"It's so bad I couldn't even make up a clever title for the review."

I occasionally wonder how games like “Asphalt: Urban GT 2” are made. While I can understand that the parents of even the ugliest children still think they are the most beautiful creatures on Earth, I am having a hard time believing that the developers looked at this game and were proud of it. This is easily one of the worst games I have ever forced myself to play. I couldn't even make up a clever name for this review, that's how terrible it is, it sapped the creativity right out of me.

I don't even know where to begin on this mess.

The first ridiculous thing I noticed was one of the features the developer touted right on the box. Urban GT 2 features appearances by the “Pussycat Dolls”, a band that is popular with teenagers today, and music by the techno-electronic artist Moby. I don't think I have ever seen a milking of pop culture this bad in all of my life.

First of all, there is a single song by Moby in the entire game; just one. Even then, it only plays through the game's main menu. During races, the only music you have to listen to are uninspired MIDIs. The Moby song featured is “Lift Me Up”, which is admittedly a decent song, but it is inexcusable that it's the only real song in the game. As if to fool the player into thinking this game actually had more than one song, when “Lift Me Up” starts, a little bubble pops up and gives the Artist and Track name. You would naturally think that if the developers went through the trouble to include this little feature, it would be used more than once, but it isn't. When other DS games are utilizing fully licensed soundtracks with up to 30 minutes of music in some cases, this is pitiful.

Perhaps worse still is the inclusion on the “Pussycat Dolls”. The information for the game claims: “The famous Pussycat Dolls band will show up frequently to encourage the player”. Well, apparently that is code for, “At the end of the race, you see a sepia image of one of the girls from the band”. Because that is really the only time they are ever in the game. Occasionally you might see a picture of them all together in the background of the menus, but that is it. It's just looking at still pictures of the girls, while that one Moby track keeps playing on loop.

I really wish I was joking.

But you know, those are all peripheral elements. Who cares if there is only a single licensed song in the game, as long as you have fun playing? Well, that's right. The game itself is what is important, and if the game was solid everywhere else I wouldn't even bring the previous issues up.

But unfortunately, the game itself is disgustingly bad. The basic premise is similar to that of the “Burnout” series, you race on city streets with pedestrian cars moving about, and get bonuses for ramming other cars and doing dangerous maneuvers.

This is great on paper, but in the actual game it is almost impossible to enjoy this due to the abominable physics that the game employs. Imagine the most unrealistic way a car could possibly handle, and then double that. You can launch into a power slide while driving down a straight-away, and once in a slide you can continue driving with the front of the car 90 degrees to the direction of movement and not loose any speed at all. What's more, rubbing against the guardrails hardly effects your vehicle, so you can continue moving sideways down the course for a very long time by simply allowing your car to grind against the rails to make the turns.

The physics that govern the vehicles interacting are equally as terrible. Most of the times you don't actually hit the other cars that you are trying to knock off the road, or if you do, nothing will happen. More often than not, the car will simply hit the back of your own vehicle and you will get points for taking them out. If you are looking for a real laugh, crash your car into another vehicle and watch it spin around on it's roof like a top.

But if you think the car physics are terrible, take one of the motorcycles for a spin. I guarantee it will be the only time you try. For starters, the bikes are just as big as the cars, which looks completely idiotic when racing down the street. While I was driving the motorcycles they would also randomly launch into the air and fly considerable distances. I assume this is some horrible glitch, but it was actually more entertaining than racing. Steering the motorcycles is terrible as well, since you essentially just lean the bike over and make overly-wide turns; it feels painfully unrealistic.

Beyond the inept physics engine, there is also a feature in the game where the police will chase you around while racing. The police cruisers aren't a threat in the least, since it is unlikely the AI will be able to keep them close enough to you to actually hit you, but the police helicopter is just insane. It flies around the track (I use the term “fly” very loosely here, since it is basically just positioned in front and above you, no matter what you do or where you go) and shines it's spotlight on you. At least, I assume it is supposed to be a spotlight. In actuality, it is much more like a laser cannon. It attempts to lock onto you, and when the beam turns red you are “arrested”, which means your car stops and they take some of your money.

Even with the flying death of the helicopter, the game is absurdly easy. If you can't manage to lap the other AI racers, I really feel sorry for you. Even when I would deliberately crash into as many objects and cars as possible, I would always be at least a half of a lap ahead of my nearest rival.

Finally, there is the issue of the game's graphics. While the car models are fairly good, and the game genuinely conveys a sense of speed, the overall package is just plain ugly. Lighting effects look as unrealistic as you could possibly imagine, and the texture detail on non-critical objects (like pedestrian cars) are so bad you can hardly tell what some of it is supposed to be. While the framerate is serviceable in the main game (though not great), it is oddly abysmal in the menus. The menu system actually chugs and appears as if it is about to lock up while trying to select the different tracks. Amazing.

In the end, I honestly can't say anything really positive about “Asphalt: Urban GT 2”. In fact, I debated about even rating it this high. But I did like the amount and variety of vehicles in the game, and the cars themselves looked pretty decent. So for that at least, it escapes getting a 1. I could not, in any way shape or form, suggest that anyone buy this game. There is absolutely nothing here that is worth your time; while the DS has admittedly proven to be a difficult console for the racing genre, this is simply disgusting.

Reviewer's Score: 2/10, Originally Posted: 11/22/06