Army Men Advance

"This game isn't Lousy, it's Terrible!"

This game is probably not even worth my time to write a review for, but I feel that I have been too greatly ripped off to not share my frustration with the world. This is the first Army Men game I have ever owned and I am VERY disappointed. So here goes my review.

Story: 2/10 – From what I understand, the plot of this game is the same as every other Army Men game currently in existence. Plastico and the Tan army want to take over the world. That is ok with me, since this is my first Army Men game. But I think that most everybody is sick of the same old plot. Therefore, I give this a 2/10 for total lack of originality.

Graphics: 3/10 – The GBA is capable of 32-bit graphics with thousands of colors. But to say that this game does not take advantage of this is a sad understatement. This game could easily have been made for the GBC with maybe a few less colors on the screen at a time. The graphics themselves are cartoon-like. I almost feel like I am playing a violent Loony Toones cartoon. The explosions are really fake looking and all the enemies look like cartoon characters. When compared with a game like Super Mario Advance’s graphics, this game’s graphics are terrible.

Sound: 2/10 – One of the great new things about the GBA is its ability to produce understandable voices. But again, 3DO did not take advantage of this new feature. The only resemblance of voice is the sound the tan army soldiers make when the are killed. They all make the SAME uhhh sound. As for other sounds, you gun makes a sound that sounds more like a Nerf gun than a machine gun. There is a cool army tune when you turn the game on. But 3DO even managed to mess that up by having it repeats every eight seconds or so. There is a nice rushing water sound in one of the levels. But overall, the sound is pretty bad.

Gameplay: 1/10 – This is what makes this game so terrible. Now… where should I start? I’ll start with the game it self. It is sooo easy. The enemies are lazy, sometimes not even bothering to retaliate when you shoot ‘em. There are only five possible weapons, but you only get the good ones in one or two levels. For the most part, you are stuck with a crappy machine gun and some grenades. The game is also really straightforward. There is really nothing that would qualify as a maze or a puzzle. Yeah, sometimes you have to blow up tennis balls to fine keys, or shoot a colored switch to open the same colored door. But that stuff is pretty straightforward and nothing like a real puzzle. Then there is the stuff outside the game. The big thing is that there is no saving. You have to use passwords. Also there is no multi-player support of any kind. I can now safely say that after playing Mario Advance, which has two games on the pack, saving ability, and both single pack and multi pack multi-player support, that Army Men uses only about a forth of the available space in that pack.

Replayability: 0/10 – Once you have played a sucky game though, you don’t want to play it again. And since there is no multi-player, there is nothing else to do but go buy a better game.

Conclusion: This is a bad game with GBC quality graphics and bad sound. It is boring and has no multi-player support. My advice is get a good game like Super Mario Advance or F-Zero.

Rating: I’m too lazy to do the math, but I’ll be nice and give it a 2/10. Wow I’m nice!

So let’s see, is that 400 words yet? Wow 667 words! I must really have been rambling about this bad game that isn’t worth it.

Reviewer's Score: 2/10, Originally Posted: 08/15/01, Updated 08/15/01