NFL Football

"Punt this to the nearest trash can."

Have you ever read one of those stories where someone finds an item that seems to be promising, but all it brings is misfortune? You know, like Steinbeck's The Pearl. Well, that's kind of how this story goes. The only difference is my son didn't have most of his head blown away because of this game, although that really wouldn't surprise me if that had happened (despite the fact that I have no kids). Anyway, one of my friends comes over to my house one day and says, ''Look what I found in the street!'' It was the game, NFL Football. You see, there is probably a very good reason why it was in the street. My brother was the only one out of all of us in those days that owned a Gameboy, so he my friend gave him the game. My brother must have definitely sensed the malevolent force that was hiding within the plastic and machinery that was that game. Being as manaical as he was, he sold me this game for $5 as soon as I got a Gameboy. He had $5 and I had a new game, that was the way I viewed it. I attempted to play this game several times. Each of them ending in me being nearly frustrated to tears. Even after my brother told me, ''The 49'ers are the only good team on there. The rest really suck,'' I still could not win a single game. I may not be a big football fan, but I've played my share of football games and enjoyed many of them (long live Tecmo Super Bowl!). This one lacked a lot of what many football games at the time already had, especially gameplay. About ten years later (which was about a week ago as of this review), I took this clunky hunk of trash to Trade-A-Game and traded it for Heiankyo Alien, which despite not being a spectacular title, is still infinitely better than this one.

Usually, even in some of the old school football games, you would have a season of some kind, player names and stats, a decent array of plays, and some action-packed ass kicking, NFL style (okay, I think I felt a mullet just sprout from the back of my head; looks like I should grab a beer and just act casual). All of the listed features of your typical football game... are absent in NFL Football. You don't have a season mode of any kind. The only way you can play the game is in two player mode (which is beyond me why two people in the world would actually own this game, or be willing to play it together) or against the computer in a single game. That's it. You don't advance, there are no passwords or saves. You just play the computer once, cry as you lose, and play it again (or just do what I did and go into convulsions). It is almost essential now, and even when this game was created, to have a season mode. Think of what a wrestling game would be like without seasons or tournaments of some kind. You'd only have exhibition mode, and after a while, that gets psychotically boring.

Well, let us just say you want to start playing the game anyway. You pick your two teams and you run out onto the field. What you get is a horrible overhead view of a field full of deformed players and bland lines and dots. Hell, Tiger's Bo Jackson's Sports Talk Football had better visuals, and that was an LCD game! Once you're done vomiting and thanking whoever held your hair back (assuming you have hair that needs holding back), the exhilaration of battle begins. Your play book pops up and... You get a whopping six or so plays to choose from. No, you cannot edit your play book (a la Tecmo Super Bowl). That's it. Your lovely and meager arsenal. While also picking a play, you get no time limit. This can cause the game to take much longer than it indeed should.

So, you've selected your play and you're ready to go. D'oh! Did I fail to mention the gameplay is absolutely horrible, highlighted by clunky controls, very slow action, and extreme frustration and difficulty? The instant you throw the ball, you're practically down. The problem is that the players you control just inch their way up the screen while a practical mosh pit surges towards him. Before you can say, ''Mother...,'' your guy is tackled and it's first down! No, you cannot just shrug them off like many other football games. You're down and out. Stop your crying before I give you something to cry about!

If the eyesore graphics and slow, monotonous gameplay don't kill you, rest at a sure that the music will. While the song (as in the only song that the game plays) is a decently composed piece of work for a Gameboy game, it gets very tiresome. It can capture the exhilaration of football fairly well, and probably would have worked superlatively in a different (and potentially better, not that the game would have far to go) football game on Gameboy. The only real problem here is that it plays over and over and over again. Before you know it, you'll be putting this near the top of your list of most hated overplayed music along with Creed and Linkin Park.

After you've successfully made a fool of yourself and allowed the computer's equally clunky players to mop the field up with you, it's time for defense. This yields just as limited gameplay as offense. Again, a shabby amount of low quality plays that hardly even work against the computer's ungodly legion of snail pace demons. Before you even taste it, the game practically smacks you across the face, makes a touch down, then dances on your grave (despite the fact you're not dead yet). You have but two choices here: Keep playing until you get good at it (which is nearly impossible, given the gameplay) or cry. I chose the latter. I cried like a pathetic, little school girl whose grandfather was taken away by a vicious sewer-dwelling monster </random b-movie reference>.

It would seem that Konami's only goal when developing this pint-sized turkey was to make a football game. Not a great football game, just the lowest definition of a football game you can create. This is a shock coming from such a great company. You would almost think they would have taken some notes on what was considered the standard for football gaming at the time. Many chief elements were left out, lacking plays, a season mode, and unique players. All in all, this seems like a sham; almost as if Konami just developed a basic football game and tacked all the necessary logos and names onto it just to get it to sell. Let us not also forget the stiff controls and extremely lacking gameplay. Plainly put, this game is completely devoid of anything that makes a great football title. It's not only an insult to the sport, but to the fans as well. May you all heed my words. This game is a waste of money (even Canadian money) and a waste of space (even on an eMachines). Now, let us all get on with our lives and never mention this abomination again...

FINAL JUDGMENT
Graphics: Lackluster design with a bland, overhead look. It's obvious that all the best graphical rendering went into the title screen. 2/10
Sounds: A well composed song that plays over and over and over and over until finally the voices tell you to kill for them 4/10
Controls: Very simplistic, but tough to handle. Your players just inch slowly and painfully across the screen like a paraplegic man abandoned in the desert. 3/10
Plot/Storyline: N/A
Gameplay: Slow and boring pretty much sums it up 1/10
All Together: 1/10

Perks
*I no longer own this game

Downers
*I used to own it
*Dull, lifeless gameplay
*Lacking plays (amount and quality)
*It's the same song... Over and over...
*Ridiculous difficulty and frustration factor
*No season mode?
*Absolutely irksome graphics

Recommendations
My sincere recommendation: Complete and utter avoidance. Even if it means running into busy traffic to get away from the game, at least you can die knowing that you didn't play it (hopefully). If you're really in the mood for old school football, get your hands on some of the Tecmo classic football games for NES and SNES.

Reviewer's Score: 1/10, Originally Posted: 06/16/03, Updated 06/16/03