"I pity the children whose parents buy them this sham of a game."

I feel bad for children - they always get the short end of the gaming stick, or so it seems; their games are generally purchased by a non-gaming adult, based purely on a familiarity with the license. This situation is seen as a goldmine for developers and publishers, who constantly trot out trash such as Alex Rider: Stormbreaker to take advantage of a situation and turn a profit. That may sound a bit harsh, but after playing this game I find it hard to believe this travesty was a honest mistake.

For those of you, much like myself until playing this game, who are unfamiliar with Alex Rider, here's the skinny. Alex Rider is a character created by British author Anthony Horowitz and has starred in no less than six novels. The first novel in the series, Stormbreaker, tells the tale of a teenage orphan who is blackmailed into a spy's life after discovering the secret of his uncle's death. He is eventually tasked with discovering the secret behind wealthy businessman Herod Sayle's new supercomputer, the Stormbreaker. The feature film, and this game, which is based on that, are all a retelling of the first Alex Rider novel.

I wouldn't call the series by description, truly innovative, but whatever it is that has captivated fans of the book series is absolutely missing from this videogame. Told through decently captured stills from the feature film (which supposedly do not match the scenes they are attached to in this game), the story is not only basic and flat, but certain elements, such as the reason behind the development of the Stormbreaker, are laughable at best, pathetic at worst. By the time the game's final credits came up, I couldn't possibly see why anyone would take an interest in Alex Rider's adventures. [Read the first book and you'll find out! Ed]. Whatever magic the novels, and the lukewarmly received feature film, conjure up, it is nowhere to be found here.

The actual gameplay does nothing but flail helplessly in the slimy trail left by the storytelling. Using an early PSOne era 3D graphics system, Alex and his long, flipper-like arms run around in straight lines through tiny, pixelated levels, all to the tune of bad MIDI rip-offs of other more notable spy franchises. Alex, along with every other character in the game, is brought to life with little care, with hardly recognizable faces and robotic animation. When players run into one of the few enemies standing around, simple combos dispatch would-be evildoers with ease, that is if the collision detection doesn't affect your straight line movement and leave you open to damage. During each one-on-one fight (I think maybe twice I came up against two enemies at the same time), a caution gauge popped up in the upper right hand corner, but never once reached 20%, let alone the 100% to do whatever it is the gauge does (I couldn't find an answer in the instruction manual, interestingly enough).

As you defeat enemies and pick up certain items laying around, you can gain experience and raise Alex's level, increasing his attributes. Why they added this is beyond me, as not only is there little experience to gain, but they appear to make no difference to the gameplay. The same can be said for the Nintendo DS and the spy games that Alex is given, each of which provide gamers with unnecessary help, such as where the small amount of enemies and items are within the even smaller levels.

In an attempt to break up the monotony of the main gameplay, the developers added mini-games such as a Road Rash inspired motorcycle level, a follow-discreetly level, a take on billiards called Snooker and one awful Yo-Yo-inspired building descent level. There is no depth in any of these mini-games, let alone complete directions on what to do, which makes the rather simple by design "follow discreetly" level more difficult than necessary. The Yo-Yo-inspired level involves drawing circles on the touch screen, but the game struggles to react to your circles and barely chugs along. The Snooker mini-game is the only one with any sort of polish, but lobotomised opponent A.I. and rules far too complicated for the intended audience make it worthless. So even this half-hearted attempt to increase the lasting appeal fails miserably, as there simply isn't any. Sure, you could use the password chips found throughout the game to unlock some bonuses, but why bother? This game is painful enough the first time around - no bonuses should convince any gamer to put this back into their DS.

I know this review will do little to convince developers and publishers to put some integrity behind the videogames they create with children in mind, but you, as consumers, do have the power, so please do your part. Do not buy Alex Rider: Stormbreaker, do not rent Alex Rider: Stormbreaker, and tell everyone you know to do the same - because this train wreck will only provide hours of sobbing and an endless barrage of "can we take this back yet?" from the poor children who receive it.

Reviewer's Score: 3/10, Originally Posted: 03/06/07