Review by Vegita

"Straight from the Discovery Channel"

Ladies and Gentlemen, the always wonderful Crocodile Hunter!

Crocodile Hunter: 'Ello, all. Today, I'm goin' after the elusive Nintendo Entertainment System. Many people 'ave told me that it 'as gone the way of the dinosaur, but I believe that this fine species is still alive an' well, somewhere in the countryside. We are going to begin by searchin' within the 'ouse of young Billy Johnson, an imag'nary child from Maryland.

::The Chrocodile hunter tries the front door, only to find it locked::

C. Hunter: As you can see th' Nintendo Entertainment System, or NES as we intelligent people likes t' call it, strives t' keep its territory from bein' trespassed on. Thankfully, we 'unters are a smart breed, and know 'ow to get around such primative guards.

::He walks over to a nearby window, throws a rock through it, and climbs through::

C. Hunter: Shhh! We 'ave to be quite 'ere, in the territory of the NES. It can be wary of our presence, and begin to make a variety of sounds that alert others of impendin' danger. Let's take a look around.

::The Crocodile Hunter looks around, then notices a cord plugged into a wall socket::

C. Hunter: Why, it looks like the feeding grounds of the NES! For those of you at 'ome, the NES feeds off of the standard AC/DC currents of a wallsocket, jus' like this one 'ere. It usually leaves a trail leadin' back to its 'ome, so it can easily find it's way back. It's good to stay charged up, isn't it? Let's follow th' trail!

::The Crocodile Hunter begins following the cord, narrating as he does::

C. Hunter: Durin' the 80s, the company Nintendo decided to create an 'ome video game system to compete with other risin' video game systems. Nintendo 'ad already been successful with arcade games, and now they wanted to try their 'and at the 'ome console. Thus, they created the Nintendo Entertainment System, or the ''Famicom'' as it was called in Japan. It was called that because it was short for ''Family Computer''. Pretty ingenious, eh?

::He stops to fix his hat::

C. Hunter: The Nintendo began porting games from the arcade to home, which truly made it a hit all over the world. With such wonderful games as Castlevania, Super Mario Bros., and Contra, the Nintendo jumped to the front o' the video game industry, setting and breakin' records all around. Eventually, when bigger and badder video game consoles were made, the Nintendo 'ad to either die out or evolve, which some of them did, into the ''Super Nintendo''. It is my belief, 'owever, that some of the original Nintendos are still around, and this cord is goin' to prove it!

::He comes to a halt as the cord trail goes under a closed door::

C. Hunter: A ha, a Nintendo still in the wild! If you'll listen carefully, you can 'ear the sound effects that the system came to be known for. The sound effects at the time of this particular specimen's creation, about 1980-somethin', were revolutionary for a 'ome console. Its sounds, while primative compared to today's wildlife, was quite the new thing back in the day. Listen carefully...

::The cameraman zooms in on the door, as we hear the sounds of Mario dying, followed by several cursewords emitted by a very young boy::

C. Hunter: My my, 'ow things 'ave changed! I guess video games really do make a large impression on the' youth o' today.

::The camera turns back to the Crocodile Hunter::

C. Hunter: As you just 'eard, there were 4 sound channels open for use. These channels were divided between the sound and the music, so you could either 'ave a game of no sound effects and great music, or no music and lots of overlappin' sounds, or a nice mix. T'was the beauty of the NES, as you were limited in the area of sound. This simply made the programmers work 'arder, and forced them t' be more creative. Often it worked well, but there were quite a few examples o' poor work...oh well, it's not the Nintendo's fault. Let's see if we can't get a look at the NES in action. Mr. Camera, could you please open the door?

::Vegita sets the camera on a tripod, walks forward, looks at the camera with reluctance, then tries the doorknob. It's locked.

Vegita: It's locked.
C. Hunter: That don't stop me!

::The Crocodile Hunter rams the door with his shoulder, sending the door inwards. We hear a little boy scream, and the Crocodile Hunter comes running out of the room as we see a pair of child-sized shoes fly after him::

C. Hunter (Running away): As you can see, some people like to keep 'ese as pets, and are very protective of 'em.

::Vegita grabs the camera and follows the Crocodile Hunter, running::

C. Hunter: As you may 'ave guessed (puff), the NES was quite good at making alliances with people, games, and companies. By the time th' NES was commercially extinct, it 'ad already amassed alliances wi' almost 1,000 different games!

::He opens a door, thinking it is the exit, only to have almost 1,000 Nintendo games rain down upon him::

C. Hunter: As you can see, they often waited in ambush for unsuspectin' people like meself.

Fadeout. Cut to Commercial.

::We see the Energizer Bunny Walking along, drumming on his little drum, annoying the heck out of everyone in sight.


Bunny: Drum Drum Drum Drum...

::We see the Bunny then pass the Taco Bell dog, who then begins walking along next to it:

Bunny: Drum Drum Drum Drum...
Dog: Yo Quero Taco Bell. Yo Quero Taco Bell. Yo Quero Taco Bell...

::We then see the Bunny and the Dog join those annoying people from the Old Navy commercials (including Morgan Fairchild)::

Bunny: Drum Drum Drum Drum...
Dog: Yo Quero Taco Bell. Yo Quero Taco Bell. Yo Quero Taco Bell...
The Gap: Buy our overpriced clothes! We tell you what's popular, now buy them!

::Now we see this large group of annoying people pass that Pepsi girl, and she falls in line, singing::

Bunny: Drum Drum Drum Drum...
Dog: Yo Quero Taco Bell. Yo Quero Taco Bell. Yo Quero Taco Bell...
The Gap: Buy our overpriced clothes! We tell you what's popular, now buy them!
Pepsi Girl: Buh buh ba ba ba, buh buh ba ba ba...Pepsi!

::We then see two drunk guys driving a steam roller take a wrong turn. The camera goes to a freeze frame just short of turning them into a gooey paste of bad advertising::

Voiceover: Even if it's for a good cause, friends don't let friends drive drunk. This has been a public service announcement.

Fade back in to the Crocodile Hunter, standing outside a college dorm::

C. Hunter: Welcome back! Today we've already seen one elusive Nintendo Entertainment System out in th' open, but we were scared off by its mutual friend, a boy 5 years o' age. Now we're going to see if such an ancient species as th' NES can survive in one o' the 'arshest places of all - a college dormatory!

::They try to enter the building, only to find it locked::

C. Hunter: This is a much 'arder place to gain entry, as the windows 'ave chain-link fences over 'em. Seems whatever is inside would like t' be kept there, and alone! That won't stop me, though!

::The Crocodile Hunter walks off-camera, and returns carrying a ladder::

C. Hunter: The upper levels of this in'abited area are active at th' moment. Let's take a look.

::He sets the ladder up against the wall, and begins climbing::

C. Hunter: I've told you 'ow the sounds of the NES work, but lets talk about its actual visual work. Th' NES is an 8-bit system, so it was able to use up to two 'undred and fifty-six colors. This made for quite a leap from previous 'ome systems, like th' Atari or th' Commodore 64. It can 'andle several movin' shapes, or sprites, on th' screen at th' same time. This was quite impressive for th' little guy, as it was able to 'andle quite a few arcade games, as I've mentioned. An', if compared to this day an' age's game consoles, it still 'as great graphics. This was not its greatest asset, 'owever.

::The Crocodile Hunter reaches to top of the ladder, in front of a window. He finds a dorm room with 2 women, playing Super Mario Bros. 3::

C. Hunter: Look! 'ese two women are indulgin' 'eir little pet right now! As you can see, its graphics capabilities were an' are still great. It 'andles 2 people at th' same time for some games, peripherals like a light gun for shootin' games, an adapter for up to 4 people on some games, an' even a runnin' pad for a couple o' athletic games. Keep in mind, though, that th' only item that was necessary to play certain games was th' light gun. You couldn't very well play Duck Hunt wi' a controller, could you?

::One of the women turns to look out the window, and notices the Crocodile Hunter peering in::

Woman: Ahh! Pervert!

::She opens the window, grabs the ladder, and shoves it backwards::

C. Hunter: Well, I guess this means my time is almost up. Now before I 'it the ground an' lose consciousness, what 'ave we learned today, Mr. Cameraman?
Vegita: That the Nintendo Entertainment System had great graphics and sound, a wide variety of great games, a lot of additional equipment that wasn't absolutely necessary to play most games (but was fun to have anyways), and a very large library of games that has a lasting appeal with even the most educated and advanced college kids nowadays?
C. Hunter: That's exactly right. All right, kids, tune in nex' week when I try t' find the clause in my contract that said I 'ad to do this stupid special. Good night!

THUD!


Reviewer's Score: 9/10 | Originally Posted: 08/10/00, Updated 08/10/00


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