Final Fight One

"Erin Everly's favourite game."

The 80s. Back when yuppies drooled, heavy metal ruled and fashion was at its peak. It's this heavy metal-obsessed era that Capcom treasured and locked in on with Final Fight. Dominated by cowboy boots and Kingpin suits, it tells of the Slums, Up Town and the West Side *makes a W with fingers* that Axl often expressed his despise and fondness for.

14 Years since this game came out, but still Jessica looks to be Pretty Tied Up. Corrupt cops and fat, old pops still dreaming of the Perfect Crime. Mike Haggar the mayor of Metro City, looking to strike a Breakdown upon Mad Gear. The Gear that has overrun the city with their syndicate. And only Haggar, Cody and Guy are the ones to help clean this street-trash.

Watch yourself slap Axl in return like he slapped Steph Seymour for those two years. Sacrelige at its finest hour. Making my way through the jungle that is the Slums, I met a man named Damnd and yet his spineless laugh cried out ''Don't Damn Me!'' No choice but to kick his ass. Enter level 2, Subway. The realistic scream of the brakes just 'fore you take a ride on the Nightrain. And although Slash and Axl are the only true thugs to block any attacks, the way they fight makes me ponder if they're on the Nightrain as well.

Step off the futuristic Locomotive and be made aware that this is no Paradise City. Get in the Ring and see where Sodom originated. I kicked his ass but to his credit, his engrish, purposely done, is a class act in itself. Street Fighter Alpha fans will continually have their MIND BLOWN by the characters that appear as the fight moves onward. Rolento was in Final Fight?

Food for testosterone like chicken and homeopathic drugs disguised as Vitamin E. Add to that pizza, oranges and one or two Bad Apples (no Spaghetti). Health running low in Level 3, Edi. E spits his gum in disgust. ''Aha!'' cries Guy as he picks it up and chews away his sorrows. Perhaps he should've eaten more during this stage? Oh, I kicked his ass too.

On to the bonus round to take out your anger on an unsuspecting automobile. Even better, watch the owner break down just like his car did seconds before! Continue on to Bay Area complete with hats to wear, radios to listen to and rubys to die for. Enter the dank public toilets where you frequent Slashes, interrupting while he's dancing with Mr. Brownstone. He didn't enjoy that.

Bred, Dug, Jake and Simons form the Cookie-Cutter Clan (CCC). The punk in yellow named J could be called after what he likes to smoke. There's Holly Wood, whose name may bear significance to the fantastical location, and no less than thirty Axls and Slashes during the six levels. If there's one fault the game has, it's the feeling of light-headedness it gives you. Encounters with multiple Axls on screen made me pass out after giving the illusion I was in Heaven. That and Cody's decreased chest size.

No more spleens and Rocket Queens this round. Censored for the unworthy, Roxy and Poison will be in my dreams only. Characters are huge, but with painful animation. Three attacking frames doth not Axl or Slash any justice. There are certainly oddities and changes to this, this remarkable ''video game''. Axl is the same size as Slash...in his dreams. And where's Duff, Steve and Izzy? Now here comes the mighty Andore, every bit as big as his father. In fact three generations yet not a day between them.

There may be the story of Mayor Mike's daughter being kidnapped, but the real reason why so many hoodlums are after Cody is not realised until the final scene. His shoelaces. Pink. No wonder Axl wanted to punch his lights out. And that's all you're getting about this ''game''. Sure there's no blood, no gore or sluts any more, but it's got Axl and Slash. Play it for Axl, play it for Slash. But treat them with the respect they deserve. Let them pound you to the floor. Infinity/10.

Reviewer's Score: 10/10, Originally Posted: 01/24/03, Updated 01/24/03