Batman

"The first in a long line of crap Batman games."

Released in 1990 a few months after the movie, this game was the pwners! I use the term ''pwners'' because it looks cool. I use the term “was” because in retrospect and in today’s standards, the game just doesn’t hold a candle to what a real shooter can/ought to be. Yes, Batman: “THE VIDEO GAME” *drum beat* is a side scrolling shooter. Because in case you don’t remember, Batman is a gun firing bloodlust vigilante who sought revenge against those who popped a cap in mom and dad…

…or maybe he was just mad Alfred didn’t have his silk pajamas ready and needed to vent?

“THE VIDEO GAME” *drum beat* assumes you know the myth of Batman and, at that time, had seen “THE MOVIE”. What’s that you say? You want Anabuhabkuss the 2nd’s deep insightful Batman character interpretation? Oooookay, he’s a madman who runs around black tights, never likes getting close to women but doesn’t have a problem chasing madmen and adopting young boys along the way. “THE VIDEO GAME” *drum beat* gives very little plot but just enough to move the character from one stage to another.

As soon as you hit start, you’re on the freaking street pointing a gun! What the hell? Who is the real bad guy here? Batman or the guy aimlessly walking back and forth that I have to shoot to earn UBER points DOOD even though he’s not bothering me? There’s no set up or back story to justify why I’m playing as some wacko with a gun in his hands. They might as well have called this Charles Manson: “THE VIDEO GAME” *uber drum beat*.

So, as I said, you star as Batman in this one-dimensional shooter. Basically the premise is to move your character right (literally) to the end of every stage. Each stage consists of different levels (varies between 2-3 levels) usually ending with a boss fight (with the exception of the Museum stage). “THE VIDEO GAME” *drum beat* never really presents a decent challenge to those who have good hand-eye coordination.

The shooting aspect of “THE VIDEO GAME” (hey where’s my drum man?) is really simple yet awfully flawed. You only limited to pointing your gun in one direction: straight. Want to shoot up? Well, DUH, jump and then shoot. Makes sense doesn't it? I mean who likes to point up anyways? Or maybe his body is just so stiff in that tight rubber suit? I guess now we know they gave him rubber nipples in the third movie.

Throughout “THE VIDEO GAME” are numerous floating bricks (please, for the sake of my sanity, don’t ask) that you shoot to reveal different weapon icons. This is where Trial and Error game play comes in. There are some seriously weak weapons in this “THE VIDEO GAME”. Weak to the point that even when you learn that they might not suit you in a certain circumstance, in actuality, you also learn that they serve no purpose in “THE VIDEO GAME” as a whole whatsoever. So you’ll need to learn what is the weapon you need to stick to, and what weapon you need to avoid altogether. But to do that, you’re unfortunately going have to learn (through trial and error of course) which bricks you need to shoot and which you ought not to.

This is the ONLY challenge this “THE VIDEO GAME” offers. I wouldn’t even call it a challenge. More like an annoyance. “THE VIDEO GAME” is so short that it won’t even be an obstacle anymore. So with that out of the way and learning which bricks hold which weapon, “THE VIDEO GAME” becomes mindless shooting fun that’ll entertain you for a good 15-20 minutes (or through a bathroom session). There is absolutely no replay value here whatsoever.

The music in “THE VIDEO GAME” is pretty good though. It’s upbeat, fast, and gets you in the mood for some action (even if your partner isn’t around). I still don’t get why the Batman theme song from the movie wasn’t used in “THE VIDEO GAME”.

The graphics are…hold on let me get a beer for this.

Ok back, so yeah, the grafix are nots CoOls dude! BURP!!! The characters are these mega tiny sprites with two animations that show that they’re walking. Gee developers how kind of you to think of us gamers. I actually did some behind the scenes research and here’s the actual meeting that took place between the producers and the graphics department. Be warned: This is about as deep as Britney Spears (<-Sarcasm)

Developer: “Yyyyeah make sure that the gamer gets that his character is Batman, has a gun that reaches out arm’s length, and is walking. What? Whatya mean Batman doesn’t shoot people? Someone get me a gun, I need to FIRE this guy!”

Avoid this game like you would Robin with his shorts down.

Reviewer's Score: 5/10, Originally Posted: 05/20/03, Updated 05/20/03