SpongeBob SquarePants: Legend of the Lost Spatula

"Never have I seen such a misuse of a license -- and I'm not talking about SpongeBob's boating license, either."

I myself am a big fan of SpongeBob Squarepants, that psychotic little fry cook in rectilinear shorts. The show cracks me up to no end and is surprisingly highbrow for a children's cartoon. It will one day join the greats of Nickelodeon such as Rocko's Modern Life and Ren & Stimpy. But this game, this travesty of a game, it's not even a game, it's a pile of elephant feces, that's what it is. The controls are slower and less responsive than his pet snail Gary, and everything is just so sloppily put together that it feels like I've been majorly crapped on. I will give it this, however: I liked the intro movie. Now prepare for the dissection.

In SpongeBob Squarepants: Legend of the Lost Spatula (the game's extended title), you are of course the rectangular yellow protagonist SpongeBob. You're looking for the Lost Spatula of the Frying Dutchman, which was lost in the explosion of Mt. Kabloovious that totally engulfed the town of Palm Bay (more than a similarity to a certain real-life event). A pack of grease fires also contributed to the town's demise, and the master of fry cooking, that old Frying Dutchman, went down with the ship, so to speak. If SpongeBob can find that spatula, he'll be the world's greatest fry cook. Seeing how this game plays out, he'll have to settle for pretty good. The bubble-thin story can barely hold itself up, and generally just collapses under the frightful gameplay and shamefully unacceptable controls.

Most of your time is spent wandering around downtown trying to figure out what in God's blue ocean you're doing. You can talk to your friends, old chums like Squidward, Patrick, and Sandy. Thanks to the horrid graphics and pizzazz-less dialogue, which there is barely room for on the screen, all the show's great main characters have been sucked dry of all personality. (You could argue that Squidward never had any personality, but let's not debate that here. We're here to trash a bad, bad game.) They look ugly too - everyone looks ugly, and everyone is ugly. These are some god-awful sprites, and what's worse, when you're in town, you can't tell which ones are out to get you! You have to get hit to tell, then you kill them with a bubble, and they run off in bloody terror, usually at you, and while running they can still hurt you. Forgive me for that tangent, but this game is just atrocious beyond belief. Thankfully there is the show to watch. Very thankfully.

Once you get to the first level (Goo Lagoon), you'll again be wondering what you are doing and you'll probably have forgotten that you're supposed to be finding the oven knobs that will open the gateway to the Underworld and thusly the Lost Spatula. Now that you have something to do, actual control of the hero that is SpongeBob becomes a major issue. Jumping is sporadic, and you can actually tell that it takes half a second for the game to process your request to jump. Everything should run seamlessly at the drop of a hat, but that was apparently too much to ask of THQ, the perpetrators of this vicious crime (that is, making this tepid game). I am ashamed to have dirtied my hands with this pitiful attempt at programming. You're supposed to be able to run around and not have any conflict with that, but you do, and ... and ... ARGH! The controls make me so mad that I must move on.

Ah, now I'm on to music and sound. My question: what music and sound? Either I didn't hear it because I was so blinded with rage at the control scheme, or it was so incredibly annoying that I mentally tuned it out. You can hear how the sound effects definitely take dominance over the music, which shies away from the game much as I did. Music isn't really relevant to a game's awesomeness, but bear in mind that some games are remembered for their music as well as for their other positive traits. This disturbingly bad game will be remembered for how much landfill space it took up.

SpongeBob Squarepants: Legend of the Lost Spatula is not a legend, but I hope it does get lost and beaten to death with a spatula. Or eaten by a pack of rabid St. Bernards much like the titular canine in the Stephen King novel Cujo. If you see it on a store shelf, avert your eyes, but also pity those who have played it, or worse, own it. Those who have played it, my heart is with you, and I am one of you. May the powers that be have mercy on your soul. Don't read this, don't buy this, don't even lay eyes on it for fear that they will melt out as if blanketed with carbolic acid. You can't say I didn't warn you.

Score: 1

Reviewer's Score: 1/10, Originally Posted: 06/06/02, Updated 06/06/02