Blaster Master Boy

"Dear Osiris! JUST MAKE THIS GAME END ALREADY"

When I had and used a gameboy, I owned and played this game. Once I got to level 3! And then I died. So I went back and played the game on ROM with save states that allowed multiple retries and indefinite playing time. And I can say with utmost assurance that I have wasted several hours of my life.

Okay, so here be da plot! Radiation is destroying earth so Jason (who looks a cross between blaster master and bomberman as has been established) goes to stem the flow at the source. Well, that goal will take him on an adventure fraught with peril and tedium!

Jason has two main means of fighting: bombs which explode in an area about 3 x 3 tiles, and a "rapid-fire" gun that weaker than a virgin screwdriver (a 'screwdriver' being simply vodka and orange juice. think about it, you'll get it). So, not much of a fighter, that Jason. Enemies can be blown up with bombs, but those babies got a timer delay that makes it difficult to get them to blow up the target and they can blow up you. The gun is useless, except to stun the monster so you can walk through them. You can find other bombs with other blast patterns, but the default bomb comes in unlimited quantites, so you'll be using them almost exclusively.

Bombs also blow up destructible blocks that congest the level. These things are everywhere. 90% of the game is just blasting these things for items, such as the key you need to find to beat each level. The levels are designed around blasting these things. Now, demolition is an acceptable theme/plot/goal for a game, but it must be executed with finesse; one of many categories where this game is lacking. Set the bomb, run away, pick up items, repeat twenty-seven billion times. Ugh.

Levels are long and winding things that contain any combination of the following: hidden item rooms found by blasting the walls, underground item chambers that are pitch black without the use of a lamp item, water that you must traverse with a raft, spikes you must traverse with sandals, darkness even when outside of aforementioned chambers, and monsters. All monsters are fairly the same. They show up, run around, some shoot projectiles, some blow up. They're buggers and they're old hat.

Graphics are over-detailed for a gameboy game. With a small screen and four colors, all the little details and textures they tried to put into the game, while a valiant effort, just look congested and a little gaudy. The sound is even worse. One song for the ENTIRE GAME! and it's an annoying song! Nevermind the sound effects are little more than variations on the same synthetic note. Yikes. Put on an album, any album! Just don't listen to the game music!

I've given you sporadic, staccato critiques of various aspects of the game, so let me sum them up into a coherent thought. This is the most reduntant, repetitive, neverending, tedious, jejune, longwinded, hackneyed, prolix, soporific, stale....(Okay, okay, I'll stop! It was just a joke, now put the knife down!) game I have ever played. There are nine worlds with anywhere from 2 to 5 levels. I don't know why, but it's seemingly random how many levels a world has. So there are about 25 to 30 levels by my guess. And they all involve blowing up blocks, finding items, not dying, finding the key and going on to the next in a seemingly-eternal vicious cycle. As I have mentioned, the game is mostly just blowing up the blocks for items. This is boring back in level 1-1, and it sure as Tartarus ain't gonna be any fun come 9 -1. Heck, if your still playing, give yourself a pat on the back and smack yourself for wasting your time (dont worry, I did!) Add that the enemies and the music never change, that while levels are built around a visual theme that in no way impacts gaming strategy, that each level is just a semi-destructable labyrinth, and that there are no saves or passwords, so the game must be completed from beginning to end, and what should be entertaining ends up just being a daunting chore.

Bosses are the final insult. All bosses are built around a gimmick that makes them frustrating. One boss is a snake that traverses the level, leaving it's body to take up arena space until you're crushed; another is in an arena surrounded by blocks that try to crash into you when you walk in front of them; a third sends out tentacles that rotate around the entire area of the arena, and you have to time your walking to stay between them; and there's others, and they're all a pain and no fun at all. The last two are at least amusing, but also very VERY difficult.

So, Blaster Master boy is like the never-ending story. Assuming, of course, that the never-ending story was a billion pages of the same sentence over and over with a huge steel page at the end of each chapter that took all your manpower to turn. Yeah, flimsy gameplay stretched way too thin with moments of obnoxious frustration. It is a wise idea to avoid this game.

Reviewer's Score: 3/10, Originally Posted: 05/31/05