BACKYARD WRESTLING: DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME Game Script of "Today's Topic" for the PlayStation 2 game console by John "Dragon Lord" Mercer. Unauthorized copyright of this guide without written consent is prohibited by law and subject to litigation. For questions and comments, or to ask to use this FAQs page for your site, e-mail me at DragonLord1975 (at) Adelphia (dot) Net. "Today's Topic" is a parody of daytime talk shows like Jerry Springer and Maury Povich. It's the background for Story Mode in the game. "Today's Topic" talks about Backyard Wrestling and introduces various guests about how Backyard Wrestling has changed their lives. After the interview, the game cuts to the venue corresponding to it. Here is the script for "Today's Topic". For morality, this script has been edited to abide by the GameFAQs Terms of service, for an uncensored version of the script, e-mail me at DragonLord1975 (at) Adelphia (dot) net. I. BACKYARD BEDLAM (Wendell's Backyard) (The opener of the show, photo of host cooking and setting table on fire, photo of a girl flashing her top to the host, photo of the host consoling a distraught woman, photo of young students protesting, photo of the host talking with the security guard backstage and photo of the host holding a giant spider. The "Today's Topic" logo is shown as the camera pans across to shoot the crowd cheering. Cut to the host with weapons on the coffee table.) HOST: Welcome to the show. Today's Topic is backyard wrestling: the scourge of our nation's youth. No, I'm not talking about whacking your buddy with a pinecone or knocking your sister into the hedges. That's good clean fun. (audience murmurs) These backyard wrestlers are beating each other brain dead with light bulbs and barbed wire. Why? We'll explore this violent phenomenon by talking to people whose lives have been affected by backyard wrestling. Let's meet our first guest: Wendell. (audience claps as Wendell walks out on stage. Wendell is a big man with shades on his head, has a crew cut, wears a cooking apron and a black "I Love Meat" T- shirt) HOST: Welcome to the show, Wendell. So tell us more about... WENDELL: WOW! I can't believe I'm here. I wanna say hi to everyone at home. Hi! HOST: Wendell. (audience laughs) What do you like to do on the weekends? WENDELL: Well, uh, I work hard all week at the pickle factory, and when the weekend comes, I like to fire up the grill and do some kick-*** barbecue. Ribs, chicken, mmm burgers, oooh dogs. HOST: Oh yeah. Nothing wrong with that. So what's the problem? WENDELL: BACKYARD WRASSLIN'! THAT'S THE PROBLEM! My brother's friends knocked me into the **** barbecue, and I don't even try to wrestle. I WORK FOR A LIVIN', MOTHER****ER! My life's ruined, and, and...(Wendell removes his shades) I'VE GOT GRILL MARKS ON MY FACE! (audience gasps) HOST: Oh my God! This is just the tip of the iceberg. We'll be right back. (audience cheers) II. TRUCKSTOP TURMOIL (Al's Truck Stop) HOST: We're back. Our next guests have gold and platinum albums, a successful record label, and their own wrestling promotion. Not bad for a couple of high school dropouts from Detroit. Please welcome, the most hated band in the world: Insane Clown Posse! (audience cheers as Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope of ICP walks out to their song "Chicken Huntin'") HOST: Gentlemen, tell me a little bit more about your wrestling company, JCW. VIOLENT J: JCW is the craziest most ****ed-up insane wrestling promotion on the planet! (audience chants JCW repeatedly, some audience members have ICP Joker's Card shirts) We got the Juggalo Power! HOST: Are there any stories you'd like to share from the road? VIOLENT J: OK. JCW's on another sold-out tour leaving buckets of blood and body parts on the arena floors. Then, we pulled into a truck stop for some gas. SHAGGY 2 DOPE: AND, because J had to take his medicine! VIOLENT J: (audience laughs) That's purely speculation! SHAGGY 2 DOPE: All of a sudden, a brawl breaks out! VIOLENT J: WHOA! We watched the carnage unfold in its heat! (audience cheers) SHAGGY 2 DOPE: Some of these kids, they light up the gas pumps! Our truck, our ring, it's all POOF! (audience laughs) It ain't funny! No ring, no truck, no tour! We owe you a Wicked Clown Beatdown! (audience jeers ICP) VIOLENT J: Oh yeah? Well, payback's a *****, mutha****o! III. MEATLOCKER MASH (The Slaughterhouse) HOST: Wrestling and red meat. They go together like America and apple pie, right? (audience says "Yeah.") Let's find out from our next guest, Oscar. (audience claps as Oscar walks out. Oscar is a thin man wearing a full body apron with blood stains on it) HOST: Whoa, you didn't have to get all dressed up for us. OSCAR: Sorry. I didn't have time to change. I'm the night foreman at the slaughterhouse. HOST: So, what's your connection to backyard wrestling? OSCAR: Well, I know a lotta people that do it. And cleaning up afterwards is always a problem...but not where I work. (Oscar evilly chuckles) We just hose everything down normally. (audience is disgusted) HOST: NORMALLY?! OSCAR: Hey, I'm not gonna lie to you. Sometimes, guys fall into the grinder. (audience gets more disgusted) HOST: (shocked) Into the GRINDER? OSCAR: It's not so bad. (evil grin) They kinda taste like CHICKEN. (one audience member eating dogs shocked, whole audience is silent) IV. CLUB BEATDOWN (Peppermint Rooster Gentlemen's Club) HOST: Backyard wrestling has affected many people's lives. But when I heard that these backyard brawlers have taken their violent antics inside the Peppermint Rooster, I was shocked. Please give a warm welcome to Nikki and Elektra! (audience cheers, guys in the audience whistle and cat-call at the two girls going on stage. Techno music is played like the kind at all strip clubs. Nikki is dressed like a nurse and Elektra is dressed in a bikini and chaps in American design) NIKKI & ELEKTRA: (giggles to the crowd) Hi. HOST: What happened that fateful day when backyard wrestling violently entered your life? ELEKTRA: Well, we were workin' the VIP Room and were gettin' hella cash. NIKKI: Then, like, some backyard wrestlers started fighting at the club. They totally wrecked it. ELEKTRA: Those wrestlers were hardcore and stuff. They were amazing. Our bouncer, Big Vito, was so hella aver at them. It totally harshes mellow, fo'shizzle. HOST: (left speechless) Wha? V. SHOPPING SPREE (Downtown Shopping Mall) HOST: We're talking about the phenomenon of backyard wrestling today, and I'm shocked at how many people's lives it's had an impact on. This is a wildfire burning through our youth's moral fiber. Our next guest knows when you're sleeping and he knows when you're awake. So it's either a stalker, or the one and only Santa Claus! (sounds of jingling bells heard in the background with the familiar "Ho Ho Ho!" Santa uses, audience shocked to see a mall Santa drunkenly say "Ho Ho Ho!", staggering like a bum and tripping over the cameraman falling flat on the ground) HOST: (disappointed) Oh, Santa! MALL SANTA: (drunken slur) OH, **** YOU! HOST: Mr. Claus! Please! Think of the children! MALL SANTA: (stammering and farting) Merry Christmas, kids! (the Mall Santa starts to mumble Christmas carols in his drunken state) HOST: Argh! This is a disgrace! (Mall Santa turns around, farts, drops his pants and moons the camera, the audience is disgusted and outraged) HOST: I just can't do this. (drops the microphone in disgust) VI. MANSION MAYHEM (The Fleming Estates) HOST: I'll bet a lot of you are assuming things about these backyard wrestlers, that they're poor or underprivileged. You know what happens when you assume, right? Right? Please welcome to the show, Dr. Mike Fleming. (in the guest chair is Dr. Mike Fleming, a well-dressed man with a haughty rich accent) HOST: Doctor, how has backyard wrestling affected your life? FLEMING: I'd like to say boys will be boys. HOST: You let your son and his friends wrestle in your yard?! FLEMING: Yes. If that's how he chooses to express himself, he has my blessing. And more importantly, the blessing of his therapist. HOST: Therapist? FLEMING: He has a short attention span. He's very energetic. HOST: Isn't that called "being a kid"? FLEMING: Mike Junior doesn't apply himself to anything, and why should he have to? We're rich! This is the first thing he's ever committed himself to. He swings a mean light bulb, you know. HOST: Do you think your son is out of control? FLEMING: (enraged, he leaves his seat pointing at the host) How DARE you judge my son?! (audience begins to boo him) If my son wants to have some friends over and hire a band, that's fine. If he wants to burn down our Tiki Bar and throw his friends through the windows, THAT'S NONE OF YOUR **** BUSINESS! (security guard comes to escort Fleming offstage) DON'T PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME! THAT'S IT! (Fleming angrily walks off the set) HOST: Well, I guess it's true what they say. Money can't buy happiness, but I bet it buys one hell of a backyard. VII. TALKSHOW TERROR (On the Set of "Today's Topic") HOST: Thanks to the wrestlers who were supposed to join us on the show today, but we gotta wrap it up. Now, for some final thoughts. I learned that backyard wrestling is a dangerous sport that you shouldn't try at home. I'm shocked and horrified, not by the violence we saw, but by irresponsible people who look to blame television, music, movies and video games when something goes wrong in their lives. (a steel chair from out of nowhere hits the host knocking him down bleeding, holding the chair is Mad Man Pondo, one of the veterans of Backyard Wrestling) MAD MAN PONDO: I'VE BEEN HERE ALL DAY, AND NOW YOU'RE SHUTTIN' DOWN THE SHOW?! YOU AIN'T SHUTTIN' DOWN **** 'TIL PONDO SAYS SO! HOST: (bleeding from his head) Hey! This is my show! Who the hell do you think you... (Pondo knocks him unconscious with the steel chair again, causing the audience to scream in panic and run from the studio) MAD MAN PONDO: YOU MORONS BETTER RUN, OR I'LL DO THE SAME TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU! TO ALL THE BOYS IN THE BACK, I WANT A MATCH! I DON'T CARE WHO IT IS! GET YOUR *** OUT HERE! IT'S SHOWTIME!! "Today's Topic" and "Backyard Wrestling: Don't Try This At Home" are copyrighted by Eidos Interactive and Paradox Entertainment. Insane Clown Posse appears courtesy of Psychopathic Records.