*******************************************************************************
*               EXCLUSIVE SCRIPT FOR THE CURSE OF MONKEY ISLAND               *
*                                (Version 1.2)                                *
*                                                                             *
*                           Author: Deborah L. Kearns                         *
*                        E-mail: angeldeb82@hotmail.com                       *
*******************************************************************************

Copyright © 2010 by Deborah L. Kearns

The Curse of Monkey Island is a trademark of LucasArts.
The Curse of Monkey Island: Copyright © 1997 by LucasArts.

===DISCLAIMER===

This scripted document is intended ONLY for private home use and may not be
reproduced through electronic or commercial means without the expressed consent
of the author (Deborah L. Kearns).  It cannot be hosted, edited, or distributed
for profit and may not be given away as an add-in/gift to bought items, and it
should not be claimed as your own.  All rights are reserved to respective
parties, even those not explicitly stated herein.  Thank you for reading this,
and thank you for respecting FAQ authors.

*WARNING: THIS SCRIPT CONTAINS SPOILERS AHEAD FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T PLAYED THE
GAME OR BEATEN IT, SO READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!  THE SCRIPT WILL BE MORE ENJOYABLE
TO BE READ IF YOU HAVE FINISHED THE GAME AT LEAST ONCE!  YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!*


TABLE OF CONTENTS

1. Introduction
2. Cast of Characters
3. Script
   3.1. DISC 1 GAME SCRIPT
        3.1a. Intro
        3.1b. Part I: The Demise of the Zombie Pirate LeChuck
        3.1c. Part II: The Curse Gets Worse
   3.2. DISC 2 GAME SCRIPT
        3.2a. Intermission
        3.2b. Part III: Three Sheets to the Wind
        3.2c. Part IV: The Bartender, the Thieves, His Aunt, and Her Lover
        3.2d. Part V: Kiss of the Spider Monkey
        3.2e. Part VI: Guybrush Kicks Butt Once Again
        3.2f. End Credits
   3.3. SCRIPT MISCELLANY
4. Version History
5. Thanks


# 1. Introduction #

Hello to those of you who are familiar with the Monkey Island series,
especially to those of you who are familiar with this game and yet wanted to
know the script for it.  As you may know, "The Curse of Monkey Island" is the
third game in the Monkey Island series, which followed the success of the
previous two games: "The Secret of Monkey Island" and "Monkey Island 2:
LeChuck's Revenge".  This game, released on October 31, 1997, is the twelfth
and last LucasArts™ game to use the SCUMM engine that was extensively upgraded
for its last outing (the engine would be replaced by the GrimE engine for the
next game in the series, "Escape from Monkey Island", which was the only Monkey
Island game supported by that engine).  However, "Curse" has two very unusual
things: 1. it has a more cartoon-ish graphic style than the earlier Monkey
Island games; and 2. it is the first Monkey Island game to feature pretty good
voice acting, with Dominic Armato (then 20 years old) as the main character
Guybrush Threepwood, British actress Alexandra Boyd as Elaine Marley, and Earl
Boen (then about fifty-something years old) as the undead pirate LeChuck.
There are also many other voice actors in this game, most of whom are still
living today, though some are deceased; among the latter are guest stars Mary
Kay Bergman (voice actress for many TV shows, including "South Park"), Glenn
Quinn (actor for nine episodes of the "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" spin-off,
"Angel"), and, more recently, Gary Coleman (former child actor for the classic
TV sitcom, "Diff'rent Strokes").

Anyway, it is with my gratitude to the game itself, after almost 13 years, that
I now write this plain-text script for "The Curse of Monkey Island".  So far,
GameFAQs contributor HRahman had already written the game script for The Secret
of Monkey Island, but so far no game scripts have been written for other Monkey
Island games (though I had most recently written and uploaded the game scripts
for all five chapters of the episodic "Tales of Monkey Island" in GameFAQs'
Formatted FAQ text markup, which is pretty cool, IMO).  Anywho, "Curse", like
"The Secret of Monkey Island" and, more recently, "Tales of Monkey Island", has
quite a loose gameflow, so your storyline may vary from what's listed here,
according to HRahman.  Due to the overwhelming amount of choices and story
paths, I may put ONLY ONE kind of flow that makes the whole story, while the
rest of the scripts may be explored by yourself.  To tell you the truth, I
don't really have THAT much of a free time, and I may or may not figure out a
way to chart out the all-confusing SCUMM story system to make it an easy read.
Sorry!

Anyway, this script that I'm about to write may only be for the Mega-Monkey
difficulty level of the game (in the final version, that is), so, like I said,
this game script will be more enjoyable to be read once you have finished
playing the game.  Be mindful that the game is quite rare and very hard to come
by, so you may have to buy it on Amazon.com or eBay.  Believe me, the game will
be quite useful if you have the ScummVM emulator (which can be downloaded for
free on its website if you have Windows XP or Windows 7, and especially if you
have Macintosh and Mac OS computers, as the game was never officially released
for that platform, leaving a gap in the series between "Monkey Island 2:
LeChuck's Revenge" and "Escape from Monkey Island").  Oh, BTW, this is also a
correction of the text errors from the earlier version of the game, which is
downgraded from its final version and playable on the updated version of
ScummVM, with the text and its accented marks and symbols based on the final
version (thanks to YouTube fan Omgarrett for recording and uploading the video
clips of the game pre-ScummVM upgrade) and the voices that fit said text.
Anyway, I hope you will enjoy the script, so read it at your own risk.


# 2. Cast of Characters #

Guybrush Ulysses Threepwood: Main character and protagonist of the Monkey
Island series, often described as a plucky, yet stupid, goofy and incompetent
pirate, treasure hunter and swashbuckler, with an almost supernatural ability
to hold his breath underwater for ten minutes (what happens after these ten
minutes are up depends on which Monkey Island game you play; in "The Secret of
Monkey Island" he can drown, but in "LeChuck's Revenge", "Escape from Monkey
Island" (first time only) and "Tales of Monkey Island" he can quickly surface
to the top, though I'm not sure if he can also surface to the top in this
game).  Guybrush first discovered the love of his life, Governor Elaine Marley,
in her mansion while he was out to steal an idol in one of his three trials.
Unfortunately, the ghost pirate LeChuck was also pining for her, and captured
her, and Guybrush was determined to rescue her (unaware that she had plans to
foil the ghost pirate and escape while protecting herself from harm);
eventually he ended up having to destroy LeChuck in spite of the injuries
inflicted on him, and became a fearsome pirate himself on a new adventure to
find the legendary treasure of Big Whoop while breaking up with Elaine.
However, he unfortunately stumbled into LeChuck's former henchman Largo
LaGrande, who stole LeChuck's beard (Guybrush's only proof of the ghost
pirate's defeat) and used it to resurrect LeChuck as an undead zombie pirate.
Guybrush somehow managed to find Big Whoop on Dinky Island and defeat LeChuck
yet again, but ended up being hypnotized into believing that LeChuck was his
brother.  Now about three months have passed, and Guybrush, who has somehow
overcome LeChuck's hypnosis spell, returns to stop LeChuck once again and find
Elaine (and, heck, even marry her).  Guybrush is voiced by Dominic Armato.

Elaine Marley: Governor of the Tri-Island Area and Guybrush's love interest.
She is often constantly getting stalked by undead pirate LeChuck, who would go
at lengths to make her his demon bride, but she spurns his advances.  She is
consistently getting captured by LeChuck, prompting Guybrush to attempt her
rescue, although she's more capable of escaping predicaments by herself.  By
the start of the game she is caught up in a battle between Plunder Island and
LeChuck and is waiting for Guybrush to arrive and save her, and possibly even
marry her (!).  Elaine is voiced by British actress Alexandra Boyd.

LeChuck: Undead pirate and main antagonist of the series.  Although he is
intelligent, he displays a ruthless and sadistic disposition, with little
regard for human life, often dabbling in the dark arts of voodoo and being
driven by a megalomaniacal desire for powers of voodoo and his love for
Governor Elaine Marley, frequently attempting to make her his demon bride.  His
first attempt was foiled when Guybrush attempted to rescue her and eventually
ended up dousing LeChuck's ghostly form with voodoo root beer.  Reincarnated as
a zombie, he tried taking revenge on Guybrush.  Although LeChuck was defeated
once again, he somehow managed to hypnotize Guybrush into believing that they
were both brothers in the Carnival of the Damned, eventually succeeding in
indisposing him.  By the start of the game, LeChuck is attempting to make
Elaine his undead bride, making an attack on Plunder Island in an attempt to do
so.  He is voiced by Earl Boen.

Voodoo Lady: Voodoo priestess and proprietor of the voodoo shop chain
International House of Mojo, often helping out Guybrush from time to time.  She
now sets up another shop in a ship half-sunk in a swamp on Plunder Island and
spends her time playing with "the Voodoo Kids".  Sometimes when she is
confronted and being asked for her name, she would often say that it's not
important, although she later admits that names has power.  She is voiced by
Leilani Jones-Wilmore.

Smilin' Stan S. Stanman: A fast-talking, fast-moving salesman who always waves
his arms when he speaks, often referring to Guybrush as "kid" or "kiddo".  Stan
first appeared as a used boat salesman whom Guybrush swindled out of a ship
used to sail to Monkey Island.  When Stan next tried to sell LeChuck a ship,
the latter responded with a punch to Stan's face across the Caribbean.  Stan
eventually ended up on Booty Island, where he became the proprietor of "Stan's
Previously-Owned Restaurant Supplies" and of the "Previously Owned Coffins"
shop.  Guybrush showed up again and convinced him to lie down in one of his
own coffins as to prove that it had breathing room, thereby trapping him inside
it for about three months.  By the start of this game, Stan has ended up in the
common crypt, often feasting on the remains of a previous corpse while awaiting
rescue.  Stan is voiced by Patrick Pinney.

Murray: A demonic talking skull who boasts of taking over the world with his
megalomania, and does nothing but talk and hop around, trying to talk Guybrush
into joining him in his "evil" line of work.  Murray is voiced by Denny Delk.

Wally B. Feed: Also known as Bloodnose the Pirate.  Wally had been captured by
LeChuck's forces over the Big Whoop map in the previous Monkey Island game,
LeChuck's Revenge.  Guybrush attempted to escape the fortress with him, but
they ended up in a room full of dynamite, which blew Guybrush into Dinky
Island, and Wally ended up being a member of LeChuck's crew.  He now refers to
himself as Bloodnose the Pirate and is given a task to guard Guybrush once the
latter is caught.  Wally is voiced by Neil Ross.

Captain René Rottingham: A ruthless pirate who is extremely proud of his hair,
and, in his own words, "the most cunning and well-groomed captain ever to sail
the Caribbean."  Rottingham is introduced at The Barbery Coast barbershop owned
by the pirates Haggis McMutton, Cutthroat Bill, and Edward Van Helgen, in which
Guybrush is given a task to give Rottingham a haircut if he wants to speak to
Haggis. (Weird that in the earlier version in ScummVM, Rottingham's first name
is mislabelled as "Renee", which sounds more like a girlish name, if you ask
me. :P) Rottingham is voiced by Tom Kane.

Haggis McMutton: A pirate barber, whose given name is Heart Liver and Kidneys
Boiled in the Stomach of the Animal McMutton.  He was originally from Scotland,
and now works at The Barbery Coast in Puerto Pollo as a barber, together with
Cutthroat Bill and Edward Van Helgen.  Haggis is voiced by Alan Young.

Edward Van Helgen: Another pirate barber, whose pet name is Snugglecakes.  He
works on The Barbery Coast with Haggis McMutton and Cutthroat Bill.  Van Helgen
is quite skilled at banjo-playing and can often play a furious solo if
challenged.  His name is an allusion to famous metal guitarist Eddie Van Halen.
Also, notice how his name is mislabelled as "VanHelgen" without a space in the
earlier version of the game in ScummVM?  Anyway, Van Helgen is voiced by
Michael Sorich.

Cutthroat Bill: Yet another pirate barber, who is often short and appears
fixated on gold.  He seems to have a fondness for jawbreakers, and works at The
Barbery Coast in Puerto Pollo with Haggis McMutton and Edward Van Helgen.  Bill
is voiced by Gregg Berger.

Slappy Cromwell: Actor in the stage production of "'SPEARE!  A theatrical
medley" in the Long John Silver Center for the Performing Arts in Puerto Pollo.
In his own words, "Speare" is a 45-minute revue that Slappy was compelled to
rewrite William Shakespeare's plays into because nobody came to his
performances.  Slappy's real name, BTW, is Rex Fortune, Adventure Seeker; he
also has an agent named Palido Domingo, and another actor named Stu Boyle
(voiced by Roger Behr), a fat pirate in a pink dress who is always found in an
onstage balcony.  Slappy is voiced by Victor Raider-Wexler.

Palido Domingo: Agent of Slappy Cromwell.  A pale man who is a member of
Brimstone Beach Club on Plunder Island, often lying around sunbathing on the
beach, yet he has a Blood Island map tattooed on his back, which is something
that can be vital to Guybrush. (Palido's name is a play on Spanish tenor
Plácido Domingo, BTW.) Voiced by George DelHoyo.

Cabaña Boy: Member of the bustling Plunder Island workforce who works at the
Brimstone Beach Club.  He is often snotty and doesn't take kindly to strangers
whose appearance and body odor may disgust or frighten other members, and that
means non-club strangers like Guybrush.  Voiced by Harvey Jason.

Mr. Fossey: A crazed owner of The Sea Cucumber and leader of the Pirates
of Danjer Cove.  He is self-appointed first mate to Captain LeChimp, and orders
the monkey pirates to do whatever he tells them to, like making anyone walk the
plank when they try to board The Sea Cucumber.  Fossey is voiced by Quinton
Flynn.

Pirates of Danjer Cove: A group of pirate monkeys led by Captain LeChimp,
enslaved by The Sea Cucumber's owner Mr. Fossey into doing whatever he tells
them to, even if things he says can be harmful.

Kenny Falmouth: A boy who works as a salesman in Puerto Pollo on Plunder
Island, often selling some kind of strange lemonade for five cents per mug and
having a bottomless mug policy.  He kind of sounds a bit like "South Park's"
Eric Cartman, if you ask me.  Voiced by former "Diff'rent Strokes" child actor
Gary Coleman (R.I.P. :( ).

Captain Blondebeard: Proprietor of Blondebeard's Chicken Shoppe on Plunder
Island, often working to a point when he's threatened to run anyone through for
suggesting to leave his shop.  He often fears that El Pollo Diablo (or "The
Devil Chicken") set all his chickens loose and will come back to kill him.
Voiced by Terence McGovern, voice-actor for Launchpad McQuack from Disney's
"Ducktales" and "Darkwing Duck".

Man-Eating Snake: A snake that lives near a cliff at Plunder Island and attacks
people if they get too close.

Swordfighting Pirates: Yes, these pirates from "The Secret of Monkey Island"
are back again, except that they often make swordfighting insults that need to
rhyme in order to advance, and they often work for Captain René Rottingham.
These six pirates are voiced by George DelHoyo, S. Scott Bullock, Dave Fennoy,
Roger Behr, "Roseanne" and "Angel" star Glenn Quinn (R.I.P.), and Brendan
Holmes.

Griswold Goodsoup: Owner of the Goodsoup Plantation Resort Hotel and Casino on
Blood Island, whose family owns a line of restaurants and hotels renowned
around the world.  He appears to be the last of the Goodsoup clan, and
unfortunately he is suffering from a hangover; yet he holds dark secrets about
a volcano on Blood Island and about his family and his great-aunt Minnie.  He
is voiced by Kay E. Kuter (R.I.P.).

Madame Xima: A gypsy fortuneteller who occupies the Goodsoup Plantation Resort
Hotel and Casino on Blood Island.  Xima also has the tendency to (in the words
of Pee-Wee Herman) "scream real loud", which irritates Griswold, even when he
is hung over.  She is voiced by Kathleen Freeman (R.I.P.).

Mort the Gravedigger: A gravedigger of Blood Island who had been put under a
curse by one of the paper voodoo dolls in the Voodoo Lady's house on Plunder
Island, until Guybrush frees him by pulling the pin out of the doll.  Mort is
also a fan of cheesy horror fiction, which may be the reason why he is severely
behind on the burials.  He seems to be on good terms with Griswold Goodsoup,
and also has a dog called Old Blind Pew who lives outside in a coffin.  Mort is
voiced by Roger Behr.

Old Blind Pew: An old unwashed dog who lives in the Blood Island cemetery,
sleeping in the coffin doghouse.  Although Pew may be a pet of Mort the
Gravedigger, he is not very social, since he wears smoky spectacles and has to
sniff around for dog treats.  Pew is very true to his name, know what I mean?

Minnie Goodsoup: Great-aunt of hotel-owner Griswold Goodsoup.  Her full name
and title is Minerva Stroneheim-Goodsoup, Baroness of Borscht, or Minnie
"Stronie" Goodsoup, for short, though she is often referred to as the Ghost
Bride in the end credits.  Minnie speaks with a Southern drawl, and always had
an affection for pirates during her lifetime, since most of her suitors had
bored her to tears, until the day she first fell in love with Charles DeGoulash
before falling for LeChuck, who only had an eye for her diamond ring and pried
the diamond from it during the wedding rehearsal and sold it to King André for
his new ship.  LeChuck's actions left her depressed, and she soon died from a
broken heart.  Now she waits for the day when she will be freed only when she
is married to a man she truly loves.  Minnie is voiced by Mary Kay Bergman
(R.I.P.).

Charles DeGoulash: Often referred to as the Ghost Groom and the Guest that
never left, Charles was the only other man that Minnie Goodsoup could fall for
before she fell for LeChuck, who probably trapped him in the Murphy bed and
left him to die at the Goodsoup Plantation Resort Hotel while having an eye
only on the diamond ring to sell in exchange for LeChuck's escape.  This could
be the reason why his skeleton was in the Murphy bed, unable to escape until
the time when he can be freed.  Like Van Helgen, Charles is voiced by Michael
Sorich.

The Lost Welshman: Also known as "The Flying Welshman".  He is the ghostly
ferryman who travels between Blood Island and Skull Island, or used to
regularly until the lighthouse on Blood Island was smashed, leaving him trapped
forever in the accursed mists until the lighthouse can be fixed.  He is voiced
by Tom Kane, like Captain Rottingham.

Effete LaFoot: Bungling assistant and replacement at the winch atop Skull
Island.  In spite of his short stature and his lack of physical strength, he is
ordered to operate the lift to the Smuggler's Cave.  LaFoot is voiced by Harvey
Jason, just like Cabaña Boy.

King André: Smuggler king of Skull Island who lives in the smuggler's cave with
his assistant Cruff.  King André was the one to whom LeChuck had sold the
diamond that he had stolen from Minnie Goodsoup's wedding ring for a new ship.
André is often a balding Negro pirate with a menacing voice and a
megalomaniacal streak, as he is a parody of the classic James Bond villains.
:D  Anyway, André is voiced by Dave Fennoy.

Cruff: King André's assistant and right-hand man, primarily brawn with little
brain, leaving most of the talking to Andre.  Like Captain Blondebeard, Cruff
is voiced by "Launchpad McQuack" voice actor Terence McGovern.

The Monkey Island Cannibals: Yes, these are the cannibals that were once
health-conscious in trying to eat people when Guybrush first encountered them.
Thanks to his efforts in appeasing them, they abandoned their cannibalistic
nature and apparently moved to Blood Island to get away from the Carnival of
the Damned.  Lemonhead appears to be the only one to return in The Curse of
Monkey Island, where he is accompanied by Pineapple Head and Banana Head.  As
such, they eat only tofu, veggies and fruit and serve the island's volcano god,
Sherman, who is highly lactose intolerant and is irritated by other foods such
as meat; and they have to offer him human mannequins made of fruits and
vegetables to calm him down so as not to cause a volcano eruption.  Lemonhead
is voiced by S. Scott Bullock.

Sherman: An unseen volcano god who is lactose-intolerant and lives on Mount
Acidophilus.  The cannibals often try pacifying him with ritual fruit and
vegetable sacrifices so as not to cause a volcano eruption.

Dinghy Dog™: A henchman of LeChuck who works at the Carnival of the Damned.
This costumed dog runs a booth where he can guess the age and weight of the
guests, with the guest winning a prize if Dinghy Dog™ guesses wrong; he often
displays a condescending attitude towards children.  Please note that the "™"
symbols after the words "Dinghy Dog", "Wharf Rat" and "Monty Meringue" are
missing from the earlier version.  He is voiced by Dave Madden.

Wharf Rat™: Another costumed entertainer at the Carnival of the Damned who runs
a booth in which guests can fire pies at Monty Meringue™ the Mime.  He's
particularly grouchy at the costume he has to wear and dislikes his co-worker
Dinghy Dog™.  Voiced by Joe Nipote.

Snowcone Guy: Also known as a Soda Jerk.  A man who sells snow cones at the
Carnival of the Damned, often giving plain ones at no extra charge.  He often
admits that he sells a variety of snow cones that are almost inedible, and has
a small stomach and a nasty odor.  Voiced by Victor Raider-Wexler, like Slappy
Cromwell.

Monty Meringue™: Carnival mime who works at the Carnival of the Damned; his
sole purpose is to have guests fire lemon meringue pies at his face in a game
manned by the Wharf Rat™, with the guest winning a prize if they toss the pie
directly at Monty's face.

Other Characters:
Fort Soldier
Skeletal Pirates, Including a Skeleton Head named Skully (voiced by Denny Delk)
Thin Pirate (voiced by Chris Sena)
Fat Pirate (voiced by Jan Eddy)
Quiet Patron at Blondebeard's Chicken Parlor
LeChuckie, zombie pirate toy King André has in stock on Skull Island
Doomed Family on the Rollercoaster of Death
New Skeleton Recruits
Father Pirate (voiced by Denny Delk) and His Son (voiced by Alexandra Boyd)


# 3. Script #


* 3.1. DISC 1 GAME SCRIPT *

*************
*3.1a. Intro*
*************

                                     CMI

                         The Monkeys are listening...

Fade-in of a map of the Tri-Island Area with the word "LucasArts™" inscribed in
the middle of it.  After a few seconds the wind blows away, revealing a far-off
view of an island as the camera is moving towards it, and moving on closer and
closer...

                             Deep in the Caribbean

...until it slows down to a complete stop.

                                 Monkey Island

Monkey grunts are heard from far away, and the camera moves away from a view of
Monkey Island, moving on further toward the right, and there is a full moon in
the night sky as the camera moves on closer, revealing a view of a bumper car
floating in the middle of the ocean many seconds later.  On the car sits our
hero, Guybrush Ulysses Threepwood, writing in some journal of his plight, as
his thoughts are now in voice-over.

Guybrush: (voice-over) Captain's log: Guybrush Threepwood.  Lost at sea for
days now.  I have no crew or navigational instruments.  No provisions except a
half-eaten corn-dog and, unless I find water soon, I'm surely done for.  Only
the hope of finding my love, Elaine, keeps me going.

As he writes, he gets a bit of sadness on his face and sighs at the thought of
Elaine before he continues.

Guybrush: (voice-over) My quest for the fabulous treasure called Big Whoop has
left me in this sorry state.  I thought it would bring me fame and glory.
Instead, it delivered me into the clutches of my enemy, the zombie-pirate
LeChuck.  I had thwarted his evil plot to marry Elaine and he was after
revenge.

He becomes disgusted at the thought of LeChuck, then calms down and writes some
more as the camera cuts to a far-off view of Guybrush and the bumper car.

Guybrush: (voice-over) <Cough> Really, really thirsty now.  If only I could
have a small drink of fresh water, I might have the strength to sail on.

A bottle of Monkey Spring Water floats on past him while he writes.

Guybrush: (voice-over) Oh, but I know there's nothing but ocean for miles and
miles...  If I could reach land, I might find water and some food.  Fruit,
maybe... something to fight off the scurvy and help me get my strength back.
Mmmmmm... maybe some bananas...

While he writes, a box of fresh fruit floats on past him, followed by a box of
bananas.

Guybrush: (voice-over) Oh, why do I torture myself like this?  I might as well
wish for some chicken and a big mug of grog for all the good it will do me.

While he is still writing, a smiling chicken on a barrel of grog floats on past
him as if on cue, and clucks on as it sails away.  Camera cuts back to a close-
up view of Guybrush in despair, still writing.

Guybrush: (voice-over) Oh, my sweet Elaine... am I cursed to starve here on
this ocean... without seeing your face just one more time?  Am I--

He is suddenly interrupted by a cannon blast, and looks around before the
camera cuts to a view of a horde of ships, some active and some sunken, near
some far-off island, amid cannon blasts, as he is caught in the middle of a
battle before the title screen and credits appear.

                           THE CURSE OF MONKEY ISLAND

                                    STARRING
                                 Dominic Armato
                                       as
                              Guybrush Threepwood

                                 PROGRAMMED BY
                                 Chuck Jordan
                                 Chris Purvis
                                Jonathan Ackley

                             LEAD BACKGROUND ARTIST
                                  Bill Tiller

                                  BACKGROUNDS
                                  Maria Bowen
                                  Kathy Hsieh

                                 LEAD ANIMATOR
                                 Marc Overney

                                 2D ANIMATION
                            Derek Sakai  Anson Jew
                         Kevin Micallef  Yoko Ballard
                         Graham Annable  Charlie Ramos
                         Chris Miles  Vamberto Maduro

                                 3D ANIMATION
                               Daniel Colon, Jr.

                           2D CLEANUP & IN-BETWEENS
                                  Oliver Sin

                           ART & ANIMATION DIRECTOR
                                  Larry Ahern

                              LEAD RENDER ARTIST
                                Kim Balestreri

                                RENDER ARTISTS
                                 Marcia Thomas
                                 Thomas Aredt
                                Roger Tholloug

                               ART TECHNICIANS
                                 Livia Mackin
                               Michelle Harrell
                                  Kim Gresko
                               C. Andrew Nelson

                        POST PRODUCTION VISUAL EFFECTS
                               C. Andrew Nelson

                               MUSIC COMPOSED BY
                                  Michael Land

                               MUSIC PRODUCED BY
                                  Michael Land
                          Hans Christian Reumschuessel

                         MUSIC ENGINEERED AND MIXED BY
                          Hans Christian Reumschuessel

                           VOICE DIRECTOR & PRODUCER
                               Darragh O'Farrell

                              SENIOR VOICE EDITOR
                                  Khris Brown

                                 VOICE EDITORS
                                  Coya Elliott
                                   Cindy Wong

                          VOICE DEPARTMENT COORDINATOR
                                 Peggy Bartlett

                                  SOUND DESIGN
                       Clint Bajakian and Julian Kwasneski

                               SYSTEM PROGRAMMING
                                 Aric Wilmunder

                                 SCUMM™ SYSTEM
                                 Aric Wilmunder
                                  Aaron Giles
                                 Brad P. Taylor

                            INSANE ANIMATION SYSTEM
                                   Vince Lee
                                  Matt Russell

                              iMUSE™ MUSIC SYSTEM
                                Michael McMahon
                                  Michael Land
                                Peter McConnell

                                  LEAD TESTER
                                   Dan Pettit

                                    TESTING
            John Castillo                              Scott Tingley
                Lee Susen       Deedee Anderson        Scott Douglas
            Paul Zabierek           Tim Chen           Morgan Gray
                Greg Land        John Buzolich         Colin Munson
          Matthew Azeveda         Leyton Chew          Theresa M. O'Connor
              Randy Tudor  Jo "Capt. Tripps" Ashburn   Charles Smith

                           SENIOR COMPATIBILITY TECH
                                Chip Hinnenberg

                              COMPATIBILITY TECHS
                                 James Davison
                                   Lynn Selk
                                Kevin Von Aspern
                                Jason Lauborough
                                 Doyle Gilstrap

                               PRODUCTION MANAGER
                                 Camela Boswell

                             PRODUCTION COORDINATOR
                                 Kellie Tauzin

                            PRODUCT MARKETING MANAGER
                                   Tom Byron

                          Based on Characters Created By
                                   Ron Gilbert

                                   SCRIPT BY
                                Jonathan Ackley
                                  Chuck Jordan
                                  Chris Purvis
                                  Larry Ahern

                          STORY, DESIGN & PROJECT LED BY
                                  Larry Ahern
                                Jonathan Ackley

The credits are ended by a swish of the blade by the undead pirate LeChuck
himself, who then barks out a command.

LeChuck: Fire!

The cannon fires from The Death Starfish as a fortress soldier points out at
the approaching cannonball.

Soldier: (in a panic) Incoming!  Aaaaaaah!

He runs off as the cannonball blasts onto the fort cannon, destroying it in a
puff of smoke, which finally clears out to reveal the governor herself, Elaine
Marley, waving her torch and looking at the damage the blast had made before
looking at LeChuck's ship in spite.

Elaine: How many times do I have to tell you, LeChuck?  I just don't feel that
way about you.

Elsewhere, Guybrush is near The Death Starfish as he looks around and sees her
in excitement.

Guybrush: Elaine!

LeChuck: (calls out to her) By my congealed blood, you'll learn to love me!
Sail with me and I'll make ya queen of the dead!

He raises his sword while he speaks, and Elaine runs to the cannons and pauses
a bit before a cannonball shot is launched from far away.

Elaine: I... I can't.  I'm washing my hair tonight.

With her torch she lights up one of the fort cannons, which fires a shot at
him.

LeChuck: Blast be yer hair, woman!  Can't you see that this salty old sea-
corpse pines for your every gentle caress?

He awaits her response but finds none and fires the cannon at her fortress
again at his order.

Elaine: You know... I don't think my father would approve of me dating the
undead--

She lights the cannon with her torch, and a shot fires back before she moves to
another cannon and continues.

Elaine: And you're probably too nice a zombie-pirate for me anyway--

She lights said cannon, which fires the shot again before moving to yet another
cannon.

Elaine: ...Let's just be friends instead.

She lights the cannon that fires another shot yet again, and LeChuck gets
annoyed.

LeChuck: Daaaaaaurgh!

Elaine starts to get bored and angry.

Elaine: *(Breathy Sigh)* Let's face it, LeChuck.  You're an evil, foul-
smelling, vile, co-dependent villain and that's just not what I'm looking for
in a romantic relationship right now.

She points at him while she speaks, and he looks at the skeletal pirate named
Skully and gets all confused.  Finally, after a short pause...

LeChuck: Darn yer riddles, ya saucy female!  What d'ya mean?

He knocks off Skully's head while he speaks, and the head falls onto the floor
before stopping.

Skully: Ahhh!  Ohhh!

Elaine: (calls out again) You're a bloodthirsty monster who's already kidnapped
me once, tortured my friends, and taken from me the only man I ever loved:
Guybrush Threepwood.

She becomes saddened while she speaks, and Guybrush lets out a sigh of
contentment before Skully's head looks at them both.

Skully: Awwww... how romantic...

He shakes his head and suddenly becomes astonished to see Guybrush before he
jumps and calls out.

Skully: Ship Ahoy!

LeChuck hears this and looks around to see that Guybrush has escaped from the
Carnival of the Damned, and gets into a rage.

LeChuck: Threepwood?!!!

He takes out a cannon and shoots at Guybrush's bumper car raft, blasting him
into the water, then looks up and calls out...

LeChuck: Fish him out!

At LeChuck's order, the skeletal pirates pull Guybrush out of the water with a
long fishing pole, and Elaine becomes surprised.

Elaine: Guybrush?!

Guybrush is flanked by the two skeletal pirates who wake him up while LeChuck
speaks.

LeChuck: Guybrush Threepwood!  By my gangrenous gut, I don't know how you
escaped my carnival of the damned, but you won't escape the taste of my blade!

As he speaks, he points the finger of blame at Guybrush and lifts up his
cutlass to strike when a gunshot knocks the blade off of LeChuck's hand and
onto the mast, and he becomes furious.

LeChuck: Daaaargh!

He turns around and sees Elaine holding the shotgun that she had fired at the
blade.  She blows the smoke off her musket, and he becomes astounded.

LeChuck: Ooooh.  The lass has spirit!  Eh.

He then turns to the skeleton pirates holding Guybrush.

LeChuck: Throw him in the hold!  I'll finish him after the battle.

The skeletons toss Guybrush into the hold at LeChuck's order before LeChuck
turns to the other skeleton pirates on the lifeboats.

LeChuck: Turn loose the longboats.

At his order, the skeletons lower the boats down before he looks behind him and
finishes his speech with a close-up of his face.

LeChuck: ...and prepare the flaming, voodoo cannon ball!

*******************************************************
*3.1b. Part I: The Demise of the Zombie Pirate LeChuck*
*******************************************************

Scene fades into the hold as Guybrush gets up near Wally B. Feed from "Monkey
Island 2: LeChuck's Revenge" near the cannon and ponders a bit.

Guybrush: I've got to get out of here and help Elaine!

He walks up to the locked door.

Guybrush: If I could only get through this one door...  ...then I could easily
overpower the armed guards above...  ...slip over the side and make for the
shore.

Wally: (takes out his gun) Quit yer mumbling, captive!

Wally puts away the gun, then turns to the cannon and fires a few shots.

Wally: Blast ye scurvy dogs!

While Wally speaks and fires the shots, Guybrush takes the ramrod from the wall
near the cannonballs and stuffs it near his pants pocket.

Wally: (after some cannon fire) This will make you rue the day! *(another
cannon blast)* Avast, ye swabs!  Prepare for yer doom! *(another cannon blast
later)* Ya drink bilge water, and yer mothers dress you funny! *(another cannon
blast)* Let's see if you can handle this! *(another cannon blast)* I'll reduce
yer fort ta rubble!

[Examine the locked door]

Guybrush: (to no one in particular) If there are any of you stinking, wretched
fiends of the damned in there...  ...could you open this door? *(pause)* It's
not that I'm trying to escape or anything.  It's just that I'd like to step
outside and enjoy an adult beverage.

Guybrush leans out of the window and tries budging, but...

Guybrush: I can't quite squeeze past this cannon.

Wally: (off-camera) Move out of the way!  I can't fire the cannon with you
standing there!

[Examine the left porthole]

Guybrush: There's a strange glow coming from that porthole.

[Examine the right porthole]

Guybrush: It's a brightly lit porthole.

Guybrush goes back into the hold and comes up to Wally, who gets frightened and
points his gun at him again.

Wally: Stand yer distance!

Guybrush: I'm Guybrush Threepwood, who are you?

Wally: I'm the evil pirate, Bloodnose!  The wickedest fiend ever to sail under
the banner of King Death!  I'd as soon chew your nose off as look at you!

Or:

Guybrush: (fearless) You don't scare me, you mangy pirate!

Wally: (puts down his gun in fright) Brave talk, boy!  But now you're face to
face with the wicked pirate Bloodnose!

Or:

Guybrush: I'm selling these fine leather jackets.

Wally: (puts away his gun) Really?

Guybrush: No.  I'm lying.

Wally: In that case I don't want one.

Guybrush: Yep, sorry we couldn't make a deal.

Wally pauses, then takes up the gun in anger.

Wally: Cross me again and I'll chum for sharks with ya!

As Bloodnose, Wally aims the gun at Guybrush again.

Guybrush: (points at Wally) You sound pretty tough.

Wally: (puts down the gun again) I'm so tough, in junior high, I stuffed Davy
Jones in his locker.

Guybrush: How tough are you again?

Wally: I'm so tough, I could survive being flogged with a cat-o'-nine-tails for
half an hour...  ...or three cats-o'-five-tails for eighteen minutes.

Guybrush: (repeats) How tough are you again?

Wally: I'm so tough, I...  ...er... um...

He puts away the gun again before continuing.

Wally: I drink milk straight from the carton!

He takes the gun again.

Guybrush: (fake shudder) Ooooh!

After a few seconds...

Guybrush: Well, I'm pretty tough myself!

Wally: (points his hook) You!  Don't make me laugh!  You couldn't even grow a
decent beard!

Guybrush: (surprised) Hey...  How did you know about my attempted beard?

Wally: (puzzled) Er...  Pirate's intuition.

Guybrush: I am so tough!

Wally: You are not!

Guybrush: Yes, I am!

Wally: No, you're not!

Guybrush: Are so! [sic]

Wally: Are not!

Guybrush: (resigns, then...) Are you wearing a fake beard?

Wally: (raises his hook again) Bloodnose the Pirate would not have a fake
beard!

Guybrush: Yes, it is!

Wally puts away the gun while Guybrush speaks.

Guybrush: It's been glued to your ear hair!

Wally: Actually, it's a highly sophisticated beard weave...  ...made from the
chest and back hair of real pirates!

Guybrush becomes astonished and grossed out at this.

Wally: I'm hoping it'll take root if I don't wash it for a while!

Or:

Guybrush: (resigns, then points at Wally's hook) Is that hook for real?

Wally: (puts down the gun again) Of course it's real! *(raises his hook)* A
vicious shark tore off me hand.  Oh, what a struggle it was.  I remember...

Guybrush: (interrupts) It is so a fake!

Wally: It is not!  Well...  O.K., it is.  See, I haven't lost my hand yet.
This is sort of a training hook.

He puts away his gun before continuing.

Wally: I'm wearing this just to get used to the feel of it.  Captain LeChuck
says he'll cut my hand off when he gets some free time.  I do have a hangnail.
It'll probably get infected.

He takes out the gun again, and Guybrush recognizes him.

Guybrush: Hey!  Wait a minute!  You're not a pirate!  Wally!  Don't you
recognize me?  It's Guybrush Threepwood!

Wally: Oh, gee...  Hello, Mr. Wood.

He puts away the gun again.

Guybrush: The last time I saw you, we were prisoners in LeChuck's dungeon.  Why
would you sign on with a ship of the living dead?

Wally: Well, Mr. Brush...  ...at first I had some misgivings about it.

He takes out the gun again before continuing.

Wally: But thanks to LeChuck's seminars, motivational lectures...  ...and audio
books-on-parrot, I've become a vicious corsair!  You can too!  Ask me how!

Guybrush: Tell me about these seminars.

Wally: The seminars really brought things into focus.  You don't know how
empowering it is...  ...to be able to say to yourself...  "Yes.  I am a
despicable, filthy, villainous pirate...  ...deserving blame and censure...
...but THAT pirate...  ...is who I want to be."

He puts away the gun again.

Wally: Everyone was really very supportive.  We had this great feeling of
synergy.  Then LeChuck kicked me down the door and said...  "Ye lazy scum!  Get
back ta work or I'll beat you with yer own legs."

He takes out the gun again.

Guybrush: Tell me about these motivational lectures.

Wally: Well, they weren't lectures as such.  It was what LeChuck described as
flogging the inner child.

Guybrush: Tell me about these audio books.

Wally: (raises his hook again) To become a pirate, the audio books-on-parrot
are the key.  You get a set of twelve parrots...  ...one a month.  Return as
many as you like.  Keep them all and live.  They teach you to talk just like a
pirate!  All the key phrases are in there!  "Blow the man down."  "Shiver me
timbers."  "Who's a pretty bird?"  All the phrases a pirate needs to command
respect on the high-seas!

Guybrush: Do you have any literature I could look at?

Wally: (takes out the paper sheets) Here.

Guybrush kneels down and takes the pirate literature from Wally.

Wally: (continues) This leaflet explains the basic philosophy I follow.

Or:

Guybrush: (in a bored voice) I'm not in the mood for sales hype.

Wally: Here. *(takes out the paper sheets)* At least take this literature.  You
may change your mind.

Guybrush kneels down and takes the pirate literature from Wally.

Guybrush: Set me free, Wally.

Wally: I can't, Mr. Brush.  I'm the evil pirate Bloodnose, now.  And besides...
...even if you got up on deck, LeChuck would cut you to ribbons.

Guybrush: What's behind that door?

Wally: Oooooh... *(points at the door)* That's the door to LeChuck's treasure
hold.  There's heaps and piles of gold and silver.  He's brought all the loot
he's ever stolen to give to Elaine.  LeChuck is convinced that he can buy
Elaine's love.

Guybrush: Hmmmm... *(a pause, then)* What are LeChuck's plans?

Wally: He's been working on a secret weapon.  Some incredibly powerful
cannonball.  He's going to use it to blow down the walls of the fort...  ...so
his crew can overrun the island!

Guybrush: Snap out of it, Wally!

Wally: (retorts) That's Bloodnose to you, ya scurvy sea-bass!

Guybrush: (with an angry look) You're a failure as a pirate.

Wally: (points the gun at him again) Shut yer trap, ya yellow-bellied blowfish!
*(starts aiming at Guybrush)* One more peep out of you and I'll do ya in!

Guybrush: (in a monotone) Peep.

Wally: (angry) Ya scabrous swab!  One more word and I'll let you have it!

Guybrush: (in a monotone again) Word.

Wally: (furious) That's it!

He starts to falter.

Wally: I'm gonna blast ya!  I'm gonna...  ...I'm...  ...gonna...  ...<sniff>...

Wally soon breaks down and becomes saddened.

Wally: Oh, I can't do it!  I just can't!  <sob>

After a pause...

Wally: You're right, Mr. Wood!

He puts the gun away one more time before continuing.

Wally: I'm just not a pirate!  I'm not ferocious, or bloodthirsty, or hateful,
or anything!  I'm not even... *(brief pause)* I'm not even unpleasant!

He kneels down and places his hands to his eyes but accidentally pokes himself
with an "Ow!"  He tosses the hook from his hand and cries.

Wally: Waaaaaaaaah!

Guybrush: (calming him down) Oh.  There, there.

[Try to push Wally]

Guybrush: I don't want to slap the little guy around.

[Examine Wally]

Guybrush: I don't think I've ever seen a cuter pirate.

[Try to talk to Wally again]

Guybrush: I don't want to disturb him.  He's had a hard day.

[Examine the keyhole]

Guybrush looks at the keyhole for a second, then...

Guybrush: I see a diorama of the children of the world living in peace and
freedom.

Wally: <weep>

Guybrush looks at the keyhole again, then...

Guybrush: No, wait.  It can't be that.  It's just too dark to make out what's
in there.

Wally: <whimper>

[Examine the cannonballs]

Guybrush: Nice cannon balls.

[Pick up the cannonballs]

Guybrush: They're too heavy to carry.

Guybrush takes the plastic hook from the floor and, with the ramrod, creates a
gaff.  He then goes to the cannon and attempts to shoot at the four boats.

[If you make a bad aim]

Skeleton Pirate #1: Hey!  You're gettin' a little close there, pal!

Or:

Skeleton Pirate #2: Watch where you're shootin'!

Or:

Skeleton Pirate #3: The fort, you fool!  Aim for the fort!

[Shoot at the fort wall]

Guybrush: Whoops!

Or: 

Guybrush: That was me.  Sorry.

Or:

Guybrush: Sorry about that!

Or:

Guybrush: Oops!  My fault!

Or:

Guybrush: Ouch.

Guybrush successfully downs one boat with a cannonball blast, and the skeleton
pirates scream.  

Skeleton Pirate #4: Hey, whose side are you on?

He aims the cannon at the next boat and downs it with another shot, and aims it
at the third boat.

Skeleton Pirate #3: You're gonna get us all killed!  Again!

Skeleton Pirate #4: It's like you're not one of LeChuck's evil minions!

Guybrush downs the third boat with a cannon shot, then goes for the final boat
and blasts it to smithereens with a final shot, clearing the ocean.

Guybrush: (smiles) Hey!  I'm getting pretty good at this...

He goes to the window.

Guybrush: Ewww, gross... all the bones and stuff are floating towards the ship.

While Wally cries with a "<weep>", Guybrush leans back out of the window and
sees a floating skeleton arm near a skull on the plank, which suddenly talks.

Skull: Well, they've messed with the wrong skull this time!  Ha Ha!  If I
could just get my hands on that gunner!  If I could just get my hands, period!

Guybrush decides to talk to the talking skull.

Guybrush: Lose something?

Skull: I am Murray!  The invincible, demonic skull!  Quake in fear, mortal!
For your insolence, I shall now devour you!

Guybrush: Uh-huh.

Murray: Could you...  ...er...  Could you pick me up, so I can bite you?

Guybrush: No.

Murray: I just thought I'd ask.

Guybrush: You know, you'd look great with a melting candle on your forehead.

Murray: I get the feeling you're not taking me very seriously.

Guybrush: No, I am.  Really.

Murray: Really?  Then let me hear you scream in terror!

Guybrush: (in a bored, low tone) Eeek.

Murray: Bwahahahahahahaha!

Guybrush: Why do you villains always laugh so much?

Murray: I wasn't laughing about anything in particular.  Somewehere, there's a
fish nibbling on my foot and it really tickles.

Guybrush: Can I call you BOB?

Murray: You may call me Murray!  I am a powerful demonic force!  I am the
harbinger of your doom!  And the forces of darkness will applaud me as I STRIDE
through the gates of hell carrying your head on a pike!

Guybrush: (puzzled) "Stride?"

Murray: Alright then, "ROLL!  ROLL through the gates of hell."  Must you take
the fun out of everything?

Guybrush: You're about as fearsome as a doorstop.

Murray: Is it a really EVIL looking doorstop?

Guybrush: Uh, never mind.

After a few seconds...

Guybrush: Was your mother's father bald too?

Murray: (angry) I'm not bald!  I just have a really high widows peak.

Guybrush: Well, at least now you never have to worry about what to wear.

Murray: Well, I suppose that's true.

Guybrush: And accessorizing is really easy.

Murray: That's also true.  And I look good in hats.

Guybrush: There you go. *(after some pondering)* How can you see without
eyeballs?

Murray: How can you walk around without a brain?  Some things no one can
answer.

[If you chose fewer answers]

Guybrush: It's been swell talking to ya.

Murray: (furious) Run, then!  Run!  RUN away from the fearsome skull!  Until
you die, I shall revisit you in your most horrible nightmares! *(evil cackle)*

Guybrush: Whatever.

[If you spoke to Murray long enough]

Guybrush: I'm going now.

Murray: Good.  Now leave me alone!  I have a lot of scheming and evil plotting
to do. *(evil cackle)*

Guybrush takes out the gaff and pulls the skeleton arm holding a sword out of
the water, then puts it away.

Murray: (angry) Hey!  That's my arm!  Give that back!

Guybrush talks to him again.

Guybrush: If I gave you your arm back, what would you do with it?

Murray: I'd terrorize the South Seas!  I'd torture the living!  I'd demolish
the... er...  What I meant to say was I'd use it to pet kittens.

Guybrush: *(Laugh)* Nope.  You blew it.

Murray: (sulks) Drat.

Guybrush takes out the gaff and knocks Murray off the platform.

Murray: Hey!

Murray falls into the water with a splash, and the platform floats away.

[Use the cutlass anywhere]

Guybrush: That doesn't need cutting.

[Use the skeleton arm anywhere]

Guybrush: I can't use the skeleton arm with that.

Guybrush goes back in the deck, then goes to the cannon and takes out the
cutlass, making a pretend stance.

Guybrush: Ha-ha!  Taste cold steel, feeble cannon restraint rope!

He slices off the rope and puts the cutlass away, then goes to the cannon.
Meanwhile, LeChuck holds out a glowing voodoo cannonball as he speaks.

LeChuck: Now, with the demon flames of this voodoo cannonball, I'll blast my
significant other into the significant otherworld. *(Laugh)* 

He gets all emotional as he continues.

LeChuck: That'll show her how much I truly care--

Back in the hold, Guybrush fires the cannon, whose blast makes the cannon knock
him onto the door and bust it to safety; the force also makes LeChuck lose his
balance.

LeChuck: DAAAaarrr!

He suddenly drops the cannonball onto the floor while Elaine watches and waits
for The Death Starfish to blow up, but nothing happens... yet.

LeChuck: (off-camera) Ugh!  Neptune's navel, that was a close one.

A second later, his ship mast blows up in a flash of light.

LeChuck: (off-camera, terrified) Aaaah!

The light fades into a green skull-shaped smoke before it fades away.
Suddenly...

Elaine: (terrified) Oh, no!

She runs as fast as she can as The Death Starfish is sinking, with LeChuck's
smoky boots falling off with his scream.  The ship soon tilts to the side, and
a few seconds later it slowly turns upside-down.  Back on The Death Starfish,
Guybrush gets up in the treasure hold and looks around.

Guybrush: Hey!  I lost my cutlass when the ship capsized.

[Examine the music box]

Guybrush: It's got a zombie ballerina.

[Examine the porthole]

Guybrush: Hey!  I can see the ocean floor.  And there's a really angry-looking
skull floating around out there.

[Examine the lucre]

Guybrush: It's the biggest pile of treasure I've ever seen!

[Pick up the lucre]

Guybrush: I wouldn't be able to swim with all that treasure.  I'll leave it
here and come back for it when I have a boat.

[Examine LeChuck's unused comb]

Guybrush: I hate to think what that comb's been through.

[Try to pick up LeChuck's unused comb]

Guybrush: I think LeChuck needs it more than I do.

[Examine the flotation device]

Guybrush: I don't even want to know what LeChuck's plans were for that.

[Try to pick up the flotation device]

Guybrush: No self-respecting pirate would be seen wearing that.

[Examine the portrait]

Guybrush: It's LeChuck in all his gory.  Err, glory.

He goes up to the bag and examines it.

Guybrush: It's a bag of wooden nickels.  Some treasure.

He takes the bag, uncovering what looks like a diamond ring.

Guybrush: Hey!  There's a big diamond ring behind this bag!

He examines the gaping hole to the surface.

Guybrush: If only I could find a way to get up there and get out!

He picks up the ring, then goes to the porthole to the right of him, takes out
said ring, and uses its diamond to carve out the glass, opening up the
porthole, and water suddenly sprays out on him onto the wall, washing him down.
Scene fades to black before fading back to the ship that is now sinking as he
is now on the flotation device.  The water pressure pushes him up out of the
ship's hole.  Meanwhile, the day is dawning, and as Elaine watches, he swims up
closer to her on shore.

Elaine: Guybrush? ...

She becomes astonished to see him again.

Elaine: Guybrush!  I thought I'd lost you forever.  Is it really you?

Guybrush: (now on shore) Yes, Elaine!

He tries getting out of the flotation device, but it doesn't budge, and he pats
the back of his neck as he continues.

Guybrush: Umm... did you really mean what you said out there? ... That I was
the only man you ever loved?

Elaine: Uh... well... Yes, Guybrush, I guess I did.

Guybrush: Elaine, I'm a man of action.  A swashbuckler.  A rouge.  A wanderer!
A man who can hold his breath for ten minutes.  I have no ties and no regrets.
I sail with the wind and go where adventure takes me.  But somehow, something
always leads me...

Elaine: (interrupts off-camera) Guybrush, stop babbling.

He becomes embarrassed, and then...

Guybrush: Elaine, will you marry me?

He takes out the ring with a sparkle as he speaks.

Elaine: (off-camera, surprised) Oh, Guybrush!

He places the ring onto her finger.

Guybrush: Oh, *(he suddenly stops and looks around to find Wally near them)*
--WALLY?!!  You're alive!  Uh, but, how did you survive the explosion?!!

Wally: Oh, I was thrown clear.  I'm just lucky I wasn't wearing my seat belt.

Wally then looks at her.

Wally: Wow, Elaine!  That's some ring!

Elaine: Thank you, Wally.  It's an engagement ring from Guybrush.

Wally: (excited) Hey!  That looks just like the big diamond ring LeChuck had in
his treasure hold.  You know, the one with that ghastly, disfiguring voodoo
curse on it.

Guybrush and Elaine become shocked upon hearing this before Wally continues.

Wally: Well, I'm sure Guybrush wouldn't have given you THAT ring.  Anyway, I
gotta be going.  I hear there's a tattoo removal place on this island that's
freckle-safe.

As he speaks, Guybrush's flotation device becomes deflated while Elaine gets
angry at him before Wally leaves.

Wally: See ya at the wedding!

Elaine: (furious) Guybrush?!!!

Guybrush: (clueless) Uhhh...

She goes for the wind-up, about to punch him, when a sickly green aura envelops
her, turning her into a golden statue.  Scene cuts to black.

*************************************
*3.1b. Part II: The Curse Gets Worse*
*************************************

Guybrush is shocked to find that his fiancée is now a statue thanks to the
power of what is now the cursed Midas Diamond ring.

Guybrush: Oh no!  Elaine!

He turns around from her.

Guybrush: She's not going to be happy about this.

[Try to talk to Elaine]

Guybrush: Elaine?  Honey?  You okay? *(pause)* Can I get you anything?
*(another pause)* I'll just start lifting that pirate curse, then, huh?

[Try to pick up Elaine]

Guybrush: She must weigh a ton!  Uh, no offense. *(turns around)* Hey, I
wonder how many karats she...  No, no.  Bad idea.

[Go to the bridge near the fort and push the secret button]

A cannon fires from the fortress.

Guybrush: Fun.

[Examine the chicken atop the "Welcome to Puerto Pollo" sign]

Guybrush: Hmmm.

[Talk to the chicken atop a palm tree]

Guybrush: Hi.

He takes the glowing ember to the right of Elaine; the ember becomes hot to his
touch.

Guybrush: Ouch.

[Examine the plaque near the chicken]

Guybrush: It's an informative plaque put up by the Plunder Island Naturalist
Society.  "Plunder Island Feral Chicken.  One of Plunder Island's most common
fauna, and the animal for which our capital of Puerto Pollo is named."

[Try to grab the feral chicken]

On Guybrush's touch, the feral chicken makes a roaring cluck.

Guybrush: I don't think so.

[Examine the voodoo markings on the tree]

Guybrush: Mysterious.

He walks on to the right past the plaque near the chicken, exits the jungle,
and moves on toward the Plunder Island swamp, where Murray is atop the gate,
and tries going to a wrecked ship before...

Murray: BOO!

Guybrush: (with a jolt) AHHHHH!

Murray: Bwahahahahahaha!

Guybrush: (relieved) Oh, it's just you again.

Murray: Just your most terrifying image of evil revisited!

Guybrush: Yeah, right.

Murray: I bring you warning from the infernal realms... do not go farther into
the swamp!  Turn back!  Turn back!  Darkness will envelop you!
Bwahahahahahaha!

Guybrush: How'd you get all the way up there?

Murray: Through sheer force of will.

Guybrush: (bored) Uh huh.

Murray: All right, it was a bunch of those weird voodoo kids.  They found me on
shore and put me on top of this spike, all the time thinking they were so
funny.

Guybrush: Do you need me to help you down?

Murray: (angry) Help?  I need no help from you foolish mortals!  I am Murray!
The all-powerful demonic skull!

Guybrush: Okay, just thought I'd ask.

Murray: Don't get me wrong; I do appreciate the offer.

Guybrush: What are you doing up there?

Murray: I am standing as a testament...

Guybrush: Standing?

Murray: (corrects himself) ...hanging as a testament to the power of the forces
of Evil that will one day claim victory over the entire earth!

Guybrush: How long are you going to keep doing that?

Murray: As long as it takes.

Guybrush: Must get pretty dull up there, I suppose.

Murray: (defiant) Never!  The powers of darkness are never dull!  We will one
day prove that...  ...oh, who am I trying to fool?  I'm bored out of my skull.
Figuratively speaking, of course.

Guybrush: You seem restless.

Murray: Oh, I don't know.  It's just that not many people come through this
swamp.

Guybrush: What would you rather be doing?

Murray: I need to be out among the lesser people, terrifying them and causing
pain and misery.

Guybrush: That would make you happy?

Murray: Yes, happy, in a dark, demonic way.

Guybrush: Do you know anything about lifting curses?

Murray: Oh, right.  I know a lot about lifting curses.  That's why I'm a
disembodied talking skull sitting on top of a spike in the middle of a swamp.

Guybrush: You seem bitter.

Murray: I'm sorry.  It's been a rough day.

Guybrush: I'd love to stay and chat, but ...uh... I've got to go.

[Try talking to Murray again]

Guybrush: I think he wants to be alone right now.

He goes past Murray onto the ship.  Once inside, he goes to the gumball machine
and places the wooden nickel from the bag into its coin slot, and there is a
sound of the machine dispensing a pack of gum.

Guybrush: Wow!  I got a whole pack of gum!

He takes the gum pack, then goes to one of the paper voodoo dolls and pulls out
the pin from it.  Elsewhere, a paralyzed gravedigger suddenly feels that he is
no longer in pain or paralyzed.

Gravedigger: (sighs) What a relief!

[Pick up the voodoo doll]

Guybrush: I don't need it.  It's just a toy.

[Use the pin on the voodoo doll again]

Guybrush: I'm sure it won't do anything.  After all, it's just a paper voodoo-
doll.

He pokes the voodoo doll again, and the gravedigger in the meantime feels a
sharp pain again.

Gravedigger: Yeeeeee!

[Try putting the ember on stick on the voodoo doll]

Guybrush puts the ember on the voodoo doll, and the gravedigger in the meantime
becomes tortured.

Gravedigger: Make it stop!  Aaaaaah!

[If you still have the serrated bread knife and use it on the voodoo doll]

Guybrush tries cutting the voodoo doll, and the gravedigger in the meantime
becomes tortured again.

Gravedigger: Oh!  The pain!

[Try using the skeleton arm on the voodoo doll]

Guybrush pats the voodoo doll with the skeleton arm, and the gravedigger in the
meantime feels rubbed on by an invisible force.

Gravedigger: Ahh... no, it's at the small of my back... no, higher... little
higher... RIGHT there!  Oh, perfect!

Back at the wrecked ship, Guybrush goes to the paste bottle near the voodoo
doll and picks it up, then goes to the alligator and pulls out its tongue,
making its eyes bulge out.  He then turns around as an elevator platform rises,
revealing the Voodoo Lady whom he had met in his previous adventures, sitting
as usual between a flaming sconce and a bookshelf.  He starts talking with her.

Guybrush: Who are you and how did you just appear like that?

Voodoo Lady: I am one gifted with the Second Sight, adept at manipulating the
forces of nature for the benefit of all who enter my door.

Guybrush: You're a fashion consultant?

Voodoo Lady: Well, yes, but that's not what I was referring to.  I am a Voodoo
Priestess.

She tosses an orb onto the sconce, which emits a puff of smoke like a mushroom
cloud.

Guybrush: Neat!

Voodoo Lady: (points at him) You're an "autumn", by the way.

Guybrush: Don't I know you from somewhere?

Voodoo Lady: We have known each other for a very long time, Guybrush
Threepwood.  You've been through much, so it is understandable that you have
forgotten me.  We met on Mêlée Island, when you were first trying to become a
pirate.

Guybrush: Hang on a second.  Are we going to do one of those flashback things?
They always make me nauseous.

Voodoo Lady: No, I'll make this quick.  I twice helped you defeat the evil
pirate LeChuck, first by preparing the voodoo anti-root...

Guybrush: I'm starting to remember...

Voodoo Lady: ...and then again by helping you prepare a voodoo doll of his
zombie form.

Guybrush: (realizes) That's right! *(after a brief pause)* You've helped so
much and I still don't know your name.

Voodoo Lady: (lights up the sconce again) I am known by many names on many
different islands.  But names have little importance. *(points at him again)*
You should know this more than anyone, Guybrush Threepwood.

Guybrush: Yes, you're right... *(pause)* Hey!  Are you making fun of me?

Voodoo Lady: I wouldn't dream of it.

Guybrush: Boy, have I got some stories to tell you!

Voodoo Lady: Stories? *(puts her fingers to her forehead)* Yes, well, I'm...
sensing a great disturbance.  I have to go.

Guybrush: But I've got to tell you about LeChuck!  And Elaine!

Voodoo Lady: I'm going to disappear now, in a big flash of light.  Cover your
eyes...

Guybrush: No, no, no, wait!  It started back on Dinky Island.  I knew LeChuck
was close...

Voodoo Lady: (impatient) I'll be disappearing here, any moment.

Guybrush: (resigns) Okay, okay.  No stories.  Nice place.  I love what you've
done with it.

Voodoo Lady: Thank you.  You'll have to excuse the mess.  The kids came over to
play with their paper voodoo dolls.  They're adorable children.  Would you like
to see some pictures?

Guybrush thinks of what to say, about to say, "NO!", "No, please, no," "For the
love of all that is good and holy, NO," or "I can't think of anything I would
hate more," then changes the subject.

Guybrush: Perhaps later.

Voodoo Lady: (puts her fingers to her forehead again) Yes, there's no time for
that now.  I sense that something terrible has happened.

Guybrush: (astonished) Hey, you're good!  Something terrible HAS happened!  I
finally proposed to Elaine!

Voodoo Lady: Congratulations!  That doesn't sound so terr...

Guybrush: (interrupts) And when I placed the engagement ring on her hand she
was placed under a horrible pirate curse and trapped for eternity as a solid
gold statue!

Voodoo Lady: (tosses the orb onto the sconce again) Ah, that explains it.  I
was struck with a wave of overwhelming hatred and anger.

Guybrush: Yeah, that LeChuck was a pretty mean guy.

Voodoo Lady: I was talking about Elaine.

Guybrush: There's no time to worry about that now!  We have to hurry!

Voodoo Lady: Do not panic, Guybrush.  She will be safe until we can break the
curse...  You only have to worry about her being stolen.  Where did you hide
her?

Guybrush: Err... I can't tell you.  It's too secret.

Voodoo Lady: (tosses the orb onto the sconce again) Very well.  But I am very
much relieved to hear that she is safe and...

Guybrush: (interrupts again) Err... I just remembered something I've got to do.
Uh, see you around!

Voodoo Lady: (points her finger at him in shock) You didn't hide her?  Go,
Guybrush!  Hurry!  Before you're too late!

He runs back to the beach to find that there is now a sign where Elaine used to
be, and that a ship has sailed off.

Guybrush: (shocked) ELAINE! *(after a brief pause and a chicken's cluck)* I've
got to get her back! *(turns around)* This is so embarrassing.  It looks like
I'm going to need some more help.

A few minutes later, he pulls the alligator tongue in the wrecked ship, and the
elevator platform rises again.  He goes to the Voodoo Lady and talks with her.

Guybrush: Someone's stolen Elaine!

Voodoo Lady: That is unfortunate.  It will be difficult to get her back.

Guybrush: Do you know who kidnapped her?

Voodoo Lady: Not for certain.  But I suspect that it's the mangy pirates
anchored in Danjer Cove.

Guybrush: Can you give me something to lift the curse?

Voodoo Lady: No, LeChuck's curse is a very powerful one...  ...fueled by his
anger and his intense frustration in dealing with the opposite sex.

She tosses the orb onto the sconce again as she continues.

Voodoo Lady: I have nothing here to lift so powerful a curse, but there is one
way.

Guybrush: (in hope) Great!  Tell me!

Voodoo Lady: You have to replace the cursed ring with a pure one of greater or
equal value.  A good guideline is two months' salary.

Guybrush: Where am I going to find a huge, uncursed diamond ring?

Voodoo Lady: (puts her fingers to her forehead again) Legends speak of a
whopping big diamond ring on Blood Island.

Guybrush: Blood Island?  I've never heard of it.

Voodoo Lady: (tosses the orb onto the sconce again) You will soon become quite
familiar with it. *(points her finger at him)* But you must be careful,
Guybrush. *(puts her fingers to her forehead again)* I have foreseen that your
journey will be filled with peril and deception.  I have also seen that Blood
Island will be the place... *(puts her hand down before continuing)* ...where
you will die.

Guybrush: Uh huh.  So, uh, any huge uncursed rings on any other islands?

Or:

Guybrush: Die?  Did, did you say, "Die?"  As in, me?  Dead?

Voodoo Lady: Don't be such a baby.

Guybrush: Isn't there a less... dangerous way?

Voodoo Lady: No.  The value of the ring on Blood Island comes from its
emotional significance.  It represents a pure, true love, a power greater than
any other.

Guybrush: Oh, that's sweet.  I... I think I have something in my eye.

Voodoo Lady: (points at him in a strict manner) Do not mock the voodoo
priestess.

Guybrush: How do I get to Blood Island?

Voodoo Lady: (puts her fingers to her forehead again) You will need three
things: A map to Blood Island, for the journey is a long and dangerous one...
...a seaworthy ship to take you there...  ...and an experienced crew.

Guybrush: Map, ship, and crew.  Got it. *(a pause, then...)* Well, how will I
find the ring on Blood Island?

Voodoo Lady: (puts her fingers to her forehead again) All I can say is that I
see a long and painful history connected with that ring...  ...and I feel a
great sadness associated with it.

She puts her hand down again.

Voodoo Lady: You will learn more once you have actually found the island.

Guybrush: Blood Island sounds dangerous!  Ya have to come with me!

Voodoo Lady: No, I cannot.  I have lived on three different islands in the past
six years.  I do not wish to travel anymore.  Besides, this derelict is still
in escrow.

Guybrush: But who will point me in the right direction?  You've got to come!
You're my only hope!

Voodoo Lady: No, Guybrush.  There is another.

As she tosses the orb into the sconce again...

Guybrush: Blood Island, here I come! *(after a brief pause)* I finally defeated
LeChuck and his skeleton pirates!

Voodoo Lady: True evil can never be destroyed completely.

Guybrush: But I heard him blow up and everything!

Voodoo Lady: You'd be surprised at how much abuse an evil undead zombie pirate
can take.

Guybrush: How can I finally destroy him for good?

Voodoo Lady: No one knows.  His power seems to grow with every incarnation.
*(points her finger at him again)* You may have dealt with him for now, but
this respite can only be temporary at best.

Guybrush: I finally found Big Whoop and was enormously disappointed!

Voodoo Lady: (points at him in a warning) Big Whoop is pure evil.  You were
lucky to escape alive.

Guybrush: I can't remember much about it... just that I was expecting so much
more, and felt so let down.

Voodoo Lady: Yes, it is the source of much of LeChuck's power.

Guybrush: (mutters) Well, I'm never going back there again.

Voodoo Lady: (puts her fingers to her forehead again) I have foreseen
otherwise.  You will return to Big Whoop and confront LeChuck once again.

Guybrush: What makes you think LeChuck will be back?

Voodoo Lady: Some men can search their entire lives and never discover their
reason for being.  LeChuck has found his: to perpetually rise from the dead and
torment you and Elaine.  It's what he does best.

Guybrush: Gee, when you put it that way, it's kind of hard to stay mad at him.
*(after a pause again)* What island is this, anyway?

Voodoo Lady: You have landed on Plunder Island.

Guybrush: Plunder Island.  Sounds appropriately piratey.

Voodoo Lady: Naturally.  It's a sort of retirement community for ex-pirates and
their spouses.

Guybrush: Hmmm.  Sounds... exciting.

Voodoo Lady: Lately there has been all too much excitement on the island.  All
centering around Governor Marley, LeChuck, and a giant chicken.

Guybrush: Elaine is governor of this island, too?

Voodoo Lady: Actually, Elaine is the governor of the entire tri-island area,
comprised of Mêlée, Booty, and Plunder Islands. *(tosses the orb onto the
sconce again)* She moved to her fort here on Plunder after the kitchen and
landscaping staff quit her Booty Island mansion.

Guybrush: How did you end up on Plunder Island?

Voodoo Lady: I realized that my location in the swamp on Scabb Island wasn't
ideally situated.

Guybrush: So you moved to a swamp on a different island?

Voodoo Lady: I just said I could see the future; I never claimed to be an
expert in real estate.

Guybrush: What about this giant chicken business?

Voodoo Lady: (puts her fingers to her forehead again) Ah yes, Guybrush.  You
have landed on this island gripped...  ...by the cold, clammy hand... *(puts
her fingers back down again)* ...of FEAR!

Guybrush: Don't you think you're being a bit over-dramatic?

Voodoo Lady: This was a peaceful island, until the Great Beast landed on our
shores.  Some say It was sent to make the islanders pay for their cruelty;
others say it was simply blind fate.  Whatever the impetus, It came.

Guybrush: (terrified) AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Voodoo Lady: What?  What?  I'm not even at the scary part yet!

Guybrush: (calms down) Oh.  Sorry.  Go ahead.

Voodoo Lady: It was El Pollo Diablo, the Giant Demon Chicken!  Tall as a man
and twice as powerful, his massive drumsticks propel him through the dark
jungle with ease.  No one has seen the Beast, but on the eve of the full
moon...  ...his blood-curdling squawk can be heard from every corner of this
wretched island.  In the dark of night, he roosts patiently... watching...
waiting... for the one day...

Guybrush: No, no, no, wait.  Don't tell me.  Let me guess... *(thinks a bit,
then...)* He's crossing the road... to freedom!

Voodoo Lady: (strictly) He roams the island, exacting terrible vengeance on
those who would capture and eat his smaller brethren.

Guybrush: (shrugs his shoulders in jest) Oh, give me a break.

Voodoo Lady: (points at him again) There were once others like you, skeptical
to the true nature of the Beast...  ...but they're all dead now, pecked into a
bloody pulp by his savage beak.  But I'm sure you have nothing to worry about.

Guybrush: Yeah, right.  Whatever.  Thanks, I've heard all I needed to know.
*(after a pause again...)* I want to know what voodoo spell you're working on.

Voodoo Lady: Voodoo spell?  Oh, this.  This is just a fondue I'm making for
tonight.  Would you like to try it?

Guybrush: Does it have any skink toes in it?

Voodoo Lady: A few.

Guybrush: (as she tosses the orb into the sconce again) I'll pass. *(after a
brief pause again)* I want to know more about safe hair replacement systems.

Voodoo Lady: I can imagine. *(points at him again)* Didn't you have a beard the
last time I saw you?

Guybrush: I sure did!  A really cool one!  I wonder what happened to it...
*(another pause)* I want to know more about a diet I can live with.

Voodoo Lady: I'll share with you knowledge passed from mother to daughter in my
family for generations.

Guybrush: What's that?

Voodoo Lady: Low fat, high fiber.  It works.

Guybrush: *(after a pause again...)* I want to know more about variable-rate
mortgages.

Voodoo Lady: Bad idea.  Though attractive to the first-time homeowner, the rate
reacts wildly to fluctuations in the market and can work against the buyer over
time. *(points at him again)* You're best off starting with a 20 percent down
payment and a variable-rate mortgage, then refinancing at a fixed rate after
one or two years, as the market warrants.

Guybrush: Could you repeat that?

Voodoo Lady: (strict) No.

Guybrush: I want to know more about a career in TV and VCR repair.

Voodoo Lady: So you want to make more money.

Guybrush: Sure, we all do!

Voodoo Lady: (strict again) Stick to pirating.

Guybrush: I want to know more about the Aztec god, Quetzalcoatl.

Voodoo Lady: Really sweet guy.  Not at all as bloodthirsty as they make him out
to be.  Shorter than you might think.

After all these questions are discussed...

Guybrush: Thanks for your help.  Gotta go!

The elevator platform lowers down.

[Try to give the pack of gum to Murray]

Guybrush tosses the pack of gum to Murray, who chews it.

Murray: Mmmmmmmm....

Murray blows the bubble while chewing.

[Show the skeleton arm to Murray]

Guybrush: Hey Murray, remember this?

Murray: I'd still appreciate it if I could have that back.

Guybrush: What would you do with it without your collarbone?

Murray: Oh, never mind...

[Show the skeleton arm to Murray again]

Guybrush: Hey, Murray...

Murray: Stop tormenting me!

[If you use the paste with the skeleton arm and then show it to Murray...]

Guybrush: Hey, Murray, check this out!

Murray: (grossed out) Oh, ick.  What have you done to my arm?

Guybrush: Rubbed paste all over it.

Murray: You are a sad, strange little man.

[Use the skeleton arm with paste on Murray again]

Murray: Get away from me, you sick freak.

Guybrush exits the swamp and moves on to Puerto Pollo.  There, he goes into
The Barbery Coast, where he meets four people, and one of them near the exit
door speaks.

?????????: Welcome, patron, to The Barbery Coast...

Another man to the right of the speaker follows.

????: ...where every haircut is an adventure!

A Scottish barber follows the conversation.

??????: Aye!  If yer wantin' a haircut, ye'll have to wait until I'm finished
with Captain Rottingham here.

Guybrush: Are you guys pirate barbers?

?????????: We prefer the term "buccaneer hairstylists".

Guybrush: Great!  Maybe you guys can help me find this huge diamond ring I'm
looking for!

??????: (confused) Diamond ring?

Guybrush: (turns to the barber near the chair) Yeah!  It's supposedly enormous,
and it's on Blood Island!

Rottingham: (the guy seated on the chair) Blood Island?

?????????: Never heard of it.

Guybrush: It's a funny story, really: I need it to lift this curse that's
turned my girlfriend into a solid gold statue!

????: Solid gold?

Guybrush pauses for a bit, then...

Guybrush: Wait a second.  Did I just share too much?

Guybrush goes on to talk to the dapper pirate.

Guybrush: Ahoy there!  I'm Guybrush Threepwood, mighty pirate.

?????????: Of course you are.

Guybrush: Okay, then... who are you?

?????????: Edward Van Helgen.

Guybrush: (surprised) Not THE...

Van Helgen: That's right.  Mine is the name that pirates fear the most.  Edward
"Snugglecakes" Van Helgen.

Guybrush: Dude! *(after a brief pause)* How'd you like to join my ever-growing
pirate crew?

Van Helgen: Your crew?  Why would I want to be on your crew?

Guybrush: It's going to be a blast!  We're going to Blood Island!

Van Helgen: Sorry, Threepwood.  As much as I'd love to be out at sea again...
...I could never serve a captain who wasn't a gentleman and who wasn't my
equal.

Guybrush: Gentleman?  That's me all over!

Van Helgen: Then prove it.  If you can defeat me in a gentleman's duel, I'll
join your crew.

Guybrush: All right.  Let's get to dueling!

Van Helgen: No, no, no.  There are rules.  If you want to duel with me, you
have to give me sufficient insult.

Guybrush: Hmmm... okay. *(tries thinking up an insult, then...)* Hey, that's a
nice shirt...  How long have you been colorblind?

Van Helgen: Oh.  Please.

Guybrush: Nice cologne you're wearing...  Did you actually roll around in dung,
or just dab a little behind each ear?

Van Helgen: That's not the type of insult I had in mind.

Guybrush: Did I mention you're a big old bed-wetting doody-head?

Van Helgen: No, but I'm still not impressed.

Guybrush: How appropriate.  You fight like a cow.

Van Helgen: THAT's an old one.  Come back when you have some fresher material.
Eh?

Guybrush: I don't want to insult you!  Why can't we just get along? *(after
some pause)* You went from pirating to hairstyling.  Why?

Van Helgen: The music of the sea is something that takes hold of your soul and
never lets go.  But the life of a sailor is a rough one, and the sea shows no
mercy.  It was no easy choice to leave...  ...but I realized that I could still
enjoy the music of the sea while remaining safely on land.

Guybrush: Through affordably-priced sea shanty compilation albums?

Van Helgen: Err, no...

Or:

Guybrush: By hanging out at the docks and singing to passing sailors?

Van Helgen: No, believe me, THAT doesn't work.

Van Helgen continues the story...

Van Helgen: By starting a barbershop quartet, obviously.

Guybrush: Obviously.  But there are only three of you.

Van Helgen: Auditions didn't go as well as we'd hoped.  We once had a tenor
named Dominique, but he left.  Artistic differences.  Hmph!

Guybrush: You still haven't explained why you chose hairstyling.

Or:

Guybrush: Oh, my feet are killing me.

Van Helgen: What was that?

Guybrush: Huh?  Oh.  I'm sorry, my mind was wandering.  Please go on.

Van Helgen: Well, we'd spent so much time coming up with a clever name for the
shop...  ...we realized we were going to have to give up singing and actually
become barbers.  But I still like to think that we're not just cutting hair...
...that maybe, just maybe, we're teaching people a little bit about themselves.

Guybrush: Are you truly happy with this line of work?

Van Helgen: I may return to the sea one day, but for now I'm happy helping
pirates look their very best.  At least until we find a fourth for our
barbershop quartet.

Guybrush: I could be the fourth for your barbershop quartet!

Van Helgen: Uh, no, no.  That's okay.  Uh, I was wrong.  We don't need one
after all.

Guybrush: Ah, come on!  I've really got a way with a ballad!

Van Helgen: All right, then.  Let's hear what you've got.

Guybrush starts thinking up ballads, thinking one of them would satisfy
Van Helgen, maybe "'There's a Monkey in My Pocket' (a popular children's
song)"; "'I've Got a Friend in the Ocean' (a popular pirate shanty)"; "'Plunder
on My Mind' (a popular Caribbean island anthem)"; "'Wooden Leg, Restless Heart'
(a popular romantic ballad)"; or "'Silver's Long Johns' (a popular commercial
jingle)".  He chooses "There's a Monkey in My Pocket", then starts warming up
for a few seconds before singing, sometimes off-key.

Guybrush: Oh, there's a monkey in my pocket,
          And he's stealing all my change.
          His stare is blank and glassy,
          I suspect that he's deranged....

Van Helgen: (appalled) Oh my dear sweet merciful savior in heaven!

Guybrush: Pretty good, huh?

Van Helgen: You must take an oath now, before man and God...  ...that you will
never ever again sing in public.

Guybrush: So what are you telling me, exactly? *(after a pause again)* Let me
try out for your barbershop quartet again!

Van Helgen: No.

Guybrush: Oh please!  Please!  The spirit of music is in me!

Van Helgen: All right, but this is the last time.

Guybrush chooses "I've Got a Friend in the Ocean" and, as usual, warms up for a
few seconds, then...

Guybrush: Once my old man spoke to good King Triton
          And asked "Why all this senseless fightin'?
          Why can't we men express emotion?"
          Now I've got a friend in the...
          [here, Van Helgen interrupts before Guybrush can finish]

Van Helgen: Great sainted jumping monkeys!

Guybrush: What do you think, huh?

Van Helgen: That was even more atonal than last time!

Guybrush is still persistent and speaks with him again.

Guybrush: Let me try another song for your barbershop quartet!

Van Helgen: (annoyed) Am I just not getting through to you, Threepwood?

Guybrush: Come on, this time will be great.  Trust me.

Van Helgen: (reluctantly) If you insist.

Guybrush chooses "Plunder on My Mind" and, as usual, warms up for a few
seconds, then...

Guybrush: Plunder, Plunder, how I wonder,
          How'd you get so doggone pretty?
          Home to sailors, barbers, tailors
          And Puerto Pollo, your capitol [sic] city...

Van Helgen: (appalled again) Mother of all that we as humans hold sacred!

Guybrush: Well...?

Van Helgen: You're actually beginning to make me physically ill.  Please, stop.

Guybrush: (persistent again) Listen to me sing again.  You'll love it this
time.

Van Helgen: I really really REALLY don't want to.

Guybrush: No, believe me!  I'm just getting warmed up.

He chooses "Wooden Leg, Restless Heart", and, as usual, warms up for a few
seconds, then...

Guybrush: I'm hooked on you, baby,
          But the seas keep us apart.
          And there ain't no eyepatch big enough
          To cover up my broken heart...

Van Helgen: (infuriated) Words!  I need more words!

Guybrush turns to Van Helgen before he continues.

Van Helgen: My grasp of the language is not sufficient to describe the violent,
retching nausea your singing is causing me to experience.

Guybrush: I'm not following you -- is that a good thing?

He goes for one more shot nevertheless.

Guybrush: I've got one song left for you.  It's a showstopper!

Van Helgen: (annoyed) Okay, whatever.

Guybrush goes for "Silver's Long Johns" and warms up for a few seconds once
more.  Yet, as he sings, Van Helgen gets nauseated by the singing.

Guybrush: For those cold, dark shipboard nights,
          We've got boxers, briefs, and tights
          Made from cotton, silk, or satin,
          In styles Anglo, Dutch, and Latin,
          When you sail don't take a chance
          Wearing nothing 'neath your pants!
          Trust... Silver's Long Johns! (They breathe!)

Van Helgen: (unimpressed) That's odd.

Guybrush: (turns to him once more) What?  What?  You liked it?

Van Helgen: No, no, no.  It was dreadful.  It's just that my queasiness has
subsided...  ...but now I'm beginning to taste metal and see spots before my
eyes.  I'm afraid that your singing is so bad that it has caused me to have a
stroke.

Guybrush resigns with the singing and continues on with the conversation.

Guybrush: I bet you have a ton of cool pirate stories.

Van Helgen: No, I couldn't...

Guybrush: Come on!  I'd really like to hear some of...

Van Helgen: (starts abruptly) The year was 1675.  We were on a course towards
the wreck of The Rattling Phlegm.  Our days were filled with songs of the
voyage and the untold riches we'd find at our destination.  Two months into our
journey, we realized something was horribly wrong.

Guybrush: Had your ship been placed under some kind of pirate curse?

Van Helgen: Not as such, but we were cursed all the same.  

Or:

Guybrush: Were you haunted by the spiteful ghost of a former captain?

Van Helgen: No, a restless spirit would have been a welcome relief compared to
the evil we faced.

Van Helgen continues on with the story.

Van Helgen: We were all stricken with a melody...  ...a diabolical song that I
shall never forget. *(sings out the "Monkey Island" theme song)* La la la la la
la la...  La la la la la la la la...

Guybrush: Hey, that's kind of catchy!

Van Helgen: Aye, all too catchy for a crew of fifty men confined to a ship
hundreds of miles from port.  No one could think of anything else, and many
threw themselves into the sea rather than hear any more of the incessant
humming.  We returned with but eight of our crew left.  The doomed voyage of
The Obsessivo-Compulsivo will haunt me forever.

Guybrush: Whoa!  Look at the time.  Gotta scoot.

He next goes to the salty pirate and speaks with him.

Guybrush: Ahoy there!  I'm Guybrush Threepwood, mighty pirate.

????: So?

Guybrush: So... it's good to meet you, Mister...?

????: (introduces himself) Bill.

Guybrush: Bill?  That's your pirate name?  Bill?

Bill: (turns toward Guybrush) Cutthroat Bill.

Guybrush: Oh, I see.  Well, that puts a whole new spin on it, doesn't it?

A pause, then...

Guybrush: Are you ever going back to pirating?

Bill: Maybe.  Someday.  If I find the right captain.

Guybrush: Perfect!  I'll be your captain... onward to Blood Island and high
adventure!  Want to come?

Bill: You?  A captain?  Hardly.

Guybrush: I'm the mighty pirate who defeated LeChuck!

Bill: And what do you have to show for it?

Guybrush: (ponders) I've got a ton of cool stories...

Bill: Treasure?  Immense mounds of gold and diamonds?  Solid gold scepters of
power?  Anything?

Guybrush: Well, I've got these nickels.

Bill: Wooden?

Guybrush: Err, yeah.

Bill: Some treasure hunter you are!  You couldn't find gold in a jewelry shop.

Guybrush: I bet I could find more gold than you've ever seen!

Bill: How MUCH would you bet?

Guybrush: Well, I've got these nickels.

Bill: Right.  Come back when you have some real treasure to show me.

Guybrush: How'd you break into the hairstyling industry?

Bill: I saw an ad to join a barbershop quartet.  Got a problem with that?

Guybrush: No!  That must be very rewarding work.

Bill: What's that supposed to mean?

Guybrush: Mean?  Just that... you know, cutting hair, and, err, singing must be
just... a lot of fun.

Bill: It's like a party every day.  Somedays [sic] I just don't know how to
contain my joy.  I get giddy and the laughter bubbles out of me like a
sparkling fountain of mirth and gaiety.

Guybrush: Okay!  New topic. *(after thinking a bit)* Do you really enjoy being
a barber?

Bill: It's a steady income.

Guybrush: (thinks a bit again) Pirate stories.  Got any?

Bill: Okay, here's a story: I started out as a crewman on The Raging Tightwad,
sailing out of Puerto Pollo.  The captain was a master treasure hunter, a
diviner from some ancient secret society.  He had some weird fifth sense when
it came to finding objects of value.

Guybrush: Supernatural powers?  I have a hard time believing that.

Bill: I did, too... at first.

Or:

Guybrush: Is this going to be scary?  Because I warn you, I've been known to
leap into the arms of total strangers when startled.

Bill: I have a razor.

Guybrush: Good point. *(laugh)* Please go on.

Bill continues the story.

Bill: We left port without a map, guided only by the captain's keen senses.  We
spent the first week going around in circles...  ...until we realized the
crew's gold earrings were throwing the captain off.  After we tossed all our
jewelry, gold coins, and belt buckles overboard, we got back on course.

Guybrush: Your captain sounds like a real freak show.

Bill: Many of us on board started to think the same thing.

Or:

Guybrush: How long is this story, anyway?

Bill: Long enough.  Shut your hole.

Guybrush: (embarrassed) Will do!

Bill: (continuing) We sailed for two years, and had finally started back to
Plunder Island.  But just as we started to doubt him, he paid off.  We found
sunken treasure, right off the coast!

Guybrush: Wait a second... was it an enormous pile of jewelry and gold coins
and belt buckles at the bottom of the bay?

Bill: Exactly!  How did you know that?

Guybrush: Eh, just had a feeling. *(a pause, then...)* Do you know any more
pirate stories?

Bill: Want the story of how I slit the throat of the annoying little pirate who
kept asking me questions?

Guybrush: Is something troubling you? *(a pause again)* Say, uh, whatcha eating
there?

Bill: Jawbreaker.

Guybrush: Is it good?

Bill: Yep.

Guybrush: You don't say much, do you?

Bill: Nope.

Guybrush: That's a really good jawbreaker there, huh?

Bill: Yep.

Guybrush: Well.  That's just terrific, isn't it?

Bill: Yep.

Guybrush: Boy, I sure could go for a jawbreaker right about now.

Bill: Yep.

Guybrush: (annoyed) I said, "I sure could go for a jawbreaker right about now."

Bill: I hope you find one.

Guybrush: You going to finish that jawbreaker?

Bill: Sure am.

Guybrush: Okay.  Just checking.  Nothing I love more than a good jawbreaker!

Bill: Me too.

Guybrush: (shrugs) Heh.  See?  When you look at it that way, we're really not
all that different, you and I.

Bill: Whatever.

Guybrush: Could I have your jawbreaker?

Bill: No.

Guybrush: (resigns, then...) It's been a pleasure.  Bye.

After some pondering and an idea, he talks to Bill again.

Guybrush: You know, I really appreciate you taking the time to talk to me.  I
think we've, well, we've bonded.

He then slaps Bill on the back, making him choke on the jawbreaker.

Bill: Gnk... *(tries beating his chest to get the jawbreaker out, but coughs
and chokes up)* ...trj...  ...grfklbt...  ...phrb...  ...hack...  ...knnk...
...cough...  ...phrb...

[Try talking to Bill while he's choked up]

Guybrush: Hi.

Bill: Hrmvlnt!

[NOTE: If you leave Bill alone for a few minutes and leave him on The Barbery
Coast before returning, Bill will turn purple and still struggle on the
jawbreaker.]

While Bill is still choking, Guybrush slaps him on the back again, making him
cough up the jawbreaker out of his mouth and onto the floor, and Bill feels
relieved.

Bill: How did you do that?

Guybrush: Oh, it was nothing, really.  Just sudden pressure applied below the
sternum to expel a foreign object from the windpipe.

Bill: That's amazing!  I owe you my life!  From now on...

Guybrush: Yes?

Bill: From now on, that will be known as the Threepwood Maneuver. *(after a
pondering pause)* Nah.

Bill goes back to work, and Guybrush goes to the jawbreaker on the floor and
picks it up.  Finally, he moves on to the barber pirate to the far right and
talks with him.

Guybrush: Ahoy there!  I'm Guybrush Threepwood, and I'm a mighty pi...

Rottingham: (in an annoyed interruption) Quiet!

Guybrush: (finishing the sentence) ...rate.  Huh?

Rottingham: Don't distract him while he's working on me!

??????: Aye, laddie.  Ye'll have to wait yer turn.  It's the pirate way.

Guybrush decides to speak with Captain Rottingham.

Guybrush: Ahoy there!  I'm Guybrush Threepwood!

Rottingham: I see.  And I don't care.

Guybrush: I'm a mighty pirate.

Rottingham: HA!

Guybrush: What did you mean, "Ha?"

Rottingham: I meant just what I said: HA!  If you're a mighty pirate, then I'm
bald.

Guybrush: I'm mighty enough to defeat LeChuck!  Twice!

Rottingham: LeChuck?  Ha!  Even if he is dead, there's just no excuse for that
hair.

Guybrush: So you're a ship captain, huh?

Rottingham: Not just any ship captain.  Don't tell me you've never heard of
Captain René Rottingham. [NOTE: It's weird that in the earlier version
noticable on ScummVM Rottingham's name is mislabelled as "Renee", which sounds
more like a girl's name, if you ask me.  This name is corrected in the game's
final version.]

Guybrush: I've never heard of Captain Rottingham.

Rottingham: (interrupts) I'm only the most cunning and well-groomed captain
ever to sail the Caribbean.

Guybrush: Well, how'd you like to join my crew?

Rottingham: Me?  Serve on YOUR crew?  Please, don't make me break into
hysterical laughter while this buffoon is working on my hair.

Guybrush: Why don't you want to join my crew?

Rottingham: I serve under no man... or boy.

Guybrush: (appalled) Now just one second...

Rottingham: If there's any treasure to be found, I'm going to be the man to
find it.  And I'll look absolutely STUNNING while I'm doing it.

Guybrush: Well, I didn't want you on my crew anyway.

Rottingham: That's your loss.  And boy?  Lose the pony-tail.  It's so... last
year.

Guybrush: Did you know you're starting to go gray?

Rottingham: (furious) I most certainly am not!

Guybrush: Eh, don't get me wrong.  Gray hair suits you.

Rottingham: It doesn't... I mean... of course it would...  ...but uh, I don't
have to worry about that for several years.

Guybrush: If I were you, I'd worry more about those split ends.

Rottingham: (surprised) Split ends?  I'll have you know I've killed men for
comments less slanderous than that.

Guybrush: You've got a bald spot starting here in the back.

Rottingham: (shocked) What?!? *(calms down)* You're lying, of course.

Guybrush: If you say so.  All I know is that there's definitely some kind of
shine going on back here. *(after a brief pause)* You seem irritable.  Is it
from your dry scalp?

Rottingham: My scalp is lovingly massaged with the finest creams and oils in
the world, twice daily.

Guybrush: Eeeh.  THAT's a little more than I wanted to know.

Rottingham: Your petty jabs and insults mean nothing to me.

Guybrush: They're doing great things with dandruff shampoo these days.

Rottingham: I suggest you leave, boy...  ...before you force me to defend my
honor.

Guybrush: (with an alarmed look) Fire!  Run for your life!

Rottingham: (unfazed) I'm sure the authorities probably have the situation
under control.  But just in case, barber.  More moisturizer!

Guybrush: Rabid dogs are on the loose!  Get out now!

Rottingham: I don't hear anything.  There are no rabid dogs on the loose.

Guybrush: (disappointed) That's just what they WANT you to think! *(after a
pause again...)* There's an ax-wielding maniac at the door!  Flee!

Rottingham: Hmm, perhaps you should offer yourself as a sacrifice so the rest
of us may be saved.

Guybrush: The calls are coming from within the barber shop!  You must get out
immediately!

Rottingham: I have no idea what you're talking about.  Leave us alone.

Guybrush: (persistent) Storm's a-coming.  Better get a move on.  Could be a
twister.

Rottingham: Then I'm most definitely staying inside.  The humidity does
horrible things to my hair.

Guybrush: Captain Rottingham?  You're being paged.

Rottingham: (annoyed) Take a message.

Guybrush: You know, sitting down for too long can be unhealthy.  It's a serious
risk to your cardiovascular system.  I think a nice jog could be just what you
need right about now.  Up and at 'em!

Rottingham: (annoyed) Go away.

Guybrush: (repeats) You know, sitting down for too long can be unhealthy.

Rottingham: That's a risk I'll just have to take.

Guybrush: (after some resignation) You seem busy.  I'll come back later.

Guybrush exits The Barbery Coast and examines the fountain.

Guybrush: (reads) "In memory of the chickens who gave their lives...  ...during
the Great Puerto Pollo Potluck Jamboree of 1621."

He goes into the back room of the Long John Silver Center for the Performing
Arts and examines the pirate coat.

Guybrush: Looks like a nice coat...  ...with just a few flakes of unsightly
dandruff.

[Examine the dandruff]

Guybrush: That's weird.  I didn't think dandruff...  ...moved... *(gets grossed
out)* Oh!

[If you pick up the dandruff before examining it]

He picks up the dandruff.

Guybrush: I'd hate people to think less of this guy just because of a slight
problem with...  Hey, this isn't dandruff... *(gets grossed out)* Oh!

[Examine the lice]

Guybrush: They're, uh, wiggling.

He then examines the coat pocket.

Guybrush: It looks like there's something inside the pocket of this coat.

He opens the pocket.

Guybrush: There's a glove in here.

He takes the glove from the pocket.

[Examine the magic hat]

Guybrush: It's empty...  ...or is it?

He then goes to the magic wand.

Guybrush: Watch me make THIS disappear.

He takes the wand and goes to the hat with it.

Guybrush: Nothing up my sleeve...

He goes further from the hat toward the exit door, then pulls out the wand from
his pocket and waves it around a bit before pointing it at the hat, which makes
a "poof" sound and makes something appear.  He puts the wand back in his
pocket.

Guybrush: Presto!  Hey, it worked!  There's something inside!

He goes toward a ventriloquism book inside the hat and examines it.

Guybrush: (reads) "The A-mfggh-C's of Ventriloquism"

He takes the book, then looks at the Blood Island sticker on the suitcase.

Guybrush: (laughs in excitement) Hey!  It's a sticker from Blood Island!  It
says "Blood Island is for bleeders...  ...a message from the Blood Island
Tourism Council."  Maybe the performer who owns this trunk knows how to get to
Blood Island!

[Examine the wig]

Guybrush: It's very mod.

[Use the magic wand on any item]

Guybrush: The magic wand has no effect on that.

[Use the ventriloquism book on the wig]

Guybrush: It's a book about ventriloquism.  Say hello to the folks, Harry!

He takes out the book and throws out his voice as he reads it.

Guybrush: (in ventriloquy) Hello, folks! *(closes the book and puts it away)*

[Use the book on the well-worn trunk]

He takes out the book and throws out his voice as he reads it.

Guybrush: (in ventriloquy) Please someone help!  I'm trapped inside this trunk!

[Use the book on the mirror]

Guybrush: I don't want to throw my voice there.

He goes east toward the stage, where he sees two actors there, and the actor on
the left is reading a script near a hideous, fat pirate wearing a dress.

Actor: (reads) "Ta swab, or not t'swab..."  No, no... That's not right.

[Use the ventriloquism book on the actor]

Guybrush takes out the book and reads it again.

Guybrush: (in ventriloquy) You're no actor!  Get off the stage, ya bum!

He closes the book and puts it away.

Actor: (surprised) What!?

Hideous Pirate: But I didn't...

Actor: Just you be quiet and help me rehearse! *(talks to himself)* C'mon,
Slappy!  You've got to get this right.  The show opens today!

[Use the ventriloquism book on the actor again]

Guybrush: That was funny once.

Guybrush decides to speak to the actor on the left.

Guybrush: Yo.  I'm a dangerous pirate, who are you?

Actor: Cromwell.  Slappy Cromwell.  It's not my real name, actually.  My agent
told me my given name just didn't have star quality.

Guybrush: What was your given name?

Slappy: Rex Fortune, Adventure Seeker.

Guybrush: I see. *(a pause, then...)* What's that putrid stench-ridden drivel
that you're rehearsing?

Slappy: But this... this is the masterwork of the bard!  Do you really think
it's THAT bad?

Guybrush: Do pirates drink grog?

Slappy: (in despair) Oh, I knew I shouldn't have altered the material!  How
could I have taken up my wretched pen and stabbed it, bodkin-like, through the
unsullied poetry of the master.

Guybrush: You re-wrote Shakespeare?

Slappy: I was compelled to!  Not a single person was coming to any of my
performances!  Oh, these stupid, brutish pirates!  Not men enough to confront
their own sensitive inner natures!  So I rewrote the whole folio!  Contracted
the brilliance of decades into a forty-five minute revue!

He lifts his arm as he speaks out the name of the revue.

Slappy: 'SPEARE!  A theatrical medley.

Guybrush: Why can't you go back to the original scripts?

Slappy: Oh, the sweet, sweet, bitter irony of it all.  Now that you have
confirmed that I have produced a work of unredeemable trash...  ...I'm more or
less guaranteed to have a financial success on my hands.

Guybrush: (turns around, clueless) Why do I find that strangely encouraging?
*(turns back to Slappy)* Can I watch you rehearse your horrible play?

Slappy: I'd rather you didn't.  I get nervous when people watch.

Guybrush: Of course. *(after a brief pause again)* C'mon.  Let me watch you
rehearse.

Slappy: I'd rather you didn't.  And stop whining.

Guybrush: PUH-LEEZE can I watch you rehearse?

Slappy: I'd rather you didn't.  You might see the surprise ending to "Romeo and
Juliet."

Guybrush: Romeo and Juliet die.

Slappy: Actually, that ending didn't set well with the focus groups.

Guybrush: (still persistent) C'mon.  Let me watch you rehearse.

Slappy: I'd rather you didn't.  Then you'll hear all the answers to my knock-
knock jokes.

Guybrush: PUH-LEEZE can I watch you rehearse?

Slappy: I'd rather you didn't.

[If you didn't talk to Van Helgen or sing in front of him first]

Guybrush: (resigns a bit, then...) Can I join your show?

Slappy: Let me be blunt...  You just don't have the hands of a spear carrier.

Guybrush: (shrugs) You have no idea how often I hear that. *(a pause, then...)*
Acting is my life!  Let me join your show!  I was a tree in my kindergarten
play.

Slappy: (annoyed) We ALREADY have a tree.

Guybrush: Oh. *(repeats again)* Acting is my life!  Let me join your show!

Slappy: Sorry, this is a one-man show.

Hideous Pirate: Hey!  What am I?  Chopped liver?

Slappy: (to the pirate) No, not liver.  Liver has a more appealing stage
presence.

Guybrush: Of course, what I really want to do is direct.

Slappy: Why?

Guybrush: I've always dreamed of my own production... "Titus Andronicus on
Ice!"

Slappy: (smiles) Brilliant!

[If you talked to Van Helgen and sang in front of him first]

Guybrush: (resigns a bit, then...) Can I join your show?

Slappy: (strict) Good heavens, no!  I could hear your awful singing in the
barbershop from way over here.

Guybrush: PUH-LEEZE can I join your show?

Slappy: (strict again) Good heavens, no!  And stop whining.

Guybrush: (persistent) Acting is my life!  Let me join your show!

Slappy: (strict again) Good heavens, no!

Guybrush: (a bit of pause, then...) Have you been to Blood Island?

Slappy: But of course!  Blood Island was once THE place to be if you were an
artist in the Caribbean.  Those were the days.  We were young and wild!
Pushing the limits of our craft.  Oh, what risky, daring performances we gave!
We weren't afraid to shock or offend the stodgy, mainstream sensibilities of
our audiences.

Guybrush: Oh, what did you perform?

Slappy: Dinner theater, mostly.

Guybrush: Could you tell me how I can find Blood Island?

Slappy: My agent, Palido Domingo, always handled the travel arrangements.  He
would know how to get there.

Guybrush: Any idea where I could find him?

Slappy: He's a member of the Brimstone Beach Club here on Plunder Island.  You
might catch him there.

Guybrush: Carry on.

Slappy goes back to reading again.

Slappy: Then I kill Caesar... follow that up with a little soft shoe.

While Slappy is rehearsing, Guybrush decides to talk with the hideous pirate,
Stu Boyle.

Guybrush: So how'd you get roped into doing this show?

Boyle: I'm a spokesmodel, actually.  But what I really want to do is act.
People just don't take you seriously when you're a spokesmodel.

Guybrush: How surprising.

Boyle: Yeah.  Isn't it?

Guybrush: Break a peg-leg.

Boyle: Thanks.

As Guybrush is exiting the stage...

Slappy: I don't remember.  Is the water ballet before or after my mad scene?

[Examine the plaque near the stage tree]

Guybrush: (reads) "Prop Tree.  Fake trees of this genus were often used by
early settlers for theatrical productions."

Slappy: (still reading) "A pirate, by any other name, would still reek!
Aargh!" *(reads some more)* Next I burn Thebes, subdue its army, trample its
citizenry...  ...and then I smash the watermelon.

[Talk to Slappy again]

Guybrush: Excuse me...

[The same conversation repeats again.]

While Slappy is still rehearsing, Guybrush exits the stage and out of the back
room of the theater.  He goes to the Brimstone Beach Club and Smorgy.  There,
he checks on the Cabaña Boy.

Guybrush: He's a member of the bustling Plunder Island workforce.

Nevertheless, Guybrush decides to speak with him.

Cabaña Boy: Yes.  May I help you?

Guybrush: My name is Guybrush Threepwood, and I'm a mighty pirate.

Cabaña Boy: Threepwood?  You must be "Seersucker" Skip Rackham's cousin.  How
are Muffy and the twins?

Guybrush: (confused) Who?

Cabaña Boy: Hey, it's a lovely afternoon for the beach today.  Not too crowded
yet.  There's a crafts workshop on the south beach and a "Swabercise" class at
two and four.  Water's warm and the waves aren't too high.  Just watch out for
the occasional undead corpse washing up on shore.  Might want to keep the kids
away from any rotting flesh.  But otherwise, the siege earlier today shouldn't
spoil your afternoon.  Just between you and me... the undead are notoriously
bad tippers.  So it's just as well they didn't take over the island, eh?  Ha,
ha.  Let me see your membership card and we'll fix you right up.

Guybrush: (acts in a low voice) You don't need to see my identification.

Cabaña Boy: (acts hypnotized) I don't need to see your identification.

Guybrush: I'm not the pirate you're looking for.

Cabaña Boy: You're not the pirate I'm looking for.

Guybrush: I can go about my business.

Cabaña Boy: You can go about your business.

Guybrush: Move along.

Cabaña Boy: Move along... move... *(suddenly acts strict)* Hey!  Wait a minute!
Your mind games won't work on me, boy. *(pauses a bit, then...)* No membership
card, I see.  Well, SIR...  You're at the Brimstone Beach Country Club and
Smorgy.  Part of the Leisure Lubber's Planned Community for Retired Pirates.
It's VERY exclusive. *(after a brief pause)* I'm afraid if you don't have a
membership card you cannot use any of the club's amenities.

Guybrush: I don't want an amenity.  I had to eat one of those while I was lost
at sea and it was terrible.

Cabaña Boy: (strict) Then let me also point out that without that membership
card you are not permitted on the beach...  ...you can not use any of our
towels...  ...and you can't have anything from the grill.  Good day!

In resignation, Guybrush heads back to The Barbery Coast in Puerto Pollo, where
the Scottish barber is still grooming Rottingham's hair before he sets the comb
down on the table.

[Use the ventriloquism book on Captain Rottingham]

Guybrush takes out the book and reads it again.

Guybrush: (in ventriloquy) Shave me like a yak.

He closes the book and puts it away.

??????: Whatever you say, sir.

Rottingham: (surprised) No, stop!

Guybrush: (laughs) Tee Hee!

[Use the ventriloquism book on Captain Rottingham again]

Guybrush takes out the book and reads it again.

Guybrush: (in ventriloquy) I'd like a crew-cut, please.

He closes the book and puts it away.

??????: Aye Aye, Captain Rottingham!

Rottingham: (surprised) No, stop!

Guybrush: (laughs) Tee Hee!

[Use the ventriloquism book on the barber pirate]

Guybrush: I don't think he'd like that.

Once the comb is on the table, Guybrush quickly sets the lice on the comb
before the barber picks it up to discover the comb infested.

??????: (in shock) Holy infestation!  You've been struck with the hair demons!

Rottingham: What are you talking about?

??????: The cursed head vermin, the scourge of every hygienic sailor on the
Seven Seas!

Rottingham: (surprised) That's a lie!

??????: Sure as I'm standin' here, they're wrigglin' about your scalp like a
pack of wretched sea lions!

Guybrush: Good analogy.

??????: This calls for drastic action.  I'm bringing in Old Ironsides!

Rottingham: (shocked) No, no, let's not be too rash.

Guybrush: (innocently) Rash?  That's a bad sign.

??????: That's no time to lose!  I'm going to have to amputate!

Rottingham: No!  No!  You'll ruin my hair!

Disregarding the warning, the barber yanks out Rottingham's hair, then takes
out the sword and slices the hair clean off, leaving Rottingham bald, then
grabs him by the neck and tosses him out of the shop.  After a few seconds the
barber smiles, and Guybrush talks to him.

Guybrush: (waves) Ahoy there!  I'm Guybrush Threepwood, here to serve all your
mighty pirate needs.

??????: Pleasure to meet ye, Guybrush.  I am Haggis McMutton, of the clan
McMutton.

Guybrush: How did you become a barber pirate?

Haggis: I spent ten years at sea on board the H.M.S. Anathema, the fastest ship
in the Scottish Navy.

Guybrush: So how did that help you become a barber pirate?

Haggis: It was a clipper ship.

Guybrush: Ah. *(after a brief pause)* Do you know any rousing pirate stories?

Haggis: Well, there is the story of The Secret of Bulky Island.  We were a crew
of twoscore men under the command of Big Jake McJuggernaut, the most powerful
captain on the seas.  One night in port, Cap'n Jake heard a tale of an enormous
treasure buried somewhere on Bulky Island.  We set sail and landed on the
island within a fortnight, and found the treasure the next morning.

Guybrush: Bulky Island?  Where's that?

Haggis: Ye won't find it on any map; Cap'n Jake took the location of the
treasure to his grave.  Oh, it was a beautiful sight.  A tremendous chest made
of solid gold.  Big Jake leapt into the hole and wrapped his sinewy arms around
the chest.  He gathered his resolve, counted to three, filled his lungs, and
lifted with all his might.  The sound of his back cracking brought a grimace to
even the most steel-hearted crewman.  By nightfall the lot of us were lying on
the beach, writhing in pain.

Guybrush: Why didn't you work in pairs or groups of three or four?

Haggis: That would've been the weak man's way out!  The pirate Angus McFulcrum
had followed us to Bulky Island, wantin' the treasure for himself.  The
weakling used a lever and took the chest, laughing at us as he carried it to
his ship.  And my proud Cap'n McJuggernaut died in traction, cursing himself
for not being strong enough.

Guybrush: (after some pause) How would you like to join my crew?

Haggis: Ye seem like a nice enough sort, Guybrush, but a man canna serve as my
captain unless he earns me respect.

Guybrush: And how would a man go about doing that?

Haggis: By besting me in a time-honored test o' strength.

Guybrush: Helping you move?

Haggis: Oh, could ye?  I just have a bed and a few boxes of books...

Guybrush: I was just kidding.  Was that really the test of strength?

Haggis: No, I'm talkin' about the traditional Highlander display of strength
and virility...  ...the caber toss!

Guybrush: Oh, but in school I was always picked last for caber tossing.

Haggis: Maybe it's because ye weren't familiar enough with the sport.  Ye
see...  The caber is a large tree trunk.  We go to the field of competition and
each of us heaves the caber as far as he can.  The man whose caber goes the
farthest is the winner.

Guybrush: That's just about the stupidest sport I've ever heard of.  And I
watch cable television.

Haggis: (sighs) Aye, but ye cannot argue with tradition.

Guybrush: Ahhh, toss THIS.

A brief pause, then...

Guybrush: "Haggis."  That's an unusual name.

Haggis: I suppose it is, but "Haggis" is just a nickname.  Me given name is
Heart Liver and Kidneys Boiled in the Stomach of the Animal McMutton.

Guybrush: Oh, so your parents were expecting a girl.

Haggis: Aye.

Guybrush: What is that blue stuff in the jar, anyway?

Haggis: Ah!  The ol' comb juice!  'Tis a fiery brew that's bested many a sailor
with her fermented froth.  It'll burn your throat, unless you chase it with
conditioner.

Guybrush: Those sure are nice scissors.

Haggis: Aye, they're me best pair.  They can cut through almost anything.

Guybrush: Why are they in the ceiling?

Haggis: Sometimes, I cut hair so fast the scissors fly from me hands at
unbelievable speeds.

Guybrush: Could I, uh, borrow those scissors for a minute?

Haggis: Sorry, no.  They're much too valuable to me.  You know they can cut
through almost anything.

Guybrush: Yes, I believe you mentioned that. *(after a pause)* When I think of
all I could do with those scissors...

Haggis: Aye.  The scissors are just that good.

Guybrush: Did I mention how nice those scissors are?

Haggis: Ye did, and it's all true.  They're the best pair I've ever owned.

Guybrush: And they can cut through anything. *(after a pause again...)* Please
let me borrow those scissors.

Haggis: Sorry, but no.

Guybrush: (after some pondering again) I sure could use a haircut.

Haggis: Have a seat, laddie, and I'll do you up with a fine coif!

Guybrush goes to the barber's chair and sits down on it, then, while Haggis is
working, uses the handle to lift up the chair and uses his foot to kick the
paperweight off the book and into his possession.  The book's pages are soon
blown on by the wind.  After that, Haggis looks at the new pages in surprise,
then stops.

Haggis: Ach!  Blast that ineffectual paperweight!  I'll have to go find
another.

Guybrush: (innocently) But what about my haircut?

Haggis: Keep your skirt on, lad.

While Haggis leaves to find a new paperweight, Guybrush uses the chair's handle
again, once... twice... three times... and repeatedly until the chair is lifted
up so high, just high enough to take the scissors caught in the ceiling.  Once
he has them in his possession, he uses the handle to lower the chair all the
way down to his normal position.  Just then, Haggis returns with a frown.

Haggis: Whew!  Well, I searched the whole island and I couldn't find a single
rock for a paperweight.  I suppose I'll just have to eyeball your haircut!

Guybrush: I just remembered.  I have another appointment.

He gets off the chair, leaving Haggis disappointed.

Haggis: Aww... I was going to give you a French braid, too!

[Examine the handle on the barber's chair]

Guybrush: It's the handle the barber uses to raise and lower the chair.

Guybrush then goes to Van Helgen, then takes out the glove and slaps him with
it, and Van Helgen soon finds his calling.

Van Helgen: Now there's a challenge!  To the field of honor!

Scene then fades to black before fading to a grassy knoll, with three open gun
cases next to the banjo case.

Van Helgen: (off-camera) Choose yer weapon.

Guybrush closes the box lid on the gun case in the middle, then goes for the
banjo case and opens it.

Guybrush: (off-camera) I choose the banjo!

Van Helgen: (off-camera) I accept!

Guybrush: (off-camera) You do?

Scene then cuts to Van Helgen and Guybrush at some football field, with their
backs arched toward each other.  Guybrush walks forward to the start at the
number 5, then turns around and starts the duel.  Van Helgen goes first, with
four couplets that he plays, with each couplet ending with the last note, and
Guybrush imitates Van Helgen's moves.  Next round: Van Helgen now plays five
last-note couplets on the banjo in patterns, and Guybrush again imitates Van
Helgen's five couplets without any mistake.  Final round begins, and Van Helgen
now plays six last-note couplets with a tricky banjo finger.  Once again,
Guybrush manages to imitate all six of Van Helgen's last-note couplets without
any mistake at all, and Van Helgen is impressed.

Van Helgen: You're pretty good, boy!  Let's see you follow this!

He starts up a wild, wicked banjo solo, and Guybrush drops his banjo in a dazed
stupor.

Guybrush: He's good.  I'll never beat him.

[NOTE: If you wait a while, Guybrush will take out a lighter and light up for a
bit before putting it away.  Weird.]

While Van Helgen is playing, Guybrush goes to the gun pile, picks up the pistol
from the gun case on the right, then goes back to his own banjo, points the gun
at Van Helgen's, and shoots, dismantling the banjo to Van Helgen's shock.

Van Helgen: What!  You shot my banjo!

Guybrush: You can't be sure of that.  That shot may have come from the grassy
knoll.

Van Helgen: Of all the low-down tricks!  I've never heard of anything so low.
I completely misjudged you!  You are a pirate after all!  I'd be proud to join
your crew!

Guybrush: (smiles) Great!

Van Helgen: I'll just pack this stuff up and get ready.  And give me back my
gun.

Scene fades back to The Barbery Coast, where Guybrush thinks up a plan next.

Guybrush: I'll need two more sailors for my crew.

He exits The Barbery Coast and goes further west through Puerto Pollo, where he
gets near a chicken parlor.  There, he goes to some mysterious flowers, between
the flower and the Danjer Cove sign, takes out the scissors, and cuts out a
flower, which falls to the ground before he picks it up, then turns to a plaque
on the chicken parlor.

Guybrush: I wonder if this plaque says something about the flower I just cut.
*(goes to the plaque and reads it)* "Ipecac (Cephaelis ipecacuanha).  One of
the creeping vines common throughout Plunder Island.  A syrup made from ipecac
flowers was used by the early settlers of Plunder Island as a purgative."

He returns to the ipecac undergrowth and cuts out the remaining ipecac vines
with the scissors, and the scene fades to black before fading to a few minutes
later, with the path now cleared of the ipecac undergrowth.  He puts away the
scissors and sets out through the path to the snake crossing on the cliff atop
Danjer Cove, where he goes to the snake crossing sign.

Guybrush: Hmmm... I wonder what this sign means...  Snake crossing? *(turns
around)* What possible harm could a snake...

He is interrupted by leaves rustling and falling down, then looks up to see a
snake coming down towards him, opening up its mouth, and the screen goes dark
before cutting back to the cliff, where Guybrush realizes that he is swallowed
whole after looking around inside the snake.

Guybrush: Well, this isn't good.

[Try to pick up the snake-beating club or the snake-beating stick]

Guybrush tries reaching for the snake-beating item while still in the snake,
but...

Guybrush: I can't reach it!

[Read the plaque near the snake]

Guybrush: "Massive, Man-Eating Snake.  This fantastic reptile is one of Plunder
Island's most dangerous and beautiful predators."

[Look at the pirate ship at the bottom of the cliff]

Guybrush: I bet that ship I saw belongs to the pirates who've stolen Elaine!

[Examine the Snake-Away™]

Guybrush: I can't see it, but I bet it's Snake-Away™ brand snake repellant.

Guybrush looks around inside the snake and discovers a Fabergé Egg, then picks
it up.  Next, he discovers the vacuum cleaner attachments and picks them up
too.

[Examine lots-o-stuff]

Guybrush: Hmmm.

He goes on to collect all of the lots-o-stuff in the snake, among them the
pancake syrup, the encyclopedia, and the reservation slip, which can be very
useful later.

[Examine the Fabergé Egg]

Guybrush: It's a priceless, delicate Fabergé egg.

[Examine the vacuum cleaner attachments]

Guybrush: It's a complete array of vacuum cleaner attachments.

[Examine the top-secret plans]

Guybrush: I hate to think what would happen if these fell into the wrong hands.

[Punch the snake head]

Guybrush: I'd love to punch him one, but I don't want to make him angry.

[Use the ipecac flower with the snake head]

Guybrush: He's not going for the flower just by itself.

[Use the ipecac flower with any item]

Guybrush: I don't know how to mix the flower with that.

Once he has run out of stuff to find, he takes out the ipecac flower and mixes
it into the pancake syrup.

Guybrush: It makes syrup of ipecac.  That seems logical.

He then takes out the ipecac syrup and pours it into the snake's head, causing
its eyes to bulge out in nausea and belch.  It then squints out and reguritates
him, making him fall off the cliff and into the quicksand, where he is slowly
sinking.

Guybrush: Whew!  That sure was a close one!  I thought for sure when I got
eaten by that snake that I was done for!  *(smiles)* Thank goodness I'm...
*(his smile turns into a frown)* ...safe...  ...now... *(slowly realizes...)*
Hey!

He tries budging, but can't move, then realizes...

Guybrush: Hang on, the quicksand is sucking all the cool stuff I found in that
snake from my pants.  Now THERE's an odd sensation.

[Examine the reeds]

Guybrush: (looks at the reeds) It's a bunch of conveniently-placed hollow
reeds.

He reaches out for the reed and plucks it off, looks at it, then places it in
his pocket.

[Try to use any item when you're stuck in the quicksand]

Guybrush: I can't move anywhere in this quicksand!

[Examine the life-saving vine]

Guybrush: If I could just reach that vine, I could pull myself free.

[Try to pick up the life-saving vine]

Guybrush: I can't reach it.

[Examine the branch]

Guybrush: It's a branch resting precariously on that tree root.

[Use the paperweight on the branch]

Guybrush: My aim is always off when I'm under stress.  I might miss.  If only I
had some sense of dropping the weight on the branch from directly above.

[Examine the plaque in the quicksand]

Guybrush: (reads) "Quicksand Pit.  Quicksand pits of this type are common
throughout Plunder Island's nature trails.  Many an unwary traveler has found
himself trapped and unable to esca... uh-oh.  Someone anyone please please help
me I'm sinking!"

Guybrush examines a plaque near a thorny plant.

Guybrush: (reads) "Pappapisshu Bush.  Discovered by Plunder Island's indigenous
peoples, this bush is named after a native word meaning 'Youch!'"

He picks up the thorny plant, which pricks his finger.

Guybrush: (learns the new word) Pappapisshu!  Well, I got the thorn.  I hope
that was worth it.

[NOTE: If you don't read the plaque before picking up the thorn, Guybrush will
just say "Youch!"]

[Try to talk to the feral chicken]

Guybrush: I've got nothing to say.

[NOTE: If you wait a few minutes, the chicken will look up and sink into the
quicksand that will consume it completely.  Poor chicken!  :(]

He places the thorn onto the reed and...

Guybrush: Neat.  A world-class pea-shooter.

[Use the pea-shooter with the life-saving vine]

Guybrush: Shooting the vine won't do any good.

[Use the pea-shooter with the branch]

Guybrush: Even if I could hit the branch with that, it wouldn't do any good.

He then ties up the helium balloons he had primarily from the Carnival of the
Damned in his inventory onto the paperweight, and it floats into the air.  

[Examine the floating balloon]

Guybrush: It's just floating there.

[Try to pick the floating balloon]

Guybrush: I'd better not put it away just yet.  I think I'm onto something
here.

He then blows on the balloon, making it move to the left and near the feral
chicken and the vine.

Guybrush: Perfect!  For once today, things are going...

Before he can finish the sentence, the balloon suddenly floats further away
from the screen.

Guybrush: Well, darn.

However, the balloon with the paperweight suddenly returns to his surprise.

Guybrush: Hey!

It flutters onto the top of the branch near the vine again.

Guybrush: Thank goodness for those unpredictable Caribbean trade winds!

As he is sinking further, he takes out the peashooter, then blows out the
thorn, making it fly and pop the balloon.  The paperweight falls onto the
branch, releasing the life-saving vine in front of him, then he puts away the
peashooter and climbs out of the quicksand field.  He moves onward toward
Danjer Cove, then crosses the rock bridge near the waterfall in the sea.  He
goes on toward the rowboat and tries using it.

Guybrush: It's got a huge hole in the bottom.  I'd sink.

[Examine the rowboat]

Guybrush: It's a nice boat except for that enormous gaping hole in the bottom.

[Examine Danjer Bay]

Guybrush: It's the bay.

He looks at the pirate ship again.

Guybrush: Those must be the pirates who've taken Elaine!

With nothing much to do, he returns to Puerto Pollo from the Danjer Cove path,
where he examines the flyer near the Chicken Parlor.

Guybrush: (reads) "Feeling down 'cause your chick's turned to gold?  Come to
the swamp!  Get your fortune told!  Voodoo 'n' Things. (Formerly Just Voodoo.
Visit our new location on Plunder Island.)"

He picks up the flyer, which is not much use now that he has visited the Voodoo
Lady already.

[Examine the walk-thru speaker]

Guybrush: (reads) "Blondebeard's Chicken Shoppe."  It's the two-way speaker for
the walk-thru.

[Talk through the walk-thru speaker]

Guybrush: Hello?

Walk-Thru Speaker: (gibberish) Wha wha gan boz gre brahas.

Guybrush: I can't understand you, what was that?

Walk-Thru Speaker: (in more gibberish) Vozz bahh lan la vot bosz draj!

Guybrush: Ah, forget it.

Walk-Thru Speaker: (gibberish) Brahz voooz.

He then goes into the Chicken Shoppe, where a proprietor arrives near him.

Proprietor: Do ya have a reservation?

Guybrush: Of course I have a reservation!

Proprietor: Then let's see your reservation slip!

Guybrush takes out the reservation slip and shows it to the proprietor.

Proprietor: Very good.  You may seat yourself, Mr... uh...  ...pardon me...
...Mrs. Brinestoop.

The proprietor moves to the side, and Guybrush goes to the window to the left
of the kitchen door, picking up a biscuit cutter and a pie pan there.  He then
proceeds to speak with the proprietor, who scratches his behind with his hook
and turns around to face him.

Guybrush: Excuse me, but...

Proprietor: (raises his hook in gladness) What a lucky pirate are ye!

Guybrush: (clueless) Me?

Proprietor: Ye've struck GOLD, boy!

Guybrush: I have?

Proprietor: (raising up his hands in joy) GOLD!  GOLD!!  GOLD!!!  Ha-Ha!
GOLDEN NUGGETS O' CHICKEN!

Guybrush: Oh.

Proprietor: A treasure trove o' deep-fried fun! *(laughs again)* Now, what can
kindly ol' Captain Blondebeard bring ye fer lunch?

Guybrush: I'll have the, eh, broasted wattle molé.

Blondebeard: We're out o' that, I'm afraid!  Actually, I'm out of just about
everything.  Not a drumstick left.  All I have left are those biscuits and a
few tubs of our special ipecac slaw.

Guybrush: How's the ipecac slaw?

Blondebeard: Not bad...  ...but fifteen minutes later ya be hungry again.

Guybrush: Would you like to join my crew and sail to Blood Island?

Blondebeard: (surprised) What!?  Leave me shop unguarded!? *(raises his hook in
anger)* Why, ya treacherous tripe!  You're lucky I don't take out me whisk and
run you straight through!

Guybrush: (astonished) Whoa!  Calm down.  I was just asking.

Blondebeard: Sorry.  I'm as edgy as a beached whale in Nantucket.

Guybrush: What's wrong?

Blondebeard: There be a horror that prowls the jungles of Plunder Island.  A
seven foot tall monster, he be.  And he has a hatred for mankind unequaled.
His preternatural rage burns hotter than the coals used to roast a million of
his kin.  He is El Pollo Diablo! *(raises his hook again)* The devil chicken!
THE DEVIL CHICKEN!

Guybrush: (unamused) The devil chicken.

Blondebeard: He hates me most of all.  And his revenge against me must be
tastier than me "hearty giblets and cracklin's party mix."

Guybrush: What's he done?

Blondebeard: He turned loose ALL me chickens!  Returned them to the wild, to
roam the jungles free, as nature intended.  Even now, I have a huge order to
fill and no chicken to fill it.  But I know he's not through!  Ruinin' me
business is just the first step!  Some day, he'll return... FOR ME!  But mark
this!  I'll be ready for him!  And a seven-foot chicken means me business will
be thrivin' once more!

Guybrush: Do you have any specials?

Blondebeard: We're out o' potatoes, but we still have some eyes left!

Guybrush: No thanks. *(after a brief pause)* Do you have any other specials?

Blondebeard: Thar be a heapin' glob o' lard I keep in the back fer special
occasions.

Guybrush: No thanks. *(after a pause again)* Do you have any other specials?

Blondebeard: Have ye tried peat moss and tree bark?  Many parts be edible, ya
know.

Guybrush: No thanks. *(after a pause again)* Do you have any other specials?

Blondebeard: One word fer ya...  Hummus.

Guybrush: No thanks. *(after a pause again)* Do you have any other specials?

Blondebeard: No more.

Guybrush: (after some resignation) To whom were you going to deliver your
chicken?

Blondebeard: There lies a pirate ship in Danjer Cove.  And the first mate o'
that ship fancies me chicken.  But I better be deliverin' their chicken soon.
Most likely, I won't even have time to cook it.

Guybrush: Why is that?

Blondebeard: Ya see, I gots me this "delivery in thirty-days or it's free"
policy.  And I be runnin' a bit behind.

Guybrush: What are the pirates of Danjer Cove like?

Blondebeard: They're a secretive lot, and I can't say I've seen too much of
them.  They seem to be what one would expect from a bunch o' grog swiggin'
pirates.  As filthy and hairy a buncha swabs as you'd ever hope ta meet.
*(raises his hook in warning)* But beware o' their captain!  From what I hear,
he's got the disposition of a shark in need of a root canal.  If he be catchin'
ya near his boat, ye'll be tortured for sure!

Guybrush: (repeats) To whom were you going to deliver your chicken?

Blondebeard: To the pirates at Danjer Cove!

Guybrush: How long have you been out of chickens?

Blondebeard: Weeks... months maybe.  And it's not the loss o' business that
hurts me the most.

Guybrush: No?

Blondebeard: (rubs his stomach) I miss the taste o' me chicken!  Ye can dine
this world over, but ye'll ne'er be a connoisseur o' carrion...  ...'til ye had
a taste o' me savory squab!  Why, even now, I gots me a cravin' fer me palate
pleasin' poultry!  Ah, I can taste it now!

He runs his stomach and licks his chops before continuing.

Blondebeard: Me crispy Bounty o' Breaded Beaks!  Thar be nothin' like the
hearty crunch from these pan-fried jewels!

Guybrush: Isn't that a little hard on your teeth?

Blondebeard: Aye!  But the challenge of it all be half the dining enjoyment!
Now that I got the thought o' that crispy chicken extremity in me head...
...I'll be pinin' fer the crunch 'til I get me somethin' ta crack me teeth on!

Guybrush: What do you miss most about your chicken?

Blondebeard: (raises his hook) The crunch!  It's the crunch I be missin' most!

Guybrush: Nice gold tooth you have there.

Blondebeard: Aye!

He shows his gold tooth in the middle of his mouth, which glistens up and
shines.

Blondebeard: It glistens like the golden topping o' grease on me luscious
batter-fried chicken!

Guybrush: Did I mention how much I admire your gold tooth?

Blondebeard: Aye, ya did. *(shows his gold tooth again)* It's one heck of a
gold tooth... and Blondebeard serves up one heck of a lunchtime value!

Guybrush: Don't you ever like to get outside the shop?

Blondebeard: Aye!  I love the outdoors, especially the beach.  Why, I'm in fact
a member o' the Brimstone Beach Club and Smorgy.  Been a member there for
years.

Guybrush: How did you become a member?

Blondebeard: I threatened to run them all through.  Then I lost me membership
card.  Last time I remember having it, it was in me breast pocket.  I believe
I was in me kitchen preparin' some grub.  Then I had that awful sneezin' fit.
Oh, that was bad.  No matter.  I guess I'll just have 'em issue me a new one.

Guybrush: I'll let you get back to work.

Blondebeard: Aye!

Guybrush goes to the hideous portrait and looks at it, which is shown to be a
picture of a drooling monstrous chicken with teeth.

Guybrush: (off-camera) The devil chicken.

Guybrush goes to the barrel of biscuits and picks up the tasty, buttery biscuit
from there and eats it, then gets grossed out as he eats.

Guybrush: Eeeew!  This biscuit is full of... maggots!

He puts the eaten biscuit away into his pocket.

Blondebeard: Aye!  Ha-Ha!  That's me special ingredient!  Adds just the right
amount of exotic flavor!  It's a good thing, too, 'cause I can't keep 'em out
of the food around here.

[Examine the biscuit barrel]

Guybrush: (reads) "Biscuits and More."  I wonder what the "more" is.

[Examine the value meal menu]

Guybrush: (reads) Value Meal: Two drumsticks plus super slaw.  Looks like a
fine deal if you like slaw.

[Use the ventriloquism book on Captain Blondebeard]

Guybrush takes out the book and reads it again.

Guybrush: (in ventriloquy as the Devil Chicken) Braaakk!

Blondebeard: (surprised) What was that?!

Guybrush: (in ventriloquy as the Devil Chicken) It is I, the spirit of El Pollo
Diablo!

Blondebeard: (turns around) Back!  Back, you fowl demon!

Guybrush closes the book and puts it away before turning to Blondebeard again.

Guybrush: Just kidding.

Blondebeard: (turns back to Guybrush) Why, ye little scamp!

[Use the ventriloquism book on the hideous portrait]

Guybrush takes out the book and reads it again.

Guybrush: (in ventriloquy as the Devil Chicken) Braaakk!

He closes the book again.

Blondebeard: (annoyed) Stop foolin' kindly ol' Captain Blondebeard now.

Guybrush goes to the quiet patron at the table and tries talking with him.

Guybrush: Excuse me...  Sir?

There is no response from the patron.

Guybrush: Now that's just rude.

[Examine the quiet patron]

Guybrush: He's awfully reserved for a pirate.

Guybrush tries speaking again.

Guybrush:  Hey!  Mister.  Mister, are you listening?

He pushes the patron, revealing a skeleton that closely resembles Manny
Calavera from "Grim Fandango™" and collapses on the table with a serrated bread
knife on its back.

Guybrush: (freaked out) Ah!  It's one of LeChuck's skeletal horde!

Blondebeard: Aye!  I fixed his little red dinghy, but good!

Guybrush: Mmmm.  The undead that walk among us must surely be destroyed lest
their evil like...  ...overrun and befoul the world of the living.

Blondebeard: Aye.  And he complained about me chicken.

Guybrush: Oh.

[Examine the button near the very quiet patron]

Guybrush: It says, "Ask Me About Grim Fandango™."

[Talk to the very quiet patron after examining the button]

Guybrush: What can you tell me about "Grim Fandango™?"

No response from the patron again.

Guybrush: (shrugs) Anything?

After a pause again, he turns to the camera.

Guybrush: I don't like to speak ill of the dead...  ...but this guy's lousy at
marketing.

[Talk to the very quiet patron again]

Guybrush: He's not much of a talker.

[Use the ventriloquism book on the very quiet patron]

Guybrush takes out the book and reads it again.

Guybrush: (in ventriloquy) Waiter, what's this metatarsal doing in my soup?

He closes the book and puts it away.

[Try to pick up the button]

Guybrush: I don't want people always asking me about Grim Fandango™.

He pulls the serrated bread knife out of the skeleton's back and puts it away,
then examines the gross chicken.

Guybrush: This is the greasiest, crustiest, most revolting chicken I've ever
seen!

Blondebeard scratches his behind again before turning around in front of
Guybrush again.

Blondebeard: Ahhh!  Yes!  He got our blackened, Cajun-style chicken!

[Try to eat the gross chicken]

Guybrush: I can't eat that.  The fumes alone would kill me.

Guybrush places the maggots onto the gross chicken, and the maggots consume the
chicken, reducing it to bones and revealing a club card there.  He turns around
slightly, and after a few seconds of pause he turns back, grossed out.

Guybrush: Yuck.

He picks up the club card from the chicken bones. 

[Examine the club card]

Guybrush: (reads) "Brimstone Beach Club.  Member Since 1632."

He then goes to Captain Blondebeard again.

Guybrush: Would you like this jawbreaker?

He shows the jawbreaker to Blondebeard, who takes it and eats it.

Blondebeard: Thanks, ta ye.

All of a sudden, his eating stops and he gets zonked out in pain.

Blondebeard: Ouch!  I think I loosed me gold tooth! *(raises his hook hand in
frustration)* Arrrgh!  I knew sweets were bein' bad fer me teeth.  But it had a
fine crunch and were a fiesta-o-flavor!  From now on, I'll be sticking to
fleshier foodstuffs.  Somethin'... somethin' chewy!  Well, there I go again!
This ol' salts got a cravin' fer somethin' ta squish between me teeth!

Guybrush: Would you like some gum?

He shows the gum to Blondebeard, who takes it and chews it.

Blondebeard: Thanks.  Mmmmm...  This is really good steak-flavored gum!  It
gets ya here!  And it gets ya right here!

While he chews the gum and blows out a bubble, Guybrush takes out the pin and
pops the bubble, releasing the gold tooth onto the floor, and Blondebeard licks
his lips in surprise.

Blondebeard: (raises his hook hand) Why, ye little scamp!  Haha.  That's quite
a funny trick ye've played on old Cap'n Blondebeard!

Guybrush picks up the gold tooth on the floor, then chews up his remaining pack
of gum and blows the bubble, making it pop.

Guybrush: Mmm... tastes like sirloin!

He spits out the gum and places the gold tooth on it.

Guybrush: The gold tooth is in the gum.

He then takes out the helium balloon and inhales it, sucking out all the helium
from it, and all of a sudden he starts squeaking fast like a chipmunk.

Guybrush: (fast chipmunk voice) Hmm.  That's made my voice sound funny.

He quickly chews up the tooth in the gum and blows out the helium bubble,
making it slowly float out of the window above the door while Blondebeard
scratches his behind again.  After a few seconds, a pop is heard from outside,
followed by the sound of the tooth sliding down a drainage system.

Guybrush: (in a normal voice again) Cool!

He starts going for the exit, when Blondebeard scratches his behind again and
turns to him.

Blondebeard: Wait one second!

Guybrush walks back to him.

Blondebeard: Do ye have me gold tooth?

Guybrush: Um... no?

Blondebeard: Let me see.

He checks Guybrush's pockets and inventory box to see that there is no gold
tooth anywhere.

Blondebeard: (surprised) Ye don't have it!  Darn.  I'll have to order a new
one.

Scene cuts to Guybrush outside the chicken parlor a few seconds later.

Guybrush: I wonder where that tooth fell.

He goes to the mudpuddle near the drainage system, then takes out the pie pan
and scoops up the gold tooth that had been caught in the mudpuddle, sifting the
mud from the tooth like a miner, then stows it away.

Guybrush: It's the gold tooth!

He then goes from Puerto Pollo to the Field of Honor, then goes to one of the
rubber trees near the field, takes out the biscuit cutter, plunges it into the
tree, and pulls out a rubber plug from it, then stows it away.  He then goes to
the sawhorse that holds a keg, takes out the serrated bread knife, kneels down
and saws up the sawhorse's leg.  He gets up, stows the knife away, and watches
as the keg tumbles over and rolls onto the rubber tree, bumping into it while
the rum spills out of the keg.

[Examine the rubber tree]

Guybrush: There are ants crawling all over it.

He then goes to the trail of rum and lights it up with the ember on a stick.
The flame lights up the trail, and he gets panicky at the fire getting close to
him and jumps out of harm's way as the rum keg explodes like dynamite, blowing
the rubber tree clear away.  Within a few seconds, the rubber tree caber falls
onto the pile of cabers.  Back at Puerto Pollo he gets up in a daze.

Guybrush: Oooh, my head is spinning.  I've got to lay off the rum.

He goes back to The Barbery Coast, where he goes to Cutthroat Bill with the
gold tooth he has in his hand.

Guybrush: Check this out.

Bill looks at him in astonishment as he is shown the gold tooth.

Bill: Is that real gold?  I guess you can find treasure.

Guybrush: So you'll join my crew?

Bill: Sure, as long as my partners will join, too.

He returns to work.

Guybrush: I'll need one more sailor for my crew.

Guybrush then speaks with Haggis McMutton again.

Guybrush: Are you sure you don't want to join my crew?

Haggis: It's as I told ye, Guybrush.  Not until you can best me in the caber
toss.

Guybrush: Sounds great!  Let's do it!

Scene fades to black before fading back to the Field of Honor, where Haggis
lifts up the caber first and tosses it onto the number 15 in exhaustion.
Guybrush's turn comes up as he uses his strength to lift up the rubber caber,
but gets exhausted and falls onto the ground, but not without making the rubber
caber tumble and roll beyond the number 15 off-screen, hitting a chicken from
far off screen.  He then gets up in triumph.

Guybrush: Hey, I win!

Haggis: (surprised) By the spiralling bouffant of me great uncle McManus!
Never before have I seen such strength!  Sure I'll join yer crew!  I'll wait at
the shop until you're ready to leave!

Scene fades to black before fading back to The Barbery Coast where Guybrush is.

Guybrush: Well, I've got my whole crew.

As he leaves The Barbery Coast, scene cuts to the ship on the ocean near the
boxes of fruit and bananas and a chicken floating on a keg of grog.

                 Meanwhile, off the coast of Plunder Island...

A pirate's voice sounds off as he has discovered something.

Fat Pirate: A barrel of grog!  And a chicken!  Ha, ha!  Look at all this stuff,
mate!

Scene cuts to the quarters door, where a fat pirate squeezes the chicken and
the grog keg inside.

Fat Pirate: Oh, that musta been some battle!  Let's pull up anchor and make for
Skull Island.  King André will pay through the nose for all this loot!

The thin pirate starts pulling the gaff, but pauses a bit and looks down.

Thin Pirate: Wait a minute!  There's something else.  It's... uh... it's...
uh... it's some kind of footwear...

While he speaks, scene cuts to LeChuck's boots on some platform near the ship
in the ocean, then cuts to a close-up of the boots, where his faint cackle is
heard.

Thin Pirate: (off-camera) Hey!... Those are nice boots!

The pirate picks up the boots with the gaff before the scene cuts to inside the
quarters.

Thin Pirate: (off-camera) Aaaaah!  But they're still hot!  Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow.

The pirate runs off to the quarters door and tosses the boots inside, where
they come down with a thud in a few seconds.  LeChuck's cackle is heard as the
pirate starts to leave, then roaring flames rise up from inside before the
pirate hears them and looks behind him, and is shocked to see the flames
burning inside.

LeChuck: (off-camera) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!

The pirate becomes horrified at LeChuck's cackle and screams as the camera cuts
to the ship and pulls away from it.

LeChuck: (off-camera) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!

Thin Pirate: (joins LeChuck's cackle off-camera) Aaaaaaaaaaa!

Scene cuts to black before cutting back to Puerto Pollo, where Guybrush exits
town and returns to the Brimstone Beach Club and Smorgy.  There, with the club
card in his hand, he speaks to the Cabaña Boy again.

Guybrush: Excuse me.

Cabaña Boy: Yes, you filthy little man?

Guybrush: My card...

The Cabaña Boy kneels down like, "I'm waiting" as Guybrush shows the club card
to him, and he stands up and smiles.

Cabaña Boy: Let me see that!

Guybrush shows the club card to him again.

Cabaña Boy: (shocked) Oh, no!  In the name of all things clean!  You've got a
membership!

Guybrush: Yes.  And I think I'll just take one of your fluffy, clean towels...
...and enjoy a nice, relaxing stroll down your beach.

Cabaña Boy: (horrified) NO!  YOU MUSTN'T!

Guybrush: I must.  And perhaps I'll sunbathe nude.

Cabaña Boy: (shocked again) Sweet mother of pearl, no!

Or:

Guybrush: Quiet!  The voices in my head are telling me something.

Cabaña Boy continues on as before.

Cabaña Boy: Now that I think about it...  ...it is nice out on the FAR end of
the beach.  You should go there.  You should go there now.

Guybrush becomes persistent and talks to the Cabaña Boy again.

Guybrush: Oh, cabaña boy? [NOTE: How does Guybrush pronounce the Cabaña Boy's
name as "ca-BAN-na boy" when it should be pronounced as "ca-BAH-nya"?]

Cabaña Boy: Yesss...

Guybrush: It's quite hot.  Fetch a towel and mop my brow, would you?

Cabaña Boy: Can I have another look at that card of yours?

Guybrush: Uh... actually the towels are right here.  I'll just help myself.

He then goes to the towel bin and picks up one of the towels.

Guybrush: Nice, fluffy towel.

[Try to pick up the cooking oil near the Cabaña Boy]

Guybrush: May I please have some of your oil?

Cabaña Boy: That oil is solely for the use of the fry-station technician.

Guybrush then takes out the dry towel and dips it into the ice bucket on the
bus cart, then takes it out and puts it away, then turns around.

Guybrush: This towel is soaking wet.

He then goes to the right of the Cabaña Boy, takes out the wet towel, and whips
him from behind.

Cabaña Boy: (jumps in pain) Pappapisshu! [NOTE: It's kind of weird how the
Cabaña Boy learns to say "Pappapisshu!" when Guybrush reads the plaque near the
Pappapisshu Bush in the quicksand.  :P]

The Cabaña Boy runs off screaming in pain, and a rustling of the bushes is
heard for a few seconds before it stops.  With the Cabaña Boy out of the way,
Guybrush picks up the cooking oil behind the counter, then goes to the towel
bin again and picks up another towel.

Guybrush: Nice, fluffy towel. *(after some pause and pondering again)* I'll
just take one more. *(takes a third one)*

[Try to pick up another towel when you already have three towels]

Guybrush: I've got enough towels.

He then goes to the bus cart again, then dips two more towels into the ice
bucket before putting them away and going from the bus cart.

Guybrush: The towels are all wet now.

[Examine the weenie roaster]

Guybrush: Chicken franks!  Chock full of processed beaks and wattles!

With the wet towels in hand, he goes to the Brimstone Beach, where there's a
sand castle to the right of him.  There, he tries crossing to the far end, but
jumps in pain as the sand is burning his feet, and he runs back.

Guybrush: Hot!  Hot!

Still jumping around, he goes off-screen for a bit, then goes back to the beach
again before turning toward the camera.

Guybrush: With these holes in my shoes I'll never get across that hot beach.

After some pondering, he takes out one wet towel and unrolls it across the hot
sand, then goes on one, takes out another wet towel, and unrolls it next to the
wet towel.  About two-thirds of the way, he takes out the final wet towel and
unrolls it onto the hot sand near the second wet towel.  Once he's safely all
the way across...

Guybrush: Whew!

A second later, all three towels catch on fire from the sand one by one until
they disappear altogether.  Guybrush moves onward and sees a pale man
sunbathing on a towel near a palm tree, and decides to speak with him.

Guybrush: I'm Guybrush Threepwood.

Sunbather: (turns to him) Very nice to meet you, Mr. Threewood.  I am Palido.
Palido Domingo.  I am so glad you're here.

Guybrush: Finally...  ...someone on this island with some manners.

Palido: My drink needs refreshing.  Take it away and bring me another.

Guybrush: I don't think you understand.  I'm a mighty pirate.

Palido: I'm sorry, babe.  I really, sincerely am.  Perhaps I didn't use the
magic word.  Take this drink away and bring me another...  ...NOW.

Guybrush: (persistent) It's me again...

Palido: (interrupts before Guybrush can finish) How nice.  Look... babe...  You
know I love your work, and I respect you as an artist.  But...  Now hurry up
and get me that drink!

Guybrush: (still persistent) Look here, you...

Palido: (impatient) Get my drink and make it snappy!

Guybrush: (resigns, then...) Wow!  You're pale!

Palido: Look!  Babe...  I haven't been sunbathing for very long, so cut me some
slack.

Guybrush: How long have you been out here?

Palido: Since [seven-months-ago name]. [NOTE: This "How long have you been out
here?" and the "seven-months-ago" time is determined by your "Date & Time" on
the computer-clock settings in this game.  The examples can be best explained
in "3.3.: Script Miscellany" when I get a chance.  Anyway, back to the
conversation.]

Guybrush: I've seen correctional fluids with better color than you!

Palido: Yeah, babe...  I'm not the tannest cat around.  But...  ...as you can
see, I am working on it.

Guybrush: You look like you've lived under a rock your WHOLE life!

Palido: My complexion is a little on the light side, I'll give you that.  But
soon, I'll be a bronzed god!

Guybrush: You've got the SAVAGE pale!

Palido: Please... babe...  You say any more, I will become very self-conscious.

Guybrush: (points at him) Hey!  I can see my reflection in your chest!

Palido: Thank you for your keen insight, my friend.  Why don't you go do
something useful now...  ...like inhale a puffer-fish.  Okay, babe?

Guybrush: (persistent) You're so pale, you make snow look tan!

Palido: Be quiet now.

Guybrush: If I bleached chalk it wouldn't be as pale as you!

Palido: (envious) All right!  ALL RIGHT!  YES!  I'm very pale!  Thank YOU!
There!  You've hurt me deeply and you KNOW I mean it!  Are you happy?  Huh?
Babe?  Are you happy?  Are you happy NOW?

Guybrush: (smiles a bit, then...) Yes.

Palido: I hate you.  Get me a drink.

Guybrush: (after a bit of pause) Would you like to join my crew?

Palido: Oh no, babe.  I'm not a sailor.  I make my living off the hard work and
talent of others.

Guybrush: You're a project leader on a computer game?

Palido: No, no.  I'm a high-powered talent agent.  Major stars.  We're talkin'
MAJOR stars here.

Guybrush: Are you sure you won't join my crew?

Palido: Don't talk to me about work, babe.  I'm tanning.

Guybrush: I'm looking for Blood Island.  Do you know where it is?

Palido: Nope.  Never heard of it.

Guybrush: Are you sure you don't know how to get to Blood Island?

Palido: I told you before, babe...  ...I've never heard of Blood Island.

Guybrush: That's funny.  Slappy Cromwell...  ...told me you booked all his
shows there.

Palido: (surprised) Cromwell!  I should have known.  If I booked that guy in a
dinghy there'd be empty seats.

Guybrush: So you do know how to get to Blood Island!

Palido: Yeah, yeah!  They had a really nice room there, too.  "The Goodsoup
Plantation Resort Hotel and Casino."  It was THE place to go before they moved
the shipping lanes.  I used to book so many gigs there I had the map tattooed
on my back.

Guybrush: On your back?

Palido: All those little yellow sticky notes just kept getting lost.

Guybrush: Oh.  Why did you lie and say you didn't know how to get to Blood
Island?

Palido: I... I just don't want to say.

Guybrush: What?

Palido: It's your face, babe.  There!  I said it, babe.  I hope you can forgive
me.  I just gotta be honest.  I just didn't think you were the right type for
Blood Island.  That's not some place I picture your career going right now.
Let me get you a booking somewhere that's in your league.  I can gig you at
this little shoe factory in Hoboken.

Guybrush: (strict) It's Blood Island or nothing.

Palido: If that's the way it's gotta be, babe, then that's the way it's gotta
be.  But you're gonna have to find new representation.  O.K.?

Guybrush: Can I see your map to Blood Island?

Palido: You can see it when I roll over to tan my back.

Guybrush: When will that be?

Palido: It could be a long time, babe.  A very...  ...VERY...  ...long time.

Guybrush: See ya around.

Palido lies on his back again, and Guybrush goes around and picks up the mug
from him, then opens the gate near him, exiting Brimstone Beach and returning
to Puerto Pollo, where he sees a small pirate at the lemonade stand and decides
to talk to him.

Guybrush: Hello there, sonny.  Are you open yet?

Small Pirate: Oh boy, oh boy!  My first customer!  Gee willikers, is this gonna
be swell!  Hi!  My name is Kenny.  Kenny Falmouth.  It sure would be neat if
you would buy some of my lemonade!  It only costs a nickel!  And best of all, I
have a bottomless mug policy!

Guybrush: That does sound like a good deal. *(after a brief pause)* Is the
lemonade good?

Kenny: Oh, gosh yes!  It's a very healthful drink!  Even better for you than
placing leeches on your tongue.

Guybrush: Wow! *(after a pause again)* What's the lemonade good for?

Kenny: It's a dandy tonic for scurvy.  It'll cure all your symptoms, including,
but not limited to:  ...gradual weakening, aching muscles, sunken eyes, painful
gums, ashen skin, loss of teeth...  ...internal bleeding, the reopening of old
wounds, diarrhea, kidney failure, fainting, halitosis and death.

Guybrush: Will it cure evil pirate curses?

Kenny: No, but it has a refreshing citrus flavor with no unpleasant aftertaste.

Guybrush: (after some pondering) I'd like to buy some lemonade.

Kenny: Sure.  We have a bottomless mug policy, you know.  That'll be a nickel.

Guybrush places the nickel on the counter, and Kenny pours the pitcher of
lemonade through the bottomless mug into the hole in the counter.  Guybrush
then picks up the mug and tries drinking it, but finds that the mug has a hole
in it.  He places it back on the counter, appalled.

Guybrush: Hey!  There's no bottom to this mug!  Give me my money back!

Kenny: I'm sorry.  I did tell you about our bottomless mug policy.  And there
are NO refunds.

Guybrush: (in anger) Why, you little...

Kenny: Thank you!  Come again!

Guybrush is still persistent and talks with him again.

Guybrush: I want my money back!

Kenny: Why?  Was the lemonade bad?

Guybrush: I don't know, I didn't drink any.

Kenny: Well, if you're not dissatisfied with our product I can't justify giving
you a refund.  I'm sorry, but it's company policy.

Guybrush: But...

Kenny: ThankYouHaveaNiceDayGoodbye.

[Try to push Kenny]

Guybrush: I'm bigger than him.  I'm no bully.

Thinking up a way to make Kenny pay for the prank pulled on him, Guybrush gets
an idea and distracts him with...

Guybrush: Look!  A three-headed monkey!

Kenny: (astonished) Oh boy, oh boy! *(turns around behind him)* Gee willikers,
is this gonna be swell!

While Kenny looks around, Guybrush swipes the bottomless mug for a real mug
before heading back to his position.

Kenny: Hey! *(turns back)* Just because you're a grownup...  ...doesn't mean
that you can waste my time.

Guybrush returns to talk to him once again.

Guybrush: Are you going to give me my money back?

Kenny: You know, I'd really like to, but...  ...what is it they always say?
Ah, yes.  The customer is always a slave to the pitiless multinational
corporations whose products they live to consume.  So...  No.  Can I get you
anything else?

Guybrush: Give me some more lemonade, you little chiseler.

Kenny: That'll be a nickel.

Guybrush places another nickel on the counter again, and this time Kenny pours
the lemonade into the real mug before Guybrush takes it and drinks the lemonade
down with a few gulps before putting the mug down and wiping his mouth with his
sleeve.

Guybrush: Ahhhh.  That was as refreshing as morning dew!

Kenny: (astonished) Hey!  How did you drink all the lemonade?  You switched
mugs on me, you cheat!  I hope you're happy.  You've put a budding young
entrepreneur out of business!

He turns and walks back inside his house, and Guybrush turns toward the camera
with a smile.  Afterwards, he picks up the empty pitcher and examines the dye
vat near the stand.

Guybrush: It's a great big vat full of red dye.  Number two.

He then takes the pitcher and scoops up the red dye with it.

Guybrush: It's full of dye now.

He exits Puerto Pollo and tries to go to Brimstone Beach through the Cabaña,
but...

Guybrush: I'd rather go around to the gate than go through that towel business
again.

He automatically goes to the beach through the gate, where he goes around
Palido again, then places the bottomless mug on Palido's stomach.

Guybrush: I've brought you a new mug.

Palido: (gets up and sees the mug) Thanks.

He lies down on his back again, then Guybrush goes to him with a pitcher with
red dye in his hand.

Guybrush: Here's your drink, sir.

He takes out the pitcher of red dye and pours it into the bottomless mug,
dyeing Palido's stomach pink.  He then speaks with Palido again.

Guybrush: Look, Palido!  You're burning!

Palido gets up and looks at him again in astonishment.

Palido: Aaaah!  All those months in the sun and my tan is just going to peel
away!  I'd better turn over.

Guybrush: Good idea.

Palido turns around and lies on his stomach, revealing the map of Blood Island
on his back.

[Examine the map on Palido's back]

Guybrush: I'll never memorize that map.  It's far too complex.

Guybrush next takes out the cooking oil and pours it on Palido's back, making
it sizzle and burn up and turn red.

[Examine the map on Palido's crisp back]

Guybrush: Because of his sunburn, the map on Palido's back is peeling off.

Guybrush now goes around Palido and pulls the map off of his skin.

Guybrush: (grossed out) I really wish I didn't have to do that.

[Examine the Blood Island map]

Guybrush: It's the map to Blood Island, peeled off Palido's back.

As Guybrush exits Brimstone Beach, another cutscene occurs at the ship in the
dark clouds on a stormy ocean.

                 Meanwhile, off the coast of Plunder Island...

Fat Pirate: (off-camera) Nice boots, huh?

Thin Pirate: (off-camera) ...Sorry.

Fat Pirate: (off-camera) Hey!  What d'ya know?  I really AM big-boned!

Scene cuts to the two pirates, now skeletal minions of LeChuck, as they look at
each other in awe before the thin pirate notices something.

Thin Pirate: Uh-oh, quiet! *(goes into a soldier pose)* Here comes Captain
LeChuck.

Both pirates go into soldier pose as a flame pillar swirls around the mast
before going to the crow's nest, and what looks like a part of a skeleton in
the flames rematerializes before the flames clear out, revealing LeChuck, now
resurrected as a flaming demon, as he looks down at the pirates.

LeChuck: (barks out) Avast thar, ye lubbers!  Set sail for my stronghold on
Monkey Island.  I'll unleash my entire army of the undead.  This time, Elaine
will be mine!

While LeChuck begins speaking, scene cuts to the pirates, looking rather
frightened before the scene cuts back to LeChuck, whose smile lights up his
face as he continues.

LeChuck: Ah, Elaine!  'Twill be a sweet day in hell when ya feel the fiery
breath of my kiss on yer lips, and become my undead bride.  And I'll destroy
any man who dares get in my way!!

While LeChuck is still speaking, scene cuts to the frightened pirates who look
on in awe before looking at each other, with the thin pirate gulping in fear
before the scene cuts once more to LeChuck on the crow's nest.

LeChuck: Sufferin' Sailors, 'tis good to be dead!  Ha, Ha, Ha!

He raises his arms and laughs in triumph as the scene cuts to black before
cutting back to the map of Plunder Island, where Guybrush heads back to Danjer
Cove.  There, he goes to the rowboat and dabs the rubber plug with paste.

Guybrush: The plug is all pasty now.

He then places the sticky rubber plug into the gaping hole in the rowboat,
making it all fixed now.

Guybrush: Perfect!

He goes onto the rowboat and sails on toward the pirate ship.

[Try to pick up the plank]

Guybrush: I'll never be able to pick that up.

He climbs onto the ship and goes to the captain's quarters, where he hears a
voice singing off-camera.

??????: (sings) Fifteen men on a dead man's... huh?

The door opens and in jumps a demented pirate raising his sword.

??????: Who are you?

Guybrush: I'm Guybrush Threepwood, and I want my girlfriend!

??????: Well, we'll just see how your threats sit with my captain.

Guybrush: Your captain?

??????: (points his sword at Guybrush) Yes, Threepwood.  You've come aboard The
Sea Cucumber.  I am Mr. Fossey, heh, the First Mate.  And my captain? *(points
his sword again)* Why, he's the scourge of the Seven Seas!  The dread pirate
LeCh...

He gets interrupted as he hears a voice in his head before continuing.

Fossey: (speaking to no one in particular) Yes, Captain.  It's on the table,
sir.

Guybrush: (surprised) LeCh...!

Fossey: (interrupts) That's right!  Captain LeCh...

He gets interrupted as he hears a voice in his head again.

Fossey: (speaking to no one in particular again) Yes, Cap'n?  Just an intruder,
sir.  But I'm dealing with him.

He puts his finger to his ear again before continuing again.

Fossey: He says you're to be tortured.  Choose your punishment...  ...You can
either be tarred and feathered...  ...Or you can walk the plank.

Guybrush: Couldn't you just let me off with a stern warning?

Fossey: No, sorry.  Well, I suppose we'll have to go with walking the plank.
We're trying to avoid using the tar and feathers.  It's messy, and we need to
save the tar for emergency leak repair.

Suddenly a band of vicious monkey pirates surrounds Guybrush.

Fossey: What do you say, men!  Shall we make him walk the plank?

The monkeys oblige at Fossey's command and Guybrush has no choice but to walk
the plank.

Fossey: Any last words, Threepwood?

Guybrush thinks of something to say, then...

Guybrush: I regret that I have but one life to give for love!

Or:

Guybrush: I'll be back to kill you all!

Fossey: All right.  In you go.

Guybrush slowly goes to the edge of the plank, then looks around before the
monkey's sword clash makes him jump off and back onto the rowboat with a thump
from off-screen.

Fossey: (confused) That's odd.  There was no splash.

Guybrush: (shouts off-camera) SPLASH!

Fossey: Ah.

Once back on the rowboat, Guybrush gets up, takes out the serrated bread knife,
and saws off the plank, making it fall onto the water with a splash.  He then
puts the knife away before climbing back up The Sea Cucumber again.

[Examine the bucket-o-tar]

Guybrush: It's a big old sloppy bucket o' tar.

[Examine the quarters door]

Guybrush: Hmmm.

As he tries opening the quarters door, monkey grunts are heard before Fossey's
voice sounds from inside again.

Fossey: (off-camera) Who's there?

Guybrush moves away from the door as Fossey arrives and raises his sword again.
Moments later monkey pirates surround Guybrush again.

Fossey: (irritated) AGAIN with the sneaking on board the ship!  I don't know
how or why you came back on board...  ...but the next time you walk the plank
will be your last! *(to no one in particular)* What's that, cap'n?

Fossey puts his finger to his ear again before...

Fossey: Vandals?!? *(puts his finger to his ear again)* Yes, sir, tar and
feathers.  I know it's messy, but it's the only torture we have left! *(to
Guybrush)* Our illustrious captain has declared that you shall be tarred and
feathered!

One dangling monkey pirate grabs Guybrush by the head and pulls him upward
seconds before dangling him by the ponytail and dipping him in tar, then pulls
him up again and drops him onto the floor.  Another monkey takes out a pillow
and rips it on Guybrush, now all covered with feathers.

Fossey: That'll learn ye!

With a wave of Fossey's sword, the monkeys cheer in amazement for a few
seconds.

Guybrush: So what do I do now?

Fossey: Uh, hmm, I don't know.  We've never done this before.  Aren't you
humiliated?

Guybrush: I guess so.  But no more than usual.

Fossey: Well... just get lost, then.

After a few seconds, Guybrush walks the sawed-off plank.  Minutes later he is
back on the shore of Danjer Cove and returns to Puerto Pollo, thinking of plans
about what the Devil Chicken would say in English or Spanish.  First, he goes
to Brimstone Beach to try to talk to Palido Domingo, but...

Guybrush: He's asleep.

Next he goes to the Voodoo 'n' Things to talk to Murray.

Murray: El Pollo Diablo!  At last, one of my demonic brethren come to set me
free!

Guybrush (turns to the camera in humiliation) Oh, brother...

Murray: Come, release me so that I might run free alongside you as we terrorize
the mortals of this island!

Guybrush: I'm out of here. *(starts leaving)*

Murray: Wait!  Don't leave!

Guybrush is all, "Too late, Murray!" as he exits the swamp.

[If you return to the swamp again]

Murray: (surprised) El Pollo Diablo!  You have returned for me!

Guybrush: (turns around) Oops!

Murray: At last we can begin our reign of demonic terror...

While he speaks, Guybrush leaves the swamp again.

Murray: Wait!

Guybrush returns to The Barbery Coast at Puerto Pollo, where he pauses for a
few seconds before...

Haggis: (in awe) It's El Pollo Diablo!

Van Helgen: (surprised) The Demon Chicken!

Haggis: We don't serve yer kind here!

Bill: (turns around) Beat it!

Van Helgen: Get me the scissors!

Haggis: (shouts) Eviscerate him!

Bill: He'll regret ever settin' claws in this place!

As Guybrush turns around in fright...

Van Helgen: I want the neck!

[Reenter The Barbery Coast]

Haggis: (in fright) It's El Pollo Diablo!  Eviscerate him!

Guybrush exits The Barbery Coast and goes to the Long John Silver Center for
the Performing Arts through the back door, where...

Slappy: (off-camera, in fright) IT'S EL POLLO DIABLO!  KILL HIM!

Guybrush: Uh-Oh!

He exits the back door and finally goes back to the Chicken Shoppe, where he
examines the walk-thru speaker again, who shouts in gibberish fright.

Walk-Thru Speaker: IVZ ERR VORVO VIAZRO!!!  RIRR VIM!!!

He enters the Chicken Shoppe, where Captain Blondebeard comes to him, and there
is now a big skull-and-crossbones pot in front of Guybrush.

Blondebeard: Do ya have a reserva...

Blondebeard suddenly jumps up in fright and recognition at the sight of
Guybrush and starts shouting in Spanish.

Blondebeard: ¡Madre de Dios!  ¡Es El Pollo Diablo! ("Mother of God!  It's The
Devil Chicken!")

Some Spanish guitar music plays on cue in a fanfare, and Guybrush ponders on
what to say, before...

Guybrush: ¿Qué?

Blondebeard: It's El Pollo Diablo, the giant demon chicken of Puerto Pollo!
You weren't content just to release all my chickens and scare all my customers
away, were you?

Guybrush: (in a mighty voice) Uh, that's right.

Blondebeard: Well, you're not taking me without a fight!

Or:

If Guybrush decides to play along and act like a Spanish Devil Chicken...

Guybrush: ¡Sí!  ¡He dejado en libertad los prisioneros y ahora vengo por ti!
("Yes!  I have released the prisoners and now I've come for you!") [NOTE: The
third topic is an English version of the fourth topic (i.e., the Spanish one),
except that the English one says "I have released YOUR prisoners", while the
Spanish one says "He dejado en libertad LOS prisioneros", when "los" in Spanish
actually means "the", not "your", and the Spanish word "a" ("to") is missing.
Since the Spanish word for "your" is "tus", shouldn't the Spanish sentence be,
"He dejado en libertad A TUS prisioneros y ahora vengo por ti"?  :S  Anyway...]

Blondebeard: (understanding Guybrush's Spanish) Well, you're not taking me
without a fight!

He branishes a frying pan and whacks Guybrush on the head, making him fall into
the big pot.  Scene cuts to the quarters dining room of The Sea Cucumber, where
Guybrush emerges from the pot, fully cleared of the tar and feathers, in front
of Fossey and a gorilla seated at table.

Guybrush: Bluch!  This chicken grease washed off all the feathers.  Whoops.
I'd better keep quiet.

Fossey: Absolutely, Captain.  I'll get right on it after I have my dinner.
What's that, Captain? *(pauses a bit)* I eat TOO much fried chicken?  Well,
I... I've just got a weakness for chicken, that's all. *(as the gorilla looks
away)* I know you don't have any weaknesses, Captain LeChimp.

LeChimp looks back at Fossey.

Fossey: You're an over-achiever, a... a doer!  I'm just a tiny little fly.

Guybrush: (in quiet amazement) LeChimp?  The captain is an ape?  Well, if the
captain is an ape...  ...then Mr. Fossey must be...

Fossey: Aye aye, Captain!  Fresh bananas for the WHOLE CREW! *(salutes)*

Guybrush: (finishes his sentence) ...an utter loon.

Fossey: What's that, Captain?  Your parasites are bothering ya?

LeChimp scratches the back of his neck as Fossey continues.

Fossey: Well, of course I'll groom ya, sir.  You know, sir, finding this gold
statue may be just the boost our crew needs!  Why, with the riches we get from
this, we can get new and better ships and become the terror of the Caribbean!

[Try to pick up the pitcher]

Guybrush: Ahh!  I HATE porcelain!  It's a long story.  I'll explain later.

Getting an idea, Guybrush takes out the ventriloquism book and looks at it
before trying it on Mr. Fossey.

Guybrush: Uh, testing... testing... uh, check... one... two... uh, three...

Fossey: Uh oh.  I'm hearing the voices again.

Guybrush puts away the book before using it on Captain LeChimp.

Guybrush: Ahem. *(in ventriloquy)* Mr. Fossey, I've been thinking...

Fossey: Are you alright, Captain?  You sound different.

Guybrush: (in ventriloquy as LeChimp) Don't interrupt!

Fossey: Sorry, sir! *(salutes again)*

Guybrush: (in ventriloquy as LeChimp) Maybe it's time we gave up pirating.  I
mean, take a look around, at me, at the rest of the crew...  ...We're all
monkeys.

Fossey: (after a pause) You mean in the Darwinian sense, sir?

Guybrush: (in ventriloquy as LeChimp) No, I mean in the quite literal sense.
Have you noticed that the crew is happier swinging from the masts than swabbing
the decks?  I don't even want to MENTION what they've been flinging around the
ship...

Fossey: Are you suggesting that I'm not disciplining the crew enough?

Guybrush: (in ventriloquy as LeChimp) No, no, I'm suggesting that we all give
up this charade and go back to the trees.  That's the life for a monkey, not
sailing the seas for months on end!

Fossey: Well, if you feel so strongly about it, sir, I suppose I can't argue.

Guybrush: (in ventriloquy as LeChimp) I think our last order of business should
be to dig up that statue, and...

Fossey: (interrupts) It'll be tough on the men, sir, but I'll tell them that
you think it best. *(salutes again)*

Guybrush: (in ventriloquy as LeChimp) Okay, but first, we should dig up that
statue and give it to...

Fossey: (interrupts again) I'll make sure they understand that it's not their
fault... *(salutes again)*

Guybrush: (in ventriloquy as LeChimp, impatient) Very good, and then we can dig
up that statue and...

Fossey gets up and walks away before Guybrush can finish.

Guybrush: (in ventriloquy as LeChimp) Okay, never mind then.

He puts away the book, then jumps out of the pot and looks at a treasure map in
a porcelain vase at the dinner table.

Guybrush: That must be the map to where they've buried Elaine!

He takes the map and reads it as it says, "With all eyes open, follow the path
to the X.  SouthEast, NorthWest, West, South, East, Two paces NorthEast, East,
SouthWest.  X Marks the Spot!"

[Try to talk to LeChimp]

Guybrush: I think Mr. Fossey is the only guy who can talk to him.

[Try to eat the corn-on-the-cob]

Guybrush: I don't want to get the kernels stuck in my teeth.

[Try exiting the dining room through the door and walking the plank]

Guybrush: Whoops!  There's no rowboat!

Guybrush opens the ship's porthole, then jumps through it onto the plank on the
water, where he tries balancing and has to kneel down on it.  In fright, he
sees the sharks coming toward him and uses his arms to quickly paddle away from
the ship and back to safety on the shore of Danjer Cove.  He leaves the cove
and returns to the back stage of the theater on Puerto Pollo, then goes onstage
to find that the monkeys are now seated and clapping in front of him, Slappy
Cromwell and Stu Boyle.

Boyle: *BELCH!*

Slappy: Pee-eew, Brute [pronounced "broo-tay"]!  Then fall, Caesar!  Thank you,
thank you!

Guybrush: (grossed out) Oh, I just can't watch.

He goes back to the back stage, then goes up the stairs into the room with all
the stage lights.

Guybrush (off-camera): It smells like something's burning...  Hmph... must be
this shoddy seventeenth-century electrical wiring.  Wait a second... somebody's
been monkeying around with these controls!

Memorizing the treasure map, he presses the light buttons carefully in the
correct order, switching almost all the lights in their positions, some of them
off, some of them on, and some of them revealing Max from "Sam & Max" (LOL),
until, eventually, all the lights form an "X" on the mound of dirt near the
grave misspelled "Yorik".

Guybrush: (off-camera) That's it!  That must be where Elaine is buried!

Scene fades back to the back stage, where Guybrush goes back downstairs before
the scene cuts to the main theater with the curtains closed.

Slappy: (off-camera) And now!  The moment I know you've all been waiting for!
How about some amazing...  ...Juggling!

On the word "Juggling!", the curtain opens up to reveal Slappy juggling with
knives near Boyle.  Guybrush goes to the main theater and sees Slappy's
performance there.

Slappy: Is this a dagger I see before me?  No, it's three! *(monkeys clap as he
continues)* See how I juggle these knives...  ...at great personal risk to
myself...  ...and to you if I slip!

Scene cuts back to the back stage room.

Guybrush: He's a great juggler, but I sure wish he'd get off the stage so I can
dig Elaine up.

Guybrush goes to the main theater again and sees that Slappy is now juggling
with skulls, with one of them being Murray.

Slappy: Alas, poor Yorick!  I knew him...  And his two pals!

Murray: Wheeeeee!

Scene cuts back to the back stage with Guybrush impatient at seeing Murray.

Guybrush: Drop it!  Drop it!

Guybrush sees a lot of cannonballs in the trunk behind him, so he goes to them
and pours the chicken grease on them, then looks around.

Guybrush: Uh-oh!  It looks like he's coming for the cannon balls now!

Scene fades to black before fading back to the main theater a few minutes
later, with Slappy juggling cannonballs.

Slappy: And now... the ultimate Shakespearean delight!  The famous "Cannonball
Juggling" scene from "Romeo and Juliet."

The cannonballs are starting to get slippery to his touch.

Slappy: Whoah!

One of them falls onto the loose plank on the floor followed by the remaining
two cannonballs.

Slappy: (surprised) WHOOPS! *(he is sent flying away along with Boyle)*
Eeeeeaaaaaaah!

The monkeys are cheering at this astonishing act and grunt and laugh in
happiness.  Scene cuts to the back stage.

Guybrush: I'm glad it had a happy ending and he got the... um... got the girl
in the end.

He goes to the stage in the theater, which is now empty save for a lone monkey,
which seems to be clapping, as if it were expecting an encore.  He goes to the
shovel on the grave, picks it up, and shovels up the mound.  Scene fades to
black before fading back to the statue of Elaine, which is now on the crow's
nest of The Sea Cucumber.

Guybrush: (off-camera) Elaine should be safe up in the crow's nest...  ...for
now.

[NOTE: If finding the ship and Elaine is either your first or second task,
scene will cut to The Sea Cucumber, as Guybrush will go into the quarters and,
after the first or second cutscene, find that Captain LeChimp will be gone;
then he will go back through the porthole to the rowboat, which he had sailed
near The Sea Cucumber, and row back to Danjer Cove to accomplish a few more
tasks.  Also, if you examine the torn contract below the clock tower:

Guybrush: It's a torn-up contract with something scrawled on it.  It says...
"To my agent, Palido Domingo: Palido, this is the worst booking you've given me
since that fire-walking fiasco on Blood Island.  I quit!  Sincerely, Slappy
Cromwell."

But let's get back to the final task of getting a ship, shall we?]

The statue sparkles as the scene cuts to an aerial view of Plunder Island once
more, as The Sea Cucumber, crew and all, sails away from the island.

[END OF DISC 1.]


* 3.2. DISC 2 GAME SCRIPT *

********************
*3.2a. Intermission*
********************

It's a beautiful day as Guybrush is now on The Sea Cucumber, with Van Helgen,
Bill, and Haggis getting an ocean view.

Guybrush: Well, I've got a crew, a map, a ship, and finally got Elaine back...
...So what say we head on to Blood Island!  To lift the curse and save Elaine!

He turns to the crew.

Guybrush: How about it, guys?  Let's get moving towards Blood Island!  Let's
head on out and find our fortune!  Guys?

He gets no response from them and turns towards the camera.

Guybrush: This might be more difficult than I first imagined.

******************************************
*3.2b. Part III: Three Sheets to the Wind*
******************************************

A few minutes later at The Sea Cucumber...

Haggis: Arrgh!  The sea.

Bill: Aye, the sea.

Van Helgen: Makes you glad to be alive!

Guybrush: (suddenly looks around) I think that ship is following us.

Scene cuts to an aerial view of another ship coming near The Sea Cucumber.

Bill: (off-camera) Feel that salty spray!

Haggis: (off-camera) The sunlight sparkling off the bay!

Van Helgen: (off-camera) What a glorious, sea-faring day!

Guybrush: (off-camera, in a surprised tone) It's a pirate ship!  We've got to
outrun her!

Scene cuts back to The Sea Cucumber again.

Guybrush: (in command) All right, men!  Are you with me!

Bill: Hey!  Look, guys!  A whale!

Haggis: Where?

Van Helgen: Where?

Scene cuts to an aerial view of the two ships now close to each other.

Guybrush: (off-camera) That ship is gaining on us.  Cutthroat Bill!  Rig the
topsail!

Van Helgen: (off-camera) Is that a Right whale?

Haggis: (off-camera) No no, lad.

Guybrush: (off-camera, panicked) They're boarding us!  Crew!  Help me out here!

Bill: (off-camera, ignorant) It is a member of the cetus suborder Mysticeti,
though. [NOTE: Shouldn't that be the "cetacean suborder" instead of "cetus
suborder", though?]

Van Helgen: (off-camera) I think you're right.

Moments later, Captain Rottingham is crossing swords with Guybrush on The Sea
Cucumber.

Rottingham: Well, well...

Guybrush: Rottingham!  So it's you!  What do you want, other than a good
toupee?

Rottingham: I've come for your map to the fabled Blood Island.  Then I'll find
the diamond you mentioned.  It will make a fine paperweight for my escritoire.

Van Helgen: (still ignorant, points at the sea) Ooooh!  Look!  It's breeching!

Bill: (amazed) Oooooh! *(a breeching splash is heard)*

Haggis: Ah!

Guybrush: (defiant) Look, baldy, I'll never give you that map!  I need it to
save Elaine!

Rottingham: Then I'll have to take it from you by force!

Van Helgen: That whale must be thirty point five meters (one hundred feet)...
...and weigh [sic] two-hundred metric tons.

Rottingham: (continues) You know, of course...  ...in a swordfight, a sharp wit
is much more important than a sharp blade.

Guybrush: (nods) Of course!  Everybody knows that, chrome dome!  Let's get this
over with.

Rottingham: (starts up an insult) Every enemy I've met I've annihilated!

Guybrush: Oh, yeah!  Well...  You fight like a cow!

Rottingham: No, no, no, no.  That's not right at all.

Guybrush: (confused) What?

Rottingham: On the sea we fight it a little differently.  On the sea, all your
insults and threats have to...  ...RHYME.

Guybrush: (surprised) What!?

Rottingham: So when I say, "Every enemy I've met I've annihilated!"...  ...you
say...

Guybrush: (tries thinking up something) I once found some gold but it was just
electro-plated.

Rottingham: (embarrassed) No!  You say, "With your breath, I'm sure they all
suffocated."  Let's try that again, shall we? *(hurls up another insult)*
You're as repulsive as a monkey in a negligee.

Guybrush: (tries thinking up something again) Uhhh.

Rottingham: I'm waiting!

Guybrush: I... uh, I...

A brief swashbuckling, and Rottingham knocks off Guybrush's sword, pointing his
own at Guybrush, who raises his arms in surrender.

Rottingham: (disappointed) Just as I thought.  You're an amateur with a sword.
Give me that map!

Guybrush: (sighs in defeat) Uh... here!  Take it!

He places the map-skin on Rottingham's sword, and Rottingham looks at it in a
grossed-out position before looking back at him.

Rottingham: That's your map?  Eeeeew!  As soon as I'm through pirating these
waters, it's off to Blood Island!  Until we meet again, M. [Monsieur]
Tweephood.

Scene cuts to an aerial view of Rottingham and his ship leaving The Sea
Cucumber with the map.

[NOTE: The next scene that follows and what happens next are excluded from the
internationally-dubbed (i.e., other language) versions, mainly because English
is primarily a language that has something to do with the fast-singing and the
rhyming that could be too complicated for foreigners who play this game
worldwide and for the foreign-language game programmers who couldn't translate
the following song into a language other than English for audio.  Thank
goodness we all live in the good old U.S. of A., so let's continue, shall we?]

Scene cuts back to the deck of The Sea Cucumber, with Guybrush and his crew
gathered together in disappointment.

Guybrush: I've got to get that map back or we'll never find Blood Island.
*(sarcastic)* Thanks, guys.  You were a world of help back there.

Bill: It was a rousing battle, Cap'n!

Haggis: Aye, and it reminds me of a song...

As if on cue, the crew starts dancing along as the song, "A Pirate I Was Meant
to Be", begins. [NOTE: The "Chorus" that I'm labelling refers to Haggis, Bill
and Van Helgen, because in the game's subtitles Van Helgen's lyric says "A
pirate I was meant to be!" while Bill and Haggis' duplicate lyrics each say
"Trim the sails and roam the sea!" but I'm only going by the audio's correction
of the lyrical errors in subtitle form that I'm writing to make it easier to
read here, so without further ado, let's begin, shall we?]

    Haggis: We're a band of vicious pirates!
Van Helgen: A-sailin' out to sea.
      Bill: When you hear our gentle singing...
    Haggis: You'll be sure to turn and flee!

Guybrush becomes embarrassed at this.

  Guybrush: Oh, this is just ridiculous.

He puts his hands on his hips trying to think of something to stop their
singing, first by gentle persuasion.

  Guybrush: Come on, men!  We've got to recover that map!
      Bill: That pirate will be done for, when he falls into our trap!

            We're a club of tuneful rovers!
    Haggis: We can sing in every clef!
Van Helgen: We can even hit the high notes!
    Haggis: It's just too bad we're tone deaf!

    Chorus: A pirate I was meant to be!
            Trim the sails and roam the sea!

Guybrush gets a little unamused and thinks up another gentle persuasion.

  Guybrush: Let's go defeat that evil pirate!
Van Helgen: We know he's sure to lose, 'cause we know just where to fire at!

            We're thieving balladeers!
    Haggis: A gang of cutthroat mugs.
      Bill: To fight us off ye won't need guns!
Van Helgen: Just jolly good ear-plugs.

    Chorus: A pirate I was meant to be!
            Trim the sails and roam the sea!

Guybrush turns around at the camera during the chorus and gets bugged out,
wondering what to do.  Nevertheless, he keeps his cool and tries another gentle
persuasion.

  Guybrush: All right, crew, let's get to work!
    Haggis: Our vocation is the thing we love, a thing we'd never shirk.

            We will fight you in the harbor.
      Bill: We'll battle you on land.
Van Helgen: But when you meet singing pirates... *(all of a sudden Guybrush
            joins in to finish the sentence)*
  Guybrush: They'll be more than you can stand.

Bill becomes amazed at this.

      Bill: Ooooh!  That was a good one!
  Guybrush: No, it wasn't.

Guybrush turns around and is getting a bit annoyed, wondering how all this
singing could go on.  He tries one more gentle persuasion, nevertheless.

  Guybrush: No time for song!  We've got to move!
      Bill: The battle will be long, but our courage we will prove!

            We're a pack o' scurvy sea-dogs.
    Haggis: Have we pity?  Not a dram!
Van Helgen: We all eat roasted garlic...
    Haggis: ...then sing from the diaphragm!

    Chorus: A pirate I was meant to be!
            Trim the sails and roam the sea!

During the chorus Guybrush gets really annoyed and covers his ears.  With his
options of gentle persuasion run out, he tries a different method, this time
using a bit of annoyance to make them stop singing by persuasive force.

  Guybrush: Less singing, more sailing.
Van Helgen: When we defeat our wicked foe, his ship he will be bailing!

      Bill: If ye try to fight us...
    Haggis: ...you will get a nasty whackin'!
Van Helgen: If ya disrespect our singin'...
      Bill: ...we will feed ya to a kraken!

    Chorus: A pirate I was meant to be!
            Trim the sails and roam the sea!

Guybrush is getting freaked out at the song not stopping, but nevertheless, he
uses a bit of annoyance again to try to rebuke them into stopping their song.

  Guybrush: I'm getting so sick of you guys and your rhyming.
    Haggis: We're ready to set sail, though the cannons need a-priming.

Van Helgen: We're troublesome corsairs!
      Bill: And we've come to steal your treasures!
    Haggis: We would shoot you on the downbeat...
Van Helgen: ...but we've got to rest five measures.

    Chorus: A pirate I was meant to be!
            Trim the sails and roam the sea!

With his patience running thin, Guybrush makes one more move, though it won't
do him any good: he tries whining in annoyance into making them stop the
singing.

  Guybrush: Stop!  Stop!  Stop!
      Bill: The brass is what we'll polish and the deck is what we'll mop.

Knowing that it doesn't work, Guybrush joins in song to scold them for their
singing, shrugging his shoulders in annoyance as he sings.

  Guybrush: You say you're nasty pirates...
            ...scheming, thieving, bad bushwhackers?
            From what I've seen I tell you...
            ...you're not pirates!  You're just slackers!

    Chorus: A pirate I was meant to be!
            Trim the sails and roam the sea!

With his options completely run out, he thinks of what to do to make them stop
their song.  Finally, he gets an idea: to sing some lyric that doesn't rhyme.
Having no other choice, he goes for one more shot to make them stop once and
for all.  This time, he confuses them with a smile on his face.

  Guybrush: We'll surely avoid scurvy if we all eat an orange.
    Haggis: And...!
            ...um...
      Bill: Well...
Van Helgen: ...err...
      Bill: Door hinge?
Van Helgen: No, no...
      Bill: Guess the song's over, then.
    Haggis: Guess so.
Van Helgen: Okay, back to work.
  Guybrush: Well, gee.  I feel a little guilty, now.

[NOTE: This is the end of the part and the end of the song that is only in the
English-language version, as the song is now over.  So we continue on as normal
for any version, especially the U.S. one.]

Scene cuts to an aerial view of The Sea Cucumber a few minutes later.

Haggis: (off-camera) Captain?

Guybrush: (off-camera) Yes, Mr. McMutton?

Scene cuts back to the deck of the ship, this time with only Guybrush and
Haggis.

Haggis: We were wondering, we were...  ...just what kind o' captain you are.

Guybrush: What do you mean, Haggis?

Haggis: Well...  Some captains are men of action.  They like to have complete
responsibility and control for their ship.  Other captains prefer to
concentrate more on the thinking aspects of captaining.

While Haggis speaks, Van Helgen is shown swinging on the mast in the background
like Tarzan.

Haggis: (continues) The captain who's a man of action will undoubtedly have a
much more difficult time...  ...of defeating other scoundrels of the sea in the
fast-paced realm of ship-to-ship combat.  The more academic captain will find
the other pirate vessels he meets to be less aggressive...  ...and therefore
far easier and quicker to defeat in combat.

Guybrush: I see.

Haggis: So, Captain Threepwood...  ...which type of captain be ye?

Guybrush: I love a tough sea battle as much as the next captain!

Haggis: Challenging ship combat it is!

Or:

Guybrush: I think I'd rather let you guys help me out.

Haggis: Easy ship combat it is!

[Talk to Haggis again]

Guybrush: Uhhh... Haggis?

Haggis: Yes?

Guybrush: What am I doing here?

Haggis: Well, Captain Threepwood...  If ye e'er be hopin' ta defeat this
scallawag Rottingham ship ta ship...  ...we'll be needin' some bigger cannon.

While Haggis speaks, Van Helgen appears swinging in the background again.

Haggis: So, lad.  I say we tackle some of the wee pirates that prowl these
waters.  We'll seize their treasure and use it to buy new weaponry back at
Puerto Pollo.

Guybrush: Never mind.

Haggis: Aye!

[If you talked to Haggis in the Easy Ship Combat]

Guybrush: I think I'd like full tactical control, now.

Haggis: All right, laddy...  We'll give ya a chance.  Hard ship combat it is.
I just hope ya know what yer doin'...

Van Helgen: (swings from the rope) Whooo hooo hooo!

[Try to pick up the navigational chart]

Guybrush: No, I'm terrible at folding up maps.

Guybrush goes to the navigational chart and a map is shown on how many ships to
defeat in combat at the Golfo de Pollo.  Afterwards, The Sea Cucumber spots a
"really not fearsome" pirate ship head on and shoots it down, avoiding the
enemy ship's cannonball fire, until Guybrush and his crew get a message that
says, "The Pirates have been defeated!"  Scene then cuts to Guybrush in a
swordfight with a pirate onboard his ship. [NOTE: The "Pirate #1" that I'm
referring to applies to any one of the six pirates before Rottingham.]

Pirate #1: Boarding a pirate's ship can be hazardous to yer life!

Or:

Pirate #1: Ye'd better leave now if ye value yer life!

Or:

Pirate #1: Who are ya?

Or:

Pirate #1: A pox on ya, fer boardin' me ship!

Or:

Pirate #1: If yer lookin' fer a fight, ya found one!

Or:

Pirate #1: So yer a pirate, says ye!  Ye'll have to prove it, says I!

Or:

Pirate #1: How dare you attack my/me ship!

Or:

Pirate #1: Ye'd best sail away, before you get hurt!

Or:

Pirate #1: Get off me deck, ya sea-slug!

Guybrush: I'm Guybrush Threepwood!  A mighty pirate!

Pirate #1: Don't make me laugh!

Or:

Guybrush: Yer treasure or yer life!

Or:

Guybrush: I've come to plunder your treasure!

Pirate #1: Aaargh!

Or:

Pirate #1: No!  I'll take your booty!

Or:

Pirate #1: You won't live to regret this!

Or:

Pirate #1: Good luck, boy!

Or:

Pirate #1: I'll see you clapped in irons, first!

A swordfight begins with fewer insults that Guybrush has up his sleeve.  The
insults can be best explained in the "Insult and Reply List" in "3.3.: Script
Miscellany" when I get a chance.

[If you lose in a swordfight]

Pirate #1: Open yer hold, so I may take your treasure.

Or:

Pirate #1: I fancy ye have treasure!  Hand it over!

Or:

Pirate #1: Give me yer treasure, ya sea skunk!

Or:

Pirate #1: Give me your treasure!

Or:

Pirate #1: Ha!  I've beaten you!  I'll let you live if you give me your
treasure.

Guybrush: Treasure?  You wanted treasure?  I'm sorry, I'm fresh out.

Or:

Guybrush: If I had treasure, don't you think I'd spend it before grappling with
the likes of you?

Pirate #1: Aye, I suppose you would.  Never mind then.

Or:

Guybrush: I haven't got any treasure.  Why do you think I was attacking you?

Or:

Guybrush: Well, if I had any, you'd be the first one to get it.

Pirate #1: Arr...

Scene will then return to The Sea Cucumber.

[First time only]

Guybrush: I guess I need more practice with this swordfighting stuff.  At least
I showed 'em in the high-seas-combat part...

Anyway, with a slew of clever insults, and a few insults and responses he gains
with fewer losses, Guybrush manages to defeat the first pirate in the
swordfight.

Pirate #1: You Win!

Guybrush: Give me your treasure!  Ya bath sized sea-sponge!

Or:

Guybrush: Give me your treasure!

Or:

Guybrush: Give me your treasure! *(laughs)* Ya grubby bilge swigger!

Or:

Guybrush: Give me your treasure!  You filthy unwashed thing, you!

Or:

Guybrush: Give me your treasure!  Ya reeking, musty, stench-soaked freebooter!

Or:

Guybrush: Give me your treasure!  Ya wax-covered swab!

Pirate #1: I didn't want it anyway.  It's got that horrible curse.

Guybrush: (surprised) What!?

Pirate #1: Only kidding.

Or:

Pirate #1: Take it.  It was cluttering up the/me hold, anyway.

Or:

Pirate #1: I didn't want it anyway.

Or:

Pirate #1: The treasure is yours.

Scene cuts to The Sea Cucumber a few minutes later.

Guybrush: We're loaded with booty!

Guybrush looks at the navigational chart again and goes back to Puerto Pollo on
Plunder Island.  There, he sees Kenny Falmouth again, with only his store
slightly changed, with the word "Lemonade" crossed by an "X" in red dye.

Guybrush: Well, well, well.

He thinks up a moral to say to Kenny, then...

Guybrush: Winners never cheat, and cheaters never win.

Kenny: Boy, is that true.  You sure taught me a lesson.  Golly.  I'll never
cheat on anyone ever again!  Honest!  I've got a new business now and gosh,
it's swell!

Guybrush: What is it?

Kenny: I'm running guns!

Guybrush: (unamused) Tell me you're lying.

Kenny: I never lie any more, Mr.  You've shown me the light.  Can I interest
you in some shrapnelizing ammunition designed to bring exquisite pain and
unreasonable suffering to all your enemies?

Guybrush: I'm a Fearsome Pirate.

Kenny: Yeah, well, you may be a pirate...  ...but you aren't a Fearsome Pirate
unless...  ...your ship is equipped with the latest offensive weaponry...
...from Bob's Big Bore Boomer Brand Cannon, Inc.  However...  I see that you
are a pirate ready to take that first step...  ...towards becoming the ultimate
Fearsome Pirate.  Today, (customer name here)...  ...er... what's your name
again?

Or:

Guybrush: What do you have for sale today?

Kenny: Today, (customer name here)...  ...er... what's your name again?

Guybrush: Guybrush Threepwood.

Kenny: Today, Mr. Freep-Snood...  ...I can offer you the complete line from
Bob's Big Bore Boomer Brand Cannon, Inc.  To start with, we have the entry
level model, the "Buccaneer's Buddy."  We also have the following cannon models
available: ...the "Ouch-Master"...  ...the "Holemaker Deluxe"...  ...the
"Paingiver 2000"...  ..."Mr. Massacre"...  ...and finally, the cannon used by
that most fearsome scoundrel René Rottingham himself...  ...the Destructomatic
T-47!  So, can I interest you in any of these models, Mister?

Guybrush: I'll take the "Buccaneer's Buddy!"

Kenny: The "Buccaneer's Buddy" it is!  Let me just check my stock... *(checks
around a bit)* Yep, we got 'em!  You will not be disappointed, my friend!  Now,
will that be doubloons, jewels, captured maidens?

Guybrush: My ship's hold is full of booty!

Kenny: Well, the amount in your treasure hold is not enough for this model...

Guybrush: Would you take my old cannons as a trade in?

Kenny: Well, I don't know...  ...they are pretty banged up...  Hang on while I
check the blue book on 'em...

Kenny takes the book from the counter, turns the pages and looks a bit, then
puts it away.

Kenny: Okay.  I'll have my mom install your new cannon pronto!  While she's at
it I'll also have her pick up the appropriate amount from your hold...  ...and
pick up your trade in. *(shouts out)* MOM!!!

He walks inside, and Guybrush goes back to The Sea Cucumber.  Minutes later he
is back on deck with the "Buccaneer's Buddy" cannons, and he uses the
navigational chart again to look around the sea until The Sea Cucumber spots
the "semi-fearsome" pirate ship.

[If you get a message that says "The Sea Cucumber has been defeated!"...]

Scene returns to The Sea Cucumber.

Guybrush: We lost a sea battle!  How humiliating for a pirate of my skill and
expeience.

He goes to the navigational chart to try again.

[If you lose another sea battle]

Scene returns to The Sea Cucumber.

Guybrush: We lost again!  What am I doing wrong?

He goes to the navigational chart to try again.

[If you attack a tourist ship and get a message that says, "The Tourists have
been defeated!"...]

Scene returns to The Sea Cucumber.

Guybrush: I really shouldn't pick on those poor, defenseless tourists.  It's
not good for business on the island.  They do make for good cannon fodder,
though.

With elusive skill and cunning, and a few shots, Guybrush and his crew defeat
the pirate ship, and he goes inside it for another swordfight, which begins
with Guybrush starting up with more insults and earning a few new retorts,
until he successfully defeats the second pirate, then returns to The Sea
Cucumber with the new booty and speaks with Kenny at Puerto Pollo again.

Kenny: Back again, Mister?

Guybrush: I'd like to buy some cannons for my pirate ship. *(after some
browsing around)* I'll take the "Ouch-Master!"

Kenny: The "Ouch-Master" it is!  *(shouts out again)* MOM!!!

He walks back inside, and Guybrush returns to The Sea Cucumber with the cannons
upgraded.  Using the navigational chart again, he and his crew sail on until
they spot the "mildly fearsome" pirate ship, and with elusive skill and a few
shots, they defeat the pirate ship, with Guybrush going inside it for another
swordfight, which begins again.  Guybrush starts up with more insults and earns
a few new retorts, again, until he successfully defeats the third pirate, then
returns to The Sea Cucumber to speak with Kenny at Puerto Pollo again.  This
time...

Guybrush: I'll take the "Holemaker Deluxe!"

Kenny: One "Holemaker Deluxe" coming right up! *(shouts again)* MOM!!!

He walks back inside, and Guybrush returns to The Sea Cucumber again.  This
time, he and his crew spot the "pretty fearsome" pirate ship using the
navigational chart again, and downs it in a few shots while avoiding the shots
from it.  Once The Sea Cucumber has achieved victory, Guybrush goes into the
ship for yet another swordfight.  He starts up with the same old insults and
gains a few new ones, until he defeats the fourth pirate and returns to The Sea
Cucumber with new booty for a cannon upgrade at Puerto Pollo, this time with
the "Paingiver 2000".  Back at The Sea Cucumber, it's lather, rinse, repeat,
with the ship spotting a "fearsome" pirate ship, which is very armed, via
navigational chart.  The Sea Cucumber takes a few hits from the "fearsome"
pirate ship, yet somehow manages to take it down with quite a lot of cannonball
shots.  Once Guybrush and his crew prevail, he goes to take on Pirate #5; and
yet another swordfight begins with new insults and witty retorts that Guybrush
gains, as usual, until he wins yet again and returns to The Sea Cucumber with
the booty used to upgrade the cannons at Puerto Pollo, this time to the "Mr.
Massacre" brand cannon.  Same old lather, rinse, repeat at the navigational
chart, this time with the "really fearsome" pirate ship that is heavily armed.
After many shots made and a few hits taken, The Sea Cucumber succeeds and
Guybrush enters the defeated pirate ship with yet another swordfight.  Once
again, after a few insults learned, and fighting back with new insults, he
defeats the sixth pirate and returns to The Sea Cucumber with booty to return
to Puerto Pollo.  This time he speaks with Kenny again.

Guybrush: I'd like to buy some cannons for my pirate ship.  I'll take the
"Destructomatic T-47!"

Kenny: (surprised) Whoa, mister, you've entered a select group o' pirates.
You've just ordered the Destructomatic T-47 armor-piercing Carnage Delivery
System with auto-loading and fax-modem!  Quite a fine piece of hardware if I do
say so myself. *(shouts again)* MOM!!!

He walks back inside, and Guybrush returns once more to The Sea Cucumber with
the cannons getting a final upgrade.  Once more he and his crew find Captain
Rottingham's ship via navigational chart.  But Rottingham's ship is very
heavily armed and loaded with weapons.  Both ships fire the shots from the
Destructomatic T-47 at each other, and both are taking hits; but in the end The
Sea Cucumber has prevailed, getting a message that says "Captain Rottingham has
been defeated!"  Loaded up in readiness, Guybrush enters Rottingham's ship for
one more duel for the map.

Rottingham: So...  It's you again.

Guybrush: Give me my map, you fiend!

Rottingham: Hmmm.  This may prove amusing.

Or:

Rottingham: Here for another whipping?

Guybrush: You'll never get away with this, René!

Rottingham starts the swordfight battle with a slew of insults that are similar
yet different from all the others that the previous pirates had hurled at
Guybrush (once again, Rottingham's insults can be best described in the "Insult
and Reply List" in "3.3.: Script Miscellany" when I get a chance).  Using his
quick wits and a barrage of matching retorts won from previous pirates,
Guybrush prevails over Rottingham after five rounds of insults, knocking off
Rottingham's sword onto the floor.

Rottingham: (astonished) Sacré bleu!  I cannot believe it.  I have been
defeated in battle!

Guybrush: So give me that map, take your ship and skedaddle!

Rottingham: You win!  You win!  You'll get your map back!

Guybrush: You were doomed from the start, you kleptomaniac!

Rottingham: All right!  All right!  I give up already!

Guybrush: It's no wonder you lost with a sword so unsteady!

Rottingham: Mercy!  I beg you!  No more insults!  PLEASE!

Guybrush: Your smell and face remind me of moldy old cheese!

Rottingham: (annoyed) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Scene cuts back to The Sea Cucumber once again, with Guybrush smiling.

Guybrush: We got the map back!  Now we can sail to Blood Island!

********************************************************************
*3.2c. Part IV: The Bartender, the Thieves, His Aunt, and Her Lover*
********************************************************************

It is now sunset as The Sea Cucumber sails onward toward Blood Island.
Suddenly, dark clouds start to form and thunder is heard in the distance.  As
the ship is still sailing on, the ocean waves are starting to grow with unease.
Minutes later thunder clouds have darkened the sky, and lightning flashes as
there is a torrential downpour that rocks the ship and the waves are tossing it
about.  Scene cuts to Guybrush and his crew on the ship in a frenzy, as
Cutthroat Bill runs in a frenzy behind Guybrush on the steering wheel.

Guybrush: We've got to keep her on course for Blood Island!

He tries steering the ship as hard as he can.

Guybrush: Van Helgen?!!

Van Helgen: (tries steering on top of the mast with the rope) I'm doing all I
can here!  Haggis!  Lend a hand!!

Haggis: (struggling hard and putting his hands on his kilt) I'm barely holdin'
on meself, mates!!  By God, this wind, she's the devil's own!!

The ship is still sailing on as the waves are crashing on each other, until at
last it reaches its destination: Blood Island.  Suddenly...

Guybrush: (in a panic) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!

Scene darkens on Guybrush and fades to black as a crash is heard, followed by
a splash of the ocean, a chirp of birds, and finally silence.  Scene cuts to
Guybrush on the sandy beach near his crew as they are repairing The Sea
Cucumber before he gets up.

Guybrush: Whew!  I guess I blacked out for a second.  Where's Elaine?

Haggis: She flew a wee bit into the woods when we crashed.

Guybrush: Then let's get going!  We'll find her then scour the island for the
uncursed diamond ring that will transform her back to normal.

Haggis: I don't be thinkin' we will, lad.

Guybrush: *(starts speaking Haggis' accent)* What do ye mean... I mean... What
do you mean, Haggis?

Haggis: This be a mutiny, Cap'n.  We're leavin' ya.

Guybrush: Did I mention that I'm offering my crew a very attractive pension
plan?

Haggis: Aye, ya did.  And the stock options.  But we're still leavin'.

Guybrush: But why, Haggis?  Why?

Haggis: Well, I admit bein' yer pirate crew has been a real pleasure.  A real
pleasure.  But we've grown restless.  We can hear the voice o' the siren
callin' ta us and she says she be wantin' us to do her hair!

Guybrush: You're going back to being barbers?

Haggis: Aye.  We'll be sailin' back to Plunder Island just as soon as we can
fix the ship.  Good luck, Cap'n Driftwood.  It were a pleasure ta be lootin'
with ya.

Guybrush: (turns to the camera dejected) I guess I'm on my own again.

Guybrush nevertheless speaks with Haggis again.

Guybrush: Uh, Haggis...

Haggis: Aye?

Guybrush: Mutiny is a big step...  ...are you sure you won't reconsider?

Haggis: Aye, lad.  We're all agreed.  We'd rather feel the spray of detangler
in our faces than the spray of the ocean.

Guybrush: Are you sure you don't want to be pirates again?

Haggis: Aye, we're sure.  We'd all rather be cutting hair than cutting throats.
Well... except for Bill.

Guybrush: Of course. *(a pause, then...)* Join me or I'll KILL you all!

Haggis: Of course you will, laddie.  By the way, have you got any duct tape,
laddie?  We're reattaching the mainsail.

Guybrush: Um... no.

Haggis: That's a shame.  I guess we'll have to use nails then.

Guybrush: (repeats) Are you sure you don't want to be pirates again?

Haggis: Sorry, lad.

Guybrush: Oh, shoot... *(a pause, then...)* How are the repairs coming?

Haggis: Well, lad, things could be worse.  There's plenty o' lumber on this
island, so we'll be able to repair all the major holes in the hull.  We'll also
be addin' a hardwood dance floor on the lido deck.

Guybrush: Nice.

Haggis: Aye.  It's somethin' we've been talkin' about for a while.

Guybrush: You mutineers had best beware!

Haggis: Beware of what?

Guybrush: Well, for one thing...  I'll put a terrible pirate curse on you!

Haggis: Could ya be turnin' Bill into solid gold, like yer girlfriend?

Guybrush: I guess that's not much of a threat.

Haggis: No, lad.

Guybrush: (repeats) You mutineers had best beware!

Haggis: Beware of what?

Guybrush: Well, for one thing...  You'll be driven to madness by the shame of
your own guilt.

Haggis: Oh, don't worry about me.  I'll be just fine, lad.  Just fine.  I do
this ALL the time.

Guybrush repeats the "You mutineers had best beware!" thing again.

Guybrush: Well, for one thing...  The sea hates a deserter, and she'll swallow
you up.

Haggis: No, lad.  The sea hates phone solicitors that call at mealtimes.  It
will be the Alps what hates a deserter.

Guybrush: Oh, shucks.  I always get those two confused.

Once more Guybrush repeats the "You mutineers had best beware!" thing.

Guybrush: Well, for one thing...  If I wore a kilt, I wouldn't wear highly
polished shoes.

Haggis: Ach!  By me Great Aunt Fergus!  Ye be right, laddie!  I HAD best
beware!

Guybrush: (repeats once more) You mutineers had best beware!

Haggis: Aye.

Guybrush: My, that's a big bottle of lotion you have there.

Haggis: That's right she be...  ...and don't ye be gettin' any ideas about
stealin' it!  We're sure to be needin' it.  Ya see...  ...carpentry in this
tropical climate can and will prematurely age yer skin!  'Tis but one of the
many hardships a pirate must face daily during this barbarous age.  Aye!  And
if we pirates didn't carry hand lotion aboard all our ships, we'd probably die
from the chafing.

Guybrush: (turns around and smiles) Wow!  If I were doing a history report on
pirates and I included that fact I'd get an A+.  We're talkin' GUARANTEED A+.
And that A+ just might get you into the college of your choice.  Think about
it.

He turns back to Haggis again.

Guybrush: There's no way that I can have even a drop of lotion?

Haggis: Well... maybe we could make a deal.  Ya see, we need to be repairin'
the ship.  She's leaky as a collander.  And for some unknown reason, the ship's
supplies o' tar have been depleted.  How the previous crew could set sail
without any tar aboard eludes me.  But the fact is unless we get us some tar or
somethin' like it, we're doomed to this island for good.  Aye, I'd give ya the
whole bloomin' bottle of lotion...  ...if ya could find me somethin' to patch
the ship so we can be on our way home.

Guybrush: I'll let you get back to work.

He sees a bottle in front of him on the sand near Haggis.

Guybrush: It's a bottle of "Cap'n Nick's Shaving Soap" with a cork in it.  It
must've fallen from the barbers' supplies when the ship wrecked.

He picks up the bottle, exits the beach, and heads on west to the Goodsoup
Plantation Resort Hotel and Casino, where he goes inside.  There, he sees a
dozing bartender at the counter and a fortuneteller at the table near some neon
lights, and decides to talk with her.

Fortuneteller: I feel a dark presence coming over me...

Guybrush: (waves) Hi there!

Fortuneteller: (screams in fright) AIEEEEEE!

Bartender: (annoyed) Ahhh!  Please!  Keep it down!  No screaming!  Oh, my
head...

Guybrush: Hi, I'm Guybrush.  And you would be...?

Fortuneteller: I am Madame Xima...  Mistress of the ancient arts of
precognition and augury...  Diva of divination.

Guybrush: (smiles) Cool!  You're a fortune-teller!

Xima: *(sigh)* That, and so much more.

Guybrush: Whatever.  Tell me my fortune!

Xima: I do not think you wish to hear.  There are things of which a man is
better off being ignorant.

Guybrush: Aw, but I'm already ignorant of so many things!  I want to know my
future!

Xima: (stubborn) No.  You are not meant to know...

Guybrush: I bet you just can't do it.  That's the problem.  You can't do it,
and you're afraid everyone will find out you're just a phony.

Xima: You know, I could put a curse on you that would make every morsel of food
you eat...  ...become a ravenous cockroach inside your intestines...  ...giving
you the most excruciating death imaginable.

A stunned pause, then...

Guybrush: So are you going to tell me my fortune or not?

Xima: I'm not kidding.

Guybrush: Okay, okay. *(after a brief pause)* Do you know anything about the
lost ring of Blood Island?

Xima: I sense tremendous sorrow in connection with that ring.  And a great part
missing.  A beautiful diamond.

Guybrush: Where is the diamond?

Xima: I see a dark cave, filled with evil men.  And a place of death...  ...a
dark island in the form of a giant skull!

Guybrush: (after a brief pause again) What's in the cards for me?  Fame?
Fortune?  Romance?

Xima: *(sigh)* Very well.  We will consult the cards.  The process of reading
the tarot is a very complex one...  ...each draw of the cards foretells an
upcoming event in your life.

She shuffles the cards in her deck before continuing.

Xima: When assembled, they will tell the story of your future...  ...a future
filled with twists and...

She draws out the card and puts it on the table, then suddenly screams in
fright.

Xima: AIEEEEEE!

Bartender: (annoyed again) Good lord, woman!  Stop that screaming!

Guybrush: What is it?  Is that a good AIEEEEEE?

Xima: It is DEATH!

Guybrush: Well... In the tarot, "Death" just means "Change", right?  I mean,
it's nothing to get worried about, right?

Xima: Uh... yeah, sure.  Whatever you say.  Now please, go.

Guybrush goes to the tarot card on the table, then...

Guybrush: Look!  A three-headed monkey!

Xima: Ah, then the prophecies were true! [*(gasp)*]

As she looks around, he takes the card before she looks back at him.

Xima: Where?  I don't see anything.

Guybrush: Huh, he must've run away.

Xima: This is a very bad omen.

He speaks with Madame Xima again, who shuffles her cards.

Guybrush: There must be some mistake.  Read my tarot cards again.

Xima: There is no mistaking your fate, Guybrush.  The cards do not lie.  But if
you insist... *(draws out another tarot card and puts it on the table)* Once
again, it is DEATH.

He insists on speaking with her again.

Guybrush: I'm feeling luckier.  Give me another tarot reading.

Xima: Luck is not involved here, Guybrush.  It is your destiny!

Guybrush: Whatever.  Let's see what the cards say this time.

Xima draws out another Death card and puts it on the table.

Xima: The card says "DEATH".

Guybrush: Are you sure you're not dealing from the bottom of the deck?

Xima: (annoyed) Remember that curse I told you about?

Guybrush: Okay, okay.

He becomes more persistent and speaks with her again.

Guybrush: Hit me.

She takes out the fourth Death card and puts it on the table again, as usual.

Xima: (in fear) DEATH.

Guybrush: How many of those cards do you have, anyway?

Still persistent, he speaks once more with Madame Xima, who shuffles her card
deck.

Guybrush: How about giving me one more tarot reading?

Xima: (annoyed) This is evil work, Guybrush.  The fates have conspired against
you...  ...and no man can interfere!  Your path has been determined.

Guybrush: Okay, I get your point, I really do.  Just one more time.  For
Guybrush.

She takes out one more Death card and puts it on the table, then suddenly...

Xima: *(gasp!)*

Guybrush: Let me guess... DEATH?

Xima: (gets enraged at his guess) Leave this place!

Guybrush: Huh?

Xima: You are putting us all in grave danger!  Your very presence will bring us
nothing but sickness, tragedy, and death!

Guybrush: (retorts) Oh yeah?  Well...

Xima: Demon!  Demon!

He tries apologizing to her.

Guybrush: Madame Xima, I...

Xima: Be gone!  You will bring death to all who surround you!  No good can come
of this!

[Examine the plaque on the table]

Guybrush: (reads) "Madame Eczema"

Xima: (annoyed) Xima!  Madame Xima, Madame Xima, Madame Xima!

[Examine the neon sign]

Guybrush: (reads) "Drink grog"

He takes the remaining four tarot cards on the table, then opens the door near
the neon sign and enters the spare room and picks up the refrigerator magnet.

[Examine the refrigerator]

Guybrush: Hmmm.

[Examine the file cabinet]

Guybrush: It's labeled "Goodsoup Family Records".

[Try to eat the wheel o' cheese]

Guybrush: No thanks, I'm not THAT hungry.

He exits the spare room and tries to pick up the empty jar on the counter,
but...

Bartender: No, no, don't touch that.  Ohhh... my head!

Guybrush takes the brochures, then speaks with the bartender.

Guybrush: (waves) Hi, I'm Guybrush Threepwood, and I'm...

Bartender: Stop yelling!

Guybrush: I wasn't yelling, I was just...

Bartender: (sighs) I've got a terrible hangover.  Find something to clear my
head and I can talk to you.  And keep it down!

[Try to talk to the bartender again]

Guybrush: What was that I...

Bartender: (interrupts) SHHHHH!  Just get me the ingredients for a hangover
remedy and I'll talk to you.

[Examine the recipe book]

Guybrush: (reads) "Pirate Potables"

He picks up the recipe book and the cushion, and tries reaching for the mirror
on the wall, but...

Bartender: Leave that alone.  And turn down the lights, will you?

[Spit at the spitoon]

Guybrush: *Hwwaaaaccck...  ...tooo!*

The spitoon rings out at his saliva.

[Examine the brochure]

Guybrush: It says, "Visit Big Whoop for an eternity of pain and torment, I mean
fun and laughter.  If you're a pirate with a sturdy skeletal structure and a
high threshold for pain..." *(stops reading)* ...but "high threshold for pain"
is crossed out and replaced with "craving for adventure"... *(continues
reading)* "Then Big Whoop is the place for you!  Visit Big Whoop!  Do it right
now!"  There's no pictures or maps or anything.  It just says that it's an
awful lot of fun, honest.

He exits the hotel and opens the recipe book and looks at page 1, which says,
"RUM ROGERS' RUM SURPRISE.  1 barrel rum.  2 flasks rum, warmed.  1 jigger rum.
3 shots rum.  1 tsp vermouth.  Cilantro.  Combine all ingredients.  Season rum
to taste.  If vermouth is not available, substitute with rum."  He turns to
page 2, which says, "YELLOW BEARD'S BABY.  1 jigger vodka.  1 jigger rum.
Juice of 3 lemons.  5 ml phenylalanine.  Cilantro.  Shake well with ice."  Next
is page 3, which reads, "THE BLOODY STUMP.  3 cups rum.  2 tsp. sodium
pentathol [sic].  1 jigger gin.  1 jigger vermouth.  3 cups tomato sauce.
Cilantro.  Blend all ingredients in lead container.  Serve warm, with the half
of one raw potato as garnish."  Page 4: "THE BLUE WHALE.  1 jigger gin.  1
jigger whiskey.  1 jigger vodka.  1 jigger grenadine.  1 jigger paste.  Green
dye #2.  Yellow dye #5.  Cilantro.  Add soda.  Mix with hook."  Page 5: "PHLEGM
AND TONIC.  Combine 1 part Yellow Beard's Baby with 1 part Blue Whale.  Mix
until mucus-green in color.  Add cilantro."  Page 6: "THE BLOATED TICK.  1 cup
tequila.  2 tbsp. maple syrup.  1 lb. sugar.  Juice of 1 salmon (boned).  5
tsp. curry powder.  2 beets.  Cilantro.  Drink tequila.  Combine and discard
remaining ingredients."  Page 7: "SWAMP ZOMBIE.  1 bucket mud.  1 jigger
whiskey.  2 tsp. iron fillings.  1 bat.  2 egg whites.  Dash of Mocha.  9 mg.
penicillin.  Dash of Snot.  Cilantro.  Mix well.  Serve over ice."  Finally, he
turns to page 8, which reads out the anti-hangover recipe he's been looking
for: "APPENDIX A.  A Pirate's First Hangover Cure.  Clears foggy heads!  One
(1) egg.  Pepper.  Hair of the dog that bit 'ya [sic].  ALCOHOL-SENSITIVE
PATIENTS: Consult a physician before using.  Do not mix with alcohol before
operating rudders or other heavy machinery.  Causes extreme, extreme, extreme,
extreme, extreme, extreme..."  He continues to page 9, which continues with,
"...extreme, extreme, extreme, extreme, extreme, extreme, extreme, extreme
drowsiness."  Page 10: "APPENDIX B.  Cirrhosis: Know the signs by Captain
William W.  -Dizziness.  -Nausea.  -General unpleasant feeling.  -Death.  If
symptoms persist, treat with alcohol."  Page 11: APPENDIX C.  Blondebeard's Top
Secret Biscuit Recipe.  2 cups flour.  2 eggs.  1 tsp. yeast.  Cilantro.  Add
fly larvae to taste.  Courtesy of the editor's friend's aunt, who was charged
500 pieces of eight for a 'complimentary' copy of the recipe, and has
distributed it for free in retaliation."  Page 12: "This page intentionally
left blank."  Once he finishes reading the recipe book, he puts it away and
goes to the cemetery entrance near the hotel where a crypt is, then goes a bit
south to the gravedigger's house.

[Examine the crack between the doors]

Guybrush: I can't see anyone in there right now.

[Examine the workbench]

Guybrush: It's a Black Beard's [sic] Deck-Maker Workbench.

[Examine the recycling bin]

Guybrush: It's a scrap metal recycling bin.

He goes to the table to the left of a dog in the doghouse and takes the chisel
and mallet.

[Examine the carved tombstone on the table]

Guybrush: It's beginning to spell a word.  What could it be?  Rib-roast?
Riboflavin?

[Examine the dog bowl]

Guybrush: It says, "Old Blind Pew."

[Pick up dog bowl]

Guybrush: I don't want that.

[Examine the smoldering campfire]

Guybrush: Someone should really learn to properly extinguish campfires.

He talks to the old dog, called Old Blind Pew.

Guybrush: Bark!

The dog gets no response.

Guybrush: Woof!

The dog still gets no response.

Guybrush: *Howwwwwl!*

The dog gets no response.

Guybrush: *(Pant!)*

The dog still gets no response.

Guybrush: Arf Arf!

The dog only moves his paw.

Guybrush: (turns to the camera) Hm, he's just not very social, I guess.

He goes to Old Blind Pew.

Guybrush: Okay, fella, this won't hurt a bit.

He takes the smelly dog hair.

Guybrush: Hey, I guess it didn't hurt a bit.  He must be shedding.

He takes out the half-eaten maggoty biscuit and shows it to Old Blind Pew, who
gets up, sniffs the biscuit, and chomps on Guybrush's arm and the biscuit, then
pulls away from his arm before going to sleep again.

Guybrush: (winces) Ow!  He bit me!

[Try to give any item to Old Blind Pew]

Guybrush: I don't think he'd like that.

Guybrush exits the cemetery and goes further west to a windmill, where he takes
out a pepper from a pepper garden near the windmill.  Finally, he goes east of
the hotel to a beach, where he tries to pick up an egg from a rubber tree's
nest, but...

Guybrush: I can't reach it.

[Examine the weathered sign]

Guybrush: (reads) "Lost Welshman Ferry Line.  Haunted sea cruises and whale-
watching excursions daily."

[Try to shake the rubber tree]

Guybrush: I can't shake it hard enough with just my hands.

[Examine the seawater]

Guybrush: Those advertisements were no lie.  It really is crystal clear.

[Try pick up the seawater]

Guybrush: I really don't want to go in the ocean.

After he tries picking up the seawater about 25 times, however, he turns to the
camera.

Guybrush: Well, if you insist...

He goes into the water, and the scene cuts to... an underwater view similar to
"The Secret of Monkey Island", where he walks in and sees a drowned version of
his own green, bloated body tied to an idol, yet he doesn't recognize the
corpse because of old-style PC graphics.

Guybrush: Hmmm... *(turns to the camera)* That guy probably couldn't hold his
breath underwater for very long.  Too bad.

After a few seconds of floating, he leaves the screen and returns to the beach
in normal screen, where he turns to the camera.

Guybrush: I hope it was worth it for you.

[If you go underwater again...]

[Examine the sword]

Guybrush: It's sharp.  I'd better be careful.

[Pick up the sword]

Guybrush: It's too barnacle-encrusted to be very useful.

[Try to swallow the sword]

Guybrush: I'm no sword-swallower.

[Examine the broken glass]

Guybrush: Litterbugs.  Sharp, though.

[Try to pick up the broken glass]

Guybrush: I'm not a garbage collector.

[Try to talk to the broken glass]

Guybrush: Whatever was in that bottle is long gone.

[Examine the razor-sharp scissors]

Guybrush: VERY sharp.

[Try to pick up the razor-sharp scissors]

Guybrush: VERY hazardous to my delicate skin.

[Talk to the razor-sharp scissors]

Guybrush: I already have the barber's scissors, why would I need these?

[Examine the deadly meat cleaver]

Guybrush: Sharp and dangerous.

[Try to pick up the deadly meat cleaver]

Guybrush: Carrying around a meat cleaver is just going to get somebody hurt.

[Talk to the meat cleaver]

Guybrush: I wonder if it was ever used to kill anyone.

[Examine the fish food (i.e., Guybrush's bloated corpse)]

Guybrush: Too bad he couldn't reach any of this sharp stuff.

[Try to push the "fish food"]

Guybrush: Euuu!  No way!

[Talk to the "fish food"]

Guybrush: Uh, hi there, corpse.

[Examine the fabulous idol]

Guybrush: Actually, it's more like a fabulous doorstop.

[Try to pick up the fabulous idol]

Guybrush: If that was light enough to be carried by one person...  ...don't you
think this guy would have just picked it up?

[Try to talk to the fabulous idol]

Guybrush: I don't think it would talk back to me.

[Examine the hacksaw]

Guybrush: Looks sharp.

[Try to pick up the hacksaw]

Guybrush: I don't want to cut myself.

[Try to talk to the hacksaw]

Guybrush: I can't talk to a hacksaw.

[Examine the rusty knife]

Guybrush: Rusty, but sharp.

[Try to pick up the rusty knife]

Guybrush: I could get tetanus if I prick my finger with that.

[Try to talk to the rusty knife]

Guybrush: It's not a very efficent-looking toothpick.

After checking everything, Guybrush returns once more to the surface.

[Try to use the mallet on the rubber tree without putting a cushion on the
rocks]

Guybrush: The egg would break when it hit the ground.

He goes to the rocks below the nest and places the cushion on them, then goes
to the rubber tree, takes out the mallet, and hits the tree, shaking it hard
enough for the egg to fall and land safely on the cushion.  He puts away the
mallet and takes both the egg and the cushion.  With the recipe collection
complete, he goes back to the hotel interior and shows the smelly dog hair to
the bartender.

Guybrush: This is some of the hair of the dog that bit me!

Bartender: Shhhh!  Thanks.

Next, Guybrush hands the egg to him.

Guybrush: I found this egg for your hangover remedy!

Bartender: Shhhh!  Thanks.

Finally, Guybrush hands the pepper to the bartender.

Guybrush: Here's a wild pepper for your hangover remedy!

Bartender: Shhhh!  Thanks.  That's all the ingredients I need.  Let me quietly
mix up a dose...

The bartender mixes all the ingredients into a remedy, then pours it into a
glass and takes it, opens his mouth and drinks it down.  With one gulp of the
remedy, his eyes are awake, then he drops the glass with a smash and stands
back up on his feet, alive and well.

Bartender: Ah, much better.  Here, you can take the rest.

He puts the hangover remedy, the Head-B-Clear, onto the counter, and Guybrush
takes it before speaking with him.

Guybrush: I'd like a drink, please.

Bartender: Sure.  What will you have?

Guybrush: I'll take a drink that simply reeks of sophistication.

Bartender: I've got a drink that simply reeks.  Take it or leave it.

Guybrush: I'll take it.

Bartender: Coming right up.

He takes out a drink, the Open Sore, and puts it on the counter.  Nevertheless,
Guybrush continues to speak with the bartender.

Guybrush: I don't believe we've met.  Who are you?

Bartender: (introduces himself) I am Griswold, last of the Goodsoups and
proprietor of this hotel.  You may have heard of us and our soup restaurant-
resort empire that stretches across the Caribbean.

Guybrush: ... Well...

Griswold: (sighs) This was once our proudest resort.  In recent years, however,
hard times have befallen the Family Goodsoup...  ...and left me alone in this
rotting hotel.  "The Goodsoup Plantation Resort Hotel and Casino."

Guybrush: What do you know about the lost ring of Blood Island?

Griswold: Ah, that's a very sad chapter in my family's history.  My great-aunt
Minnie "Stronie" Goodsoup was a well-to-do member of Blood Island society.  Her
one weakness was her romantic nature.  She had a thing for pirates, one in
particular.  He came into port, she fell instantly in love, and they were
engaged within the week.  Then, on the eve of their wedding...  ...he stole the
fantastic Goodsoup Diamond from her ring and sold it to smugglers on Skull
Island.  She wore the empty engagement band on her finger until the day she
died, which was not long after.  Some say she still haunts the Goodsoup family
tomb.  It is a sad story, is it not?

Guybrush: (choked up in tears) Oh, I'm sorry.  I wasn't listening.  Uh, could
you repeat that?

Griswold: (annoyed) Get lost, chowderhead.

Guybrush: Hypothetically, how would one get into your aunt's tomb?

Griswold: (shrugs his shoulders) I suppose you would have to die.

Guybrush remembers the Voodoo Lady's "ill-fated" prediction and turns to the
camera in anxiety and disappointment.

Guybrush: Oh, crud.

He turns back to talk to Griswold again.

Guybrush: Again, how would one get into your kindly aunt's tomb?

Griswold: (shrugs his shoulders again) I suppose you would have to die.

Guybrush: Tell me that whole ring story again.

Griswold: My dead great-aunt's fiancé stole the diamond and sold it to
smugglers on Skull Island.  She wore the engagement band until the day she
died...  ...and she remains buried in the Goodsoup family crypt, dead of a
broken heart.

Guybrush: How can I get out to Skull Island?

Griswold: (shrugs his shoulders) Well, there used to be a regular ferry out to
Skull Island.

Guybrush: Used to?

Griswold: Ah, one cold night, so the tale goes, the Welshman set out in his
dinghy.  The deep fog around Skull Isle obscured even the moon...  ...but the
Welshman could see the distant light of the Blood Island lighthouse.  When he
had rowed half the distance, the light in the lighthouse was mysteriously
smashed...  ...and the poor Welshman was lost, almost never to be seen again.

Guybrush: Almost?

Griswold: Well, there are those who say that late at night...  ...if you stare
into the fog long enough...  ...you may see the Flying Welshman...  ...rowing
in his ghostly dinghy, lost for all eternity.

Guybrush: Creepy. *(a brief pause, then...)* How's business?

Griswold: Oh, I need another drink.

Guybrush: (shrugs his shoulders) Not good, I take it.

Griswold: Just look around -- no guests, no food, no entertainment, not even
the cannibals will come here.  My only regular is a spooky old fortune-teller
who gives everyone the creeps. *(looks around)* Err, no offense, Madame Xima.

Xima: (enraged, off-camera) A pox on your first-born.

Griswold: Hmm.  Yes, right.

Guybrush: Why don't you try to liven the place up a little?

Griswold: Well, that's quite a story.  Years ago, this hotel was one of the
hottest destinations in the Caribbean.  People came from around the globe to
see our world-famous dinner show.  You may have noticed the oddly-shaped
barbecue out on the patio.

Guybrush: Well, no...

Griswold: Well, that barbecue was the centerpiece of our nightly entertainment.

Guybrush: Isn't a barbecue the central attraction of most sophisticated
nightlife activities?

Griswold: Maybe, but no one else had a barbecue like this one.  Every night the
guests would gather around on the patio, and at precisely 6 o'clock...

Guybrush: You'd recite original poetry?

Griswold: ...no!  Do you want to hear the story or not?

Guybrush: I'm sorry, I'm fascinated.  Please go on.

Griswold: Well, every night at precisely 6 o'clock the volcano would erupt...
...and the lava would flow down the side of the mountain and into the special
trough that runs beneath the barbecue.  The guests absolutely loved it!

Guybrush: Isn't that some kind of fire hazard?

Griswold: (shrugs) Well, we'd get a case of severe third-degree burns every now
and then...  ...but everybody agreed that it was worth it.  That volcano was a
show-stopper!  One day, the volcano just inexplicably stopped erupting.
Without our main attraction, the resort just lost its appeal.  We've gone
downhill ever since, and the volcano hasn't erupted to this day.

Guybrush: Tragic. *(a pause, then...)* What happened to all the guests?

Griswold: After the place started to run down, they all checked out.  All
except... for one.  The guest... that never left!

Guybrush: Is this going to be scary?  Because I warn you...

Griswold: Every night we heard strange noises coming from his room...
Frightful crashing sounds that shook the entire hotel, each followed by the
most horrible screaming and cursing. *(shrugs)* Then, one night, the sounds
just stopped...  ...but were replaced with a terrifying wailing and moaning.  I
had the room sealed and vowed never to enter that hateful place again.

Guybrush: Would you let me into the guest room upstairs?

Griswold: No!  It is locked for a reason!  Let no man disturb the dark spirits
who occupy that room.

Guybrush: Maybe if you tried a more aggressive marketing scheme...

Griswold: I've tried everything!  Pamphlets, stickers, extensive print
campaigns...  I even tried passing out vials of my own blood imprinted with the
slogan...  "My parents went to Blood Island and all I got was this lousy plasma
sample."

Guybrush: That's just gross.

Griswold: (shrugs again) Well, with the benefit of hindsight, I suppose it is.

Guybrush: Maybe if you booked some more entertainers...

Griswold: I booked a juggling act here a while back, but that didn't work out.
Rather a moody guy.  Kept talking about suffering for his art and all that.
The guests hated him.  They actually cheered when he burst into flame during
his firewalking act.

Guybrush: Maybe if you focused on Blood Island's rich history...

Griswold: (shrugs again) What history?  The island has a windmill and a
lighthouse.  There's not a whole lot to see.

Guybrush: Maybe you should get out of the hotel business.

Griswold: Goodsoups have always been in hotel management.  I've got to do my
part to keep the dream alive, booking rooms and mixing drinks.

Guybrush: That's stirring.

Griswold: Excuse me, stirring drinks.

Guybrush: No, I meant... never mind. *(after a pause again)* Eh, that's a
shame.  I'm sorry I brought it up. *(another pause, then...)* How can I get out
to Skull Island?

Griswold: (shrugs his shoulders) Well, there used to be a regular ferry out to
Skull Island.  But he was lost at sea when the lighthouse broke.  He never was
a very strong navigator.

Guybrush: I'm off to explore the rustic charms of Blood Island.

He goes back to the hotel's spare room, takes out the chisel, and thrusts it
into the wheel o' cheese, making a crack in it.  He puts away the chisel and
takes the big chunk of cheese, then exits the hotel and heads north toward the
strange lights, which soon leads to a cannibal village, where he enters and
looks around.

Guybrush: This village is deserted...  How curious.

[Examine the assorted fruits and vegetables on the table]

Guybrush: It's a table covered with different fruits and vegetables.

[Examine the decorative centerpiece]

Guybrush: Very classy.

He takes the block of tofu from the assorted fruits and vegetables on the
table, then goes to the small table on the right near the molten pot and picks
up the auger and the measuring cup before going through the path on the right
to the volcano entrance, where he sees a familiar face: Lemonhead from "The
Secret of Monkey Island".  He goes on to speak with Lemonhead.

Guybrush: I'm Guybrush Threepwood, a mighty pirate!

Lemonhead: A pirate, huh?  Well, then you must realize the inherent danger in
wandering into a village populated by cannibals.

Guybrush: Cannibals?!

Lemonhead: You say that like it's a bad thing.  Well, it's true.  But we are no
longer vicious and bloodthirsty cannibals.

Guybrush: No?

Lemonhead: No.  We underwent a paradigm shift in our belief system several
years ago.

Guybrush: Really?  That's fascinating.

Or:

If you try to pick "Pair of dimes?" Lemonhead will try to stop you with his
thoughts of "Wait!  Choosing that one will be your undoing!"; "Don't choose
THAT one!"; "Pick this one and you're really in trouble"; "Stop!  You are
making a grave mistake!"; "Oh, please!  No.  No!  Pick another!"; "You will
surely be punished if you pick that one"; "No!  That's the wrong choice!"; and
"I'm warning you.  Choose that one and you'll die."  Nevertheless, Guybrush
defies death and makes a choice with...

Guybrush: Pair of dimes?

Stangely, Lemonhead DOESN'T kill Guybrush after all.

Lemonhead: We decided we wanted to live the healthy cannibal lifestyle.
Completely cut back on our fatty missionary intake and went vegetarian
altogether.  But there certainly was a time I would have eaten you.  Young guy
like you, not too much muscle...

Guybrush: (stunned) Hey!

Lemonhead: I'd probably marinate you in white wine for forty-five minutes...
...dip you in a light corn batter...  ...wrap you in banana leaves and bury you
in a pit with a hundred hot coals...  ...let you roast overnight...  ...then
I'd serve you on a bed of basmati rice...  ...with a garnish of shitake
mushrooms and shallots.  Mmmmm...

Guybrush: But not anymore, right?

Lemonhead: (lost in thought) Mmmmmmmmmm...

Guybrush: But, but not anymore, RIGHT!

Lemonhead: Huh?  Oh... yeah.  Right, right.

Guybrush: Aren't you afraid the volcano will destroy your village?

Lemonhead: The volcano?  Oh, no.  Mt. Acidophilus is completely harmless.  We
have curried favor with Sherman, the all-powerful god of the volcano.

Guybrush: The god of the volcano likes spicy foods?

Lemonhead: Shut up, or I'll eat you.

Guybrush: O.K.

Lemonhead: When we first landed on this island, the volcano god was most upset.
Belching out smoke...  ...vomiting up lava.  It was disgusting, really.  And
potentially hazardous.  We knew we had to do something to pacify the volcano
god and we assumed a good sacrifice would do the trick.

Guybrush: A reasonable assumption.

Lemonhead: But when we threw the sacrifice into the volcano, Mt. Acidophilus
erupted violently.  We thought Sherman was upset at us, so we started making
sacrifices every day.  We tried everything...  ...fish, poultry, livestock,
phenylalanine...

Guybrush: The usual.

Lemonhead: Then one day we tried brie.  There was a huge eruption that nearly
killed us all!

Guybrush: What happened?

Lemonhead: Sherman is lactose intolerant.

Guybrush: (realizing) Ah.  It all makes sense now.

Lemonhead: Now, Sherman is on a very strict diet.  He only gets fresh fruit,
vegetables...  ...and of course soy products for the proteins so important to
muscle-building.

Guybrush: Stand aside!  I mean to visit the volcano!

Lemonhead: I'm afraid I cannot allow that.  Our ritual offering is about to
begin.

Guybrush: Terrific!  I'm fascinated by your quaint tribal customs!

Lemonhead: Postcards and slides are available in the lobby.  Non-cannibals are
forbidden from witnessing the actual ceremony.

Guybrush: That's so unfair!

Lemonhead: Tell it to the volcano gods.  I don't make the rules, you know.

Guybrush: When does the ceremony begin?

Lemonhead: It was supposed to have started half an hour ago.  Even now, members
of my village are preparing a human-like sacrifice for the volcano god.

Guybrush: Human-like?

Lemonhead: Due to the delicate nature of the volcano god's digestion we can't
actually feed him real humans.  So we sacrifice a human substitute.  It doesn't
really taste like a human, but it has a similar texture.

Guybrush: So what's the hold-up?

Lemonhead: We're still waiting for our featured guest.

Guybrush: Who is your featured guest?

Lemonhead: He's an ambassador from one of the other islands.  It's all part of
a new Cannibal Outreach program between the villages.  Apparently not all
villages are as punctual as ours.

Guybrush: Uh... I'll help you find him.  What does he look like?

Lemonhead: I don't know.  He should be dressed for the ceremony.  And he'd
better be a vegetarian.  We specifically asked for a vegetarian.

Guybrush: You look familiar, somehow.

Lemonhead: Perhaps it's because I look like a big lemon.

Guybrush: (remembers) Oh, yeah!  But it's more than that.  We've met before.
Back on Monkey Island.

Lemonhead: Ah, Monkey Island.  We had a nice village there.  Rent controlled
huts, close to the good schools.  Those were the salad days, so to speak, until
they put in that darned carnival.

Guybrush: Carnival!?

Lemonhead: Yes, carnival.  Just as soon as they put up the first tent...
...WHOOSH...  ...the whole place becomes TRENDY.  Sailors coming in at all
times of the night...  ...that awful music droning on and on...  ...and to be
honest with you, I think the midway games are rigged.

Guybrush: (in a bored tone) Yeah, yeah.

Lemonhead: At night, it wasn't safe for a cannibal to walk the island alone.

Guybrush: I REALLY want to see the volcano.

Lemonhead: You're just not a cannibal, and your presence would defile the
sanctity of our ceremony.

Guybrush: Oh, can't you make an exception just this once?  It's an emergency!

Lemonhead: I'd like to, but if I let you in, then I'd have to let everybody in.
Next thing you know, cannibalism is "in", and they're making documentaries
about us.

Guybrush: I bring a gift for the volcano god!

Lemonhead: Oh, we can't take gifts from outsiders.  Government regulations,
health codes, taboos, that sort of thing.  I'll send him your regards, though.

Guybrush: I'm thinking of becoming a cannibal.

Lemonhead: Do you have any previous experience?

Guybrush: Well, I used to bite my fingernails.

Lemonhead: Hmmm.  Well, technically, I'm not supposed to do this...  ...but I
like you.  You got moxie.  After the sacrifice, I'll get you started on your
cannibalism orientation program.  In just four short years, you'll be able to
join us in the volcano ritual!

Guybrush: (shocked) Four years?  Uh... wait a second.  Did I say "cannibal?"
I, I meant to say... err, "cannon... ball."  I want to be a cannon ball.
BOOOOOMM!

After a brief pause...

Lemonhead: You're not quite stable, are you?

Guybrush: Nice village you have.

Lemonhead: Thanks.  It's not much but we call it home.  We've been doing our
best to capture the classic charm of a headhunter village...  ...while at the
same time incorporating all the modern conveniences brought to us by the
European explorers.  You may have noticed our first state-of-the-art
bloodletting clinic...  ...which has been cleverly designed to look like a
traditional shaman's hut.

Guybrush: How quaint!

Lemonhead: (laughs) Yes, we think so.

Guybrush: Do you live in fear of the fruit fly menace?

Lemonhead: Not since I switched to a malathion-based cologne.

Guybrush: Very alluring.

Lemonhead: Thank you.

Guybrush: Do they hassle you when you go through customs?

Lemonhead: You have no idea.

Guybrush: (repeats) Nice village you have.

Lemonhead: Thanks.

Guybrush: (after some pause) Gotta run.  Bye.

[Show the Blood Island map to Lemonhead]

Guybrush: Hey, uh, look here.  Sun-dried Spaniard crisps.

Lemonhead: Ohhhhhhhhhh...  Mmmmmmmmmmm...  Crispy fried back skin...
...Hairless, too.  Shaved?

Guybrush: Nope.  100-percent Natural.

Lemonhead: Mmmmmmmmmmmm... Savory...  No, I must resist.  Against my belief
system to eat any fleshy products.

Guybrush uses the auger to poke some holes in the block of tofu.

Guybrush: That looks like a mask. *(after some pause...)* I'll just walk over
here so he won't see me put this on.

He walks to the right near a mountain crag as a hiding place, then takes out
the tofu mask and puts it on his head.

Guybrush: Ick.

He walks up to Lemonhead in his new disguise.

Guybrush: Ahem.

Lemonhead: (excited) Finally!  You're here.  Come on, we're late for the
sacrifice.

Scene cuts to the volcano a few minutes later, with Lemonhead performing the
ritual along with two new friends, Pineapple Head and Banana Head.

Lemonhead: (calling out and moving his arms in dance) ...God of the Volcano who
resides in Mount Acidophilus...  ...Accept this sacrifice we make unto you...
...in the form of flesh with high amounts of fiber and wholesome cellulose...
...free of all fat and trans-fatty acids...  ...so that it might nourish you
and bring your favor upon our humble village...  ...and not upset nor agitate
your Ulcertive Caldera...

He lets his arms down before continuing.

Lemonhead: Okay, boys... toss 'im in!

Pineapple Head and Banana Head cut the ropes that had bound the fruit-and-
vegetable human sacrifice, making it fall into the lava.

Lemonhead: You've been a wonderful audience!  Thank you and good night!

The cannibals all walk from each other and cook some marshmallows on sticks,
before Guybrush tries speaking to Lemonhead, whose marshmallow burns into ashes
before he looks at Guybrush.

Guybrush: You feed the volcano mannequins made from vegetables?

Lemonhead: Yes we do.  Sherman isn't a strict vegetarian...  ...but fatty foods
can cause him severe indigestion.

Thinking of using the un-melted hunk of nacho cheese for experimentation,
Guybrush goes to the massive seething caldera, takes out the cheese, looks
around, waves his fingers, and tosses it in, causing the lava to bubble more
wildly than ever before.

Lemonhead: (agitated) You fool!  You've given cheese to a lactose intolerant
volcano god!  Do you know what that means?  You've brought about the Coming of
the Divine Dysentery! *(panicked)* Run for your lives!

Scene cuts to Mt. Acidophilus, with the lava bubbling up before coughing and
spitting out of control, then erupting with a belch and spilling into a trough
near the hotel.  Scene cuts back to the volcano, now more active than ever
before, before cutting back to the cannibal village, with Guybrush back in his
normal clothing.

Guybrush: (smiles) Wow!  That was more spectacular than I had hoped!

With his mission accomplished, he exits the village and returns to the hotel,
where he enters and speaks with Griswold Goodsoup again.

Guybrush: (joyous) The volcano has erupted!

Griswold: Yes, I know!  The Goodsoup Empire is saved!  Ah!  This is the
happiest day of my life...  ...next to the day Grandpa invented the stay-
crispy-in-soup oyster cracker.

Guybrush: Well, I'm happy for ya.

Griswold: Soon the resort will be flooded with tourists coming to see the
volcano...  ...and I can finally put on the show I was working on the last time
we had guests.

Guybrush: What show is that?

Griswold: "Voulez Vous Vichyssoise," a dramatic musical about a talented,
young, Parisian soup chef...  ...who is cruelly taken down by the Paris
culinary establishment...  ...for her revolutionary ideas about soup
preparation.

Guybrush: I'm sure it will be a big hit. *(after some pause...)* I'm off to
explore the rustic charms of Blood Island.

He exits the hotel's interior to accomplish what needs to be done.

[Examine the billboard near the entrance]

Guybrush: (reads) Feel the Power of the Ancient Volcano Goddess in: "Griswold
Goodsoup Presents: High Explosive!"  The most intense showgirl cabaret in the
Caribbean.  Starring Willamina, Temptress of the Caldera.  Nightly at 7.

[Pick up the cooking pot]

Guybrush: I'm not going to carry around that heavy iron pot for no reason.

He then goes to the cooking pot, takes out the remaining chunks of nacho cheese
and puts them all into the pot, which melts the cheese into a fondue.

[Examine the cooking pot]

Guybrush: That melted cheese looks just like yellow tar.

After some pause for action...

Guybrush: I guess I'll just drag this down to Haggis now.

He takes the pot, and a few minutes later he is on the beach in front of Haggis
and the fondue pot.

Guybrush: Here, Haggis.  This stuff should work to patch up the ship.

Haggis: Aye, laddy... Indeed it should!  The consistency of tar... but with a
tangy pepper taste!

Guybrush: So, can I have your lotion now?

Haggis: Aye, lad!  Go ahead and take it.

Guybrush picks up the slippery greasy hand lotion near Haggis, then goes to the
water, takes out the measuring cup, and scoops up the sea water with it, then
puts it away and walks farther from the water.

Guybrush: It's full of sea water.

He then puts the pin onto the magnet, which magnetizes the pin.

Guybrush: Cool!  A magnetic pin!  The mind boggles at the possibilities!

Next, he takes out Cap'n Nick's Shaving Soap bottle and bites into the cork,
opening up the bottle before putting it away and spitting out the cork.  He
then places the magnetic pin into the cork.

Guybrush: O.K.

Finally he places the pin in cork into the measuring cup of water, forming a
compass.

Guybrush: Hey, neat!  It points north!  Science is fun when you know the
secret!

[Examine the compass]

Guybrush: I admit I had my doubts at first, but it looks really nice all put
together.

[Use Cap'n Nick's Shaving Soap anywhere]

Guybrush: That doesn't need to be lathered up.

Feeling a sense of abandonment once again, and knowing there is no turning back
now, he goes back to the hotel and into its interior, where he drinks the Open
Sore on the counter, gulping it down, then putting the glass back on the
counter and wiping his mouth off his sleeve with a sense of pain.

Guybrush: Aahh, Pappapisshu!  Here's your glass back.

Griswold takes the glass back before Guybrush calmly speaks to him again.

Guybrush: I'd like a drink, please.

Griswold: Sure.  What will you have?

Guybrush: Give me a big, fruity drink with an umbrella in it.

Griswold: Good choice!  It's a delicious taste of the islands.  Made with
lemon, grapefruit and ground beef.

He takes out the drink and puts it on the counter, and Guybrush becomes
shocked.

Guybrush: Hey!  Don't I get one of those decorative umbrellas to go in my
tropical drink?

Griswold: Ummm... *(shrugs his shoulders)* I don't think we have any...  No,
I'm wrong.  I DO have this one.

He takes out a real big umbrella and puts it into the drink, and Guybrush takes
the umbrella, closes it, and puts it away.

[Try to put the Head-B-Clear with the Caribbean Body Slam without opening it
first]

Guybrush: The bottle is closed.

Feeling that he could be on a suicide mission for the wedding band, Guybrush
tries opening the Head-B-Clear remedy with his own hands, but finds that he
can't open it, then puts it away agitated.

Guybrush: Darn child-proof caps.  I can't open it.

He finds another way to open the bottle, using the chisel on it to pop its cap
open.

Guybrush: That opened it.

Ignoring the warning on pages 8 and 9 of the blue recipe book, he takes out the
open Head-B-Clear bottle and pours it into the Caribbean Body Slam, making it
fizz up.

Guybrush: That makes the drink oh-so-much-more appealing.

Knowing that he has no other choice but to fulfill the Voodoo Lady's "ill-
fated" prediction, he has what he thinks are a few final thoughts and turns to
the camera.

Guybrush: It just occurred to me that mixing medicine and alcohol is a really
stupid and possibly lethal thing to do.  If I were a real person instead of a
loveably inept cartoon character with the potential for a few more sequels...
...I wouldn't even consider it.

He calmly turns back to the counter.

Guybrush: Skoal!

Gathering up his courage and overcoming his fear of death, he takes the mug
and downs the spiked drink in a few gulps, then puts the mug back on the
counter and wipes his mouth with his sleeve, then turns around and waits...

Guybrush: That's odd.  It's supposed to cause drowsiness.

The scene starts to darken as he speaks.

Guybrush: I don't feel the least bit drowsy.

The whole scene turns to a color negative except Guybrush, as if it and the
music were on a bad acid trip.  Suddenly his voice starts going into slow
motion.

Guybrush: In fact, I, uh...

His voice starts getting tired and very sleepy, and his eyelids start getting
heavier.

Guybrush: ...in fact I feel...

His voice now gets low, barely intelligible and very slow at a snail's pace.

Guybrush: ...I feel...

His breathing suddenly stops, and he now acts as if he were poisoned, as he
clutches his own neck and chokes up before falling onto the floor, sprawled out
and motionless before the scene blacks out.  After a few more seconds of
blackness, scene slowly fades back to normal... with the same gravedigger from
Disc 1 now standing at the counter, cheering up Griswold near a seemingly-dead
Guybrush.

Gravedigger: ...so then the undertaker says, "I wanted to be a pallbearer, but
I couldn't stop coffin!"

Griswold: (laughs) Ha ha!  You crack me up, Mort.

Mort: So what's with the new guy?

Griswold: Ah, he's been like that for an hour now.  Passed out cold.  He'll
come around.

After a brief pause...

Mort: I don't know... I'm pretty sure he's dead.

Griswold: Hmmm. *(sighs)* I guess that's the end of the game, then.

Mort: What with him being the main character and all.  Funny, I didn't think
you could die in LucasArts™ adventure games.

Griswold: (shrugs his shoulders) Maybe they're trying something different.

Mort: (after a short pause) Want I should take care of him?

Griswold: Would you?  It's bad for business, having him just lie there.

Scene cuts to the inside of the crypt minutes later, with Mort the Gravedigger
locking the crypt door far from Guybrush's coffin on the lower right corner and
thinking up something to say to him.

Mort: Rest in peace, and all that.

After he leaves, a fake "Game Over" scene starts to play, accompanied by fake
"Game Over" music called Frédéric Chopin's "Funeral March".

                                    THE END

                          You scored 0 of 800 points.

Just then, Guybrush's embarrassed voice starts shouting from the coffin.

Guybrush: (off-camera) Hey!

Fake end credits start to roll.

                          THE CURSE OF MONKEY ISLAND™
                  © 1997, LucasArts Entertainment Company LLC

[NOTE: This final version of the game has restored the "™" and "©" symbols in
the fake end credits, as opposed to the "(tm)" and "(c)" in the earlier
version, which didn't have these symbols or accented marks.  How said version
didn't have them is beyond me, but anyway...]

While the fake credits are rolling, Guybrush's voice starts to get agitated.

Guybrush: (off-camera) I'm not really dead!

After a few seconds he starts to get really annoyed.

Guybrush: (off-camera) Oh, come on, cut it out!

The fake credits reverse themselves on cue.  Satisfied that he has just woken
up from his feigned death, he tries to open the coffin.

Guybrush: (off-camera) It won't open!  I'm trapped!

Thinking of a way out, he gets an idea, then takes out the chisel.  After a few
seconds of lid-banging, the coffin opens and Guybrush gets up and steps out of
it.  After a few seconds, there is a bang from a coffin in the center and he
jumps in fright.

Guybrush: Yikes!  Where is that tell-tale pounding coming from? *(after a few
pounds again...)* It's coming from within one of these coffins... *(walks
around a bit)* ...from the dead... *(walks back some more on a bang)* ...the
dead that surround me...

After he walks around a bit on a bang again...

Guybrush: (in fright) They must know my horrible secret!

He walks around again on another bang.

Guybrush: They'll never let me rest until I've paid for the wrongs I've
committed against...

After a second of pause...

Guybrush: (turns around on a bang) Wait a second.  I don't HAVE a horrible
secret.

[Examine the coffin in the center]

Guybrush: I think that knocking is coming from inside this coffin!

After a bit of pause, he goes to his open coffin and takes out the coffin nails
from left to right, one by one.  He then goes around to the back of the coffin
in the center, then takes out the chisel and thrusts it into the lid, prying it
open.  He then puts the chisel away, walks back around and reaches for the lid
which suddenly opens up, making him jump back in fright as a familiar face
appears: Smilin' Stan S. Stanman from the "Monkey Island" series.

Stan: Whew!  I'm glad to be finally out of that thing! (Even though it was a
spacious, comfortable model with plenty of leg and head room.)

Guybrush walks to Stan while the latter speaks and looks surprised to see him.

Stan: Well, hello there!  Say, you look familiar...

Guybrush: Uh, yes, well...

Stan: Of course!  Guybrush Threepwood!  You're the one who locked me in there
in the first place!

Guybrush: Well, you see, I've been meaning to...

Stan: (interrupts) No, no!  I won't hear of it!  That was the best time of my
life!  Gave me plenty of time to think, you know.  To think about the things
that really matter.  I don't know if you've considered this, son...  ...but
live burials are not an altogether uncommon experience here in the Caribbean.

Guybrush: I wasn't aware of that.

Stan: Not to mention pirate raids and deadly sea battles...  ...huge, man-
eating reptiles...  ...dangerous quicksand pits...  ...trigger-happy
duelists...  ...and, of course, those pesky undead.  Have you ever thought of
what would happen to your loved ones should this gruesome fate befall you?

Guybrush: Well, no, but, but...

Stan: Well, of course you have plenty of time to think about it. *(in a deep,
scary voice)* OR DO YOU?  I'm one of the lucky ones.  I've been dead.  It's
given me a whole new perspective on life!  A life that I'm going to devote to
making sure people's life insurance needs are met.  Here.  Take one of my
business cards I've had made up.

He takes out the business card and shows it to Guybrush, who takes it.

Guybrush: If you've been locked in that coffin, how were you able to have
business cards made?

Stan: Now's not the time to worry about the technicalities, son.  Now's the
time to ask yourself: Are you covered?  Run along now, and let me set up my
office.  Hmm?

Guybrush: We're trapped in here!  The door's locked!

Stan: Nonsense!  This is one of Stan's Kozy Krypts, all equipped with a
patented Secure-Lok [sic] Release Mechanism.  Just jiggle the handle there.

Guybrush walks up to the cage door and jiggles the handle, and the door opens
up, leaving him free to exit the cemetery and return to the hotel.

[If you go to Mort's house in the cemetery and try to open the doors]

Guybrush: It's locked tight.

[Examine the crack between the doors after attempting to open them]

Guybrush: There's someone in there.

[Talk to the crack between doors after attempting to open them]

Scene cuts to the interior of Mort's house where Mort is reading.

Guybrush: (off-camera) What's a guy gotta do to get into one of these crypts?

Mort: Drop dead.

Once Guybrush is out of the cemetery and inside the hotel...

Guybrush: Hi, guys!  I guess you'll be wondering how I came to be back from the
dead. *(looks around)* No questions for the dead guy come back to life? *(looks
around again)* No questions like: "Is there life after death?" or "Is there a
heaven?"  "Will there be adequate parking?" *(after a brief pause...)* Fine!
Be that way!  I wouldn't tell you about the hereafter if you BEGGED me!

Afterwards he speaks to Griswold again, who looks at him unamused.

Guybrush: I thought if I died, I'd be buried with your aunt.

Griswold: (shrugs his shoulders) Well, isn't it obvious?  You can't be buried
in the Goodsoup family crypt...  ...unless you're a member of the Goodsoup
family.

Guybrush: A member of the family, eh?

After some pause, he thinks up an idea.

Guybrush: Uncle Griswold!  It's me!  Don't you recognize me?

Griswold: Recognize you?  I've never seen you before in my life!  What is your
name?

Guybrush starts thinking up some soupy names, like "Hearty Beef 'n' Potato,"
"Vegetable," "Split Pea with Ham," or "Wonton," before deciding on...

Guybrush: Vegetable.

Griswold: (confused) Vegetable?

Guybrush: I'm from California.

Griswold: Hmmm.  I don't recall having any relatives with that name.

Guybrush: Look at me!  Don't I look just like a Goodsoup?

Griswold: No, you don't look much like a Goodsoup at all.  In fact, you look
more like one of the Brothschilds.  They always did have weak features.

Guybrush: Are you sure?

Griswold: Of course I'm sure!  Every day, I wander the Goodsoup family hall of
portraits...  ...and give my respects to each of my distinguished ancestors.
Every distinguishing feature of the Goodsoup family is there in those pictures.
And I see nothing in any of those portraits that might remind me of you.

After some pause and an idea again...

Guybrush: I'm off to explore the rustic charms of Blood Island.

[Examine the portrait near the stairs]

Guybrush: It's a shameless ad for grog.

[Try to pick up the portrait]

Guybrush: Hmmm... no.

[If you go upstairs and back downstairs and examine the portrait again]

Guybrush: There's something odd about this poster.

[Go upstairs and back down and examine the portrait a third time]

Guybrush: I can't quite figure out what's odd about this poster.

[If you examined the portrait and pull the chain a few times on the neon grog
sign near the spare room door, the images on the neon sign will move faster and
faster.  If you pull the chain once more, the images will stop moving, and if
you pull the chain once again, the images make a normal movement once more.
Afterwards, if you examine the portrait near the stairs for a sixth time after
going upstairs and back down again a few more times...]

Guybrush: I've figured out what's wrong with this poster!  It's her eye!  No
matter where I walk it always appears to be watching me. *(turns to the
camera)* Pictures like that really creep me out.

[Examine the portrait again]

Guybrush: Hmmm.

He goes into the hallway and goes up the stairs to the second-floor foyer, then
opens the door to the left room, where he goes to the nail on the wall near the
portraits of the members of the VanSalad family, then takes out the mallet and
hammers the nail through the wall before looking around and putting the mallet
away.  He then exits into the foyer to find that the portrait frame had fallen
off the wall.  He takes the portrait of Baron C. Lambert Chowder-Goodsoup,
rolls it up, and puts it away.

Guybrush: Hmmm.  I'd better get rid of this incriminating picture frame.

He walks away from the frame a bit, takes out the magic wand, and points it at
the frame and waves it around.  With a wave of the wand, the frame vanishes in
a puff of smoke, then he puts the wand away with a smile.  After a few seconds
of pause, his smile fades as he turns to the camera.

Guybrush: What?

He then picks up the nail where the picture frame once stood, then goes up to
the back door and tries opening it, but...

Guybrush: It's locked.

He takes out Stan's laminated business card and puts it into the card slot on
the door, unlocking it.

Guybrush: I guess I'm better at this pirating thing than I thought!  It worked!

He opens the door to the back room and goes in.

[Examine the wardrobe]

Guybrush: It's a really musty-smelling wardrobe.

[Try to open the wardrobe]

Guybrush: It's so musty that I don't want to open it up.

He goes to the bed and pulls on its handle, revealing a skeletal corpse with a
blue book lying on its lap.

[Examine the skeleton]

Guybrush: Wow.  I'll bet his room charges are pretty hefty right now.

[Examine the bed]

Guybrush: Looks comfortable.

[Try to use the lone nail with the bed]

Guybrush: One nail will never be enough to hold down this bed.

He tries to take the book, but the bed retracts against the wall.

Guybrush: I can't reach it.

He pulls the bed back from the wall, takes out the coffin nails and hammers
them down into the bed, then puts the hammer away.

Guybrush: I'm not sure if that's strong enough to hold it.  I might need one
more nail.

He takes out the remaining nail and hammers it down into the bed, then puts the
hammer away again.

Guybrush: There.  The bed has been nailed down.  That ought to do it.

[Try to push the skeleton]

Guybrush: Gross.

Guybrush is now able to take the book from the bed and read it.

Guybrush: "The Goodsoups: A Life in Pictures by M.M. Goodsoup"

He then takes out the scissors and cuts out the portrait of the baron's face
with it.

Guybrush: There.  I've cut out the face.

He exits the back room, then goes to the left room door, takes out the newly-
faceless portrait, and places it onto its porthole, then enters the left room,
shuts its door, and peeks through its porthole.  After some time Griswold is
in the upstairs foyer going through the portraits.

Griswold: Ah, there's nothing like family!  No matter what may happen in the
topsy-turvy world of the Caribbean resort business...  ...I can always relax in
the knowledge that I come from good, wealthy stock.  Breeding!  That's what's
important.  Breeding, and culture.  Just like Grandfather Lambert.

He turns around before continuing.

Griswold: Breeding, culture, and lots and lots of really old money.  Mmm.  It
makes a man proud.

He puts his hand to his chin in thought, then looks at the "portrait" in awe.

Griswold: That's funny, I don't remember Grandfather Lambert as looking so...
mmm, so  ...common.

He turns around again and thinks a bit.

Griswold: (Oooh, weird, it's like his eyes follow me.  Pictures like that
really creep me out.)

After Griswold leaves, Guybrush stops looking through the porthole, then exits
the left room and goes back downstairs and out of the hotel, back to the
cemetery, where he enters the common crypt that is now a Mutual of Stan.  

Stan: Welcome back to Mutual of Stan!

Guybrush goes to Stan, who looks at some certificate, then places it down,
shows it to him, and puts it away.  Guybrush speaks with him.

Guybrush: You've convinced me.  I want to buy some insurance.

Stan: A wise choice, and one you won't soon regret.  The question isn't whether
or not you can afford to buy an insurance policy...  It's whether you can
afford NOT to.  Speaking of which, CAN you afford to buy an insurance policy?

Guybrush: Well... how much does it cost?

Stan: Oh, that depends on a variety of factors: how much coverage you need...
...how much you're willing to spend...  ...all sorts of highly complicated,
sliding-scale insurance equations and such.  But I won't bore you with all
that.  Just let me ask you this: How much money do you have?

Guybrush: Well, I've got these wooden nickels!

Stan: (frowns) I see.  Maybe I've confused you somewhere along the line.  While
nothing would please me more to send you out of here...  ...with the peace of
mind that your family will be provided for in the unlikely event of your
death...  I have to run a business here.  If you can't at least show me some
collateral, I can't give you a policy.

Guybrush thinks for a bit, then...

Guybrush: How about an enormous, uncursed diamond?

Stan: How about that?  Do you HAVE an enormous, uncursed diamond?

Guybrush: Okay, no...  ...but I'm, like, this close to getting one.

Stan: Well, I'm this close to believing that you're trying to take advantage of
my generosity.  Maybe you'd like to make me a serious offer.  Hmmm?

Guybrush thinks some more with "This antique bottle..."

Guybrush: This antique, hand-crafted bottle of rich, creamy shaving soap.  The
closest, most comfortable shave possible!

Stan: Surely you're joking.

Guybrush thinks some more with "This one-of-a-kind refrigerator magnet..."

Guybrush: This one-of-a-kind Big Whoop refrigerator magnet.  Very collectable.

Stan: Not interested.

[If you still have the coffin nails]

Guybrush thinks some more with "These coffin nails..."

Guybrush: Coffin nails.  All shapes and sizes.  Hardly ever used.

Stan: Surely you're joking.

Guybrush: (thinks some more, then...) This fine cane-handled umbrella.  Makes a
great gift!

Stan: I don't think so.

Guybrush thinks some more with "This attractive mallet and chisel..."

Guybrush: This attractive mallet and chisel combination set.  Use them
separately, or as a pair!

Stan: I don't think so.

Guybrush: (thinks some more, then...) An assortment of tarot cards.  Practice
the mystic art of fortune-telling at home or on vacation!

Stan: No.

[If you still have the tip jar and its lid]

Guybrush thinks some more with "This durable mason jar..."

Guybrush: This durable, high-impact glass mason jar.  Includes lid, at no extra
cost to you.

Stan: Surely you're joking.

Guybrush: (thinks some more, then...) This highly-accurate map to Blood Island!
I absolutely guarantee you won't find another one just like it.

Stan: Surely you're joking.

Running out of items to think up, Guybrush suddenly remembers "this authentic
pirate tooth" and says...

Guybrush: This authentic pirate relic.  A genuine tooth from an actual pirate!
Only one of its kind.

He puts Blondebeard's gold tooth on the coffin.

Stan: Is that real gold?

Guybrush: The finest known to man.  Not much spit on it, either, anymore.

Stan takes the gold tooth.

Stan: Now you're starting to speak my language.  All right!  Let's find a
coverage plan that suits your needs.

He hands over the life insurance policy to Guybrush, who takes it.

Stan: And you can rest assured that you've provided for your family well after
your unfortunate departure.

Guybrush: What are the terms of this plan, exactly?

Stan: It's quite simple, son.  When you die, whoever holds that policy gets a
lot of money.

Guybrush: A lot of money!  Wow!

Stan: "Wow!" is right!  Now, I want you to be careful out there.

Guybrush: Okay, I will.  Thanks!

Stan: No, I'm serious.  I want you to be very, very careful.

Guybrush: Will do!

[If you enter and exit about 35-40 times before you return to the Mutual of
Stan again...]

Stan is nowhere to be seen, except for a little figure caught in a spider's web
underneath a spider that is similar to a LucasArts™ game "The Dig", and the
spider comes down and consumes the figure.

With his plans ready, Guybrush exits the Mutual of Stan and returns to the
hotel's interior, where he speaks with Griswold again.

Guybrush: Look at me!  Don't I look just like a Goodsoup?

Griswold: (realizes) Now that you mention it...  ...you do bear a slight
resemblance to my great-grandfather C. Lambert Goodsoup.

Guybrush: Clammy?  Why, folks back home used to tell me all the time...
"You're the spitting image of Old Chowder Goodsoup!"

Griswold: You know, I think you're right. *(shrugs his shoulders)* Ah, I wonder
why I didn't see it before.

Guybrush: I could just talk about Goodsoup history all day.

Griswold: How about that first fateful journey made to the Caribbean?

Guybrush: Oh, you mean the one that...

He takes out the Goodsoup Family History book and reads it.

Guybrush: ...Baron Salmon Bisque de Goodsoup began in 1621?

Griswold: Exactly.  He landed on Scabb Island with just a spoon and a dream.
In just four short years, he had formed the largest chain of all-soup
restaurants in the western hemisphere!  By 1635, he had driven the entire
VanSalad family out of the Caribbean...  ...and had a restaurant empire that
spanned the globe!

Guybrush: (correcting him) Actually, the VanSalads were not driven out until
1637...  ...and the Goodsoup chain of restaurants and resorts never did become
popular in the South Pacific.

After a few seconds of pause...

Griswold: Yeah. *(mumbles)* Uh, uh, uh.  Alright.  Whatever.  Hmmm.

Guybrush closes the book and puts it away.

Griswold: (shrugs his shoulders in belief) Well, son, it looks like you were
right.  Welcome back to the glorious name of Goodsoup!

Guybrush: (speechless) I'm, uh, honored.

Griswold: And as a Goodsoup, you're welcome to every benefit the name
provides...  ...instant prestige around Blood Island...  ...a ten-percent
discount in any of the Goodsoup resorts in the Caribbean...  ...and, of course,
medical, dental, and a 401K.  And the best thing of all...  ...if you should
happen to drop dead, you will be buried in the extravagant Goodsoup family
crypt!

Guybrush: (in wonder) It's as if all my dreams have come true.

As if his heart is about to break that he may never see his "distant cousin"
again, or obtain any of his dreams, with his life insurance on his side,
Guybrush nevertheless speaks with Griswold one more time.

Guybrush: I'd like a drink, please.

Griswold: Here you go, laddie.

He takes out the drink regardless of choice and puts it on the counter.  Though
it pains him that he has to break Griswold's poor old heart too soon, Guybrush
reluctantly has to fulfill the Voodoo Lady's "death" prediction once again by
pouring the Head-B-Clear remedy into the drink and fizzing it up.  He then
calmly gathers up his courage again, makes like Juliet Capulet and takes the
mug, drinking up the spiked drink in a few gulps, then places the mug back on
the counter and wipes his mouth with his sleeve.  Knowing he has OD'ed himself
again, he turns around, and a split second later he clutches his neck and
chokes up again before falling down unconscious onto the floor once again.
Scene cuts once more to black for a few seconds before slowly fading back to
the hotel once again, with Mort the Gravedigger near a grieving Griswold and
his "dead distant cousin".

Griswold: Oh, dear!  He's had a sudden and completely unexpected relapse of
death! *(shrugs his shoulders)* Ah, and just as we were getting reacquainted!
As his kinsman, it is my duty to give him a proper burial!  It is my solemn
vow...  ...my dear Vegetable Goodsoup...  ...shall be buried in the Goodsoup
family crypt!

Guybrush: (thinks in a whispered voice-over) All right!

Scene cuts to the interior of the Goodsoup family crypt hours later, as
Guybrush, now awakened once more from his faked death, starts breaking the lid
of the marble coffin, which soon shatters into pieces, then gets up and out of
the coffin.

[Examine the coffin]

Guybrush: Ominous.

[Examine the door]

Guybrush: It goes out to the cemetery.

He sees a crumbling hole in the ceiling.

Guybrush: Hey!  There's a hole in the ceiling of this crypt!  I think I might
be able to squeeze through!

He pops in through the crypt and sees... a forest that fits the scenery of the
early PC version of "The Secret of Monkey Island", with his head showing and
looking on from a tree stump.

Guybrush: Wow!  It's a tunnel that opens on a deep dark forest! *(looks around
a bit)* It looks...  ...familiar, somehow.  As if I've seen it in a dream...
Or maybe it's...  ...I don't know.

He hears a roar and looks behind him in fright.

Guybrush: Great jumpin' monkeys!  A terrifying horde of stunningly-rendered
rabid jaguars!  They're coming right at me!

He quickly pops back into the crypt and turns to the camera.

Guybrush: Whew!  It's a good thing I couldn't get through that hole!  I'd be
done for!

[Examine the crumbling hole again]

Guybrush returns to the TSoMI forest again.

Guybrush: The hole is too small for me to squeeze through. *(looks around
again)* Eh, there's nothing interesting up here anyway.  I'd better find
another way out. *(returns to the crypt)*

He walks further into the crypt, where he sees a ghost bride near her coffin.

Guybrush: (in fright) Yikes!

[Examine the ghost bride]

Guybrush: It's a ghost in a bride's gown.  She looks very sad and lonely.

He calms down and decides to talk with her.

Guybrush: Ahem.

She turns around to see him and smiles.

Ghost Bride: Oh, hello there.

Guybrush: Who are you and what are you doing here?

Ghost Bride: (introduces herself) I am Minnie Goodsoup, last in a long line of
eligible Goodsoup debutantes.  I was buried here exactly one week after my
wedding day.  A wedding day that never came.

Guybrush: What happened?

Minnie: (sighs) I was the belle of Blood Island.

Guybrush: How many people can claim THAT?

Minnie: Oh, how the lads adored me.  I was courted by the richest, most
handsome men in the Caribbean.  But all my suitors bored me to tears.  I wanted
someone dangerous.  I wanted... a pirate!  By the way, what do you do for a
living?

Guybrush: (pretending) Flooring inspector.

Minnie: Oh.  Then one day, a real pirate sailed his ship into the bay.  I fell
for him instantly and we became engaged.  But he left me standing at the altar,
and I died of a broken heart.

After a few seconds' pause...

Guybrush: Wow.  That bites.

Minnie: Oh, I know.

Guybrush: Were there any other suitors you found attractive?

Minnie: Well, *(giggles)* there was ONE I could have fallen for.  Young Charles
DeGoulash.  He had such a radiant smile!

Guybrush: What happened to him?

Minnie: You know it's funny, I don't know.  He checked into the hotel one night
and I never saw him again.

Guybrush: Go into the light!

Minnie: (sighs) If only it were that easy!  I'm afraid I can never leave this
crypt until I marry.  Are you attached?

Guybrush: Yesyesyesyesyesyesyes.

Or:

Guybrush thinks of saying "No," but then changes the subject.

Guybrush: You bet!

Minnie: What a shame.  You sure have purty eyes. [NOTE: Strange how she
addresses the word "pretty" as "purty".]

Guybrush: <Gulp.> *(after some brief pause...)* Hey, nice ring!

Minnie: (breaks down) <sob>

Guybrush: Was it something I said?

Minnie: I hate this ring!  It's been passed down from mother to daughter in the
Goodsoup family for generations.  It was to be my wedding ring, until that evil
pirate stole the diamond and left me.  Left me here to die of a broken heart!

Guybrush: Where's the diamond for your ring?

Minnie: It's gone!  He took it!

Guybrush: Who took it?

Minnie: My love!  My honeycakes!  My widdle schnoobums!  My LeChuck!

Guybrush: (surprised) LeChuck is your schnoobums!?

Minnie: He pried the diamond from its setting during the rehearsal dinner.
<sob> Oh, what a fool I was!  He told me he was taking it out to get some fresh
air!

Guybrush: Where did LeChuck take the diamond?

Minnie: The CAD!  The FIEND!  He sold it to the smugglers of Skull Island!
It's just SO humiliating!  I could just die!

Guybrush: Since you're... uh... not using it, can I have your engagement band?

Minnie: This ring will remain on my finger until I have a wedding band to
replace it.

Guybrush: How do I get out of this crypt?

Minnie: There's no way out of this crypt for either of us.  I must haunt this
lonely tomb until I've married a man I truly love.  And you can't leave because
the door's locked.

Guybrush: This is just a shade too creepy for me.  I'm leaving!

He moves onto the back room and examines the family crest on a tomb.

Guybrush: (reads) "Goodsoup is Food"

All of a sudden he hears a familiar voice again.

Voice: *(giggle)*

Nevertheless, he takes a crowbar from a coffin lid while the voice continues.

Voice: This is going to be so cool!

Guybrush attempts to look through a crack in the wall when...

Murray: (jumps down in front of Guybrush) DIIIIEEEE!!! *(looks up at him)*
Ohhh... I'm not going to do that again...  I think I broke my skull.  I'm all
skull.

Guybrush: (smiles) It's your own fault!  Stop scaring me like that!

Murray: So I did scare you?  Really?

Guybrush: Well, startled is more like it.

Murray: Ohhhhh...

Guybrush: But, but startled in a terrified kind of way!  You really are very
very scary!

Murray: Don't talk down to me!

Guybrush: I really don't have any choice.

Murray: I saw you get out of that crypt.  Does this mean that you're dead?

Guybrush: No, I was only faking.

Murray: (sulks) Darn.  I thought together we could walk among the living and
spawn a new wave of terror throughout the Caribbean.

Guybrush: So what you're saying is that you only love me for my legs.

Murray: Something like that.

Guybrush talks to him.

Guybrush: Hi, Murray.

Murray: Ohhh... it hurts...

Guybrush kneels down to pick him up.

Murray: Hey!

[Use the tofu mask in the back room of the crypt]

Guybrush puts on the tofu mask, whose top half shows some light as he turns to
the camera.

Guybrush: Ick. *(takes off the mask)* I can barely see out of that mask.

He then goes to the crack in the wall and looks through it to see Mort the
Gravedigger relaxing in his bed in his room and reading something.  Guybrush
decides to talk to him.

Guybrush: (off-camera) Hey!  Mister!  Help!

Guybrush's voice startles Mort.

Mort: (looks up in wonder) What?  Who's there?  Who said that?  Who's scarin'
poor old Mort the gravedigger?

Guybrush: (off-camera) There's been a horrifying mistake!  I've been buried
alive in the Goodsoup family crypt!

Mort pays no attention and goes back to reading.

Mort: All right!  This joke has gone far enough!  You kids should be ashamed of
yourselves!

Guybrush: (off-camera) It's no joke!  I'm really trapped in here!

Mort waves his arm in shunned ignorance.

Mort: Crazy kids with your long hair and your Baroque music...  ...fool me
once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.

Guybrush: (off-camera) This isn't a trick!  I'm REALLY trapped in this crypt!
I drank a special potion that put me into a coma.  Thinking I was dead, they
buried me in this crypt.

Mort: Yeah!  RIGHT!  They did that in the book "Never Trade Lunches with a
Corpse."  If you kids ever came up with an original idea, I might believe you.

Guybrush: (off-camera) Just come and look at me through this crack.

Mort: (still ignorant) Oh, SURE!  I turn my back to the door, and you thieving
little hoodlums...  ...will sneak up from behind and tie me up!  I read all
about your sinister ways in my horror novels!  So, nothin' doin'!

Guybrush: (repeats off-camera) Just come and look at me through this crack.

Mort: No way, buster!

Guybrush: (off-camera) Curses!  You've seen through my web of deceit!  I'm no
ordinary man trapped in a crypt!

Mort: Well, what are you then?

Guybrush: (off-camera) I seek the Golden Rods of C'thon to bring peace to the
shire!

Mort: Do you bear the mark of Tx'Plc'k, the chosen one foretold by the Scrolls
of the Third Shadow?

Guybrush: (off-camera) I was hoping you wouldn't ask.  What I meant to say
was...  My faster than light ship is trapped in a subspace anomaly!

Mort: You have no ship!  Any true warp traveler would know that reversing the
polarity of the ion flux field...  ...would result in a tachyon expansion wave,
creating a trail of neutrinos that could be followed out of the anomaly.

Guybrush: (off-camera) What I meant to say was...  I'm an angry and deranged
ghost haunting this crypt!

Mort: Then let me see you appear before me!

Guybrush: (off-camera) Excuse me?

Mort: If you were a REAL spirit you could materialize in a ghostly form.  It's
ALL in the books.

He gets up and looks around again before going back to reading.

Mort: Well... let's see it!

Guybrush: (off-camera) Isn't the ominous sound of my disembodied voice proof
enough? *(pauses a bit, then...)* I guess not.

After some thinking again...

Guybrush: (persistent off-camera) Bwahahahaha!  Fear me!  I'm an evil ghost!

Mort: Then go ahead.  Show your ghastly visage.

Guybrush: (off-camera) I can't.  I'm shy.

Mort: You're no ghost!

Guybrush: (off-camera) I'm going to haunt you until you set me free.

Mort: (repeats) Then go ahead.  Show your ghastly visage.

Guybrush: (off-camera) Not right now.

Mort: You're no ghost!

Guybrush: (resigns off-camera, then...) You must love horror stories to own all
these collectibles.

Mort: Reading fantastic stories about the dead helps me keep my mind off my
work.

Guybrush: (off-camera) Why are you wasting your money on all this bad fiction?

Mort: At least MY bad fiction doesn't require over a thousand dollars in
hardware!

Guybrush: (off-camera) I see your point. *(after a brief pause again...)* LET
ME OUT OF THIS CRYPT!

Mort waves his arm in shunned ignorance again.

Mort: I'm not falling for your tricks THIS time!  Just leave me alone and let
me read my horror novels!

After some resignation again...

Guybrush: (off-camera) I'm going to go sulk in the darkness now.

Mort: Have a good time.

[Try to pick up the lantern]

Guybrush: (off-camera) I can't reach.

[Try to use the skeleton arm onto the lantern without paste]

Guybrush tries reaching for the lantern with the skeleton arm and touches it,
but the arm falls from the lantern onto the table without grabbing it.  He
pulls the arm away.

Guybrush: (off-camera) That can reach the lantern, but it won't grab hold.

After some thinking, Guybrush gets an idea.  He puts the paste onto the hand on
the skeleton arm, then reaches for the lantern with it and takes it.  Mort gets
up and looks around, wondering who turned off the lights.

Guybrush: (off-camera) I've got it!

Mort: Hey!  What happened to the light?

After some pause he goes back to reading again.  Back in the crypt, Guybrush
takes out the lantern and puts it on the coffin lid, and the lantern lights up
around him.

[Use Murray anywhere else]

Guybrush: Alas, I can't use Murray with that.

[Use Murray with the crack]

Guybrush: (places Murray into the crack) Hey, Murray, be fearsome!

Murray: (off-camera) Okay!

Back at Mort's house, a tiny silhouette of Murray forms in front of Mort.

Murray: (off-camera) Booo!

Mort gets up in confusion and looks around before going back to reading again.

Murray: (off-camera) I am one of the living dead!  Fear me!  Release me!

Mort pays no attention and continues reading.

Murray: (off-camera, surprised) Hey!  Look at me!  I'm a ghost, here!

Mort still reads in jest.

Mort: That's just pathetic.

Scene cuts back to the crypt, where Guybrush takes Murray from the crack.

Guybrush: Hmmm.

[Use Murray with the crack again]

Guybrush: (places Murray into the crack) Hey, Murray, be fearsome!

Murray: (off-camera) Okay!

Back at Mort's house, a tiny silhouette of Murray forms in front of Mort again.

Murray: (off-camera) Booo!

Mort gets up in confusion and looks around before going back to reading again.

Mort: That's just pathetic.

Scene cuts back to the crypt, where Guybrush takes Murray from the crack again.

Guybrush: Hmmm.

With the lantern lit, Guybrush checks on Murray in his pocket.

Guybrush: Murray, do your stuff!

He takes out Murray from his pocket and holds him out to the lantern.

Murray: Okay!

Scene cuts to Mort's room, where Mort is still reading.

Murray: (off-camera) Boo!

Back at the crypt, Guybrush makes an evil ghostly pose, still holding Murray,
and the scene cuts to Mort's room, where a silhouette of a demon now forms in
front of Mort, who looks at it, and then jumps in fright, tossing the book.

Mort: Ahhh!

He ducks and cowers under the covers at the sight, and Murray's voice speaks to
him.

Murray: (off-camera) Mortal fool!  Release me from this wretched tomb!  I must
be set free or I will haunt you forever!  I will hide your keys beneath the
cushions of your upholstered furniture...  ...and NEVERMORE will you be able to
find socks that match!

Mort: (in fright) All right, hang on, I'm coming.

Back at the crypt, Guybrush finishes posing and stows Murray away in his
pocket.

Guybrush: Great work, Murray!

Murray: (off-camera) I... I was terrifying, wasn't I?  My demonic powers have
made me OMNIPOTENT!  Bwahahahahahahaha!

The lantern suddenly goes out.

Guybrush: Uh oh.  Looks like the lantern ran out of oil.

There is a click as the crypt door opens.

Mort: (off-camera) There!  It's open!  Now shuffle off and give me peace!

[Talk to Minnie again]

Guybrush: Uh, hi.

She turns around to see him and smiles again.

Minnie: Hello again, handsome.

[The same conversation repeats again.  If Guybrush exits the conversation...]

Guybrush: I'll just check back in with you later.

With the door open, Guybrush exits the crypt, and takes Murray to the Mutual of
Stan.

Murray: (off-camera) Hey... Hey Guybrush...  There sure are a lot of skeletons
in here.

Guybrush: Uh-oh.

Murray: (off-camera) Quick, pull the head off one and stick me on top of the
spine!

Guybrush: (nervous) I don't think I want you walking around freely, Murray.

Murray: (off-camera) Oh, please!

Guybrush: I'm getting out of here.

Guybrush exits the Mutual and then looks into his pocket.

Guybrush: Well, Murray, are you ready to continue our heady adventuring? *(no
answer)* Murray? *(looks around)* Where'd he go?

With no time for questions, Guybrush exits the cemetery gate to the sound of
bats flying.  He enters the hotel again, where he sees Griswold again.

Guybrush: (chuckles) Hey!  What an amazing story I have to tell!  I was dead,
but I live again!  Who wants to hear about it?

He looks around for an answer, but finds none.

Guybrush: (frowns) Eh, you guys don't deserve to hear a good story!

He goes into the spare room, and looks at a death certificate in the file
cabinet.

Guybrush: (reads) "This hereby certifies that...  ...Vegetable Goodsoup...
...met his demise (at least once) on Blood Island."

He takes the death certificate out of the file cabinet, exits the spare room,
and goes upstairs to the back room at the second floor foyer, where he looks at
the boarded hole near the skeleton's bed.

Guybrush: The Murphy bed has slammed up so many times it's made a hole in the
wall.

Getting an idea, he takes out the crowbar, and the scene cuts back downstairs
where a prying sound is heard, making Griswold Goodsoup jump up in fright.
Another sound of wood being pried out is heard, and a few seconds later the
scene cuts back to the back room, where a gaping hole is now made.

[Examine the gaping hole]

Guybrush: I can see the Goodsoup crypt from here.

He then goes to the Murphy bed, takes out the crowbar, and pries it off the
floor, launching the skeleton of Charles DeGoulash out of the hotel.  Afterward
Guybrush puts the crowbar away and watches as the skeleton flies out before
releasing a parachute with a laugh as it slowly floats back down for a few
seconds.  Scene cuts back to the Goodsoup family crypt, where pieces of the
glass windows fall down with a smash here and there, and the skeletal corpse of
Charles DeGoulash lands in front of Minnie with a laugh before tossing the red
cloth parachute away.  She looks around to see her long lost love.

Minnie: Oh!  I'm sorry.  I didn't hear you come in.  I was just...  Charles?
Charles DeGoulash?  Is it really you?

Charles: Minnie!  It's been so long!

Minnie: (in joy) Oh Charles, it has!  It has!  You look so different?

Charles: Really?  Why, you look exactly the same.

Minnie: Oh, Charles.  How you flatter me.  Oh, but you MUST go now.

Charles: But why, now that I've found you again after all these years?

Minnie: What would our families say if they knew we were alone together on such
a romantic night?

Charles: (shy) Minnie, this may sound rash, but I...  I LOVE you, Minnie
Goodsoup!

Minnie: (surprised) Oh, Charles, you mustn't!

Charles: Oh, I can't help it!  I've always loved ya!  Do you hear!  I've always
loved ya, Minnie, and I always will!  Come away with me now!

Minnie: Elope?  Oh, but Charles!  It just isn't done!  Think of the scandal it
would cause!

Charles: To HECK with the scandal, Minnie!

Minnie: (with a smile) Oooooh!

Charles: Marry me!

Minnie: Oh, yes, Charles!  Yes!  A thousand times YES!

Charles: Then kiss me, my love!

They get close to each other and hold hands, and she kisses him on the toothy
lips as they both vanish in a puff of smoke, leaving the engagement band
falling in mid-air onto the floor as Guybrush reenters the crypt and takes it.
As he exits the crypt for the last time, scene cuts to a far-off view of Monkey
Island at night.

                  Meanwhile, somewhere beneath Monkey Island...

After a few seconds, scene cuts to the Carnival of the Damned, where LeChuck
and his minions and Dinghy Dog™ are gathered at table.

LeChuck: Have you found her, ya cadaverous canine?

Dinghy Dog™: (looks around) Hyuk!  Uh... nope!  Nope!  She's not on Plunder
Island, Captain LeChuck!

LeChuck: (slaps him on the stomach, off-camera) Then scour the seas, ya
ossified rats!  Hunt them down then bring 'em to me!

As he speaks he waves a chicken drumstick before he continues.

LeChuck: (off-camera) Find me Guybrush Threepwood!  It's with him that ye'll
find Elaine!

Scene cuts back once more to LeChuck as he continues.

LeChuck: Burn down every island in the Caribbean if you have to, but bring me
my bride!  ...And more slaw.

He slams his fist on the table near the empty chicken tray and holds an empty
cup while he speaks.

LeChuck: Curse the villains!  They never give you enough slaw with these value
meals.

Scene cuts back to the cemetery, where Guybrush returns to the Mutual of Stan
and speaks with him as Stan checks the paper, then does the usual before
putting it away again.

Guybrush: I'm cashing in this insurance policy.  Give me a lot of money.

Stan: But this is a LIFE insurance policy.  You collect when the policy holder
dies.

Guybrush: No, honest!  I WAS dead for a really long time!

Stan: And you just "got better?"

Guybrush: Well, yes.

Stan: Do you have any proof of this miracle?

Guybrush: As a matter of fact, smart guy...  I've got your proof right here!

He places the death certificate on the coffin before continuing.

Guybrush: A death certificate!

Stan: Well, this must be some kind of mistake.

Guybrush: Uh-uh.  It's right there, in high-res black-and-white.  I died.  Give
me a lot of money.

Stan takes the certificate and looks through a few pages, then touches his chin
and thinks for a few seconds, reads again, then places the pages back down
again.

Stan: Hmmm... It looks like I'm left with no choice but to acquiesce.

Guybrush: No!  Just give me my money!

Stan: That's what I mean.

He holds up the certificate again, then puts it away and places a lot of the
pieces of eight onto the coffin.

Guybrush: (realizes) Oh.  Thanks.

Guybrush takes the insurance money.

[Talk to Stan again]

Guybrush: Excuse me, but...

Stan: Sorry, son, no time to chat.  Every second I spend talking to you is a
second taken away from my loyal customers!

Guybrush: So I'm not a loyal customer?

Stan: Frankly, no.  You're a bit of a high risk.

Guybrush: High risk?  I'm young, don't smoke...  ...and I run away screaming
from any sort of life-threatening situation.

Stan: And yet you still have this tendency to die and then reanimate and take
my money.

Guybrush: Well, there IS that...

[Try to drink from the water cooler]

Guybrush: Pirates don't drink purified water.

He returns to the Goodsoup hotel, where he takes the mirror from the mirror
frame and replaces it with the face of Baron Chowder-Goodsoup.  Just then
Griswold gets angry.

Griswold: You just stole that mirror, didn't you?

Guybrush: No, I didn't!  It's right there!  Look!

Griswold looks at the face of Baron Chowder-Goodsoup, which he mistakes for his
own face, then turns back to Guybrush.

Griswold: Hmm.  I guess you're right.  Oh dear, I'm starting to look old.

Guybrush: It's from all that drinking.

Griswold: Mind your own business.

Guybrush then takes the empty jar before Griswold looks at him in anger again.

Griswold: That jar's for my tips!  Put it back!

Guybrush: (innocently) But I was going to put a whole lot of money in it...
...too much for me to carry around with me...  ...so I'm going to have to take
it with me and fill it up.

Griswold: (convinced) Oh.  Okay, then.

Guybrush exits the hotel for the final time, then returns to the windmill and
tries opening the door under the rotating windmill blades.

Guybrush: It's locked.

He then goes to the windmill blades, then takes out the umbrella and uses it as
a hook on one of the blades, which lifts him up onto the second story balcony.

[Examine the barrel]

Guybrush: It's full of fermenting sugar water used for making rum.

He takes out the empty jar and scoops up the sugar water from the barrel, then
puts it away.

Guybrush: It's full of sugar-water now.

He goes back down through the second-story door and unlocks the entrance door
from inside after a few seconds.  He exits the windmill and goes onto a forest
clearing near the beach where the statue of Elaine is, and looks at it.

Guybrush: Elaine looks like she's all right. *(shouts)* HANG... ON... HONEY!
I'M... GOING... TO... GET... YOU... OUT... OF... THIS... MESS!

[Examine Elaine]

Guybrush: Eh, it doesn't look like she's hurt...  ...well, except for that
whole turned-to-gold-by-a-pirate-curse thing.

[Examine the fireflies]

Guybrush: They sure are bright.

He goes to the stump where the fireflies are, then places the jar of sugar
water onto it.

Guybrush: It's full of yummy, delicious sugar water!  Mmmm... bet that water
sure tastes good!

Just then the fireflies enter the jar, making it glow up with illuminated
light.  He then uses the auger onto the jar lid, creating some air holes.

Guybrush: There.  I've poked holes in it.

He seals the jar with the holed-up lid, then takes the jar.

Guybrush: They're trapped inside and glowing like mad!

He exits the clearing and goes to the lighthouse on the rocks near the beach,
where...

Guybrush: Boy!  It's windy up here!

He takes out the makeshift lantern and puts it onto the lantern post.

Guybrush: Perfect.

[Examine the mirror to the left of the lantern]

Guybrush: It's broken.

He then replaces the broken mirror with the shiny new one, and the lantern's
light deflects off the mirror, making it glow in brightness again.

Guybrush: The lighthouse is working now.

He exits the lighthouse and returns to the beach, where a mysterious figure and
his boat now appear on the shore.  Guybrush goes there and speaks with the
mysterious figure.

Guybrush: Who are you?

Lost Welshman: I... I am the LOST WELSHMAN!

Guybrush: Ooooh.

Lost Welshman: I am the ferryman between here and Skull Island...  ...trapped
for so very long in the icy ocean mists. *(in a normal voice)* Oh, how I hate
that blasted mist.

Guybrush: Really?  I like mist.  I think it's pretty.

Lost Welshman: Well, SURE, mist is pretty!  But EGAD, is it dull.

Guybrush: I'd like a ride out to Skull Island, please.

Lost Welshman: I will never again dare that wretched fog without a compass.
Once too often did I tempt fate...  ...and just look what it did to my clothes.
Just look at me!  I'm soaked!

Guybrush: Well, you know, I just happen to have a compass right here.

Lost Welshman: Then, poor mortal, I will show you the way.  Rough seas and
untold dangers await you on the mysterious Skull Island.

Guybrush: I'm not afraid!

Lost Welshman: You will be. *(in a rough, scary voice)* You WILL be.

Nevertheless, Guybrush goes onto the Welshman's boat, which then rows down
south and then further east, until they arrive at their destination.

Lost Welshman: Even the bravest of men must dread the horror of this place.
Steel your courage, boy!  Now!  Before you gaze upon the terrible, horrible
face of...  ...SKULL ISLAND!

As he is finishing his sentence, camera quickly moves up to the summit of Skull
Island, which turns out to be duck-shaped.  Thunderbolts flash upon the duck-
shaped mountain.

Guybrush: (off-camera) That's a duck!

Lost Welshman: (off-camera) What are you talking about?  Don't you see the
skull?

Guybrush: (off-camera) This island doesn't look like a skull at all!  It looks
like a great big, enormous duck!  It should be called Duck Island!

Lost Welshman: (off-camera) Well, ya see... ya gotta squint and sorta turn your
head and...  Ooooooooh!  It's just SO scary!

Guybrush: (off-camera, unamused) If you squint and turn your head it looks like
a bunny.

Camera moves back down as the Welshman continues.

Lost Welshman: Well, anyway... see that light up there on the cliff face?
That's Smuggler's Cave.  It's run by King André, the greatest smuggler in the
world...  ...and his nefarious assistant, Cruff.

Guybrush: But how do I get up there?

Lost Welshman: You have to go to the top of the cliff.

Guybrush: Won't you be coming with me?

Lost Welshman: No.  You must go alone.  There will be someone there who will
help you.  But I warn you... beware of King André.  He is as ruthless as he is
bald.  Good luck.

Guybrush: Thanks.

Minutes later he arrives at the cliff, where he sees a winch operator near a
dumbwaiter and examines him.

Guybrush: I bet he can help me find the Smugglers' Cave.

Nevertheless, Guybrush decides to speak with him.

Guybrush: Hello.  Can you tell me how to find the evil smugglers of Skull
Island?

Operator: Beats me.  Oh, wait a second. *(giggles)* Uh, I-I-I think I remember
something about that...  ...at the Orientation Seminar.  Let me think...  The
cave is halfway down this sheer cliff face.  Climb on board this dumbwaiter!
I, I, I'll lower you down.

Guybrush: It looks pretty rickety.  Are you sure it's safe?

Operator: No.  Never used it before.  But I... I'm sure it can't be THAT
dangerous.  I'm a temp here.  Th-the usual elevator operator, uh, Brawnbeard,
uh, he's sick, so I'm filling in.

Guybrush: I guess that'll be O.K.  What's your name?

Operator: It's LaFoot.

Guybrush: Would you lower me down to the smugglers' cave?

LaFoot: Su-sure, I can do that.  You, you must weigh no more than, say, twenty
pounds, right?

Guybrush: Actually, more like a hundred twenty.

LaFoot: Oh.  Well, it can't hurt to try, right?

Guybrush: Now you're sure about this?

LaFoot: Oh, yeah!  You don't look that heavy at all.

Guybrush: Hmmm.

LaFoot: Is that knot tied securely? *(Guybrush looks at the dumbwaiter)* Here
we go!

While Guybrush goes to the dumbwaiter, Effete LaFoot goes to the winch and
lowers him down too fast.

Guybrush: (off-camera) Okay, give me a little bit more slack.

As LaFoot is slowly trying to turn the winch, he gets a bit weak and suddenly
lets go.

LaFoot: (embarrassed) Whoops!

Guybrush: (panicked, off-camera) Okay, that's too much slack.
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

[NOTE: I'm writing this script for what happens when you don't act fast and use
the umbrella at least once.]

Guybrush falls down too far, bounces off the cave edge and lands on a jagged
rock before he falls into the water with a splash.  He emerges from the water
seconds later, then returns to the cliff top where he speaks with LaFoot again.

LaFoot: Yes?

Guybrush: Let's try that lowering-me-down-the-cliff thing again.

LaFoot: All right.  I, I think I'm getting better at this.

Guybrush: Please be careful this time.

LaFoot: No problem!

Guybrush turns to the dumbwaiter again.

LaFoot: Here we go!

While Guybrush goes to the dumbwaiter, LaFoot goes to the winch and tries
turning the crank slowly again.

LaFoot: I got it!  I got it!

He gets a bit weak and lets go again.

LaFoot: I don't got it.

[If you fail to open the umbrella a few times]

Guybrush falls onto the jagged rocks and into the water again, where he gets
out and returns to the cliff to speak with LaFoot again.

LaFoot: Yes?

Guybrush: Do you think you'll be able to lower me down this time?

LaFoot: All right.  I, I think I'm getting better at this.

Guybrush turns to the dumbwaiter again.

LaFoot: Here we go!

While Guybrush goes to the dumbwaiter, LaFoot goes to the winch and tries
turning the crank slowly again.  After a few seconds, however, he lets go of
the crank again.

LaFoot: Whoops!

Guybrush falls onto the jagged rocks and into the water again, where he gets
out and returns to the cliff to speak with LaFoot again.

LaFoot: Yes?

Guybrush: Just try lowering me, one more time.

LaFoot: All right.  I, I think I'm getting better at this.

Guybrush turns to the dumbwaiter again.

LaFoot: Here we go!

While Guybrush goes to the dumbwaiter, LaFoot goes to the winch and tries
turning the crank slowly again.  After a few seconds, however, he lets go of
the crank again.

LaFoot: Whoops!

This time, as Guybrush is falling again, he quickly takes out the umbrella and
opens it, slowing down his fall in the nick of time.  He slowly drifts down and
lands onto the entrance of the Smuggler's Cave, where he closes the umbrella
and puts it away, then walks inside and sees two smugglers seated on the table.

Guybrush: (makes a dangerous pose) Stand aside or I'll strike you down!

Assistant: (makes a fist) Grrrr...

Guybrush: (nervous) Err... I'll strike you down with how polite and reasonable
I can be.

Smuggler King: We seem to have an unwanted visitor, Cruff.  Deal with him.

Guybrush: Darn.  Let me try that again. *(thinks a bit, then waves)* Hi there,
neighbor!  Got any diamonds?  Wouldn't you know but I'm fresh out!

Smuggler King: Go away.

Guybrush: Darn.  Let me try that again. *(thinks some more, then...)* So, uh,
where's this huge diamond you guys are supposed to have?

Cruff: (makes a fist again) Grrrr...

Smuggler King: Have at him, Cruff.

Guybrush: Darn.  Let me try that again. *(thinks some more, then...)* Good
afternoon.  I'm the new Skull Island diamond inspector...  I'm going to have to
see every diamond you've got.  Every last one. *(a flash of thunder, then...)*
Come on, people!  Chop chop!  I don't have all day!

Smuggler King: I do not like this man.  Kill him.

Guybrush: Darn.  Let me try that again. *(thinks some more, then...)* I have
got SO much money it's almost embarrassing.

Smuggler King: Well, hello!  Let's talk, Mister, ahhh...?

Guybrush: (in a James Bond-esque voice) Threepwood.  Guybrush Threepwood.

Smuggler King: Very well, Mister Threepwood...

Or:

Guybrush starts thinking up names, then...

Guybrush: (pretends) Arr, LeChuck.  Zombie Pirate LeChuck.

Smuggler King: (not buying the pretense) Very well, Mister Threepwood...

Guybrush: (surprised) Hey!  How did you know my...

Smuggler King: (interrupts) It is my BUSINESS to know who enters and leaves
Skull Island. 

The smuggler king continues on.

Smuggler King: I am King André, and this is my associate Cruff.  Were you
looking for something in particular?

Guybrush: The Goodsoup family diamond.  LeChuck stole it, you bought it, I want
it.  Now.

Cruff: (annoyed) Grrr...

Guybrush: (nervous) Please.  Sir.

André: But we have so much quality merchandise here at the Pirates' Club!

Cruff: Our prices get lower every day.

André: Everything a pirate -- or pirate in training -- could possibly want is
here... *(thunder flashes)* ...for the right price.

He clasps his hand and laughs.

André: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Guybrush: Could you not laugh like that anymore?

André: The Goodsoup diamond is the centerpiece of my collection...  ...the
fantastic energy flowing through it is the key to all my power!

Guybrush: (shrugs) So can I have it?

André: Of course you can't have it... unless you were to give me something in
return.

Guybrush: Do you expect me to talk?

André: No, Mister Threepwood!  I expect you to buy!

Guybrush: Your evil plan will never work, André!

André: But it is flawless!  A carefully-placed series of charges laid
throughout Blood Island...  ...all controlled by a network of satellites in a
geosynchronous orbit...  ...and only one man has access to the master switch.

Cruff: Uh, boss?

Thunder strikes again as André continues.

André: I am that man, Threepwood, and...

Cruff: Boss?

André: Yes, Mister Cruff?

Cruff: Ix-nay on the evil an-play.

André: Ah, yes.  Of course.

Guybrush: You're a madman!

André: Am I mad?  Am I?  HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!  Is it
madness to sit in a cave at the top of a deserted island...  ...accumulating
vast amounts of gold and jewels and stuffed animals...  ...stockpiling plunder
from across the Caribbean and passing the savings on to you?  Is that madness?
Or GENIUS?!?

Guybrush: (shrugs again) Good point.  I take it back.

André: I'm not crazy -- my prices are!

Guybrush: That diamond belongs in a museum!

André: So do Postimpressionist paintings, Mister Threepwood. *(clasps his hands
again)* So do Postimpressionist paintings.

After a brief pause again...

Guybrush: What the heck is THAT supposed to mean?

André: One day... you will understand.

Guybrush: Maybe we could make a deal.

André: As you wish.

As Guybrush steps down...

André: You are a formidable opponent, Mister Threepwood...  ...but it looks as
if our game of cat-and-mouse must cease.

[NOTE: If Guybrush falls down a bunch of times before using the umbrella to
land safely at the smuggler's cave and makes a deal with André before going to
the table, an extra event will occur along with what happens next, which I will
best describe in "3.3.: Script Miscellany" when I get a chance.  But back to
the part after Guybrush falls down at least once.]

Guybrush goes to the table before André continues.

André: It is a perfect diamond, one of the largest I've ever seen.

Guybrush: I'll take it!

André: And so it comes with a very large price.

Guybrush: Eh, enough with the hard sell.  How much?

André: It will cost you an awful lot of money.  Do you have that much?

Guybrush: Well, I have a lot of money.

Cruff: Ha!  Not enough.

André: My partner is right.  We can't give it to you for anything less than an
awful lot of money.  But perhaps we can make a deal.  My partner and I are very
fond of cards.  Eh, poker, in particular. *(clasps his hands again)* How about
a little wager?  If you can defeat us at poker, you win the diamond.

Guybrush: Sounds fair.

André: Yes.  Fair.  HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Guybrush: Could you stop laughing like that?  It's very unnerving.

André: So, Mister Threepwood.  The question is to you: Care to join us in a
game of cards?

Guybrush: Sounds fun!  Deal me in, baldy!

He sits down at the table.

André: You will have to pay to enter the game.

Guybrush: Well, how much do I need?

Cruff: Not very much.

Guybrush: Sure, I can handle that. *(checks in his pockets)* This is a lot of
money.  I'd better only give them part of it.

He takes out some pieces of eight and places them on the table.

André: Have you ever played poker before, Mister Threepwood?

Guybrush: No!  Would you believe this is my very first time?

Cruff: (laughs) Heh.  Heh.

André: Then I'll give you a brief explanation.  The game is the simplest
variety of Five-Card stud.  I deal five cards to each of us.  We show our cards
to each other, and the player with the best hand wins.

Guybrush: How do I know what makes the best hand?

André: If you have any questions, just ask us.  You do trust us, don't you?

Guybrush thinks of what to say, either "About as far as I can throw you, you
lowlife crook," "Trust you?  No chance, you filthy liar," "I trust that you
both are the lowest scum of society," or "You don't know the meaning of trust,
you thief"; but instead of attempting to offend them, he changes the subject.

Guybrush: Of course I trust you!

André: Very well.  Let us begin.

As André deals the cards...

Guybrush: No whammies!  No whammies!

Or:

Guybrush: Good cards!  Daddy needs to lift a pirate curse!

André deals five cards each, then...

André: Take a moment to look at your cards.

All three take a set of five cards each, and while they look, Guybrush sees
that he has a weak hand, so he examines the cards.

Guybrush: Two of spades, three of hearts, four of clubs, eight of clubs, and, a
king of diamonds.  What a terrible hand!

Suddenly, he gets an idea.  

[Use the tarot cards]

Guybrush: The future is in my hands!

[Use the tarot cards anywhere else]

Guybrush: Fortune-telling won't work with that.

He takes out the set of five Death tarot cards to replace the weak hand, then
places them on the table.

Guybrush: Five of a kind.  Right there.  Not even you guys can beat five of a
kind.

Cruff places his weak hand on the table, then frowns.

Cruff: Grrr...

André: (puts his weak hand on the table in astonishment) You're correct, Mister
Threepwood.  We cannot beat five of a kind.

He clasps his hands again.

André: The question remains, however, whether or not you can beat a pair.

Guybrush: A pair?

Cruff takes out his rifle and points it at Guybrush.

Cruff: A pair of murderous smugglers!

Guybrush: (surprised) Huh?

André: US, Mister Threepwood.  I'm talking about US.

Cruff: We're going to kill ya!

Guybrush: OHHHH... I get it. *(laughs)* "Whether or not you can beat a pair."
That's pretty clever.

He gets off the table and tries calming them down.

Guybrush: Now, now, gentlemen...  Let's not be too hasty.

Just then, Effete LaFoot opens the door behind the smugglers and arrives just
in time, letting in a little wind that blows out the candles as he looks
around.

LaFoot: There's a deliveryman out here with a package -- 

Before he can finish with, "is it okay if I sign for it?", which the text error
adds, the wind puts out the lights completely.

André: (furious, off-camera) You idiot!  You blew out the lights!

Guybrush: (off-camera) I got the diamond!

Lightning flashes, and we see Cruff starting to choke Guybrush.

Cruff: Not for long, you little...

While he speaks, André raises his baseball bat to whack Cruff on the head
before the lights go out.  Another lightning flash, and we see Guybrush
grabbing the plank atop André and an unconscious Cruff before landing on top of
André as the room goes dark again.

André: (off-camera) OUCH!  Hit him, not me, you cretin!

Cruff: (gets up off-camera) Who are you calling a... OOOF!

Lightning flashes again, revealing Cruff sitting on André and grabbing his leg
as Guybrush is nowhere to be seen before the room goes dark.

André: (off-camera) There he goes!  Get him!

Scene cuts back to the exterior of Skull Island.

Guybrush: Got what I needed from the smugglers.

Lost Welshman: Good.  Let us leave this place of evil.

Guybrush: There's just one thing I need to do first.

Lost Welshman: Really?  What's that?

Scene cuts to the cliff where Guybrush arrives minutes later.

LaFoot: Who's there?  Oh, it's just you.

Scene cuts to the far-off view of the summit once again, with LaFoot's
frightened voice shouts out.

LaFoot: (off-camera) Wait!  What, what are you doing!  Help!  Help!!!!!!

There is a far-off view of LaFoot being tossed off the cliff as he screams.

LaFoot: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

There is a sound of LaFoot's body bouncing off the cliff rocks before falling
into a watery grave.  Scene cuts to the Blood Island beach a few minutes later.

Lost Welshman: Good luck on the rest of your adventures, Guybrush.

Guybrush: What?  You can't mean...

Lost Welshman: I'm afraid so.  This work is too dangerous for me.  I'm going to
find a more stable, secure line of work.  I hear there's still an opening for a
chef on Scabb Island.

Guybrush: You'll be sorely missed.

Lost Welshman: I know.  But my destiny lies out there... somewhere...
...beyond the rolling waves.

Guybrush: Farewell, good friend Welshman!

Scene cuts to Blood Island as the Welshman rows away on his boat before rowing
back to the beach again.

Lost Welshman: Oh, wait.  Where'd you say Scabb Island was, again?

Guybrush: East by Northeast.  You can't miss it.

Lost Welshman: Uh, thanks a bunch.

Scene cuts back to Blood Island once more as the Welshman leaves its beach for
the last time, before Guybrush suddenly forgets something.

Guybrush: Ah!  Whoops.  I forgot to tell him that a magnetized pin will only
have compass-like properties for a short time.

As he leaves the beach, scene cuts back to a far-off view of Monkey Island.

                         Meanwhile, on Monkey Island...

After a few seconds, scene cuts to the Rollercoaster of Death in the Carnival
of the Damned as a family of riders on the rollercoaster scream before they
enter the cave mouth, where they make a steep plunge into a pool of molten
lava... and into their demise.  Seconds later, the rollercoaster and its
riders, now skeletons, emerge from the lava, and look at the camera before they
scream in fright and move away.  Atop the rollercoaster tracks, LeChuck and his
new skeletal minions are at the table on a cliff near the bridge before he
speaks to them.

LeChuck: Ahhh.  Another group of recruits for my army of the undead!  Now...
how goes the search for my bride-to-be?

He looks around and waits for a response before turning around.

LeChuck: Where's Dinghy Dog™?!

Dinghy Dog™: (runs into the entrance) I found 'em!  I found 'em! *(Laugh)*
Hyuk, Hyuk, Hyuk!  Oh, golly.  Oh, gosh.  Hyuk!  Hyuk!  That's right!

He laughs and claps his hands in joy as he speaks before LeChuck makes a
bellowing yell.

LeChuck: Where?!!!!!

As he yells, he breathes out fire that burns Dinghy Dog™ to a crisp, wearing
him down.

Dinghy Dog™: (weakly) Uh... they're on Blood Island, sir.

Scene cuts to a close-up of LeChuck with a menacing look.

LeChuck: (in a low growl) Get them...

Scene cuts to black before cutting back to a far-off view of Blood Island,
where Guybrush returns to where Elaine and the fireflies are.  There, he tries
to pull the cursed Midas Diamond ring from her finger, but it doesn't budge.

Guybrush: That ring is really stuck on her finger. *(after a few seconds of
pondering...)* Let's see if this slippery greasy lotion does the trick.

He takes out the slippery greasy hand lotion and dabs it on her hand, then puts
it away.

Guybrush: That should do it.

He then pulls out the Midas Diamond ring, which explodes from his hand in front
of him.

Guybrush: The cursed ring exploded!

He then sets the enormous diamond into the engagement band.

Guybrush: It's a massive diamond engagement ring.

Finally, he takes out the completed diamond ring, and a cut-scene occurs as he
places the ring onto her golden finger.  A split-second later the diamond emits
a flash of light that blinds him for a second before restoring Elaine to her
normal, wind-up self.  A second later she punches him.

Guybrush: Ooooh!

He feels dizzy and falls to the ground before she looks around and sees him
near the tree stump in shock.

Guybrush: (rubs his neck) Umm, Elaine?  Are you alright?

Elaine: (looks around again) Guybrush?  Where... where are we?

Guybrush: You're O.K.  We're on Blood Island.

She becomes confused as he continues.

Guybrush: (off-camera) LeChuck's ring had a terrible curse on it, but I put
everything right!

He gets up and goes to her.

Guybrush: You're safe and everything's gonna be fine, just---fiiine.

As he speaks, he starts hugging her, seconds before an army of skeletons
surrounds them with swords as he looks around in confusion.  Scene cuts to
black.

*****************************************
*3.2d. Part V: Kiss of the Spider Monkey*
*****************************************

Guybrush and Elaine are now at the Carnival of the Damned with LeChuck, where
Guybrush is caged in a Dynamo-Monkelectric cable ride cart that is rigged with
explosives, and Elaine is bound and gagged.

Elaine: (struggles) Mmmffghh!  Brrghhhiff!

LeChuck: That be well spoken, pet. *(looks at her)* But save yer breath,
lass...  ...ye'll be needin' it fer when ye scream "I do."

Elaine: (furious) Ffrrrgghh.

Guybrush: Where... where are we?

LeChuck: Don't ya be rememberin' this place, Threepwood? *(points at him)*
'Twas not long ago that I trapped ye here, to suffer tortures most foul!

Guybrush: Wait!  I can remember!  I've seen this place before... in some
terrible nightmare!

LeChuck: 'Twas no mere nightmare, Guybrush! *(points at him again)* Search yer
feelings!  Ye'll know it to be true!

Guybrush: (becomes horrified) OH NO!  IT CAN'T BE!  BUT IT IS!  This is the
Carnival of the Damned!

LeChuck: Aye!  The Carnival of the Damned!

Guybrush: (angry) You fiend!  Why have you brought us here?

LeChuck: Thar be two reasons, ya pathetic privateer. *(points at him again)* I
be intendin' ta torture and kill ye... *(shrugs his shoulders)* ...and I'll be
given [sic] Elaine a treasure!

Guybrush: Eh, you're wasting your time, LeChuck!  Elaine's love can't be
bought.

LeChuck: Ahhh!  But this be a very special treasure!  This be the fabled
treasure of Big Whoop!

Guybrush: (surprised) Big Whoop!

LeChuck: Aye!  The very pirate treasure you were searching for before I caught
up with ye!

Guybrush: (shrugs) What's so special about the treasure of Big Whoop?  Isn't it
just like any other pirate treasure?

LeChuck: (points at him) I see... Ye do not yet know the dreadful power that be
Big Whoop!

Guybrush: I guess not.

LeChuck: Quake in fear, Threepwood, when I tell thee that Big Whoop be a damned
portal to a demon netherworld!

Guybrush: (unamused) O.K.

LeChuck: The treasures of Big Whoop be THE VERY GATES OF HELL THEMSELVES!

Guybrush: (surprised) Yipe! *(after some pause...)* But how will Big Whoop make
Elaine love you?

LeChuck: Elaine shall pass through the hoary gates of Big Whoop... just as I
once did...  ...down ta the inky blackness of the infernal nether regions.  For
ya see... *(points at him again)* Big Whoop gives those who pass through it the
greatest gift of all -- immortality!

Guybrush: But... at... what... cost?

LeChuck: Cost?  Pah!  Granted, people may find me a bit unapproachable now...
...and the smell does take a while to get used to...  ...but it be worth
everything, now that I have the power to make Elaine love me!

Guybrush: But if you kill Elaine, won't she hate you even more?

LeChuck: Aye, at first.  But soon she'll be understandin' what a grand gift
eternal life be!  And besides... *(points his finger again)* ...the dating pool
be surprisingly small when ye're the livin' dead.  She'll just have to give me
another chance!

Guybrush: This whole amusement park... why?

LeChuck: The Big Whoop Carnival was me most brilliant idea! *(points his finger
again)* Once I had the power of Big Whoop at my command, I could make Elaine
mine at last!

Guybrush: I see.  But again, why an amusement park?

LeChuck: I'll be gettin' to that.  I knew Elaine would need a little coaxing,
and that I'd be needing an army.  A horrible army of the undead!

Guybrush: (still unamused) Okay, but why an amusement park?

LeChuck: (impatient) Are ye goin' ta let me finish?  I'm not talking just to
hear myself talk, you know.

Guybrush: You're right.  I've been rude.  Please go on.

LeChuck: (continues) Everyone knows that the life of a seaman is a long, hard,
lonely one.  Sailors spend months longing for just a few days' leave, and you
know what they're lookin' for soon as they get into port!  Eh?

Guybrush: Err...?

LeChuck: A family-oriented fun park!

Guybrush: (realizes) Oh, that.  He, he, he.  Of course.

LeChuck: They come to take a ride on the giant roller coaster... The Great
Monkey Mountain!  They reach the top of the highest peak, and then hands in the
air, screaming like monkeys... *(points his finger again)* They plunge down the
slope into a great stream of lava!

Guybrush: That doesn't sound the least bit fun.

LeChuck: Aye, it's not.  In fact, it's downright unpleasant.  But when they
reach the other side, they're fitting warriors for my skeletal army of the
damned!

Guybrush: How did you find Big Whoop?

LeChuck: (points at him) That be a long story.  Are ye sure ye want to hear it?

Guybrush: Does the torture start after we're done talking here?

LeChuck: Aye.

Guybrush: Go on, then.

LeChuck: Back when I were alive, Elaine despised me.

Guybrush: (surprised) No!

LeChuck: No, no.  It's true.  I can see that now.  She didn't like me at all.
*(points at him again)* But I were determined ta prove me worth ta her, ya see.
So I set sail ta find the legendary Secret o' Monkey Island!

Guybrush: Been there.  Done that.

LeChuck: (angry) Well, I did it first, ya nefarious nudibranch!  A few days
after settin' sail, me ship was caught in a terrible typhoon and was torn
apart!  I would have drowned, but some friendly sharks found me and set me
ashore on Blood Island.  There I was marooned, with no hope o' winnin' Elaine's
heart!  I thought me luck had run out, but one day a ship made port at Blood
Island. *(points at Guybrush again)* 'Twas the ship of one Captain Marley,
Elaine's own grandfather!  I struck up a conversation with Rum Rogers, Sr.,
first mate on the ship.  And for the price of a few drinks, I learned that they
had the map to the legendary treasure of Big Whoop.  Although I had no ship and
no money...

Guybrush: Hold on.  Can I sit down?  Both my legs are going to sleep.

LeChuck: (furiously repeats the story) ALTHOUGH I HAD NO SHIP AND NO MONEY...
...I planned to beat Marley's crew to the treasure and take it fer meself.  I
didn't have the money to buy a new ship, but I still had me greatest asset...

Guybrush: The ability to kill bugs just by breathing?

LeChuck: (furiously repeats the story) ...BUT I STILL HAD ME GREATEST ASSET...
...that indefinable LeChuck charm.  One of the rich young debutantes on Blood
Island was helpless against it.  After a week with me, she would've followed me
to the grave.  Unfortunately for her, she didn't get the chance.  I pried the
diamond from her family's engagement ring and sold it to some cutthroat
smugglers for the cost of a new ship.

Guybrush: You scum!

LeChuck: Hmph!  I've been called worse. 

Or:

Guybrush: (smiles) All right, LeChuck!  Was she hot?  Did you kiss her?

LeChuck: (blushes) Well, I... uh... *(giggles)*

Guybrush: Oh, come on.  You can tell me.

LeChuck: I don't want ta be talkin' about that.  It be personal.  And
besides... dead men tell no tales.

Guybrush: (bows his head in disappointment) Oh!  I was waitin' for that one!

LeChuck continues his story.

Lechuck: With me new ship, I easily overtook Marley's crew and beat them to Big
Whoop, which just so happened ta be here on Monkey Island.

Guybrush: I'm still confused about the carnival...

LeChuck: Then ask me.  As designer and founder, I can answer all your
questions.

Guybrush: How did you build an amusement park on a deserted island?

LeChuck: The process begins with a winning design team.  I scoured the
Caribbean, looking for the best and brightest artists, engineers and creative
people.  After a lengthy period of intensive recruitment, intimidation,
*(Laugh)* and murder...  ...I had me team at work slashing and burning acres of
old-growth timberland on Monkey and Dinky Islands.

Guybrush: That must have been back-breaking work!

LeChuck: (points at him) Aye, that it was.  Fortunately, hundreds of men were
lost to malaria, wild animals or construction accidents. *(Laugh)* Argh!

Guybrush: What kind of attractions do you have?

LeChuck: Here at Big Whoop, we pride ourselves on the variety and authenticity
of our attractions. *(points at him again)* We be usin' a magical blend of art,
technology, and indentured servitude that we like to call...  ...Dynamo-
Monkelectrics. *(continues pointing at him)* Frighteningly realistic skins and
other body parts are attached to a framework of gears, servos, and pulleys.
All constructed from a remarkably lightweight composite material.

Guybrush: Fascinating. *(a pause again, then...)* How do you power all the
rides?

LeChuck: (points at Guybrush again) That be a good question.  As ye may already
know, the power of Big Whoop be derived from its position as an infernal nexus
binding our world with the unholy manifestation of Evil itself.

Guybrush: Well, of course.

LeChuck: But, like all fuel sources, it can't be lastin' forever.  That's why
it be our job to conserve its demonic power wherever possible and look to
alternative power sources.

Guybrush: Nuclear?

LeChuck: (laughs) No, we tap our greatest natural resource...  Monkeys!

Guybrush: (shocked) My word!

LeChuck: Hordes of ruthlessly-trained monkeys are hidden away deep within the
bowels of the park... *(points at him again)* ...bound to immense machines of
destruction and family entertainment.

Guybrush: That's so inhumane!

LeChuck: Oooh, I'm glad ye noticed.  It be the little touches that make the
difference.

Guybrush: (defiantly) Mark my words, LeChuck!  When I finally defeat you, I'll
be sure to set them all free.

LeChuck: Yeah, yeah, yeah. *(Laugh)*

Guybrush: What's in the future for Big Whoop theme parks?

LeChuck: The future is ripe with a world of possibilities!  I see an entire
network of theme parks throughout the world! *(points at him again)* Each will
be unique and incorporate the cultures and customs of its specific area, but
all will hold true to the same vision of the original park: The random,
wholesale slaughter of the thousands of patrons who walk through our gates.

Guybrush: I thought the treasure of Big Whoop was on Dinky Island.

LeChuck: Dinky Island be an atoll, just off the coast o' Monkey Island.  But
they be connected by a maze o' mysterious tunnels that run under the very ocean
floor. *(points at him again)* So although ye dug fer treasure on Dinky, when
ye found me carnival ye were on Monkey Island. *(Laugh)*

Guybrush: Very tidy explanation.

LeChuck: Aye!

Guybrush: I'VE HEARD QUITE ENOUGH ABOUT YOUR DISGUSTING THEME PARK!

After some pause again, Guybrush wonders...

Guybrush: What happened to Captain Marley and his crew?

LeChuck: Their ship arrived at Monkey Island a half-hour after mine.  But they
were too late to stop me from claiming me prize...  ...and they watched me pass
through the portal of Big Whoop! *(points at Guybrush again)* Craven cowards
that they were, the power of what they saw overwhelmed them.  They fled the
island in terror!  Marley tore his treasure map into four pieces and gathered
his crew around him.  There was Rum Rogers, Sr., the first mate... *(points at
Guybrush again)* ...Rapp Scallion, the cook...  ...and Young Lindy, the cabin
boy.  Marley gave each a piece of the map, keeping one for himself.  They 
promised to guard those map pieces with their lives. *(Laugh)* I saw to it that
they kept their promise.  They were the only people alive to know about Big
Whoop.

Guybrush: What happened to Rum Rogers, Sr.?

LeChuck: (points his finger) He was takin' a bath in his cabin near Phatt
Island...  ...drinking rum and eatin' toast, as he always did while bathing...
...when the toaster "mysteriously" fell into the tub with him.

Guybrush: Shocking.

LeChuck: His son inherited the map piece, but was too much of a drunkard to
understand its importance. *(Laugh)*

Guybrush: What happened to Rapp Scallion, the cook?

LeChuck: Rapp Scallion died in a flash fire in his weenie hut on Scabb Island.

Guybrush: (recalls) That's right!  I brought him back to life with a voodoo
spell!  I remember it so vividly...

As Guybrush smiles, an empty coffin of Rapp Scallion's appears in Guybrush's
thought bubble as the ashes sparkle in the coffin's interior before they form
Rapp's skeleton, which then reforms itself into his nearly-nude corpse, whose
clothes miraculously appear along with his chef's hat before LeChuck
interrupts.

LeChuck: Guybrush?

At LeChuck's word, Rapp Scallion seems to dissolve himself into ashes again as
Guybrush jumps in a daze before the thought bubble disappears.

LeChuck: Guybrush?

Guybrush: Oh, I'm sorry, I was miles away.  What were you saying?

LeChuck: I knew about Rapp's absent-minded tendency to leave his gas burners
on...  ...so I arranged for a fully-lit cake to be delivered to him on his
thirty-fifth birthday. *(Laugh)* Ye could hear the explosion as far as Booty
Island.

Guybrush: (disgusted) That's horrible!

LeChuck: "Steamin' Weenie" indeed.

Guybrush: What became of Young Lindy, the cabin boy?

LeChuck: Fearin' fer his life, he came to me and begged for mercy.  In return
for not revealing the location of Big Whoop, I let him live.  As a sign of me
"gratitude," *(points at Guybrush again)* I gave him a fortune which he used to
build a successful advertising firm.  Once he had grown accustomed to his
wealthy lifestyle, I returned to collect me debt.  I delivered to him an
account so demonically ill-conceived that it was doomed to fail.  Gangrene 'n'
Honey.  Within a month, he was penniless and insane, a broken man.  He sold
everything he owned and got so desperate he fell in with a traveling circus.
He was killed when he was shot from a cannon without a helmet.

Guybrush: No one could be THAT desperate! *(after some pause...)* What fate
befell Captain Marley?

LeChuck: I ambushed him while he was racing in the America's Cup. *(points at
Guybrush again)* I boarded his ship and decided to let him determine his own
fate.  He could grant me his blessing to have his granddaughter's hand in
marriage...  ...or he could suffer a death more horrible than any of his
crewmates'.

Guybrush: Well?  What'd he say?

LeChuck: Actually, he said quite a few things...  "Oh, the pain!  Stop it,
you're killing me!"

Elaine: (in horrified disgust) Ffrrgghhh!

LeChuck: Some other things.  I forget them all.  I left him for dead and sent
his ship into a whirlpool not even the most accomplished captain could escape.

Elaine: Grrgghhhhh!

Guybrush: (in disgust) You're unbelievably ghastly and wretched!

LeChuck: Oh, thanks. *(Laugh)*

Guybrush: (after some thought) What is the secret of Monkey Island?

LeChuck: The Secret of Monkey Island? *(points at him)* I COULD tell ye, but
I'd rather make ye guess.

Guybrush: That "Rosebud" is a sled? [NOTE: This is a reference to the twist at
the end of "Citizen Kane", which can be best described along with other films
in "3.3.: Script Miscellany" when I get a chance.]

LeChuck: That's not it.  Everyone knows that.

Or:

Guybrush: That the guy's girlfriend is really a man? [NOTE: This is a reference
to the twist in "The Crying Game", which, again, can be best described in "3.3:
Script Miscellany".]

LeChuck: Now you're just being foolish.

LeChuck continues.

LeChuck: No, it goes much deeper than that. *(points at him again)* It's an
ancient secret, closely guarded, eh, by the natives and, eh, pirates who
happened to...

Guybrush: (interrupts) You don't even know The Secret of Monkey Island, do you?

LeChuck: (clueless) No... not really.

Guybrush: All right, then. *(a pause again...)* Please don't kill me.

LeChuck: Why shouldn't I?

Guybrush: If you kill me...  ...you'll crush the hopes of children all over the
world!  I'm a hero to millions.

LeChuck: It doesn't matter!  All that matters is that Elaine and I are
together... *(points at Guybrush)* ...and you are out of the picture for good!

Guybrush: (persistent) Pretty please don't kill me.

LeChuck: Why shouldn't I?

Guybrush: If you kill me...  ...you'll be in really big trouble.

LeChuck: I'm one of the walking dead!  Formed not of flesh and blood, but of
fire and brimstone!  How could I be in any more trouble?

Guybrush: Yeah, well...

Guybrush repeats the "Pretty please don't kill me" thing again.

Guybrush: If you kill me...  ...there'll be no more Monkey Island sequels.  No
sequels means no work for you.  You'll become just another has-been that
nobody's heard of.

LeChuck: (defiant) Ohhh!  That could never happen to ME!  I'm LeChuck!

Guybrush: Do you know the name "Bobbin Threadbare"?

LeChuck: (clueless) Uh, no.

Guybrush: (chuckles) Exactly.

Once more Guybrush repeats the "Pretty please don't kill me" thing.

Guybrush: If you kill me...  ...you'll ruin our reputation for making family-
oriented games.  We'll be scorned by parent watchdog groups everywhere.

LeChuck: (annoyed) What'll ye threaten me with next?  Some ludicrous Senate
subcommittee investigatin' violence in the media?  Well, I'm shakin' in me
boots now!

After running out of options of "don't kill me" pleas...

Guybrush: Elaine will never marry you!  She loves me!

LeChuck: (points at him in defiance) She does not!  She loves me.

Guybrush: Nuh-uh.  She loves me.

LeChuck: Does not.

After some pause again...

Guybrush: Anyway, Elaine really loves me.

LeChuck: (humiliated) Does not.

Guybrush: Does too love me!

LeChuck: Does not.

Guybrush: Does too.  Infinity.

LeChuck: Does... *(becomes humiliated)* Aarrrggh!  Curse you and your
diabolical debate skills!

Afterwards, however, LeChuck becomes angry again.

LeChuck: (points at him) But thar be so many more horrible things I be wantin'
ta tell ye!

Guybrush: I'm not listening to you anymore. *(turns away from LeChuck)* See?
I'm ignoring you.

LeChuck: (infuriated) Arrgh!  You'd better listen!

Guybrush covers his ears and pretends not to hear.

Guybrush: LA LA LA LA LA LA LA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU, LA LA LA LA LA LA!

He finishes covering his ears.

LeChuck: Very well, Threepwood. *(points at Guybrush again)* If you're going to
act like a child, I'll help you get in the mood.

Guybrush turns to LeChuck as he continues.

LeChuck: I think you deserve a time-out, young man!

Guybrush: Uh oh!

LeChuck emits voodoo powers from his hand and zaps Guybrush off-camera, then
walks off with Elaine.  Scene cuts back to where the trio used to be, with the
Dynamo-Monkelectric ride cart seemingly empty, except for a turn of its door
handle and Guybrush's familiar voice.

Guybrush: (off-camera) Aha!  It's not locked!  Your plan was flawless, LeChuck,
except for one minor detail.  That will be your downfall!

The cart door opens, and out emerges... a tiny little Guybrush as a boy, who
walks out and moves on.  Scene fades to black before fading back to the
Carnival of the Damned on ground level, with little Guybrush still walking
around near the booth, Wharf Rat™, Dinghy Dog™ and Murray the Demonic Talking
Skull before turning to the camera.

Guybrush: He's taken Elaine on his roller coaster of death!  I've got to reach
her before she becomes his undead bride!

He then looks around again.

Guybrush: What's happened to me?  Head... foggy... can't... think...  Mind...
swimming... must... concentrate...  ...and rescue Elaine!  I've got to save
Elaine!  But how can I save Elaine when I'm just a little boy?  Oooh, if only I
could think straight!

He puts his hands on his head as if he were in a headache before getting up
again.

Guybrush: Must... clear... my mind!

Just then...

Dinghy Dog™: Hyuk!  Welcome to the Big Whoop carnival, little guy!  Come on
over here and meet your ol' pal Dinghy Dog™!

Guybrush: (embarrassed) Oh, for cryin' out loud!

Guybrush sees Murray at the booth and talks to him.

Guybrush: Yo, Murray.

Murray: Hey!  It's you!  Are you dead yet?  You look different.

Guybrush: Not dead, Murray, just cursed.

Murray: Cursed?  That's perfect!  I'm cursed, too.  Let's join our cursed
forces together and together we can rule the world!  Bwahahahahahahaha!

Guybrush: Yeah.  Let me get back to you on that.

[Examine the sign atop Murray and Dinghy Dog™]

Guybrush: It says, "Guess Yer Age 'n Weight."

In reluctance Guybrush decides to talk to Dinghy Dog™.

Guybrush: Are you the real Dinghy Dog™?

Dinghy Dog™: *(Hyuk!)* You bet I am, and I'm here to make sure you have fun fun
FUN! *(points at Guybrush)* What's your name, little boy?

Guybrush: Okay, for starters, I'm not a little boy.  I'm Guybrush Threepwood.
Mighty Pirate.

Dinghy Dog™: Well, shiver me timbers!  That's swell!

Guybrush: Don't you patronize me.

Dinghy Dog™: (points at him again) Well! *(Hyuk!)* Sounds like you've learned a
very big word!  You're a very bright little man! *(laughs)* That's swell!
*(Hyuk hyuk!)*

Guybrush: Laugh while you can.  Soon I'll destroy LeChuck and your entire world
will lie in ruin.

Dinghy Dog™: You bet!  Run along and play now, son!  *(Hyuk!)*

Guybrush: I'd like to speak to your manager.

Dinghy Dog™: (points at him) Oh no you don't, little boy! *(Hyuk!)* Just the
sight of my manager has caused children older than you to burst into tears!

Guybrush: I really want to talk to somebody in charge.

Dinghy Dog™: No can do, son! *(Hyuk!)*

Guybrush: I need to get on the roller coaster!

Dinghy Dog™: I'll bet you do! *(Hyuk!)* It's FUN!  But that ride's only for
bigger kids!

Guybrush: I don't care if it's not safe!  I have to ride it, now!

Dinghy Dog™: Oh no, no, no, son! *(Hyuk hyuk!)* It's not that it's not safe for
little kids to ride...  ...it's just that you've gotta be much, much older to
really appreciate the sheer mind-numbing terror of the coaster!  But wait a few
years, and you'll have matured enough to ride!  You'll also be able to buy
candy and eat it whenever and wherever you want, *(hyuk!)* just like us
grownups can!

Guybrush: (persistent) Let me on the roller coaster!

Dinghy Dog™: Uh, nope! *(Hyuk!)* That ride's only for bigger kids!

After some thought...

Guybrush: How can I win one of these fabulous prizes?

Dinghy Dog™: Well, that's easy, *(hyuk!)* matey!  If I can't guess your weight
or your age, you get to pick what you want!

Guybrush: What's the catch?

Dinghy Dog™: *(Hyuk!)* There's no catch!  It's just that easy!

Guybrush: Just try to guess how much I weigh.

Dinghy Dog™: All righty! *(hyuk!)* Let Dinghy have a look at you, little guy!
Well, let me see here... *(points at Guybrush)* I figure a strapping little
pirate like you must weigh... oh, ninety-eight pounds?

Guybrush: HA!  The joke's on you!

He goes to the weighing scale and gets on it.

Guybrush: I just LOOK like a little boy!  In actuality, I'm a mighty pirate
weighing in at...

Just then the arrow tips the scales at the correct number and Guybrush becomes
disappointed.

Guybrush: ...ninety-eight pounds. *(turns to the camera)* This is really
embarrassing.  Am I not eating right?  I've been working out.

He goes back and talks to Dinghy Dog™ again.

Guybrush: I'll bet you can't guess how old I am.

Dinghy Dog™: *(Hyuk hyuk!)* Bet you I can!  A little fearsome buccaneer like
yourself must be... seven years old?

Guybrush: HA!  Wrong!  I just so happen to be twenty!

Dinghy Dog™: (shrugs) *(Hyuk!)* Well, d'ya have any proof for your ol' pal
Dinghy Dog™?

Guybrush: You calling me a liar?

Dinghy Dog™: (points at Guybrush again) You bet I am! *(Hyuk!)*

Guybrush: I have my proof right here.

He goes to Dinghy Dog™ and takes out a card to show to him.

Dinghy Dog™: (reads) "SCUMM™ Actors Guild Membership Card.  Guybrush Threepwood
-- Age: Twenty."  I suppose you're right! *(Hyuk!)* Pick your prize!

Guybrush goes to the booth and thinks of what to pick.  Finally...

Guybrush: Give me that anchor!

Or:

Guybrush: I really want that talking skull.

Murray: Bwahahahaha!  With my unfettered demonic might we will RULE THE WORLD!

Guybrush: (thinks) Mmm... You're right, Murray.  If I had all that power, the
temptation for evil would be too great.  I'll take the anchor!

Dinghy Dog™: Well, take it away, son!  Congratulations! *(Hyuk!)* Enjoy your
stay here at Big Whoop!

Murray tries to talk Guybrush out of taking the anchor.

Murray: Look into your heart!  I'm the prize you really want!

Guybrush is all like, "Too late, Murray!" as he takes the anchor.

Murray: (shocked) What!!!!!  You picked the anchor?

Guybrush: It's a really nice anchor, Murray.  Sorry.

[Talk to Murray again]

Guybrush: Murray...

Murray: I'm not speaking to you.  How could you pick that anchor over your best
friend?

Murray continues talking to himself.

Murray: (infuriated) I can't believe you picked that stupid anchor instead of
me.  What good is a dumb hunk of iron, anyway?  It's not even a REAL anchor...
...I'm a real talking skull!  After all we've been through together...  Fine!
Take the stupid anchor!  You would have made a lousy undead monster anyway!
I'm going to wait for an owner who understands my need to bring fear and
pestilence on the likes of you!  Get out of here before I call up the demonic
legions of Hades and set them upon you like a swarm of angry locusts!  If you
value your life, mere mortal, you will flee before Murray, Scourge of the
Living and Uber-Skull of the Underworld!  Bwahahahahahahahahaha!

While Murray is talking, Guybrush moves on to talk to Wharf Rat™.

Guybrush: Peeeewwww!!

Wharf Rat™: Yeah, kid?  What is it?

Guybrush: Yikes!  What is that horrible smell?

Wharf Rat™: (angry) It's a giant rat suit, you little brat.  What did you
expect?  Roses?

Guybrush: Am I the only one nauseated by that terrible stench?

Wharf Rat™: (spiteful) Okay, okay.  The suit smells.  We've heard it.
Everybody just come over and pick on the giant rat man.

Guybrush: What are you guys doing here?

Wharf Rat™: It's "Blow the Man Down", the most fun on the midway.  Hit the
funny clown and win a fantastic prize!  Watch the pies fly from the cannon with
blinding speed and loud report...  ...and if your aim is true, go home with
your winnings.  Join in the laughs with your happy sailor host Wharf Rat™ and
his pal Monty Meringue™.

Guybrush: What flavor?

Wharf Rat™: (confused) What?

Guybrush: What flavor are the pies today?

Wharf Rat™: I don't know!  Lemon meringue, I think.  What kind of a stupid
question is that?

Guybrush: How does this whole booth work again?

Wharf Rat™: It's not that complex a concept, kid.  Fire pies from the cannon at
the guy in the clown suit.  Ya hit him and win a prize.  It's great fun.

Guybrush: I want to shoot the cannon!  I want to shoot the cannon!

Wharf Rat™: Sorry, little boy, you're too young.  "Blow the Man Down" is for
older kids.

Guybrush: (disappointed) That's discrimination!  How do I know it really works
if I can't see it go off?

Wharf Rat™: Okay, kid.  You want to see the cannon fire?  Here we go.

He takes the lemon meringue pie and places it into the cannon, pulls the rope
and shoots the pie into Monty's face, then places another pie on top of the
other two pies.

Guybrush: What in the world is meringue?

Wharf Rat™: I dunno, kid.  Whipped egg whites, I guess.

Guybrush: What's Dinghy Dog™ really like in person?

Wharf Rat™: What are you asking me for?  I'm just a giant rat.  I'm not allowed
to associate with His Highness The Great and Mighty Dinghy Dog™.

Guybrush: Could you, uh, introduce me to Dinghy Dog™?

Wharf Rat™: No, I can't.  Now go away.

Guybrush: Dinghy Dog™ is really cool, huh?

Wharf Rat™: Oh, yeah.  He's a regular saint.  So much more gifted a performer
than any common old giant rat.  Give a guy a big dog suit and he turns into
a... a freaking prima donna.

Guybrush: I bet Dinghy Dog™ gets paid a lot of money, right?

Wharf Rat™: Yeah, and so what if he does?  It doesn't take any talent to make a
big puppy dog appealing.  Now, getting children to hang around a giant rat...
*(Laugh)* ...that's art.

Guybrush: I bet his suit doesn't stink, either.

Wharf Rat™: You know, you're really starting to bug me, kid.

Guybrush: I bet Dinghy Dog™ could beat you up.

Wharf Rat™: Could not.

Guybrush: I bet he could.

Wharf Rat™: I'll tell you what, kid: why don't you go take a swipe at him...
...and then come back here and tell me what happened, huh?

Guybrush: (after some pondering) Never mind.

Guybrush tries to take the meringue pie from the stack, but...

Wharf Rat™: (furious) Hey!  What do you think you're doing?

Guybrush: I just want one of those pies...

Wharf Rat™: Yeah?  Well, I just want out of this stinking rat head.  Life's
tough, kid.  Cope.

Thinking up an idea, Guybrush puts the anchor into the pie pan.

Guybrush: Now it's a heavy pie pan.

He then puts Cap'n Nick's Shaving Soap on the heavy fake pie.

Guybrush: Now I've got a heavy pie pan full of shaving cream.

Or:

If you put it another way with Guybrush putting Cap'n Nick's Shaving Soap on
the pie pan first...

Guybrush: I've got a pie pan full of shaving cream.

...and then placing the anchor inside the fake pie...

Guybrush: Now it's a heavy pie pan full of shaving cream.

Smiling, he takes out the heavy fake pie and places it on top of the meringue
pie pile.

Wharf Rat™: (furious) What are you doing over there?

Guybrush: (innocently) I found this pie, Mister.

Wharf Rat™: Huh?  Oh, yeah.  Thanks, kid.

Guybrush: Shoot it!  Shoot it!

Wharf Rat™: Not right now.

Guybrush: Oh, but I want to see the cannon fire!

Wharf Rat™: Beat cheeks, half-pint.

Guybrush: Look, man.  I pay your salary!  You want me to tell LeChuck you've
got unhappy kids running around here?

Wharf Rat™: (reluctant) Okay, okay, you little...

Wharf Rat™ reluctanty takes out the heavy fake pie and stuffs it into the
cannon, then fires the shot that knocks Monty onto the ground off-screen.

Wharf Rat™: Did you just hear something?

Guybrush: No.

Wharf Rat™: Weird.

Guybrush: Maybe it's the acoustics of that smelly giant head.

Wharf Rat™: (shouts) Shut up, kid.

Guybrush then goes to the gate near the meringue pie booth and opens it, then
goes to the hole behind the booth and looks through it.

Guybrush: (calls out) Yoo-hoo!  Stinky Mr. Rat!

Wharf Rat™: Hey!  Get outta there, ya little punk!

Guybrush: What ya gonna do about it, vermin-boy?

Wharf Rat™: This'll teach you!

He takes out the meringue pie and stuffs it into the cannon, then fires the pie
at Guybrush's face before taking out another pie and putting it into the stack
again.  Guybrush then turns to the camera and wipes the lemon meringue off of
his face with his right hand and puts it away, then, taking Wharf Rat™'s advice
to "take a swipe" at Dinghy Dog™, goes to Dinghy Dog™ and tries pushing him
once.

Dinghy Dog™: *(Hyuk!)* Now that's not very nice, little boy.

Guybrush pushes him again.

Dinghy Dog™: Come on, now!  Stop hitting your pal Dinghy Dog™!

Another push on Dinghy Dog™ again...

Dinghy Dog™: I'm not going to warn you again, kid.

Yet another push on Dinghy Dog™...

Dinghy Dog™: *(Hyuk!)* You better cut that out.

A fifth push on Dinghy Dog™ again...

Dinghy Dog™: (points at Guybrush) You're really starting to bug me, kid.

Once more, Guybrush pushes Dinghy Dog™ for the sixth time.

Dinghy Dog™: All right, *(hyuk!)* that does it.  You're going down, little
punk!

He bites Guybrush on the head and pulls him up struggling before Guybrush rips
the costume hair from Dinghy Dog™ and is spat back down.

Guybrush: Ow!  He bit me!

Dinghy Dog™: Hey, g-give me back that hair, kid!  You're ruinin' the suit!

[Examine the sign near the snowcone cart]

Guybrush: (reads) "You must be as tall as my hand to ride the rollercoaster."

Finally, Guybrush goes to the snowcone cart and grabs the pepper mill on it,
then speaks with the Snowcone Guy, known as the soda jerk.

Guybrush: What kind of snow cones do you have?

Snowcone Guy: *(Cough)* What kind of cones did you ask?...  Why, I have every
kind imaginable.  I have the most distinct type of snow cones in the world.  In
fact my cones are so original, so inventive and so, cough, cough, cough, sniff,
unique...  ...that most are completely inedible.  Let me list some for you...
I have sweet cones, meat cones, cold cones, mold cones, bold cones with lime...
...cones with slime... *(Cough, cough)* ...veggie cones, wedgy cones, hedgy
cones (I used some of my neigbor's [sic] hedge in that one)...  ...cones with
spice, cones with lice, berry cones, hairy cones, dairy cones...  ...and at
Christmas, ho ho ho, Merry cones.  So what do you think of that?!

After a few seconds, Guybrush turns around and thinks...

Guybrush: Hmmm.

...before turning back to the Snowcone Guy.

Guybrush: I'd like a plain snowcone, please.

Snowcone Guy: Okay, kid.

He makes a plain snowcone before putting it on the counter, and Guybrush takes
the cone.

Snowcone Guy: (with an "ahem") Bye now.

[Examine the Snowcone Guy]

Guybrush: Ick.

[Use meringue pie anywhere]

Guybrush: I'd rather keep these pie bits for a better time.

With the snowcone in hand, Guybrush places the meringue pie bit on it.

Guybrush: That meringue looks tasty.

Next he puts the Dinghy Dog™ hair onto the cone.

Guybrush: Eeeew.  Hairy.

Finally, he takes the pepper mill and makes a few grinds of pepper on top of
the cone.

Guybrush: Mmmm.  Peppery goodness.

As an added bonus, he puts the tofu mask into the cone...

Guybrush: Bean Curdy.

...then puts the paste into the cone.

Guybrush: Pasty.

He goes to the camera, takes out the disgusting snowcone and eats it with a
gulp.

Guybrush: Eeeew!  The pepper helps, though.

He suddenly feels something in his brain.

Guybrush: Yeeaaaah.  Brain freeze.

He shivers a bit, then drops the snowcone in pain and clutches his head again
and moves it around a bit before he stops moving.  A split-second later he
returns to adult form again.

***********************************************
*3.2e. Part VI: Guybrush Kicks Butt Once Again*
***********************************************

Scene cuts to the interior of the Rollercoaster of Death in a Monkey Island
background.  Guybrush has pursued LeChuck and Elaine there and is now riding in
a rollercoaster before he jumps off and the cart rides away.

Guybrush: Where are they?!!

He goes to where a mannequin is hanged and picks up the fallen rope.

[Examine the Dynamo-Monkelectric 3-headed monkey]

Guybrush: I had a feeling he'd turn up sooner or later.

[Talk to the Dynamo-Monkelectric 3-headed monkey]

Guybrush: Naw.

[Examine the Dynamo-Monkelectric Herman Toothrot]

Guybrush: It's a mechanical Herman Toothrot.

[Talk to the Dynamo-Monkelectric Herman Toothrot]

Guybrush: This one doesn't talk.  Thank you, technology!

[Use the pepper mill on LeChuck if he appears]

Guybrush takes out the pepper and blows it into LeChuck's face.

LeChuck: (agitated) Arrrgghhhh... ahhhh... ahhhh... AHHHH... CHOOOO!

His sneeze burns a bit of the rope that has hanged the mannequin.

Guybrush: Errr... gesundheit?

LeChuck: Bad move, Threepwood.

The flames are gathering around LeChuck's hands as the cart arrives.

Guybrush: (turns around) Uh-oh.

Seconds later the rollercoaster cart arrives, and he jumps on it.  Scene cuts
to the Captain Marley's Ship background, where he jumps off the cart, grabs the
keg o' rum near a Dynamo-Monkelectric Rum Rogers and stuffs it into his shirt.

[Examine the Dynamo-Monkelectric Captain Marley]

Guybrush: It's Captain Marley, Elaine's grandfather.

[Examine the Dynamo-Monkelectric Rum Rogers]

Guybrush: It's Rum Rogers, Sr. as he appeared in life.

Seconds later, the rollercoaster cart arrives along with LeChuck, who has
arrived in fire form and lands in front of Guybrush in normal form.

LeChuck: (looks around) Elaine?  Aaar, Threepwood!  'Tis only you!  Have ye
seen Elaine?  She told me she was just going ta powder her nose and I haven't
seen her since.  I can't be believin' I fell fer that one again!  Now stand
still, boy, so I can flame-broil ye! *(Laugh)*

[Use the pepper mill on LeChuck]

Guybrush takes out the pepper and blows it into LeChuck's face.

LeChuck: (agitated) Arrrgghhhh... ahhhh... ahhhh... AHHHH... CHOOOO!

His sneeze sets Captain Marley's hat on fire.

Guybrush: Errr... gesundheit?

LeChuck: Bad move, Threepwood.

The flames are gathering around LeChuck's hands as the cart arrives.

Guybrush: (turns around) Darn!

LeChuck emits the flames from his hands onto the floor, singeing Guybrush's
feet.

Guybrush: Youch!  Ow!

He jumps head-first into the cart, and the scene cuts to the LeChuck's Dungeon
background, where he jumps off and opens up the lantern near a chained Wally B.
Feed.  He blows out the flame on the flask o' oil and takes the flask, then
looks at the "Dynamo-Monkelectric" tortured Wally.

Guybrush: It's a Dynamo-Monkelectric Wally.  Egad.  He looks so lifelike.
Hey.  Wait a minute!  It really is Wally! *(speaks to him)* You can count on
me, Wally.  Just as soon as I defeat LeChuck, save Elaine, set all the monkeys
free...  ...and ride the Madly Rotating Buccaneer, I'll come back and release
you.

[Examine the Dynamo-Monkelectric Zombie LeChuck]

Guybrush: It's very lifelike... I mean "deathlike."

[Examine the Dynamo-Monkelectric Guybrush Threepwood]

Guybrush: I'm glad to see that I'm featured among the attractions here.

A few seconds later, LeChuck arrives in the cart and flies out as a flame
before returning to normal, landing in front of Guybrush again.

LeChuck: Aaargh!  You again?  If ye've ridden me coaster, why haven't ye been
bolied in me molten pool of lava?  Hmmmm... Elaine musta fiddled with me
controls and rerouted the tracks.  Aye, she'll be the death o' me yet... I mean
again. *(Laugh)* But curses if I can't help but love the little woman.  Eat
flaming death, Threepwood!!

The flames are gathering around LeChuck's hands again as another cart arrives.

Guybrush: (turns around) <Gulp.>

LeChuck emits the flames from his hands onto the floor, singeing Guybrush's
feet.

Guybrush: Youch!  Ow!

He jumps onto the rollercoaster cart, and the scene cuts to the icy region of
the Great Monkey Mountain, where he jumps off and heads up the slope to the
Dynamo-Monkelectric Giant Snow Monkey.

[Examine the Dynamo-Monkelectric Giant Snow Monkey]

Guybrush: It's every sailor's worst nightmare.  The "Giant, Snowy Ape."

There, he takes out the keg o' rum, tosses it around and places it into the
snow monkey's left arm, then soaks the fallen rope into the flask o' oil.

Guybrush: There.  It's soaked in oil and probably highly flammable.

He places the oil-soaked rope into the rum keg, creating an explosive keg o'
rum.

Guybrush: (smiles) Cool!

He walks back down the slope and waits a bit.  A few seconds later, LeChuck
arrives in the cart and flies out as a flame before returning to normal,
landing in front of Guybrush once again.

Guybrush: (surprised) Oh no!  It's LeChuck!

LeChuck: Aye, Threepwood!  It be me, yer worst nightmare.  You'll be sorry you
ever set foot here on Monkey Island when I'm through with ya!

As LeChuck is about to use the flames again, Guybrush takes out the pepper from
the pepper mill and blows it into LeChuck's face.  LeChuck starts to get
agitated with the sinuses as the passing cart arrives.

LeChuck: Arrrgghhhh... ahhhh... ahhhh... AHHHH... CHOOOO!

On the word "CHOOOO!" he sneezes the flame onto the explosive keg's rope,
igniting it as Guybrush jumps head-first into the cart once again.  LeChuck
looks up at the explosive keg in fright, and the scene cuts to a far-off view
of the mountain, which explodes from inside before the scene goes to a far-off
view of Monkey Island, and back to the mountain.  There is a rumble and LeChuck
cowers in fear as chunks of ice land on top of him, burying him completely.
Scene cuts to a view of the island, with LeChuck's skull-shaped smoke rising
and his voice once again screaming.

LeChuck: (off-camera) Aaaaaargh!!!

Scene fades to black for a few seconds before fading back to Guybrush, now in a
wedding tuxedo, and Elaine, now in her wedding gown, as they embrace each other
as man and wife, now in their new ship.  He looks around and waves goodbye, and
the scene cuts to the Barbery Coast Pirates - Haggis McMutton (with a chicken
on his back!), Cutthroat Bill, and Edward Van Helgen - and Lemonhead waving
back as The Sea Cucumber, with its "Just Married" sign at the back, slowly
sails away towards the beautiful sunset in the evening sky.  After many
seconds, scene slowly fades to black before cutting back to the Carnival of the
Damned, with Murray still sitting in the prize booth.

Murray: Run, mortal...  ...but do not forget your arch-nemesis Murray!  Mark my
words, I SHALL return to haunt you!  Do you hear me?  I SHALL RETURN!
Bwahahahahahahaha!

Scene cuts to the end credits that start with...

                                    THE END

As the credits start, Murray's voice continues to speak.

Murray: (off-camera) This is SO unfair!

After the credits, scene cuts once more to the Rollercoaster of Death with a
view of the mountain, with a father pirate and his son talking off-camera.

Son Pirate: (off-camera) This carnival is great, dad!

Father Pirate: (off-camera) It sure is, son.  But you know, rumor has it that
the man who built this place is buried here.  And they say that, to this day,
his frozen body remains in the tunnels somewhere beneath the amusement park.

LeChuck's theme plays once more before the scene cuts to black for the last
time, ending the game.

*******************
*3.2f. End Credits*
*******************

Cast

Guybrush Threepwood:
Dominic Armato

Governor Elaine Marley,
Son Pirate:
Alexandra Boyd

LeChuck:
Earl Boen

Murray,
Skully,
Father Pirate:
Denny Delk

Wally:
Neil Ross

Haggis McMutton:
Alan Young

Edward Van Helgen,
Ghost Groom [Charles DeGoulash]:
Michael Sorich

Cutthroat Bill:
Gregg Berger

Kenny Falmouth:
Gary Coleman

Wharf Rat™:
Joe Nipote

Madame Xima:
Kathleen Freeman

Dinghy Dog™:
Dave Madden

Captain Blondebeard,
Cruff:
Terry [Terence] McGovern

Captain Rottingham,
The Flying Welshman:
Tom Kane

Cabaña Boy,
LaFoot:
Harvey Jason

Lemonhead,
Pirate 2:
S. Scott Bullock

Slappy Cromwell,
Snowcone Guy:
Victor Raider-Wexler

Griswold Goodsoup:
Kay [E.] Kuter

King André,
Pirate 3:
Dave Fennoy

Voodoo Lady:
Leilani Jones-Wilmore

Palido Domingo,
Pirate 1:
George DelHoyo

Ghost Bride [Minnie "Stronie" Goodsoup]:
Mary Kay Bergman

Mr. Fossey:
Quinton Flynn

Stan:
Pat Pinney

Mort,
Stu Boyle,
Pirate 4:
Roger Behr

Pirate 5:
Glenn Quinn

Pirate 6:
Brendan Holmes

Fat Pirate:
Jan Eddy

Thin Pirate:
Chris Sena

.......................

Additional Design:
Chris Purvis
Chuck Jordan
Tim Schafer

Storyboards:
Marc Overney
Bill Tiller

Concept Art:
Derek Sakai
Mark Overney
Kevin Micallef
Larry Ahern
Bill Tiller
Steve Purcell
Ken Macklin

Additional 2D Animation:
David Bogan
Chris Schultz
Oliver Sin
David DeVan

Additional Backgrounds:
Chris Hockabout
Bill Eaken

Installer & Launcher:
Darren Johnson

Additional Programming:
Livia Mackin
Gary Keith Brubaker
Aaron Giles

Additional Testing:
Tabitha Tosti
Bob McGehee
Thomas Scott
Beau Kayser

International Programming:
Judith Lucero

International Lead Tester:
Matthew Azeveda

Burning Goddesses:
Wendy Kaplan
Kellie Walker

Manual:
Jo "Capt. Tripps" Ashburn
Mollie Boero

Manual Design:
Patty Hill

Technical Writing:
Chip Hinnenberg
Lynn Selk

Strategy Guide By:
Jo "Capt. Tripps" Ashburn

Additional Art Technicians:
Tabitha Tosti
Stephen Kalning
Doug Shannon
Aaron Muszalski
Michael Levine

Physical Ship Model Construction:
Wesley Anderson

"Stan's Theme" By:
Peter McConnell

"Voodoo Theme" By:
Clint Bajakian and Michael Land

"Guybrush Floating Theme" By:
Peter McConnell

Sound Mixing:
Clint Bajakian

Voice Recording Engineers:
Ernie Sheesley
Elliot Anders

Assistant Engineer:
Laurie Bean

Voice Recorded at Screenmusic Studios

Voice Engineering at LucasArts:
Jeff Kliment

Additional Production Coordination:
Linda Grisanti
Susan Upshaw
Kim Kowalski

Variable Bit Rate Adaptive Pulse Code
Modulation with Dynamic Error Correction:
Steve Splinter
Paul Wenker

"Monkeys Are Listening" Concept:
Casey Donahue Ackley

.......................

LUCASARTS ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY LLC

President:
Jack Sorensen

Director of Development:
Steve Dauterman

Director of Marketing and Sales:
Mary Bihr

Controller:
Tom McCarthy

Director of Business Affairs and
General Counsel:
Jeremy Salesin

Director of Human Resources:
Karen Chelini

Senior Manager of Information Systems:
Alex Gerson

Manager of Product Support:
Dan Gossett

Manager of International Business:
Lisa Star

International Operations Supervisor:
Judy Grossman

Manager of Quality Assurance:
Mark Cartwright

Supervisor of Quality Assurance:
Dan Connors

National Sales Manager:
Meredith Cahill

Manager of Sound Development:
Michael Land

Manager of Voice:
Tamlynn Niglio

Localization Department Manager:
Carole Degoulet

International Production:
Cindy Leung
Adam Pasztory
Caroline Eliot

Tools Manager:
Aric Wilmunder

Supervisor of Art Department:
Karen Purdy

Art Department Technical Manager:
Jessica Forys

Art Department Assistant:
Allison McGaha

Public Relations Manager:
Tom Sarris

Public Relations Specialist:
Heather Twist

Public Relations Assistant:
Josh Moore

Finance:
Dan Nystrom
Neena Bonetti
Christine Price
Phil Rouse
Ann Marie Nemanich
Diana Casas
Greg Robles
Richard Quiñones
Robin Visaya
Teena Gaulke
Sandra Li
Shane Hanson
Colleen Wilson
Polly Jenkins
Kristin Johnson
Sharon Lengele

Marketing:
Jason Deadrich
Zack Small
Patty Hill
Amanda Haverlock
Mollie Boero
Tom Byron
Barbara Gleason

Sales:
Jason Horstman
Anne Barson
Judy Allen
David Gershik
Janice Romano
Kari Zanotto
Laura Ricci
Tracey Fleming

Supervisor of Product Support:
Dave Harris

Product Support:
Alejandro Romero
Alyssa Clark
Amy Tiller
Beau Kayser
Bob McGehee
Bob Steffy
Brad Grantham
Brian Carlson
Catherine Haigler
Dan Gossett
Darren Brown
David Leighton
Dino Ago
Eric Kaudson
Jay Geraci
Jeff Gullett
Karsten Agler
Larry Collins
Lloyd Hess
Logan Parr
Paul Purdy
Robert Bailey
Scott Carter
Steven Cheung
Tabitha Tosti
Tony Burquez
Wesley Anderson

Human Resources:
Holly Green
Lisa Henley
Sangeeta Praashar

Information Systems:
Edward Chin
Ian Campbell
James Wood
Jim Gordon
Laurel Elaine Woods
Tom Caudle
Randy Severson
Erik Ellestad

Office Manager:
Catherine Durand

Administrative Support:
Jannett Shirley-Paul
Sherri Bridge
Sharron Drake
Peggy Stok
Lissa Klanor

Special Thanks To:
Kristi Dechairo
Casey Donahue Ackley
Laura, Michael, and Nancy Ackley
Mark Petersen and Dr. Janet Halesbo
Lisa Hansen
Cherie Micallef
Peter Hively
Stephanie Colon
Charles, Pat, and Skip Jordan
Amy Tiller
Alfredo Ignacio
Lee Ballard
Dee Overney
John Lyons
Peter McConnell
David Levison
Collette Michaud
Steve Purcell
Everyone at Transaction Software Technologies
Tim Schafer
Sean Clark
Michael Stemmle
Hal Barwood
Tony Hsieh
Stephen R. Shaw
Bret Mogilefsky
Garry and Melissa Gaber
Mark Christiansen
Gabriel McDonald
Donald Ago
Bob Roden
Judy Rosenfeld
Krista Hand
Annita Motte
Angie Brown
Jeff Grunden
Dave Grossman
Tami Borowick
Ron Gilbert

Very Special Thanks To:
George Lucas

Dedicated to the memory of Brett Barrett


* 3.3. SCRIPT MISCELLANY *

I. INSULT AND REPLY LIST

Here's a list of the insults and the proper rhyming counter-insults worthy of
"The Princess Bride".  Please note that one rhyming answer is worthy of two
insults: one from any one of the six pirates and one from Captain René
Rottingham.

 ____________________________________________________________________________
|No.| Pirate                | Captain Rottingham     | Rhyming Counter
|---+-----------------------+------------------------+-----------------------
| 1 | Every enemy I've met  | My attacks have left   | With your breath, I'm
|   | I've annihilated!     | entire islands         | sure they all
|   |                       | depopulated!           | suffocated.
|---|-----------------------|------------------------|-----------------------
| 2 | You're as repulsive   | You have the sex       | I look THAT much like
|   | as a monkey in a      | appeal of a Shar-Pei.  | your fiancée?
|   | negligee.             |                        |
|---|-----------------------|------------------------|-----------------------
| 3 | Killing you would be  | When I'm done, your    | Then killing you must
|   | justifiable homicide. | body will be rotted    | be justifiable
|   |                       | and putrefied!         | fungicide.
|---|-----------------------|------------------------|-----------------------
| 4 | You're the ugliest    | Your looks would make  | If you don't count
|   | monster ever created! | pigs nauseated.        | (all) the ones you've
|   |                       |                        | dated.
|---|-----------------------|------------------------|-----------------------
| 5 | I'll skewer you like  | Your lips look as they | When I'm done with
|   | a sow at a buffet!    | belong to the catch of | YOU, you'll be a
|   |                       | the day.               | boneless fillet.
|---|-----------------------|------------------------|-----------------------
| 6 | Would you like to be  | I give you a choice.   | With you around, I'd
|   | buried or cremated?   | You can be gutted, or  | prefer to be
|   |                       | decapitated!           | fumigated.
|---|-----------------------|------------------------|-----------------------
| 7 | When your father      | You're a disgrace to   | At least mine can be
|   | first saw you, he     | your species, you're   | identified.
|   | must have been        | so undignified!        |
|   | mortified.            |                        |
|---|-----------------------|------------------------|-----------------------
| 8 | I'll leave you        | I can't tell which of  | Your odor alone makes
|   | devastated, mutilated | my traits has you the  | me aggravated,
|   | and perforated.       | most intimidated.      | agitated and
|   |                       |                        | infuriated.
|---|-----------------------|------------------------|-----------------------
| 9 | I have never seen     | I have never lost a    | You would have, but
|   | such clumsy           | mêlée!                 | you were always
|   | swordplay.            |                        | running away.
|---|-----------------------|------------------------|-----------------------
|10 | I'll hound you night  | You'll find I'm dogged | Then be a good dog.
|   | and day!              | and relentless to my   | Sit!  Stay!
|   |                       | prey!                  |
|---|-----------------------|------------------------|-----------------------
|11 | I can't rest 'til     | Your stench would make | Then perhaps you
|   | you've been           | an outhouse cleaner    | should switch to
|   | exterminated!         | irritated!             | decaffeinated.
|---|-----------------------|------------------------|-----------------------
|12 | En garde!  Touché!    | Your mother wears a    | Oh, that is so cliché.
|   |                       | toupee!                |
|---|-----------------------|------------------------|-----------------------
|13 | Throughout the        | My skills with a sword | Too bad they're all
|   | Caribbean, my (great) | are highly venerated.  | fabricated.
|   | deeds are celebrated. |                        |
|---|-----------------------|------------------------|-----------------------
|14 | Coming face to face   | Never before have I    | Is that your face?  I
|   | with me must leave    | faced someone so       | thought it was your
|   | you petrified.        | sissified.             | backside.
|---|-----------------------|------------------------|-----------------------
|15 | You can't match my    | Nothing can stop me    | I could, if you would
|   | witty repartee.       | from blowing you away! | use some breath spray.
|---|-----------------------|------------------------|-----------------------
|16 | Heaven preserve me!   | Nothing on this earth  | The only way you'll be
|   | You look like         | can save your sorry    | preserved is in
|   | something that's      | hide!                  | formaldehyde.
|   | died!                 |                        |
|---+-----------------------+------------------------+-----------------------

II. COMPUTER CLOCK QUIRKS: GUYBRUSH THE SPEAKING CLOCK

Bet you didn't know that "The Curse of Monkey Island" has a real-life built-in
system time programmed for your computer, which breaks the fourth wall.  In
"Part II: The Curse Gets Worse", Plunder Island's sleepy little town of Puerto
Pollo has a clock that is located at the top of the Long John Silver Center for
the Performing Arts.  But this is no ordinary clock, as it is a real-time
system clock that is built in for your computer, telling you at what time you
played the game and keeping track of your current, local civil time.  At each
hour, the clock chimes in a bit of LeChuck's Theme followed by the chime of the
hour number (like 4 o'clock, for example, when the striking clock rings the
bell four times).  About 30 minutes after each hour (e.g., 4:30), the same bit
of LeChuck's theme plays, but without the chime of the hour number.  Even
cooler is that when Guybrush examines the clock tower, he will say what current
time will be in the Caribbean Standard Time in hours, minutes and seconds,
whether in morning, afternoon and night, acting like a speaking clock on the
phone at the time of day service.  Example: if it's 7:59:55 PM at night:

Guybrush: Good evening.  At the tone, Caribbean Standard Time will be...
...seven...  ...fifty...  ...nine...  ...and...  ...fifty...  ...five...
...seconds...  Beep!

When the clock chimes at 8:00:00 PM, and almost 27 seconds pass while he
examines the clock:

Guybrush: Good evening.  At the tone, Caribbean Standard Time will be...
...eight...  ...O'Clock...  ...and...  ...twenty...  ...seven...  ...seconds...
Beep!

III. COMPUTER CLOCK QUIRKS 2: "IT WAS SEVEN MONTHS AGO TODAY..."

That's not all to this "breaking-the-fourth-wall" current time.  There is
another guy who happens to be Palido Domingo, Slappy Cromwell's agent (which I
mentioned before in the "Disc 1 Game Script" section), and he tells you about
the current date and current month and how long ago (seven months, to be exact)
he's been lying in Brimstone Beach trying to get a tan, depending on how you
talked to him in your current month and date on your computer clock.  Below is
a chart on the names of the current months that Guybrush asks him how long, and
the name of the "seven-months-ago" that Palido answers:

 ___________________________________________________
| Guybrush: "How long have you | Palido: "Since..." |
| been out here?" in:          |                    |
+------------------------------+--------------------+
| January                      | "June.  Oh, and by |
|                              | the way... Happy   |
|                              | New Year."         |
|------------------------------|--------------------|
| February                     | "July."            |
|------------------------------|--------------------|
| March                        | "August."          |
|------------------------------|--------------------|
| April                        | "September."       |
|------------------------------|--------------------|
| May                          | "October."         |
|------------------------------|--------------------|
| June                         | "November."        |
|------------------------------|--------------------|
| July                         | "December."        |
|------------------------------|--------------------|
| August                       | "January."         |
|------------------------------|--------------------|
| September                    | "February."        |
|------------------------------|--------------------|
| October                      | "March."           |
|------------------------------|--------------------|
| November                     | "April."           |
|------------------------------|--------------------|
| December                     | "May."             |
+------------------------------+--------------------+

IV. AN OFFER YOU CAN'T REFUSE... WHAT A DOLL!

Remember the part when Guybrush tries to make a deal with King André for the
Goodsoup family diamond?  Well, if he falls down a bunch of times before
opening the umbrella and landing safely, when he arrives at the table to make a
deal with André and Cruff, Effete LaFoot will open the door, letting some of
the wind in, and André will look up at him in alarm.

André: Keep that door closed!

LaFoot: Sorry, I, I just wanted to make sure Mister Threepwood made it down all
right.

He will close the door, and you will get an opportunity to have Guybrush speak
with André.  If you choose the second option:

Guybrush: How about toys?  Do you have any toys?

André: As a matter of fact, a new shipment just arrived yesterday.  They're
sure to be bestsellers.  Here, take one.

André then puts a LeChuck doll on the table, and the doll moves toward Cruff
before stopping and turning to the camera.

LeChuck Doll: Arrgh!  Math be hard!  Let's go shoppin'!

The doll then walks up to André before stopping again.

LeChuck Doll: Let's bury some treasure!

The doll returns to Cruff before stopping again.

LeChuck Doll: My name's LeChuckie!

The doll moves back to André again.

LeChuckie: Just you wait 'til you fall asleep, little boy.

Guybrush takes the doll before continuing on.

If you choose "I'm still looking, thanks," and exit the cave, an underground
passage will open in front of the Lost Welshman.  If you show LeChuckie to the
Welshman:

Guybrush puts the zombie pirate toy onto the ground, and at once the doll
speaks up.

LeChuckie: Arrgh!  Math be hard!  Let's go shoppin'!

The doll climbs up the stairs before continuing.

LeChuckie: Let's build a sand castle!

It walks out of the hole before stopping.

LeChuckie: Ahoy there, matey!

It then comes closer to the Welshman's boat.

LeChuckie: I'll cut out yer tongue, and make ye eat it in a sandwich!

After a few seconds the doll walks back down the passage to the cave, and
Guybrush goes back down before placing the doll onto the table again.  The doll
walks up to Cruff again.

LeChuckie: You're the best shipmate ever! *(goes back to André again)* I want
to be your friend! *(plods to Cruff again)* Land Ho, Sailor! *(plods once more
to André)* I'll keelhaul yer mother!

Guybrush takes the doll again.

You can then talk to André and say, "I really had my heart set on that
diamond," and the story and deal will continue on as before.  Later on in Part
VI, when LeChuck appears on one of the four backgrounds on the Rollercoaster of
Death and you show the zombie pirate toy to him, he will look at LeChuckie:

LeChuck: Aww, how cute!  Let's see the little bugaboo run!

Guybrush places LeChuckie onto the floor, and LeChuck prepares to gather the
flames around his hands.

LeChuckie: Will you be my...

As the doll speaks, LeChuck burns it up in a quick move before looking at
Guybrush.

Guybrush: Hey, that's not very nice!

LeChuck: (in an evil cackle) Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha!  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

He will continue on as normal as his flames singe Guybrush's feet, and the
story will continue on as before until you complete the game.

V. GLITCHES AND OTHER TRIVIA

A. Intro/Part I

# After you choose any difficulty mode, there is a black screen that slowly
fades into the "CMI" logo, followed by a similar crescendo tune made by a sound
of monkeys and the words "The monkeys are listening..."  This is a parody of
the THX logo that is played at the beginning of a movie in any sound format
(Dolby Digital, SDDS, Dolby Stereo, Ultra-Stereo), complete with a Deep Note
crescendo tune used in THX trailers and the popular words, "The audience is
listening." (BTW, THX was developed by Tomlinson Holman at Lucasfilm in 1983 to
ensure that the soundtrack for "Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi" would
be accurately produced in the best venues; the Deep Note crescendo tune itself
was created by Holman's co-worker James A. Moorer.  Oh, and THX stands for
Tomlinson Holman's eXperiment.)

# Although not spoken by name throughout the first part, the ship where LeChuck
has taken Guybrush captive is The Death Starfish, which is likely a pun on the
Death Star from the "Star Wars" series.

# The verb coin throughout the entire game is a reference to the verb coin in
another LucasArts™ game, "Full Throttle".

# When you speak to Wally B. Feed, you can select "I'm selling these fine
leather jackets," which has been a running gag in the "Monkey Island" series
since "The Secret of Monkey Island", which has borrowed the catchphrase from
the 1989 LucasArts™ game "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: The Graphic
Adventure".

# When Guybrush looks through the keyhole in the door of the treasure hold, he
says, "I see a diorama of the children of the world living in peace and
freedom.  No, wait.  It can't be that.  It's just too dark to make out what's
in there."  This is probably a reference to the Disneyland attraction called
"It's a Small World", which was originally titled "Children of the World".

# Even though you have an unlimited amount of cannonballs in the shooting
scene, you can type in "lapostal", and you will get a message that says you
have an unlimited amount of cannonballs at your disposal.  Very weird indeed.
You can also type "lapostal" again in an attempt to turn it off.  Oh, and in
case you didn't notice, this weird code is a spoof/reference to LucasArts™'
1995 first-person shooter game "Star Wars: Dark Forces" (the first game under
the Jedi Engine), where the cheat code of "lapostal" gave you all guns in the
PC version, and all weapons and ammo in the Macintosh version. (Ironically, the
game's sequel, "Star Wars Jedi Knight: Dark Forces II", was released on October
9, 1997, about three weeks and a day before "The Curse of Monkey Island".
Thanks to Laserschwert for this overlooked Easter Egg!)

# Murray, the Demonic Talking Skull, was originally intended to be featured
only in Part I, but he became so popular with test players that he was written
to reappear in several points in the game.  (He would make a comeback in
"Escape from Monkey Island", though in a guest appearance, and in the more
recent "Tales of Monkey Island", especially in "Chapter 3: Lair of the
Leviathan".

# Also, when Guybrush asks Murray, "Can I call you BOB?" he is making a
reference to LeChuck's luckless First Officer from "The Secret of Monkey
Island", a ghostly skeletal figure who continuously and literally loses his
head (it is also hinted that he was once an old friend of Meathook, Otis, and
Carla the Swordmaster, since he has no ill will against the living and appears
courteous to them, Guybrush, and Herman Toothrot).

# Funny tidbit: In the scene where LeChuck holds his voodoo cannon ball and
prepares himself to use it to "blast [his] significant other [Elaine] into the
significant otherworld", if you look closely at the side of the cannonball, you
can see the initials "LC+EM" inside the shape of a heart, which is short for
"LeChuck and Elaine Marley".

# When Wally returns after Guybrush has inadvertently placed a cursed ring on
Elaine's finger in proposal, Guybrush asks, "[H]ow did you survive the
explosion?!!", and Wally answers, "Oh, I was thrown clear.  I'm just lucky I
wasn't wearing my seat belt."  Wally's quote is probably a reference to the
incident that happened to George Lucas, who survived the near-fatal car
accident as a teen for a reason: he was thrown from the vehicle as it rolled
over when his seat belt snapped -- a racing harness which Lucas has stated
should never have been broken.

# Also, though not spoken by name, the cursed diamond ring that Guybrush has
picked up from LeChuck's treasure hold and placed on Elaine's finger, turning
her into a gold statue, may be referred to as the Midas Diamond ring, named
after the King Midas of Greek mythology, whom Dionysus, the Greek god of wine,
had given the ability to turn everything he touched into gold, including his
food and his daughter; Midas later found out that the gift was a curse and,
with the aid of Dionysus, washed off the powers of gold into the river
Pactolus, turning its sands into gold as well.  That may explain the Midas
Diamond ring's curse that became true to its name. (The ring is later one of
the ingredients used to assemble and create the Cursed Cutlass of Kaflu in
"Tales of Monkey Island".)

B. Part II

# After Elaine has been stolen by the Pirates of Danjer Cove, but before
Guybrush asks the Voodoo Lady where he's going to find "a huge, uncursed
diamond ring", in one of the topics you may choose before his question, he may
lament that turning Elaine back from being a gold statue may be difficult, and
the Voodoo Lady may say that he should be grateful that Elaine wasn't turned
into a swan.  This is a reference to Cygna Threadbare, mother of the main
character Bobbin Threadbare of the LucasArts™ game "LOOM™".

# When Guybrush says, "Blood Island sounds dangerous!  Ya have to come with
me!" the Voodoo Lady responds that she can't travel anymore, but he is
persistent and says, "You've got to come!  You're my only hope!" (a reference
to "Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope") to which she responds with, "No,
Guybrush.  There is another" (a reference, again, this time to "Star Wars
Episode VI: Return of the Jedi").

# One question that Guybrush asks the Voodoo Lady for advice is, "I want to
know more about the Aztec god, Quetzalcoatl."  Quetzalcoatl is indeed a
Mesoamerican deity whose name comes from the Nahuatl language and has the
meaning of "feathered-serpent"; he was also the patron god of the Aztec
priesthood, of learning and knowledge; the inventor of books and the calendar,
the giver of maize (corn) to mankind, and sometimes a symbol of death and
resurrection.  Also, the Voodoo Lady's mention of the way that Quetzalcoatl is
portrayed as a "really sweet guy" and "not at all as bloodthirsty as they make
him out to be" is a reference both to the widely-held belief that Spanish
conquistador Hernán Cortés was considered by the Aztecs and their Emperor
Moctezuma II to be the legendary feathered-serpent, but later accompanied his
men for the massacre of the Aztecs in the Main Temple at Tenochtitlan in Mexico
in 1520; and to the theory that Quetzalcoatl, as a bearded white god who came
from the sky and promised to return, could be either a New Testament-era
apostle of Jesus Christ, such as St. Thomas in Roman Catholicism, or Jesus
himself in Mormonism.  That latter theory was adapted in the 1987 short story
"America" by science fiction author and Mormon Orson Scott Card, who later
contributed the dialogue to three LucasArts™ games "LOOM™", "The Dig", and
"The Secret of Monkey Island" (especially with the insult swordfighting in
TSOMI!).

# Speaking of "Star Wars", when Guybrush goes to the Brimstone Beach Club and
Smorgy without a membership club card and speaks to the Cabaña Boy, you can
choose the topic, "You don't need to see my identification," and Guybrush will
use a Jedi mind trick on him.  Unfortunately, he will see through Guybrush's
mind trick and prevent him from entering the club. (If Guybrush already has the
card when he speaks with the Cabaña Boy, he will only say, "Why?" when asked if
he would show him the card.)

# As aforementioned, the name of Edward Van Helgen, a skilled banjo player, is
a pun on Van Halen's guitarist Eddie Van Halen.

# The Barbery Coast, the name of Puerto Pollo's hairdressing salon, is a pun on
the Barbary Coast, which is a northwest coast of Africa, and presumably a
reference to the Barbary Pirates.

# In the Mega-Monkey difficulty, after Guybrush saves Cutthroat Bill by helping
him cough up the jawbreaker out of his lungs, the name of the maneuver that
Bill thinks up, the "Threepwood Maneuver", is a pun on the Heimlich maneuver,
which is an abdominal thrust that is named after Henry Heimlich, who had
described the procedure in a June 1974 article published in the "Emergency
Medicine" journal.

# When Van Helgen tells Guybrush, "If you want to duel with me, you have to
give me sufficient insult," one of the insults that Guybrush attempts to use
is, "How appropriate.  You fight like a cow."  This is a reference to one of
the swordfight insults in "The Secret of Monkey Island", in which one makes a
call of, "You fight like a dairy farmer," and another responds with, "How
appropriate.  You fight like a cow."

# The name of one audition song, "Plunder on My Mind", is a pun on the U.S.
state of Georgia's official state song "Georgia on My Mind", written in 1930;
while the lyrics of "PoMM" are a spoof of the Mother Goose rhyme "Mary, Mary,
Quite Contrary", published around 1744.

# The name of the other audition song, "There's a Monkey in My Pocket", is
probably a spoof on other children's songs, especially "Miss Susie".  That
audition song would carry over to "Tales of Monkey Island Chapter 4: The Trial
and Execution of Guybrush Threepwood" when Guybrush examines Jacques the Monkey
as evidence to prove his innocence in one of the five charges against him
(Guybrush sings this in a better tone this time in Chapter 4).

# Also, the other song, "Silver's Long Johns", and the name of the Long John
Silver Center for the Performing Arts are puns on the name of former sea cook
Long John Silver from Robert Louis Stevenson's 1883 novel "Treasure Island".
Plus, "Silver's Long Johns" is a parody of underwear commercials, especially
"Fruit of the Loom".

# When Guybrush goes to the magic hat with the magic wand, he says, "Nothing up
my sleeve..." then waves the wand a bit and makes a ventriloquism book appear
as he says, "Presto!" then he's surprised to see that the magic trick worked.
This is probably a reference to "The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show", where in each
one of the running-gag segments that leads to a supporting feature, Bullwinkle
J. Moose would interrupt Rocky the Flying Squirrel's "And now..." with "Hey,
Rocky!  Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!" to the latter's dismissal,
"Again?!"; and Bullwinkle would literally rip out his shirt sleeve before
continuing with, "Nothing up my sleeve... Presto!", only to pull out something
unexpected instead, like a bear or a lion, and he would respond with "Guess I
don't know my own strength," or "No doubt about it, I'm gonna get another hat."
(Eventually in the last segment, after Bullwinkle interrupts with another
rabbit-out-of-my-hat trick, Rocky would reply, "But this trick NEVER works!",
to which Bullwinkle would respond with, "This time for sure!  Presto!", only to
pull Rocky out of the hat instead, and he would reply, "Well, that was close.")

# When Guybrush tries to pick up the donkey head, he says, "I don't wanna look
like a jackass," before turning to the camera and saying, "Yeah, yeah, I know
what you're thinking.  So knock it off!"  This "jackass" quote is a pun on the
word, which has a few meanings: 1. a male donkey; 2. a foolish or stupid
person; and 3. an inappropriately rude or obnoxious person.  Weird!

# The title of the Ventriloquism Book, "The A-mfggh-C's of Ventriloquism", is
actually called "The ABC's of Ventriloquism", but even Guybrush knows that the
"B" cannot be pronounced when you perform an act on this art.  This is a
reference to the difficulty that the sounds that ventriloquists make must be
made with lips slightly separated, and for the labial sounds of "B", "F", "M",
"P" and "V", the only choice is to replace them with other sounds, like a "G",
for example.  If variations of the sounds "TH", "D", "T" and "N" are spoken
quickly, it can be difficult for listeners to notice a difference.

# If Guybrush has the Ventriloquism Book and uses it on Captain René Rottingham
in The Barbery Coast before putting the lice on the comb, one of quotes in his
ventriloquy may say, "Make me balder than Largo LaGrande."  Largo is LeChuck's
former henchman who had blocked Guybrush's progress and brought LeChuck back as
a zombie in "Monkey Island 2: LeChuck's Revenge" and later in its most recent
"Special Edition".

# When Guybrush tries getting Captain Rottingham off the barber's chair
(unsuccessfully), one of the lines that Guybrush shouts to distract him is "The
calls are coming from within the barber shop!  You must get out immediately!",
which is a reference to the line from the 1979 Alfred Hitchcock film "When a
Stranger Calls".

# The Scottish last names of Haggis McMutton, Jake McJuggernaut, and Angus
McFulcrum are puns on the words mutton (the flesh of sheep used as food, from
the old French word meaning "sheep"), juggernaut (a literal or metaphorical
force or object regarded as unstoppable, that will crush all in its path, from
the Hindu/Urdu/Sanskrit word meaning "lord of the universe", with an English
form influenced by the suffix "-naut", or "traveler"), and fulcrum (the support
on which a lever pivots, from the Latin word meaning "bedpost").  Also, Haggis'
name is a pun on the name of a traditional Scottish pudding dish made from
minced offal and oatmeal, etc., seasoned and boiled in the stomach of a sheep
or any other animal, which explains both his nickname and his actual given
name.

# The banjo duel with Guybrush and Van Helgen is a spoof on an impromptu
bluegrass banjo jam in which Drew joins the banjo-playing boy in the 1972 film
"Deliverance".  Also, after Guybrush shoots Van Helgen's banjo, he tells Van
Helgen, "You can't be sure of that.  That shot may have come from the grassy
knoll."  This is a spoof on the 1991 film "JFK", where a mysterious smoke
appears in the Grassy Knoll and it is said in the film that the gunshot could
have come from the Grassy Knoll, although the smoke did not come from a rifle.

# Also, while Van Helgen is performing a wicked banjo solo, but BEFORE you beat
him with a pistol, you can have Guybrush go back to The Barbery Coast and look
at the picture of Max (from the "Sam & Max" series) on the left where Van
Helgen once stood. (Thanks to Javi-Wan Kenobi for yet ANOTHER overlooked Easter
Egg like this one!  :D)

# The rubber tree from "The Secret of Monkey Island" makes a return at the
Field of Honor in "Curse" and later in "Tales of Monkey Island Chapter 2: The
Siege of Spinner Cay".

# During the time when Guybrush is swallowed up by a man-eating snake, he finds
a whole lot of items that had been eaten by the snake: Fabergé Egg, vacuum
cleaner attachments, eggs, encyclopedia, naturalist remains, old phone book,
pancake syrup (used to mix with the ipecac flower), pancakes, reservation slip,
spare tire, stuffed Dinghy Dog™, top-secret plans, and a coffee cup, which can
be identified if you open up the inventory.  If you look at the coffee cup, you
will find that it has a LucasArts™ logo labeled on it.

# If you put the paste on the skeleton arm and use it at the top-left corner
when you're stuck in the quicksand on the way to Danjer Cove,  Guybrush will
suddenly walk out of the quicksand for no reason and onto the top and act as if
you'd shown something to the feral chicken:

Guybrush: I don't think she'd like that.

# Captain Blondebeard's Chicken Shoppe and its value meals and the walk-thru
speaker are mostly a parody of Kentucky Fried Chicken (or KFC for short), whose
franchise was founded by Colonel Harlan Sanders in 1952, though the idea of its
fried chicken goes all the way back to 1930.

# El Pollo Diablo (The Devil Chicken) and his legends and lore about the way he
frees his fellow chickens while killing those who would cook and eat them at
Puerto Pollo are probably a parody of the legendary Chupacabras (Spanish for
"goat-sucker"), a cryptid rumored to inhabit parts of the Americas; whose name
comes from the animal's reported habit of drinking the blood of livestock,
especially goats; and whose eyewitness sightings were first reported in Puerto
Rico in March 1995.

# When Guybrush speaks to the quiet patron and tries pushing him, he is shocked
to find that the patron is a skeleton resembling Manny Calavera from "Grim
Fandango", with a button that says "Ask me about Grim Fandango™", and when he
tries to talk to the patron, it will say nothing, with Guybrush assuming that
he is "lousy at marketing."  When you try to pick up the button, Guybrush will
say, "I don't want people always asking me about Grim Fandango™."  "Grim
Fandango" is a LucasArts™ game that was in development at the time of the
game's release, and was originally scheduled for release in the first half of
1998, but due to the delay, the release date was pushed back to October 30,
1998, a year after the release of "Curse".  Also, Guybrush's conversation with
the quiet patron about "Grim Fandango™" is a reference to TSoMI, where Guybrush
speaks with Cobb, the guy at the SCUMM Bar, who wears a button that says, "Ask
me about LOOM™"; Guybrush complies to the button's advice and asks him, after
which Cobb advertises about said game (released in January 1990, about 9 months
before TSoMI's release).

# Again, as aforementioned, Palido Domingo's name is a pun on the name of the
Spanish tenor Plácido Domingo, one of the Three Tenors.

# Kenny Falmouth's appearance and voice and the way he shouts, "MOM!!!" are a
spoof of the appearance of Eric Cartman (an obese kid) and the name of Kenny
McCormick (a boy prone to death time and time again) in the 1997 adult-themed
cartoon series "South Park".  Also, there is another "South Park" reference in
the second cutscene where, after the two pirates have been turned into
skeletons by LeChuck, one fat pirate tells a thin pirate about appearance and
says, "Hey!  What d'ya know?  I really AM big-boned!", which is a reference to
when Cartman shouts out, "I'm not fat, I'm big-boned!"  XD

# Also, in a reference to "South Park", the Chicken Shoppe's walk-thru speaker
speaks in words that are unintelligible and hard to understand, like Kenny
McCormick's mumbles through his parka in the show.

# The disclaimer next to Kenny's Lemonade Stand says, "The Surgeon General of
Plunder Island has determined that ingredients in this product may be harmful
or fatal if swallowed."  This is probably a parody of the U.S. Surgeon
General's Tobacco packaging warning messages, especially "Caution: Harmful or
Fatal if Swallowed".

# You can skip the conversation with Slappy Cromwell and just grab the real mug
from Palido Domingo without telling him anything at the Brimstone Beach Club
and Smorgy, yet when you place the bottomless mug on him and pour the red dye,
Guybrush will go to him and say, "Look, Palido!  You're burning!"  How come he
knows Palido's name even though he hasn't spoken to him or Slappy?!  :P

# Mr. Fossey's name and the way he hears voices in his head and interacts with
the monkeys at Danjer Cove, especially Captain LeChimp, are a parody of the
life of zoologist Dian Fossey (1932-1985), who is known for saving the mountain
gorillas from extinction and from poachers in Rwanda, and who met her sudden,
untimely demise on December 26, 1985.  Most of her life is described in her
1983 bestselling book, "Gorillas in the Mist", most of which was made into a
motion picture adaptation 5 years later, with Sigourney Weaver as Dian Fossey.

# When Guybrush arrives at The Sea Cucumber in an attempt to meet the pirates
of Danjer Cove, the song that is heard from inside before it gets interrupted
is "Dead Man's Chest", a fictional sea shanty originally from Stevenson's
aformentioned novel "Treasure Island"; Stevenson had found the name "Dead Man's
Chest" in Charles Kingsley's 1871 book, "At Last: A Christmas in the West
Indies", in reference to the Dead Chest Island in the British Virgin Islands.
(The "Dead Man's Chest" shanty would be expanded into a poem called "Derelict"
by Young E. Allison.)

# When Mr. Fossey and his "pirates of Danjer Cove" make Guybrush walk the plank
and Fossey asks him if he has any last words, the top one of the choices of
"last words", "I regret that I have but one life to give for love!", is a spoof
on the alleged last words of Captain Nathan Hale before he was hanged by the
British for espionage in 1776: "I only regret that I have but one life to lose
for my country."

# When you try to pick up the porcelain pitcher in Mr. Fossey's quarters,
Guybrush will say that he hates porcelain and will talk about it later; yet
when he examines porcelain objects in the Goodsoup hotel on Blood Island, he
never explains why it makes him feel bad.  Bill Tiller, lead artist on "Curse",
has revealed that the "porcelain" thing is "just a joke".  It has been
suggested that Guybrush's fear of porcelain may be the result of his being hit
by a porcelain vase, when he actually uses the vase to hit an unseen guard in
Governor Elaine's mansion in "The Secret of Monkey Island".  However, his
dislike for porcelain has continued on in "Tales of Monkey Island Chapter 1:
Launch of the Screaming Narwhal".

# When Guybrush makes a ventriloquy on Captain LeChimp, he does this in a bad
William Shatner impression (which is kind of similar to Captain Kirk for all
you "Star Trek" fans out there!  :D).

# When Slappy performs "'SPEARE!  A theatrical medley" for the Pirates of
Danjer Cove, he recites some famous dialogue from William Shakespeare's plays
as follows:

1. In the rehearsal scene:
   a. "Hamlet" ("Ta swab, or not t'swab...")
   b. "Titus Andronicus" (Guybrush thinks of becoming director for "Titus
      Andronicus on Ice")
   c. "Romeo & Juliet" (Slappy claims that it has a surprise ending unlike the
      tragic one, as well as the "cannonball juggling scene"; "A pirate, by any
      other name, would still reek!  Aargh!")
   d. "Julius Caesar" ("Then I kill Caesar... follow that up with a little soft
      shoe.")

2. In the reciting scene:
   a. "Pee-eew, Brute!  Then fall, Caesar!" - parody of "Et tu, Brute?  Then
      fall, Caesar!" from "Julius Caesar".
   b. "Romeo, Romeo!  Where art thou treasure Romeo?" - parody of "O Romeo,
      Romeo, wherefore [i.e., why] art thou Romeo?" from "Romeo & Juliet"

3. In the juggling scene:
   a. "Is this a dagger I see before me?  No, it's three!" - "Macbeth"
   b. "Alas, poor Yorick!  I knew him...  And his two pals!" - "Hamlet"

# In the Mega-Monkey difficulty, while Guybrush is playing with the lights
inside the Long John Silver Center for the Performing Arts, some of the lights
form to reveal an image of a rabbit named Max (another reference to the "Sam &
Max" series!).

C. Part III

# The main title for Part III, "Three Sheets to the Wind", is a reference to
the Phatt City Library book useful for identifying Rapp Scallion's coffin in
MI2:LCR.  Also, the phrase "three sheets to the wind" refers to someone who is
intoxicated and compares the drunk to a ship whose sailing sheets have come
loose.

# When Captain Rottingham starts an insult swordfight with, "Every enemy I've
met I've annihilated!", Guybrush cluelessly responds with, "Oh, yeah!  Well...
You fight like a cow!", which is, as I've mentioned before, a reference to one
of the insult swordfighting lines in "The Secret of Monkey Island".

# The interactive song mini-game, "A Pirate I Was Meant to Be", and the rhyming
insult swordfighting (especially with René Rottingham) are a spoof on the
rhyming swordfight game in "The Princess Bride", a 1973 novel written by
William Goldman and adapted into a 1987 movie by director Rob Reiner.  Plus,
the song's lyrics are a spoof on the lyrics of the song of the Knights of the
Round Table from the 1975 cult classic "Monty Python and the Holy Grail".

# If you press Shift+V, followed by Y during the ship combat, you will get a
message that says, "Are you sure you want to CHEAT ship combat?"  You will then
skip the combat and go straight to the swordfight with any one of the pirates.
It's cool if you don't want a long, hard battle.

# Also, during the ship combat, press Shift+J and the upcoming swordfight with
any one of the pirates will have swords clash and emit lightsaber sounds that
are a reference to the "Star Wars" series, even though these swords don't
become lightsabers themselves.  :(

D. Part IV

# The main title for Part IV, "The Bartender, the Thieves, His Aunt, and Her
Lover", is a spoof on the 1989 French/British romantic crime drama, "The Cook,
the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover", written and directed by Peter Greenaway and
starring Richard Bohringer, Michael Gambon, Helen Mirren and Alan Howard.

# Guybrush's mispronunciation of Madame Xima's name on the plaque as "Madame
Eczema" is a pun on eczema, an acute or chronic inflammation of the skin,
characterized by redness, itching, and the outbreak of oozing vesicular lesions
which become encrusted and scaly, a skin condition that is noncontagious.

# The recipes for Yellow Beard's Baby, The Bloody Stump, The Blue Whale and
Phlegm and Tonic on Pages 2-5 are references to the drinks that are available
at The Bloody Lip Bar and Grill in Woodtick in "Monkey Island 2: LeChuck's
Revenge", and to the latter drink (green) that is made from a concoction of
Yellow Beard's Baby (yellow) and The Blue Whale (blue) as a strategy used in
that game as well.  Also, The Bloated Tick on the recipe book's Page 6 is an
item that is ordered after Griswold Goodsoup is cured of his hangover.

# The recipe on Captain Blondebeard's Tasty, Buttery Biscuit (also an
obtainable item in the Mega-Monkey Difficulty) as a courtesy of the editor's
friend's aunt who was "charged 500 pieces of eight for a 'complimentary' copy
of the recipe, and has distributed it for free in retaliation" in Appendix C on
Page 11 of "Pirate Potables" is a spoof on a popular urban legend about a woman
and her daughter who are wrongfully charged $250 on a Neiman Marcus cookie
recipe; the woman photocopies the recipe, urging her friends to distribute it
for free in retaliation. (Similar stories have been around since the late
1940s, when it first appeared as a $25 fudge cake recipe, then popped up in the
1960s as the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel red velvet cake recipe, and finally re-
emerged in the 1970s as the Mrs. Fields cookie recipe.) Although the story is
untrue, Neiman Marcus published a cookie recipe to quell rumors, and there is
also another cookie recipe (slightly different than the former one) written by
Kevin Garvin in 1995 and published on the company's website; both recipes are
on the company's website for free.

# Old Blind Pew, the sleeping dog near Mort's house in the cemetery on Blood
Island, is named after Blind Pew in Stevenson's aforementioned novel "Treasure
Island".

# The name of the Blackbeard's Deck-Maker Workbench near Mort's house is
probably a spoof on the name of the Black & Decker corporation, which was a
corporation based in Towson, Maryland, United States, that designed and
imported power tools and accessories, hardware and home improvement products,
and technology based fastening systems until 2010, when Stanley Works merged
with the company to become Stanley Black & Decker.

# If you try to use the scissors on Old Blind Pew, Guybrush will say nothing.
However, it may result in a glitch.  I'm not sure if it does, though.

# When you try to make Guybrush pick up the seawater on the beach near the
Goodsoup Plantation Resort Hotel and Casino, he says, "I really don't want to
go in the ocean".  Yet if you do this about 25 times, he will turn to the
camera and say, "Well, if you insist..." and go under the ocean, where there is
a pier atop of it from "The Secret of Monkey Island"; there, he sees his own
VGA-style bloated corpse tied to an idol, but does not recognize the corpse and
leaves (kind of different than in "Tales of Monkey Island", where Guybrush's
spirit goes to Club 41 through one rip in the Crossroads and recognizes his own
corpse posed as holding a dartboard in a wake attended by a few friends before
he goes back through the Crossroads to the Manatee Mating Grounds to find a way
to repossess his own body).  This is a reference to said TSoMI, where Sheriff
Fester Shinetop ties Guybrush to his stolen idol and tosses them both into the
ocean, and if Guybrush doesn't free himself and get out before the ten minutes
are up, he will drown and become "fish food".  In "Curse", however, you can
make him go into the ocean again, and this time he will explore the ocean as
you can make him examine stuff there.  I think that if he stays underwater for
too long after the ten minutes are up, he may automatically return to the
surface.  I'm not sure about this, but if anyone has any info about it, please
e-mail me, okay?

# Mt. Acidophilus, the volcano on Blood Island, is named after a group of
probiotics, often added to milk or sold as a capsule, which contains one or
more bacteria that aid in digestion, with one of the bacteria, Lactobacillus
acidophilus, having a Latin name that means "acid-loving milk-bacterium."

# Someone has told me that in the German version of this game, Guybrush tells
Lemonhead that he wants to be like someone named "Hannibal" instead of a
"cannon ball" in the U.S. version.  I'm not sure, but I'm quite positive, if
I'm not mistaken.

# The name of Griswold Goodsoup's planned play, "Voulez Vous Vichyssoise", is
probably a pun on "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?" ("You wanna sleep with me?"),
a French phrase well-known in the English-speaking world through popular songs
including Patti LaBelle's band Labelle's 1974 song "Lady Marmalade".

# The billboard near the entrance of the Goodsoup hotel lists a showgirl
cabaret, "High Explosive", as starring "Willamina, Temptress of the Caldera."
Willamina's name is probably a spoof on Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.

# After Guybrush is buried alive by Mort the Gravedigger in one of Stan's Kozy
Krypts (which is soon to be Mutual of Stan), the words "THE END" and "You
scored 0 of 800 points." appear, right before Guybrush's embarrassed voice
shouts from his coffin.  These on-screen words are a spoof on the "Game Over"
lock-out scene from the 1989 LucasArts™ game "Indiana Jones and the Last
Crusade: The Graphic Adventure", in which the player had to reach the maximum
Indy Quotient (IQ) of 800 points by finding alternative solutions to puzzles,
which was very difficult because of some of the alternative fights, especially
the fight with the Zeppelin attendant.  Also, this fake "game over" scene is a
reference to the death scenes of Sierra Entertainment™ adventure games, which
TSoMI's "falling off a cliff" scene also references.

# There is an abandoned spider web on the very left of the interior of the
Mutual of Stan.  Guybrush will wonder where the spider went if he examines the
web, yet when you exit and reenter the mutual about 40 times or so, Stan will
disappear, yet Guybrush will see a figure in an orange spacesuit caught in a
spider web under a spider.  The figure is reporter Maggie Robbins, who needs to
be rescued before the giant spider consumes her in the LucasArts™ game "The
Dig".

# Also, there is another "The Dig" reference in which Guybrush can put his hand
in the crack in the wall of the Goodsoup family crypt and jokingly say (in a
bad German accent) that his hand is stuck and needs to be cut off -- in a
similar reference to the part when Dr. Ludger Brink's arm is pinned in an
earthquake while he's trying to reach a life crystal stuck deep in a crevice,
and needs to be cut off in order to free him.

# Speaking of the Goodsoup family crypt, when Guybrush and Minnie "Stronie"
Goodsoup introduce each other, Minnie says that she wanted to marry someone
dangerous, like a pirate, then asks, "By the way, what do you do for a living?"
to which Guybrush replies, "Flooring inspector."  This is a reference to "The
Secret of Monkey Island", when Guybrush tells a lookout at the beginning that
he wants to be a pirate, and the lookout tells him, "So you want to be a
pirate, eh?  You look more like a flooring inspector."

# There is also another reference to "Secret" in the crypt when Guybrush looks
at a crumbling hole in the ceiling and squeezes through to find that he is in a
stump in the forest of Mêlée Island from TSoMI, which somehow looks familiar to
him; a roar is heard, and he spots an unseen horde of "stunningly-rendered
rabid jaguars" in fright before he quickly gets back into the crypt.  This is a
reference to the infamous "Stump Joke" in the floppy disk version of TSoMI,
where Guybrush looks at the stump and sees a hole in it that leads to the
catacombs, yet when he sticks his head in, the game prompts the player to
insert "disk 23" (which the end credits have an entry for "art and animation",
which is also a joke), "disk 47", and "disk 114", though the game itself was
distributed on four or eight floppies; after the latter prompt, Guybrush gives
up and says he has to "skip that part of the game."  Of course, many people
didn't get the joke and kept calling LucasArts™ tech support for help with the
"missing disk"; LucasArts™ had to remove the stump joke for the Sega CD, PC CD,
and 2009 Special Edition versions of the game so as not to confuse players
anymore.  Hence only people who still had the floppy disk version of TSoMI
would recognize this quirk in "Curse" as Guybrush has finally made his way to
that "disk 23"!  Sweet!  XD

# One of the posters in Mort the Gravedigger's house is labeled "Mobey Dick",
which is a spoof on Herman Melville's 1851 novel "Moby-Dick" (a.k.a. "The
Whale").  Also, one of Mort's horror fiction novels is titled "Masque of the
Red Mud", which is a spoof on Edgar Allan Poe's 1842 short story "The Masque of
the Red Death".  Plus, "The Grog That Drank People" is a work-in-progress
horror novel that Mort is writing; it's one in a three-part series, which
causes Guybrush to wonder why all trashy media comes in threes, possibly a
reference to LucasArts™' creation of the movie trilogies, including the
original "Star Wars" trilogy, the "Indiana Jones" trilogy, etc.

# When examining the pictures of the Goodsoup family in the hotel upstairs and
the Goodsoup Family History book, you may notice that their names are puns on
the names of soups as follows:

 _____________________________________________________________
|No.|   Goodsoup Family Member Name   | Pun(s) on the Name... |
|---+---------------------------------+-----------------------|
| 1 | Baron Salmon Bisque de          | Bisque, a thick,      |
|   | Goodsoup, founder of the        | creamy soup made from |
|   | largest chain of all-soup       | fish, shellfish, meat |
|   | restaurants in the western      | or vegetables         |
|   | hemisphere, starting in Scabb   |                       |
|   | Island                          |                       |
|---|---------------------------------|-----------------------|
| 2 | Count Gazpacho Goodsoup, a      | Gazpacho, a cold      |
|   | cold-hearted canning magnate    | tomato soup of        |
|   |                                 | Spanish origin        |
|---|---------------------------------|-----------------------|
| 3 | Duchess Cream of Goodsoup,      | Cream soup, noodle    |
|   | member of the Noodle-Goodsoup   | soup                  |
|   | family                          |                       |
|---|---------------------------------|-----------------------|
| 4 | Marquis Peter and Marquise      | Vichyssoise, a thick, |
|   | Victoria Soise-Goodsoup of      | creamy soup made from |
|   | Consommé, a royal husband-and-  | potatoes, leeks and   |
|   | wife couple                     | onions; consommé, a   |
|   |                                 | clear broth made from |
|   |                                 | reduced meat or       |
|   |                                 | vegetable stock,      |
|   |                                 | served either hot as  |
|   |                                 | a soup or chilled as  |
|   |                                 | a jelly               |
|---|---------------------------------|-----------------------|
| 5 | Baron C. Lambert Chowder-       | Clam chowder, a type  |
|   | Goodsoup, a.k.a. Clammy and Old | of a thick, creamy    |
|   | Chowder Goodsoup, pioneer of    | soup or stew made     |
|   | Crouton Technology, great-      | from clams and        |
|   | grandfather of Griswold         | usually potatoes,     |
|   | Goodsoup                        | with numerous         |
|   |                                 | variations; crouton,  |
|   |                                 | a small, often        |
|   |                                 | seasoned, piece of    |
|   |                                 | dry or fried bread,   |
|   |                                 | served with soup or   |
|   |                                 | salad                 |
|---|---------------------------------|-----------------------|
| 6 | Minerva Stroneheim-Goodsoup,    | Minestrone, any one   |
|   | a.k.a. Minnie "Stronie"         | of many thick Italian |
|   | Goodsoup, Baroness of Borscht,  | vegetable soups;      |
|   | Southern-accented belle of      | borscht, a beetroot/  |
|   | Blood Island and great-aunt of  | beet soup that can be |
|   | Griswold Goodsoup               | served hot or cold,   |
|   |                                 | usually with sour     |
|   |                                 | cream                 |
|---|---------------------------------|-----------------------|
| 7 | Charles DeGoulash, suitor that  | An amalgam of the     |
|   | Minnie Goodsoup could have      | French general        |
|   | fallen for, known as the guest  | Charles DeGaulle and  |
|   | that never left                 | goulash, a Hungarian  |
|   |                                 | stew of beef or veal  |
|   |                                 | and vegetables,       |
|   |                                 | flavored with paprika |
|---|---------------------------------|-----------------------|
| 8 | M.M. Goodsoup, author and       | The Campbell's Soup   |
|   | writer of "The Goodsoups: A     | Company slogan: "M'm! |
|   | Life in Pictures"               | M'm!  Good!"          |
+---+---------------------------------+-----------------------+

# In the Mega-Monkey difficulty, when Guybrush tries convincing Griswold
Goodsoup to be a part of the family (before he manipulates the portrait of
Baron C. Lambert Chowder-Goodsoup), Griswold responds with, "you look more like
one of the Brothschilds.  They always did have weak features."  The Brothschild
family name is an amalgam of the European Rothschild family and broth, which is
another soup-related term.

# On the left side of the hotel stairs there appears to be "a shameless ad for
grog," yet when Guybrush goes upstairs and then back down, the ad portrait
changes a bit.  When he does this five more times, he will notice that he has
found something wrong with the portrait: the woman's eye.

# When Guybrush reads the Goodsoup Family History book to Griswold and corrects
him on the rivalry/family feud between the Goodsoups and the VanSalads in 1637
(not 1635), it is a pun on when you order an entrée at most restaurants and are
given an option of a soup or a salad.

# There are three more LucasArts™ logos in Part IV: one on the left wall near
the center of the cannibal village; one during the first cutscene, when LeChuck
is gathered at the table in the Carnival of the Damned along with his skeleton
minions and tells Dinghy Dog™, "Have you found [Elaine], ya cadaverous canine?"
(you'll have to look VERY carefully, as the logo may be on LeChuck's chair);
and one during the second cutscene, where it is located on the cliffside above
the Rollercoaster of Death and below the same table where LeChuck and his
skeletal recruits are.

# The Lost Welshman who takes you to Skull (Duck) Island has a little bit of
resemblance to the Grim Reaper or to Bobbin Threadbare, the forgotten hero of
"LOOM™", which is a popular LucasArts™ game whose two sequels never came out
due to stronger concerns for other gaming projects, and not poor sales despite
popular belief. (The Crossroads Ferryman of "Tales of Monkey Island Chapter 5:
Rise of the Pirate God" would look and sound similar to the Lost Welshman of
"Curse" in every way.)  Also, his name is a spoof on The Flying Dutchman, a
ghost-ship that is cursed to wander the seas forever.

# Guybrush's quote, "I'm not afraid!", and the Welshman's reply, "You will be.
You WILL be," are a reference to the conversation with Luke Skywalker and Yoda
in "Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back".

# In a "Monty Python"-style conversation, the Welshman repeatedly insists that
Skull Island looks like a skull, even if one should "squint and sorta turn
[one's] head," and Guybrush responds that the island actually looks like a duck
and that "If you squint and turn your head it looks like a bunny."  This is a
reference to the famous rabbit-duck illusion, which is a kind of ambiguous
drawing that causes the brain to be uncertain if the drawing illustrates a duck
or a rabbit.

# The entire scene with King André in the Smuggler's Cave is an homage/spoof to
Ian Fleming's "James Bond/007" series, especially to the 1959 novel
"Goldfinger", which is adapted into a film five years later (stuff from the
film: Guybrush's deep-voiced line "Threepwood.  Guybrush Threepwood./Bond.
James Bond"; a treasure trove of gold and jewels; the quotes "Do you expect me
to talk?" and "No, Mister Threepwood/Bond!  I expect you to buy/die!"; another
quote, "You are a formidable opponent, Mister Threepwood/Bond, but it looks as
if our game of cat-and-mouse must cease.") and the 1953 novel "Casino Royale"
(later adapted into a 2006 film), where André challenges Guybrush to a game of
poker.  The other quote from Guybrush, "That diamond belongs in a museum!" (and
André's response, "So do Postimpressionist paintings, Mister Threepwood"), is
rather a spoof on Indiana Jones' (and Panama Hat's) line from the 1989 film
"Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade", which is also spoofed in TSoMI when
Guybrush tells Fester Shinetop that the idol that Guybrush is stealing "belongs
in a museum".

# When King André hands the zombie pirate toy to Guybrush while he's browsing
around, the toy comes to life as a doll and makes friendly remarks like "I want
to be your friend!", "Let's build a sand castle!", and "My name's LeChuckie!",
while at the same time making toyish threats like, "Just wait 'til you fall
asleep, little boy," "I'll cut out yer tongue, and make ye eat it in a
sandwich!", and "I'll keelhaul yer mother!"  This could be a reference to the
1988 horror film "Child's Play", in which serial killer and voodoo practitioner
Charles Lee Ray uses his powers to transfer his soul into a Good Guy doll,
turning it into a zombie toy named Chucky, who is sold to Karen Barclay and
given to her son Andy, who is unaware of the evil and the threats that Chucky
is unleashing to possess him.  The film would have two sequels at the time of
the release of "Curse".

# After leaving Skull (Duck) Island with the Goodsoup family diamond, the Lost
Welshman tells Guybrush, "I hear there's still an opening for a chef on Scabb
Island."  This is a reference to "Monkey Island 2: LeChuck's Revenge", when
Guybrush fires Bernard the Chef in The Bloody Lip Bar and Grill in Woodtick and
takes his place for a short time, only to find that he is fired after being
away from Scabb Island for so long.

# When Guybrush puts the Goodsoup family diamond ring on Elaine's finger, it's
still there when she is restored from the statue form, yet after she punches
him, the ring has disappeared.

E. Part V

# The main title for Part V, "Kiss of the Spider Monkey", is a spoof on the
1976 Spanish novel, "Kiss of the Spider Woman" ("El beso de la mujer araña"),
written by Argentine writer Manuel Puig and adapted into a stage play in 1983,
a film in 1985, and finally a Broadway musical in 1993.

# LeChuck's words to Guybrush, "Search yer feelings!  Ye'll know it to be
true!", are a reference to the aforementioned "Star Wars Episode V: The Empire
Strikes Back", when Emperor Palpatine alerts Darth Vader (i.e., Anakin
Skywalker) of the presence of his son Luke (who had destroyed the Death Star)
and tells him, "Search your feelings, Lord Vader.  You know it to be true."

# During the lengthy conversation with LeChuck, when Guybrush asks, "What is
the secret of Monkey Island?", LeChuck responds with, "The Secret of Monkey
Island?  I COULD tell ye, but I'd rather make ye guess," and six possible
guesses appear in the topic.  The first five are spoiler plot twists from
movies in order of the topic as follows:

1. "That 'Rosebud' is a sled?" (From "Citizen Kane", a 1941 movie starring
   Orson Welles as the title character)
2. "That the guy's girlfriend is really a man?" (From "The Crying Game", a 1992
   Irish/British drama film that explores themes of race, gender, nationality,
   and sexuality against the backdrop of the Irish Troubles; the film's
   original working title was "The Soldier's Wife")
3. "That they have to shoot the dog at the end?" (From "Old Yeller", a 1956
   children's novel written by Fred Gipson and adapted into a Disney film a
   year later)
4. "That it's made from people?" (From "Soylent Green", a 1973 sci-fi film
   starring Charlton Heston and based loosely on the 1966 novel "Make Room!
   Make Room!" by Harry Harrison)
5. "That the girl is her daughter AND her sister?" (From "Chinatown", a 1974
   neo-noir film directed by Roman Polanski, a director now notorious for the
   crime of having unlawful sex with a minor, 13-year-old Samantha Geimer, over
   30 years ago; the film stars Jack Nicholson, Faye Dunaway, and John Huston)

# Also, during the long-winded conversation, when Guybrush says "Please don't
kill me," there is a list of the consequences of LeChuck killing him, two of
them contradictory: "...you'll ruin our reputation for making family-oriented
games," and "...there will be no more Monkey Island sequels."  The former one,
of "ruining reputation for making family-oriented games," is kind of odd, since
"The Secret of Monkey Island" and "Monkey Island 2: LeChuck's Revenge" weren't
rated yet, even though they have mild language and references to alcohol;
"Escape from Monkey Island" is rated "Teen", and "Tales of Monkey Island" is
rated "Everyone 10+" because of some language and violence, and some suggestive
themes.  The latter, about "no more Monkey Island sequels", is contradicted in
"Tales of Monkey Island", since Guybrush is killed by LeChuck in the game's
Chapter 4, but ends up in the Crossroads where he finds a way to return to life
and get back to the living world to stop LeChuck once and for all in Chapter 5.
In "Curse", however, when Guybrush tells LeChuck that he would be another "has-
been that nobody's heard of," LeChuck insists he won't be forgotten, but then
Guybrush asks, "Do you know the name 'Bobbin Threadbare'?" to which LeChuck
answers, "Uh, no."  Bobbin is, as I mentioned before, the forgotten main
character of the short-lived, yet popular, video game "LOOM™", whose two
sequels never came out due to LucasArts™' stronger concerns for other gaming
projects.

# Again, during the long-winded conversation with LeChuck, Guybrush says that
if LeChuck were to kill him, he would "crush the hopes of children all over the
world!  I'm a hero to millions."  I'm not sure, but I think that it could be a
reference to Michael Jackson (1958-2009), whose appearance in the 17-minute
film "Captain EO" made its debut in Disneyland and Epcot in 1986; Jackson would
purchase the land near Santa Ynez, California, to build Neverland Ranch in
1988, which consisted of a private amusement park and a zoo for visiting
children, and create the "Heal the World Foundation" in 1992 (named after his
hit single "Heal the World"), which was a charitable organization designed to
improve the lives and hopes of disadvantaged children all over the world. (He
would often be known as a humanitarian to millions and later refer to himself
as the "Peter Pan" in his own heart, acting a little immature sometimes like
Guybrush does.)

# Dinghy Dog™ and his signature "Hyuk!" are a parody of Disney's Goofy
(originally called "Dippy Dawg"), and Wharf Rat™ could be a sleazy parody/
amalgam of Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck.

# When Guybrush tells Dinghy Dog™, "I'll bet you can't guess how old I am,"
Dinghy Dog™ guesses, "A little fearsome buccaneer like yourself must be...
seven years old?", and Guybrush corrects him with, "HA!  Wrong!  I just so
happen to be twenty!", and shows him the SCUMM™ Actors Guild Membership Card to
prove it.  The membership card name is an amalgam on the names of the SCUMM
engine that LucasArts™ worked the game on and of the Screen Actors Guild;
Dinghy Dog™'s (wrong) guess number of "seven" is the same number as the age of
the "Monkey Island" series at the time of the game's release; and Guybrush's
age of twenty as his correct answer is about the same age as the age of his
real-life voice actor Dominic Armato, who had turned 21 on November 18, 1997,
about 2 1/2 weeks after the game's release.

# The name of Wharf Rat™ and Monty Meringue™'s pie game booth, "Blow the Man
Down", is a reference to the title of an old sea shanty called "Blow the Man
Down" (which is also used as Rum Rogers, Jr.'s theme song in MI2:LCR.  Also,
Monty Meringue™'s last name is a pun on meringue, which is indeed whipped egg
whites used in a pie (the same whipped egg whites that Guybrush needs for his
makeshift hangover remedy).

# If you try to pick the sign atop Murray and Dinghy Dog™, the entire scene
will go black (except for the lights and the glowing meringue pies) and will
remain black for the rest of the scene until Guybrush returns to adult form
again.

# A storyboard of a sequence between Parts V and VI has been circulating around
the Internet, which could explain what happened to Guybrush, Elaine, and
LeChuck before the Rollercoaster of Death sequence.  However, the storyboard
ended up on the cutting-room floor and never made it due to time constraints.

F. Part VI

# The name of the sixth and final part, "Guybrush Kicks Butt Once Again", is
a similar name to the fourth and final part of "The Secret of Monkey Island",
called "Guybrush Kicks Butt".

# In Parts II and IV, if Guybrush has read the plaque near the Pappapisshu Bush
in Plunder Island, he (and the Cabaña Boy) will say "Pappapisshu!" instead of
"Youch!" whenever he comes into contact with something sharp and painful.  In
this final Part, however, when LeChuck singes Guybrush's feet, Guybrush shouts
"Youch!" regardless of whether or not you have read the Pappapisshu Bush plaque
in Part II!  Shouldn't the "Youch!" be "Pappapisshu!" instead?  :S

# There was one more song that was supposed to be in the end credits following
the wedding of Guybrush and Elaine.  That song was titled "Plank of Love", and
it was supposed to describe their feelings for each other while sailing around
the Tri-Island area with new worlds to explore, which may be similar to "A
Whole New World" from Disney's "Aladdin".  However, its composition and melody
and what they originally were remain unknown, for the song was never brought
into fruition due to time constraints, as was the segment between Parts V and
VI, even though the song's lyrics were indeed written and can be found here at
http://miwiki.net/Plank_of_Love.

# The end credits say "Dedicated to the memory of Brett Barrett" at the end.
Barrett was one of the programmers on the first two "Monkey Island" games
before he was killed in a motorcycle accident in 1996, a year before the
release of "Curse".

# After the end credits, a father pirate tells his son (off-camera) that
LeChuck remains buried "in the tunnels somewhere beneath the amusement park."
This is a parody of yet another urban legend that claims that Walt Disney was
cryogenically frozen, and that his frozen corpse was stored underneath the
"Pirates of the Caribbean" amusement park ride at Disneyland.  In real life,
however, Disney was cremated on December 17, 1966, just two days after his
death, and his ashes were buried in Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Glendale,
California (the first-known cryogenic freezing of a corpse, that of Professor
James Hiram Bedford, occurred on January 12, 1967, almost a month after
Disney's death and cremation).


# 4. Version History #

Version 1.0:
7/2/2010 - Game Script started.
7/6/ - Disc 1 Script started.
7/15 - Disc 1 Script completed; Disc 2 Script started.
7/27 - Disc 2 Script completed.
7/28 - Script Miscellany started.
7/29-8/14 - Fixed a lot of textual errors due to the final version of the
game's release, of course.
9/1 - Game Script finally completed.

Version 1.15:

9/12-9/15 - Fixed a lot of tweaks here and there and renamed "Grassy Knoll" as
"The Field of Honor".  Also corrected the trivia on "LOOM™" and its two sequels
never coming out, and added more trivia, including references to the Midas
Diamond ring, Quetzalcoatl, "Child's Play", and "When a Stranger Calls".

Version 1.2:
11/14-11/15 - Fixed a few more spelling tweaks and added a bit more trivia on
"lapostal", the voodoo cannon ball, Haggis' name, Murray, the "fine leather
jackets" quote, the "LOOM™" reference in the Voodoo Lady's sequence, and, of
course, another "Sam & Max" reference in The Barbery Coast.


# 5. Thanks #

My thanks go out to:

- First and foremost, my Uncle Dave, who first fascinated me with his computer
skills and his ability to play "The Secret of Monkey Island" when I was little.
Without him my creation of this script would not have been possible.

- Wikipedia, for helping me find out more about the TSoMI game that spawned a
franchise with other "Monkey Island" games, including "The Curse of Monkey
Island".

- The Monkey Island Wiki, Wikipedia (again), and IMDb for in-game jokes, pop-
culture references, and more trivia about "Curse".

- Wiktionary, for the accented marks and symbols used in some French and
Spanish words and pronunciations in "Curse".

- My YouTube fans Yodude1017, Thepiller, LTumbleweed and Omgarrett for helping
me out on the game by saving it and loading it onto YouTube in video clips
(especially with the corrected text-voice issues from the final version of the
game, and some tidbits from Omgarrett).

- GameFAQs contributors Exodist, Iron Knuckle, Vegetaman, Dormouse, SpazzTH,
ohnoitschris, and sportsguy3675 for more tidbits, trivia, and glitches in
"Curse".

- Laserschwert and Javi-Wan Kenobi from the Telltale Games Forums for giving me
more hints on the Easter eggs that I overlooked from "Curse"!  :D

Finally, my thanks go to GameFAQs for hosting the guides and being a great 
resource on the Internet; and finally, to HRahman and all the other in-depth
FAQ writers and game script writers for a good deal of inspiration!  You guys
are the best!

Copyright © 2010 by Deborah L. Kearns.  This scripted document is intended ONLY
for private home use and may not be reproduced through electronic or commercial
means without the expressed consent of the author (Deborah L. Kearns).  It
cannot be hosted, edited, or distributed for profit and may not be given away
as an add-in/gift to bought items, and it should not be claimed as your own.
All rights are reserved to respective parties, even those not explicitly stated
herein.  Thank you for reading this, and thank you for respecting FAQ authors.