Army Men Advance

"Just when I thought Army Men couldn't get any worse, it did."

Years of gaming teach fellow gamers many things. Those years teach us that all movie-based video games will usually reek. They teach us that console RTS's will usually flop. They teach us that all games with the Final Fantasy title, no matter how good or bad they are, will sell very well. Of course, these rules don't always apply. Once in a while a gem of a game will come by and defy all the information proven true However, there is one rule, that no matter what happens, cannot and will not change: all games with in the Army Men series will be terrible. Army Men Advance is no exception. It defies all the rules of decency in video games and is so awful that it actually becomes torturous to play. Curious at how a game can possibly be this bad? Then keep on reading.

In Army Men Advance (called AMA from here on) you take the role of either the tough taking Sarge or his gun-toting girlfriend, Vikki. It seems that the evil Plastro (the villain from just about every other Army Men game) has created a big weapon to destroy the world. You must set out to stop Plastro and end – wait a minute. Does this sound familiar to you? It might because it's the same story in just about every other Army Men game ever created. This meager and boring plot is told out in a bunch of radio transmissions that you receive before each mission. Some random character will tell you broad info about your upcoming mission, such as informing you there is an “enemy base that you must infiltrate and destroy”. There are no plot twists. There are no deep or interesting characters. Heck, there isn't even any dialogue in the game. It's just Generic Blob A shooting apart Generic Blobs B & C. Great job on an original and engaging storyline, 3DO.

There are no redeeming features to this game, and the worst aspect of AMA is it's all-important gameplay. As soon as you shove this game into your GBA you are prompted to select your language. After you decide your dialect, a menu appears that allows you to start a new game, continue off a password, or fiddle around with the game's options (difficulty, sound, or view the game's credits). It's sad that AMA doesn't have a saving feature, but then again, you won't want to play this game more than once, so I guess it doesn't matter much. As soon as you begin the game, you are thrust into your first level. But first, you are given your pointless mission briefing and objectives. After you're done breezing through that garbage, you get thrust into your first skirmish.

AMA attempts to be a fast and furious run-and-gun game. It tries to make you always on your feet, running around large boxy areas, shooting and whacking anything that moves. Your character (and it doesn't really matter who you pick, as both characters are equally the same, and you're not going to get a different ending with either of them or something) can also wield a small assortment of weapons, including a M60, flamethrower, rocket launcher, and the good old assault rifle that you start with. AMA, which takes place in an almost-overhead perspective, mainly involves simply just killing things. However, for this game, 3DO decided to pull a surprise move and include mission objectives that differ from the usual “escape from…” or “Kill…” You may have to gather and collect things now, too. Some objectives include wandering through a maze filled with robots or shooting targets to earn a key. However, in a game that tries to be an action packed shootout, the transition from killing hordes of enemies to collecting keys to open a cage is not welcomed and actually a bit awkward. 3DO also tried to make the game more appealing by adding vehicular combat levels. These are very boring and usually involve a slow moving boat going along a set path. All you have to do is aim and hit the A button as fast as you can to win, but you might just shut off your GBA in boredom before then.

Anyways, back to beginning the game. When you initiate a new game, the first thing you will notice about it, besides the poor graphics and lack of music (which I will explain later) is that the enemy AI is really, really stupid. They can spot you from a mile away, no matter where you are or what direction you are facing, but their “super intelligence” ends there. Once spotted by an enemy, he will continue to attempt to kill you no matter what. You can walk behind a wall, or even go into a different room, and that soldier will keep thinking that if he just keeps firing his gun fast enough that those walls will collapse and you will die. Heck, they even keep shooting at you, even after your character is killed. The enemies have no sense of protection, and it looks like 3DO didn't put in the slightest bit of effort to make this feel like you were fighting more than a troop of brainless blind people. This, of course, means that AMA is a simple game that you can beat in an hour or so. Every level is something the same, and except for the impossible patio level, can be passed in a matter of minutes. Because of the poor AI, it's very simple to just keep shooting your guns as fast as you can and plow through the levels.

Graphically, AMA isn't very pretty. The characters, backgrounds, and various props and objects strewn around the levels are all slightly better Game Boy Color quality. When you begin the game, you may notice that the graphics look very stretched, as if it was made for a smaller screen. I wouldn't be surprised if this was intended for the GBC. Backgrounds are boring and bland. They're usually a gray tile scheme, a black dirt floor, a road, or a silver floor. And that's it. Sure, there are a few objects dropped in places in the levels such as vehicles and desks and such, but they do nothing and just are there to remind you what level you are. Army Men games in the past have always been very serious and somewhat dark in the past, so it is very strange when AMA has “cartoony” graphics. All the characters look like strange bobbleheads, and all the locations look like a poorly drawn comic book. It's very hard to take anything seriously in this game, even if it is intended to be.

AMA doesn't have much for sound, either. The most striking thing about it is the lack of in game music. Yes, that's right – every level, except for the final mission, which has shockingly bad music. The sound effects are poorly done, too. Whenever you shoot or whack and enemy with your gun, they make a funny little grunt that sounds like they're trying to imitate a beat in a rap song or something. After they die, they let out another short grunt that sounds like the character just relieved himself. If you are using Sarge, he will let out the same noises as your enemies when hit. However, if you're using Vikki, she will let out a long, annoying growl each time a bullet smacks her. And that's all there is for sound.

I'll close up this review by saying that AMA is a terrible and flawed game. At no point in the entire span of it is anything even remotely fun, and if you are smart, you'll avoid this game like the plague.

3DO, you could have done better than this.

Verdict

Story 1/10 - Not only is it boring, but it's the same as every other Army Men game
Gameplay 3/10 - Tedious and boring, with nothing making it very fun
Graphics 2/10 - Barely GBA quality… and it looks like it could be on the GBC
Sound 2/10 - No music, and boring sound effects that are lacking yet utterly hilarious
Replay 1/10 - This is one game you're NOT going to want to play again.

Overall (Not an average) – 3/10

Reviewer's Score: 3/10, Originally Posted: 10/26/04