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    K-Chat Script by dark52

    Version: 4.0 | Updated: 06/25/09 | Printable Version | Search This Guide

                  | This guide has a 60% GameFAQs approval rating. |
                  o----------------o              o----------------o
                                   | 3 Yes / 2 No |  (05/07/2015)
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       ,--, ,--,            /     /\_|___|__|_|  ,--, ,--,      /--|     /------/
       |  |/  /            /    /    /           |  |_|  |     /   |     '-   -'
       |     /      __   ,|    / /--/_,--,___,   |   _   |    /  , |       / /
       |  .  \     / _'''||    ||\       ,  /    |  | |  |   /  __ |      /  /
       | | \  \    '' ''' \    \ \-______,,'     |  | |  |  /  / | |      / /
       '-'  --'            \     \ |___--,       '--' '--'  --   --      --
                             \,   ----,,/
                               '-----,
    
    
    
                   ,-----------------,
                  |   K~CHAT SCRIPT   |
               ,-------------------------------------------------------,
              |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-TABLE OF CONTENTS-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|
              |---------------------------------------------------------|
              |  1 - Introduction.............................[010000]  |
              |  2 - Script...................................[020000]  |
              |      i - Jezz Torrent.........................[020100]  |
              |      ii - Farewell Ranch......................[020200]  |
              |      iii - Giggle Cream.......................[020300]  |
              |      iv - Complete the Look...................[020400]  |
              |      v - Jezz Torrent - Pools of Pain.........[020500]  |
              |      vi - The American Thing!.................[020600]  |
              |      vii - Pet Stuffers.......................[020700]  |
              |      viii - Sissy Spritze.....................[020800]  |
              |      ix - Michelle Carapadis..................[020900]  |
              |      x - The Military.........................[021000]  |
              |      xi - Commercial Break....................[021100]  |
              |      xii - Yuppie and the Alien...............[021200]  |
              |      xiii - BJ's Used Autos...................[021300]  |
              |      xiv - Michelle Carapadis - Callers.......[021400]  |
              |      xv - Giggle Cream........................[021500]  |
              |      xvi - Exploder...........................[021600]  |
              |      xvii - Mr Zoo............................[021700]  |
              |      xviii - Pit Balm.........................[021800]  |
              |      xix - Just the Five of Us................[021900]  |
              |      xx - Mr Zoo: On the Phones...............[022000]  |
              |      xxi - Pastor Richards Statue.............[022100]  |
              |      xxii - Maibatsu Thunder..................[022200]  |
              |      xxiii - Gethsemanee......................[022300]  |
              |      xxiv - Farewell Ranch....................[022400]  |
              |      xxv - Exploder Survival Knife............[022500]  |
              |      xxvi - Gethsemanee - Coven Leader Phil...[022600]  |
              |      xxvii - BJ's Fit for Football............[022700]  |
              |      xxviii - Domestobot......................[022800]  |
              |      xxix - BJ Smith..........................[022900]  |
              |      xxx - Musty Pines........................[023000]  |
              |      xxxi - Knife After Dark..................[023100]  |
              |      xxxii - BJ Smith - Comeback..............[023200]  |
              |      xxxiii - Degenatron......................[023300]  |
              |      xxxiv - Salivex..........................[023400]  |
              |      xxxv - Claude Maginot....................[023500]  |
              |      xxxvi - D'Leo and Furax..................[023600]  |
              |      xxxvii - Ammu-Nation.....................[023700]  |
              |      xxxviii - Claude Maginot - Phones........[023800]  |
              |      xxxix - Maibatsu Thunder.................[023900]  |
              |      xl - Advice about Reds...................[024000]  |
              |      xli - Pastor Richard's Statue............[024100]  |
              |      xlii - Thor..............................[024200]  |
              |      xliii - Medallion Man....................[024300]  |
              |      xliv - Synth and Son.....................[024400]  |
              |      xlv - Thor - Phones......................[024500]  |
              |      xlvi - Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts.........[024600]  |
              |      xlvii - Think Your Way to Success........[024700]  |
              |      xlviii - Complete the Look...............[024800]  |
              |  3 - Links to the Past........................[030000]  |
              |  4 - Version History..........................[040000]  |
              |  5 - Thanks...................................[050000]  |
              |  6 - Contact..................................[060000]  |
              |  7 - Copyright................................[070000]  |
              |_________________________________________________________|
                   |                                    |
                   | Author: dark52                     |
                   | Version: 4.0                       |
                   | Last Updated: 25/06/09             |
                   | Website: http://gta.darkspyro.net/ |
                   | Email: dark52(at)darkspyro(dot)net |
                   |____________________________________|
    
    
    ,-----------------------------------------------------------------------------,
    |~-[010000]~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-INTRODUCTION~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~[010000]-~|
    '-----------------------------------------------------------------------------'
    
    Hello and welcome to my scripting for the radio station of Vice City known as
    K-Chat. I decided to write out the entire dialogue of the station for very
    little reason other then I had finished the game to 100% and had completed all
    of my Walkthrough already.
    
    OK then, the script starts at the beginning of the track on the disk, the
    interview with Jezz Torrent.
    
    ,-----------------------------------------------------------------------------,
    |~-[020000]~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~SCRIPT~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-[020000]-~|
    '-----------------------------------------------------------------------------'
    
     ,--------,                    ,--------------,                     ,--------,
    | [020100] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  Jezz Torrent  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [020100] |
     '--------'                    '--------------'                     '--------'
    
        AMY
    
    God, can we play more commercials on this station? This station is about me.
    What? Oh, hmm, Hi, I'm Amy. So right. We're back, I'm here with like, oh my god
    this is so exciting, but now I'm here with Jezz Torrent, a Rock god all the way
    from Scotland, England. So Jezz, I'm sorry as you can tell oooooooh, I'm a
    really huge fan of Love Fist.
    
        JEZZ
    
    Hey, hey, hey, hey, Dinnae say sorry babe, you are a woman of substance and I
    like that.
    
        AMY
    
    Thanks, yeah, thanks, that's cool, and oh, Jezz, who is that thing with you?
    
        JEZZ
    
    Ah dinnae mind Mandy, I think she's zoning out a little bit aren't ya man, look
    she's gotta take me 24/7, you know what I'm saying, poor lassie she's had a
    torrent of Jezz more than one girl can take eh, say hello man.
    
        MANDY
    
    Hi Paul, angle, where are we?
    
        JEZZ
    
    Err, the rock lifestyle hasnae been too good to her, man just go away and sit
    in a lavvy until I'm finished hen.
    
        MANDY
    
    Check the fridge.
    
        AMY
    
    Is she ok, I mean apart from being an UGLY CHEAP COW, she looks half dead.
    
        JEZZ
    
    Aye, she, hey, hey, hey, seriously man dinnae cramp my style, I'm an artist you
    know.
    
         AMY
    
    Uh, heh, ok jezzy, so Jezz, I was listening to your album on my boom box all
    weekend, like how is it, aaah, I mean you know, you're really, totally famous,
    no wait, I mean, uuuuhhh like, so anyway, How. Are. You?
    
        JEZZ
    
    Cool Man, I'm cool, things are good, you cant O.D. on love, and I have tried.
    The tour is really something special, you Americans, you really know how to
    rock and roll man, not like back home.
    
        AMY
    
    I'm so confused, is that because the new album didn't do so well in the UK?
    
        JEZZ
    
    It's that facist Thatcher, I sing about working class people, trying to make it
    through a tough life, I sing about the things they want, trashing hotel rooms,
    wearing glitter on your eyes, and waking up in a ditch next to a totalled
    sports car, when you make minimum wage, love conquers all, know what I mean
    Sheila?
    
        AMY
    
    Uh, the names Amy, heh
    
        JEZZ
    
    Aye right, what ever. Like as was sayin man, right, I'm an artist, I ain't in
    this for the money, if I were, would I be wearing these clothes? It's because
    the critics don't know, you know, they stand there and they do not know, have
    they ever really listened to the lyrics to Bury Me Deep Inside? Eh, if the
    music isn't what they want to hear, if the songs ain't the right songs, you
    know, if things aren't in their space, or whatever, right man, you know that's
    my choice you know, because man I am Love Fist and the thing is right they're
    not, and if they don't get it, and if they're not riding my wave that day man,
    well, you know, I ain't gonna go crying puppies, just because their dog is
    teething you know, as far as these idiots are concerned I'm a man, but I tell
    you sweet heart I've been over to the other side baby, and man, oh, man it's
    beautiful, but these idiots man, they've not been there.
    
        AMY
    
    Ok, riiiight, this last album wasn't your best selling, was it. I don't even
    think it charted in the UK!
    
        JEZZ
    
    What is a chart man? A piece of paper, bring that to a concert and I'll set it
    on FIRE. I ain't no Ronald Reagan of rock babe, album charts are a metaphor for
    human isolation, and the break down of interaction. And I say it's time to
    ROCK. Right Mand?
    
        MANDY
    
    Right Jimmy.
    
        JEZZ
    
    That's right, because I say it is, because sweet heart...
    
        MANDY
    
    I left the stove on.
    
        JEZZ
    
    ...oh man, I am Love Fist, the biggest band in the world.
    
        AMY
    
    Yeah, but you and Dick, and Percy, and Willie, you're all Love Fist, the four
    Scottish horsemen of the apocalypse, Fist Till Morning, Take it on the Chin,
    Zink Deficiency, Four Boys Against Your Face, great tracks, what memories, and
    here you say you dedicate the album to the children of the night, who are they?
    
        JEZZ
    
    No, no, no, no sweet heart man, babe, let's get one thing straight, here,
    hello, *taps mic* are we recording here, this is for the record right, testing,
    testing, testing, now listen. Love-Fist-Is-Jezz-Torrent, I sing the songs sweet
    heart, it's my face on the merchandise, you see us in concert see four men,
    rockin' and dancin' with tears in their eyes. you will see, I am Love Fist, he
    who pays the piper, plays the tune.
    
        AMY
    
    Oooohhhh, I didn't know you had a piper in the band.
    
        JEZZ
    
    Love, I was talking metaphorically, I'm a poyet, condensed meaning,
    enlightenment, we're a family living in death valley, but I walk alone, I am on
    a spiritual journey, and if Percy or Dick, or anybody stands in my way, the
    contract says I'll walk, I've been dragged back, and held down, and embarrassed
    by those guys, but you know, its part of being in a band man, like wearing
    make-up.
    
        AMY
    
    Yeah, but wasn't Percy voted guitarist of the year by Kerrap Rock Monthly?
    
        JEZZ
    
    Look, I love the whole bit with the fuzzy guitar bit, but he's over rated love,
    right, without the Torrents of Abuse, Love Fist would be over, and the new
    contract reflects that, as an artist it's really important that I make a lot of
    money right Mand. You need to keep you and your fringe and your diamonds and
    that, eh?
    
        MANDY
    
    yeah, rock on, keith, roger, what a trip.
    
        JEZZ
    
    Ah, shut up ya silly tart.
    
        AMY
    
    Uh, let's take a caller. Hello, oh, ooh, wuh.. you're on the line with Love
    Fist. Hi.
    
        WAYNE
    
    Yo, this is Wayne man, hoh, Hey guys, I'm on the phone with love fist, Hey
    what's up Jezz, I'm a huge fan, I go to all of your concerts, I get crazy, I
    wear my Love Fist t-shirt everyday, even when I'm with my old lady, hey I heard
    there's subliminal messages in your video, is that true?
    
        JEZZ
    
    Listen, seriously, the big hair, the limousines, the girls, the partying, the
    clubs, the hotel suites, another TV smashed into a thousand pieces right? After
    my unfortunate incident in Cleveland, I told the press, I don't like Mondays.
    This livens up the day, if you're asking me if we was using backmasking, the
    music is reversible, but time is not, do you want me to say, Congratulations
    you have just discovered the secret message, dreams are made to be broken, like
    so many broken dreams, I want to pick up the pieces together, god.. I am so
    creative, love, oh wow, I think I've just wrote a song. Maybe I'll write a song
    about you. Eh. But anyway, like I say, that stuff it doesnae matter, not for
    me, I'm a spiritual person on a journey, right? And nothing will stand in my
    way, you know.
    
        AMY
    
    Boy, do I. On the track Satan's Pillows, you sang about how a broken heart
    can...
    
        JEZZ
    
    Bout how a broken heart can't ever be mended, just broken again, I know, really
    powerful stuff, emotional, I think that song says everything that needs to be
    said about love man, when you belong to the night, its best to take advantage
    of it, and what takes you up, will take you down man, if everyone remembered
    that, the world would be ok, thanks love, you are a real smart cookie.
    
        AMY
    
    Thanks Jezz, now, do you think it's important that, well, I mean, you're a
    great looking guy, even though your girlfriend is a CHEAP TRAMP, but do you
    think that it's important that rock and roll bands look good? Or is it about
    the music?
    
        JEZZ
    
    Like I said, I'm a creature with two faces babe, you know, an angel and a
    devil. And that means it's really important to look good, music cannot stand on
    its own, you need to look good singin' it. I'm tired of people saying all we
    care about is partying, and that we cannae play, if we couldnae play, then
    people wouldnae come to our concerts, we're not going away, and if we do it
    wont be on purpose.
    
        MANDY
    
    Where are we dear creek
    
        JEZZ
    
    We're on the radio love, stop dagging me down, I told ya, if you ride a
    whirlwind, don't be surprised when the dawn breaks, anyway, where were we?
    
        AMY
    
    AAAAAHHHH, she's really getting on my nerves, w..why are you waving your hands
    at me, oh, I'm supposed to go to commercial, I'll be right back!
    
     ,--------,                   ,----------------,                    ,--------,
    | [020200] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  Farewell Ranch  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [020200] |
     '--------'                   '----------------'                    '--------'
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Howdy! Welcome to Farewell Ranch. They say the golden years are the best years
    of your life, but for many seniors they just stink up the house and make the
    grandkids feel uncomfortable with unwanted affection. Now, your old people can
    be earning you money and enjoying their final years at Farewell Ranch it's a
    working farm, cattle ranch and crematiorium where the cowboys are all over 75.
    They'll enjoy rodeos, working in the fields and tending all the final resting
    places of their new friends on Sunshine Hill. Farewell Ranch works your loved
    ones from sun up to sun down. And when your loved one passes away we'll send
    you a presentation package, VHS with the spurs and boots they were wearing as
    they went onto a better world. Our residents sure love it here right Norm?
    
        NORM
    
    Is this WW2?
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Farewell Ranch. The only way to ride into the sunset.
    
     ,--------,                    ,--------------,                     ,--------,
    | [020300] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  Giggle Cream  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [020300] |
     '--------'                    '--------------'                     '--------'
    
        BACKING
    
     Gi,gi gi,gi Giggle Cream! Wa,wa wa,wa,wa,wa wa wa,wa wa,wa That's the sound I
    love.
    
        MAN
    
    Stop my morning, you make my night
    
        WOMAN
    
    And Giggle Cream with everything, you make life bright
    
        MAN
    
    Getting fat and laughing, laughing and getting fat
    
        WOMAN
    
    With giggle cream, get the feeling, and what's more fun than that?
    
        BACKING
    
    Gi,gi gi,gi Giggle Cream! Wa,wa wa,wa,wa,wa wa wa,wa wa,wa That's the sound I
    love.
    
        MAN
    
    Giggle cream! It makes desert funny!
    
     ,--------,                  ,-------------------,                  ,--------,
    | [020400] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  Complete the Look  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [020400] |
     '--------'                  '-------------------'                  '--------'
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Asian pyjamas, chinese bandana. Something missing?
    
        BACKING
    
    Complete the look!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    With a throwing star, kendo sticks, or nun-chucks. At Vice City's onestop shop
    for the silent fashion assassin.
    
        BACKING
    
    Wow, you look like a psycho!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Complete the look.
    
     ,--------,            ,------------------------------,             ,--------,
    | [020500] |~-~-~-~-~-|  Jezz Torrent - Pools of Pain  |~-~-~-~-~-~| [020500] |
     '--------'            '------------------------------'             '--------'
    
        AMY
    
    Hi, I'm Amy, and you're on K-Chat. Jezz you were telling me about the music.
    
        JEZZ
    
    Aye, yeah. You know, we wear these costumes to appeal to the working man,
    because after you spend a day working in a steel mill, you want to wear tight
    leathes clothes and play air guitar. That's what we're about, the recent album
    was a musical trip through hell, and I think it shows.
    
        AMY
    
    Oh Yeah, it does.
    
        JEZZ
    
    I mean, I saw Satan, he didn't like what he saw in me, he saw darkness, but
    also a gentle side. Ask Mand, I can find treasure in the dark. And it's that
    erm... its that err.... err.. what's the word? Erm...
    
        AMY
    
    Thing?
    
        JEZZ
    
    Yeah, that's the thing that typifies me as an artist, heart and soul, head and
    trousers, everything, that's what you get at one of my shows, Jezz Torrent and
    Love Fist will really show you, you know, we take the soul into darkness, bring
    your lighters, you know, I invented that, I've about had it with wankers
    ripping off my vibe, I wore women's clothing first, why? because it tells you
    about light and darkness, like the moon, but seriously love, you've got great
    eyes, really.
    
        AMY
    
    Oh, heh, thanks Jezz, I've always thought that your music really lets people
    see into your soul.
    
        JEZZ
    
    Right into great big pools of pain like me, Dangerous Bastard, you see babe,
    I've had my heart broken and I am still a man, I'm working on a song right now
    called fallen stars on shattered dreams in the rain, it's about being able to
    communicate through music rather than words, its set in a wind tunnel, that's
    why there's a huge snake painted on my jacket, the snake symbolises kind of
    a... subconscious power force, because, life is pain babe, and without music
    I'd be lost. This new album is our most mature work yet. I am brilliant on it,
    because I sing from the heart.
    
        AMY
    
    About... Heart break?
    
        JEZZ
    
    Babe, babe, babe, don't go there please, do your show a favour, take it easy,
    my people spoke to your people about this, and seriously, I appreciate the
    offer, and look, I would shag you, but you have to understand, its too soon.
    
        AMY
    
    Because Sharry left you, right?
    
        JEZZ
    
    Babe, babe, my people spoke about this to your people. I said do not mention
    Sharry, it's like sticking needles in my soul, voodoo, who are you? Are you my
    personal devil, that you could do this to me the pain is too much, I have hair
    on my face to hide my soul, Sharry had to go, because she wanted to be a
    marine. We couldn't be together, seriously, don't go there.
    
        AMY
    
    Ah, uhuhuhuh, uh, this is so sad *sniff* do you have a tissue out there, oh
    Jezz, I'm so sorry.
    
        JEZZ
    
    Seriously love, if you listen to the song dragon eyes, it says everything that
    needs to be said about her, you can't help me, it's raw like a chickens head
    you know, the pain it grips you, and makes you think about everything. It's the
    longest night of all, December of the soul.
    
        AMY
    
    Jezz *sniff* This has been the best *sniff* interview *sniff* of my life,
    thanks so much for coming on. For all you love fist fans out there, it's time
    for a contest.
    
        JEZZ
    
    That's right, ladies and gents, you're listening to me, Jezz Torrent on K-Chat
    being interviewed by, by...
    
        AMY
    
    It's Amy. Oh god, you forgot my name?
    
        JEZZ
    
    Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Citizens of Vice City, now you've got the opportunity to
    win a part of me, my signature, ink. I only give away parts of myself to people
    who have bought all our records. So you've got to answer this: On which album
    did Beast Fist appear? Was it a: Dogs on Heat, b: Fat Chicks, All Day All Night
    or c: Devil's Own Band.
    
        AMY
    
    For the chance to win tons of Love Fist prizes, just answer the question. All
    you need to do is write the answer on a postcard and send it into the station.
    Jezz, before you go, will you please play us a song acoustic?
    
        JEZZ
    
    Piss off! Acoustic songs are for sissys! Babe, seriously, do not cramp my
    style. Look, I've got to save up the love for the big show. Babe, I love you, I
    really do. Friends for life. Dancing in the fire and all that. Always good to
    meet a fan. Will you look after Mand for us will ya?
    
        MANDY
    
    Aww, I lost my lighter again.
    
        JEZZ
    
    LOVE FIST!
    
        AMY
    
    That was the dreamy Jezz Torrent of Love Fist who are appearing this week in
    Vice City as part of their world tour. Bring your lighters and a spare pair of
    panties. I know I will. We'll be right back on K-Chat after these messages,
    thanks.
    
     ,--------,                 ,---------------------,                 ,--------,
    | [020600] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  The American Thing!  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [020600] |
     '--------'                 '---------------------'                 '--------'
    
        SPEAKER
    
    What makes a real American? A cowboy hat? Enjoying a fine T-bone steak? Going
    to a baseball game? Shooting a gun? Maybe it's the freedom to go into a poor
    country and tell them how to do things! Heh! Those are all great qualities! But
    one thing that makes a true patriot is the ability to choose an American car.
    When you buy an import you take a hot meal off a hard working American's table.
    
        BABY
    
    *Cries*
    
        SPEAKER
    
    There, there! This poor girl is going to starve to death, just because you
    bought a cheaper, more efficient Maibatsu. Without gross symbols of excess,
    what will Americans have to look up to? Our great industries are threatened!
    Cars, pornography, armaments! And they need your help! So the next time you buy
    a car, a piece of adult literature or a missile defence system, make sure you
    do the American thing!
    
     ,--------,                    ,--------------,                     ,--------,
    | [020700] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  Pet Stuffers  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [020700] |
     '--------'                    '--------------'                     '--------'
    
        OLD MAN
    
    Old Max. We go everywhere together. Right boy?
    
        SPEAKER
    
    At Pet Stuffers, we know there's nothing like the relationship between a man
    and his dog. Sometimes you just can't let go.
    
        OLD MAN
    
    Max, you didn't eat your food. That's the second week in a row. Max?
    
        SPEAKER
    
    When the unspeakable happens, just put your four-legged friend in the
    fridgerator or freezer, then call Pet Stuffers! We'll be there within a week to
    pick him up and in less then a month he'll back as good as new. Through an
    Ancient Egyptian miracle process called Taxidermy you and your best friend will
    always be together.
    
        OLD MAN
    
    Yeah, that's a good dog.
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Pet Stuffers, when you just can't let go. And coming soon, Grandparents
    Forever!
    
     ,--------,                    ,---------------,                    ,--------,
    | [020800] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  Sissy Spritze  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [020800] |
     '--------'                    '---------------'                    '--------'
    
        BACKING
    
    Higher!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    The key to feeling great is looking great, and the way to look great is to have
    great hair - that's great!
    
        BACKING
    
    Take your hair higher! Take-your-hair to-the-limit!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Use Sissy Spritze when your clubbing, or sticking your head out of a stretch
    limo sunroof, you want to know your hair is performing to the limit.
    
        BACKING
    
    Higher! Gonna get higher than the sky!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    With Sissy Spritze, it's hair for the future, not the past. When you have great
    hair, people know you're a winner!
    
        BACKING
    
    Gonna fly on my own hair tonight!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Sissy Spritze may cause dry mouth, dilated pupils, paranoia, heart palpitations
    and nose bleeds, but your hair will be great!
    
        BACKING
    
    Higher!
    
     ,--------,                 ,--------------------,                  ,--------,
    | [020900] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  Michelle Carapadis  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [020900] |
     '--------'                 '--------------------'                  '--------'
    
        AMY
    
    This is K-Chat, welcome back to the show. I'm Amy Sheckenhausen and next up,
    we're going to be interviewing someone with a lot to say for herself. A woman
    who pretended to be a man and then wrote a book about it. I haven't read it,
    but I'm going to pretend I did. She's professer of Anthrosociology and womens
    studies at the University of Vice City. And her name is Micheala Crapis.
    Crapadis. Micheala. Michelle. Hi, welcome to K-Chat.
    
        MICHELLE
    
    Hello.
    
        AMY
    
    Hi, so Michelle, you're a teacher?
    
        MICHELLE
    
    If you mean professor, yes I have a doctorate, teachers are homely women who
    make minimum wage to keep the teenage boys off the streets during the day. I am
    very intelligent and I'd rather talk about that. I'm trying to sell my book.
    
        AMY
    
    Ok, now it says here you wanted to be a man so much, you dressed up like one.
    
        MICHELLE
    
    Well that's a load of crap my dear. More misogynistic propaganda I hate men,
    can't bear them, I think they're a complete waste of time and space quite
    frankly and a disaster for the planet.
    
        AMY
    
    Me too, I just got dumped.
    
        MICHELLE
    
    Oh well it is unfortunate you measure your self-worth in relation to a man my
    dear. Look at you. You could be an attractive girl. If you did some physical
    labour, cut your hair short, grew out your body hair and wore boots for
    example. You mustn't get sucked into their hetro-patriarchy.
    
        AMY
    
    But I like dating, having someone buy you dinner is great.
    
        MICHELLE
    
    Well we'll come back to you and your problems accepting who you really are.
    Let's talk about me a bit more.
    
        AMY
    
    Ok, so, tell me about your book. You hate men a lot. And you dressed up like
    one, and now you've written a book about it. Right?
    
        MICHELLE
    
    More or less. As I said I'm very intelligent so I don't expect you to
    understand, my dear, but I'll try to keep it simple. I've always been
    fascinated with the world of men, revolted of course, but fascinated. Now, as
    an acemdemic I can get paid to write a book about pretty much anything as long
    as I give it a complicated title. Are you with me gorgeous?
    
        AMY
    
    Ooh, I think so.
    
        MICHELLE
    
    Good, then hold my hand, it helps me think.
    
        AMY
    
    No!
    
        MICHELLE
    
    Ok, ok, sorry. Don't be so weird. God, everywhere I go just like the
    university, won't let me display my beautiful and sensual woodcuts in the
    student comments. It makes me so angry! Where was I?
    
        AMY
    
    You were talking about yourself.
    
        MICHELLE
    
    Oh of course. The ego is a dangerous thing especially in my case, I'm a
    Jungian, anyway, so what I did was dress up like a man and enter into the man
    world. I can tell you it was more horrifying than I imagined.
    
        AMY
    
    What did you do?
    
        MICHELLE
    
    Well, the first chapter, I was a roofer. These sexists spend all day on a roof
    talking about us Amy. I was expected to sit around and talk about what I had
    done to women, of course I had to so as not to blow my cover.
    
        AMY
    
    So what's the name of your book?
    
        MICHELLE
    
    Yes, as mentioned hitherto, my book has a very very obtuse title. Being and
    Seeing, From Freud to the Building Sites, a Woman's Journey into the Male
    Psyche.
    
        AMY
    
    Huh? What?
    
        MICHELLE
    
    I'll admit it's not very catchy. But Academia is not about getting to the
    point. It's about exploration.
    
        AMY
    
    Ok, wow, I'm learning a lot today.
    
        MICHELLE
    
    Yeah, so I entered the world of men, in disguise of course, I was dressed like
    a man.
    
        AMY
    
    Ok, and you haven't changed back?
    
        MICHELLE
    
    What, what did you say?
    
        AMY
    
    You're still dressed like a man.
    
        MICHELLE
    
    No I'm not, these are my normal clothes. Amy for gods sake, don't fall prey to
    the patriarchy's evil fashion schemes!
    
        AMY
    
    Oh, sorry.
    
        MICHELLE
    
    Anyway, I learned a lot when I was a man. Did you know for example that during
    my time as a steelworker in Pittsburg, I learned that men sometimes speak
    crudely about women when they are out of earshot. I was horrified. Or that men
    regard some women, like you Amy, as mere sex toys. Things for their amusement.
    Unbelieveable! Or that men actually find sports interesting! It's appalling.
    And they run the world my pretty, oh yes, they run the world.
    
        AMY
    
    They do?
    
        MICHELLE
    
    Yeah. Look at Reagan, look at Thatcher, look at Gorbachev, while we stay home
    and bake cookies, well screw that sweetheart.
    
        AMY
    
    Yes, I agree.
    
        MICHELLE
    
    Good, don't bake a cookie, smash him in the face with a baking tray instead.
    He's a brainless dolt, he's a man. Did you know men enjoy looking at pictures
    of naked women? It's called pornography, it's sick and foul. I'm giving a talk
    about it this weekend at the women's centre. That's women with a y.
    
        AMY
    
    Hah, I think you spelt it wrong.
    
        MICHELLE
    
    Are you a woman? Three of the five letters that make up your description are M.
    A. N. You're too dependant on men amy. That's why I don't call myself a woman
    Amy.
    
        AMY
    
    Um, ok.
    
        MICHELLE
    
    I bet this radio station is owned by a man, white male conservatives monopolise
    the media selecting right wing blondes to propagate conservatism.
    
        AMY
    
    I don't have blonde hair.
    
        MICHELLE
    
    Not yet Amy, not yet. Did you know men drink beer and smoke cigarettes and wear
    hats?
    
        AMY
    
    Uh, umm, yeah.
    
        MICHELLE
    
    Heh well, you must have read my book. I've discovered a lot of things. I was
    also a policeman and an untrained brainsurgeon. And they're all the same, all
    women haters.
    
        AMY
    
    But just because they like sports and hats, doesn't mean they hate women does
    it?
    
        MICHELLE
    
    You self hating fool! Of course it does! The media, meaning you, falsely
    portrays feminists as bra burners, out-dated combat boot wearing, bad mothers.
    Why don't you take your top off right now Amy huh? Tell them you won't be
    censored any more!
    
        AMY
    
    No! I'm getting a little freaked out here, ah buh, hit the, buh
    
     ,--------,                    ,--------------,                     ,--------,
    | [021000] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  The Military  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [021000] |
     '--------'                    '--------------'                     '--------'
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Do you en- (interputed) we'll teach you how to make beds, march in squares,
    shine shoes, clean bathrooms, kill a man with your bare hands and do it all
    with pride. The military teaches you all the skills you'll need later in life.
    Call 1-800-BEAHERO. And become a real man today.
    
     ,--------,                  ,------------------,                   ,--------,
    | [021100] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  Commercial Break  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [021100] |
     '--------'                  '------------------'                   '--------'
    
        AMY
    
    Why are you waving your hands... oh, I'm supposed to hit the other commercial.
    
     ,--------,                ,----------------------,                 ,--------,
    | [021200] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  Yuppie and the Alien  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [021200] |
     '--------'                '----------------------'                 '--------'
    
        SPEAKER
    
    This fall, a new hard-hitting police drama is coming to Friday night. He was a
    well to do cop, transferred to a troubled precinct, downtown. His new partner
    is a space traveller, with a passion for justice. It's Yuppie and the Alien!
    
        CAPTAIN
    
    Look! You may vaporize dissidents in Alpha Centauri, but in this precinct, we
    do it by the book!
    
        YUPPIE
    
    I'm so terribly sorry, captain.
    
        GOOGAN
    
    Da, Googan sorry!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Don't miss this one of a kind police drama. They're fighting crime the hard
    way, in designer clothes, with a quarter of a million dollar sports car, and a
    UFO.
    
        YUPPIE
    
    Partner, let's go cruise in the car and look moody.
    
        SPEAKER
    
    One tough, downtown precinct, two outsiders, doing things their way, Yuppie and
    the Alien, on VBC.
    
     ,--------,                   ,-----------------,                   ,--------,
    | [021300] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  BJ's Used Autos  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [021300] |
     '--------'                   '-----------------'                   '--------'
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    Hi, I'm BJ Smith, tight end for the Vice City Mambas and proud proprietor of
    BJ's Used Autos. Cars from all over America come to find a new home in Florida,
    just like you. I moved here after the draft, football uh not Vietnam, even
    though they do have a lot in common, I noticed there was one thing missing from
    this great town, a celebrity endorsed used car shop. That's why I founded BJ's
    Used Autos. Everyone of these beauties is freshly painted they look brand new.
    We have new models coming in every morning, usually around 2 am, we can get you
    anything, and if you see a car of your dreams, tell us, we can aquire it for
    ya! I've taken the skills I've learned as a pro football player to the used car
    business, smash grab and run like hell. BJ's Used Autos, I'm tackling low
    prices with hot cars.
    
     ,--------,            ,------------------------------,             ,--------,
    | [021400] |~-~-~-~-~-|  Michelle Carapadis - Callers  |~-~-~-~-~-~| [021400] |
     '--------'            '------------------------------'             '--------'
    
        AMY
    
    If for some reason you'd like to speak to Michelle Crapper, just give her a
    call on K-Chat, who's on the line?
    
        CALLER
    
    Michelle, hi! Peace sister. I'm wearing trousers, I haven't shaved or waxed in
    nine months. I left my broken hearted husband and baby behind. Now I'm living
    in a commune with a series life partners having quite simple amazing
    experiences, I got my inspiration from a lecture you gave last year. Thank you
    so much. You taught me a lot.
    
        MICHELLE
    
    Yes good sweetheart, but ask yourself, are you doing enough? It sounds to me
    like you're living a lie. Your life is still very man centric. You're still
    justyfying yourself by the I am Not rather then the I Am principle. I mean
    really, you might as well make his bed and clean his litter tray for gods sake.
    It's half hearted fools like you that give feminism a bad name.
    
        CALLER
    
    But, I, I even attacked by brother with a bread knife.
    
        MICHELLE
    
    You showpony! Promqueen, cheerleader, skirt wearer. You see Amy, that's the
    thing about people, they're so halfhearted. Pick and Mix, not prepared to carry
    out their threats. That woman, that lady, as I bet she likes to be known, is
    really a self hater, a failure in a man's world. You know, why, I bet she's
    never even attacked a man with a vat of boiling oil.
    
        AMY
    
    But she said she tried to kill her brother.
    
        MICHELLE
    
    Don't argue with me! I write books!
    
        AMY
    
    Ok, next caller.
    
        CALLER
    
    Michelle, I'm a huge fan.
    
        MICHELLE
    
    Are you?
    
        CALLER
    
    Yes, you've really changed my life. Before I heard you speak a couple of times,
    I was getting into the feminist movement, but in sort of a silly way.
    
        MICHELLE
    
    Really?
    
        CALLER
    
    Yeah, you know, burning my bra, beating up policeman, shooting my dad and
    stuff. Just fooling around you know. I really didn't understand the feelings I
    was having.
    
        MICHELLE
    
    Ah, I know the wearisome troubles of the halfhearted.
    
        CALLER
    
    And then after listening to you, I realised what a load of crap it was.
    
        MICHELLE
    
    Excuse me.
    
        CALLER
    
    I realised what a load of crap it was. You can't hate men just because they're
    different, you can't hate anyone just because they're different. You have to
    work with them. Luckily I needed a moronically, pretentious, over educated
    hairless old heriden like you to show me how stupid I was being. I mean, we're
    all just people, and it's idiots like you who cause the problems in this world
    in the name of reclaiming some false ideal. And blabering on and on about
    gender politics at rallys just so you can wear leather in public.
    
        MICHELLE
    
    Why you misogynist.
    
        CALLER
    
    No, you're insane. You hate yourself because you're a failure, you're an
    appaling academic and about as intellectual as a haemorrhoid, goodbye.
    
        MICHELLE
    
    Well, uh, hum, well it's nice to see my work has stimulated such healthy debate
    don't you think?
    
        AMY
    
    Uh, Michelle? She hated you.
    
        MICHELLE
    
    Yeah, nonsense, poor dear was in bits. Not very used to the cut and thrust of
    acedemia, I thought she expressed herself poorly and didn't know what she was
    saying. Probably burnt her husband's cakes or something. It is important for me
    to confront the differences and similarites between myself and other women. I
    am smart, strong, I seek liberation. Your society imposes on me.
    
        AMY
    
    God, this is all so confusing. Everything has two meanings.
    
        MICHELLE
    
    Exactly, apart from the word through which has five. You can choose to be a
    victim Amy, but after you read my book you'll realise men are irrelevant. Can a
    man have a baby? Do I need a man to have a baby? No. We don't need men, we need
    more parts of town we can call our own, more parades, more gatherings of
    understanding where women can beat each other with pillows and practise judo.
    
        AMY
    
    That doesn't sound like fun at all.
    
        MICHELLE
    
    Oh shutup, I've had enough of you you little tart.
    
        AMY
    
    That makes two of us. Right, listeners don't go away. When you come back we'll
    have a new guest and I promise they'll be more interesting then Michelle
    Crapartist. Michelle, it's been a pleasure, I'm sure we've all found this very
    illuminating. And why our beliefs are right in the first place. We'll be back
    right after this.
    
     ,--------,                    ,--------------,                     ,--------,
    | [021500] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  Giggle Cream  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [021500] |
     '--------'                    '--------------'                     '--------'
    
        BACKING
    
    Gi-gi gi-gi Giggle Cream! Wa-wa wa-wa-wa-wa wa wa-wa wa-wa That's the sound I
    love.
    
        MAN
    
    Love the dairy goodness, propelled with toxic gas.
    
        WOMAN
    
    Make detol real low, suck it have a blast.
    
        MAN
    
    You can buy it anywhere, grocery store or shop.
    
        WOMAN
    
    Make sure that you're in a chair 'cos your heads gonna block. Oh no!
    
        BACKING
    
    Gi-gi gi-gi Giggle Cream! Wa-wa wa-wa-wa-wa wa wa-wa wa-wa That's the sound I
    love.
    
        MAN
    
    Giggle cream! It makes desert funny!
    
     ,--------,                      ,----------,                       ,--------,
    | [021600] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  Exploder  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [021600] |
     '--------'                      '----------'                       '--------'
    
        SPEAKER
    
    He was a man of peace, living on a quiet farm in North Dakota. 'Till one day
    all hell broke loose!
    
        SOLDIER
    
    Tim we need you!
    
        TIM
    
    I'm a man of peace, I'm done killing! I wanna raise a family!
    
        SOLDIER
    
    That's just it Tim! They've got your family!
    
        TIM
    
    Noo!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Jack Howitzer is Tim in Exploder! From the heart of America to the jungles of
    Cambodia, follow one man's quest for peace.
    
        TIM
    
    Ho Chi Vet is that you!
    
        HO CHI
    
    Tim I know you come! Just like old days we kill everybody!
    
        SOLDIER
    
    Tim they've got your wife!
    
        TIM
    
    But I'm not married!
    
        SOLDIER
    
    You are now, to America!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    He went in to save his country, but found his family and lost a friend.
    
        TIM
    
    Ho Chi!
    
        HO CHI
    
    Tim don't leave me! You taught me baseball Tim and how to laugh!
    
        TIM
    
    Noo! He would have been a fine American. I'll cry when I'm done killing!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Get yourself a body bag, strap yourself in, start making friends the American
    way! Exploder: Evacuator Part 2! Rated PG, may include patriotic garbage.
    
     ,--------,                       ,--------,                        ,--------,
    | [021700] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  Mr Zoo  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [021700] |
     '--------'                       '--------'                        '--------'
    
        AMY
    
    So, hello everyone and welcome back to K-Chat. Vice City's main place for
    things. I mean well, it's a place in Vice City where things go on like
    interviews or things or other things like that. But at the moment it's
    interviews! And I'm Amy Sheckenhausen, the best interviewer in Vice City and
    exclusive to K-Chat. Remember you only hear Amy on K-Chat. Our next guest is a
    man on a mission. And that's why he's got such a silly name. His mission is
    simple, zoos. His name is Mr Zoo.
    
        MR ZOO
    
    G'day Aim.
    
        AMY
    
    Hi Mr Zoo.
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Hi, the name's Pat, Pat Flanerdy. But I love zoos, I really do. That's why they
    also call me Mr Zoo.
    
        AMY
    
     OK, and which do you prefer?
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Ah what darlin?
    
        AMY
    
    Which name, Mr Zoo, or Pat Flingerthingy?
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Ah, I don't mind babe. Whatever you fancy. Fine by me as long as we talk about
    animals. I don't give a damn what you call me. As long as it ain't Sheila or
    something.
    
        AMY
    
    Ha, ha ha, you're silly Mr Zoo. Why would I call you Sheila?
    
        MR ZOO
    
    I don't know love you tell me.
    
        AMY
    
    Ok, um, this is getting confusing. It says here your name is Mr Zoo, and now
    your saying your name is Pat Flanagum, and now you're saying it's Shelia?
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Uh, doll, the name ain't Sheila, that's a Sheila's name. It's an Australian
    joke.
    
        AMY
    
    Okay, oh right. I don't speak Australian, do I?
    
        MR ZOO
    
    I guess not sweetheart.
    
        AMY
    
    Ok, well, moving on. You're Mr Zoo?
    
        MR ZOO
    
    That I am
    
        AMY
    
    Cool! And I hear you've made quite a name for yourself, why's that?
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Because I love animals Aim, animals. And publicity and stuff, and I love
    animals I love 'em.
    
        AMY
    
    Me too!
    
        MR ZOO
    
    That's the thing babe. We all love animals but we don't know too much about
    them, that's what I'm here to tell to you about, that and myself of course.
    
        AMY
    
    Of course so, right, what about animals?
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Well its interesting right, but not a lot of folks realise that we're 90% the
    same as a fly or a cockroach or a pigeon that's the new science out there
    called Genestics, I think, which is going to be real popular real soon. But
    what it tells us is all animals are pretty much the same, from a genetical
    level.
    
        AMY
    
    Oh cool!
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Damn right it's cool babe! You know what that means don't ya?
    
        AMY
    
    No I haven't got a clue!
    
        MR ZOO
    
    It means we've all got to start caring for one another like family.
    
        AMY
    
    OK! So let me get this straight, like my brother is a cockroach, and my dad is
    a pigeon and my mom is a fly. Is that right?
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Well sort of genesticallistically speaking but your bang on love. And you know
    what that also means?
    
        AMY
    
    Uh, no.
    
        MR ZOO
    
    That you could legally speaking marry any animal you wanted and have kids
    unless you're married already babe, you ain't married are ya?
    
        AMY
    
    No, I just split up from my boyfriend he didn't like me being on the radio.
    Whatever. Said I sounded stupid.
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Well that's my point love, I mean, imagine if you'd been out dating a wolf or a
    cute little deer he'd protect you and stuff, urinate to keep out intruders but
    he wouldn't mind you being on the radio, wouldn't mind a bit.
    
        AMY
    
    Why not?
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Wolves and deer's have no concept of jealousy of someone else's success. That's
    the Genestistic variation between homoerectus and spider monkeys. Jealousy and
    fur and stuff.
    
        AMY
    
    Oh.
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Oh indeed sweet thighs, oh indeed. Would you like Mr Zoo to tell you something
    else?
    
        AMY
    
    Yeah.
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Everything you learned in school was a lie babe, a lie! Take porology for
    instance. You were told sharks were dangerous right?
    
        AMY
    
    Yes.
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Cobblers babe. They're frightened of you. They ain't gonna hurt you! Have you
    ever tried cuddling a shark, getting down and dirty with one, relaxing it a
    little?
    
        AMY
    
    No.
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Well I have, and I'll tell ya its very rewarding Aim babe. Very rewarding
    indeed.
    
        AMY
    
    Really?
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Yeah, absobloodylootly love! Once you've calmed it down with a little rubbin
    it's like a swimin puppy, real affectionate and stuff.
    
        AMY
    
    OK, I'll try that!
    
        MR ZOO
    
    You should love, you really should. Let me tell you something else.
    
        AMY
    
    Go on, go on.
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Well, this is something for the guys out there really. You know with a girl
    like, you ain't got a clue, I mean a female human, when she's on heat right and
    ready to mate, looks identical to a female human when she ain't on heat. And
    would throw a drink over your face if you grab her behind and start trying
    anything intimate. You can't tell the difference. I know that only too well.
    But take a Fawker monkey from the jungles of the Philippines, when she's on
    heat, her behind sticks up and glows bright red and she makes a sound a bit
    like this (Mr Zoo makes a crazy screaming monkey mating call) and any fool or
    dingbat can tell she's ripe and ready for action, certainly clears up any
    confusion.
    
        AMY
    
    Yeah I guess it does.
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Or a female Black Widow spider, now, they eat their mates after the deed, as
    they say, is done.
    
        AMY
    
    Uegh!
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Yeah, I know! That certainly puts things into perspective doesn't it?
    
        AMY
    
    I've never done that.
    
        MR ZOO
    
    No, but you can now because you're the same! Well more or less the same. I mean
    that's the funny thing about my work, about Genestetics.
    
        AMY
    
    Oh God! The world is so complicated.
    
        MR ZOO
    
    There are also lots of tiny differences between animals, you know what a
    species is don't ya Aim?
    
        AMY
    
    Yes.
    
        MR ZOO
    
    It's an animal, which has other animals, which are quite a bit like it. A dog
    is a species but a cat isn't because there's lots of cats. However, I've
    discovered out there in the wilds loads of new species that regular science
    practiceborror repressed blokes in laboratories has't even known about.
    
        AMY
    
    Really?
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Really I have. There's a hornypat bear named after me, Pat right? Exactly the
    same as a regular bear only it's got a big horny growth hidden right down its
    groin area. You gotta reach in and have a fiddle about and then you find it.
    Completely different it is. I was amazed when I found it.
    
        AMY
    
    I can imagine. I was amazed when I left the hairdressers.
    
        MR ZOO
    
    No wonder darlin. Or the Double Gutted Pat Tree monkey, exactly like a normal
    tree monkey, only it's called after me and if you have a rummage around inside,
    goin in the back door, you discover it's got two digestive tracts, two, amazin!
    Really profound it was.
    
        AMY
    
    Ooh. That's gross!
    
        MR ZOO
    
    No Aim, it's the science of Mr Zoo, gettin down and dirty with animals. Because
    I love them and I hate lies.
    
        AMY
    
    Okay, it also says here you like zoos.
    
        MR ZOO
    
    It's a love hate thing babe.
    
        AMY
    
    That, that's nice.
    
        MR ZOO
    
    But I'm certainly an expert, I know what I'm doing and I'm not afraid to expose
    myself.
    
        AMY
    
    OK, well I'm getting a little confused here why don't we take a break and when
    we come back take some phone calls, because all the buttons are really flashing
    all of a sudden. You're on K-Chat!
    
     ,--------,                      ,----------,                       ,--------,
    | [021800] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  Pit Balm  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [021800] |
     '--------'                      '----------'                       '--------'
    
        SPEAKER
    
    The science of evolution has uncovered many of life's mysteries. Like tadpoles
    or the pyramids. But the mystery of the armpit remains. What's it for? Why is
    it hairy? And why do men have nipples? But one thing is for certain, the armpit
    smells bad. Luckily there's Pit Balm. It's like Napalm for your skin or Agent
    Orange on your sweat glands. Pit Balm stops unwanted bodily functions in their
    tracks. It's as effective as sending GIs into a peasant village. When you're
    fighting the war against personal hygiene, bring out the heavy artillery.
    
     ,--------,                 ,---------------------,                 ,--------,
    | [021900] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  Just the Five of Us  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [021900] |
     '--------'                 '---------------------'                 '--------'
    
        SPEAKER
    
    This Friday night it's the incredible sitcom that has captured America's hearts
    and given the whole country a new catchphrase.
    
        JIMMY
    
    But I'm 42!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Just the Five of Us! After a mix up at the adoption agency the Chesterfields
    came home with three zany new houseguests.
    
        DAD
    
    Jimmy, tidy your room and go to bed.
    
        JIMMY
    
    I'm so sick of this! I keep telling you I've got a rare disease! I look 12 but
    I'm a 42-year-old investment banker. I wanna go out and get laid.
    
        DAD
    
    Oh yeah and I'm Santa Claus. Now tidy your room.
    
        JIMMY
    
    Asshole!
    
        DAD
    
    Shaun, our posh suburban home must be a welcome change from that alley you were
    sleeping in.
    
        SHAUN
    
    I really enjoy living here but there's not enough booze.
    
        SPEAKER
    
    It's the funniest most touching half-hour on television.
    
        DAD
    
    Charlotte, what's that smell?
    
        CHARLOTTE
    
    I set the couch on fire again.
    
        SHAUN
    
    Here I can you help with that. *unzips*
    
        SPEAKER
    
    And this week it's a very special Just the Five of Us where an attractive
    blonde lady tries to steal Jimmy away.
    
        JIMMY
    
    Now you're talkin!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Just the Five of Us, Friday nights on VBS!
    
     ,--------,                ,-----------------------,                ,--------,
    | [022000] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  Mr Zoo: On the Phones  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [022000] |
     '--------'                '-----------------------'                '--------'
    
        AMY
    
    We're on K-Chat, and so are you. If you're listening, I'm here with Australian
    animal lover Mr Zoo. If you've got anything to ask him, why don't you just give
    us a call right now.
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Yeah, great, give us a call right now and I'll tell you anything you need to
    know about animals.
    
        AMY
    
    OK, who's on the line?
    
        CALLER 1
    
    Is that Pat Flanerdy?
    
        MR ZOO
    
    G'day, of course it is.
    
        CALLER 1
    
    And, and you're in Vice City?
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Yeah.
    
        CALLER 1
    
    What are you doing here?
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Promoting animals mate.
    
        CALLER 1
    
    Don't you remember the court case?
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Ah, get lost. Amy, uh, let's have another caller.
    
        AMY
    
    Uh, oh, ok. Whose on line 2? You're through to K-Chat!
    
        CALLER 2
    
    Don't hang up on me Flanerdy you're meant to be in a hospital you sicko.
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Hey, easy there mate. Hospitals are for people who don't feel well. I'm at the
    top of my game.
    
        CALLER 2
    
    Are you insane? Don't answer that. I know the answer. You're sick and insane
    and you need help.
    
        MR ZOO
    
    I've got a Visa mate, I've got a Visa. You can't touch me, I'm bonafide. I love
    animals. Leave me the hell alone or I'll come by your aquarium and feed you to
    the bloody sharks you no good by the book paper pushing murderer. Bobo would
    have lived if you'd let me in the tank. I could have cheered him up. I could
    have done. Now stay away from me y'here? Name all callers k Aim? Phones are so
    impersonal not a two way conversation like the radio.
    
        AMY
    
    Okay, um, who was that?
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Wrong number I think.
    
        AMY
    
    No, it wasn't.
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Yeah it was, a bloody wrong number. He wanted a plumber and a Chinese. I was
    speaking to him in Australian.
    
        AMY
    
    OK, cool. Uh, what was that about the aquarium?
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Nothing babe, all in the past, long time ago. I was tricked into saying
    something I regretted.
    
        AMY
    
    Oh, cool. That happens to me all the time.
    
        MR ZOO
    
    I can see that love. Yeah, big mistake, never trust a judge or a mental health
    tribunal, never. Only trust animals.
    
        AMY
    
    Ok, and what did they make you say?
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Nothing babe! Oh, it was a long time ago look. I brought a little surprise for
    you. It's a little female plague rat. See how relaxed she is with me? I've got
    special powers. She's a lot like a little Joey kangaroo in a lot of ways, you
    know what I mean love?
    
        AMY
    
    What did they make you say?
    
        MR ZOO
    
    I've also brought a menacing trouser snake. Would ya like to see it? Look at
    this it's a little frog in my pocket. Calm as you like, not even awake. Awh
    he's died. Anyway, in this pocket I've got a baby dwarf giraffe I birthed this
    morning, see she's still covered in fluid from her mum's womb. Wow, isn't that
    fabulous?
    
        AMY
    
    Ooh that's grody. What did they make you say at the mental health judge?
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Nothing babe. Nothing at all. Long time ago, it was a bad period in my life. I
    wasn't sleeping, I was heartbroken like a platypus. D'ya know a platypus only
    gets a bill after its mate breaks its heart by sleeping with its brother? I
    know all about that. I was crying my eyes out for weeks. On all kinds of pills
    for my nerves. Couldn't move, couldn't talk. I was cooing like a dove. Please
    darling, let's move on. D'ya want me to talk to a parrot?
    
        AMY
    
    Now I'm really curious, what did they make you say?
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Ii love yoou!
    
        AMY
    
    You do? I never knew!
    
        MR ZOO
    
    They made say I love ya!
    
        AMY
    
    Oh, I made my boyfriend say it and he slept with my best friend. I think we're
    bonding now.
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Noo. We ain't bonding ya halfwit. We're miles apart. I hate ya! They made me
    say I love ya to Bobo.
    
        AMY
    
    Who was Bobo?
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Bobo was the most beautiful creature that was ever on the earth. Ever at all,
    really beautiful.
    
        AMY
    
    Who was she?
    
        MR ZOO
    
    He, he, he!
    
        AMY
    
    Okay okay, he.
    
        MR ZOO
    
    He was a dolphin. And I loved him. And I knew him properly. You people could
    never understand. It's natural. We were identical. From a genertergorcial
    perspective. And Bobo was really unhappy. Putting on a show every day like a
    circus animal. They thought they caught me doing something, but they never did,
    Aim, they never did. We were only cuddling. How can people take that the wrong
    way? Babe, they took me away and they locked me up. Then Bobo died of a broken
    heart.
    
        AMY
    
    He did? That's awful. But, eww, oh. Just a second you sick bastard! Security!
    
        MR ZOO
    
    I love ya more then you can imagine!
    
        AMY
    
    Call the police someone, please help me! This guy is molting animals. Ooh, it's
    gross!
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Aim, I only wanted to be loved. Properly mind and he's gone.
    
        DOC
    
    Pat, it's Doctor Phillips.
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Get lost doc. I got out I'm fine. Me and me friends are travelling around in a
    black van and solving crimes and running from the Colonel.
    
        DOC
    
    Pat, I'm coming in.
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Stay away from me!
    
        DOC
    
    Pat, you've been a very bad boy, come on we're going home now Pat.
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Stay away from me, I've got a poisonous lizard in my boot he'll kill ya in two
    seconds.
    
        OTHER
    
    Pat, please, we've been through this, you're not well. Bobo is dead. It's time
    to get back on the medication and start piecing your life back together. While
    locked up in a padded cell for a very long time, or until you die.
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Is it that time again Doc?
    
        DOC
    
    Yes Pat, it is. C'mon. Put on the straight jacket. Look, it's even got your
    initials on it. And swallow this.
    
        MR ZOO
    
    Oh thanks Doc. Did I tell ya I love animals and they love me? I got a message.
    Look for a wall at the china hand...
    
        OTHER
    
    I'm really sorry about that. Pat is a very, very sick man. We rarely let the
    dangerously ill out into society. And when we do, it's not always fatal.
    
        AMY
    
    Okay, great.
    
        DOC
    
    Get this crack head out of here. Sorry to be a bother.
    
        AMY
    
    Oh, ah, um no bother.
    
        DOC
    
    C'mon, don't bang his head. Those bruises show!
    
        AMY
    
    I never knew animals were so interesting. We'll be back after this. You're on
    K-Chat. Don't go away.
    
     ,--------,               ,------------------------,                ,--------,
    | [022100] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  Pastor Richards Statue  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [022100] |
     '--------'               '------------------------'                '--------'
    
        PASTOR RICHARDS
    
    Do yourself a favour, pick up your telephone, call now. 1-866-9SAVEME. What
    better place to witness 40,000 years of nuclear winter, then from the comfort
    of your very own space ready nuclear bunker? When we raise 25 million we will
    build a 50 storey tall likeness of me. If we raise 300 million the statue will
    rotate so I can look over this great city and cast an evil eye on degenerates.
    And when the eminent nuclear strike occurs, those who put faith into action
    with sufficiently generous contributions will join me inside the Pastor
    Richards salvation statue as we blast into space! Contribute to the Pastor
    Richards Salvation Statue Fund. Pick up your telephone. Call now, 1-866-
    9SAVEME.
    
     ,--------,                  ,------------------,                   ,--------,
    | [022200] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  Maibatsu Thunder  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [022200] |
     '--------'                  '------------------'                   '--------'
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Knights of the road, here's your stallion. The car for freedom.
    
        BACKING
    
    Freedom!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    The car for hot excitement.
    
        BACKING
    
    Excitement!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    The car for a man who is alone against the elements.
    
        BACKING
    
    The Maibatsu Thunder
    
        SPEAKER
    
    The pride is back. It's the power of a compact.
    
        BACKING
    
    Looks small but it's so big.
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Fuel injected.
    
        BACKING
    
    Inject me!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Maibatsu Thunder. On the toll road of life you have to pay to prove you can.
    Live the emotion of an individual.
    
        BACKING
    
    Thunder!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    The awesome power of nature distilled into one vehicle.
    
        BACKING
    
    Wow!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Because after you get struck by lightning, there's thunder!
    
        BACKING
    
    The Maibatsu Thunder!
    
     ,--------,                     ,-------------,                     ,--------,
    | [022300] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  Gethsemanee  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [022300] |
     '--------'                     '-------------'                     '--------'
    
        AMY
    
    Hello, welcome back to K-Chat! I'm a woman so I know it's important to discuss
    feelings. That's why we don't have any male hosts on this station. People open
    up more to women. I was telling my girlfriend yesterday if a woman were
    president we'd nuke a country every 28 days, ahah! In these times of trouble.
    Of international scary things that cause anxiety, people seek sole ice. Or is
    that solace? Oh my god. Some visit lady friends, others go to a bar. and a
    strange few talk to rocks. My next guest is the author of this book 'I'm
    Lovin' the Coven'. She sits on the board of the Vice City resna, renaissance
    committee. Get seminee?
    
        GETHSEMANEE
    
    Gethsemanee
    
        AMY
    
    Ah Gethsemanee Welcome to the show.
    
        GETHSEMANEE
    
    Hello Amy! I brought you a crystal. Isn't it gorgeous?
    
        AMY
    
    I guess so. If you're into shiny glass. I prefer lacy gloves.
    
        GETHSEMANEE
    
    Amy, for many thousands of years, my people have been using crystals and
    gemstones to heal the sick. Take the crystal and then when the night is
    enchanted and the candles have been blown out. And the wind sings through the
    branches of the eucalyptus. Hold up your arms and sing: All dwee my sky sailing
    pregnant moon the goddess.
    
        AMY
    
    Pregnant moon? What are you talking about? Gesemanee?
    
        GETHSEMANEE
    
    Gethsemanee.
    
        AMY
    
    Sorry, whatever, do you even have a last name?
    
        GETHSEMANEE
    
    My compost coven named me Gethsemanee Starhawk Moonmaker. Trust me Amy. I'm
    quite accustomed to people persecuting us. It's been going on for thousands of
    years. Native Americans, they studied crystals, the ancient Chinese, Belgians,
    Superman! They all studied crystals. So why do you view it as so weird. Grab
    your crystal, hold it tight and close your eyes. You will be transported back
    35 thousand years when the temperature of the earth began to drop. The tundra
    was teeming with animal life and small groups of hunters followed the free
    running reindeer and there, under the magnolia tree a woman breast-feeding a
    baby elk. Do you see it? It's nature.
    
        AMY
    
    Ewh gross. You're one of those filthy hippies that thinks breast-feeding in
    public is ok. Well, uh, it's not. There are bottles of milk at the store, don't
    act like a cow. Huh! You really remind me of someone by the way.
    
        GETHSEMANEE
    
    See Amy, you're putting the blinders of society on. We're all the same, I
    remind you of yourself of every man and woman.
    
        AMY
    
    Um, uhuh. No none of them.
    
        GETHSEMANEE
    
    There're trying to outlaw nature. If I'm in the park and a nice gentleman comes
    along, I should be able to breast-feed him. Pretty soon everything natural will
    become illegal. It's really depressing. If I died right now would I get buried
    by a female priestess in a cave surrounded by my favourite tools and ornaments?
    No. There was a time when children were taught about their bodies about the
    goddess lady of the mammoths about the importance of the spiral dance clutching
    a bison horn under the crescent moon. At the bead and rock shop where I work,
    we have classes that teach the importance of feeding wild plants, shellfish and
    understanding ancient crop circles.
    
        AMY
    
    Oh I love lobster.
    
        GETHSEMANEE
    
    Have you ever tried talking to one? Energy flows from everything, even a
    tractor. My mother, the Moon, taught me how to trace ley lines with your bare
    feet in the dirt.
    
        AMY
    
    Listen you're very weird. And you smell like petulia in compost and I think you
    might have a shot at a boyfriend if you shaved and got some gel in your hair
    and put some clothes that fit or something. I mean, please.
    
        GETHSEMANEE
    
    Did Joan of Arc shave? I was given this fascinating pamphlet called Caucasian
    female body hair in American culture. Amy, I love you like my sister but honey,
    you've fallen prey to a sustained marketing assault that began in 1502 to
    convince women that underarm and leg hair was wrong. There's nothing more
    natural then this enormous bush I've got growing under each arm. Having hair is
    natural. What's the deal with Anglo Saxons? I mean go to England. The women
    there don't shave their underarms, it's really quite attractive. You just need
    to focus your eyes to look for healthy signs and not the signs of socialised
    barbarism. Like shaving or wearing deodorant or birthing in a hospital rather
    then the open air like a wolf cub. Remember brother Romulus and noble Remus?
    Wolf raised.
    
        AMY
    
    I find this really interesting, not really but I say it is  because I'm told
    to. I'll be back on K-Chat after these messages from our sponsors.
    
     ,--------,                   ,----------------,                    ,--------,
    | [022400] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  Farewell Ranch  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [022400] |
     '--------'                   '----------------'                    '--------'
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Howdy partners! It's 4:30 in the morning here at Farewell Ranch. And it's time
    to get up and work the old cow. Get up ya oaf! At Farewell Ranch, old people
    don't sit around stagnating watching game shows talking about the good old
    days. Sinking into the grave in a urine soaked mess. At Farewell Ranch they
    sweat and toil until the breaking point. Keep that miserable contemplation of
    mortality at bay. Hell at steering time, we'll work grandpa so hard he'll wish
    he was dead. At the end of the day he'll sit down in the blue grass eat a bowl
    of commemorative beans and enjoy a sing along at one of our nightly funerals.
    It's the cowboy's code. Work hard, don't shower and die in your boots. Right
    Norm?
    
        NORM
    
    Ahh, my prostate!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Farewell Ranch, the only way to ride into the sunset.
    
     ,--------,               ,-------------------------,               ,--------,
    | [022500] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  Exploder Survival Knife  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [022500] |
     '--------'               '-------------------------'               '--------'
    
        SPEAKER
    
    It's the knife that saved America. If you liked the film Exploder, you'll love
    this enormous commemorative survival knife. In the handle you'll find all of
    the things you'll need in any wilderness, disaster situation or the jungle of
    your backyard. It comes complete with fishing line, needle and thread for
    sewing gashes back together. And an incredibly useful endurable toothpick.
    
        HO CHI
    
    Tim, go on without me. I've got toffee stuck in tooth.
    
        TIM
    
    It's okay Ho Chi, try this!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    For those unplanned extended stays in the jungle, there's a saw for building
    your own hut, toilet paper and a fold out woman for company. As well as a
    serrated blade that can kill a man before he can scream.
    
        TIM
    
    That'll shut you up!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    The Exploder survival knife. It's the knife that saved America. Now it can save
    you.
    
        TIM
    
    This knife killed 25,000 people in Cambodia. Now, you can too.
    
     ,--------,           ,---------------------------------,           ,--------,
    | [022600] |~-~-~-~-~|  Gethsemanee - Coven Leader Phil  |~-~-~-~-~| [022600] |
     '--------'           '---------------------------------'           '--------'
    
        AMY
    
    Whatever, I'd die if I didn't have Sissy Spritzs and Blocks. Germs are like so
    gross. Oh, hi, I'm Amy and you're on K-Chat! Gethsemanee, I can't get over how
    familiar you are.
    
        GETHSEMANEE
    
    Oh right Amy, I real hope you read my book. The mysteries of the absolute can
    never be explained. Mother Nature knows more then all of us. That's what keeps
    people coming back for more. People are turning into zombies. A roof separates
    you from the sunshine in the morning, a bed separates you from the loving earth
    at night. That's what's so great about learning these things. When you're no
    longer opressed by the cultural issues of making money, showering, or wiping
    yourself after using the toilet. You can focus on the important things, do you
    travel Amy?
    
        AMY
    
    Well, I've been up north to the theme park and last week I went to the beach.
    
        GETHSEMANEE
    
    No. Really travelled. My coven has been meeting every Thursday, Saturday to
    prepare for a grand coracle journey. Along the same route we took when our
    people came from Russia and Alaska, along the Bering Strait.
    
        AMY
    
    What's a Coracle? Oh is that like a Maibatsu? Uhuh, I prefer American cars.
    
        GETHSEMANEE
    
    No, Coracle. Cora, means Arabian gazelle, which we all know was the daughter of
    Zeus. And cle means gather grass and sew it together. A Coracle is a single
    person rowing boat made from lots of twigs from Ancient Britain. There are so
    many wonderful things you can learn from the Ancient Britons Amy. Like
    metallurgy and how to cauterise the wound when a bear has eaten your arm.
    Everyone used to have a coracle Amy, even people who were scared of water.
    We're all about working to preserve the diversity of natural life. Reuse
    everything.
    
        AMY
    
    Question. Who's this 'we'?
    
        GETHSEMANEE
    
    My coven.
    
        AMY
    
    Like witches?
    
        GETHSEMANEE
    
    Nuh, oh, uh, yes. But not witches like you think. We're just a group of people
    who believe in communal sharing and chanting a lot. And can't find husbands.
    Reading magazines, cloaks, wands, horned gods. Rubbing your skin raw with
    rocks. Dying of old age at 27. Crying in terror when it starts to thunder. And
    these are all the things our ancestors did. Since I found my new mind and body,
    things have really changed for me. Our modern society only celebrates a select
    few. Every woman and every man is a star in the sky Amy. Not just the ones who
    sing on TV or those people in the movies. I think I know what you need to
    separate your reflection from your true self. A Zen garden.
    
        AMY
    
    Oh, my brother had one of those. And the federalies came.
    
        GETHSEMANEE
    
    Oh, no, no, no. Zen silly girl. It's a little sand box you draw pictures in. It
    teaches you things like that death isn't an end it's just a stage and also a
    beginning of a new journey.
    
        AMY
    
    Do you have a leader in this weirdo cult of yours?
    
        GETHSEMANEE
    
    Not a cult, a coven. There's a big difference. Yes our leader's name is Phil.
    
        AMY
    
    That's a weird name for a leader of a group of witches. Oh hi Phil. What hairy
    legs you've got what with being a man who's a witch and everything. Hah, hah,
    hah, hah, har!
    
        GETHSEMANEE
    
    Do not disrespect Phil. He teaches us the wheel of the year Amy. It's full of
    solar holidays and goes round and round and round. You can learn a lot from the
    sun and the moon. If you look at the sun for too long you can go blind. Meaning
    it is something to be respected. And the moon has a dark side, just like we do.
    And some people have craters and only a sixth of gravity. The ancient Britons
    knew the moon could breathe. We can change the world, rearrange the world. It's
    dying though Amy! And it needs some Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Like a swan
    or a fish on a hook. If you take your nervous system seriously, if you take
    your organs seriously and explore them some really neat things can happen. Phil
    taught us that. he's been to Mali to meet with the village elders. That's why
    there's the ceremony of the knife.
    
        AMY
    
    Oh great. Why does everyone have to be packing sharp things?
    
        GETHSEMANEE
    
    The knife ceremony is very important and spiritual. It's an ancient one-person
    personal crisis. You say to yourself, I'm going to have a spiritual experience,
    or thrust this thing into my head. Life actors never rehearse and need no
    script Amy that was said by somebody really spaced out and I'm going to say it
    again. Like the wind which keeps blowing or sun which shines with life.
    
        AMY
    
    Will you please leave you smell and you talk really weird and you're just
    really gross.
    
        GETHSEMANEE
    
    Not until I tell people out there become an internationalist learn oral
    traditions, learn to respect life. Make war on machines, marry your mother.
    Technology will enslave us. Buy my book! It's printed on bark!
    
        AMY
    
    Ok, ok! Let's take a quick call. Hello, you're on K-Chat, what's your name?
    
        EMANUEL
    
    Hey, it's Emanuel from Prawn Island. I love the show. Yeah, I want to talk
    about technology enslaving us. You know that play 'In the Future there will be
    Robots'? Well that's a true story, in the future there will be robots. And I'm
    going to hack 'em all. I'll make them say funny things. You know I can move
    satellites around with my computer.
    
        GETHSEMANEE
    
    Computers are evil. The Luddites of ancient Briton know this. That's why they
    destroyed the computers that created things faster and more efficient and took
    their jobs.
    
        EMANUEL
    
    Oh shut up! Computers aren't evil. It's the people that programmed the
    computers that are evil. That's a pretty big difference. I'm talking to you
    through a computer right now. In fact, I am a computer.
    
        GETHSEMANEE
    
    Well anything that can think faster then me is evil. Anything which doesn't
    dance or sing or cry or wear a smock. You create your own reality. We're like
    the dust in the wind. We are golden. We've got to get ourselves back to the
    garden.
    
        AMY
    
    Okay, okay, huh! I know who you remind me of! My aunt Susan! Oh, she was single
    too.
    
        GETHSEMANEE
    
    I'm not single Amy. I share my life with a number of valuable partners, and we
    commune with each other in a non-judgemental expressive way.
    
        AMY
    
    Old Maid, my mom calls her. Anyway, let's go to the phones. You're on K-Chat.
    
        FREDDY
    
    Uh, yes, thank you, thank you. That was great really interesting. I'm, I'm, I'm
    British you see.
    
        GETHSEMANEE
    
    Like our ancient wood wearing queen. Medusa, meh meh medusa, uh uh uh.
    
        FREDDY
    
    Um, no, I think actually it was Bodicea, but, but no, no, not, not really. I'm
    from Hampshire you see I'm I'm here on business.
    
        GETHSEMANEE
    
    A wanderer!
    
        FREDDY
    
    Yes, I, I was wondering, you're you're a good witch correct?
    
        GETHSEMANEE
    
    Yes, a white witch.
    
        FREDDY
    
    But you have a broom.
    
        GETHSEMANEE
    
    Yes, it's ceremonial.
    
        FREDDY
    
    Supposing I'd been a bad boy. Like if I hadn't learnt my spells or something.
    Would I, would I get smacked with it?
    
        GETHSEMANEE
    
    Violence is wrong.
    
        FREDDY
    
    But you must hit Freddy with your broom. Freddy has been very naughty and not
    learnt his spells. Hit me hairy legs hit me! I deserve it!
    
        AMY
    
    Prank caller! Prank caller! Sorry listeners. Somebody call the IRS. Who let
    that guy in the country?
    
        GETHSEMANEE
    
    Yes, poor man, so lost and ill at ease. With his father son and mother nature.
    I hope he finds what he needs.
    
        AMY
    
    And I need to take a commercial break. Geth good luck.
    
        GETHSEMANEE
    
    Gethsemanee.
    
        AMY
    
    Yes, I hope you find what you're looking for and I sincerely hope you, whew!,
    take a bath. We'll be back after this. You're on K-Chat. Don't go away!
    
     ,--------,                ,-----------------------,                ,--------,
    | [022700] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  BJ's Fit for Football  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [022700] |
     '--------'                '-----------------------'                '--------'
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    Hi, I'm BJ Smith. In my long and illustrious three year career at the top of
    pro football. I whooped some serious ass and got paid for it. They didn't call
    me death in tight pants for nothing. When you've had such a rewarding career
    maiming others as I have, you know how to stay fit. Through running, wrestling,
    stuffing 20s down panties of foxy strippers, firearm training, nature pursuit
    and beating the hell out of your fellow man. That's what keeps me healthy. And
    now, using training methods, I perfected. It's going to work for you with BJ's
    Fit for Football. Watch those pounds fall off. I'm down to 300 pounds using
    exactly the method I demonstrated on tape. I mean, who are you gonna trust to
    get you fit? A man who can rip your arm off and beat you with the wet end, or
    some aerobics instructor who wouldn't get drafted by the local hopscotch team?
    Hell no. BJ's Fit for Football, out now on Beta and VHS. Remember to win in a
    game of football, or life, you have to annihilate everything in your path in a
    blind rage.
    
     ,--------,                     ,------------,                      ,--------,
    | [022800] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  Domestobot  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [022800] |
     '--------'                     '------------'                      '--------'
    
        MAN
    
    Ever since Linda started working, our kids are home alone.
    
        LINDA
    
    We tried hiring a nanny but she wanted health insurance.
    
        MAN
    
    Yeah right, that's when we got Domestobot. He's great with the kids.
    
        DOMESTOBOT
    
    Mrs Laurence, Tommy has some skin magazines under the bed.
    
        LINDA
    
    And he helps us too.
    
        DOMESTOBOT
    
    Would you like your drink freshened?
    
        MAN
    
    He's a great conversation piece at our special parties.
    
        DOMESTOBOT
    
    Please put your car keys in the hat and the fun will begin.
    
        LINDA
    
    It's like having a personalised alarm clock.
    
        DOMESTOBOT
    
    I've brought you a drink.
    
        MAN
    
    Ah, it's eight in the morning!
    
        DOMESTOBOT
    
    I made it a double.
    
        LINDA
    
    Ah Domestobot!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Domestobot, he's three foot high, he only says ten phrases, he's the friend
    you've always dreamed of. Order Domestobot today.
    
     ,--------,                      ,----------,                       ,--------,
    | [022900] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  BJ Smith  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [022900] |
     '--------'                      '----------'                       '--------'
    
        AMY
    
    So, welcome back, and all that stuff. You're on K-Chat with me, Amy
    Sheckenhausen on Vice City's station for the stars, including me. And boys have
    I got a treat for you. Next up is a living legend. A man who won the World
    Series single-handed. Known to his fans as 'Death in Tight Pants' and known to
    his enemies as 'Oh my God, I just got flattened by a truck, how is that fair?'
    It's sports legend, BJ Smith. So BJ, welcome!
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    Thanks, it's a real pleasure to be here.
    
        AMY
    
    Oh, I know.
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    But one thing sweetheart. I never won the World Series, that's baseball. I play
    football.
    
        AMY
    
    Yes, but it's all the same isn't it?
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    Football and baseball aren't the same. In one of them you get bored during a
    five-hour game, you touch yourself a lot and start a massive brawl with players
    who are degenerates, egomaniacs and criminals. The other's football.
    
        AMY
    
    Yes, but it's all the same.
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    No Amy, it isn't. Anyone can hit a home run. In baseball you stand around a
    field dividing your salary by 162. Waiting for some action. Talk to a guy who
    just played an hour of football. He's been in the trenches getting Agent Orange
    sports drink poured all over his head to keep him from taking an innocent life.
    One of them's a game for men, the others a game for pansies who like wearing
    button-down shirts. They call baseball a national pastime? If that means making
    a million dollars by standing around all day? Count me out. I work for my
    money.
    
        AMY
    
    Yeah BJ, just like me I can tell you.
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    Yo baby, it's cool. I just wanted you to know what I did.
    
        AMY
    
    I do. Gees, get over yourself. You must have a testosterone imbalance like all
    those jocks who shower with other men. You can't tell me you don't look at
    other people's business.
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    Baby, I've played professional sports for fourteen years, including high school
    and I'm making a comeback. I'm a very competitive person I grant you, but I
    ain't got no testosterone imbalance. With that little moustache you busting out
    looks like you shouldn't be talking about some hormone problems girl.
    
        AMY
    
    Excuse me? What did you say?
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    Oh, oh nothing, damn baby, you so ugly you make look blind kids cry.
    
        AMY
    
    BJ you better stop being a bully just cos I'm not into the jock scene. I like
    sensitive guys you know like actors or rock stars or that kind of thing. Not
    some great big hulking giant that has to tell everyone how important he is.
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    Whoa, I didn't realise we were trying to impress each other here sweet thing. I
    was thinking we was here to discuss my new exercise video or talk about my
    possible comeback in professional football, not sitting here flirting with each
    other. I'm a married man, I'm on my seventh wife.
    
        AMY
    
    So you've got a big family. All those wives, that's fantastic.
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    Not really, you see I really like family, especially some show up you didn't
    know existed. I tell you, Father's Day, I'm scared to go to my mailbox. My big
    heart has caused me a lot of heartache but when you're in the public eye, you
    can't always tell what other people are about. BJ has met some real
    manipulative people
    
        AMY
    
    Seven wives, that's fantastic.
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    No, I have one wife, I had six before that.
    
        AMY
    
    So you downsized? Right?
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    Yeah, something like that. If you want to win in life you have to change
    players. You can't play on the same team all the time.
    
        AMY
    
    So, oh my god, isn't this getting intimate BJ, I feel like we are really
    connecting.
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    I'd like to connect with you. Other men might fumble but I go into the trenches
    like a doberman. That's actually part of my video
    
        AMY
    
    What are you talking about?
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    Well, as you know running a ball is like making romance. And one day when I was
    going for a touchdown, if you know what I 'm saying, I had a great idea. You
    see all these fitness videos on television? It's always that idiot fool in
    leotards prancing about giving it the skinny thing. And I say what is this? I
    mean what in the world is this? These people ain't fit. They ain't got a clue.
    When you're fit you know it. If you come into the locker room you know I is fit
    for football. Able to wrestle and pounce and hurt somebody an hour straight.
    That's what people needs, if someone comes and jack you ride, are you going to
    bust a aerobic move? Hell no, but when you know how to grab another man by the
    facemask and twist him around and so you tear his ligaments in his back and
    never play again. I mean that's some real useful everyday stuff. And I should
    know, I invented it.
    
        AMY
    
    You know, I just don't want to talk about football any more.
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    Well, take dating, or washing the car. What good is a leotard when you washing
    the car? Put a man in a helmet and a cup and he can wash a car any day in it.
    That's fighting fit for football. It really very simple program, the best way
    to get your body fit is to have total disregard for your body. Every now and
    then you wake up and come out of concussion saying damn, I look good.
    
        AMY
    
    BJ, you talk funny. We'll be back on K-Chat right after these messages.
    
     ,--------,                     ,-------------,                     ,--------,
    | [023000] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  Musty Pines  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [023000] |
     '--------'                     '-------------'                     '--------'
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Are you tired of your couches getting ruined?
    
        MAN
    
    Oh grandpa!
    
        GRANDPA
    
    I made tinkles again!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    If you've got old people cluttering up your home. Why not send them to Musty
    Pines? We'll help bring back dignity and we promise it will be the best three
    months of their lives. They'll enjoy bingo, complaining, mumbling incoherently,
    skinny-dipping and organ donation. And once a month it's our famous lucky dip
    medication switching night. Musty Pines is located at a luxurious location
    overlooking Vice City's state of the art sanitation facilities. You can still
    visit your old people, but now you have the comfort of knowing you don't have
    to. After they pass on to something better, guaranteed in three months or less,
    you can start enjoying their money. Finally, you can have quality family time
    again. Musty Pines, now you don't have to say goodbye. Drive thru service also
    available.
    
     ,--------,                  ,------------------,                   ,--------,
    | [023100] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  Knife After Dark  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [023100] |
     '--------'                  '------------------'                   '--------'
    
        SPEAKER
    
    He was just the boy next door.
    
        MAN
    
    Hi well hello there Danny, I didn't know it was hockey season.
    
        DANNY
    
    Hey can I borrow a knife?
    
        SPEAKER
    
    A deadly curse, a deranged killer, a small town in tears. Knife after Dark
    rated R for retarded.
    
     ,--------,                 ,---------------------,                 ,--------,
    | [023200] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  BJ Smith - Comeback  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [023200] |
     '--------'                 '---------------------'                 '--------'
    
        AMY
    
    Eugh, that's gross BJ, stop hitting on me. Hi, I'm Amy and you're on K-Chat. So
    what do you need to do for BJ's Fit for Football?
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    Well, Angela, anybody can do it. What you need is a real expensive gym, a team
    of trainers, medical practitioners, dieticians a baying crowd and an opponent
    who wants you dead, dead in the dirt. I mean a nasty blood sucking leech of a
    man who would destroy you if you don't destroy him first. A man you'd like to
    set animals on, he's the enemy, and you sit your foxhole until it's time just
    right and then you pounce baby, like a kitty Kat on catnip. I'll sack a man,
    pile drive him hard, again and again because the idiot comes my way I'll nail
    him every time.
    
        AMY
    
    This video sounds like a lot of fun.
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    Fun? Fun? You think it's fun when grown men cry in mortal agony when you're so
    scared of what you're going to do to a man you step outside yourself like an
    astral projection and the police go Kent state on ya and people cryin and
    bleedin and pouncing each other in the face, and that's just in the locker room
    before the game. That's your idea of fun?
    
        AMY
    
    Yeah, I, I, I guess.
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    Yeah, mine too, that's why I'm making a comeback. I've been retired two years
    and I'll tell ya selling cars or appearing in soft drink commercials is not
    fun, compared to having 50,000 low IQ morons in Green Bay, or Tampa or Liberty
    City or wherever. Screaming and howling they want you dead just because you're
    playing for the Mambas. That's actualising the soap.
    
        AMY
    
    Wow, that sounds interesting. Tell me about it.
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    I'm doing that, I've bin doing, hey, wait a minute. Are you reading a book over
    there during this interview?
    
        AMY
    
    No, no, I can hardly read, get on with it.
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    I'm trying to sweets, you best listen. The comeback is a real deal. BJ Smith's
    six-year Pro Bowl MVP the man responsible for more broken bones then anyone
    since people had legs. I'm a Fiddler Crab you can rip my arms off and I'll just
    moult and grow some new ones.
    
        AMY
    
    Where?
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    Right here, right now. Let's get it on!
    
        AMY
    
    Of course. I mean when?
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    Soon baby, real soon. But, and don't call it a comeback, like the songs say
    I'll whoop your ass. And this time I'm doing it my way. Ignorant fools they
    gave me nothing to work with. The owners I mean.
    
        AMY
    
    What owners are you talking about?
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    The owners of the team. They gave me nothing. They the reason my marriage
    failed. I worked my ass off all those years, sweating blood, and and puking my
    soul out and they treat me like a tractor. Roll me around treat me no better
    then a dog. The guys that got hurt, they never saw a penny out of those
    monsters.
    
        AMY
    
    That's just like Jade.
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    Who's Jade? She a fox?
    
        AMY
    
    My friend, she's a Goth. She got sacked for wearing makeup and an 'I hate
    Life' t-shirt to work and never saw a penny.
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    She like um, football or something?
    
        AMY
    
    She teaches Kindergarten, professionally.
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    You know, I know a lot of players who need to go back to school after they
    finished playing. It's a tough life and you lose something.
    
        AMY
    
    What did you lose?
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    Hope, diction, something, it's brutal out there,
    
        AMY
    
    That's just like Jade. Those kids are evil little brats.
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    Listen, are you going to talk about your freaky friends, who dress like a
    funeral? I thought we here to talk about BJ. BJ Smith. And I feel alive! I mean
    really alive! Ain't nothing more envigoring then holding a mans head in your
    hands and looking him in the eyes and saying I can kill ya in one second old
    man. And he says I've got a wife! And you say, give me all the money in your
    cash register.
    
        AMY
    
    What are you talking about? Uh! BJ, are those muscles real?
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    That's funny you should ask, because the answer is yes. They ain't implants or
    nutin.
    
        AMY
    
    Wow, you're enormous.
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    Nah, there's guys twice my size, but I'm quick, rich and angry, like a
    republican.
    
        AMY
    
    So, oh, um, I see. Look, I ain't got anything more to say to you. And I can't
    fall in love with another guest, or I'll get sacked. So, let's go to the
    phones! Who's on line one?
    
        CALLER
    
    Hey Amy, I'm a first time caller. How you doing? I love your show. Sorta. BJ
    man, you're awesome. Here's my question. How'dya play that game against San
    Andreas with two broken legs? Ah, I can't believe I'm talking to ya. Wow man, I
    don't know what to say. This is the greatest day of my life.
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    Well why the hell are ya calling in? Don't worry. I'm a professional. The
    method I used in the game against SA, is actually a part of my exercise video.
    When in doubt, go for the groin. I hope that answers your question. That's the
    problem with the public, fans. I get it all the time. Know what I'm saying?
    
        AMY
    
    Absolutely. I get that all the time. People say, 'huh, are you that girl off
    the television in that show?' and I say, no, I'm the girl from the radio, I
    just look like her. Anyway, BJ, that's all we have time for for now.
    
        BJ SMITH
    
    Thanks Amy, and um, look after that moustache.
    
        AMY
    
    Ok. Thank you. I'll be back on K-Chat after these messages from our sponsors.
    Don't go away.
    
     ,--------,                     ,------------,                      ,--------,
    | [023300] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  Degenatron  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [023300] |
     '--------'                     '------------'                      '--------'
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Are ya tired of dad?
    
        BOY
    
    Dad, no-one wants to hear your stupid Vietnam stories.
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Are ya tired of mom?
    
        MOM
    
    Hi angel, do ya want to read a book or go outside?
    
        BOY
    
    Nooo!
    
        BACKING
    
    Degenatron!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    The arcade comes to your living room, only without the creepy guys offering to
    show you puppies.
    
        KIDS
    
    Awesome.
    
        SPEAKER
    
    The degenatron, you can play video games just like you are in the Arcade.
    
        KIDS
    
    Excellent!
    
        BACKING
    
    Degenatron!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    The degenatron gaming system plays three exciting games including Defender of
    the Faith where you save the green dots with your fantastic flying red square.
    
        KIDS
    
    Cool!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Monkey's Paradise where you swing from green dot to green dot with your red
    square monkey.
    
        KIDS
    
    That's rad!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    And Penatrator where you smash the green dots deep inside the mysterious red
    square.
    
        KIDS
    
    Wow!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    The Degenatron brings arcade realism to your living room. It can even take
    quarters and a strange sweaty man comes by to empty the machine on Fridays.
    
        BACKING
    
    Degenatron!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Degenatron, fighting the evil of boredom.
    
        KIDS
    
    I'll never go to school again.
    
        BACKING
    
    Degenatron!
    
     ,--------,                       ,---------,                       ,--------,
    | [023400] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  Salivex  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [023400] |
     '--------'                       '---------'                       '--------'
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Do you have dry mouth?
    
        WOMAN
    
    I soor doo.
    
        SPEAKER
    
    It protects your teeth, fights infection and lubricates your food. But what
    happens when you run out of saliva?
    
        WOMAN
    
    Help me, I can't talk.
    
        SPEAKER
    
    For personal dryness upstairs, it's Salivex.
    
        WOMAN
    
    Wow, I can spit again!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Salivex is more then saliva in a can. Salivex improves consumption efficiency
    by 50%. No more half way cures like coating your throat with cooking oil to
    have that extra piece of cake, or bowl of kitty litter!
    
        WOMAN
    
    After a night out my tongue tasted like carpet, it was embarrassing. Now with
    Salivex I can eat a whole box or crackers, or lick my life partners...
    
        CENSOR
    
    Stamp-Collection
    
        WOMAN
    
    ...all night!
    
        MAN
    
    It's like having a Salivation Army in my mouth! Now I can suck a...
    
        CENSOR
    
    Lollipop
    
        MAN
    
    ...for as long as I want!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Salivex tastes like your own saliva. That's because at Salivex's state of the
    art production facilities, we use salivation philanthropists who make Salivex
    all day. Salivex, when it comes to personal dryness upstairs, we're deadly
    serious!
    
     ,--------,                   ,----------------,                    ,--------,
    | [023500] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  Claude Maginot  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [023500] |
     '--------'                   '----------------'                    '--------'
    
        AMY
    
    Welcome back to K-Chat, my next guest is the star of the hit show, 'Just the
    Five of Us', where he appears as the rich father of a family of misfits. But
    more recently he's been working on a controversial theatre piece 'In the Future
    there will be Robots'. Claude Maginot. Welcome to the show!
    
        CLAUDE
    
    Thanks Amy, however, you have mispronounced my name. It's Madge, which rhymes
    with badge. Uh as in duh and no as in more then you. Maginot. Anyway thank you
    for having me on your show. It's always a pleasure to discuss my art.
    
        AMY
    
    Yes, you're so funny! Now Claude, you're an interesting man, if you don't mind
    me saying so myself, because on the one hand you're on the funniest show in the
    whole wide world, Just the Five of Us, and on the other you do those weird
    theatre dance shows which aren't funny.
    
        CLAUDE
    
    Yes, thank you technical school dropout, I'm sure sitting here talking all day
    is terribly difficult. Juilliard is not. In the Future There Will be Robots is
    not a funny piece. It deals with the most important issues in the world today,
    love, pain, suffering, skin tight pants and well stretched groin muscles. But
    see music has no name Amy, it's about depth and texture and the sense of
    community that emerges from the struggle going on within all of us. Between man
    and machine, between the angel and the beast. It's as if Petrushka and Leonard
    Bernstein were in a ferocious dance competition with switch blades. That is
    passion my dear.
    
        AMY
    
    Um, ok, so it's a bit like Just the Five of Us, what a show! I love Jimmy, he's
    so cute, even though he looks so young.
    
        CLAUDE
    
    I'd rather not talk about my complications working with, him. I'm a performer,
    I express myself anyway I can. While I'd never attempt to describe Just the
    Five of Us as anything other then worshipless pap I need to support my serious
    art. It's like stealing a boom box to do live interpretive dance. If I bring
    joy to people's hearts doing an interpretation of a tree in a park, who is
    harmed? There is a value I derive from art, as a man, as a creator, and that is
    this:  Never overestimate the dreadfulness of the mass market, the degrading
    excess of the culture or the horrors that we all have within it.
    
        AMY
    
    Great, yeah, um, me too. But, as Mr Chesterfield you're so funny! What is it
    you say? Not in my house. Hah, ha ha! That gets me every time. Especially after
    the drunken tramp you adopted has wet himself. Oh say it for me, please!
    
        CLAUDE
    
    As they say in France, matrise.
    
        AMY
    
    Please!
    
        CLAUDE
    
    Not in my house. Please, I came on your fine show to discuss art not people
    that whore themselves out on the alter of commercial success dancing like a
    puppet alongside a genetic freak. Although I do that too.
    
        AMY
    
    Ok, moody. So what do you want to talk about?
    
        CLAUDE
    
    Oh, I don't know, my performance at the Hollywood bowl perhaps. there are some
    that attend the concert inside. I am the concert outside myself. In the parking
    lot where we build bonfires and dance it comes back to the seriousness of my
    purpose. At a young age, I held puppet shows on the corner that had people
    weeping and lying down in the streets. It's about movement, about encouraging
    ordinary working class people that there is something enervating about a modern
    dance performance. That seeing In the Future There Will be Robots will change
    your life, no matter what your life's like now.
    
        AMY
    
    So, it's kind like getting a new haircut?
    
        CLAUDE
    
    Yes, exactly. No! Nothing like a new haircut you halfwit! This is movement!
    Watch my hand, yes movement! There's a manatee on stage see he cannot hear from
    the wall of Wagner around him. We have lasers that shoot him down, cut him
    free, free his soul from the bondage of the past. And then on stage, we have
    snow that falls and represents love in all its forms. The robot makes a snow
    angel and we begin to cry. Close curtain.
    
        AMY
    
    Um, ok. Well, I love 'Just the Five of Us'!
    
        CLAUDE
    
    Please, please, please, enough! Five succeeds while Robots starve. Attendance
    has been poor. If I were opening this with the orchestra philharmonic de halap
    in Mexico, there would be riots in the streets with small children giving me
    flowers and weeping. Here in Vice City they wouldn't know art unless it came as
    a tube of beef jerkey. They told me, Claude, it can't be done. Vice City is for
    sun worshipers and philistines. And I told them no, I told them, if I'm
    directing a work of commercial dross down there. I must save my soul with some
    serious art. But to be honest Amy, they were right. I feel ahead of my time.
    The best artists are ignored. I mean, surely, any right minded person would
    rather spend an evening watching me express the meaning of space. As they move
    delicately across the stage in the dance of desire and denigration. Than
    flopping around in a disco or a nightclub or sucking the electric teat of
    television.
    
        AMY
    
    I know I would!
    
        CLAUDE
    
    God! I mean, what is wrong with you people?
    
        AMY
    
    God my hair!
    
        CLAUDE
    
    What?
    
        AMY
    
    My hair, is all wrong, it clashes with my dress.
    
        CLAUDE
    
    Zeus, Cicero, Shakespeare, Floberce, someone please save me from this hell
    hole. my dear, you are so ignorant, I'm trying to save you, to save everyone.
    You don't see the art around you. Are you in search of Auld Lang Synes, singing
    Madame Butterfly on a window sill or relegating yourself to a cricket in
    Huckleberry Finn. I'm a movement that conquers love while you complain about
    your dress. Know you not how important my mission be?
    
        AMY
    
    Right, cool, okay Mr Chesterfield. I mean, huh, Mr Maginot. You've gotta hang
    in there. You're on K-Chat and I'll be right back.
    
     ,--------,                   ,-----------------,                   ,--------,
    | [023600] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  D'Leo and Furax  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [023600] |
     '--------'                   '-----------------'                   '--------'
    
        SPEAKER
    
    At the law firm of D'Leo and Furax we understand that sometimes life throws you
    a curveball. We help our blue-chip clients get their lives back, after
    circumstances have conspired against them. Just listen:
    
        MAN 1
    
    It was an unfortunate accident what happened to my wife on that precarious
    cliff. D'Leo and Furax can't bring my wife back, but they made sure I didn't
    end up in the slammer.
    
        MAN 2
    
    I was unfortunate enough to be found with 15 kilos in my spare tyre. I was so
    mad at the auto repair shop that sold me that tyre, thanks to D'Leo and Furax
    the district attorney saw it that way too.
    
        WOMAN
    
    I, I accidentally torched a Quick'E'Mart when my medication ran out. Hum, hum.
    D'Leo and Furax helped me and the community by insuring a healthy settlement
    from the Pharmaceutical company.
    
        SPEAKER
    
    At D'Leo and Furax we understand the juditional system and will insure the
    truth is heard, no matter how improbable. We're not cheap, but what price can
    you put on truth? Call D'Leo and Furax today at 8-669-742333, that's 8-669-
    SHADEE. D'Leo and Furax, accidents happen, and we'll prove it!
    
     ,--------,                     ,-------------,                     ,--------,
    | [023700] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  Ammu-Nation  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [023700] |
     '--------'                     '-------------'                     '--------'
    
        SPEAKER
    
    The store leading the fight against communism is having a blow out sale! Ammu-
    Nation has a wide array of peacemakers! Come by Ammu-Nation on Militia Mondays,
    exercise your second Amendment right and get 10% off all armor piercing
    bullets. We're the only gun store that lets you try it before you buy it! Need
    anti-tank missile? We've got'em! Flamethrowers? Oh yeah! No credit? no problem!
    No money down, 90 days, same as cash. Shoot now, pay later! You're in the 10
    minute waiting period fire off a few rounds at the Ammu-Nation gun range,
    featuring faces of famous commie paint coats! Come by Ammu-Nation and register
    to win an anti-aircraft gun actually used when we whooped Australia's ass! This
    weekend is the Ammu-Nation Film Festival with free screening of the documentary
    Red Dawn! Ammu-Nation, protecting your rights!
    
     ,--------,               ,-------------------------,               ,--------,
    | [023800] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  Claude Maginot - Phones  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [023800] |
     '--------'               '-------------------------'               '--------'
    
        AMY
    
    You're back on K-Chat with me, Amy, and my special guest. Let's go to the
    phones!
    
        BRUCE
    
    Mr Maginot, Bruce from Prawn Island here. Big fan of the show Mr Maginot. Big
    fan. Dude, I dunno about this the robot thing it's weird. Quickly, is he really
    42? Does he shop in the kids isle does he get on rollercoaster rides I mean,
    what's the deal. Does he pay half price at the movies?
    
        CLAUDE
    
    No comment, next caller.
    
        AMY
    
    Oh my god, trauma. I meant that, that's my line. I'm supposed to say... oh god
    this guy is such a dick. Urgh, next caller. Oh, who's on the line? I mean,
    who's on line 1? Urgh, What number is it? Who's on the line?
    
        MORGAN
    
    Hello Claude, this is Morgan. I'm just vacationing down here having finished my
    doctoral thesis into images of young boys in post lapsarian Greece an erotic
    understatement in the few and contemporary baroque. Fascinating stuff. Mmmm.
    
        AMY
    
    Do you have a question? I'm confused.
    
        MORGAN
    
    No, woman, I just wanted to tell Claude about my thesis and discuss his bleaker
    death in Venice streets period. Of course I have a question you silly girl.
    Claude, I saw Robots. Big fan and that's praise indeed coming from me. I
    normally hate anything humanity has achieved since 1836, but one thing
    fascinated me. Claude, about the show, the pants, they were so tight, so
    fitted. How do you get such a marvellous close sequined figure hugging fit and
    still. Hmm? Oh, and were the sequins a reference to lasers?
    
        CLAUDE
    
    Yes, yes, my, my, I agree. Thanks for calling. That is an important question.
    You see, I'm an important person, and I especially think so. It is really
    important for people to see my form move through space in very tight pants. Or
    the effect is ruined. Interpretive dance cannot be expressed in baggy clothing.
    It's like a violin parade otherwise, why have a love story with a manatee and
    the lasers? It's very important.
    
        AMY
    
    You're kind of creepy. You're nothing like you are on the show, you're so funny
    there, joking with the family, and putting out the fires started by the
    homeless guy, and starting group hugs. But in real life you're just plain
    creepy. You won't even tell us how old Jimmy is. All you talk about is Artsy
    stuff like that nobody understands because it's complicated, and how tight your
    pants are.
    
        CLAUDE
    
    That's not true. I also discussed love and passion and a manatee and the
    lasers. You my dear could use all three. You my dear are a philistine. I'm
    sorry, but this is one of the most degrading, debasing, horrific, unedifying,
    opportunistic things I have ever done in my life since that whole Rake's
    Progress lawnmower commercial. I feel dirty, like I've just sat in something.
    
        AMY
    
    You did, our last guest was taken violently ill.
    
        CLAUDE
    
    Yes well, such is the plight of radio. Rather then grumble like Leporello, or a
    Taxi driver about my duties cleaning the back seat. I shall bid you adieu.
    
        AMY
    
    Okay, thanks Claude. Next we have a very important guest who doesn't dance like
    a weird jerk. We'll be back right after this. You're on K-Chat!
    
     ,--------,                  ,------------------,                   ,--------,
    | [023900] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  Maibatsu Thunder  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [023900] |
     '--------'                  '------------------'                   '--------'
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Knights of the road, here's your stallion. The car for freedom.
    
        BACKING
    
    Freedom!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    The car for hot excitement.
    
        BACKING
    
    Excitement!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    The car for a man who is alone against the elements.
    
        BACKING
    
    The Maibatsu Thunder
    
        SPEAKER
    
    The pride is back. It's the power of a compact.
    
        BACKING
    
    Looks small but it's so big.
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Fuel injected.
    
        BACKING
    
    Inject me!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Maibatsu Thunder. On the toll road of life you have to pay to prove you can.
    Live the emotion of an individual.
    
        BACKING
    
    Thunder!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    The awesome power of nature distilled into one vehicle.
    
        BACKING
    
    Wow!
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Because after you get struck by lightning, there's thunder!
    
        BACKING
    
    The Maibatsu Thunder!
    
     ,--------,                  ,-------------------,                  ,--------,
    | [024000] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  Advice about Reds  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [024000] |
     '--------'                  '-------------------'                  '--------'
    
        KID
    
    *Laughs like a small baby*
    
        MOM
    
    What's this I found under your bed? The only Engle's you're going to read is
    Laura Engle's Wilder.
    
        SPEAKER
    
    If you think your child might be a Red, here are some warning signs. They read
    compicated literature and have concern for their fellow man. They even like to
    share. Tell your kids, if someone approachs them with pamphlets about
    recycling, an invitation to a Labour rally, or showing any doubts about the
    fairness of our system. Then they should find a teacher or a policeman
    immediately.
    
     ,--------,               ,-------------------------,               ,--------,
    | [024100] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  Pastor Richard's Statue  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [024100] |
     '--------'               '-------------------------'               '--------'
    
        PASTOR RICHARDS
    
    Do yourself a favour, take both hands off the wheel and touch the stereo, do
    you feel the power? Ah yes friend, there's a lot of evil in the world, but
    there is also light. And I have been sent to shine a light on all degenerates,
    philanderderers, Liberals and other evil doers and expose them for what they
    really are. Don't waste your money on unnessacery and corrupting material
    possesions, give it to me. There's only one thing that will save you. A highly
    fortified structure in the shape of the most powerful thing on the planet, me.
    Degenerates will ruin this great city. In my wonderful book I tell of the
    impending disaster about to befall this planet, nuclear holocaust, plagues of
    flying rodents, the seas rising up and turning yellow. It is coming, it is
    written by me but you can save yourself. Contribute to the Pastor Richards
    Salvation Statue Fund, pick up your telephone, call now, 1-866-9SAVEME.
    
     ,--------,                        ,------,                         ,--------,
    | [024200] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  Thor  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| [024200] |
     '--------'                        '------'                         '--------'
    
        AMY
    
    Hi! And welcome back. If you're just joining us, you're listening to K-Chat,
    Vice City's only commercial talk station. The place where the stars shine in
    conversation with you and me. I'm Amy Sheckenhausen my next guest is a rising
    star in the world of Norse Mythology. He's appeared in several best selling
    Informercials and travels the globe speaking at corporate training camps. His
    books and audio cassettes are sold around the world. He's Valhalla's finest
    diety and motivational speaker, Thor.
    
        THOR
    
    Hi! Hello Amy, I'm happy to be here, it's been a long journey.
    
        AMY
    
    Uh, yeah. Now I don't know much about you, I mean I read Beowulf, well, I
    didn't but I read the cover. But like, you're a Viking right?
    
        THOR
    
    Did the tunic and goatskin boots give you a clue maybe? I am a Viking. And a
    Viking that will not only help you unleash the fury's but unleash yourself.
    It's in my Thor's Norse Power Program.
    
        AMY
    
    Okay, I'm a little confused. Well, I'm a lot confused. I was taught in school
    that Vikings were bloodthirsty and violent!
    
        THOR
    
    An elder once told me, you must unlearn what you have learnt. Of course then he
    died of the green plague. There are some Vikings that are a bloodthirsty lot
    yes. But no more then anyone else, really. We're a nomadic people Amy, we have
    cold fire in our soles. Ye have that fire too Amy, you've just lost it since
    you got in television. Now, that being said, I'll answer your question. We're
    mostly non-violent, though many of the Vikings travelled to Scotland. And
    mind'ya, anyone who goes there will turn bloodthirsty, you can't understand
    what the lot are saying. It's all afore, reckle, aboot, dinnea, it's enough to
    make you want to burn a village to the ground. That's why in my cassette
    series, I talk about the importance of communication. You see Amy, men and
    women live in different worlds. We use different words. A group of men talk
    about what they've killed, how to start a fire, who has the best longboat.
    Women want to talk about keeping the communal longhouse tidy and their
    feelings. When I'm raiding a village I don't need to be talking about feelings,
    it's time for action!
    
        AMY
    
    Great! So is that all there is to being a Viking? Pillaging?
    
        THOR
    
    No, lass, no, pillaging and battle are important but we admire poetry as well,
    as long as it's poems about whacking someone in with a doublehanded battle axe.
    What's holding you back Amy? In Chapter 3 of my book I talk about listening to
    the blood thirsty water spirit. It's really quite important if you want to
    enter Valhalla.
    
        AMY
    
    I think I went there last night! Uh, no, umm that was Malibu but it's the same
    sort of thing. Valhalla was that goth club wasn't it? So 1983. But right, what
    does being a Viking have to do with anything? This is the 20th century. We have
    elecricity, penicillin, jet planes, implants, well, I don't, but I want some,
    but I heard the operation is really gross. You live like it's 982AD or
    something.
    
        THOR
    
    Mind ye toungue wench, lest I cut it out. Deep down all of you listening to me
    say Thor, yes, I'd like to unleash the Viking within. Maybe you go camping once
    a year or hunting, and wonder why it feels so natural. That's because it is,
    too much of you denying your instincts. Men shaving you know deep down in the
    pit of your sole you wish you could crouch in the grass with flies biting your
    face afraid to move for fear of alerting the beasts. Covering yourself with Yak
    urine to thwart your smell, then a beast draws close, you pounce, bringing your
    battleaxe on its skull! Man and animal at that moment, one and the same in a
    terrible beauty. Then you drag the carcase back to camp and celebrate by eating
    its heart! Some people they only do this once in their lifetime, I do this
    everyday. And so can you, all it takes is some positive thinking. Just attend
    my Unleash the Norse Within weekend. When you are finished you will say, I am a
    God! Nobody can stop me! I crush my enemies and dance on their funeral pyres.
    This is very helpful for living in suburbia Amy, and I should know.
    
        AMY
    
    I really don't understand how.
    
        THOR
    
    Oh, it's very helpful. Maybe a neighbor is tossing his leaf clippings on your
    lawn, or looking at your woman, or harboring desires regarding your longboat.
    You enslave his children, set his house on fire. He shall not bother you again.
    
        AMY
    
    Huh, it must be nice to have you as a neighbor, not.
    
        THOR
    
    I live in no place longer then needed to fulfil my goals, taking slaves,
    valuables and food. Goal setting is very important Amy, not just in football.
    
        AMY
    
    You're very weird and creeping me out a bit. But whatever, no weirder then
    anything else. So what do you think of Vice City?
    
        THOR
    
    Ah, I like it very much. Your women here are prepared for battle. They are
    large, not like those scrawny things to the north. A woman who eats well
    provides for her man. You cannot set sail for robbing and pillaging on an empty
    stomach. It's like the story of the Parson's Wife and the Troll.
    
        AMY
    
    I don't think I've ever heard of that one.
    
        THOR
    
    Great Carloson. Ye mainlanders have no historical perspective. Read the runes!
    It's all right there. Talk to a grandparent. But no, ye cast people out like
    rubbish. Wisdom is not to be treated so lightly. When my father grew old, I sat
    with him day and night absorbing his wisdom. Learning about the demons and
    where the wickedness resides in men's hearts. And as his time grew near, I
    built a large pyre, burnt him and his wife while communing with Odin's spirit.
    
        AMY
    
    Careful. Musty Pines is a sponsor of this show. Uh, grody. What are you doing?
    
        THOR
    
    I'm just adjusting myself she devil. Wearing these animals hides does get a bit
    itchy.
    
        AMY
    
    Um, okay You never answered my question. What do you think of Vice City?
    
        THOR
    
    Your land and people have a lot in commomn with mine. You see, we too fled our
    homes due to lack of food, over population and the bitter cold, and mind ye
    starting out to raid passing ships is fine. But we needed a new land to have
    our way with. Granted we rode and sailed to an area, land and forest and burned
    down a local monastry or village. Whereas you come in, destroy all the
    creatures and sell plastic versions of them. You did a fine job pillaging these
    lands. But you should have something about Canada.
    
        AMY
    
    Wait a minute there buster, my mother's half canadian.
    
        THOR
    
    Oh, what are you going to do wench? Sweep the ice furiously at me? Hah!
    Socialise medicine? Nah, you did it all wrong. You should have continued to the
    north and finished things off. I talk about this in me motivational learning
    tapes. That and beware the magpie. Tis the devil. Evil raineth when darkness
    falls.
    
        AMY
    
    Are you married, you seem like a tough character to live with.
    
        THOR
    
    Aye, my wife Helga. What a hag.
    
        AMY
    
    This show is not sexist. Whatever certain bearded women might say. Women are
    people too. I'd appreciate if you wouldn't talk that way.
    
        THOR
    
    Ah! Go live in a chimney ye troll! You 20th centry women are all the same. And
    me hag Helga, she fell prey to your uppity ways. She says to me, Thor I ain't
    having no mead no more, I'm going to meetings. See, that's ye problem. As soon
    as you sort something out, you have to go preaching from the rooftops to
    everyone else, how to live, not pillage nor plunder no more, but live in boxes.
    Then she says, Thor, I'm getting me stomach stapled I look fat. I now fat as
    two yak skins when previously it was only one. I said, wench! Dont' come crying
    to me when we're in a longboat crossing the straights for two moons and you're
    all skin and bones. A man needs something to grab onto. Aye, ain't her fault. A
    cursed pixie goblin got her.
    
        AMY
    
    Pixie Goblin? What kind of weird ancient nonsense are you talking about? Now,
    Thor, I've got to ask you, how old are you?
    
        THOR
    
    I'm as old as the fjords and as a young as a new born lamb.
    
        AMY
    
    Are you shy about your age? Just lie about it like my mom.
    
        THOR
    
    Thor is never shy! Thor is mighty, Thor is a god!
    
        AMY
    
    And where are you from?
    
        THOR
    
    From the beggining of the flat earth where the sun meets the sky.
    
        AMY
    
    Oh right, by the beach, great. Let's take a commercial break, we'll be right
    back with Thor! he's a real Viking! Yeah right whatever.
    
     ,--------,                    ,---------------,                    ,--------,
    | [024300] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  Medallion Man  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [024300] |
     '--------'                    '---------------'                    '--------'
    
        FERNANDO MARTINEZ
    
    Hello, I am Fernando Martinez, I think by now you know I am an emotional kind
    of guy. People stop me in the street and say, Fernando what the hell is wrong
    with me? Silk-shirt, hairy chest, enough aftershave to drown a household pet,
    but I still cannot get a woman. And I tell them, you are an ignorant fool.
    Without the symbol of power and fertility around your neck, what kind of woman
    is going to respect you? That's why I've teamed up with Medallion Man, the shop
    for medallion needs. Medalion Man caters to all levels of masculinity, for the
    strong silent type a medallion the size of a hub cap will say everything that
    needs to be said. Even singing medallions for the Casanova who knows music is
    the food of love. My old drains, thal houses, dipers, whatever your interest,
    we've got the medallion for you. Don't forget, every woman knows, if you can't
    support a medallion, you can't support a family.
    
     ,--------,                    ,---------------,                    ,--------,
    | [024400] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  Synth and Son  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [024400] |
     '--------'                    '---------------'                    '--------'
    
        SPEAKER
    
    We have some sad news for you.. Rock & Roll is dead, and pop is in! Why not
    discover the excitement of the science of music yourself, at Synth & Son - the
    home of keyboards! Thanks to the science of music, you don't need musical
    talent to make great music. Just listen... I created that, just by pressing a
    button. Synthesizers are the new way! Why work hard on difficult compositions,
    when a machine can make music better than you've ever dreamed of? You'll be the
    hit of the party! It's perfect for in restaurant entertainment, cover bands,
    and funerals. Make fuse funky, and death marches danceable! It's the science of
    music at Synth & Son. Remember - you don't know you're a musician, until you
    try!
    
     ,--------,                    ,---------------,                    ,--------,
    | [024500] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  Thor - Phones  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [024500] |
     '--------'                    '---------------'                    '--------'
    
        AMY
    
    We're back on K-Chat, with me, Amy, and my guest is Thor. Viking Warrior and
    elf help guru. Do you have a last name? Oh, whatever. Anyway, what were we
    talking about?
    
        THOR
    
    We were talking about the wisdom of the ancients. There are many hurdles in
    life Amy, I remember one of the first bits of fanmail I got. It came by bottle
    in the sea. A man of lolard island said, a tiny woman came to our farm and
    swept in front of our door, a woodland troll has carried off my woman in the
    dead of night. Give me wisdom Thor!
    
        AMY
    
    So, what did you tell him?
    
        THOR
    
    Aye Amy, it was obvious the black plague had visited his home. As sure as you
    can't be a midwife to a fairy, expect wisdom from a fool, or find a good meal
    Downtown on a Saturday night.
    
        AMY
    
    Ok, I don't um I really have nothing to ask you. Because I really don't think
    we're bonding quite right here. I'm more then a little confused. Let's go to
    the phones! You're on K-Chat with Thor!
    
        JAY
    
    Yes hello Thor, my names Jay. I'm a huge fan man. Your book really helped me
    get through puberty. Everyone else was into vampires and stuff. I'd just got
    into the Viking thing it's pretty cool. It's been working pretty well for me.
    Anyway, my girlfriend and I, we fight all the time. She's always calling to
    check up on me. It really totally sucks, it's a drag. Like I hang out at the
    stripmall with all my boys, and she shows up. Is there any advice you can give
    me?
    
        THOR
    
    Ah yes. There was s man that asked for a nights lodging at a certain farm on
    the eve of Maunday Thursday, or maybe it was fat Tuesday. Anyway in the course
    of the night the old woman of the house took that out a horn of salve and
    smeared herself with it from head to toe. She then climbed on top of the stove,
    sat astride a sweeping broom and began to...
    
        AMY
    
    Uh, hello, excuse me. What the hell are you talking about?
    
        THOR
    
    Reading from the Runes wench!
    
        AMY
    
    What kind of rune is that?
    
        THOR
    
    Aye, it's a man's rune and not appropraite for the warrior under 18 years old.
    But there's a moral at the end. Are you still there fair Jay?
    
        JAY
    
    Ah yeah. I'm still here.
    
        THOR
    
    Do you love this woman?
    
        JAY
    
    Yeah, I, uh think so. She's really special. Specially in the backseat if you
    know what I mean Thor.
    
        THOR
    
    Then behead her! And parade thy love around on a stick for the world to admire.
    
        JAY
    
    Wow, cool, thanks Thor!
    
        AMY
    
    OK I'd like to throw you out but you've got an enormous sword and uh, arh,
    yeah. Let's take another call. But first listeners, Vice City, remember don't
    behead your girlfriend and take her head around on a stick. Hello, you're on K-
    Chat with Thor!
    
        TJAY
    
    Hey brother. My name is TJay. Your book is fresh. Real fresh. Like it's been a
    real inspiration and all that. it's most definately on me and my crew's vibe.
    And that Loki brother, he as slick as Salivex. You know what I mean trooper? In
    fact, me and my boys have started a Thor fanclub. You know what I'm rapping?
    We're on your vibe man.
    
        THOR
    
    Aye, a Thor fanclub. This pleases Thor very much. I shall speak of myself in
    the 3rd person from now on.
    
        TJAY
    
    Uh, uh, yeah I wasn't really into school all that much. But I hear you Thor. So
    so anyway, we have this fanclub right, and instead of naming it something like
    The Vice Lords of Valhalla we gave it like a, a modern name, keeping things
    firmly in the '80s you know. The Bloods. Ain't that off the wall man? We follow
    your teachings to the letter sir. Especially how you go around smiting fools
    with that wild mad hammer of yours. And getting people to know exactly what
    time it is. You hear?
    
        THOR
    
    Have you a magic hammer?
    
        TJAY
    
    Nah T, we don't have any Odin types round here to strap us with superfly
    hardware like yours. But we do have Mac 10s, Tec 9's, Tray 8's StreetSweepers
    and all that. Are you still on my vibe brother?
    
        THOR
    
    Aye, I like the sound of this. Me thinks I want to join your group. Do you
    pillage proper?
    
        TJAY
    
    Hell yeah, we do it like a viking. You ought to come party with us. We'll even
    make you a honouray Blood. Word.
    
        THOR
    
    Ah, indiscriminant pillaging. This is, as we say, the school of old. When I am
    done with the wench, we shall meet. Till then beware the Frost Giant, TJay and
    the serpent with two tounges.
    
        TJAY
    
    Uh, yeah, ok whatever, yo brother! Where did you land that funky fresh silver
    helmet of yours? Those wings on the side are wicked money!
    
        AMY
    
    Stop calling me a wench!
    
        THOR
    
    I have much to teach you wench Amy. Only if you would listen. For many
    centuries people have asked questions. Why has my fatted calf gone after the
    gypsy woman appeared? Are there trolls living in my chimney? Aye sure, I could
    tell ye the story of twelve children on the platter or the midsummers snow. And
    the spirit hatched from the cock's egg. But in the end Amy, you need a spirit
    journey. A wandering spirit demands a wandering body. Take a longboat. Pack
    only what you can carry. Head toward the moon at high tide.
    
        AMY
    
    Ok thanks for the advice. And with that revelation, I'm going to have to change
    topics. That was Thor viking warrior. Coming up next, we have another guest.
    We'll be back, right after this.
    
     ,--------,              ,---------------------------,              ,--------,
    | [024600] |~-~-~-~-~-~-|  Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts  |~-~-~-~-~-~-| [024600] |
     '--------'              '---------------------------'              '--------'
    
        SPEAKER
    
    How do you like to enjoy a Rusty Brown's Ring Donut?
    
        MAN
    
    I like to lick lovingly around the outside and then thrust my tounge in the
    middle.
    
        WOMAN
    
    I like to munch it vigourously.
    
        MAN
    
    I just love the batter, all over my face.
    
        MAN
    
    On Friday nights I just can't stop eating Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts.
    
        WOMAN
    
    Oh my god! It's so good.
    
        MAN
    
    Sometimes I like to wear women's panties and walk around 5th Street.
    
        SPEAKER
    
    When you go Downtown, make sure you enjoy Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts.
    
     ,--------,              ,---------------------------,              ,--------,
    | [024700] |~-~-~-~-~-~-|  Think Your Way to Success  |~-~-~-~-~-~-| [024700] |
     '--------'              '---------------------------'              '--------'
    
        JEREMY
    
    Hi, I'm Jeremy Rowbard. Entrepreneur, VIP and founder of the revolutionary
    program Think Your Way to success. It's a three step program that's been
    changing lives, and my income, for the last two years. Five years ago, I was a
    nobody just like you. After my Think Your Way to success program I spend the
    entire weekend in my jacuzzi. Or engaging in the exciting sport of domino
    toppling. Hey, if you can think it you can do it. One of my award winning
    courses is sure to be perfect for you. The first course I call, Think, Hold
    that Thought, Complete because that's what you do. Step two is known as Learn,
    Start doing, where I explain the mysteries of starting. Or take the new
    excelerated course that'll have you laughing and hugging strangers. Motivate,
    Demonstrate, then motivate again. Just listen to these endorsements. And
    remember, these people volunteered. They aren't being paid much.
    
        MAN
    
    I've been on the Think, Hold That Thought, Complete program and I have to say,
    I'm finally gonna start my career in being a well paid rich person.
    
        MAN
    
    Yeah, I've been thinking my way to success for a while now. It's some good
    stuff.
    
        JEREMY
    
    Call now and sign up for my Think Your Way to Success program, and if you want
    to think really fast, try my Crank It Out program. Call 1-866-434SELF. Hey,
    don't just do it. Think about it.
    
     ,--------,                  ,-------------------,                  ,--------,
    | [024800] |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  Complete the Look  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| [024800] |
     '--------'                  '-------------------'                  '--------'
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Sweaty leather tracksuit? Absurdly fat day glow laces? Something missing?
    
        BACKING
    
    Complete the look.
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Complete the look, with a replica car sign insignia on a chunky gold plate
    chain. At Vice City's one stop shop for people who know how to put the hip into
    hip-hop.
    
        BACKING
    
    Wow, you look fresh.
    
        SPEAKER
    
    Complete the look.
    
    
    
    And that's all 1 hour 43 minutes and 55 seconds of the K-Chat radio station
    all written out for you. It'll just loop back around to the start now.
    
    ,-----------------------------------------------------------------------------,
    |~-[030000]~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-LINKS TO THE PAST~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-[030000]-~|
    '-----------------------------------------------------------------------------'
    
    Thanks to Forelli_boy I have started this brand new section with links from
    past GTA games.
    
    The first two are thanks to Forelli_boy:
        Freddy was that "nanny" guy from Chatterbox in GTA3.
        Mr. Zoo is known as Johnny Zoo in GTA2 who was a Yakuza boss!
    
    And here's some more:
        Maibatsu Thunder is a younger version of the Maibatsu Monstrosity
        Rednecks were a gang in GTA2
        The Zaibatsu have a very similar name to the Maibatsu Thunder (probably)
        In the Ammu-Nation commercial they mention a war with Australia which is
    also mentioned in GTA3's Chatterbox
        The Morgan caller to Claude Maginot is the host of Double Cleff FM in GTA3
    
    And here's a link to the future:
        During his interview, a caller mentions BJ Smith playing against San
    Andreas. This is a mention to the next game in the series which is called San
    Andreas and is a whole state rather than a single city as has been in GTA3 and
    Vice City.
    
    ,-----------------------------------------------------------------------------,
    |~-[040000]~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~VERSION HISTORY~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~[040000]-~|
    '-----------------------------------------------------------------------------'
    
    v4.0 - 25th of June 2009
    Rechecked the entire script, fixed a lot and reformatted.
    
    v3.02 - 17th of May 2009
    Minor corrections.
    
    v3.01 - 12th of November 2004
    Just a few errors fixed and the version history moved.
    
    v3.0 - 7th of June 2004
    OK, in the first update in over a year, I have reordered the script so that it
    reads like the file on the disk thereby starting with Jez Torrent rather than
    Mr Zoo as was previously. I have also gone through the whole script again and
    corrected hundreds of tiny errors in order to make the script readable to
    everyone. There is most likely still many small mistakes in the script but
    unless I really can be bothered to go through the entire station yet again,
    this will be the final ever update of the script. I also have written out an
    ASCII picture which is now located at the top of the guide, it's the K-Chat
    logo if you couldn't tell. Oh, and I have also made it easier to find the exact
    bit of the script you want to find as I have improved the contents list.
    
    v2.3 - 8th of March 2003
    Again some more mistakes have been corrected to help you with your viewing. I
    think that this could be one of the last updates (I mean it this time!)
    
    v2.2 - 22nd of February 2003
    Just a few mistakes have been corrected really.
    
    v2.1 - 29th of December 2002
    A few mistakes corrected and after realising that I had the whole thing written
    out twice, I have removed the copied bit to make the file more readable. Very
    sorry if it confused you.
    
    v2.0 - 19th of December 2002
    Ahh, complete and utter stisfaction. I have finally completed the K-Chat
    script! I thought that it would have taken longer but the parts seemed to go
    by faster then ever before. Anyway, this might be the last update unless there
    are enough corrections to require a new edition. Thanks for reading and
    goodnight. I will still take all corrections and stuff so keep sending them in!
    
    v1.4 - 15th of December 2002
    Finally got back into the swing of things with this script after taking a few
    days off with my new Walkthrough on GameFAQs (was already on IGN) to add some
    stuff to that. Anyway, with this one then. Finished off Thor (I hate him!) and
    all the ads till Michelle Carapadis. Done some of her talking (not much as yet)
    as soon as both her sections are complete (and the ads in between and after)
    the script will be mostly complete (except for errors of course) so Merry
    Christmas again! (10 Days to go!) (and 6 sections to go!) (plus I slightly
    redid the ASCII thing again but not much)
    
    v1.3 - 10th of December 2002
    Well, large update today, added the whole (still a few corrections to do but
    it's mostly done) Jez Torrent script given to me by Psy and is the biggest
    contribution by anyone! Thanks! I have also now completed the Claude Maginot
    section and have started with the Thor bit, but that may take a while as I have
    got quite a bit to do for it. So all the way to section ac are done. Today I
    have scripted over 20 minutes of the show and I expect to do more by tomorrow.
    Just 12 sections left to do (part of it is the Thor script and Jez Torrent last
    bit)
    
    v1.2 - 1st of December 2002
    Merry Christmas! (Or at least in 25 days, but still) I have now added the start
    of the Mr Zoo conversation (as when I saved in the game it had just started)
    And added all the info for all the different conversations and adverts. Just
    got the dialogue for 29 more sections to do but 19 already done so the script
    should be finished by next Sunday.
    
    v1.1 - 30th of November 2002
    Finished up with all the way to BJ Smith's conversation. Still got the Thor,
    Jez Torrent, Mandy and Michelle Carapadis bits of K-Chat to do! Nearly there
    now! Only a few days till the script is complete in sections (though
    correctness in words and stuff will probably take a while longer)
    
    v1.0 - 29th of November 2002
    Added a lot. Rest of Mr Zoo talk and half the Gethsemanee bit. Listed some
    stuff after that as filling spaces which people can send the bits into if they
    want! That's it really. Made a few alterations to the original bit but not
    much.
    
    ,-----------------------------------------------------------------------------,
    |~-[050000]~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~THANKS~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-[050000]-~|
    '-----------------------------------------------------------------------------'
    
    Anyway, here the sources/people I need to thank:
    
    GameFAQs for hosting this script for K-Chat.
    IGN for hosting this script for K-Chat as well.
    Rockstar North for making a great game with a great radio station in.
    Dan Houser and Lazlow for writing the original script for K-Chat in Vice City.
    All the voice actors who recorded the station.
    
    And the contributors to the script:
    
        dr_evil1981
        lint6
        Psy
        hendrix
        Thomas
        Cygnet04
        Forelli_boy
        Tony
        Unladen
        Tristan
        Michael Fierro
        Rick Lee
        StoneTempleDude
    
    ,-----------------------------------------------------------------------------,
    |~-[060000]~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~CONTACT~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~[060000]-~|
    '-----------------------------------------------------------------------------'
    
    Please contact me at the following email address regarding the script if you've
    spotted any large errors. Make sure to state clearly what you're talking about.
    
                            dark52 (at) darkspyro (dot) net
    
    ,-----------------------------------------------------------------------------,
    |~-[070000]~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-COPYRIGHT~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-[070000]-~|
    '-----------------------------------------------------------------------------'
    
    Copyright 2002-2009 dark52
    
    All trademarks and copyrights contained in this document are owned by their
    respective trademark and copyright holders.
    
    ,-----------------------------------------------------------------------------,
    '-----------------------------------------------------------------------------'