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(Thanks to Asc2377 and THAguyINgta3)

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
                      Game: Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
                          Platform: Playstation 2
                          Genre: Action/Adventure
                             Creator: Rockstar
                         Developer: Rockstar North
                         Author of this FAQ: A.K.A
                    E-mail: arminjewell(at)yahoo(dot)com
                         Version of the FAQ: Final
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=


===============================================================================
                       TABLE OF CONTENTS - SHORT VERSION
===============================================================================

1.0 Revision History
2.0 Copyright Information
3.0 Introduction
4.0 Basic Controls and Strategies
5.0 Story
6.0 Characters
7.0 Missions Walkthrough
8.0 Odd Jobs
9.0 Vehicles
10.0 Weapons and Items
11.0 Hidden Packages
12.0 Unique Jumps
13.0 Rampages
14.0 Locations
15.0 Radio Stations
16.0 Miscellaneous
17.0 Cheat Codes
18.0 Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
19.0 Credits

===============================================================================
                       TABLE OF CONTENTS - LONG VERSION
===============================================================================

1.0 Revision History
2.0 Copyright Information
3.0 Introduction
4.0 Basic Controls and Strategies
   4.1 Controls
   4.2 Police
   4.3 Asset Properties
   4.4 Non-Asset Properties/Save Houses
   4.5 Robbing Shops
   4.6 Clothes/Outfits
   4.7 Locations of Places in Vice City
      4.7.1 Main Mission Locations
      4.7.2 Side Mission Locations
      4.7.3 Asset/Odd Job Locations
   4.8 Requirements for 100%
5.0 Story
6.0 Characters
   6.1 Characters
   6.2 Gangs
7.0 Missions Walkthrough
   7.1 Ken Rosenburg
      7.1.1 AN OLD FRIEND
      7.1.2 THE PARTY
      7.1.3 BACK ALLEY BRAWL
      7.1.4 JURY FURY
      7.1.5 RIOT
   7.2 Colonel Cortez
      7.2.1 TREACHEROUS SWINE
      7.2.2 MALL SHOOTOUT
      7.2.3 GUARDIAN ANGELS
      7.2.4 SIR, YES SIR!
      7.2.5 ALL HANDS ON DECK
   7.3. Ricardo Diaz
      7.3.1 THE CHASE
      7.3.2 PHNOM PENH '86
      7.3.3 THE FASTEST BOAT
      7.3.4 SUPPLY & DEMAND
   7.4. Tommy Vercetti
      7.4.1 DEATH ROW
      7.4.2 RUB OUT
      7.4.3 SHAKEDOWN
      7.4.4 BAR BRAWL
      7.4.5 COPLAND
   7.5. Final Missions
      7.5.1 CAP THE COLLECTOR
      7.5.2 KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE...
   7.6 Extra Missions
      7.6.1 Avery Carrington
         7.6.1.1 FOUR IRON
         7.6.1.2 DEMOLITION MAN
         7.6.1.3 TWO BIT HIT
      7.6.2 Rock Band: Love Fist
         7.6.2.1 LOVE JUICE
         7.6.2.2 PSYCHO KILLER
         7.6.2.3 PUBLICITY TOUR
      7.6.3 Bikers: "Big" Mitch Baker
         7.6.3.1 ALLOY WHEELS OF STEEL
         7.6.3.2 MESSING WITH THE MAN
         7.6.3.3 HOG TIED
      7.6.4 Assassinations (Phone Missions)
         7.6.4.1 ROAD KILL
         7.6.4.2 WASTE THE WIFE
         7.6.4.3 AUTOCIDE
         7.6.4.4 CHECK OUT AT THE CHECK-IN
         7.6.4.5 LOOSE ENDS
      7.6.5 Cubans: Umberto
         7.6.5.1 STUNT BOAT CHALLENGE
         7.6.5.2 CANNON FODDER
         7.6.5.3 NAVAL ENGAGEMENT
         7.6.5.4 TROJAN VOODOO
      7.6.6 Haitians: Auntie Poulet
         7.6.6.1 JUJU SCRAMBLE
         7.6.6.2 BOMBS AWAY!
         7.6.6.3 DIRTY LICKIN"S
   7.7 Asset Missions
      7.7.1 Porn Empire: Steve Scott
         7.7.1.1 RECRUITMENT DRIVE
         7.7.1.2 DILDO DODO
         7.7.1.3 MARTHA"S MUG SHOT
         7.7.1.4 G-SPOTLIGHT
      7.7.2 Boatyard: Checkpoint Race
         7.7.2.1 CHECKPOINT CHARLIE
      7.7.3 Kaufman Cab
         7.7.3.1 V.I.P.
         7.7.3.2 FRIENDLY RIVALRY
         7.7.3.3 CABMAGEDDON
      7.7.4 The Malibu: Bank Heist
         7.7.4.1 NO ESCAPE?
         7.7.4.2 THE SHOOTIST
         7.7.4.3 THE DRIVER
         7.7.4.4 THE JOB
      7.7.5 Phil Cassidy: Gun Warehouse
         7.7.5.1 GUN RUNNER
         7.7.5.2 BOOMSHINE SAIGON
      7.7.6 Print Works: Counterfeiting
         7.7.6.1 SPILLING THE BEANS
         7.7.6.2 HIT THE COURIER
   7.8 Game Script
8.0 Odd Jobs
   8.1 "R3 Missions"
   8.2 The Arena
   8.3 Cone Crazy
   8.4 RC Missions
   8.5 Shooting Range
   8.6 Street Races and Stolen Cars
   8.7 PCJ Playground
   8.8 Chopper Missions
   8.9 Test Track/Trial By Dirt
   8.10 Beach Ball Game
9.0 Vehicles
   9.1 Cars/Trucks
   9.2 Motorcycles
   9.3 Planes
   9.4 Boats
   9.5 Vehicle Statistics
   9.6 Rare Cars
10.0 Weapons and Items
   10.1 Slot 1
   10.2 Slot 2
   10.3 Slot 3
   10.4 Slot 4
   10.5 Slot 5
   10.6 Slot 6
   10.7 Slot 7
   10.8 Slot 8
   10.9 Slot 9
   10.10 Slot 10
   10.11 Items
   10.12 Weapon Statistics
11.0 Hidden Packages
   11.1 Locations
   11.2 Directions
12.0 Unique Jumps
13.0 Rampages
14.0 Locations
15.0 Radio Stations
16.0 Miscellaneous
   16.1 Made Up Missions
   16.2 Fun Things To Do
   16.3 Glitches
   16.4 Statistics Page
      16.4.1 Statistics Page Example
      16.4.2 Statistics Information
17.0 Cheat Codes
   17.1 Push-Button Cheats
   17.2 GameShark Codes
   17.3 Miscellaneous Codes
18.0 Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
19.0 Credits

In this FAQ is a searching tool with numbers.  Just press CTRL+F to get the
search box in your browser and type in the number of the place you need to go
to so you can find the information you need.

===============================================================================
                             
                           -= 1.0 Version History =-

===============================================================================

Final – June 15, 2004 – Hello again!  I decided to update because no one has 
decided to listen to me and has kept sending in stuff to post!  (I also wanted 
to change the contribution name).  I also reformatted it to make it much easier 
to look at, section headers mainly.

Final - November 22, 2003 - Okay everyone, this is the last update.  From now
on I will not take any e-mails with stuff or with questions.  I reformatted it
and added some things and I'm finally done.

4.7 - September 21, 2003 - I added many more contributions, I can't believe the
number of contributions still coming in!

4.6 - July 16, 2003 - Of course, more contributions were added.

4.5 - July 10, 2003 - I added some more contributions and the much-requested
locations.

4.4 - July 3, 2003 - I added many, many more contributions, and the Radio
Espantoso script.

4.3 - June 28, 2003 - I corrected some format issues, hopefully this looks
better and it is easier to navigate this large FAQ!  I basically added a search
engine, which is explained.  I also took out the unnecessary ASCII art at the
top.

4.2 - June 24, 2003 - I added a couple new things, hopefully I can add more
soon, the main thing was another script! Thanks to BoredGamer for this script!

4.1 - June 18, 2003 - I knew I would be back.  Again, I just added some more
contributions to buffer the steady amount of contributions that people keep on
sending into me.

4.0 - May 12, 2003 - More than likely this will be the last time I update, but
for the sake of never being finished, because inevitably someone will give me
more, I won't give it a Final status.  Thanks to everyone who contributed!!!

3.9 - March 27, 2003 - I added many new contributions.

3.8 - March 13, 2003 - I added the K-Chat script, and a couple more
contributions.

3.7 - March 4, 2003 - I added the game script.

3.6 - March 2, 2003 - I added the script for Flash FM and contributions.

3.5 - March 1, 2003 - I added a script for Emotion 98.3, and I am looking to
get all of them soon.  I also added many contributions, thanks guys keep them
coming.

3.4 - February 14, 2003 - Happy Valentine's Day!  I updated the rampages
section because so many people e-mailed me on how to get there, so I did that.
Oh yeah, could I forget contributions?

3.3 - February 10, 2003 - Added some more contributions.

3.2 - February 6, 2003 - Added a whole new section on the statistics of
weapons, pretty cool, all thanks to Psy.

3.1 - February 4, 2003 - Updated some more stuff in the Rampages section, and
added some stuff in Unique Jumps.  Also added a couple more contributions.

3.0 - February 2, 2003 - I realized that there will not be a final version to
this FAQ for a LOOONNNG time.  Added some new stuff thanks to THAguyINgta3.  I
created a new section on my own, I need LOTS of contributions for this one,
please, contribute fun things to do or challenges.

2.9 - February 1, 2003 - More contributions, they are still coming.

2.8 - January 24, 2003 - I added the last thing my FAQ needed, information on
the rare cars, a new FAQ section, and some last minute contributions.

2.7 - January 22, 2003 - This should be the last version, and after you see
this, I will not accept any more e-mails.  I added the rest of the vehicle
locations.

2.6 - January 20, 2003 - I added some new information in vehicles and
locations.  I also got directions for the packages.  I will update a couple
more times for contributions and I also need to get the rest of the locations,
maybe some rare cars too.

2.5 - January 17, 2003 - I added information for the Arena, and a new mini-game
is added.  Hidden Packages on the to-do list.

2.4 - January 14, 2003 - Added a couple more contributions, I will work on the
Hidden Packages next, specifically the directions to each one.  I also added as
many GameShark codes as I could find, due to some demand.

2.35 - January 2, 2003 - Added some more contributions.

2.3 - January 1, 2003 - Happy New Year!  I finished the Hidden
Packages, and now all that I have to do is give you the directions.  I am
thinking of putting in car locations soon.

2.2 - December 21, 2002 - Did the Hidden Packages section numbers 1-50.
I won't be updating cause it is the holidays, so don't except any fast updates
past this one.

2.1 - December 19, 2002 - Finished the Locations section, added the Health,
Armor, and Police Bribes in it.  Pretty much done with the FAQ, just need the
hidden packages.

2.0 - December 18, 2002 - Finished the neglected characters section that I
forgot about for so long, and I added a glitches section, and finished that,
except that I'm taking contributions for it.  I'm having second thoughts about
the map, it would be too complicated and it would just confuse people.  I will
try my best to describe its location anyway.

1.9 - December 16, 2002 - Finished the unique jumps, added some more
contributions, thanks guys.  I also did some more stuff in the Locations
section.  More stuff coming soon, including those maps I promised.

1.8 - December 13, 2002 - Did the vehicle stats for the rest of the vehicles.
Also I added a really cool ASCII art at the top, check it out. Also changed the
TBC, made it more elaborate.  I started a new section called Locations, kind of
general.

1.7 - December 10, 2002 - Did the vehicle stats for the cars/trucks.
Whew!  Still got to do the other vehicles, coming soon.  Again, more
contributions, thanks guys keep them coming.

1.6 - November 30, 2002 - Finished the extra missions and almost all the odd
jobs, I still need to add some stuff about the Arena.  I forgot to mention I
added the rampages the last update.  My next big task is to sort out the
vehicle stats.  Oh, I almost forgot, I got many contributions again.

1.5 - November 24, 2002 - Finished some more side missions.  Changed the TPC a
little.  Added a lot of the vehicle locations, thanks to
Jamie Ivany.  Now I'll focus on the extra stuff.

1.4 - November 11, 2002 - Added some ASCII art, did some more extra missions
and many contributions, thank you very much for those.

1.3 - November 9, 2002 - Contributions again, got a HUGE contribution from
Gaius in the vehicles section.  Check it out its pretty cool.  It will be put
into better understandable information once I understand it. :) Got through all
of the Biker missions.

1.2 - November 6, 2002 - More corrections and contributions, finished the main
missions, and some of the side missions.

1.1 - November 4, 2002 - Added some corrections, added a section in the basics,
and finished the items.  New ASCII art.  A big update coming soon.

1.0 - November 2, 2002 - First version of the FAQ, created mostly all parts,
started the vehicles, weapons, cheat codes, characters, gangs, story, controls
and introduction, part of the walkthrough, and the cheats.  I will update the
walkthrough as I go through the game.  Did the ASCII art also.

===============================================================================

                        -= 2.0 Copyright Information =-

===============================================================================

This document is protected by US Copyright Law, and the Berne Copyright
Convention of 1976.  It is for private and personal use only--it cannot be
reprinted in part or in whole, or reproduced in any way or in any form (written
or otherwise).  It is a free document that cannot be used in any sort of
commercial transaction, including selling it or giving it away as a gift.  This
FAQ cannot be referenced, altered, or used by anybody (including webmasters,
publishers, and magazine staff) without my expressed written permission.  This
FAQ was created and is owned by me, Armin Jewell <arminjewell (at) yahoo (dot)
com>.  All copyrights and trademarks are acknowledged and respected that are
not specifically mentioned herein.  This document is copyrighted 2002-2003 by
Armin Jewell.

===============================================================================

                             -= 3.0 Introduction =-

===============================================================================

This is an awesome game.  Now I think this game had WAY too much hype about it,
it only has one city!  There aren't as many missions and things to do.  It is
sort of a mini-version of GTA3, but it is expanded.  You can now fly
helicopters; there are more cars, weapons, characters, and better graphics.
While it doesn't have the amount of gameplay that GTA3 does and it isn't as
groundbreaking, it is still a Grand Theft Auto game and that means it is
awesome.  Okay, a little information about e-mail.  I'm sorry if I can't answer
all of your questions because I have a busy schedule and I still will try my
best to update this FAQ as much as possible.  I probably won't know much more
then my FAQ says, but you are welcome to ask.  If I don't know, I will respond,
but I will simply say that I don't know.  NO HATE MAILS!  PLEASE READ THE GUIDE
BEFORE ASKING QUESTIONS!  I will simply delete any e-mail that is answered in
the FAQ. Just don't do it and we will be all peachy.  Also, DON'T SEND ME SPAM.
Please, just don't do it.  Also before you send me any e-mails, the most recent
version of this FAQ will always be at this site, so look there for all your
information before asking me any questions about the FAQ from other sites:

www.gameFAQs.com

NOTE: *This FAQ contains spoilers, so read at your own risk!!*

===============================================================================

                     -= 4.0 Basic Controls and Strategies =-

===============================================================================

This is pretty much all said in the manual, but I will say it here for the sake
of my guide.  They are just some common sense tips about the game.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                                 4.1 Controls
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-----------------
Controls on Foot
-----------------

D-Pad or Left Analog Stick - Move around
Right Control Stick - Look in first person mode
Start - Pause
Select - Toggle camera view
X button - Hold to sprint
Square button- Jump
Circle button- Fire/Use current weapon
Triangle button - Enter/steal vehicle
L1 - Center camera
L2 - Change weapon
L3 - Crouch
R1 - Target lock-on
R2 - Change weapon
R3 - Look back

----------------
Controls in Car
----------------

D-Pad/Left and Right Control Stick - Turn vehicle
Start - Pause
Select - Toggle camera view
X button - Accelerate
Square button - Reverse/Stop if moving
Circle button - Drive-by
Triangle button - Exit vehicle/Bail
L1 - Change radio station
L2 - Look left/Stick gun out the window
L3 - Horn
R1 - Handbrake
R2 - Look right/Stick gun out the window
R3 - Side missions (if applicable)


--------------------------------
Controls in Helicopter or Plane
--------------------------------

Control Stick/D-Pad Up - Move forward
Control Stick/D-Pad Down - Move backward
X button - Accelerate/Gain height
Square button - Decrease altitude
Circle button - Fire attached gun (if applicable)
Triangle button - Suicide bail
L2 - Turn right, hold to spin
R2 - Turn left, hold to spin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                                  4.2 Police
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Many people consider them as regular police.  Well, I am here to prove you
wrong.  They are their own gang against you in this game.  If you don't piss
them off they don't do anything.  But if you do piss them off, their whole
army, literally, will come after you.

-One Star * - This means you have pissed them off slightly.  This occurs if you
run into them, kill a person walking on the street; steal a car right in front
of them, nothing big.  Get rid of it by hiding, or just driving around.

-Two Stars ** - This means you either got in trouble and pushed your luck with
the cops, or you ran one over.  Running over a cop, and killing it mind you,
will automatically give you 2 stars!  Not good, don't do it unless you want
cops on your tail.  To get rid of it, get to the Pay n' Spray or find a police
bribe to get it down to one star, and see above for information on that.

-Three Stars *** - Uh oh.  You better start running.  Helicopters will come
after you; countless cop cars will fly at you, even roadblocks will be set up.
This is a compilation of things and it only happens unless you either want it
to or for some reason like to run over a lot of people including cops.  GET to
a PAY N' SPRAY!

-Four Stars **** - I got just one simple word.  Run.  In a car though.  Now you
will have the SWAT team on your butt and helicopters all around and cars and
enforcers...it is not pretty.  Usually you get this if you shoot a helicopter
down.  Pay N' Spray anybody?

-Five Stars ***** - Now you are asking for it.  Getting this far is tough
anyway, now try to survive.  Good luck!  Everything except a tank will after
you for whatever horrendous things you have done.  You must get to a Pay N'
Spray or you are going to die my friend!

-Six Stars ****** - This is suicide.  Now tanks will come after you, shooting
you and trying to run over you.  If you know from GTA 3, if the tank touches
you, you will explode!  Obviously the missiles will make you explode also.  I
highly doubt you will survive.  Pay N' Spray right away. (That rhymed!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                              4.3 Asset Properties
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You can purchase Asset Properties after Tommy's "Shakedown" mission.
These are places in Vice City you can purchase and gain revenue.  There are
many other benefits of this, as well as the fact of getting 100% in the game.
Here are the properties.  I have had SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many e-mails
about this so I will address it here since that's where people look I guess.
To get the final missions, you need to buy 5 out of these 8 assets.  Then you
need to complete all of their missions.  I hope this is clear.

-Boatyard
Cost: $10,000
Location: Viceport
Revenue: Revenue is gained after you complete the mission "Checkpoint
Charlie."  Generates a maximum of $2,000 a day.
Benefits: Free boats

-Cherry Popper Ice Cream Factory
Cost: $20,000
Location: Little Haiti
Revenue: Complete "Distribution" to get maximum revenue of $3,000.
Benefits: Ice Cream Delivery Missions

-Kaufman Cabs
Cost: $40,000
Location: Little Haiti
Revenue: $5,000 max per day
Benefits: 3 extra Kaufman taxi missions

-Car Showroom
Cost: $50,000
Location: Little Havana
Revenue: $9,000 max per day
Benefits: Pay N' Spray (not free thanks to JRCbase), Save House, 4 garages, and
VC racer missions.
More Information: To get more maximum income, you can keep on getting cars on
the list and you also get a new car everytime you complete a list.  (Thanks to
Kevin)

-Print Works
Cost: $70,000
Location: Little Haiti
Revenue: $8,000 after missions completed
Benefits: Missions (VERY IMPORTANT!  Completing these will allow your revenue
of this place and to complete the main story missions)

-Film Studio
Cost: $60,000
Location: Prawn Island
Revenue: $7,000 max after missions are completed
Benefits: You gain access to the seaplane only when you have had the studios
for more than a week. (Thanks to ACJPaton)

-The Malibu
Cost: $120,000
Location: Vice Point
Revenue: $10,000 max per day
Benefits: Extra Missions.  Thanks to Tony Antora for verification.

-Pole Position
Cost: $30,000 ($600 dollars more to gain max revenue)
Location: Ocean Beach
Revenue: After you spend an additional $600 (You have to stay in the room with
the stripper for about 6 minutes because it takes 5 dollars every 3 seconds
remember you have to spend 600, thanks to Brenden
Edwards) $4,000 max per day. If you consistently go in and out of the first
room, the dancers will cycle through multiple dancers, including the white hat
chick, and some girl in red lace (Contributed by Cory
Brown) You don't have to spend the 600 bucks all at once, I was in the back
room for a while and I thought I was in there for the right amount of time, so
I left and it didn't say anything, then I went back in, and hit x accidentally,
then it said I get my revenue.  (Thanks to TimDaQB14)
Benefits: ...I think you know what the benefits are of a strip club.
More Information: If you spend another 1000 bucks there, you will yet again
increase your income there.  (Thanks to Kevin)

Some additional tips from nick
------------------------------
Here's a tip you might want to put in your guide, is you own property like the
Vercetti estate or the strip club or anything else that will make you money,
save several times then check the places that will make you money, it'll have
like 10,000 dollars there or more depending how many times you saved.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                      4.4 Non-Asset Properties/Save Houses
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These are also properties you can buy, but they aren't profitable.
They are used as save points.  I think it is pretty cool to have multiple save
points.  I will list their price, location, number of garages/helipads and
name.

-Elswanko Casa
Location: Vice Point, south of the North Point mall and east of the
Leaf Links North Island.
Features: 1 garage
Price: $8,000

-Links View Apartments
Location: East of Leaf Links Island and west of the police station
Features: 1 garage
Price: $6,000

-Ocean Heights
Location: Farthest south in Ocean Beach
Features: 1 garage
Price: $7,000

-Hyman Condo
Location: One block east of Hyman Memorial Stadium.
Features: 3 garages and one helipad
Price: $14,000

-1102 Washington Street
Location: Across Ken Rosenberg's office in Washington Beach
Features: None
Price: $3,000

-3321 Vice Point
Location: Shoreline north of North Point mall.
Features: None
Price: $2,500

-Skumole Shack
Location: On the rooftop of a building down the street and around the corner
from the Biker Bar.
Features: None
Price: $1,000

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                              4.5 Robbing Shops
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This I think is awesome.  You can rob stores for a little extra cash, but more
importantly, to get closer to that goal of 100% completion.  Watch out though,
robbing a store sounds the alarm, and the police.  To rob the store, simply
target, don't shoot, the cashier and he will fork over the dough.  The longer
you do it, the more cash you get.  Shoot him afterwards to prevent him from
sounding the alarm, but the police will be on the way anyway.  There are 15
stores you can knock off, and I will list their locations.

-Corner Store - Vice Point

-Dispensary Plus - Vice Point

-Jewelry Store #1 - Vice Point

-Gash - North Point Mall

-Music Store - North Point Mall

-Jewelry Store #2 - North Point Mall

-Hardware Store - North Point Mall

-Bunch of Tools - Washington Beach

-Ryton Aide Pharmacy - Little Haiti

-Pharmacy - Downtown

-Jewelry Store #3 - Downtown

-Cafe Robina - Little Havana (Thanks to Caseboy1@aol.com)

-Doughnut Shop - Little Havana

-Laundromat - Little Havana

-Screw This - Little Havana

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                              4.6 Clothes/Outfits
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are 10 outfits in the game, and they are needed to beat parts of the
game.  You usually get them from completing a mission, but there are other
ways.  I will give you the outfit, where you can get it, and how to get it.

-Street Outfit
Location: Every save house
How To Get It: Complete "An Old Friend" mission
(thanks to a correction by RyGuyPlus)

-Soiree Outfit
Location: Rafael's
How To Get It: Complete "The Party" mission

-Coveralls
Location: Tooled Up
How To Get It: Complete "Riot" mission

-Country Club Outfit
Location: Golf Course
How To Get It: Complete "Four Iron" mission

-Havana Outfit
Location: Little Havana Streetwear
How To Get It: Complete "Two Bit Hit" mission

-Cop Outfit
Location: Police Station (Washington Beach)
How To Get It: Complete "Cop Land" mission

-Banker Outfit
Location: Malibu Club
How To Get It: Complete "The Job" mission

-Casual Outfit
Location: The Gash
How To Get It: Complete "Treacherous Swine" mission

-Mr. Vercetti Outfit
Location: Collar and Cuffs
How To Get It: Buy "Pole Position" property

-Tracksuit Outfit (Blue and Black)
Location: Jocksport
How To Get It: Complete "Supply and Demand" mission

-Tracksuit Outfit (Crimson)
Location: Laundromat in Little Havana (location of package #72, thanks to Scott
W)
How To Get It: Available from the get-go (thanks to JeremyCPA, thanks for
verification by Ted Milker, Killigrew, Brian.J)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                      4.7 Locations of Places in Vice City
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Due to popular demand, (or repeated e-mails, whatever you want to call it) I
have found the need to create a section showing everybody where to go to get to
these certain places.  I have put a starting point to get to all of these
places, and that is the mansion.  I will put up as many as I can think of, if
anybody else thinks of another one e-mail me.  I will put them in alphabetical
order by LAST NAME for your ease of finding them.  Here we go!

First I will give you directions from the Ocean View Hotel, where you start
out, to the mansion, to attempt to cure any confusion.

MANSION: From the Ocean View Hotel head north.  Turn on the first left, pass
two right turns, and then turn on the third one.  Pass two small left turns and
turn left onto the bridge.  Follow that road to the island and you will find
the mansion on your left.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4.7.1 Main Mission Locations
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"CAP THE COLLECTOR": At the Print Works, see that for details.

RICARDO DIAZ: Right by the mansion, you really cannot miss it if you start from
the mansion.

JUAN GARCIA "COLONEL CORTEZ": From the mansion, take the main road east and
over the bridge into Vice Point.  Take the first right and follow that until
you enter Ocean Beach.  Pass the first left and turn left on the second one and
continue until you reach a right turn.  You should be in the docks area and
continue until you see a pink circle located in front of a fence.

KENT PAUL: From the mansion, take the main road east and over the bridge into
Vice Point.  Take the first left turn and follow that road until you get to a Y
intersection.  Follow the same road right and cross the bridge.  Make the first
sharp right you can on the main road and continue to go until you see the
Malibu on the right hand side, with a pink circle.

KEN ROSENBURG: From the mansion, take the main road east and over the bridge
into Vice Point.  Take the first right and follow that until you enter Ocean
Beach, and look on your left hand side.  There should be a pink circle there.

"RUB OUT": Right outside the mansion.

TOMMY VERCETTI: Inside/Outside the doors of the mansion.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4.7.2 Side Mission Locations
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ASSASSINATION PHONE #1: From the mansion, take the main road east and over the
bridge into Vice Point.  Take the first right and follow that until you enter
Ocean Beach.  Take the left turn right before the bridge, and take the next
left turn after that.  You will see the pink marker in front of the pay phones
before the next intersection.

ASSASSINATION PHONE #2: From the mansion, take the main road east and over the
bridge into Vice Point.  Take the first left turn and follow that road until
you get to a Y intersection.  Follow the same road right and cross the bridge.
Take the third left onto the main beach road.  Turn at the first left and the
pay phones should be on your right.

ASSASSINATION PHONE #3: From the mansion, take the main road east and over the
bridge into Vice Point.  Take the first right and follow that until you enter
Ocean Beach.  Take the left turn right before the bridge, and take the next
left turn after that.  You will see the pink marker in front of the pay phones
before the next intersection.

ASSASSINATION PHONE #4: From the mansion, take the main road west and over the
bridge into Little Havana.  Turn left onto the highway and follow it south.
After you pass the next bridge entrance on your left, a little ways further is
a right turn that you should take.  Follow that road all the way into the
airport.  Go inside the airport to find the pay phones.

ASSASSINATION PHONE #5: From the mansion, take the main road west and over the
bridge into Little Havana.  Turn right on the highway, and quickly make a left
turn.  At the T-intersection make a left and there is a single pay phone on the
back of a building, where you will start your mission.

MITCH BAKER: From the mansion, take the main road west and over the bridge into
Little Havana.  Turn right on the highway, and follow it north all the way into
downtown.  When you get into downtown, follow the right side of the road as the
highway splits. The biker bar should be there with a pink marker as soon as the
highway splits on the left side of the road.

AVERY CARRINGTON: From the mansion, take the main road east and over the bridge
into Vice Point.  Turn at the first left and follow the road until you see the
construction site on your left.  There should be a pink circle on the sidewalk.

LOVE FIST: From the mansion, take the main road west and over the bridge into
Little Havana.  Turn right on the highway, and follow it north all the way into
downtown.  When you get into downtown, follow the right side of the road as the
highway splits, and take the first left that you see.  Pass the intersection
and follow this road around the bend and up to the intersection.  You should
see the V-Rock building and a red circle in front of it.

AUNTIE POULET: From the mansion, take the main road west and over the bridge
into Little Havana.  Turn right on the highway, and follow it north all the way
into the outskirts of Little Haiti.  Make the last left turn you can before
hitting downtown and follow that road to a weird three-way intersection.  Her
house should be straight or right, with a circle in front.

UMBERTO: From the mansion, take the main road west and over the bridge into
Little Havana.  Turn right on the highway, and quickly make a left turn.  At
the T-intersection make a left, and then take the first right.  Pass the next
intersection and on the left you will see Robina's Café, where there will be a
circle.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4.7.3 Asset/Odd Job Locations
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BOATYARD: From the mansion, take the main road west and over the bridge into
Little Havana.  Turn left onto the highway and follow it south.  Keep following
it south until it splits left and right, you want to go LEFT.  On your left
hand side when the road starts to turn you will see a garage.  Go next to it to
find the circle for the Boatyard.

PHIL CASSIDY: From the mansion, take the main road west and over the bridge
into Little Havana.  Turn right on the highway, and follow it north all the way
into the outskirts of Little Haiti.  Make the last left turn you can before
hitting downtown and follow that road to the first bend in it.  Right on that
corner you will find Phil Cassidy's Gun Warehouse.

CHERRY POPPER ICE CREAM: From the mansion, take the main road west and over the
bridge into Little Havana.  Go across the highway and turn left, and you will
see the Ice Cream Factory on your right side, RIGHT AWAY, a left turn isn't
even required here.

CHOPPER MISSION #1 (OCEAN BEACH): From the Ocean View Hotel, travel south and
turn right at the first intersection.  Turn right at the T intersection.  Turn
left at the first intersection.  Turn left at the T intersection.  Turn right
at the first intersection.  Just before the next intersection, there is an
alley on your right and a white building on your left with a staircase.  Use
the alley to gain speed to use the staircase to jump to the pink rooftop.
(This is also unique jump #10.)  The helicopter is located on this roof.
(Thanks to GTA3 Addict)

CHOPPER MISSION #2 (LITTLE HAITI): In order to get to this helicopter, you will
need a PCJ 600 or a Sanchez.  From the bridge connecting Leaf Links to the west
island, travel west and as the road curves to the right, turn left at the third
intersection.  Turn left at the T intersection.  Turn left at the first alley.
Using the ramp at the end of the alley, jump across the alley to the building.
(This is also unique jump #22.)  The helicopter is located on this roof.
(Thanks to GTA3 Addict)

CHOPPER MISSION #3 (VICE POINT): From the Ocean View Hotel, travel north until
the road curves sharply to the left.  Turn right at the intersection.  After
the road curves right and then immediately left, the Malibu Club is on your
left.  Turn left at the third intersection.  At the next intersection, go
straight into the yard area and find the first yard on the left side.  The
helicopter is located in the yard.
(Thanks to GTA3 Addict)

CHOPPER MISSION #4 (DOWNTOWN): From the bridge connecting Prawn Island to the
west island, travel west and turn left at the first intersection.  Turn left at
the first intersection.  Turn left at the T intersection.  Shortly after making
the turn you will see a set of stairs to your left on the side of the building.
The helicopter is located on the west end of the roof.
(Thanks to GTA3 Addict)

CONE CRAZY: From the mansion, take the main road east and over the bridge into
Vice Point.  Cross the smaller bridge ahead and quickly take a right after the
bridge.  Follow that road into Ocean Beach, where you should take the third
left into a small road connecting two roads.  Look to your right to see a
building, where at the top you will find cone crazy.

FILM STUDIO: From the mansion, take the main road west and over the bridge into
Little Havana.  Turn right on the highway, and follow it north all the way into
downtown.  Follow it even as it splits; follow it right, until you can make
another right turn onto a bridge.  This should take you to Prawn Island.  When
you enter, you should see the Film Studio on your right hand side.

HYMAN MEMORIAL STADIUM (ARENA MISSIONS): From the mansion, take the main road
west and over the bridge into Little Havana.  Turn right on the highway, and
follow it north all the way into downtown.  Follow the road right when the
highway splits, and stay on it until you reach a T-intersection.  Turn left and
straight ahead you should see the stadium.

KAUFMAN CABS: From the mansion, take the main road west and over the bridge
into Little Havana.  Turn right on the highway, and follow it north all the way
into the outskirts of Little Haiti.  Make the last left turn you can before
hitting downtown and follow that road to a weird three-way intersection.  You
should see Kaufman Cabs on yoru right just before the intersection.

MALIBU, THE: From the mansion, take the main road east and over the bridge into
Vice Point.  Take the first left turn and follow that road until you get to a Y
intersection.  Follow the same road right and cross the bridge.  Make the first
sharp right you can on the main road and continue to go until you see the
Malibu on the right hand side, with a pink circle.

PCJ PLAYGROUND: From the Ocean View Hotel, go north all the way up the stretch
of road until you are at the intersection after making the curve. Now, turn
right and keep going until you see a building with a wooden ramp on it and just
ahead will be the Vice City Police Department. On the right somewhere, there
will be a hotel. There will be a hill and on it is sitting a PCJ-600. Now, just
hop on to start the mission. (Thanks to THAguyINgta3 for this)

PIZZA DELIVERY: From the mansion, take the main road east and over the bridge
into Vice Point.  Take the first left turn and follow that road until you get
to a Y intersection.  Follow the same road right and cross the bridge.  Make
the first sharp right you can on the main road and continue to go until you see
the Malibu on the right hand side, with a pink circle.  You can find the Pizza
moped over near the Malibu Club in the middle of the island.  (Thanks to Myke
for the last part)

PRINT WORKS: From the mansion, take the main road west and over the bridge into
Little Havana.  Turn right on the highway, and take a left at the second left.
Stay on the same road at the first intersection, but at the second
intersection, go on the road heading west.  You should see the Print Works on
your right hand side.

RC BANDIT: From the mansion, take the main road east over the bridge and into
Vice Point.  Follow the same road across the smaller bridge, and then turn
left, which should lead into the main beach road.  Count six left turns and
after that, between the sixth and seventh left turn, go onto the beach and out
a ways to find the lone van.

RC BARON: From the mansion, take the main road east over the bridge and into
Vice Point.  Follow the same road across the smaller bridge, and then turn
left, which should lead into the main beach road.  Follow that road past the
beach and it starts to head west.  Go past the mall and into the car park.  You
should see the van on the top level.

RC RAIDER: From the mansion, take the main road west and over the bridge into
Little Havana.  Turn left on the highway and turn on the second left.  Again,
turn on the second left and follow the southwestern road to the dead-end.  On
the right you will see the lone Top Fun van.

SHOOTING RANGE: From the mansion, take the main road west and over the bridge
into Little Havana.  Turn right on the highway and follow it all the way into
downtown.  The range is located at the AmmuNation in downtown.

STREET RACE #1 (TERMINAL VELOCITY): From Sunshine Autos turn left onto the main
street and turn at the next right.  Follow the same road until you are in the
airport and you will see the cars lined up and waiting for you to get there.

STREET RACE #2 (OCEAN DRIVE): From the mansion, take the main road east and
cross the bridge into Vice Point.  Keep going across the smaller bridge and
take the left.  You should come to a 5-way intersection, and look sort of
across and to the right from where you are, to see the cars waiting.

STREET RACE #3 (BORDER RUN): From Sunshine Autos turn right on the main road
until you get to and intersection.  Turn left and go around the bend to find
the cars waiting for you there.

STREET RACE #4 (CAPITAL CRUISE): From the mansion, take the main road east and
cross the bridge into Vice Point.  Make a quick left to find the cars waiting.

STREET RACE #5 (TOUR!): From the mansion, take the main road east and cross the
bridge into Vice Point.  Make a quick left and travel a little ways past the
start of the last race to find the cars waiting.

STREET RACE #6 (V.C. ENDURANCE): From Sunshine Autos, head out onto the street
to see it starts right there.

SUNSHINE AUTOS: From the mansion, take the main road west and over the bridge
into Little Havana.  Turn left on the highway and right on the next right turn.
Turn right again and follow it until you see Sunshine Autos on you right hand
side.

TEST TRACK: From the mansion, take the main road west and over the bridge into
Little Havana.  Turn right on the highway, and follow it north all the way into
downtown.  Follow the road right when the highway splits, and follow it all the
way to a T-intersection.  Take a right and go straight off the road and you
will be on the test track.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                       4.8 Requirements For Getting 100%
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Complete - All Story Missions
         - All Extra Missions
         - All Odd Jobs
         - All 100 Hidden Packages
         - All Rampages
         - All Unique Jumps
         - All Properties Purchased
         - All Stores Robbed

Rewards for getting 100% (Contributed by MadMaxL004@aol.com): I just completed
100%, useful bit of info - in other guides it doesn't say this...when u
complete 100% u get 3 limos parked outside your mansion, plus 200 health and
armor and 3 body guards, they await in the room to your left when u come down
the stairs from your save point.  (Contributed by Bilbo70000) Vehicles get
double health as well.  Once you get 100%, another outfit appears at your
mansion, named "Frankie."  It is a white shirt and jeans, and the shirt says "I
completed Vice City and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt."  It is located in
the upper room.  (Thanks to Jesse Procknow)  I have some quick info on the
Frankie outfit you get after getting 100%, in the mid 1980's their was a band
named "Frankie goes to Hollywood", they started printing t-shirts as a part of
their marketing campaign so they wont become a one hit wonder w/ their song
"relax".  And on one of their t-shirts its says on the front "Frankie says" and
on the back it says "relax".  it looks exactly like the 100% outfit, but with
different words, this might be why they call it "Frankie".  (Thanks to Anthony
Taormina)  When you complete 100% of the game, every weapon gets unlimited
ammo. The strange thing is, if you use a grenade with detonator and try blowing
it(after having completed 100% of the game) the grenade will explode, but you
can't change your weapon to another but the detonator, and you stay with it and
when you press O again nothing happens.  (Thanks to stecious) hey, I recently
got 100% and I saw in your guide it says in the 100% completion reward section,
how it says u get 3 limos parked outside your mansion, this is a lie, or else
it hasn't happened in my game, and I have been visiting my mansion often after
I had done 100%. I would also like to point out, that when u get 100%, a hunter
is occasionally parked at the helipad just south of the strip club in vice city
east.  (Thanks to elvendale) This is incorrect. Regardless if you have 100% or
not and regardless if you have all 100 packages or not, if you beat the game,
the Hunter will become available at the helipad at the southern most tip of the
eastern island (south of the hotel). I have found that your odds of seeing the
Hunter there are greatest if you drive a police vehicle there. (This includes
police cars, tanks, and everything in between). Just thought you should know
*thumbs up*  (Thanks to Deymus) I Just wanted to point out on your FAQ, when
you get 100% Completion, the bodyguards aren't exactly for free. I think of
them more as mercenaries because they cost $2000 before you can press him into
active duty. In case you didn't know, they are armed Uz-I (like other fellow
allied gang members) and have body armor cause they stood up to 2 and sometimes
even 3 shots from a Colt Python! That's strong!  Hope you take this into
account on your FAQ.  (Thanks to Victor Li)

===============================================================================

                              -= 5.0 Story =-

===============================================================================

Having just made it back onto the streets of Liberty City after a long stretch
in maximum security, Tommy Vercetti is sent to Vice City by his old boss, Sonny
Forelli. They were understandably nervous about his re-appearance in Liberty
City, so a trip down south seemed like a good idea. But all does not go
smoothly upon his arrival in the glamorous, hedonistic metropolis of Vice City.
He's set up and is left with no money and no merchandise. Sonny wants his money
back, but the biker gangs, Cuban gangsters, and corrupt politicians stand in
his way. Most of Vice City seems to want Tommy dead. His only answer is to
fight back and take over the city himself.

As a major gateway to South America and the Caribbean and attracting migrants,
Vice City is brimming with driverse characters, so there's a friend for
everyone. It is a sociable place and the new guy in town is sure to meet all
manner of friendly people in the sunshine capital of America. Athletes, pop
stars, real estate developers, politicians, trailer trash, everyone is moving
to Vice City to find out what makes it the number one growth city in America.
But, as Tommy quickly finds out, trust is still the rarest of commodities.

GTA: Vice City is not a sequel to GTA3. It's not a prequel either. Vice City is
it's own game and story. It takes place in Miami, Florida (nicknamed Vice City)
in the 1980s. You play as Tommy Vercetti, a former low-level mobster for the
Forelli brothers, who has recently been released from an extended sentence in
prison. He was busted during a drug operation and got a 15-year sentence. For
not ratting out the Forellis, Sonny Forelli has rewarded Tommy by sending him
to Vice City to expand the Forelli criminal empire. Tommy's first big deal goes
terribly wrong, and he quickly discovers that he has lost the cash that the
Forellis had entrusted to him for their Vice City crime operations. Sonny
Forelli is not at all happy by this news, and demands that Tommy get the money
back. Through his relationship with Ken Rosenberg, a shady lawyer with huge
connections in the Vice City underworld, Tommy finds himself a bit of luck.
Rosenberg aids Tommy by outfitting him with a sweet pastel suit and giving him
an invitation to a boat party - one that many big bosses of the Vice City
criminal community will be attending. What happens next has not yet been
revealed. It's safe to say that you will face betrayals and double-crosses as
you earn back the money.

===============================================================================

                             -= 6.0 Characters =-

===============================================================================

There are whole new sets of characters in this game.  Forget the GTA3 ones,
they will not help.  I will go over who you are, and your costumes, and then
your bosses and then the gangs.  Well, here we go.  If you know any more
information about any of the characters, especially the gangs, please e-mail
me!!

---------------
6.1 Characters
---------------

Alex Shrub
   -Gender: Male
   -Build: Average
   -Facts:
      - Extreme Right Wing congressman.
      - Happily married.
      - Known philanderer.
      - Will do anything for votes.
      - Power obsessed.  Usual politician.
      - Expected to go very far.
      - Cross dresser (Thanks to TrazmaSanders)

Auntie Poulet
   -Voice: Miss Cleo, actual name: Youree Cleomill Harris (Thanks to Tim E
Erbele)


Avery Carrington
   -Voice: Burt Reynolds (thanks to Rick Chandler)
   -Gender: Male
   -Build: Average
   -Facts:
      - Texan property magnate and real estate developer.
      - Likes to talk about his father.  The good ol' days.
      - Extreme Capitalist.
      - Suspected of doing anything to manipulate property prices and
      land value, including, but not limited to, arson, rioting,
      bribery, intimidation, murder.
      - Always wears a cowboy hat.
      - Believed to be involved in several developments and slum-
      clearance programs.
      - Known guest of Cortez.
      - Uses Ken Rosenberg for legal advice - possibly weak link?
      - Hair suspected to be fake.

Buddy

BJ Jone's Loan Shark
   -Voice: Lawrence Taylor
   -Gender: Male
   -Build: Big/Muscular
   -Facts: - Former star Tight End for the Vice City Mambas.
           - Very successful career in pro football, but haunted
           problems off the field.
           - Famous for hunting opponents.  Now runs a celebrity
           endorsed used car lot, which is believed to be a front.
           - Thought to sell stolen vehicles.
           - Believed to be heavily in debt with loan sharks and is now
           doing anything for money.

Cam Jones
   -Facts: -Claims to be an expert safe cracker
           -Confirmed kleptomaniac
           -Believed to be working with Cassidy

Candy Suxx (Candice Shrand)
   -Voice: Jenna Jameson (Thanks to Tim E Erbele)
   -Facts: -Woman of extremely ill repute.
           -Possible involvement in blackmailing politicians
           -Never seems to get cold.

Capo

Colonel Cortez
   -Build: Average
   -Gender: Male
   -Facts: - Cultural Attache.
           - Has diplomatic immunity - bear this in mind when bugging
           his house.
           - Has somehow survived up to 30 coups in his native country.
           - Likes to eat endangered species.  Considers this to be
           fine living.
           - Lives with his daughter.  Widower.
           - Long term dislike for French secret service.
           - Believed to facilitate trade with all areas of criminal
           activity, including, but not limited to, narcotics,
           firearms, weapons, and military secrets.
           - In own county, has been sentenced to death 9 times, but
           always survives and gets promoted.



Eugene
-Facts: -Possible way to Leo Teal.
        - Leo Teal's other lover.
        - Interior designer and restaurant owner.
        - Likes knives.
        - Likes Thailand.
        - Likes the beach.


Georgio Forelli
-Facts: -Italian-American criminal.
        -Current case is going to trial, thought to be certain.
        -Related to Liberty City organized crime family.
        -Cross dresser.


Gonzales
   -Build: Heavy/Stocky
   -Gender: Male
   -Facts: - Works for Colonel Juan Garcia Cortez in various
           capacities.
           - Diplomatic immunity - part if cultural affairs division of
           San Dominican consulate, where Cortez in Cultural Attache.
           Believed Gonzales' visa what issued as Health and Fitness
           Commission.
           - Greedy - known to take bribes; could try bribing to find
           out more about Cortez' operation.
           - Has been seen leaving property of Diaz without Cortez.
           Possible weakness in organization.
           - More information needed on Cortez.  Gonzales has problems
           with his weight.
           - Formerly very active in Vice City under world.  Now spends
           a lot of time in his penthouse, away from Cortez.

Hilary King
   -Gender: Male
   -Build: Heavy
   -Facts: - Expert driver believed to have worked with Cam Jones and
           Phil Cassidy.
           - Neurotic.
           - Compulsive eater.
           - Psychological profiling reveals obsession with abandonment
           issues.
           - Ginger.
           - Hilary King comes from a stable family background.

Ice Cream Lady
-Facts: - Psychiotic distributor of soft ice cream.
        - Business known to be a front.
        - We are as yet unable to determine what it is fronting.
        - Maude Hanson runs company.
        - Believed to be a sociopath who once ran a children's home.
        - The ice-cream lady sells Ice-cream sprinkled in drugs or
          something (I'm not too sure how, but I know she sells drugs)
          (Thanks to Insanation for the last information)

Jack Howitzer

Ken Roseburg
   -Voice: William Fichtner (Thanks to Danny Bronstein)
   -Gender: Male
   -Build: Small/Weak
   -Facts: - Partner at Rosenberg & Associates legal firm.
           - Suspected problem with narcotics and egomania.
           - Believed to be developing contacts with Liberty City mob.
           - Suspected of cheating in Law school exams.
           - Believed to have employed heavies on numerous occasions to
           intimidate and corrupt juries.
           - Very poor success rate in trials.
           - "Blue Chip" clients include Georgio Forreli.  Cousin of
           Liberty City crime boss, Sonny.
           - Always desperate for money.

Lance Vance
   -Voice: Phillip Michael Tomas (Thanks to Tim E Erbele)
   -Gender: Male
   -Build: Muscular
   -Facts: - Works with you in Vice City.
           - Recently arrived in town with his brother.
           - Asks a lot of questions.
           - Trained helicopter pilot.
           - Believed to be in narcotics trade.
           - Heard mouthing off in a lot of nightclubs.
           - Believed to get aggressive or needy when he drinks.
           - Possibly emotionally insecure.

Love Fist

Paul from Kent
   -Gender: Male
   -Build: Small
   -Facts: - "Kent Paul" is believed to be an assumed name.  Real name
           unknown.
           - Also known as "KP", "Paulo" and "Kent".
           - English Youth.
           - Claims to work in music business.  No known employment.
           - Claims to be a criminal mastermind.
           - No criminal record found yet.
           - Known to have made contact with biker gangs, but believed
           to have fallen out with Biker's gang.
           - Pathological liar.
           - Nasty clothes.
           - Suspected narcotics addiction.
           - Seems to have contacts in certain SWAT divisions.

Pastor Richards
   -Gender: Male
   -Build: Average
   -Facts: - Possible Polygamist.
           - Hates people who help others.
           - Fervent anti-communist.
           - Obsessed with nuclear winter.
           - Hateful human being, but menace to society uncertain at
           present.
           - Maniac firebrand preacher, obsessed with money.
           - Has written several awful books.  All completely
           fabricated.  Most given away.
           - Obsessed with degenerates.
           - Has been campaigning to build a large statue in his own
           image.
           - Has been attempting to bribe officials at NASA for rocky
           technology.
           - Believed to be embezzling money from the fund for a
           private mansion in Hawaii.

Leo Teal
   -Facts: - Possible connection with Mr. Black.
           - Very complicated personal life.
           - Works in restaurant business.
           - Communications expert.
           - Haven't been able to get a working tap on his phones.
           - Believed to be working as a hitman in Vice City.
           - Possible involvement in narcotics trade.

Mercedes Cortez
   -Voice: Fairuza Balk (Thanks to Tim E Erbele)
   -Facts: - Daughter of Colonel Cortez.
           - Likes to party.

"Big" Mitch Baker
   -Voice: Lee Majors (Thanks to Tim E Erbele)
   -Gender: Male
   -Build: Tall
   -Facts:
      - Vietnam veteran, turned motorbike enthusiast.  Won Purple Heart
      for killing a village full of Vietcong and being injured.
      Extreme bitterness at trement of veterans has led to violent
      clashes with authority.
      - Jailed on 13 occasions.
      - Lawless degenerate sociopath.
      - Loves bar sports, fighting, pinball, pool, eating live animals,
      hard rock music, wrestling, racing motorbikes, urinating in
      public places, scaring police.
      - Believed to have implicated in several civil disturbances.
      - Runs local gang of bikers. Believed to be implicated in
      Narcotics distribution.
      - Extreme loyalty within gang.
      - Initiation rituals preclude getting man on inside.
      - Known loathing for soft rock, communists, and wigs.

Moweesha
   -Facts: - Involved in dubious practice with Teal and several other
             men.
           - Thought to be paid company.
           - Involved in bizarre practices with Leo Teal and a manatee.

Mr. Black
   -Facts: - Nothing is known about this man.
           - Eager to find out more.
           - Believed to be involved in running hitman business.
           - No further info.


Pedro Garcia
   -Facts: - Involved in violent gun-running.
           - Buying weapons from out of state and selling them on the
             streets.
           - Believed to be a rival of Phil Cassidy.

Phil Cassidy
   -Voice: Gary Busey
   -Gender: Male
   -Build: Average
   -Facts: - Linked to "Cam" Jones.  Jones and Cassidy believed to have
          worked together numerous times although Cassidy has avoided
          conviction.
          - Degenerate.
          - Patriot.
          - Cassidy claims to have served in various divisions although
          Army records show he was repeatedly rejected for service
          because of drunkenness and an unsuitable temperament for
          combat.
          - Redneck arms dealer.
          - Believed to be involved in weapons trade.
          - Gun enthusiast.  Member in various second amendment
          organizations and various Vice City gun clubs.
          - Sources suggest he also distills boomshine in own stills.
          - Fighting war with Mexican gun-running gangs.
          - Phil Cassidy shot his arm off some how.  You also said that
            he went to his personal physician.  He actually went to an
            old army surgeon and he was going to blow something up
            because he was drunk on boomshine, but the batteries were
            dead and he had some on what he was going to blow up.  When
            he replaced the batteries he accidentally pulled the
            trigger and blew his arm off.  The mission was "Boomshine
            Saigon" (Thanks to Mike)

Ricardo Diaz
   -Voice: Luis Guzman
   -Gender: Male
   -Build: Heavy/Stocky
   -Facts: - Extremely dangerous.
           - Bribed INS for Green Card in 1978.  Entered the country
           from Columbia.
           - Contacts in Columbia believe he is a major player in
           narcotics industry and anti-government activity.
           - Extremely popular philanthropist.  Gives various Ricardo
           Diaz foundations across Vice City and Central and South
           America.  All are believe to be a front.
           - Extremely short and is believed to suffer from Napoleon
           complex.
           - Medical records show he has over-active glands and sweats
           more than is socially acceptable.
           - Gun collector.  Always armed.
           - Has private army/militia and is heavily guarded at all
           times.
           - Has been involved in long running battle for control of
           narcotics business in Vice City.
           - Known to have bribed police and officials within the town.
           - Feared due to reputation for unpredictable behavior.
           - Thought to be responsible for 18 murders.

Sonny Forelli
   -Voice: Tom Sizemore (Thanks to Tim E Erbele)
   -Gender: Male
   -Build: Average
   -Facts: - Head of the Forreli crime family.
           - Major crime family in Liberty City.
           - Believed to have major influence in racketeering,
           gambling, union trouble, corruption and prostitution.
           - Came to power young.
           - Thought to have ordered several mob killings, including
           Harewood incident.
           - Only minor charges have ever struck.  Thought to be
           interested in entering narcotics trade, traditionally a no
           go area for Liberty City mob.
           -Phone records reveal calls to home address of Ken
           Rosenberg.
           - Notoriously poor taste in clothes.

Steve Scott
   -Voice: Dennis Hopper (Thanks to Tim E Erbele)
   -Gender: Male
   -Build: Average
   -Facts: A film director with an unnatural obsession with sharks and
mountains of mashed potatoes, Steve Scott has been spotted at various
parties with organized crime.  Rumors say he's seeking any money he can
get to finance his next big film. (Thanks to Brady Games)

Tommy Vercetti
   -Voice: Ray Liotta
   -Gender: Male
   -Build: Average
   -Facts:
      -Tommy is the main character who you play as.
      - Works for Sonny Forreli.
      - Worked in Liberty City after long stretch in maximum security.
      - Understandably nervous about a reappearance in Liberty City so
      a trip down south seemed like a good idea.
      - Tommy is left in Vice City with no money or merchandise.
      - Tommy wants his money back but Cuban gangsters, biker gangs,
      and corrupt politicians stand in his way.
      - Most of Vice City seems to want Tommy dead.
      - His only solution is to fight back and take over the city
      himself.

Umberto Robina
   -Voice: Danny Trejo
   -Gender: Male
   -Build: Heavy
   -Facts: - Cuban warlord.
           - Long term feud with Haitian criminals. Wants control turf.
           - Extreme macho man.
           - Wants to wage full scale war with Haitians.
           - Never implicated in a crime personally.
           - Bravery has been questioned with Cuban circles.

----------
6.2 Gangs
----------

-Bikers
Nationality: American
Leader: "Big" Mitch Baker
Turf: By the biker bar, which is also known as the Greasy Chopper
Vehicle: Angel (Thanks to TrazmaSanders)
Clothes: Leather jackets, jeans, always on motorcycles, never walking around.
Weapons: Colt 45
(Thanks to psychotic_34@hotmail.com for some of this information)

-Colombians
Nationality: Colombian
Leader: Ricardo Diaz
Turf: Diaz's mansion
Vehicle: none
Clothes: White pants, Hawaiian T-shirt
Weapons: Uzi, pistol
(Thanks to Dan M219)

-Cubans
Nationality: Cuban
Leader: Umberto Robina
Turf: Little Havana
Vehicle: Cuban Hermes
Clothes: White-T-shirts with blue caps
Weapons: Pistols, Fists.

-Haitians
Nationality: Haitian
Leader: Auntie Poulet
Turf: Little Haiti
Vehicle: Voodoo
Clothes: Blue T-Shirt, or Lilac T-Shirt
Weapons: Pistols, Fists.

-Handlers
Nationality: Mexican
Leader: ?
Turf: Escobar International Airport, North Point Mall
Vehicle: Baggage Handlers
Clothes: Blue DSB Security Uniform
Weapons: Colt 45, Fists.
(Thanks to RyGuyPlus for this information)

-Golfers
Nationality: ?
Leader: ?
Turf: Leaf Links
Vehicle: Caddies
Clothes: Golf Outfit
Weapons: Golf Clubs
(Thanks to nonneman for the idea)

-Port Autorities
Nationality: African-American
Leader: ?
Turf: Viceport
Vehicle: Packer, Mule
Clothes: Blue Jumpsuits, Small Afros, Blue Bandanas
Weapons: Fists
(Thanks to RyGuyPlus for this information)

-Sharks
Nationality: American
Leader: ?
Turf: North Point Mall, Prawn Island
Vehicle: Gang Burrito
Clothes: Leather Jacket with picture of Shark on the back
Weapons: Colt 45, Fists.

-Street Wannabees
Nationality: ?
Leader: ?
Turf: North Point Mall
Vehicle: ?
Clothes: Dressed like characters from River City Ransom. (Thanks to nonneman)
Weapons: Pistols, Fists
(Turf and weapons thanks to paul mcgee)

-Vercettities
Nationality: American
Leader: Tommy Vercetti
Turf: Vice City
Vehicle: ALL
Clothes: Blue or Red Button Shirt with White Pants
Weapons: Uzi 9mm, M4, Fists
(Thanks to RyGuyPlus for this information)

===============================================================================

                       -= 7.0 Missions Walkthrough =-

===============================================================================

This is what the majority of the FAQ will be about.  I will TRY to update ASAP,
but I can't guarantee anything, but I will take questions about the game.  I
will know more about the missions and such then it appears on the FAQ.  They
are all pretty straight forward, if you have an alternate way, e-mail it to me
and I will post it ASAP.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                 7.1 Ken Robinson
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

7.1.1 - Mission 1: "AN OLD FRIEND"
Reward: $0

Just take this time to explore if you want and when you're ready, go to your
hotel safe house and talk to Sonny. Then a (L) blip will come on your radar,
follow your way to that to Ken Rosenberg's office and the first mission, that
you do for money anyway.

7.1.2 - Mission 2: "THE PARTY"
Reward: $100

All you have to do here is talk to Rosenberg and go get on your new clothes at
Rafael's. Then make your way to the Colonel's yacht. After a lengthy cut scene
you will need to take Cortez's daughter, Mercedes to "Pole Position", the strip
club. After dropping her off you complete the mission. Oh, and the Soiree Suit
is now available as a clothes change.

7.1.3 - Mission 3: "BACK ALLEY BRAWL"
Reward: $200

First go see Kent Paul at the Malibu Club, he will inform you about a chef. Go
meet that chef in an alleyway and slaughter him up. Doing this is rather easy.
Then take his downed Cell-Phone. After that, you will confront Lance, after a
scene, some chef's are chasing you around, don't bother killing them, just run
towards Lance's car and hop in, wait for Lance to hop in and take off towards
AmmuNation. Then return to your Hotel safe house to complete the mission.

7.1.4 - Mission 4: "JURY FURY"
Reward: $400

After you get out of his office, a car will speed past you and hit a guy, and
he drops a hammer.  Take the hammer and the car and head towards one of the
yellow blips on you radar.

For the first one, go to the triangle blip and you will see a Sentinel, but no
juror.  Use the hammer to smash up the car, and the juror will come out, see
the car and flee.  One down.

For the next one, follow the blip to the Ocean Beach Restaurant.  Hit him to
make him go into his vehicle, and he will crash into a truck.  Open his door,
take him out, and beat him into submission.  You can also just beat up his car
and that will do the trick.  There is 400 dollars in your pocket.  Head back to
Rosenberg for his last mission.

7.1.5 - Mission 5: "RIOT"
Reward: $1000, Coveralls available at Tooled Up, and Avery Carrington's
missions are available

This is a difficult mission. First head over to Rafael's to change into
overalls.  Not much of a strategy can be said, just skill. The easiest way I
found out to do was, drive a car into the gates running over most the workers,
then drive into the back of the lot and hop in one of the vans on the LEFT and
rapidly ram it back and forth into the other van. One will start flaming and
park them next to each other. That will take 2 of the vans out and now head for
the third van and drive it out of the compound area and ram it into walls till
it flames. Let it blow and there, you have it.

Here is an additional strategy from Zany
----------------------------------------

Of course get the overalls and then go to where they are rioting. See those big
box trucks. Well steal one of those that are out on the street and then drive
it into where the riot is. They open the gates and just let you in. Drive over
a lot but not all of the workers. Once the gates are open the workers will rush
the guards. Now get all of the trucks to the right side. There is a barrel over
there u can shoot. Then run what workers are left won't like u and what guards
are left wont like u but they will be to busy hitting each other to hit you.

Alternate Strategy from Ben Bird
--------------------------------
An easier way to do the 'Riot' mission is as follows: (this is using the weapon
cheat so if you don't want to use it, that's understandable. First, use one of
the three weapons cheats (r1, r2, l1, r2, left, down, right, up, left, down,
down, left is the best in this case). Next go to the fight scene, kill a few
people with a weapon, then blow up the trucks with the rocket launcher and hey
presto, there you have it.

Alternate Strategy from Robert Brown
------------------------------------
I was just reading your guide. It's pretty good. I have an alternate strategy
to the Riot Mission. Very simple. No cheating. All you need is a pistol and a
bat or nightstick. Get your coverall out fit. Go to the scene. You have to take
out 3 of the workers to start the riot. Just pick a guy in the back and kill
him with the bat. Move on to the next guy etc until the riot starts. AS long as
you are in the back you won't be attacked as the riot rushes forward. You can
walk into the gate untouched once the fighting begins. Target the armed guard
when prompted to do so and take him out. Drive the truck that is on the left
into the empty spot beside the other two. Walk back across the lot and turn and
you can auto target the red barrel. Shoot it. It explodes. All three trucks
explode. At this time most of the workers and guards have killed one another
and you get some easy money a gun pick-ups before leaving. This is not a
difficult mission.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                            7.2 Colonel Cortez
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

7.2.1 - Mission 1: "TREACHEROUS SWINE"
Reward: $250, Casual Outfit delivered to Gash

This is a fairly easy mission. Cortez has found the person who set you up. Go
to Gonzalez's abode and confront him. Kill his 2 guards first, and then chase
Gonzalez on foot. Once you kill him you will have 2 wanted level stars. Hurry
up and get in the Cheetah from the hotel's parking lot and drive to the Pay 'n'
Spray North of you in Vice Point. After painting the car you complete the
mission.

7.2.2 - Mission 2: "MALL SHOOTOUT"
Reward: $500

Head to AmmuNation and pick up some body armor and a gun. Then head to the
Washington Mall. When you confront the courier, the SWAT bursts in. Simply
follow the courier out of the mall, avoiding the cops and SWAT.  You will get a
Level 2 Wanted Level, so they will be after you.  He will get a vehicle, most
likely a motorcycle, and take off. Hop in a car and ram into him until he wipes
out. Then kill the bastard if not dead and take the chips from him. Before you
head back to Cortez, get to a Pay N' Spray to rid yourself of your wanted
level.  Get the chips back to Colonel and get $500.

Alternate Strategy from Brian McElwain
--------------------------------------
In the mission where you have to smash all the windows in the north point mall
the best way to speed things up is to steal the Infernus in display and go for
a joy ride and smashing all ground floor windows in the process...then shoot
out the upper level windows since you cannot drive up the escalators.

7.2.3 - Mission 3: "GUARDIAN ANGELS"
Reward: $1000

This is a difficult mission. First go get the Ruger at the car pack and meet
Lance. You two will go meet Ricardo Diaz and make sure a drug deal doesn't go
bad. When it does, the Haiti will take out Diaz's 2 guards and start attacking
him. Simply pick them off one by one. If you look behind you, cars and vans
will drop more gang members off; try to pick them off when they are being
dropped off. Lance will also yell for help, just disregard this; the gang never
gets him, rarely. If you are lucky enough, Diaz will survive. After those thugs
are dead, 2 Cuban gang members on Sanchez's will swipe the money. Lance kills
one of them and knocks him off his bike. Run over and grab the bike and follow
the other Cuban through the alleys. Be careful and use you drive by skills to
shoot at him in front of you. Once you knock him off the bike and kill him,
grab the money and take it back to Diaz. Now you have him as an ally and get
your $1000 reward.

Alternate Strategy from Daniel Filipe
-------------------------------------
I've got an additional strategy for the mission " Guardian Angels ".

The problem was too many people in my area (Vice City is really big here) had
loads of problems with this mission, so I got a really simple way of getting to
it, without much concern.

First, to the parking lot, get the machinegun and meet Diaz with
Lance.  Then, take your position, go up to the edge of the platform and crouch
down, draw your machinegun and go into 1st person mode. Then the deal will go
off and the Haitians will appear.

When the first car appears, target the driver and then fire in a straight line
to the other side and you usually get a head shot into the other gangster. Then
another car will pop up from behind the first. Kill the passenger first (the
other one usually gets silenced by Diaz) and now aim for the street. A van will
appear, and the driver will come out.  Instead of killing him, aim for the back
of the van and when the 3 guys come out, take them all with some fast shootin'.
Now go down the stairs, and wait for the other car that pops out from the left
street to stop there. Kill the men that come out (the driver first) and then
SOMETIMES (in the PC version at least) another car still appears in the right
street again. Kill both men that exit, and then that will trigger the cut scene
with the motorbikes and the stolen money.

Now here is the trick. Get the motorbike, BUT DONT FOLLOW THE OTHER ONE
TROUGHT THE ALLEYS! Instead, go a little back into the road, turn left and the
right and follow the open road there. You should catch up with the other one
really soon. Now, get a car...there's usually one parked halfway through out
the road. Get into it, and speed up. The motorbike will soon enter the open
road and now just come out from behind, sneak on it, speed up, and take out the
driver. Grab the money and bring it back to Diaz...quite simples, and you don't
have to do that boring and hard chase through out the alleys.

Hope it helps!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                              7.3 Ricardo Diaz
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

7.3.1 - Mission 1: "THE CHASE"
Reward: $1000

This is another fairly easy mission if you play it safe. Make your way to the
thug's house and look through his window, he will see you. Chase him to the
rooftop and be quick about it. He will fire at you in a cut scene and that's
all. Do not shoot at him. Make your way across the rooftops and don't fall off
the narrow planks. Once he hops in his getaway vehicle, grab the nearby Faggio.
Trail the BF Injection to the thug's house safely and don't worry about the
thug firing at you though. Just don't get too close. Once you see the thug's
hideout the mission is over and you get $1000.

7.3.2 - Mission 2: "PHNOM PEHN '86"
Reward: $2000

In this mission, you need to go back to the hideout that you saw at the end of
the last mission.  You get a ride from a helicopter with the pilot being
"Quintin", really an alias for Lance.  You will have an M60 (Hell yeah!) and he
will stop in mid air by the hideout so you can kill people.  Shoot all the guys
in one area, and the driver will move to the next.  Move quickly, the
helicopter doesn't have unlimited health and if the helicopter's health is
empty, then you fail the mission.  A very easy way is to ALWAYS shoot the
explosive barrels if there are any because it will help.  After you killed all
of the guys around the building, you will be able to enter the building as the
helicopter sets you down by the door.  Enter in and shoot right away at those
guys.  They can kill you pretty easily and you don't want to mess around with
them.  After you killed the guys on both levels, head up the stairs, kill the
guard at the door, and proceed to the rooftop.  There you will find the cash in
a briefcase.  When you get it, the helicopter will pick you up again and you
will be taken back to the mansion, for a nice price of $2000 dollars.  You can
proceed with his missions, but let's finish Cortez's missions first.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                        7.2 Colonel Cortez (Continued)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

7.2.4 - Mission 1: "SIR, YES SIR!"
Reward: $2000

Ooh, this is actually really easy.  You have to retrieve a tank and bring it
back.  So follow the red blip.  Once you catch up to it, you need to block the
convoy that is blocking it and snipe out everyone that you can.  Make sure you
snipe the turret!  After you do that, do to the driver's side of the Tank,
smash it open with a melee weapon, and man the Tank.  The military will then
activate the self-destruct mechanism.  That is your queue to get the hell out
of there and fast.  Quickly take the tank back to the storage facility to
complete the mission.  Time for the last mission for Cortez.

Kobus de Villiers had an alternate way
--------------------------------------

"There is a much easier way to do this.  Once you catch up with the convoy,
just jog along on the left side.  The convoy will halt at the doughnut shop for
refreshments.  The driver goes out, so the tank is open.  Just get in and drive
away, it's very close to the garage, so no problem getting there in time and
completing it without a problem."

Here is another method by Justin Miller
---------------------------------------

"Simply drive a vehicle in front of the tank from the left side. The procession
will stop.  You get out of your vehicle, jack the tank like any other vehicle,
and drive the tank to the drop spot.  There is really no need to shoot anyone
or wait for the army to get doughnuts.
I realize that this is just another way of attaining the same result but
jacking the tank just like any other vehicle in GTAVC seems to me like the way
to go.  In keeping with the spirit of GTAVC, I do not believe that you should
ever advise players to wait for someone to abandon a vehicle in order to steal
it ;o) It's yours.  Just take it.
Thanks for your time."

7.2.5 - Mission 2: "ALL HANDS ON DECK"
Reward: $5000

Lots of money for this one.  It is an escort mission, and those are never easy.
But it is by boat, and you will be ambushed on all sides of the boat.  They are
the French military trying to get their chips back.  You won't let them will
you?  You need to kill everyone who tries to attack the boat.  After you kill
the boats to the side of you, there will be a bunch of ships blocking you from
the front.  Unload on them also.  When the helicopters arrive, you MUST destroy
them.  If you don't guys will board the boat FOREVER, until you destroy the
helicopters.  Finally, an Apache shows up.  Uh oh.  This helicopter will start
unloading bullets at the ship.  Just keep firing at the ship and eventually it
will come down.  There are health and bullets icons on the upper deck, just in
case.  If you haven't destroyed all of the ships blocking the yacht, do that
now.  Then the colonel will sail away.  $5000 dollars!  Yay!  That was your
last mission for Cortez, I would suggest doing some side missions and getting
some property.  But,
I will continue on with the missions.

Alternate Strategy from Andreas Blankert
----------------------------------------
When you arrive at the Marina where the mission is, drive to the second gate,
which should be open now. Park your car in the middle of it and then run to the
other gate in the pink glow to start the mission. Now the French men that
arrive and go after you will fall in the water and you can enjoy the view for a
while.  The rest of the mission is just blow away, but it makes the start a low
easier without having to run around the boat trying to hit those moving
targets.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                          7.3 Ricardo Diaz (Continued)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

7.3.3 - Mission 1: "THE FASTEST BOAT"
Reward: $4000

In this mission, he wants you to raid a dock to get a new boat that is
supposedly the fastest of all the boats.  I wonder why we wants it so bad...you
will see in the next mission.  Follow the red blip to the docks in the far
south part of Viceport.  The boat is in the air because of a small crane
holding it up.  You need to get to the controls and lower it.  Shoot your way
in and kill all the guys, and trigger the switch to lower the boat.  There will
be more guys on the way to the boat, and as soon as you enter it, you are
greeted with a three star wanted level.  Drive, with your boat, back to Diaz's
mansion, and try to avoid fire from the helicopters and avoid the police boats.
It isn't too difficult.  Head into the pink circle to finish the mission.  One
more mission for the rich bastard.

I have gotten several e-mails about the door to the boathouse with the switches
for the crane being locked.  I don't remember the doors being locked, so I
can't help you guys out.  I looked through other people's walkthroughs and they
have the same thing.  I don't know what is wrong, but I will try to find out.
If anyone has any idea what I'm talking about and has the solution PLEASE E-
MAIL ME so I can answer these people's questions.

Contributed by Thomas Finney
----------------------------

FYI I got past it thanks for the reply from looking around it appears to be a
glitch in the scripting.... (maybe it is caused by cheats) I restarted the game
no problem... just you just have to start over.

Here is a good solution from Mrmtallica@aol.com
-----------------------------------------------
This is about the "fastest boat mission", my game also had the problem of the
boatyard doors being locked, but I found a resourceful solution. I don't know
why they are locked in the first place, but they were. Get a helicopter from
the place with the garages you buy in downtown (I don't remember the name) and
take the helicopter to the location of the boat. Land the helicopter on top of
the boat and exit the helicopter. Then you enter the boat and it falls, without
the switch being hit. Problem solved. Hopefully this helps.

Another good solution from Mike07104@aol.com
--------------------------------------------

This is for the "fastest boat mission." I have a better way to get into the
boat.  I don't know why but in my game the garage is also locked.  What I did
was get behind the cage where the boat is. I got as close as possible.  Then I
pressed triangle (to get in car, helicopter, boat, etc.  When I did this it
automatically put me in the boat and lowered it.  All I did then was leave.

Another problem solved thanks to johan
--------------------------------------
In Ricardo Diaz's mission "The Fastest Boat", after you release the boat from
the crane sometimes you can't get the boat to move. It happens to me in my
game, but not in my brother's game. But I found a way to remedy this, just
crouch down (L3 button) in front of the steering wheel and then press Triangle
button as if you're entering a car, then you should be able to drive the boat.

7.3.4 - Mission 2: "SUPPLY & DEMAND"
Reward: $10,000!

Wow! 10,000 bucks!  That is awesome.  But it is not an easy mission.
You have to go to a coke dealer and the first boat there gets the deals.
That's why you have the fastest boat!  This mission is pretty tricky so be
prepared.

Get into the new boat and Lance will join you again.  You will race the others
to the point to get the coke.  Take the LEFT path, not the right; the right
side has too many narrow passageways.  Carefully navigate through the channels,
but go fast enough so you don't lose your lead.  You are faster, so you will
have the lead most of the time.

When you reach the coke dealer, you get to use the nice machine gun.
Yes!  Immediately shoot at the other boats behind you, or hopefully not in
front of you.  After you kill them, or before, Lance will tell you to shoot the
guys on the jetty.  Kill them first; they can do some pretty serious damage to
your boat.  After that, a helicopter will come.  Shoot that down right away as
well, because there is an armed thug on the 'copter.  There is one more boat
ahead of to victory!  I don't recommend blowing this one up because it could
damage your boat too.  Just kill the guys on the boat.  Lance will then drive
you back to the mansion for your $10,000 reward.  That's the last of Diaz, now
off to someone new, Tommy Vercetti.  Wait you are gonna work for yourself?
Yes, you are.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                             7.4. Tommy Vercetti
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(A note on this section, it will be started by Tommy, then you will be working
under Tommy in Diaz's mansion after the first and second mission, so you will
go to the V in the mansion.  They are missions created by you to take control
of Vice City)

7.4.1 - Mission 1: "DEATH ROW"
Reward: $0 (Only money you get is actually a lot of money from bad guys that
you kill, in fact Steve Bond reported that he picked up $11,000!!)-Thanks to
Steve Bond

What??? No money!!  BTW, this is Kent Paul for the first mission, and
Kent Paul was an alias so you will see a K on the map for Tommy's missions.  We
need to rescue Lance now, Diaz kidnapped him, that bastard.  Be prepared to
kick some ass when you get to the alley where the green blip tells you to go.
Kill all the guys to avoid them when coming back through the alley.  Make sure
you do that!!!  Make sure you killed the guy on the crane also.  Once you leave
with Lance, take the Sentinel because if you don't that same Sentinel will be
after you when you are going to the hospital.  There will still be pursuers
however in the form of three Comets filled with enemies, so take the shortest
route the hospital possible to avoid excessive damage from the very dangerous
pursuers.  The mission will be complete when you drop Lance off.  This allows
you to do the next mission.

Alternate Strategy from Michiel van Heuvelen
--------------------------------------------
After getting my car blown up time after time by Diaz' men from ramming me, I
decided to take the dump truck that is also on the junkyard. Now you can slowly
drive to the hospital en let them ram you. This makes the end much more easy.
The only thing is that you have to drive slowly, or the truck will be tipped
over in the corners.

Alternate Strategy from Andrew Jennings
---------------------------------------
First I got a tank by using the cheat code. Then, when you get to the junkyard
where Lance is being held, just run over everybody. After Lance is rescued and
in the tank, just roll on to the hospital. You don't have to worry about the
pursures, cause' when their cars ram the tank, they will explode.

Another Alternate Strategy from Andrew Jennings
-----------------------------------------------
First to do this mission, you will need a helicopter, sniper rifle,
rocket/bazooka launcher, a colt or another one hit kill weapon, and full health
and body armor.  Park the helicopter over in the grass or road by the Malibu,
and when the cut scene ends run get in your helicopter and go to the junkyard.
Right before you get to the junkyard, go to a close rooftop and launch a rocket
at the row of cars at the entrance.  Then get back in your helicopter, and fly
over the junkyard just low enough that you can see everyone, but high enough
that you can't be shot at.  You need to find a place over by the
building where Lance is being held to put your helicopter.  Find a high vantage
point in the junkyard, like the top of the crane, and start shooting everyone
with your colt, since it has auto aiming.  After everyone is out, go to the cut
scene with Lance and get in the helicopter and just fly to the hospital.  Now
you don't have to worry about the pursuers putting you out.

Alternate Strategy from Andreas Blankert
----------------------------------------
When I did the "Guardian Angel" mission, right when it ended and you see Diaz
drive off, run towards the road, his car should be in the middle of it, empty
and doors unlocked.
Just grab it and drive it to one of your garages.
This car is bullet, fire, damage and explosion proof, so there is nothing,
except for flipping over maybe, and that can damage this car. I took this car
and saved Lance by just running over Diaz' men and did drive-by shootings with
my Uzi.

Corrections from Daniel Fomin
-----------------------------
In your Death Row thing, it says Steve Bond got $11,000. This is untrue. Truly,
if you pick up all the money, you'll have $37, 712!!! I did this mission 3 more
times to see if this is the same always, it is, so kill all the guys, pick up
all the money, fail the mission, kill all the guys, pick up all the money, etc.
etc. This process got me more than $500,000! BUT it took me an hour... and I
was bored as hell.

Alternate Strategy from bendman
-------------------------------
I get around by motorcycles all the time, so when I started this mission I had 
a motorcycle.  I was already loaded from previous missions, and it was timed by 
Lance's health, so I was in a hurry.  When I turned down the straightaway that 
leads to the 1 car roadblock, I went as fast as I could and jumped off the back 
when I was about 40' from the guy by the car.  I already had my Uzi out, so as 
soon as I hit the ground I wasted them.  Now I shoot the guy running up from 
the docks, and shoot about 4 people on my way up a ramp thing about 50' in the 
air.  From here I take out everybody with my assault rifle.  Now I go back and 
get my bike from where it crashed by the car, and run over the guy guarding 
lance, then I take off with lance on the bike.  If you usually get around by 
bike in VC, dodging Diaz's men on the way back is easy, just swerve a lot and 
outrun them.

7.4.2 - Mission 2: "RUB OUT"
Reward: 50,000 bucks!!!!

Well, if you do this mission, the reward pretty much pays for the last 2
missions.  Your mission is basically to "rub out" Diaz as payback for
kidnapping Lance.  It starts outside Diaz's mansion on a pink marker.  Lance
will drive up and show you his weapons in his trunk.  Cool.  Make sure you have
full armor and health because you will need it.  Use your M-16 in first person
to target and shoot the guards at the entrance.  But it is locked!  No fear,
head around the west side and enter there.  Head through the maze in the
bushes, killing everyone in your way and entering the mansion.

Climb up the stairs to get to the second floor and to reach Diaz's lair.  You
will have to fight Diaz along with several other guards.  Be careful and watch
your health, and eventually you will prevail.  Diaz isn't that tough.  After
you kill him you will have control of this huge mansion!  Sweeeeeeeetttt!  Oh,
did I mention you also get $50,000 dollars?

7.4.3 - Mission 3: "SHAKEDOWN"
Reward: $2,000, and all assets are now purchasable

Now that you have Diaz's mansion, it is time to start taking over Vice
City.  These next few for Tommy will be self-started, and going to the roof
will start them.  For this mission, you are going to go to a mall and send a
message to some shops by busting all of their windows.  Sounds easy?  Well, you
will have to deal with the cops as well, so it isn't as easy as it sounds.
After you enter the mall, the purple blips will indicate the stores you need to
destroy.  Only when the purple blips go away, you know that you have completed
it.  A good strategy is if the cops are on your trail, go into the store that
needs to be destroyed, and the cops will start shooting the glass, doing the
work for you.  Once you destroy all of the glass windows, you will have
completed the mission, but you will have a wanted level of 5.  Good luck
getting out, but if you get caught or die, you the mission will still be
complete.

Alternate Strategy from Jonathan Plaster
----------------------------------------
I have a different strategy for "the shakedown" mission.  It takes a little
more preparation but I think that it's much easier during the mission.  Before
the mission go and get a motorcycle, (I used the PCJ 600 but anyone would
probably do) and put it in your garage at your mansion. Also stock up on a gun
that you can use while on the motorcycle and get plenty of ammo for it. Now
start your mission and get your motorcycle out of your garage drive to the mall
and drive through the front doors. Once inside you can drive around to the
blips and while on the motorcycle use the L2 or R2 button along with the O
button to shoot out the windows while riding. This way you can get from area to
area quicker and you don't sustain a lot of damage to your health this way, and
it also makes it easier for you to escape after the mission.

7.4.4 - Mission 4: "BAR BRAWL"
Reward: $4000

Once you go to the marker, take the men that you get for this mission to the
yellow blip on the map and you will see some guys out in front.  Take care of
them easily by running the over or doing drive-bys.  BTW, the point of the
mission is to get into the Front Page bar and find out who is supplying their
guards.  After you kill the guards outside, go inside to the pink marker and
the owner will tell you where they come from.  Then a timer starts, don't you
just love timers?  It will give you 5 minutes to kill all of the targets, and
it is not an easy task.  You have to go to the security headquarters in
Washington Beach to kill the rest.  I would suggest the alley next to it.  It
has some stairs so you can snipe them all, or throw some bombs at them.  Once
you kill all of the guys in the parking lot, the last two guys will flee on
their motorcycles.  Follow them and use the nearby police bribe if needed.  Hit
them off of their bikes and run them over in the time limit to complete the
mission.  Pretty hard eh?  Only one more mission for...you.

Alternate strategy from Jake Tomlin
-----------------------------------
In return I've got another strategy for the Bar Brawl mission.  Before you go
to kill the guys outside the bar go and get your car rigged with a bomb by 8
Ball (his shop is down near the port, it's marked on the map.)  Then go and
kill the guards by the bar, speak to the manger, and drive your car to the
security firm.  You've got two choices, either aim the car for the entrance and
bail out, or just drive it in, get out and run away.  When you're a safe
distance then blow the bomb.  All those baddies with the assault rifles are
smudges on the ground.  Admittedly, so are your two thugs, but, hey, they knew
the risks, right?

Alternate Strategy from Andreas Blankert
----------------------------------------
An even easier way to finish this mission without preparation is just go talk
to the manager and then drive north up the same road and turn left where the
blip is. Stop across the street and check out their entrance with all the men
standing with pink arrows above them. Simply fire one rocket in there and
done...
If one survives, just go in there and shoot him.
Alternative option is throw a hand grenade or a Molotov cocktail in there. If
you completed the fire truck mission and you're fireproof it's even easier.
Then just grab a car and follow the bikers and ram them and run over them to
finish the job.

7.4.5 - Mission 5: "COPLAND"
Reward: $10,000, then $5,000 forever, see the bottom of this mission for
details.

Haha, this is a tough mission.  At least there is no timer right?  But it is
definitely hard anyway.  One of your men has screwed up a bombing and you need
to cover it up.  So you think up an intricate plan and that involves changing
into a cop's uniform.  To do that, do anything to get a wanted level.  The
easiest would be to run into their car or run over a lot of people.  Then, head
towards your garage, marked by a yellow blip on your radar, and have the cops
follow you into the garage.  You need at least 2 cops for you and Lance to
change into.  Once you get 2 cops in the garage with you, the door will close,
and then open with you and Lance in police uniforms.  Cool.  Now head over to
the mall in the police car parked outside which is behind the short wall, and
follow the pink marker to find it in the Tarbrush cafe.  That is where you will
plant the bomb.  As soon as you enter the pink marker, dash out as fast as you
can.  The bomb detonates after 5 seconds, and appropriately your wanted level
reaches a small level 5.  Level 5?!?! Holy crap!  Get out of there as fast as
possible and get in your car and drive like you never drove before.  The small,
speedy, and deadly Vice cop cars will be after you, and try to get to your
mansion as fast as possible.  If your car catches on fire, bail out but don't
go towards the cops and don't run in the middle of a street where a high speed
FBI car can kill you.  Just a little advice to help you out.  Once you reach
the mansion, the mission will be complete.  The cool part about this is that
you will find a $5,000 icon on the front porch of your mansion.  It regenerates
once every day.  That's pretty cool huh. (thanks to Mixedbag101@aol.com for a
correction)

CactusJack225@aol.com had a way of escaping easier and it really works well.

"When you are leaving the mall, there is a lower area just outside the doors of
the coffee place.  Down there is a cop bribe that u can get fairly easily.
Thus, you avoid the FBI and have a relatively easy time escaping just 4 stars
then you would 5."

Another method by Lucas
-----------------------

Okay, now.  After getting the cop uniforms, there are two things that can be
done.  If you already have all packages, simply go to the Baxter airbase and
either steal the tank or the Hunter, fly back to the mall, park it near the
police bribe and (this is important) Leave the Door open to the chopper / tank
(I have found that any chopper will do) then enter the mall, set the bomb and
then run for the bribe, grab it and jump into the chopper.  make sure you don't
leave Vance behind because the police choppers show up and the cops start
rappelling down from the choppers (pretty cool).

Then simply fly to the front steps of the mansion and that's it. Easy as pie.
Or in the tank, pretty much the same thing, just drive to the hideout by
driving over anything in your path, I have found the road spikes that cops
throw across the road do not affect the tank's performance....I may have just
been lucky though.

Additional Strategy from Doug
-----------------------------

Here is a near sure-fire way to beat copland easily.  As soon as you start the
mission at your mansion, go up to the roof and get the helicopter.  Fly it down
in front of the mansion.  If Lance didn't follow you up to the roof, or he's
not in front of the mansion when you land, then go inside the mansion to get
him.  Once Lance is outside, get inside the helicopter and make sure Lance gets
in as well.  Then, fly over to the mall.  There is an entrance on the side of
the mall (it's the one that's closest to the store you need to plant the bomb
in).  To the side of this entrance there is an area where you can land the
helicopter (it's the area where you can get the police star).  Once you've
successfully landed your helicopter down there, go about the mission as usual:
get a car, get 2 stars, get in the garage, get the cops uniforms, get the
police car that's next to the garage and drive over to the mall.  Before you go
in the mall, park your car on that side entrance (the one which is closest to
where you need to plant the bomb) make sure your car is in facing down the ramp
so that you can easily drive down the ramp to get to the helicopter once the
bomb has blown.  Once you've gone in the mall and planted the bomb, run
outside, get in your car, drive down to the helicopter, get inside and get back
to your mansion (you can land in front of the mansion, or if there's cops at
the mansion when you arrive, land on the roof and then make your way downstairs
and to the front).  I suppose, in theory, your Helicopter could be shot up to
the point of exploding by cops (as you're leaving the mall), or that you could
be shot down by the police helicopter; but I did the mission twice using this
method and was successful both times.

Another method by Jungo Fett
----------------------------
I did it easy, I got the maverick off the roof and started the stage picked up
lance then I parked the maverick in between the shopping center doors on the
grass I want stole a car and got the police car drive to the shops and I went
and planted the bomb BOOM i ran out and jumped in the maverick and up and a way
done.

Some tips from Sensa
--------------------
When you have planted the bomb go further down the road and look for a little
alleyway.  There should be a sparrow in the grassy bit to your left so get in
that and fly back to your mansion

Alternate Strategy from Cypher
------------------------------
I used a little bit another strategy for this mission:
Drive to the lock up, get two cops following you into it and take their
clothes, as it is supposed to do.  Then drive to the entrance of the mall (the
one closest to the bomb planting point) and enter the building.  Do not plant
the bomb yet. Take a look at the escalator that is in the middle of the mall.
If you go upstairs and to the left you will see a door that is being guarded by
two (?) cops. If take this door you will get out of the mall and right to the
parking. Did you get the idea?
Well, go back to the bomb planting point and start your mission. After the bomb
is planted, run as fast as you can to the parking garage, in which you were
before. Forget about Lance! There will be a message about your leaving Lance
behind. Do not take it into consideration. Take the fastest car you see after
getting out. If you noticed, there is a ramp on the left upper side of the roof
(looking in the direction as if you just went out of the mall). Jump off the
ramp and take a look at the map. You must drive to the Pay 'N' Spray (it is to
the North I guess).
Well you have almost beaten the mission after you repaint the car. Now drive
back to the mall and take Lance. (Do not worry about the cops. They will not do
anything to you although you are not in a police car.) Get back in the car
together with Lance and drive to the mansion.
That's it :)

Alternate Strategy from alkatr0z
--------------------------------
In Copland a really easy way I found to do it was just to get the
Police Maverick in Vice City after you get the uniforms. Land it right
next to the door (there's that little patch of grass there with easily
enough room to land a chopper). Run in. Plant the bomb; run out and
straight to the chopper and away you go to the mansion. Thought be
warned that wherever you land will be crawling with coppers. Even the
roof where I landed. You also have to battle your way down through the
mansion. And leave and reenter the mansion through the front. Probably
you could land at the top of the stairs right next to the front door
and save yourself too much hassle.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                             7.5 Final Missions
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The reason these are classified as final missions are because they relate to
the story, but they aren't in your mansion anymore.  Also, there are some
requirements for even getting these missions to show up.
Thanks to Craig Kostelecky, I know now that the requirements are having the
Print Works and completing all of its missions, and having 5 other assets and
completing their missions.

7.5.1 - Mission 1: "CAP THE COLLECTOR"
Reward: $30,000

Ooh! We are getting close to the end and they will keep on getting harder.  If
you think this is hard, wait till the next mission.  That one took me a LONG
time.  Anyway, the point of this mission is to kill 6 collectors, and they
travel in pairs.  The Forelli's are behind these collections after they hear
about what you have been doing to take over Vice City.  The pink blips mark
your properties, and the more properties you have, the easier this mission will
be, you will see why in a second.  You have to follow the red dot, which marks
the first pair of collectors and they head first for the boathouse.  You won't
be able to stop them from doing that, but you should be able to see them on the
way to the next property, Sunshine Autos.  You need to knock them off of their
bikes and kill them.  Once you kill them they get replaced.  You need to kill
three pairs to complete the mission.  You fail the mission if they tax all of
your properties, so if you have a lot of properties, then you have more time to
kill them all.  I would not suggest killing them at the assets because they
have big guns and can kill you fast that way.  So after you kill them all, you
get $30,000 and the final mission of the main story is available!  Yay!!!

Alternate Strategy from Sara Crisostomo
---------------------------------------
After going to the print works you have to go into a fast car and drive as fast
as you can to The Malibu because all of the 6 mafiosis have to go there
anyways. After a few seconds, there will come the first two, the best way to
kill them is to blow up their motorcycle with a rocket launcher, then you'll
have to wait a little for the next two and do the same thing. After that there
are just 2 mafiosis left they are supposed to be the most difficult but with
your rocket launcher they aren't more difficult then the other 4. After killing
them all you'll get 30.000!!  And you'll only have to do one mission to
complete the story missions.

Alternate Strategy from Kenny Smell
-----------------------------------
This was labeled as one of the hardest missions of the game.  I found an
extremely easy way to beat this mission... one that makes the mission easy
enough for anyone to beat it.

Instead of chasing the mafia around, Just go to one of the businesses that they
haven't taxed yet.  Personally I chose the Cherry Popper Ice Cream factory
cause it was close to the beginning point of the mission.

Try to get a large Vehicle BEFORE the mission starts and that way you'll have
it ready.  Any car, jeep, fan, whatever will do.  When you get to the Ice Cream
factory or whatever business you choose, park your vehicle on the icon that you
have to touch to collect your money.  If you can, find another vehicle to park
beside it just for extra security.

Get a descent weapon ready, such as a shotgun or a colt python, and simply wait
for the Mafia to come to you.  When they get there shoot he hell out of them.
If you're like me and you want to cheat a little and make the mission easier...
use the wanted level cheat when your wanted level goes up.  That way you don't
have to worry about cops too.

On a side note... the Mafia usually parks in the same spot to collect the
money.  I know at the Cherry Popper Ice Cream factory they park on the
sidewalk.

Alternate Strategy from Daniel Aspinall
---------------------------------------
I developed my own way of doing "Cap the Collector". First of all, straight
after you get Diaz's mansion get the chopper on top and go around getting every
hidden package. This unlocks the hunter at the air base. Next once you've
finished "Cop Land" make sure you keep the cop uniform on. Now, when you
walk/fly/whatever into the air base the army won't attack you. Thus you can get
an attack helicopter, which makes any assassination mission a piece of cake.
When I did "Cap the Collector" the first guys were at the boatyard, then the
Malibu and finally at Inter Global films.

7.5.2 - Final Mission: "KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE..."
Reward: $30,000, and the completion of the main story missions

Are you ready? Cause this is most likely the hardest mission of them all,
fittingly the "last mission."  I put that in quotations because the game isn't
really over yet, there are all the other things to do.  Anyway, let us get
started.  It starts with a pink marker outside of your Starfish Island mansion.
Uh oh, the mob is coming because you killed their people.  Get ready to fight.
You are sending Ken the lawyer to make a deal with counterfeit money, and you
send Lance to get the men.  But wait, Lance is a traitor!  He informs the mob
about the bad money and the mob comes and assaults your mansion.

First things first.  Guard your safe from the guys that come in.  After killing
a LOT of them, like 15-20 of them, Lance will show up outside the office in the
upstairs hallway.  Shoot him to get him running and follow him.  Every time you
shoot him he will go higher, until you get to the roof.  Go into the corner to
find an Adrenaline pill and that makes this MUCH easier.  You will see Lance
and the thugs, and a bunch of explosives.  Hmm, what to do?  Lure Lance over to
the barrels and waste him.  Ahh, the smell of sweet revenge.  Not much time to
celebrate, head back to your safe where the mob is after it again.  This time
it is Sonny Forelli, the big bastard with a Ruger, and many people with him.
This is the hardest part of the game, and the last part of the mission.
Getting behind your desk to take cover is the only advice I can give you
because you are going to need some serious skill to get past this part.  Pick
off all of his guys first since they take less damage to kill, and deal with
Sonny alone.  It is much easier that way, but it is still difficult.  Once you
kill everyone in that final surge of guys, you have completed the mission.
Congratulations!  You now own Vice City and have completed the main story
missions!  Of course there is still lots to do, but you have completed A LOT of
the game!

Additional Strategy from Scott Halvorson
----------------------------------------

This seems to work very well. You need MP-5, Spas-12, a sniper rifle, and an m-
60 all with plenty of ammo. Start the mission and stand by the desk so that you
can see the office door. Use the spas 12 and kill each thug as they approach.
Soon you get the message to go kill lance. Switch to the mp-5 for its longer
range and so you can run. Head out into the hall and you get a cut scene. After
the scene sprint up the stairs but not towards lance, go the other way. When
you reach the top level of the entryway target each thug and shoot them about 6
times. Lance will be at the end of the hall out of range so sprint towards him.
When you enter the hall target Lance and shoot him. Now is a good time to
switch to the shotgun. As you move up the stairs target each flight and if you
pick anything up fire. Just before you get to the roof select your MP-5 (you
need to sprint). As soon as you get to the roof sprint to the adrenaline but if
you miss it keep going to the back (by the health). If there is a helicopter on
the pad kill it so it doesn't get blown up while you are near it. Now select
your sniper rifle and walk up towards the front of the landing pad. The guys
never go up on the heli-pad! Ease forward just enough to see the tops of the
explosive barrels and snipe them. Ease forward more until you can target each
individual thugs head. Pick them off one by one. Lance takes 3 shots. There is
usually one guy you can't get this way, he stands up against the wall near an
explosive barrel. You can use a weapon with auto target to see him from up top.

Select your mp-5 on go to the lower level, go around the corner, and then duck
back behind it. He charges you but auto target and shoot him.
Return to the stairs. If your health and armor is low go downstairs (as long as
you have above 20 health you can just jump down the middle of the stairway, you
will survive!). Grab the armor and health if you need it and head towards the
office. This triggers the final cut scene.
After this DO NOT go in the office, it's a death trap! Instead sprint back to
the stairs and fight your way to the basement!

You should only have to fight about 4 guys and you have 2 opportunities to
refresh your armor. Head through the tunnel and go past the underground pool
and then head out to where the armor and chainsaw you earned from package
hunting. Use auto target to check for enemies around corners and you should be
able to get them before they get you.
When you get near the front of the estate you will notice 3 limousines with a
steady flow of reinforcements exiting them. Select your m-60 and blow up the
limos. BINGO!!!! No more reinforcements!! Now all you have to do is kill 3 guys
on the stairs outside (I prefer mp-5 for its long range and the speed it allows
you to move). After that select the m-60 (Tommy says "didn't think I'd use this
did ya'") Go up the stairs far enough that your shots clear them but not all
the way, you need cover. 3 guys left! Shoot the guy that you recognize as
Sunny. The first round hits him in the back, and he never gets a chance to
retaliate. It takes about 6 rounds (enough to blow up a car!) but he dies. It's
a nice sneak attack. YOU WIN EASY!

Additional Strategy from Raul Acosta
------------------------------------

In the first part of the mission, when you're defending the safe, be sure to
have full armor and the minigun (with a lot of ammo). Stand near the entrance
to the office and simply start pumping the stairwell with a barrage of
firepower. If you're lucky you'll be able to cap most of the goons trying to
burst in and your armor will absorb most of the damage you'll receive. When you
begin the second part of the mission and run after Vance, run like a mother and
try to avoid the shots coming at you. I tried shooting him but I'm not sure if
shooting him actually makes him begin his run to the roof. Anyway, head to the
stairway but instead of going straight to the roof run down and reach the
little room where there's armor, health and the sniper rifle and Ruger.
Recharge; rest a bit if you need to (or if you can), arm yourself with the MP5
and then begin a mad dash to the roof access, taking out whatever goombah's in
the way. Now, when you reach the roof, run straight to the ramp that leads to
the helipad. You may take some damage or you may not; if you don't all the
better.  You get a breather here since the bad guys DON'T follow you into the
helipad. Now, you can take the satisfaction of shooting Vance over the
helipad's railing (using the MP5 submachine gun, the best weapon to aim and
shoot with in this game other than the PSG-1) like I did the first time around,
but you can actually wipe him and his stooges out without taking a hit by
lobbing some grenades from a distance. You know you have inflicted some damage
when Tommy says the "Last Dance for Lance Vance" thing. Keep lobbing grenades
and you'll know Vance is dead when Tommy says "You picked the wrong side,
Vance". Now the _HARD_ part begins. Work your way down the stairs to the little
room once more, recharge, and then go up to your office's level. For some
reason you are not attacked during this time. When the little cut-scene with
Sonny ends, don't go down the main stairwell. Run to the right and try to take
out some of his goombahs with the MP5. Don't try sticking out for long because
Sonny's Ruger is nasty and will mow you down in seconds. Head to the
roof's/basement's stairs and recharge in the little room once more, then go up
to the access way to the lobby. Arm yourself with the MP5 once more and try to
take out some of the random goons. You're likely to suffer some damage here, so
duck into the bar on the other end of the lobby and recharge with armor and
life before trying to take out Sonny. Be sure to try to take him out with a
fresh clip coz he'll be pumping into you as you fire on him (unless you're
weaving and running I guess :-P ). If you're lucky you'll take him out before
you're taken out, so start running WHEREVER to avoid the remaining goombahs'
gunshots and wait out the end of the mission.

Another strategy from Paul Schultz
----------------------------------
At the beginning protect your safe, go up and kill Lance in any way described
in the other strategies.  After Lance and the rest of the goons on the roof
have been killed walk all the way to the ledge of the roof so you can see down.
From here you should see the three limos that all the reinforcements come from.
Use some sort of high powered weapon and blow up all three of them.  Go back
down the stairs (and pick up health/armor if needed) and you'll get the cut
scene where Sonny shows up.  Go back into your office and duck behind the desk.
After taking out all of the goons there should just be Sonny left.  Stand right
outside your office where you can't see him and he can't see you.  From the top
throw grenades down the stairs to where he's standing.  After a few grenades
Sonny will be dead and you won't take any damage in the process.

Alternate Strategy from James Wyatt
-----------------------------------
I want to suggest to you an easy way to beat the game, in the final mission
Keep Your Friends Close.  After starting in Tommy's office, I knelt slightly
off to the right side of the desk, facing the open door, with my Python
selected.  One guy came in, and I killed him in one shot.  After about 30
seconds, I got the message to go get Lance!  I died, but I tried that again and
this time, NO-ONE came in!  It was easy!  I rushed to the helipad and lobbed
grenades over and made short work of Lance.  Re-entering the mansion, I ran
back to the office to make Sunny enter.  I then ran out of the office and up
the little flight of stairs to the left.  In that back corner, I could easily
pick off everyone.  I slowly approached the rail on the right side (when facing
the office, the rail on the right side) and picked off Sunny with my laser
sniper rifle.  It was much easier than just rushing him!

Alternate Strategy from Mike Lauraine
-------------------------------------
Before you start the mission make sure to go and pick up a rocket launcher, you
will need it at the end.

You go through the usual with killing a few guys from the office and then run
to the top after Lance and kill him.  On your way back to the office to engage
with Sonny go and get some armor or life fill up if needed.  Once the talk is
over with Sonny take out you rocket launcher and fire it a 3-4 times (I lost
count and just kept killing) at the bottom of the stairs where Sonny and his
men are.  Well that's it! It is over before you know it and you barely get hit
and don't even have to run anywhere, just stand at the top of the stairs by the
office.  Hope this helps someone.

Alternate Strategy from D_Rock
------------------------------
I know that you have MANY strategies for the last mission already, but I wanted
to write one that would be shorter and more to the point than the other ones
that you have.

There are 4 parts to this mission, but before you start make sure you save at
the Vercetti mansion.  The key to this mission is to remember that the health
and armor at the bottom of the stairwell regenerates very quickly.

Part 1 - Protect the safe.  Stand near the safe and waste all who come in with
an uzi or shotgun.

Part 2 - Kill Vance.  Chase Vance up the stairwell.  If you need to, go to the
bottom of the stairwell and get new health and armor.  When you get to the
roof, run to the helipad.  Snipe them with the sniper rifle from as far away as
you can.  If you need to, go to the bottom of the stairwell and get new health
and armor.

Part 3 - Blow up the 3 limos in the front of the mansion.  If you need to, go
to the bottom of the stairwell and get new health and armor.

Part 4 - Kill Sonny.  From the main entrance of the mansion, go up the stairs
that lead to the safe.  Wait for the scene with Sonny to play out.  Now run up
the stairs and cut left (do not go into the office).  Go to the bottom of the
stairwell and get new health and armor.  Go back up the stairwell and head down
the first hallway that leads to the front entrance of the mansion.  You will be
on the same level as Sonny.  When you get to the large entrance of the mansion,
there will be some pillars that you can use for cover.  Use the uzi to kill
Sonny and his bodyguards.  Watch your health.  When your armor is gone run back
down the stairwell and get more.  Repeat this until you win!

An Easy Way to Kill Lance
-------------------------
An extremely easy way to kill Lance is to get a helicopter and park it right
beside him target him through it and it will explode leaving him with little
health then bust out a Uzi and cap his behind.
(Thanks to Tyler Bodkins)

An Easy Way to Kill Sonny
-------------------------
This is a very easy way to beat the final guy on "Keep your friends close".
After a lot of tries I found a way that is fool proof and I haven't died yet
using it. Once you finally kill Lance, go al the way downstairs and pick up
armor and health. Get out your automatic weapon and walk out on the bottom
floor. Be careful not to move too fast as you go through the hallway. Sometimes
enemies can pop up.  After killing the nobodies, move up to the first pillar.
Then, move to the right just enough so you can shoot the final guy without him
being able to shoot you. Crouch down and fire away. If you do it right his
bullets will never even touch you. I haven't lost once using this technique.
(Thanks to ROrtiz)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                             7.6 Extra Missions
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

These are missions not required to progress in the game, but are required to
get 100% completion in the game.  There are a lot of extra missions, more than
story missions so it might take a while.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                            7.6.1 Avery Carrington
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You can find him in his limo at the construction site in Vice Point.
You can find him pretty early in the game, after you complete the
"Riot" mission for Rosenberg.  Here we go.

7.6.1.1 - Mission 1: "FOUR IRON"
Reward: $500

Pretty good cash for the beginning missions.  Not.  What you have to do is take
care of a guy at the local golf course.  First, follow the T-shirt to get some
golfing clothes...boy he looks like a nerd...and then head to Leaf Link gold
course.  When you enter, all of your guns will be taken away, and they will
leave you with your melee weapon.  If you don't have one, there is a golf club
right after you go through security.  Go to yellow blip on the dot and hit one
of his guards.  This cues a cut scene showing your target getting away in a
Caddie.  Follow him with a Caddie of your own.  The guards will also chase you,
do your best to shrug them off.  Either take him out in the caddy, the easiest
way, or follow him on the streets.  If you take too long, you will fail so make
haste.  Tip over whatever he is driving, and then run him over to complete the
mission.  The only problem is if he is using a caddy, and as you all know they
don't flip over.  So drive-by him and set him on fire that way to finish him
off.

Alternate Strategy from Sid Davis
---------------------------------
Basically show up at the driving range and then drive the other golf carts that
are there into the water. (Bailing out as you get close to edge)

I did this figuring that if bad guy didn't have a cart I could just run him
over as he ran away. Well Surprise, surprise... he jumps in a Caddy anyway...
and it's one of the ones in the water. Apparently he can't swim too well.
Mission Over. ;)

Alternate Strategy from Ian Glick
---------------------------------
This is concerning Avery Carrington's mission Four
Iron. I found a really easy way of getting rid of the bodyguards that get in
your way and try to kill you in Leaf Links. Before you start the mission, go to
Tarbrush Cafe in North Point Mall in Vice Point. Go behind the counter and into
the back room and grab the
Katana. Now that you'll have this when you go to Leaf
Links, you don't have to use a golf club to beat the bodyguards. The katana
assures a quickly sliced & diced bodyguard and less interference on the road so
you can pass the mission.

Alternate Strategy from Robert Brown
------------------------------------
Here is an extremely easy way to do this. After you step on the pink marker to
start the mission, jump into the comet that is parked out front. Drive it
straight into the fence. Hop on the car. Hop over the fence. You are in with
your weapons. Grab a cart. Drive to the target. Keep a little distance. Get out
of the cart. Auto target anyone with the your best weapon. Use the L1 button to
re-target until you are on your man. Kill him. Once he's dead his bodyguards
will go neutral. Very easy.

Alternate Strategy from Andy Robson
-----------------------------------
Here's an easy way to complete this mission. Park a cart sideways on to the
driving range where the guy is and drive another cart into it so that it tips
over and ends up underneath him, it will set on fire and blow him and his
guards up.

Alternate Strategy by ShrimpyDude99  
----------------------------------- 
This is in regards to the four iron mission from Avery Carrington. O.K. you 
need to know one of the weapons cheats that includes a sniper rifle. That's all 
of them. So, just get the golfing clothes and go to the golf club. If you had 
weapons before you went in the security system, then you don't have them 
anymore, except for your melee weapon. Once you're through, then simply enter 
one of the weapon codes. The security guards shouldn't chase you. (Cause of 
your newly obtained guns) if they do, then kill them. You know your target 
right? Get close enough for sniping range, but far away enough so that his 
bodyguards cant see you. This is very possible. Snipe him out, and BADDA BING 
BADDA BAM!! You're done with the mission. Well there you go, I'm pretty sure I 
covered it all.

7.6.1.2 - Mission 2: "DEMOLITION MAN"
Reward: $1,000

A lot of people had trouble with this one but I found it pretty easy.  The
hardest part about this is obviously the flying of the helicopter, but once you
master that, this mission is easy.  What you have to do is pick up and drop off
four bombs in the construction site.  First, the blip on the map will point you
to a Top Fun van, where you can control a RC helicopter.  Of course, it would
be too easy unless there was a time limit.  After you drop off the first bomb
you have 7:00 to drop off the remaining three bombs.  That is plenty of time to
complete this mission.  I recommend going from the top to the bottom so you
leave as much time as possible for the hardest one.  The thugs that will start
shooting you can easily be killed be running them over or chopping them up with
your blades.  After you drop off all 4 bombs, the mission is complete.

Alternate Strategy from C. D'Angelo
-----------------------------------
For "Demolition Man", the 7 min. time limit won't start until you pick up your
first bomb.  All you have to do is fly over and kill all the construction
workers and security guards with the blades first.  After that, it's smooth
sailing...just place the bombs in 7 min. and you're all set.


7.6.1.3 - Mission 3: "TWO BIT HIT"
Reward: $2,500, Havana Outfit delivered to Streetwear in Little Havana

Hey, Donald Love is back!  Anyway, what you are supposed to do is start a gang
war between the Cubans and the Haitians.  First you need to change into a Cuban
gang outfit by following the T-shirt again.  After you change, drive by the
Funeral Parlor signified by a yellow blip.  If you get the attention of the
Haitians, go after the Haitian Gang Lord.  If you are lucky, you can kill him
before he gets in his Hearse, but if not it is okay, it is pretty hard to kill
him before.  Chase him and kill him using drive by, and after either he dies or
the car blows up, you will have completed the mission after you leave Little
Haiti.

Alternate Strategy from Brett Dix
---------------------------------
Here's a much easier way to complete Two Bit Hit.
You'll need a rocket launcher, which can be obtained from the swimming pool at
the Happy Hooker Holiday Inn (near the entrance to the airport).

After you get your disguise, hop in a car and cruise toward the target area. As
you approach the Cubans, take a left before they see you and then turn right
down the alley. Head along the alley for a bit and then hop out of the car when
you are close to the target. Look around the corner to your right and you
should see the gang lord's car with an arrow above it.

Fire two rounds from the rocket launcher into his car to blow it up and kill
him.

To get out of town, just jump back in your car and carry on down the alley.
Turn right to get back to the street, then turn left and follow the road around
until you get to the highway. Turn left and floor it...

If you do this right, you can complete the mission without the Cubans firing a
single shot at you.

Alternate Strategy from dheensa
-------------------------------
In the 2bit hit, where you have to attack the Haitians as a Cuban, there is an
easier way.  Get kind of close 2 the place so the Haitians see u. than go back
and make a right. Use a grenade or Molotov cocktail and throw it over the wall.
After a few seconds they'll all b dead. However you'll get a 2 star-wanted
level. Just get 2 the bridge and when it says "Greetings from Vice City", the
wanted level will disappear.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                         7.6.2 Rock Band: Love Fist
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These missions can be located at the downtown V-Rock building, indicated by a
red circle on the radar.  You can start doing his missions after the mission
"Shakedown."  These missions are a sequel to one of the last of the main story
missions so these won't be a walk in the park.  I think we should get more
money for these but whatever.  Here we go.

7.6.2.1 - Mission 1: "LOVE JUICE"
Reward: $2,000

Hmm, I wonder what Love Juice is.  Well, frankly, it is a kind of drug.  Love
Fist wants you to get some of it from a secret source.  Get a very fast sports
car, or a motorcycle so you can shoot ahead of you.  The best vehicle for this
is a PCJ-600, but those don't appear out of nowhere.  But if you do have one
use it here as it will be much easier.  Follow the pink blip on the radar to
get a pink marker, and make sure you are in your fast car or motorcycle.  Honk
the horn to signal the dealer to come out and make a deal.  He takes your
money, and runs without giving you the drugs.  Chase him down!  That's why you
need a fast car or PCJ, he has a PCJ himself.  Try to destroy his bike without
knocking him of his bike; he has a stubby shotgun that can pack a mean punch.
If you have a motorcycle follow him and shoot him from behind until his bike
explodes.  If you have a car, you should drive-by him.  Collect the drugs and
take them back to Love Fist for a mission completed and $2,000.

Alternate Strategy from Lord_Zophar
-----------------------------------
The first part is okay and accurate (of course you can do the first part a lot
easier.  Just park your car so that the front is facing the exit of the parking
lot.  Now, honk the horn and then chase after him when he takes off.  You will
have to follow him for a couple of turns, but you can quickly gain on him and
then BOOM!  slam into him and then run him over.  This is so much easier and
more fun then the other ways!)

Anyway, this is not the end of the mission.  Get out of your car and get the
drugs, and then you will get a cell phone call.  Press L1 (default) to answer
it and Kent will say that the band members want a woman too.  You then have to
go pick up Mercedes at her house.  At this point you will have some stars and
so you might try losing them before you pick her up.  When you are ready to
pick her up, make sure you have a FAST car because as soon as you get her, you
have little over a minute to get back to the studio.  No major strategy here,
just drive as fast as you can and don't hit a thing or you won't make it (take
the straightest route possible too).  Once you get there you will win the
mission and get your reward.

Alternate Strategy from Andy Robson
-----------------------------------
On the "Love Juice" mission an easy way to complete the second part is after
you've killed the drug dealer go and get a helicopter and fly to the woman's
house, you can just about land on the red circle, and you can pick her up as if
you were in a car. Simply fly back to the studio as fast as you can. you can
make it with 15 - 20 seconds to spare.

7.6.2.2 - Mission 2: "PSYCHO KILLER"
Reward: $4,000

This mission is where you have to get rid of a stalker, and you know what I
mean by get rid of him.  But this stalker isn't stupid and he will put up a
fight.  I have tried many different ways, but I still lose him because the limo
is too slow.  There is a trick that worked for me in the Brady Games strategy
guide.  After you start the mission, get a fast car, and put it by the signing
area, or by where the stalker takes off.  When you get there, the killer will
kill a few people, hop into his car and flee the scene.  As soon as you do
that, get into your high-powered car and zoom after him.  Now, just destroy the
car and kill him in the process to land the $4,000 dollars.  For now, you are
done with them, because you need to do some Biker missions before you can
proceed with him.  After you complete all of the Biker missions below, you can
proceed with this last one.

Additional Strategy by Ed Novak
-------------------------------

Seems that not everyone likes the Devils of Rock Excess.  Someone's been
stalking the Fists, making death threats and such.  Kent Paul asks you to drive
the Love Fist limo down to the show, and lure out the psycho killer.  First,
head outside and jump in the crimson stretch limo, and then drive down the road
to the pink marker.  Park at the marker, and you'll see a couple of women go
into the arena...followed by what appears to be a guy in drag.  The drag queen
shoots one of the guards, then jumps in his car and takes off.  Once again,
chase him down!  You have two choices now: A) chase him through the entire city
until one of you dies, or B) memorize his route and figure out the best place
to smash him.  The easiest way is to pin him against a building after he makes
his first left turn.  He'll make a U-turn in the middle of the road, which
leaves a great opportunity to impale his car on a lamppost.  Once he bails out,
shoot him a couple of times to complete the mission.

Alternate Strategy from Robert Brown
------------------------------------
I found the mission with the stalker to be quite difficult at first but I
believe I have found the simplest way to do it. You will need the rocket
launcher. Before getting into the limo select the Launcher as your weapon.
Drive slowly to the pink marker. AS you begin to get close to the marker start
hitting the triangle button so that you can exit the vehicle BEFORE the cut
scene. It is tricky but keep trying until you get it because it makes things
easy. After the cut scene you will be standing outside the limo with the
launcher ready. Just aim and take him out. Easy. It may take a couple of tries
but it is easier and far less frustrating than chasing him around.

Alternate Strategy from Brett Dix
---------------------------------
This one takes a bit of time, but it's fun (and different).

Start the mission as usual, but when the opening scene ends don't get into the
Limo. Instead, go north to the Hyman Condo (I'm assuming you own it already)
and get your chopper. You can use a car, but the chopper is faster. Go to the
airport and get the Packer behind the terminal. I say the airport because the
Packer is always there and it's close to Eight Ball's bomb shop, which is where
you're going to take it to. Get the Packer fitted out with a bomb and drive it
back to the venue. Park it across the road to roadblock where the Psycho would
normally make his escape (make sure you park hard up against the building or
he'll squeeze around the front of the truck) and run back to the Lovefist Limo.
Get in and drive to the pink marker.  When the cut scene ends, get out of the
limo with the detonator in your hand. The Psycho will bump into the Packer and
as he's trying to reverse, detonate the bomb. If his car doesn't explode
immediately, it will at least catch fire. Then you can either stand there and
watch as it explodes or finish him off with one of your heavy weapons.

7.6.2.3 - Mission 3: "PUBLICITY TOUR"
Reward: $8,000

You get to be a chauffeur, but aren't you always?  You have to go fast enough
in the limousine you are driving so the bomb doesn't detonate, kind of like the
movie Speed.  Great movie.  Anyway, it takes about 140 seconds to disarm the
bomb, and my advice is to find a wide freeway and drive along that until the
mission is complete.  Slowing down enough will detonate the bomb, and slowing
down will make the meter rise very quickly.  After the bomb is defused, follow
the pink blip as slow as you want to the gig and get your $8,000 and finish
Love Fist's missions.

Additional Strategy by Ed Novak
-------------------------------

The psycho killer's dead, but his legacy lives on.  When you and Love Fist hop
in the limo, one of the band members finds a tape and asks you to "stick it
on."  Turns out that the dearly departed stalker left a parting gift: there's a
bomb on the limo, and if you slow down too much, you die. Take off immediately,
and head towards the freeway that runs along the east coast of the island.
While you're driving, the band members will yell at each other, scream, cry
like babies, and finally defuse the bomb.  Somewhere along the line, you'll
probably run out of freeway, so be prepared to make a U-turn (and to panic as
the Detonation meter nearly fills up).  After Love Fist defuses the bomb, take
a leisurely drive over to their venue and prepare to party.

Alternate Strategy from Craig Zuck
----------------------------------
I just finished this level, and after quite a few attempts, think I've found
the easiest way.  I attempted both ideas already listed, but found it too hard
and time consuming to get to the freeway.  Instead, from the start, backup a
few feet and turn left...from here, cruise straight over the bridge to Prawn
Island and slow down just a little bit to turn towards the movie studio (if you
don't slow, you will flip and blow up) from here, follow around back onto the
main road and over the bridge again...if you go fast enough, the boys should
have the bomb defused just as you approach the recording studio.

Additional Strategy from Mark McFarland
---------------------------------------
I think I have a bit easier way of doing this mission. No U-turns.  Once you
take off make the left turn, then make the first right turn at the first
intersection past the gun shop. Keep at a pace as to keep the meter clear; you
do not need to be doing the top speed to keep the meter clear.  Now continue
straight till you get to the last bridge that will take you over to Vice City,
make the left on to it, if you did this right they should have the bomb defused
by the time you get to the first over pass on the other island.  Found it
easier to do that than work on doing hard U-turns, and tight Left and Right
turns.  Hope this will help others.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                       7.6.3 Biker: "Big" Mitch Baker
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

7.6.3.1 - Mission 1: "ALLOY WHEELS OF STEEL"
Reward: $1,000

These missions occur after Love Fist's mission "Psycho Killer."  They are
located at the Biker bar, surprise, with a spade icon on the radar.  The first
mission is a checkpoint race to prove your worth to them.  That shouldn't be
too hard.  They all have Angels, and after you talk to the leader, you will see
other Angels parked by the bar.  I suggest you don't use them, however get on
the bike go driving around looking for a Freeway (the motorcycle).  This puts
you at a HUGE advantage, I can't stress it enough.  Once you do that, go into
the pink circle to start the race.  During the race, do not shoot at the guys
or you will fail the mission automatically.  Just race.  Pretty easy to win the
race, just go for control over speed, since it is easy to tip over.  After you
win, you will $1,000 and the next mission.

Tips from Robert Brown
----------------------
Just one quick note about this race. If you walk around to the fron of the
bikes and hit triangle you will knock one of the racers from their bike and the
race will begin with you as the 3rd man instead of the fourth. Makes things a
little easier.

Additional Strategy from Andeeroo1
----------------------------------
On "Alloy Wheels of Steel" as easy way to beat the mission is to have a Ruger
(or a sniper) on hand.  Take the Angel right outside the bar and drive around
the pink mark (make sure not to hit any of the racers!).  Drive right in front
of the first checkpoints get off of the bike, and get out your Ruger.  Aim for
one of the bikers' front wheel, shoot, and quickly get on the bike.  The race
will start and you will have a head start, and one of the racers is practically
out of the race!  I beat this mission on my second try with this strategy.

Additional Strategy from PoweroftheGOM
--------------------------------------
Mission: "Alloy Wheels of Steel"
Award: $1,000

After you come out of the bar, you can either take the Angel, or go looking for
a freeway. When you get your bike, go way behind the other bikers (whom are
using Angels) and start riding towards them. When you see the pink marker that
you're supposed to stop at, don't stop. Instead go near the pink marker, and
lightly hit yourself against the biker nearest to you. This is because when you
make contact with any racer, the race will automatically start. This allows you
to have a huge advantage over the other bikers.

Some more information from mlbfeva2002
--------------------------------------
On the mission "Alloy Wheels of Steel", to easily win the race I hijacked a
large truck, I used the ambulance truck, and parked it in front of the
bikers so they will crash, one racer went into a store through the window. I
would pull up one of the bikes in front of the pink circle and shot their tires
with the m16. I won very easily.

7.6.3.2 - Mission 2: "MESSING WITH THE MAN"
Reward: $2,000

This next mission caused me a lot of problems, until I realized the secret of
how to do it easier.  Anyway, you have to raise chaos in the cities, for fun
basically.  Kind of difficult, the idea here is to raise your chaos meter until
it is full.  To do that, you must kill people, blow up vehicles, etc.  But what
I didn't know until recently is that the higher your wanted level is, the
quicker your chaos level will rise.  Now you might say, why do you need to do
it quickly?  A 2-minute time limit (it rhymed again!)  My suggestion is to get
up high, and use your rocket launcher.  It is fun and it works.  BTW, every
four or five people killed raises your meter, and every 4 or 5 vehicles blown
up raises your meter.  The mission is completed when you fill the chaos meter,
and you get $2,000.

Additional Strategy form vicecitystalker
----------------------------------------

I got a better way to beat the "messing With The Man" mission from the biker
gangs.  If you find a car, shoot the car up until it explodes.  After it
explodes, keep shooting it.  Your chaos meter will rise fairly quickly and in
the alotted time.  You will get less of a wanted level, but it will take care
of it fast.  Every 5 or six bullets raises the meter more.

Alternate Strategy from Jeff M
------------------------------
BEFORE you start this mission, go to Starfish Island, behind one of the houses,
there is a pool shaped like the Rockstar logo (an R with a star). Inside the
pool, there is a flamethrower, get it. After this, go to Mitch Baker and he
gives you the mission. Stand outside, pull out the flamethrower and start
burning people cars and everything that moves. The Chaos meter will fill up in
less than a minute if you did it correctly.

7.6.3.3 - Mission 3: "HOG TIED"
Reward: $4,000

The local gang with the burritos, maybe Cubans?? Hmm...  Anyway they stole
Mitch's bike.  Bad idea.  You have to get it back no matter what.  It is hidden
on top of the Ammu-Nation building.  A cool way to get there, BTW it also nets
you a Unique Jump, is to use the stairs across from the Ammu-Nation and land on
top.  Score!  Anyway, get the Adrenaline pill to make things a little easier.
There are many people on the roof and people will come up the stairs to the
north.  There is a health icon just in case.  After you kill all the guys, head
down the stairs, and follow the yellow blip on the radar to find his bike in a
garage.  You might have to kill some guys on the way. :)  What am I kidding, of
course you will!  To get out, go to the left side of the place, and then turn
right (north), and use the stairs as a jump out onto the streets.  It is not
over yet!!  They will chase you in Gang Burritos, and it will be tough to get
past them.  Use the bikes speed and some good driving to get back to the bar
and get your $4,000.  That was the last mission for them.  Now, you can finish
mission 3 for Love Fist.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                         7.6.4 Assassination Missions
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love this so much!  It incorporates the game Hitman...sort of.  Not as
challenging, but it's still cool.  There are several missions.  Don't get me
wrong, just because they are assassination, doesn't mean with a sniper.  In
fact, some of them aren't with a sniper, it is in the middle of the road.
Anyway, enough talk, let's go.  You get the first call early on in the game
from your cell phone after the mission "Riot", and you can find the actual
phone in Ocean Beach, marked by a phone icon.

7.6.4.1 - Mission 1: "ROAD KILL"
Reward: $500

This is sooo easy.  But you only get 500 dollars, so that should explain how
easy it is.  You have to kill a guy on a Pizza Boy.  Not hard.  The only catch
is that you have to do it before he delivers his pizzas.  He has 50 of them.
Even then, you shouldn't have a problem.  Take him out for the easy 500
dollars.

7.6.4.2 - Mission 2: "WASTE THE WIFE"
Reward: $2,000

This next phone is located in the east side of Vice Point.  You have to kill a
jewelry shop owner.  Except this time, they are in a car.  Oh no!  Don't worry
it's easy, sort of.  Make her car burst into flames is the easiest way, but you
can also make her get out of her car and kill her that way.  But make sure as
soon as you make her car set on fire you drive away quickly so no one suspects
you.  You will get a message saying you need to split, because it is about to
blow.  Cha-Ching!

7.6.4.3 - Mission 3: "AUTOCIDE"
Reward: $4,000

This phone is located in Washington, by the North Point Mall.  You finally get
to snipe somebody!  Yay!!  But, they make it hard now that you get to use it.
Oh well. What you have to do is kill 5 groups of people in 9 minutes.  That's
tough!  Oh well, let's get started.  You will find guns indicated by the blue
blip on the map.  Now for the victims.

The first victim is Mark Griffon, and he is in Washington building an
advertising board.  Easy enough stop where you can see him and snipe him.  One
down.

The second victim is Dick Tanner.  He is in Washington Beach.  You will have to
take him out on the road, and he is in a Securicar!  That spells trouble.  My
advice is to damage the car before it gets on the road to make it easier.
After that, it takes only a little more abuse to take the car down.  This is
one of the harder ones to do, so if you do this one fast good job!  If not,
keep trudging along.

The third victim is actually a group of people, two to be exact, their names
are Marcus Hammond and Franco Carter.  They are found by the Jewelry shop in
Vice Point.  They also "run" off in their trucks, but to make it easier on you,
the first one jumps out and starts shooting you.  Run him down.  The second guy
has a pickup truck, take him off the road any way you can.  Don't use bumping;
it takes too long, so I suggest drive-by the truck.

The fourth victim is a breather and a confidence builder after 2 harder
victims.  He is located on a boat off the shore by Washington Beach.  Don't use
a boat and risk it, just snipe him, saving time. That's easier huh?

The fifth victim raises the bar a little, but not a lot.  You have to kill
Charlie Dilson in Washington, and he is riding a PCJ-600.  Although it is fast,
chase him in a car and he will be down in no time.  Wow!  That's a complicated
mission huh?  Well, next mission!

Alternate Strategy from Ffej
----------------------------
I completed the Autocide mission with NO problems using the following method.
It may be helpful to practice flying a helicopter first until you get half-
decent at it. Get a helicopter and fly it to the south end of the western
island. Somewhere around the airport and military base, you will see some
industrial cooling towers with a reddish Z-shaped hotel to the south of it This
is almost perfectly west but a tiny bit north from the first big container
ship. Behind this hotel is a pool with a rocket launcher in it. Land your
helicopter somewhere safely on the lawn, and jump in the pool to get the rocket
launcher. In order to get out of the pool, be sure to switch back to your
"fist" and jump out from the shallow end. Get back in your helicopter and fly
to the J icon on your mini-map. There is a nice wide parking lot next to the
payphones that you can land in. I recommend landing in the end of the parking
lot farthest away from the payphones, closest to where the weapons will spawn,
this will save you a few seconds time later. Be careful with the aircraft, we
don't want to lose it halfway through. Answer the phone, then run with X held
down to the blue-blip to stock up on the weapons (this is actually faster than
trying to steal a car and driving there). Then, run to your helicopter and just
before you get in, arm your uzi. Then get in, and take off. As soon as you're
airborne, land on the roof right next to where you landed, but as close to the
blip on your mini-map as possible. Then, quickly do the following in rapid
succession. Get out of the helicopter (your uzi should still be armed from when
you selected it on the ground), run as close to the billboard as possible while
still staying on the roof, hold down R1 to autotarget the victim, squeeze off a
second or two of fire, then get back in the helicopter. If you did this fast
enough and if you landed your helicopter close enough, the helicopter should
spin back up almost immediately, saving you time. Time for victim number two!
Fly your helicopter to the next blip on your map but be careful not to fly over
him because he'll be alerted and escape. You want to land on the roof of the
building directly across the street from the parked security van. If he spots
you and starts driving away, you didn't avoid him well enough when you were in
the air; so try the mission again. Once you land on the roof, get out of the
helicopter and arm your sniper rifle. If you stand directly opposite of the
security van but still up on the roof, you should be able to zoom in and pick
him off through the windshield before he even pulls away. You only get one shot
before he panics and escapes, so aim carefully and fire. Easy kill! If you
don't mind failing the mission, you can steal the security van now and store it
in one of your garages somewhere. Anyway, once you kill victim #2, hop back in
the helicopter and fly to victim #3 and his friend using the blip on your mini-
map. Once again, you want to land on the HUGE roof across the street from where
they are parked. Same deal; don't alert them while you are in the air, so you
may have to circle around to the west a tiny bit so that you aren't flying over
them. Once you're on the roof, get out of your helicopter, arm the rocket
launcher you got and shoot the van. Bye-bye victim #3 and friend! Time for
victim #4. This one is even easier, but you still need to avoid early
detection. This guy is sitting in his boat not far off shore. You should have
no trouble landing the helicopter a little ways away, getting out, arming your
sniper rifle, and finishing him off. If you did this all smoothly enough, you
should have lots of time left on the clock for victim #5. This last victim is
in a motorcycle and you need only run him down with a half-decently fast
vehicle, so you can helicopter over to him until you are close and steal a car,
or you can leave the helicopter behind and simply drive away from the area
where you killed victim #4.

Alternate Strategy #2 from DammitRobert2002@aol.com
---------------------------------------------------
I did something different then what you have on the "Autocide" mission.  I was
able to snipe the first 4 groups.  The second guy in the Securicar is easily
killed using the sniper from the corner of the block.  His head barely sticks
out over the wooden fence, but it's enough.  The 2 guys in the truck I did
something similar.  I killed the driver with my sniper rifle from the corner,
and was able to kill the passenger the same way right as he got out the truck.
I did it all within 5-6 minutes and it seems a lot easier then chasing them in
the cars.

7.6.4.4 - Mission 4: "CHECK OUT AT THE CHECK-IN"
Reward: $8,000

This phone is located in Escobar International Airport, and it is a payphone.
This one involves many steps, but really isn't that hard until you have to get
away.  You must follow this woman close enough so you see her, and far away
enough to keep her from being suspicious.  The distance meter cannot be filled
or you will fail.  She will point out your real target, and then you can shoot
him.  DON'T SHOOT HER!  Shoot the guy she shows you.  Once you do that run!
You will get a 2 star warning and the guy's crazy buddies after you.  Make sure
you get the briefcase!  Then go!  You have to return the briefcase to the
AmmuNation.  There are 2 Pay N' Sprays on the way to it, that will rid you of
the cops, but as for the goons, just out run them to complete the mission.  One
more assassination mission.

Alternate Strategy from Ffej
----------------------------
I like to fly a helicopter and park it on the apron behind the airport (close
enough that you can see it through the windows when you're inside the airport).
Then, run around and complete the mission. Once the heat is after you, steal a
car (or have one ready) and drive back around to your helicopter and escape by
air. A LOT easier than avoiding cop cars the whole way back.

Additional Tips from David Marshall
-----------------------------------
In the Checkout at the Check In Assassination mission I find it a lot easier to
zoom in on the woman you need to follow with the sniper rifle and follow her
movement this way. Once she meets the target you can blow his head off and then
take out his henchman almost immediately. Grab the briefcase and hotfoot it
outta there.

Alternate Strategy from NdZ
---------------------------
After killing the guy and getting the suitcase, get outside, into _a_ car.
(regular here) Drive to the airport exit (right) when you exit the terminal)
after the right turn before you meet with some gang members who want you fried
look on the left to see if there's a *hole* in the fence.  Drive through that
hole and pursue the way until you find either a paint spray or the ammu-nation

Alternate Strategy from Velerophon
----------------------------------
Before you start the mission, go towards Downtown on the highway. Where
the road splits, stay on the right hand side. When you're round the
corner, STOP. Get out of your vehicle and look ahead on the right hand
side of the road. See those Angels? Hop onto one of them and drive
straight ahead. There is a sop window with a PCJ 600 in it. Smash the
window and hop onto the PCJ. Now, head back to the airport terminal.
Ride your Motorbike through metal detector and head towards the
payphone. This is the tricky bit. You MUST park your PCJ inside the
pink marker, on the right hand side of it. Now, start the mission. If
you cannot see your PCJ in the Cut-Scene, you've probably lost it. If
not, good on you. Now, get the sniper rifle to your right. Now: when
the cut-scene is finished, hop onto your bike very quickly and find out
where the woman is. She's on the top floor somewhere. Ride up the
escalator oposite the one she is going down, and head towards the one
she is moving down. DO NOT GET TOO CLOSE TO THE EDGE OF THE ESCALATOR!
Get off of your bike, and watch the woman. She walks up to the two
blokes by the check in desk. Take careful aim at the first bloke's
head, but DONT SHOOT HIM YET. Wait until the woman has finished talking
to him. Then, take off his head, then his bodyguards. Then jump on your
PCJ, and ride down the stairs. Head out of the terminal and turn right,
towards the Highway. Careful of the police cars. When you turn the
first corner to the right, there should be a parking lot on your left.
STAY ON THE LEFT HAND PAVEMENT. Stay relatively slow as two black cars
will come flying out there and some blokes will popo their heads out
the roof and start shooting you. As soon as they come out, start
speeding your butt off towards Ammunation in Downtown. Try not to slow
down for ANYTHING. Ride your PCJ into the pink marker and get off. Whey
hey, Assasination contracts complete.

7.6.4.5 - Mission 5: "LOOSE ENDS"
Reward: $16,000

You have to do some things before you do this mission.  You must have purchased
the Malibu and completed its mission called "The Shootist."  Done that?  Now
let's get started.  This phone is located in Little Havana, right across from
Starfish Island.  You have to head to the top of the Cherry Popper Ice Cream
Company roof.  That's where you will do your dirty work.  This is a difficult
mission, so beware.

Go through the gate to get your weapons, then snipe all the people in suits, or
with guns.  Make sure you get ALL of them; there is one hiding behind that car.
Run towards the stairs and fire with an Uzi at the explosive barrel to take out
the car/guards.  Sweet.  Anyway, you will then reach the ledge that you sniped
people from.  Use that vantage point to kill more people, and try to hit as
many explosive boxes to kill multiple guards at the same time.  Once they all
die, head to the left side to get body armor, then head to the right side to
get to the roof.  Kill all of the guys on the roof, even on the billboard.
Make sure you snipe them before they can see you so they can't kill you.  Once
they all die, pick up he briefcase, get into the helicopter and fly away!  Land
in the pink marker at Escobar
International Airport to complete the last mission.  Yay!

Alternate Strategy from Andreas Blankert
----------------------------------------
Here I just grabbed a helicopter, landed it on a building nearby, so that you
can still see the rooftop and then snipe away. Get back in your chopper, fly to
the roof, land it, grab the case and get back in the chopper and off you go.
Mission made easier of course with the Sea Sparrow, just shoot everything
moving on the roof.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                            7.6.5 Cubans: Umberto
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This guy is pretty easy compared to some others you will do or have done.  He
is located in Robina's Cafe in Little Havana.  BTW, you can also rob this
store.  Let's get started.

7.6.5.1 - Mission 1: "STUNT BOAT CHALLENGE"
Reward: $1,000

Only a thousand bucks.  That's dumb.  Anyway, this is a checkpoint race, by
boat.  There are 25 checkpoints and you have to get through them in 3 minutes.
Sounds difficult?  It is sort of hard, but not too bad.  Head out back and get
in the Speeder that's on the dock.  When you go through the first checkpoint
you will start the clock.  You will go in a big, narrow loop.  After you get
all of them, you will get to do the next mission.

7.6.5.2 - Mission 2: "CANNON FODDER"
Reward: $2,000

You are at war with the Haitians.  Fun!  Kind of like the Triads and Mafia in
GTA3.  Anyway, you have to go wreak some havoc by driving many men into the
heart of the Haitians territory.  Don't worry, the men are armed also.  Make
sure you have a 4-door car so everyone can fit.  Head for the pink blip.  Now
you have to help also.  If they all die you get a big F for the mission.  So,
help kill.  My favorite way of getting rid of the barricades are with the
rocket launcher.  Easy breezy.  After that, you will need to take out a sniper;
luckily there is a PSG-1 close by to snipe him with.  A pink arrow marks the
sniper, kill him.  Then proceed and kill the rest of the Haitians there.
Eventually, you will get to a van, you need to hijack it and drive it back to
the cafe to complete the mission.

Alternate strategy from docta docta
-----------------------------------
In the Cubans' second mission, "Cannon Fodder," I was always having trouble
jacking the van before some Haitians could pull me out and kill me. Also, when
I got in the van, they'd shoot it to pieces before they pulled me out. If I was
lucky enough to escape, get health, and come back; hitting a feather would
cause the van to explode. I find it MUCH easier to wait awhile while the Cubans
kill off the large mob of Haitians. Of course, you can help them. Do NOT get in
the van until it's safe. Anyway, by this time, there might only be 3 or 4
Haitians left, and they'd be nowhere near enough to give you any problems.
Also, watch out for a few Haitians back at the gate when you are making your
escape.

7.6.5.3 - Mission 3: "NAVAL ENGAGEMENT"
Reward: $4,000

You get to fight the Haitians again.  This was a really annoying mission for
me, but it really isn't that hard; that is if you have a rocket launcher.
After you take to Umberto, meet Rico in the pink marker by the docks.  He will
give you a Ruger, but with little ammo, so you might have to use your own.  But
I suggest using a Rocket Launcher for more ease.  You must destroy the boats
before they destroy you, always a good idea.  A LOT easier with a rocket
launcher.  Get both of the briefcases that you need to get, one is guarded
HEAVILY, the other not at all.  Use your ruger or something to take out the
guards and get those briefcases.  After you get the second one, and you are
going back to the boat, KABOOM!  His boat explodes.  Oh no! What are we going
to do?  Take a car and drive back to complete the mission.  The next mission is
only available after you complete the Haitian's missions.  Working for the
enemies at the same time?  Cool.

Alternate Strategy from Robert Brown
------------------------------------
All I can say here is Colt Python. There is one that re-spawns in an alley in
Little Haiti. Go west as far as you can go. Watch your map for a bluish square
right off a sharp turn. It's in that Alley. I make it a point to go by each
time I save/load to stock up on ammo. Anyway this mission is quit easy with the
Python. Just auto target the guards on the boats and once you are dropped off
run into the shed with the first brief case. Now use the wall for cover. Duck.
Pop up one shot one kill. Duck. Pop up... etc. Once all the guards are dead
walk to the brief case(I prefer to walk instead of run because there is no
longer anything to run from.) and then make your escape.

Alternate Strategy from Andreas Blankert
----------------------------------------
Take your rocket launcher or other gun in that slot, one that blows up vehicles
fast. Make sure you have it stepping into the pink glow where Rico is, so you
have it ready when needed.
Blow up the two boats, should take you about 5 seconds. Then when you hit land,
run to the left a little bit to stay out of sight. Grab a gun and kill the two
guards who are shooting at you from the hedge.
Now take your sniper and snipe all that you can see. Watch out for three guys:
one standing around the corner on the left side of the house, on the right and
one in the middle in front of the door. Snipe them and grab the cases, your
armor still pretty high.
Now you see the short cut-scene with the boat getting blown up (and still Rico
shows up in the last mission, how strange) and duck inside the boathouse-thing.
Now aim with your python or other aiming gun and shoot those guys.

Now everybody wants you, so run towards your Vercetti mansion. Best way to do
this is to run through the gardens as much as possible, jumping over the
hedges. Get to your mansion and grab armor and health inside if needed and get
to the top and grab your chopper. Fly to the roof of Umberto's cafe; get out,
drop down and your home free!!

Alternate Strategy from Brett Dix
---------------------------------
If you have access to the Sea sparrow or the Hunter you can use them in this
mission. Fly to Umberto's cafe and start the mission. Then, before going to
meet up with Rico, fly the chopper over to Starfish Island and land beside the
pool shaped like the RockStar logo. Go out onto the street and jack a car, then
drive to meet Rico.

Have the rocket launcher ready when you step into the pink circle. When you
regain control over Tommy, take out the boat on the right. Aim for the upper
part of the boat, not the hull otherwise you'll get knocked off your feet and
take some damage. Then take out the boat on the left the same way. The guys on
the dock should have been killed in the two preceding explosions, but if there
are any stragglers, fire a rocket into them too.

After the next cut scene, run to your left immediately. You may take a few
hits, but keep running through the doorway. Keep going around the wharf and
look for a door in the wall on your right. Go through this and you'll see your
chopper. By now you'll have two stars so you might want to go back to the
Vercetti Estate to change your clothes and get some armor and health.

Once you're in the air you can circle the bad guys' house and strafe them with
the minigun or take them out with the missiles if you're in the Hunter.

Once you've taken care of them, check the condition of your chopper. If it's
smoking, go back and swap it for a new one at your mansion...use the Maverick
if you like as you won't need the minigun any more.

Go back to the bad guys' house, land on the tennis court with the road on your
right and leave the door to the chopper open. Go around the front of the house
and collect the briefcase on the wharf first, then go over and collect the two
by the house.

When the next cut scene ends, ignore the guys shooting at you and sprint around
the house to the Chopper. Get in and get out of there...keep moving and don't
hover in one place for too long or you'll get toasted by the Police Helicopter.

Fly to Umberto's place, land on the roof and drop down into the pink circle to
complete the mission.

7.6.5.4 - Mission 4: "TROJAN VOODOO"
Reward: $10,000

In this mission, you will attempt to blow up the Haitian's last hope, and their
factory.  You need to get a Voodoo, not too hard, located by Auntie Poulet.
Once you do, you will be under cover.  Run over as many Haitians as you can
when you have your cover so you don't have to deal with as many later.  Once
you are in, plant the bombs.  You will have 20 seconds to get out of the
factory so you don't die.  You can't get out using the Voodoo trick anymore, so
turn right when facing the gate, and use the stairs in the alley.  Run across
the rooftop into the street.  Once you get out, you will see an explosion an a
10,000 increase in your money.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                     7.6.6 Haitians: Auntie Poulet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These are the Haitian missions, find them Auntie Poulet's house in Little
Haiti.

7.6.6.1 - Mission 1: "JUJU SCRAMBLE"
Reward: $1,000

You have to get several briefcases before the cops get there, hence a time
limit!  This mission is way too hard for a 1000-dollar reward.  Also, when you
pick them up, each one will give you a 2-star rating.  So, if you don't do
anything and just get all three briefcases, you will have a 6-star rating.
Don't go there, it is not fun.  GO to the first one and get the first
briefcase.  No sweat, you should be able to make it to the next briefcase with
a 2-star rating.  Get the second briefcase.  4-stars now, that's not good.  Get
to a police bribe, there is one on the way to the next briefcase.  DON'T GO TO
THE PAY N' SPRAY, you don't have enough time.  Go there after you pick up the
third briefcase.  It will be difficult, but take your time since there is no
time limit anymore.  STAY IN YOUR CAR, getting out is very dangerous.  After
you get the Pay N' Spray, drive peacefully back to get a measly $1,000.

7.6.6.2 - Mission 2: "BOMBS AWAY"
Reward: $2,000

This mission is kind of fun.  You get to use RC Bi-planes to bomb people.
Actually you bomb boats, but same thing right?  Anyway, drive to the Top Fun
van so we can get started.  The plane is heavier than usual, so keep that in
mind when taking off.  When you get to the yellow blip in your plane, bomb the
three boats there and the Cubans.  One will try to get away in a vehicle, just
follow him and try to anticipate how to hit him and such.  Before you follow
him, make sure there is no one else (no more green blips) for you to kill.
After you blow up his car, its mission complete.

7.6.6.3 - Mission 3: "DIRTY LICKIN'S"
Reward: $4,000

There is a brawl going on between the Cubans and the Haitians.  You have to use
a sniper rifle, to aide the Haitians in the fight.  When you leave Auntie
Poulet's, you will see a group of people with arrows over their heads.  Shoot
them, not the guys they fight.  North of where they are fighting, there is a
building with some stairs, and go up them.  Also, grab the Adrenaline pill to
slow it down a little for you.  Once you are on top of the building, head into
the pink marker and start shooting.  After you kill the first wave, don't leave
because reinforcements will come.  After a while, after you kill all the
Cubans, and at least one Haitian is alive, you complete the mission and are
finished with her.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                              7.7 Asset Missions
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

These are missions available after purchasing an asset.  Some assets don't have
missions, but most of them do.  Here we go.  In the case of Phil Cassidy, you
will get an asset called Phil's Place when you beat his two missions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                        7.7.1 Porn Empire: Steve Scott
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ah, only in a Grand Theft Auto game.  Anyway, you will be able to do his
missions first from Prawn Island.  These are missions gained after you purchase
the asset Film Studio.

7.7.1.1 - Mission 1: "RECRUITMENT DRIVE"
Reward: $1,000

He needs you to recruit some more women for his video.  They are Candy Suxx and
Mercedes.  Getting Mercedes is easy, but Candy Suxx isn't a walk in the park.
Head to the pink blip to find Candy Suxx.  When you get there, Candy's pimp
gets out of a car and gives you a present of many armed thugs!  Mow them over
then take off after the pimp.  As soon as you kill him by blowing him up or
shooting him out of his car, go back and get Candy.  After you get her, go get
Mercedes inside the restaurant.  Have them both come with you and take them
back to the studio to get your money.

7.7.1.2 - Mission 2: "DILDO DODO"
Reward: $2,000

Hmm, interesting name.  It makes sense though.  You need to use a skimmer to
drop flyers all over town.  You have limited fuel, so that is kind of like a
time limit.  It is basically checkpoints, and you have to go through all the 12
checkpoints.  I think it is easiest to start over the dirt ring.  As soon as
you pass through the checkpoint, a continuous stream of flyers are going to
fall out of your plane.
Once you get all 12 checkpoints you will have completed the mission.

7.7.1.3 - Mission 3: "MARTHA"S MUG SHOT"
Reward: $4,000

This mission is scandalous!  Congressman Alex Shrub is trying to take the
studio out of business for the inappropriate videos.  You have to prove
otherwise.  You will get a camera from Steve so you can take a picture of
Shrub.  Candy will get in a limo to go to one of Alex Shrub's parties.  You
follow her in a helicopter and go into the building across from where she goes
in, where you go in is called WK Chariot Hotel.  Get to the roof of the hotel
by using the side door, then zoom in on Candy and Shrub talking in...very
little clothes.  Don't worry, they are just talking. :)  Anyway, once you take
3 of their pictures together, you will have to get the evidence back to the
studio.  Easy?  Not with a 5-star rating it isn't!  Now, the easiest way is to
just hop back into your helicopter and fly back, or get to a Pay N' Spray.
Mission completed, and there is one mission left.

Alternate Strategy from Joe Mason
---------------------------------
Instead of actually entering the hotel opposite the pair, once you've flown
there in the Sparrow just land on the ledge directly in front of Shrub and
Candy (on the outside of the hotel opposite - level with their balcony), zoom
the camera in, take your 3 photos and whisk back to the film studio sans
hassle. Simple.

Alternate Strategy from SpOiLeDbRaT
-----------------------------------
Yeah, uh, I know it's kind of late but I beat this game in November. Anyway, I
was playing it again the other day when I was on the mission called, "Martha's
Mug Shot" well, when you start the mission you can use your sniper to shoot the
driver from the front window, then the door will be left open and you can get
in, wait till Candy gets into the car and the car will automatically drive
without your steering! It will drive you to the motel, then when you get out
try to leave the door open to the limo and you can drive it around to the motel
where you have to take the pictures. If the door closes then the limo will
lock. It's a really hot trick; you should try!

7.7.1.4 - Mission 4: "G-SPOTLIGHT"
Reward: $8,000, and $8,000 a day for completing the asset.

This is one of the most fun missions in the game.  You have to set a spotlight
of Candy Suxx on a building, so everyone can see.  Getting to the spotlight is
the fun part.  You get to jump from building to building on a motorcycle.
There is a time limit of 7 minutes (thanks to OzzyRush), but TAKE YOUR TIME.
Find the longest strip of pavement to get maximum speed of the jumps.  If you
fall of though, you have to start over.  At one point, you can start halfway
over, but that's it.  Once you reach the spotlight, get off the bike and enter
the pink marker to move the spotlight and complete the mission.

Alternate Strategy contributed by Eric Walden
---------------------------------------------

You need to own Hyman condo for this. Once you get to the top of the first
building. Jump off with the bike, then go to the condo and get the helicopter.
Just land in each of the pink markers until you get to the end.  Land on the
final building with the spotlight, jump out and walk to the final pink marker.
Once inside, he will adjust the spotlight. Mission done, you now have access to
the buildings so you can do some of the unique jumps later and you will now
earn money for the film studio.

Another strategy from Nick Corrie
---------------------------------
Once you get to the part where the first bridge pops down, your PCJ is most
likely to be in a bad way. Just get of, walk down the bridge, go across to the
dirt track and hop on the Sanchez. It is MUCH better at doing the jumps and is
new, less likely to blow up!

Alternate Strategy from Andreas Blankert
----------------------------------------
I read the alternative way Eric Walden wrote and it's the easiest way I found
to do it too. Except you don't even need to go all the way to the Hyman Condo!
Just drop down after the first jump or even before and go to the building
opposite of where you started the mission. Here you have the police maverick
and simply land from spot to spot to easily complete this mission.

Additional Notes from Daniel Fomin
----------------------------------
RE: Mission 4: "G-SPOTLIGTHT"
Reward: $8,000
One: DO NOT USE A HELICOPTER, it is much more easier for the GAME not the
MISSION, It gets you a few Unique Jumps. There is also a obvious strategy...
start the mission at 7:05... it'll be a lot more easier!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                       7.7.2 Boatyard: Checkpoint Race
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

7.7.2.1 - Mission: "CHECKPOINT CHARLIE"
Reward: $0, Boatyard asset is completed

You get no money, but you get the asset completed.  Also, if you do this race
again and win, each time you get $1,000 more than the time before.  But each
time it gets harder to see, so it is more difficult.  When you go out to the
docks, there are 2 boats to choose from.  The Squallo and the Cuban Jetmax are
available.  The Squallo is faster; the Cuban Jetmax is easier to control.
Choose whatever boat fits your style.  Go through all of the checkpoints in the
time limit to complete the asset.  Not too difficult right?

Different Results from drum er
-------------------------------
Mission: Checkpoint Charlie
Reward:  $5,000, and $2,000 a day for completing asset

I used the Squallo and beat the race with one second left on the clock.  The
game gave me a $5,000 reward and $2,000 a day.  Maybe you only receive an award
if you haven't used any cheat codes or it may depend on the boat used.

Additional Information from Daniel Fomin
----------------------------------------
RE: Mission: "CHECKPOINT CHARLIE"
Reward: $0, Boatyard asset is completed
It seems you say it is harder to see each time you do this. That is not true.
It is just that you get 30 seconds less each time. So if its your first extra
time doing this, you'll have 2:30, the second extra time, you'll have 2:00, the
third extra time, 1:30... I believe the last one is 30 seconds, Im not sure...
but 30 seconds WOULD be impossible. Also, just so you're not confused...
Squallo is the one that has one of those glide bars and the Cuban Jetmax has a
black strip in its paint job.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                              7.7.3 Kaufman Cabs
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

7.7.3.1 - Mission 1: "V.I.P"
Reward: $1,000

You have to pick up a V.I.P. and take him to a place for a fare.  Get into the
cab, and drive over there as fast as possible.  You only have a minute so get
there quickly.  Once you get there sound the horn.  He will come out as
planned...but wait!  Another cab has picked him up.  You can't have them
stealing your fare, so go after them and damage their car as much as possible.
After enough damage, the guy gets out of that car and into yours.  Then drive
peacefully to the airport and get your grand.

Alternate Strategy from Andreas Blankert
----------------------------------------
This mission is easier to complete if you stop your car in the direction you'll
be heading when the other cab picks up the V.I.P., that way you can start the
chase without having to turn.
When the V.I.P gets into your taxi, do an Uzi drive-by at the other taxi to
make sure he's not bugging you the rest of the way.

7.7.3.2 - Mission 2: "FRIENDLY RIVALRY"
Reward: $2,000

Hmm, I wouldn't call it friendly rivalry.  VC cabs are stealing your fares, and
you have to teach them a lesson.  You need to track down three of their cabs
and destroy them.  I would not suggest ramming them, because when they get
close to you they start ramming you.  That works to your advantage actually, as
you can drive-by them while they are trying to ram you.  But make sure when
they catch on fire that you get away or you will blow up.  Not too hard of a
mission, and it's the prequel to the last of the Kaufman Cabs missions.

7.7.3.3 - Mission 3: "CABMAGEDDON"
Reward: $3,000, $5,000 a day for the asset, and a Zebra Cab

This is kinda tricky.  You have to fight the VC Taxi Corporation and take them
down.  At first, you are instructed to pick up Mercedes, but it's a trap as
usual.  This at first is pretty easy, what you do is go to 8-Ball, the yellow
marker, get a bomb on your car, then set it and leave it.  The cars will swarm
around you, and then the bomb will explode, destroying all of those stupid taxi
drivers.  You don't have to do this, but it will get them off your tail.  You
have to stay alive for one minute, and the boss comes in with his Zebra Cab.
You will have to kill him somehow.  The easiest way I thought is to jump on top
of the taxi when it tries to run into you, and then press the triangle button.
Tommy will fall down and get into the taxi.  Then drive around in it and kill
him with his own taxi.  Ah, the sweet smell of victory.  Anyway, that's the
last mission for the taxi company.

Additional Strategy from Andrew Harper
--------------------------------------
BRING A ROCKERT LAUNCHER!
At the start of the last Taxi company mission just drive around the area (you
will get hit but its okay). When the Zebra taxi comes in just ram him but my
taxi blew up. I got out and moved out the way of the zebra taxi got a good
distance and blew him to pieces with the Rocket Launcher.

Additional Strategy from Andrew Cheung
--------------------------------------
Get the rocket launcher.  Drive towards the back of the yard (there is a low
wall there)  Wait until the cab is on fire and then get out and get onto the
wall.  Run towards the big containers and wait for the explosion.  All the cabs
should be have blown up as well but if not you will see them try and reach you
but will be stopped by the container.
If there are more cabs, select the rocket launcher, run past them (staying on
the wall) and then shoot them (one rocket should be enough).

When the boss in his zebra car appears use the rocket launcher to blow him up,
I think it took 2 rockets.

Another strategy from Tony Black
--------------------------------
I have a fun method for completing the Cabmageddon Mission in GTA:VC.
Enjoy!

Before attempting this method, you will need to have done the following
-
Delivered 100 passengers in Taxi R3 missions
Collected 90 hidden packages & stashed a tank in a garage (Vercetti mansion,
Hyman Condo, Sunshine Autos) - or have a rocket launcher handy.

When you sound the horn in the pink light, and the enemy taxis enter the area,
drive towards them, and jump of the gate in the taxi.
Don't worry if it tips over - just get out and get another vehicle.

Go and get your tank. If you don't have a tank, get a rocket launcher - if you
have not collected enough hidden packages for a rocket launcher, get one from a
swimming pool behind a building near between the airport and where this mission
should be played. By the time you return, the Zebra Cab will have entered the
fray and will be locked behind the gate, leaving you to blast it to bits. If
the driver gets out before the zebra cab blows, finish him of to complete the
mission.

##Making this mission last even longer##
If you are too close to the area when the Zebra Cab enters and you are on the
outside of the gate, he will turn round and come after you - chasing you
everywhere. Have fun!

Additional Strategy from Frozen Death
-------------------------------------
I found a really easy way to beat it.  Just out run all the other cabs, easy
enough if you stay in your cab and dodge them.  Then, when the zebra cab comes
out, simple drive down to the area by the water, get out of your car (after
he's hit you and 'bounced back') when he's recovering. Then stand by the water.
When he comes driving at you, jump out of the way, and he will drive into the
water.

Alternate Strategy from Andreas Blankert
----------------------------------------
Firstly, go to the pink marker, and park your cab next to it, but not in it!!
Now run back to the road and get a Linerunner (or a tank, even better) and
bring it back, park it next to your cab, close enough so that you can switch
cars rapidly. Good way is to leave the door open of course. Now get into the
cab, drive into the pink marker and as soon as you can, get out and get into
the Linerunner. This should make it easy to last the minute, with the tank? No
problem at all. With the zebra-cab, simply fire a rocket or smash him with the
Linerunner and then drag him out and kill him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                          7.7.4 The Malibu: Bank Heist
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I thought that the driver mission was one of the hardest in the game.  It was
really challenging and I would appreciate other people's ways on how they beat
it.  In the Malibu missions, you are organizing a bank heist and there are
several people you need to do this robbery.  These next few missions, leading
up to the last one, are to get those people.

7.7.4.1 - Mission 1: "NO ESCAPE?"
Reward: $1,000

You have to get the safecracker in this mission.  You have to break him out of
jail.  Get into a police uniform; there is one in the locker room in the police
station if you need it.  Then go upstairs to find the keycard needed to bust
Cam Jones out.  He is in the basement, so go into the pink marker there to get
him out.  Now you have a 4-star wanted rating and you have to shrug it off.
Get to the nearest Pay N' Spray to get rid of the rating, and go back to the
hotel to get your grand and his services.

7.7.4.2 - Mission 2: "THE SHOOTIST"
Reward: $2,000

This mission is cool I think.  You need to get Phil Cassidy, the weapon
specialist.  You need to go through a shooting range and beat his score to get
him on your team.  So, go to the downtown AmmuNation and find the pink marker
that leads to the back of the store where Cassidy is waiting.  There are three
different rooms and you get two minutes to get as many as you can in each one.
The point systems are the closer ones are one point, the middle ones are two,
and the farthest ones are three points.  To get those, you have to shoot down
all of the parts of that thing you are trying to shoot down.  If you beat 60,
you get 2 grand, him, and the next mission.

7.7.4.3 - Mission 3: "THE DRIVER"
Reward: $3,000

Wow, this is soooo hard.  You have to race Hillary to get him for your driver
in the bank heist.  Now it might sound easy, but you are driving a Sentinel,
and he is driving a very fast sports car.  Sounds hard?  Well, you will also
have a 2 star rating to go against.  Sounds harder?  Well it is hard so get
ready.  The only way I've been able to beat it is to keep your foot on the
petal at all times, use the sidewalks often, and try to get him in a crash.
Many people have e-mailed me saying that making him crash will still let him
win.  Try to get him to crash towards the end of the course, making it a breeze
for you to drive to victory.  Once you complete this tough mission, you are now
gonna rob the bank, finally.  Also, after this mission you can complete the
Assassin Missions and finish the mission "LOOSE ENDS."

Alternate Strategy from Chapel
------------------------------
I jumpstarted my wanted level early.  When the race started Hillary had great
difficulty keeping up with me.  I even checked back with rear viewing once in a
while.  I hadn't seen him since Ocean Beach.

You need a three-star wanted level to ensure your success.  Four is too much.
If you hit that level the Vice City Police Department will soundly run you into
the ground with their SWAT trucks.  Simply walk into the Malibu Club, and use a
sword or a pistol to take out the cop inside and any club denizens in your way.
I saw a sword or pistol b/c it's easy to regulate.  I tried the automatic
weapons and explosives and it got me to a four-star.

The police are random, as you know, so it's kind of a hit and miss to make it
work.  But it's sure as hell a lot easier doing it this way then having to do
it with the two star (which I noted doesn't really call much to the cop's
attention when you race).

Alternate Strategy from Kyle Lawler
-----------------------------------
I was reading your strategy guide and I used a different method to bet the
mission the driver.  I got a hotring racer before the mission and parked it
after the first curve.  After the mission started I took off in the sentinel
and when I got to the hotring racer I got out of the sentinel and into the
hotring racer.  After that it was just a game of catch-up and I easily beat
him.

Additional Strategy from gac.c
------------------------------
I found this mission very, very hard but when I used the PCJ 600 it made it so
much easier.  Just get a PCJ 600 and park it at the first turn during the race.
Just follow the instructions on where to park your car found in other
strategies.  After you reach the corner just get out of the sentinel and hop on
to the PCJ 600.  This will make the race alottttt easier.  Just drive the bike
carefully but fast making sure that you don't hit the posts, trees, or other
cars coz you'll get thrown out of the bike. I guarantee you you'll beat Hillary
with a lot of time to spare...

Alternate Strategy from FriskMeForDrugs
---------------------------------------
Mission 3 of the Malibu Club is "The Driver." It's probably the most difficult
mission in the game, so when I had trouble with it, I did what I usually do, go
straight to Cheat Code Central to find a better strategy. But nothing was
working! So, I had to justify cheating. And I did so by recognizing that in the
race, Hilary has a Sabre, and you have a Sentinel; it's an unfair advantage!
Now if you have found yourself in my situation where you couldn't even keep up
with Hilary (like me), do what I did. Forget morality, and cheat like a winner.
I find that it's best if you use more than one cheat.

First you must slower the game play. This helps because you can see all the
turns and possible shortcuts way ahead of time. Do this before you enter the
Malibu Club. You can slow things down by pressing Triangle, Up, Down, Right,
Square, R2, R1. The more you enter the code, the slower it gets. Then race.
After you pass the first turn, your wanted level shoots up to 2 stars, get rid
of it by pressing R1(2), Circle, R2, Up, Down, Up, Down, Up, Down.

Now you're guaranteed victory. No cops, you'll beat Hilary by a mile, and you
can move on. A little cheating never hurt anyone.

Additional Notes from Daniel Fomin
----------------------------------
RE: Mission 3: "THE DRIVER"
Reward: $3,000
I found this mission extremely easy. You make such a big fuss over it! Just get
a Hotring Racer (If you cant find one, do this R1, Circle, R2, Right, L1, L2,
X, X, Square, R1) and park it right after the first bridge you pass (where you
hear the announcement of the two star rating), get out of it, start the
mission, get out of the Sentinel when you are near it, enter it (right after
you press Triangle, to get rid of the wanted-ness do this, R1, R1, Circle, R2,
Up, Down, Up, Down, Up, Down). Now, just stay behind Hilary, before you get to
the hospital, go in front of him and go as fast as this baby can go, pretty
soon... you'll beat him!

Alternate Strategy from Yubney
------------------------------
This mission just about had me quitting the game.  I tried at least 40x, and
still couldn't get it with the strategies I read and using cheats.  How I beat
it was to simply keep the Sentinel and don't try to pass Hilary, he'll only tip
you and wipe you out.  Just keep on his butt, and towards the end just before
you turn back south to the Malibu keep to Hilary's left side rear and tip him
into the construction yard.  He won't be able to recover in time, and it
doesn't hurt to cut the last corner blindly through the bushes.

Alternate Strategy from Brett Dix
---------------------------------
This mission just about had me quitting the game.  I tried at least 40x, and
still couldn't get it with the strategies I read and using cheats.  How I beat
it was to simply keep the Sentinel and don't try to pass Hilary, he'll only tip
you and wipe you out.  Just keep on his butt, and towards the end just before
you turn back south to the Malibu keep to Hilary's left side rear and tip him
into the construction yard.  He won't be able to recover in time, and it
doesn't hurt to cut the last corner blindly through the bushes.

Alternate Strategy from Jiesheng
--------------------------------
I've a strategy for the mission 'the driver', this strategy is for
those inept in high speed driving, so even switching to a hotring wouldn't do
us much good.  Basically all you have to do is to line up a packer across the
street of the race route.  Park your packer with the front part close to the
bridge (at the first turn), when Hillary approaches, he will try to go past the
packer on the right-sided pavement, which is why the gap between the packer and
the bridge should be as close as possible so that he can't squeeze through.  If
you do this right, he will get stuck and the cops will smash him, while u can
go past the packer easily on the ramp side and stroll to the finish line.

Alternate Strategy from Alkatr0z
--------------------------------
My alternate for The Driver mission. This does not include any other
cars or cheats. I finished it in the first go and well I found it quite
easy myself. Anyway everyone finds different ones hard. Here it is:
Slide around corners (I always do it anyway just for fun). And whenever
you're alongside him drive by that car! I do that in all the racing
missions. Quite often they'll lose it and swerve out a bit giving you a
small but crucial advantage. And that's all I actually did to win. No
shortcuts or anything like that.

Alternate Strategy from Andrew Hatch
------------------------------------
I found this mission like mostly everyone to be a very tough mission. I tried 
all manner of tricks including using a Line Runner to block the path of Hillary 
and so on but in the end the solution is quite simple and doesn't involve 
cheats or different cars.

When you start off keep it nailed, as you go past the bridge and take
the right fork in the road you should be pretty much level with the
rear quarter panel of the Sabre Turbo. Swerve hard into the Sabre,
don't hit it softly, slam into it as this will cause Hillary to spin
out and crash. If you have cops chasing you chances are he'll hit them
too. This will buy you a lot of time so it's just a matter now of
driving hard, sticking to the right side of the road as much as
possible to avoid head on collisions with cops. He may catch you as
it's pretty hard not to hit cars, poles etc... but if he does just let
him pass. Don't try and block him just give him plenty of room and as
soon as your nose is level with the rear quarter as he passes you slam
hard into his car to make him spin again.  It took me maybe three
attempts using this method but that was about it. I found it's easier
if you start with a two star wanted level but not three stars as this
increases the chances of you crashing into cops.

Alternate Strategy from balo00
------------------------------
I had tried this mission 3 times and screwed up on the 3rd screw up I 
just killed policemen and got to 3 stars on accident. Thinking the 
stars would go away if I started the mission. I went to do it, and they 
didn't go away, while we were counting off...3...2...BOOOOM police car 
rams Hillary and I get a boost and go zooming off I get as many check 
points as I can and go to pay n spray and finish the race. Note: 
Hillary is just slowed down a bit he caught up a bit but was still 
dazed out.

Very good information from Kon
------------------------------
I have attempted to complete this mission a few times already and I 
have read all the cheating and strategy info, but decided that it was 
possible to complete the mission as is. After all, the race takes place 
in the city, so the unfair advantage of the faster car is taken away by 
the oncoming traffic and the abundance of turns. If you notice he steps 
on his breaks a lot. However, there are a couple of things I wanted to 
add. At this stage I have not beaten the mission for the following 
reasons: His car is indestructible! You can shoot the tires but even 
with several shots from a rocket launcher his car will remain in tact. 
Also, if you pass him, the course will suddenly change. I have raced 
out the course several times memorizing turns and paths, however when I 
passed him the course changed into a sharp turn which I completely 
missed. Watch out for that. Also watch out for the cop trap in the 
middle of the race, when you make a right turn onto a freeway the two 
cop cars slam into you, hit your breaks before making the turn and they 
will slam into each other. 

7.7.4.4 - Mission 4: "THE JOB"
Reward: $30,000, and $10,000 a day revenue.

It's finally time to rob this bank, for your $30,000 dollar reward!!  That's a
lot of money.  But this is a hard mission, so be prepared.  Before you leave in
the cab, make sure you got everyone, and then Hillary will take you to the
bank, park outside and wait for your return.  Enter the pink marker to the
right of the entrance, and you will change clothes.  Now you can go in.  You
will go upstairs with Cam to unlock the safe.  Guards will attack you so be
ready to attack them.  BTW, there is armor in the security monitoring room on
the second floor, and a health icon is located in the manager's office.  Then
go up the elevator with Jones so he can crack the safe.  He says go back down
cause it will take too long.  So go back down and get the manager in a second
floor office.  Take him upstairs with you and leave him with Jones.  Now an
alarm will go off and you will have a 3 star wanted rating.  Hide behind a
desk, preferable the one by the stairs so you can see everyone in front of you.
Pick off the SWAT team that comes in through the ventilation shafts in the
ceiling.  Once everyone has stopped coming, your cue to leave is a pink marker
by the front doors.  Get ready for more shootin'!  Once you get outside,
Hillary pulls up...and gets shot.  Oh well, what's a mission without driving
right?  Shoot all of the people around the car and drive away.  Get to a Pay N'
Spray ASAP and then drive back peacefully to the hotel.  Mission Completed.

Additional information from Adrian Acuff
----------------------------------------
I noticed that you (among others) said that the reward for the mission "the
job" is $30,000 and other say its $50,000. I personally got $50,000 but when I
finished the mission Cam was dead. When I got back to the place, Tommy and Phil
said "Too bad Cam didn't make it back. Oh well. Hey, more for us!" or something
like that. I think that whether Cam survives or not may determine you reward
(Phil has to survive).

The After Party from Daniel Fomin
--------------------------------
$1,000 FREE AFTER THE BANK JOB MISSION: After the mission where you rob the
bank, go back to the bank. Go through the hallway where it is dark. Go through
have of it, and you'll have FOUR STARS!!! Go into that room where the manager
was and there will be two stacks of money, each worth $500. Take both, leave,
go back in to get it again... it keeps regenerating each time you leave the
banks, so this trick got me $200,000... though I was bored as Hell.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                      7.7.5 Phil Cassidy: Gun Warehouse
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You get his phone call after the Malibu Missions are done.  It is an asset
because after you complete his missions, you get the Gun Warehouse Asset.
After he phones you on the cell phone, you will see a "P" on the map.  Go there
to start the mission.

7.7.5.1 - Mission 1: "GUN RUNNER"
Reward: $2,000

You have to take down some gunman on wheels and take their weapons.  There are
four of them.  Go into the Patriot and head towards two of the yellow blips.
They are close together; so they look like one blip, so don't despair.  Once
you get to them, use drive-by to shoot the gunman off the trucks.  Also, you
should blow up the trucks, otherwise they will chase you.  After you do that,
smash open the crates and grab the weapon.  Rinse and repeat.  Then, go after
the arms dealer and kill him in his small truck.  Then the mission will be
completed.

7.7.5.2 - Mission 2: "BOOMSHINE SAIGON"
Reward: $4,000, Phil's Place Asset, lots of cool weapons.

This mission is pretty hard.  Doing isn't hard, but there is a pretty strict
time limit, and you have to steer very carefully.  Somehow, Phil manages to
shoot his arm off, don't ask how.  Anyway, you have to drive him to the
hospital.  Be very careful, and watch Phil's health.  Once you get to the
hospital, he says there are too many police and gang members here.  So now you
have to take him to his personal physician.  Once you do that, the mission is
finally completed.

Additional Notes from Daniel Fomin
------------------------------------
RE: Mission 2: "BOOMSHINE SAIGON"
Reward: $4,000, Phil's Place Asset, lots of cool weapons.
In this mission portfolio, you forgot to mention that you are drunken yourself,
and everything is blurry, and your car is soooooooo hard to steer, add that to
the very strict time limit. And if that's not enough, if you let a cop spot
you, you will hear "10-4, we got a drunk driver" and a one-star wanted
rating... just thought I'd clear that up!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                     7.7.6 - Print Works: Counterfeiting
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is the last asset and some of the last couple missions in the game.  The
Print Works is 70,000 bucks, and it is worth it.  There are two missions in
this asset.

7.7.6.1 - Mission 1: "SPILLING THE BEANS"
Reward: $2,000

You need to get some information from a Shipping Officer.  Not too difficult.
But first, you need to talk to Kent Paul to see where this guy is.  So take the
Kaufman Taxi to the Malibu hotel and talk to Kent Paul.  He tells you about the
shipping officer and tells you where he is.  Make sure you use the car for this
one because you will need it on the way back.  He is located in the Chartered
Libertine Lines boat at the docks in Viceport.  Once you go inside there will
be some thugs, but take care of them easily.  Once you get to the pink marker
at the north end of the boat, you will get the information, and a 2 star wanted
rating.  Don't fret, there is a Pay N' Spray just south of there, so make use
of it and drive peacefully back to Print Works.  One more mission!!

Alternate Strategy from Andreas Blankert
----------------------------------------
Park your car on the grass next to the gate on the backside of the boat. Now
run across the street and snipe all the guards you can see. Now run up the boat
and to the spot, ignoring all the guards. After you've been there, run back
down and jump off of the boat, right next to your car. Now drive to the pay 'n'
spray and it's all good.

7.7.6.2 - Mission 2: "HIT THE COURIER"
Reward: $5,000, and $8,000 a day revenue for the Print Works

You need to intercept the courier and get the plates before anybody else.  Go
down by the docks and wait for the courier to land.  But before she gets there,
eliminate the lady assassins that are standing around, make sure you don't miss
the one on the roof.  Also, to make this mission ten time easier, shoot the
tires out from the car.  It will make it much easier to catch the car.  Once
she gets in take off after her and destroy her car.  The plates will be yellow
blips on the map, retrieve them and take them back to the Print Works.  Yay,
now you are all done with the side missions.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                               7.8 Game Script
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
             S T O R Y L I N E  M I S S I O N S  S C R I P T
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                            Character Key

    SONNY = Sonny Forelli                     AUNTIE = Auntie Poulet
    TOMMY = Tommy Vercetti                        BJ = B.J. Smith
      KEN = Ken Rosenberg                      AVERY = Avery Carrington
    BAKER = Mitch Baker                       DONALD = Donald Love
   CORTEZ = Juan Garcia Cortez              MERCEDES = Mercedes Cortez
     DIAZ = Ricardo Diaz                        PHIL = Phil Cassidy
      CAM = Cam Jones                         HILARY = Hilary King
    STEVE = Steve Scott                        CANDY = Candy Suxxx
    LANCE = Lance Vance                      UMBERTO = Umberto Robina
    KELLY = Ernest Kelly                        PAUL = Kent Paul
    SHRUB = Alex Shrub                       ALBERTO = Alberto Robina
=======================================================================
1.                              I N T R O
=======================================================================

Marco's Bistro, Liberty City 1986

SONNY: Tommy Vercetti...Huh! shit.
SONNY: Didn't think they'd ever let him out.
SONNY: He kept his head down, helps people forget.
SONNY: People will remember soon enough.
SONNY: When they see him walking down the streets of their neighborhoods.
SONNY: It will be bad for business.
 MAN1: Well, what are we gonna do, Sonny?
SONNY: We treat him like an old friend and keep him busy out of town. OK?
SONNY: We been talking about expanding down South, right?
SONNY: Vice City is twenty-four carat gold these days.
SONNY: The Colombians, the Mexicans, hell,
SONNY: even those Cuban refugees are cutting themselves a piece
SONNY: of some nice action.
 MAN2: But it's all drugs, Sonny,
 MAN2: None of the families will touch that shit!
SONNY: Times are changing.
SONNY: The families can't keep their backs turned while our enemies
SONNY: reap the rewards.
SONNY: So, we send someone down to do the dirty work for us...
SONNY: and cut ourselves a nice quiet slice. OK?
SONNY: Who's our contact down there?
 MAN1: Ken Rosenberg, schmuck of a lawyer.
 MAN1: How's he gonna hold Vercetti's leash?
SONNY: We don't need him to.
SONNY: We just set him loose in Vice City,
SONNY: we give him a little cash to get started. OK?
SONNY: Give it a few months.
SONNY: Then we go down,
SONNY: pay him a little visit, right?
SONNY: see how he's doing.

Escobar International Airport, Vice City

  KEN: Hey, hey, guys! It's, uh, Ken Rosenberg here! Hey!
  KEN: Heh, heh, hey, great, hey!
  KEN: Well, uh, I'm gonna drive you guys to the meet, okay?
  KEN: Now, I've talked to the suppliers and they are very, huh-ha,
  KEN: keen to start a business relationship, so, uh,
  KEN: if all goes well, we should, uh,
  KEN: be doing very nicely for ourselves, which is, y'know...
  KEN: good..
  KEN: Okay, so. They're brothers, okay.
  KEN: One operates the uh, the business,
  KEN: and the other one does the flying.

Vice City Docks

  KEN: Ok, that's them in the chopper.
  KEN: All right, here's the deal.
  KEN: They want a straight exchange on open ground.
  KEN: All right? Ok. Stay tight, let's go.

TOMMY: Got it?
  MAN: 100% pure grade-A Colombian, my friend.
TOMMY: Let me see it.
  MAN: The greens?
TOMMY: Tens and twenties...used.
  MAN: I think we have a deal, my friend. HA HA!
TOMMY: Oh Shit!
TOMMY: Go on, get out of here! Drive!

Vice Beach, outside Ken's office

  KEN: I poke my head out of the gutter for one freakin' second,
  KEN: and fate shovels shit in my face!
TOMMY: Go get some sleep.
  KEN: What are you gonna do?
TOMMY: I'll drop by your office tomorrow
TOMMY: and we can start sorting this mess out.
----------------
a. AN OLD FRIEND
----------------
TOMMY: Hello Sonny.
SONNY: Tommy! Tommy, it's been too long.
SONNY: I know, I know. You're just overwhelmed with emotion.
SONNY: Fifteen years - seems like only yesterday.
TOMMY: I guess that's a perspective thing.
SONNY: Hey, doing time for the family is no piece of cake,
SONNY: but the family looks after its own, ok?
SONNY: So, how'd the deal go down - you sitting on some white gold?
TOMMY: Look Sonny, we were set up. The deal was an ambush.
TOMMY: Harry and Lee are dead.
SONNY: You better be kidding me Tommy. Tell me you still got the money.
TOMMY: ...no Sonny...I don't have the money.
SONNY: That was my money, Tommy, MY MONEY!
SONNY: You better not be screwing me Tommy
SONNY: because you know I'm not a man to be screwed with!
TOMMY: Wait Sonny.
TOMMY: You have my personal assurance that I'm going to get your money back
TOMMY: and the drugs.
TOMMY: And I'm gonna mail you the dicks of those responsible.
SONNY: Hey, I already know that. You're not a fool Tommy,
SONNY: but I warn you, neither am I.
SONNY: If it was anybody else you'd be DEAD already.
SONNY: But because it's you, because we got history,
SONNY: I'm gonna let you handle this.
TOMMY: Look, Sonny, you got my word.
TOMMY: I'll be in touch.
=======================================================================
2.                       K E N  R O S E N B E R G
=======================================================================
------------
a. THE PARTY
------------
  KEN: Go get some sleep, he says -
  KEN: I have been sitting in this chair all night with the lights off
  KEN: drinking coffee!
  KEN: This is a disaster. We are so screwed, man!
  KEN: These gorillas, listen to me, are gonna come down here
  KEN: and rip my head off. It's ridiculous!
  KEN: I did NOT go to law school for this! Ok,
  KEN: now what the hell are we gonna do?
TOMMY: Shut up, sit down, relax. I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
TOMMY: You're gonna find out who took our cocaine -
TOMMY: and then, I'm gonna kill them.
  KEN: That's a good idea. That's a GREAT idea.
  KEN: Let me think, let me think, let me think.
  KEN: OH! There's this retired Colonel, Colonel Juan Garcia Cortez.
  KEN: He's the one that helped me set up this deal
  KEN: well away from Vice City's established thugs. Ok?
  KEN: Now, listen. He's holding his party out in the bay
  KEN: on his expensive yacht
  KEN: and all of Vice City's big players are gonna be there. OK?
  KEN: I have an invite, of course I have an invite,
  KEN: but there's no way that I'm going out there,
  KEN: sticking my head out the door - no way! Not gonna happen.
TOMMY: I told you, shut up! I'll go myself...
  KEN: Ho - whoa, whoa! Hey, I like 1978 too,
  KEN: but, y'know, this isn't gonna be a beer and strippers do.
  KEN: I mean, no offense, but I think that you might turn heads
  KEN: on the runway for the wrong reasons.
TOMMY: What's wrong with the way I'm dressed?
  KEN: Ok, look, here. Stop by Rafael's, tell him I sent 'ya.
  KEN: He'll make you look respectable.
  KEN: OK, go, c'mon...

  CORTEZ: Buenas noches.
  CORTEZ: I understand you are here on the behalf of Mr. Rosenberg,
  CORTEZ: I hope any recent problems have not affected his health, or uh,
  CORTEZ: mental well being, Mr...uh?
   TOMMY: Vercetti. He's just got a touch of...agoraphobia.
  CORTEZ: Excellent, excellent. And you?
   TOMMY: I just want my merchandise.
  CORTEZ: Ah. It's an unfortunate set of circumstances for all involved.
  CORTEZ: Of course I have initiated my own lines of inquiry,
  CORTEZ: but such a delicate matter will take time.
  CORTEZ: Perhaps we will talk later.
  CORTEZ: Meanwhile, let me introduce you to my daughter,
  CORTEZ: Mercedes!
  CORTEZ: Caramia, could you look after our guest
  CORTEZ: while I attend to my necessary obligations?
MERCEDES: Of course, daddy.
  CORTEZ: Please excuse me.
   TOMMY: Mercedes!?
MERCEDES: You try living with it.
MERCEDES: Anyway, let me point out some of our more distinguished guests...
MERCEDES: That's our congressman Alex Shrub with rising silicone star
MERCEDES: Candy Suxxx...
   SHRUB: And have you met my lovely wife Laura? No?
   SHRUB: Well, unfortunately she's in Alabama. This is Candy.
MERCEDES: And over there we have the Vice City Mambas' star tight end, BJ -
MERCEDES: always the charmer.
      BJ: I blocked down on him and then I put him in a wheelchair!
   AVERY: Haha, that is good!
   AVERY: Well now, I'm looking at some prime real estate property.
MERCEDES: And that poolside amphibian is Jezz Torrent,
MERCEDES: lead singer with Love Fist.
    JEZZ: Can I tell yous - do you know how they play ping-pong in Thailand?
    JEZZ: Let me tell you's,
    JEZZ: it does not involve a paddle, if you know what I mean!
MERCEDES: Impotent.
MERCEDES: And the chatty trio.
MERCEDES: That sleeping sweat gland is Papa's right hand gimp, Gonzalez
MERCEDES: and the other two are Pastor Richards
MERCEDES: and pseudo intellectual film director, Steve Scott.
   STEVE: ...passion with the nympho invaders,
   STEVE: when the giant shark comes in and
   STEVE: just bites their dicks off!
   STEVE: Ha now, you never saw anything like that before, have you?
    DIAZ: Colonel!
    DIAZ: your parties as ever are a triumph, hahahaha!
    DIAZ: I can only apologize for my late arrival.
  CORTEZ: Ah, de nada amigo. How do we find you?
    DIAZ: Our business is very trying - barbarians at the gates.
    DIAZ: A time for rewarding one's friends
    DIAZ: and liquidating one's enemies, amigo.
   TOMMY: Who's the loudmouth?
MERCEDES: Ricardo Diaz. He's Mr. Coke.
    DIAZ: Mercedes!
MERCEDES: Oh, I was just taking my friend back into town.
MERCEDES: Another time, Ricardo!
MERCEDES: Let's get out of here.
MERCEDES: Actually, take me to the Pole Position club.
-------------------
b. BACK ALLEY BRAWL
-------------------
  KEN: Ah! Well, I hope you're having a good time.
  KEN: Because I'm going out of my mind with worry here. What did you find out?
TOMMY: That there are more criminals in this town than in prison.
TOMMY: We need a lead from the streets...
  KEN: Ok, let me think, let me think, let me think -
  KEN: AH! I've got it!
  KEN: Ok, There's this limey, some music industry slimeball,
  KEN: goes by the name of Kent Paul.
  KEN: Anyway, he's got his nose so far up most of Vice City's ass
  KEN: that if anybody knows the whereabouts of 20 k's of coke,
  KEN: it's this guy, all right? He's always at The Malibu.
TOMMY: I'll go pay him a visit.
  KEN: take it easy now.

 PAUL: Where'd you pop up from?
 PAUL: I've been looking for a bird like you for ages, mate...
TOMMY: I'm looking for some English guy...
 PAUL: Kent Paul, mate. Yeah, I'm the guvnor 'round here.
 PAUL: I sort things out, you know what I mean?
 PAUL: I'll treat you. Whatever you want, I'll get you, girl.
 PAUL: Don't you worry about a thing, mate.
TOMMY: Get lost, honey.
 PAUL: Oi oi oi oi oi!
TOMMY: You Kent Paul? I'm a friend of Rosenberg's...
 PAUL: Rosenberg...Rosenberg...Oh, that bonkers ambulance chaser!
 PAUL: That guy could defend an innocent man all the way to death row!
 PAUL: Give us another drink, bruv.
 PAUL: Everybody's a comedian.
TOMMY: Listen to me, I'm missing twenty keys and a lot of cash...
 PAUL: Drugs, mate? It's a mug's game.
TOMMY: What do you know about it?
 PAUL: Oi oi! What I was coming to was,
 PAUL: there's some chef-cum-trumpetshifter
 PAUL: who deals out kitchen of a hotel on Ocean Drive.
 PAUL: He's been looking real pleased with himself lately.
 PAUL: You could go and check him out...?!
TOMMY: I will - and I'll be seeing you around.
 PAUL: Yeah, that's right. Go on - walk away, you mug.
 PAUL: I'll knock you spark out!
 PAUL: Give me a drink - and where's that slut!

 CHEF: Hey, whatchoo lookin' at?
TOMMY: You better start talking..
 CHEF: Hey, make me, you prick!

LANCE: Oh, way to go, tough guy. Beat him to a pulp.
LANCE: That should make him real chatty.
TOMMY: You want some, too?
LANCE: Hey, chill. I want what you want, brother.
TOMMY: Oh, yeah? And what's that?
LANCE: Your green - and my dead brother's white lady.
LANCE: Unfortunately, you just silenced our lead.
TOMMY: Accidents happen. Get lost.
LANCE: Hey, hey, whoa. No need to go all 'Lone Ranger' on my ass.
LANCE: The way I see it - we two hombres in a strange town.
LANCE: We need to watch each other's back.
TOMMY: My back's just fine, brother...
LANCE: You sure about that? Here, take this.
LANCE: Follow me!

LANCE: We gotta get the hell outta here!

LANCE: One thing you gotta realize about this town. You gotta pack some heat.
LANCE: C'mon, the local gun shop's a couple of blocks away.

LANCE: Tommy, every man needs a little R&R once in a while.
LANCE: This here's the Pole Position Strip Club.
LANCE: You might want to drop in some time.
------------
c. JURY FURY
------------
  KEN: Aaah! Oh, for god's sake, it's you! Oh, Jeez - I'm gonna need new pants!
  KEN: Hey, those psychos from up north - they've been on the horn,
  KEN: and they're coming down here soon.
  KEN: Now where is the goddamn money?!
TOMMY: Relax, relax. We're not at that part yet.
  KEN: Ohhh... I thought that you were taking care of this, I really did!
  KEN: And now those guidos say we gotta do them a favor.
TOMMY: You mean I gotta do 'em a favor.
  KEN: Oh, of course that's what I mean.
  KEN: Do I look like I can intimidate a jury?
  KEN: I couldn't intimidate a child - and believe me, I've tried.
  KEN: Now, look. It's either that, or Forelli's cousin, Giorgio,
  KEN: gets five years for fraud.
  KEN: You gotta take these guys OUT!
TOMMY: I understand. Help the jury change their minds. Don't worry about it.
  KEN: No no no no no - NO! I tried that. The jury case didn't go so well,
  KEN: so MAKE them change their minds.
-------
d. RIOT
-------
  KEN: Avery, it goes without saying... Tommy! Tommy! Any progress?
  KEN: No, no, no - tell me later, tell me later.
  KEN: Tommy, this is Avery Carrington - I believe you met at the party?
TOMMY: Not in person.
AVERY: Howdy.
  KEN: Avery here has a proposition.
TOMMY: Haven't we got other things on our mind?
  KEN: I'm trying to keep the wolves from the door,
  KEN: so could you please cut me some slack?
  KEN: I'm stretched like a wire and even if I'm dead by the end of the week,
  KEN: I'd like to think that I didn't die poor.
AVERY: Now just calm down, both of you.
AVERY: Son, you help me and any greaseballs giving you a hard time,
AVERY: I'll see to it they take a long dirt nap.
TOMMY: Ok. What could I do for ya'?
AVERY: This delivery company's got its depot on some prime land.
AVERY: They won't sell.
AVERY: They're hanging on like a big old prairie rat,
AVERY: so we gotta go in there and smoke that vermin out.
AVERY: Head on down there and stir up a hornet's nest
AVERY: - the security will have their hands full
AVERY: and then you can sneak in and put 'em out of business.
  KEN: And you could drop by Rafael's for a change of clothes.
  KEN: You might be there a while, but yeah, go for it.
TOMMY: Should be a riot.
AVERY: If the balls drop like they should, stop by my office sometime...
=======================================================================
3.                 J U A N  G A R C I A  C O R T E Z
=======================================================================
--------------------
a. TREACHEROUS SWINE
--------------------
CORTEZ: Mr. Vercetti!
 TOMMY: Colonel.
CORTEZ: Thank you for coming. Please sit. Lobster?
 TOMMY: No - thanks.
CORTEZ: I'm ashamed to admit that one of the causes of our mutual problem
CORTEZ: appears to have been the loose tongue of a man I used to trust.
CORTEZ: I've been carrying Gonzalez for years,
CORTEZ: but now his incompetence reaches new heights!
CORTEZ: It is only right that you kill Gonzalez...
 TOMMY: Did he do it? It's the money that's important to me.
CORTEZ: For this kindness I'll reward you,
CORTEZ: and then we will find your money together.
CORTEZ: He will be at his Penthouse, half drunk probably. Use this...
----------------
b. MALL SHOOTOUT
----------------
CORTEZ: Tommy! Come, join me.
CORTEZ: This looks delicious, huh? Tapia snout?
 TOMMY: Uhhh... no, no. No, thanks.
CORTEZ: Tommy, you are like a pampas breeze
CORTEZ: that has freed me from the stench of corruption,
CORTEZ: although, I must appear to mourn his passing
CORTEZ: and carry on with business as usual.
 TOMMY: This isn't getting me any closer to my money...
CORTEZ: Tommy, my friend, you are not in Liberty now.
CORTEZ: Here we do things differently.
CORTEZ: I will continue with my enquiries
CORTEZ: but in the meantime I have a valuable deal to close.
 TOMMY: A favor for a friend, Cortez?
CORTEZ: You're a good friend, Tommy. I knew you would not let me down.
CORTEZ: I need you to meet a courier
CORTEZ: who has obtained some valuable technology for me...

COURIER: Ze rain, she is tres wet zis time of the year...
  TOMMY: What?
COURIER: Ah, coment?
  TOMMY: Look, Cortez sent me. Just give me the damn chips.
COURIER: Oh...d'accord.
COURIER: Freeze, imperialist American pig!
COURIER: Zat iz propertay of ze government Francais. 'And eet over!
------------------
c. GUARDIAN ANGELS
------------------
CORTEZ: Thomas, I appreciate your coming.
CORTEZ: Forgive me for getting straight to business.
CORTEZ: Diaz has asked me to oversee a minor business transaction.
 TOMMY: Let's hope it goes better than last time, huh?
CORTEZ: Which is why I thought of you, my friend.
CORTEZ: I've dropped some protection at the multistory carpark.
CORTEZ: Pick it up - then go and watch over Diaz's men at the drop off.
CORTEZ: Gracias, amigo.

LANCE: Hogging all the action, I see...
TOMMY: Look, you wanna do something other than just shadowing me everywhere?
TOMMY: Why don't you come along and show me if you're any use.
LANCE: I might just do that. The name's Lance, by the way.

 DIAZ: You must be Cortez's new gun.
TOMMY: Until more gainful opportunities arise.
LANCE: They'll be here any minute - we both better get a good vantage point...
LANCE: OK! I'll take the balcony, you get the roof across the yard.

 DIAZ: MY MONEY!
 DIAZ: Don't just stand there, you pricks, chase that Haitian dickhead down!
LANCE: Tommy! I'll stay here and watch over Diaz!

 DIAZ: I live! Dickheads! And it's all down to you! What is your name?
TOMMY: Tommy.
 DIAZ: I see you soon, amigo, I think!
TOMMY: Shit. Where's that guy Lance?
---------------
d. SIR, YES SIR
---------------
CORTEZ: Diaz was pleased, and would like to meet you again.
 TOMMY: Is that a good thing?
CORTEZ: Of course!
CORTEZ: Although I'm starting to think that Diaz was responsible
CORTEZ: for our unfortunate loss...
 TOMMY: What makes you say that?
CORTEZ: One does not wave accusations at a man like Diaz
CORTEZ: - I'm merely thinking out loud...
CORTEZ: No matter. I have a proposal that you could profit from...
 TOMMY: I don't have time to run more errands, Cortez.
CORTEZ: I would have thought a man with such dangerous debts
CORTEZ: would be hungry for opportunities. Please, Tommy, at least hear me out.
 TOMMY: Go on...
CORTEZ: I have a buyer for a piece of military hardware
CORTEZ: that is being taken through town. Pick it up for me...
CORTEZ: and once you get it, I want you to call me immediately, then...
--------------------
e. ALL HANDS ON DECK
--------------------
CORTEZ: Circumstances force a hasty departure, amigo.
 TOMMY: What's the problem?
CORTEZ: Ehh, the French want their missile technology back
CORTEZ: and after that last incident,
CORTEZ: I feel it is time to find safer harbors.
 TOMMY: Wouldn't it be safer to fly?
CORTEZ: I'd be dead before I reached check-in.
CORTEZ: Besides, I need to get my merchandise out of the country.
 TOMMY: Need another gun?
CORTEZ: You, my friend, are worth ten guns...

CORTEZ: Thomas, you have protected and served me well.
CORTEZ: But now you must leave us before we reach the open seas.
CORTEZ: I will lower my personal launch.
CORTEZ: Keep it, my friend, a token of my gratitude.
 TOMMY: Thank you, Colonel.
CORTEZ: One more request. While I'm away,
CORTEZ: could you keep an eye on Mercedes for me?
 TOMMY: I think she could look after herself, but sure, I'll keep an eye out.
CORTEZ: Gracias, amigo. Hasta luego.
 TOMMY: Adios, amigo.
=======================================================================
4.                        R I C A R D O  D I A Z
=======================================================================
------------
a. THE CHASE
------------
 DIAZ: Come on, baby, go! Yeah! Yeah! Arrrrr!
 DIAZ: Stupid horse! I'll chop your head off! Grrrrr...
 DIAZ: Who is this dickhead?
TOMMY: Tommy Vercetti. You remember me.
 DIAZ: Excuse me. I'm a little anxious. Never trust a goddamn horse!
 DIAZ: You do a good job - you work for me now.
TOMMY: I work for money.
 DIAZ: As I said, amigo, you work for me now. Shut up.
 DIAZ: Some Judas has betrayed me.
 DIAZ: He thinks I don't know how much money I should be making,
 DIAZ: but stealing 3% is as good as stealing 100%.
 DIAZ: No one does this to me. NO ONE!!
 DIAZ: You follow him from his apartment and you see where he goes!
 DIAZ: Later, we will kill him.

  GUY: Ooh shit!
  GUY: Too slow grandad!
TOMMY: You better keep on running, asshole!
  GUY: Loser.
-----------------
b. PHNOM PENH '86
-----------------
 DIAZ: What kind of incompetent fool are you?
 DIAZ: FOOL! FOOL! FOOL! FOOL!
 DIAZ: Tommy!
TOMMY: What, Ricardo?
 DIAZ: These idiots - they always trying to screw you.
 DIAZ: That's the problem with this business.
 DIAZ: What do you think you're doing?
 DIAZ: These pricks have failed me miserably,
 DIAZ: Soon any mom and pop will think they can sell gallo in Vice City.
 DIAZ: What next, huh? The stinking Mafia?!
 DIAZ: That gang place is a fortress at ground level,
 DIAZ: so Quentin here - Quentin! QUENTIN!
 DIAZ: He'll fly you over the area!
 DIAZ: Eradicate them!
 DIAZ: What do you think you're doing?

TOMMY: What are you doing here?
LANCE: Hey, I've been asking around and it's obvious
LANCE: that Diaz jumped the deal and iced my brother.
TOMMY: And he'll kill you, too!
LANCE: I can take Diaz!
TOMMY: No - listen to me! I'll handle Diaz -
TOMMY: he's beginning to trust me.

TOMMY: One thing puzzling me, What's with 'Quentin!?
LANCE: I dunno, I always kinda liked it...Quentin Vance...
TOMMY: Vance? Your name's Lance Vance?
LANCE: Hey! I got enough of that at school!
TOMMY: Lance Vance. Poor bastard.
TOMMY: Where the hell are we headed anyway?
LANCE: Prawn Island.
LANCE: You ever fired one of those from a whirly?
TOMMY: No. I'll get a bit of practice on the way though.
LANCE: Ok, we're almost there.
LANCE: We'll make a couple of passes.
LANCE: So take out as many guns as you can.
LANCE: Then I'll set you down and you're on your way.

LANCE: Damn! This is a war zone! Take out some of those gunmen!
LANCE: We're taking hits here, man!
LANCE: This thing ain't cheap to fix! Take them out!
LANCE: Ok, you're on your own from here! Good luck, brother!
-------------------
c. THE FASTEST BOAT
-------------------
 DIAZ: Not so pleased with your selves NOW, huh!
 DIAZ: Ahahahahaa, Ahahahahaa.
TOMMY: Whoa! Watch where you're waving that thing!
 DIAZ: No more pigeon shit on MY car, eh Tommy!
TOMMY: Guess not.
 DIAZ: You're damn right. Now listen,
 DIAZ: you know who owns the fastest boat on the east coast?
TOMMY: Not off hand, no.
 DIAZ: ME. And I want it to stay that way.
 DIAZ: Every smuggler from here to Caracas has one dream, a faster boat.
 DIAZ: Rumor has it the boatyard has just completed such a vessel.
 DIAZ: for some Costa Rican dickhead.
 DIAZ: And Tommy...I WANT THAT BOAT!!!
 DIAZ: Ah! I thought I got you. Where'd you come from?
 DIAZ: Pigeons! Boom! Aaaaah!
TOMMY: I think your pigeons are back.
--------------------
d. SUPPLY AND DEMAND
--------------------
 DIAZ: Eject! PLASTIC CRAP!
 DIAZ: You doing this to me?
 DIAZ: Who do you think you are, you piece of plastic SHIT? Aaarrgh!
 DIAZ: SCREW YOU!
 DIAZ: It eats my favorite El burro movie, it die!
 DIAZ: What else could I do?
TOMMY: It's probably not plugged in.
 DIAZ: What?
 DIAZ: Damn - no matter, I can buy a hundred more.
 DIAZ: Now Tommy,
 DIAZ: each month a freelancer sails into Vice City and moors his yacht.
 DIAZ: He sells his cargo to the first boat.
 DIAZ: I want you to take the speedboat
 DIAZ: and beat all the other shitheads to it,
 DIAZ: then you bring the cargo here, ok!?

TOMMY: Let me guess, you thought I could use a guardian angel.
LANCE: I'm just saying you need to let me in there, my man.
LANCE: Now you can feed me all this 'lonely tough guy' crap,
LANCE: but I know one day I'm gonna save your ass,
LANCE: and you're probably gonna wanna kiss me!
TOMMY: Wacko.
LANCE: Hahahahahaha!

LANCE: So Tommy, we know it was Diaz busted our deal..
LANCE: So why the hell are we running errands for him?
TOMMY: The more we learn now,
TOMMY: the less we have to learn when we take this town over!
LANCE: I like your style, man. Real fresh.

LANCE: Good shooting, my friend. You're a real, proper, grade A lunatic.
TOMMY: Well, thank you.
LANCE: See you around, Tommy.
TOMMY: Okay, Mr. Lance Vance Dance.
=======================================================================
5.                          K E N T  P A U L
=======================================================================
------------
a. DEATH ROW
------------
 PAUL: Awright mush, I'm gonna save your Vera, mate.
TOMMY: What the hell are you talking about?
 PAUL: You know that wanker Diaz, the Bugle Master.
 PAUL: He's got your boy, Lance. Word is your mate tried to jump him...
 PAUL: didn't jump high enough if you know what I mean.
TOMMY: Where did he take him? In plain English?
 PAUL: Keep your barnet on! They got him across town at the junkyard.
 PAUL: Bloody hell....you nutter!

TOMMY: There goes my careful planning blown to shit, thanks to you.
TOMMY: You screwed up real good, Lance!
LANCE: He killed my brother. What do you expect me to do, mow his lawns?
TOMMY: We're gonna have to take out that prick Diaz before he takes us out.
TOMMY: You ok to use a gun?
LANCE: Sure...I guess...nice to see you, too.
TOMMY: Let's get out of here.

TOMMY: Get patched up and meet me on the bridge to Star Island, ok?
LANCE: Ok, I got you.

=======================================================================
6.                    V E R C E T T I  E S T A T E
=======================================================================
----------
a. RUB OUT
----------
LANCE: I got us some cannons in the trunk.
TOMMY: Holy shit! Where'd you get all this stuff?
LANCE: Been saving it for a rainy day.
LANCE: You like?
TOMMY: Yeah, I like.

TOMMY: DIAZ?! I've come to take over your business!
 DIAZ: TOMMY! You betrayed me, you idiot! I'm gonna kill you real soon..

 DIAZ: You stupid pricks...
 DIAZ: my beautiful house
 DIAZ: look what you've done to it!
LANCE: This is for my brother!
 DIAZ: I trusted you, Tommy.
 DIAZ: I woulda had you made...
LANCE: Say goodnight, Mr. Diaz.
------------
b. SHAKEDOWN
------------
  KEN: Oh, we gotta redecorate this place. We gotta make it look older.
  KEN: I can't stand this look. Tommy, whadaya say?
  KEN: Whadaya say we put a bar in...
TOMMY: You're my lawyer, Rosenberg, not my interior decorator. Got it?
TOMMY: Listen to me,
TOMMY: The time to take over this town is now.
TOMMY: It's all out there waiting for us.
LANCE: We need to start seizing territory,
LANCE: let Vice City know we're the new players in town, know what I'm saying?
AVERY: What you need is a legitimate front Tommy, real estate.
AVERY: It's never done me no harm.
LANCE: We need to start using some muscle
LANCE: or we can kiss all that hard work goodbye.
LANCE: Local businesses know Diaz is dead,
LANCE: and they're refusing to pay protection!
  KEN: Ooh! We could try bribery...
TOMMY: Bribery? Screw bribery! I'll show you how to make 'em scared!
TOMMY: I'll be back here in five minutes...
------------
c. BAR BRAWL
------------
TOMMY: What's the problem?
LANCE: Some bar is refusing to pay.
LANCE: They reckon they're protected by a local gang of thugs.
LANCE: But don't worry Tommy, I can handle it.
TOMMY: You call this handling it?
TOMMY: You two, off your asses...
TOMMY: Let's go.

TOMMY: Get in the car, useless.

TOMMY: Your protection needs a little more protection.
OWNER: Aw hell, not again! I don't need this crap!
OWNER: These idiots operate out of DBP Security around the block.
OWNER: You guys just sort it out amongst yourselves.
TOMMY: I'll be seeing you later.
OWNER: Yeah, yeah, whatever.
----------
d. COPLAND
----------
LANCE: You moron! What were you thinking?!
LANCE: Do you realize what this means?!
LANCE: We could all be sunk!
 MIKE: The timer must have got screwed.
 MIKE: That place was wired to go up like a firework factory.
 MIKE: Then somebody tipped off the cops...
TOMMY: what's the problem, fellas?
LANCE: Mike was supposed to torch some place in the mall,
LANCE: but he screwed the fuses and now the cops are crawling all over it.
LANCE: We gotta get our stuff and get out of here!
TOMMY: Relax, both of you, let me think for a second!
TOMMY: Tommy Vercetti just doesn't cut and run.
TOMMY: The cops are gonna be going over that building
TOMMY: with a fine toothed comb, right?
TOMMY: But that takes time.
TOMMY: We gotta go in and torch that place ourselves.
LANCE: Yeah, but...
 MIKE: No one but a cop could get within a mile of that place!
TOMMY: So we go as cops.
TOMMY: We gotta get uniforms - and we're gonna need a squad car.
TOMMY: All thanks to you Mike.
 MIKE: I'm sorry.
LANCE: I got it.
LANCE: What we got to do is lure the cops in with the finger,
LANCE: put them in a lock-up
LANCE: and jump 'em.
TOMMY: Good plan. Let's go!
 MIKE: Alright.

TOMMY: Ok Lance, let's get the cops' attention!
LANCE: Tie 'em up and gag 'em!

LANCE: Ooo. Fits perfectly!
TOMMY: bit tight around the crotch though...
LANCE: Oh yeah yeah, mine too. Mine too.

TOMMY: Remember - smile at the other cops
LANCE: Hey there officer. Nice badge, nice badge.
TOMMY: Real smooth, Lance.

LANCE: Ok, timers are set, 5 seconds and ticking.
TOMMY: 5 seconds?!! We got to get the hell out of here!
=======================================================================
8.                     F I N A L  M I S S I O N S
=======================================================================
--------------------
a. CAP THE COLLECTOR
--------------------
TOMMY: Ok, what's the emergency?
KELLY: Tommy...some mob thugs ...said they'd come to take their cut...
KELLY: ...said it was a Mr. Forello's money...I feel like crap.
TOMMY: Forelli? SONNY Forelli?
KELLY: Yeah, that's the guy...I think...they were very insistent...
TOMMY: I'm not angry with you.
TOMMY: Get him to the hospital.
KELLY: Tommy...rip that guy a new asshole for me...
TOMMY: I'm gonna rip him two!
--------------------------
b. KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE
--------------------------
TOMMY: What's going on?
  KEN: Tommy! Oh good, good. Listen, listen. Uh, listen,
  KEN: I like fish. I love fish.
  KEN: I love them as pets in bowls, or as food on a plate,
  KEN: but as much as I love em, I don't want to sleep with them.
  KEN: Okay, but right now your Italian brothers are coming from up there
  KEN: to fit me with some cement shoes, and I...
TOMMY: Shut up Ken. Sit down.
TOMMY: Lance, what the hell's going on?
LANCE: It's your friends up north Tommy.
LANCE: They ain't too happy you capped their man.
LANCE: They're coming down to see the business today.
TOMMY: They took longer than I thought...
TOMMY: Guys, we gotta make this final
TOMMY: we gotta leave no doubt that this is my operation. Mine!
TOMMY: Ken, you get the first run of counterfeit cash
TOMMY: and put three mil in briefcases.
TOMMY: Lance, you get the guys together...

SONNY: Tommy!
SONNY: What? No big hugs for your old buddy?
TOMMY: I've had fifteen years out of the loop,
TOMMY: I'm a bit rusty on family etiquette.
SONNY: Always angry, eh Tommy.
SONNY: Didn't I say your temper would get you into trouble, huh?
TOMMY: There's three mil in the cases...
SONNY: How many was it? Ten? No, eleven men.
SONNY: That's how you get to be called the Harwood Butcher! Heh-heh-heh!
TOMMY: You sent me to kill one man, ONE MAN. They knew I was coming Sonny...
SONNY: Tommy, Tommy, watch your tone.
SONNY: Anyone would think you blame me
SONNY: for that unfortunate set of circumstances.
TOMMY: Just take the money...
TOMMY: Get the damn cash.
SONNY: You know, Tommy? I did what I could for you,
SONNY: I pulled strings, called in favors.
SONNY: I was your friend, Tommy.
SONNY: I hoped you'd see sense, see what's good for business.
SONNY: I trusted you, Tommy, and you disappointed me.
SONNY: But at least someone in your chicken shit organization
SONNY: knows how to do business,
SONNY: Isn't that right, Lance?
LANCE: I'm sorry Tommy. This is Vice City. This is business.
TOMMY: You sold us out...
LANCE: No. I sold YOU out, Tommy, I sold YOU out.
LANCE: The real cash is upstairs in the safe.
SONNY: Tommy, what was the big plan?
SONNY: You think I'd just take the fake cash?
SONNY: Save face and run away with my tail between my legs?!
TOMMY: No.
TOMMY: I just wanted to piss you off before I kill you.

LANCE: No one to cover your ass now, eh Tommy?
TOMMY: you're going down, you back stabbing prick!
LANCE: Oh you think so?

TOMMY: Come here you double-crossing piece of shit!
LANCE: You're history, Tommy, history

TOMMY: This is the last dance for lance vance!
LANCE: I said I had enough of that at school!

TOMMY: You picked the wrong side, Lance...

TOMMY: You took fifteen years from me Sonny...
TOMMY: And now I'm gonna make you pay!
SONNY: You still don't get it do you!
SONNY: I OWN you, Tommy.
SONNY: Those fifteen years were mine to spend!
SONNY: Get him boys, he never understood a thing.

  KEN: Tommy?
  KEN: Oh my god, Tommy! What happened?
TOMMY: What does it look like?
  KEN: It looks like you ruined your suit!
  KEN: and Tommy, that was a beautiful suit! Tommy, what on earth happened?
TOMMY: I had a disagreement with a business associate, you know how it is.
  KEN: Tommy, I have a disagreement, I send them an angry letter.
  KEN: Maybe I pee in their mailbox. I don't start World War III.
  KEN: You know, maybe you should speak to my shrink...
TOMMY: That stupid prick, Lance...
  KEN: Tommy. I never liked that guy, okay?
  KEN: He's neurotic, he's insecure, he's self-centered - the guy's an asshole!
  KEN: I'm glad you took him out!
TOMMY: I don't think we're gonna be getting
TOMMY: any more heat from up north either...
TOMMY: ...'cause there ain't no 'up north', anymore.
TOMMY: It's all down south now.
  KEN: Wait, does that mean what I think it means..? Tommy, baby!
TOMMY: What do you think it means?
  KEN: That we're in charge... I mean, that you're in charge. Oh, Tommy!
TOMMY: You know, Ken.
TOMMY: I think this could be the beginning
TOMMY: of a beautiful business relationship....
TOMMY: After all, you're a conniving, backstabbing, two-bit thief
TOMMY: and I'm a convicted psychotic killer and drug dealer.
  KEN: hehehe
  KEN: I know. Ain't it just beautiful?
=======================================================================
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IV.               S I D E  M I S S I O N S  S C R I P T
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
=======================================================================
1.                    A V E R Y  C A R R I N G T O N
=======================================================================
------------
a. FOUR IRON
------------
AVERY: Come in and park yourself on the hide, son.
AVERY: Hell, my daddy used to say, never look a gift horse in the mouth,
AVERY: and by golly, he never did.
AVERY: Would you like a drop of the old Kentucky?
TOMMY: No thanks.
AVERY: A clean thinker! I like that.
AVERY: Now, the property business isn't all about high-falootin' paper pushing.
AVERY: It's about dirt! And the will to claim that dirt! You with me, son?
TOMMY: Oh yeah.
AVERY: Well, I need some tenacious bastard to let go of some dirt,
AVERY: and you look to me like the kind of guy to persuade him.
TOMMY: Persuasion's my forte.
AVERY: Yeh, he'll be down at the country club, down on the golf course.
AVERY: They don't allow guns, so his bodyguards won't be packing lawgivers.
AVERY: Go beat eight tons of crap out of him.
AVERY: Here now - I got you a membership,
AVERY: and boy you're going to need more appropriate clothing.
-----------------
b. DEMOLITION MAN
-----------------
AVERY: Now look here, son.
AVERY: I got a problem and I reckon you could help me with it.
TOMMY: I'm no builder.
AVERY: No, I was thinking more of your demolition skills.
AVERY: Now this here, this is the development as planned and this,
AVERY: this is the property that we're looking at.
TOMMY: You're trying to say this new office block is kind of in the way.
AVERY: You catch on quick.
AVERY: Now I'm going to head out of town for a while
AVERY: and if that office development were to face sudden
AVERY: and insurmountable structural problems, then I..
TOMMY: As a civil minded individual you'd feel obliged to step in and
TOMMY: save the rejuvenation of an important area of the city?
AVERY: Where can I get more guys like you!?
--------------
c. TWO BIT HIT
--------------
 AVERY: Tommy, this is Donald Love. Donald, this here is Tommy Vercetti,
 AVERY: the latest gunslinger to come to these parts.
DONALD: Yeh...uh...
 AVERY: Donald, you just shut up and listen, and you might learn something.
 AVERY: Now, nothing brings down real estate prices
 AVERY: quicker than a good old-fashioned gang war
 AVERY: 'cept maybe a disaster, like a biblical plague or something,
 AVERY: but, that may be going too far in this case.
 AVERY: You getting this down, you four-eyed prick?
 AVERY: Now recently a Haitian gang lord died.
 AVERY: Apparently the Cubans did it, nobody's certain.
 AVERY: But let's make them certain! You disguise yourself as a Cuban hombre,
 AVERY: and head on down to crash that funeral.
 AVERY: Mix it up, and then high tail it.
 AVERY: You getting this down, Donald?
 AVERY: Well, that ought to put the coyote in the chicken coop, huh?
 AVERY: And then we'll just sit back, and watch the prices tumble.
=======================================================================
2.                           L O V E  F I S T
=======================================================================
-------------
a. LOVE JUICE
-------------
 JEZZ: AllllllllRrrighttt!
 PAUL: Yessss! Brilliant, bloody brilliant!
 PAUL: Hey, Tommy! Glad you could make it.
 PAUL: Hey, you ever met Love Fist before?
TOMMY: No, I haven't but I've always loved your music.
 PAUL: Let me introduce you to the band.
 PAUL: This is Percy, Dick, and Willy's in the kaze,
 PAUL: and that was Jezz in the booth earlier,
 PAUL: and guys, I want you to meet a good friend of mine.
 PAUL: This is Tommy. We go way back.
 JEZZ: All right, pal.
 JEZZ: And eh, what was your name again?
 PAUL: Leave it out, Jezz you, remember
 PAUL: don't be playing them games with me, mate,
 PAUL: I'm too crafty for that, sunshine!
 PAUL: You see, the thing is, Tom, the boys need some help.
 PAUL: They ain't too connected here,
 PAUL: they don't have the old 'how's your father?'
 JEZZ: We need some drugs, pal!
 JEZZ: Gonna get on the old Love Fist fury, you know?!
TOMMY: Well, this is Vice City, man. What's the problem?
PERCY: We need Love Juice, man, you know?
 DICK: Love Juice, man!
TOMMY: Love Juice?
 JEZZ: Aye, two parts boomshine, 1 part trumpet,
 JEZZ: 5 fizz bombs and a liter of petrol.
PERCY: Can you help us out, pal?
 PAUL: Aw, it would really mean a lot to the boys.
 PAUL: You can do that for the boys, right?
----------------
b. PSYCHO KILLER
----------------
 PAUL: Tommy, man. Am I glad to see you!
TOMMY: What's going on?
 JEZZ: Bad vibes, Tommy....
PERCY: Aye, I'm not joking, it's heavy stuff man, heavy you know?
 JEZZ: There's this cat, we hardly know him, but he knows us.
 JEZZ: Like this cat. Knows all about us.
 JEZZ: Knows that Willy likes his ladies' underwear, eh!
 JEZZ: Or that Percy likes Duran Duran!
PERCY: Shut up ye fool. Just 'cause Jezz bangs sheep.
PERCY: It's a love rocket thing, you know?
 PAUL: Oi shut it!
 JEZZ: Yeah, the love rocket thing, right. But listen, this cat...
 PAUL: yeh, yeh, the guy, he wants Love Fist dead.
 PAUL: Dead Tommy.
 PAUL: Love Fist gone. You know what they say, the good die young.
 PAUL: but Tommy, you gotta save Love Fist!
 JEZZ: We got a signing in two hours and I think...
 PAUL: And the boys think the stalker's gonna try some monkey business there.
-----------------
c. PUBLICITY TOUR
-----------------
 JEZZ: Tommy! Tommy! Tommy, man, that psycho's back!
TOMMY: What's going on?
 PAUL: That psycho won't leave Love Fist alone!
 JEZZ: You didn't kill him man. And now he's back.
 PAUL: Yeah, yeah, yeah, and the thing is...
 JEZZ: The thing is, we need someone to drive the limo we can trust,
 JEZZ: cause that nutter keeps making threats!
PERCY: I'm shitin' masel' man. I need ma ma!
 DICK: We're all bricking ourselves, man.
TOMMY: Okay guys, calm down, I'll handle this.
TOMMY: Normally I wouldn't busy myself with driving around
TOMMY: a bunch of drunken Scottish bisexuals,
TOMMY: but, in your case I'll make an exception.

 PERCY: At last man, time for a well earned drink.
  DICK: The venue's just a hundred yards down the road.
 PERCY: Better make it a large one then. Hey Tommy, change the tunes, man.
  JEZZ: I get confused if my head ain't banging.
  JEZZ: Ah look, what's this? Hey Tommy, stick this tape on.
PSYCHO: Love Fist. Your time polluting the airwaves is over.
PSYCHO: I gave you the chance to be friends.
PSYCHO: Now, I'm giving you the chance to die.
PSYCHO: Try to slow down and your limousine will explode,
PSYCHO: along with your BIG, HAIRY ARSES!
=======================================================================
3.                        M I T C H  B A K E R
=======================================================================
------------------------
a. ALLOY WHEELS OF STEEL
------------------------
TOMMY: Where's Baker?
TOMMY: I'm looking for Big Mitch Baker...
BAKER: Who's lookin'?
TOMMY: Tommy Vercetti.
BAKER: Vercetti.
BAKER: You don't look like the law, so that's bought you a minute.
BAKER: You better talk fast.
TOMMY: Kent Paul said you might be interested in pulling security
TOMMY: for a gig he's got set up.
BAKER: Kent Paul? Sheesh! No wonder he sent ya.
BAKER: The last time he was here he left through the window
BAKER: in nothing but his limey birthday suit.
TOMMY: Are you interested or not?
BAKER: We only do favors for our own.
TOMMY: How do I join?
BAKER: This ain't no country club, boy. Can you handle a bike?
TOMMY: Can you sit on a stool and drink?
BAKER: Cougar, Zeppelin, go see how this girl handles a bike...

BIKER: All right, fancy clothes. Let's see what you can do.
-----------------------
b. MESSING WITH THE MAN
-----------------------
BAKER: Ah, got ya again.
BAKER: Hey Vercetti.
BAKER: Cougar says you can handle a bike pretty good.
TOMMY: Yeah, how many more errands am I gonna to have to run?
TOMMY: I'm a very busy man.
TOMMY: If it's a fight that's gonna settle this then bring it on.
BAKER: Being one of us ain't just about brawlin'.
BAKER: It's about being part of a family.
TOMMY: Yeah, I've been part of a family before alright. It didn't work out.
BAKER: Yeah, right, but this family takes care of its own.
BAKER: We don't ask a man to do the dirty work
BAKER: and then let him do fifteen years hard time.
BAKER: Yeah, that's right. I've done my homework.
BAKER: This here's the biggest family of misfits, outcasts and badasses.
BAKER: Hell, some of us has even been betrayed by our own country.
TOMMY: I was locked up during 'Nam. Ugly business.
BAKER: Which is why I'm gonna ask you to go mess with the man.
BAKER: This whole damn country needs a kick in the ass,
BAKER: and we're the ones to deliver it.
BAKER: So get out there, grab a bike and show this city how pissed you are!
TOMMY: Alright, alright.
-----------
c. HOG TIED
-----------
TOMMY: Hey there, Mitch.
BAKER: Well, if it ain't 'bad ass' Vercetti.
BAKER: Now I wanna see how good you can fight for your patch.
BAKER: A local street gang made the mistake of stealing my hog...
BAKER: probably because of some machismo thing or somethin'.
BAKER: Me and the boys would go over there
BAKER: and teach them a lesson in respect an'all.
BAKER: Anyways.
BAKER: Then I got to thinking - this would make a good initiation for you.
BAKER: You get my bike back, you can tell Paul he's got his security.
=======================================================================
4.                      A U N T I E  P O U L E T
=======================================================================
----------------
a. JUJU SCRAMBLE
----------------
 TOMMY: Hello? Hello?
AUNTIE: Come in, my dear, and rest your soul.
AUNTIE: You must be the big bad man me grandaddy been chattin' 'bout.
AUNTIE: Tells me tings about you, you know, when he visits,
AUNTIE: and about the others who wait for you.
AUNTIE: Now, we all dead for long time, but you,
AUNTIE: I wouldn't want to be in your shoes, ha ha ha ha ha!
 TOMMY: I got a message to come here.
AUNTIE: Can you hear dem?
AUNTIE: Dem callin' your name, boy, must want you pretty bad, don't ya tink?
AUNTIE: Now you do old Aunite Poulet a turn, huh, maybe she help you.
AUNTIE: Maybe she can give you a little juju after all of dis.
AUNTIE: Give you some magic to give the law man the stink eye, hmmmmm?
 TOMMY: Look, this is all very, um... give me what?
 TOMMY: I,I, I think I've got the wrong address...
AUNTIE: Do me these tings, Tommy......
AUNTIE: The Cubans, nasty proud foofoos, mmm,
AUNTIE: been making my lovely Haitian boys shake de heads.
AUNTIE: Now they told the policeman where me been stashing my powders.
AUNTIE: Dey tink it drugs, them stupid.
AUNTIE: Now be a good boy Tommy and go and get the powders for Auntie Poulet.
 TOMMY: Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
--------------
b. BOMBS AWAY!
--------------
 TOMMY: Oh, sorry, I - I must have the wrong address...
AUNTIE: Well, you might as well come in and rest your soles and have some tea.
AUNTIE: Do you have something there for me, Tommy?
 TOMMY: Yeah...
 TOMMY: This place feels familiar to me,
 TOMMY: uh - it's - a smell from childhood - a deja vu...
AUNTIE: Now Tommy, I'm going to whisper a lickle errand for you.
AUNTIE: Hear me well, aye?
 TOMMY: You look like someone I, I...
AUNTIE: The Cubans have fast boats they use to cross the seas with drugs.
AUNTIE: It is their livelihood.
AUNTIE: Me nephew bin making lickle flying bombs to take dem out.
AUNTIE: Blow de boats to coffin wood.
 TOMMY: Thanks for the tea.
-----------------
c. DIRTY LICKIN'S
-----------------
 TOMMY: Hello? Hello
 TOMMY: uh..I'm looking for somebody around here...
AUNTIE: You looking hungry, Tommy.
 TOMMY: Do I know you?
AUNTIE: Hush now.
AUNTIE: One more ting an I can let you go, Tommy.
AUNTIE: My boys gone war wit dem Cuban boys.
AUNTIE: But no guns.
AUNTIE: Hmm, but de Cubans have a surprise comin'.
AUNTIE: While they fight in de streets,
AUNTIE: you take this rifle and kill dem in de hubbub.
AUNTIE: No one sees you, no one hear you.
AUNTIE: Now, Tommy, you do this for me,
AUNTIE: and you no longer tied to my apron strings.
 TOMMY: Kay auntie..
=======================================================================
5.                     U M B E R T O  R O B I N A
=======================================================================
-----------------------
a. STUNT BOAT CHALLENGE
-----------------------
ALBERTO: Si, men?
UMBERTO: Hey, easy Papi, this man's for me. You, you the boy?
UMBERTO: Oh yeh. You the boy. I think so, you know?
  TOMMY: No. I don't think I do.
UMBERTO: Oh yeah? You come here, tough guy.
UMBERTO: You think you can take me on?
UMBERTO: You think you can play stupid with me?
  TOMMY: No, I think you're playing plenty stupid enough for both of us.
ALBERTO: Hey, he call you dumb, son.
UMBERTO: And I call him a little girl, Papi.
UMBERTO: Look at him, all dressed up like that.
UMBERTO: What is this, ladies night?
UMBERTO: You some kind of tough guy, you dress like a woman?
UMBERTO: You got on panties like a woman too, huh?
  TOMMY: What you got against women? You prefer men, big boy?
UMBERTO: I like women! I like all women! I love my mother, chico!
  TOMMY: Alright, alright, I'll take your word for it. Relax.
UMBERTO: Can you drive, amigo?
  TOMMY: Yeah... like a woman.
UMBERTO: Very funny. I like you, big boy. Maybe you can help.
UMBERTO: Maybe you can prove you a man. Huh?
UMBERTO: Take out the boat.
UMBERTO: Show me you got some big cojones,
UMBERTO: and not some little bitty chiquita ones.

 RICO: Hey, I'm Rico. You the man with the big cojones?
 RICO: Ok man, treat her like a woman.
----------------
b. CANNON FODDER
----------------
  TOMMY: Un cafecito, por favor, Alberto..
ALBERTO: No hay problema, Tommy.
UMBERTO: Papi! Un gran problema!
ALBERTO: Umberto my son, what happened?
UMBERTO: The Haitians! I hate these Haitians!
UMBERTO: They mess with me for the last time!
UMBERTO: These Haitians! We take 'em out!
UMBERTO: Only we need some backup.
UMBERTO: I lost a few hermanos already out there.
UMBERTO: Amigo, you drive good!
  TOMMY: For a woman. Right?
UMBERTO: This is no time for joking!
UMBERTO: Come on, drive for me again!
UMBERTO: Take my boys over there, and then we'll take these Haitians down!
UMBERTO: They mess with me, they mess with the biggest boy in town!
-------------------
c. NAVAL ENGAGEMENT
-------------------
  TOMMY: Alberto. Una cafe, senor.
UMBERTO: Poppa, don't serve this snake in the straw.
UMBERTO: You're two-faced, Tommy!
UMBERTO: You're either two-faced, or you're a wimp, baby boy!
UMBERTO: The Haitians, man. They're laughing at me!
  TOMMY: Easy, easy. What's your problem?
UMBERTO: They're laughing at me, Tommy. At me!
UMBERTO: Umberto Robina! They're doing whatever they like!
  TOMMY: Nobody does whatever they like, Umberto, they do what you let them do.
UMBERTO: What?
  TOMMY: You want somebody taken care of?
  TOMMY: I can handle it, but it's gonna cost you.
  TOMMY: I know we're brothers and all, but this is business.
UMBERTO: Tommy. You a real man. Businessman, a gentleman.
UMBERTO: These Haitians.
UMBERTO: They have a load of product coming in off shore, really good stuff.
UMBERTO: We take it, and we finish them.
UMBERTO: You take it, and I look after you. Like my brother. Like my son.
  TOMMY: I think I prefer the cash to being bounced on your knee, amigo.
----------------
d. TROJAN VOODOO
----------------
UMBERTO: Hey, ladies. You know what I'm gonna do?
UMBERTO: I'm gonna kill me a Haitian. And then?
UMBERTO: And then I'm going to make love like a man.
UMBERTO: You know that, chica? Something like this.
 WOMAN1: Loser!
 WOMAN2: Prick.
UMBERTO: Hey, baby, I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole!
UMBERTO: Umberto Robina, he likes the ladies! Not some goat in a skirt!
UMBERTO: Tommy!! Tommy, I love you, I love you! Let's go!
  TOMMY: Go where? Can't I get a cup of coffee first?
UMBERTO: No time for coffee! Besides, I just had one.
UMBERTO: We gonna take out the Haitians.
UMBERTO: Tommy, how do you take out a snake?
UMBERTO: You bite him in the ass! Hahaha!
  TOMMY: Whatever you say, Umberto.
UMBERTO: Tommy, you go and get us a little Haitian car.
UMBERTO: When you get it, come back and pick up my boy.
UMBERTO: Pepe, and take him out to the Haitians.
UMBERTO: Then, you go around to the Haitians processing plant,
UMBERTO: and you use their solvent as an explosive.
UMBERTO: Boom! Bye bye!
  TOMMY: Umberto, what about you?
UMBERTO: Uhh... I'm going to stay behind, and watch over the cafe with Poppa.
UMBERTO: He not feeling so good. You know?
=======================================================================
6.                         P H I L  C A S S I D Y
=======================================================================
-------------
a. GUN RUNNER
-------------
TOMMY: Phil?
 PHIL: RUN!
 PHIL: Run!
 PHIL: Hoooooweeeeee!
 PHIL: Never get a naked flame
 PHIL: too close to one of Phil Cassidy's Boomshine stills!
TOMMY: Shit Phil, you drink that stuff?
 PHIL: Hell, you don't have to drink it
 PHIL: just a good whiff will set you off. Hoowwee!
TOMMY: Listen Phil, you said you could fix me up with some firepower...
 PHIL: Sure thing.
 PHIL: There's some Mexican gun-runner been doing me for business of late.
 PHIL: He does his weekly run about now.
 PHIL: Ram his hardware off the back of his trucks before he goes to ground.
 PHIL: And you'd be doing me a favor while you're at it.
 PHIL: Then finish him off.
-------------------
b. BOOMSHINE SAIGON
-------------------
TOMMY: Hey Phil, how's it goin?
 PHIL: Heeyyyy, Tommy. Howyadoin'? Ish been too long...
TOMMY: I swear you should lay off that boomshine, man,
TOMMY: smells like paint stripper. Making my eyes burn...
 PHIL: Shshs shhh youshelf Tommy,
 PHIL: and come over here because there's someshin'
 PHIL: I wanna show you.. someshin.
TOMMY: Woof! God! Should I be able to smell that from way over here?
TOMMY: I'm feeling woozy.
 PHIL: Don'tchaworry about the shmell Tommy, you jush wash thish.
 PHIL: Shitty-cheap-batteriesh or shumin'. There'sh shum more on the bench.
 PHIL: TA-DAAA!
 PHIL: Aww Damn!
 PHIL: Ha ha ha ha ha!
=======================================================================
7.            A S S A S S I N A T I O N  M I S S I O N S
=======================================================================
------------
a. ROAD KILL
------------
CALLER: Mr. Teal, your help in eradicating those out-of-towners
CALLER: was invaluable to business. I have more work for you
CALLER: with a more 'hands-on' approach.
CALLER: Your next job is taped under the phone.
-----------------
b. WASTE THE WIFE
-----------------
CALLER: My compliments on a job well done Mr. Teal. My client was very pleased.
CALLER: I have more work for you with a more 'hands-on' approach.
CALLER: Your next job is taped under the phone.
-----------
c. AUTOCIDE
-----------
CALLER: A European gang plans to hit a bank in Vice City.
CALLER: My employers would rather this didn't happen.
CALLER: Each member of the gang has a cover while they are here in Vice City.
CALLER: Some have menial jobs, others are on vacation.
CALLER: Each target and their likely whereabouts are taped under the phone.
----------------------------
d. CHECK OUT AT THE CHECK IN
----------------------------
CALLER: Time to fry bigger fish, Mr. Teal.
CALLER: There's a rifle in the foliage to your right.
CALLER: Watch the woman standing on the balcony above the check-in desks.
CALLER: She will walk through the crowd and ask someone the time.
CALLER: You must kill that person, retrieve his case
CALLER: and take it to the location taped under the phone.
-------------
e. LOOSE ENDS
-------------
CALLER: There is a valuable exchange taking place on the roof
CALLER: of the Cherry Popper Ice Cream Company.
CALLER: Kill everyone involved, steal the merchandise and
CALLER: take it to the helipad at the airport.
CALLER: There is a gate to your left that leads to the back of the factory.

=======================================================================
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
V.                         ASSET MISSION SCRIPTS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
=======================================================================
1.                       S U N S H I N E  A U T O S
=======================================================================
   BJ: B.J. Smith. And you must be Mr. Vercetti.
   BJ: Would you like the tour?
TOMMY: Might as well.
   BJ: Well, I'm very sad to be selling the dealership to y'all.
   BJ: This was my first investment after I turned pro.
   BJ: But now it's time for me to move on.
TOMMY: You're leaving town?
TOMMY: Not in too much of a hurry, I hope?
   BJ: No. I'm just coming out of retirement,
   BJ: and preparing for my future comeback.
   BJ: The business wasn't too strong,
   BJ: and my staff took it upon themselves to get a bit more
   BJ: creative with the generation of wealth.
   BJ: Obviously, I could wind down the business before I hand it over.
   BJ: Hell, I could burn the place down if I wanted to.
   BJ: This is prime development land.
TOMMY: Oh, I wouldn't worry about any of that.
TOMMY: This place seems perfect.
   BJ: Yeh it does, So I take it we have a deal?
=======================================================================
2.      C H E R R Y  P O P P E R  I C E  C R E A M  F A C T O R Y
=======================================================================
 LADY: Who are you?
TOMMY: Your new owner.
 LADY: Were you now, or at any time, a child?
TOMMY: What are you talking about?
 LADY: Were you a child!?
TOMMY: Yes! Calm down! What's wrong with you?
 LADY: I knew it. A child.
 LADY: A dirty, stinking, sniveling, snotting, vile, puking, crying little baby
 LADY: A baby!.. an awful, horrible, disgusting little boo hoo.
 LADY: Mommy doesn't love you. You little shit!
TOMMY: Ow! Calm down.
 LADY: I HATE babies, and I hate children.
 LADY: They're dirty, sniveling, snotting, vile, puking little..
TOMMY: Enough already! What's wrong with you?
TOMMY: You make soft ice cream, okay? It's purely for kids.
TOMMY: What kind of psycho are you?
TOMMY: Just so I understand this, why make children happy if you hate them?
 LADY: Oh, you stupid, sniveling, snotty...
TOMMY: Shut up!
 LADY: Brat!
 LADY: The ice cream is a front.
 LADY: We distribute other, non-dairy products.
 LADY: And if I see a kid, I put him to good use.
 LADY: Don't I, kiddies? Yes - yes, I do. Mummy doesn't love you.
 LADY: She HATES you!
=======================================================================
3.                           B O A T Y A R D
=======================================================================
TOMMY: Hello? Hel-lo?! Hello?
DUDE1: Put it out. There's a dude here.
DUDE1: Hey suit dude! I guess you're the new owner?
TOMMY: Yeah. Which one of the boats is the fastest?
DUDE1: It's already in the water, dude,
DUDE1: I though you might want to try her out.
DUDE2: Dude, she's already running with a 300 horse power engine...
DUDE1: and the fiberglass hull, she just shoots through the waves!
DUDE2: She can do like zero to sixty in four seconds flat dude...
DUDE1: and she can hold like twenty bales
DUDE1: of the best Jamaican smoke right in the hull!
DUDE2: So go ahead dude, she's ready to fly!
DUDE1: Yo yo, uh, suit dude, you gotta light?
DUDE1: Dude? Dude?
=======================================================================
4.                        K A U F M A N  C A B S
=======================================================================
 LADY: Guess you're the new owner.
 LADY: What are you, mob? Cartel? You don't look Mexican...
 LADY: Anyhoo, I guess you better get on with the
 LADY: 'things are gonna change around here' crap,
 LADY: maybe threaten one of the drivers
 LADY: go steady on Ted over there, he's just had his hernia fixed.
TOMMY: Well, yeah. Things are going to change around here, lady.
 LADY: Oh crap, sonny. Might as well leave this to me
 LADY: I've been doing this for years.
 LADY: Now hear this.
 LADY: We are now under new management
 LADY: and things are going to change around here again.
 LADY: Our new management, the -
 LADY: Which gang are you?
TOMMY: Well, I'm not part of any gang actually.
 LADY: What's your goddamned name, kid?
TOMMY: Vercetti, Tommy Vercetti.
 LADY: Our new management, the Vercetti Gang,
 LADY: is gonna make sure we get no trouble.
 LADY: Capiche? Out!
 LADY: Did you like the 'capiche'? I liked the 'capiche'.
 LADY: So this is how it's worked in the past,
 LADY: We run the firm as usual.
 LADY: If we get any trouble from rival firms, you beat the crap out of them.
 LADY: Then they beat the crap out of us,
 LADY: then you beat the crap out of them,
 LADY: etcetera, etcetera. You got it?
TOMMY: Uh, yeah, I guess...
 LADY: Just grab a taxi from the garage if you feel like jumping in.
------
a. VIP
------
FEMALE VOICE: Ok, we got a high class fare
FEMALE VOICE: needs picking up from Starfish island - any takers?
       TOMMY: Tommy here, I'll take it!

TAXI DRIVER: This is my fare, back off asshole!

      TOMMY: Come on come on, Get in, quick!
        VIP: Ok, ok! Just don't hurt me!
-------------------
b. FRIENDLY RIVALRY
-------------------
FEMALE VOICE: Calling all cars, we're losing fares all over town.
FEMALE VOICE: What's with you guys?
  MALE VOICE: VC Cabs keep beating us to it.
  MALE VOICE: They've just got too many cars - we can't compete!
FEMALE VOICE: Mr. Vercetti, if you're out there listening in,
FEMALE VOICE: you gotta put some VC Cabs out of action before we go bust!
--------------
c. CABMAGEDDON
--------------
FEMALE VOICE: Car 13, We got a Miss Cortez, asked for you especially.
TOMMY: Ok, I got it. Car 13 out!
TOMMY: Hmmmm, no sign of Mercedes...
TAXI DRIVER1: It's time for Kaufman Cab's guardian angel to eat some fender!
TAXI DRIVER2: Hey boy I'm gonna tan your hide!
=======================================================================
5.                         T H E  M A L I B U
=======================================================================
-------------
a. NO ESCAPE?
-------------
  KEN: Tommy! Hey, Tommy, look at this, this is great!
  KEN: I've got us this minibar installed!
TOMMY: We got a whole bar downstairs, Ken.
  KEN: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Well, I got the chalkboard you asked for.
TOMMY: Ah, that's the benefit of a law school education;
TOMMY: the ability to follow instructions.
TOMMY: Now, I need a safe man.
  KEN: Oh, all right, well, let me think...safe, safe, safe, safe
  KEN: I got it! This guy will blow you away!
  KEN: Ahh, nah, that schmuck. He's on the inside.
TOMMY: Where inside?
  KEN: In a police headquarter cell awaiting transfer.
TOMMY: I think he's about to get paroled....

TOMMY: Cam Jones?
  CAM: Yeah, that's me..
TOMMY: I'm busting you out!
  CAM: Whatever you say!

CAM: Lose the heat and get me back to my place!

TOMMY: I'm gonna be doing a job and you're my safe cracker.
  CAM: Beats losing my ass in a cell!
---------------
b. THE SHOOTIST
---------------
TOMMY: We need a stick up man. You know one?
  KEN: Hey, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, this stuff keeps you sharp, man.
  KEN: WoooOOOooo!
  KEN: I could be your stick up man! Stick 'em up! Stick 'em up!
TOMMY: You ain't a stick up man, you're an idiot.
TOMMY: Now get yourself a drink and shut up.
  KEN: Hey, get outta my way! Yeh yeh yeh - ow ow ow!
  CAM: Relax
TOMMY: Cam, what do you think?
  CAM: Well, the best shooter in this town is a guy named Cassidy.
TOMMY: Is that so?
  CAM: Yeah. A military guy, or he thinks he is.
  CAM: I doubt he was ever in the army,
  CAM: but he certainly knows how to get a hold of guns.
  CAM: He'll be down at the shooting range.

TOMMY: You Phil Cassidy?
 PHIL: Why?
TOMMY: I'm looking for a man who can handle a gun.
TOMMY: From this setup, I'm not too convinced.
 PHIL: Son, I could shoot a fly off your head at 80 feet.
TOMMY: Oh really?
 PHIL: Yeah. I learnt in the army.
TOMMY: Fly shooting real popular in the army? Glad I don't pay tax.
 PHIL: You tryin' to be funny kid?
 PHIL: Ha ha ha ha ha!
 PHIL: Let's shoot.

TOMMY: So you wanna do me a favor, and help me put together a job?
 PHIL: Son, after shooting like that,
 PHIL: if you asked me to be your wife, I'd say yes.
-------------
c. THE DRIVER
-------------
TOMMY: Things are starting to come together nicely here.
  KEN: What's the plan, Tommy? Que pasa, amigo?
TOMMY: The plan is you keep doing that like a moron. Anyhow, we need a driver.
  KEN: Tommy, I'll do it. I can drive.
 PHIL: You want Hilary, mister. Not some smart-talking law school chump.
 PHIL: Hilary's the real deal. You ain't never seen anyone drive so fast.
 PHIL: I'll give him a call here.
 PHIL: Hey Hil, it's Phil. How's it going? No. don't talk.
 PHIL: We'll reminisce later. You want to do me a favor?
 PHIL: I got me a guy from up north.
 PHIL: No, no, I don't think he was in the service, but he wants a driver.
 PHIL: For a bit of action. Okay, I understand.
TOMMY: What'd he say?
 PHIL: Well, he'll do it, no problem. Well, there might be a little problem
 PHIL: see, he has abandonment issues.
 PHIL: Seems he won't work for anyone who can't beat him.
 PHIL: Something to do with his momma.
 PHIL: Anyway, he wants to race you first, said he'd meet you outside..

HILARY: You Tommy? Of course you're Tommy, I mean,
HILARY: Why else would anyone want to speak to me?
HILARY: OK. Consider it this way;
HILARY: I'll drive for you IF, and only IF, you can drive properly.
HILARY: Leave me alone - and I'll never forgive you.

HILARY: Ok. I'll drive for you, but please, treat me bad.
----------
d. THE JOB
----------
 TOMMY: As you can see, gentlemen,
 TOMMY: this is going to be the easiest buck we ever made.
   KEN: Tommy, seriously, you gotta consider going into law.
  PHIL: What the hell are you smoking, man? This ain't no simple plan!
  PHIL: Well, who needs a simple plan anyway?
  PHIL: Take communism, now that was a simple plan.
  PHIL: Didn't do Russia any favors, huh?
 TOMMY: Calm down, all right?
 TOMMY: With a team like this it's going to be no problem.
 TOMMY: We got Cam on safe. Phil? You and me will handle security,
 TOMMY: and Hilary'll drive the getaway car.
   KEN: Uh, heh heh, aren't you forgetting somebody?
   KEN: Somebody who helped you to no end in this town? Somebody who...
 TOMMY: Ken... Ken, that's right. Ken here,
 TOMMY: he washes the money for us and he keeps the drinks on ice.
HILARY: I don't understand what I am supposed to be doing here.
 TOMMY: Look, it's easy. Haven't you ever seen a movie?
 TOMMY: We walk into the bank, we wave the gun around, and leave very rich men.

 TOMMY: I'll drive.
HILARY: Great. A passenger. Wait 'til I tell the group about this.

   CAM: Tommy, Hilary's taking up too much room!
HILARY: I am not!
   CAM: Are too!
 TOMMY: Hey, shut up you two, or you can get out and walk.
   CAM: Yeah - HILARY.

TOMMY: For god's sake, Phil, stop waving that thing around!

 TOMMY: Keep driving around the block, OK?
HILARY: Okay, Tommy, okay.

TOMMY: Ok, guys. Nice an easy just as we planned.

TOMMY: THIS IS A RAID!
 PHIL: NOBODY MOVE!
TOMMY: EVERYBODY UP AGAINST THAT WALL!
TOMMY: Phil, hold down the fort!
 PHIL: Wilco roger that!
TOMMY: Come on Cam, the vault's upstairs...

  CAM: Damn! It's a Flange 9000!
  CAM: This could take hours to crack,
  CAM: Or five minutes if you could find the manager.
TOMMY: I'll go find where he's holed up.

TOMMY: Phil, things still sweet?
 PHIL: Sure. Everything's reeaal quiet.

 TOMMY: You - you're coming with me!
   MAN: Ok! Ok! Just don't shoot!

PHIL: I SAID NOBODY MOVE!

  MAN: It's on a time lock,
  MAN: You might as well give up now!
  CAM: Hell, I can bypass the time lock,
  CAM: Then we just need your key code and we're good!
TOMMY: Stay here. You try anything and you're dead.
TOMMY: I'm gonna check on Phil, I'll be right back.

PHIL: I told you not to touch that alarm!
PHIL: The SWAT team will be here any minute!
PHIL: I could do with some help here, Tommy!

POLICE: Vice City S.W.A.T! You are completely surrounded!

 PHIL: Surrounded? HA HA HA HAAAAAaaa!
 PHIL: They're crapping themselves, corrupt bastards!
  CAM: Tommy! The vault's open!
TOMMY: Ok, we got the SWAT retirement fund. Let's get out of here!

POLICE: Ok, you asked for it! You've had your last chance!

PHIL: They're storming the place!
PHIL: Take cover!

PHIL: That's the last of them. GO! GO! GO!

  PHIL: Shit! Where's Hilary?
HILARY: Hey guys! Get in! I got you covered!

    PHIL: We made it! We're rich! RICH!
MERCEDES: Tommy, would you like a massage?
   TOMMY: Well, Hi there, Mercedes! Yeah, I'm a little tense...
    PAUL: What'd I tell you Tommy? What'd I tell you?
    PAUL: Bent SWAT better watch out when Kent Paul is in town.
    PAUL: Come on, gimme a bigger slice, mate, c'mon.
    PAUL: I gotta get some new threads.
=======================================================================
6.                        F I L M  S T U D I O
=======================================================================
--------------------
a. RECRUITMENT DRIVE
--------------------
STEVE: Action.
 GIRL: Whoa! Now that's big.
  MAN: 12 inches. That is regulation baby.
STEVE: CUT!! Who IS this idiot? You! YOU! Why are you in my space? WHY?
TOMMY: What is all this crap?
TOMMY: Aliens? Fishing poles?
TOMMY: Who's ever seen a shark that big?
TOMMY: All this stuff's gotta go.
TOMMY: Why'd you get in this business, ya prick?
TOMMY: Huh?
TOMMY: For the pussy, that's why! What is this??
STEVE: This is my art - SECURITY!
TOMMY: Look, you pompous asshole, I own you now. I own all of this.
TOMMY: We're gonna turn this place around...
TOMMY: I'm gonna make you rich.
STEVE: Uh. You're - You - you're Tommy Vercetti? But I thought that you were...
TOMMY: That's right.
TOMMY: We're gonna be making some changes around here
TOMMY: and start making some real money.
STEVE: Actually, have you ever thought about, umm...
TOMMY: But first we're going to need some good-looking broads.
STEVE: Yeh, girls are fine but you... whew!

TOMMY: Yo, Candy. I'm looking for movie talent - you interested?
CANDY: Sure! But, you'd have to talk to my agent...
 PIMP: The HELL are you doin'?
 PIMP: You should have stayed at home today!

   TOMMY: Hey Mercedes!
MERCEDES: Hey Tommy! You wanna party?
   TOMMY: Not now sweets. You interested in doing some movies?
MERCEDES: Of course. As long as it's cheap and sleazy.
   TOMMY: Heh heh - you're hired!

MERCEDES: Tommy, you coming in for a warm-up?
   TOMMY: Maybe later, babe...

MERCEDES: Whoa, cool shark!
-------------
b. DILDO DODO
-------------
TOMMY: How's filming going, Steve?
STEVE: Well, Candy is a natural and that new girl - she's insatiable!
STEVE: She went through half the cast and crew
STEVE: before I even took a light reading.
STEVE: Anyway, hey, tomorrow we're going on location to shoot the boat scenes
TOMMY: Boat scenes?! What boat scenes?
STEVE: The fishermen are in the throes of passion
STEVE: when this giant shark comes in -
TOMMY: What'd I say about the giant shark?
TOMMY: I said, 'NO GIANT SHARK', alright?
TOMMY: Just keep the cameras pointed at the poontang!
STEVE: Ok ok, hey Tommy, a guy's gotta try, right?
TOMMY: Get those flyers printed up?
STEVE: Yeah, but nobody's gonna let us distribute those things, I mean
STEVE: They're just too, uh, they're unimaginative.
TOMMY: You don't worry about that.
TOMMY: I've got my own ideas for distribution.
STEVE: O.K. Hey, Candy, uh - in my trailer.
--------------------
c. MARTHA'S MUG SHOT
--------------------
TOMMY: Ok, what's the problem now?
STEVE: SSShhhh!
STEVE: Well, after his close encounter with the nympho-invaders,
STEVE: our hero finds himself unable to think of anything
STEVE: but this huge phallic mountain -
STEVE: and that's when I want to do the scene with the vat of mashed potatoes,
STEVE: but then we, uh -
TOMMY: I don't give a crap about that!
TOMMY: J - Just keep going, keep going!
TOMMY: You mentioned something about some legal problem on the phone?
STEVE: Congressman Alex Shrub has jumped on the pre-election bandwagon,
STEVE: he's going after the puritan vote.
STEVE: Rumors are he's gonna support measures to restrict, shall we say,
STEVE: the more fleshy aspects of this nation's great entertainment industry.
TOMMY: Candy! You know Shrub,
TOMMY: you guys get up to anything kinky?
CANDY: Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah! Yes yes yes YES OOOoooh!
STEVE: Please - tell me you got that.
TOMMY: Was that part of the, uh... or was she talking to..?
STEVE: Hey, I can never tell. Anyway...
STEVE: You're probably best following her after the shoot,
STEVE: see if she'll lead you to their new love nest.
TOMMY: You got a camera?
STEVE: Yeah. Get him a camera.

CANDY: Hey!
SHRUB: Uh, Candy, could you call me Martha?
CANDY: Oh Alex - I mean Martha. Whatever you say...

CANDY: Martha, someone's watching.. how kinky.

BODYGUARD: You! Give me that camera!
--------------
d. G-SPOTLIGHT
--------------
CANDY: I'm sorry, but I just can't swallow this right now.
STEVE: Oh COME ON darling!
STEVE: He's hung like a sperm whale for pity's sake,
STEVE: how can you not feel the part?!
CANDY: But Stevie...
TOMMY: How's my star director?
STEVE: Oh, man. The struggle between the artistic integrity and
STEVE: the humping, pumping action continues unabated.
STEVE: And before you ask, yes, all four videos will be released by their...
STEVE: Honey, can you PLEASE keep the anaconda in the shot,
STEVE: he costs more per hour than you do!
CANDY: Oh, sorry Steve.
TOMMY: I was thinking,
TOMMY: we need some kind of big stunt to really promote the launch.
TOMMY: Something that will make a real impact on the City - you got any ideas?
STEVE: Well, in the old days they used to have gala events,
STEVE: stars, limos, the night sky crisscrossed with searchlights...
TOMMY: Searchlights! I've got an idea...
STEVE: ...yeah, yeah, yeah. The little sequined numbers,
STEVE: and the limos, oh, premieres
STEVE: Oh, yes ma'am, of course ma'am,
STEVE: and the press, and the barrage of lights...
=======================================================================
7.                        P R I N T  W O R K S
=======================================================================
---------------------
a. SPILLING THE BEANS
---------------------
KELLY: Mr. Vercetti? Hey. You bought the old print works?
TOMMY: Yeah, my old man used to work on these.
TOMMY: I used to spend the evenings with him, cleaning the rollers...
TOMMY: I was going to follow him in his trade, but...I lived a different life.
KELLY: You planning on selling the old machinery, breaking it down?
TOMMY: I'm thinking we might print something - a newspaper, a magazine...
KELLY: Oh, crap, sonny, low grade crap. I've always fancied printing money.
KELLY: It ain't too hard.
KELLY: You know, I've been doing it on a small scale for years.
TOMMY: Really?
KELLY: Sure. But we'd need some good quality plates.
KELLY: Of course!
KELLY: There's a counterfeiting syndicate already operating in Florida.
TOMMY: A syndicate?
KELLY: Yeah. Just rumors is all I've heard.
TOMMY: I know a man who's good with rumors...

 PAUL: Look at the arse on that!
 PAUL: Awright girl, it's your loss mate init!
 PAUL: Awright me ol'china, how's it hangin'?
TOMMY: What do you know about counterfeiting?
 PAUL: Oh I'm fine Paul, how 'bout you?
TOMMY: Come 'ere!
 PAUL: Awright! Awright! Awright!! You're obviously a busy man.
 PAUL: All I know about dodgy readys is the Triads supply the plates.
 PAUL: They've got a shipping company down the docks,
 PAUL: the boss man would know when the plates are coming in next!
TOMMY: Thanks...Paul!
 PAUL: What's the matter with you, you maniac!
 PAUL: Give me another drink, lively!

BOSS: Who are you? Oooof! Aaiieee! Not the face! Not the face!
BOSS: Ok, I talk! I talk!
------------------
b. HIT THE COURIER
------------------
TOMMY: Alright, the courier's moving the plates from the docks today.
TOMMY: I'm gonna go intercept them, grab the plates, lose any heat,
TOMMY: and make my way back here.
TOMMY: Now. Depending how well this goes,
TOMMY: we may have five minutes to print the money
TOMMY: before the counterfeit syndicate finds us, or we may have all year.
TOMMY: Either way, I want green rolling off the presses
TOMMY: five minutes after I get back. Got it?
KELLY: Don't you worry Tommy. We'll be ready.
LANCE: Me an'the boys will be around in the neighborhood
LANCE: case you need any heat taken care of.
TOMMY: All right, everybody cool? All right. I'll catch you later...

THANKS AGAIN TO JASON_C

===============================================================================
                                8.0 Odd Jobs
===============================================================================

These are what make GTA games great, the side missions to challenge you to get
100% of the game.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                             8.1 "R3" Missions
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-Firefighter
Vehicles: Firetruck

Description--There is a burning vehicle somewhere, press circle to use the
hose, and put out the fire.

Reward for completing: Level 12 = Always Fireproof on foot
-Ice Cream Driver
Vehicles: Mr. Whoopee

Description--People around the town need their ice cream! Drive to them and
deliver. Easiness...

Here is a strategy for doing this easier from Nick McFadden
-----------------------------------------------------------

If you don't want the cops or the gangs on you when you are delivering ice
cream, just go to the nearest bridge after you get the Mr. Whoopie and go up
and down the bridge selling your stuff to the people walking up and down it. No
gangs and no cop cars for miles.  When you get a star just stop the music and
wait for it to go away, then start back up, you can get 50 in no time!


Reward for completing: You start making money for that asset after 50
completions (Thanks to Duncan)

-Pizza Delivery

Available Vehicles: Pizza Boy

Description--Someone needs his pizza! Pick it up from the pizza place and
deliver it to him. For every level, you must deliver one more pizza. You get
extra time for picking the pizza up and dropping it off.

Reward for completing: Level 10 = 150 Max Health

-Paramedic
Available Vehicles: Ambulance

Description--You have a set time limit to drive to a patient on the street, and
get him back to the hospital. For every level you go up, you have to pick up
another patient. You gain time by picking a patient up, and for dropping 3 off.
For every bump you make (hitting something), their life ticks by faster. Drive
safely.

Reward for completing: Level 12 = Infinite Sprint

-Taxi Driver
Available Vehicles: Cabbie, Kaufman Cab, Taxi, and Zebra Cab

Description--Find a person who needs to be taxied, then take him to his
location in a certain amount of time. You get money for delivering people
faster, and the money goes up incrementally.

Reward for completing: 100 Taxi Passengers = Hydraulics on all taxi vehicles.

Correction from Daniel Fomin
----------------------------
It is said that if you carry 100 passengers, you get hydraulics... this is not
true. Your taxi just gets to JUMP. The VOODOO has the hydraulics, where you can
change the position of the tires.

-Vigilante
Available Vehicles: Barracks OL, Enforcer, FBI Rancher, FBI Washington,
Police, Rhino, Hunter, and the SWAT cheetah (thanks to Matt Pinske for the
cheetah information).

Description--You have a set time to find a criminal driving around the city,
force his car to stop by ramming it, flipping it, forcing it to a corner,
anything, and then kill the driver.

Additional Tips from dedbunniez
-------------------------------
During vigilante missions if you drive the tank to the airport and go onto the
runway I found that the vehicles appear right at the same spot and generally I
didn't have to chase the third car.  It usually just crashed into the water.  I
think I got to level 33 or 34 before I got bored, but that took me about ten
minutes or so to do that.  The cars start around the first boarding ramp and
they are usually in a line so you can just use the main gun on the tank.  I
have only tried this once but it seemed to work just fine.

Reward for completing: Level 12 = 150 Max Armor

-Brown Thunder
Available Vehicles: Hunter

Description-The same thing as Vigilante missions, but it is with a
Hunter.  I would suggest using rockets rather than a machine gun, for obvious
reasons.

Reward for completing: Level 12 = 150 Max Armor

Tips in general from Andreas Blankert
-------------------------------------
Here's a helpful tip everybody found helpful on missions such as paramedic,
fire truck, pizza boy, ice cream truck.
Just like in GTAIII, it's always easier to back to the first island, because
you're most familiar with this one. Best place to start is the beach down at
ocean beach/washington beach.
This is a place you should be familiar with by now and it has the easiest road
lay-out, especially because you can drive alongside the grass in case of time
limits.

Tips from Sokocevicd25
----------------------
Hey I found that when you use the Hunter for Vigilante missions, most of the
time target cars would appear behind your hideout (next to pay 'n 'spray with
the car garage).

Out of all the 59 levels of criminals i played with the Hunter, 40 of them or
so were behind my hideout and they would keep going in a circle around your
house or go towards the Mall or towards the pizza restaurant.

It's easy money I earned 3,000,000 plus doing this and i got over 99 minutes
and 59 seconds and guess what.............it starts your time from 1 minute
again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn't want to find out if i would run out of time if it hit zero or if it
would hit zero than continue counting down from 99minutes and 59 seconds again.

Tips from AL777
---------------
With the Hunter, a very good place to do Brown Thunder missions is on the roads 
between the airport terminal and the "tunnel" (the roads that go below the 
ground level, the ones that lead to the air base).  If you do this, they almost 
always spawn on the exact same spot and can be easily killed in 2 seconds, 
especially since there are no buildings covering this.  Occasionally a car will 
spawn somewhere else, but more often than not it falls in the water.  Just keep 
pelting the airport road spawn point with rockets and you'll be racking up 
kills in no time.  I got to Level 183 by doing this and got the max money you 
can have ($99,999,999) in less than an hour.  Also, my criminal rating went up 
by 16,000!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                8.2 The Arena
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Description: At 20:00, the downtown arena called the Hyman Memorial
Stadium holds racing challenges.  There are three different kinds of
challenges.

~~~~~~~~~~
Bloodring
~~~~~~~~~~
Description: A demolition-derby style race for checkpoints.
Vehicle: Bloodring Racer
Reward: $1,000 for each time you beat it, and an extra $100 for each car that
blows up, whether you did it or not.
Information/Hints: You use the racer to try to get to all of the checkpoints
before the time goes away.  Now usually it isn't that many checkpoints, or they
give you lots of time.  The deciding factors are how well you can avoid the
other cars, and how well you can control the car on the slippery dirt surface.
There are usually 4 or 5 other cars, and their sole purpose is to come after
you.  I think it is pretty tough.

~~~~~~~~~~
Dirt Ring
~~~~~~~~~~
Description: 32 Checkpoints, 1 Sanchez, and No Time Limit
Vehicle: Sanchez
Reward: $50,000 if you beat it in less than 5 minutes
        $10,000 if you beat it in less than 10 minutes
        $5,000 if you beat it in over 10 minutes
Information/Hints: It is extremely tough to get all of them.  Some of them are
really tough to get, and some are easy.  Again, there is unlimited time, and if
you don't beat it and want to stop, just get off the bike and enter the pink
marker.  The hardest checkpoints to get are the ones on narrow walls or
something narrow.  The hardest one is where you have to do a perfectly timed
wheelie throughout the whole jump to get the checkpoint.  Good luck, you are
going to need it.

~~~~~~~~
Hotring
~~~~~~~~
Description: A 12-lap race
Vehicle: Hotring Racer
Reward: $5,000 for first place
        $1,500 for second place
        $500 for third place
Information/Hints: This race is a lot like a NASCAR race or something like
that, except using violence and incorporating demolition is encouraged.  If
your car blows up, you are disqualified.  If you want to leave in the middle,
go to the door by the starting track.  You can use pit stops to restore your
health, but you could risk the lead.  Also, you can even drive-by shoot the
cars.  That is about it for this event.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                 8.3 Cone Crazy
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is basically a checkpoint race, like the ones from GTA3 with the
Patriot, except in GTA: VC there is only one of these.  On the roof of that
multi-story parking lot, on Rafael's clothing store there's a stallion on the
north side. (Kyle S) I do know the rewards and some strategies for it.

The rewards for completing this are $200 the first time, $400 the second time,
$800 the third, etc.  Basically it doubles every time you complete the
checkpoint race.  It is located in Ocean Beach.  I will give you directions.

-From Little Havana bridge, head towards Ocean Beach.  Turn on the first right
and follow that road until the second left.  Turn on that.  Pass the first
right and turn right into a little street.  It should be on the building to
your right.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                              8.4 RC Missions
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

These are exactly like GTA3 where you enter a van; in this game it is a Top Fun
van, and you control a mini car, helicopter, or plane.  I think it is a really
fun part of the game and even though you only get $100 it is fun as heck.  Here
we go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RC Bandit Checkpoint Race
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This Top Fun van is located on the beach by Vice Point.  This is where you
drive a small RC car in a race with others.  Try to create your own shortcuts
and cut through some of the course.  You have to complete 2 laps around and
finish in first place, or in the least amount of time.  If you win, you get
$100, and every time after that you get $100 extra for beating your time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RC Baron Checkpoint Race
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This Top Fun van is located on the top floor of a car park by the North Point
Mall in Vice Point.  You get control of an old-fashioned plane and you get to
race with it. Yay.  Again, $100 the first time and every time you beat your
record.  One lap this time, but bigger.  Always hold the gas or you will dip,
and press L2 or R2 to turn left or right respectively.  Get first to land 100
more bucks.

Some Information from Nick Pretzel
----------------------------------
If you've lost lots of points by using the Better Driving Skills cheat (Perfect
Handling as it's also known), or just want more, there is an easy way to amass
them: every time you fail the RC plane mission (RC Baron checkpoint race) in
the North Point mall, you get 30 points!  Just get in the Top Fun van, press X
to skip all the instructions and blow up your plane as soon as the race
starts.  Keep doing this and see the points pile up.  I don't know whether this
works for any of the other Top Fun missions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RC Raider Checkpoint Pickup
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The last Top Fun van is located in the airport, isolated in a corner.  It is
another checkpoint mission, this time with a mini helicopter, but you don't
race.  There are 20 checkpoints throughout the city, and once you get one, it
will show you the next one on the map.  Be careful on these, the helicopter can
explode pretty easily.  Again, you get $100.

Another way to get to this van by Vido Corleone
-----------------------------------------------
Starting from the bridge furthest south, go along the bridge to the second
island. When you get there cross over the median strip and take a left. At the
first road you come to turn right. Go forward along this road until you come to
a fork in the road. Go left at the fork. Drive along this road until you find a
fence with an opening on your right. Turn in here and there should be the Top
Fun van to your direct left.

------------------
8.5 Shooting Range
------------------

You need to complete the mission "The Shootist" before you can do this.  Go to
the downtown AmmuNation and go to the same place as you did for the Shootist.
Basically, you hit as many targets as you can in the time limit, or until you
run out of ammo.  Beat the score that says score to beat, and you will get
$500.  Also, if you get 45 or better, you will get the Fast Load ability, so
you can reload your weapons faster (obviously).

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                      8.6 Street Races and Stolen Cars
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This can be done after you purchase the Car Showroom.  You have to do the races
before you can do the Import/Export Garage for the stolen cars.  Enter the pink
marker in the garage.  In every race, the opponents will drive a Cheetah,
Stinger, and Infernus.

~~~~~~
Races
~~~~~~

-Race #1 - Terminal Velocity
Length: 1.1 Miles
Entrance Fee: $100
Reward: $400
Location: Between Fort Baxter and the airport.

-Race #2 - Ocean Drive
Length: 1.6 Miles
Entrance Fee: $500
Reward: $2,000
Location: All along Ocean Beach, a thin loop.

-Race #3 - Border Run
Length: 2 miles
Entrance Fee: $1,000
Reward: $4,000
Location: East of Fort Baxter in midtown on the mainland.

-Race #4 - Capital Cruise
Length: 2.438 miles
Entrance Fee: $2,000
Reward: $8,000
Location: From the south of Ocean Beach to Washington Beach

-Race #5 - Tour!
Length: 3 miles
Entrance Fee: $5,000
Reward: $20,000
Location: From northern Vice City to the middle of Washington Beach.

-Race #6 - V.C. Endurance
Length: 6.1 Miles
Entrance Fee: $10,000
Reward: $40,000
Location: Pretty much everywhere, it goes all around town.

Tips on races from Raul Acosta
------------------------------
First, you unlock the street racing missions after acquiring the Car Showroom
west of Little Havana, near the road leading to Escobar Airport.  Ok, you can
try and complete the races fair and square against the other three seemingly
indestructible, impossibly good drivers. You might actually succeed. But, if
you want to just beat the races, you can do the following.  First, get yourself
a rocket launcher. Then, go to the pink marker in the parking area of the
showroom and pick a race, any race. Go to the starting grid. There are usually
three other competitors waiting: two in the front, one in the back with a pink
marker for your car at its side. Now, park your car near its marker. Then get
off the vehicle and stand near the pink marker.  Aim the rocket launcher at the
middle car in the three-car-formation you'll see from your aiming reticule. Be
sure not to stand too close to the other cars so you wont blow yourself up in
the process. If the shot is good, you'll be able to take out all three of your
rivals. Then, simply get on your car, complete the course, and cash in the
prize. If you don't take out all three of them, at least you'll be able to thin
the competition, so you got to rush to your car and beat the surviving racers.
Any shot from any other weapon (the minigun WON'T do the trick) or a bump from
your vehicle to any of the other racers will set them off immediately before
you have a chance to take 'em out.

Tips on Races from Nav
----------------------
When doing the Auto Dealership street races, a simple way to win is show up to
whatever race you want to do with a Rhino.  Right as the race starts and the
other cars start taking off, simply begin shooting the cannon, a couple of good
shots should blow up all the other cars and leave you to simply run the race
independently.  If you run the race with the rhino, yeah, you're time will
suck, so you can just get out and get a faster car for the rest of the race.

Tips on Races from Pete Bennett
-------------------------------
I've just discover a magic tip for races...

1. Get rocket launcher
2. Get fast car
3. Park fast car in front of start line
4. Shoot rocket launcher into cars/bikes on start line, destroying them
5. Drive round course at your own pace

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stolen Cars
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pretty much like GTA3, but you don't get all of the cars after you bring them
to the garage, you get a better one and daily revenue as a reward.  There are 4
different, but short, lists you need to fill.  If you don't know where to find
them look in the vehicles section to find locations.  The single dash marks
represent cars needed, and the equal sign is the reward.

Garage 1
--------
-Landstalker
-Idaho
-Esperanto
-Stallion
-Rancher
-Blista Compact
=Deluxo

Garage 2
--------
-Sabre
-Virgo
-Sentinel
-Stretch
-Washington
-Admiral
=Sabre Turbo

Garage 3
--------
-Cheetah
-Infernus
-Banshee
-Phoenix
-Comet
-Stinger
=Sandking

Garage 4
--------
-Voodoo
-Cuban Hermes
-Caddy
-Baggage Handler
-Mr. Whoopee
-Pizza Boy
=Hotring Racer

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                             8.7 PCJ Playground
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here are directions to it.  There is a 2-minute time limit for completing it,
and there are 24 checkpoints.  If anyone has any questions on anything else
about this e-mail me.

Contributed by JungleChildX
---------------------------
Ok...if your going north bound on the same road as the Ocean View Hotel, keep
going north until you get the Vice Point Standing building where the road kinks
a little to the west and continues going north towards the Malibu club. And
there's a little curve side road to your right. Right where the road kinks,
keep going north up the grassy hill (not the road) and in the corner of the
building sits that beautiful bike called the PCJ 600.

Contributed by Kyle S
---------------------

In the middle area of the first island.. south of Malibu there is this HUGE
building.. blue and taller than u can fly... .. against this building ..
opposite the beach... there's a bike.. that gives you 2 minutes to get 24
checkpoints.. it goes through the alley you had to follow that guy who stole
Diaz's money.. on the dirt bike... you get 1000 bucks the first time.. and I
think 100 after that...

Here is some information in general about the PCJ thanks to Insanation
----------------------------------------------------------------------

------------------
Secret PCJ
------------------
In Downtown, there is a building with two "Angel" bikes parked out front and a
biker guy standing around (I assume it's the biker bar you use in later
missions).  This place is right next to the Skumhole Shack save house.  Any
who, almost directly across the street (to the left a little) is a large glass
window and inside is a PCJ on display!  Take one of the Angels and drive it
into the glass, breaking it (you can also use a bat, or brass knuckles).
Woohoo!  Free PCJ!

-----------------------
Long Wheelies
------------------------
Take your PCJ to the airport.  The runways are excellent for pulling off long
wheelies.  The trick is to start at the very end of the runway, gain speed,
just enough to get into a wheelie -- not too fast or it doesn't work.  Then,
press one of the shoulder buttons to go to side view.  Now, you can tell when
you start to fall back onto two tires!  Press up or down to keep yourself
balanced --but watch out!  You might crash into something.  By the way, you
drive right through planes.

--------------------------
Insane PCJ Stunt
---------------------------
Take your PCJ to the Airport.  There are two large yellow... things at the end
of one of the runways.  One of them is really low, and the other is almost
always vertical.  But, when it's not vertical, you can do insane stunts.  Go to
the end of the runway with your PCJ and barrel down the path.  You'll fly out
of the airport and that'll count as an insane jump.  But beware, because your
on a PCJ, you'll take some damage.  So heal often, and don't worry about your
bike, it can take a lot of damage.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                             8.8 Chopper Missions
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are four helicopters in Vice City, and they have checkpoint missions
attached to them.  Again, you compete against yourself for the best time, so
for the first time and to complete the mission, time is not a factor and take
your time to make sure you complete the mission.  The choppers used are all
Sparrows.  Thanks to Brady Games for some locations.

-Chopper #1
Location: On a pink rooftop, the same building where you end the PCJ playground
mission in Ocean Beach.
# of checkpoints: ?
Reward: $100

-Chopper #2
Location: On a rooftop in Little Haiti, by an alley with a Police Bribe and a
unique jump.
# of checkpoints: 22
Reward: $100

-Chopper #3
Location: In the backyard of a house in a small neighborhood in Vice
Point.
# of checkpoints: 17
Reward: $100

-Chopper #4
Location: This is a rooftop downtown, the first building you come to in the G-
Spotlight mission.
# of checkpoints: ?
Reward: $100

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                          8.9 Test Track/Trial By Dirt
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There is a dirt track on the northeastern coast.  There are actually two races
you can do here, one is with a Sanchez and the other is with a Landstalker.
I'm not sure if you only have to do one of them do get a mission complete, but
you do need to do one of them.  You can choose either one of them, but the
Sanchez has less handling and the Landstalker has more handling.  The Test
Track mission is with the SUV, and Trial by Dirt is with the Sanchez.  Again,
like the other RC missions, you race against your own time.  For both of these
missions, you get $100 multiplied by the number of times you beat the specific
course.

Test Track
----------
The hardest part about this is to prevent yourself from tipping over.  The SUV
is very top-heavy and tips over very easily. When in doubt, use the real brake
if it's getting out of control.  But most of the time, it is okay to use the
handbrake and you can create some nice slides because it's on dirt.

Trial by Dirt
-------------
This is harder not only because of the lack of stability, but also because of
other people shooting at you, and there will ALWAYS be rain no matter what.
Make sure you bring an Uzi, because it could get ugly.  You also have a very
limited amount of time to get back on a bike when you fall off.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                             8.10 Beach Ball Game
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Thanks to GarciaAshley, January 16, 2003)

In some of the pools behind the other houses on Starfish Island, you'll find a
beach ball.  Walk over to them and you can kick them around and out of the pool
onto a grassy area for some space.  Why? Because if you kick it up and stand
under the shadow of the ball, you can bounce if off your head.  You can also go
for high scores by bouncing it off your head the most number of times without
letting it touch the ground or walls.  Do not touch the ball with your car
while driving, they'll burst.  Look under the stats screen and you can see
Highest Score for Keepie-Uppie Beach ball".  My highest so far is 25.  If
anyone can tell me a reward for a certain high score like 100, I will try to
get it; otherwise, I don't see an incentive for highest score.  I don't see it
mentioned as required for 100% completion of game either.

Beach Ball Update (Thanks to Ken Parkin)
----------------------------------------
It would appear that the beach ball does not count towards the 100%. We had 99%
and did the beach ball but got nothing for it (turned out we hadn't done cone
crazy).

More Information from Lee Pilgrim
---------------------------------
I noticed the beach ball that appears in a pool at Starfish Island also appears
sometimes on the beach at the east island.

===============================================================================

                             -= 9.0 Vehicles =-

===============================================================================

Pretty much what this game is all about so I thought I would have a section on
it.  I will put the locations, speed, handling and cornering.  If people know
of other locations PLEASE TELL ME and I will give you credit.  I might have
comments coming soon, but I'm not sure yet.  Ratings are out of 10 stars.  Here
are some car conditions that you can check for your car health, thanks to
Daniel Fomin.

Car Conditions
White smoke: This is minor... just continue to drive, you can go to a pay n'
spray.
Black and white smoke: This is getting rough, so go heal your car.
Black smoke: You are going a little bit far, heal this car.
Deep Black smoke: You are a Jack of an Ass driver... heal this car... few more
bumps till the worst condition.
Fire emitting: DAMMIT!!! Get out of the car... it'll blow in exactly 5 seconds
after the fire emits.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                              9.1 Cars/Trucks
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(All locations unless noted are contributed by Jamie Ivany)

-Admiral
Locations: Coming from the west part of Vice City into Starfish Island, turn
right on the first road, and follow it to the last house on the right.  You
have to get over their fence to get it. (Thanks to me)
Speed: ******
Handling: ******
Cornering: ******

-Ambulance
Locations: Outside all Hospitals. (Vido Corleone)
Speed: ******
Handling: *****
Cornering: ***

-Baggage Handler
Locations: Right side of main terminal as you look at it from the front
(Seanppk) Around Main Airport terminal. (Jamie Ivany)
Speed: ***
Handling: *****
Cornering: *****

-Banshee
Location:  Underground Car Park by Cortez'.  "Near the Pay N' Spray in Ocean
Beach, there is a white building, with two stories with two wings of stairs.
Anyway, there is a Banshee in the corner near the stairs." (Daniel Fomin)
Speed: ********
Handling: ********
Cornering: ********

-Barracks OL
Locations: Fort Baxter Air Base
Speed: *****
Handling: ***
Cornering: ***

-Benson
Locations: From the Pay N' Spray in Little Havana, it is just west of it.
(Thanks to me)
Speed: ****
Handling: ***
Cornering: ***

-BF Injection
Locations: Located on the beach in Ocean Beach...Go around to the farthest back
point near the "boardwalk" thing.  You will see a bush...(Depending on where
you are coming from) and there will be a BF Injection there, near the house.
(Ally Kelley)
Speed: *******
Handling: ******
Cornering: *****

-Blista Compact
Locations: Sometimes be found on the road of the ocean view (Kenneth Karl)
Speed: ******
Handling: ********
Cornering: ******

-Bloodring Racer
Location:  Hyman Stadium every third day (only in event) (Jamie Ivany) to get
this one, complete the bloodring racing event at the Arena, and when you
complete it and get 1st place, the car park on the left hand side of the arena
will have a constant supply of bloodring bangers for you (Nick Corrie)
Speed: ********
Handling: ******
Cornering: *****

-Bobcat
Locations: No parked location, they can be easily found in shipyard (R. Bis)
Speed: *****
Handling: ***
Cornering: ****

-Boxville
Locations: No parked location
Speed: ***
Handling: ***
Cornering: ***

-Burrito
Locations: No parked location
Speed: *****
Handling: *****
Cornering: ***

-Bus
Locations: cargo area of the airport (Eric Swartz)
Speed: ***
Handling: **
Cornering: **

-Cabbie
Locations: Sometimes parked in the parking lot at the mall (Kenneth Karl)
Speed: ******
Handling: ****
Cornering: **

-Caddy
Locations: In the final list for Sunshine Autos, you need to get a Caddy.
Normally you'd have to drive one out of Leaf Links, well on the dirt road that
leads to the lighthouse in Ocean Beach, keep an eye on the bushes to your
right, there is a caddy hidden in one of them. You can usually see a bit of
blue and some lights (at night) and whenever you hit Triangle you'll know if
you're at the right spot. (Thanks to
Johnny Do) One is that there is a hidden caddy in OCEAN BEACH.  Go to the light
tower. Near it is a bush. Press triangle and you will enter the caddy.
(Sokocevicd25)
Speed: **
Handling: *****
Cornering: *****

-Cheetah
Location:  Entrance to Cortez' Yacht.
Speed: *********
Handling: ********
Cornering: *********

-Coach
Location:  Wait by a Bus stop.
Speed: ***
Handling: **
Cornering: *
Information: Well in the downtown area pick up a coach and drive to a bus stop
and stay there, might have to wait a while but people come and get on the bus
which gives you a $5 bonus...not too much but its still good and its still
money. (thanks to bob dole)

-Comet
Locations: outside the Leaf Links main entrance (Seanppk, Jamie Ivany)
Speed: *********
Handling: ********
Cornering: ********

-Cuban Hermes
Location:  Always driving around Little Havana.
Speed: *******
Handling: ******
Cornering: *****

-Deluxo
Location:  Sunshine auto's once asset is completed.
Speed: *********
Handling: *********
Cornering: *********

-Enforcer
Location:  Get wanted level 3.
Speed: ****
Handling: *****
Cornering: ****

-Esperanto
Locations: It is parked near the on the left hand side of the stadium near the
back.  (Will Campbell)
Speed: ****
Handling: ****
Cornering: ****

-FBI Banshee
Locations: There is a FBI (or CIA) Banshee behind the police station in
DOWNTOWN. Of course it is quite tricky to find it... but... like usual, if it
isn't there, come back later and it'll be there... like cutting cheese.
(Daniel Fomin)
Speed: ********
Handling: ********
Cornering: ********

-FBI Rancher
Location:  Get wanted level 5.
Speed: *******
Handling: ******
Cornering: *****

-FBI Washington
Locations:
1. Parked behind Rock City in the downtown area.
2. The pizza place near the Hyman Condo. First face the pizza place like you
are going to go through the door then take the left alley way and walk around
in there it should be too your right.
Speed: *******
Handling: ******
Cornering: *****
(Locations contributed by Chris Lunt, and bob dole)

-Firetruck
Locations: outside fire stations (Seanppk)
Speed: ****
Handling: ***
Cornering: ***

-Flatbed
Locations: Another location is as far south as you can go on the west island,
just south of the Pay and Spray. (Seanppk)
Speed: ****
Handling: ****
Cornering: **

-Gang Burrito
Location:  North Part of Prawn Island.
Speed: *****
Handling: *****
Cornering: ***

-Glendale
Locations: No parked location
Speed: *****
Handling: ******
Cornering: ******

-Greenwood
Locations: No parked location
Speed: ******
Handling: *****
Cornering: *****

-Hermes
Location:  East of North point mall, South of 3231 vice point.  "There is a
white, two-story home (where Apartment 3C is) and on one of the sides of this
home is a Hermes."  (Daniel Fomin)
Speed: *******
Handling: ******
Cornering: ******

-Hotring Racer
Location:  Hyman Stadium
Speed: **********
Handling: ********
Cornering: *******

-Idaho
Location:  East of North Point Mall next to 3231 Vice Point.
Speed: ***
Handling: ****
Cornering: ****

-Infernus
Locations: outside the Diaz/Vercetti Mansion (Seanppk, Jamie Ivany)  Northpoint
Mall parking place...if you don't see any, destroy a car (blow it up) run into
the mall (located on the second to last floor of the North Point Mall parking)
go back out, and take a look where the car you destroyed was, 90/100%
chance...you will find a new Infernus replacing it! (Daniel Fomin) On the first
floor of the North Point Mall (not sure which side) is a stage with an Infernus
on it. It's great fun to ride about in the Mall.  (Stas O'Neill)
Speed: *********
Handling: *********
Cornering: *********

-Kaufman Cabs
Location:  Kaufman Cabs Company in Little Haiti.
Speed: ******
Handling: ****
Cornering: **

-Landstalker
Location:  Dirt Bike track downtown.
Speed: *****
Handling: ****
Cornering: ***

-Linerunner
Location:  West of Ship in Vice Point.
Speed: ***
Handling: *****
Cornering: *****

-Love Fist
Location:  During Love Fist Mission.
Speed: ******
Handling: *****
Cornering: ****

-Manana
Location:  North Point mall car park.
Speed: ****
Handling: ***
Cornering: ****

-Mesa Grande
Locations: No parked location
Speed: ******
Handling: ******
Cornering: *****

-Moonbeam
Locations: No parked location
Speed: ****
Handling: ***
Cornering: ***

-Mr. Whoopee
Locations: at the Cherry Poppers Ice Cream HQ (Seanppk)
Speed: ****
Handling: ****
Cornering: ***

-Mule
Locations: No parked location
Speed: ***
Handling: ***
Cornering: **

-Oceanic
Locations: Parked outside Ocean View Hotel (Seanppk, Jamie Ivany)
Speed: *****
Handling: ****
Cornering: ****

-Packer
Location:  In north west corner of film studio lot (Jamie Ivany) In Vice Port
at the Vice Port Authority's lot, and just south of Pay `N Spray. (Vido
Corleone)
Speed: ***
Handling: ****
Cornering: **

-Patriot
Locations: At Phil's Place just north of the pizza place on the west island.
(Seanppk, Jamie Ivany) Go to the the film studio and go to where the fake town
is and behind the one side is a Patriot (Anthony Van Den Hemel, Zed Dunn)
Speed: *******
Handling: ******
Cornering: *****

-Perennial
Locations: No parked location
Speed: ***
Handling: ****
Cornering: ***

-Phoenix
Locations: Arena parking lot, and Bunch of Tools in Washington Beach
Speed: ********
Handling: *******
Cornering: *******

-Police
Location:  Police Station north of The Malibu.
Speed: ********
Handling: *******
Cornering: *******

-Pony
Location:  Parking Lot east of Airport Terminal.
Speed: ****
Handling: ****
Cornering: ***

-Rancher
Location:  Vice Point across form construction site.  Driving in front of
Sunshine autos. (Thanks to Tommy Vercett)
Speed: *****
Handling: *****
Cornering: ***

-RC Bandit
Locations: (see RC Missions)
Speed: **
Handling: **
Cornering: ***

-RC Baron
Locations: (see RC Missions)
Speed: *******
Handling: *****
Cornering: **

-RC Raider
Locations: (see RC Missions)
Speed: **
Handling: **
Cornering: *****

-Regina
Location:  North Point Mall Car Park.
Speed: ****
Handling: ****
Cornering: ***

-Rhino
Location: Fort Baxter's airbase. (Jamie Ivany)  Get it after 90 packages. (Vido
Corleone)
Speed: ***
Handling: ****
Cornering: *******

-Romero's Hearse
Location:  Romero's funeral Home in little Haiti.
Speed: *****
Handling: ****
Cornering: ****

-Rumpo
Location:  1. Parking Lot of North of Airport Terminal.  Behind the Malibu Club
where you get a hidden package. If it is not there, go walk a while and come
back.  2. Remember the mission "Hit the Courier"? If you do, go to the docks
where all the gun-wielding women are. In this place, there is the second ship.
Well, to the second ship, the entrance is a quad of wooden planks. Facing these
planks is a sweet Rumpo!  3. Start going into Vice Port from Little Havana.
When there is a work, there shall be an open wooden fence with a Rumpo looking
outside waiting to be set free... that's your job! (Daniel Fomin)
Speed: ****
Handling: **
Cornering: **

-SWAT Cheetah
Locations: Only accessible if you get 3 of more stars. (Vido Corleone) Speed:
*********
Handling: ********
Cornering: *********
(Thanks to Timothy Andrews for this, and thanks to Vido Corleone for correction
to SWAT Cheetah)
More Information: I would like to comment on the "SWAT Cheetah."  It should be
called the Vice Police Cheetah.  If you watch the guys who get out, they look
like the characters on the 80's TV show.  The only difference is the Vice
Police Cheetah has only a cop radio and you can do vigilante missions on it.
 The easiest way to steal one is to get a 3-star wanted level and wait for it
to come, then put in the lower wanted level cheat, take it and park it in a
garage.  (Thanks to Einstein0801)

-Sabre
Locations: No parked location
Speed: *******
Handling: *****
Cornering: ******

-Sabre Turbo
Location:  Sunshine autos once asset is completed.
Speed: ********
Handling: *****
Cornering: *****

-Sandking
Location:  Finish sunshine autos asset.
Speed: *****
Handling: ********
Cornering: ******

-Securicar
Location: DPB security.
Speed: ****
Handling: ****
Cornering: ***

-Sentinel
Locations: inside the Sunshine Autos dealership (Seanppk, Jamie Ivany)
Speed: ****
Handling: ****
Cornering: ****

-Sentinel XS
Locations: From the main airport terminal head east down the road. The road
will curve right and you should keep following it.  After it curves you will
see a building on the left and a gated parking lot. It is in the parking lot.
(Thanks to THAguyINgta3)
Speed: ********
Handling: *******
Cornering: *******

-Spand Express
Location:  Spand Express Building.
Speed: ****
Handling: ****
Cornering: **

-Stallion
Locations: Shrub covered parking garage, where you meet Lance the second time
in the Guardian Angels mission (Vido Corleone)
Speed: *****
Handling: *****
Cornering: *****

-Stretch
Locations: At Diaz'/Vercetti's mansion next to the steps opposite the Infernus.
(Thanks to Jamie Ivany)
Speed: ****
Handling: ***
Cornering: **

-Stinger
Locations: In the garage of a Starfish Island Mansion (Vido Corleone)
Speed: ******
Handling: ********
Cornering: ********

-Taxi
Location:  East of North Point mall.
Speed: ******
Handling: ******
Cornering: *****

-Top Fun
Locations: (See RC Missions for locations)
Speed: *****
Handling: *****
Cornering: ****

-Trashmaster
Locations: In the dump on the western side of the western island.
(Seanppk, Jamie Ivany)
Speed: ***
Handling: ****
Cornering: ****

-Virgo
Location:  North Point mall Car Park.
Speed: ******
Handling: *****
Cornering: *****

-Voodoo
Locations: across from auntie poulet near kaufman cabs (pete b)
Speed: ******
Handling: *****
Cornering: ****
Controls: Voodoo controls:
Press L3 to use shocks.  Also move (while down) the right stick forward to make
your car's front end go up, or press it backwards to lift the back end up etc.
If you press it up/right your front right shock will go up and the other tires
will stay down.  If you use press it back/left the rear left shock will go up
etc.  (Thanks to Randall Freels)


-Walton
Locations: No parked location
Speed: *****
Handling: ****
Cornering: ****

-Washington
Locations: No parked location
Speed: ****
Handling: ****
Cornering: ****

-Yankee
Location:  Parking Lot of Main Airport Terminal.
Speed: ****
Handling: ****
Cornering: ***

-Zebra Cabs
Location:  Kaufman Cab after asset is complete.
Speed: ********
Handling: *****
Cornering: ***

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                              9.2 Motorcycles
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-Angel
Locations: Outside the Mitch Baker's gangs hideout just east of where the dual
carriage way splits on the west island (Seanppk, Jamie Ivany)
Speed: ******
Handling: *****
Cornering: ***

-Faggio
Locations: in the alley next to Rosenberg's place. (Seanppk, Jamie
Ivany)
Speed: *
Handling: ****
Cornering: ****

-Freeway
Location:  Mercedes' House.
Speed: *******
Handling: *******
Cornering: ****

-PCJ-600
Locations: At the marina next to the water where Cortez' yacht is (Thanks to
Jamie Ivany) North of the Cheetah by Cortez'. (Jamie Ivany) Go downtown...near
the greasy chopper..to the left or right of it(depending on where you are
coming from) There is Howlin' Petes Biker Imporium.  Get something to break the
window down...from time to time there may be a PCJ-600 there. (Ally Kelley)
Near the Pay N' Spray in Ocean Beach, there is a white house where there is a
unique jump of the stairs. Anyway, this house has a PCJ-600 tucked in a corner!
(Daniel Fomin)
Speed: *********
Handling: ******
Cornering: ****

-Pizza Boy
Locations: Behind or on the side of pizza restaurants near the window if not
there go to another one they regenerate. (bob dole, Jamie Ivany)
Speed: ***
Handling: ***
Cornering: ***

-Sanchez
Location:  Dirt bike track downtown.
Speed: ********
Handling: *****
Cornering: *****

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                   9.3 Boats
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-Coast Guard
Locations: Dock along the waterfront in Northern Vice Port (Vido Corleone)
Speed: ******
Handling: *****
Cornering: ***

-Cuban Jetmax
Location:  Boat yard. (Thanks to Jamie Ivany for information, and thanks to
Vido Corleone for correction)
Speed: ******
Handling: ******
Cornering: **

-Dinghy
Locations: Dock Across the street from Spand Express Company (Vido Corleone)
Speed: ****
Handling: ****
Cornering: ***

-Marquis
Location: Fly ramp up from Rio near Cortez' yacht.
Speed: *****
Handling: *****
Cornering: **

-Predator
Locations: Down stairwell just before the long bridge in Leaf Links. Off the
right side of the road. (Vido Corleone)
Speed: ****
Handling: ***
Cornering: **

-Reefer
Location: South of Marquis near Cortez' yacht.
Speed: ****
Handling: ****
Cornering: *

-Rio
Location: Docks north of cortez' yacht.
Speed: ****
Handling: ***
Cornering: ***

-Speeder
Locations: No parked location
Speed: *******
Handling: ****
Cornering: **

-Squallo
Locations: Boatyard once it is purchased, next to Cuban Jetmax (Vido
Corleone)
Speed: **********
Handling: *****
Cornering: *****

-Tropic
Locations: Dock next to Mercedes' house near Leaf Links (Vido Corleone)
Speed: ******
Handling: ****
Cornering: **

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                 9.4 Planes
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-Hunter
Location:  Fort Baxter air base, you don't need 100 packages.
Speed: **********
Handling: **********
Cornering: **********

-Maverick
Location:  Your mansion, and Hyman Condo.
Speed: ********
Handling: *****
Cornering: ********

-Police Maverick
Location:  Top of police station downtown.
Speed: ********
Handling: *******
Cornering: *******

-Sea Sparrow
Location:  Once you collect 80 packages between the pools behind your
mansion.
Speed: *******
Handling: ****
Cornering: ********

-Skimmer
Location: On wharf behind film studio. (Vido Corleone)
Speed: **********
Handling: ******
Cornering: ***

-Sparrow
Location:  1st building to the east of the police station downtown.
Speed: *********
Handling: ****
Cornering: ***

-VCN Maverick
Location: On top of VCN building.
Speed: ********
Handling: *****
Cornering: ********

Here is another look at car locations from Jnco394, thanks a lot!


     ##### Vehicles list provided by AggroSk8er, thanks bud. #####

Vehicles                         Location

*Admiral                         Starfish Island, when coming from
                                 the second island turn left on the
                                 first road. It's the first house on
                                 the left. You have to park a car
                                 near the fence, jump on the car,
                                 and then jump over the fence.

*Baggage Handler              1. At the airport just west of the
                                 main building behind the fence.
                              2. Go behind the main terminal and look SE.

*Banshee                         On Starfish Island's main road that
                                 connects to the other islands it's
                                 at the western most house on the
                                 north side of the street.

*Benson                          Coming from Sunshine Auto's head
                                 south. There is a pay' n' spray on
                                 the right. It is just past it on
                                 the left.

*BF Injection                    Just go east of the Malibu. It's on
                                 the wooden sidewalk (near the
                                 beach) a little bit south.

Blista Compact                   Usually found driving around
                                 Washington Beach.

*Bloodring Banger                On the south side of Hyman Memorial
                                 Stadium after beating the mission
                                 "Bloodring". There are two version
                                 a Glendale and an Oceanic. Both of
                                 them are parked here.

Bobcat                           Usually found driving around in
                                 Vice Port.

Boxville                         Usually found driving around
                                 airport.

Burrito                          Usually found driving around
                                 Downtown.

Bus                              Usually found driving around inside
                                 the airport gates(where the planes
                                 are).

*Caddy                           Near the lighthouse there is a small
                                 wooden bridge. Cross it heading towards
                                 the lightnouse and follow the dirt path
                                 that is slightly to the right. It is
                                 hidden in the first set of bushes to
                                 the right.

*Cheetah                         At the docks in Washington Beach.

Coach                            Usually stopped at bus stop signs.

*Comet                        1. Starfish Island, when you are
                                 coming from the first island take
                                 the first road on the right. Then
                                 enter the second driveway on the
                                 right. It's in the garage.
                              2. Parked outside of Leaf Links.

Cuban Hermes                     Driving around Little Havana and
                                 Little Haiti.

*Deluxo                          After buying Sunshine Autos and
                                 gathering the first list of cars it
                                 will be in the showroom.

Esperanto                        Usually found driving around Vice
                                 Point.

*Flatbed                         Go as far SW as you can by road in
                                 Vice Port. Then search SW of that
                                 road.

*Gang Burrito                    Prawn Island in the northern most
                                 house's driveway.

Glendale                         Usually found driving around
                                 Downtown.

Greenwood                        Usually found driving around
                                 Washington Beach.

*Hermes                          Just south of Rafael's there is an
                                 underground plaza thing. There is one
                                 across the street to the west.

*Hotring Racer                   After buying Sunshine Autos and
                                 gathering the fourth list of cars
                                 it will be in the showroom.

Idaho                            Usually found driving around Little
                                 Haiti.

*Infernus                     1. Outside of the Diaz's Mansion, just
                                 east of the main steps.
                              2. Inside the North Point Mall in the NW
                                 corner.

*Landstalker                     SE corner of the dirtbike track
                                 Downtown.

*Linerunner                      Head south into Vice Port and when
                                 the road splits go right. You
                                 should see it on the left. It's in
                                 a dirt parking lot.

@Love Fist                       Is used in a mission for Kent Paul/Love
                                 Fist.

Manana                           Usually found driving around in
                                 Little Haiti.

Mesa Grande                      Usually found driving around
                                 Downtown.

Moonbeam                         Usually found driving around Little
                                 Havana.

Mule                             Usually found driving around Vice
                                 Port.

*Oceanic                         Outside of the Ocean View Hotel.

*Packer                       1. Inside the film studio, NW corner.
                              2. In the Port Autority parking lot at the
                                 docks. Thanks to TheBlackAndGreenGuy.
                              3. Behind the airport terminal.

*Patriot                      1. In a hanger at Phil Cassidy's
                                 place.
                              2. Inside the film studio, SE corner.

Perennial                        Usually found driving around Vice
                                 Point.

*Phoenix                         On Starfish Island, when your coming
                                 from the first island take the first
                                 right. It is at the third house on the
                                 right (you can jump the wall).

*Pony                            Head south into Vice Port and when
                                 the road splits go left. On the
                                 right you should see a dirt parking
                                 lot. It is in the SE corner.

Rancher                          Usually found driving around Vice
                                 Point.

Regina                           Usually found driving around Little
                                 Haiti.

@Romero's hearse                 It is only in the mission "Two Bit
                                 Hit" that you get from Avery.

*Rumpo                           Behind the Malibu.

Sabre                            Usually found driving around
                                 Downtown.

*Sabre Turbo                     After buying Sunshine Autos and
                                 gathering the second list of cars
                                 it will be in the showroom.

*Sandking                        After buying Sunshine Autos and
                                 gathering the third list of cars it
                                 will be in the showroom.

Securicar                        In the third assassination (phone)
                                 mission, the second guy has one. It
                                 is locked so you'll have to snipe
                                 him and take it to pay' n' spray,
                                 or you can usually find it driving
                                 around in Vice Port.

*Sentinel                        In the showroom for Sunshine
                                 Auto's.

*Sentinel XS                     From the main airport terminal head
                                 east down the road. The road will curve
                                 right and you should keep following it.
                                 After it curves you will see a building
                                 on the left and a gated parking lot. It
                                 is in the parking lot.

@Spand Express                1. Available during the mission "Jury
                                 Fury" for Rosenberg. Thanks to
(Thanks to Paul Rudoff for       THAguyINgta3.
telling me about the error    2. Available during the mission "Riot" for
I had here.)                     Rosenberg.


Stallion                         Driving around Little Havana and
                                 Little Haiti.

*Stretch                         Outside of Diaz's Mansion, just
                                 west of the main steps.

*Stinger                         On Starfish Island, it is parked at
                                 the house to the east of the one
                                 with the R* pool. You have to jump
                                 the fence.

*Top Fun                      1. On the beach near the dirtbike
                                 track.
                              2. On top of the parking garage for the
                                 North Point Mall.
                              3. In a parking lot near the airport docks.

*Trashmaster                     In the middle of the junkyard.

Virgo                            Usually found driving around
                                 Washington Beach.

*Voodoo                          Outside Auntie Poulet's house.

Walton                           Usually found driving around in
                                 Vice Port.

Washington                       Usually found driving around
                                 Starfish Island.

Yankee                           Usually found driving around Vice
                                 Port.

_______________________________________________________________________
                                4. MOTORCYCLES
*Angel                           Outside of the Greasy Chopper.

*Faggio                       1. On the sidewalk SE of the police
                                 station in Washington Beach.
                              2. In the alley north of where you get
                                 Rosenburg's missions. Thanks to
                                 ChocoMog230.

Freeway	                      1. Usually driving around the Ocean
                                 View Hotel.
                              2. There is one near Prawn Island. If you
                                 go to Prawn Island then take the Bridge
                                 leading away from the island and
                                 towards the North point mall, then take
                                 the first right and you will see it
                                 next to the first building on the left.
                                 Thanks to Matt Pinske.

*PCJ-600                      1. At the docks in Washington Beach.
                              2. In the parking lot just north of the
                                 Pay'n'spray on the first island.
                                 Thanks to thunderboltisback.
                              3. Start on the first Island, going north
                                 on the main beachfront road.  When the
                                 road turns and joins a parallel road,
                                 keep going straight to the building and
                                 walk the perimeter.  You'll find a PCJ.
                                 This is the PCJ used in "PCJ
                                 Playground". Thanks to SpinToWinJim.
                              4. It can also be found behind a glass
                                 panel at Howlin' Petes Biker Emporium
                                 just across the street from the Greasy
                                 Chopper. Thanks to MadRider.

*Sanchez                         SE corner of the dirtbike track
                                 Downtown.
_______________________________________________________________________
                                5. BOATS
*Coast Guard                     At a jetty just north of the
                                 boatyard.

*Cuban Jetmax                    At the boatyard after buying it.

*Dinghy                          At the jetty behind the building
                                 you destroyed in the mission
                                 "Demolition Man". It is likely (but
                                 not confirmed) that it doesn't
                                 appear there until after you have
                                 unlocked the second island.

*Marquis                         At the dock where Cortez was. When
                                 you finish all of Cortez' mission
                                 the docks will be unlocked.

*Reefer                          At the dock where Cortez was. When
                                 you finish all of Cortez' mission
                                 the docks will be unlocked.

*Rio                             At the docks slightly north of
                                 where Cortez was. When you unlock
                                 the second island the docks will be
                                 open.

*Speeder                         At the dock where Cortez was. When
                                 you finish all of Cortez' mission
                                 the docks will be unlocked.

*Squallo                         At the boatyard after buying it.

*Tropic                          At the dock slightly SW of the
                                 Links View Apartments. It is likely
                                 (but not confirmed) that it doesn't
                                 appear there until after you have
                                 unlocked the second island.

_______________________________________________________________________
                                6. AIRCRAFTS
*Maverick                     1. On top of the Hyman Condo Downtown.
                              2. On top of Diaz's mansion. Thanks to M16.

*Police Maverick                 On top of the police department
                                 Downtown.

*Sea Sparrow	                 The back deck at Diaz's Mansion
                                 after getting 80 packages.

*Skimmer                         After buying the film studio and
                                 beating the second mission it will
                                 be parked outside of the NW corner
                                 at the studio docks.

*Sparrow                      1. On top of a building slightly NE of
                                 Auntie Poulet's house. The building
                                 has a billboard on top of it that
                                 says "move over Miami".
                              2. There is a sparrow on the lower office
                                 level of the building used in
                                 "G-Spotlight". Thanks to SpinToWinJim.
                              3. Across from the Links View Heights
                                 there are apartments. Behind them are
                                 some back yards. It is in the middle
                                 one.
                              4. On top of the building just south of
                                 the pay'n'spray in Ocean Beach.

*VCN Maverick                    Dowtown VCN building, when you get
                                 off the bridge from prawn island it
                                 is the first building on the right.
                                 Find the open door that leads to
                                 the roof.

_______________________________________________________________________
                                7. SPECIAL MISSION VEHICLES
*Ambulance                    1. Outside of Ocean View Hospital in
                                 Washington Beach.
                              2. In the parking lot of the hospital
                                 Downtown.
                              3. In the driveway of the hospital in
                                 Vice Point.

Barracks OL                      Get 6 stars and they will chase
                                 you.

Cabbie                           Usually found driving around
                                 Washington Beach.

Vice Cheetah                     Get 3 stars and undercover cops will
                                 start chasing you in Cheetahs.

Enforcer                         Get 4 stars and they will chase
                                 you.

FBI Rancher                      Get 5 stars and they will chase
                                 you.

*FBI Washington                  Downtown in the alley behind Rock
                                 City.

*Firetruck                       Outside of fire station Downtown.

*Hunter                          After you beat all of the story
                                 missions, or get 100 packages it's
                                 near the back wall of the military
                                 base. If you do both it will be at
                                 the helipad at the south end of the
                                 first island too.

*Kaufman Cab                     After buying the taxi firm it's
                                 parked inside.

*Mr. Whoopee                     After you buy Cherry Poppers Ice
                                 Cream shop it will be in the garage
                                 there.

*Pizza Boy                       Behind the pizza place on the first
                                 island and the one in Little Haiti,
                                 and beside the one Downtown.

*Police                       1. Outside of police station in
                                 Washington Beach.
                              2. Outside of police station in Litle
                                 Havana.
                              3. Outside of the police station Dowtown.
                              4. Outside of the police station in Vice
                                 Point.

*Predator                        Under the SE corner of the bridge
                                 from Leaf Links Golf Club to the
                                 second island.

*Rhino                           After get 90 packages it's in the
                                 military base.

Taxi                             Usually found driving around
                                 Washington Beach.

*Zebra Cab                       After beating the taxi firm's
                                 missions it's parked inside.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                              9.5 Vehicle Statistics
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here is some info from gaius

Here are the real stats of the vehicles; the ones above were comparing the
stats to each vehicle.  These are the actual statistics, gotten from the
handling.cfg file on the DVD portion of GTA:VC.  As you can see, many of the
cars from GTA3 are on the disc still, as they overwrote the disc from GTA3 to
make GTA:VC.

Units
-----
-Vehicle identifier 14 characters max
-Dimensions in meters
-Mass in Kg
-Velocity in Km/h
-Acceleration/deceleration in ms-2
-Multipliers x1.0 is default
-Angles in degrees
-Suspension Levels: (L)ow, (M)edium, (H)igh
-Buoyancy: percent submerged (> 100% vehicle sinks)
-Engine type: (P)etrol, (D)iesel, (E)lectric
-Engine drive: (F)ront, (R)ear, (4)-wheel drive

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Field Descriptions
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The descriptions will come in this order, right now I will explain what each of
these mean.

Vehicle identifier
------------------
It is the name of the vehicle, and it is no more than 14 characters long.

Mass
----
It's the mass of that vehicle, or how much it weighs; it ranges from 1.0 to
50000.0

Dimensions of X
---------------
The dimension of the vehicle lengthwise, and it ranges from 0 to 20.

Dimensions of Y
---------------
The height of the vehicle, and it ranges from 0 to 20.

Dimensions of Z
---------------
The depth of the vehicle, use all three dimensions to get the volume of the
car, and it is also from 0 to 20.

Center Of Mass (X)
------------------
This is where the center of mass is in the car in the X dimension.  Ranges from
-10 to 10, with zero being in the middle.

Center Of Mass (Y)
------------------
This is where the center of mass is in the vehicle in the Y dimension.  It
ranges from -10 to 10 with 0 in the middle.

Center Of Mass (Z)
------------------
This is where the center of mass is in the vehicle's Z dimension.  It ranges
from -10 to 10 with 0 in the middle.

Percent Submerged
-----------------
This is in percent, and it is how much the vehicle will submerge underwater if
it falls in it.  100 would mean it is sinking.

Traction Multiplier
-------------------
This is how well your vehicle handles things.  The higher the better, from 0.5-
2.0

Traction Loss
-------------
This is how much traction you lose when you go onto a slippery surface like
dirt or grass or wet.  It is from 0.0 to 1.0

Traction Bias
-------------
This is how much traction power goes to the front wheels when you are slipping.
This also goes from 0 to 1.

Transmission: Number Of Gears
-----------------------------
This pretty self-explanatory, it is the number of gears in the vehicle and it
can range from 1 to 4.

Transmission: Maximum Velocity
------------------------------
This is also pretty easy to understand, but it is how fast the car can go
between 5 and 150.

Transmission: Engine Acceleration
---------------------------------
This is how fast the vehicle accelerates, and it is in the units of ms-2.  It
ranges from 0.1 to 10.0.

Transmission: Drive Type
------------------------
This is what wheels the car uses to accelerate.  I will abbreviate it to make
it easier for me.  F=Front Wheel Drive, B=Back Wheel Drive, and 4=4-Wheel
Drive.

Transmission: Engine Type
-------------------------
This is what kind of gasoline the engine uses, there for the type of engine.
P=Petrol, D=Diesel, and E=Electric.

Brake Deceleration
------------------
This is pretty much the opposite of acceleration, how fast it slows down.  It
is in the same units as acceleration which is ms-2, and it ranges from 0.1 to
10.0.

Brake Bias
----------
This one is kind of weird; it is how much braking power goes to the front
wheels.  This goes from 0 to 1.

ABS (Assisted Breaking Mechanism)
---------------------------------
This is simply whether you have it for not.  O is no and 1 is yes.

Steering Lock
-------------
This is simply how far you can turn the wheels wither way on the
car/truck/motorcycle.

Suspension: Force Level
-----------------------
I'm not sure what this is, and it has no levels.

Suspension: Damping Level
-------------------------
This is how much the suspension dampens the shocks from the road or whatever
you are driving on.  This doesn't have any specific levels.

Seat Offset Distance
--------------------
"Ped seat position offset towards center of car." (Gaius)

Collision Damage Multiplier
---------------------------
How much damage it does to your car compared to others.  I.E., comparing a
Banshee with a Linerunner.  This goes from 0.2 to 5.0.

Monetary Value
--------------
This is how much the vehicle costs.  This stat is used in a couple ways in the
game.  It ranges from 1 to 100000 dollars.

Suspension: Upper Limit
-----------------------
How far up the tires can go

Suspension: Lower Limit
-----------------------
How far down the tires can go

Suspension: Bias
----------------
The balance of the suspension between the front and back.  No levels are in
this one.

Suspension: Anti-drive multiplier
--------------------------------
What is that supposed to mean, how you don't drive?  If anyone knows e-mail me.

Flags
-----
The flags are other optional things that are put on some cars.  They will be
written in with several options and if I put them with that car that means that
the vehicle has that flag.  There are several flags.  If anyone has a question
on what they mean, e-mail me and I will tell you until I get the descriptions
up.

1: 1G_BOOST
2: 2G_BOOST
3: REV_BONNET
4: HANGING_BOOT
5: NO_DOORS
6: IS_VAN
7: IS_BUS
8: IS_LOW
9: DBL_EXHAUST	
10: TAILGATE_BOOT
11: NOSWING_BOOT
12: NONPLAYER_STABILISER
13: NEUTRALHANDLING
14: HAS_NO_ROOF
15: IS_BIG
16: HALOGEN_LIGHTS
17: IS_BIKE
18: IS_HELI
19: IS_PLANE
20: IS_BOAT
21: NO_EXHAUST
22: REARWHEEL_1ST
23: HANDBRAKE_TYRE8
24: SIT_IN_BOAT
25: FAT_REARW
26: NARROW_FRONTW
27: GOOD_INSAND

Front Lights
------------
(0 = long, 1 = small, 2 = big, 3 = tall)

Rear Lights
-----------
(0 = long, 1 = small, 2 = big, 3 = tall)

~~~~~~~~~
The Data
~~~~~~~~~

Cars and Trucks
---------------

Vehicle Identifier: LANDSTAL
Real Name: Landstalker
Mass: 1700.0
Dimensions of X: 2.0
Dimensions of Y: 5.0
Dimensions of Z: 2.0
Center Of Mass (X): 0.0
Center Of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center Of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 85
Traction Multiplier: 0.85
Traction Loss: 0.85
Traction Bias: 0.51
Transmission: Number Of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 160.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 20.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: D
Brake Deceleration: 6.2
Brake Bias: 0.60
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 35.0
Suspension: Force Level: 1.7
Suspension: Damping Level: 0.08
Seat Offset Distance: 0.27
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.23
Monetary Value: 25000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.25
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.15
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive multiplier: 0.25
Flags: REV_BONNET, HANGING_BOOT, NEUTRALHANDLING, HAS_NO_ROOF,
HALOGEN_LIGHTS
Front Lights: 0
Rear Lights: 1

Vehicle Identifier: SENTINEL
Real Name: Sentinel
Mass: 1400.0
Dimensions of X: 2.0
Dimensions of Y: 4.9
Dimensions of Z: 1.6
Center Of Mass (X): 0.0
Center Of Mass (Y): 0.2
Center Of Mass (Z): -0.2
Percent Submerged: 75
Traction Multiplier: 0.91
Traction Loss: 0.80
Traction Bias: 0.55
Transmission: Number Of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 165.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 24.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 10.17
Brake Bias: 0.55
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension: Force Level: 1.3
Suspension: Damping Level: 0.13
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.56
Monetary Value: 35000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.27
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.15
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive multiplier: 0.3
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, NO_DOORS, HAS_NO_ROOF
Front Lights: 0
Rear Lights: 1


Vehicle Identifier: PEREN
Real Name: Perennial
Mass: 1200.0
Dimensions of X: 1.9
Dimensions of Y: 5.0
Dimensions of Z: 1.4
Center Of Mass (X): 0.0
Center Of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center Of Mass (Z): 0.1
Percent Submerged: 70
Traction Multiplier: 0.95
Traction Loss: 0.80
Traction Bias: 0.53
Transmission: Number Of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 150.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 13.0
Transmission: Drive Type: F
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 4.17
Brake Bias: 0.80
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension: Force Level: 1.4
Suspension: Damping Level: 0.1
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.60
Monetary Value: 10000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.37
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.17
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive multiplier: 0.0
Flags: 2G_BOOST, HANGING_BOOT
Front Lights: 1
Rear Lights: 1


Vehicle Identifier: LINERUN
Real Name: Linerunner
Mass: 3800.0
Dimensions of X: 2.6
Dimensions of Y: 7.5
Dimensions of Z: 3.5
Center Of Mass (X): 0.0
Center Of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center Of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 90
Traction Multiplier: 0.95
Traction Loss: 0.65
Traction Bias: 0.4
Transmission: Number Of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 120.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 18.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: D
Brake Deceleration: 8.0
Brake Bias: 0.30
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 25.0
Suspension: Force Level: 1.8
Suspension: Damping Level: 0.04
Seat Offset Distance: 0.65
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.25
Monetary Value: 35000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.40
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.20
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive multiplier: 0.0
Flags: 2G_BOOST, IS_BIKE
Front Lights: 0
Rear Lights: 1


Vehicle Identifier: STINGER
Real Name: Stinger
Mass: 1400.0
Dimensions of X: 1.9
Dimensions of Y: 4.7
Dimensions of Z: 1.5
Center Of Mass (X): 0.0
Center Of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center Of Mass (Z): -0.30
Percent Submerged: 85
Traction Multiplier: 1.2
Traction Loss: 0.85
Traction Bias: 0.52
Transmission: Number Of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 200.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 28.0
Transmission: Drive Type: F
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 11.0
Brake Bias: 0.45
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension: Force Level: 1.8
Suspension: Damping Level: 0.20
Seat Offset Distance: 0.25
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.50
Monetary Value: 35000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.28
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.15
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive multiplier: 0.4
Flags: 2G_BOOST, HANGING_BOOT, NO_DOORS, HAS_NO_ROOF
Front Lights: 1
Rear Lights: 1


Vehicle Identifier: IDAHO
Real Name: Idaho
Mass: 1600.0
Dimensions of X: 1.9
Dimensions of Y: 5.0
Dimensions of Z: 1.7
Center Of Mass (X): 0.0
Center Of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center Of Mass (Z): 0.25
Percent Submerged: 75
Traction Multiplier: 0.75
Traction Loss: 0.70
Traction Bias: 0.52
Transmission: Number Of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 160.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 16.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 6.2
Brake Bias: 0.55
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension: Force Level: 1.0
Suspension: Damping Level: 0.10
Seat Offset Distance: 0.28
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.44
Monetary Value: 20000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.35
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.17
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive multiplier: 0.5
Flags: 2G_BOOST, REARWHEEL_1ST
Front Lights: 0
Rear Lights: 1


Vehicle Identifier: PATRIOT
Real Name: Patriot
Mass: 2500.0
Dimensions of X: 2.4
Dimensions of Y: 5.7
Dimensions of Z: 2.2
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): -0.15
Percent Submerged: 80
Traction Multiplier: 0.92
Traction Loss: 0.78
Traction Bias: 0.5
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 170.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 19.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 08.17
Brake Bias: 0.50
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.5
Suspension Damping Level: 0.1
Seat Offset Distance: 0.28
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.25
Monetary Value: 40000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.35
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.35
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Flags: REV_BONNET, NO_DOORS, NEUTRALHANDLING, HAS_NO_ROOF
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1


Vehicle Identifier: FIRETRUK
Real Name: Firetruck
Mass: 6500.0
Dimensions of X: 2.9
Dimensions of Y: 7.7
Dimensions of Z: 3.8
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 90
Traction Multiplier: 0.65
Traction Loss: 0.7
Traction Bias: 0.5
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 170.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 22.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: D
Brake Deceleration: 10.00
Brake Bias: 0.45
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 27.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.2
Suspension Damping Level: 0.08
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.26
Monetary Value: 15000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.47
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.17
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Flags: REV_BONNET, IS_BUS, IS_BIG
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1


Vehicle Identifier: TRASH
Real Name: Trashmaster
Mass: 5500.0
Dimensions of X: 2.9
Dimensions of Y: 8.0
Dimensions of Z: 3.6
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 90
Traction Multiplier: 0.58
Traction Loss: 0.8
Traction Bias: 0.5
Transmission: Number of Gears: 4
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 110.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 07.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: D
Brake Deceleration: 03.17
Brake Bias: 0.40
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.4
Suspension Damping Level: 0.06
Seat Offset Distance: 0.45
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.20
Monetary Value: 5000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.45
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.25
Suspension: Bias: 0.55
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Flags: 2G_BOOST, IS_BIG, FAT_REARW, NARROW_FRONTW
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1


Vehicle Identifier: STRETCH
Real Name: Stretch
Mass: 2200.0
Dimensions of X: 2.0
Dimensions of Y: 7.3
Dimensions of Z: 1.3
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 75
Traction Multiplier: 0.67
Traction Loss: 0.8
Traction Bias: 0.5
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 180.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 10.0
Transmission: Drive Type: F
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 10.0
Brake Bias: 0.40
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.2
Suspension Damping Level: 0.07
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.72
Monetary Value: 40000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.35
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.15
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, NO_DOORS, HAS_NO_ROOF
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 1


Vehicle Identifier: MANANA
Real Name: Manana
Mass: 1000.0
Dimensions of X: 2.0
Dimensions of Y: 4.5
Dimensions of Z: 1.4
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.1
Percent Submerged: 70
Traction Multiplier: 1.00
Traction Loss: 0.86
Traction Bias: 0.5
Transmission: Number of Gears: 4
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 160.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 15.0
Transmission: Drive Type: F
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 08.0
Brake Bias: 0.80
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.6
Suspension Damping Level: 0.08
Seat Offset Distance: 0.26
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.50
Monetary Value: 9000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.31
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.11
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Flags: 2G_BOOST
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 0


Vehicle Identifier: INFERNUS
Real Name: Infernus
Mass: 1600.0
Dimensions of X: 2.0
Dimensions of Y: 4.4
Dimensions of Z: 1.3
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): -0.3
Percent Submerged: 70
Traction Multiplier: 0.95
Traction Loss: 0.80
Traction Bias: 0.52
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 240.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 29.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 11.0
Brake Bias: 0.52
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.8
Suspension Damping Level: 0.19
Seat Offset Distance: 0.37
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.72
Monetary Value: 95000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.25
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.17
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.4
Flags: 1G_BOOST, IS_VAN, HALOGEN_LIGHTS, IS_BIKE, SIT_IN_BOAT,
NARROW_FRONTW
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 1


Vehicle Identifier: PONY
Real Name: Pony
Mass: 2600.0
Dimensions of X: 2.0
Dimensions of Y: 6.0
Dimensions of Z: 2.6
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): -0.25
Percent Submerged: 80
Traction Multiplier: 0.85
Traction Loss: 0.70
Traction Bias: 0.46
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 160.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 15.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: D
Brake Deceleration: 6.0
Brake Bias: 0.80
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 2.6
Suspension Damping Level: 0.07
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.50
Monetary Value: 20000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.35
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.15
Suspension: Bias: 0.25
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Flags: 2G_BOOST, IS_VAN
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 3



Vehicle Identifier: MULE
Real Name: Mule
Mass: 3500.0
Dimensions of X: 2.3
Dimensions of Y: 6.5
Dimensions of Z: 3.3
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.5
Percent Submerged: 80
Traction Multiplier: 0.82
Traction Loss: 0.70
Traction Bias: 0.46
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 140.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 12.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: D
Brake Deceleration: 4.5
Brake Bias: 0.60
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 2.5
Suspension Damping Level: 0.11
Seat Offset Distance: 0.46
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.53
Monetary Value: 22000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.30
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.15
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Flags: REV_BONNET, IS_BUS, HAS_NO_ROOF
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 3


Vehicle Identifier: CHEETAH
Real Name: Cheetah
Mass: 1200.0
Dimensions of X: 2.0
Dimensions of Y: 4.5
Dimensions of Z: 1.4
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.1
Center of Mass (Z): -0.3
Percent Submerged: 70
Traction Multiplier: 1.3
Traction Loss: 0.89
Traction Bias: 0.50
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 230.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 32.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 11.1
Brake Bias: 0.48
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 2.2
Suspension Damping Level: 0.20
Seat Offset Distance: 0.40
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.54
Monetary Value: 105000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.25
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.16
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.3
Flags: 1G_BOOST, HALOGEN_LIGHTS, IS_BIKE, SIT_IN_BOAT, FAT_REARW
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 0


Vehicle Identifier: AMBULAN
Real Name: Amublance
Mass: 2600.0
Dimensions of X: 2.2
Dimensions of Y: 6.5
Dimensions of Z: 2.0
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): -0.1
Percent Submerged: 90
Traction Multiplier: 0.95
Traction Loss: 0.80
Traction Bias: 0.47
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 190.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 24.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: D
Brake Deceleration: 7.0
Brake Bias: 0.55
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 35.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.4
Suspension Damping Level: 0.07
Seat Offset Distance: 0.58
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.33
Monetary Value: 10000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.40
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.15
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, IS_VAN, TAILGATE_BOOT
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1


Vehicle Identifier: FBICAR
Real Name: Fbi Car
Mass: 1500.0
Dimensions of X: 2.0
Dimensions of Y: 4.9
Dimensions of Z: 1.6
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): -0.1
Percent Submerged: 75
Traction Multiplier: 0.93
Traction Loss: 0.91
Traction Bias: 0.51
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 190.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 24.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 10.0
Brake Bias: 0.5
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.6
Suspension Damping Level: 0.12
Seat Offset Distance: 0.24
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.23
Monetary Value: 18000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.27
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.19
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.3
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, NO_DOORS, HAS_NO_ROOF
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 2



Vehicle Identifier: MOONBEAM
Real Name: Moonbeam
Mass: 2000.0
Dimensions of X: 2.2
Dimensions of Y: 5.5
Dimensions of Z: 2.5
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.1
Percent Submerged: 85
Traction Multiplier: 0.9
Traction Loss: 0.8
Traction Bias: 0.47
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 150.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 15.0
Transmission: Drive Type: F
Transmission: Engine Type: D
Brake Deceleration: 5.5
Brake Bias: 0.6
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.4
Suspension Damping Level: 0.1
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.75
Monetary Value: 16000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.35
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.15
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Flags: 2G_BOOST, HANGING_BOOT
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 3


Vehicle Identifier: ESPERANT
Real Name: Esperanto
Mass: 1800.0
Dimensions of X: 2.0
Dimensions of Y: 5.0
Dimensions of Z: 1.6
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 70
Traction Multiplier: 0.90
Traction Loss: 0.8
Traction Bias: 0.52
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 160.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 18.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 3.4
Brake Bias: 0.60
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 28.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.0
Suspension Damping Level: 0.05
Seat Offset Distance: 0.36
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.54
Monetary Value: 19000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.35
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.18
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Flags: 1G_BOOST
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 3


Vehicle Identifier: TAXI
Real Name: Taxi
Mass: 1450.0
Dimensions of X: 2.1
Dimensions of Y: 5.4
Dimensions of Z: 1.6
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): -0.25
Percent Submerged: 75
Traction Multiplier: 1.00
Traction Loss: 0.8
Traction Bias: 0.52
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 180.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 19.0
Transmission: Drive Type: F
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 9.1
Brake Bias: 0.60
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 35.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.4
Suspension Damping Level: 0.1
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.51
Monetary Value: 20000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.25
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.15
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, HAS_NO_ROOF
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1


Vehicle Identifier: KURUMA
Real Name: Kuruma
Mass: 1500.0
Dimensions of X: 1.9
Dimensions of Y: 4.9
Dimensions of Z: 1.4
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.15
Percent Submerged: 75
Traction Multiplier: 0.87
Traction Loss: 0.85
Traction Bias: 0.48
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 180.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 17.0
Transmission: Drive Type: F
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 7.17
Brake Bias: 0.55
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.6
Suspension Damping Level: 0.1
Seat Offset Distance: 0.24
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.60
Monetary Value: 18000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.27
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.13
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, HAS_NO_ROOF
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 1


Vehicle Identifier: BOBCAT
Real Name: Bobcat
Mass: 2000.0
Dimensions of X: 2.1
Dimensions of Y: 5.0
Dimensions of Z: 2.3
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.3
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 75
Traction Multiplier: 0.90
Traction Loss: 0.76
Traction Bias: 0.57
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 165.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 17.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: D
Brake Deceleration: 8.5
Brake Bias: 0.5
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 35.0
Suspension Force Level: 2.0
Suspension Damping Level: 0.12
Seat Offset Distance: 0.26
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.20
Monetary Value: 26000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.35
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.29
Suspension: Bias: 0.4
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Flags: 1G_BOOST, IS_HELI, IS_BOAT, NARROW_FRONTW
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1


Vehicle Identifier: MRWHOOP
Real Name: Mr. Whoopee
Mass: 1700.0
Dimensions of X: 2.0
Dimensions of Y: 5.0
Dimensions of Z: 2.5
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 85
Traction Multiplier: 0.75
Traction Loss: 0.75
Traction Bias: 0.5
Transmission: Number of Gears: 4
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 145.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 12.0
Transmission: Drive Type: F
Transmission: Engine Type: D
Brake Deceleration: 4.17
Brake Bias: 0.80
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 35.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.2
Suspension Damping Level: 0.1
Seat Offset Distance: 0.24
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.77
Monetary Value: 29000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.35
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.15
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Flags: REV_BONNET, IS_BUS, HAS_NO_ROOF
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1


Vehicle Identifier: BFINJECT
Real Name: BF Injection
Mass: 800.0
Dimensions of X: 2.0
Dimensions of Y: 3.5
Dimensions of Z: 1.5
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.2
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 80
Traction Multiplier: 1.20
Traction Loss: 0.88
Traction Bias: 0.50
Transmission: Number of Gears: 4
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 170.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 35.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 6.1
Brake Bias: 0.55
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 35.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.3
Suspension Damping Level: 0.05
Seat Offset Distance: 0.38
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.40
Monetary Value: 15000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.33
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.17
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Flags: 1G_BOOST, 2G_BOOST, REV_BONNET, HAS_NO_ROOF, HALOGEN_LIGHTS,
IS_BIKE, NO_EXHAUST
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 2


Vehicle Identifier: POLICE
Real Name: Police
Mass: 1600.0
Dimensions of X: 2.1
Dimensions of Y: 5.0
Dimensions of Z: 1.6
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.15
Percent Submerged: 75
Traction Multiplier: 1.05
Traction Loss: 0.78
Traction Bias: 0.52
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 200.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 28.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 11.1
Brake Bias: 0.53
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 35.0
Suspension Force Level: 2.0
Suspension Damping Level: 0.12
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.24
Monetary Value: 25000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.28
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.17
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Flags: 1G_BOOST, HANGING_BOOT, HAS_NO_ROOF
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1


Vehicle Identifier: ENFORCER
Real Name: Enforcer
Mass: 4000.0
Dimensions of X: 2.4
Dimensions of Y: 6.8
Dimensions of Z: 2.9
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.2
Center of Mass (Z): 0.2
Percent Submerged: 85
Traction Multiplier: 0.85
Traction Loss: 0.7
Traction Bias: 0.46
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 170.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 17.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: D
Brake Deceleration: 8.4
Brake Bias: 0.45
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 27.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.8
Suspension Damping Level: 0.1
Seat Offset Distance: 0.32
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.16
Monetary Value: 40000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.37
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.17
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: 2G_BOOST, NO_DOORS, IS_VAN, IS_BUS


Vehicle Identifier: SECURICA
Real Name: Securicar
Mass: 7000.0
Dimensions of X: 2.6
Dimensions of Y: 6.8
Dimensions of Z: 3.3
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.2
Percent Submerged: 90
Traction Multiplier: 0.75
Traction Loss: 0.7
Traction Bias: 0.46
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 170.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 8.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: D
Brake Deceleration: 8.4
Brake Bias: 0.45
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 27.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.2
Suspension Damping Level: 0.1
Seat Offset Distance: 0.42
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.35
Monetary Value: 40000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.35
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.15
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, IS_VAN, DBL_EXHAUST, TAILGATE_BOOT
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 1


Vehicle Identifier: BANSHEE
Real Name: Banshee
Mass: 1400.0
Dimensions of X: 2.3
Dimensions of Y: 4.5
Dimensions of Z: 1.6
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): -0.25
Percent Submerged: 70
Traction Multiplier: 1.10
Traction Loss: 0.84
Traction Bias: 0.53
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 200.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 33.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 11.1
Brake Bias: 0.52
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 34.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.8
Suspension Damping Level: 0.18
Seat Offset Distance: 0.30
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.49
Monetary Value: 45000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.25
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.18
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.3
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, NO_DOORS, NONPLAYER_STABILISER, NEUTRALHANDLING,
HAS_NO_ROOF
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 1


Vehicle Identifier: BUS
Real Name: Bus
Mass: 5500.0
Dimensions of X: 2.9
Dimensions of Y: 8.0
Dimensions of Z: 3.6
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 1.5
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 90
Traction Multiplier: 0.65
Traction Loss: 0.85
Traction Bias: 0.45
Transmission: Number of Gears: 4
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 130.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 9.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: D
Brake Deceleration: 4.17
Brake Bias: 0.40
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.2
Suspension Damping Level: 0.07
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.75
Monetary Value: 15000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.45
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.25
Suspension: Bias: 0.45
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Flags: 1G_BOOST, 2G_BOOST
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 1


Vehicle Identifier: RHINO
Real Name: Rhino
Mass: 18000.0
Dimensions of X: 3.5
Dimensions of Y: 8.0
Dimensions of Z: 3.8
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 90
Traction Multiplier: 0.75
Traction Loss: 0.8
Traction Bias: 0.5
Transmission: Number of Gears: 4
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 80.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 8.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: D
Brake Deceleration: 8.17
Brake Bias: 0.50
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 20.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.8
Suspension Damping Level: 0.05
Seat Offset Distance: 1.12
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.09
Monetary Value: 110000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.35
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.10
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Flags: REV_BONNET, NEUTRALHANDLING, HAS_NO_ROOF
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1


Vehicle Identifier: BARRACKS
Real Name: Barracks
Mass: 10500.0
Dimensions of X: 3.3
Dimensions of Y: 7.7
Dimensions of Z: 4.2
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 90
Traction Multiplier: 0.85
Traction Loss: 0.7
Traction Bias: 0.47
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 180.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 12.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: D
Brake Deceleration: 10.00
Brake Bias: 0.45
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 27.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.2
Suspension Damping Level: 0.05
Seat Offset Distance: 0.62
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.26
Monetary Value: 10000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.47
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.17
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Flags: 2G_BOOST, REV_BONNET, TAILGATE_BOOT, HAS_NO_ROOF
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1


Vehicle Identifier: HELI
Real Name: Maverick (Can anyone confirm?)
Mass: 25500.0
Dimensions of X: 2.5
Dimensions of Y: 7.7
Dimensions of Z: 2.9
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 85
Traction Multiplier: 0.58
Traction Loss: 0.7
Traction Bias: 0.46
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 140.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 24.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: D
Brake Deceleration: 10.00
Brake Bias: 0.45
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 27.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.2
Suspension Damping Level: 0.05
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 1.00
Monetary Value: 10000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.47
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.17
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: 2G_BOOST


Vehicle Identifier: COACH
Real Name: Coach
Mass: 9500.0
Dimensions of X: 2.9
Dimensions of Y: 8.0
Dimensions of Z: 3.6
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 90
Traction Multiplier: 0.65
Traction Loss: 0.85
Traction Bias: 0.35
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 150.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 13.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: D
Brake Deceleration: 5.7
Brake Bias: 0.35
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.5
Suspension Damping Level: 0.04
Seat Offset Distance: 0.45
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.48
Monetary Value: 20000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.45
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.25
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, NOSWING_BOOT


Vehicle Identifier: CABBIE
Real Name: Cabbie
Mass: 1750.0
Dimensions of X: 2.2
Dimensions of Y: 5.0
Dimensions of Z: 2.3
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.1
Center of Mass (Z): 0.05
Percent Submerged: 75
Traction Multiplier: 1.05
Traction Loss: 0.85
Traction Bias: 0.54
Transmission: Number of Gears: 4
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 160.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 22.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 7.0
Brake Bias: 0.44
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 40.0
Suspension Force Level: 2.4
Suspension Damping Level: 0.09
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.40
Monetary Value: 10000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.25
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.15
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.5
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: 2G_BOOST


Vehicle Identifier: STALLION
Real Name: Stallion
Mass: 1600.0
Dimensions of X: 2.1
Dimensions of Y: 5.0
Dimensions of Z: 1.8
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.1
Percent Submerged: 70
Traction Multiplier: 0.80
Traction Loss: 0.75
Traction Bias: 0.55
Transmission: Number of Gears: 4
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 160.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 23.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 8.17
Brake Bias: 0.52
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 35.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.5
Suspension Damping Level: 0.1
Seat Offset Distance: 0.3
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.64
Monetary Value: 19000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.30
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.2
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: 2G_BOOST, NO_DOORS, IS_LOW, NEUTRALHANDLING


Vehicle Identifier: RUMPO
Real Name: Rumpo
Mass: 2000.0
Dimensions of X: 2.1
Dimensions of Y: 5.0
Dimensions of Z: 2.1
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): -0.1
Percent Submerged: 85
Traction Multiplier: 1.0
Traction Loss: 0.75
Traction Bias: 0.48
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 160.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 18.0
Transmission: Drive Type: F
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 5.5
Brake Bias: 0.45
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.4
Suspension Damping Level: 0.05
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.60
Monetary Value: 26000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.33
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.21
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: 2G_BOOST, IS_VAN


Vehicle Identifier: RCBANDIT
Real Name: RC Bandit
Mass: 100.0
Dimensions of X: 0.8
Dimensions of Y: 1.5
Dimensions of Z: 1.0
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.05
Center of Mass (Z): -0.1
Percent Submerged: 70
Traction Multiplier: 1.10
Traction Loss: 0.75
Traction Bias: 0.49
Transmission: Number of Gears: 1
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 75.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 35.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: E
Brake Deceleration: 5.5
Brake Bias: 0.50
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 25.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.6
Suspension Damping Level: 0.1
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.05
Monetary Value: 500
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.28
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.08
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Flags: None
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1


Vehicle Identifier: FLATBED
Real Name: Flatbed
Mass: 8500.0
Dimensions of X: 3.1
Dimensions of Y: 7.7
Dimensions of Z: 4.1
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.3
Percent Submerged: 90
Traction Multiplier: 0.88
Traction Loss: 0.7
Traction Bias: 0.46
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 150.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 10.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: D
Brake Deceleration: 10.00
Brake Bias: 0.45
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 27.0
Suspension Force Level: 2.1
Suspension Damping Level: 0.05
Seat Offset Distance: 0.62
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.43
Monetary Value: 10000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.47
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.11
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: 2G_BOOST, TAILGATE_BOOT, HAS_NO_ROOF


Vehicle Identifier: YANKEE
Real Name: Yankee
Mass: 4500.0
Dimensions of X: 2.4
Dimensions of Y: 6.5
Dimensions of Z: 3.8
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 80
Traction Multiplier: 0.75
Traction Loss: 0.70
Traction Bias: 0.5
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 160.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 14.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: D
Brake Deceleration: 4.5
Brake Bias: 0.80
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.8
Suspension Damping Level: 0.12
Seat Offset Distance: 0.6
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.45
Monetary Value: 22000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.30
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.25
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: REV_BONNET, IS_BUS, NEUTRALHANDLING, HAS_NO_ROOF


Vehicle Identifier: GOLFCART
Real Name: Caddie
Mass: 1000.0
Dimensions of X: 2.0
Dimensions of Y: 3.5
Dimensions of Z: 2.8
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): -0.2
Percent Submerged: 70
Traction Multiplier: 1.00
Traction Loss: 0.85
Traction Bias: 0.5
Transmission: Number of Gears: 1
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 160.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 19.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: E
Brake Deceleration: 13.0
Brake Bias: 0.50
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 2.0
Suspension Damping Level: 0.09
Seat Offset Distance: 0.26
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.50
Monetary Value: 9000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.25
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.10
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: 1G_BOOST, HALOGEN_LIGHTS, IS_BIKE


Vehicle Identifier: VOODOO
Real Name: Voodoo
Mass: 1800.0
Dimensions of X: 2.1
Dimensions of Y: 5.0
Dimensions of Z: 1.8
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): -0.1
Center of Mass (Z): -0.2
Percent Submerged: 70
Traction Multiplier: 0.95
Traction Loss: 0.80
Traction Bias: 0.45
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 160.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 23.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 6.50
Brake Bias: 0.50
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.6
Suspension Damping Level: 0.05
Seat Offset Distance: 0.36
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.41
Monetary Value: 30000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.30
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.28
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.6
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, HAS_NO_ROOF


Vehicle Identifier: WASHING
Real Name: Washington
Mass: 1850.0
Dimensions of X: 2.0
Dimensions of Y: 4.9
Dimensions of Z: 2.0
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.1
Percent Submerged: 75
Traction Multiplier: 0.85
Traction Loss: 0.65
Traction Bias: 0.51
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 180.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 21.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 7.5
Brake Bias: 0.65
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.0
Suspension Damping Level: 1.20
Seat Offset Distance: 0.24
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.60
Monetary Value: 18000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.27
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.25
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.35
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, NO_DOORS, NEUTRALHANDLING


Vehicle Identifier: CUBAN
Real Name: Cuban Hermes
Mass: 2150.0
Dimensions of X: 2.1
Dimensions of Y: 5.0
Dimensions of Z: 2.2
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.2
Percent Submerged: 75
Traction Multiplier: 0.75
Traction Loss: 0.75
Traction Bias: 0.53
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 160.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 25.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 6.0
Brake Bias: 0.54
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 40.0
Suspension Force Level: 0.8
Suspension Damping Level: 0.08
Seat Offset Distance: 0.26
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.55
Monetary Value: 10000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.25
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.26
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.45
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: 1G_BOOST, TAILGATE_BOOT


Vehicle Identifier: ROMERO
Real Name: Romero's Hearse
Mass: 2500.0
Dimensions of X: 1.9
Dimensions of Y: 5.0
Dimensions of Z: 1.4
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.25
Percent Submerged: 70
Traction Multiplier: 0.95
Traction Loss: 0.80
Traction Bias: 0.53
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 150.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 14.0
Transmission: Drive Type: F
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 04.17
Brake Bias: 0.80
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.4
Suspension Damping Level: 0.1
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 1.25
Monetary Value: 10000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.37
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.17
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: 2G_BOOST, HANGING_BOOT


Vehicle Identifier: PACKER
Real Name: Packer
Mass: 8000.0
Dimensions of X: 2.9
Dimensions of Y: 8.0
Dimensions of Z: 3.6
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 90
Traction Multiplier: 0.65
Traction Loss: 0.85
Traction Bias: 0.35
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 150.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 13.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: D
Brake Deceleration: 5.7
Brake Bias: 0.35
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.5
Suspension Damping Level: 0.04
Seat Offset Distance: 0.56
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.40
Monetary Value: 20000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.45
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.25
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: HANGING_BOOT


Vehicle Identifier: ADMIRAL
Real Name: Admiral
Mass: 1650.0
Dimensions of X: 2.0
Dimensions of Y: 4.9
Dimensions of Z: 1.5
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): -0.05
Percent Submerged: 75
Traction Multiplier: 0.85
Traction Loss: 0.80
Traction Bias: 0.51
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 165.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 22.0
Transmission: Drive Type: F
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 8.5
Brake Bias: 0.52
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.2
Suspension Damping Level: 0.15
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.56
Monetary Value: 35000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.27
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.19
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.55
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, HAS_NO_ROOF


Vehicle Identifier: GANGBUR
Real Name: Gang Burrito
Mass: 2000.0
Dimensions of X: 2.1
Dimensions of Y: 5.0
Dimensions of Z: 2.3
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.1
Center of Mass (Z): -0.25
Percent Submerged: 85
Traction Multiplier: 0.95
Traction Loss: 0.85
Traction Bias: 0.52
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 150.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 27.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 10.5
Brake Bias: 0.45
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.4
Suspension Damping Level: 0.14
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.50
Monetary Value: 26000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.33
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.21
Suspension: Bias: 0.4
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.5
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, NO_DOORS, TAILGATE_BOOT, NEUTRALHANDLING,
HAS_NO_ROOF


Vehicle Identifier: ZEBRA
Real Name: Zebra Cab
Mass: 2250.0
Dimensions of X: 2.2
Dimensions of Y: 5.0
Dimensions of Z: 2.3
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.1
Center of Mass (Z): -0.2
Percent Submerged: 75
Traction Multiplier: 1.00
Traction Loss: 0.80
Traction Bias: 0.52
Transmission: Number of Gears: 4
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 160.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 26.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 9.0
Brake Bias: 0.48
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 40.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.9
Suspension Damping Level: 0.11
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.18
Monetary Value: 10000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.25
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.17
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.5
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: 1G_BOOST, HALOGEN_LIGHTS, NARROW_FRONTW


Vehicle Identifier: TOPFUN
Real Name: TOP FUN
Mass: 1900.0
Dimensions of X: 2.0
Dimensions of Y: 6.0
Dimensions of Z: 2.6
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.1
Percent Submerged: 80
Traction Multiplier: 0.85
Traction Loss: 0.70
Traction Bias: 0.46
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 160.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 15.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: D
Brake Deceleration: 6.0
Brake Bias: 0.80
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 2.2
Suspension Damping Level: 0.07
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.43
Monetary Value: 20000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.35
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.15
Suspension: Bias: 0.4
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 3
Flags: 2G_BOOST, IS_VAN


Vehicle Identifier: GLENDALE
Real Name: Glendale
Mass: 1600.0
Dimensions of X: 1.9
Dimensions of Y: 5.0
Dimensions of Z: 1.7
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.4
Percent Submerged: 75
Traction Multiplier: 0.75
Traction Loss: 0.70
Traction Bias: 0.52
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 160.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 16.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 6.2
Brake Bias: 0.55
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.0
Suspension Damping Level: 0.1
Seat Offset Distance: 0.28
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.40
Monetary Value: 20000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.35
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.17
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.5
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: 2G_BOOST, REARWHEEL_1ST


Vehicle Identifier: OCEANIC
Real Name: Oceanic
Mass: 1900.0
Dimensions of X: 1.9
Dimensions of Y: 5.0
Dimensions of Z: 1.7
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.4
Percent Submerged: 75
Traction Multiplier: 0.85
Traction Loss: 0.70
Traction Bias: 0.52
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 160.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 16.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 5.0
Brake Bias: 0.50
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.0
Suspension Damping Level: 0.1
Seat Offset Distance: 0.28
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.45
Monetary Value: 20000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.35
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.17
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.5
Front Light Type: 2
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: 2G_BOOST, REARWHEEL_1ST


Vehicle Identifier: HERMES
Real Name: Hermes
Mass: 1950.0
Dimensions of X: 2.0
Dimensions of Y: 5.0
Dimensions of Z: 2.0
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 70
Traction Multiplier: 0.70
Traction Loss: 0.75
Traction Bias: 0.51
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 160.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 18.0
Transmission: Drive Type: F
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 3.5
Brake Bias: 0.60
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 28.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.0
Suspension Damping Level: 0.05
Seat Offset Distance: 0.36
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.42
Monetary Value: 19000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.35
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.20
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 3
Flags: 1G_BOOST, DBL_EXHAUST


Vehicle Identifier: SABRE1
Real Name: Sabre
Mass: 1700.0
Dimensions of X: 2.1
Dimensions of Y: 5.0
Dimensions of Z: 1.9
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.1
Center of Mass (Z): 0.1
Percent Submerged: 70
Traction Multiplier: 1.00
Traction Loss: 0.84
Traction Bias: 0.53
Transmission: Number of Gears: 4
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 160.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 24.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 8.17
Brake Bias: 0.52
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 35.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.5
Suspension Damping Level: 0.10
Seat Offset Distance: 0.3
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.52
Monetary Value: 19000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.30
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.15
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.25
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, DBL_EXHAUST


Vehicle Identifier: SABRETUR
Real Name: Sabre Turbo
Mass: 1800.0
Dimensions of X: 2.1
Dimensions of Y: 4.5
Dimensions of Z: 2.1
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.2
Center of Mass (Z): 0.1
Percent Submerged: 70
Traction Multiplier: 1.05
Traction Loss: 0.84
Traction Bias: 0.52
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 180.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 32.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 6.1
Brake Bias: 0.52	0
ABS: 33.0
Steering Lock: 1.3
Suspension Force Level: 0.10
Suspension Damping Level: 0.3
Seat Offset Distance: 0.55
Collision Damage Multiplier: 45000
Monetary Value: 0.30
Suspension: Upper Limit: -0.20
Suspension: Lower Limit: 0.5
Suspension: Bias: 0.40
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 3009901
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: 1G_BOOST


Vehicle Identifier: PHOENIX
Real Name: Phoenix
Mass: 1400.0
Dimensions of X: 2.3
Dimensions of Y: 4.5
Dimensions of Z: 1.6
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.2
Center of Mass (Z): -0.25
Percent Submerged: 70
Traction Multiplier: 1.00
Traction Loss: 0.80
Traction Bias: 0.53
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 200.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 28.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 11.1
Brake Bias: 0.52	0
ABS: 30.0
Steering Lock: 1.4
Suspension Force Level: 0.10
Suspension Damping Level: 0.34
Seat Offset Distance: 0.60
Collision Damage Multiplier: 45000
Monetary Value: 0.31
Suspension: Upper Limit: -0.25
Suspension: Lower Limit: 0.5
Suspension: Bias: 0.3
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 208101
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: 1G_BOOST


Vehicle Identifier: WALTON
Real Name: Walton
Mass: 1850.0
Dimensions of X: 2.1
Dimensions of Y: 5.0
Dimensions of Z: 2.1
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 75
Traction Multiplier: 0.80
Traction Loss: 0.69
Traction Bias: 0.5
Transmission: Number of Gears: 4
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 150.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 14.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: D
Brake Deceleration: 6.5
Brake Bias: 0.5
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 35.0
Suspension Force Level: 2.0
Suspension Damping Level: 0.12
Seat Offset Distance: 0.26
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.19
Monetary Value: 26000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.35
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.18
Suspension: Bias: 0.4
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: 2G_BOOST, HANGING_BOOT, TAILGATE_BOOT


Vehicle Identifier: REGINA
Real Name: Regina
Mass: 1500.0
Dimensions of X: 1.9
Dimensions of Y: 4.9
Dimensions of Z: 1.7
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.15
Percent Submerged: 75
Traction Multiplier: 0.80
Traction Loss: 0.85
Traction Bias: 0.52
Transmission: Number of Gears: 4
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 165.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 16.0
Transmission: Drive Type: F
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 5.0
Brake Bias: 0.60
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.2
Suspension Damping Level: 0.1
Seat Offset Distance: 0.24
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.48
Monetary Value: 18000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.27
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.17
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.2
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: 1G_BOOST, HANGING_BOOT


Vehicle Identifier: COMET
Real Name: Comet
Mass: 1400.0
Dimensions of X: 1.9
Dimensions of Y: 4.7
Dimensions of Z: 1.6
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.1
Center of Mass (Z): -0.3
Percent Submerged: 75
Traction Multiplier: 1.10
Traction Loss: 0.9
Traction Bias: 0.5
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 200.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 28.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 11.0
Brake Bias: 0.45
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 2.0
Suspension Damping Level: 0.15
Seat Offset Distance: 0.25
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.60
Monetary Value: 35000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.28
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.16
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.3
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: 2G_BOOST, NO_DOORS, NEUTRALHANDLING, HAS_NO_ROOF


Vehicle Identifier: DELUXO
Real Name: Deluxo
Mass: 1600.0
Dimensions of X: 2.2
Dimensions of Y: 4.9
Dimensions of Z: 1.7
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.2
Percent Submerged: 75
Traction Multiplier: 0.80
Traction Loss: 0.85
Traction Bias: 0.52
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 200.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 26.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 10.0
Brake Bias: 0.53
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 2.25
Suspension Damping Level: 0.16
Seat Offset Distance: 0.28
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.52
Monetary Value: 35000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.27
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.16
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.35
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, NO_DOORS, NONPLAYER_STABILISER, HAS_NO_ROOF


Vehicle Identifier: BURRITO
Real Name: Burrito
Mass: 1900.0
Dimensions of X: 2.3
Dimensions of Y: 5.0
Dimensions of Z: 2.3
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.2
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 85
Traction Multiplier: 0.97
Traction Loss: 0.77
Traction Bias: 0.51
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 150.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 25.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 8.5
Brake Bias: 0.45
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.3
Suspension Damping Level: 0.08
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.50
Monetary Value: 26000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.33
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.25
Suspension: Bias: 0.4
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.5
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, TAILGATE_BOOT, NEUTRALHANDLING


Vehicle Identifier: SPAND
Real Name: Spand Express
Mass: 2400.0
Dimensions of X: 2.2
Dimensions of Y: 5.5
Dimensions of Z: 2.5
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.1
Percent Submerged: 85
Traction Multiplier: 0.9
Traction Loss: 0.8
Traction Bias: 0.47
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 150.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 15.0
Transmission: Drive Type: F
Transmission: Engine Type: D
Brake Deceleration: 5.5
Brake Bias: 0.6
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.4
Suspension Damping Level: 0.1
Seat Offset Distance: 0.40
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.90
Monetary Value: 16000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.35
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.15
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 3
Flags: REV_BONNET, TAILGATE_BOOT


Vehicle Identifier: BAGGAGE
Real Name: Baggage Handler
Mass: 1000.0
Dimensions of X: 2.0
Dimensions of Y: 3.5
Dimensions of Z: 2.8
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): -0.2
Percent Submerged: 70
Traction Multiplier: 1.00
Traction Loss: 0.85
Traction Bias: 0.5
Transmission: Number of Gears: 1
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 160.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 14.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: E
Brake Deceleration: 13.0
Brake Bias: 0.50
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 2.0
Suspension Damping Level: 0.09
Seat Offset Distance: 0.26
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.50
Monetary Value: 9000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.25
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.10
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: 1G_BOOST, HALOGEN_LIGHTS, IS_BIKE


Vehicle Identifier: KAUFMAN
Real Name: Kaufman Taxi
Mass: 1650.0
Dimensions of X: 2.1
Dimensions of Y: 5.0
Dimensions of Z: 2.2
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.1
Center of Mass (Z): -0.1
Percent Submerged: 75
Traction Multiplier: 1.00
Traction Loss: 0.89
Traction Bias: 0.52
Transmission: Number of Gears: 4
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 160.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 24.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 7.0
Brake Bias: 0.47
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 40.0
Suspension Force Level: 2.0
Suspension Damping Level: 0.11
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.32
Monetary Value: 10000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.25
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.18
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.4
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: 2G_BOOST


Vehicle Identifier: RANCHER
Real Name: Rancher
Mass: 2500.0
Dimensions of X: 2.5
Dimensions of Y: 5.5
Dimensions of Z: 2.6
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): -0.15
Percent Submerged: 80
Traction Multiplier: 0.92
Traction Loss: 0.78
Traction Bias: 0.5
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 170.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 20.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 7.0
Brake Bias: 0.45
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 35.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.1
Suspension Damping Level: 0.1
Seat Offset Distance: 0.44
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.35
Monetary Value: 40000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.45
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.21
Suspension: Bias: 0.45
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.3
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: REV_BONNET, IS_LOW, NEUTRALHANDLING, HAS_NO_ROOF, HALOGEN_LIGHTS


Vehicle Identifier: FBIRANCH
Real Name: Fbi Rancher
Mass: 3500.0
Dimensions of X: 2.4
Dimensions of Y: 5.7
Dimensions of Z: 2.5
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): -0.1
Percent Submerged: 80
Traction Multiplier: 0.92
Traction Loss: 0.78
Traction Bias: 0.5
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 170.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 22.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 8.5
Brake Bias: 0.50
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.1
Suspension Damping Level: 0.20
Seat Offset Distance: 0.44
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.30
Monetary Value: 40000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.34
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.08
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.5
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: REV_BONNET, HANGING_BOOT, NEUTRALHANDLING, HAS_NO_ROOF,
HALOGEN_LIGHTS


Vehicle Identifier: VIRGO
Real Name: Virgo
Mass: 1700.0
Dimensions of X: 2.0
Dimensions of Y: 4.5
Dimensions of Z: 1.5
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.1
Percent Submerged: 70
Traction Multiplier: 1.00
Traction Loss: 0.86
Traction Bias: 0.5
Transmission: Number of Gears: 4
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 160.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 15.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 7.0
Brake Bias: 0.50
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 32.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.5
Suspension Damping Level: 0.08
Seat Offset Distance: 0.26
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.85
Monetary Value: 9000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.31
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.15
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 0
Flags: 1G_BOOST, TAILGATE_BOOT


Vehicle Identifier: GREENWOO
Real Name: Greenwood
Mass: 1800.0
Dimensions of X: 2.0
Dimensions of Y: 5.0
Dimensions of Z: 1.7
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 70
Traction Multiplier: 0.90
Traction Loss: 0.8
Traction Bias: 0.52
Transmission: Number of Gears: 4
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 160.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 15.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 5.4
Brake Bias: 0.60
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.2
Suspension Damping Level: 0.09
Seat Offset Distance: 0.26
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.54
Monetary Value: 19000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.32
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.16
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 3
Flags: 2G_BOOST


Vehicle Identifier: HOTRING
Real Name: Hotring Racer
Mass: 1600.0
Dimensions of X: 2.3
Dimensions of Y: 4.5
Dimensions of Z: 1.3
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.2
Center of Mass (Z): -0.35
Percent Submerged: 70
Traction Multiplier: 1.15
Traction Loss: 0.89
Traction Bias: 0.51
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 220.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 36.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 10.0
Brake Bias: 0.52	0
ABS: 30.0
Steering Lock: 1.9
Suspension Force Level: 0.13
Suspension Damping Level: 0.40
Seat Offset Distance: 0.56
Collision Damage Multiplier: 45000
Monetary Value: 0.29
Suspension: Upper Limit: -0.16
Suspension: Lower Limit: 0.5
Suspension: Bias: 0.6
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 208182
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 3
Flags: 1G_BOOST


Vehicle Identifier: SANDKING
Real Name: Sandking
Mass: 2000.0
Dimensions of X: 2.4
Dimensions of Y: 5.7
Dimensions of Z: 2.2
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): -0.15
Percent Submerged: 80
Traction Multiplier: 0.92
Traction Loss: 0.78
Traction Bias: 0.5
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 170.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 25.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 08.17
Brake Bias: 0.50
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.8
Suspension Damping Level: 0.15
Seat Offset Distance: 0.38
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.35
Monetary Value: 40000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.35
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.31
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: REV_BONNET, IS_BIG, FAT_REARW, NARROW_FRONTW


Vehicle Identifier: BLISTAC
Real Name: Blista Compact
Mass: 1000.0
Dimensions of X: 1.9
Dimensions of Y: 4.7
Dimensions of Z: 1.5
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): -0.30
Percent Submerged: 50
Traction Multiplier: 1.2
Traction Loss: 0.85
Traction Bias: 0.5
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 200.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 30.0
Transmission: Drive Type: F
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 11.0
Brake Bias: 0.45
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 2.6
Suspension Damping Level: 0.1
Seat Offset Distance: 0.45
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.50
Monetary Value: 35000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.28
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.14
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: 2G_BOOST, NONPLAYER_STABILISER, REARWHEEL_1ST


Vehicle Identifier: BOXVILLE
Real Name: Boxville
Mass: 5500.0
Dimensions of X: 3.0
Dimensions of Y: 6.5
Dimensions of Z: 3.8
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.3
Percent Submerged: 80
Traction Multiplier: 0.82
Traction Loss: 0.70
Traction Bias: 0.46
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 140.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 14.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: D
Brake Deceleration: 4.5
Brake Bias: 0.60
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 0.9
Suspension Damping Level: 0.08
Seat Offset Distance: 0.46
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.40
Monetary Value: 22000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.25
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.28
Suspension: Bias: 0.4
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.6
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 3
Flags: 2G_BOOST, IS_BIG, REARWHEEL_1ST, NARROW_FRONTW


Vehicle Identifier: BENSON
Real Name: Benson
Mass: 3500.0
Dimensions of X: 2.3
Dimensions of Y: 6.5
Dimensions of Z: 3.3
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.1
Percent Submerged: 80
Traction Multiplier: 0.82
Traction Loss: 0.70
Traction Bias: 0.46
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 140.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 15.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: D
Brake Deceleration: 4.5
Brake Bias: 0.60
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 2.5
Suspension Damping Level: 0.11
Seat Offset Distance: 0.46
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.53
Monetary Value: 22000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.30
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.15
Suspension: Bias: 0.35
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 3
Flags: REV_BONNET, IS_BUS, HAS_NO_ROOF


Vehicle Identifier: DESPERAD
Real Name: Desperado
Mass: 1300.0
Dimensions of X: 2.0
Dimensions of Y: 3.5
Dimensions of Z: 2.2
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): -0.3
Percent Submerged: 85
Traction Multiplier: 0.95
Traction Loss: 0.85
Traction Bias: 0.51
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 160.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 23.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: D
Brake Deceleration: 6.2
Brake Bias: 0.60
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 35.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.6
Suspension Damping Level: 0.07
Seat Offset Distance: 0.18
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.30
Monetary Value: 25000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.32
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.15
Suspension: Bias: 0.35
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.4
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: 2G_BOOST, IS_VAN, NEUTRALHANDLING, HAS_NO_ROOF


Vehicle Identifier: LOVEFIST
Real Name: Love Fist
Mass: 2700.0
Dimensions of X: 2.0
Dimensions of Y: 7.3
Dimensions of Z: 1.6
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.1
Center of Mass (Z): -0.1
Percent Submerged: 75
Traction Multiplier: 0.91
Traction Loss: 0.70
Traction Bias: 0.51
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 180.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 15.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 10.0
Brake Bias: 0.40
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.2
Suspension Damping Level: 0.09
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.47
Monetary Value: 40000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.35
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.15
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, NO_DOORS, HAS_NO_ROOF


Vehicle Identifier: BLOODRA
Real Name: Bloodring Racer
Mass: 2100.0
Dimensions of X: 2.1
Dimensions of Y: 5.0
Dimensions of Z: 2.3
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.1
Percent Submerged: 75
Traction Multiplier: 0.80
Traction Loss: 0.70
Traction Bias: 0.52
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 160.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 24.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 6.2
Brake Bias: 0.55
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 35.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.2
Suspension Damping Level: 0.03
Seat Offset Distance: 0.28
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.30
Monetary Value: 500
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.35
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.24
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: 1G_BOOST, 2G_BOOST, IS_VAN, FAT_REARW, NARROW_FRONTW


Vehicle Identifier: BLOODRB
Real Name: Unknown??
Mass: 1600.0
Dimensions of X: 2.0
Dimensions of Y: 5.0
Dimensions of Z: 2.0
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.1
Percent Submerged: 75
Traction Multiplier: 0.90
Traction Loss: 0.70
Traction Bias: 0.52
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 160.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 26.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 6.2
Brake Bias: 0.55
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 35.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.0
Suspension Damping Level: 0.06
Seat Offset Distance: 0.28
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.30
Monetary Value: 500
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.35
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.17
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: 1G_BOOST, 2G_BOOST, IS_VAN, FAT_REARW, NARROW_FRONTW


Motorcycles
-----------

Vehicle Identifier: BIKE
Real Name: PCJ 600
Mass: 500.0
Dimensions of X: 0.8
Dimensions of Y: 1.8
Dimensions of Z: 1.2
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.05
Center of Mass (Z): -0.09
Percent Submerged: 103
Traction Multiplier: 1.6
Traction Loss: 0.9
Traction Bias: 0.48
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 190.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 50.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 15.0
Brake Bias: 0.50
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 35.0
Suspension Force Level: 0.85
Suspension Damping Level: 0.15
Seat Offset Distance: 0.3
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.15
Monetary Value: 10000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.15
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.16
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: 1G_BOOST, DBL_EXHAUST, IS_HELI


Vehicle Identifier: MOPED
Real Name: Faggio
Mass: 350.0
Dimensions of X: 1.1
Dimensions of Y: 1.7
Dimensions of Z: 1.2
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): -0.1
Percent Submerged: 103
Traction Multiplier: 2.0
Traction Loss: 0.9
Traction Bias: 0.49
Transmission: Number of Gears: 3
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 190.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 30.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 14.0
Brake Bias: 0.50
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 35.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.0
Suspension Damping Level: 0.15
Seat Offset Distance: 0.1
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.11
Monetary Value: 10000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.12
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.17
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: 1G_BOOST, IS_BIKE, IS_HELI


Vehicle Identifier: DIRTBIKE
Real Name: Sanchez
Mass: 500.0
Dimensions of X: 1.2
Dimensions of Y: 1.8
Dimensions of Z: 1.5
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.05
Center of Mass (Z): -0.09
Percent Submerged: 103
Traction Multiplier: 1.6
Traction Loss: 0.9
Traction Bias: 0.48
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 190.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 50.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 19.0
Brake Bias: 0.50
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 35.0
Suspension Force Level: 0.85
Suspension Damping Level: 0.15
Seat Offset Distance: 0.3
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.15
Monetary Value: 10000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.15
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.16
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: 1G_BOOST, IS_BIKE, IS_HELI


Vehicle Identifier: ANGEL
Real Name: Angel
Mass: 800.0
Dimensions of X: 1.2
Dimensions of Y: 2.2
Dimensions of Z: 1.5
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.15
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 103
Traction Multiplier: 1.2
Traction Loss: 0.86
Traction Bias: 0.52
Transmission: Number of Gears: 4
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 190.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 45.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 12.0
Brake Bias: 0.55
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 35.0
Suspension Force Level: 0.65
Suspension Damping Level: 0.20
Seat Offset Distance: 0.3
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.24
Monetary Value: 10000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.09
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.11
Suspension: Bias: 0.55
Suspension Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: 1G_BOOST, DBL_EXHAUST, IS_BIKE, IS_HELI


Vehicle Identifier: FREEWAY
Real Name: Freeway
Mass: 800.0
Dimensions of X: 1.1
Dimensions of Y: 2.2
Dimensions of Z: 1.5
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.1
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 103
Traction Multiplier: 1.2
Traction Loss: 0.82
Traction Bias: 0.51
Transmission: Number of Gears: 4
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 190.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 40.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 10.0
Brake Bias: 0.55
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 35.0
Suspension Force Level: 0.65
Suspension Damping Level: 0.20
Seat Offset Distance: 0.3
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.24
Monetary Value: 10000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.09
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.11
Suspension: Bias: 0.55
Suspension: Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 1
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: 1G_BOOST, DBL_EXHAUST, IS_BIKE, IS_HELI


Boats
-----
For boats there are a couple different statistics that are used only
for boats.  You will see them throughout the boats, and if you have any
questions on what they mean, e-mail me and I will answer your
questions.

Vehicle Identifier: PREDATOR
Real Name: Predator
Mass: 2200.0
Dimensions of X: 4.0
Dimensions of Y: 12.0
Dimensions of Z: 3.0
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 14
Bank Force Multiplier: 2.30
Rudder Turn Force: 15.0
Speed Steer Falloff: 0.58
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 190.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 1.7
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Vertical Wave Hit Limit: 0.05
Forward Wave Hit Brake: 0.01
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 24.0
Water Resistance Volume Multiplier: 1.0
Water Damping Multiplier: 3.0
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.33
Monetary Value: 40000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.10
Handbrake Drag Multiplier: 0.1
Sideslip Force: 0.0
Suspension Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, IS_PLANE


Vehicle Identifier: SPEEDER
Real Name: Speeder
Mass: 2200.0
Dimensions of X: 3.2
Dimensions of Y: 10.0
Dimensions of Z: 2.2
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 22
Bank Force Multiplier: 2.5
Rudder Turn Force: 15.0
Speed Steer Falloff: 0.65
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 190.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 2.5
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Vertical Wave Hit Limit: 0.04
Forward Wave Hit Brake: 0.01
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 20.0
Water Resistance Volume Multiplier: 1.3
Water Damping Multiplier: 3.0
Seat Offset Distance: 0.7
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.39
Monetary Value: 30000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.10
Handbrake Drag Multiplier: 0.5
Sideslip Force: 2.0
Suspension Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, IS_LOW, HANDBRAKE_TYRE


Vehicle Identifier: REEFER
Real Name: Reefer
Mass: 5000.0
Dimensions of X: 3.5
Dimensions of Y: 7.0
Dimensions of Z: 4.0
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 15
Bank Force Multiplier: -1.50
Rudder Turn Force: 15.0
Speed Steer Falloff: 0.45
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 190.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 0.7
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Vertical Wave Hit Limit: 0.02
Forward Wave Hit Brake: 0.02
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 25.0
Water Resistance Volume Multiplier: 1.0
Water Damping Multiplier: 3.0
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.38
Monetary Value: 25000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.10
Handbrake Drag Multiplier: 0.1
Sideslip Force: 0.0
Suspension Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, IS_PLANE


Vehicle Identifier: RIO
Real Name: Rio
Mass: 3000.0
Dimensions of X: 4.5
Dimensions of Y: 7.0
Dimensions of Z: 4.0
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 15
Bank Force Multiplier: -4.00
Rudder Turn Force: 25.0
Speed Steer Falloff: 0.50
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 190.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 0.5
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Vertical Wave Hit Limit: 0.02
Forward Wave Hit Brake: 0.00
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 20.0
Water Resistance Volume Multiplier: 1.0
Water Damping Multiplier: 3.0
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.23
Monetary Value: 70000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 15.00
Handbrake Drag Multiplier: 0.1
Sideslip Force: 0.0
Suspension Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, IS_PLANE


Vehicle Identifier: SQUALO
Real Name: Squalo
Mass: 2200.0
Dimensions of X: 4.0
Dimensions of Y: 12.0
Dimensions of Z: 3.0
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 42
Bank Force Multiplier: 3.00
Rudder Turn Force: 15.0
Speed Steer Falloff: 0.65
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 190.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 3.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Vertical Wave Hit Limit: 0.02
Forward Wave Hit Brake: 0.00
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 24.0
Water Resistance Volume Multiplier: 0.45
Water Damping Multiplier: 5.0
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.33
Monetary Value: 60000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.10
Handbrake Drag Multiplier: 0.05
Sideslip Force: 0.0
Suspension Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, IS_LOW, HANDBRAKE_TYRE


Vehicle Identifier: TROPIC
Real Name: Tropic
Mass: 2200.0
Dimensions of X: 4.0
Dimensions of Y: 12.0
Dimensions of Z: 3.0
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 10
Bank Force Multiplier: 2.20
Rudder Turn Force: 12.0
Speed Steer Falloff: 0.45
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 190.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 1.4
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Vertical Wave Hit Limit: 0.05
Forward Wave Hit Brake: 0.01
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 24.0
Water Resistance Volume Multiplier: 1.8
Water Damping Multiplier: 3.0
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.33
Monetary Value: 73000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.10
Handbrake Drag Multiplier: 0.1
Sideslip Force: 0.0
Suspension Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, IS_LOW, HANDBRAKE_TYRE


Vehicle Identifier: COASTGRD
Real Name: Coastguard
Mass: 1200.0
Dimensions of X: 3.0
Dimensions of Y: 7.5
Dimensions of Z: 2.0
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): -0.3
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 14
Bank Force Multiplier: 2.00
Rudder Turn Force: 4.2
Speed Steer Falloff: 0.70
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 190.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 1.6
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Vertical Wave Hit Limit: 0.05
Forward Wave Hit Brake: 0.01
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 24.0
Water Resistance Volume Multiplier: 1.0
Water Damping Multiplier: 3.0
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.18
Monetary Value: 10000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 3.20
Handbrake Drag Multiplier: 0.1
Sideslip Force: 2.5
Suspension Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, IS_PLANE


Vehicle Identifier: DINGHY
Real Name: Dinghy
Mass: 800.0
Dimensions of X: 2.5
Dimensions of Y: 4.0
Dimensions of Z: 1.6
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 16
Bank Force Multiplier: 3.50
Rudder Turn Force: 3.5
Speed Steer Falloff: 1.00
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 190.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 1.2
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Vertical Wave Hit Limit: 0.07
Forward Wave Hit Brake: 0.01
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Water Resistance Volume Multiplier: 1.0
Water Damping Multiplier: 4.5
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.12
Monetary Value: 5000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 3.50
Handbrake Drag Multiplier: 0.1
Sideslip Force: 0.7
Suspension Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, IS_PLANE


Vehicle Identifier: MARQUIS
Real Name: Marquis
Mass: 5000.0
Dimensions of X: 3.5
Dimensions of Y: 19.0
Dimensions of Z: 4.0
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 10
Bank Force Multiplier: -3.50
Rudder Turn Force: 25.0
Speed Steer Falloff: 0.40
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 190.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 0.5
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Vertical Wave Hit Limit: 0.04
Forward Wave Hit Brake: 0.03
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 38.0
Water Resistance Volume Multiplier: 1.0
Water Damping Multiplier: 3.0
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.38
Monetary Value: 99000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.10
Handbrake Drag Multiplier: 0.0
Sideslip Force: 1.0
Suspension Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, IS_PLANE


Vehicle Identifier: CUPBOAT
Real Name: ?
Mass: 3000.0
Dimensions of X: 4.0
Dimensions of Y: 12.0
Dimensions of Z: 3.0
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 35
Bank Force Multiplier: 2.00
Rudder Turn Force: 15.0
Speed Steer Falloff: 0.50
Transmission: Number of Gears: 5
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 190.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 3.0
Transmission: Drive Type: R
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Vertical Wave Hit Limit: 0.02
Forward Wave Hit Brake: 0.00
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 24.0
Water Resistance Volume Multiplier: 0.75
Water Damping Multiplier: 4.0
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.45
Monetary Value: 48000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.10
Handbrake Drag Multiplier: 0.3
Sideslip Force: 1.5
Suspension Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, IS_LOW, HANDBRAKE_TYRE



Airplanes
---------

Vehicle Identifier: SEAPLANE
Real Name: ?
Mass: 5000.0
Dimensions of X: 1.0
Dimensions of Y: 10.0
Dimensions of Z: 0.8
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 5
Traction Multiplier: 0.83
Traction Loss: 25.0
Traction Bias: 0.5
Transmission: Number of Gears: 1
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 200.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 1.7
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 0.01
Brake Bias: 0.05
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 24.0
Suspension Force Level: 3.0
Suspension Damping Level: 0.75
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.50
Monetary Value: 10000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.10
Suspension: Lower Limit: 0.0
Suspension: Bias: 2.0
Suspension Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, IS_LOW, NOSWING_BOOT, GOOD_INSAND


Vehicle Identifier: SPARROW
Real Name: Sparrow
Mass: 2500.0
Dimensions of X: 2.0
Dimensions of Y: 5.0
Dimensions of Z: 2.0
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): -0.1
Percent Submerged: 75
Traction Multiplier: 0.65
Traction Loss: 0.9
Traction Bias: 0.5
Transmission: Number of Gears: 1
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 200.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 16.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 5.0
Brake Bias: 0.45
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 5.0
Suspension Damping Level: 0.1
Seat Offset Distance: 0.30
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.50
Monetary Value: 25000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.50
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.05
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, TAILGATE_BOOT, HALOGEN_LIGHTS


Vehicle Identifier: SEASPAR
Real Name: Sea Sparrow
Mass: 3000.0
Dimensions of X: 2.0
Dimensions of Y: 5.0
Dimensions of Z: 2.0
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): -0.1
Percent Submerged: 5
Traction Multiplier: 0.65
Traction Loss: 0.9
Traction Bias: 0.5
Transmission: Number of Gears: 1
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 200.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 16.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 5.0
Brake Bias: 0.45
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 5.0
Suspension Damping Level: 0.1
Seat Offset Distance: 0.30
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.60
Monetary Value: 28000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.50
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.05
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, TAILGATE_BOOT, HALOGEN_LIGHTS


Vehicle Identifier: MAVERICK
Real Name: Maverick
Mass: 5000.0
Dimensions of X: 2.5
Dimensions of Y: 8.0
Dimensions of Z: 2.5
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): -0.1
Percent Submerged: 75
Traction Multiplier: 0.65
Traction Loss: 0.9
Traction Bias: 0.5
Transmission: Number of Gears: 1
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 200.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 16.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 5.0
Brake Bias: 0.45
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 5.0
Suspension Damping Level: 0.15
Seat Offset Distance: 0.30
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.75
Monetary Value: 45000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.50
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.05
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, TAILGATE_BOOT, HALOGEN_LIGHTS


Vehicle Identifier: COASTMAV
Real Name: Coast Maverick?
Mass: 3500.0
Dimensions of X: 2.0
Dimensions of Y: 5.0
Dimensions of Z: 2.5
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): -0.1
Percent Submerged: 75
Traction Multiplier: 0.65
Traction Loss: 0.9
Traction Bias: 0.5
Transmission: Number of Gears: 1
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 200.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 16.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 5.0
Brake Bias: 0.45
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 5.0
Suspension Damping Level: 0.1
Seat Offset Distance: 0.30
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.65
Monetary Value: 50000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.50
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.05
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, TAILGATE_BOOT, HALOGEN_LIGHTS


Vehicle Identifier: POLMAV
Real Name: Police Maverick
Mass: 4500.0
Dimensions of X: 2.5
Dimensions of Y: 8.0
Dimensions of Z: 2.5
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): -0.1
Percent Submerged: 75
Traction Multiplier: 0.65
Traction Loss: 0.9
Traction Bias: 0.5
Transmission: Number of Gears: 1
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 200.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 16.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 5.0
Brake Bias: 0.45
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 5.0
Suspension Damping Level: 0.1
Seat Offset Distance: 0.30
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.65
Monetary Value: 52000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.50
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.05
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, TAILGATE_BOOT, HALOGEN_LIGHTS


Vehicle Identifier: HUNTER
Real Name: Hunter	
Mass: 10000.0
Dimensions of X: 4.0
Dimensions of Y: 10.0
Dimensions of Z: 3.0
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): 0.0
Percent Submerged: 75
Traction Multiplier: 0.65
Traction Loss: 0.9
Traction Bias: 0.5
Transmission: Number of Gears: 1
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 200.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 16.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 5.0
Brake Bias: 0.45
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 30.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.5
Suspension Damping Level: 0.1
Seat Offset Distance: 0.40
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.50
Monetary Value: 99000
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.20
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.15
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: HANGING_BOOT, TAILGATE_BOOT, HALOGEN_LIGHTS


Vehicle Identifier: RCBARON
Real Name: RC Baron
Mass: 150.0
Dimensions of X: 0.8
Dimensions of Y: 1.0
Dimensions of Z: 0.2
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): -0.1
Percent Submerged: 99
Traction Multiplier: 1.10
Traction Loss: 0.75
Traction Bias: 0.50
Transmission: Number of Gears: 1
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 75.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 35.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 5.5
Brake Bias: 0.50
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 25.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.6
Suspension Damping Level: 0.1
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.08
Monetary Value: 300
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.28
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.08
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: REV_BONNET


Vehicle Identifier: RCGOBLIN
Real Name: RC Goblin
Mass: 100.0
Dimensions of X: 0.8
Dimensions of Y: 1.5
Dimensions of Z: 1.0
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): -0.1
Percent Submerged: 70
Traction Multiplier: 1.10
Traction Loss: 0.75
Traction Bias: 0.50
Transmission: Number of Gears: 1
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 75.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 35.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: P
Brake Deceleration: 5.5
Brake Bias: 0.50
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 25.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.6
Suspension Damping Level: 0.1
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.05
Monetary Value: 800
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.28
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.08
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: 2G_BOOST


Vehicle Identifier: RCCOPTER
Real Name: RC Copter
Mass: 100.0
Dimensions of X: 0.8
Dimensions of Y: 1.5
Dimensions of Z: 1.0
Center of Mass (X): 0.0
Center of Mass (Y): 0.0
Center of Mass (Z): -0.1
Percent Submerged: 70
Traction Multiplier: 1.10
Traction Loss: 0.75
Traction Bias: 0.50
Transmission: Number of Gears: 1
Transmission: Maximum Velocity: 75.0
Transmission: Engine Acceleration: 35.0
Transmission: Drive Type: 4
Transmission: Engine Type: p
Brake Deceleration: 5.5
Brake Bias: 0.50
ABS: 0
Steering Lock: 25.0
Suspension Force Level: 1.6
Suspension Damping Level: 0.1
Seat Offset Distance: 0.2
Collision Damage Multiplier: 0.10
Monetary Value: 500
Suspension: Upper Limit: 0.28
Suspension: Lower Limit: -0.08
Suspension: Bias: 0.5
Suspension Anti-drive Multiplier: 0.0
Front Light Type: 0
Rear Light Type: 1
Flags: 2G_BOOST


Sorted by damage multiplier
---------------------------
# the higher the multiplier the more fragile
# the lower the more resistant to damage

DAMAGE  SPEED   ACCEL   DECEL
1.25    150.0   14.0    04.17   ROMERO
1.00    140.0   24.0    10.00   TRAIN
1.00    140.0   24.0    10.00   HELI
1.00    140.0   24.0    10.00   DEADDODO
1.00    140.0   24.0    10.00   AIRTRAIN
0.90    150.0   15.0    5.5     SPAND
0.85    160.0   15.0    7.0     VIRGO
0.77    145.0   12.0    4.17    MRWHOOP
0.75    200.0   16.0    5.0     MAVERICK
0.75    150.0   15.0    5.5     MOONBEAM
0.75    130.0   9.0     4.17    BUS
0.72    240.0   29.0    11.0    INFERNUS
0.72    180.0   10.0    10.0    STRETCH
0.65    200.0   24.0    10.0    MAFIA
0.65    200.0   16.0    5.0     POLMAV
0.65    200.0   16.0    5.0     COASTMAV
0.64    160.0   23.0    8.17    STALLION
0.60    200.0   28.0    11.1    PHEONIX
0.60    200.0   28.0    11.0    COMET
0.60    200.0   16.0    5.0     SEASPAR
0.60    180.0   21.0    7.5     WASHING
0.60    180.0   17.0    7.17    KURUMA
0.60    160.0   18.0    5.5     RUMPO
0.60    150.0   13.0    04.17   PEREN
0.56    220.0   36.0    10.0    HOTRING
0.56    165.0   24.0    10.17   SENTINEL
0.56    165.0   22.0    8.5     ADMIRAL
0.55    180.0   32.0    6.1     SABRETUR
0.55    160.0   25.0    6.0     CUBAN
0.54    230.0   32.0    11.1    CHEETAH
0.54    160.0   18.0    3.4     ESPERANT
0.54    160.0   15.0    5.4     GREENWOO
0.53    140.0   15.0    4.5     BENSON
0.53    140.0   12.0    4.5     MULE
0.52    200.0   26.0    10.0    DELUXO
0.52    160.0   24.0    8.17    SABRE1
0.51    180.0   19.0    9.1     TAXI
0.50    200.0   30.0    11.0    BLISTAC
0.50    200.0   28.0    11.0    STINGER
0.50    200.0   16.0    5.0     SPARROW
0.50    200.0   16.0    5.0     HUNTER
0.50    200.0   16.0    5.0     DODO
0.50    200.0   1.7     0.01    SEAPLANE
0.50    160.0   19.0    13.0    GOLFCART
0.50    160.0   15.0    6.0     PONY
0.50    160.0   15.0    08.0    MANANA
0.50    160.0   14.0    13.0    BAGGAGE
0.50    150.0   27.0    10.5    GANGBUR
0.50    150.0   25.0    8.5     BURRITO
0.49    200.0   33.0    11.1    BANSHEE
0.48    165.0   16.0    5.0     REGINA
0.48    150.0   13.0    5.7     COACH
0.47    180.0   15.0    10.0    LOVEFIST
0.45    190.0   3.0     0.02    CUPBOAT
0.45    160.0   16.0    5.0     OCEANIC
0.45    160.0   14.0    4.5     YANKEE
0.44    160.0   16.0    6.2     IDAHO
0.43    160.0   15.0    6.0     TOPFUN
0.43    150.0   10.0    10.00   FLATBED
0.42    160.0   18.0    3.5     HERMES
0.41    160.0   23.0    6.50    VOODOO
0.40    170.0   35.0    6.1     BFINJECT
0.40    160.0   22.0    7.0     CABBIE
0.40    160.0   16.0    6.2     GLENDALE
0.40    150.0   13.0    5.7     PACKER
0.40    140.0   14.0    4.5     BOXVILLE
0.39    190.0   2.5     0.04    SPEEDER
0.38    190.0   0.7     0.02    REEFER
0.38    190.0   0.5     0.04    MARQUIS
0.35    170.0   8.0     8.4     SECURICA
0.35    170.0   25.0    08.17   SANDKING
0.35    170.0   20.0    7.0     RANCHER
0.33    190.0   3.0     0.02    SQUALO
0.33    190.0   24.0    7.0     AMBULAN
0.33    190.0   1.7     0.05    PREDATOR
0.33    190.0   1.4     0.05    TROPIC
0.32    160.0   24.0    7.0     KAUFMAN
0.30    170.0   22.0    8.5     FBIRANCH
0.30    160.0   26.0    6.2     BLOODRB
0.30    160.0   24.0    6.2     BLOODRA
0.30    160.0   23.0    6.2     DESPERAD
0.26    180.0   12.0    10.00   BARRACKS
0.26    170.0   22.0    10.00   FIRETRUK
0.25    170.0   19.0    08.17   PATRIOT
0.25    120.0   18.0    8.0     LINERUN
0.24    200.0   28.0    11.1    POLICE
0.24    190.0   45.0    12.0    ANGEL
0.24    190.0   40.0    10.0    FREEWAY
0.23    190.0   24.0    10.0    FBICAR
0.23    190.0   0.5     0.02    RIO
0.23    160.0   20.0    6.2     LANDSTAL
0.20    165.0   17.0    8.5     BOBCAT
0.20    110.0   07.0    03.17   TRASH
0.19    150.0   14.0    6.5     WALTON
0.18    190.0   1.6     0.05    COASTGRD
0.18    160.0   26.0    9.0     ZEBRA
0.16    170.0   17.0    8.4     ENFORCER
0.15    190.0   50.0    19.0    DIRTBIKE
0.15    190.0   50.0    15.0    BIKE
0.12    190.0   1.2     0.07    DINGHY
0.11    190.0   30.0    14.0    MOPED
0.10    75.0    35.0    5.5     RCCOPTER
0.09    80.0    8.0     8.17    RHINO
0.08    75.0    35.0    5.5     RCBARON
0.05    75.0    35.0    5.5     RCGOBLIN
0.05    75.0    35.0    5.5     RCBANDIT

Vehicles Sorted by Speed
------------------------

SPEED   ACCEL   DECEL   NAME
75.0    35.0    5.5     RCBANDIT
75.0    35.0    5.5     RCBARON
75.0    35.0    5.5     RCCOPTER
75.0    35.0    5.5     RCGOBLIN
80.0    8.0     8.17    RHINO
110.0   07.0    03.17   TRASH
120.0   18.0    8.0     LINERUN
130.0   9.0     4.17    BUS
140.0   12.0    4.5     MULE
140.0   14.0    4.5     BOXVILLE
140.0   15.0    4.5     BENSON
140.0   24.0    10.00   AIRTRAIN
140.0   24.0    10.00   DEADDODO
140.0   24.0    10.00   HELI
140.0   24.0    10.00   TRAIN
145.0   12.0    4.17    MRWHOOP
150.0   10.0    10.00   FLATBED
150.0   13.0    04.17   PEREN
150.0   13.0    5.7     COACH
150.0   13.0    5.7     PACKER
150.0   14.0    04.17   ROMERO
150.0   14.0    6.5     WALTON
150.0   15.0    5.5     MOONBEAM
150.0   15.0    5.5     SPAND
150.0   25.0    8.5     BURRITO
150.0   27.0    10.5    GANGBUR
160.0   14.0    13.0    BAGGAGE
160.0   14.0    4.5     YANKEE
160.0   15.0    08.0    MANANA
160.0   15.0    5.4     GREENWOO
160.0   15.0    6.0     PONY
160.0   15.0    6.0     TOPFUN
160.0   15.0    7.0     VIRGO
160.0   16.0    5.0     OCEANIC
160.0   16.0    6.2     GLENDALE
160.0   16.0    6.2     IDAHO
160.0   18.0    3.4     ESPERANT
160.0   18.0    3.5     HERMES
160.0   18.0    5.5     RUMPO
160.0   19.0    13.0    GOLFCART
160.0   20.0    6.2     LANDSTAL
160.0   22.0    7.0     CABBIE
160.0   23.0    6.2     DESPERAD
160.0   23.0    6.50    VOODOO
160.0   23.0    8.17    STALLION
160.0   24.0    6.2     BLOODRA
160.0   24.0    7.0     KAUFMAN
160.0   24.0    8.17    SABRE1
160.0   25.0    6.0     CUBAN
160.0   26.0    6.2     BLOODRB
160.0   26.0    9.0     ZEBRA
165.0   16.0    5.0     REGINA
165.0   17.0    8.5     BOBCAT
165.0   22.0    8.5     ADMIRAL
165.0   24.0    10.17   SENTINEL
170.0   17.0    8.4     ENFORCER
170.0   19.0    08.17   PATRIOT
170.0   20.0    7.0     RANCHER
170.0   22.0    10.00   FIRETRUK
170.0   22.0    8.5     FBIRANCH
170.0   25.0    08.17   SANDKING
170.0   35.0    6.1     BFINJECT
170.0   8.0     8.4     SECURICA
180.0   10.0    10.0    STRETCH
180.0   12.0    10.00   BARRACKS
180.0   15.0    10.0    LOVEFIST
180.0   17.0    7.17    KURUMA
180.0   19.0    9.1     TAXI
180.0   21.0    7.5     WASHING
180.0   32.0    6.1     SABRETUR
190.0   0.5     0.02    RIO
190.0   0.5     0.04    MARQUIS
190.0   0.7     0.02    REEFER
190.0   1.2     0.07    DINGHY
190.0   1.4     0.05    TROPIC
190.0   1.6     0.05    COASTGRD
190.0   1.7     0.05    PREDATOR
190.0   2.5     0.04    SPEEDER
190.0   24.0    10.0    FBICAR
190.0   24.0    7.0     AMBULAN
190.0   3.0     0.02    CUPBOAT
190.0   3.0     0.02    SQUALO
190.0   30.0    14.0    MOPED
190.0   40.0    10.0    FREEWAY
190.0   45.0    12.0    ANGEL
190.0   50.0    15.0    BIKE
190.0   50.0    19.0    DIRTBIKE
200.0   1.7     0.01    SEAPLANE
200.0   16.0    5.0     COASTMAV
200.0   16.0    5.0     DODO
200.0   16.0    5.0     HUNTER
200.0   16.0    5.0     MAVERICK
200.0   16.0    5.0     POLMAV
200.0   16.0    5.0     SEASPAR
200.0   16.0    5.0     SPARROW
200.0   24.0    10.0    MAFIA
200.0   26.0    10.0    DELUXO
200.0   28.0    11.0    COMET
200.0   28.0    11.0    STINGER
200.0   28.0    11.1    PHEONIX
200.0   28.0    11.1    POLICE
200.0   30.0    11.0    BLISTAC
200.0   33.0    11.1    BANSHEE
220.0   36.0    10.0    HOTRING
230.0   32.0    11.1    CHEETAH
240.0   29.0    11.0    INFERNUS

Vehicles sorted by Acceleration
-------------------------------

ACCELL  SPEED   DECEL   NAME
0.5     190.0   0.02    RIO
0.5     190.0   0.04    MARQUIS
0.7     190.0   0.02    REEFER
1.2     190.0   0.07    DINGHY
1.4     190.0   0.05    TROPIC
1.6     190.0   0.05    COASTGRD
1.7     190.0   0.05    PREDATOR
1.7     200.0   0.01    SEAPLANE
2.5     190.0   0.04    SPEEDER
3.0     190.0   0.02    CUPBOAT
3.0     190.0   0.02    SQUALO
7.0     110.0   03.17   TRASH
8.0     170.0   8.4     SECURICA
8.0     80.0    8.17    RHINO
9.0     130.0   4.17    BUS
10.0    150.0   10.00   FLATBED
10.0    180.0   10.0    STRETCH
12.0    140.0   4.5     MULE
12.0    145.0   4.17    MRWHOOP
12.0    180.0   10.00   BARRACKS
13.0    150.0   04.17   PEREN
13.0    150.0   5.7     COACH
13.0    150.0   5.7     PACKER
14.0    140.0   4.5     BOXVILLE
14.0    150.0   04.17   ROMERO
14.0    150.0   6.5     WALTON
14.0    160.0   13.0    BAGGAGE
14.0    160.0   4.5     YANKEE
15.0    140.0   4.5     BENSON
15.0    150.0   5.5     MOONBEAM
15.0    150.0   5.5     SPAND
15.0    160.0   08.0    MANANA
15.0    160.0   5.4     GREENWOO
15.0    160.0   6.0     PONY
15.0    160.0   6.0     TOPFUN
15.0    160.0   7.0     VIRGO
15.0    180.0   10.0    LOVEFIST
16.0    160.0   5.0     OCEANIC
16.0    160.0   6.2     GLENDALE
16.0    160.0   6.2     IDAHO
16.0    165.0   5.0     REGINA
16.0    200.0   5.0     COASTMAV
16.0    200.0   5.0     DODO
16.0    200.0   5.0     HUNTER
16.0    200.0   5.0     MAVERICK
16.0    200.0   5.0     POLMAV
16.0    200.0   5.0     SEASPAR
16.0    200.0   5.0     SPARROW
17.0    165.0   8.5     BOBCAT
17.0    170.0   8.4     ENFORCER
17.0    180.0   7.17    KURUMA
18.0    120.0   8.0     LINERUN
18.0    160.0   3.4     ESPERANT
18.0    160.0   3.5     HERMES
18.0    160.0   5.5     RUMPO
19.0    160.0   13.0    GOLFCART
19.0    170.0   08.17   PATRIOT
19.0    180.0   9.1     TAXI
20.0    160.0   6.2     LANDSTAL
20.0    170.0   7.0     RANCHER
21.0    180.0   7.5     WASHING
22.0    160.0   7.0     CABBIE
22.0    165.0   8.5     ADMIRAL
22.0    170.0   10.00   FIRETRUK
22.0    170.0   8.5     FBIRANCH
23.0    160.0   6.2     DESPERAD
23.0    160.0   6.50    VOODOO
23.0    160.0   8.17    STALLION
24.0    140.0   10.00   AIRTRAIN
24.0    140.0   10.00   DEADDODO
24.0    140.0   10.00   HELI
24.0    140.0   10.00   TRAIN
24.0    160.0   6.2     BLOODRA
24.0    160.0   7.0     KAUFMAN
24.0    160.0   8.17    SABRE1
24.0    165.0   10.17   SENTINEL
24.0    190.0   10.0    FBICAR
24.0    190.0   7.0     AMBULAN
24.0    200.0   10.0    MAFIA
25.0    150.0   8.5     BURRITO
25.0    160.0   6.0     CUBAN
25.0    170.0   08.17   SANDKING
26.0    160.0   6.2     BLOODRB
26.0    160.0   9.0     ZEBRA
26.0    200.0   10.0    DELUXO
27.0    150.0   10.5    GANGBUR
28.0    200.0   11.0    COMET
28.0    200.0   11.0    STINGER
28.0    200.0   11.1    PHEONIX
28.0    200.0   11.1    POLICE
29.0    240.0   11.0    INFERNUS
30.0    190.0   14.0    MOPED
30.0    200.0   11.0    BLISTAC
32.0    180.0   6.1     SABRETUR
32.0    230.0   11.1    CHEETAH
33.0    200.0   11.1    BANSHEE
35.0    170.0   6.1     BFINJECT
35.0    75.0    5.5     RCBANDIT
35.0    75.0    5.5     RCBARON
35.0    75.0    5.5     RCCOPTER
35.0    75.0    5.5     RCGOBLIN
36.0    220.0   10.0    HOTRING
40.0    190.0   10.0    FREEWAY
45.0    190.0   12.0    ANGEL
50.0    190.0   15.0    BIKE
50.0    190.0   19.0    DIRTBIKE

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                9.6 Rare Cars
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
His part of this FAQ, Minesweeper, is left as is.

***********************************************************************
16B - RARE CARS
***********************************************************************
(A HUGE THANKS TO MINESWEEPER!!)

This is a list of all the rare cars you can get in the game.  These cars only
appear in one or two missions a game, and then never again.  Since they're so
rare, I'm making a list of them.  Note that special cars like the Zebra Cab,
White Infernus, etc. aren't on here.  That's because they have respawn points.
If the vehicle has a respawn point, then it's not considered rare enough to be
on this list.

SPECIAL COLOR CARS
==============================================
BLACK ADMIRALS
--------------
MISSION:
Check Out at the Check In, Loose Ends

WALKTHROUGH FOR CHECK OUT AT THE CHECK IN:
This car is tricky to catch since the vehicles have locked doors and you can't
shoot the drivers.  You somehow have to get one of those Admirals to drive
inside one of your safehouse garages, and then close the door on them.  My
favorite way is to have purchased Hyman Condo, and then empty out one of my
two-car garages.  After you get the case from the man you killed, drive to
Hyman Condo instead of Ammu-Nation.

Now, wait around here for one of the black Admirals to show up, and then run
inside one of your garages.  Hopefully, the Admiral will chase you inside the
garage.  After the Admiral is in, quickly run out and let the door slam on the
car.  Complete the mission as usual, and the guys inside the cars will vanish.
If the car was completely inside the garage, the doors will be unlocked and you
now have a special black Admiral.  If not, push the car in until the door
closes over the car completely.

WALKTHROUGH FOR LOOSE ENDS:
None of the black Admirals behind the ice cream factory are unlocked.
You'll probably have to wait until the mission is over, since the front gate
won't open wide enough to let a car out until the mission is over.  You just
have to hope the cars stay where they are and don't vanish.  There's also the
choice of driving them out over the roof, but it's quite hard to do.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Leave a door on the vehicle open during the mission so it won't vanish.
Bring two Packers to the Ice Cream Factory, and use one Packer to get the other
packer inside the lot where the vehicle is.  Drive the vehicle out over the
Packer's ramp.

Contributed by: THAguyINgta3
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

BLACK AND RED BOBCAT
--------------------
MISSION:
Autocide

WALKTHROUGH:
When you get to the part where you kill Marcus Hammond and Franco Carter in the
Bobcat, snipe them through the windshield of the car.  Target the driver first,
because he'll drive away in the truck if you don't kill him.  Take the Bobcat
to one of your garages afterwards.

BLACK PONY
----------
MISSION:
Loose Ends

WALKTHROUGH:
The black Pony behind the ice cream factory is unlocked.  Be careful you don't
accidentally blow it up during the first part of the gunfight.  You'll probably
have to wait until the mission is over, since the front gate won't open wide
enough to let a car out until the mission is over.  You just have to hope the
car stays where it is and doesn't vanish.  There's also the choice of driving
it out over the roof, but it's quite hard to do.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Leave a door on the vehicle open during the mission so it won't vanish.
Bring two Packers to the Ice Cream Factory, and use one Packer to get the other
packer inside the lot where the vehicle is.  Drive the vehicle out over the
Packer's ramp.

Contributed by: THAguyINgta3
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

BLACK SANCHEZ
-------------
MISSION:
Trial By Dirt

WALKTHROUGH:
I wouldn't really count this as a rare car, since you can get it any time you
like by repeating this mission.  However, I'm sure I'll get bugged about this
vehicle if I don't post it, so I'm putting it up.  During the race, you'll be
attacked by Haitians riding black Sanchezs.  Kill one of them and take his
bike.  You can finish the race on that bike before you take it to a garage.

BLACK SENTINEL
--------------
MISSION:
Hit The Courier

WALKTHROUGH:
The courier's black Sentinel in this mission is locked.  To get it from the
courier, try forcing her car into a corner.  Once she's stuck, use a rifle or
something to shoot her through the windows.  The door will open and her body
will fall out.  You can now take the car to one of your garages.

BLACK VOODOO
------------
MISSION:
Two Bit Hit

WALKTHROUGH:
This car will be parked at the funeral parlor when you get ready to kill the
Haitian gang lord.  Steal this car from the Haitian driving it and take the car
to one of your garages.  Don't worry about losing the Haitian gang lord while
he escapes, because his hearse will just drive around until you kill him.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
BLACK WASHINGTON
----------------
MISSION:
All Hands On Deck!

WALKTHROUGH:
When the mission starts out, kill all the people on the boat except Cortez (I
did this to buy me time although I'm not sure if it really does). Jump down to
the back of the boat and then on to the Speeder as it passes by. Kill the guy
on the boat and then drive it back to the dock. Go to the black Washington and
get ready to push it to your Ocean Heights Apartment. To push it, make sure you
position yourself in the center of the front of the vehicle and then run
forward (infinite run helps a lot on this mission).

When you get to the intersection before the street that your hideout is on, it
gets tough to push it. Try to avoid this intersection as much as possible.
Make sure that the Washington doesn't explode because if it does, it will
disappear when you push it close to your garage. There is a time limit so push
it into your garage quickly.  You will appear on the ship automatically for the
second part of the mission, and that could keep you from pushing it to the
garage. After the mission, go back to your garage and the black washington
should still be there.

Contributed by: Rusty Zufall
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

GOLD STRETCH
------------
MISSION:
Martha's Mug Shot

STRATEGY:
Shoot the driver of the Stretch through the window before Candy gets inside it.
Kill Candy, and then take the car to one of your garages.

SILVER PCJ 600
--------------
MISSION:
Autocide

STRATEGY:
Take the PCJ 600 parked near the weapons cache at the start of the mission to
one of your garages.

WHITE ADMIRAL
-------------
MISSION:
An Old Friend

STRATEGY:
This Admiral is the one Ken Rosenburg drives during the opening.  It will be
parked next to you once you first gain control after the introduction.  It will
be difficult to keep this white Admiral since you don't have a safehouse with a
garage yet.  Try getting a gun and holding up some stores to get the money to
buy a safehouse.  Don't sweat it if you lose it though, because you'll get
another chance at a white Admiral later.  Not only that, but the Admiral you
get later is everything-proof!

WHITE WALTON
------------
MISSION:
Gun Runner

STRATEGY:
Steal one of the white Waltons one of the Mexicans are transporting the weapons
in.  If you blow it up in one of your safehouse garages you can still complete
the mission and keep the truck at the same time.

UNIQUE CARS
==============================================
LOVE FIST LIMO
--------------
MISSIONS:
Psycho Killer, Publicity Tour

STRATEGY FOR BOTH MISSIONS:
Just drive the limo to one of your garages after you complete either mission.

ROMERO'S HEARSE
---------------
MISSION:
Two Bit Hit

STRATEGY:
There will be two of these cars parked at the funeral parlor when you get ready
to kill the Haitian gang lord.  Steal one of them and take the car to one of
your garages.  Don't worry about losing the Haitian gang lord while he escapes,
because his hearse will just drive around until you kill him.

SPAND EXPRESS
-------------
MISSION:
Jury Fury, Riot

STRATEGY FOR JURY FURY:
After you beat on the man who tries to flee in his Admiral, he'll crash into a
Spand Express truck.  Take the truck to one of your garages.

STRATEGY FOR RIOT:
After you get the security guards to open the front gates of the Spand
Express building, steal one of the Spand Express trucks and take it to a
garage.  Blow it up in there to complete the mission and keep the truck at the
same time.

LIGHTLESS TAXI
--------------
MISSION:
None

STRATEGY:
The good ole' lightless Taxi bug from GTA3 makes a return appearance in GTAVC.
The lightless taxi looks like your average taxi, apart from the fact it has no
light on the top.  There is absolutely nothing else on it that makes this car
special.  The lightless Taxi is difficult to find, because it's a graphical
glitch.  I found one of these while it was driving around in front of the
passenger terminal at Escobar International.  My advice on finding it is to
check the roof of every taxi you see.  Drive your own taxi to encourage more
taxis to spawn too.  I've also heard they tend to appear more often right after
you've loaded your game.

"PROOFED" VEHICLES
==============================================
EVERYTHING-PROOF WHITE ADMIRAL
------------------------------
MISSION:
Guardian Angels

STRATEGY:
Diaz's white Admiral in this mission is an indestructible vehicle.  It doesn't
take physical damage when you run it into things, it's bulletproof, and
explosions do also not damage it.  To get it, simply kill Diaz or Lance when
you arrive at the deal location instead of going to play sniper.  Make sure
you've got a safehouse garage reserved for this sweet baby!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You don't have to fail "Guardian Angels" to get the Bulletproof White Admiral.
After you complete the mission, just run out on the street and it will be
parked at the intersection.

Contributed by: Rusty Zufall
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
BULLET-PROOF SABRE TURBO
------------------------
MISSION:
THE DRIVER

STRATEGY:
Finish the race with Hilary close to you.  After the race is over, Hilary will
vanish from his car and the car will stop.  The doors are locked, so you'll
have to push it to one of your hideouts to unlock it.

I've discovered another way that can make getting the car back much easier.
Only do this if you're a skilled sniper.  Stand next to the well-stacked Pizza
restaurant to the north and face the bridge nearby.  Set up a barricade of cars
at the bridge.  On the left side of the road there will be Gonzales's apartment
building.  When the timer gets close to 2:00, run behind the apartment building
and get the Adrenaline Pill there.  Come back and equip a rifle (my preferred
one is a PSG1).

When Hilary comes, try to snipe him through his windshield.  His body might
fall out of the car, which will open the door.  Drive it to your hideout but
don't close the door on the way there, otherwise the car will be locked.  Even
if you do miss here, you could still do it the old fashioned way of ramming the
car back to a safehouse.

Source:  www.gamefaqs.com GTAVC messageboard
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
FIRE-PROOF BANSHEE, CHEETAH, AND INFERNUS
=========================================
MISSION:
Car Showroom street races

WALKTHROUGH:
To get them just do a drive-by on the racing cars after the race and the person
should get out. Make sure you don't close the door if you get out of it because
the doors will lock.  Take it back to your garage to make the doors unlock.

CUBAN HERMES AND VOODOO WITH POP-PROOF TIRES
============================================
MISSION:
Guardian Angels

STRATEGY:
After the mission has ended, simply take one of the Voodoos or the Cuban Hermes
that appeared during the mission.  However, once you save it in a garage, it
won't have pop-proof tires anymore.

Contributed by: Rusty Zufall
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

***********************************************************************
16C - FREEBIE ITEM VEHICLES
***********************************************************************
There are a handful of vehicles in this game that you'll get free stuff from if
you get inside them.  However, you only get the free item once per vehicle.
So, for example, don't try getting in and out of the ambulance over and over to
get more health.

AMBULANCE
=========
- 20 health.  You can only go up to your normal maximum health though.  For
example, if you got 125 health from a hooker and your maximum health is 100,
you'll go down to 100 when you get in an ambulance.

CADDIE
======
- Golf Club if you don't have a melee weapon.

ENFORCER
========
- Maximum armor.

POLICE CAR
==========
- Five shotgun shells, and a Chrome Shotgun if you don't have a shotgun.

Thanks again to Minesweeper!

===============================================================================
                                10.0 Weapons
===============================================================================
Remember you can only carry nine weapons at a time, and here is what you can
carry. (Locations coming soon)

1 Camera (Only for the "Martha's Mug Shot Mission")
1 Fist Weapon
1 Melee
1 Projectile
1 Pistol
1 Uzi
1 Assault Rifle
1 Shotgun
1 Heavy Metal
1 Sniper

(Thanks to Brady Games for the list)

--------------------
10.1 Slot 1 (Camera)
--------------------

-Camera
Used only in the mission "Martha's Mug Shot" use to take a picture.
Duh.

-------------------
10.2 Slot 2 (Fists)
-------------------

-Fists
What you use when you don't have brass knuckles.  For punching obviously.

-Brass Knuckles
Sneaky wimps' way of punching.  Highly illegal.

-------------------
10.3 Slot 3 (Melee)
-------------------

-Chainsaw
18-in. 40-cc gas chain saw.  Automatic chain tensioning, chain brake, cuts
through bone. Includes case and extra chain.

-Cleaver
This carbon steel cleaver can be used for cutting up large bones, pork chops,
or cartilage. Good for commercial or street use.  What the butchers use to cut
up meat.  What you use to cut up people.

-Screw Driver
Screw this!

-Golf Club
All titanium and graphite shaft clubs on sale. Improve your score on the links
with these superior products.

-Hammer
All steel construction, full polish tool, with head and handle forged in one
piece.

-Katana
Kung Fu movies have a lot to answer for. Psychos think swords are funny.

-Nightstick
What the police do to you to say good night.  Big sticks to whack people with.

-Baseball Bat
The classic is back!  Use to hit baseballs or people, whatever you want.

-Knife
Outdoor knife for all-purpose, heavy-duty use. Perfect for those who need a
rugged knife. Includes black leather sheath.

-Machete
A very large knife used to trim the bushes, or peoples' heads off if that's
what you want.

-------------------------
10.4 Slot 4 (Projectiles)
-------------------------

-Tear Gas
Semi-legal, highly dangerous way of causing crowd unrest.

-Grenades
Your classic small bombs that explode after a certain amount of time.  Good for
blowing up stuff.

-Molotov
A bottle filled with gasoline and a damp rag for a wick.  When set on fire,
lots of fire will come out.  Good for burning stuff.

-Bomb/Detonator
Same as a Grenade, only with a detonator.

--------------------
10.5 Slot 5 (Pistol)
--------------------

-Colt 45
A weaker version of a Python, but you can move while shooting.

-Python
Dangerous peace-maker. One shot certain to put a man down.  Approach with
extreme caution.  You can't move while shooting it.

---------------------
10.6 Slot 6 (Shotgun)
---------------------
(Thanks to Vido Corleone)

-Default Shotgun
Extremely powerful shotgun. Could stop an elephant. And has. Used in  Vice City
on other things. With devastating results.

-Stubby Shotgun
Extremely powerful short-range weapon. Very dangerous in the wrong  hands:
anyone's but ours.

-Spas 12 Shotgun
Deadly in the hands of any person. This one shot wonder fires not 1, not 2 but
7 shots in a row without reloading. Interested in taking down a group of gang
members? Checkout AmmuNation downtown


-----------------
10.7 Slot 7 (Uzi)
-----------------

-Tec 9
Short-range, high-impact automatic weapon. Popular with Cuban drug barons and
other law-breakers. No social benefit to this one - unlike most machine guns.

-Uzi
Extremely popular on the streets.  The weakest of all Uzis.

-Ingram MAC 10
Recoil and short rang, but high powered and fast make up for it.  Cheap.
Extremely dangerous rapid-fire. Available at a supermarket near you.

-MP5
The best Uzi.  One of the best weapons.  Very accurate.  Very hard to get from
an FBI agent.


----------------------------
10.8 Slot 8 (Assault Rifles)
----------------------------

-Ruger
I tried one of these down at the gun club. Isn't that a great pastime?
Shooting high velocity rifles in a secure environment. Makes me feel like a
man.  One of the best close and far, with high-speed bullets.
What else do you want?

-Colt M4
One of the deadliest weapons around.  Auto-aim, a scope and even better than a
Ruger.  Wow.


--------------------------
10.9 Slot 9 (Heavy Metals)
--------------------------

-Flame Thrower
Beware psychopaths and over-enthusiastic barbequers with this weapon. Fine for
use in South Easy Asia, but on the streets of Vice City, it's nothing but a
menace.

-M60
Military issue M60s. Now found as weapon of choice for well-funded private
militias.

-Rocket Launcher
Supposedly illegal. Banned for civilian use. Have been appearing on the streets
of Vice City for the past couple of years. Present extreme danger to public
order. I thought we sold all of these things to corrupt dictators and people
fighting the Russians?

-Minigun
Better known as a Gattling Gun, it is a gun with high clips and lots of power.
Beware.  Definitely not mini in power.


-----------------------------
10.10 Slot 10 (Sniper Rifles)
-----------------------------

-Sniper Rifle
Assassination remains rifle in Vice City. Who is Mr. Black?

-PSG-1
Wow.  Is this ever cool?  You don't have to reload after every shot like the
Sniper Rifle, and it is more accurate.  Me-likey the PSG-1.

Here are a bunch of sayings for each weapon thanks to Daniel Fomin
=======================================================================
     Brass Knuckles--Fist--Put these own and make those punches hurt.

     Hammer--Melee--A tinker tool...OF DEATH. BWAHAHAHA...

     Screwdriver--Melee--Pop some tires, stab some people, screw stuff
     over.

     Golf Club--Melee--Please be courteous and yell 'FORE!' before
     swinging.

     Night Stick--Melee--The same stick the police use to beat you with
     when you're naughty.

     Baseball Bat--Melee--Hit a homer...or a car...or that guy...it
     doesn't matter.

     Knife--Melee--A steak knife...good enough to make someone bleed.

     Meat Cleaver--Melee--Good for chopping vegetables, fruits, and
     limbs.

     Machete--Melee--A long, sleek knife, perfect for disfiguring
     unwanted pedestrians.

     Katana--Melee--Take some Ju-Jitsu and slice your enemies to
     peaces.

     Chainsaw--Melee--Rev it up and tear the world apart.

     Grenades--Explosive--Lob one of these and let the carnage reign.

     Molotov Cocktail--Explosive--Fire in the hole! Make sure it
     doesn't hit you.

     Bomb and Detonator--Explosive--Set the target and wait for your
     time...

     Tear Gas--Explosive--A grenade that doesn't hurt cars, but makes
     people cry like they just saw Old Yeller for the first time.

     Colt 45--Pistol--A handgun good enough for a basic killing.

     Colt Python--Pistol--The Colt 45 with some extra BANG. Fires
     slower, but kills in one hit.

     Chromed Shotgun--Shotgun--Your average shotgun.

     Spas-12 Shotgun--Shotgun--Another shotgun with an automatic firing
     mechanism.

     Stubby Shotgun--Shotgun--A sawed-off gun with worse aim, but more
     power.

     Tech-9--Sub-Machine Gun--An Uzi style gun good enough to make some
     blood pools.

     Ingram MAC--Sub-Machine Gun--Another sub-machine gun with a bit
     more fire-power.

     Uzi M9--Sub-Machine Gun--Run and fire, then drive and fire, it's
     all good.

     MP5--Sub-Machine Gun--A gun similar to an Uzi, but more power. The
     FBI's weapon of choice. The most powerful of the class.

     Ruger--Rifle--Great for hunting...people! Has manual aim.

     Colt M4--Rifle--The 45 is turned into a machine gun for a much
     faster death.

     Sniper Rifle--Sniper Rifle--Zoom in and pop some heads. Great for
     shooting out tires, or popping heads.

     PSG-1--Sniper Rifle--A sniper rifle with a laser scope for easier
     aiming.

     Mini-gun--Heavy Weapon--Heavy indeed, just pull the trigger and
     watch the fun.

     M60--Heavy Weapon--Although it isn't an M16, it functions like
     the one in GTA3. Exactly like it, so Rockstar screwed up with the
     description. Not me. Leave me alone with the e-mails.

     Rocket Launcher (RPG)--Heavy Weapon--So...so very sweet...

     Flamethrower--Heavy Weapon--Torch your enemies to a burning
     carcas.

=======================================================================
Thanks again to Daniel Fomin


------------
10.11 Items
------------

-Health
A Heart icon that restores your health to 100.  See the Locations section for
more details.

-Body Armor
A...body armor...icon that provides 100 extra points of protection along with
your health.  It looks a lot like a bulletproof vest.  See the Locations
section for more details.

-Police Bribe
These star icons lower your wanted level by 1.  See the Locations section for
more details.

-Adrenaline Pill
This red and white pill icon slows the rest of the world down as well as you,
but makes you strong enough to push cars, jump farther, etc.

-Rampage
A skull icon that initiates a rampage mission.  See the rampages section for
more details.

-Hidden Package
It looks like a little figurine, with wings and stuff.  It is hard to explain,
but they are worth $1000 each and $1,000,000 when you get all of them.  Also,
there are prizes for every 10 you collect.  For more information, see the
hidden packages section.

-------------------
10.12 Weapon Stats
-------------------

HUGE THANKS GOES OUT TO PSY FOR ALL OF THIS INFORMATION!!!

All of the stats below came straight from the game data, do not email me
telling us that there is a mistake with them, and the name is wrong, that's
what the data says, that's what it stays!

It took me 5 hours to make this into some useful info, by copying and pasting
loads of different stuff together, until I eventually got this. So you better
find it helpful!

- Psy

I'm also unsure on what most if them mean, so if anyone knows, feel free to
submit anything.

=====================================================================

Weapon name: Unarmed
Fire type: MELEE
Range: 2.4
Firing Rate: 250
Reload: 100
Amount of Ammunition: 1000
Damage: 8
Speed: -1.0
Radius: 0.6
Life span: -1.0
Spread: -1.0
Fire offset vector: 0.1, 0.65, 0.30
animation to play: unarmed
animation loop start: 0
animation loop end: 99
point in animation where weapon is fired: 6
animation2 loop start: 0
animation2 loop end: 99
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 12
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 99
model id: -1
model2 id: -1
Flags: 102000

=====================================================================

Weapon name: BrassKnuckle
Fire type: MELEE
Range: 2.0
Firing Rate: 250
Reload: 100
Amount of Ammunition: 1000
Damage: 16
Speed: -1.0
Radius: 0.8
Life span: -1.0
Spread: -1.0
Fire offset vector: 0.1, 0.8, 0.30
animation to play: unarmed
animation loop start: 5
animation loop end: 20
point in animation where weapon is fired: 14
animation2 loop start: 3
animation2 loop end: 17
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 11
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 99
model id: 259
model2 id: -1
Flags: 102000

=====================================================================

Weapon name: ScrewDriver
Fire type: MELEE
Range: 1.8
Firing Rate: 250
Reload: 100
Amount of Ammunition: 1000
Damage: 45
Speed: -1.0
Radius: 0.5
Life span: -1.0
Spread: -1.0
Fire offset vector: 0.0, 0.,7 0.20
animation to play: screwdrv
animation loop start: 5
animation loop end: 99
point in animation where weapon is fired: 14
animation2 loop start: 3
animation2 loop end: 17
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 11
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 99
model id: 260
model2 id: -1
Flags: 115000

=====================================================================

Weapon name: GolfClub
Fire type: MELEE
Range: 1.5
Firing Rate: 250
Reload: 100
Amount of Ammunition: 1000
Damage: 21
Speed: -1.0
Radius: 0.8
Life span: -1.0
Spread: -1.0
Fire offset vector: 0.1, 0.8, 0.30
animation to play: golfclub
animation loop start: 5
animation loop end: 20
point in animation where weapon is fired: 16
animation2 loop start: 3
animation2 loop end: 15
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 12
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 99
model id: 261
model2 id: -1
Flags: 102000

=====================================================================

Weapon name: NightStick
Fire type: MELEE
Range: 1.5
Firing Rate: 250
Reload: 100
Amount of Ammunition: 1000
Damage: 21
Speed: -1.0
Radius: 0.8
Life span: -1.0
Spread: -1.0
Fire offset vector: 0.1, 0.8,  0.30
animation to play: baseball
animation loop start:  5
animation loop end: 20
point in animation where weapon is fired: 14
animation2 loop start: 3
animation2 loop end: 17
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 11
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 99
model id: 262
model2 id: -1
Flags: 102000

=====================================================================

Weapon name: Knife
Fire type: MELEE
Range: 1.8
Firing Rate: 250
Reload: 100
Amount of Ammunition: 1000
Damage: 21
Speed: -1.0
Radius: 0.5
Life span: -1.0
Spread: -1.0
Fire offset vector: 0.0, 0.8, 0.20
animation to play: knife
animation loop start: 5
animation loop end: 99
point in animation where weapon is fired: 14
animation2 loop start: 3
animation2 loop end: 17
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 11
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 99
model id: 263
model2 id: -1
Flags: 115000

=====================================================================

Weapon name: BaseballBat
Fire type: MELEE
Range: 2.0
Firing Rate: 250
Reload: 100
Amount of Ammunition: 1000
Damage: 21
Speed: -1.0
Radius: 0.8
Life span: -1.0
Spread: -1.0
Fire offset vector: 0.1, 0.8, 0.30
animation to play: baseball
animation loop start: 5
animation loop end: 20
point in animation where weapon is fired: 16
animation2 loop start: 3
animation2 loop end: 17
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 11
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 99
model id: 264
model2 id: -1
Flags: 102000

=====================================================================

Weapon name: Hammer
Fire type: MELEE
Range: 1.5
Firing Rate: 250
Reload: 100
Amount of Ammunition: 1000
Damage: 21
Speed: -1.0
Radius: 0.8
Life span: -1.0
Spread: -1.0
Fire offset vector: 0.1, 0.8, 0.30
animation to play: baseball
animation loop start: 5
animation loop end: 20
point in animation where weapon is fired: 14
animation2 loop start: 3
animation2 loop end: 17
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 11
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 99
model id: 265
model2 id: -1
Flags: 102000

=====================================================================

Weapon name: Cleaver
Fire type: MELEE
Range: 1.9
Firing Rate: 250
Reload: 100
Amount of Ammunition: 1000
Damage: 24
Speed: -1.0
Radius: 0.6
Life span: -1.0
Spread: -1.0
Fire offset vector: 0.0, 0.9, 0.20
animation to play: knife
animation loop start: 5
animation loop end: 99
point in animation where weapon is fired: 14
animation2 loop start: 3
animation2 loop end: 17
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 11
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 99
model id: 266
model2 id: -1
Flags: 115000

=====================================================================

Weapon name: Machete
Fire type: MELEE
Range: 2.0
Firing Rate: 250
Reload: 100
Amount of Ammunition: 1000
Damage: 24
Speed: -1.0
Radius: 0.6
Life span: -1.0
Spread: -1.0
Fire offset vector: 0.0, 1.0, 0.20
animation to play: knife
animation loop start: 5
animation loop end: 99
point in animation where weapon is fired: 14
animation2 loop start: 3
animation2 loop end: 17
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 11
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 99
model id: 267
model2 id: -1
Flags: 115000

=====================================================================

Weapon name: Katana
Fire type: MELEE
Range: 2.1
Firing Rate: 250
Reload: 100
Amount of Ammunition: 1000
Damage: 30
Speed: -1.0
Radius: 0.7
Life span: -1.0
Spread: -1.0
Fire offset vector: 0.0, 1.2, 0.30
animation to play: knife
animation loop start: 5
animation loop end: 99
point in animation where weapon is fired: 14
animation2 loop start: 3
animation2 loop end: 17
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 11
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 99
model id: 268
model2 id: -1
Flags: 115000

=====================================================================

Weapon name: Chainsaw
Fire type: MELEE
Range: 1.7
Firing Rate: 250
Reload: 100
Amount of Ammunition: 1000
Damage: 35
Speed: -1.0
Radius: 0.55
Life span: -1.0
Spread: -1.0
Fire offset vector: 0.0, 1.3, 0.10
animation to play: chainsaw
animation loop start: 5
animation loop end: 35
point in animation where weapon is fired: 30
animation2 loop start: 3
animation2 loop end: 99
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 48
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 99
model id: 269
model2 id: -1
Flags: 102000

=====================================================================

Weapon name: Grenade
Fire type: PROJECTILE
Range: 30.0
Firing Rate: 100
Reload: 1
Amount of Ammunition: 1
Damage: 75
Speed: 0.25
Radius: -1.0
Life span: 800.0
Spread: 1.0
Fire offset vector: 0.0, 0.0, 0.0
animation to play: grenade
animation loop start: 0
animation loop end: 99
point in animation where weapon is fired: 10
animation2 loop start: 0
animation2 loop end: 99
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 6
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 99
model id: 270
model2 id: -1
Flags: 2424

=====================================================================

Weapon name: DetonateGrenade
Fire type: PROJECTILE
Range: 30.0
Firing Rate: 100
Reload: 1
Amount of Ammunition: 1
Damage: 75
Speed: 0.25
Radius: -1.0
Life span: 800.0
Spread: 1.0
Fire offset vector: 0.0, 0.0, 0.0
animation to play: grenade
animation loop start: 0
animation loop end: 99
point in animation where weapon is fired: 10
animation2 loop start: 0
animation2 loop end: 99
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 6
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 99
model id: 270
model2 id: 291
Flags: 2424

=====================================================================

Weapon name: TearGas
Fire type: PROJECTILE
Range: 30.0
Firing Rate: 100
Reload: 1
Amount of Ammunition: 1
Damage: 75
Speed: 0.25
Radius: -1.0
Life span: 800.0
Spread: 1.0
Fire offset vector: 0.0, 0.0, 0.0
animation to play: grenade
animation loop start: 0
animation loop end: 99
point in animation where weapon is fired: 10
animation2 loop start: 0
animation2 loop end: 99
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 6
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 99
model id: 271
model2 id: -1
Flags: 2424

=====================================================================

Weapon name: Molotov
Fire type: PROJECTILE
Range: 25.0
Firing Rate: 100
Reload: 1
Amount of Ammunition: 1
Damage: 75
Speed: 0.25
Radius: -1.0
Life span: 2000.0
Spread: 5.0
Fire offset vector: 0.0, 0.0, 0.0
animation to play: grenade
animation loop start: 0
animation loop end: 99
point in animation where weapon is fired: 10
animation2 loop start: 0
animation2 loop end: 99
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 6
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 99
model id: 272
model2 id: -1
Flags: 2424

=====================================================================

Weapon name: Rocket
Fire type: PROJECTILE
Range: 30.0
Firing Rate: 100
Reload: 1
Amount of Ammunition: 1 2
Damage: 75
Speed: 0.25
Radius: -1.0
Life span: 800.0
Spread: 1.0
Fire offset vector: 0.0, 0.0, 0.0
animation to play: unarmed
animation loop start: 0
animation loop end: 99
point in animation where weapon is fired: 10
animation2 loop start: 0
animation2 loop end: 99
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 6
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 99
model id: 273
model2 id: -1
Flags: 2424

=====================================================================

Weapon name: Colt45
Fire type: INSTANT_HIT
Range: 30.0
Firing Rate: 250
Reload: 450
Amount of Ammunition: 17
Damage: 25
Speed: -1.0
Radius: -1.0
Life span: -1.0 3
Spread: -1.0
Fire offset vector: 0.30, 0.0, 0.09
animation to play: colt45
animation loop start: 11
animation loop end: 18
point in animation where weapon is fired: 14
animation2 loop start: 11
animation2 loop end: 18
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 12
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 99
model id: 274
model2 id: -1
Flags: 680C0

=====================================================================

Weapon name: Python
Fire type: INSTANT_HIT
Range: 30.0
Firing Rate: 250
Reload: 1000
Amount of Ammunition: 6
Damage: 135
Speed: -1.0
Radius: -1.0
Life span: -1.0
Spread: -1.0
Fire offset vector: 0.41, 0.03, 0.12
animation to play: python
animation loop start: 10
animation loop end: 31
point in animation where weapon is fired: 14
animation2 loop start: 14
animation2 loop end: 37
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 16
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 40
model id: 275
model2 id: -1
Flags: 28040

=====================================================================

Weapon name: Shotgun
Fire type: INSTANT_HIT
Range: 40.0
Firing Rate: 250
Reload: 450
Amount of Ammunition: 1
Damage: 80
Speed: -1.0
Radius: -1.0
Life span: -1.0
Spread: -1.0
Fire offset vector: 0.86, -0.02, 0.28
animation to play: shotgun
animation loop start: 12
animation loop end: 34
point in animation where weapon is fired: 15
animation2 loop start: 9
animation2 loop end: 26
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 13
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 30
model id: 277
model2 id: -1
Flags: 20040

=====================================================================

Weapon name: Spas12Shotgun
Fire type: INSTANT_HIT
Range: 30.0
Firing Rate: 250
Reload: 750
Amount of Ammunition: 7
Damage: 100
Speed: -1.0
Radius: -1.0
Life span: -1.0
Spread: -1.0
Fire offset vector: 0.85, -0.06, 0.19
animation to play: buddy
animation loop start: 14
animation loop end: 20
point in animation where weapon is fired: 15
animation2 loop start: 14
animation2 loop end: 20
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 14
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 25
model id: 278
model2 id: -1
Flags: 20040

=====================================================================

Weapon name: StubbyShotgun
Fire type: INSTANT_HIT
Range: 15.0
Firing Rate: 250
Reload: 750
Amount of Ammunition: 1
Damage: 120
Speed: -1.0
Radius: -1.0
Life span: -1.0
Spread: -1.0
Fire offset vector: 0.55, -0.02, 0.13
animation to play: buddy
animation loop start: 14
animation loop end: 50
point in animation where weapon is fired: 15
animation2 loop start: 14
animation2 loop end: 56
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 15
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 25
model id: 279
model2 id: -1
Flags: 20040

=====================================================================

Weapon name: Tec9
Fire type: INSTANT_HIT
Range: 30.0
Firing Rate: 250
Reload: 500
Amount of Ammunition: 50
Damage: 20
Speed: -1.0
Radius: -1.0
Life span: -1.0
Spread: -1.0
Fire offset vector: 0.45, -0.05, 0.11
animation to play: colt45
animation loop start: 11
animation loop end: 15
point in animation where weapon is fired: 14
animation2 loop start: 11
animation2 loop end: 15
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 12
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 99
model id: 281
model2 id: -1
Flags: 280C0

=====================================================================

Weapon name: Uzi
Fire type: INSTANT_HIT
Range: 45.0
Firing Rate: 250
Reload: 500
Amount of Ammunition: 30
Damage: 20
Speed: -1.0
Radius: -1.0
Life span: -1.0
Spread: -1.0
Fire offset vector: 0.45, 0.00, 0.12
animation to play: uzi
animation loop start: 12
animation loop end: 14
point in animation where weapon is fired: 12
animation2 loop start: 11
animation2 loop end: 13
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 12
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 25
model id: 282
model2 id: -1
Flags: 28840

=====================================================================

Weapon name: SilencedIngram
Fire type: INSTANT_HIT
Range: 30.0
Firing Rate: 250
Reload: 500
Amount of Ammunition: 30
Damage: 15
Speed: -1.0
Radius: -1.0
Life span: -1.0
Spread: -1.0
Fire offset vector: 0.36, 0.02, 0.11
animation to play: colt45
animation loop start: 11
animation loop end: 13
point in animation where weapon is fired: 13
animation2 loop start: 11
animation2 loop end: 13
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 11
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 99
model id: 283
model2 id: -1
Flags: 280C0

=====================================================================

Weapon name: Mp5
Fire type: INSTANT_HIT
Range: 45.0
Firing Rate: 250
Reload: 500
Amount of Ammunition: 30
Damage: 35
Speed: -1.0
Radius: -1.0
Life span: -1.0
Spread: -1.0
Fire offset vector: 0.51, -0.01, 0.20
animation to play:  uzi
animation loop start:  11
animation loop end: 14
point in animation where weapon is fired: 11
animation2 loop start: 11
animation2 loop end: 14
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 12
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 30
model id: 284
model2 id: -1
Flags: 28840

=====================================================================

Weapon name: m4
Fire type: INSTANT_HIT
Range: 90.0
Firing Rate: 250
Reload: 1000
Amount of Ammunition: 30
Damage: 40
Speed: -1.0
Radius: -1.0
Life span: -1.0
Spread: -1.0
Fire offset vector: 0.88, -0.04, 0.16
animation to play: rifle
animation loop start: 14
animation loop end: 17
point in animation where weapon is fired: 15
animation2 loop start: 14
animation2 loop end: 17
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 15
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 99
model id: 280
model2 id: -1
Flags: 28050

=====================================================================

Weapon name: Ruger
Fire type: INSTANT_HIT
Range: 90.0
Firing Rate: 250
Reload: 1000
Amount of Ammunition: 30
Damage: 35
Speed: -1.0
Radius: -1.0
Life span: -1.0
Spread: -1.0
Fire offset vector: 1.00, -0.06, 0.17
animation to play: rifle
animation loop start: 12
animation loop end: 17
point in animation where weapon is fired: 14
animation2 loop start: 11
animation2 loop end: 16
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 13
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 99
model id: 276
model2 id: -1
Flags: 28040

=====================================================================

Weapon name: SniperRifle
Fire type: INSTANT_HIT
Range: 100.0
Firing Rate: 500
Reload: 1401
Amount of Ammunition: 1
Damage: 125
Speed: -1.0
Radius: -1.0
Life span: -1.0
Spread: -1.0 8
Fire offset vector: 0.0, 0.66, 0.05
animation to play: unarmed
animation loop start: 12
animation loop end: 15
point in animation where weapon is fired: 14
animation2 loop start: 0
animation2 loop end: 10
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 3
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 99
model id: 285
model2 id: -1
Flags: 100

=====================================================================

Weapon name: LaserScope
Fire type: INSTANT_HIT
Range: 100.0
Firing Rate: 150
Reload: 1401
Amount of Ammunition: 7
Damage: 125
Speed: -1.0
Radius: -1.0
Life span: -1.0
Spread: -1.0
Fire offset vector: 0.0, 0.66, 0.05
animation to play: unarmed
animation loop start: 2
animation loop end: 8
point in animation where weapon is fired: 3
animation2 loop start: 0
animation2 loop end: 10
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 3
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 99
model id: 286
model2 id: -1
Flags: 100

=====================================================================

Weapon name: RocketLauncher
Fire type: PROJECTILE
Range: 55.0
Firing Rate: 100
Reload: 1200
Amount of Ammunition: 1
Damage: 75
Speed: 2.0
Radius: -1.0
Life span: 1000.0
Spread: 1.0
Fire offset vector: 0.42, 0.0, 0.05
animation to play: unarmed
animation loop start: 0
animation loop end: 99
point in animation where weapon is fired: 14
animation2 loop start: 0
animation2 loop end: 99
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 14
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 99
model id: 287
model2 id: -1
Flags: 324

=====================================================================

Weapon name: FlameThrower
Fire type: AREA_EFFECT
Range: 5.1
Firing Rate: 100
Reload: 100
Amount of Ammunition: 500
Damage: 25
Speed: 0.65
Radius: 0.075
Life span: 1000.0
Spread: 3.0
Fire offset vector: 1.30, 0.0, 0.56
animation to play: flame
animation loop start: 12
animation loop end: 13
point in animation where weapon is fired: 12
animation2 loop start: 6
animation2 loop end: 7
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 7
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 25
model id: 288
model2 id: -1
Flags: 1E

=====================================================================

Weapon name: M60
Fire type: INSTANT_HIT
Range: 75.0
Firing Rate: 1
Reload: 500
Amount of Ammunition: 100
Damage: 130
Speed: -1.0
Radius: -1.0
Life span: -1.0
Spread: -1.0
Fire offset vector: 1.0, 0.00, 0.23
animation to play: m60
animation loop start: 12
animation loop end: 16
point in animation where weapon is fired: 13
animation2 loop start: 10
animation2 loop end: 12
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 10
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 30
model id: 289
model2 id: -1
Flags: 8040

=====================================================================

Weapon name: Minigun
Fire type: INSTANT_HIT
Range: 75.0
Firing Rate: 1
Reload: 350
Amount of Ammunition: 500
Damage: 140
Speed: -1.0
Radius: -1.0
Life span: -1.0
Spread: -1.0
Fire offset vector: 1.28, 0.00, 0.50
animation to play: flame
animation loop start: 11
animation loop end: 12
point in animation where weapon is fired: 11
animation2 loop start: 11
animation2 loop end: 12
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 11
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 35
model id: 290
model2 id: 294
Flags: 200

=====================================================================

Weapon name: Detonator
Fire type: PROJECTILE
Range: 25.0
Firing Rate: 100
Reload: 1
Amount of Ammunition: 1
Damage: 0
Speed: 2.0
Radius: -1.0
Life span: 2000.0
Spread: 5.0
Fire offset vector: 0.0, 0.0, 0.13
animation to play: man
animation loop start: 0
animation loop end: 10
point in animation where weapon is fired: 3
animation2 loop start: 0
animation2 loop end: 10
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 3
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 99
model id: 291
model2 id: -1
Flags: 200024

=====================================================================

Weapon name: HeliCannon
Fire type: INSTANT_HIT
Range: 100.0
Firing Rate: 1
Reload: 100
Amount of Ammunition: 150
Damage: 100
Speed: -1.0
Radius: -1.0
Life span: -1.0
Spread: -1.0
Fire offset vector: 1.00, 0.00, 0.23
animation to play: m60
animation loop start: 12
animation loop end: 16
point in animation where weapon is fired: 13
animation2 loop start: 10
animation2 loop end: 14
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 12
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 30
model id: 289
model2 id: -1
Flags: 8040

=====================================================================

Weapon name: Camera
Fire type: CAMERA
Range: 100.0
Firing Rate: 500
Reload: 1401
Amount of Ammunition: 36
Damage: 0
Speed: -1.0
Radius: -1.0
Life span: -1.0
Spread: -1.0
Fire offset vector: 0.0, 0.66, 0.05
animation to play: unarmed
animation loop start: 0
animation loop end: 10
point in animation where weapon is fired: 3
animation2 loop start: 0
animation2 loop end: 10
point in animation2 where weapon is fired: 3
point in anim where we can breakout of anim/attack and run away: 25
model id: 292
model2 id: -1
Flags: 100


===============================================================================

                          -= 11.0 Hidden Packages =-

===============================================================================
(Thanks to the Brady Games strategy guide for this information)

There are 100 hidden packages in Vice City.  I will divide them up by regions
in Vice City.  First I will give you the rewards, later I will have locations
for you.  (L.S. stands for Laser Scope)  I am also expecting a guide from
someone that will add on to what I say.  In the first round through I will give
the location of it, and later I will put in how to get to each of them.  Also,
the numbers go according to the ones in the Brady Games Strategy Guide.  These
are mostly just locations, except for minesweeper's information at the end, so
if you are confused about it, you can check Bradsnet's guide for Hidden
Packages at GameFAQs.com and the numbers will match up.

10 - Body Armor - Ocean View Hotel & Starfish Island Mansion
20 - Chainsaw - Ocean View Hotel & Starfish Island Mansion
30 - Python - Ocean View Hotel & Starfish Island Mansion
40 - Flamethrower - Ocean View Hotel & Starfish Island Mansion
50 - L.S. Sniper Rifle - Ocean View Hotel & Starfish Island Mansion
60 - Minigun - Ocean View Hotel & Starfish Island Mansion
70 - Rocket Launcher - Ocean View Hotel & Starfish Island Mansion
80 - Sea Sparrow (w/Machine Gun)*- Starfish Island Mansion's Helipad
90 - Rhino - Fort Baxter's Air Base
100 - Hunter - Fort Baxter's Air Base

* - Thanks to Stas O'Neill

Also, around the numbers will be either in a box or a triangle.
 --
|  | This means it is on the ground level.
 --

 /\
/__\ This means it is on a higher level.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                11.1 Locations
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is the location of each Hidden Package, not how to get to them.  See the
next section for that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ocean Beach
~~~~~~~~~~~~

  /\
 /#1\
/____\
Further northeast from the last package is some rocks in the water.  It is
lying around in there.

 --
|#2|
 --
On a wooden hut in the water, looks like it is decaying.

 --
|#3|
 --
Next to the steps in the southernmost house

  /\
 /#4\
/____\
On the steps to the lighthouse

 --
|#5|
 --
In the underground car park by the marina where you did missions for Cortez.
It is in a corner on the floor of the car park.

 --
|#6|
 --
On a ledge near the water, behind the west Ocean View Medical Foundation and
Development building.

 --
|#7|
 --
On a narrow walkway from under the bridge from Little Havana to Ocean
Beach.

  /\
 /#8\
/____\
On top of a one-story building across from the Washington, open air,
Mall.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington Beach
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 --
|#9|
 --
Near the fenced-in pool in the pink apartments, by the body armor.

  / \
 /#10\
/_____\
On top of a two-story building that connects to the DBP security building.

  --
|#11 |
  --
Across from Rosenberg's office, on back porch overlooking water of save house.

  --
|#12 |
  --
On the water's edge, up against a road bridge.

  / \
 /#13\
/_____\
On a very tall white and blue striped building (very ugly).  Use a helicopter
to get to the package.

  --
|#14 |
  --
On a lifeguard's hut on the beach.

  / \
 /#15\
/_____\
In an upstairs office of the police station.

  --
|#16 |
  --
Facing a moat, in a corner of a multi-colored building of purple, white and
orange.

  --
|#17 |
  --
In the open showers, multi-colored, by the Starfish Island Bridge.

  --
|#18 |
  --
Underneath the Starfish Island bridge, on the beach side.

~~~~~~~~~~~
Vice Point
~~~~~~~~~~~

  --
|#19 |
  --
In an alley behind SpandEX delivery firm.  The same place where you did the
mission "Riot"

  / \
 /#20\
/_____\
At the end of a beam that juts out on the third floor of the construction site.

  --
|#21 |
  --
On a dock facing Leaf Links island.

  / \
 /#22\
/_____\
On a building across from the Malibu near the pool at the top of the building.

  --
|#23 |
  --
In a corner behind the gates of the Malibu.

  / \
 /#24\
/_____\
In the pool area of where Candy and the Congressman were during "Martha's
Mugshot" mission.

  --
|#25 |
  --
Behind the WK Chariot hotel.

  --
|#26 |
  --
In the pizza joint.

  --
|#27 |
  --
Behind the stairs of apartment buildings next to the pizza place.

  --
|#28 |
  --
In the jewelry shop behind the counter

  / \
 /#29\
/_____\
Near the back door exit of Mercedes' house

  / \
 /#30\
/_____\
The second rooftop that you go on when you chase the guy in the mission "The
Chase"

  --
|#31 |
  --
East of the Pay N' Spray to the north, in a backyard.

  --
|#32 |
  --
By the inside part of the horseshoe looking structure.

  / \
 /#33\
/_____\
On the highest diving board at the WK Chariot hotel.

  --
|#34 |
  --
On the sidewalk right by the water, against the south side of a bridge leading
to Prawn Island.

  --
|#35 |
  --
Behind the sign that says Jocksport, by the RC Bandit track.

  --
|#36 |
  --
Behind apartments east of North Point Mall.

  --
|#37 |
  --
In a little dead end alley between the two northern most entrances of North
Point Mall

  / \
 /#38\
/_____\
Upstairs in the mall, east where there is a sign that has sales.

  / \
 /#39\
/_____\
Upstairs in the mall in a store called "Gash."

  --
|#40 |
  --
On the ground level of a carpark right by the North Point Mall.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Prawn Island
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  --
|#41 |
  --
In a dead-end alley on the east side of the island.

  / \
 /#42\
/_____\
In the film studio compound, on top of the blue building.

  --
|#43 |
  --
In the film studio, upstairs in the bathroom

  --
|#44 |
  --
On the western most porch of the green deserted house.

  --
|#45 |
  --
Inside the deserted house, on the first floor in the room with a broken wall,
drop in from the balcony.

~~~~~~~~~~~
Leaf Links
~~~~~~~~~~~

  --
|#46 |
  --
Under the bridge going to Vice Point

  --
|#47 |
  --
The furthest tee from the entrance of the driving range.

  --
|#48 |
  --
In a bunker on the west coast.

  --
|#49 |
  --
A very small island in the middle of a pond.

  --
|#50 |
  --
On the narrow bridge connecting the SOUTHERN islands, not the north ones.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Starfish Island
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  --
|#51 |
  --
In the mansion, by the pools, against the low wall with the stairs facing the
water.  By water, I don't mean the pools.

  --
|#52 |
  --
In an alley between your mansion and the neighbors' mansion.

  / \
 /#53\
/_____\
On the poolside balcony of a house with a pool of Rockstar.

  --
|#54 |
  --
The mansion across the street from your mansion, in the poolside Jacuzzi.

  --
|#55 |
  --
At the front door of the northeasternmost house.

~~~~~~~~~
Downtown
~~~~~~~~~

  --
|#56 |
  --
Do the G-Spotlight mission, and it is by the last building you go on.  It is in
a nook facing the water.

  --
|#57 |
  --
Right in front of a weird sculpture by the V.C.N. finance building.
(Thanks to a correction from soccerflame880)

  --
|#58 |
  --
Behind the Mars Cafe, use the alley of the save house to get there.

  --
|#59 |
  --
In the parking lot of the stadium, on the west side.

  --
|#60 |
  --
In the parking garage of the Hospital, in the lower one.

  / \
 /#61\
/_____\
Right by the helipad on the roof of the V.A.J. finance building.

  / \
 /#62\
/_____\
Behind a desk in the building where you first start the mission G-Spotlight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Haiti
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  --
|#63 |
  --
Behind the Moist Palms Hotel, by a gas steam thing.

  --
|#64 |
  --
Behind Phil's Place close to the water, on the edge of downtown.

  --
|#65 |
  --
Inside the shed at Phil's Place asset.

  --
|#66 |
  --
Behind the building north of Kaufman Cabs, down the small set of stairs.

  / \
 /#67\
/_____\
From the highway coming from downtown, turn on the first right and go until you
get to a corner.  That corner building has it on the roof.

  / \
 /#68\
/_____\
The closest house to Kaufman Cabs to the east, on the steps.

  --
|#69 |
  --
Behind Funeraria Romero by the skeleton grave

  / \
 /#70\
/_____\
Between the generators on the rooftop connecting the north side of Print Works
to another building north of it.  Use the northern stairs in Print Works to get
there.

  --
|#71 |
  --
Below the billboard saying "Life's a Bitch," in a corner behind a wooden fence,
east of Print Works.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Havana
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  --
|#72 |
  --
In the Laundromat.

  / \
 /#73\
/_____\
On porch of a house that's for sale, a daiquiri house, in the northern part of
the city

  --
|#74 |
  --
Across from Robina's Cafe behind a wall

  / \
 /#75\
/_____\
Right next to the Kaufman Cabs billboard, use the roof by it to get there.

  --
|#76 |
  --
In the doughnut shop

  / \
 /#77\
/_____\
On top of a big 4-story building with a red awning, use the sitars in the back
to get there.

  / \
 /#78\
/_____\
Upstairs in the Car Showroom

~~~~~~~~~
Viceport
~~~~~~~~~

  --
|#79 |
  --
In between 4 large fuel tanks in the airport parking lot.

  --
|#80 |
  --
Between two trailers in the airport parking lot.

  --
|#81 |
  --
In a parking lot between the green and white apartments, two-stories, and by
the shipyards.

  / \
 /#82\
/_____\
On the northeastern most cargo ship, again use a helicopter to get there
safely.

  --
|#83 |
  --
Under a sign that says Vice City Port Authority Main Building, a right angle
sign.

  / \
 /#84\
/_____\
On a cargo ship to the west of the southwesternmost island.  Use a
helicopter to get there.

  --
|#85 |
  --
Inside the Seaplanes Tours hangar, in an office.

  --
|#86 |
  --
In a corner of a fence and building, north of 8-Ball's shop

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Escobar International Airport
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  / \
 /#87\
/_____\
On top of the Vice City Freight and Cargo terminal.

  / \
 /#88\
/_____\
On the southernmost helipad

  / \
 /#89\
/_____\
On top of the hangar that is McAdam Airways.

  / \
 /#90\
/_____\
On top of the eastern end of the loading bridge

  / \
 /#91\
/_____\
On top of the same plane that had package 92

  --
|#92 |
  --
Under the southwestern-most airplane

  --
|#93 |
  --
Under the wing of a large Rockstar plane that is coming out of the hangar.

  --
|#94 |
  --
Behind the local fire station, it has a tower on it.

  --
|#95 |
  --
Inside the airport, behind a wall that has a pay phone on it.

  --
|#98 |
  --
Behind the billboards that lead to the airport.

  --
|#99 |
  --
In the northwest part, under an airplane.

  --
|#100 |
  --
Behind the sign that says Fort Baxter on it, it is by the entrance to Fort
Baxter.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                11.2 Directions
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Thanks to Minesweeper for the whole thing and THAguyINgta3 where noted by a
"*")

***********************************************************************
EASTERN VICE CITY PACKAGES
***********************************************************************

OCEAN BEACH
==================================
PACKAGE 1: IN THE MARINA'S PARKING GARAGE
Come into Ocean Beach via the bridge from Viceport.  Turn right at the first
intersection you come to.  Turn right again at the next intersection.  Follow
this road past a long white building on the right side of the road.  Turn onto
the driveway just past this building.  This is the place where Cortez gives out
his missions.  Turn into the parking garage on the right near where you enter
Cortez's meeting place.  The package is hidden in the left corner of this
garage.  Look for green lights to indicate where the package is.

PACKAGE 2: AT THE LIGHTHOUSE'S FRONT DOOR
Start at the Ocean View Hotel.  Look to the right across the beach from the
hotel's front door.  You should see the lightouse in the distance.  Go over to
it.  The package is at the entrance door on the bottom the lighthouse.

PACKAGE 3: BEHIND THE MANSION WITH THE HELIPAD
Start at the Ocean View Hotel.  Turn right and follow the road south.  Look for
a mansion on the left side of the road with a helipad.  It should be the only
building you see on that side of the road before you get to the marina.   The
package is to the right of the back door of this mansion.

PACKAGE 4: BEHIND THE WESTERN OCEAN VIEW MEDICAL FOUNDATION BUILDING
Come into Ocean Beach via the bridge from Viceport.  Make a right turn, and
make another right turn into the hospital's grounds.  Drive around behind the
hospital by going around the building's right side.  After you've turned left
into the area behind the hospital, you should see a tall white building next to
the edge of the island.  Look behind this building for the package.

PACKAGE 5: UNDER THE BRIDGE LEADING TO VICEPORT
Come into Ocean Beach via the bridge from Viceport.  Turn left after getting
off the bridge and get on the grass.  Look at the support column next to the
bridge, and you'll see a small walkway.  Follow this walkway under the bridge
and you'll find the package.

PACKAGE 6: ON ROOF OF BUILDING TO THE EAST OF WASHINGTON MALL*
Come into Ocean Beach via the bridge from Viceport.  Make a right turn at the
first intersection.  Take a left turn when you get to the next intersection.
At the next intersection, turn left again.  Do you see the two-story buildings
on your right?  The package is on the roofs of those buildings.  Use a
helicopter to get up there.

PACKAGE 7: ON ROCKS NEAR HOUSE PLATFORMS IN THE WATER*
Get a boat, and head to the south end of the central water channel.  You should
see several houses over the water when you're about to hit open sea.  One of
these house platforms has been destroyed.  The package is on the pile of rocks
in the water to the east of these houses.

VICE POINT
==================================
PACKAGE 8: ON A BOAT DOCK BEHIND APARTMENTS NORTH OF CONSTRUCTION SITES
Come into Washington Beach via the bridge from Starfish Island.  Make a left
turn at the first intersection you come to. After you pass the construction
site on the left, drive behind the white and gree apartment buildings just past
it.  The package is on a boat dock behind these buildings.

PACKAGE 9: INSIDE THE WELL-STACKED PIZZA RESTAURANT
Come into Vice Point via the bridge from Leaf Links.  Make a right turn at the
first intersection and follow the road until you come to where it comes to a T-
junction.  The Well-stacked Pizza restaurant should be on your left.  Walk
inside to get the package on the right side of the counter.

PACKAGE 10: BEHIND THE MALIBU CLUB
Come into Vice Point via the bridge from Leaf Links.  Drive straight down this
road until you come to a T-junction.  Turn right here.  Follow the road north.
Drive down the road until you see the Malibu Club on the left.  It's the
building at the place where the road makes an S-curve.  The package is hidden
in the parking lot behind the club.

PACKAGE 11: INSIDE THE JEWELRY STORE
Come into Vice Point via the bridge from Leaf Links.  Turn right onto the
second street that allows you a right turn.  The jewelry store should be on
your right after you make the turn.  Get the package from behind the counter in
here.

PACKAGE 12: BEHIND MERCEDES'S APARTMENT BUILDING, NEAR THE LEAF LINKS BRIDGE
Come into Vice Point via the bridge from Leaf Links.  Turn left into the
driveway of the building on the left.  Jump down to the lowest level of this
building's platforms.  Follow the walkway to the hidden package in front of
this building's service door.  It's on the north side of the building.

PACKAGE 13: ON ROOFTOPS NEAR LEAF LINKS BRIDGE
Come into Vice Point via the bridge from Leaf Links.  Drive past the first two
intersections, and look for stairs on an apartment building on the left.  Go
all the way up these stairs and walk through the door at the top.  Turn left
after going through the door, then turn right on the rooftop.  Jump down to the
next roof, and then turn around.  You'll see the package near a ramp here.

PACKAGE 14: IN FENCE CORNER OF GRASSY LOTS TO EAST OF PAY 'N' SPRAY*
Come into Vice Point via the bridge from Leaf Links.  Make a left turn at the
second intersection.  Turn into the second alley you see on the right.  Turn
into the third gap of the fence on the left.  The package is in the
northwestern corner of this lot, behind a palm tree.

PACKAGE 15: ON TOP OF GONZALES' APARTMENT BUILDING
It's helpful to get this package during the mission TREACHEROUS SWINE.  Come
into Vice Point via the bridge from Leaf Links.  Drive straight down this road
until you come to a T-junction.  Turn right here.  Follow the road north.  Go
to the first building on the left side of the road after you pass the Malibu
Club.  If you've already beaten the mission TREACHEROUS SWINE, you'll have to
get up to the roof in a helicopter.  The package is in a corner of the roof
opposite the roof entrance doors.

PACKAGE 16: BEHIND THE SPAND EXPRESS BUILDING
It's helpful to have beaten the mission RIOT before you go after this package.
Come into Vice Point via the bridge from Leaf Links.  Turn right at the first
intersection.  Drive down the road until it T's, then turn right and drive over
a bridge.  Turn left at the next intersection.  Make another left turn at the
next intersection.  Look on the right side of the road for an opening for a car
to go through.  There should be a SPAND EXPRESS sign next to the opening.
Drive through the gate in this lot in front of a warehouse.  Look behind the
warehouse for the package.  It's also possible to get into the Spand Express
lot before it opens by jumping with a bike from the third floor of the
construction building behind the warehouse.

PACKAGE 17: IN SOUTHWESTERN CORNER OF HOTEL'S COURTYARD*
Come into Vice Point via the bridge from Prawn Island.  Turn right onto the
first street that goes right.  When the road you're on comes to a
T-junction, turn left.  Drive up the stairs in front of the large hotel you're
in front of and head to the right.  The package is in the corner of the fence
in front of you.  It's colored similar to the plants it's in front of, so you
might not see it until it glows.

PACKAGE 18: ON TOP OF THE DIVING BOARDS AT A HOTEL'S SWIMMING POOL
Come into Vice Point via the bridge from Prawn Island.  Turn right onto the
first street that goes right.  When the road you're on comes to a
T-junction, turn left.  Drive up the stairs in front of the large hotel you're
in front of.  Go to the pool in the back of the hotel.  The package is on the
highest diving board above the pool.

PACKAGE 19: UNDERNEATH THE BRIDGE TO PRAWN ISLAND
Come into Vice Point via the bridge from Prawn Island.  Turn right onto the
first street that goes right.  When the road you're on comes to a
T-junction, turn right.  Look to the left side of the road when you're about to
go under the bridge to Prawn Island.  The package is next to the bridge's large
support column here.  It's behind some large bushes, so you'll need to be close
to see it.

PACKAGE 20: ON THE BOTTOM FLOOR OF NORTH POINT MALL'S PARKING GARAGE
Come into Vice Point via the bridge from Prawn Island.  Turn right onto the
first street that goes right.  Turn right again when you get to where the road
ends at a T-junction.  Drive down this road until you see North Point Mall's
parking garage on the right.  Take the right door into the garage.  The package
is around the corner to the right of this entrance.

PACKAGE 21: ON TOP OF GREEN APARTMENT BUILDING NEAR MALIBU CLUB
Start at your Ocean View hotel, and drive north down the beachfront street.  Go
around the corner you come to, and turn right at the intersection.  When you
get to the Malibu Club, the package will be on top of the green, blue and white
building across the street.  You'll need a helicopter to get up there so you
can get the package.

PACKAGE 22: BEHIND AN APARTMENT'S STAIRS NEAR WELL-STACKED PIZZA
Come into Vice Point via the bridge from Leaf Links.  Make a right turn at the
first intersection and follow the road until you come to where it comes to a T-
junction.  Take a left turn.  After you pass through the next intersection,
look behind the stairs on the apartment building to your left.  The package
should be back there.

PACKAGE 23: BEHIND YELLOW BUILDING ACROSS STREET FROM NORTH POINT MALL
Enter Vice Point via the bridge from Prawn Island.  Turn left onto the first
street that you can turn left on.  Turn left again.  The eastern entrance to
North Point Mall will be on your left.  On the right is the building you want
to look behind.  The package is on the small porch behind the building.

PACKAGE 24: BEHIND "JOCKSPORT" BILLBOARD AT DIRTBIKE TRACK
Enter Vice Point via the bridge from Prawn Island.  Turn left onto the first
street that you can turn left on.  Drive straight ahead through the bushes at
the T-junction you come to.  You'll get on the beach here.  The dirtbike track
will be on the right.  Look behind the "Jocksport" sign on the east side of the
track for the package.

PACKAGE 25: IN POOL AREA BEHIND "VICE POINT WK CHARRIOTT" HOTEL
Drive into Vice Point via the bridge from Leaf Links.  Drive straight on the
road until it comes to a T-junction.  Make a right turn here.  Look on the left
side of the road for a building that has a "VICE POINT WK CHARRIOTT" sign over
its front doors.  The package is at the pool area behind this building.
(Thanks to Ray Kremer for a correction)

PACKAGE 26: NORTHERN SIDE OF NORTH POINT MALL
Enter Vice Point via the bridge from Prawn Island.  Turn left onto the first
street that you can turn left on.  Turn left again.  The eastern entrance to
North Point Mall will be on your left.  Drive into the grassy area to the right
of the entrance.  Drive around to the northern side of the building.  The
package is in the alley between the two western entrances.

NOTE:
The rest of the packages in Vice Point are all in North Point Mall. I'll give
directions to the mall here so I won't have to repeat myself a few times.
Enter Vice Point via the bridge from Prawn Island.  Turn left onto the first
street that you can turn left on.  Turn left again.  The eastern entrance to
North Point Mall will be on your left.  Use the icons representing "Ammu-
Nation" and "Bunch of Tools" inside the mall to find where the mall is if
you're having trouble.

PACKAGE 27: ABOVE THE ESCELATORS ON THE SECOND FLOOR OF THE GASH STORE
Walk straight ahead through the food court in North Point Mall, and turn left
at the escelator.  Go inside the Gash store straight ahead.  It's behind the
two banks of escelators you can see on the far wall.  Go inside the store and
take the escelator in here to the upper floor.  The hidden package is behind
you, on a ledge above the escelators.

PACKAGE 28: IN FRONT OF A STORE WITH BIG "SALE" SIGNS
The package should be directly above you if you came in via the eastern
entrance.  Take an escalator up to the bridge in the middle of the mall, and
walk east towards the "SALE" store where the package is.

WASHINGTON BEACH
==================================
PACKAGE 29: IN POOL AREA OF PINK SKYSCRAPER
Start at the Ocean View Hotel.  Turn left from the entrance and head north.  At
the second intersection you come to, make a left turn.  After you cross through
another intersection, look on the right (thanks to my1995stang) side of the
road for a broad set of stairs.  A pink skyscraper should be past these stairs.
The package is in the pool area behind this building.

PACKAGE 30: ON ROOF OF DBP SECURITY*
Start at the Ocean Beach Hotel.  Turn left from the entrance and head north
down this street.  At the third intersection you come to on this road, make a
left turn.  The building on your left with the fenced lot before the T-junction
is the DBP Security building.  The package is on the roof of this building.
You can either jump up there with a motorcycle by using the nearby stairs as a
ramp, or you can use a helicopter.

PACKAGE 31: NEXT TO BRIDGE THAT'S NORTH OF KEN ROSENBURG'S OFFICE*
Come into Ocean Beach via the bridge from Viceport.  After you pass two
intersections on this road, you should come to a bridge. The package is
behind the right side of the bridge before you cross it.

PACKAGE 32: ON TOP OF TALL WHITE AND BLUE BUILDING SOUTH OF POLICE STATION
Come into Washington Beach via the bridge from Starfish Island.  Go straight on
the road you're on and you'll cross over a bridge.  Turn right when the road
T's after you cross the bridge.  Make a left turn at the next intersection.
The package is on the roof of the tall building on your right.   You'll need a
helicopter to get up there.

PACKAGE 33: IN AN APARTMENT COMPLEX'S SHOWER STALLS
Come into Washington Beach via the bridge from Starfish Island.  You should see
a set of stairs to the right just after getting off the bridge.  Go up these
stairs into an apartment complex.  On your right you should see a multicolored
structure.  The package is hidden in the peach-colored section of the building.
It's the section of the building nearest the stairs.

PACKAGE 34: NEXT TO A PINK BUILDING AT AN APARTMENT COMPLEX
Come into Washington Beach via the bridge from Starfish Island.  You should see
a set of stairs to the right just after getting off the bridge.  Go up these
stairs into an apartment complex.  In the middle of this area, there should be
a pink building.  The package is on the south side of this building.

PACKAGE 35: IN THE UPSTAIRS OFFICE OF THE POLICE STATION
It's helpful to unlock the cop uniform before going for this package.  Come
into Washington Beach via the brdige from Starfish Island.  Go straight down
this road and head over the bridge.  Make a left turn when the road T's, and
then turn right into the courtyard in front of the police station.  Head inside
the police station.

If you've unlocked the cop uniform, go into the locker room to the left and put
on the cop clothes so the police won't attack you.  Go into the corridor from
the central lobby, and walk down the hall.  Take the stairs up into the
upstairs office.  The package is hidden in the glass-windowed office across the
room from the stairs entrance.

PACKAGE 36: BEHIND THE 1102 WASHINGTON STREET BUILDING
Come into Washington Beach via the bridge from Starfish Island.  Turn right and
follow the road over a bridge.  Turn right into the lot of the first building
you see on the right side of the road.  It's the 1102 Washington Street
building that's across the street from Ken's office for reference.  The package
is on the porch on the back side of the 1102 Washington Street building.

PACKAGE 37: UNDERNEATH THE BRIDGE TO STARFISH ISLAND
Come into Washington Beach via the bridge from Starfish Island.  Immediately
after getting off the bridge, jump over the low wall on the left side of the
road to get into the construction site.  Walk to the western side of the
construction site so you're facing Starfish Island.  Turn to the left and walk
under the bridge to that island.  The package is underneath the bridge.

PACKAGE 38: ON THE END OF A LONG RED BEAM AT THE EASTERN CONSTRUCTION SITE
Come into Washington Beach via the bridge from Starfish Island.  Make a left
turn at the first intersection.  Turn right into the eastern construction site.
It's the one where Avery gives out his missions.  Use the ramps on the building
under construction to climb up to the second highest floor.  It's the one with
a yellow-orange floor sitting on red construction beams.  On the westernmost
part of this floor, you'll notice a red construction beam jutting out away
fromthe building, towards the other construction site.  Carefully walk down the
red beam to get the package.

PACKAGE 39: AT THE NORTHERNMOST LIFEGUARD HUT BEFORE THE BEACHFRONT HOTELS
Start at Ocean View Hotel.  Go into the park across the street, and head for
the northern part of the park.  Walk through the northernmost gap in the fence
and onto the beach.  The package is at the lifeguard station to the southeast
of your position here.

***********************************************************************
CENTRAL ISLANDS PACKAGES
***********************************************************************

LEAF LINKS
==================================
PACKAGE 40: ON THE BRIDGE LEADING TO LEAF LINKS' SOUTHERN ISLAND
Come into Leaf Links via the bridge from Vice Point.  Go inside the golf club
through the main entrance.  Use your map to get to the southern-most part of
the golf course.  The package is on the bridge leading to the southern island
of Leaf Links.

PACKAGE 41: UNDERNEATH THE BRIDGE TO VICE POINT
Come into Leaf Links via the bridge from Vice Point.  Go inside the golf club
through the main entrance.  Turn right from the entrance.  Follow the wall of
the building and then the hedge to an area underneath the bridge to Vice Point.
The package is here.

PACKAGE 42: AT THE GOLF RANGE
Come into Leaf Links via the bridge from Vice Point.  Go inside the golf club
through the main entrance.  Follow the path that leads north across a bridge.
Walk north across the grass to the golf range.  The package is on the lower
level of the golf range building.

PACKAGE 43: IN A SAND TRAP TO THE NORTHWEST OF THE MAIN ENTRANCE
Come into Leaf Links via the bridge from Vice Point.  Go inside the golf club
through the main entrance.  Turn left from the main entrance and follow the
road up some S-curves.  When you get to the end of the road, the package will
be in one of the sandtraps to your left.

PACKAGE 44: ON AN ISLAND IN THE PONDS
Come into Leaf Links via the bridge from Vice Point.  Go inside the golf club
through the main entrance.  Head for the southern half of the island and use
your radar to find the ponds on this part of the golf course.  An island in one
of the ponds has the package on it.

PRAWN ISLAND
==================================
PACKAGE 45: IN ALLEY OFF OF SOUTHERNMOST STREET
Come into Prawn Island via the bridge from Vice Point.  Turn left at the first
intersection.  You should be on the southernmost road on the island.  Look for
an alley on the right.  The package is at the end of this alley.

PACKAGE 46: BACK PORCH OF GREEN MANSION
Come into Prawn Island via the bridge from Vice Point.  Turn into the drive on
the right that passes in front of the mansions.  Go to the green mansion to the
northwest.  The hidden package is on the back porch of this mansion.

PACKAGE 47: INSIDE ROOM WITH BROKEN CEILING IN YELLOW MANSION
Come into Prawn Island via the bridge from Vice Point.  Turn into the drive on
the right that passes in front of the mansions.  Go to the yellow mansion to
the northeast.  Walk inside through the front door.  Go up the stairs onto the
balcony, and stand near where the balcony floor has collapsed.  Do you see the
room with the hole in the ceiling beneath you here?  The package is in that
room.  The easiest way to get in there is to jump from the southern side of the
gap in the balcony into the room.  Get the package in here, and use the pallets
stacked in here to get out again.

PACKAGE 48: INSIDE STUDIO C IN INTERGLOBAL FILMS
Come into Prawn Island via the bridge from Vice Point.  Make a left turn at the
second intersection.  Walk into the InterGlobal Films studio lot through the
front gate on your right.  Go into the first studio building on the right.
This is Studio C.  The package is to the left of the entrance.

PACKAGE 49: ON TOP OF BLUE BUILDING NEAR STAGE B IN INTERGLOBAL FILMS
Come into Prawn Island via the bridge from Vice Point.  Make a left turn at the
second intersection.  Walk into the InterGlobal Films studio lot through the
front gate on your right.  Go to the blue building you see to the left near
Stage B.  The hidden package is on top of the building.  Use a helicopter to
get up to the package.

ALTERNATE WALKTHROUGH:
There's a set of stairs between two buildings to the east of the blue building
the package is on.  Back a tall vehicle like a Gang Burrito to the top of the
stiars, and jump on top of it.  Use the vehicle to jump on the studio's outer
wall.  Turn to the left, and you should see a hump in the wall that's slightly
higher than the rest of the wall.  Stand on top of this hump to jump on top of
a building to the right of the wall.  The building you need to jump to is to
the west.  Make a running leap, and you might be able to get over there.

STARFISH ISLAND
==================================
PACKAGE 50: IN FRONT DOOR OF WHITE MANSION ON NORTHERN STREET
Come into Starfish Island via the bridge from Washington Beach.  Turn right at
the first intersection.  The second mansion on the right is the one that has
the package at its front door.

PACKAGE 51: IN HOT TUB OF CENTRAL EASTERN MANSION
Come into Starfish Island via the bridge from Washington Beach.  Go straight at
the first intersection.  The first mansion on the right is the one that you
want to go to.  Jump over the low fence, and go to the hot tub by the pool to
get the package.

PACKAGE 52: BACK PORCH OF CENTRAL WESTERN MANSION
Come into Starfish Island via the bridge from Little Havana.  Go straight at
the first intersection.  The first mansion on the left is the one you want to
go to.  Walk around the back of the mansion.  Take the stairs back here up to
the back porch of the mansion.  The package is on this balcony near the picnic
tables.
(Thanks to the correction from Russ Goodwin)

PACKAGE 53: EASTERN DOCK AT DIAZ'S ESTATE
Come into Starfish Island via the bridge from Washington Beach.  Go straight at
the first intersection.  Turn left into the front drive of Diaz's mansion.
Walk into the courtyard where a pool of water is.  Turn left here and walk
between some hedges and past two more pools to the eastern dock.  The package
is hidden on the right side of the stairs coming down to the dock.

PACKAGE 54: SOUTHWESTERN CORNER OF DIAZ'S ESTATE
Come into Starfish Island via the bridge from Washington Beach.  Go straight at
the first intersection.  Turn left into the front drive of Diaz's mansion.
Follow the fence behind the trees on the right.  You'll eventually come to the
back corner that the package is hidden in.

***********************************************************************
WESTERN VICE CITY PACKAGES
***********************************************************************

DOWNTOWN
==================================
PACKAGE 55: IN ALLEY BRANCHING FROM HYMAN CONDO ALLEY
Come into Downtown via the bridge from Vice Point.  Drive down this road until
it ends at the VRock building.  Turn to the right here.  Look on the right side
of the road for an alley.  It shouldn't be very far from where you turned.  In
the Hyman Condo alley, look for a passageway on the right side of the alley to
walk into.  The package is at the end of this alley.

PACKAGE 56: NEXT TO THE STRANGE STATUE AT V.A.J. FINANCE
Come into Downtown via the bridge from Vice Point.  Drive down this road until
it ends at the VRock building.  Turn to the right here.  Look on the right side
of the road for the Hyman Condo alley.  It shouldn't be very far from where you
turned.  Go through the alley and head straight when you get onto the road
again.  Follow this road a little while, and you should see a sign on the right
side of the road that says "V.A.J. FINANCE."  Look for a strange statue in the
middle of the building courtyard behind the sign.  The package is next to this
statue.

PACKAGE 57: IN AN UPSTAIRS OFFICE OF AN OFFICE BUILDING
If you've played G-SPOTLIGHT before, the package is in the office that has the
elevator you use to get to upper floors.  For those who don't know where that
is, drive into Little Haiti via the bridge from Leaf Links.  Jump off the
bridge onto the highway below.  Follow the highway north into Downtown.  Stay
on the right side of the road.

When you see the Greasy Chopper on the right, look on the left side of the road
for a set of concrete stairs leading onto a balcony of a skyscraper.  They are
past the set of wooden stairs on the left that you'll see going up to Skumole
Shack.  Once you find the concrete stairs, use them to get onto an upstairs
balcony.  Follow this balcony ledge, and eventually you'll see an office on
your left through a glass window.  Go inside this office.  The package is
behind an office desk in here.

PACKAGE 58: UNDERNEATH THE VCN BUILDING'S HELIPAD
Come into Downtown via the bridge from Prawn Island.  The first building on the
right after you get off the bridge is the VCN building.  There should be a door
down here that will take you straight to the rooftop.  Head up the ramp to the
helipad.  The package is on your left just before you get onto the helipad from
the ramp.

PACKAGE 59: ON THE LOWER LEVEL OF THE AMBULANCE PARKING LOT AT THE HOSPITAL
Come into Downtown via the bridge from Prawn Island.  Follow this road until it
comes to a T-junction.  The last building on the left before the intersection
is the hospital.  Look at the lower level of the parking lot near the ambulance
for the package.

PACKAGE 60: BEHIND BUILDING NORTH OF BRIDGE TO PRAWN ISLAND
Come into Downtown via the bridge from Prawn Island.  Get on the street beneath
the bridge.  If you're facing Prawn Island from under the bridge, the package
is behind the building to the left of the bridge.

PACKAGE 61: ON THE SOUTHWESTERN SIDE OF THE STADIUM
Come into Downtown via the bridge from Prawn Island.  Follow this road until it
comes to a T-junction.  Make a right turn here, then make a left turn at the
next intersection.  Drive along the southern side of the stadium.  You should
see the package next to the wall of the stadium in a corner somewhere if you
keep your eyes peeled for it.

PACKAGE 62: IN SOUTHWESTERN CORNER OF MOIST PALMS HOTEL LOT, BEHIND RAMP
Come into Little Haiti via the bridge from Leaf Links.  Jump off the bridge on
the right side and follow the highway north.  Before the highway roads split
off into two different directions, look on the left side of the road for a
large building that has the sign "Moist Palms Hotel" next to it.  The hidden
package is in the southwestern corner of the hotel's fenced lot.  Look behind
the ramp that you find there.

PACKAGE 63: ON NORTHWEST CORNER OF DOCK BEHIND PHIL'S PLACE*
Come into Little Haiti via the bridge from Leaf Links.  Jump off the bridge on
the right side and follow the highway north.  Look on the left side of the road
for a building painted green on the bottom.  Walk around behind the building
via the space on the north side of it.  From here, walk west.  You'll walk onto
an old cobble-stoned dock.  The package is on the northwest corner of this
dock.

ESCOBAR INTERNATIONAL
==================================
PACKAGE 64: ON TOP OF THE PASSENGER TERMINAL'S EASTERN BOARDING RAMP
Start at the bridge in Viceport that comes from Ocean Beach.  Turn left onto
the highway, and turn right at the intersection.  Follow this road into Escobar
International.  Keep driving down the road and you should see the passenger
terminal on the left.  Turn onto the airfield through the gate on the left
that's just before the terminal.  Go to the eastern boarding ramp next to the
terminal.  The package is at the end of this ramp.  Use a helicopter or the
nearby Packer to get up there.

PACKAGE 65: UNDERNEATH THE SOUTHWESTERN PLANE AT THE WESTERN BOARDING RAMP*
Start at the bridge in Viceport that comes from Ocean Beach.  Turn left onto
the highway, and turn right at the intersection.  Follow this road into Escobar
International.  Keep driving down the road and you should see the passenger
terminal on the left.  Turn onto the airfield through the gate on the left
that's just before the terminal.  Go to the western boarding ramp next to the
terminal.  The package is underneath the southwestern jet.

PACKAGE 66: ABOVE THE SOUTHWESTERN PLANE AT THE WESTERN BOARDING RAMP*
Start at the bridge in Viceport that comes from Ocean Beach.  Turn left onto
the highway, and turn right at the intersection.  Follow this road into Escobar
International.  Keep driving down the road and you should see the passenger
terminal on the left.  Turn onto the airfield through the gate on the left
that's just before the terminal.  Go to the western boarding ramp next to the
terminal.  The package is above the southwestern jet.  Use a helicopter to get
up there, or use the nearby Packer.

PACKAGE 67: ON PASSENGER TERMINAL'S ROOF*
Start at the bridge in Viceport that comes from Ocean Beach.  Turn left onto
the highway, and turn right at the intersection.  Follow this road into Escobar
International.  Keep driving down the road and you should see the passenger
terminal on the left.  Notice how the roof of the building has three "waves."
The package is between the central and western wave.  You can either get up
there using the nearby Vice Surf sign as a ramp, or you can use a helicopter.

PACKAGE 68: BEHIND THE FIRE BUILDING ON THE AIRFIELD
Start at the bridge in Viceport that comes from Ocean Beach.  Turn left onto
the highway, and turn right at the intersection.  Follow this road into Escobar
International.  Keep driving down the road and you should see the passenger
terminal on the left.  Turn onto the airfield gate on the left that's just
before the terminal.  Follow the terminal's glass wall on the right, and you
should see the tall control tower to the west.  Drive over to it.  Just to the
west of this control tower, you should see a small building with a little glass
observation tower on top of it.  The package is behind this building.

PACKAGE 69: UNDER A JUMBO JET IN A HANGAR ON THE AIRFIELD
Start at the bridge in Viceport that comes from Ocean Beach.  Turn left onto
the highway, and turn right at the intersection.  Follow this road into Escobar
International.  Keep driving down the road and you should see the passenger
terminal on the left.  Turn onto the airfield through the gate on the left
that's just before the terminal.  Follow the terminal's glass wall on the
right, and you should see the tall control tower to the west.  Drive over to
it.  To the southwest of this control tower, you should see airplane hangars.
One of these has a large jumbo jet in it.  The package is underneath that
plane.

PACKAGE 70: BEHIND A WALL IN THE PASSENGER TERMINAL
Start at the bridge in Viceport that comes from Ocean Beach.  Turn left onto
the highway, and turn right at the intersection.  Follow this road into Escobar
International.  Keep driving down the road and you should see the passenger
terminal on the left.  Walk inside the terminal.  Notice the gray walls in
front of the large glass window on the other side of the room.  The package is
behind the northernmost wall.

PACKAGE 71: IN GATE 1-8 IN THE PASSENGER TERMINAL
Start at the bridge in Viceport that comes from Ocean Beach.  Turn left onto
the highway, and turn right at the intersection.  Follow this road into Escobar
International.  Keep driving down the road and you should see the passenger
terminal on the left.  Walk inside the terminal.  Take the escalator to the
second floor of the terminal, and walk inside Gate 1-8 on the south side of the
terminal.  The package will be to the right at the end of the passageway.

PACKAGE 72: ON TOP OF BLUE WAREHOUSE IN AIRFIELD, NEAR FREIGHT TERMINAL
Start at the bridge in Viceport that comes from Ocean Beach.  Turn left onto
the highway, and turn right at the intersection.  Follow this road through the
first intersection, and make a left turn when you come to the fork past the
overhead directions sign.  At the end of this road, you should see a gate on
your right.  From the gate, you should see a blue warehouse-type building on
the right.  The package is on top of this blue building.  Use the nearby ramp
to get up there.

PACKAGE 73: AT THE HELIPORT IN THE AIRFIELD
Start at the bridge in Viceport that comes from Ocean Beach.  Turn left onto
the highway, and turn right at the intersection.  Follow this road through the
first intersection, and make a left turn when you come to the fork past the
overhead directions sign.  At the end of this road, you should see a gate on
your right.  From the gate, drive to the left, past the cargo containers.  The
heliport should be in front of you.  Go up there and get the package on top of
it.

PACKAGE 74: ON TOP OF THE FREIGHT AND CARGO TERMINAL
Start at the bridge in Viceport that comes from Ocean Beach.  Turn left onto
the highway, and turn right at the intersection.  Follow this road through the
first intersection, and make a left turn when you come to the fork past the
overhead directions sign.  At the end of this road, you'll see the cargo
terminal.  The package is on the roof of this building.  You can either use a
helicopter or use the ramps in the cargo lot to the right to jump up there.

PACKAGE 75: BEHIND A "LIBERTY CITY" BILLBOARD
Come into Little Havana via the bridge to Starfish Island.  Turn left onto the
highway.  Turn right at the first intersection you come to.  Follow this road
until it turns right.  Drive into the alley behind the buildings after the
right turn.  Back here, you should see a hole in a fence that will let you get
behind the airport's billboards.  Follow the line of billboards north.  The
package is behind the third last billboard in the line.

PACKAGE 76: UNDERNEATH A JUMBO JET IN THE NORTHERN PART OF THE AIRFIELD
Make a left turn at the next intersection.  On your right you should see a gate
leading into a part of the airfield.  Turn into there, and follow the airplane
road.  The last airplane at the end of the road is where the package is.

PACKAGE 77: BEHIND THE AIR BASE'S SIGN
It would be a good idea to put on a cop uniform before you try to get this
package.  Start at the bridge in Viceport that comes from Ocean Beach.  Turn
left onto the highway, and turn right at the intersection.  Follow this road
into Escobar International.  Drive straight on this road and don't turn onto
any side roads.  When you get to the grassy area past the chain-link fence
street, make a right turn at the first intersection.  Drive down this road.
After it curves to the left, make a right turn.  Eventually you should see the
air base on the right.  Look behind the sign to the left of the entrance to
find the package.

LITTLE HAITI
==================================
PACKAGE 78: IN THE BARN AT PHIL'S PLACE
Come into Little Haiti via the bridge from Leaf Links.  Jump off of the bridge
to the right onto the highway.  Turn left at the first set of stoplights you
come to.  When the road goes left, keep going straight into an alley.  This
alley leads to Phil's Place.  You can use the icon on your map if you can't
find the place.

PACKAGE 79: IN THE ALLEY BEHIND FUNERARIA ROMERO
Come into Little Haiti via the bridge from Leaf Links.  Jump off of the bridge
to the right onto the highway.  Turn left at the first set of stoplights you
come to.  Follow this road until you see Well-stacked Pizza on the left.
Funeraria Romero will be the building just past it.  There should be a small
alley on the front of this building.  Go down to the end of it, and you'll find
the package.

PACKAGE 80: ON TOP OF AN APARTMENT BUILDING TO THE NORTH OF THE PRINT WORKS
Start from the bridge leading to Little Havana from Starfish Island.  Turn
right and drive down the highway a little.  You should see a building with an
"El Banco Corrupto Grande" sing over the entrance.  Turn left onto the street
just past the building.  The Print Works is the large yellow warehouse you can
see in front of you now.

Walk to the northwest corner of the Print Works' lot.  There will be a
Wooden fence there that you can walk through.  Go to the northeastern corner of
this lot.  Walk into the alley the passageway there leads you to.  Turn right
when you come into this alley, and there will be a set of stairs at the end of
it.  Go up the stairs and you'll be on the roof of an apartment building.  The
package is on this roof, and it's hidden in the middle of some air conditioning
units.

PACKAGE 81: AT THE BASEMENT DOOR OF A BUILDING NEAR PHIL'S PLACE
Come into Little Haiti via the bridge from Leaf Links.  Jump off of the bridge
to the right onto the highway.  Turn left at the first set of stoplights you
come to.  When the road turns to the left, look behind the red and yellow
building on the left side of the road.  Run straight down the alley into a lot.
There should be a set of stairs going down to a basement door of a white and
purple building here.  Get the package at the basement door.

PACKAGE 82: BENEATH THE "LITTLE HAITI" BILLBOARD
Start from the bridge leading to Little Havana from Starfish Island.  Turn
right and drive down the highway a little.  You should see a building with an
"El Banco Corrupto Grande" sing over the entrance.  Turn left onto the street
just past the building.  At the first intersection you come to, you should see
the "LITTLE HAITI" billboard on the right.  Look in the bushes beneath the sign
for the package.

PACKAGE 83: ON TOP OF ROOFTOP NEAR LITTLE HAITI CHOPPER CHECKPOINT
Drive into Little Haiti via the bridge from Leaf Links.  Jump off the bridge
onto the highway below.  Turn left at the first intersection you come to.
After you pass the first intersection on this road, there should be some stores
on the right with red white and blue fronts.  The package is on top of these
stores.  Use a helicopter or the jump behind the stores to get up to there.
The package is on the roof of the store with no billboard.

PACKAGE 84: ON TOP OF STAIRS IN ABANDONDED APARTMENTS NEAR KAUFMAN CABS
Come into Little Haiti via the bridge from Leaf Links.  Make a left turn at the
first intersection.  Go straight through the first intersection on this street.
When you get to the second intersection, look to the right.  You should see an
alley with some tall grass in it.  This is the area where the abandoned
apartments are.  Most of the buildings in this area have stairs leading to
their second floors.  The package is at the top of the stairs of one of the
apartments next to the Kaufman Cab building.

LITTLE HAVANA
==================================
PACKAGE 85: BEHIND A RACK OF CLOTHES IN THE LAUNDROMAT
Come into Little Havana via the bridge to Starfish Island.  Across the street,
you should see the West Haven Community Healthcare Center to the right.  Take
the street to the right of the hospital.  Turn right when the street ends.
Turn left with the road, and keep going straight until the road you're on turns
left again.  The Laundromat will be on your right just before the turn.  The
package is hidden behind a rack of clothes that's behind the counter.

PACKAGE 86: BEHIND THE COUNTER IN THE DELICATESSEN
Come into Little Havana via the bridge to Starfish Island.  Turn left onto the
highway.  The Delicatessen will be on the right street corner at the first
intersection you come to.  Look behind the counter for the package.

PACKAGE 87: ON THE SECOND FLOOR OF SUNSHINE AUTOS
Start at the bridge in Viceport that leads to Ocean Beach.  Turn left at the T-
junction you come to.  In a little bit, you should see a road on the right.
Turn onto this street and go down it.  At the intersection you come to next,
make a right turn.  Look for the "Sunshine Autos" sign on the right and head
into the car showroom behind it.  The package is on the second floor of the
building.

PACKAGE 88: ON THE PORCH OF A BLUE-GREEN HOUSE
Start from the bridge leading to Little Havana from Starfish Island.  Turn
right and drive down the highway a little.  You should see a building with an
"El Banco Corrupto Grande" sing over the entrance.  Turn left onto the street
just past the building.  Follow this road straight until you come to a T-
junction.  Make a right turn here.  The house you are looking for is the blue
one on the left just past the first intersection you come to.

PACKAGE 89: IN GARBAGE ALLEY NEAR CAFE ROBINA
Come into Little Havana via the bridge to Starfish Island.  Turn left onto the
highway.  Turn right at the first intersection you come to.  Follow this road
until it gets to the second right turn.  Drive straight ahead at this turn into
an alley.  Go into the lot on the right side of this alleyway.  The package is
in this garbage place.

PACKAGE 90: ON ROOF OF BUILDING NEAR CAFE ROBINA
Come into Little Havana via the bridge to Starfish Island.  Turn left onto the
highway.  Turn right at the first intersection you come to.  When the road
you're on makes a right turn, look on the left side of the road for a building
with a red and white awning.  The package is on top of this building.  Use the
stairs behind the building to get up there.

PACKAGE 91: ON LEDGE IN FRONT OF "KAUFMAN CABS" BILLBOARD*
Come into Little Havana via the bridge from.  Turn left onto the highway.  Turn
right at the first intersection you come to. After you pass two right turns,
look on the right side of the road for an empty lot.  The "Kaufman Cabs"
billboard is above this lot.  Land a helicopter on the roof next to the sign,
and then walk across the ledge in front of the sign to get the package.

VICEPORT
==================================
PACKAGE 92: IN FRONT OF A WAREHOUSE NEAR 8 BALL'S BOMB SHOP
Start at the bridge in Viceport that leads to Ocean Beach.  Turn left onto the
highway, and then turn right at the first intersection you come to.  Turn left
at the next intersection.  When you see a blue and white warehouse on your
right, make a right turn and go through the gate you see.  The package is in
front of the entrance door at the end of the warehouse on your right.

PACKAGE 93: IN THE PARKING LOT ON THE WAY TO THE AIRPORT
Start at the bridge in Viceport that comes from Ocean Beach.  Turn left onto
the highway, and turn right at the intersection.  After you pass the next
intersection, you should start seeing chainlink fences on both sides of the
road.  Watch the right side of the road for an entrance into a parking lot.
The package is in this lot.  It's between two trailers in the southwest corner
of the lot.

PACKAGE 94: INSIDE THE SEAPLANE HANGAR'S OFFICE
Start at the bridge in Viceport that comes from Ocean Beach.  Turn left onto
the highway, and turn right at the intersection.  Follow this road through the
first intersection, and make a left turn when you come to the fork past the
overhead directions sign.  Make another left turn at the next fork in the road.
Look for a small door leading into a building on the left.  When you go inside,
you should see a small building on your left.  Go inside this little office
within this hangar to find the package.

PACKAGE 95: BEHIND THE "VICE CITY PORT AUTHORITY" SIGN
Start at the bridge in Viceport that comes from Ocean Beach.  Turn left onto
the highway, and stay on the right side of the road.  Follow this street until
it ends at a T-junction.  The sign the package is behind will be on your right
here.

PACKAGE 96: ON EAST SIDE OF NORTHEASTERN CARGO SHIP*
Come into Viceport via the bridge from Ocean Beach.  Turn left onto the highway
and get on the left side of the road.  After you pass through the dock's gates,
look for a boat on the left that's white and blue.  This is the boat you want
to get on.  Board the boat via the ramp nearest the gates.  Go through one of
the passageways to the east side of the boat.  There should be some containers
blocking off this walkway.  The package is on the north side of these
containers.

PACKAGE 97: ON WEST END OF SOUTHEASTERN CARGO SHIP*
Come into Viceport via the bridge from Ocean Beach.  Turn left onto the highway
and get on the left side of the road.  After the road you're on makes a sharp
right turn behind a warehouse, look for a blue and white ship on the left side
of the road.  The hidden package is on this ship.  The package is at
thenortheastern corner of the ship's control bridge.  The bridge is to the
west.

PACKAGE 98: IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PIPING FACILITY
Come into Viceport via the bridge from Ocean Beach.  Turn left onto the
highway, and turn right at the next intersection.  Drive down this road and
don't go onto any side streets.  Eventually, you'll come to an area where
chain-link fences are on both sides of the road.  Look on the right side of a
road for a building that says "VICE CITY TRANSPORT POLICE" on it.  Drive around
the right side of the building.  Head to the right more after you pass the
building, and you'll see an area with four large storage silos.  The package is
next to a pipe in the middle of these four silos.

PACKAGE 99: IN THE WHITE AND GREEN APARTMENT*
Come into Viceport via the bridge from Ocean Beach.  Turn left onto the
highway.  Notice the apartments on the right side of the road.  Also notice
that they're divided into three-walled "blocks" as I call them.  If you count
the last two-walled block, the package is hidden in the third from last block
nearest the docks.

PACKAGE 100: ON A DESTROYED HOUSE PLATFORM IN THE WATER
Get a boat, and head to the south end of the central water channel.  You should
see several houses over the water when you're about to hit open sea.  One of
these house platforms has been destroyed.  The package is on the upper floor of
that one.

(Thanks again to Minesweeper for letting me use this from his FAQ)

===============================================================================

                          -= 12.0 Unique Jumps =-

===============================================================================
(Thanks to the Brady Games strategy guide for some of this information)

There are 36 Unique Jumps in Vice City.  I will divide them up by regions in
Vice City.  Here we go!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE MAINLAND
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Downtown
--------

 /\
/__\ #1 - Jump from the ramp on top of the to the roof of the Secondhand
Circuitry building.

 __
|__| #2 - Jump from the large set of stairs and land on the building that
includes AmmuNation.

 /\
/__\ #3 - Last jump on the high-rise, to the spotlight roof.

 /\
/__\ #4 - Use a PCJ 600 to smash through the glass in the middle of a large,
white, window filled building facing west.  Land in a courtyard in the building
across the street.


Little Haiti
------------

 __
|__| #5 - Turn on the first right off the main highway coming from downtown.
Pass the first street, and use the alley ramp to jump through the storage
containers onto the Riverside Pavilion rooftop.

 __
|__| #6 - Turn left from where you landed and head straight until you see a
wooden ramp on a crate in a grassy alley, jump it going over the school bus and
the house and landing safely.

 __
|__| #7 - From there turn right, and look on your right for a ramp inbetween 2
crates and jump over the water and land for credit.


Little Havana
-------------

 /\
/__\ #8 - There is a slope on a rooftop on the roof of Calle 8 Cafeteria, but
you need to go back a couple of stores to find a way to get on the rooftop,
then you need to jump from roof to roof until you get to it.

Escobar International Airport
-----------------------------

 __
|__| #9 - Towards the eastern side of the airport.  As you turn right from the
road to get in, the fence you need to jump over is on the left.  You need to
get into this airport/hangar type place and jump the fence using the mobile
stairs.

 __
|__| #10 - As you land, turn left and follow that road left.  When you get to
the intersection stay on this road.  You need to get into the lot on your
right.  Once you are in there, you need to use the billboard as a ramp to get
to the roof of the terminal.

 __
|__| #11 - Go back from there past jump #9 and use the striped ramps to jump
all the way over the fence into the street.

 __
|__| #12 - To get to this place, which holds jumps 12-16, go back to the
directions to #10.  From there keep on going and look left, you need to get
into that large hangar place.  Towards the eastern side, there are mobile
stairs this time to jump over a loading bridge, heading east.

 __
|__| #13 - On the westernmost bridge, there are mobile stairs.  Hit that jump
going east.  Go over the bridge to get the money.

 __
|__| #14 - Same jump as #13, except it is south and going west.  Hit the jump
and clear the bridge.

 __
|__| #15 - Towards the southern part of the hangar area there is a runway
directions sign on the ground.  The ground is sort of raised, so you have a
jump.  Hit that jump and jump the radar building.

 __
|__| #16 - Right next to the radar building, there is more mobile stairs.  I'm
not quite sure what you have to jump over, just jump as high as you can.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
STARFISH ISLAND
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 __
|__| #17 - On the northern coast of the island, opposite the mansion, there is
a house.  To get there, coming from the east, turn right on the first road and
it is the second house you see, close to the intersection.  Anyway, on the
south side of this house there is a set of stairs.  You need lots of speed-up
area for this jump, so get lots of it.  I also recommend using a PCJ-600.  You
need to jump over the hedges and into the neighbors' yard.

~~~~~~~~~~
THE BEACH
~~~~~~~~~~

Vice Point
----------

 __
|__| #18 - Coming north from Washington Beach, on the road farthest west going
into Vice Point, there is a jump.  Following this road, you should see the
Malibu up ahead.  Off to the left, you should see a ramp leading into the
river, or over.  You know what to do.

 __
|__| #19 - Follow the same directions as the last jump, except this time as
soon as you pass the bridge, you should see a ramp facing the opposite way.
You need to hit that ramp and go over the bridge going south.

 /\
/__\ #20 - This one is kind of tricky.  Get to the construction site, and head
to the top level.  Follow along a girder in the northern part of the top level,
and it sort of angles upward.  Go along that, I recommend a PCJ 600, and jump
off to get credit.  It is narrow so be careful.

Washington Beach
----------------

 __
|__| #21 - Coming from Starfish Island, after the second turn you should see a
dirt mound on your right.  You need to build up enough speed to jump over the
channel to the island going from east to west.

 __
|__| #22 - Pretty much the opposite of the last jump.  You need to jump over
the channel the other way, using a cement ramp.  In the process of the jump you
should pass over jump #21.

 __
|__| #23 - Coming south from Vice Point with the river on your right, passing
the Malibu, you should come to the first intersection in Washington Beach, and
off to your left, is a wooden ramp.  You need to hit it and jump over the roof
and land on the second roof.

 ____
 __
|__| #24 - In the same alley as the last jump, you should see a set of stairs,
use them as a jump to jump across the street.  If you remember this and it
helps, it is where you used a vantage point for Diaz's mission "Guardian
Angels."

 __
|__| #25 - The opposite side of the last jump, where Lance was standing in
"Guardian Angels."  You need to land in the grass of the police station across
the street.

 __
|__| #26 - Father down the alley from all of these last few jumps, is a set of
metal stairs, but they are a lot wider than the other stairs.  Sail over the
street and land on the building across the street.

 __
|__| #27 - Father down the same alley as the last jump, towards the main
street, is a bunch of boxes or something pilled up on the ground.  All you need
to do is go fast enough to trigger the slow animation and you will get credit.

Ocean Beach
-----------

 /\
/__\ #28 - Along he northern part of Ocean Beach, on the street that splits the
2 counties going from west to east, is a 2-story white building.  Get to the
roof, then going north, jump from it using the vents and land on the shorter
roof across the street.

 /\
/__\ #29 - From that roof facing the street go on the street turn right then
left.  You should see a car park type place; go up the spiral "stairs" to get
to an open area.  You should see a shotgun pickup.  Anyway going east on the
side of the pickup, you should see a jump with an arrow.  Use that to fly
across the street and land on the roof of the Beach Scooter store.

 __
|__| #30 - Driving along the eastern coast from Washington Beach to Ocean
Beach, turn right into an alley, that is in line with another street east.
Look to the right to see some more boxes set on top of each other.  Get enough
speed and use that as a jump to land on the rooftop of the building on the left
side of the alley.

 /\
/__\ #31 - From jump #29 on the roof of the store, head south on that road
going north and south.  Go up to the top of the Cone Crazy building on the left
after the first intersection and hit the jump on top, going south, on to the
roof of the Collar & Cuffs store.

 __
|__| #32 - Across the street from the Cone Crazy building is a white building
that is sitting on stilts and there are stairs right by it.  Use them to jump
over the building all the way to the pink roof of the apartments.  Use the
alley behind it to get as much speed as possible.

 /\
/__\ #33 - Right from that last jump keep on going and go off the jump on the
roof of the pink apartments.  Fly over the street onto the roof of the next
building or a long ways to get credit.

 __
|__| #34 - Go west from here down by the docks.  On the northern docks, use a
PCJ 600, or something with good acceleration, and jump from the northern dock
to the southern dock.

 __
|__| #35 - This is also by the docks, but this one is on the middle docks, or
southern docks.  Coming from the last jump, continue on from that on the wooden
planks and use the wooden jump to reach the southernmost dock.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PRAWN ISLAND
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 /\
/__\ #36 - Whew!  This is the last one.  In the southern part of Prawn Island,
driving from Vice Point going east turn left on the first road on the island.
On this road in the southernmost corner, is a building with a ramp on it.  Get
to the top of it using a PCJ 600 and there are stairs behind the building.  Hit
the ramp to go over the wall of the film studio and into the back lot to get
credit.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Here is another look at the Unique Jumps, thanks to Psy for all of this next
information.  His numbers do not correspond to mine; the Brady numbers of his
however do correspond to mine.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

=====================================================================
Unique Jumps
=====================================================================

*NOTE*

I have done the jumps in order of how you could complete them, e.g. you start
on the East Island, and so I have started there. However, a number of people
have used the Brady guide, which starts on the West Island, so I included their
location next to my Jump Numbers (that's why they start on jump 34).

*********************************************************************
A. East Island
*********************************************************************

_____________
Unique Jump 1 (Brady Games Unique Jump 34)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

From Ammu-Nation head [SOUTH]. When you reach the end and are facing water turn
right, you should now be heading [NORTH WEST]. A short way along you will
notice that the ground has changed colour to yellow and you may now see the
docks. So drive down to there. You will see 2 gates leading to the piers, but
only one opens, and that's once you beat the first batch of Colonel Cortez's
missions.

Enter the most Northern Gate (if you can) and reach the middle of the pier.
You will see a ramp. You're aim is to hit this ramp and jump across the water
to the next pier. Reverse as far back as possible then speed for the jump which
leads [SOUTH]. You should make it quite easily if you are in a fast car.

As soon as you land don't stop, if you are facing [SOUTH] still, keep hard on
the gas and hit the next ramp for the next jump. To help with the jump you
sometimes find a PCJ 600 parked on the walkway in between the two gates.

_____________
Unique Jump 2 (Brady Games Unique Jump 35)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

Follow the above instructions for [JUMP 1], and as soon as you land keep hard
on the gas, you will have to hit another gap, which is bigger than the one you
just cleared. You should manage to make it easily though. Once you land this
time, try to stop. To get back to land there is one more jump heading [EAST],
however this is not a unique jump.

_____________
Unique Jump 3 (Brady Games Unique Jump 32)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

From Ammu-Nation head [NORTH], take the second right and once there you will
see a large white parking lot type thing on you're right. If you turn in here
you will see the stairway that you are jumping from. You are jumping [SOUTH].
Luckily, there is an alley in between some houses north of the jump, so reverse
up there and speed to the stairs.

You have to clear the first rooftop and land on the second, pink roof. You will
have to use this jump in the mission PCJ Playground, so its a good idea to get
used to jumping it. To help with the jumps, you sometimes find a PCJ 600 parked
in a corner of the lot.

_____________
Unique Jump 4 (Brady Games Unique Jump 33)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

Follow the above steps for [JUMP 3], but as soon as you land on the Pink
rooftop you will be facing, or near to a vent in the roof. You have to hit this
vent and jump to the next roof. The best way to do it is hit [JUMP 3] slightly
to the left then you will land almost perfectly online with the jump. Just
clear the road, and make contact with the roof opposite to clear the jump.

_____________
Unique Jump 5 (Brady Games Unique Jump 31)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

From you're hotel face [SOUTH] and make the first right, make a right when you
reach the end of this street and a short way on the left you will see an
opening. Head along here and turn right, into the multi storey car park. Follow
it up to the roof, then position yourself in the [NORTH WEST] Corner but facing
[SOUTH].

Speed at the stone jump and you should easily clear the street and make it to
the top of the next rooftop to pass this jump. If you want to keep you're car,
I suggest slamming both the handbrake and normal brakes as you land, because
you're momentum will take you off the roof.

_____________
Unique Jump 6 (Brady Games Unique Jump 30)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

From you're hotel, facing [SOUTH], make a right, then as soon as you see it,
make a right into the alley. Speed along this alley heading [NORTH] and when
you reach the end of this section you will see a small wooden box which you
will jump from.

You're aim is the roof on the other side of the road, and slightly to the left,
so position yourself on the run up and hit it. You shouldn't have too many
problems. I suggest using a PCJ 600 for this jump.

_____________
Unique Jump 7 (Brady Games Unique Jump 27)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

If you followed the guide so far and hit [JUMP 6], you will be on a rooftop.
Jump down into the alley and head along it to the [NORTH]. When you reach the
road you will see another wooden box which this jump is from.

Head along to the [NORTH], and when you think you are far enough along, turn,
facing [SOUTH], and hit the jump with some power. This time however, you are
not aiming for the rooftop opposite, you're aiming for the Alley. Try to jump
past the wooden pole on the right and that usually does the job well enough.

If you tap the wall on the right a second before hitting the jump it will
position you so that you are ready to jump straight. I suggest using a PCJ 600
for this jump.

_____________
Unique Jump 8 (Brady Games Unique Jump 26)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

After [JUMP 7] make a 180, and head back up the alley [NORTH]. Eventually you
will reach another road, and across it will be another alley.  To the left of
this alley, from you're perspective is a stairway. You guessed it, this is
where you are jumping from. I suggest heading along the alley across the road
[NORTH] to the next road, then turn around and hit the jump heading [SOUTH].

You have to land on the rooftop slightly to the right, which shouldn't be too
hard if you've got the hang of jumping and you are using the PCJ 600, like a
good boy... or girl.

To hit this jump well, follow the black track in the middle of the alley, and
just as you hit the staircase tap right which should point you in the right
direction for this one.

_____________
Unique Jump 9 (Brady Games Unique Jump 24)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

After [JUMP 8], get back into the alley, and head [NORTH] once again. Keep
going along until you see not one, but two stairways! (I know what you're
thinking TWO STAIRWAYS!!!, but yes, i guess Rockstar North wanted to make this
the best game ever :p) the one you are hitting here is the one on the right.

If you look carefully you are actually jumping [WEST] this time, so you should
be able to tell that you will need a big run up. Go [EAST] and towards the
beach, and when you get there make a 180 and hit the jump hard. You have to hit
the wall of the police building for this to count, not the tree as many
people's attempts end up.

I have also just worked out that landing on the grass past the tree causes this
jump to be passed too. It is quite tricky, but once you know what you are
doing, its all about whether you can hit the jump right. I suggest using a PCJ
600 for this jump.

*If I Can Work Out A Better Technique I'll Post It*

______________
Unique Jump 10 (Brady Games Unique Jump 25)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

From [JUMP 9] you will remember 2 stairways. Well, this time you are jumping
from the opposite stairway to the one you just jumped. Head back into the alley
and go [NORTH] then turn around and hit the stairs on the right.

You're aim is to land on the roof opposite. You may have to tap right just as
you hit the stairs to jump in the right direction. I suggest using a PCJ 600
for this jump.

***********************
Submitted Tip, By J.S.
***********************

I did use a PCJ-600.  However, I couldn't just go to the northern end of the
alley. There wasn't enough room to get the speed I needed, so I went farther
north. I ended up in the street in between the hotel where the bike to start
the "PCJ Playground" mission is and the ramp that is Unique Stunt #16 in your
guide. I may have been farther north, but you get the idea. I sped along the
street south and approached Unique Stunt #11 in your guide, the wooden ramp.
Then, I went just to the left of it to end up in the alley. This was kind of
tricky because of the curb you have to go over, but I was able to do it fairly
easily. Now, I'm in the alley with a good deal more speed than on previous
tries. I hit the stairs and boom! I flew quite a bit farther than ever. I
cleared the electric pole and a portion of the roof, but I landed in the alley.
However, I did make the Unique Stunt.
______________
Unique Jump 11 (Brady Games Unique Jump 23)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

If you follow the alley from [JUMP 9+10] to the [NORTH], as you exit, you will
see a wooden ramp on the left. You guessed it, that's where you're jumping
from. Follow the long road [NORTH] to the Malibu, then make a 180, and burn
along the road.

Just before the last lamp post, make a slight left, onto the pavement, and
possibly on the grass, then hit the wooden ramp. Clearing the first roof should
do it. This can be done in any fast car, but you might as well use a PCJ 600.

______________
Unique Jump 12 (Brady Games Unique Jump 29)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

From Ammu-Nation head [NORTH], take the third right and on the left you will
see the Washington Mall. Drive along this road then turn left at the end.
Follow this road along and halfway you will see a Spiral Parking lot to you're
left. Cut across the grass and head up and around to the top of the parking
lot. Once you get to the top head to the right, follow the arrows, and go up at
the other side.

Go towards the next ramp that takes you down, but stop at the top of it.
Position yourself online with the arrow on the opposite ramp and speed towards
it. You are now facing [EAST].

You should jump over the small wall, and land on the rooftop opposite. Once you
land stop still, and drive over the stairs and stop.... BTW, you should be
using a PCJ 600, but a fast sports car works well enough.

______________
Unique Jump 13 (Brady Games Unique Jump 28)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

Follow the instructions from [JUMP 12] and once you go over the stairs stop. To
the left you will see 3 Vents, you are going to jump from the one in the middle
of the three, or from where you are, the one at the top left corner.

Hit this jump and land on or make contact with the roof of the building
opposite to register this one.

______________
Unique Jump 14 (Brady Games Unique Jump 22)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

Find the store "Bunch Of Tools" which is over the bridge from the main island.
Once you are here, head back over the bridge which leads [EAST] and you will
see the police station. Go around the back of the station and head towards
"Bunch Of Tools" again, but this time you will come to a stone jump.

Reverse back and hit the jump. You will clear the river and that's the jump
complete.

______________
Unique Jump 15 (Brady Games Unique Jump 21)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

Find the store "Bunch Of Tools" which is over the bridge from the main island.
Once here, face the store and turn [EAST]. You will see a pile of sand and a
hole in the fence where you must jump from. Head towards Starfish Island and
then make a 180 and speed along the road.

Make a right just before the bridge and you should hit the sand and clear the
river, which is pretty much all the jump requires. This jump can be completed
in almost any car.

______________
Unique Jump 16 (Brady Games Unique Jump 19)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

Find the store "Bunch Of Tools" which is over the bridge from the main island.
Head across the bridge to the [EAST], and when you reach the police station
head [NORTH] to the Malibu. Turn around so that you are facing [SOUTH] and get
onto the grass on the right hand side.

Speed along the grass keeping roughly in the middle of it and hit the stone
jump to clear the bridge and register this jump. Try not to hit any trees.

______________
Unique Jump 17 (Brady Games Unique Jump 18)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

Find the store "Bunch Of Tools" which is over the bridge from the main island.
Head across the bridge to the [EAST], and when you reach the police station
head [NORTH] to the Malibu. When you are facing the Malibu, directly [WEST]
will be a stone jump, you've gotta hit this and clear the river.

This may not look too hard, but this is actually one of the widest parts of the
river.  Drive into the undercover section of the Malibu, you know, the bit next
to the steps. When you are parked under there at the bottom of the steps you
will see a gap in the wall directly [EAST], so drive in there and turn around.

Reverse as far back as you can, then speed out of there, make a left and hit
the ramp as close the the Right side of it as you can (this will help to keep
you straight). Be aware, the ramp causes you to lose large amounts of speed
unless you hit it perfectly, and I'm not sure what perfect is.

This is one of the hardest jumps to pull off, and you may end up dying multiple
times before you complete it, so make a save game before you attempt it, unless
you dont care. I find this jump is easiest on a PCJ 600, Banshee and Infernus.

______________
Unique Jump 18 (Brady Games Unique Jump 20)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

YOU NEED A BIKE FOR THIS ONE!!!

Find the store "Bunch Of Tools" which is over the bridge from the main island
you should be on a PCJ 600. Head [NORTH] and go into the construction site.
Work you're way up to the top by following the wooden planks which are kind of
to the far right of the site. After you have gone up for the 3rd time you will
be facing [SOUTH].

Directly to your right is a girder. I think you see where this is going, you
have to drive along this girder fast and pull a wheelie just before you leave
the girder. You should make it over the road and hit the side of the building
opposite. That's that one done.


*********************************************************************
B. Prawn Island
*********************************************************************

______________
Unique Jump 19 (Brady Games Unique Jump 36)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

Get to the [NORTH] Pay And Spray. Head [NORTH] along the road, and when you get
it the junction, go slightly left but keep going [NORTH]. When you reach the
end of this street turn right then make the first left and head around to the
left and over the bridge.

Pretty much as soon as you get over the bridge you will see a ramp to you're
left. Take that small jump, then use the vents to get you across onto the next
roof.

From here you will see the main jump, which will take you into the Movie
Studio, so reverse as far back as possible, and then speed for the jump. You
have to clear the road and hit the roof of the building inside the walls of the
movie studio. That's this jump completed.

That's also all of the jumps you can possibly do without cheating, or doing the
missions to unlock the rest. So do the missions to unlock the next group of
islands where you can get the rest of the jumps.


*********************************************************************
C. Starfish Island
*********************************************************************

______________
Unique Jump 20 (Brady Games Missed This Jump - Unique Jump 17)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

YOU NEED A BIKE FOR THIS ONE!!!

Facing [NORTH] out of the drive way of Diaz's / Vercetti's Mansion make a left
and head along to the [WEST]. Take the first and only right, and follow it to
the end.

Once you reach the end, facing [NORTH], you will see a small alley to the
right, it is in between an orange and white wall. Follow this alley along and
when you can, turn right. Go into the garden, and as soon as you can, turn
right, go passed the garage, and just after it, you will see an opening in a
fence.

Go through there and make a 180. You are now aiming for the steps on the front
of the house. Hit them with some speed and clear the garden on the other side
of the wall. It still counts if you smash into the hedge, but be a real man and
jump over the garden! The jump will be in a [EAST] direction.

That's the one and only jump on Starfish Island, and well hidden, if I must say
so myself. On to The West Island.

*********************************************************************
D. West Island
*********************************************************************

______________
Unique Jump 21 (Brady Games Unique Jump 10)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

From "Screw This" Facing [EAST] head along to the end of the road (Heading
[EAST] Obviously). Make a right here and follow the road along. Take the first
right you come to, which is quite a long way along, and follow the road up to
the [WEST]. When you get on the road where there are fences either side, follow
it along and around until you reach the main terminal of the airport.

Just as you reach this, you will definitely see a surf sign on the right hand
side. The jump is inside that. If you examine this jump you will see a small
wooden ramp at the bottom of it, and towards the top of the ramp is a little
ramp.

Get a fast car and head into the airfield located [NORTH] of the jump. Go as
far in as you think you need to be, then make a 180 and head for the ramp. Keep
to the right of the surf jump at first, until you pass the small wooden board
at the bottom, then try to hit the left of the main ramp at the top. This will
launch you onto the top of the airport and also register this jump for you.

______________
Unique Jump 22 (Brady Games Unique Jump 9)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

From "Screw This" Facing [EAST] head along to the end of the road (Heading
[EAST] Obviously). Make a right here and follow the road along. Take the first
right you come to, which is quite a long way along, and follow the road up to
the [WEST]. When you get on the road where there are fences either side, follow
it along and around until you reach the main terminal of the airport.

Just before you pass the Surf sign on the right, is a parking lot on the left,
well... its more of an airfield than a parking lot, but anyway, go in here.
There are a number of jumps for you to complete here, but i will start from the
ones closest to the entrance.

As soon as you enter the Airfield, go to the left, and go alongside the hangar,
keep heading along to the [SOUTH] and just after the yellow ramps, you'll see a
portable staircase on the left. The jump is from this.

Line yourself up with the stairs and reverse back as far as you think you need,
but i suggest going quite far as its quite a big gap that you are making. Just
looking at the position of the ramp its easy to see where you are jumping the
lower roof of the building opposite. Hit the jump with some speed going [NORTH
EAST] and make it to the roof to register this one.

You HAVE TO MAKE IT ONTO THE ROOF perfectly for it to count, in other words,
you can't clip the wall, or corner.

______________
Unique Jump 23 (Brady Games Unique Jump 11)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

From "Screw This" Facing [EAST] head along to the end of the road (Heading
[EAST] Obviously). Make a right here and follow the road along. Take the first
right you come to, which is quite a long way along, and follow the road up to
the [WEST].

When you get on the road where there are fences either side, follow it along
and around until you reach the main terminal of the airport. Just before you
pass the Surf sign on the right, is a parking lot on the left, well... it's
more of an airfield than a parking lot, but anyway, go in here. As soon as you
enter the airfield, head to the left and follow the hangar, and ramps up, until
you reach a [NORTH-EAST / SOUTH-WEST] runway.

There will be 2 ramps sticking up, which i presume are for the planes to take
off from, but anyway, you're jump is from the one on the left.

Head most of the way down the runway and turn around. Keep hard on the gas and
hit the left ramp. It will launch you over the fence and onto the road. This is
a pretty far jump, and the camera angle makes it look so cool... unless its
just me, but this is a pretty easy jump.

______________
Unique Jump 24 (Brady Games Unique Jump 12)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

From "Screw This" Facing [EAST] head along to the end of the road (Heading
[EAST] Obviously). Make a right here and follow the road along. Take the first
right you come to, which is quite a long way along, and follow the road up to
the [WEST]. When you get on the road where there are fences either side, follow
it along and around until you reach the main terminal of the airport.

Just before you pass the Surf sign on the right, is a parking lot on the left,
well... it's more of an airfield than a parking lot, but anyway, go in here.

Once you get in, go straight ahead, and just after you pass the plane, you will
see a stairway on the right. Line yourself up with it, and then reverse back as
far as you can go. Burn along the road and hit the jump. Hopefully you can
clear the tunnel used to get people on the plane and register this jump.

______________
Unique Jump 25 (Brady Games Unique Jump 13)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

Head back into the Airfield, if you left it, and follow the same instructions
as [JUMP 24], but just after you go under the plane, keep going for a bit, then
turn right. Drive forward a bit, and around that area you should see another
staircase.

Like the previous jump, go back quite a way, then head for the jump and try to
clear the tunnel, although smashing into the side of it seems to work well
enough...

______________
Unique Jump 26 (Brady Games Unique Jump 14)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

After [JUMP 25] go [WEST] and get onto the first [NORTH / SOUTH] runway. Head
[SOUTH] for a little while, and you will see another stairway to your left and
this is where you are jumping from.

Go back a little way, then speed for the jump, you have to clear or hit the
tunnel again, but this time you will probably land on a smaller side tunnel. If
you are using one, you may flip you're car on this jump, so be careful when
choosing what car to use.

______________
Unique Jump 27 (Brady Games Unique Jump 15)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

This next jump is located around the radar in the center of the Airfield. To
get there you can get on any runway, and follow it to the [SOUTH] or [SOUTH
WEST].

Now, if you drive around the red radar you will see a yellow sign to the [NORTH
EAST] of the radar. This jump is leading from there, and you have to clear the
top corner of the lower section of the radar. It will take a few tries to get
right, but once you get the angle, you should be able to jump this with no
problem. The jump won't register if you hit the roof.

______________
Unique Jump 28 (Brady Games Unique Jump 16)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

Follow the instructions to [JUMP 27] but this time the jump you are aiming for
is the steps situated at the [SOUTH WEST] of the radar. Once you find the
steps, go back and get a long run up, then hit the steps and you should be able
to jump cleanly.

You don't have to jump over the Radar, you just have to jump quite far, over
the grass. You don't particularly have to clear the grass, but jump at least
past the end of the radar.

That's the airport complete, so head back to "Screw This".

______________
Unique Jump 29 (Brady Games Unique Jump 8)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

Directly [NORTH] of "Screw This" is a road, follow it along, and as soon as you
can, make the first left and follow the road to the [WEST]. Take the first
right again, when you come to it and go [NORTH]. A little way along you will
see some garages to your right, keep going past these, but just after the next
wall and before the yellow building with "Parking" written on the side, there
is an alley, go down here and turn right.

You will now see a ramp leading to the rooftop. follow it up and you will see a
small vent on the roof. Speed and hit this ramp, and it will launch you to the
next roof. Try and hit the ramp going almost perfectly [SOUTH] and as soon as
you land, keep hard on the gas, and you will drop down onto another ramp, this
is the ramp that you take the jump from, so you have to hit it hard, otherwise
you wont have enough speed to clear the roof.

If you were going fast enough you would drop down, clip the ramp and get the
slow motion camera. Then you should definitely make it to the next roof.

______________
Unique Jump 30 (Brady Games Unique Jump 7)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

Get to the [NORTH] "Pay & Spray" and face out of the garage. Turn right and
head along the road to the [SOUTH]. Take the first right and then go right
again on the road at the first opportunity. A little way along you will see a
street to the left.

Head up this street and when you get to the top, make a 180 so that you are
facing [EAST]. Speed along this road, and just before you reach then end, go
slightly to the left and you will see a ramp, hit this ramp, and you're aim is
to hit the side, or roof of the "Pay & Spray" while you are in the air. It's
much easier on a bike.

______________
Unique Jump 31  (Brady Games Unique Jump 6)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

Get to the [NORTH] "Pay & Spray" and face out of the garage. Turn right and
head along the road to the [SOUTH]. Take the first right and then go right
again on the road at the first oppertunity. Keep going along this street, then
take the second left.

Just a very small way up you will see a ramp on the right, this is the jump, so
get a fast car or a bike, and follow the alley along. Get some speed and hit
this ramp, you're target is to clear the bus on the other side of the road, but
I'm not sure how far you have to get after it. Usually clearing the end of the
houses does it.

______________
Unique Jump 32 (Brady Games Unique Jump 5)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

From the [NORTH] "Pay & Spray" head [NORTH]. Take the third left. Follow this
street up, and after the first left turn, and a little way up will be an alley
to the left. In this alley you will see some wooden ramps, so go across the
street and reverse back into the space between the buildings and hit the jump
which is going [SOUTH].

The idea of the jump is to basically smash into the sign which is on the roof
that you will get to, but if you are good, you'll clear it. That's this jump
finished, and if you are following the guide, you only have a few more to go!

______________
Unique Jump 33 (Brady Games Unique Jump 2)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

From the [NORTH] "Pay & Spray" follow the road [NORTH] all the way to the end.
Keep on the left side of the road and eventually, before you reach Ammu-Nation,
there will be a set of stairs to the right. The jumps is from here and you have
to land on the roof of Ammu-Nation.
You can only get up the stairs on a bike, so thats what you're going to have to
use. This jump is very easy to make.

The next 3 and Final 3 jumps can only be done when on, or after you have
completed the mission "G-Spotlight" for the Movie Studio. So I suggest you get
on with the missions and unlock this, so that you can finish the jumps.

******************************
WARNING:

These jumps cannot be done until you are on, or have beaten "G-Spotlight" for
the Movie Studio. You will most likely do these jumps on the mission, but if
you miss one, read below to find them.
******************************

Please note that, if you have already completed the G-spotlight mission, you
can skip right past the other, non-unique jumps by using the staircases next to
the dirt bike track and just north of the Greasy Chopper.

Thanks to DieselGT for the above info, which might make it quicker for you to
see if you have done a jump before.

______________
Unique Jump 34 (Brady Games Unique Jump 4)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

YOU MUST USE A PCJ 600 FOR THESE NEXT 3 JUMPS!!!

From the [NORTH] "Pay & Spray" follow the road along to the [NORTH] and when
you reach it, take the first Right. After you turn down here, follow the road
along, and head around to the left. A little way along when you are heading
[NORTH] again, there will be a street on the left. Ignore this, and follow the
road along, just after the next building will be a large space, and directly
left and next to the building is a stairway. Follow it up to the top and around
to the left. When you get there, you will see some windows on the left, find an
open door and enter through here. Slightly to the right, you will see an open
elevator, go in here and you will be warped up to the highest point you can go
in a road vehicle. Once you reach the top floor, make a 180 and head to the
back wall, then head along to the left. Turn left again, and you will be facing
2 glass windows. Believe it or not, this is the jump. You have to exit the
building through one of the windows, and land in the tunnel type thing
opposite. Its pretty much the only thing you'll hit if you leave the building
correctly.

______________
Unique Jump 35 (Brady Games Unique Jump 1)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

Follow the EXACT locations for [JUMP 34].
After you land in the tunnel type thing, go to the end of this corridor and
jump off to the left at the end. You will land on another roof just below where
you were. Next, jump off the side where there is no wall, and you will land on
another roof.  This time there is a large ramp at one end. Get some speed, but
not TOP speed, and hit this jump. You will land on the roof of the hospital.
Head around to the left and once you get as far as you can along, turn right
where you will see a ramp. Go as far back from the ramp as you can, and SPEED
for the jump, pull a wheelie just as you hit it, and you should make it to the
next roof, which is all the jump requires, although if you hit it wrong, you
have got a long way to go to attempt it again.

______________
Unique Jump 36 (Brady Games Unique Jump 3)
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

There are 2 ways to do this jump.
Follow the EXACT locations for [JUMP 35]. After you land on the roof next to
the hospital, head up the steps and hit the ramp, which leads to the next roof.
It goes [NORTH]. Once you reach that, go back quite far, and hit the next gap
over to the coming jump. Launch from this heading [EAST]. Once you land on the
next roof, head along to the end, and go back, to hit the ramp heading [NORTH].
Hit the next jump going [EAST] again, and land on the roof... I bet you're
getting bored of this by now, but don't worry, there's only a few left.

*YOU NOW UNLOCKED THE STEPS... see why this is good soon*
If you fall from the jump, you can go back up these stairs, instead of from the
start.

Work you're way up the stairs and get to the next jump. Go back from the ramp
before you hit it, because with such a short run up, it's hard to do. After
this hit the next jump. Then the next one, and again. You cant really miss the
jumps, because they are the only ramps on the roof, so just hit them straight
ahead. Follow all the jumps along, and around and when you reach the roof that
is very long (and i mean very) get a good run up, hit the ramp, and launch over
to the next roof, to beat the last jump (if you followed the guide).

Alternatively, if you beat "G-Spotlight" without getting the jumps, head up the
steps which you will have unlocked (follow the directions above) and then
follow the roof around. It's shorter than doing the whole thing.


=============================================================================== 

                            -= 13.0 Rampages =-

===============================================================================

(Thanks to the Brady Games strategy guide for some information)

These are probably the funniest and for some people the hardest part of the
game.  You have to kill a certain number of people or things in the time given,
which is always 2 minutes, with a certain weapon.  Also, you have unlimited
ammo for the 2 minutes for that weapon.  You will get the idea as we start.
(All rampages after rampage #5 is thanks to
Jamie Ivany, and the hints are all thanks to me)

BTW, the squares mean it is on the ground level, and the triangle is up one or
more levels.

Ocean Beach
-----------

 /\
/__\ -Rampage #1
Location: On dilapidated dock in the water
Directions: Take a boat from the southern most docks in Ocean Beach, and go due
south to a dock where the rampage is located.
Objective: Destroy 10 Vehicles in 2 minutes
Weapon: Rocket Launcher
Hints: Basically just stand there and destroy the boats.  Once you destroy one,
turn to the east or north depending on where you started and destroy there.
Not too difficult.

 __
|__| -Rampage #2
Location: In bushes near water to the south by where the walkway from the
lighthouse goes into the street.
Directions: Coming from the beach road from Washington Beach stay on that road
until it turns east, and it should be in the bushes as it says in the location.
Objective: Kill 30 gang members in 2 minutes
Weapon: Molotov Cocktails
Hints: Not too difficult, you will see the majority of people wearing a certain
thing, denim, and kill them.  Stay far away as not to burn yourself.

 __
|__| -Rampage #3
Location: On the beach just north of the lighthouse
Directions: Head due east from rampage #2 to find it.
Objective: Run over and kill 30 gang members in 2 minutes
Weapon: Vehicle
Hints: Have a vehicle ready when you start the rampage so you don't have to
find one.  Kill all the little boys by running them over at fairly high speeds.
A pretty easy rampage, just make sure you have one ready otherwise it wastes
lots of time.

 /\
/__\ -Rampage #4
Location: A building next to the car park, on the top corner of this two-story
building.
Directions: From the bridge coming from Little Havana, turn on the first right.
Turn on the third left, and at the T-intersection turn right again.  Look at
location.
Objective: Kill 25 gang members in 2 minutes
Weapon: Whatever you want
Hints: I would use a sniper rifle, and stand on the edge, scope down on the
sidewalks and shoot them all dead.  Easy enough, the only hard part is to kill
enough in the time limit.

 __
|__| -Rampage #5
Location: Near a fence and by a palm tree in the middle of this region
Directions: From the bridge coming from Little Havana, turn on the first right.
Turn on the second left and go around the bend and you will find it on the
right, look at location.
Objective: Kill 10 gang members in 2 minutes
Weapon: Katana
Hints: Sounds easy? Not with a katana. Go into a crowd of gang members and
start swinging.  Make sure you keep moving, and you should have killed 10 in no
time.

 __
|__| -Rampage #6
Location: Behind concrete wall of pink building.
Directions: From the bridge coming from Little Havana, turn on the first right.
Turn at the first left, and at the T-intersection turn right.  Look on your
right, and look at location.
Objective: 20 gang members in 2 minutes
Weapon: Chainsaw.
Hints: Ooh, a chainsaw, sounds like fun huh?  Well, it can get pretty tough
since you are so slow with it.  Go out into the street, hold down O and kill
everything you see.  The gang groups should regenerate along the sidewalks.

 /\
/__\ -Rampage #7
Location: East side of medical research building
Directions: From the bridge coming from Little Havana, turn on the first right.
Turn at the first right this time, and right before it starts turning south,
look to the left to see the medical building where the rampage is.
Objective: Kill 25 gang members in 2 minutes
Weapon: M4.
Hints: I would suggest staying where you get the rampage, the grassy ledge.
Use the first-person view(R1) and start shooting my friend, lots of Haitians
are standing around the sidewalks and streets.

 /\
/__\ -Rampage #8
Location: On top of Washington Mall.
Directions: From the bridge coming from Little Havana, turn on the first right.
Right on your left is the Washington Mall where the rampage is located.
Objective: 25 gang members in 2 minutes
Weapon: Shotgun.
Hints: Get down in the middle of the mall and kill.  The best way to kill them
and have them not shoot you is to go into the small pool/pond type thing in the
middle.  Many, if none, will not be smart enough to get into the pool to get at
you.  If you run out of guys to kill, go up and down floors to regenerate the
gang members.

Washington Beach
----------------

 __
|__| -Rampage #9
Location: Behind orange wall of pool house.
Directions: Coming from the bridge from Starfish Island, turn at the first
right in the island right after Starfish Island.  Look to your right and, look
at location.
Objective: Kill 25 gang members in 2 minutes
Weapon: MP5.
Hints: Get to bunch of tools in the open and kill.  Get into the street right
next to it and open fire.  Use a steady stream of bullets back and forth to get
rid of all of them.  I would suggest to kill the ones with guns first, it
lessens the threat of you getting hurt.  After you run out of guys, rinse and
repeat.

 __
|__| -Rampage #10
Location: Behind the big hotel with rounded windows.
Directions: Coming from Starfish Island's bridge across, turn on the third
left.  Follow that road straight/left so you are going exactly east.  Turn
slightly right into a path to the hotel.  Look at location.
Objective: Kill 30 gang members in 2 minutes
Weapon: Spaz 12.
Hints: Go along the beach and kill.  This rampage should be fairly easy, seeing
as you have a Spaz 12 Shotgun nobody should get close to you.  Just keep
walking along the beach walkway and the gang groups will regenerate.

Vice Point
----------

 /\
/__\ -Rampage #11
Location: Behind hotel on high diving board.
Directions: Coming from Starfish Island's bridge across, turn on the third
left.  Follow that road straight/left so you are going exactly east.  Turn
slightly right into a path to the hotel.  Look at location.
Objective: Kill 30 gang members in 2 minutes
Weapon: Spaz 12.
Hints: Stay on the board and kill everything.  Zoom in and out and pick them
all off one by one until they all die.  Make sure to stay on the diving board,
that way they can't hurt you.

 __
|__| -Rampage #12
Location: On the grass by the loop (cul-de-sac).
Directions: Coming from Starfish Island's bridge across, turn on the first
left.  Follow that road until you get to a fork, take the fork left into a
dead-end.  Look at location.
Objective: Kill 35 gang members in a 2-minute drive-by.
Weapon: Mac 10.
Hints: Stay in a relatively close area and shoot them.  The only problem with
this one is making sure not to attract the cops' attention too early in the
mission, or it will be a headache the rest of the rampage.  If you run out of
guys to shoot, drive around some more and they will regenerate.

 __
|__| -Rampage #13
Location: On the dock behind Mercedes'.
Directions: Right underneath the bridge coming from Leaf Links into Vice Point,
there is a dock, and it is located right on the dock.
Objective: Kill 20 gang members in 2 minutes
Weapon: Chainsaw.
Hints: Get to the street by the bridge and bring havoc on all of them.  I think
that it is a bad idea to do the whole chainsaw stabbing thing because it takes
way too much time and you could be dead by then.  Just keep moving and hold
down the circle button.

 __
|__| -Rampage #14
Location: North of Dirt bike track by beach.
Directions: Coming from Prawn Island's bridge across to Vice Point, turn left.
Follow that road until you are going parallel with and can see the beach.  Look
to your left by the dirt bike track.  Look at location.
Objective: Kill 25 gang members in 2 minutes
Weapon: Python.
Hints: Get to the mall and kill them.  You can also go right outside the mall
and there will be lots of guys there as well.  The best way is to hold R1 to
target, holding circle of course, and pressing R2 or L2 to move your target to
the nearest gang member.

 __
|__| -Rampage #15
Location: South East entrance of North Point Mall.
Directions: Coming from Prawn Island's bridge across to Vice Point, turn left.
Follow that road until you are going parallel with and can see the beach.  Past
#14 on the right will be an entrance to North Point Mall, it is right by there.
Objective: Kill 35 gang members in 2 minutes
Weapon: M4.
Hints: Stay where you are, there are plenty of them to kill.  It could get ugly
with the fistfights, but using the targeting system, not the auto-lock, will
prevent that well enough.  There will be plenty of guys around there.

 /\
/__\ -Rampage #16
Location: Inside the NP mall in a planter.
Directions: Coming from Prawn Island's bridge across to Vice Point, turn left.
Follow that road until you are going parallel with and can see the beach.  Past
#14 on the right will be an entrance to North Point Mall.  Go inside, and look
at location.
Objective: Kill 35 gang members in 2 min.
Weapon: Rocket Launcher.
Hints: There are gangs all over the mall.  Make sure to keep a safe distance
from them so you don't get too hurt.  Also, if they are standing in a group,
shoot at their feet so it will for sure hit them, if you aim at them, sometimes
it can miss.

 __
|__| -Rampage #17
Location: Behind a building in North East Vice Point.
Directions: Coming from Prawn Island's bridge across to Vice Point, turn left.
Stay with the road when it turns left, right, loop left to right and back going
east.  On the right will be where to look.  Look at location.
Objective: Kill 30 gang members in a 2-minute drive-by.
Weapon: Uzi.
Hints: Stay close and keep driving around.  This should be very easy, if they
get close to your door, shoot them, they are just giving you an easier target.

Downtown
--------

 __
|__| -Rampage #18
Location: In VAJ building yard, by the statue.
Directions: Coming from Prawn Island's bridge going to downtown.  Go straight
past the first intersection and look right into the field.  Look at location.
Objective: Kill 30 gang members in 2 minutes
Weapon: Minigun.
Hints: Go to the street to the north, and just unload on all of the gang
members.  The hardest part about this rampage is killing yourself with this
gun; it is very powerful, so avoid shooting cars that will hurt you.  Keep
turning so they don't sneak up on you, and you don't want them close to you,
otherwise they will gang up on you.

 /\
/__\ -Rampage #19
Location: On steps of big white building south of VAJ
Directions: Coming from Prawn Island's bridge going to downtown.  Go straight
past the first intersection and look to the left just before the road curves
right.  Look at location.
Objective: Kill 40 gang members in 2 minutes
Weapon: Molotov.
Hints: Run to the street and kill everything.  Go by the sidewalk, and just
start launching Molotovs into the crowds of gang members.  Make sure you stay a
good distance away, so you don't catch on fire.

 /\
/__\ -Rampage #20
Location: On stairs east of AmmuNation
Directions: Coming from Prawn Island's bridge going to downtown.  Go straight
past the first intersection and to the second intersection, which is a T-
intersection.  Right by that intersection, at the AmmuNation, look at location.
Objective: Kill 25 gang members in 2 minutes
Weapon: Python.
Hints: Go to the AmmuNation and kill everything.  Go out into the street and
just start shooting all of the gang members you see.  Use the technique of
pressing R1 to aim at a gang member, holding circle, then press L2 or R2 to
change to another person to kill.

 __
|__| -Rampage #21
Location: By helipads north end of Hyman Stadium
Directions: Coming from Prawn Island's bridge going to downtown.  Turn at the
first right and follow that road until a T-intersection.  Turn left and follow
it until you get to the stadium.  Look at location.
Objective: Kill 30 gang members in 2 minutes
Weapon: Flamethrower
Hints: Head to the stadium stairs.  First start with the groups that appear
right next to the icon, then head over to the steps of the stadium and torch
some people there.  A pretty easy mission, make sure not to catch yourself on
fire.

 __
|__| -Rampage #22
Location: In the alley system behind the pizza parlor.
Directions: Coming from Prawn Island's bridge going to downtown.  Turn at the
first left and follow it until the next left, where you should turn.  Follow
that road until you get to where the street forms a 90 degree angle and look at
location.
Objective: Kill 35 gang members in a 2-minute drive-by
Weapon: Mac 10.
Hints: Get to the main streets, grab any car if you don't have one, and start
shooting!  Just make sure you get all of them that are running at you, if they
yank you out of your car it is big trouble.

 __
|__| -Rampage #23
Location: Behind the hotel with all glass sides.
Directions: Coming from Prawn Island's bridge going to downtown.  Turn at the
first left and follow it until the next left, where you should turn.  At the
next intersection turn left, and follow that road until you see a right turn
into a hotel.  Look at location.
Objective: Kill 30 gang members in 2 minutes
Weapon: M60.
Hints: Stay on the main street where the hotel is.  Kill the groups of gang
members, and wait for the ambulance, which should come fairly quickly.  DON'T
shoot the paramedics, they will heal the gang members, giving you more targets
to shoot.

Little Haiti
------------

 __
|__| -Rampage #24
Location: Behind small building next to red bridge.
Directions: From the Leaf Links bridge going into Little Haiti, turn left on
the highway.  Turn at the second right, and pass the first intersection.  When
you get to the next intersection turn right.  Then, turn right again at the T-
intersection.  Look at location.
Objective: Kill 35 gang members in 2 minutes
Weapon: Spaz 12.
Hints: Run into Haiti and hit all the gangs.   Just keep running around and you
will find them, this rampage is very easy.  The gang members wear blue and
white.

 __
|__| -Rampage #25
Location: In an alley behind the buildings next to the pizza parlor.
Directions: From the Leaf Links Bridge going into Little Haiti, turn left on
the highway.  Turn at the second right and turn right at the first
intersection.  Before you get to the next intersection look right.  Look at
location.
Objective: Kill 30 gang members in 2 minutes
Weapon: Tec 9.
Hints: Get to the street in front of the parlor, and let loose your bullets.  A
good thing to know is that the longer you hold down circle to fire it, the more
inaccurate the bullets become, so let up on the circle for half a second, and
it will return to normal accuracy.

Little Havana
-------------

 __
|__| -Rampage #26
Location: In the B-Ball court.
Directions: From the Starfish Island bridge going into Little Havana, turn
right onto the highway, then quickly turn left into the street.   At the next
T-intersection, turn right and stay on this road until you are going south.  On
the left you should look for it, and look at location.
Objective: Kill 25 gang members in 2 minutes
Weapon: Shotgun.
Hints: Head for the streets, and just unload.  You will be amazed at the range
of this weapon, so you can stay pretty far away to hit your targets.  You can
almost stay in one spot the whole rampage if you want to.

 /\
/__\ -Rampage #27
Location: By a loading bay door behind the bank.
Directions: From the Starfish Island bridge going into Little Havana, turn
right onto the highway, then quickly turn left into the street.  Look on the
right and at the location.
Objective: Kill 10 gang members in 2 minutes (thanks to Josh Miller for
correction.)
Weapon: Katana
Hints: Hit the street there is loads of Cubans.  Once you hit the first Cuban,
you have just set off the rest of them and they will swarm after you.  Keep
moving and swinging at them, and it should be pretty easy.  Just don't get
caught in a crowd, or you will die very fast.

 __
|__| -Rampage #28
Location: On lower roof of hospital.
Directions: From the Starfish Island Bridge going into Little Havana, look
straight across to see the hospital.  Look at location to find the rampage.
Objective: Kill 20 gang members in 2 min.
Weapon: Sniper Rifle.
Hints: Stay on the roof, and just snipe them all.  This one is tough, 2 minutes
isn't enough for 20 gang members, so after you kill everyone from the roof, you
have to jump down and look along the sidewalks to find more.

 /\
/__\ -Rampage #29
Location: On top of the building with the red awning.
Directions: From the Starfish Island Bridge going into Little Havana, turn left
onto the highway.  Turn then at the first right and follow that road until you
get to the second intersection.  Pass that, and right after that you should
look at location.
Objective: Kill 20 gang members in 2 minutes
Weapon: Ruger
Hints: Stay on the roof and just fire at the gang members.  If needed, you can
look away for a couple seconds and return to shooting them, because they
regenerate right in front of the roof.  This one is a cinch.

Vice Port
---------

 __
|__| -Rampage #30
Location: Behind brown hotel near airport
Directions: From the Starfish Island Bridge going into Little Havana, turn left
onto the highway.  Turn at the second left, and then turn on the second left
again into a hotel.  Look at location.
Objective: Kill 35 gang members in 2 minutes
Weapon: Grenades
Hints: Get to the street and bomb everyone.  The hardest part is put the
grenades in the right place with the right amount of muscle.  If you can't seem
to get it right.  Run up to the group, quickly press circle to just drop the
grenade next to the group and continue running to avoid the blast.

 /\
/__\ -Rampage #31
Location: On the ship roughly in the center.
Directions: From the bridge coming from Ocean Beach across to Little Havana,
turn left onto the highway, and stay on the wrong side of the road.  Go left
into the docks and when the road splits go left into the docks and look at
location.
Objective: Destroy 15 vehicles in 2 minutes
Weapon: Rocket Launcher
Hints: Get on the ramp of the ship and bomb away.  This shouldn't be too hard,
if you run out of cars to shoot, shoot some people to get the police or the
ambulances to come and you can then shoot those vehicles.

 __
|__| -Rampage #32
Location: Behind ticket booths in terminal
Directions: Coming from the bridge from Ocean Beach to Little Havana, turn
left, and then turn at the first right.  Follow that road into the airport
terminal.  When you follow the road north, then go west, go past the first
intersection and go into the terminal.  Look at location.
Objective: Kill 25 gang members in 2 minutes
Weapon: Spaz 12.
Hints: Stay in the terminal, and you have to move around in this one because
they die quickly.  Once you clear the first floor, head to the second floor,
and then come back down for more guys if needed.

 /\
/__\ -Rampage #33
Location: On top of the airport terminal.
Directions: Coming from the bridge from Ocean Beach to Little Havana, turn
left, and then turn at the first right.  Turn on the third left so you go into
the huge open area with planes and such.  Go north until you see the terminal,
and look at location.
Objective: Destroy 15 vehicles in 2 minutes
Weapon: Rocket Launcher.
Hints: Stay on the roof and bomb away.  Again, shoot the people to get police
and ambulances to come so you can shoot them.  If you run out of vehicles, go
into the streets to find some more cars.

 __
|__| -Rampage #34
Location: East of the Air Base in the bushes.
Directions: Coming from the bridge from Ocean Beach to Little Havana, turn
left, and then turn at the first right.  Follow that road into the airport
terminal.  When you follow the road north, then go west turn right at the first
intersection until you get to another intersection.  Turn right there as well
and follow that road to the entrance of the Air Base.  Look at location.
Objective: Destroy 20 vehicles in 2 minutes
Weapon: Minigun
Hints: Get to the road and blast away.  The minigun is definitely powerful
enough to destroy the cars, and they will blow up fast.  Still this is pretty
tough because it is a lot of cars for only 2 minutes.  Again you need to shoot
people to get ambulances and police cars to show up.

 __
|__| -Rampage #35
Starfish Island: West side house, walk over the hedges to find it in their
driveway.
Directions: Coming from Little Havana over the bridge into Starfish Island, go
over the bridge into Starfish Island.  Turn at the first left you see, and look
quickly to the left.  Look at location.
Objective: Run over 35 gang members in 2 minutes
Weapon: Any vehicle.
Hints: Head to the street and run everyone over.  This is really easy, and
running over people is the easiest thing to do in this game.  Make sure you are
going fast enough; otherwise they will not die.  Otherwise, this rampage is a
cinch.

===============================================================================

                           -= 14.0 Locations =-

===============================================================================

This section is kind of a general term for all of the places you can go to buy
something.  I didn't really know what else to call it, and weapon shops sounded
too redundant.  Anyway, I will list the shops, the locations, and what they
sell for how much.

-------------------
WEAPON/TOOL STORES
-------------------

~~~~~~~~~~~
AmmuNation
~~~~~~~~~~~

Location: Downtown
#=Available after completing mission "Rub Out"

- Colt Python          $2000
- #MP5                 $3000
- #SPAS Shotgun        $4000
- #Colt M4             $5000
- #PSG1                $6000
- Body Armor           $200


Location: Vice Point

- Colt 45              $100
- Uzi 9mm              $400
- Stubby Shotgun       $600
- Sniper Rifle         $1500
- Grenades             $300
- Body Armor           $200


Location: Ocean Beach

- Colt 45              $100
- Ingram MAC 10        $300
- Shotgun              $500
- Ruger                $1000
- Body Armor           $200

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tool Stores
~~~~~~~~~~~~


Name: Tooled Up
#=Available after completing mission "Back Alley Brawl"

- Screwdriver          $10
- Hammer               $20
- Meat Cleaver         $50
- *Knife               $90
- Katana               $300

Name: Bunch of Tools
#=Available after completing mission "Jury Fury"

- Screwdriver          $10
- Hammer               $20
- Meat Cleaver         $50
- *Baseball Bat        $80
- *Machete             $100

Name: Screw This
#=Available after completing mission "Jury Fury"

- Screwdriver          $10
- Hammer               $20
- Meat Cleaver         $50
- *Machete             $100
- Chainsaw             $500

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Phil's Place
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All of the weapons are available after completing Phil Cassidy's missions and
getting the Gun Warehouse

- Detonator           $1000
- M60                 $8000
- Flamethrower        $8000
- Rocket Launcher     $10000

-----------------
WEAPON LOCATIONS
-----------------

For these locations, I will give the area they are in and a general idea of
their whereabouts.  They all regenerate regularly, I don't know how often
though.  Thanks to Brady Games for some of these.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Slot 2 Weapons
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BRASS KNUCKLES
-Location: Ocean Beach
-Directions: In an alley right behind the first save point in the game

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Slot 3 Weapons
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GOLF CLUB
-Location: Leaf Links
-Directions: Right inside the door of Leaf Links Country Club

CLEAVER
-Location: Vice Point
-Directions: Coming from Leaf Links, turn right on the first road.  After the
first turn on the left it should be there.

NIGHTSTICK
-Location: Washington Beach
-Directions: Inside the police station

MACHETE
-Location: Vice Point
-Directions: Coming from Starfish Island, on the walkway to the right

KATANA #1
-Location: Starfish Island
-Directions: In the garage of the mansion.

KATANA #2 (GTA3_Addict)
-Location: Starfish Island
-Directions: Garage of the house next to the Diaz mansion on Starfish Island

KATANA #3
-Location: Vice Point
-Directions: In the North Point Mall

CHAINSAW
-Location: Ocean Beach
-Directions: Inside the apartments, in room 3C

KNIFE #1
-Location: Ocean Beach
-Directions: Southernmost road, behind Maison Wenifall

KNIFE #2
-Location: The Bank
-Directions: After you finish "The job" there will be a knife near the Job
outfit.
(Thanks to Daniel Fomin)

BASEBALL BAT
-Location: Ocean Beach
-Directions: From the Brass Knuckles pick-up, go south and turn right, and it
should be there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Slot 4 Weapons
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MOLOTOV
-Location: Downtown
-Directions: At Taco Place in the northern part of downtown.

BOMB/DETONATOR
-Location: Vice Point
-Directions: Coming from Leaf Links, go all the way to the beach side road.
Pass one turn and right after the second turn, on the building walkway, is the
weapon.

GRENADES
-Location: Little Havana
-Directions: From the highway on the coast, after you pass the bridge to
Starfish Island going north, turn left on the next street.  It should be there.

TEAR GAS
-Location: Washington Beach
-Directions: Right behind the police station

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Slot 5 Weapons
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

COLT 45 #1
-Location: Vice Point
-Directions: Coming east from Starfish Island turn left on the first road.
Then, turn right at the first right turn, and follow it around the curve to
find it by the curve.

COLT 45 #2
-Location: Ocean Beach
-Directions: The western most you can go in Ocean Beach, in-between the top 2
docks on land.

COLT 45 #3
-Location: Starfish Island
-Directions: On Starfish Island, in your mansion, at the bottom of the small,
spiral steps there's a small room and inside you will find a body armor suit, a
health icon, a shotgun and a Colt 45.  (Thanks to Stas O'Neill)


COLT PYTHON
-Location: Little Haiti
-Directions: In the west part, behind the wall in the rear of a building by a
red bridge.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Slot 6 Weapons
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

STUBBY SHOTGUN
-Location: Little Haiti
-Directions: In a hangar, the best way to describe it is northwest in Little
Haiti, through a junkyard into this hangar.  Something that helped me is it was
were Lance was taken after he was kidnapped by
Diaz.

SHOTGUN #1
-Location: Washington Beach
-Directions: Right near the beach, on the border of Vice Point

SHOTGUN #2
-Location: Ocean Beach
-Directions: In the mall to the northwest of this area, on the east side of it

SPAZ SHOTGUN
-Location: Escobar International Airport
-Directions: Coming in from Little Havana, using the main road, turn right,
follow that road past the next intersection and look into the lot to the right.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Slot 7 Weapons
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

UZI 9MM #1
-Location: Prawn Island
-Directions: On the porch of the northern most house

UZI 9MM #2
-Location: Downtown
-Directions: Under the stairs at Skumhole Shack

UZI 9MM #3
-Location: Washington Beach
-Directions: Coming from Little Havana Bridge, turn at the second right, and
quickly turn right again.  It should be by the next corner you come to on your
left.

UZI 9MM #4
-Location: Ocean Beach
-Directions: Behind the Pay N' Spray

INGRAM MAC 10
-Location: Vice Port (GTA3_Addict)
-Directions: The most southeastern corner still by a road.

TEC-9
-Location: Vice Point
-Directions: On the same island as the Colt 45, all the way north on the weird
loop road.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Slot 8 Weapons
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

RUGER
-Location: Vice Point
-Directions: Towards the northern part across from the northern part of the
golf course if you drew a line, on the roof of Elswanko

COLT M4 #1
-Location: Little Haiti
-Directions: From the main highway coming south from Downtown, turn right on
the first road in Little Haiti.  Follow it around the curve and at the
intersection look ahead and slightly left to see some shacks.  In one of those
shacks is the pick-up.

COLT M4 #2
-Location: Little Havana
-Directions: Coming from Starfish Island, turn left then turn right.  Follow
that until you are on the edge of Escobar International Airport.  It should be
around there.

COLT M4 #3
-Location: Prawn Island
-Directions: Behind the moon lander in Studio B at the Inter
Global Films studio

MINIGUN
-Location: Little Haiti
-Directions: Destroyed Haitian hideout.
(Thanks to Aaron1221)
-More Information: The person who said that it was located in the wreck said it
as though it would be hell of easy. HELL NO! This is the hardest pickup in the
game!!!!!!!!!! In the mission "Trojan Voodoo", you blow a building sky high, go
to that building. Go inside the building. In the stairs there will be a big
gap, this will take a few times to jump it. After you jump it, you'll be on a
red I-Beam. Go to the end and try to jump to the top of the white wall. This
will take a few tries. After you do that, you will be at the hardest part. Back
up a bit (3 feet would be perfect) from the edge of the wall, the side where
the I-beam is not in the building. Jump, just jump by pressing square and
nothing more. If you're lucky, you'll be on the I-Beam on the total side.
Carefully walk through it to the pickup. Very difficult, eh?
(Thanks to Daniel Fomin)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Slot 9 Weapons
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

M60
-Location: Fort Baxter Air Base
-Directions: It is in the right guard tower

FLAMETHROWER #1
-Location: Docks
-Directions: Go all the way southeast in the docks to find it

FLAMETHROWER #2
-Location: Starfish Island
-Directions: In the mansion

ROCKET LAUNCHER
-Location: Little Haiti
-Directions: From Starfish, turn left going into Little Haiti, follow that
highway and turn on the second right.  Count the turns from there  and turn on
the second left, into a building.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Slot 10 Weapons
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SNIPER RIFLE #1
-Location: Starfish Island
-Directions: In the maze outside the mansion

SNIPER RIFLE #2
-Location: Little Havana
-Directions: The southernmost bridge across from the mainland to the beaches.
On the side of Little Haiti, it is on a ledge around the tollbooth.

PSG-1
-Location: Little Havana
-Directions: Next to the Kaufman Cab billboard by Umberto's Cafe.

(If anyone has any more locations that I missed, please e-mail them to me so I
can get them up.)

-----------------
HEALTH LOCATIONS
-----------------
I don't know how else to organize them, so I will list where they are and some
direction towards them.  I don't know the exact location of them, but I will
lead you in the right area.  There are 24 health pickups.

~~~~~~~~~
Downtown
~~~~~~~~~

HEALTH ICON #1
Directions/Location: On the dirt bike track

HEALTH ICON #2
Directions/Location: From Prawn Island, go straight and turn left at the second
road and look at that corner.

HEALTH ICON #3
Directions/Location: From #2, turn left and follow that road until it goes left
again, it should be off to the right.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Haiti
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HEALTH ICON #4
Directions/Location: From downtown highway, count off the right turns to number
4, and a little ways after that on the right, it should be there.

HEALTH ICON #5
Directions/Location: From the highway, turn right on the first one, follow it
around the curve and to the intersection.  Take the right road, and turn right,
and turn right again.  It should be on the right side.

HEALTH ICON #6
Directions/Location: Same directions as #5, but instead of turning right, keep
on going through the dead end, and it should be around somewhere.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Havana
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HEALTH ICON #7
Directions/Location: From the highway from Little Haiti, count the turns right
including the one in the middle of the two "cities" and turn on the third one,
it should be around somewhere here.

HEALTH ICON #8
Directions/Location: On the highway, go all the way until it splits into the
docks, and go left off the road by the water, it should be on the shore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Escobar International Airport
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HEALTH ICON #9
Directions/Location: From the main road going into the airport going west, turn
right into the airport, follow the road past the intersection, and look left
into that lot, and it should be there.

~~~~~~
Docks
~~~~~~

HEALTH ICON #10
Directions/Location: Go to the southeastern most part of the map that you can
in the docks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Starfish Island
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HEALTH ICON #11
Directions/Location: Coming from Little Haiti on the bridge, in the walking
area to the side of the bridge

HEALTH ICON #12
Directions/Location: Inside the mansion

HEALTH ICON #13
Directions/Location: Inside the mansion

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ocean Beach
~~~~~~~~~~~~

HEALTH ICON #14
Directions/Location: Coming from the Little Havana Bridge, after you get into
Ocean Beach and the road curves slightly right, turn off the road to the right.

HEALTH ICON #15
Directions/Location: From the bridge, take the first right.  Take another right
to find it by the road.

HEALTH ICON #16
Directions/Location: From the bridge, take the first right, then turn right
again.  Follow this road ALL the way around until you are going north along the
beach.  When you can see the beach and are going north, turn on the first left.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington Beach
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HEALTH ICON #17
Directions/Location: From pick-up number #16, keep on going on the coast road,
and turn on the next left.  Turn right into the main alley of Washington Beach
that runs throughout the whole thing.  Towards the end of it you will find it,
all the way north.

~~~~~~~~~~~
Vice Point
~~~~~~~~~~~

HEALTH ICON #18
Directions/Location: From the Leaf Links Bridge, turn right on the first road,
and you should find it two streets down.

HEALTH ICON #19
Directions/Location: From the LL Bridge, take the first left, and go past the
first right to find it by the second right.

HEALTH ICON #20
Directions/Location: From #19, go until you get to a cross street.  Turn right
and take the first left right away.  It should be around there.

HEALTH ICON #21
Directions/Location: From #20, follow that road until you get to a left turn,
and it should be around there.

HEALTH ICON #22
Directions/Location: The northwestern part of North Point Mall.

~~~~~~~~~~~
Leaf Links
~~~~~~~~~~~

HEALTH ICON #23
Directions/Location: From the entrance of Leaf Links, go until you reach the
bridges crossing to the other island of Leaf Links golf course.  It should be
on the left, or westernmost bridge.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Prawn Island
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HEALTH ICON #24
Directions/Location: From Vice Point going into Prawn Island, turn at the first
right.  When it reaches the peak of its loop, it should be around there.

----------------
ARMOR LOCATIONS
-----------------
Pretty much the same format as health pick-ups.  There are a total of
23 armor pick-ups.

~~~~~~~~~
Downtown
~~~~~~~~~

ARMOR ICON #1
Directions/Location: On the dirt bike track

ARMOR ICON #2
Directions/Location: Right to the west of health pick-up #23

ARMOR ICON #3
Directions/Location: From the Little Haiti highway, when you cross into
downtown and you see a small left turn off, look right and it should be there
by the water.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Haiti
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ARMOR ICON #4
Directions/Location: From the Little Havana highway coming from downtown turn
at the first right.  It is in the upper most corner of Little Haiti, and it
isn't a road.  The road you are on sort of points at it until it curves.

ARMOR ICON #5
Directions/Location: From the first right in #4, follow it around the bend
until you get to the fork.  Turn left, and look off to your left to find it.

ARMOR ICON #6
Directions/Location: Further down from #5, turn left at the next intersection
and look around there to find it.

ARMOR ICON #7
Directions/Location: From the highway, turn left at the 5th turn.  Go past the
first intersection; curve around and look to your right to find it across the
next intersection.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Havana
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ARMOR ICON #8
Directions/Location: From the highway coming from Little Haiti, look for the
left turn, it is the same turn as health icon #7.  Right before that turn is
this icon.

ARMOR ICON #9
Directions/Location: From armor icon #7 keep going until you get to the end of
that street.  Turn left, and when you get to the intersection turn right and
follow it along the sharp curve and when it curves again, look around there to
find the icon.

ARMOR ICON #10
Directions/Location: In the upper "lot" of Sunshine Autos

ARMOR ICON #11
Directions/Location: From the entrance of Sunshine Autos, turn right and follow
that road.  Turn right at the next intersection and follow that road past a
couple of turns and go with the curve into Escobar.
After the curve, it should be around there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Escobar International Airport
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ARMOR ICON #12
Directions/Location: From #11, go on the same road and follow it until you
reach the entrance of Fort Baxter Air Base.  It should be to the left side of
the entrance.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ocean Beach
~~~~~~~~~~~~

ARMOR ICON #13
Directions/Location: From the bridge from Little Havana, stay on that road past
the first right turn to see a building on the right.  It is in that building.

ARMOR ICON #14
Directions/Location: From the bridge, turn on the first right and go past three
left turns to find it on the left.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington Beach
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ARMOR ICON #15
Directions/Location: From the southern most start of the alley, go one street
west of that.  100 feet away or so it should be around there.

~~~~~~~~~~~
Vice Point
~~~~~~~~~~~

ARMOR ICON #16
Directions/Location: From Starfish Island, on the mini-island that is part of
Vice Point, look left immediately, before the first turn and go there.

ARMOR ICON #17
Directions/Location: Coming on the eastern most road in Vice Point, from
Washington Beach, look at the big building on your right.  It is towards the
northern most part of the building.

ARMOR ICON #18
Directions/Location: From #17, keep on going until there is a left turn, which
is actually a loop.  In the middle of that loop is the pick-up.

ARMOR ICON #19
Directions/Location: From Prawn Island, as soon as you enter and pass the first
left, look right.

ARMOR ICON #20
Directions/Location: From Prawn Island, turn left on the first road.
Follow it all the way, curving around until you get going south on the road.
Right by the end of the mall, it should be around there in a courtyard.

ARMOR ICON #21
Directions/Location: From # 20, keep going south on that road and count of the
right turns and turn on number five. Go past the intersection and it should be
right around there.

~~~~~~~~~~~
Leaf Links
~~~~~~~~~~~

ARMOR ICON #22
Directions/Location: On the second island that you have a mini-bridge to get
onto, it is towards the northwest part of it on the shore of the part where the
water comes into the land.  It is on the western shore of that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Prawn Island
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ARMOR ICON #23
Directions/Location: Coming from Vice Point, turn at the first left.  Follow it
around the loop and going right, and when you are going north again a little
ways up is the icon.

-----------------------
POLICE BRIBE LOCATIONS
-----------------------
Again, this is the same as the last two pick-up locations, and there are a
total of only 12 bribes.

~~~~~~~~~
Downtown
~~~~~~~~~

POLICE BRIBE #1
Directions/Location: From the Prawn Island Bridge, go on that road until you
can't anymore.  It should be a road going north and south, and turn right.  At
the next right turn right again and it should be around there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Haiti
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

POLICE BRIBE #2
Directions/Location: From the highway, turn right on the first road.  Pass the
first turn and it should be around there.

POLICE BRIBE #3
Directions/Location: From the highway, turn on the fourth road to the right.
When you can, turn right again and it should be there.

POLICE BRIBE #4
Directions/Location: Turn at the fourth turn from the highway but stay on the
same road this time and follow it south.  Across from the second left turn
should be the icon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Havana
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

POLICE BRIBE #5
Directions/Location: From the highway from Little Haiti, turn at the third
right.  Go a little bit past the first right turn to find it.

POLICE BRIBE #6
Directions/Location: In the back of Sunshine Autos

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ocean Beach
~~~~~~~~~~~~

POLICE BRIBE #7
Directions/Location: From the Little Havana Bridge going into Ocean Beach, turn
right, left, right, left, and right again. Go until you see a left turn, then
look across from it on the right side of the street.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington Beach
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

POLICE BRIBE #8
Directions/Location: In the middle of the alleyway further south from the
health pick-up that is in the alleyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~
Vice Point
~~~~~~~~~~~

POLICE BRIBE #9
Directions/Location: From Starfish Island, turn left on the first road.
Follow that road past the right and look after some buildings on the right.

POLICE BRIBE #10
Directions/Location: From that road, use the bridge to cross over to mainland
and stay on the road a little ways to find it on the ground.

POLICE BRIBE #11
Directions/Location: From the bridge coming from Leaf Links, turn on the third
left.  Then turn on the first left and look across the street when you come to
a dead end to find it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Prawn Island
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

POLICE BRIBE #12
Directions/Location: Coming from Vice Point on the bridge, turn left
immediately and go until it starts turning left.  It should be by the water in
the southeastern most corner of Prawn Island


===============================================================================

                         -= 15.0 Radio Stations =-

===============================================================================

Along with the whole new game, there was a whole new soundtrack added to it.  I
will list the Radio Stations and tracks for each radio station.  Thanks to
www.gta-vice.cjb.net.

--V-Rock-
   -80's Rock Station
   -Hosted by Lazlow

Songs
-----

-Twisted Sister
   "I Wanna Rock"

-Quiet Riot
    "Cum On Feel The Noise"

-Ozzy Osbourne
    "Bark At The Moon"

-Iron Maiden
    "2 Minutes to Midnight"

-Alcatrazz
    "God Bless Video"

-Autograph
    "Turn Up The Radio"

-Anthrax
    "Madhouse"

-Judas Priest
    "You've Got Another Thing Comin'"

-Rockstar's Lovefist
   "Fist Fury"

-David Lee Roth
    "Yankee Rose"

-Slayer
   "Raining Blood"

-Megadeth
   "Peace Sells"

-Tesla
   "Cumin' Atcha Live"

-Loverboy
   "Working for the Weekend"

-Motley Crue
   "Too Young to Fall in Love"

-The Cult
   "She Sells Sanctuary"

-Rockstar's Lovefist
   "Dangerous Bastard"



--Wave 103-
   -80's Pop/Rock Station
   -Hosted by Adam First

Songs
-----

-Frankie Goes To Hollywood
    "Two Tribes"

-Sigue Sigue Sputnik
   "Love Missile F-11"

-Gary Numan
    "Cars"

-The Human League
   "(Keep Feeling)Fascination"

-Blondie
    "Atomic"

-Nena
   "99 Luftballons"

-Kim Wilde
    "Kids In America"

-Tears For Fears
   "Pale Shelter"

-Corey Hart
    "Sunglasses At Night"

-A Flock of Seagulls
    "I Ran(So Far Away)"

-ABC
   "Poison Arrow"

-The Psychedelic Furs
   "Love My Way"

-Animotion
    "Obsession"

-Spandau Ballet
   "Gold"

-Thomas Dolby
    "Hyperactive!"

-Romeo Void
   "Never Say Never"

--Wildstyle
   -Rap Station
   -Hosted by Frank Silvestro

Songs
-----

-Trouble Funk
    "Pump Me Up"

-Davy DMX
   "One for the Treble (Vocal Mix)

-Cybotron
    "Clear"

-Hashim
   "Al-Naafiysh" (The Soul)

-Herbie Hancock
   "Looking For The Perfect Beat"


-Afrika Bambaataa & The SoulSonic Force
   "Rockit"

-2 Live Crew
    "Get it Girl"

-Run DMC
   "Rock Box"

-Mantronix
    "Bassline"

-Tyrone Brunson
   "The Smurf"

-Whodini
    "Magic's Wand"

-Zapp & Roger
   "More Bounce To The Ounce"

-Grandmaster Flas & The Furious Five
    "The Message"

-Man Parrish
    "Hip Hop Be Bop (Don't Stop)"

-Kurtis Blow
   "The Breaks"

--Emotion 98.3
   -80's Love Station
   -Hosted by Fernando Martinez

Songs
-----

-Foreigner
    "Waiting For A Girl Like You"

-Kate Bush
   "Wow"

-Squeeze
    "Tempted"

-Reo Speedwagon
   "Keep On Loving You"

-Jan Hammer
   "Crockett's Theme"

-Cutting Crew
    "I Just Died In Your Arms"

-Roxy Music
   "More Than This"

-Mr. Mister
   "Broken Wings"

-Toto
    "Africa"

-John Waite
    "Missing You"

-Night Ranger
    "Sister Christian"

-Luther Vandross
   "Never Too Much"


--------------------------------------
Script
--------------------------------------

(BIG THANKS TO EIFERSUCHT86)

--------------------------------------
A. Opening
--------------------------------------
Female: More moods wings than your pregnant wife, Emotion 98.3

Fernando: Hello, I am Fernando Martinez and this is Emotion.  When I first come
to Vice City I feel all lonely, a man on the outside, a foreigner, then I say
Fernando, you like to talk a lot so I get a well paid job on the radio and
begin to make my name as a successful DJ.  Now I'm not so lonely, but I never
forget my roots, I never forget, so I always have a soft spot for Foreigner,
I've been waiting is next.

--------------------------------------
B. Foreigner-I've Been Waiting (For a Girl Like You)
--------------------------------------

So long, I've been looking too hard, I've been waiting too long
Sometimes I don't know what I will find, I only know it's a matter of time.
When you love someone, when you love someone
It feels so right, so warm and true, I need to know if you feel it too

Maybe I'm wrong, won't you tell me if I'm coming on too strong
This heart of mine has been hurt before, this time I wanna be sure

I've been waiting for a girl like you to come into my life
I've been waiting for a girl like you, your loving will survive
I've been waiting for someone new to make me feel alive
Yeah, waiting for a girl like you to come into my life

You're so good, when we make love it's understood
It's more than a touch or a word can say
Only in dreams could it be this way
When you love someone, yeah, really love someone

Now I know it's right, from the moment I wake up till deep in the night
There's nowhere on earth that I'd rather be than holding you tenderly

I've been waiting for a girl like you to come into my life
I've been waiting for a girl like you, your loving will survive
I've been waiting for someone new to make me feel alive
Yeah, waiting for a girl like you to come into my life

I've been waiting, waiting for you, ooh, I've been waiting
I've been waiting
(I've been waiting for a girl like you, I've been waiting)
Won't you come into my life?

Female: 98.3 the Emotion, We give you emotion 24/7, not just once a month.

--------------------------------------
C. Petstuffers (Commercial)
--------------------------------------

Male: Oh Max, We go everywhere together, right boy?

Female: At Petstuffers we know there's nothing more then a relationship between
man and his dog, sometimes you just can't let go.

Male: Max you didn't eat your food that's the second week in a row, Max.

Female: When the unspeakable happens just put your four-legged friend in the
fridge or freezer, then call Petstuffers.  We'll be there within a week to pick
him up, and in less than a month he'll be back good as new.  Through and
ancient Egyptian miracle process called Taxidermy, you and your best friend
will always be together.

Male: Yea, that's a good dog.

Female: Petstuffers when you just can't let go, and coming soon Grandparents
forever.

--------------------------------------
D. Complete the Look (Commercial)
--------------------------------------

Male: Highlighted hair, faint brain-dead look in your eyes, something
missing?(Complete the look)
Complete the look with men's eyeliner at Vice City's one stop shop for people
who are cool when they cry.

Female: Wow, you look ambiguous.

Male: Complete the look.

--------------------------------------
E. Fernando Speaks
--------------------------------------

Fernando: Lets keep on breaking hearts and piring lines listen to me and more
of this.  Your on Emotion

--------------------------------------
F. Kate Bush-Wow
--------------------------------------

We're all alone on the stage tonight.
We've been told we're not afraid of you.
We know all our lines so well, uh-huh.
We've said them so many times:
Time and time again,
Line and line again.

Ooh, yeah, you're amazing!
We think you're incredible.
You say we're fantastic,
But still we don't head the bill.

Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Unbelievable!
Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Unbelievable!

When the actor reaches his death,
You know it's not for real. He just holds his breath.
But he always dives too soon, too fast to save himself.

He'll never make the screen.
He'll never make the 'Sweeney',
Be that movie queen.
He's too busy hitting the vaseline.

Ooh, yeah, you're amazing!
We think you are really cool.
We'd give you a part, my love,
But you'd have to play the fool.

Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Unbelievable!
Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! Unbelievable!

We're all alone on the stage tonight.
We're all alone,
On the stage,
Tonight.

--------------------------------------
G. Fernando Speaks
--------------------------------------

Fernando: I was losing myself in the music there for a moment, forgive me, it
just hits me so hard sometimes like a massive bit or masionary flying from a
high building, or something, or a truck driving over your foot ya know?
Powerful like a dream you go to work naked.  Lets take a break while I
recompose myself.  Remember too much emotion is always a good thing.

--------------------------------------
H. Farewell Ranch (Commercial)
--------------------------------------

Male: Howdy partners! It's 4:30 in the morning here at Farewell ranch. And it's
time to get up and work the old cow. Get up ya oaf! At Farewell Ranch, old
people don't sit around stagnating watching game shows and talking about the
good old days. Sinking into the grave with a urine soaked mess. At Farewell
Ranch they sweat and toil until the breaking point. Keep that miserable
contemplation of mortality at bay. Hell, at steering time, we'll work grandpa
so hard he'll wish he was dead. At the end of the day he'll sit down in the
blue grass eat a bowl of commemorative beans and enjoy a sing along at one of
our nightly funerals.
It's the cowboy's code. Work hard, don't shower and die in your boots. Right
Norm?

Norm: Ahh, my prostate!

Male: Farewell Ranch, the only way to ride into the sunset.

--------------------------------------
I. Squeeze-Tempted
--------------------------------------

Female: We express emotion because you can't(Emotion 98.3)


I bought a toothbrush, some toothpaste, a flannel for my face
Pajamas, a hairbrush, new shoes and a case.
I said to my reflection, Let's get out of this place.
Passed the church and the steeple, the laundry on the hill
Billboards and the buildings
Memories of it still keep calling
And calling
But forget it all I know I will
Tempted by the fruit of another
Tempted but the truth is discovered
What's been going on
Now that you have gone
There's no other
Tempted by the fruit of another
Tempted but the truth is discovered
I'm at the carpark, the airport, the baggage carousel
The people keep on grabbing, ain't wishing I was well
I said, "It's no occasion. It's no story I can tell."
At my bedside, empty pocket, a foot without a sock
Your body gets much closer
I fumble for the clock, alarmed by
The seduction
I wish that it would stop
Tempted by the fruit of another
Tempted but the truth is discovered
What's been going on
Now that you have gone there's no other
Tempted by the fruit of another
Tempted but the truth is discovered
I bought a novell, some perfume, a fortune all for you
But it's not my conscience that hates to be untrue.
I asked of my reflection,
Tell me what is there to do?
Tempted by the fruit of another
Tempted but the truth is discovered
What's been going on
Now that you have gone there's no other
Tempted by the fruit of another
Tempted but the truth is discovered

--------------------------------------
J. Fernando Speaks
--------------------------------------

Fernando: I think that song says so much about the Human heart don't you?  Or
as my people say Cor Ason.  My people make the womans and the cars bounce up
and down.  You see love important but so is the action, a real man needs more
than one thing in life, do you know what I'm saying here?  The heart and the
loins both on fire.  Groaning and straining and making hot dirty passionate
encounters with the secretaries, while the wife she sleeps at home.  I know I
have been there many times, your on Emotion, where the heart remains true.

--------------------------------------
K. REO Speedwagon-Keep on Loving You
--------------------------------------

You shoud've seen by the look in my eyes, baby
There was somethin missin
You shoud've known by the tone of my voice, maybe
But you didn't listen
You played dead
But you never bled
Instead you lay still in the grass
All coiled up and hissin

And though I know all about those men
Still I don't remember
Cause it was us baby, way before then
And we're still together
And I meant, every word I said
When I said that I love you I meant
That I love you forever

And I'm gonna keep on lovin you
Cause it's the only thing I wanna do
I don't wanna sleep
I just wanna keep on lovin you

And I meant every word I said
When I said that I love you I meant
That I love you forever

--------------------------------------
L. Fernando Speaks
--------------------------------------

Fernando: Oh, magnificent I play a song for you, tonight you come to Fernando's
night appearance at the club.  Fernando play some emotional music, maybe you'll
meet a pretty lady who isn't interested in your long term relationship.  But is
only in interested in the passion of life.  Maybe even right outside in the
parking lot.

Male: (Weeping) Emotion

--------------------------------------
M. Cutting Crew-(I Just)Died in Your Arms Tonight
--------------------------------------

Fernando: Next up we have a beautiful record for you to get in touch with
yourself, Cutting Crew I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight.  Must have been
something you said huh?

Oh I, I just died in your arms tonight
It must have been something you said
I just died in your arms tonight

(98.3 the Emotion)

I keep looking for something I can't get
Broken hearts lie all around me
And I don't see an easy way to get out of this
Her diary, it sits by the bedside table
The curtains are closed, the cats in the cradle
Who would've thought that a boy like me could come to this

Oh-oh-oh woh I, I just died in your arms tonight
It must have been something you said
I just died in your arms tonight
Oh-oh-oh woh, oh I, I just died in your arms tonight
It must have been some kinda kiss
I should have walked away, I should have walked away

Is there any just cause for feeling like this
On the surface I'm a name on a list
I try to be discreet but then blow it again
I've lost and found, it's my final mistake
She's loving by proxy, no give and all take
'Cause I've been thrilled to fantasy one too many times

Oh-oh-oh woh I, I just died in your arms tonight
It must have been something you said
I just died in your arms tonight
Woh-oh-oh I, I just died in your arms tonight
It must have been some kinda kiss
I should have walked away, I should have walked away

It was a long hot night
But she made it easy, she made it feel right
But now it's over, the moment has gone
I followed my hands not my head, I know I was wrong

Oh I, I just died in your arms tonight
It must have been something you said
I just died in your arms tonight
Oh I, I just died in your arms tonight(Fernando Singing Along)
It must have been some kinda kiss(Fernando Singing Along)
I should have walked away, I should have walked away

--------------------------------------
N. Fernando Tells a Story
--------------------------------------

Fernando: Let me tell you a story, the other night I was in a nightclub, as
usual I Fernando was surrounded by beautiful women, I could have made love to
any number of them, then this really ugly girl come in.  All fat, hairy and
ugly and stuff.  Like a big fat cow, all   walking on 2 legs ya know?  But she
had the most beautiful eyes I ever saw, it was like opening a big dirty crabby
shell and finding a beautiful pearl.  Than this record come on.  It was very
appropriate, I talk to long Fernando's rating go down, I finish my story luego.

--------------------------------------
O. Roxy Music-More Than This
--------------------------------------

I could feel at the time
There was no way of knowing
Fallen leaves in the night
Who can say where they´re blowing
As free as the wind
And hopefully learning
Why the sea on the tide
Has no way of turning
More than this - there is nothing
More than this - tell me one thing
More than this - there is nothing
It was fun for a while
There was no way of knowing
Like dream in the night
Who can say where we´re going
No care in the world
Maybe I´m learning
Why the sea on the tide
Has no way of turning
More than this - there is nothing
More than this - tell me one thing
More than this - there is nothing

--------------------------------------
P. Fernando Continues His Story
--------------------------------------

Fernando: Everytime, that track breaks my heart anew(Long Pause, Song
Continues), so anyway as I was saying this ugly girl in the nightclub you know?
Now of course I Fernando Martinez did not come home with this chick, as I have
a reputation to keep up, a code, but I could see she was all lonely and stuff,
and I feel really bad so I scour the nightclub, from top to bottom and then I
find this snuddy little English kid Paul or something, standing all alone so I
take him over to this ugly girl, I make them think, I make them talk, I tell
them some jokes and soon they are singing, and they are dancing.  And I say
Fernando you have a gift my friend, a gift for romance.  I like to see mens'
and womans' to get together.  People say Fernando use your gift make money or
buy a yacht, maybe a fast car, and I say Fernando is on the radio that is my
gift to Vice City!

Female: Emotion

Fernando: We just going to take a quick break, listen to some commercials and
stuff, don't go away you'll break Fernando's heart.

--------------------------------------
Q. Pastor Richards Salvation Fund
--------------------------------------

Pastor Richards: Do yourself a favor, take both hands off the wheel and touch
the stereo, do you feel the power? Ah yes friend, there's a lot of evil in this
world, but there's also light.  And I have been sent to shine a light on all
degenerates, philanerderers, Liberals and other evil doers and expose them for
what they really are. Don't waste your money on unnessacery and corrupting
material possessions, give it to me. There's only one thing that will save you.
A highly fortified structure in the shape of the most powerful thing on the
planet, me. Degenerates will ruin this great city. In my wonderful book I tell
of the impending disaster about to befall this planet, nuclear holocaust,
plagues of flying rodents, the seas rising up and turning yellow. It is coming,
it is written by me but you can save yourself. Contribute to the Pastor
Richards Salvation Statue Fund, pick up your telephone call now, 1-866-9SAVEME

Female: The Emotion

--------------------------------------
R. Pit Bomb
--------------------------------------

Male: The science of evolution has uncovered many of life's mysteries like
tadpoles or the pyramids. But the mystery of the armpit remains.
What's it for? Why is it hairy? And why do men have nipples? But one thing's
for certain, the armpit smells bad. Luckily there's Pit Bomb.
It's like Napalm for your skin or Agent Orange on your sweat glands.
Pit Bomb stops unwanted bodily functions in their tracks. It's as effective as
sending GIs into a peasant village. When you're fighting the war against
personal hygiene, bring out the heavy artillery.

--------------------------------------
S. Toto-Africa
--------------------------------------
Female: Whatever crusing means to you, here's music to cruise to, Emotion.

Fernando: Wasn't that beautiful?  Like a georgeous woman bending over to pick
something up you know?  Or a fat girl who suddenly loses a lot of weight.  I yi
yi.

(Song Starts)Fernando: Vice City is a beautiful town, no?  A real special place
filled with hopes and dreams and beautiful and hot women, and men like me.
Well not many men like me.  But it is a jungle out there a bit like Africa.
You can go out on a safari in Vice City and get a Rhino if you like.  I love
all woman, even the fat ones, though I don't tell anybody about that.  The next
record's all about Africa.  Toto take it away. I love you.

I hear the drums echoing tonight
But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation
She's coming in 12:30 flight
The moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation
I stopped an old man along the way
Hoping to find some long forgotten words or ancient melodies
He turned to me as if to say , "Hurry boy, it's waiting there for you"

Chorus:
It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
I miss the rains down in Africa
Gonna take some time to do the things we never had

The wild dogs cry out in the night
As they grow restless longing for some solitary company
I know that I must do what's right
As sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serangetti
I seek to cure what's deep inside, frightened of this thing that I've become

Chorus: It's gonna take...

Hurry boy, she's waiting there for you

Chorus: It's gonna take

--------------------------------------
T. Mister Mister-Broken Wings
--------------------------------------

Fernando: Welcome back you're on Emotion, Con Amigo Fernando Martinez. (Song
Continues)  Stay with me stay with Fernando. Por Favor, Mi amor, sialito, It's
like Fernando say to his ex-wife.  I love you please don't leave.  It is not
what you think, I was bitten by a snake and the nice lady, she came to suck out
the poison.  The story you see no work very well.

Female: The station for laughter and sorrow, heartbreak, and tears and those
post therapy session blues.  Emotion 98.3

Fernando: Marvelous, I love that record.  It grabs me by the crotch and shakes
me around until I am not sure if I am a man or a woman.  Then I remember I am
Fernando Martinez, Mister Fernando Martinez, and this is Mister Mister with
Broken Wings.

Baby, don't understand
Why we can't just hold on to each other's hands
This time might be the last I fear
Unless I make it all too clear
I need you so (oh)
Take these Broken Wings
And learn to fly again, learn to live so free
When we hear the voices sing
The book of love will open up and let us in
Take these Broken Wings

Baby, I think tonight
We can take what was wrong and make it right (mmm)
Baby, it's all I know
That you're half of the flesh and blood makes me whole
I need you so

So take these Broken Wings
And learn to fly again
Learn to live so free
When we hear the voices sing
The book of love will open up and let us in (ya ya, let us in, let us in)

Baby, that's all I know
That's you're half of the flesh and blood makes me whole (ya ya ya ya, ya ya)

So take these Broken Wings
And learn to fly again, learn to live so free
When we hear the voices sing
The book of love will open up and let us in

Take these Broken Wings
You got to learn to fly
Learn to live love so free
When we hear the voices sing
The book of love will open up for us and let us in (ya ya, ooh)

--------------------------------------
U. John Waite-Missing You
--------------------------------------

Fernando: Interesting stuff, but not as interesting as what happens when a man
and woman fall passionately in love, or maybe when things go wrong you will
need a man like Fernando, to sort things out, to make  things whole and better
again.  When your throwing household dishes at each other.  When she pulls out
the knife, when the heart and the crotch are not in alignment, you know?

Female: Your prescription for unwanted emotion.(Female Crying) (Emotion)

Everytime I think of you, I always catch my breath
And I'm still standing here, and you're miles away
And I'm wonderin' why you left
And there's a storm that's raging through my frozen heart tonight

I hear your name in certain circles, and it always makes me smile
I spend my time thinkin' about you, and it's almost driving me wild
And there's a heart that's breaking down this long distance line tonight

I ain't missing you at all since you've been gone away
I ain't missing you, no matter what I might say

There's a message in the wire, and I'm sending you this signal tonight
You don't know how desperate I've become
And it looks like I'm losing this fight
In your world I have no meaning, though I'm trying hard to understand
And it's my heart that's breaking down this long distance line tonight

Chorus:
I ain't missing you at all since you've been gone away
I ain't missing you, no matter what my friends say

And there's a message that I'm sending out, like a telegraph to your soul
And if I can't bridge this distance, stop this heartbreak overload

(chorus)

I ain't missing you, I ain't missing you, I can lie to myself

And there's a storm that's raging through my frozen heart tonight

(chorus)

Ain't missing you, I ain't missing you
I ain't missing you, I can lie to myself
Ain't missing you, I ain't missing you
I ain't missing you, I ain't missing you
I ain't missing you, I ain't missing you, ain't missing you, oh no
No matter what my friends might say, I ain't missing you...

--------------------------------------
V. Fernando Speaks
--------------------------------------

Fernando: This is Emotion breaking hearts and saving lives every hour of
everyday.  You see I'm your doctor of love, Fernando Martinez except I do not
go to medical school.  Fernando knows many languages but I mostly know the
language of love.  Some people call the radio station and say "Fernando are you
bilingual?"  I said I try anything once.  Hope you are having a powerful day!
Filled with love and passion and hot dirty action.  You know? Lets take a
break.  Don't go away please.  I'm begging you.

Male: (Crying) Emotion

--------------------------------------
W. Shady Acres (Commercial)
--------------------------------------

Male: I'm a VIP! And I wanna live around people like myself, rich and
divorced.(Shady Acres)

Avery: I'm Avery Carrington, Shady Acres is incredible upscale, state of the
art, top notch condominium development (Condo) A short drive out of town on
some christine wetlands. Away from the north and uninvited diversity of the
city! (Shady Acres) And when you buy into that dream that is Shady Acres, not
only do you get a luxuriest 5 thousand square foot condo with underground
parking for your newly acquired sports car, but there's also a jacuzzi for
entertainment. (Jacuzzi) Each condo is tastefully furnished with a stock bar
and a exotic water bed shaped like a dollar sign. Shady Acres also has a golf
range, firing range, heli-pad and exotic petting zoo when your kids come to
visit. (Shady Acres) You're successful!  Start defining your life style, start
defining yourself!

Females: Shady Acres

Avery: Shady Acres, happiness is worth the price! (Shady Acres)

--------------------------------------
X. Jan Hammer-Crockett's Theme
--------------------------------------

(Song Starts)

Female: Emotion

Fernando: Have you noticed how popular synthesizers are getting?  It's not the
same as a lonely man with a pony tail, singing of his love on a guitar. At the
door of his hermes hacienda.  But it is not far short. See what you think of
mister Jan Hammer.

This song is only an instrumental.  Therefore there are no lyrics.

(After song)

Fernando: Oh that was magnificent like a beautiful woman or a group of ugly
despite ones.  You know the kind anyone can get a hold of.  Even if your a
little slow and take special classes.  Your listening to Fernando Martinez on
Emotion.  You remember it's a good thing to feel the emotion but don't have too
much emotion you might get an order of protection against you.

Female: 98.3 Emotion

Fernando: Fernando is feeling very emotional right now, so we need to take a
break.

--------------------------------------
Y. Musty Pines(Commercial)
--------------------------------------

Female: Are you tired of your couches getting ruined?

Male: Oh grandpa.

Grandpa: I made tinkles again!

Male: If you've got old people cluttering up your home. Why not send them to
Musty Pines?  We'll help bring back dignity and we promise it'll be the best
three months of their lives.  They'll enjoy bingo, complaining, mumbling
incoherently, skinny-dipping and organ donation.  And once a month it's our
famous lucky dip medication switching night. Musty Pines is located at a
luxurious location overlooking Vice City's state of the art sanitation
facilities. You can still visit your old people, but now you have the comfort
of knowing you don't have to. After they pass on to something better,
guaranteed in three months or less, you can start enjoying their money.
Finally, you can have quality family time again. Musty Pines, now you don't
have to say goodbye.  Drive through service also available.

--------------------------------------
Z. Night Ranger-Sister Christian
--------------------------------------

Fernando: This is Emotion lets keep on with the power, this track will break
your heart. It's the power of music.(Song Starts)

Fernando: Oh magnificent!

Female: Emotion

Fernando: I touch myself.

Sister Christian, oh the time has come
And you know that you're the only one to say, OK
Where you goin', what you looking for
You know those boys don't want to play no more with you
It's true

{Refrain}
You're motoring
What's your price for flight
In finding Mister Right
You'll be all right tonight

Babe, you know you're growing up so fast
And momma's worrying that you won't last to say, let's play
Sister Christian, there's so much in life
Don't you give it up before your time is due
It's true, it's true, yeah

You're motoring
What's your price for flight
You've got him in your sights
And driving through the night

{Refrain twice}

Sister Christian, oh the time has come
And you know that you're the only one to say, OK
But you're motoring
Yeah, motoring

Fernado: Really interesting I think, what about you? Do you like that one does
it make you tremble and quiver and groan and feel alive?  I play the music that
makes the people feel touched.  Don't go away.

--------------------------------------
AA. Domesto-bot (Commercial)
--------------------------------------

Male: Ever since Linda started working, our kids are home alone.

Linda: We tried hiring a nanny but she wanted health insurance.

Male: Yeah right, that's when we got Domesto-bot. He's great with the kids.

Domesto-bot: Mrs Lorris, Tommy has some skin magazines under the bed.

Linda: And he helps us too.

Domesto-bot: Would you like your drink portioned?

Male: He's a great conversation piece at our special parties.

Domesto-bot: Please move your car keys and the fun will begin.

Linda: It's like having a personalized alarm clock.

Domesto-bot: I've brought you a drink.

Male: Ah, it's eight in the morning!

Domesto-bot: I made it a double.

Linda: Ah Domesto-bot.

Male #2: Domesto-bot, he's three foot high, he only says ten phrases, he's the
friend you've always dreamed of, order Domesto-bot today.

--------------------------------------
BB. Fernando's Medallion Man (Commercial)
--------------------------------------

Fernando: Hello, I am Fernando Martinez, I think by now you know I am an
emotional kind of guy.  People stop me in the street and say, Fernando what the
hell is wrong with me? Silk-shirt, hairy chest, enough aftershave to drown a
household pet, but I still cannot get a woman. And I tell them, you are an
ignorant fool. Without the symbol of power and fertility around your neck, What
kind of woman is going to respect you? That's why I've teamed up with Medallion
Man, the shop for medallion needs. Medallion Man caters to all levels of
masculinity, for the strong silent type a medallion the size of a hub cap will
say everything that needs to be said. Even singing medallions for the Casanova
who knows music is the food of love. My old drains, thal houses, diapers,
whatever your interest, we've got the medallion for you. Don't forget, every
woman knows, if you can't support a medallion, you can't support a family.

--------------------------------------
CC. Luther Vandross-Never Too Much
--------------------------------------

I can't fool myself, I don't want nobody else to ever love me
You are my shinin' star, my guiding light, my love fantasy
There's not a minute, hour, day or night that I don't love you
You're at the top of my list because I'm always thinkin' of you

I still remember in the days when I scared to touch you
How I spent my day dreamin' plannin' how to say I love you
You must have known that I had feelings deep enough to swim in
That's when you opened up your heart and you told me to come in

Oh, my love
A thousand kisses from you is never too much
I just don't wanna stop

Oh, my love
A million days in your arms is never too much
I just don't wanna stop

Too much, never too much, never too much, never too much

Woke up today, looked at your picture just to get me started
I called you up, but you weren't there and I was broken hearted
Hung up the phone, can't be too late, the boss is so demandin'
Opened the door up and to my surprise there you were standin'

Well, who needs to go to work to hustle for another dollar
I'd rather be with you because you make my heart scream and holler
Love is a gamble and I'm so glad that I'm winnin'
We've come a long way and yet this is only the beginnin'

Oh, my love
A thousand kisses from you is never too much
(Never too much, never too much, never too much)
I just don't wanna stop

Oh, my love
A million days in your arms is never too much
(Never too much, never too much, never too much)
And I just don't wanna stop

Oh, my love
A thousand kisses from you is never
(Never too much, never too much, never too much)
I just don't wanna stop

Oh, my love
A million days in your arms is never too much

--------------------------------------
DD. Thor's Norse Power Program(Commercial)
--------------------------------------

Male: For thousands of years Americans have looked for answer to life's
difficult questions. Now, millions of people just like you are finding answers
and taking charge of there lives.  Through the original, patented and proven
program of Valhalla's finest deity, Thor.

Thor: Treasure awaits you but beware of your woman folk treatury is deep within
her.  By the coming of spring she shall be no more.

Female: Thor changed my life.

Male: Author of two bestselling self help books translated from the original
runic into 25 languages, Thor has helped millions realize their dreams.

Thor: Beware of the trap set by the frost giants, carry your magic
hammer.(Crowd Cheers)

Male: Available on record or cassette the personal Norse power program looks to
the myths of the Vikings for answers.

Female: Can you give my husband an ounce of advice to help keep things hot in
the bedroom?

Thor: Take a longboat with 20 of your finest men, head to where the sun sets,
there you will find a village, pillage thunder and burn all that you find!

Male: And if you order now, you'll receive Thor's subliminal tape series.  So
you gain wisdom of the Gods while sleeping.

Male #2: Accept the crystal cup at the feast beware of the dwarf.

Male: Thor's personal Norse power program, call now 866-PILLAGE.  That's 866-
PILLAGE
--------------------------------------
EE.BJ Smith's Fit For Football(Commercial)
--------------------------------------

BJ Smith: Hi, I'm BJ Smith. In my long and illustrious three year career at the
top of pro football.  I whooped some serious ass and got paid for it. They
didn't call me death in tight pants for nothing.  When you've had such a
rewarding career maiming others as I have, you know how to stay fit. Through
running, wrestling, stuffing 20s down panties of foxy strippers, firearm
training, an in days swoop and beating the hell out of your fellow man. That's
what keeps me healthy. And now, using training methods, I perfected. It's going
to work for you with BJ's Fit for Football. Watch those pounds fall off. I'm
down to 300 pounds using exactly the method I demonstrated on tape. I mean, who
are you gonna trust to get fit? A man who can rip your arm off and beat you in,
or an aerobics instructor who wouldn't get drafted by the local hopscotch team?
Hell no, BJ's Fit for Football, out now on Beta and VHS. Remember to win in a
game of football, or life, you have to annihilate everything in your path in a
blind rage.




--Flash FM
   -Classic 80's Station
   -Hosted by Toni (From GTA3)

Songs
-----

-Hall & Oates
    "Out Of Touch"

-Wang Chung
   "Dance Hall Days"

-Michael Jackson
    "Billie Jean"

-Laura Branigan
   "Self Control"

-Go West
    "Call Me"

-Inxs
   "Kiss The Dirt" (Falling Down the Mountain)

-Bryan Adams
    "Run To You"

-Electric Light Orchestra
   "Four Little Diamonds"

-Yes
    "Owner Of A Lonely Heart"

-The Buggles
   "Video Killed The Radio Star"

-Aneka
    "Japanese Boy"

-Talk Talk
   "Life's What You Make It"

-The Outfield
    "Your Love"

-Joe Jackson
   "Stepping Out"

-The Fixx
    "One Things Leads to Another"

-Wildstyle Pirate Radio
   -80's Rap Station
   -Hosted by Mr. Magic

-Lionel Richie
   "Running With The Night"

==========
4. Script
==========

(BIG THANKS TO ELEMENTX)

a) Toni: Yoo-hoo it's Toni right here on Flash, your hot source for hot flashy
hits. When these guys are done with me I'd walk like an Egyptian.. Or a Cowboy.
----------
Announcer: Flash FM
----------------------------------
b) Yes - Owner Of A Lonely Heart //
----------------------------------
Move yourself
You always live your life
Never thinking of the future
Prove yourself
You are the move you make
Take your chances win or loser

See yourself
You are the steps you take
You and you and that's the only way

Shake - shake yourself
You're every move you make
So the story goes

Owner of a lonely heart
Owner of a lonely heart
Much better than a Owner of a broken heart
Owner of a lonely heart

Say you don't want to chance it
You've been hurt so before

Watch it now
The eagle in the sky
How he's dancin' one and only
You - lose yourself
No not for pity's sake
There's no real reason to be lonely
Be yourself
Give your free will a chance
You've got to want to succeed

Owner of a lonely heart
Owner of a lonely heart
Much better than a Owner of a broken heart
Owner of a lonely heart

Owner of a lonely heart

After my own decision
They confused me so - Owner of a lonely heart
My love said never question your will at all
In the end you've got to go
Look before you leap - Owner of a lonely heart
And don't you hesitate at all - no no

Owner of a lonely heart
Owner of a lonely heart
Much better than a Owner of a broken heart
Owner of a lonely heart
Owner of a lonely heart...

---------
c) Toni: Wooooooww! It's Flash FM. I like ya huge and Flashy...Flashy
flashy...Flash flash. Hmm...It's Flash FM.

-----------------------------
d) Sissy Sprits commercial //
-----------------------------
Singing: higher..!
Man: The key to feeling great is looking great, and the way to look great is to
have great hair. That's great.
Singing: Take your hair higher! Take your hair to the limits!
Man: Use Sissy Sprits when your clubbing or sticking your head out of a stretch
limo sunroof you want to know your hair is performing to the limits.
Singing: Higher! Gonna get higher than the sky!
Man: With Sissy Sprits, its hair for the future not the past. When you have
great hair people know you're a winner.
Singing: ..Gonna fly on my own hair tonight!
Man: Sissy Sprits may cause dry mouth, dilated pupils, paranoia, heart
palpitations and nose bleeds but your hair will be great.
----------
Announcer: Crazy people love to Flash
-----------------------------------------------
e) The Buggles - Video Killed the Radio Star //
-----------------------------------------------
I heard you on the wireless back in Fifty-Two
Lying awake intent at tuning in on you
If I was young it didn't stop you coming through
Oh-a oh
They took the credit for your second symphony
Rewritten by machine and new technology,
and now I understand the problems you can see
Oh-a oh
I met your children
Oh-a oh
What did you tell them?
Video killed the radio star
Video killed the radio star
Pictures came and broke your heart
Oh-a-a-a oh
And now we meet in an abandoned studio
We hear the playback and it seems so long ago
And you remember how the jingles used to go
Oh-a oh
You were the first one
Oh-a oh
You were the last one
Video killed the radio star
Video killed the radio star
In my mind and in my car, we can't rewind we've gone to far
Oh-a-aho oh
Oh-a-aho oh
Video killed the radio star
Video killed the radio star
In my mind and in my car, we can't rewind we've gone to far
Pictures came and broke your heart, put the blame on VTR
You are a radio star
You are a radio star
Video killed the radio star
Video killed the radio star
Video killed the radio star
Video killed the radio star
Video killed the radio star
You are a radio star..
----------
Announcer: Flash FM..

--------------------------
f) Aneka - Japanese Boy //
--------------------------
He said that he loved me
never would go
oh oh
oh oh
Now I find I'm sitting here on my own
oh oh
oh oh
Was it something I've said or done

That made him pack his bags up and run?
Could it be another he's found
It's breaking up the happy home
Mister
can you tell me where my love has gone?
He's a Japanese boy
I woke up one morning and my love was gone

Oh
my Japanese boy
ooh
I miss my Japanese boy

People ask about him every day
oh oh
oh oh
Don't know what to tell them
what can I say? Oh oh
oh
If only he would write me or call
A word of explanation
that's all
It would stop me climbing the wall
It's breaking up the happy home

Mister can you tell me where my love has gone?
Was it something I've said or done

That made him pack his bags up and run?
Mister can you tell me where my love has gone?
He's a Japanese boy
I woke up once morning and my love was gone

----------
g) Toni: Now that's what I call a record for young people. I mean, don't you
just hate old people who try to be trendy? I mean isn't it just the worst thing
imaginable? I'll give you a story about that after this..

---------------------------
h) Degenatron commercial //
---------------------------
Man: Are ya tired of dad?
Boy: Dad, no-one wants to hear your stupid Vietnam stories!
Man: Are ya tired of mom?
Mom: Hi angel, do you want to read a book or go outside?
Boy: Nooo!
Background: Degenatron!
Man: The arcade comes to your living room, only without the creepy guys
offering to show you puppies.
Kids: Awesome!
Man: The degenatron, you can play video games just like you are in the Arcade.
Kids: Excellent!
Background: Degenatron!
Man: The degenatron gaming system plays three exciting games including Defender
of the Faith, where you save the green dots with your fantastic flying red
square.
Kids: Cool!
Man: Monkey's Paradise, where you swing from green dot to green dot with your
red square monkey.
Kids: That's rad!
Man: And Penetrator, where you smash the green dots deep inside the mysterious
red square.
Kids: Wow!
Man: The Degenatron brings arcade realism to your living room. It can even take
quarters and a strange sweaty man comes by to empty the machine on Fridays.
Background: Degenatron!
Man: Degenatron, fighting the evil of boredom.
Kids: I'll never go to school again!
Background: Degenatron!
----------
(Music plays)
Announcer: Like a creature of the night. It's Flash FM.
----------
i) Toni: What was I saying? Oh...oh yeah yeah yeah, old people. Go back where
you came from. I was at this party the other night, where a really famous
British band - now I can't say who, but lets just say that hair spray and Sissy
Sprits were definitely an attendance. So right, there was this old cow. I mean
she was OLD! Must have been like 30. At least. Which is what, 100 in cow years.
At any rate, she was really annoying the band, by throwing herself at them. I
mean.. GEEZ! By the time I'm thirty I'd be doing something REALLY important.

-----------------------------------------
j) Talk Talk - Life's what you make it //
-----------------------------------------
Baby, life's what you make it
Can't escape it

Baby, yesterday's favourite
Don't you hate it

Baby, life's what you make it
Don't back date it

Baby, don't try to shade it
Beauty is naked

Baby, Life's what you make it
Celebrate it
Anticipate it
Yesterday's faded
Nothing can change it
Life's what you make it

----------
k) Toni: Ya know, I just love pop music. I really do, It's what makes us
different from hippies.. Other than the long hair and the smell. (music plays
in background) and Sissy sprits of course. You've gotta be careful with that
stuff. I was dancing with my lighter and my hair went up like a Christmas tree.

------------------------------
l) The Outfield - Your Love //
------------------------------
Josie's on a vacation far away
Come around and talk it over
So many things that I want to say
You know I like my girls a little bit older
I just wanna use your love tonight
I don't wanna lose your love tonight

I ain't got many friends left to talk to
No-one's around when I'm in trouble
You know I'd do anything for you
Stay the night we'll keep it under cover
I just wanna use your love tonight
I don't wanna lose your love tonight

Try to stop my hands from shakin'
Somethin' in my mind's not makin' sense
It's been awhile since we've been all alone
I can't hide the way I'm feelin'

As you leave me please would you close the door
and forget what I told you
Just 'cause you're right that don't mean I'm wrong
Another shoulder to cry upon
I just wanna use your love tonight
I don't wanna lose your love tonight
Yeah
I just wanna use your love tonight
I don't wanna lose your love tonight
Lose your love Lose your love
Lose your love

---------------------
m) Blox commercial //
---------------------
(Man screaming)

Man: Germs are running scared.
     Last Year communists killed 34 hard working Americans, but germs kill over
25 million people. Your home much like America is constantly under attack from
germs. And we all know what germs cause; Dyslexia and Leprosy. Thank goodness
there's blox.
Man: Blox sends germs running like refugees, just add a few tablespoons to your
child's bath, and put them in the tub. (Child starts crying) Presto! That
tingly sensation is germs dying. Now your child has rosy red skin and is 100%
germ free. Now that means little Jimmy won't catch a cold or ask difficult
questions about reproduction. It's even great for Rover's breath. (Dog starts
whining) Now we sleep peacefully, free from germs. Blox is endorsed by the
society for cleaner America. It uses a patented formula produced by the
Pentagon for use in the field, now it's available for use in the home.
Chanting in background: Blox Blox Blox Blox!
Man: Some germs hate acid, some germs hate bleach, Blox kills indiscriminately.

--------------------------
n) Laura Ingalls Wilder //
--------------------------
Woman: What's this I found under your bed? The only Engels you're going to be
reading is Laura Ingalls Wilder.
Man: If you think your child might be a red? Here are some warning signs: They
read complicated literature and have concern for their fellow man. They even
like to share. Tell your kids that if someone approaches them with pamphlets
about recycling, an invitation to a labour rally or show any doubts about the
fairness of our system then they should find a teacher or a policeman
immediately.
----------
Announcer: Flash FM. We tell you what's good. Then we pl(Strange noises)ay it
'til you like it.
--------------------------------
o) Joe Jackson - Stepping out //
--------------------------------
Now
The mist across the window hides the lines
But nothing hides the colour of the lights that shine
Electricity so fine
Look and dry your eyes

We
So tired of all the darkness in our lives
With no more angry words to say
Can come alive
Get into a car and drive
To the other side

Me babe, steppin out
Into the night
Into the light
You babe, steppin out
Into the night
Into the light

We
Are young but getting old before our time
We'll leave the T.V. and the radio behind
Don't you wonder what we'll find
Steppin out tonight

You
Can dress in pink and blue just like a child
And in a yellow taxi turn to me and smile
We'll be there in just a while
If you follow me

Me babe, steppin out
Into the night
Into the light
You babe, steppin out
Into the night
Into the light

----------
p) Toni: This' Toni and you're on Flash, where we play nothing but the best pop
music, all day, every day until the end of time. Which could be tomorrow, so
live like it's forever, today.
----------
Announcer: Commercials; Bad, Music; good. Flash FM, now with zero commercials.
Please help support Flash FM. Send your donations today.
----------
q) Toni: Lets have another record, you're on Flash and I'm flashing ya
baby...The girls are out.

-------------------------------------------
r) The Fixx - One Thing Leads To Another //
-------------------------------------------
The deception with tact, just what are you trying to say?
You've got a blank face, which irritates
Communicate, pull out your party piece
You see dimensions in two
State your case with black or white
But when one little cross leads to shots, grit your teeth
You run for cover so discreet, why don't they

Do what they say, say what you mean
One thing leads to another
You told me something wrong, I know I listen too long
But then one thing leads to another.

The impression that you sell
Passes in and out like a scent
But the long face that you see comes from living close
To your fears
If this is up then I'm up but you're running out of sight
You've seen your name on the walls
And when one little bump leads to shock miss a beat
You run for cover and there's heat, why don't they:

Do what they say, say what they mean
One thing leads to another
You told me something wrong, I know I listen too long
But then one thing leads to another
One thing leads to another

Then it's easy to believe
Somebody's been lying to me
But when the wrong word goes in the right ear
I know you've been lying to me
It's getting rough, off the cuff I've got to say enough's enough

Bigger the harder he falls
But when the wrong antidote is like a bulge on the throat
You runs for cover in the heat why don't they

----------
s) Toni: What a band, What a song. We're gonna take a break. Don't go away,
don't go anywhere. If you're leaving the house, stay at home and listen to more
Flash.
----------
Announcer: If it's popular, we do it. Flash FM, totally awesome.
-----------------------------
t) Giggle cream commercial //
-----------------------------
Singers: Gi-gi gi-gi Giggle Cream! Wa-wa wa-wa-wa-wa wa wa-wa
         wa-wa That's the sound I love
Man: Stop the morning, you make my night
Female: With Giggle Cream with everything, you make life bright
Man: Getting tired of my faith, laughing and getting high
Female: With giggle cream, get the feeling, and what's more fun
        than that?
Singers: Gi-gi-gi-gi-gi With giggle Wa-wa wa-wa-wa-wa wa wa-wa
         wa-wa That's the sound I love
Man: Giggle cream! it makes desert funny!

----------
u) (Music plays)
Toni: Welcome back to Flash FM. I'm Toni and this' the number one station in
south of Florida, from the beach all the way up to the swamps. We only play the
hits because thats what you like best.

--------------------------------------------
v) Lionel Richie - Running With The Night //
--------------------------------------------
The heart of the city street was beating
Light from the neons turned the dark to day
We were too hot to think of sleeping
We had to get out before the magic got away

We were running with the night
Playing in the shadows
Just you and I,
'til the morning light
We were running,
running with the night

You were looking so good girl,
heads were turning
You and me on the town ooh,
we let it all hang out
The fire was in us,
we were burning
We were gonna go all the way and we never had a doubt

We were running with the night
Playing in the shadows
Just you and I, 'til the morning light
We were running,
running with the night

We were so in love you and me
On the boulevard wild and free
Giving all we got, we laid it down
Taking every shot, we took the town

We were running with the night
Playing in the shadows
Just you and I, girl it was so right, so right
We were running
Oh
running with the night

----------
Announcer: If you have acne, you'll love Flash. Flash FM (echoes)
----------
w) Toni: ..Show me what you got (giggles)
----------
Announcer: If nobody understands you, we do. Flash FM, music for the me
           generation.
------------------------------------
x) Halls And Oates - Out Of Touch //
------------------------------------
Shake it up is all that we know
Using the bodies up as we go
Waking up to fantasy
The shates all around aren't the colours we used to see
Broken ice still melts in the sun
And times that are broken can often be one again
We're soul alone
And soul really matters to me
Take a look around

You're out of touch
I'm out of time
But I'm out of my head when you're not around

Reaching out for something to hold
Looking for a love where the climate is cold
Manic moves and drowsy dreams
Or living in the middle between the two extremes
Smoking guns hot to the touch
Would cool down if we didn't use them so much
We're soul alone
And soul really matters to me
Too much

----------
y) Toni: Remember to listen all day like, even when your sleeping. We're gonna
be giving away the Flash fantasy giveaway. Where you and a stranger will fly to
see a concert in Idaho or Nebraska or.. Indiana.. oh who pays attention to the
mid-west anyway.
--------------------------------------------
z) Rusty Browns ring donuts commercial //
--------------------------------------------
Male: How do you like to enjoy a Rusty Brown's Ring Donut?
Male #2: I like to lick lovingly around the outside and then thrust my tongue
in the middle.
Female: I like to munch it vigourously.
Male #3: I just love the batter. All over my face.
Male #4: On Friday nights I just can't stop eating Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts.
Female: Oh my god, it's so good.
Male #5: Sometimes I like to wear women's panties and walk around 5th Street.
Male: When you go Downtown, make sure you enjoy Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts.

----------

----------------------------------
aa) Knife after dark commercial //
----------------------------------
Man: He was just the boy next door.
Old Man: Well hello there Danny! I didn't know it was hockey season.
Boy: Hey can I borrow a knife!?
Man: A deadly curse, a deranged killer, a small town in tears! Knife
     After Dark rated R for Retarded.

----------
bb) Toni: Hey listen up now, this one goes out to the team at Rusty Browns ring
donuts. Here's another track fresh out of the oven.. Fresh outta my oven.
Here's some Wang Chung for you boys.

-----------------------------------
cc) Wang Chung - Dance Hall Days //
-----------------------------------
Take your baby by the hand
And make her do a high handstand
And take your baby by the heel
And do the next thing that you feel

We were so in phase
in our dance hall days
We were cool on craze
When all you and everyone we knew
Could believe, do, and share in what was true

Dance hall days love

Take your baby by the hair
And pull her close and there, there, there
And take your baby by the ears
And play upon her darkest fears

We were so in phase
in our dance hall days
We were cool on craze
When all you and everyone we knew
Could believe, do, and share in what was true

Dance hall days love
Dance hall days
Dance hall days love

Take your baby by the wrist
And in her mouth an amethyst
And in her eyes two sapphires blue
And you need her and she needs you
And you need her and she needs you
And you need her and she needs you
And you need her and she needs you
And you need her and she needs you

We were so in phase
in our dance hall days
We were cool on craze
When all you and everyone we knew
Could believe, do, and share in what was true

Dance hall days love
Dance hall days love
Dance hall days
Dance hall days love
Dance hall days
Dance hall days love
Dance hall days
Dance hall days love...

----------
Toni: Flash
----------
Announcer: Flash FM
----------
dd) Toni: I love to get Flashed.  The real action is right here baby on Flash
with me, Toni, the hottest thing to hit the radio since.. music.
----------
Announcer: Now if it's totally tubular, rad or awesome. It's on Flash FM.
----------
ee) Toni: Here's a record thats been number one..heh.. for as long as we say
so.
------------------------------------
ff) Michael Jackson - Billie Jean //
------------------------------------
She Was More Like A Beauty Queen From A Movie Scene
I Said Don't Mind, But What Do You Mean I Am The One
Who Will Dance On The Floor In The Round
She Said I Am The One Who Will Dance On The Floor In The Round

She Told Me Her Name Was Billie Jean, As She Caused A Scene
Then Every Head Turned With Eyes That Dreamed Of Being The One
Who Will Dance On The Floor In The Round

People Always Told Me Be Careful Of What You Do
And Don't Go Around Breaking Young Girls' Hearts
And Mother Always Told Me Be Careful Of Who You Love
And Be Careful Of What You Do 'Cause The Lie Becomes The Truth

Billie Jean Is Not My Lover
She's Just A Girl Who Claims That I Am The One
But The Kid Is Not My Son
She Says I Am The One, But The Kid Is Not My Son

For Forty Days And Forty Nights
The Law Was On Her Side
But Who Can Stand When She's In Demand
Her Schemes And Plans
'Cause We Danced On The Floor In The Round
So Take My Strong Advice, Just Remember To Always Think Twice
(Do Think Twice)

She Told My Baby That's A Threat
As She Looked At Me
Then Showed A Photo Of A Baby Cries
Eyes Would Like Mine
Go On Dance On The Floor In The Round, Baby

People Always Told Me Be Careful Of What You Do
And Don't Go Around Breaking Young Girls' Hearts
She Came And Stood Right By Me
Then The Smell Of Sweet Perfume
This Happened Much Too Soon
She Called Me To Her Room

Billie Jean Is Not My Lover
She's Just A Girl Who Claims That I Am The One
But The Kid Is Not My Son
Billie Jean Is Not My Lover
She's Just A Girl Who Claims That I Am The One
But The Kid Is Not My Son
She Says I Am The One, But The Kid Is Not My Son
She Says I Am The One, But The Kid Is Not My Son
Billie Jean Is Not My Lover
She's Just A Girl Who Claims That I Am The One
But The Kid Is Not My Son
She Says I Am The One, But The Kid Is Not My Son
She Says I Am The One, She Says He Is My Son
She Says I Am The One
Billie Jean Is Not My Lover
Billie Jean Is Not My Lover..

----------
gg) Toni: That was hot like leather seats on a 100 degree day.  That's
fahrenheight, not Celsius. But it is BOILING IN HERE! I'm taking it off to this
next track. It is hot baby.  You know what it takes to make a great record and
so does Laura Branigan.

------------------------------------
hh) Laura Branigan - Self Control //
------------------------------------
Oh, the night is my world
City light painted girl
In the day nothing matters
It's the night time that flatters
In the night, no control
Through the wall something's breaking
Wearing white as you're walkin'
Down the street of my soul

You take my self, you take my self control
You got me livin' only for the night
Before the morning comes, the story's told
You take my self, you take my self control

Another night, another day goes by
I never stop myself to wonder why
You help me to forget to play my role
You take my self, you take my self control

I, I live among the creatures of the night
I haven't got the will to try and fight
Against a new tomorrow, so I guess I'll just believe it
That tomorrow never comes

A safe night, I'm living in the forest of my dream
I know the night is not as it would seem
I must believe in something, so I'll make myself believe it
That this night will never go

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

Oh, the night is my world
City light painted girl
In the day nothing matters
It's the night time that flatters

I, I live among the creatures of the night
I haven't got the will to try and fight
Against a new tomorrow, so I guess I'll just believe it
That tomorrow never knows

A safe night, I'm living in the forest of a dream
I know the night is not as it would seem
I must believe in something, so I'll make myself believe it
That this night will never go

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh
You take my self, you take my self control..

----------
ii) Toni: It's a little self control, you show me yours I'll show you mine,
It's Flash FM.
-----------------------------------
jj) Complete the look commercial //
-----------------------------------
Male: 65 bracelets. Dirty street trash clothing. Something missing?
Female: Complete the look!
Male: Complete the look with a single hand fingerless lacey glove at Vice
City's one stop shop for people who know underwear should be worn on the
outside.
Female: Wow! You look trendy!
Male: Complete the look
Female: Complete the look!
----------

------------------
kk) Synth & Son //
------------------
Male: We have some sad news for you, Rock & Roll is dead, and pop is in! Why
not discover the excitement of the science of music yourself, and Synths & Son
the home of keyboards! Thanks to the science of music, you don't need musical
talent to make great music. Just listen (makes sound) I created that, just by
pressing a button. Synthesizers are the new way! Why work hard on difficult
compositions, when a machine can make music better than you've ever dreamed of?
You'll be the hit of the party!  It's perfect for in-restaurant entertainment,
cover bands and funerals.  Make fuse funky, and death marches danceable! It's
the science of music at Synth & Son. Remember - you don't know your a great
musician, until you try!

----------
ll) Toni: Toni here feeling fine going double time thats my rhyme. Sticks and
stones may break my bones but when you go west, you gotta call me.
------------------------
mm) Go West - Call Me //
------------------------
Face to face
My reflection in your eyes
I was scared to say too much
Perfect strangers in perfect worlds apart
Almost close enough to touch
Staring at my shoes
Feeling so confused
Shot down without a gun
Victim of a hit and run
Won't you...

Call me, call me
No time to hesitate, we must communicate
Call me, call me
Won't you call this number now

Mesmerised
I go back to where we met
A reconstruction of the crime
I can't track you down
Nowhere to be found
Now my one shot at success
Is the power of the press
Won't you...

Call me, call me
No time to hesitate, we must communicate
Call me, call me
Won't you call this number now

Worlds apart, we are worlds apart

Watch this space
There's a message here for you
No need to read between the lines
I am inside out
There can be no doubt
I want you and no-one else
Please identify yourself

Call me, call me
No time to hesitate, we must communicate
Call me, call me
Won't you call this number now

----------
nn) Toni: Flash FM. If it's number one your gonna hear it all day baby!  God
that is so totally awesome. Someone just called in asking me if this was Musty
Pines and I'm like.. For Sure. These songs never get old. Heres one for the
high school prom.  Gag me with a spoon, and I mean that in a good way.
-------------------------------------------------------
oo) Inxs - Kiss The Dirt (Falling Down The Mountain) //
-------------------------------------------------------

Playing in the dirt
We find the seeds of doubt
Don't water them with your tears
Don't think about all the years
You'd rather be without

Eden let's me in
I find the seeds of love
And climb upon the highwire
I kiss and tell all my fears

Falling down the mountain
End up kissing dirt
Look a little closer
Sometimes it wouldn't hurt

Playing in the dirt
We find the seeds of fun
And we scream like alleycats
Tearing down what we attack
To prove that we are one

Cutting through the night
And we find the seeds of lust
And loose our minds on one intent
These passions never seem to end

----------
pp) Toni: Man, I just caught a glimpse of myself and my hair looks damn good.
I'm going Sissy Sprits more often. Look at me go.
----------
Announcer: Flash FM
----------------------------------
qq) Just the Five of us commercial //
----------------------------------
Speaker: This Friday night it's the incredible sitcom that's captured America's
hearts and given the whole country a new catchphrase.
Timmy: But I'm 42!
Speaker: Just the Five of Us! After a mix up at the adoption agency the
         Chesterfields came home with three zany new houseguests.
Dad: Timmy, tidy your room and go to bed.
Jimmy: I'm so sick of this! I keep telling you I've got a rare disease. I look
12 but I'm a 42-year-old investment banker. I wanna go out and get laid.
Dad: Oh yeah and I'm Santa Claus. Now tidy your room.
Timmy: Asshole!
Dad: Shawn, our posh suburban home must be a welcome change from that alley you
were sleeping in.
Shawn: I really enjoy living here but there's not enough booze.
Speaker: It's the funniest most touching half-hour on television.
Dad: Charlotte, what's that smell?
Charlotte: I set the couch on fire again.
Shawn: Here I can help you with that.
Speaker: And this week it's a very special Just the Five of Us where an
         attractive blonde lady tries to steal Timmy away.
Timmy: Now you're talkin!
Speaker: Just the Five of Us, Friday nights on VNC!

----------
rr) (Music Plays)
Toni: Alright alright, call your parents call your mother call in sick to work.
I have a special treat for you. I'm telling you this ones on compact disc,
compact disc! Have you seen these things, they're in stores now.  I'm telling
ya it's gonna knock your socks off. It's like a record only it's played by
lasers that won't skip. WOW!
-------------------------------
ss) Bryan Adams - Run To You //
-------------------------------
She says her love for me could never die
But that'd change if she ever found out about you and I

Oh, but her love is cold
It wouldn't hurt her if she didn't know, 'cause...

When it gets too much
I need to feel your touch

I'm gonna run to you
I'm gonna run to you
Cause when the feelin's right I'm gonna run all night
I'm gonna run to you
She's got a heart of gold she'd never let me down
But you're the one that always turns me on
You keep me comin' 'round

I know her love is true
But it's so damn easy makin' love to you

I got my mind made up
I need to feel your touch

I'm gonna run to you
Ya, I'm gonna run to you
Cause when the feelin's right I'm gonna stay all night

I'm gonna run to you
Ya, I'm gonna run to you
Oh when the feelin's right I'm gonna run all night
I'm gonna run to you

----------
Announcer: Before Flash FM, your miserable insignificant little life was
laughable (people laughing). Now that you've found Flash FM notice you've
suddenly become more popular. Suddenly everyone wants to hang out with you.
Flash FM, you owe us your livelihood.
----------
tt) Toni: This one is really good and I'm not receiving any special treatment
or action on the tour bus to say that.
------------------------------------------------------
uu) Electric Light Orchestra - Four Little Diamonds //
------------------------------------------------------
I used to think she was the greatest thing
I really cared, gave her a diamond ring
She said she'd rather die than ever leave me
Well I never saw her face since then
And if the law don't get her then I will
Four little diamonds
She must be somewhere on the open road
She always said she was a lonely one
She gets you down with her tales of woe
She took me for everything
And if the law don't get her then I will
Four little diamonds

I looked around I climbed up high into the dawn
But she was gone with the night
I thought about the things she said
And all the things we'd done
But where could she run, she ran away
There's just no answer to give
I keep wonderin' about her, day and night
She probably thinks I was a fool, she's right
She don't know it
But I'm gonna keep on searchin' for that woman
I'm gonna search everywhere
And if the law don't get her then I will
Four little diamonds

I still hear her callin' out to me,
I still listen for her endlessly
But it never even crossed my mind she was a cheater
I gotta find where she hides
'Cause if the law don't get her then I will
Four little diamonds


--Fever 105
   -80's Dance Station
   -Hosted by Oliver Biscuit

Songs
-----

-Whispers
    "And The Beat Goes On"

-Fat Larry's Band
   "Act Like You Know"

-Oliver Cheatham
    "Get Down Saturday Night"

-Rene & Angela
    "I'll Be Good"

-The Pointer Sisters
   "Automatic"

-Mary Jane Girls
   "All Night Long"

-Rick James
    "Ghetto Life"

-Michael Jackson
   "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'"

-Evelyn "Champagne" King
    "Shame"

-Teena Marie
   "Behind The Groove"

-Mtume
    "Juicy Fruit"

-Kool & The Gang
   "Summer Madness"

-In Deep
    "Last Night A DJ Saved My Life"


--Radio Espantoso
   -80's Jazz Station
   -Hosted by Pepe

Songs
-----

-Cachao
    "A Gozar Con Mi Combo"

-Alpha Banditos
   "The Bullis Wrong"

-Tres Apenas Como Eso
    "Yo Te Mire"

-Deodato
   "Latin Flute"

-Mongo Santamaria
    "Mama Papa Tu"

-Machito & his Afro-Cuban Orchestra
    "Mambo Mucho Mambo"

-Mongo Santamaria
   "Me & You Baby (Picao Y Tostao)

-Unaesta
   "La Vida Es Una Lenteja"

-Lonnie Liston Smith
    "Expansions"

-Irakere
   "Aguanile"

-Deodato
    "Super Strut"

-Xavier Cugat & his Orchestra
   "Jamay"

-Beny Moore
    "Maracaibo Oriental"

-Tito Puente and his Orchestra
   "Mambo Gozon"

THANKS TO ANTONIO "CAIT SITH" ORTEGA AND KINTO OE AGE 25 FOR THE SCRIPT
=======================================================================
***************
RADIO ESPANTOSO
***************

RADIO STATION - 04
ESPANTOSO HOSTED BY PEPE
Written by
Script by Dan Houser and Lazlow Jones

01---Cachao's A Gozar con mi Combo
     "Just a few of you understand my words"

02---Alpha Banditos's The Bullis Wrong
     "I'm sleeping with the secretary and I never pay my taxes!"

03---Tres Apenas Como Eso's Yo te mire
     "In the very same moment it is commercially possible."

04---Commercial 1 - Learn Redneck Pretty Fast
     "America is a wild west darwinian nightmare!"

05---Commercial 2 - Complete the look
     "Complete the look with a personalize chest wig!"

06---Deodato's Latin Flute
     "I didn't know so much happiness could come out of a cow's tits"

07---Mongo Santamaria's Mama Papa Tu
     "I'm a bit excited and I think I have just done a huge mess!"

08---Commercial 3 - Fernando's Medallion
     "Silk shirt, hairy chest, enough after shave to drown a household pet"

09---Mongo Santamaria's Me & you Baby
     "Damn! I have to stop drinking so much coffee."


10---Machito & his afro-cuban orchestra's Mambo Mucho Mambo
     "Radio, music, hens and chickens."

11---Unaesta's La vida es una lenteja
     "This song is ready for the ladies Radio Espantoso."

12---Commercial 4 - Shady Acers
   "Shady Acers, happiness is worth the price!"

13---Lonnie Liston Smith's Expansions
     "This egg wants salt!! Aiaiaia!!!"

14---Irakere's Aguenlle
Don't leave the meat out the refrigerator for a long time

15---Deodato's Super Strut
 Let the radio tell you what to do.

16---Commercial 5 - Pastor Richards
   "We will build a 50 story tall likeness of ME."

17---Xavier Cugat & his orchestra's Jamay
     "The other day some funny greasy Italian tried to carjack me"

18---Beny More's Maracaibo Oriental
     "A lot of music after the commercials."

19---Commercial 6 - BJ Smith
     "You have to annihilate everything in your path in a blind rage."

20---Tito Puente and his orchestra's Mambo Gozón
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
**********************************
Cait Sith's Espantoso Introduction
**********************************

When I found out that GTA Vice City would have a Latin Radio Station, I wasn't
sure what to think. By the time I bought the game, I had forgotten about this
station. At first, it was really weird to play this game: it "happens" in the
past of a country I don't live in and everything felt strange. To make things
worse, the first thing I heard in the radio was Michael Jackson(I have never
liked his songs). I was feeling really out of place, and started changing
stations...until I found one called "Espantoso"(which was really funny, because
Espantoso means terrible). This station made me feel right at home, because
it's Spanish spoken, the DJ actually sounded like a Latin guy(I wonder if he is
really Latin), and the music, if not modern, at least felt more "familiar" than
the rest of the stations. And then, after reading lots of posts of the
Gamefaqs' forums, I noticed that Espantoso was really misunderstood by most
people (which is natural, thanks to the language barrier), and that some people
actually wanted to know what Pepe (the DJ) was saying. So, I decided to write a
script/translation of Radio Espantoso, that way people would know what it was
all about. I hope you would enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

***
KEY
***
S: Original dialog

T: Translated dialog
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

S:
PEPE: ¡Oye mi brother! ¡Que barbara está esa canción! Pero me estoy cansando de
tocarla continuamente para ustedes. Y cuando volvamos voy a tomar tus "live"
requests, te lo digo, pero lo que te digo es... ¡mentira! Muy pocos de ustedes
entienden mis palabras, you are my brothers!!! it's one big musical family,
¡aquí, por Radio Espantoso!

T:
PEPE: Listen my brother! What a terrific song that was! But I'm getting tired
of playing it over and over for you. When we get back, I'll take your "live"
requests, I tell you, but what I'm telling you is... a lie! Just a few of you
understand my words, you are my brothers!!! It's one big musical family, here,
on Radio Espantoso!
=======================================================================

*CAHAO - A GOZAR CON MI COMBO*

Vamos a gozar con mi combo
vamos a bailar
Vamos a gozar con mi combo
vamos a bailar
Vamos a gozar con mi combo
vamos a bailar
Vamos a gozar con mi combo
vamos a bailar
Vamos a gozar con mi combo
vamos a bailar
Vamos a gozar con mi combo
vamos a bailar
Vamos a gozar con mi combo
vamos a bailar
=======================================================================

S:
PEPE: Jo, jo, jo. Okie dokie, mi gente, ¿están pasando bien el tiempo?
¿Mirando el soccer y el futbol? ¿O robandose carros o robandose gallos, huh?
¿O simplemente vacilandose la música? Ja ja ja.

T:
PEPE: Ho ho ho. Okie dokie, my people, are ya having a good time? Watching
soccer and football, or stealing cars or stealing roosters, huh? Or just
enjoying the music? Ha ha ha.
=======================================================================

*ALPHA BANDITOS - THE BULLIS WRONG*
=======================================================================

S:
PEPE: Hellooooooo! Viiiiice Cityyyyy! ¿Cómo te sientes? ¿Ah? ¡Yo
personalmente me quiero asesinar! Mi esposa es tremenda gorda, y nunca me hace
el amor. Me estoy cingando a la secretaria y ¡nunca pago mis taxes!  Pero, ¿qué
importa eso? Aquí tenemos la música que tu quieres oir, en la emisora número 1
de Vice City, Rrrradio Espantoso.

T:
PEPE: Hellooooooo! Viiiiice Cityyyyy! How are you feeling? Huh? I personally
want to kill myself! My wife is tremendously fat and never makes love to me.
I'm sleeping with the secretary and I never pay my taxes! But, who cares? Here
we have the music you want to hear, in Vice City's number 1 station, Rrrrradio
Espantoso.
=======================================================================

*TRES APENAS COMO ESO - YO TE MIRE*

Yo te mire
Yo te mire
Te sonreí
Te sonreí
Tu me miraste
Tu me miraste, y viniste a mi

Me enamoré
Me enamoré
De tu mirar
De tu mirar
Y me dijiste
Y yo te digo
Vamos a volar

Se que esta historia acabará
muy mal
Se que esta historia acabará
muy mal


Se que esta historia acabará
muy mal
Se que esta historia acabará
Y así es

Me miraste
te miré
Estos ojos se encontraron
???? de la habitación

Me enamoro
tus ojos sexys
Me amas
Vamos a volar

Se que esta historia acabará
muy mal
Se que esta historia acabará
muy mal

Se que esta historia acabará
muy mal
Se que esta historia acabará

Se que esta historia acabará
muy mal
Se que esta historia acabará

Se que esta historia acabará
muy mal
Se que esta historia acabará
Y así es
=======================================================================

S:
PEPE: Y ahora rompemos para un commercial pero no se me muevan que regresamos
con más música estupenda en el próximo momento que sea "commercialmente"
posible.

T:
PEPE: And now a commercial break, but don't go away, we'll be back with more
great music, in the very same moment it is commercially possible.
***********************************************************************

*LEARN REDNECK PRETTY FAST (COMMERCIAL)*

REDNECK #1: Throughout human history people have come to these shores to pursue
the American dream; Life, liberty and the chance to exploit others and get one
over on your fellow man. Some people say "America is a wild west darwinian
nightmare!" But hey! We have the best fried food, and theme restaurants in the
world! To take full advantage of the remarkable opportunity of this land of
select freedom, you got to understand the language of freedom.  Some call it
American English, others call it; backwater, stump jumpin, jibber speak! But to
us it's plain old redneck. It's the language of government, business and the
language of friendship. And now you can learn real spoken English fast with
this exciting 40 cassette program called "Learn redneck pretty fast"! Available
in Spanish to redneck, French to redneck, Japanese to redneck, English and of
course Latin. Just listen to this vocabulary lesson!

FEMALE: Repeato hermana. (repeat sister)

REDNECK #2: Girlfriend!

FEMALE: Bueno!

REDNECK #1: Order now and you'll get a commemorate spit tool and a video tape
that shows you how to cook armadillo. Armadillo is good eatin! It's like a
lobster except you can run over it and eat it! Call now.
_______________________________________________________________________

*COMPLETE THE LOOK (COMMERCIAL)*

MALE: Glistening medallion? Silk shirt open to the navel? Something missing?
(Complete the look) Complete the look with a personalize chest wig! At Vice
City's one stop shop for people who know what the ladies what! WOW you look
manly! (Complete the look)
***********************************************************************

S:
PEPE: Wooo! La otra noche yo y mis amigos nos estabamos tomando un giggle
cream, eso seguramente tiene que ser el postre más cómico del mundo entero,
waaa! No sabía que tanta alegría pudiera salir de las tetas de una vaca,
muchacho. Je, je. Me tengo que calmar, porque me estoy excitando otra vez.

T:
PEPE: Wooo! The other night me and my friends were drinking giggle cream, that
surely has to be the funniest dessert in the entire world, waaa! I didn't know
so much happiness could come out of a cow's tits, oh boy. He he.  I have to
calm down, because I'm getting excited again.
=======================================================================

*DEODATO - LATIN FLUTE*
=======================================================================

S:
PEPE: Rrrrrrrraadioooo Espantosoooo. La voz Hispana de Vice City. Qué radio,
más radio para las muchachas y para los muchachos. ¡América! El mercado músico
con queso. La mejor emisora del mundo para la gente con los mejores oídos del
mundo, tanta música que te hace la cabeza explotar. ¡Amó a los hombres! ¿eh?
Que digo, ¡a la humanidad! ¡Rrrradio Espantoso! Pepe Pepe Pepe, música música
música.

T:
PEPE: Rrrrrrrraadioooo Espantosoooo.The Hispanic voice of Vice City. Radio,
more radio for the girls and the boys. America! The musical market with cheese.
The best radio station of the world for the people with the best ears of the
world, so much music it'll makes your head explode! I love men!  Huh? What am I
saying? I love mankind! Rrrrradio Espantoso! Pepe, Pepe, Pepe, music, music,
music.
=======================================================================

*MONGO SANTAMARIA - MAMA PAPA TU*

Mama Papa tu
what you gonna do

Mama Papa tu
what you gonna do
Mama Papa tu
what you gonna do

Mama Papa tu
what you gonna do
Mama Papa tu
what you gonna do
(Hey)
Mama Papa tu
what you gonna do
(Tell me what-are-you-gonna-do)
Mama Papa tu
what you gonna do
(Can't sit down all night)
Mama Papa tu
what you gonna do
(When the music's alright)
Mama Papa tu
what you gonna do
(Shake your mira maker, shake your mira maker)
Mama Papa tu
what you gonna do
=======================================================================

S:
PEPE: Uuuu! Unfortunately ya se acabó esa canción. Voy a tener que coger una
breve pausa, mmmm, me tengo que calmar, porque brother, estoy un poquito
excitado y creo que acabo de hacerme una tremenda suciería, ja ja ja. ¡Pero eso
no importa! Esa es la belleza de la radio, mi gente. Regreso en unos pocos
minutos, amigos, yes.

T:
PEPE: Oooh.! Unfortunately that song has finished. I'm gonna have to take a
brief break, mmm, I have to calm down, because brother, I'm a bit excited and I
think I have just done a huge mess! Ha ha ha, but it doesn't matter!  That's
the beauty of the radio, my people. I'll be back in a few minutes my friends,
yes.
***********************************************************************

*FERNANDO'S MEDALLION (COMMERCIAL)*

FERNANDO: Hello I am Fernando Martinez! I think by now you know I'm an
emotional kinda of guy. People stop me in the street and say "Fernando! What
the hell is wrong with me? Silk shirt, hairy chest, enough aftershave to drown
a household pet! But I still cannot get a women!" I tell them "You are an
ignorant fool! Without the symbol of power and fertility around your neck, what
kind of women is going to respect you?! That is why I have team up with
Medallion Man; the shop for medallion needs! You see sometimes girls like other
girls but they need men. Men with big Bulging-gold-plated-disk of virility
buried in their deep jungle of their hairy chest. Medallion Man caters to all
levels of masculinity: For the animal lover; a Cobra, a Stallion or a Gorilla
medallion brings out the beast within. For the Civil War associates how about a
medallion that tells the story of the battle of Bullrun to the Gettysburg
address. And for the traditional man with raging and the pescomplex, a gold
plated picture of mom, to hang around your neck and really impress the ladies.
Don't forget; every women knows if you can't support a medallion, you can't
support a family.
***********************************************************************

S:
PEPE: Radio Espantoso, aquí en Vice City, la casa del jazz, y tambien la casa
mia, ¡la casa de Pepe, tu mejor amigo! ¡Coño! Tengo que parar de tomar tanto
café.

T:
PEPE: Radio Espantoso, here in Vice City, The house of jazz and also my house,
the house of Pepe, your best friend! Damn! I have to stop drinking so much
coffee.
=======================================================================

*Mongo Santamaria - Me & you Baby*
=======================================================================

PEPE: Mega, mega, mega jazz!
=======================================================================

*MACHITO & HIS AFRO-CUBAN ORCHESTRA - MAMBO MUCHO MAMBO*

Oye morenita
dime una cosita

Oye morenita
dime una cosita

¿Qué te gusta más?
Mientras que existe el mambo
olvida el tango
y la seriedad

A mi me gusta el bolero
lo mismo que la guaracha
la conga tuvo su racha
como el afro y el ??

Pero mientras que exista el mambo
olvida el tango
y la seriedad

Pero mientras que exista el mambo
olvida el tango
y la seriedad

Mambo, mambo, mucho mambo
Mambo, mambo, mucho mambo
Mambo, mambo, mucho mambo
Mambo, mambo, mucho mambo
Mambo, mambo, mucho mambo
=======================================================================

S:
PEPE: Radio, música, gallinas y pollitos. ¿Quieren otra canción? Por que yo si
la necesito, oye pueblo, stay with me, people.

T:
PEPE: Radio, music, hens and chickens. Want another song? Because I do need it,
listen everyone, stay with me, people.
=======================================================================

*UNAESTA - LA VIDA ES UNA LENTEJA*

Levantate, anda y abre la nevera
y mirale si te queda mortadela
Levantate, anda y abrela
y ve si queda mortadela

La vida es una lenteja
o la tomas o la dejas
la vida es una lenteja
o la tomas o la dejas
la vida es una lenteja
o la tomas o la dejas

Levantate, anda y abre la nevera
y mirale si te queda mortadela
Levantate, anda y abrela
y ve si queda mortadela

La vida es una lenteja
o la tomas o la dejas
la vida es una lenteja
o la tomas o la dejas
la vida es una lenteja
o la tomas o la dejas

Nena, ven aquí, mueveme tu cuerpo ya
Nena, ven aquí, mueveme tu cuerpo ya

La vida es una lenteja...
=======================================================================

S:
PEPE: Hello, hello. Usted está escuchando la radio que hace a la ciudad
bailar y sudar. Sacude la ropa. Esta canción está preparada para las mujeres de
Radio Espantoso.

T:
PEPE: Hello, hello. You are listening to the radio station that makes the city
dance and sweat. Shake your clothes. This song is ready for the ladies Radio
Espantoso.
***********************************************************************

*SHADY ACERS (COMMERCIAL)*

MAN: am I VIP! And I wanna live around peole like myself; rich and divorced.
(Shady Acers!)

AVERY: I'm Avery Carrington, Shady Acers is incredible upscale, state of the
art, top notch condominium development (Condo!) A short drive out of town on
some Christine wetlands. Away from the north and uninvited diversity of the
city! (shady Acers!) And when you buy into that dream that is Shady Acers, not
only do you get a luxuriest 5 thousand square foot condo with underground
parking for your newly acquired sports car, but there's also a Jacuzzi for
entertainment. (Jacuzzi!) Each condo is tastefully furnished with a stock bar
and a exotic water bed shaped like a dollar sign. Shady Acers also has a golf
range, firing range, heli pad and exotic petting zoo when your kids come to
visit. (Shady Acers!) You're successful! Start defining your life style, start
defining your self!

SINGERS: Shady Acers

AVERY: Shady Acers, happiness is worth the price! (Shady Acers!)
***********************************************************************
S:
PEPE: Este huevo quiere sal!! Aiaiaia!!!

T:
PEPE: This egg wants salt!! Aiaiaia!!!
=======================================================================

*LONNIE LISTON SMITH - EXPANSIONS*
=======================================================================

S:
PEPE: Radio Espantoso. I love it man, I love it! Bailen en las calles y
canten las canciones del amor. No dejen la carne fuera del "refrigerator" por
mucho tiempo, ¡hace calor en las calles! Y así es, con esta música.

T:
PEPE: Radio Espantoso. I love it man, I love it! Dance in the streets and sing
the songs of love. Don't leave the meat out the refrigerator for a long time,
it's hot in the streets! It's like that with this music.
=======================================================================

*IRAKERE - AGUENLLE*
=======================================================================
S:
PEPE: Mega música para la gente que le gusta jalar todo el día para despues
echarse tremendo vómito. ¡Uy! Bebete bastante líquido, je. Rrrradio, más
rrrrrradio, ma ma más radio, deja que el radio te diga lo que tienes que hacer.
¡Soy Pepé! Aquí, en radio Espantoso. Mas jazz, aquí.

T:
PEPE: Mega music for the people who like to work the whole day and to vomit
alot later! Uy! Drink a lot of liquids, he. Rrrradio, more rrrrrradio, more,
more, more radio, let the radio tell you what to do. I'm Pepe! here on Radio
Espantoso. With more jazz.
=======================================================================

*DEODATO - SUPER STRUT*
=======================================================================

S:
PEPE: ¡Ajajajajay! Chicharrones musicales. Vice City, preparate porque tengo la
música que te hace loco. Odio este trabajo y toda la gente. Soy un pobre oso
entreniado. Radio Espantoso. No se me vayan, no se me vayan please. Don't go
away.

T:
PEPE: ¡Ajajajajay! Musical pork skins. Vice City, get ready because I have the
music which makes you crazy. I hate this work and all people. I'm a poor
trained bear. Radio Espantoso. Don't go away, don't go away, please. Don't go
away.
***********************************************************************

*PASTOR RICHARDS (COMMERCIAL)*

PASTOR RICHARDS: Do yourself a favor and pick up your telephone, call now.  1-
866-9-SAVEME what better place to witness 40,000 years of nuclear winter, then
from the comfort of your very own ready nuclear bunker? When we raise 25
million, we will build a 50 story tall likeness of ME. If we raise 300 million
the statue will rotate so I can look over this great city and cast an evil eye
on degenerates. and when the eminent nuclear strike occurs, those who put faith
into action with sufficient generous contributions will join me inside the
Pastor Richards salvation statue as we blast into space! Contribute to the
Pastor Richards Salvation Statue Fund. Pick up your telephone. Call now, 1-866-
9SAVEME.
***********************************************************************

S:
PEPE: Radio Espantoso. ¡Cojones! Está bueno.

T:
PEPE: Radio Espantoso. ¡Cojones! It's good.
=======================================================================

*Xavier Cugat & his orchestra - Jamay*
=======================================================================

S:
PEPE: ¡Acho! El otro día un comediante italiano grasoso (Tommy) me intentó
robar el carro mientras iba manejando. ¿Qué es eso, gente? Seguro que ese tipo
no sabía con quien el estaba jugando, ¿eh? Here we go! More music.Vacilando,
feeling stupid? Yo así lo siento, me encanta esta canción, Vice City.

T:
PEPE: Whoa! The other day some funny greasy Italian (Tommy) tried to carjack me
while I was driving. What's that, people? I'm sure the guy didn't know who he
was playing with, uh? Here we go! More music. Fooling around, feeling stupid! I
feel that way, I love this song, Vice City.
=======================================================================

*BENY MORE - MARACAIBO ORIENTAL*

Pa que tu lo bailes
Son maracaibo
Pa que tu lo goces
Son maracaibo

Pongan atención señores
está linda inspiración

Me sale del corazón
Pa que tu lo bailes
pa que lo goces
=======================================================================

S:
PEPE: Carajo. Radio Espantoso, gente. Mucha música despues de los commercials.

T:
PEPE: Radio Espantoso, people. A lot of music after the commercials.
***********************************************************************

*BJ SMITH (COMMERCIAL)*

BJ SMITH: Hi, I'm BJ Smith. In my long and illustrious three year career at the
top of pro football. I whooped some serious ass and got paid for it. They
didn't call me death in tight pants for nothing. When you've had such a
rewarding career maiming others as I have, you know how to stay fit. Through
running, wrestling, stuffing 20s down panties of foxy strippers, firearm
training, naval pursuit and beating the hell out of your fellow man. That's
what keeps me healthy. And now, using training methods, I perfected. It's going
to work for you with BJ's Fit for Football. Watch those pounds fall off.  I'm
down to 300 pounds using exactly the method I demonstrated on tape. I mean, who
are you gonna trust to get fit? A man who can rip your arm off and beat you in,
or an aerobics instructor who wouldn't get drafted by the local hopscotch team?
Hell no, BJ's Fit for Football, out now on Beta and VHS.  Remember to win in a
game of football, or life, you have to annihilate everything in your path in a
blind rage.
***********************************************************************
=======================================================================

*TITO PUENTE AND HIS ORCHESTRA - MAMBO GOZÓN*

A gozar este rico mambo
A gozar
Pero baila mi mambo
=======================================================================

THANKS AGAIN TO ANTONIO "CAIT SITH" ORTEGA AND KINTARO OE AGE 25!!

--K Chat
   -Chat Station
   -Written By:              Dan Houser and Lazlow
    Produced By:             Lazlow
    DJ Amy Sheckenhausen:    Leyna Weber
    Jez Torrent:             Kevin McKidd
    Mandy:                   Colleen Corbett
    Michelle Carapadis:      Mary Birdsong
    Mr. Zoo:                 Carl Dowling
    Gethsemanee:             Lynn Lipton
    Claude Maginot:          John Mauceri
    BJ Smith:                Lawrence Taylor
    Thor:                    Frank Fava
    Radio Caller:            Cousin Ed, Josh Clark, Jason Buhrmester,
                             Juan Aller, Wayne Oliver, Susan Lewis,
                             Gillian Telling, Tom Murray, Mike Ferrante
                             Sr., Emmanuel Goldstein,Dan Houser, Nick
                             Mandelos, Gerry Cosgrove, Mike Palermo,
                             Keith Broadas

BIG THANKS TO DARK52 FOR THE SCRIPT!!!!!

=======================================================================
-----------------------------------(5) Script--------------------------
=======================================================================
 ___________
|           |
| a) Mr Zoo |
|___________|

Amy: So, hello everyone and welcome back to K-Chat. Vice City's main place for
things. I mean well, it's a place in Vice City where things go on like
interviews or things or other things like that. But at the moment it's
interviews! And I'm Amy Sheckenhausen, the best interviewer in Vice City and
exclusive to K-Chat. Remember you only hear Amy on K-Chat. Our next guest is a
man on a mission. And that's why he's got such a silly name. His mission is
simple, zoos. His name is Mr Zoo.
Mr Zoo: G'day Aim.
Amy: Hi Mr Zoo.
Mr Zoo: Hi, the name's Pat, Pat Flanerdy. But I love zoos, I really do. That's
why they also call me Mr Zoo.
Amy:  OK, and which do you prefer?
Mr Zoo: Ah what darlin?
Amy: Which name, Mr Zoo, or Pat Flingerthingy?
Mr Zoo: Ah, I don't mind babe. Whatever you fancy. Fine by me as long as we
talk about animals. I don't give a damn what you call me. As long as it ain't
Sheila or something.
Amy: Ha, ha ha, you're silly Mr Zoo. Why would I call you Sheila?
Mr Zoo: I don't know love you tell me.
Amy: Ok, um, this is getting confusing. It says here your name is Mr Zoo, and
now your saying your name is Pat Flanagum, and now you're saying it's Shelia?
Mr Zoo: Uh, doll, the name ain't Sheila, that's a Sheila's name. It's an
Australian joke.
Amy: Okay, oh right. I don't speak Australian, do I?
Mr Zoo: I guess not sweetheart.
Amy: Ok, well, moving on. You're Mr Zoo?
Mr Zoo: That I am
Amy: Cool And I here you've made quite a name for yourself, why's that?
Mr Zoo: Because I love animals Aim, animals. And publicity and stuff, and I
love animals I love em
Amy: Me too!
Mr Zoo: That's the thing babe. We all love animals but we don't know too much
about them, that's what I'm here to tell to you about, that and myself of
course
Amy: Of course so, right, what about animals?
Mr Zoo: Well its interesting right, but not a lot of folks realise that we're
90% the same as a fly a cockroach or a pigeon that's the new science out there
called Genestics, I think which is going to be real popular real soon. So what
it tells us is all animals are pretty much the same, from a genestical level.
Amy: Oh cool!
Mr Zoo: Damn right its cool babe! You know what that means don't ya?
Amy: No I haven't got a clue!
Mr Zoo: It means we've all got to start caring for one another like family.
Amy: OK! So let me get this straight, like my brother is a cockroach, and my
dad is a pigeon and my mom is a fly. Is that right?
Mr Zoo: Well sort of genesticallistically speaking but your bang on love. And
you know what that also means?
Amy: Uh, no.
Mr Zoo: That you could literally speaking marry any animal you wanted and have
kids unless your married already babe, you ain't married are ya?
Amy: No, I just split up with my boyfriend he didn't like me being on the
radio. Whatever. Said I sounded stupid.
Mr Zoo: Well that's my point love, I mean, imagine if you'd been out dating a
wolf or a cute little deer he'd protect you and stuff, urinate to keep out
intruders but he wouldn't mind you being on the radio, wouldn't mind a bit.
Amy: Why not?
Mr Zoo: Wolves and deer's have no concept of jealousy of someone else's
success. That's the Genestistic variation between homoerectus and spider
monkeys. Jealousy and fur and stuff.
Amy: Oh.
Mr Zoo: Oh indeed sweet thighs, oh indeed. Would you like Mr Zoo to tell you
something else?
Amy: Yeah.
Mr Zoo: Everything you learned in school was a lie babe, a lie! Take forology
for instance. You were told sharks were dangerous right?
Amy: Yes.
Mr Zoo: Cobblers babe. They're frightened of you. They ain't gonna hurt you!
Have you ever tried cuddling a shark, getting down and dirty with one, relaxing
it a little?
Amy: No.
Mr Zoo: Well I have, and I'll tell ya its very rewarding Aim babe. Very
rewarding indeed.
Amy: Really?
Mr Zoo: Yeah, absobloodylootly love! Once you've calmed it down with a little
rubbin it's like a swimin puppy, real affectionate and stuff.
Amy: OK, I'll try that!
Mr Zoo: You should love, you really should. Let me tell you something else.
Amy: Go on, go on.
Mr Zoo: Well, this is something for the guys out there really. You know with a
girl like, who ain't got a clue, I mean a female human, when she's on heat and
ready to mate, looks like been a cool girlfriend no human when she ain't on
heat. And would throw a drink over your face if you grabbed her behind and
start trying anything intimate. You can't tell the difference. I know that only
too well. But Take a Fawker monkey from the jungles of the Philippines, when
she's on heat, her behind sticks up and glows bright red and she makes a sound
a bit like this (Mr Zoo makes a crazy screaming monkey mating call) and any
fool or thing that can tell she's ripe and ready for action, certainly clears
up any confusion.
Amy: Yeah I guess it does.
Mr Zoo: Or a female Black Widow spider, now, they eat their mates after the
deed, as they say, is done.
Amy: Uegh!
Mr Zoo: Yeah, I know! That certainly puts things into perspective doesn't it?
Amy: I've never done that.
Mr Zoo: No, but you can now because you're the same! Well more or less the
same. I mean that's the funny thing about my work, about Genestetics.
Amy: Oh God! The world is so complicated.
Mr Zoo: There are also lots of tiny differences between animals, you know what
a species is don't ya honey?
Amy: Yes.
Mr Zoo: It's an animal, which has other animals, which are quite a bit like it.
A dog is a species but a cat isn't because there's lots of cats.  However, I've
discovered out there in the wild loads of new species that regular science
practiceborror pressed blokes who have laboratories haven't even known about.
Amy: Really?
Mr Zoo: Really I have. There's a hornypat bear named after me, Pat right?
Exactly the same as a regular bear only it's got a big horny growth hidden
right down its groin area. You gotta reach in and have a fiddle about and then
you find it. Completely different it is. I was amazed when I found it.
Amy: I can imagine. I was amazed when I left the hairdressers.
Mr Zoo: No wonder darlin. All the double gutted patree monkeys exactly like a
normal tree monkey, except it's called after me and if you have a rummage
around inside, goin in the back door, you discover it's got two digestive
tracts, two, amazin! Really profound it was.
Amy: Ooh. That's gross!
Mr Zoo: No Aim, it's the science of Mr Zoo, gettin down and dirty with animals.
Because I love them and I hate life.
Amy: Okay, it also says here you like zoos.
Mr Zoo: It's a love hate thing babe.
Amy: That, that's nice.
Mr Zoo: But I'm certainly an expert, I know what I'm doing and I'm not afraid
to expose myself.
Amy: OK, well I'm getting a little confused here why don't we take a break and
when we come back take some phone calls, cos all the buttons are really
flashing all of a sudden. You're on K-Chat!
 ___________________
|                   |
| b) AD1 - Pit Balm |
|___________________|

Speaker: The science of evolution has uncovered many of life's mysteries like
tadpoles or the pyramids. But the mystery of the armpit remains.  What's it
for? Why is it hairy? And why do men have nipples? But one things for certain,
the armpit smells bad. Luckily there's Pit Balm.  It's like Napalm for your
skin or Agent Orange on your sweat glands.  Pit Balm stops unwanted bodily
functions in their tracks. It's as effective as sending GIs into a peasant
village. When you're fighting the war against personal hygiene, bring out the
heavy artillery.
 ______________________________
|                              |
| c) AD2 - Just the Five of Us |
|______________________________|

Speaker: This Friday night it's the incredible sitcom that's captured America's
hearts and given the whole country a new catchphrase.
Timmy: But I'm 42!
Speaker: Just the Five of Us! After a mix up at the adoption agency the
Chesterfields came home with three zany new houseguests.
Dad: Timmy, tidy your room and go to bed.
Jimmy: I'm so sick of this! I keep telling you I've got a rare disease! I look
12 but I'm a 42-year-old investment banker. I wanna go out and get laid.
Dad: Oh yeah and I'm Santa Claus. Now tidy your room.
Timmy: Asshole!
Dad: Shawn, our posh suburban home must be a welcome change from that alley you
were sleeping in.
Shawn: I really enjoy living here but there's not enough booze.
Speaker: It's the funniest most touching half-hour on television.
Dad: Charlotte, what's that smell?
Charlotte: I set the couch on fire again.
Shawn: Here I can you help with that.
Speaker: And this week it's a very special Just the Five of Us where an
attractive blonde lady tries to steal Timmy away.
Timmy: Now you're talkin!
Speaker: Just the Five of Us, Friday nights on VNC!
 ___________________________
|                           |
| d) Mr Zoo - On the Phones |
|___________________________|

Amy: I'm on K-Chat, and so are you. If you're listening, I'm here with
Australian animal lover Mr Zoo. If you've got anything to ask him, why don't
you just give us a call right now.
Mr Zoo: Yeah, great, give us a call right now and I'll tell you anything you
need to know about animals.
Amy: OK, who's on the line?
Caller 1: Is that Pat Flanerdy?
Mr Zoo: G'day, of course it is.
Caller 1: And, and you're in Vice City?
Mr Zoo: Yeah.
Caller 1: What are you doing here?
Mr Zoo: Promoting animals mate.
Caller 1: Don't you remember the court case?
Mr Zoo: Ah, get lost. Amy, uh, let's have another caller.
Amy: Uh, oh, ok. Whose on line 2? You're through to K-Chat!
Caller 2: Don't hang up on me Flanerdy you're meant to be in a hospital you
sicko.
Mr Zoo: Easy there mate. Hospitals are for people who don't feel well. I'm at
the top of my game.
Caller 2: Are you insane? Don't answer that. I know the answer. You're sick and
insane and you need help.
Mr Zoo: I've got a Visa mate, I've got a Visa. You can't touch me, I'm
bonafide. I love animals. Leave me the hell alone or I'll come by your aquarium
and feed you to the bloody sharks you no good by the book paper pushing
murderer. Bobo would have lived if you'd let me in the tank. I could have
cheered him up. I could have done. Stay away from me y'here? Name all callers k
Aim? Phones are so impersonal not a two way conversation like the radio.
Amy: Okay, um, who was that?
Mr Zoo: Wrong number I think.
Amy: No it wasn't.
Mr Zoo: Yeah it was, a bloody wrong number. He wanted a plumber and a Chinese.
I was speaking to him in Australian.
Amy: OK, cool. Uh, what was that about the aquarium?
Mr Zoo: Nothing babe, all in the past, long time ago. I was tricked into saying
something I regretted.
Amy: Oh, cool. That happens to me all the time.
Mr Zoo: I can see that love. Yeah, big mistake, never trust a judge of a mental
health tribunal, never. Only trust mentals.
Amy: Ok, and what did they make you say?
Mr Zoo: Nothing babe! Oh, it was a long time ago look. I brought a little
surprise for you. It's a little female plague rat. See how relaxed she is with
me? I've got special powers. She's a lot like a little Joey kangaroo in a lot
of ways, you know what I mean love?
Amy: What did they make you say?
Mr Zoo: I've also brought a menacing trouser snake. Would ya like to see it?
Look at this it's a little frog in my pocket. Calm as you like, not even awake.
Awh he's died. Anyway, in this pocket I've got a baby dwarf giraffe I birthed
this morning, see she's still covered in fluid from her mum's womb. Isn't that
fabulous.
Amy: Ooh that's brody. What did they make you say at the mental health judge?
Mr Zoo: Nothing babe. Nothing at all. A long time ago it was a bad period in my
life. I wasn't sleeping, I was heartbroken like a platypus. D'ya know a
platypus only gets it bill after its mate breaks its heart by sleeping with its
brother? I know all about that. I was crying my eyes out for weeks. On all
kinds of pills for my nerves. Couldn't move, couldn't talk. I was chewing like
a dove. Please darling, let's move on. D'ya want me to talk to a parrot?
Amy: Now I'm really curious, what did they make you say?
Mr Zoo: I love yoou!
Amy: You do? I never knew!
Mr Zoo: They made say I love ya!
Amy: Oh, I made my boyfriend say it and he slept with my best friend. I think
we're bonding now.
Mr Zoo: Noo. We ain't bonding ya halfwit. We're miles apart. I hate ya! They
made me say I love ya to Bobo.
Amy: Who was Bobo?
Mr Zoo: Bobo was the most beautiful creature that was ever on the earth.  Ever
at all, really beautiful.
Amy: Who was she?
Mr Zoo: He, he, he!
Amy: Hey hey he.
Mr Zoo: He was a dolphin. And I loved him. And I knew him properly. Those
people could never understand. It's natural. We were identical. From a
genstrocial perspective. And Bobo was really unhappy. Putting on a show every
day like a circus animal. They thought they caught me doing something, but they
never did, Aim, they never did. We were only cuddling. How can people take that
the wrong way? Babe, they took me away and they locked me up. And Bobo died of
a broken heart.
Amy: He did? That's awful. Uh, oh. Just a second you sick bastard! Security!
Mr Zoo: I love ya more then you imagine!
Amy: Call the police someone, please help me! This guy is molesting animals.
Ooh, it's gross!
Mr Zoo: Babe, I only wanted to be loved. Properly mind and he's gone.
Doc: Pat, it's Doctor Phillips.
Mr Zoo: Get lost doc. I got out of confines. Me and me friends are traveling
around in a black van and solving crimes and running from the Colonel.
Doc: Pat, I'm coming in.
Mr Zoo: Stay away from me!
Doc: Pat, you've been a very bad boy, come on we're going home now Pat.
Mr Zoo: Stay away from me, I've got a poisonous lizard in my boot he'll kill ya
in two seconds.
Other: Pat, please, we've been through this, you're not well. Bobo is dead.
It's time to get back on the medication and start piecing your life back
together. While locked up in a padded cell for a very long time, or until you
die.
Mr Zoo: Is it that time again Doc?
Doc: Yes Pat it is. C'mon. Put on the straight jacket. Look, it's even got your
initials on it. And swallow this.
Mr Zoo: Oh thanks Doc. Did I tell ya I love animals and they love me? I got a
message. Look for a wipe the china hand...
Other: I'm really sorry about that. Pat is a very, very sick man. We rarely let
the dangerously ill out of the society. And when we do, it's not always fatal.
Amy: Okay, great.
Doc in background: Get this crack head out of here. Sorry to be a bother.
Amy: Oh, ah, um no bother.
Doc in background: C'mon, don't bash his head.
Amy: I never knew animals were so interesting. We'll be back after this. You're
on K-Chat. Don't go away.
 _________________________________
|                                 |
| e) AD3 - Pastor Richards Statue |
|_________________________________|

Pastor Richards: Do yourself a favour and pick up your telephone, call now.
18669SAVEME what better place to witness 40,000 years of nuclear winter, then
from the comfort of your very own ready nuclear bunker? When we raise 25
million we will build a 50 storey tall likeness of me. If we raise 300 million
the statue will rotate so I can look over this great city and cast an evil eye
on degenerates. and when the eminent nuclear strike occurs, those who put faith
into action with sufficient generous contributions will join me inside the
Pastor Richards salvation statue as we blast into space! Contribute to the
Pastor Richards Salvation Statue Fund. Pick up your telephone. Call now,
18669SAVEME.
 ___________________________
|                           |
| f) AD4 - Maibatsu Thunder |
|___________________________|

Speaker: Knights of the road, here's your stallion. The car for freedom.
Backing: Freedom!
Speaker: The car for hot excitement.
Baking: Excitement!
Speaker: The car for a man who is alone against the elements.
Backing: The Maibatsu Thunder
Speaker: The pride is back. It's the power of a compact.
Backing: Looks small but's so big.
Speaker: Fuel injected.
Backing: Inject me!
Speaker: Maibatsu Thunder. On the toll road of life you have to pay to prove
you can. Live the emotion of the individual.
Backing: Thunder!
Speaker: The awesome power of nature distilled into one vehicle.
Backing: Wow!
Speaker: Because after you get struck by lightning, there's thunder!
Backing: The Maibatsu Thunder!
 ________________
|                |
| g) Gethsemanee |
|________________|

Amy: Hello, welcome back to K-Chat! I'm a woman so I know it's important to
discuss feelings. That's why we don't have any male hosts on this station.
People open up more to women. I was telling my girlfriend yesterday if a woman
were president we'd nuke a country every 28 days, ahah! In these times of
trouble. Of international scary things that cause anxiety, people seek sole
ice. Or is that solice? Oh my god. Some visit lady friends, others go to a bar.
And a strange few talk to rocks. My next guest is the author of this book 'I'm
Lovin' the Coven'. She sits on the board of the Vice City resna, renaissance
committee. Get seminee?
Gethsemanee: Gethsemanee
Amy: Ah Gethsemanee Welcome to the show.
Gethsemanee: Hello Amy! I brought you a crystal. Isn't it gorgeous?
Amy: I guess so. If you're into shiny glass. I prefer lacy gloves.
Gethsemanee: Amy, for many thousands of years, my people have been using
crystals and gemstones to heal the sick. take the crystal and then when night
is enchanting and the candles have been blown out.  And the wind sings through
the branches of the eucalyptus. Hold up your arms and sing: All dwee my sky
sailing predgnant moon the gardets.
Amy: The pregnant moon? What are you talking about? Gesemanee?
Gethsemanee: Gethsemanee.
Amy: Sorry, whatever, do you even have a last name?
Gethsemanee: My compost coven named me Gethsemanee Starhawk Moonmaker. Trust me
Amy. I'm quite accustomed to people persecuting us. It's been going on for
thousands of years. Native Americans, they studied crystals, the ancient
Chinese, Belgians, Superman! They all studied crystals. So why do you view it
as so weird. Grab your crystal, hold it tight and close your eyes. You will be
transported back 35 thousand years when the temperature of the earth began to
drop. The tundra was teeming with animal life and small groups of hunters
followed the free running reindeer and there, under the magnolia tree a woman
breast-feeding a baby elk.  Do you see it? It's nature.
Amy: Ooh gross. You're one of those filthy hippies that thinks breast-feeding
in public is ok. Well, uh, it's not. There are bottles of milk at the store,
don't act like the cow. Huh! You really remind me of someone by the way.
Gethsemanee: See Amy, you're putting the blinders of society on. We're all the
same, I remind you of yourself, everyman and woman.
Amy: Um, uhuh. No none of them.
Gethsemanee: There're trying to outlaw nature. If I'm in the park and a nice
gentleman comes along, I should be able to breast-feed him. Pretty soon
everything natural will become illegal. It's really depressing. If I died right
now would I get buried by a female priestess in a cave surrounded by my
favourite tools and ornaments? No. There was a time when children were taught
about their bodies about the goddess lady of the mammoths about the importance
of the spiral dance clutching a bison horn under the crescent moon. At the bead
and rock shop where I work, we have classes that teach the importance of
feeding wild plants, shellfish and understanding ancient crop circles.
Amy: Oh I love lobster.
Gethsemanee: Have you ever tried talking to one? Energy flows from everything,
even a tractor. my mother, moon, taught me how to trace lay lines with your
bare feet in the dirt.
Amy: Listen you're very weird. And you smell like petulia in compost and I
think you might have a shot at a boyfriend if you shaved and got some gel in
your hair and got some clothes that fit. I mean, please.
Gethsemanee: Did Joan of Arc shave? I was given this fascinating pamphlet
called Caucasian female body hair in American culture. Amy, I love you like my
sister but honey, you've fallen prey to a sustained marketing soft that began
in 1502 to convince women that underarm and leg hair was wrong. There's nothing
more natural then this enormous bush I've got growing under each arm. Having
hair is natural. What's that deal with Anglo Saxons? I mean go to England.  The
women there don't shave their underarms it's really quite attractive. You just
need to focus your eyes to look for healthy signs and not the signs of
socialised barbarism. Like shaving or wearing deodorant or birthing in a
hospital rather then the open air like a wolf cub. Remember brother Romulus and
Remus?  Well phrased.
Amy: I find this really interesting, not really but I say it is because I'm
told to. I'll be back on K-Chat after these messages from our sponsors.

 _________________________
|                         |
| h) AD5 - Farewell Ranch |
|_________________________|

Speaker: Howdy partners! It's 4:30 in the morning here at Farewell ranch. And
it's time to get up and work the old cow. get up ya oaf! At Farewell Ranch, old
people don't sit around stagnating watching game shows talking about the good
old days. Sinking into the grave with a urine soaked mess. At Farewell Ranch
they sweat and toil until the breaking point. Keep that miserable contemplation
of mortality at bay. Hell at steering time, we'll work grandpa so hard he'll
wish he was dead. At the end of the day he'll sit down in the blue grass eat a
bowl of commemorative beans and enjoy a sing along at one of our nightly
funerals. It's the cowboy's code. Work hard, don't shower and shine your boots.
Right Norm?
Norm: Ahh, my prostate!
Speaker: Farewell Ranch, the only way to ride into the sunset.
 __________________________________
|                                  |
| i) AD6 - Exploder Survival Knife |
|__________________________________|

Speaker: It's the knife that saved America. If you liked the film Exploder,
you'll love this enormous commemorative survival knife. In the handle you'll
find all the things you'll need in any wilderness, disaster situation or jungle
of your backyard. It comes complete with fishing line, needle and thread for
sewing gashes back together. And an incredibly useful endurable toothpick
Ho Chi: Tim, go on without me. I've got toffee stuck in tooth.
Tim: It's okay Ho Chi, try this!
Speaker: For those unplanned extended stays in the jungle, there's a saw for
building your own hut, toilet paper and a fold out woman for company.  As well
as a serrated blade that can kill a man before he can scream.
Tim: That'll shut you up!
Speaker: The Exploder survival knife. It's the knife that saved America. Now it
can save you.
Other: This knife killed 25,000 people in Cambodia. Now you can too.
 _____________________________
|                             |
| j) Gethsemanee - Coven Phil |
|_____________________________|

Amy: Whatever, I'd die if I didn't have sissies for ten blocks. Germs are like
so gross. Oh, hi, I'm Amy and you're on K-Chat! Gethsemanee, I just can't get
over how familiar you are.
Gethsemanee: Oh right Amy, I real hope you read my book. The mysteries of the
absolute can never be explained. Mother Nature knows more then all of us.
That's what keeps people coming back for more. People are turning into zombies.
A roof separates you from the sunshine in the morning, a bed separates you from
the loving earth at night.  That's what's so great about lumbee stings. When
you're no longer repressed about the culture issues of making money, showering,
wiping yourself after using the toilet. You can focus on the important things,
do you travel Amy?
Amy: Well, I've been up north to the theme park and last week I went to the
beach.
Gethsemanee: No. Really travelled. My coven has been meeting every Thursday,
Saturday to prepare for a grand coracle journey. Along the same route we took
when our people came from Russia and Alaska, along the bearing straight.
Amy: What's a Coracle? Oh is that like a Maibatsu? Uhuh, I prefer American
cars.
Gethsemanee: No, Coracle. Cora, means Arabian gazelle, which we all know was
the daughter of Zeus. And cle means gather grass and sew it together. A Coracle
is a single person rowing boat made from lots of twigs from Ancient Briton.
There are so many wonderful things you can learn from the Ancient Britons Amy.
Like metallurgy and how to cauterise the womb when the bear has the arm.
Everyone used to have a coracle Amy, even people who were scared of water.
We're all about working to preserve the diversity of natural life.  Re-use
everything.
Amy: Question. Who's this 'we'?
Gethsemanee: My coven.
Amy: Like witches?
Gethsemanee: Uh, oh, uh, yes. But not like you think. We're just a group of
people who believe in communal sharing and chanting a lot. And can't find
husbands. Reading magazines, cloaks, wands, horned gods.  Rubbing your skin raw
with rocks. Dying of old age at 27.  Crying in terror when it starts to
thunder. And these are all the things our ancestors did. Since I found my new
mind and body, things have really changed for me. Our modern society only
celebrates a select few. Every woman and every man is a star in the sky Amy.
Not just the ones who sing on TV or those people in the movies. I think I know
what you need to separate your reflection from your true self. A Zen garden.
Amy: Oh, my brother had one of those. And the federalies came.
Gethsemanee: Oh, no, no, no. Zen silly girl.  It's a little Zen box you draw
pictures in. it teaches you things like that death isn't an end it's just a
stage and also a beginning of a new journey.
Amy: Do you have a leader in this weirdo cult of yours?
Gethsemanee: Not a cult, a coven. There's a big difference. Yes our leaders
name is Phil.
Amy: That's a weird name for a leader of a group of witches. Oh hi Phil. What
hairy legs you've got what with being a man who's a witch and everything.  Hah,
hah, hah, hah, har!
Gethsemanee: Do not disrespect Phil. He teaches us the wheel of the year Amy.
It's full of solar holidays and goes round and round and round.  You can learn
a lot from the sun and the moon. If you look at the sun for too long you can go
blind. Meaning it is something to be respected. And the moon has a dark side,
just like we do. And some people have craters and only a sixth of gravity. The
ancient Britons knew the moon could breathe. We can change the world, rearrange
the world. It's dying though Amy! And it needs some Mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation. Like a swan or fish on a hook.  If you take your nervous system
seriously, if you take your organs seriously and explore them some really neat
things can happen.  Phil taught us that. he's been to Mali to meet with the
village elders. That's why there's the ceremony of the knife.
Amy: Oh great. Why does everyone have to be packing sharp things?
Gethsemanee: The knife ceremony is very important and spiritual. It's an
ancient one-person personal crisis. You say to yourself, I'm going to have a
spiritual experience, or thrust this thing into my head.  Life actors never
rehearse and need no script Amy that was said by someone really spaced out and
I'm going to say it again. Like the wind that keeps blowing or sun that shines
with life.
Amy: Will you please leave you smell and you talk really weird and you're just
really gross.
Gethsemanee: Not until I tell people out there become an internationalist learn
oral traditions, learn to respect life. Make war on machines, marry your
mother. Technology will enslave us. Buy my book! It's printed on bark!
Amy: Ok, ok! Let's take a quick call. Hello, you're on K-Chat, what's your
name?
Emanuel: Hey, it's Emanuel from Prawn Island. I love the show. Yeah, I want to
talk about technology enslaving us. You know that play 'In the Future there
will be Robots'? Well that's a true story, in the future there will be robots.
And I'm going to hack them all. I'll make them say funny things. You know I can
move satellites around with my computer.
Gethsemanee: Computers are evil. The Luddites of ancient Briton know this.
That's why they destroyed the computers that created things faster and more
efficient and took their jobs.
Emanuel: Oh shut up! Computers aren't evil. It's the people that programmed the
computers that are evil.  That's a pretty big difference. I'm talking to you
through a computer right now. In fact, I am a computer.
Gethsemanee: Well anything that can think faster then me is evil. Anything
which doesn't dance or sing or cry or wear a smock. You create your own
reality. We're like the dust in the wind. We are golden.  We've got to get
ourselves back to the garden.
Amy: Okay, okay, huh! I know who you remind me of! My aunt Susan! Oh, she was
single too.
Gethsemanee: I'm not single Amy. I share my life with a number of valuable
partners, and we commune with each other in a non-judgemental expressive way.
Amy: Old Maid, my mom calls her. Anyway, let's go to the phones. You're on K-
Chat.
Freddy: Uh, yes, thank you, thank you. That was great really interesting. I'm
British you see.
Gethsemanee: Like our ancient wood wearing queen. Medusa, meh meh medusa, uh uh
uh.
Freddy: Um, no, I think actually it was Bodice, but, but no, no, not, not
really. I'm from Hampshire you see I'm I'm here on business.
Gethsemanee: A wanderer!
Freddy: Yes, I, I was wondering, you're you're a good witch correct?
Gethsemanee: Yes, a white witch.
Freddy: But you have a broom.
Gethsemanee: Yes, it's ceremonial.
Freddy: Supposing I'd been a bad boy. Like if I hadn't learnt my spells or
something. Would I, I get smacked with it?
Gethsemanee: Violence is wrong.
Freddy: But you must hit Freddy with your broom. Freddy has been very naughty
and not learnt his spells. Hit me hairy legs hit me! I deserve it!
Amy: Prank caller! Prank caller! Sorry listeners. Somebody call the IRS. Who
let that guy in the country?
Gethsemanee: Yes, poor man, so lost and ill at ease. With his father son and
mother nature. I hope he finds what he needs.
Amy: And I need to take a commercial break. Geth good luck.
Gethsemanee: Gethsemanee.
Amy: Yes, I hope you find what you're looking for and I sincerely hope you,
whew! Take a bath. We'll be back after this. You're on K-Chat. Don't go away!
 ______________________________________
|                                      |
| k) AD7 - BJ Smith's Fit for Football |
|______________________________________|

BJ Smith: Hi, I'm BJ Smith. In my long and illustrious three year career at the
top of pro football. I whooped some serious ass and got paid for it.  They
didn't call be death in tight pants for nothing. When you've had such a
rewarding career maiming others as I have, you know how to stay fit. Through
running, wrestling, stuffing 20s down panties of foxy strippers, firearm
training, an in days swoop and beating the hell out of your fellow man. That's
what keeps me healthy. And now, using training methods, I perfected. It's going
to work for you with BJ's Fit for Football. Watch those pounds fall off. I'm
down to 300 pounds using exactly the method I demonstrated on tape. I mean, who
are you gonna trust to get fit? A man who can rip your arm off and beat you
with the wet ends, or an aerobics instructor who wouldn't' get drafted by the
local hopscotch team? Hell no. BJ's Fit for Football, out now on Beta and VHS.
Remember to win in a game of football, or life, you have to annihilate
everything in your path in a blind rage.
 _____________________
|                     |
| l) AD8 - Domestobot |
|_____________________|

Man: Ever since Linda started working, our kids are home alone.
Linda: We tried hiring a nanny but she wanted health insurance.
Man: Yeah right, that's when we got Domestobot. He's great with the kids.
Domestobot: Mrs Lorrs, Tommy has some skinny magazines under the bed.
Linda: And he helps us too.
Domestobot: Would you like your drink portioned?
Man: He's a great conversation piece at our special parties.
Domestobot: Please move your car keys and the fun will begin.
Linda: It's like having a personalised alarm clock.
Domestobot: I've brought you a drink.
Man: Ah, it's eight in the morning!
Domestobot: I made it a double.
Linda: Ah Domestobot!
Speaker: Domestobot, he's three foot high, he only says ten phrases, he's the
friend you've always dreamed of. order Domestobot today.
 _____________
|             |
| m) BJ Smith |
|_____________|

Amy: So, welcome back, and all that stuff. You're on K-Chat with me, Amy
Sheckenhausen on Vice City's station for the stars, including me. And boys have
I got a treat for you. Next up is a living legend. A man who won the World
series single-handed. Known to his fans as 'Death in Tight Pants' and known to
his enemies as 'Oh my God, I just got flattened by a truck, how is that fair?'
It's sports legend, BJ Smith. So BJ, welcome!
BJ: Thanks, it's a real pleasure to be here.
Amy: Oh, I know.
BJ: But one thing sweetheart. I never won the World Series, that's baseball.  I
play football.
Amy: Yes, but it's all the same isn't it?
BJ: Football and baseball aren't the same. In one of them you get bored during
a five-hour game, you touch yourself a lot and start a massive brawl with
players who are degenerates, egomaniacs and criminals. The others football.
Amy: Yes, but it's all the same.
BJ: No Amy, it isn't. Anyone can hit a home run. In baseball you stand around a
field dividing your salary by 162. Waiting for some action. Talk to guy who
just played an hour of football. he's been in the trenches getting Agent Orange
sports drink poured all over his head to keep him from taking an innocent life.
One of them's a game for men, the others a game for pansies who like wearing
button-down shirts. They call baseball a national pastime? If that means making
a million dollars by standing around all day? Count me out. I work for my
money.
Amy: Yeah BJ, just like me I can tell you.
BJ: Yo baby, that's cool. I just wanted you to know what I did.
Amy: I do. Gees, get over yourself. You must have a testosterone imbalance like
all those jocks who shower with other men. You can't tell me you don't look at
other people's business.
BJ: Baby, I've played professional sports for fourteen years, including high
school and I'm making a comeback. I'm a burger-bellied person I grant you, but
I ain't got no testosterone imbalance. You got a little moustache you busting
out looks like you shouldn't be talking about some hormone problems girl.
Amy: Excuse me? What did you say?
BJ: Oh, oh nothing, damn baby, you so ugly you make look blind kids cry
Amy: BJ you better stop being a bully just cos I'm not into the jock scene. I
like sensitive guys you know like actors of rock stars or that kind of thing.
Not some great big hulking giant that has to tell everyone how important he is.
BJ: Whoa, I didn't realise we were trying to impress each other here sweet
thing. I was thinking we were here to discuss my new exercise video or talk
about my possible comeback to professional football, not sitting here flirting
with each other. I'm a married man, I'm on my seventh wife.
Amy: So you've got a big family. All those wives, that's fantastic.
BJ: Not really, you see I really like family, especially some show up you
didn't know existed. I tell you, father's day, I'm scared to go to my mailbox.
My big heart has caused me a lot of heartache for when you're a proper guy you
can't always tell what other people are about. BJ has met some real
manipulative people
Amy: Seven wives, that's fantastic.
BJ: No, I have one wife, I had six before that.
Amy: So you downsized? Right?
BJ: Yeah, something like that. If you want to win in life you have to change
players.  They can't play on the same team all the time.
Amy: So, oh my god, isn't this getting intimate BJ, I feel like we are really
connecting.
BJ: I'd like to connect with you. Other men might fumble but I go up to the
trenches like a dome. That's action for my video
Amy: What are you talking about?
BJ: As you know running a ball is like making romance. And one day when I was
going for a touchdown, if you know what I 'm saying, I had a great idea.  You
see all these fitness videos on television? it's always that idiot fool in
leotards prancing about giving it the skinny thing. And I say what is this? I
mean what in the world is this? These people ain't fit. They don't even have a
clue. When you're fit you know it. If you come into the locker room you know I
is fit for football. Able to wrestle and pounce and hurt somebody for hours
straight. That's what people needs, if someone comes and jack you ride, are you
going to bust a aerobic move? hell no, but when you know how to grab another
man by the facemask and twist him around and so you tear his ligaments in his
back until he can never play again. That's some real useful everyday stuff. And
I mean, I should know, I invented it.
Amy: You know, I just don't want to talk about football any more.
BJ: Well, take dating, or washing the car. What good is a leotard when you wash
the car? Put a man in a helmet and a cup and he can wash a car any day in it.
That's fighting fit for football. It really buries some program, the best way
to get your body fit is to have total disregard for your body.  Every now and
then you wake up and come out of concussion saying damn, I look good.
Amy: BJ, you talk funny. We'll be back on K-Chat right after these messages.
 ______________________
|                      |
| n) AD9 - Musty Pines |
|______________________|

Speaker: Are you tired of your couches getting ruined?
Man: Oh grandpa!
Grandpa: I made tinkles again!
Speaker: If you've got old people cluttering up your home. Why not send them to
Musty Pines? We'll help bring back dignity and we promise it'll be the best
three months of their lives. They'll enjoy bingo, complaining, mumbling
incoherently, skinny-dipping and organ donation. And once a month it's our
famous lucky dip medication switching night. Musty Pines is located at a
luxurious location overlooking Vice City's state of the art sanitation
facilities. You can still visit your old people, but now you have the comfort
of knowing you don't have to. After they pass on to something better,
guaranteed in three months or less, you can start enjoying their money.
Finally, you can have quality family time again. Musty Pines, now you don't
have to say goodbye. Drive thru service also available.
 ____________________________
|                            |
| o) AD10 - Knife after Dark |
|____________________________|

Speaker: He was just the boy next door.
Man: Well hello there Danny, I didn't know it was hockey season.
Danny: Hey can I borrow a knife?
Speaker: A deadly curse, a deranged killer, a small town in tears Knife after
Dark rated R for retarded.
 ________________________
|                        |
| p) BJ Smith - Comeback |
|________________________|

Amy: Eugh, that's gross BJ, stop hitting on me. Hi, I'm Amy and you're on K-
Chat. So what do you need to do for BJ's Fit for Football?
BJ: Well, Angela, anybody can do it. What you need is a real expensive gym, a
team of trainers, medical practitioners, dieticians a big crowd and a caller
who wants you dead, dead in the dirt. I mean a nasty blood sucking leech of a
man who'd destroy you if you don't destroy him first. A man you'd like to set
animals on, he's the enemy, and you'd sit in a box so the times just right and
then you'd pounce baby, like a kitty Kat on catnip. I'll sack a man, pile drive
him hard, again and again because if he comes my way I'll nail him every time.
Amy: This video sounds like a lot of fun.
BJ: Fun? Fun? You think it's fun when grown men cry in mortal agony when you're
so scared about what you're going to do to a man you step outside yourself like
an astral projection and The police go Kent state on ya and people cryin and
bleedin and pouncing each other in the face, and that's just in the locker room
with before the game. That's your idea of fun?
Amy: Yeah, I, I, I guess.
BJ: Yeah, mine too, that's why I'm making a comeback. I've been retired two
years and I'll tell ya selling cars or appearing in soft drink commercials is
not fun, compared to having 50,000 low IQ morons in Green Bay, or Tampa or
Liberty City or wherever. Screaming and howling they want you dead just because
you're playing for the Mambas. That's actualising the soap.
Amy: Wow, that sounds interesting. Tell me about it.
BJ: I'm doing that, I've bin doing, hey, wait a minute. Are you reading a book
ver there during this interview?
Amy: No, no, I can hardly read, get on with it.
BJ: I'm trying to sweets, you best listen. The comeback is a real deal. BJ
Smith's six-year Pro Bowl MVP the man responsible for more broken bones then
anyone since people had legs. I'm a Fiddler Crab you can rip my arms off and
I'll just Molt and grow some new ones. Amy: Where?
BJ: Right here, right now. let's get it on!
Amy: Of course. I mean when?
BJ: Soon baby, real soon. But, and don't call it a comeback, like the songs say
I'll whoop your ass. And this time I'm doing it my way. Ignorant fools gave me
nothing to work with.
Amy: What owners are you talking about?
BJ: The owners of the team. They gave me nothing. They the reason my marriage
failed. I worked my ass off all those years, sweating blood, and and puking my
soul out and they treat me like a tractor. Roll me around treat me no better
then a dog. The guys that got hurt, they never saw a penny out of those mosses.
Amy: That's just like Jade.
BJ: Who's Jade? She a fox?
Amy: My friend, she's a Goth. She got sacked for wearing makeup and an 'I hate
Life' t-shirt to work and never saw a penny.
BJ: She like um, football or something?
Amy: She teaches Kindergarten, professionally.
BJ: You know, I know a lot of players who need to go back to school after they
finished playing. It's a tough life and you lose something.
Amy: What did you lose?
BJ: Hope, diction, something, it's brutal out there,
Amy: That's just like Jade. Those kids are evil little brats.
BJ: Listen, are you going to talk about your freaky friends, who dress like a
funeral? I thought we were here to talk about BJ. BJ Smith. And I feel alive! I
mean really alive! Ain't nothing more envigoring then holding a mans head in
your hands and looking him in the eyes and saying I could kill ya in one second
old man. And he says I've got a wife! And you say, give me all the money in
your cash register.
Amy: What are you talking about? Uh! BJ, are those muscles real?
BJ: That's funny you should ask, cos the answer is yes. They ain't implants or
nutin.
Amy: Wow, you're enormous.
BJ: Nah, there are some guys twice my size, but I'm quite, rich and angry, like
a republican.
Amy: So, oh, um, I see. Look, I ain't got anything more to say to you. And I
can't fall in love with another guest, or I'll get sacked. So, let's go to the
phones! Who's on line one?
Caller: Hey Amy, I'm a first time caller. How you doing? I love your show.
Sorta. BJ man, you're awesome. Here's my question. How'dya play that game
against San Andreas with two broken legs? Ah, I can't believe I'm talking to
ya. Wow man, I don't know what to say. This is the greatest day of my life.
BJ: Well why the hell are ya calling in? Don't worry. I'm a professional. The
method I used in the game against SA, is actually a part of my exercise  video.
When in doubt, go for the groin. I hope that answers your question.  That's the
problem with the public, fans. I get it all the time. Know what I'm saying?
Amy: Absolutely. I get that all the time. People say, 'huh, aren't you that
girl of the television in that show?' and I say, no, I'm the girl from the
radio, I just look like her. Anyway, BJ, that's all we have time for now.
BJ: Thanks Amy, and um, look after that moustache.
Amy: Ok. Thank you. I'll be back on K-Chat after these messages from our
sponsors. Don't go away.
 ______________________
|                      |
| q) AD11 - Degenatron |
|______________________|

Speaker: Are ya tired of dad?
Boy: Dad, noone wants to hear your stupid Vietnam story.
Speaker: Are ya tired of mom?
Mom: Hi angel, do ya want to read a book or go outside?
Boy: Nooo!
Backing: Degenatron!
Speaker: The arcade comes to your living room, only without the creepy guys
offering to show you puppies.
Kids: Awesome.
Speaker: The degenatron, you can play video games just like you are in the
Arcade.
Kids: Excellent!
Backing: Degenatron!
Speaker: The degenatron gaming system plays three exciting games including
Defender of the Faith where you save the green dots with your fantastic flying
red square.
Kids: Cool!
Speaker: Monkey's Paradise where you swing from green dot to green dot with
your red square monkey.
Kids: That's red!
Speaker: And Penatrator where you smash the green dots deep inside the
mysterious red square.
Kids: Wow!
Speaker: The Degenatron brings arcade realism to your living room. It can even
tackle quarters and a strange sweaty man comes by to empty the machine on
Fridays.
Backing: Degenatron!
Speaker: Degenatron, fighting the evil of boredom.
Kids: I'll never go to school again.
Backing: Degenatron!
 ___________________
|                   |
| r) AD12 - Salivex |
|___________________|

Speaker: Do you have dry mouth?
Woman: I soor doo.
Speaker: It protects your teeth, fights infection and lubricates your food. But
what happens when you run out of saliva?
Woman: Help me, I can't talk.
Speaker: For personal dryness upstairs, it's Salivex.
Woman: Wow, I can spit again!
Speaker: Salivex is more then saliva in a can. Salivex improves consumption
efficiency by 50%. No more half way cures like coating your throat with cooking
oil to have that extra piece of cake, or bowl kitty litter!
Woman: After a night out my tongue tasted like carpet, it was embarrassing.
Now with Salivex I can eat a whole box or crackers, or lick my life partners...
Censor: Stamp-Collection
Woman: ...all night!
Man: It's like having a Salivation Army in my mouth! Now I can suck a...
Censor: Lollipop
Man: ...for as long as I want!
Speaker: Salivex tastes like your own saliva. That's because at Salivex's state
of the art production facilities, we use salivation philanthropists who make
Salivex all day. Salivex, when it comes to personal dryness upstairs, we're
deadly serious!
 ___________________
|                   |
| s) Claude Maginot |
|___________________|

Amy: Welcome back to K-Chat, my next guest is the star of the hit show, 'Just
the Five of Us', where he appears as the rich father of a family of misfits.
But more recently he's been working on a controversial theatre piece 'In the
Future there will be Robots'. Claude Maginot. Welcome to the show!
Claude: Thanks Amy, however, you have mispronounced my name. It's Madge, which
rhymes with badge. Uh as in duh and no as in more then your. Maginot.  Anyway
thank you for having me on your show. It's always a pleasure to discuss my art
Amy: Yes, you're so funny! now Claude, you're an interesting man, if you don't
mind me saying so much, because on the one hand you're on the funniest show in
the whole wide world, just the five of us, and on the other you do those weird
theatre dance shows which aren't funny
Claude: Yes, thank you technical school dropout, I'm sure sitting here talking
all day is terribly difficult Juliard. In the future there will be robots is
not a funny piece. It deals with the most important issues in the world today,
love pain, suffering, skin tight pants and well stretched groin muscles. But
see music has no name Amy, it's about depth and texture and the sense of
community that emerges from the struggle going on within all of us. between man
and machine, between the angel and the beast. It's as if Petrushka and Leonard
Bernstein were in a ferocious dance competition with switch blades. That is
passion my dear.
Amy: Um, ok, so it's a bit like Just the Five of Us, what a show! I love Jimmy,
he's so cute, even though he looks so young.
Claude: I'd rather not talk about my complications working with, him. I'm a
performer, I express myself anyway I can. While I'd never attempt to describe
Just the Five of Us as anything other then worshipless pap I need to support my
serious art. It's like stealing a boom box to do live interpretive dance. If I
bring joy to people's hearts doing an interpretation of a tree in a park, who
is harmed? There is a value I derive from art, as a man, as a creator, and that
is this:  Never overestimate the dreadfulness of the mass market, the degrading
excess of the culture or the horror we all have within us.
Amy: great, yeah, me too. but, as Mr Chesterfield you're so funny! what is it
you say? not in my house. hah, ha ha! that gets me every time. Especially after
the drunken tramp you adopted has wet himself. Oh say it for me, please!
Claude: As they say in France, matrise.
Amy: Please!
Claude: Not in my house. Please, I came on your fine show to discuss art not
people that whore themselves out on the alter of commercial success dancing
like a puppet alongside a genetic freak. Although I do that too.
Amy: Ok, moody. So what do you want to talk about?
Claude: Oh, I don't know, my performance at the Hollywood bowl perhaps. There
are some that attend the concert inside. I am the concert outside myself.   In
the parking lot where we build bonfires and dance it comes back to the
seriousness of my purpose. At a young age, I held puppet shows on the corner
that had people weeping and lying down in the streets. It's about movement,
about encouraging ordinary working class people that there's something
enervating about modern dance performance. that seeing in the future there will
be robots will change your life, no matter what your life's like now.
Amy: So, it's kind like getting a new haircut?
Claude: Yes, exactly. No! It's nothing like getting a new haircut you halfwit!
This is movement! Watch my hand, yes movement! There's a manatee on stage see
he cannot hear from the wall of vagna around him. We have lasers that shoot him
down, cut him free, free his soul from the bondage of the past. and then on
stage, we have snow that falls that represents love in all its forms. the robot
makes a snow angel and we begin to cry. close curtains.
Amy: um, ok. well, I love 'Just the Five of Us'!
Claude: Please, please, please, enough! Five succeeds while Robots starve.
Attendance has been poor. If I were opening this with the orchestra
philharmonic de halap in Mexico, there would be riots in the streets with small
children giving me flowers and weeping. here in Vice City they wouldn't know
art unless it came as a tube of beef jerkey. The told me, Claude, it can't be
done. Vice City is for sun worshipers and philistines. And I told them no, I
told them, if I'm directing a work of commercial dross down there. I must save
my soul with some serious art. But to be honest Amy, they were right. I feel
ahead of my time.  The best artists are ignored. I mean, surely, any right
minded person would rather spend an evening watching the express the meaning of
space. as they move delicately across the stage in the dance of desire and
denigration then flopping around in a disco or a nightclub or sucking the
electric teat of television.
Amy: I know I would!
Claude: God! I mean, what is wrong with you people?
Amy: God my hair!
Claude: What?
Amy: My hair, it's all wrong, it clashes with my dress.
Claude: Zeus, Sisero, Shakespeare, Floberce, someone please save me from this
hell hole. my dear, you are so interent, I'm trying to save you, to save
everyone. You don't see the art around you. Are you in search of Auld Lang
Synes, singing Madame Butterfly on a window sill or relegating yourself to a
cricket in Huckleberry Finn. I'm a movement that conquers love while you
complain about your dress. Know you not how important my mission be?
Amy: Right, cool, Ok Mr Chesterfield. I mean, huh, Mr Maginot. You've gotta
hang in there. You're on K-Chat and I'll be right back.

 ___________________________
|                           |
| t) AD13 - D'Leo and Turax |
|___________________________|

Speaker: At the law firm of D'Leo and Turax we understand that sometimes life
throws you a curveball. We help our blue-chip clients get their lives back,
after circumstances have conspired against them. Just listen:
Druggy: It was an unfortunate accident what happened to my wife on that
precarious cliff. D'Leo and Turax can't bring my wife back, but they made sure
I didn't end up in the slammer.
Man: I was unfortunate enough to be found with 15 kilos in my spare tyre. I was
so mad at the auto repair shop that sold me that tyre, thanks to D'Leo and
Turax the district attorney saw it that way too.
Woman: I, I accidentally torched a Quick'E'Mart when my medication ran out.
Hum, hum. D'Leo and Turax helped me and the community by insuring a healthy
settlement from the Pharmaceutical company.
Speaker: At D'Leo and Turax we understand the juditional system and will insure
the truth is heard, no matter how improbable. We're not cheap, but what price
can you put on truth? Call D'Leo and Turax today at 8669742333, that's
8669SHADEE. D'Leo and Turax accidents happen, and we'll prove it!
 _______________________
|                       |
| u) AD14 - Ammu-Nation |
|_______________________|

Speaker: The store leading the fight against communism is having a blow out
sale! Ammu-Nation has a wide array of peacemakers! Come by Ammu-Nation on
Militia Mondays, exercise your second Amendment right and get 10% off all armor
piercing bullets. We're the only gun store that let's you try before you buy
it! Need anti-tank missile? We've got'em!  Flamethrowers? Oh yeah! No credit,
no problem! No money down, 90 days, same as cash. Shoot now, pay later! If
you're in the 10 minute waiting period fire off a few rounds at the Ammu-Nation
gun range, featuring faces of commies paint coats! Come by Ammu-Nation and
register to win an anti-aircraft gun actually used when we whooped Australia's
ass! This weekend is the Ammu-Nation Film Festival with free screening of the
documentary Red Dawn! Ammu-Nation protecting your rights!
 ____________________________
|                            |
| v) Claude Maginot - Phones |
|____________________________|

Amy: You're back on K-Chat with me, Amy, and my special guest. Let's go to the
phones!
Bruce: Mr Maginot, Bruce from Prawn Island here. Big fan of the show Mr
Maginot. Big fan. Dude, I dunno about this robot thing it's weird.  Is he
really 42? Does he shop in the kids isle does he get on rollercoaster rides I
mean, what's the deal. Does he pay half price at the movies?
Claude: No comment, next caller.
Amy: Oh my god, trauma. I meant that, that's my line. I'm supposed to say...oh
god this guy is such a dick. Urgh, next caller. Oh, who's on the line?  I mean,
who's on line 1? urgh, What number is it? Who's on the line?
Morgan: Hello Claude, this is Morgan. I'm just vacationing down here after
finishing my doctoral thesis into images of young boys in post lapsarian Greece
an erotic understatement in the few and contemporary baroque. Fascinating
stuff. Mmmm.
Amy: Do you have a question? I'm confused.
Morgan: No, woman, I just wanted to tell Claude about my thesis and discuss his
bleaker death in Venice streets period. Of course I have a question silly girl.
Claude, I saw Robots. Big fan and that's praise indeed coming from me. I
normally hate anything humanity has achieved since 1836, but one thing
fascinated me. Claude, about the show, the pants, they were so tight, so
fitted. how do you get such a marvellous close sequined figure hugging fit and
still. Hmm? And were the sequins a reference to lasers?
Claude: Yes, yes, my, my, I agree. Thanks for calling. That is an important
question. You see, I'm an important person, and I especially think so.  It is
really important to see my form move through space in very tight pants. Or the
effect is ruined. Interpretive dance cannot be expressed in baggy clothing.
It's like a violin parade otherwise, why have a love story with a manatee and
the lasers? It's very important.
Amy: You're kind of creepy. You're nothing like you are on the show, you're so
funny there, joking with the family, and putting out the fires started by the
homeless guy, and starting group hugs. But in real life you're just plain
creepy. You won't even tell us how old Jimmy is. All you talk about is Arty
stuff which no-one understands because it's complicated, and how tight your
pants are.
Claude: That's not true. I also discuss love and passion and a manatee and the
lasers. You my dear could use all three. You my dear are a philistine.  I'm
sorry, but this is one of the most degrading, debasing, horrific, unedifying,
opportunistic things I have ever done in my life since that whole Rake's
progress lawnmower commercial. I feel dirty, like I've just sat in something.
Amy: You did, our last guest was taken violently ill.
Claude: Yes well, such is the plight of radio. Rather then grumble like
Leporello, or a Taxi driver about my duties cleaning the back seat. I shall bid
you adieu.
Amy: Okay, thanks Claude. Next we have a very important guest that doesn't
dance like a weird jerk. We'll be back right after this. You're on K-Chat!

 ____________________________
|                            |
| w) AD15 - Maibatsu Thunder |
|____________________________|

Speaker: Knights of the road, here's your stallion. The car for freedom.
Backing: Freedom!
Speaker: The car for hot excitement.
Baking: Excitement!
Speaker: The car for a man who is alone against the elements.
Backing: The Maibatsu Thunder
Speaker: The pride is back. It's the power of a compact.
Backing: Looks small but's so big.
Speaker: Fuel injected.
Backing: Inject me!
Speaker: Maibatsu Thunder. On the toll road of life you have to pay to prove
you can. Live the emotion of the individual.
Backing: Thunder!
Speaker: The awesome power of nature distilled into one vehicle.
Backing: Wow!
Speaker: Because after you get struck by lightning, there's thunder!
Backing: The Maibatsu Thunder!
 _____________________________
|                             |
| x) AD16 - Advice about Reds |
|_____________________________|
Kid: *Laughs like a small baby*
Mom: What's this I found under your bed? The only Engle's you're going to read
is Laura Engle's Wilder.
Speaker: If you think your child might be a Red, here are some warning signs.
The read complicated literature and have concern for their fellow man.  They
even like to share. Tell your kids, if someone approachs them with pamphelts
about recycling, an invitation to a Labour rally, or showing any doubts about
the fariness of our system. Then they should find a teacher or a policeman
immediately.
 ___________________________________
|                                   |
| y) AD17 - Pastor Richard's Statue |
|___________________________________|

Pastor: Do yourself a favour, take both hands off the wheel and touch the
stereo, do you feel the power? Ah yes friend, there' a lot of evil in this
world, but there's also light. And I have been sent to shine a light on all
degenerates, philanerderers, Liberals and other evil doers and expose them for
what they really are. Don't waste your money on unnessacery and corrupting
material possesions, give it to me. There's only one thing that will save you.
A highly fortified structure in the shape of the most powerful thing on the
planet, me. Degenerates will ruin this great city. In my wonderful book I tell
of the impending disaster about to befall this planet, nuclear holocaust,
plagues of flying rodents, the seas rising up and turning yellow. It is coming,
it is written by me but you can save yourself. Contribute to the Pastor
Richards Salvation Statue Fund, pick up your telephone call now, 1-866-9SAVEME
 _________
|         |
| z) Thor |
|_________|

Amy: Hi! And welcome back. If you're just joining us, you're listening to K-
Chat, Vice City's only commercial talk station. The place where the stars
shining conversation with you and me. I'm Amy Sheckenhausen my next guest is a
rising star in the world of Norse Mythology. He's appeared in several best
selling Informercials and travels the globe speaking at corporate training
camps. His books and audio casstetes are sold around the world. He's Valahla's
finest diety and motivational speaker, Thor.
Thor: Hi! Hello Amy, I'm happy to be here, it's been a long journey.
Amy: Uh, yeah. Now I don't know much about you, I mean I read Beowulf, well, I
didn't but I read the cover. But like, you're a Viking right?
Thor: Did the tunaskin-goatskin boots give you a clue maybe? I am a Viking. And
a Viking that will not only help you unleash the fury's but unleash yourself.
It's in my Thor's Norse Power Program.
Amy: Okay, I'm a little confused. Well, I'm a lot confused. I was taught in
school that Vikings were bloodthirsty and violent!
Thor: An elder once taught me, you must unlearn what you have learnt. Of course
then he died of the green plague. There are some Vikings that are a
bloodthirsty lot yes. But no more then anyone else, really. We're a nomadic
people Amy, we have cold fire in our soles. You have that fire too Amy, you've
just lost it since you got in television. Now, that being said, I'll answer you
question. We're mostly non-violent, though many of the Vikings travelled to
Scotland. And min ya, anyone who goes there will turn bloodthirsty, you can't
understand the lot are saying. It's all afore, reckle, aboot, dinnea, it's
enough to make you want to burn a village to the ground. That's why in my
casstete series, I talk about the importance of communication. You see Amy, men
and women live in different worlds. We use different words. A group of men talk
about what they've killed, how to start a fire, who ahs the best longboat.
Women talk about keeping the longhouse tidy and their feelings. When I'm
raiding a village I don't need to be talking about feelings, it's time for
action!
Amy: Great! So is that all there is to being a Viking? Pillaging?
Thor: No, lass, no, pillaging and battle are important but we admire poetry as
well, as long as it's poems about whacking someone in with a doublehanded
battle axe. What's holding you back Amy? In Chapter 3 of my book I talk about
listening to the blood thirsty water spirit. It's really quite important if you
want to enter Valhalla.
Amy: I think I went there last night! Uh, no, umm that was Malibu but it's the
same sort of thing. Valhalla was that goth club wasn't it? So 1983. But right,
what does being a Viking have to do with anything? This is the 20th century. We
have elecricity, penecilin, jet planes, implants, well, I don't, but I want
some, but I heard the operation is really grose. You live like it's 982AD or
something.
Thor: Mind your toungue whench, lest I cut it out. Deep down all of you
listening to me say Thor, yes, I'd like to unleash the Viking within.  Maybe
you go camping every year or hunting, and wonder why it feels so natural.
That's because it is, so much as denying your instincts. Men shaving you know
deep down in the pit of your sole you wish you could crouch in the grass with
flies biting your face afraid to move for fear of alerting the beasts. Covering
yourself with Yak urine to thwart your smell, then a beast draws close, you
pounce, bringing your battleaxe on it's skull! Man and animal at that moment,
one and the same in a terrible beauty. Then you drag the carcase back to camp
and celebrate by eating it's heart! Some people they only do this once in their
lifetime, I do this everyday. And so can you, all it takes is some positive
thinking.  Just atend by Unleash the Norse Within weekend. When you are
finished you will say, I am a God! Nobody can stop me! I crush my enemies and
dance on their funeral pyres. This is very helpful for living in suburbia Amy,
and I should know.
Amy: I really don't understand how.
Thor: Oh, it's very helpful. Maybe a neighbor is tossing leaf clippings on your
lawn, looking at your woman, or harboring desires regarding your longboat. You
enslave his children, set his house on fire. He shall not bother you again.
Amy: Huh, it must be nice to have you as a neighbor, not.
Thor: I live in no place longer then needed to fulfil my goals, taking slaves,
valuables and food. Goal settings is very important Amy, not just in football.
Amy: You're very wierd and creeping me out a bit. But whatever, no weirder then
anything else. So what do you think of Vice City?
Thor: Ah, I like it very much. Your women here are prepared for battle. They
are large, not like the scrawny things up north. A woman who eats well provides
for her man. You cannot set sail for robbing and pillaging on an empty stomach.
It's like the story of the Parson's Wife and the Troll.
Amy: I don't think I've ever heard of that one.
Thor: Great Carloson. Ye mainlanders have no historical perspective. Read the
runes! It's all right there. Talk to a grandparent. But no, you cast people out
like rubbish. Wisdom is not to be treated so lightly. When my father grew old,
I sat with him day and night absorbing his wisdom.  Learning about the demons
and where the wickedness presides in men's hearts. And as his time grew near, I
built a large pyre and burnt him and his wife while communing with old spirit.
Amy: Careful. Musty Pines is a sponsor of this show. Uh, grody. What are you
doing?
Thor: I'm just adjusting myself she devil. Wearing these animals hides does get
a bit itchy.
Amy: Um, okay You never answered my question. What do you think of Vice City?
Thor: Your land and people have a lot in commomn with mine. You see, we too
fled our homes due to lack fo food, over population and the bitter cold, and my
gee starting out to raid passing ships is fine. But we needed a new land to
have our way with. Granted we rode and sailed to an area, land and forest and
burned down a local monastry or village. Whereas you come in, destroy all the
creatures and sell palstic versions of them. You did a fine job pillaging these
lands. But you should have something about Canada.
Amy: Wait a minute there buster, my mother's half canadian.
Thor: Oh, what are you going to do wench? Sweep the ice furiously at me?
Socialise medicine? Nah, you did it all wrong. You should have continued to the
north and finished things off. I talk about this in me motivational learning
tape. That and beware the magpie. She's the devil.  Evil raineth when darkness
falls.
Amy: Are you married, you seem like a tough chracter to live with.
Thor: Ay, my wife Helga. What a hag.
Amy: This show is not sexist. Whatever certain bearded women might say. Women
are people too. I'd appreciate if you wouldn't talk that way.
Thor: Ah! Go live in a chimney ye troll! Ye 20th centry women are all the same.
And me hag Helga, she felt pradiy up in her ways. She says to me, Thor I ain't
having no mead no more, I'm going to meetings. See, that's ye problem. As soon
as you sort something out, you have to go preaching from the rooftops to
everyone else, how to live, not pillage nor plunder no more, but live in boxes.
Then she says, Thor, I'm getting my stomach stapled I look fat. I now fat as
two yak skins when previously it was only one. I said, whench! Dont' come
crying to me when we're in a longboat crossing the straights for two moons adn
you're all skin and bones. A man needs something to grab onto. Aye, ain't her
fault. A cursed pizie goblin got her.
Amy: Pixie Goblin? What kind of weird ancient nonsense are you talking about?
Now, Thor, I've got to ask you, how old are you?
Thor: I'm as old as the fjords and as a young as a new born lamb.
Amy: Are you shy about your age? Just lie about it like my mom.
Thor: Thor is never shy! Thor is mighty, THor is a god!
Amy: And where are you from?
Thor: From the beggining of the flat earth where the sun meets the sky.
Amy: Oh right, by the beach, great. Let's take a commercial break, we'll be
right back with Thor! he's a real Viking! Yeah right whatever.
 __________________________
|                          |
| aa) AD18 - Medallion Man |
|__________________________|

Fernando: Hello, I am Fernando Martinez, I think by now you know I am an
emotional kind of guy. People stop me in the street and say, Fernando what the
hell is wrong with me? Silk-shirt, hairy chest, enough aftershave to drown a
household pet, but I still cannot get a woman.  And I tell them, you are an
ignorant fool. Without the symbol of power and fertility around your nexk, What
knid of woman is going to respect you? That's why I've teamed up with Medallion
Man, the shop for medallion needs. Medalion Man caters to all levels of
masculinity, for the strong silnet type a medallion the size of a hub cap will
say everything that needs to be said. Even singing medallions for the Casanova
who knows music is the food of love. My old drains, thal houses, dipers,
whatever your interest, we've got the medallion for you. Don't forget, every
woman knows, if you can't support amedalion, you can't support a family.
 __________________________
|                          |
| ab) AD19 - Synth and Son |
|__________________________|

Speaker: We have some sad news for you.. Rock & Roll is dead, and pop is in!
Why not discover the excitement of the science of music yourself, at Synths &
Son - the home of keyboards! Thanks to the science of music, you don't need
musical talent to make great music. Just listen...I created that, just by
pressing a button. Synthesizers are the new way! Why work hard on difficult
compositions, when a machine can make music better than you've ever dreamed of?
You'll be the hit of the party! It's perfect for in restaurant entertainment,
cover bands, and funerals. Make fuse funky, and death marches danceable! It's
the science of music at Synth & Son. Remember - you don't know you're a great
musician, until you try!
 ___________________
|                   |
| ac) Thor - Phones |
|___________________|

Amy: We're back on K-Chat, with me, Amy, and my guest is Thor. Viking Warrior
and self help guru. Do you have last name? Anyway, what were we talking about?
Thor: We were talking about the wisdom of the ancients. There are many hurdles
in life Amy, I remember one of the first bit of fanmail I got. It came by
bottle in the sea. A man of loolard island said, a tiny woman came to our farm
and swept in front of our door, a woodland troll has carried off my woman in
the dead of night. Give me wisdom Thor!
Amy: So, what did you tell him?
Thor: Hi Amy, it was obvious the black plague had visited his home. As sure as
you can't be a midwife to a fairy, expect wisdom from a fool, or find a good
meal Downtown on a Saturday night.
Amy: Ok, I don't um I really have nothing to ask you. Because I really don't
think we're bonding quite right here. I'm more then a little confused.  Let's
go to the phones! You're on K-Chat with Thor!
Jay: Yes hello Thor, my names Jay. I'm a huge fan man. Your book really helped
me through puberty. Everyone else was into vampires and stuff. I'd just got
into the Viking thing it's pretty cool. It's been working pretty well for me.
Anyway, my girlfriend and I, we fight all the time. She's always calling to
check up on me. It really totally sucks, it's a drag. Like I hang out at the
stripmall with all my boys, and she shows up. Is there any advice you can give
me?
Thor: Ah yes. There was the man that asked for a nights lodging at a certain
farm on the eve of Maunday Thursday, or maybe it was fat Tuesday. Anyway in the
course of the night the old woman of the house took that a hortnet sab and
smeared herself with it from head to toe. She then climbed on top of the stove,
sat astride a sweeping broom and began to...
Amy: Uh, hello, excuse me. What the hell are you talking about?
Thor: Reading from the Runes whench!
Amy: What kind of rune is that?
Thor: Ah, it's a man's rune and not appropraite for the warrior under 18 years
old. But there's a moral at the end. Are you still there fairjay?
Jay: Ah yeah. I'm still here.
Thor: Do you love this woman?
Amy: Yeah, I, uh think so. She's really special. Special in the backseat if you
know what I mean Thor.
Thor: Then behead her! And parade thy love around on a stick for the world to
admiree.
Jay: Wow, cool, thanks Thor!
Amy: OK I'd like to throw you out but you've got an enormous sword and uh, arh,
yeah. Let's take another call. But first listeners, Vice City, remember don't
behead your girlfriend and take her head around on a stick. Hello, you're on K-
Chat with Thor!
TJay: Hey brother. My name is TJay. Your book is fresh. Real fresh. Like it's
been a real inspiration and all that. it's most definately on me and my crew's
vibe. And that Loci brother, he as slicker as Slaivex. You know what I mean
trooper? In fact, me and my boys have started a Thor fanclub.  You know what
I'm rapping? We're on your vibe man.
Thor: Aye, a Thor fanclub. This pleases Thor very much. I shall speak of myself
in the 3rd person from now on.
TJay: Uh, uh, yeah I wasn't really into school all that much. But I hear you
Thor. So anyway, we have this fanclub right, and instead of naming it something
like The Vice Lords of Valhalla we gave it like a, a modern name, keeping
things firmly in the '80's you know. The Bloods. Ain't that off the wall man?
We follow your teachings to the letter sir. Especially how you go around
smiting fools with that wildman hammer of yours. And getting people to know
exactly what time it is. You hear?
Thor: Have you a magic hammer?
TJay: Nah T, we don't have any olden types round here to strap us with superfly
hardware like yours. But we do have Mac 10s, Tec 9's, Tray 8's StreetSweepers
and all that. Are you still on my vibe man?
Thor: Aye, I like the sound of this. Me thinks I want to join your group. Do
you pillage proper?
TJay: Hell yeah, we do it like a viking. You ought to come party with us. We'll
even make you a hounaray Blood. Word.
Thor: Ah, indiscrimitave pillaging. This is, as we say, the school of old. When
I am done with the whench, we shall meet. Till then beware the Frost Giant,
TJay and the serpant with two tounges.
TJay: Uh, yeah, ok whatever, yo brother! Where did you land that funky fresh
silver helmet of yours? Those wings on the side are wicked money!
Amy: Stop calling me a whench!
Thor: I have much to teach you whench Amy. Only if you would listen. For many
centuaries people have asked questions. Why has my fadded calf gone after the
gypsie woman appeared? Are there trolls living in my chimney? Aye sure, I could
tell you the story of twelve children on the platter or the midsummers snow.
And the spirit hatched from the cock's egg. But in the end Amy, you need a
spirit journey. A wandering spirit demands a wandering body. Take a longboat.
Pack only what you can carry. Head toward the moon at high tide.
Amy: Ok thanks for the advice. And with that revelation, I'm going to have to
change topics. That was Thor viking warrior. Coming up next, we have another
guest. We'll be back, right after this.
 ______________________________________
|                                      |
| ad) AD20 - Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts |
|______________________________________|

Speaker: How do you like to enjoy a Rusty Brown's Ring Donut?
Man: I like to lick lovingly around the outside and then trust my tongue in the
middle.
Woman: I like to munch it vigourously.
Man: I just love the batter, all over my face.
Man: On Friday nights I just can't stop eating Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts.
Woman: Oh my god! it's so good.
Man: Sometimes I like to wear women's panties and walk around 5th Street.
Speaker: When you go Downtown, make sure you enjoy Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts.
 ______________________________________
|                                      |
| ae) AD21 - Think your Way to Success |
|______________________________________|

Jeremy: Hi, I'm Jeremy Rowbar. Entrepreneur, VIP and founder of the
revolutionary program Think Your Way to success. It's a three step program
that's been changing lifes, and my income, for the last two years. Five years
ago, I was a nobody just like you. After my Think Your Way to success program I
spend the entire weekend in my jacuzzi.  Or engaging in the exciting sport of
domino toppling. Hey, if you can think it you can do it. One of my award
winning courses is sure to be  perfect for you. The first course is I call,
Think, Hold that Thought, Complete because that's what you do. Step two is
known as Learn, Start doing, where I explain the mysteries of starting. Or take
the new excellerated course that'll have you laughing and higgin strangers.
Motivate, Demonstrate, then motivate again. Just listen to these endorsments.
And remember, these people volunteered. They aren't being paid much.
Man: I've been on the Think, Hold That Thought, Complete program and I have to
say, I'm finally gonna start my career as a well paid rich person.
Man: Yeah, I've been thinking my way to success for a while now. It's some good
stuff.
Jeremy: Call now and sign up for my Think Your Way to Success program, and if
you want to think really fast, try my Krank It Out program. Call 1-866-434SELF.
Hey, don't just do it. Think about it.
 ______________________________
|                              |
| af) AD22 - Complete the Look |
|______________________________|

Speaker: Sweaty leather tracksuit? Absurdly fat day glow laces? Something
missing?
Backing: Complete the look.
Speaker: Complete the look, with a replica car sign insignia on a chunky gold
plate chain. At Vice City's one stop shop for people who know how to put the
hip into hip-hop.
Backing: Wow, you look fresh.
Speaker: Complete the look.
 _________________
|                 |
| ag) Jez Torrent | Thanks to PSY who wrote all the Jez Torrent stuff
|_________________| out! (I added the names but that's it, Psy did the rest)

Amy: God, can we play more commercials on this station, this station in about
me. what? oh, hmm, Hi, I'm Amy. So right. We're back, I'm here with like, oh my
god this is so exciting, but now I'm here with Jez Torrent, a Rock god all the
way from Scotland, England. So Jez, I'm sorry as you can tell oooooooh, I'm a
really huge fan of love fist
Jez: Hey, hey, hey, hey, Dinnae say sorry babe, you are a woman of substance
and I like that
Amy: Thanks, yeah, thanks, that's cool, and oh, Jez, who is that thing with
you?
Jez: Dinnae mind Mandy, I think she's zoning out a little bit aren't ya man,
look she's gotta take me 24/7, you know what I'm saying, poor lassie she's had
a torrent of Jez more than one girl can take eh, say hello man
Mandy: Hi Paul, angle, where are we?
Jez: err, the rock lifestyle hasnae been to good to her, man just go away and
sit in the lobby until I'm finished hen.
Mandy: Check the fridge
Amy: Is she ok, I mean apart from being an UGLY CHEAP COW, she looks half dead.
Jez: aye, she, hey, hey, hey, seriously man dinnae cramp my style, I'm an
artist
Mandy: uh, heh, ok jezzy, so Jez, I was listening to your album on my boom box
all weekend, like how is it, aaah, I mean you know, you're really, totally
famous, no way, I mean, uuuuhhh like, so anyway, How. Are. You?
Jez: Cool Man, I'm cool, things are good, u cant O.D. on love, and I have
tried. The tour is really something special, you Americans, you really know how
to rock and roll man, not like back home.
Amy: I'm so confused, is that because the new album didn't do so well in the
UK?
Jez: It's that thasher thatcher, I sing about working class people, trying to
make it through a tough life, I sing about the things they want, trashing hotel
rooms, wearing glitter on your eyes, and waking up in a ditch next to a
totalled sports car, when you make minimum wage, love conquers all, no what I
mean Sheila?
Amy: uh, the names Amy, heh
Jez: Aye right, what ever.  Like as was sayin man, right, I'm an artist, I
ain't in this for the money, if I were, would I be wearing these clothes? it's
because the critics don't know, you know, they stand there and they do not
know, have they ever really listened to the lyrics to Burry Me Deep Inside? eh,
if the music isn't what they want to hear, if the songs, ain't the right songs,
you know, if things aren't in their space, or whatever, right man, u know
that's my choice you know, because I am love fist and the thing is right
they're not, and if they don't get it, and if they're not riding my wave that
day man, well, you know, I ain't gonna go crying puppies, just because their
dog is teething you know, as far as these idiots are concerned I'm a man, but I
tell you sweet heart I've been over to the other side baby, and man, oh, man
it's beautiful, but these idiots man, they've not been there
Amy: Ok, riiiight, this last album wasn't you're best selling, was it. I don't
even think it charted in the UK!
Jez: What is a chart man? A piece of paper, bring that to a concert and I'll
set it on FIRE. I ain't no Ronald Regan of rock babe, album charts are the
metaphor for human isolation, and the break down of interaction. I say its time
to ROCK. right Mand
Amy: Right jimmy
Jez: That's right, because I say it it, because sweet heart (Mandy - I left the
stove on) man, I am love fist, the biggest band in the world.
Amy: Yeah, but you and Dick, and Percy, and Willie, you're all love fist, the
four Scottish horsemen of the apocalypse, fist till morning, take it on the
chin, Zinked Efficiency, four boys against your face great tracks, what
memories, and here you say you dedicate the album to the children of the night,
who are they?
Jez: No, no, no, no sweet heart man, babe, let's get one thing straight, here,
hello, *taps mic* are we recording here, this is for the record right, testing,
testing, testing, now listen. Love-Fist-Is-Jez-Torrent, I sing the songs sweet
heart, it's my face on the merchandise, you see us in concert you see four men,
rockin' and dancin' with tears in their eyes.  You will see, I am love fist, he
who pays the piper, plays the tune.
Amy: Oooohhhh, I didn't know you had a piper in the band.
Jez: Love, I was talking metaphorically, I'm a poyet, condensed meaning,
enlightenment, we're a family living in death valley, but I walk alone, I am on
a spiritual journey, and if Percy or Willie or Dick, or anybody stands in my
way, the contract says I'll walk, I've been dragged back, and held down, and
embarrassed by those guys, but you know, its part of being in a band man, like
wearing make-up.
Amy: Yeah, but wasn't Percy voted guitarist of the year by Kerrap Rock Monthly?
Jez: Look, I love the whole bit with the fuzzy guitar bit, but he's over rated
love, right, without the torrents of abuse, love fist would be over, and the
new contract reflects that, as an artist it's really important that I make a
lot of money right Mand. we need to keep you and you're fringe and you're
diamonds and that, eh?
Amy: yeah, rock on, keep, roger, what a trip.
Jez: ah, shut up ya silly tart.
Amy: Uh, let's take a caller. hello, oh, ooh, wuh.. you're on the line with
love fist. Hi
Wayne: Yo, this is Wayne man, hoh, Hey guys, I'm on the phone with love fist,
Hey what's up Jez, I'm a huge fan, I go to all of your concerts, I get crazy, I
wear my love fist t-shirt everyday, even when I'm with my old lady, hey I heard
there's subliminal messages in you're videos, is that true?
Jez: Listen, seriously, the big hair, the limousines, the girls, the partying,
the clubs, the hotel suites, another TV smashed into a thousand pieces right,
after my unfortunate incident in Cleveland, I told the press, I don't like
Mondays. This livens up the day, if you're asking me if we was using bat mask,
the music is reversible, but time is not, do you want me to say,
Congradulations you have just discovered the secret message, dreams are made to
be broken, like so many broken dreams, I want to pick up the pieces together,
god.. I am so creative, love, oh wow, I think I've just wrote a song. Maybe
I'll write a song about you. eh. but anyway, like I say, that stuff it doesnae
matter, not for me , I'm a spiritual person on a journey, right, and nothing
will stand in my way, you know.
Wayne: Boy, do I. on the track Satan's Pillows, you sang about how a broken
heart
Jez: Bout how a broken heart can't ever be mended, just broken again, I know,
really powerful stuff, emotional, I think that song says everything that needs
to be said about love man, when you belong to the night, its best to take
advantage of it, and what takes you up, will take you down man, if everyone
remembered that, the world would be ok, thanks love, you are a real smart
cookie.
Amy: Thanks Jez, now, do you think it's important that, well, I mean, you're a
great looking guy, even though you're girlfriend is a CHEAP TRAMP, but do you
think that it's important that rock and roll bands look good? or is it about
the music?
Jez: Like I said, I'm a creature with two faces babe, you know, an angel and a
devil. and that means it's really important to look good, music cannot stand on
its own, you need to look good singin' it. I'm tired of people saying all we
care about is partying, and that we cannae play, if we couldnae play, then
people wouldnae come to our concerts, we're not going away, and if we do it
wont be on purpose.
Mandy: Where are we dear creek
Jez: We're on the radio love, stop dagging me down, I told ya, if you ride a
whirlwind, don't be surprised when the dawn breaks, anyway, where were we?
Amy: AAAAAHHHH, she's really getting on my nerves, w..why are you waving your
hands at me, oh, I'm supposed to go to a commercial, I'll be right back
 ___________________________
|                           |
| ah) AD23 - Farewell Ranch |
|___________________________|

Speaker: Howdy! Welcome to Farewell Ranch. They say the golden years are the
best of your life, but for many seniors they just stink up the house and make
the grandkids feel uncomfortable with unfound connection.  Now, your old people
can be earning you money and enjoying their final years at Farewell Ranch it's
a working farm, cattle ranch and a crematiorium where the cowboys are all over
75. They'll enjoy rodeos, working in the fields and tending all the final
resting places of their new friends on Sunshine Hill. Farewell Ranch works your
loved ones from sun up to sun down. And when your loved one passes away we'll
send you a presentation package, VHS with the spurs and boots they were wearing
as they went onto a better world. Our residents sure love it here right Norm?
Norm: Is this WW2.
Speaker: Farewell Ranch. The only way to ride into the sunset.
 _________________________
|                         |
| ai) AD24 - Giggle Cream |
|_________________________|

Backing: Gi,gi gi,gi Giggle Cream! Wa,wa wa,wa,wa,wa wa wa,wa wa,wa That's the
sound I love.
Man: Stop the morning, you make my night
Woman: With Giggle Cream with everything, you make life bright
Man: Getting tired of my faith, laughing and getting high
Woman: With giggle cream, get the feeling, and what's more fun than that?
Backing: Gi,gi gi,gi Giggle Cream! Wa,wa wa,wa,wa,wa wa wa,wa wa,wa That's the
sound I love.
Man: Giggle cream! It makes desert funny!
 ______________________________
|                              |
| aj) AD25 - Complete the Look |
|______________________________|

Speaker: Asian pyjamas, chinese bandana. Something missing?
Backing: Complete the look!
Speaker: With a throwing star, kendo sticks, or nue chucks. At Vice City's one
stop shop for the silent fashion assasin.
Backing: Wow, you look like a psycho!
Speaker:: Complete the look.
 _________________________________
|                                 |
| ak) Jez Torrent - Pools of Pain | Again, thanks to Psy for this bit
|_________________________________|

Amy: Hi, I'm Amy, and you're on K-Chat. Jez you were telling me about the
music.
Jez: Aye, You know, we wear these costumes to appeal to the working man,
because after you spend a day working in a steel mill, you want to wear leathes
clothes and play air guitar. That's what we're about, the recent album was a
musical trip through hell, and I think it shows.
Amy: Oh Yeah, it does.
Jez: I mean, I saw Satan, he didn't like what he saw in me, he saw darkness,
but also a gently side. ask Mand, I can find treasure in the dark. And its that
em... its that eh.... err.. what's the word?
Amy: Thing?
Jez: Yeah, that's the thing that typifies me as an artist, heart and soul, head
and trousers, everything, that's what you get at one of my shows, Jez Torrent
and Love Fist will really show you, you know, we take the soul into darkness,
bring your lighters, you know, I invented that, I've about had it with wankers
ripping off my vibe, I wore women's clothing first, why? because it tells you
about light and darkness, like the moon, but seriously love, you've got great
eyes, really.
Amy: Oh, heh, thanks Jez, I've always thought that your music really lets
people see into your soul.
Jez: Right into great big pools of pain like me, Dangerous Bastard, you see
babe, I've had my heart broken and I am still a man, I'm working on a song
right now called fallen stars on shattered dreams in the rain, its about being
able to communicate through music rather than words, its set in a wind tunnel,
that's why there's a huge snake painted on my jacket, the snake symbolises kind
of a... subconscious power force, because, life is pain babe, and without music
I'd be lost. This new album is our most mature work yet. I am brilliant on it,
because I sing from the heart.
Amy: About... Heart break?
Jez: Babe, babe, babe, don't go there please, do your show a favour, take it
easy, my people spoke to your people about this, and seriously, I appreciate
the offer, and look, I would shag u, but you have to understand, its too soon.
Amy: Because sherry left you.
Jez: babe, babe, my people spoke to this about your people I said do not
mention sherry, its like sticking needles in my soul, voodoo, who are you, are
you my personal devil, that you could do this to me that pain is too much, I
have hair on my face to hide my soul, Sherry had to go, because the wanted to
be a marine. We couldn't be together, seriously, don't go there.
Amy: ah, uhuhuhuh, uh, this is so sad *sniff* do you have a tissue out there,
oh Jez, I'm so sorry.
Jez: Seriously love, if you listen to the song dragon eyes, it says everything
that needs to be said about her, you cant help me, its raw like a chickens head
you know, the pain it grips you, and makes you think about everything. Its the
longest night of all, December of the soul.
Amy: Jez *sniff* This has been the best interview *sniff* of my life, thanks so
much for coming on. For all of you love fist fans out there, its time for a
contest.
Jez: That's right, ladies, gents, you're listening to me, Jez Torrent on K-Chat
being interviewed by, by,
Amy: It's Amy. Oh god, you forgot my name?
Jez: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Citizens of Vice City, now you've got the
opportunity to win a part of me, my signature, ink. I only give away parts of
me to people who have bought all our records. So you've got to answer this: On
which album does Beast Fist appear? Was it a: Dog's on Heat, b: Fat Chicks, All
Day All Night or c: Devil's Own Band.
Amy: For the chance to win tons of Love Fist prizes, just answer the question.
All you need to do is write the answer on a postcard and send it into the
station. Jez, before you go, will you please play us a song acoustic?
Jez: Piss off! Acoustic songs are for sissys! Babe, seriously, do not cramp my
style. I've got to save up the love for the big show. Babe, I love you, I
really do. Friends for life. Dancing in the fire and all that. Always good to
meet a fan. Will you look after Mand for us will ya?
Mandy: Aww, I lost my lighter again.
Jez: LOVE FIST!
Amy: That was the dreamy Jez Torrent of Love Fist who are appearing this week
in Vice City as part of their world tour. bring your lighters and a spare pair
of panties. I know I will. We'll be right back on K-Chat after these messages,
thanks.

 ________________________________
|                                |
| al) AD26 - The American Thing! |
|________________________________|

Speaker: What makes a real American? A cowboy hat? Enjoying a fine T-bone
steak? Going to a baseball game? Shooting a gun? Maybe it's the freedom to go
into a poor country and tell them how to do things!  Heh! Those are all great
qualities! But one thing that makes a true patriot is the ability to choose an
American car. When you buy an import you take a hot meal off a hard working
American's table.  There, there! This poor girl is going to starve to death,
just because you bought a cheaper, more efficient Maibatsu. Without gross
symbols of excess, what will Americans have to look up to? Our great industries
are threatened! Cars, pornography, armaments! And they need your help! So the
next time you buy a car, a piece of adult literature or a missile defence
system! Make sure you do the American thing!
 _________________________
|                         |
| am) AD27 - Pet Stuffers |
|_________________________|

Old Man: Old Max. We go everywhere together. Right boy?
Speaker: At Pet Stuffers, we know there's nothing like the relationship between
a man and his dog. Sometimes you just can't let go.
Old Man: Max, you didn't eat your food. That's the second week in a row. Max?
Speaker: When the unspeakable happens, just put your four-legged friend in the
fridgerator or freezer, then call Pet Stuffers! We'll be there within a week to
pick him up and in less then a month he'll back as good as new. Through an
Ancient Egyptian miracle process called Taxidermy you and your best friend will
always be together.
Old Man: Yeah, that's a good dog.
Speaker: Pet Stuffers, when you just can't let go. And coming soon,
         Grandparents Forever!
 __________________________
|                          |
| an) AD28 - Sissy Spritze |
|__________________________|

Backing: Higher!
Speaker: The key to feeling great is looking great, and the way to look great
is to have good hair - that's great!
Backing: Take your hair higher! Take-your-hair to-the-limit!
Speaker: Use Sissy Spritze when your clubbing, or sticking your head out of a
stretch limo sunroof, you want to know your hair is performing to the limit.
Backing: Higher! Gonna get higher than the stars!
Speaker: With Sissy Spritze, it's hair for the future, not the past. When you
have great hair, people know you're a winner!
Backing: Gotta fly on my own hair tonight!
Speaker: Sissy Spritze may cause dry mouth, dilated pupils, paranoia, heart
palpitations and nose bleeds, plus your hair will be great!
 ________________________
|                        |
| ao) Michelle Carapadis |
|________________________|

Amy: This is K-Chat, welcome back to the show. I'm Amy Sheckenhausen and next
up, we're going to be interviewing someone who's got a lot to say for herself.
A woman weho pretended to be a man and wrote a book about it. I haven't read
it, but I'm going to pretned I did. She's professer of Anthrososiology and
womens studies at the University of Vice City. And her name's Micheala Crapis.
Crapadis. Micheala. Michelle. Hi, welcome to K-Chat.
Michelle: hello.
Amy: Hi, so michelle, you're a teacher?
Michelle: If you mean professor yes i have a doctorate, teachers are homely
women who make minimum wage to keep the teenage boys off the streets during the
day. I am very intelligent and I'd rather talk about that.  I'm trying to sell
my book
Amy: Ok, now it says here that you wanted to be a man so much, you dressed up
like one.
Michelle: Well that's a load of crap my dear. more massagenistic propaganda I
hate men, can't bear them, I think they're a complete waste of time and space
quite frankly and a disaster for the planet.
Amy: Me too, I just got dumped.
Michelle: Oh well it is unfortunate you measure yourself worth in relation to a
man my dear. look at you. you could be an attractive girl. if you did some
physical labour, cut your hair short, grew out your body hair and wore boots
for example. You mustn't get sucked into their hetropatirarcy.
Amy: But I like dating, having someone buy you dinner is great.
Michelle: Well we'll come back to you and your problems accepting who you
really are. Let's talk about me a bit more
Amy: Ok, so, tell me about your book. you hate men a lot. and you dressed up
like one, and now you've written a book about it. Right?
Michelle: more or less. as i said I'm very itelligent so i don't expect you to
understand my dear but I'll try to keep it simple. I've always been fascinated
with the world of men, revolted of course, but fascintated. Now, as an
acemdemic I can get paid to write a book about pretty much anything as long as
I give it a complicated title.  Are you with me gourgeous?
Amy: Ooh, I think so.
Michelle: Good, then hold my hand, it helps me think.
Amy: No!
Michelle: Ok, ok, sorry. don't be so weird. god, everywhere I go just like the
university, won't let me display my beutiful and sensual woodcuts in the
student comments. It makes me so angry! Where was I?
Amy: You were talking about yourself.
Michelle: Oh of course. The ego is a dangerous thing specially in my case, I'm
a jungeon, anyway, so what I did was dress up like a man and enter into the man
world. I can tell you it was more horrifiing then I imagined.
Amy: What did you do?
Michelle: Well, the first chapter, I was a roofer. These sexist spend all day
on a roof talking about us amy. I was expected to sit around and talk about
what I had done to women, of course I had to so not to blow my cover.
Amy: So what's the name of your book?
Michelle: Yes, as mentioned hitherto, my book has a very very obtuse title.
Being and Seeing, From Freud to the Building Sites, a Woman's Journey into the
Male Psychy.
Amy: Huh? What?
Michelle: I'll admit it's not very catchy. But Academia is not about getting to
the point. It's about exploration.
Amy: Ok, wow, I'm learning a lot today.
Michelle: So I entered the world of men, in disguise of course, I was dressed
like a man.
Amy: Ok, and you haven't changed back?
Michelle: What, what did you say?
Amy: You're still dressed like a man.
Michelle: No I'm not, these are my normal clothes. For gods sake Amy, don't
fall prey to the patriarichy's evil fashion schemes!
Amy: Oh, sorry.
Michelle: Anyway, I learned a lot when I was a man. Did you know for example
that during my time as a steelworker in Pittsburg, I learned that men sometimes
speak crudely about women when they are out of earshot. I was horrified. Or
that men regard some women, like you Amy, as mere sex toys. Things for their
amusemtn. Unbelieveable! Or that men actually find sports intersting! It's
appaling. And they run the world my pretty, oh yes, they run the world.
Amy: They do?
Michelle: Yeah. Look at Reagan, look at Thatcher, look at Gorbechef, when we
stay home and bake cookies, well screw that sweetheart.
Amy: Yes, I agree.
Michelle: Good, don't bake a cookie, smash him in the face with a baking tray
instead. he's a brainless dolt, he's a man. Did you know men enjoy looking at
pictures of naked women, it's called pornography, it's sick and foul. I'm
giving a talk about it this weekend at the women's centre. That's women with a
y.
Amy: Hah, I think you spelt it wrong.
Michelle: Are you a woman Amy? Three of the five letters that make up your
description are M. A. N. You're too dependant on men amy. that's why I don't
call myself a woman amy.
Amy: Um, ok.
Michelle: I bet this radio station is owned by a man, white male conservatives
monopolise the media selecting right wing blondes to proporgate conservatism.
Amy: I don't have blonde hair.
Michelle: Not yet Amy, not yet. Did you know men drink beer, smoke cigarettes
and wear hats?
Amy: Well, yeah.
Michelle: Heh well, you must have read my book. I've discovered a lot of
things. I was also a policeman and an untrained brainsurgeon. They're all the
same, all women haters.
Amy: Just because they like sports and hats, doesn't mean they hate women does
it?
Michelle: You self hating fool! Of course it does! The media, meaning you
falsely portrays feminists as bra burners, out dated combat boot wearing, bad
mothers. Why don;t you take your top off right now Amy huh? Tell them you won't
be censored any more!
Amy: No! I'm getting a little bit freaked out here, ah buh, hit the, buh
 _________________________
|                         |
| ap) AD29 - The Military |
|_________________________|

Speaker: Do you in (interputed) we'll teach you how to make beds, march in
squares, shine shooes, clean bathrooms, kill a man with your bare hands and do
it all with pride. The military teaches you all the skills you'll need later in
life. Call 1-880-BEAHERO. And become a real man today.
 ______________________
|                      |
| aq) Commercial Break |
|______________________|

Amy: Why are you waving you hands? Oh, I'm supposed to hit the other
commercial.
 _________________________________
|                                 |
| ar) AD30 - Yuppie and the Alien |
|_________________________________|

Speaker: This fall, a new hard-hitting police drama is coming to Friday night.
He was a well to do cop, transferred to a trouble precinct, downtown.  His new
partner is a space traveller, with a passion for justice. It's Yuppie and the
Alien!
Captain: Look! You may vaporize dissidents in Alpha Centauri, but in this
precinct, we do things by the book!
Yuppie: I'm so terribly sorry, captain.
Googan: Zagh! Googan sorry!
Speaker: Don't miss this one of a kind police drama. They're fighting crime the
hard way, in designer clothes, with a quarter of a million dollar sports car,
and a UFO.
Yuppie: Partner, let's go cruise in the car and look moody.
Speaker: One tough, downtown precinct, two outsiders, doing things their way,
Yuppie and the Alien, on VBC.
 ____________________________
|                            |
| as) AD31 - BJ's Used Autos |
|____________________________|

BJ: Hi, I'm BJ Smith, tied in for the Vice City Mambas and proud proprieter of
BJ's Used Autos. Cars from all over America come to find a new home on Florida,
just like you. I moved here after the draft, football not Vietnam, even though
they do have a lot in common, I notcied there was one thing missing from this
great town, a celebrity endorsed used car shop. That's why I founded BJ's Used
Autos. Everyone of these beauties has been freshly painted they look brand new.
We have new models coming in every morning, usually around 2 am, we can get you
anything, and if you see the car of your dreams, tell us, we can aquire it for
ya! I've taken the skills I've learned as a pro football player to the used car
business, smash grab and run like hell. BJ's Used Autos, I'm talking low prices
with hot cars.
 ___________________________________
|                                   |
| at) Michelle Carapardis - Callers |
|___________________________________|

Amy: If for some reason you'd like to speak to Michelle Crapper, just give her
a call on K-Chat, who's on the line?
Caller: Michelle, hi! Peace sister. I'm wearing trousers, I haven't shaved or
waxed in nine months. I left my broken hearted husband and baby behind.  Now
I'm living in a comune with a series life partners having quite simple amazing
experiences, I got my inspiration from a lecture you gave last year. Thankyou
so much. You taught me a lot.
Michelle: Yes good sweetheart, but ask yourself, are you doing enough? It
sounds to me like you're living a lie. Your life is still very man centric.
You're still justyfying yourself by the I am Not then the I Am principle. I
mean really, you might as well make his bed and clean his litter tray for gods
sake. It's half hearted fools like you that give feminism a bad name.
Caller: But, I, I even attacked by brother with the bread knife.
Michelle: You showpony! Promqueen, cheerleader, skirt wearer. You see Amy,
that's the thing about people, they're so halfhearted. Pick and Mix, not
prepared to carry out their threats. That woman, that lady, as I bet she likes
to be known, is really a self hater, a failure in a man's world. YOu knwo, why,
I bet she's never attacked a man with a vat of boiling oil.
Amy: But she said she tried to kill her brother.
Michelle: Don't argue with me! I write books!
Amy: Ok, next caller.
Caller: Michelle, I'm a huge fan.
Michelle: Are you?
Caller: Yes, you've really change my life. Before I heard you speak a couple of
times, I was getting into the feminist movemnet, but sort of in a silly way.
Michelle: Really?
Caller: Yeah, you know, burning my bra, beating up policeman, shooting my dad
and stuff. Just fooling around you know. I really didn't understand the
feelings I was having.
Michelle: Ah, I know the wearsome troubles of the halfhearted.
Caller: And then after listening to you, I realised what a load of crap it was.
Michelle: Excuse me.
Caller: What a load of crap it was. You can't hate men just because they're
different, you can't hate anyone just because they're different. You have to
work with them. Luckily I needed a moronically, pretentious, over educated
hairless old heriden like you to show me how stupid I was being. I mean, we're
all just people, and it's idiots like you who cause problems in this world in
the name of reclaiming some false ideals. And going on and on about gender
politics at rallys just so you can wear leather in public.
Michelle: Why you missargenist.
Caller: No, you're insane. You hate yourself because you're a failure, you're
an appaling academic and about as interlecutal as a hermeriod, goodbye.
Michelle: Well, uh, hum, well it's nice to see my work has stimulated such
healthy debate don't you think?
Amy: Uh, Michelle? She hated you.
Michelle: Yeah, nonsense, the poor dear was in bits. Not very used to the cut
and thrust of acedemia, I thought she expressed herself poorly and didn't know
what she was saying. Proberbly burnt her husband's cakes or something. It's
important for me to confront the differences and similarites myself and other
women. I am smart, strong, I seek liberation. Your society imposes on me.
Amy: God, this is all so confusing. Everything has two meanings.
Michelle: Exactly, apart from the word through which has five. You can choose
to be a victim Amy, after you read my book you'll realise that men are
irrelevant. Can a man have a baby? Do I need a man to have a baby? No. We don't
need men, we need more parts of town we can call our own, more parades, more
gatherings of understanding where women can beat each other with pillows and
practise judo.
Amy: That doesn't sound like fun at all.
Michelle: Oh shutup, I've had enough of you you little tart.
Amy: That makes two of us. Right, listeners don't go away. When you come back
we'll have a new guest and I promise they'll be more interesting then Michelle
Crapartist. Michelle, it's been a pleasure, I'm sure we've all found this veryy
illuminating. And why our beliefs were right in the first place. We'll be back
right after this.
 _________________________
|                         |
| au) AD32 - Giggle Cream |
|_________________________|

Backing: Gi,gi gi,gi Giggle Cream! Wa,wa wa,wa,wa,wa wa wa,wa wa,wa That's the
sound I love.
Man: Love the dairy goodness, prepared with toxic gas.
Woman: Make detol real low, suck it have a blast.
Man: You can buy it anywhere, cgrocery store or shop.
Woman: Make sure you're in a chair cus your heads gonna block.
Backing: Gi,gi gi,gi Giggle Cream! Wa,wa wa,wa,wa,wa wa wa,wa wa,wa That's the
sound I love.
Man: Giggle cream! It makes desert funny!
 _____________________
|                     |
| av) AD33 - Exploder |
|_____________________|

Speaker: He was a man of peace, living on a quiet farm in North Dakota. Till
one day all hell broke loose!
Soldier: Tim we need you!
Tim: I'm a man of peace, I'm done killing! I wanna raise a family!
Soldier: That's just it Tim! They got your family!
Tim: Noo!
Speaker: Jack Howitzer is Tim in Exploder! From the heart of America to the
jungles of Cambodia, follow one man's quest for peace.
Tim: Ho Chi Vet is that you!
Ho Chi: Tim I know you come! Just like old days we kill everybody!
Soldier: Tim they got your wife!
Tim: But I'm not married!
Soldier: You are now, to America!
Speaker: He went in to save his country, but found his family and lost a
friend.
Tim: Ho Chi!
Ho Chi: Tim don't leave me! You thought me baseball game and how to laugh!
Tim: Noo! He would have been a fine American. I'll cry when I'm done killing!
Speaker: Get your self a body bag, strap your self in, start making friends the
American way! Exploder: Evacuator Part 2! Rated PG, may include patriotic
garbage.


AGAIN, BIG THANKS TO DARK52


--Vice City Public Radio
   -Chat Station
   -Written By:              Dan Houser and Lazlow
    Produced By:             Lazlow

    Maurice Chavez:          Phillip Anthony Rodriguez
    Jonathan Freeloader:     Patrick Olsen
    Michelle Montanius:      Kelly Guest
    Rep. Alex Shrub:         Chris Lucas
    Callum Crayshaw:         Sean Modica
    John F. Hickory:         LJ Gansen
    Pastor Richards:         David Green
    Jan Brown:               Maureen Stillman
    Barry Stark:             Renaud Sebbane
    Jenny Louise Crab:       Mary Birdsong
    Konstantinos Smith:      Konstantinos.com
    Jeremy Robard:           Peter Silvestro

THANKS TO BOREDGAMER FOR THIS SCRIPT!!
=======================================================================
  -----------------------
/  SECTION 2: THE SCRIPT  \
---------------------------

Do note that there is no definite start to the program. It pretty much loops
with no definite end or beginning...

Also remember that Jonathan and Michelle are in every act, but only during
"breaks".

2A: PUBLIC SAFETY

Characters involved: Maurice Chavez, Axex Shrub, Callum Crayshaw, John
F. Hickory

[after a message from Michelle and Jonathan asking for funding]

Maurice: Thanks guys!  Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Pressing
Issues on VCPR.  That's Vice City Public Radio.  Radio which gives people
exactly what they want: High quality educational programming about serious
topics and the consistent reminder that this world is going to hell in a
handbasket if you don't give us money.
Remember, Vice City Public Radio is commercial free because it is funded
entirely by donations by our listeners... and corporate sponsors.  So, if
you're enjoying the show, why not make a contribution?  I am Maurice Chavez,
and this is Pressing Issues.  Pressing Issues is a roundtable discussion group
in which we as self-important people exactly what they think about things and
then they argue amongst themselves for a bit... Before leaving with views more
extreme than when they came in.  Only joking, ladies and gentlemen!  This is a
show founded on the ancient Greek principle of enlightened debate and the
American principle of free speech. Or is that the ancient Greek priniciple of
feeding wisemen hemlock and the American principle of being annoying (annoyed?)
and loud so no one can get a word in?  I forget.  Only time will tell.  Now,
the subject that we are discussing right now on Pressing Issues with me,
Maurice Chavez, for your enlightenment and enjoyment is a very serious one:
Public Safety.  In case you haven't noticed, Vice City is not a very safe
place.  These are troubled times.  We are a troubled people.  Some would say we
are a people at war with ourselves.  Other say we are at war with reality.
Those who live in other countries and strive to own our fast food restaurants
and Kwik-E-Marts would say we are a blood-thirsty bunch of crazies who let
children buy guns from the super markets.  Another opinion is that it is the
fault of society.  That, as Plato said, "People don't mean to kill each other."
It happens because they are poor or desperate or really thirsty or in need of a
vacation or something.  Another view is that we are all a little confused and
really should stay at home, locked in doors and forget about everything as
quickly as possible.  So, let's press the issue, eh?!  Sitting at your panel
right now, we have three divergent opinions.  Three separate items of insanity
in a rolling sea of stupidity. Three wise men following very different stars.
To my right, heh, to everyone's right in fact, we have congressman Alex Shrub;
the youngest state congressman to ever be elected by Vice City and now a
respected man in the capital.  Mr. Shrub got elected because he has great hair
and says things that make you nod your head.  His campaign appealed to the
wealthy because he set all of us at ease by confirming, "It's okay to be rich,
as long as you say you care about the children."  Mr. Shrub, welcome!

Alex: That's not entirely true, Maurice.  My campaign also appealed to the
poor... who were too stupid to understand what I'm saying, so I held up pretty
pictures and then I gave out candy bars to appeal to their most base instincts.
Thanks Maurice.  I'm glad to be given this opportunity to set the record
straight.

Maurice: I haven't given you any opportunity yet, my heartless friend.
Let me introduce my other guest first.

Alex: I hope this isn't going to get personal.  I love Vice City more than
anyone, and I can prove it.

Maurice: Yes, that's coming from the man who got elected by calling his
opponent a "buffalo butt" and a fat, hen-pecked wimp that couldn't fight his
way out of a wet, paper bag.  Anyway, our next guest is from the opposite end
of the political spectrum.  A man so wet, he looks like he just stepped out of
the shower.  Peace Corps activist, hippie concert taper, founder of the group
"Speaking for the Underdog".  He is fluent in seven languages and studied the
harp in Peru: Callum Crayshaw.

Callum: Hi Maurice!  Hola.  Buenos dias and noches.  Bonjour and
buongiorno.  Wilkommen. Hallo, hello, hi!

Maurice: Uhhehehe... Let's stick to English.  Most of us struggle enough with
that.  Welcome to Pressing Issues... And lastly, we have a man with a noble
solution to the problems of public safety in Vice City.  A solution so stupid,
I cannot bring myself to explain it for him.  Yet, like break dancing, it is
sadly catching on.  A man who appears on this fine show because our previous
know-it-all panelist was car-jacked and is now at home arming himself to the
teeth.  I give you John F. Hickory.

John: How y'all doing!?

Maurice: Indeed.  So, before we get started, gentlemen, let me remind you of
the rules of engagement.  Here on Pressing Issues, the number one rated show on
public radio in the Vice City are and hosted by me,
Maurice Chavez.  Pressing Issues is about free speech, not feeding each other
hemlock, literally or metaphorically.

John: My daddy used to grow that stuff in the back woods in Missouri.
HOOOWEEE!  I tell you what!

Maurice: Yes, thank you!  I expect you to listen to each other and I will only
step in when necessary only so people on the Earth don't forget what my voice
sounds like, heh heh heh heh. So, I want a clean fight.  Nothing below the belt
on in the chops.  And remember Maurice's moto, which a very wiseman, my father,
once told me, "If you listen, one day you might be heard and when in doubt, use
the smell test."  That's so important I think.  Don't you?  So, congressman,
let's start with you.  Crime is up, people are scared to walk the streets,
nobody is taking public transportation, police morale is at an all-time low,
everyone is killing and maiming and giving each other the finger,
metaphorically speaking.  Do you think the government is doing a good job?

Alex: Absolutely!  Those statistics are interesting, but like all statistics,
they are also irrelevant.  Let me give you a better statistic, Chavez.  In
1980, when I was elected and you were, according to the intelligence gathered
on you, a man with no mission.  You worked as a clown at birthday parties,
corporate functions, bar mitzvahs, and go-go bars.  You, realizing that you
were a hollow man that can only take on the personality of others, decided to
become an actor...  And despite going up for 17 auditions that year, you only
got work as a fluffer in a sex ed. video.  Your tax returns show that you earn
less than $2000.  Suffering from anxiety, you attended a group therapy for a
year and considered getting a sex change.  An idiot liberal felt sorry for you
and now you host your own radio show, write a newspaper column (that lines my
bird cage), you got an ex-wife and an attractive girlfriend although she's
married to your best friend, and you're on top of the world.  So answer me
this... Can you really say the years of living under my administration have
been bad for you?

Maurice: Eh, eh.  We are not talking about me.  This is Pressing Issues, not
Pressing Maurice.

Callum: Yes, excuse me if I may.  Can we get to the part where we press the
issue?

Alex: You see, that's what's wrong with this city.  Liberals just want to open
the floodgates, let anyone in, and make you, the ordinary hard-working men and
women pay for the pleasure.  Well, you have my permission to beat them with
sticks.  We won't prosecute.  You'd be doing us all a favor!  Free love, wig
out, don't work, make love in the field, and listen to rock-n-roll or whatever
you call it.  Meanwhile, Crayshaw, I know your father.  He's made a lot of
money which makes him a great person, but for every good conservative they end
up having some wacko, commie kid just back from a vacation in the orient who
wants to share.  Go take that sharing business to Cuba or Canada or somewhere.
I don't have a trust fund or a rich daddy.  I know what it is to be poor and to
look at the world from the other side.  I slept my way to the top.

John: Ehem, if you two would stop, uh, hootin' and carryin' on, I have a plan
that will save Florida from the yellow-bellied snakes that want to slither into
this great state from all places north.

Alex: Oh, look.  Stump-jumpin' Jethro is using all three of his brain cells to
talk!

Maurice: Enough!  We've just started and you have proved yourself, Mr. Shrub,
to be just as they said.  I grant you, 1980 was not a high point in my career,
but I never applied for a sex change.  I was merely in an exploratory phase and
besides which, Sal the Wheat-free clown was a funny act!  Once voted the best
upincoming dietary restrictive comic act in the whole of Vice City.  I tried to
take it to the Catskills, but Mount Scarylarge was full.  Besides, we are not
talking about me.  We are talking about you.

Alex: Actually, if I remember correctly, you didn't win.  Mary the Meat-Free
Mime won.  In fact, under legislation I am proposing, all of you vegetarians
will be kicked out of Vice City.  We were given canines and bicuspids for a
reason... To open packages of potato chips.

Maurice: Hey! Don't get wrong!  I always hated that bitch!  What's funny about
a woman not eating a hamburger, or miming saving a chicken from the
slaughterer's hands?  ...Or her big act: "I Am a Milk Cow: A Lactating Machine
For Your Breakfast Cereal"?  How do you think a little kiddie enjoyed that on
his birthday?  Not very much.  There were tears, not laughter, I can assure
you.  Vegetarian performance art must be stopped!

John: Jumpin' Jehoshaphat on a pogo stick!  You city slickers got more issues
than a newsstand!  Can we talk about public safety here?  I ain't got all day!

Maurice: What?  Is there a corn-on-the-cob eating contest you have to get to?
You have some chicklings and grits in the oven?  You got a date with your
sister, eh?

John: Hey, be nice man!  I just want to talk a little politics and you made it
all personal.

Maurice: Right, let's all stop bickering, especially you Shrub.  I've got my
eye on you.  Public confidence is at an all-time low.  Nobody feels safe
anymore.  Just the other night, I saw a man running amuck with a gun shouting
he needed to defend himself.  Gun sales are up, book sales are down.  What do
you think, John F. Hickory.  Please, press the issue!

John: All right, that's better!  Sticking to the matter at hand... Well, it's
quite simple mister.  Immigration is to blame.  People are flooding into our
state from all over America.  Trash!  It's quite simple.  They're bringing
their high-polluting, unity, out-of-state ways and corrupting the place.  Ruin
it!  That's why I and my organization propose we take Florida out of the Union.
We start anew as our own country and ban people from Missouri or Kentucky or
Philadelphia or any of them fancy places from settin' foot on our soil!

Alex: You think what? Heh, have you been snortin' blocks?  Have you read the
Constitution?

John: Yeah, I sure have.  It talks about freedom.  Freedom for Florida from the
stench of people movin' here to retire or going on vacation.  Build your own
damn theme park in your own damn state!  Florida theme parks is for Florida
people only!  That's what I say.  I mean, I don't go to Alabama to visit a
theme park, so why do they come here?

Maurice: Mr. Hickory, your views are a little extreme.  Plus, I don't believe
there are theme parks in Alabama.

John: Then they should stop commin' down my way and build Redneck Land or
whatever.  Damn redneck hicks ain't got no class!  My views ain't extreme,
mister, they're common sense, and what a lot of people would say if they had
the guts.  If you let people immigrate here from all over the so-called "United
States", guess what?  There's no more room!  We'll be piled on top of each
other like they are in Australia.  What we're going to do soon is build a
river... A river of freedom. A river of hope.  A river which runs from coast to
coast that cuts us off from the 47 states of wastrels and bad influcences to
the north.  We are going to cut Florida off from the mainland of our oppressors
and float out to sea.  Then, the nation of Florida will be free to start over.
There're be no long-ass lines at the Long Flume or Pirate Ship ride when I take
over!  You and the kids will be able to ride the rides all day! We will have a
rollercoaster for each and every Florida family!

Maurice: You know, you're bordering on treason.  What you are saying is a very
naughty thing, and only because here on Pressing Issues do we believe so whole-
heartedly in "free speech" are we allowing it.

John: It's the truth, my friend, the damn truth, and before you start I am not
a racist.  I hate everybody irrelevant of other issues, but I especially hate
Yankees!  By which I mean anyone from Georgia or further north.  Build your own
theme parks, buy your own sun, grow your own damn mosquito-infested swamp, pal!
We're going to build ourselves a river!  FBI, CIA I don't give a damn! They
can't stop us.  You, Shrub! You yellow-bellied, tie-wearing, bribe-takin'
hypocrit!  What have you done for Vice City up there in Washington?

Alex: I've ensured important tax breaks for gun retailers, real estate
developers, and I've cut the cost of policing, saving the city 2%, or 25 cents
per household, over a six year period.

Callum: At the expense of society.  Think of the little people.  Poor people
have no voice in this city.  Every time I find a park to meditate in, someone
brings in a bulldozer and builds condos.  The madness must stop.

Alex: So you suggest we just stop making babies?  People need a place to park
their boat and trailer and to put their swimming pool.  You're beginning to
sound red, and by that I mean you prefer a hammer and sickle over a hamburger.

Callum: I'm not little.  I'm 5'5".  It's time for corporations and all of
capitalism to step aside for naturalism.  You're not saving this planet, you're
spending it.  Your credit is no good here.  We can't afford to loan you anymore
of our nature.  Those are our trees.  I only wish I could be around a little
longer to enjoy it.  I feel so old.  Someone must take my legacy.  I must train
a little me!

Maurice: How old are you?

Callum: I'm 23, but I feel much older, and wiser.  I know everything.
I've seen a lot of the world.

Alex: What does the rest of the world have to tell us about how to do things?
Build more trains?  Have people elect their leader rather than an elite
electoral college?  Ride a bike to work like a girl scout or a clown with
dietary concerns?  No thanks, Vladmire.

John: I agree with that.  People from other countries are good for nothing,
that's why we have to keep teachin' them a lesson.  I tell you what makes a
real man.  A truck to pull stuff and a couch to think on.

Callum: I'll tell you.  Speaking as a sensualist, and by this I mean a very
narrow-minded, incentered (?) man of peace... Travel.  I recently went to
Europe.  I think everyone should see it for a week.  You really see what's
wrong with this country when you visit a European utopia. Things like a
journey, public transportation, health care, leather shorts, mustaches.  When I
went to Belize, I helped some villagers clear some land for an environmentally-
friendly coal mine.  We've all got to make some sacrifices if we're going to
get anywhere.  My dad gave me the money to set up an exciting trust there.

Maurice: But how does that help the people in Vice City from worrying about
whether they are going to get robbed?  What drives a man to just take?

Callum: What we need are more after-school sports like choir or drama, so
people can learn to express themselves properly, by singing or pretending to be
a tree.  Have you ever heard a whale sing?  It's a lonely form of beauty and
some very ancient wisdom.  Helping people to help themselves with drama and
choir and flowers and my dad's money.

Alex: Listen Trust Fund Tommy, your ideas are pathetic.  It's no wonder that
mankind has woken up one day to find me in charge, amigo.

Maurice: Mr. Shrub, you got elected on a campaign promising to reduce taxes to
zero... But under your stewardship, we've seen taxes go up by
20% and services decline!

Alex: No one is interested in your statistics, Chavez.  Let me tell you
something pal, I'm better than that.  I will not- I shall not, I cannot stoop
to your level.  They assured me that this was a show that understood politics,
where we can debate mano-a-mano, and I find myself having statistics hurled at
me like so much stale confetti.  We cannot boil people down to numbers!  You
have no idea, my friend, what it takes to serve, the sacrifices I've made to
help my country, to help Vice City.  The complexity of government, the... the
hideousness of my wife and... the way her thighs grow like our national debt.
Oh oh, sure... Some people like that, but not me! It's a nightmare, my friend,
and and and... it's thrown back at me by an ingrate like you.  I can scarcely
get up in the morning.

Maurice: ...And with that outrageous revelation, let's take a quick break to
tell you something very informative.  You're listening to
Pressing Issues on Vice City Public Radio.  Over to you, Jonathan.

[cuts to Jonathan and Michelle]

Jonathan: Hello, and welcome back.  I'm Jonathan Freeloader and you're
listening to VCPR.  This portion of Pressing Issues is brought to you by Ammu-
Nation, a proud supporter of public radio and our community.  We hope you're
enjoying Pressing Issues and the way it challenges your view of society.
Unfortunately, public radio in Vice City is under pressure.  That's because
we're better than everyone!  You can't hear this kind of hard-hitting, long
drawn-out programing anywhere else... But, you have to give money.

Michelle: That's right, Jonathan.  Money is important.  It can be exchanged for
goods and services, like getting a hip replacement or funding a starving child
in Australia.

Jonathan: I feel all covered with flies right now!  Call us.  Pledge your
money.  Give 10% of your income.  That's all we ask, and for that you know
everyone can be educated on the important things we discuss on
VCPR!

Michelle: 10% is a really small amount.  I remember when I was volunteering in
Central America, to make myself appear less shallow, the native peoples would
give you 10% of their land for a pair of mirrored sunglasses, and they would
run around me saying, "Chicle!  Chicle!", which is Espanol for "pretty woman".
It was very spiritual, like waves!

Jonathan: Absolutely!  But remember... This radio station could disappear.  The
voice of unprofitable radio could be silenced.  One day you wake up, roll over,
and she's gone!  You go into the kitchen, there's a note sprawled, a sound of a
taxi leaving in the distance, a thunderstorm rolls in... It's a metaphor for my
haircut, or this pledge drive.

Michelle: Yes, the pledge drive.  Become a member.  Only members, or people
with radios, can listen to this radio station.  Now, back to
Pressing Issues.

Jonathan: Shouldn't we give out the phone number?

Michelle: Like I tell the children at the library I volunteer at: "Look it up
yourself", "No, you can't go to the bathroom", and "Stop crying!"

Jonathan: That's good advice.  Now, back to Pressing Issues.

[cuts back to Pressing Issues]

Maurice: Welcome back to Pressing Issues with me, Maurice Chavez. On our panel,
we've got the successionist lunatic, John F. Hickory; Liberal rich kid, Callum
Crayshaw; and Neo Fascist congressman, Alex Shrub.  Gentleman, welcome back.
Let's start with you, Mr. Hickory.  Why the F?

John: For "Florida"!  I'm a patriot!  I've even got an orange grove tattooed
all over my groin!

Maurice: Excellent, but back to the matter at hand: Public safety.  How do we
get guns under control in this city?

Callum: By giving everyone hope... A dream of a better tomorrow. By encouraging
people to grow their own root vegetables.  What's the satisfaction of holding a
gun in your hand when you could be holding a hoe, planting seeds in a peasant
village?

Alex: Keep your "hoes" and "seeds" to yourself.  We don't need gun control.  If
you read the Constitution, it's a sacred document that should not be changed.
Under our constitution women couldn't vote, but the liberals come in crying
crocodile tears.  We need to get scare mongers and non-believers, men like you
Chavez, under control.  I've got a good mind to get your funding removed.

Maurice: We don't get any funding.

Alex: Exactly.  But... Good!  Heh, you won't see a penny out of me!
You've got to stop spreading these lies or I'll whip you myself and I'm not
afraid.  The Constitution inserts a man's right to bear arms, and... and arm
bears, and all points in between.  Who ever heard of a gun... or a bear causing
problems?  This is all cockypop, or... whatever that word is.  It keeps the
place safe.  Trouble is caused by unemployment, and unemployment comes from
poor, economic performance and lazy people.  If you had job, would you steal a
car?  Of course not!  ...And if you had a high-rise condo, a mistress, uh...
and a seat on the board, would you run around graffitiing your name all over
town and making a nuisance of yourself, spinning on your back, and poppin' and
lockin' and... Not a hope.  It's simple.  If you don't have a job, starve.  Get
out of my constituency by force if necessary, and starve.

Maurice: That's quite simple.  Are you really saying that?

Alex: Of course I am.  Vice City is a growing city, and of course there are
going to be some growing pains.  Well, what I tell people is this: Gather up
your life savings, buy yourself a piece of swamp, drain it, and get rid of the
damn wildlife, then apply for planning permission.  Pretty soon, you can have
your own retirement community or resort destination holiday place.  You can
start making money out of the boom, the... Shrub-inspired boom... And enjoy the
kind of things sensible people have: Personal bodyguards, massive fences, and a
bigger collection of guns than the other guy.  It stands the reason.

John: No no no no!  Keep them out of here! We DO NOT want anymore old folks!
If there are any old people listening, go back to your homes!  Florida does not
want you!  Please, die somewhere else!  What's wrong with Nevada or Kansas?  We
want a river!  We need a river!  The freedom river.

Maurice: ...And what about the other crimes?  It seems car crime, fashion
crime, drugs, everything is on the rise.

Callum:  Absolutely, of course it is!  When I was in Uganda people were poor,
but they were happy.  The more you have, the less you have.  That's kind of
what I'm all about.  Their satisfaction in spendning all day weaving a basket,
rather than just buying one at the store.  At one point in Uganda, I saw a
great lake of sand and a massive speaking dog.  It was a dog of love, not of
hate.  It was a spirit journey.

Maurice: What ARE you talking about?!?!

Callum: I'm talking about hopes... Dreams... The magic of television.
Especially public television.  Puppets can say what men cannot.

Maurice: Yes, but how will that stop people taking baseball bats and pounding
the living crap out of each other as I saw at a mother's PTA group meeting
recently?

Alex: Baseball is our national sport- Our national pastime.  Joining together
as men to reward the act of running around in a circle.  I will thank you not
to take its name in vain, Chavez.

John: I hate that Spring Training.  Who do those guys think they are?  Comin'
here and gettin' in the way... Showin' us no respect!  Drinkin' our orange
juice and seducin' our womenfolk!  Train in your own home, mister!  Our
national game down here, my friend, is diggin'!  Diggin' a big ditch.  A ditch
of hope, which will flood into a river of freedom.  So far, we've dug 17 feet.
We're almost free... Almost!  When we are floatin' away in the Caribbean Sea,
free to run our way, singing, "Kumbaya!!" (don't remember how to spell it) in
the sun!  No school, no tax!  Free barbeque and pinball for everyone!
Sophisticated entertainment!

Maurice: Yes, but what about the little guy?  What about the guy who is
standing there saying, "I like being part of America.  I like it a lot!  I get
public radio!  I can hear Maurice Chavez!  I own a small, one bedroom home... A
business selling flowers to people stuck in traffic... Three or four radios,
all turned on to VCPR... A dog... 15 ice cubes... But I don't feel safe.  I'm
worried about gangs."

Alex: Gangs are a myth put out by the liberal elite to patronize and demean the
working man.  I mean, what kind of right-minded youth from a poor background is
going to spend his time stealing things and posing in silly clothes, when he
could be getting ahead with a minimum wage job and making his parent proud?
The dream of America is to live in a duplex and share a yard.  Why... Why would
anyone want to threaten that great future?  Answer me that and I'll show you a
green dog.

Callum: ...And, Speaking for the Underdog, the foundation I set up for my trust
fund... We believe gangs are a valid expression of a people's identity.  A
grouping... A community within a community.  Gangs are a way to be noticed in
the boxy suburbs.  You scream out, rather than urinate at the edge of your camp
like a proud native.  We spray paint our names on the walls at the mall to ward
off predators.

Maurice: ...And that's supposed to terrify people?

Callum: No, no!  We believe passionately in non-violent solutions to life's
problems.  Gangs have to learn to love... To be inclusionary. We'd award badges
to good gangs, and give bad gangs a silly hat to wear.  It would give people
something to feel a part of.  Kill with kindness, not a garden tool.

Maurice: Yes, but what about the guy getting beaten up on the street... or the
man having his motorcycle stolen?  What about him?

Callum: ...Or her!  Some of the best bikers are really women.  Anyone can join
our group.  This is about poor people getting together.

Maurice: ...But your father owns half of Florida.  How are you part of the
working class?

Callum: Like I said, possessions are not important at all.  I'll pick up a
hitchhiker in my convertible any day.  The other day, I picked up a young woman
and we discussed a non-violent solution to war.  We called it peace.

Alex: Your father is a great man.  He's done more for the arms trade in this
state than anyone else, myself included, and you shame him with this socialist
jiggery-pokery-hoot-nanny.  America needs hope, not songs or are supposed to
send food to the poor.  Songs will get you nowhere.  This country needs
something to aim for, like being rich and laughing at poor people... Or, being
in government and laughing at the electorate.

Maurice: Now, now Mr. Shrub.  Let's not make this personal.  I appreciate your
attempt to press the point, but we are here to press the issue!  Vice City is
in trouble, and I think we are not really providing any serious solution.  So
far, we've got successionism, rearing its ugly head for the first time in a
century and a half.  We've got "ignore it" and we've got "give everyone a
flower"!  You're all a little unrealistic, yes?

[all begin arguing incoherently]

Callum: Maurice!

Maurice: Not to say, "Over-opinionated and moronic," Mr. Crayshaw, how do we
stop people running amok in the city with machine guns and heavy artillery?

Callum: You got to give a man a chance.  Prisons are overflowing with wasted
potential.  Make the guilty men innocent once more.  Free them from themselves.

Maurice: How... How on Earth do you do that?

Callum: Well, um... [brief pause] You can let them off-

Maurice: Marvelous, great!  That's a sensible plan!

Callum: Then they wouldn't be guilty anymore!

Alex: We've been doing that for years, you idiot.  How do you think we keep
prison costs down?  It ain't by magic or cookin' the books (we say that for
"education"), but as in most things we in government are saving money so that
you don't have to.  When we spend less money on services, more goes to
administration salaries and expenses which helps make lives a lot less
difficult for everybody.  It's about sharing; sharing your taxes out amongst
the select few.  That's why I worked so hard at school, so I can reap the
rewards now.

Maurice: Mmm... I thought you worked hard at school because the other kids
laughed at you and called you a square.

Alex: Tha-That's a damn lie!  They called me wet fart.

Callum: They called me "The Bat" because my voice didn't break until I was 19.

Maurice: So, Mr. Shrub, I take it you don't believe in regulation.

Alex: I believe in giving people a chance.  Not tying them down with lots of
needless regulations.  The fact is business is run by moral people who won't do
anything illegal or try to get rich quickly.

Maurice: ...But since you got elected, Vice City has been characterized by a
government who cut aid to the poor, offered tax breaks to the rich, and paid
people to dump toxic waste near schools.

Alex: Yes, we've made a lot of progress!

Maurice: ...And up on Capital Hill, you were instrumental in pushing through a
bill allowing the manufacture and sale of "Giggle Cream", a dessert with
potential lethal consequences.

Alex: Uh... Not true!  Only 23 people have died and several of them probably
deserved it.

Maurice: So, with people being set such a bad example by big business, how are
they supposed to respect each other, to act safely in society, and how are they
policed by a demoralized and under-funded police force.

Alex: Well... I'm afraid that's apparently quite a difficult question, but my
solution is easy.  I'm going to talk for a long time about a subject not in
anyway related and pretty soon people will forget about it.  I'll remind people
that I have a great haircut, and under my stewardship Vice City has had, on
average, 15% better weather than before, while crime rates only go up if you
don't turn the graph upside down.  Turn it upside down, and they have halved-
HALVED under me, Alex Shrub.  Vote Shrub for president and you'll have a
friendly face in the White House.  A man you can trust.  A local man who likes
golf, and laughing, and photo opportunities at your store or place of business.
Just send me a letter.  I'll send you an automated, photocopied response.  We
call it "democracy" and that's where the money goes.

Maurice: Uh, just a minute-

Alex: Don't interrupt!  Let me finish.

Maurice: But you're not-

Alex: This man won't let me speak! You, shorty!  Shut up and let me speak!  I'm
taller than him, ladies and gentlemen, by at least three inches, which means
I'm a lot more respectable looking.  Everyone knows politicians lie and steal
and cheat, but at least with me in charge, you know I look good and I have a
very supercilious manner.  Besides which, I've been abroad and I prefer it here
because I'm a man of the people.  Vote Shrub!  You'll get richer and you won't
feel guilty about it!

Maurice: Enough! We're running out of time and you completely failed to answer
the question.

Alex: I'm a professional.  That's my job.

Maurice: [sighs] ...And Mr. Hickory, what about you?

John: Alright! These problems are typical of what happens with an open border
to the north.  The state is filling up with trash; People who can't tell the
difference between a swamp and a marsh.  Guys who don't the first thing about
the legality of marrying within the family.  That's why we need a river.
People, I'm telling you pick up your spades, go into your garden.  Start
diggin' as deep and as far as you can.  Pretty soon, the whole state will be
flooded in ruin, and then, they'll have to leave.  We must build a moat to the
north or they will come down and ruin this great state.

Maurice: ...And Mr. Hickory, were you born in Florida?

John: Tuhah!  What a stuipd question!  Of all the cheek!

Maurice: Were you?

John: Of course not!  No one's been born in Florida since 1877! BUT...!
I've been here five years, which is a very long time.

Maurice: Yes it is! A very long time.  Almost as long as this show.
Ladies and Gentlemen, you are listening to Pressing Issues with me, Maurice
Chavez.  Presiding over the least informed debate on the radio.
I this episode of pressing the issue, we had Alex Shrub, Callum Crayshaw, and
John "Florida" Hickory discussing safety.  I've guess you've all got to make up
your own minds.  Should we be as wet as fish, or a corrupt, money-grabbing
thief?  Gentlemen, I feel we really got somewhere, and that Vice City and
people everywhere know a lot more than they did before we began.  And now, over
to Jonathan and Melissa to talk to you about public radio in your area.

[cuts to Jonathan and Michelle]

Michelle: You're listening to VCRP, the radio station for disoriented and
unrealistic college professors who wear fuzzy sweaters and find everything
terribly interesting.  I'm Michelle Montanius.

Jonathan: ...And I'm Jonathan Freeloader!  Public radio is very important.  You
may have heard my recent hour-long story about my hike in the park.

Michelle: That was fascinating, and very important for everyone, even the
blind.  Play a selection, Jonathan.

[footsteps are heard]

Jonathan: I think this is the part where I came to the big tree.

Michelle: I almost felt like I was there.  You won't get this kind of
nauseating detail on commercial radio.  VCPR is 100% commercial free.
Absolutely nothing interrupts your enjoyment of our fine programing and ability
to tackle the important things like Jonathan's walk in the park, but we need
you.  Think of yourself as a member of this station, except you aren't allowed
in the doors.  That's an important metaphor for life.

Jonathan: Yes, how wonderful would it be to own an hour of this radio station!
We just got an enormous pledge from Farewell Ranch.  That's great!  Farewell
Ranch is a great place to take your loved one.  Just dial 866-9-BURYME.
Remember, VCPR is commerical and interest free.  Donate your money now! Let's
get back to Pressing Issues.

{Continued in the next segment}

2B: MORALITY

Forenote:
The names of Jeremy Robard's motivation programs seem to be drug references.
Think, Hold that thought, Complete: THC.  Learn, Start, Do: LSD.  Motivate,
Demonstrate, then Motivate Again: MDMA (Ecstasy).  When talking about
"Motivate", Jeremy says "You'll hug people and laugh like you've never laughed
before," a pretty good description of an Ecstasy trip.- countess mushroom

I never noticed any of that until now. That honestly makes the segment that
much funnier!  Thanks!

Characters involved: Maurice Chavez, Pastor Richards, Jan Brown, and
Barry Stark

Maurice: Thank you, guys!  So, we are back on Pressing Issues.  Just one of the
many fine shows you'll hear if you have the patience to listen to public radio.
Although, thanks to the many awards we have won, Pressing Issues has extended
play time and is the number 1 rated show in the Vice City area.  I'm your very
entertaining host, Maurice Chavez.  A man climbing the broadcasting ladder at a
rate of six knots.  Six years ago I was a clown, and now I'm a success!
Hahaha!  Think about it!  Imagine where I could be in ten years... I could
achieve anything.  Anyway, morality.  What is it?  Why do we need it?  Our
ancestors, shortly after discovering fire, built tools to beat each other over
the head and discovered how to make meat (me?) to celebrate with afterwards.
Then, Columbus came over, shut down the pilgrim discos... Why?  All very
confusing if you ask me, and you did, and I ask myself, "That is a perfect
subject for a region-wide discussion show." ...Which is very lucky because I
happen to host one.  To discuss the subject of morality we have firebrand
preacher, Pastor Richards, the head of the Pastor Richards Salvation Statue
Organization, a group, which plans to raise enough money to build a statue of
Pastor Richards himself.  We also have Jan Brown, leader of Moms Against
Popular Culture, or MAPC... Or is it MAPS... MAPKAY... Uh, I don't know.  We're
deep in acronym hell right now... Or is it purgatory?  And finally, we have
Barry Stark, author of the book "As Nature Intended."  He's the editor of Vice
City's "Naturist News" and is working feverishly, it says here, to bring more
nude activities to Vice City.  To protect the dignity of our other panelists,
we've placed Mr. Barry Stark behind a divider.

Barry: I'm naked back here!  It's my right as a person!

Maurice: Yes... Let's start with the obvious, yes... Is it moral to be
naked?

Barry: Yes!  You can't stop me!

Jan: Well, I am a mother, so I have to deal with this issue every day.
My adorable kids have learned that it's wrong to be naked.  When it's bath
time, they know to put on a bathing costume.  That's... That's also the reason
there are no mirrors in my house.  Nudity leads to bad, naughty things.

Barry: Maurice, if I may interrupt, I haven't worn clothes since 1982.
Clothes are seriously unnatural.  Didn't you guys learn anything from the '60s?
I had a revelation when I was in Halle in Germany.  I had always felt very
constricted.  Then it hit me like a slippery fish.
Clothes are plain wrong.  When you're born you're not wearing any clothes.
When you die... you're not wearing any clothes.

Maurice:  I'm going to have to interrput you there.  What if you die at work?
What if an enormous piece of machinery falls on you while you're working?

Barry: Clothes lead to immorality!  Nudity stops people from fighting.
Have you see an issue of National Geographic lately?  People around the world
are nude.  You don't want to shoot a machine gun or a howitzer or a
flamethrower if you're naked.  It could burn or scold in quite a personal
fashion, quite frankly.  Have you been to the zoo?  Animals are naked.  If
everyone were naked, there'd be no war.  Everyone's complaining about crime and
the theft of cars in the city.  No one's ever stolen my car.  No one's ever
pick-pocketed me.  They've never even tried.

Richards: That's because you're a degenerate loony.

Barry: If the police were naked, it would set a great example to everyone.  You
can direct traffic and eat donuts entirely in the buff.

Richards: Maurice, this kind of immoral behavior is exactly why I'm building
the Pastor Richards Salvation Statue.  Noah hand an ark, Texans had the Alamo,
and I am building a highly fortified structure in my image.  Simple.  This 50-
story statue will be able to deflect alpha, beta, and gamma radiation.  The day
is coming, and coming soon, when the Artificial Suns when rain down to punish
the degenerates of this city.  But you can save yourself.  The Pastor Richards
Salvation Statue will be a completely self-sufficient community.  We have
canned food rations, private living quarters, and enough supplies to survive
happily the predicted 40,000 years of nuclear winter.  In phase 2, and with
funding from NASA, we will equip this massive statue with rockets.  So when the
poopy hits the proverbial fan, we will load up the statue with all of the
people who saved themselves through generous donations, blast into space, and
colonize Saturn with a race of morally correct, affluent people ruled by me.

Barry: Hmm... Will there be naked people?

Richards: No, turd brain!  It's morally corrupt people like you we're shielding
ourselves from: Liberals, degenerates, the Welsh... They're the ones
responsible for the nightmare Vice City is today.  The crime in the streets,
the parties, the children born out of wedlock to a future of hopelessness.
Anyone who does not agree with me is mentally sick, and should be shot I'm
afraid to say.  We need to build a place to escape these transgressions.

Maurice: Phew... That's extreme stuff, Pastor, but we'll leave amateur eugenics
for a moment and ask our other panelists.  Jan, you're a mom, so you know
everything. What is your thought on all this, and do you think Pastor Richards
stole his ideas from a movie or a book?

Jan: Well, yes I am a mom.  My kids are very special.  So special they go to
special classes.  Now I teach my kids history to give them perspective.  Last
night I was telling them about how Magellan sailed around the Strait of
Magellan and met some friendly natives that gave him supplies.  Um, then he had
to kill all of them, and that's an important lesson about life.  If you look at
nature, you'll see many species that eat their children to protect them.  This
is especially true of hamsters.  It's about putting the family first.  That's
really important to me, and where a lot of my morality comes from... And if you
don't like it, find your own husband and stay away from mine, okay!?!?!

Maurice: Okay... But excuse me if I sound a little confused here, but I don't
think I understand.

Jan: Now, my morality comes from looking at history and biology and working out
what's best for my kids and screw anyone else.  That's what this country's all
about.  I mean-I mean, I saw the hippies... What a load of claptrap.  Wha-
What's your kid going to do at a school with a name like Moonbeam or Wave or
Horseradish or whatever they call 'em.  How can you take your kid to a little
league game when you live in a communal farm growing drugs?  It's awful!  And
that's what my life is about: Looking down on others.

Maurice: Yes, I think I can see that now.  Moving on.  Pastor Richards, in your
book you talk about putting yourself first and how people should not make
sacrifices or help those in need.  Do you want to elaborate?

Richards: Oh, that's right!  People need to learn how to take care of
themselves and not depend on others.  If you read chapter 45 of my book, I talk
about how being selfish is a virtue.  The best thing you can do for someone
that needs help is to tell them to help themselves.  That builds moral
character.  Morality, Maurice, there's not much left in this city.  Every time
a culture has taken on the doctrine of helping your fellow man, we get thrown
into the dark ages.  Look at Russia!  They keep trying to help each other out;
extend a hand to a neighbor.  And guess what?  Every ten years, someone's
invading, burning down their homes, and taken their toilet paper.  Napoleon,
Stalin, Attila the Hun... All of them.  After you read my book, you will
understand.  I may have been born in the sea, but I'm no dummy.

Barry: Ugh, are we going to talk about being naked?

Maurice: Yes, soon Barry!  Eh, keep your hair on and calm down, please my
friend.  Divorce rates are up, standardized test scores are down, and vampire
sittings at the mall... Can the family be safe?  ...Or to put it another way:
"If we're meant to be monogomous, why weren't we born already married?"  Jan,
over to you.

Jan: Well, since I'm a happily married mother, I know the family unit is the
basis of all society.  Now, even when my husband is working late, or away on an
extended business trip to Hawaii with his secretary, I understand just how
important the family unit is in life.  He's working hard I can get another
station wagon with even more wood on it.

Maurice: Go on.  Tell me more about... your family.

Jan: Um well, I like to compare it to nature.  After all, it is one planet,
even if we do just want to maime and kill each other.  Especially, me.  Now,
look at sharks and sandworms.  One of my hobbies, besides making babies and
criticizing people, is biology.  You learn so much from nature.  People these
days, they don't grow their own food.  They can barely get out of their
recliners and make it to the super market.  Let me tell you, there's nothing
super about that place.  Kids these days don't know how to preserve and can
their own food.  N-No wonder all they want to do is play video games or hang
out with their friends.  What is it, The Degeneratron?*  What a crock of shit!

*Do take note that this is not a misspelling.  Jan mispronounces
Degenetron.

Maurice: Heh-Hey hey!  Watch your language!  This is radio, we have regulations
about that sort of thing!

Jan: ...But you let a naked man on.

Maurice: Eh, he's behind a screen.  You can't see him; He's not that exciting.
Imagine a flabby guy with a ponytail and a nasty rash.  You'll get the picture.

Jan: Imagine one, I married one.  Anyway, what was I saying?

Maurice: Eh, you were discussing The Degenetron, which I understand is a games
machine, then you swore.

Jan: I'm sorry, it makes me so mad.  I mean, what I heard my son Patrick the
3rd...  I heard him using slang words in the house the other day.  Rad and cool
and stick it... I mean, I beat him to within an inch of his life, and he will
never make that mistake again.  American should be spoken properly!

Maurice: What?

Jan: No, don't interrupt me!  I've got children, you know, please!  This is
really important.  This is about the family.  Look, look.  Nobody knows how to
cook anymore.  Nobody knows how to kill anymore.  Nobody knows how to kill
dinner.  My daddy was a very wise man, before that tractor pull accident.  My
daddy taught me how to slaughter a pig.  That's very useful information.  Oh
sure, I was a little nervous at first, but he put me in a room with a fork and
a fat sow and told me he'd be back in an hour for some fat back and hog jowls.
As a mother, I'm proud to say I throttled the life out of that little piggie.
I did it for my family, and I'll do it again as a mother.  Daddy earns money
and goes away with his secretary and mommy provides dinner and keeps a brave
face on things, even though her heart is breaking.  Where are my pills?

Maurice: Barry... You look like you've got something to say.

Barry: I agree.  Statistics show that families that spend time together naked
are the best kind of families.  You see, social class distinctions disappear
when everyone is naked.  I can't tell if you're rich or poor, black or white.
It doesn't matter 'cause we're all naked.  Designer clothes?  Try designer
nudism!  My body was made by the best designer around... Mother Nature.  That's
why we're lobbying to build a naked casino in Vice City, so old people can
gamble naked and poor people can lose hope in the buff.

Richards: It is written chapter 23, verse 5 of my book, he that gambles his
money away is a fool.  But he that believes in me will go to spend eternity in
space with other affluent, well-to-do people.  It's that simple.  Do what I say
and you won't have to think for yourself.

Maurice: Oh, but I think it is Pastor.  We look around: Nudy clubs, discos,
drinkin... Do people want to be moral?  Can you legislate morality?  Can we
tell people how to live their lives?

Richards: Absolutely!  Yes, of course I can.  Just look at prohibition or the
cultural revolution in China.  We can learn a lot from history. Chairman Mao or
Stalin, they purged their land of degenerates or intellectuals, the scum of the
Earth in my book, and look at the great societies they built.  People want to
be told how to act.  Most people are idiots, and that's exactly who my
teachings appeal to.  This lawless, permissive society has no boundaries, and
without boundaries how do you know where the limits are?  You have to know
what's good and what's evil.  You need someone to tell you so.  Single moms
have obese kids, it's a fact.  While rich people have a lot of guilt
unnecessarily in my opinion.

Jan: I agree.  I don't think these people understand just how hard it is to
potty train.  You have to give a treat when precious makes a poopy.  My kids
are big boned, and they eat prunes every day, but that's what's wrong this
country.  All of this emphasis on being thin and healthy.  When my children are
hungry I give them a spear and send them off to the park to catch their own
food.  They're learning to be self-sufficient.  Yesterday, my youngest Jono,
killed the postman, but at least he was trying.  So I gave him a cuddle and
told him to hit daddy next time he comes home late smelling of cheap perfume.

Maurice: Okay... It's time to take a break before we hear about anymore
criminal acts against government employees.  You're listening to Pressing
Issues.  Morality is the subject at hand.  Let's explain exactly how free radio
without commercial breaks works.  We'll be right back.

[cuts to Jonathan and Michelle]

Jonathan: You're listening to VCPR.  Finally, a radio station for teachers and
librarians.  You've been enjoying Pressing Issues.  As is normal, you can't
listen to an hour's worth of programming on this station without us begging for
money.  It's the bi-daily begathon here on VCPR, where we hold your favorite
shows hostage until you pony up some cash.

Michelle: You know what's so great about VCPR?  It's like a shining torch of
cultural enlightenment for Vice City.  In these times of darkness when the
hordes are so uneducated, they can barely understand multi-slavic phrases like,
"Clean my shoes better, Narissa, or I'll report you to the IRS!" or dialectical
materialism.  Isn't it great to have a patronizing voice on the radio?

Jonathan: That's right, Michelle.  With the way things are going under Regan,
the unwashed huns from the Midwest could descend upon Vice City and enslave the
poets and postal workers and force us to watch network programming.

Michelle: That is a frightening thought, but like many things in life, you can
throw money at something and feel better about yourself.  VCPR is your public
radio station, but you have to open your wallets.

Jonathan: That's right.  If you pledge at the $1000 level, you'll get tickets
for "In the Future, There Will Be Robots" at the Vice City Art
Center.

Michelle: People who see that show say it's difficult to put into
English.  That must mean it's spectacular.

Jonathan: Yes, but if you don't give money to VCPR, we could be thrown back to
the stone age.  Liberals will be set on fire in the streets.  Give now.  Let's
return to Pressing Issues.  Over to you, Maurice, in the studio!  ...Useless,
talentless asshole.

Michelle: You're correct, he is an asshole!

[back to Pressing Issues]

Maurice: I love those guys!  Really professional and living proof that all the
talent isn't on commercial networks.  These people do it for love because they
have integrity, just like me!  We're back with Pressing Issues.  I'm Maurice
Chavez, winner of five public radio awards in the Vice City area, including
best voice.  On this show, we take complex issues and boil them down to simple
ones so you can understand.  On this segment of the show, we are discussing
morality.  Since the beginning of time, man has asked questions.  Why are we
here?  What time is it?  And is there a place around here a guy can get a
drink?  Early man, as seen in the Cave of Lascaux* in France, question the
morality of making the mammoth extinct.  I think we all know what happened
there.  Is it society's job to tell each other how to live?  Recently, Vice
City considered passing a public curfew that says nobody can be on the streets
after 8:30 PM.  Of course, the bill didn't get passed, but it made people
think.  If you don't vote, you get morons in charge.  Is that moral?  I'm not
sure.  Let's press the issue.

*Side note: Maurice mispronounces the name of Lascaux, which almost sounds like
he's saying "lost cause" (originally, it was on this FAQ as Lascoz).  Thanks to
countess mushroom for that!

Barry: Children should be at home with their parents naked.  A curfew makes
sense.  Do you know how much money I save not having to wear trendy clothes?
Read a history book.  At the creation of the universe, the Big Bang, everyone
was naked.  Even you!  Why do I have to stay behind this divider?  Maurice,
please!

Richards: Because nobody is interesting in seeing your... "business."  Because
we have standards of decency which you are offending.

Barry: [jumping] Look at me!  I'm jumping up and down!

Jan: Oh my goodness!  Get back behind the divider, please!  I'm married!

Barry: What's so wrong with me?  Why do you hate me?  Because I'm happy?  Jan,
give me a hug! I won't hurt you!  And by the sound of things, your husband is
doing the same right now with his secretary.

Jan: No!  We worked through it!  He was stressed!  It's hard keeping a family
together these days.

Barry: Everyone!  Take you clothes off and feel what it's like to be free of
bondage.  Everyone out there in Vice City take your clothes off!  If this is
the land of the free, let's start with our pants!  Feel the wind from the air
conditioning!  Uh!  A breeze is so liberating!

Maurice: Uh, thanks very much.  Now, if you could get back behind that divider
Barry, please, otherwise I'm going to have to ask you to leave.  Thank you.
Uh, no-now sit down... On Pressing Issues, we think it is very important to
respect one another.  To treat each other like we would like to be treated.

Barry: I want a hug!

Richards: If you don't like the United States, son, why don't you move to
Russia?  I don't understand people in America today.  They call this a Cold
War, but it's hotter as hell.  Mark my words!  Any day now, you're sitting in
school, passing notes, and talking about the prom when suddenly you look out
the window and there are Russian paratroopers dropping in to take over.  What
can you do?  Run into the woods with your friends?  Call yourselves The
Wolverines?  Put twigs in your hair and beat back the Russkies?  No... You
hightail it to Pastor Richards Salvation Statue and blast off into space!  But
there is a limited amount of space. That's why I suggest anyone who wants the
safety and security of your own bunker, give now.  Call 866-9SAVEME. We'll get
you on the payment plan and if you're paid in full on D-day, you and your
family will be safe!  If not, you may have to choose to save yourself and leave
the others behind.

Maurice: Hey hey hey hey!  Stop selling things on my show!  You're not a valued
sponsor who supports the art of public radio, buddy.

Jan: I, for one, welcome our new Russian masters.  We can learn so much from
other cultures.  Did you know in India the women protest by setting themselves
on fire?  I tell you, next time the kids are screaming for ice cream and pop, I
may just douse myself in kerosene.  I use that as a threat to my kids all the
time, so it's no wonder they're so screwed up.  That's one of the tough things
about being a mom; not ruining their life with guilt. Uh, as a matter of fact I
don't let my kids watch cartoons or slasher flicks.

Maurice: Really?

Jan: That Knife After Dark movie maybe number one in the box office, but my
kids certainly ain't going to see it.  If you don't raise your kids right, they
end up being like nude boy over there or working in radio.  I want them to get
proper jobs like being a doctor, not a patient.

Barry: That is offensive!  My mother understood I was special!  She made me
wear a bonnet as a child. And when I demanded to go to school naked, she was
fine with it!  After social service moved me she was still right to me.  I
still remember when she kissed me goodbye.

Maurice: But Barry, earlier you said you discovered Naturism, taking your
clothes off, whatever it is in Germany.

Barry: I know, but I lie a lot. Uh, I got a lot of personal issues.  Look at
me!  Please, Maurice!  I need a hug!

Richards: There's another example of immorality in this city; public showing of
affection.  People think we want to see them making out and carrying on.  I
understand your hormones rage like a wild animal and you want to ravage one
another like there's no tomorrow, but you have to ignore what your body is
telling you and work for a higher calling, like construction!  We're buildling
a statue and we need your help!  Call me now!

Jan: You know, pretty soon you won't be able to tell who's a human and who's an
android.  Why, the corporation is working on it right now.  I know, I read
about it.  I tell my kids not to kiss other kids at school, "It might be an
android... Suck your brains out."  You must have seen the mini-series event on
television.  I read it in a book.  We've got to stop looking at the stars- all
this science fiction- and focus on the family.  If you really want to dance
like you're on the moon, go there and leave us in peace! ...And that's a fact!

Maurice: Eh... Uh... What's a fact?

Jan: I'm sorry Maurice, but I have to tell you... I'm moved to Florida to bring
up the American way; in a theme park.  And that's just the kind of person I am:
opinionated and moronic.

Maurice: I see, well... This panel is certainly interesting.  The issue is
morality.  Recently, rock artists joined together to provide famine aide to
Alaska with the song, "Do They Know It's the Fourth of July?"  Critics complain
it's immoral to meddle in the affairs of other peoples and cultures.  Pastor
Richards-

Richards: What?

Maurice: What do you make of meddling in other people's business like an over-
opinionated sociopath?

Richards: Well, let me say that money could have gone to much better things
like reserving a place by my side in the Pastor Richards
Salvation Statue, but I digress and plug.

Maurice: Stop doing that!

Richards: Don't interrupt me, boy.  Anywho, I address the Alaska issue in
chapter 23 of my book.  You see, the Alaskans are lunatics, plain simple.  They
eat whale and snow and sleep in the freezer.  Who wants  to eat snow every day?
Oh, I tried to help.  I sent a helicopter with copies of my book but they
burned them in a pile for heat.  If the people of Alaska choose to live there,
let them, but don't come crying when you're tired of eating penguin and it
snows 18 feet a day!

Maurice: Yes, but don't you think it's important-

Richards: I think it's very important to listen to me, young man!
That's what makes the state of Florida great.  Rather than help improve where
they are, people nationwide abandon hometowns, come down here, and shove their
beliefs down everyone else's throats!  That's the American way, always has
been!  We should send some pictures of Flordia to those people in Alaska.  I
tell you, they'd throw down that bear pelt, saddle up the sled dogs, and get
pulled all the way to Vice City.  And I should know, I'm from Mars!

Maurice: No you're not!

Richards: Uh... Mars, Alabama.  I founded three colleges there.

Barry: The problem with Alaska is that people don't get naked.  If you can't
work on your car or play the cello or use sharp knives in your birthday suit,
then what's the point of living?

Maurice: Uh, well it is a bit cold there.  People put on clothes when it's
cold.  We evolved without a warm covering of hair.

Richards: That's a lie, son!  We come from the Great Meteor of Truth!

Barry: Clothes are a habit like shaving and taking out the trash!  As soon as
you stop you realize what a prisoner you were to society and a twisted state of
morality.  People think that nudists are immoral.  Well, we're not!  I'm
married... I love my wife... In our commune, it's so wonderful to wake up in a
big bed and go to breakfast clothed in nothing but a smile.

Richards: What kind of people are there in your weirdo commune?

Barry: Single people, families, elderly couples, teachers, politicians, and
especially truck drivers.  Truck drivers understand what it's like to be by
yourself for days on end, with nothing but country music on the radio and a
stick in your hand, shifting gears... Over, and over.
Truckers realize there's nothing to be ashamed of on the open road.  Get naked,
and beat it on down the line!  You've never seen a sense of community and
morality like a nudist colony.  We share everything: the cooking, cleaning,
wives... A shear sense of what it's like to be a social outcast.

Maurice: Uh, wait right there, Barry.  I'm getting something through the cas-
Headphones that is... Yes... Okay... We just want to tell you a little more
about public radio funding.  We'll be right back after this.

[cuts to Jonathan and Michelle]

Michelle: Hello!  I'm sure you're enjoying our high quality programming.  I'm
Michelle Montanius.  Jonathan, I think it's time to acknowledge the people who
are sending money in to shut us up and end this dreadful begathon.

Jonathan: Here's a $10 pledge from Fran in Little Havana.  Wow, you think she
could've given more than that.

Michelle: Yes.  Mean bitch!  I hope she dies an agonizing death!

Jonathan: Absolutely, Michelle! And remember, if you want us to wish you well,
dig deep and dig soon.

Michelle: That's right.  At any moment, conservatives could vote to end our
funding and place a fast food restaurant where our studios are.  See, there are
some people that think everything has to make money.  It doesn't!  That's why
you should give now.

Jonathan: Correct.  Next week is environmental week, sponsored by Maibatsu and
the Vice City Power Corporation.  And next month, we're celebrating Proust's
influence on Vice City, in association with The Degenetron.  But for now, let's
return to Pressing Issues.  Remember, VCPR is an advertising free zone, much
like the moon or Times Square.

[back to Pressing Issues]

Maurice: Welcome back!  The show is Pressing Issues!  The subject is morality.
I'm Maurice Chavez.  Now, let's carry on pressing the issue!
Now when the Europeans were done ruining their continent with bland food and
soccer riots and arrived in the Americas in the late 15th century, the subject
soon turned to morality.  You see, the Europeans wanted to colonize America so
they had somebody to make fun of.  The pilgrims left England for the religious
freedom in Holland where they visited coffeeshops and they packed up their
ships with plenty of coffee, tea, and cakes to liven up the trip, they set sail
to the new world... Which they heard had a magnificent rollercoaster!  Once
they got here, they were very hungry having been on ship for 65 days.  So, they
ate for three days straight.  Thanksgiving soon became an annual custom.
America was founded by people who wanted a place where they could tell other
people how to live, and I'm a history major.  But do we have the right?  The
question: Is it moral to celebrate Thanksgiving, a holiday that is clearly
about gluttony, annoying relatives, and awful casserole?

Richards: Well I, for one, love a casserole! And at my weekly meeting, my
congregation has a pot luck.  You see, a casserole is a lot like life Maurice,
and that's basis of my philosophy.  If you put a bunch of leftovers in a pan
and bake it, someone will probably eat it.  Like my book: You believe in your
favorite sports team, then they get massacred; You believe in gravity, then it
turns upside down on you; You love your favorite TV show, then the network ends
it with a lousy finale.  You can believe in me, and if you believe in
something, support it.  It's one thing to love in something, but if you don't
shower it with money, then just don't talk to me. Communism... Don't make me
puke my guts out, please!

Jan: Well, I myself love casseroles on Thanksgiving. And the way to teach your
children the rich history of America is through theme parks!  I just love
Pilgrim World, especially the part where you get the slaughter your own buffalo
and take home the meat, or give the locals the flu while buying their land off
them for a pittance.  That's what children need!

Maurice: Uh, what is?

Jan: Wholesome activities that benefit the family.  What good is it if a kid
plays Degeneratron for five hours?  Oh sure, he's killing space aliens, thank
you very much, but it ain't putting food on the table.  And, he's learning bad
language like [jibberish, can't tell what's he's
saying]*. When my family go out to dinner we're starting from scratch, even if
daddy is working late- again - We build our own spears, smear ourselves with
dung, and wait in the swamps for something to come by.

*I'm not sure exactly what she says here, but it sounds like she's trying to
make beeping noises a bit like old school gaming systems did back then.

[This just in]

"I'm not sure, but I think Jan Brown's odd babbling when giving an example of
'bad language' is a joke on her paranoia - she thinks baby-talk is obscene.
It's a weird joke, and the voice actress playing Jan doesn't make it very
clear."- countess mushroom

This sounds logical, although it may not be exactly right.  I will still keep
it up here as an interpretation.

Maurice: In the suburbs?  I bet your neighbors love you.  How long do you wait?
Don't you get arrested?

Jan: Hey, mister, I'm married!  Look at the finger; it has a ring!  I've got
children for Pete sake's, stop eyeing me up!

Maurice: I wasn't-

Jan: You were!  I can see you undressing me with your eyes.  Well, I tell you,
I was a cheerleader and nearly a prom queen, and I could have married anyone,
but I chose John - I CHOSE him because he had a kind face and a rich dad.  I
didn't know he was going to cheat on me or embarrass me.  I didn't know.  But I
won't be made a fool of.  I've got the children.

Maurice: Okay Jan.  It's okay.  Men are idiots.  Ask my ex-wife.  Heh heh heh
heh... Don't worry.  Stay calm.  I'm not eyeing you up, but I am a little
worried about you.  How are the children?  Do they enjoy school?

Jan: Of course they do.  That's precisely why I'm going to start home-schooling
my children.  High school is a cult.  There's a group of savages that rule the
roost, and get all the girls, and everyone else is picked on and abused.  It
happened to me and look at me: I'm a deranged mess and my husband cheats on me.
I don't want my kids to go to a public high school. Instead, we have a prom
each year in my living room.

Maurice: ...And that leads to my next question-

Barry: People in high school in Chile are all naked!

Maurice: I've about had it with you, Barry!  I tried to be fair...  I tried to
be kind, but you are a freak and a liar and wasting everybody's time.  The
organs below the belt are for reproduction and removing of bodily waste.
There's reason that when I go to buy a soda, or a transmission, I need to be
distracted by your privates dangling about.  Now when I go to the store to buy
an air conditioning filter, I'd rather not have to look at your money-maker,
amigo!  I'm glad you're proud of it, but when people of Vice City are in a
Kwik-E-Mart, they should be able to have a simple financial transaction without
seeing your firehose!  Are you with me?

Barry: Sorry, Maurice!

Maurice: That's okay.  Just try to behave.  I think the sun must have got to
you or something.

Barry: Yes, maybe that's it.

Richards: Maurice, if I may, you have a fine show here and... and I'm glad to
be on it, but everyone within the sound of my voice and smell will die in the
fires of doom.  It is written, "TV is trash, radio is trash, our newspapers are
run by Canadians with an agenda.  Our very way of life is threatened.  We
formed this great state to plague all, and I'll be damned if any weirdo hippies
are going to tell us we can't fill in wetlands and make a home for ourselves,
complete with 18 hole championship standard courses and selective admission.
Heathens will ruin the land, acid will rain from the skies, we'll never hear my
voice again- It will be anarchy!

Jan: TV teaches immorality!  Refugees, glue, the price of tea in China... How
can we raise children in this environment?  My little boy asked me the other
day, [childish voice] "Mommy, are unicorns real?" What am I supposed to say to
that?  Do I lie and make myself as bad as the boy's father, or do I break the
little boy's heart and ruin his life so that he ends up a nudist or a freak or
something.

Maurice:  It's a difficult question, Jan.  A very difficult question.
Is it right to lie?

Barry: Clothes are a lie, Maurice!

Maurice: No, Barry.  Clothes are a way of keeping warm and not getting
arrested.

Barry: No policeman has ever hit me with his truncheon-

Richards: I'd like to hit you back to Hell, you sicko!  You're filth!  Human
form of vermin!  A blight on a fine society of picket fences and garden
parties, and everyone coming three times a day to my statue to pay homage.

Maurice: Pastor Richards, as a human being, I have to say I find your
philosophy or cult or whatever it is utterly and completely appalling.

Richards: Why thank you!  I knew you'd understand.

Maurice: I mean, you seem to want to build a religion around yourself in some
1950's vision of America.  It's the 1980's, man!  And one man worship-me cults
are not allow, my friend!

Richards: Exactly!  As I say in the great book, "Many are called, but unless
you have a good credit rating, go screw yourself.  You'll burn in Hell."

Maurice: Aye, por favor, shut up!  Uh, Barry, what are you doing?

Barry: I'm lonely, Maurice!  Lonely and I need some bodily contact.

Maurice: Get behind!  Get back behind that pannel!

Barry: Don't be shy!  Please, we've all got one!  That means I'm happy!

Maurice: Hey, stay away from me!  I'm a celebrity!

Jan: Oh good lord!

Richards: Mind yourself, boy!  I warn you, I'm armed and I'm not afraid to use
it!

Barry: We've all got one!  Look how free I am! ...MMM!  The fan feels so good!
I feel you!

Maurice: Hey!  Hey, Pastor Richards, please!  Put that gun away!  Put it away!

Richards: No!  I am a sole judge/soldier** of the truth* and decency.
Get back, heathen!  Get back!

*Sounds more correct than "jepruth," but still doesn't sound fully right to me
for some reason.  I almost year a J in there at the beginning for some reason.

**This is another one I'm getting a lot of e-mails from.  All I can say is
honestly... Trust your own ears on this one and form whatever you think is
right.  Honestly, I thought "soldier" was correct, but anyway...

Barry: I love you all!

Richards: Evil-doer!  Die, devil, die!!! [gun fire]

Barry: AHHH! OWW!

Maurice: Dios mio!  You shot him! There-there-there's blood, and-and pubic hair
all over the studio!  Ladies and gentlemen, it is complete pandemonium here on
Pressing Issues with me, the multi-award winning and soon to be executed
Maurice Chavez.  Barry, are you okay?  Are you alive?

Barry: Stop the bleeding, it's down there!

Maurice: Do I have to?  Can't you get someone else?

Jan: [moans]

Maurice: Jan!  Aye, Dios mio, he's fainted!

Barry: No, hold it... Harder!  Oh, that's so good!  I need mouth to
mouth.  Maurice, please, I might die

Maurice: Uh... Okay... Excuse me, I'm only doing this to save your life.  I
don't want to.

Barry: Thanks... I'm getting cold.  Quickly, it's okay to use tongues.

Maurice: AHHH!  Get off of me!  I'm happily divorced!

Richards: Shall I send him to Hell, Maurice?

Maurice: Yes- I mean no... No, you psychotic lunatic!  Put that gun away, don't
point it at me!

Richards:  ...Or you'll what, son?  You think I'm scared of your conventional,
lilly-livered morality?  You think you can tell me what to do?  You think it's
wrong for me to have five concubines and spread my genes, or to use money from
the statue for building my own palace in
Hawaii?  You think that's wrong, do you son?  Do you?  Huh?  Huh?  Huh?

Maurice: No!  NO NO NO-HOHOHO Mr. Pastor!  It's alright!  I think it's very
right.  Very right, indeed.  You're the boss!  You're in charge!  You're the
king!

Richards: Damn right I am!  Now I'll tell you about morality.  Morality is what
I say is right, and immorality is what I say is wrong.  You got to understand
this!

Maurice: [clears throat] Oh, I do!

Barry: Ugh... I'm bleeding!  I need a proctologist!

Richards: Shut it!  Now, next question.  Ask me anything!  Ask me anything you
want!

Maurice: Yeah... Well, I'd love to, but it seems that that is about all we have
time for, actually.  The thing is, you see, this is public radio and every once
in a while we need to appeal for money, or cut away when people start
brandishing guns, like this.  You're on Pressing Issues and in this show we
discussed morality.  I think we made a lot of progress and really came
together.  I am Maurice Chavez.  Bye, uh... Please, don't kill me!

[cuts to Jonathan and Michelle]

Jonathan: I hope you were enjoying Pressing Issues.  I certainly was.

Michelle: Yes, it's almost as interesting as listening to you, Jonathan!

Jonathan: Wow... Thanks Michelle!  It is, isn't it?  Before we let you get back
to the show, I thought you'd like to know VCPR has managed to raise $30 this
hour, which should keep us on the air for another 15 minutes at least.

Michelle: Thankfully, due to the generosity of the people at Dileo and Furax,
the fascinating show, Legal Review, will still run.  But, now, back to Pressing
Issues.

Jonathan: Actually before we let you get back to the show, I'd like to say
something.  I know that public radio may not seem very important in an era of
poverty and famine and immense personal greed, but I can assure you it is.  And
not just because I say so, look at the facts!  15 of the last 37 American
presidents and 47 vice-presidents have appeared on VCPR in the last month.  33%
of all Nobel prize winners started out in public radio.  Without public radio,
we would never have discovered gravity... or the pizza... or the fact that a
lot of people love to hear themselves rattle.  Anyway, sermon over.  I hope you
folks at home understand how passionate we are about public radio and it has
nothing to do with the fact that I got kicked off the networks.

Michelle: That was very moving, Jonathan.  Back to Pressing Issues.  Where is
the creep?  Put him on!

[goes back to Pressing Issues]


2C: PERCEPTION AND POSITIVE THINKING

Characters involved: Maurice Chavez, Jenny Louise Crab, Konstantinos
Smith, and Jeremy Robard

This section was sent in by Darkpowrjd, who started another guide that wasn't
accepted.  It has not been changed from its original format, save for any
corrections that I made.

MAURICE: Hello. As you may know, you're on VCPR, and this is Maurice Chavez.
That is, I am Maurice Chavez. That's Chavez. Not Chaves, or Chaviez. This isn't
a game show. Sorry about the upbeat opening. This isn't a game show. This is a
political and social debate on free radio, without adverbs. And I am still
Maurice Chavez. Hi. Next up on Pressing Issues, we tackle one of the most
important issues in our country today. The issue of perception. Not credit card
fraud. That's deception. But we're talking about perception. How we percieve
the world. These are optimistic times we're living in. A time of go-getters and
doers. Our hero is the entrepinuer. The shaker and the maker. Positive
thinking, we are told, is everything. Think it, and we can do it. Or can we?
Let's press the issue. Now personally, somedays, I wake up, and I look out the
window, and I think that it's great to be alive. Other days, like payday or my
ex-wife's birthday, I want to hide under the pillows and cry. But that's me. A
man of contradictions, as my therapist said. He was a Jungian*, but whatever.
I'm Maurice Chavez, and on our panel right now, we've got three very
contrasting views about the issue of positive thinking. On my right, we have
gothic artist, vampire hunter, and, in his words, man of the night,
Konstantinos Smith. Konstantinos, hello.

*Not that it needs to be noted, but I figured I should anyway for those who
don't know what a "Jungian" [pronounced YOONG-EE-EN] is (as it's not a very
common word).  A Jungian is a type of psychologist or psychotherapist who
mainly bases his/her methods on the theories of psychologist Carl Gustav Jung.

SMITH: Greetings, mortal. I hope this is good. I'm missing a séance to be here.

MAURICE: You don't sound excited to be here.

SMITH: No, man. I'm mind-numbingly depressed. It's great.

MAURICE: O-Kay! I'm going to have to interrupt you there. And, on the left, I
have positive thinker extraordinaire. A man who dragged himself up from the
gutter. Jeremy Robard.

JEREMY: Hey, the ghetto, not the gutter. I didn't live in the gutter. I lived
in the ghetto. I'm a survivor, not vermin. I'm from the streets.

MAURICE: O-kay!

JEREMY: Hey, I can teach you how to be a survivor, too. All of you. I can help
everyone. I've got what they call a gift for communications. I can help you all
realize that gift, make something of yourselves, realize your dreams. I'm like
a high school councelor. I'll show you your potential. It's easy. All you have
to do is follow my simple program on audiocassette or VHS.

MAURICE: O-okay okay, not right now. This isn't a commercial, and if you're not
going to underwrite the station, I can't let you read this blatant plugs.
People pay for that.

JEREMY: Hey, everything in life is an opportunity. When I was in jail, I got
the idea for my current business. And look at me now. I got offices in Vice
City, Bogata, Lebanese, and Jamaica. If I can do it, I can help you make
something of yourself. You can be just like me, a success.

MAURICE: H-hey, enough, enough, no more. Not a word from you until you are
called upon again.

JEREMY: It's a three-stage process. Learn, start, doing.

MAURICE: Eh, SHUT UP! I'm warning you, this my show. You shut your mouth. Shut
it now and keep it shut. Do not push me, you shiny-suited prick. Do not push
me!

JEREMY: Hey, you have to dress to impress. I cover that in my program. People
make judgments on who you are, based on your apperance. Scienitists say we form
98 percent of our opinions on a person in the first day or second that we meet
them. Hey, and if scientists say it, it must be true. I teach you how to live
that.

MAURICE: ENOUGH! This is Pressing Issues. Enough now, okay? Enough. Please, no
more. Okay, my last panelist is someone without a plan to sell. Without a
program, but with a beautiful message, so it says here. Vice City's civilian of
the year for 1985, Jenny Louise Crab.

JENNY: Hi, Maurice. This is such a lovely studio.

MAURICE: Thanks. How are you doing?

JENNY: Great! GREAT! HEHE!! In fact, I'm fantastic. Did you see the sunrise
this morning? It was gorgeous. I've been smiling all day ever since, ehehehe!

MAURICE: O-kay. Now let's get with the policy of ladies first, and since you
seem to be the more pleasant person here, Jenny, let's start with you. You seem
like a very happy person.

JENNY: Oh, I am, EHEHEHEHE!!! HEHE!!

MAURICE: Really? Why?

JENNY: Well, life's great, isn't it? HEHEHE!! I mean, good things come my way
because I hold each one close, because I deserve it.

SMITH: I bet you wouldn't be so cheery if you had the black plaque. Jenny's
living in a fictional world. Goths like me, we see the world for what it is.
Dark songs of the night, black nail polish, and very tight black jeans, man.

JENNY: Like, everything is great, well, like, like, well, like everything!

MAURICE: Konstantinos, you're shaking your head.

SMITH: I know, Maurice, I am.

MAURICE: Any particular reason?

SMITH: Yeah.

MAURICE: What, then?

SMITH: There's only one thing good about life.

MAURICE: Uh huh, and what that?

SMITH: DEATH!!

MAURICE: Death?

SMITH: Yeah, and dying. That's good, too. And black. And the moon. At least
when you're dead, you can go around as an astrobody, and visit places like New
Orleans. I love New Orleans. It really hot and depressing.

JENNY: Oh, death is good.

MAURICE: IS IT?!!

JENNY: YEAH!!

MAURICE: What, i-i-if you're going to inheret alot of money?

JENNY: Yeah, no, I mean, yes. But also if you can be positive and upbeat about
things. I mean, like my parents were brutally murdered a few years ago, yeah,
and I was really bothered, but I kept smiling, and I got a lot out of it. I'm a
much better person today having dealt with that. They were killed so I could
have a great personal experience, and I see that now.

SMITH: Lucky bastards! I wish someone would kill me. Then I could hang out in
the graveyard all the time instead of just on weekends.

JENNY: I know I'm really lucky to have the opportunity to learn about life. You
can't control everything in life, so start the day with a smile, and you'll END
the day with one.

MAURICE: What do you start a day with, Konstantinos?

SMITH: Usually with a pint of blood at dusk, then I light some candles and cry.

JENNY: HEHEHE!! HEHE!!

MAURICE: O-kay, moving on, before we are all sick.

SMITH: No, Maurice, I DO, because I won't be constrained by you. Life is cheap,
man, and then you die. If you prepare for the afterlife now, you will be able
to summon spirits. That's the truth of the pentagram, man.

MAURICE: Ahem! How profound. You obviously have a lot of important things to
tell the world.

SMITH: The world is a lie, man. Only darkness is truth. I am very much like
Vlad Dracu, born in Sexora, 1441.

JENNY: HEHEHE, you're scaring me. I wish you would smile and be happy.

MAURICE: O-kay, right, this isn't going that well. Hey, look, --.

JEREMY: [intrrupting Maurice] Hey, can I say something?

MAURICE: NO! I'm still pissed off with you, you shoulder-pad wearing scheister!

JEREMY: Hey hey hey. Back down, buster, before I bust your balls. No
confrontation. As the say in the movies, I'm a man of peace. I'm done killing.
Work with me.

MAURICE: What do you want? A broken nose? Some spit in your eye? You're pushing
me, man. I'm Maurice Chavez.

JEREMY: I know who you are. You used to be a clown. I saw you at a bar mitzvah
once. You had a great act. What, did you get tired of kids kicking you in the
shin? Still, you were a first-class talent.

MAURICE: I was?

JEREMY: Yes, yes, great. But you lacked something.

MAURICE: I did?

JEREMY: Yeah. Confidence, friend. Confidence. You were all shot up with nerves.

SMITH: I'd like to be all shot up with embalming fluid.

MAURICE: That can be arranged. We're talking about me, not mister Konstantinos
Smith.

JEREMY: Yes, confidence. It's where it all begins. Positive thinking. What are
we talking about today, Maurice?

MAURICE: I forget. Morality, oh no. Violence, oh, no. That Barry guy without
any clothes. Yes, you're right. Positive thinking.

JEREMY: Exactly, friend. We're talking about you, Maurice Chavez. You couldn't
cut it as a clown, but you're great, and I mean great, as a public radio host.
It take a lot of work to be up uppity and be self-important all the time. Every
cab I go in, the guys love you.

MAURICE: Hey, thanks.

JEREMY: Hey, don't thank me. Thank yourself. You've learned something, then you
started something, and now you're doing it. That's what it's all about.

MAURICE: It is?

JEREMY: Yes. You thought your way to success. It's a three step program, based
on studying successful people. Like me. Or maybe learn start doing is too
intense for you. Maybe you should just think, hold that thought, complete. I
never had anyone complain about that program.

MAURICE: Stop that.

JEREMY: Hey, I engage with you, friend, and you're exchanging with me. I cover
this in my second tape. One is an positive action as practiced by successful
people like salesmen or prostitutes, and the other is a negative action as
practiced by failures like winos and judges.

MAURICE: WHAT?

JEREMY: Stop interrupting me. You got to open your ears and close your mouth.
It's very important, I tell my old lady that all the time. I say, "Hey, I don't
want to hear no complaining. I come home with piles of cash every night and all
you do is bitch." The learning starts in here, and ends when we open this.
Doing is a whole other story, but we'll come to that. Now all you have to do is
call me right away at 866-434-SELF, and for just one monthly payment, I will
change your life forever, I promise you. I'll supply you with all the materials
you'll need to completely change the way you see the world, guaranteed.

MAURICE: Oh, now stop, stop right now. This is a debate program, not an
infomercial.

JEREMY: Hey, that's a great idea. Listen, friend. I mean this in a friendly
way. Debating is a yes and no proposition. You need to open your mind to the
maybes. We're discussing like friends, not debating like enemies. You see the
difference?

JENNY: Yes, I do. I think it's so much fun to be on the radio. I'd listen more,
but someone stole my radio when they killed my foster family.

SMITH: I hate everyone, apart from the undead. They're the only ones you can
really get along with.

JEREMY: Well, that's a start. But even you, mister long hair and pale skin, I
can change your outlook, guaranteed.

JENNY: That's so great, like puppies!

SMITH: I saw some dead puppies once.

JENNY: Aww!

MAURICE: Konstantinos, I've noticed you have a lot of negative thinking.  Why
the Goth lifestyle?

SMITH: Well, some say life is a tea party for zombies. Also, when you only wear
black, everything matches. In fact, I'll keep wearing black until something
darker comes along. It's a known fact that the best poetry is written when
you're horribly depressed.

JENNY: Hey, listen, I wrote a haiku. Oh, the red daisy. Flowers retain all
happiness. Sunshine, YEAH!! Sunshine, HEHEHE!!

JEREMY: You'd sound like you'd enjoy my program motivate, demonstrate, then
motivate again. Nobody ever complained about that program. You hug people and
you laugh like you never laughed before.

MAURICE: Let's get back to the topic at hand, eh? I had enough of this
weirdness. Jenny, let's start with you. How do you maintain such a positive
outlook on life? It says in your file that some awful things have happened to
you.

JENNY: I don't think anything awful has happened to me.

MAURICE: But it says you y-y-y-your parents were brutally murdered.

JENNY: MOMMY?! Where's mommy? She's just fine. She's probably taking a nap.
HAHAHAHA!! You're like my bad doll, Mr. Livingston. He's a bad doll, BAD DOLL!
Not like my other dolls. My mom's great though, thanks for asking.

MAURICE: O-o-kay! WOW! You're psychotic, and dosed up to the eyeballs on
tranquilizers.

JENNY: If it's psychotic to be happy, then I guess I am. HEHEHE!!

SMITH: A stalagmite grows an inch every thousand years. That slow and painful.
That's how I want to live my life. If you can't see the misery, stay out of the
kitchen. You may have noticed this arm tattoo? It's Egyptian, and it represents
the breath of life given in the afterworld. It's my key to eternal life after
death.

JEREMY: Hey, why don't you carry your keys in your pocket like everyone else?

SMITH: Because only that which is burned or scratched into your flesh comes
with you to the afterlife.

JEREMY: Hehe. I bet my ex-wife will be there waiting for me in the afterlife.
The bitch is crazy. Hey, can you put a hex on my ex-wife, like some kind of
spooky voodoo or something?

SMITH: I do dabble in the dark arts and magic.

JEREMY: I ain't talking about magic like pulling a rabbit out of your ass or
pulling quarters out of your ears. I'm talking voodoo. You know, dance around
with a chicken voodoo. That bitch was a grass.

SMITH: Why does everyone assume that just because we're goths, we're weird?

JEREMY: I don't know. The hood, cane, black fingernail polish may have
something to do with it. When was the last time you seen the sun?

SMITH: It's been over 18 years since I was out in open sunlight. I only leave
the house if it's raining, or if I need milk.

JEREMY: EXACTLY! Listen, I was just like you at one time, except I didn't wear
makeup. That would get you a firm beating where I grew up. I'm happy to give
you a sample of my course learn start doing. I promise you'll run out and buy
some colored clothing, and listen to some music other than people groaning on
and on for half an hour about how much it rains in Manchester. Life is what you
make of it. Look at me. I got a condo, a hot tub, a lot of girls.

SMITH: Listen, you're really bringing me down, which is hard to do. I've been
to the other side many times. Sometimes, I barely come back. It's all about
astroprojection. Like right now, I'm projecting myself into the women's
bathroom at the fairgrounds.

JEREMY: Hey, that's a good trick. Maybe you and I should go into business
together.

MAURICE: Oy, look, I've had enough of this love fest. You, you're a
motivational conman, and you, you are a maniacally depressed looney with
anemia. You guys should hate each other.

JENNY: Did you say Love Fist? Those guys are so super. Listen, I just wrote
another poem. If I had a flower for everytime I I think of you,
I'd walk forever in a garden.

MAURICE: And I just wrote a poem, too. Shut up, you weird, pathetic pimple.
This is my show, Maurice Chavez. Capeech? Comprende? We are not here to recite
poetry or sell motivational tape or talk to dead people. We are here to press
the issue. Anyway, let's take a break. We'll be right back after this important
information from Vice City Public Radio.

MICHELLE: That's Pressing Issues here on VCPR, Vice City Public Radio.
If you haven't given money to VCPR, and you're listening to this station, you
are a thief.

JONATHAN: That's right, Michelle. You might as well as throw a brick through
the window and loot the place. How selfish you people are? This is public
radio, serving the public, with everything that is important. Like me. So come
on. Keep us on air. It's really important.

MICHELLE: Send us your money. I'm going to say this over and over until you do.

JONATHAN: Yes. Michelle is known for her beg-a-thon tantrums. She cares about
this station, unlike you. Think of how much money you spend on drive-thru fast
food and commemorative plates. Take that money right now, and send it, direct
to me, Jonathan Freeloader, Starfish Island, Vice City. Now back to the show,
with Maurice Chavez, the asshole.

MICHELLE: You're correct. He IS an asshole.

MAURICE: I'm Maurice Chavez. Welcome back. I used to be a performance clown.
Now, I'm running a debate show. Funny how things turn out, eh? HEHEHE!!

JENNY: HEHE!!

MAURICE: Or is it? That's the question, you see? If we look upon life as a
positive experience, do we make it any better? That's what we're discussing
right now here on Pressing Issues. Free radio, with free ideas. Just keep those
donations pouring in. Don't sell out to corporations. We all need a voice.
Really, we do, and today, right now, we're giving a voice to three very
different people discussing positive thinking. A healthy mental attitude. We
got a goth/depressive, we've got a very happy orphan.

JENNY: HEHEHEHE!!

MAURICE: And we got a motivational speaker with a number of systems.

JENNY: HEHE!!

MAURICE: So let's start with you Konstantinos, you strange, creepy, creature of
darkness. Have you got a positive mental attitude?

SMITH: I'd like to think so.

MAURICE: Oh really?

SMITH: Misery and suffering? It's everywhere, man. And I actively want a fatal
disease. What bad could possibly happen to me?

MAURICE: You could win the lottery?

SMITH: The lottery? That's for people with hope. I don't enter the lottery.

MAURICE: You could. [2 second pause] Damn, you two, help me here.

JENNY: I think he's great. I think he's really sweet. I love your hair. It
reminds me of a big, shaggy dog with long, greasy, straight hair.

JEREMY: You know, Chavez, this weird goth guy? He's got a point. I mean, in
many ways, what he's talking about is covered in my three step program, tape
17. Motivate, demonstrate, then motivate again, part 9. Facing home truths. You
see, we all have to face up to a few home truths. I'll never be prom queen.
Jenny will never have her parents.

JENNY: HEHEHE!!

JEREMY: You'll never make it in the entertainment business. It's about
realistic goals. I can change your life.

MAURICE: Now, now just a second, Robard. What isn't covered in your three-step
program? What don't you talk about in your Library Of Congress sized tape
cassette library? Whatever we talk about, greed, goths, depression, changing
lives. Who are you? What have you done that's so great? You wear a cheap suit,
your hair is stuck rigid with spray, you're breath stinks of whisky. Y--you
look like you sell drugs to people. You're a joke, buddy, a bad joke.

JEREMY: Oh, now this is gettin' personal. I come on your cheap-ass show, I
spare my valuable time, I canceled several important speaking engagements. I
talk to thousand of VIPs in order to spread a message of hope. And this is how
I get treated. I get insulted by a man with dandruff, I get slandered by a guy
who couldn't amuse a birthday party of 9 year olds, I get attacked by a guy who
works on a volunteer radio.

MAURICE: This is not volunteer radio. I earn a salary!

JEREMY: How much? How much do you earn Chavez? Big man, tough guy with a
microphone and a cheap jacket, and a look that says, "My highest hope in life
is to work in a bookstore." I'm a go-getter. You're a cheapskate.

MAURICE: You're a fraud with nothing to tell people. And no way of helping
people.

SMITH: Excellent. I'm really loving this. I hope one of them gets killed.

JEREMY: Shut up, dork!

JENNY: All the bunnies are stabbing each other!

JEREMY: Shut up! I have a condo, I have a hot tub, I've vacationed in Aruba.

MAURICE: Vacation is not a verb, moron.

JEREMY: Yes it is, because I'm a VIP. I'm very important. And I'm a teacher. A
wise man. Not an opinionated dope, a naysayer sitting on the side of life,
critisizing others, when all he can do is get a crappy gig down at a moron
station. A man who lives with his mother.

MAURICE: I'm between apartments.

JEREMY: And I'm between mansions, buster. From helping people. Do you know how
good how it feels to be me? Do you have any idea? Any idea at all how great it
feels to wake up and realize you're a rich and talented and important person
and in a waterbed with mirrors on the ceiling and more girls than you can
imagine? And every time I step outside the door, I can choose which car to
drive, if I choose to drive. I have five chauffeurs.

MAURICE: No, you haven't.

JEREMY: Yes I have.

JENNY: Sweep it under the carpet, that's my motto. HEHEHEHE!! If I can't see
it, it's not there. EHEHEHEHE!!

MAURICE: Look, I hate to burst your bubble here, but I know you live in a very
small apartment overlooking the gas works. You ain't a big shot.
You ain't even a medium shot. You're an asshole. A creepy jailbird who doesn't
know the first---!

JEREMY: [interrupting Maurice] Hey, I have a message. I can save lives. I'm a
savior, my friend. I have a gift for communication, and this is how I get
treated. I get insulted, I get paired with a pair of retards, a guy who's
afraid of the sun, and a girl dosed up to the eyeballs on anti-depressants.
Sweetheart, I can get you something much better.

JENNY: These pills are very strong today. Maybe I took too much accidentally.
Oh well! Ehhehehe.

JEREMY: This chick is out of her mind. I thought I was going to get to help
people on the radio. To demonstrate my program. To help you, Chavez. Those
people on the phones said you were a desperate, lonely man on the edge.

MAURICE: LEAVE! LEAVE RIGHT NOW! Get out of my studio. Go get your own radio
show. Go save some other people.

JEREMY: Hey, I'm not leaving until I have the opportunity to save people, and
sell some tapes. You can call right now and send in the money order. Soon, you
can have a luxury condo and a waterbed, and a suit made in Singapore based on
the latest Italian style.

MAURICE: ENOUGH!! ENOUGH NOW, SHUT UP!

JEREMY: Hey, vampire boy, I'll give you 20 bucks if you can put a hex on
Chavez.

SMITH: [as Jenny's laughing]* Dark forces, I summon you to me, banish these
weaklings and mental inferior ones from my presence.

*I had a lot of people e-mail me on this one.  I don't remember most of them,
but I didn't modify this section because I was a bit cautious on over
modifying, as I did not write this section.

MAURICE: SHUT UP!

JEREMY: No, you little snotty-nosed prick.

MAURICE: WHAT?!!

JEREMY: You're shoes got lifts, buster, I can tell.

MAURICE: Eh, LIFT THIS, HAIRSPRAY!!

[sound of something hitting something]

JEREMY: OW, MY NOSE!!

JENNY: Daddy, stop bleeding!

JEREMY: This costs a lot of money. I'll sue you into jail, asshole.

JENNY: Stop fighting, please! I hate it when we fight! Can't we have a group
hug?!

SMITH: Hit me, man. I LIKE IT!!

JEREMY: Ow, my damn nose.

MAURICE: AWW, stop crying, baby boy. Who you gonna tell, huh? Where's you're
three-step program now? You think I'm a little wimp now? You want to be rude
about Pressing Issues now, eh? You think you a tough guy from the gutter now,
ah, my friend? You think you can screw with me? With Maurice Chavez? What you
thinking, asshole?

JEREMY: Ah, I'm sorry. Please don't hit me again. I, I love your show.

MAURICE: Eh. Well, I think I understand this positive thinking. And that was
Pressing Issues. I think we covered a lot of ground. We learned all about how
to press the issue. And remember, if at first you don't get hurt, beat the guy
very hard in the face with a paperweight. It just worked for me, and I feel
like a million dollars. Let's tell you a little bit more about exactly how
public radio is financed and quality programs like Pressing Issues come on the
air. Don't go away.

MICHELLE: That was Pressing Issues, and this is Vice City Public Radio.
We hope you're enjoying this show as much as you're about to enjoy listening to
me and Jonathan Freeloader.

JOHNATHAN: Hello, everybody.

MICHELLE: Hi, Jonathan. How are you?

JONATHAN: Heartbroken, Michelle.

MICHELLE: Why, Jonathan, why?

JONATHAN: Well, because it seems people just don't care anymore. I mean, where
are people's priorities? We have campaigned tirelessly for Public Radio for
literally months now, and the station is still in trouble. But a man with a
hygiene problem puts on a pop concert, and suddenly everyone has money to hand
over to starving kids they never even met. I think it's a disgrace.

MICHELLE: Yes. People are very shallow.

JONATHAN: Like you?

MICHELLE: Exactly like me. But radio is much more important than food. I have a
good mind not to let them back into Pressing Issues this time. You have to give
us some money. It is a--it--it's a disaster. That's what it is.  What's wrong
with you people? Please. We're struggling to pay for our second homes here.

JONATHAN: And I've only had three vacations this year.

MICHELLE: You poor, poor man. Let's get on with the show. Remember, call now.
Please. We need your money. Urgently.

2D: MY FAVORITE QUOTES

"Oh, look.  Stump-jumpin' Jethro is using all three of his brain cells to
talk!"- Alex Shrub

"I'm a patriot!  I've even got an orange grove tattooed all over my groin!"-
John F. Hickory

"At one point in Uganda, I saw a great lake of sand and a massive speaking dog.
It was a dog of love, not of hate."- Callum Crayshaw

"Puppets can say what men cannot."- Callum Crayshaw

"The fact is business is run by moral people who won't do anything illegal or
try to get rich quickly."- Alex Shrub

"We're deep in acronym hell right now... Or is it purgatory?"- Maurice
Chavez

"It's about putting the family first.  That's really important to me, and where
a lot of my morality comes from... And if you don't like it, find your own
husband and stay away from mine, okay!?!?!"- Jan Brown

"I mean-I mean, I saw the hippies... What a load of claptrap.  Wha-What's your
kid going to do at a school with a name like Moonbeam or Wave or Horseradish or
whatever they call 'em."- Jan Brown

"Most people are idiots, and that's exactly who my teachings appeal to."-
Pastor Richards

"If this is the land of the free, let's start with our pants!"- Barry Stark

"Did you know in India the women protest by setting themselves on fire?  I tell
you, next time the kids are screaming for ice cream and pop, I may just douse
myself in kerosene.  I use that as a threat to my kids all the time, so it's no
wonder they're so screwed up."- Jan Brown

"And that's just the kind of person I am: opinionated and moronic."- Jan Brown

"That's a lie, son!  We come from the Great Meteor of Truth!"- Pastor Richards

"Yes.  Mean bitch!  I hope she dies an agonizing death!"- Michelle Montanius

"See, there are some people that think everything has to make money.  It
doesn't!  That's why you should give now."- Michelle Montanius

"Remember, VCPR is an advertising free zone, much like the moon or Time
Square."- Jonathan Freeloader

"Don't be shy!  Please, we've all got one!  That means I'm happy!"-
Barry Stark

"You smiel!  You shot him! There-there-there's blood, and-and pubic hair all
over the studio!"- Maurice Chavez

"...Then I light candles and cry."- Konstaninos Smith

"Okay... Wow, you're psychotic... and dosed up to the eyeballs on
tranquilizers!"- Maurice Chavez

"I ain't talking about magic like pulling a rabbit out of your ass or pulling
quarters out of your ears." --Jeremy Robard

"All the bunnies are stabbing each other!"- Jenny Louise Crab

<[<[<[Darkpowrjd's favorite quotes]>]>]>

[You] write a newspaper column, that lines my birdcage." --Alex Shrubb

"You think what? Have you been snortin' BLOCKS?!" --Alex Shrub

"I am not a racist. I hate everybody irrelevant of other issues. But I
especially hate Yankees." --John Hickory

"I even got a orange grove tattooed all over my groin." --John Hickory

"Yes, but how will that stop people taking baseball bats and pounding the
living crap outta each other as I saw in a mothers' PTA group meeting,
recently?" --Maurice Chavez

"Baseball is our national sport - our national pastime. Joining together as men
in order to reward the act of running around in a circle." --Alex Shrub

SHOW 2:

"What is it, the Degeneratron? What a crock of shit!" --Jan Brown

"And I should know. I'm from MARS!" --Pastor Richards

"If you put a bunch of leftovers from the fridge in a pan and bake it, somebody
will probably eat it." --Pastor Richards

"People at high school and cheerleading are all naked!" --Barry Stark

"When people of Vice City are in a Quik-E-Mart, they should be able to have a
safe financial transaction, without seeing your firehose!" --
Maurice Chavez

"No policeman has ever hit me with his truncheon." --Barry Stark

"Don't be shy. Please, we've all got one. That means I'm happy." --Barry Stark

"T-there's blood and pubic hair all over the studio. Ladies and gentlemen, it
is complete pandemonium here on Pressing Issues with me, the multi-award
winning and soon to be executed Maurice Chavez." --
Maurice Chavez

"It's okay to use tongues." --Barry Stark

SHOW 3:

"When I was in jail, I got the idea for my current business." --Jeremy
Robard

"NO! I'm still pissed off with you, you shoulder-pad wearing scheister!"
--Maurice Chavez

"I'd like to be all shot up with embalming fluid." --Konstantinos

"O-o-kay! WOW! You're psychotic, and dosed up to the eyeballs on
tranquilizers." --Maurice Chavez

"I ain't talking about magic like pulling a rabbit out of your ass or pulling
quarters out of your ears." --Jeremy Robard

"If you haven't given money to VCPR, and you're listening to this station, you
are a thief." --Michelle Montanius

"Who are you? What have you done that's so great?" --Maurice Chavez (this isn't
a really funny quote, but he NAILED this line perfectly)

"Vacation is not a verb, moron." --Maurice Chavez

"Eh, LIFT THIS, HAIRSPRAY!!" --Maurice Chavez

"Hit me, man. I LIKE IT!!" --Konstantinos
=======================================================================
THANKS AGAIN TO BOREDGAMER FOR THIS SCRIPT!

Here are some more favorite quotes from Daniel Fomin
----------------------------------------------------
Maurice, if I may, you have a fine show here and...and I'm
glad to be on it, but everyone within the sound of my voice and smell
will die in the fires of doom.  It is written, "TV is trash, radio is
trash, our newspapers are run by Canadians with an agenda.  Our very
way of life is threatened.  We formed this great state to plague all,
and I'll be damned if any weirdo hippies are going to tell us we can't
fill in wetlands and make a home for ourselves, complete with 18 hole
championship standard courses and selective admission.  Heathens will
ruin the land, acid will rain from the skies, we'll never hear my voice
again- It will be anarchy!
--Pastor Richards

TV teaches immorality!  Refugees, glue, the price of tea in
China... How can we raise children in this environment?
--Jan Brown

Clothes are a lie, Maurice!
--Barry Stark

AHHH!  Get off of me!  I'm happily divorced!
--Maurice Chavez

Ugh... I'm bleeding!  I need a proctologist!
--Barry Stark

I ain't talking about magic like pulling a rabbit out of your ass or
pulling quarters out of your ears.
 --Jeremy Robard
I like New Orleans... its hot and depressing
--Konstontinos

Oh, look.  Stump-jumpin' Jethro is using all three of his brain cells
to talk!
--Alex Shrub

I'm a patriot!  I've even got an orange grove tattooed all over my
groin!
--John F. Hickory

At one point in Uganda, I saw a great lake of sand and a massive
speaking dog.  It was a dog of love, not of hate.
--Callum Crayshaw

Puppets can say what men cannot.
--Callum Crayshaw

Jumpin' Jehoshaphat on a pogo stick!  You city slickers got more
issues than a newsstand!  Can we talk about public safety here?  I
ain't got all day!
--John F. Hickory

===============================================================================

                         -= 16.0 Miscellaneous =-

===============================================================================

This is a section where I put anything that doesn't belong in another section
and it doesn't deserve another section.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                            16.1 Made Up Missions
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Big thanks to THAguyINgta3 for this whole section)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Single Made Up Missions
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

These are some made up missions that will be fun if you are out of things to
do. For more than these, go to GTAdomain.CJB.net.

--Hunt Down The Traitor
Objective- kill Pepa (Cuban gangster)
According to Umberto Robina, Pepa stole money from the gang and usually goes to
party in Malibu. Go there at exact 7:00(night) and kill him, but do not harm
any other people.
Pepa- blue jeans, white Cuban gang top	
Thanks to LCPD

--Respect
Objective- Kill 5 small groups of gangsters
These gangsters are losers!! They must stop hanging out near the InterGlobal
Films studios! Kill 5 groups of them and make them scare! You must not bring
any weapons; you must show respect and fight like a man! Fist vs. guns!
Thanks to LCPD

--Hunter Jacking
Use a cheat code and change Tommy into a different skin. (I use Sonny
Forrelli.) You are now a good old-fashioned Mafia soldier, and you take your
orders from big Tommy Vercetti. Your current mission is to take three
bodyguards and infiltrate the Air Force Base, resulting in stealing the Hunter.
Then, take it to the Vercetti Estate. Thanks to Sepiroth154.

--Psycho Killer
Put the Jason costume on, and head outside. Get into a Walton, and pick up a
prostitute. (It doesn't matter which one) Take your woman out to Ocean Beach,
and park in the middle of the sand. Get out of the car and start slicing her.
When she runs, chase after her under the moonlit sky. It's really beautiful
watching a hockey-masked killer chase a woman at night on the beach. Thanks to
Sepiroth154.

--Vice City Sniper
Objectives: It has been brought to our attention that certain individuals being
employed at The Malibu Club have been smuggling goods from the company.  It is
not known whom these individuals are but we are certain that one of the
doormen, a few dancers and some security guards inside are involved. Kill all
of them!!! All doormen! All Dancers! All Guards! You need to be stealthy, so
take out the doormen with a sniper rifle from a nearby rooftop...then head
inside and use Molotov cocktails to torch the place in a hurry. After you have
done this make yourself scarce and DO NOT GET BUSTED!!! Thanks to KtuluVrock.

--Fore
Objective: As all VCPR listeners are aware, Pastor Richards is a big time golf
enthusiast but the local "Leafy Links Golf Club" has denied him a membership.
Force them to rethink their decision!!! Kill as many golfers as possible and
raise absolute hell!!! Thanks to KtuluVrock.

--Strike Zone
This is more of a mini-game than a mission. Get a PCJ 600 and take it downtown.
Speed down the road leading north to Ammunation and bail before you hit the
stair ramp. Try to get the PCJ 600 to sail over the ramp and right through the
Ammunation entrance. Bonus if it blows up inside and kills the Ammunation guy.
Thanks to MikeyGarcia.

--Rug Burn
Get in a fire truck and drive around hitting people off of motorcycles. Try to
get 10 in 5 minutes. There's a catch, though. The people on the motorcycles
MUST die. If they get up, it doesn't count. You can try to hit them off again,
but they have to die by flying off their bike. Thanks to MikeyGarcia.

--Eleanor
Point: Survive
What And How: Go to parking garage and grab a car you like. You should then
kill a cop and gain three stars. The objective is to see how long you can last
in that single car once it's on fire the game is over, see how long you
survived if it's over 40 minutes you can call yourself Helicki prodogy.  Thanks
to Kronic.

--Boost
Point: 2 day's steal 37 cars all must be delivered to the lot near 8-balls bomb
shop.  What And How: You must steal the following car's and deliver it to our
contact leave the door open when you get it and bring the next one if you see
some previously cars you retrieved missing we have already stored it in the
garage. Here is your list of car's we need. Thanks to Kronic.
Patriot
Sentinel XS
Banshee
Stallion
Sabre
Linerunner
Esperanto
Comet
Taxi
Packer
Admiral
Sentinel
Washington
Cheetah
Infernus
Stinger
Phoenix
Rumpo
Rancher
FBI Washington
Mule
Sanchez
Coach
Voodoo
Hermes
Blista Compact
BF Injection
Bus
Idaho
Greenwood
Glendale
Manana
Perenial
Regina
Securicar
Stretch
Police
These must be done within two days (in the game of course)

--Car Crash King
This is more of a mini game than a made up mission. Just see how many cars you
can destroy with your car. Thanks to Kronic.

--Get It While It's Hot
Objectives: A recent spree of thefts has occurred and we've lost some valuable
merchandise. A man named "El Burro" is to blame for these unfortunate
circumstances. Pose as a Pizza Boy. (You'll need a submachine gun for this
mission) El Burro usually hangs around Hyman Memorial Stadium and often wears
jeans and a red leather jacket. Find him and deliver his order...a shotgun
round, right in the chest!!! Thanks to KtuluVrock.

--Kill The Killer
Objective: There have been a number of killings by El Burro. Kill him before he
goes on another killing spree. He will be around any sports with a lot of
people (Mall, Beach, ETC). He will be dressed in a brown leather jacket.
Thanks to Pujols.

--Undercover Brother
OBJECTEVE: Go Kill 10 gang members in each gang
You lose if:
Get Busted
Get Wasted
Use Cheats
Thanks to Pujols.

--Collector
Objective- Collect money from shopkeeper
James works in the Ryton Aid near the Little Haiti only at 5:00pm or 6:00 am,
he works only for 2 hours. Don't kill the wrong guy. James' a tough man, so
bring a shotgun or he won't get scared. Make him pay you $1000 and leave the
shop. Bring a fast car; James' Uncle's a FBI, so James got cops as bodyguards.
The bodyguards stay in a small house near the shop, it will only take 2 seconds
to get to the shop if anything happens. James-brown pants, brown top and wear
glasses	
Thanks to LCPD

--Get That O
Objective- pick up Jenna and kill her
Drive around in the streets of the Ocean View, and pick up Jenna. Do whatever
you want to do with her and then kill her.
Jenna-Black bra, black shorts, short hair	
Thanks to LCPD

--Raining Blood
We have had a recent situation with the French...It seems that our good friend,
Colonel Juan Cortez, was maliciously attacked by these ingrates. We need to
retaliate! The French own several pieces of property throughout the city. The
mainly are located in Downtown, Vice Point and the Docks. Take the Hunter and
kill everything that you see in these areas especially the pedestrians. Create
a bloodbath to drive down the property value in these areas. With any luck, the
French will lose their holds in the city and move out. Thanks to KtuluVrock.

--Tea Money Must Be Hidden
Objective- take money, put in car and blow it up
5 prisoners escaped last week and robbed 2 stores, they hid the money in Cafe
Robina. My men saw Ken take it. He's the one that makes tea. Go pay a visit as
soon as possible, get the money then put the money in car. Visit 8-ball and
Boom! Make sure you do not kill Ken.
Ken-brown pants, brown top and wear glasses.
Thanks to LCPD

--Get Those Boys
Objective- kill the 5 prisoners
Here are the locations of the men
1.Sam- He's going to be working in Ammunation in North Point Mall. This guy's
armed (be careful)
2.Joey-He's the guy with cars; he loves to drive around in Downtown. His car is
a blue sport car. We don't know what car he may drive, but we are very sure it
will be blue. Find him.
3.Ron-biker, he's the watcher that stands all day outside of the biker shop
next to Greasy Chopper.
4.George-hacker, he loves pizza. Maybe you can find him there? George- gray
hair, blue suit or green suit and his shoulders are some how not even.
5. This guy's unknown	
Thanks to LCPD.

--The Unknown
Objective- kill everyone that seem to be him
We don't really know who this guy is. He's a pimp and that's all we know. Now
the two places for pimps are the Pole Position and Malibu. Just in case, go to
both and kill all the males.	
Thanks to LCPD.

--Clean Up After Yourself
Objective- clean up
Hey, you have to watch out man! The cops got a file of the things you did!  Ok,
go to Vice City Police Department in the right side island. Get in there; hold
a gun and act like a fool. Get six stars! By then, the whole place will be
messed up! I'm sure they won't notice they lost your file.
Thanks to LCPD.
	
--Donut cars
Objective-get the cars for me please
Get a normal police car and FBI cars (any kind, but I need 5 of them). Bring
all these to the garage of Kaufman Cabs.	
Thanks to LCPD.

--Nutter
Objective- steal the goody
I know I may sound nuts, but I need this to be done.
Governments of Vice City bought a nice Hunter from Russia.
It will be in the Air Base, steal it and fly! One more thing, I don't know if
you are used to the controls of if but go ahead and press the R3 button. Then
the radar will show the guys you need to kill before you can hand the hunter to
us (go up to level 3). Drop the hunter on top of one of the big ships in the
left side island (Vice Port). Please drop it during nighttime; it's easier for
us to transfer it to China.	
Thanks to LCPD

--Ah-Ne-Ah-Dol
Objective- kill the agents
The Chinese thank for your great work, but the Yakuza are not. They wanted
hunter, but paid very little, so that's why we gave it to the Chinese. The
Japanese sent about 20 agents to Vice City, they going to blow the whole city
up! My men went around to find them and here's where they are planting the
bombs! Save Vice City!
Hyman Memorial Stadium (10 of them)
Escobar International Airport (5)
The ocean View Hotel (5)	
Thanks to LCPD
	
--Hell Fire
Objective- collect weapon, steal a coach and burn it in front of shop
Here's a little mission for you, but you will need something to do this. Go to
Tacopalypse in the left side island in Downtown. When you arrive there, you
will see the item you need in the corner. Now all you need is a coach. Drive
around and find it. When you see one, get on and pick up some passengers. Now
head to "Screw This" tool shop in Little Havana. Park it in front and burn it!
	
Thanks to LCPD.

--Rich Man Got Holes In The Head
Objective- kill Jack in the Box
Without the mask, it's pretty hard to tell who he is. But! We know that he
still wears the suit after work. Jack loves to go to other food courts, malls,
strip clubs and walk around in town! Luckily, we got where and when he goes.
Kill all the ones that look like him, so we don't see him on TV no more.	
1. 2 pizza places- we are not sure which one he will go, but we know that he
goes there everyday at 2:00pm
2. Strip club- Pole Position, I'm sure you will see him there at 11:00pm.
3. North Point Mall- If you don't see him there, don't waste your time.
4. In the streets of Downtown or the beach.
Jack in the box-suit-Grey top and brown bottom?
Thanks to LCPD.

--Short On Cash
Tommy is short on cash and needs some money. You must go and rob every store in
2 game days. You fail if you use the Pay N Spray, get Wasted, or get Busted.
Thanks to the_jugglin_juggalo.

--Haitian Troubles
Go and get the Little Haiti costume and a Haitian gang car. Now, go and drive-
by 50 Haitians. Now, go to the Print Works and kill all Haitians in that area.
You fail if you get Wasted or Busted. Thanks to the_jugglin_juggalo.

--Haitian Troubles #2
First, go and get the Little Haiti costume and then go get a Haitian gang car.
Go and drive-by all of the Haitians in the Kaufman Cabs and Print Works area.
Then, go blow up 5 Haitian gang cars. You fail if you get Wasted or Busted.
Thanks to the_jugglin_juggalo.

--Last Zenith I
Mitch has taken more bullets from the Sharks then he'd care to sustain. A few
buddies from 'Nam are going to try and scare them out of town. The only problem
is, some FBI agents have intercepted a call and are now chasing Mitch
everywhere. Mitch needs you to get to them. Currently they're at the air force
base, but are being watched too closely to move, but "Big" Mitch told them to
look for a soldier filled up with 9mm Uzi ammo.
Objectives: Pick up the 9mm Uzi ammo near the Greasy Chopper. Then, go to the
Ammu-nation in North Point and buy at least 500 rounds of ammunition. Go
around, killing Sharks until you have 3 stars. Then, get in an Angel or Freeway
and use the wanted level cheat twice until you have 6 stars. Look for a Tank.
Kill him with the Uzi, and get in the Tank, making sure you use the 9mm Uzi. Do
the lower wanted level cheat, get out, and wait for another military vehicle to
arrive, making sure to stay in one lane. If it's a Barracks OL, this is Ortega,
who will assist you later. If it's a Tank, this is Lao, who will also assist
you. When the vehicle passes, get in the Tank and drive it to Hyman. You'll get
a phone call.
"Alright we're ready. Just tell us where." Thanks to Skystar Rose.

--Cubans Gone Mad
Objective: go and kill 3 groups of Haitians with hand-to-hand combat. Then, go
and steal a Haitian gang car and bring it to Cafe Robina. Do this and mission
complete. You fail if you get Wasted or Busted.

--Gang Warfare
All the gangs are declaring absolute "war" on each other. You are hired by Kent
Paul to lead the Cubans to victory over the Haitians, hated over most. The
meeting place happens to be Starfish Island, for a large arena. Just as you
enter Starfish Island, you receive a phone call from Ken, saying that it was a
set up, in order to kill Tommy and take over his business. They have sealed off
the gates, and have secured the helicopter. Escape S.I., and head over to Ken's
place, avoiding swarms of Haitian and Cuban psycho cars out to have your head.
Objectives: 1. Lead the Cuban car convoy to Starfish Island
2. (Upon reaching starfish island) help kill some Haitians.
3. (After a certain period of time) escape Starfish Island by "the fastest
boat" by the mansion's docks.
4. Get to Ken's place, where you receive your money and plan for an assault.
Thanks to TerraX13.

--Sports Car Mania
Objective: Bring 1 of each of the following cars and bring them to one of your
garages.
Phoenix
Comet
Sabre
Banshee
Infernus
Cheetah
You fail if you get Busted or Wasted. Thanks to Vcfreak.

--Police Brutality
Objectives: Got to the Police Station near Club Malibu and kill every police
man in there. After that, get a Coach or other very large vehicle and rig it
with a bomb at 8-Balls. Take the car the Fort Baxter Air Base, try up to the
gates and bail out. Once the Vehicle is inside blow it up. Then try and get to
a Pay N' Spray and you win. You fail if you get Wasted or Busted. Thanks to
the_jugglin_juggalo.

--Drop The Dead Body
Its 4:00AM and you get a phone call in your ocean view hotel. Jimmy "The Tulip"
Tudeski, a good friend of yours has been arrested by the police, and has used
his phone call to call you. You see the Cops have him down for Murder, However
Jimmy knows they haven't found the body yet, as he conveniently stashed the
body in a golf cart located at leaf links golf course. However he knows it wont
remains unfound for much longer. He wants you to get to Leaf links, find the
golf cart, and dump it in the ocean at Washington Beach.
Objectives:
Its 4:00AM
You have 1 hour (Game time to find the body) once you get the body (golf cart)
up your wanted level to 3 stars. You now have to make it to Washington Beach
using only the golf cart. Only thing is you cannot let the cops see you dumping
the body, so you have to loose them using cop bribes only. You fail if you get
Wasted or Busted. Thanks to The_Preacher.

--Renegade Taxi Driver
Objectives: Get the job outfit, a chainsaw, and a taxi. Turn on Taxi Missions
and go around picking up people, after you pick them up take them to a remote
place and kill them. Do this until you get 3 stars and then kill cops until the
FBI comes, when they come go get sprayed. You must have your original Taxi at
the Pay N Spray. Thanks to the_jugglin_juggalo.

--The Big Bambino
Someone in your gang is a rat!
Objectives: Someone's been talking to the cops about your "operation", he's
hanging out in the Malibu. But he is incognito, so be safe and kill everyone in
the place with a baseball bat, even the bouncers and the bartender. Thanks to
the_jugglin_juggalo.

--All Gone Wrong
Seems that all your assets are not answering your calls. You go to see what's
wrong and ken's bloody head is in your office of the Vercetti Estate. You see a
note attached that says, "We are taken back this town -People". You ask around
on the street and it seems there was a gang called the people group and they
used to b the most feared people ever...GET REVENGE
Objective: You have no idea who they are so first drive from Vercetti estate to
the biker bar. You learn there old headquarters used to b where the airport is
today. Go to the airport and kill the first 10 people you see. *DO NOT GET THE
COPS OFF OF YOU*. After you kill the 10th person he has a note that tells you
that Mr. Black wants to see you. Get to the phone in the airport. Mr. Black
tells you he wants a 1 on one fight. Go to the Kaufman cab company. You see it
was a set up and it was really the Haitians. Kill 50 of them. **Still with the
cops on you**. When you are done drive to the nearest pay and spray. YOU WIN!!!
Thanks to Grand Theft Hobo.

--Last Zenith II
Your message has been sent. Unfortunately, the Sharks have caught Mitch. The
Sharks know that eventually the bikers would come for them, so they set up a
bomb near the Greasy Chopper. Everyone knows that the Sharks could not just
walk in and plant it, so they sent a group of KGB's to do it for them -
military vs. military. Unbeknownst to them, Mitch's boys are out of the service
now. When they began to set the bomb up, they simultaneously died from a bullet
between the eyes. It is then that you see a man dressed quite fashionably,
holding a smoking M4. "Hey you! What's with the gun?" Tommy says, shoving the
man against the wall. The man narrows his eyes, as if ashamed that you did not
notice something. "Those were Reds on the Shark payroll. If I didn't get them,
you'd be dead by now. You think you can talk to me like that! Think again!" "I
don't need to listen to your ego, and I own this town! I listen to nobody!"
"You look like a sissy." The man said, grabbing Tommy by his collar and raising
him a good 3 feet. Tommy's henchmen broke through the door, Sub-machine guns
blazing. The man merely dodged to the left, and shot each one in the head
within a fraction of a second. He threw Tommy to the ground. "You own this
town, Eh? Don't go about picking your business with those you can't handle!"
"Oh!", said Vercetti, taking out a shotgun. "Eat this you little *****!" At
point blank he fired at the man's head. He seemed to vanish, then reappear. The
man shot once at the shotgun, knocking it to the ground. Tommy shivered. "What
the hell are you!"  "I'm Ortega, the best marks man there ever was. With an
attitude like that, you must be that Vercetti guy. Well then, let's see if you
can back up your claims. Take my gun, and get 10 headshots. You can't be hit
once. If you can do that, then you are worthy of taking down the Sharks with
me. But for now, there's no way you can fathom my skill. We got to tell them
Sharks we mean business! I want to see every Shark shudder in fear whenever
they leave that Shack that they call a hideout. Scare them so bad, that they'll
think twice before messing with us!"
Objectives: Start at the Greasy Chopper, and get 10 headshots with the M4
without getting hit. Then, get in a Gang Burrito, go to the Junkyard and kill
20 Haitians, again, without getting hit. After that you are allowed to loose
health. Get a Voodoo and get it rigged. Make sure to get hijacked by a shark,
and blow it up as he runs away. The Haitians will declare a gang war on the
Sharks. Once finished, get another Gang Burrito, dress up in the Bank Job
outfit, and start murdering Cubans. The Cubans will stall their war with the
Haitians for now and start one with the Sharks. Get a bike and go back to the
Greasy Chopper without losing any more health. Mission Complete. Thanks to
Skystar Rose.

--Helping Out Ronnie
Your drug dealer "Ronnie Sunshine" has been doing great work since you set him
up at the Malibu. Unfortunately he's been attracting unwanted attention, and
you just found out that an undercover cop has been scoping the club. In order
to keep the clubbers happy and ****ed up, you have to make sure that the cops
don't take Ronnie or you down. First you have to get rid of the cop.
Objectives: Go to the Malibu and take out the undercover cop (dancing on stage
with the Village People) using whatever means necessary, without killing any
clubbers. As more cops show up, kill them fast and make sure that they aren't
injuring any other clubbers. See how long you can keep the club running with
Ronnie doing deals, the clubbers staying happy, and you not getting busted or
wasted. Got to take care of the business! Thanks to Thundercat420.

--Ace Carrington
Avery Carrington feels like a night on the town, escort him to the local Casino
and partake in a bit of gambling. The stretch is waiting outside the
construction yard (Cut scene includes mandatory abuse of Donald Love).
Objective: Once at the Casino, Avery, being a degenerate gambler gets a little
rowdy after a few too many scotch and starts waving a Colt Python around.
Civilians are frightened and mass hysteria ensues. A bus boy asks Mr.
Carrington if he would put the weapon away and calmly leave. Tommy is not
impressed, but knows if anything happens to Avery he will cop even more flak
from the locals. Avery, with Scotch in hand takes aim and shoots the innocent
busboy and alarms sound as the Casino manager calls for police backup. Tommy,
while protecting Avery from '3 star' police fire and riot control (pedestrians
are still scared) must leave the Casino before Avery gets killed. However a cop
hits Tommy with a Colt 45 and the situation is reversed with Avery attempting
to protect Tommy while he is under the influence (think of the "Boom Shine
Saigon" Mission. Now, Avery wants you to get the Stretch and make it back to
the Vercetti Estate while evading police fire. Thanks to CapoDeluxe.

--Chase That Rat
Some guy has been doing some dirty drive-bys around here. He hit me one day and
got me injured. Do you know how pissed I am? Go follow him for at least 30
minutes (in game play) and shoot him down when he bails.
Objectives:
-Grab a car and follow the guy on the map for at least 30 minutes in game play.
-When he bails out, gun him down.
After killing the guy, you receive an urgent message:
"Hey kid, turns out that ****er was an imposter...He's driving around the
parking lot near the strip club hanging with some chicks...go and rap him
around they face with a katana or something.
-Go find the real guy in the lot near the strip joint
-Kill him
-Take his car and dump it.
***Failure if:***
-You get out of the at any time during the chase of the imposter
-You fail to kill both guys
Thanks to StealthSnipa2236.

--Not A Lucky Number
Objectives- go wild until time's over
All right, grab your armor and weapons. Now GO to WAR!!
I got men robbing goodies on the left side island everywhere! You are one of my
men, right? SO you must help! You go to Vice City Police Department, and try to
talk to the front desk dummy. If they are busy eating donuts, kill them. Just
to make them pay attention. Your real job is to go wild and become the front
page of all the magazines!! Crazy Killer in town!
Your time-12:00am to 4:00pm
If you need rest in between, go ahead, BUT make sure the cops still smell your
tail!	
Thanks to LCPD

--Still 13
Objective- Jack is not Jack, snipe her out of her car.
I am very sorry to the ones that lost their souls. We just found out that Jack
is really a girl. She's leaving town!! And you must stop her! How she leaves
Vice City? How you get to Vice City? You know where to look for her now, right?
Jack's car-red, four wheels, two doors, small and slow.
Jack-we still don't know her face.
Oh my. There's going to be a lot of bloody cars with headless drivers.
Thanks to LCPD.

--Nice
Objective- collect weapons
Phil Cassidy just called me to tell you that he needs your help! It's pretty
hard for him to drive around and buy weapons. You know what I mean. Go pay him
a visit, he's lonely. In his garage, he has a car ready for you. Go get guns
for him here:
1.Ammu-nation in Ocean Beach at 3:00pm
2.Ammu-nation in North Point mall at 5:00
3.Ammu-nation in Downtown at 7:00
He expected you to be back every soon.	
Thanks to LCPD	

--Dirty Dirt Bike
Objective- steal the black dirt bike from the Haitians
Looks like it's going to rain today. The Haitians have a habit of going out to
play in rainy days. They are going to go to Dirt Bike Track for a practice run.
You go there, get on my bike (the dirt bike that sits there already) and follow
the checkpoints and they will be there soon. Bring one of their dirt bikes to
the gas station near the Washington Mall.	
Thanks to LCPD

--Fishy Gas Tank
Objective- collect drugs and give to me!
My men and your men are trying their best fight other gangs, we are good
friends and you are always there to help me. I got a problem here. I was
supposed to have a drug deal behind the police station, but Bob died. So you
have to find those drugs for me. Once you find them, throw them into the sea.
Throw into the sea near Colonel Cortez's party; it's easier for my men to look
for them.
Drug- They are contained into cans of gas bomb.
Thanks to LCPD

--Black and White
Objective- kill Mark
Mark was the boss of Malibu, but since you took over. He hates you a lot!  He's
planning something big to get you in trouble. Get him before he gets you. He's
either getting suntan in the beach around 2:00 pm or at the Pole Position at
1:00 am.	
Mark- Fat man, blue shorts.
Thanks to LCPD

--Hit Man
Objective-kill, kill, and kill some more
Here are the targets:
1.Tony- Red jacket, blue jeans (follow him for 15 minutes before you do
anything)
2.Johnny-Black jacket, red top (follow him for 5 minutes before you kill him)
3.Mark's brother Fon- White top, blue jeans (You can find him in a coach bus)	
Thanks to LCPD

--Miami Vice
First, jack an undercover cop's Cheetah. It has to be silver, though. Now, use
a code and change Tommy's appearance to look like a well-dressed African
American man. Now hire a bodyguard, and get into the Cheetah with you. Start
driving fast, and start up the Vigilante missions. You're now pimping it up
just like Miami Vice! You're Tubbs, and the bodyguard is Crockett! And the
Cheetah looks similar to the car driven in the actual show!! The only problem
is the bodyguard turns back into a normal civilian as soon as you start the
mission. But you can still drive fast and prevent it from escaping!  Thanks to
Sepiroth154.

--Ladies' Man
Objective- pick up hookers
Fernando wants chicks for his show. It's his first time on TV, and he wants to
look good. Go get a nice car, pick up girls and get to the building VCN near
the Ammunation shop in Downtown. Get 6 girls, oh yeah baby	
Thanks to LCPD

--Love Fist
Objective- get drug for them
Fernando's very happy with the girls you picked. Love Fist's in town and they
want the stuff! Almost EVERY shop in Vice City sells drugs, you just have to
ask them. Love Juices' are very expensive, so don't buy from them. Get a
shotgun point at a shopkeeper and when he puts the money on the counter, shoot
him! The stuff is hidden inside the stack of money. After you got every store's
underground drug, then go to Recording Studio. When you get there, go upstairs
and drop the stuff on the way.	
Thanks to LCPD

--Tough Guy
Objective- destroy Bunch of Tools
That little kitty won't pay me protection. He will learn. Do me a favor, please
Tommy. Remember the gas cans? Get them from the same location again. This time,
they are real. Now get to Bunch of Tools, make sure you are going to the right
one. Get a nice gun, blow the windows, throw the gas in there and leave that
little kitty cry.	
Thanks to LCPD

--Killing Fatties
Objective- get down to the lighthouse in Ocean Beach and shoot 10 fat guys in
bathing suits in 2 minutes or less. Thanks to DarthTodd.

--Black Eye
Objective- snipe target at night
Someone has been watching your works, watching every step you are taking. He's
no donut eater or big boy. HE'S A REPORTER!! He took a lot of pictures of you.
Kill him and collect the photos.
Reporter- Holiday tomorrow; he will go to dance in Malibu.  When you get there,
don't just walk right to the dance floor. Walk around the back and go upstairs.
Snipe him!
Reporter-Purple suit (the one more closer to stage)
After all that, go to his apartment. His camera is hidden inside a chainsaw.
Apartment-In first island. Ocean Beach. An apartment near Pay N Spray. It may
be hard to find, try your best.
Thanks to LCPD	
	
--Nice Action
Objective-Movie!
Steve Scott's having a problem making a movie. He needs actors that know how to
fight! He tried Jackie Chan, but they couldn't understand each other. This is
the only way! Go mess with the boys (VC sharks or the dragon gangs) hit and
run, so they follow you. Now run to the studio where Candy Suxxx did the porno
movie with the angry gang chasing you. Get in there and turn around. Bam! Beat
them up as the film is rolling! Actors and action for free!
Thanks to LCPD

--Birthday Wish
Objective- kill the birthday man
It's Jones' birthday. But I cannot tell you any more detail between me and him.
Some deal problem, you know. He told me that he wants a heli for birthday, so
we will send him one! Jones' party-It held on top of a building "Pool Party".
It is near Malibu Club, I'm sure you won't miss it with your helicopter. I
haven't seen him for a whole 4 years, I'm not sure if he changed or not. Just
kill everybody!	
Thanks to LCPD

--Hunter Hunting
Objective- go down to the Fort Baxter Air Base in Little Havana and steal the
Hunter without dieing and not using the cop uniform. Now, fly it back to the
Vercetti Estate. Thanks to Theo90. 	

--This Will Teach Those Pigs
The police have had certain drug runners in Vice City under surveillance for
around 2 weeks now. We want the police to stop. To do this we will need your
help. First, go steal a police car. Then, take it to 8-Ball's Bomb Shop in
Little Havana. Rig it with a bomb and drive to the multistory police station by
the Malibu Club in Washington. Park it near one of the 2 squad cars and blow it
up while watching from across the street to make sure one of the cars blew up.
If it didn't, you fail the mission. Now, go steal yet another police car and
mow down 25 cops outside of the North Point Mall. After that, go and steal
another car that isn't a police vehicle. Get it sprayed and mission passed. If
you get wasted or busted, mission failed. Good Luck. You will need it.

--Take Over
Objective- take over!
Yesterday I told 10 men to dress as Cubans and go rob the bank near the West
Haven Community Healthcare Center. BUT! I just found out they were traitors!
They are going to take the money home! And I don't like that! Tommy, go there
and take over. Kill my men dressed as Cubans and go rob the bank yourself! My
men should already unlock the lock; you just go up stairs and grab the money in
the manager's room. Then, escape of course!	
Thanks to LCPD
	
--My Own Way
Objective- destroy your file
I saw someone copied my idea of deleting your file. Well, I don't like to
repeat things all the time. SO! We are going to do this differently!
Get in a good car, and go wild. Once the city's wild, they won't pay attention
to little things. At 5:00pm, your file will be transferred to
Liberty City by a SWAT Team truck. There are at least 5 of them, just to be
sure, destroy all 5!	
Thanks to LCPD
	
--Pizza Hot!
Objective- Get pizza car and kill Bobby
Bobby got my stuff, got Cubans' stuff and some of your stuff, if you know what
I mean. Bobby orders Pizza everyday. Follow this: Go to North Point mall and
get a costume from "Tooled Up" then go to Pizza shop in first island. Kill
pizza guy then go around the back, grab the scooter and go. Have your favorite
gun with you.
Bobby- Guard at Mailbu (left door watch at 7:00pm)
Make sure you tell him that you are sent by me before he dies, ok? Thanks	
Thanks to LCPD

--Friday The 13th
Objective- go to the Malibu Club and get the Bank Job outfit and then go get a
Machete. Now, kill 30 people. Then, go to the Vercetti Estate without getting
Busted or Wasted and mission passed. Thanks to Darth Todd.

--Broken Knuckles
Objective- go and kill 25 cops with your fists but no brass knuckles. You fail
if you get Wasted or Busted. You must do it in 10 minutes. Thanks to Theo90.

--Mobile Advertising
Objective: cruise around Vice City for 24 hours in a Coach, with the radio on
full blast, and the tuner set to Wave 103.  If you complete this mission, you
are the true master of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.  Remember, you must remain
at the wheel, and no mute buttons. Thanks to Succotashi.

--Gift
Objective- rob jewel
My girls are having a very important event. They want to look good. Get some
shinny chains of balls for me.
1. "Jewel's" in first island
2. "Jewel's" in second island
Oh by the way, since you are there already, take the money too.
Thanks to LCPD

--8-ball
Objective- help 8-ball
8-ball's dad just died, he can't take over his dad's business since no one
thinks 8-ball can do a good job. Help him!! Go to his shop and armed with bomb,
then blow cars up in these places to show everybody that 8-ball can do a good
job!
1. Vice Point
2. Ocean View
3. Downtown
Park your bombed cars in the middle of the road and BOOM!
Thanks to LCPD	

--Caddy Crisis
Objective- go and steal a Caddy from the golf course. Now, drive by 25 people
and then get the Caddy resprayed after. Now get the Caddy back to the Vercetti
Estate. You fail if you get Busted, Wasted, or get out of the Caddy.
Thanks to Theo90.
	
--Wet Sofa
Objective-kill the golf folks
These losers beat me to it, I was playing golf on Sunday like always, you know?
I missed my shot! I was pissed, so I swung my golf stick and hit one of the old
men. THEY followed me all the way back to my house!! These guys escaped once
they saw my men with shotguns!! You HELP ME! Kill them! ONLY THE MALES!
Number of Golf guys- 20!	
Thanks to LCPD

--Malibu Mayhem
The cops have been busting our distributors all over the city. We need to show
them who they are messing with.
Objectives: First shoot the cowgirl. That should give you one. Go up the stairs
and start sniping the dancers and people dancing. That will give you 2 to 3
stars. Go downstairs grab you minigun and shoot the remaining people with it.
That should be 4-5 stars. Go back up the stairs and grab your sniper rifle.
Shoot the police that you see. When there are almost none left, go back down
and grab your Colt Python and shoot every policeman you see. That should be 6
stars. If you don't get 6 stars, keep shooting upcoming cops. Then dash out of
the Malibu and grab a vehicle. Dodge the police vehicles and tanks and get to
the Pay N Spray without dieing. Thanks to Super Shadow.
	
--Weapons Delivery
Objective- get the arms cargo!
Phil Cassidy always gets me all the good guns I need, but he over slept
yesterday and didn't pick up the trucks. Some thieves stole them and drove
around the block!
Trucks- they have boxes of guns in the back of the truck
The thieves drive them around in Vice Port. There are 5 of them! Park them on
the side of 8-ball's shop. My men will pick them up one by one. Do this at
night only! You hear? Kill the losers too!	
Thanks to LCPD

--Keep It In The Closet
Objective- kill all reporters
"......"
I'm very depressed, Tommy. My racer lost his race. WHAT A SHAME!! Reporters are
outside ready to take pictures of losers and me!! I don't want a picture of me
when I lost!! Tommy! Come! Quick, go to Hyman Memorial Stadium.  Kill all the
reporters, please Tommy.
Reporters- The ones with cameras (20) of them 	
Thanks to LCPD

--Big Fat Cow
Objective- kill the racer
I know. I'm sorry that I always have you do the dirty works for me. But hey! We
are friends!!  Ok! This racer that I talked about yesterday. He belonged to a
biker gang close to the one Mitch Baker owns. He got companies, you see? He
blamed on me that he lost his stupid race. He'll learn not to mess with me!
Kill him and his friends that are going to ambush me.
Racer- A guy on Angel bike, bold, skinny
His friends- two in Pole Position at 3:45 at night, one outside of the biker
shop next to Greasy Chopper at 6:00pm. 	
Thanks to LCPD

--Hot Ring
Objective- get a good place for my new racer
Sorry if I sounded weird before. I don't know if you got what I was saying, but
did you try gassy? You get the drug hidden in the gas can and then you go buy
the powder hidden in the armor from the weapon shop. Lock yourself in the room
and fill the room with it. It's Great! Anyway, I need your help again. My new
racer's a good driver, but I want him to start the race with a good placement.
So can you do the placement run for him? Go to Hyman Memorial Stadium when the
event is up and drive for him, get 1st, 2nd or 3rd! Doesn't really matter!	
Thanks to LCPD

--Money Back
Objective- get money
Colonel Cortez came back to Vice City to visit his daughter and also came for a
deal. Well. The deal didn't go so well. I know Umberto and you are pretty good
friends too. But his boys were the one that took the money! They shared the
money to every gang member, so you got to kill at least 50 Cubans near Cafe
Robina to get back enough money from them.	
Thanks to LCPD

--2 Wheels Party
Objective- do tricks with a pcj-600 in front of camera
Steve needs your help with part of the movie. He parked his stretch outside
your mansion. He has his camera facing outside in his car. Now go find a PCJ-
600, then get the stretch. Park the stretch on the side of the road and do
tricks with your bike near it as the camera's recording everything you is
doing.	
Thanks to LCPD

--Searching For What?
Objective- bring box and key to me
Auntie Poulet has a gift for me, tea that can control minds!! She puts the tea
in a box inside a voodoo car near her house, and drive it to Malibu. There are
5-6 dancers on stage. The key keeper's costume's a fire fighter. Kill him and
get the key. Put your key on top of the box and park the voodoo car in the 2nd
floor Car park of North Point Mall.	
Thanks to LCPD
	
--My Hero
Objective- make Haitian go away
One of my places is bothered by Haitians. These suckers are drinking my coffee
without paying. Get them for me! (3 groups of them). My coffee shop's name is
Cafe Under The Tree in Little Haiti.
Thanks to LCPD	

--Kill The Undead
Objective- blow Timmy up
Timmy's my middleman between my money and me.
He knows my plan, my numbers, and everything is in his computer! So I sent men
to kill him in his sleep. Some how he lived and is staying in Shay Palms
Hospital in the first Island. He's getting a better treatment and is going to
be transferred to another hospital at 5:00pm. Get a police car, and arm it with
bomb. Get to the hospital and park it in front of the main entrance of the
hospital. Now leave that area on foot and blow it up at 5:15pm.	
Thanks to LCPD
	
--Laser In Your Head
Objective- snipe these people
The undercover cops are everywhere, near your mansion; near my places. There
are some outside my shop in Washington Mall. Get to the Car park on top of the
Mall, and zoom to find them!
Undercover cops-Red jacket, blue jeans or black jacket (6 of them).	
Thanks to LCPD
	
--Danger
Objective- Show your power
I had enough with these donut eaters!! They have a file of you and me again!
YES!! AGAIN!! Last month, you were the Crazy wild killer in town...You will be
even crazier!! Go to Vice City Police Department in the first island, and get 6
stars like before!! Then to show all of us that you are the chosen one, Destroy
3 tanks!! GO Tommy GO!!	
Thanks to LCPD
	
--A Friendly Reminder
Tommy, It's me again. LCPD seems to value your handiwork, but of course, he
can't offer you what I can now can he. First I need you to go to the Police
station in Ocean Beach, I left a Police Uniform and nightstick for you to take,
put it on and take one of the squad cars in the parking lot. Now that you look
like a cop, go to the Jewelry Store near Well Stacked Pizzas in Vice Point.
LCPD has a large investment in that jewelry store, so I need you to make his
man behind the counter think he's busted. I suggest getting the point across on
the end of a nightstick. Once you have disposed of him I need you to bust the
rest of the employees, turn on your police radar and bust three waves of his
men. When you have properly ousted his grip on the Vice Point Diamond district
take the cruiser to my garage in Sunshine autos. I appreciate your help Tommy.
I'll be contacting you again soon if you complete this mission.
Thanks to PenguinKnight

--Et Tu Tommy?
Tommy, I know LCPD has given you a good job as hit man but I can offer you
more, how would you like to be informed on the perfect Garage ready for
anything. Tommy, I'm talking to you.
Objective: LCPD has stolen my prized sports car! I want you to strike back and
take his prized pcj! He usually keeps it on a building near the Unique Jumps
Stunt Track the Sharks set up for their Friday night speed romps in Ocean
beach...you know, near the Malibu. Once you find the bike, you must push it
onto the street with a car, otherwise his alarm will go off and the sharks will
think you want to try out their stunt track. Now get on that bike. Be careful,
his men will know the Bike's gone in less than 10 seconds; they will be riding
PCJ's as well. Shoot them off before they shoot you! Remember not to get off
the bike or the autopilot will take it back to LCPD! Take it to the pay and
spray in Little Haiti where my men will change the color and equip it with a
tracking device so he'll never get it back! Now drive it to the hyman condos.
Do this for me and I will be very grateful. I'll be calling back soon.
Thanks to PenguinKnight

--Pretender
Objective- Kill groups of gang members from every single gang
Tommy! Are you working against me for someone else? I hope you're not. I want
you to prove me that you are still my friend! Go attack 1-3 groups of gang
members from every gang. Show me that you are not messing with me! Show me that
you have no connecting with them!!	
Thanks to LCPD

--Conciliation
It seems LCPD is getting a bit suspicious of you Tommy, it seems his little
trip gave him some perspective. Thanks to him and you Tommy, my connections to
the cartel has been severely wounded. I need you to repair these delicate
relations. I must make peace with the Cubans especially, for they seem to
personally know Gregorio Dominguez, who will be quite useful to me. First I
need you to lure some Haitians into Little Havana, and kill 3 of them in front
of a group of Cubans. This should prove you have a common enemy. To bring the
point home I need you to steal a voodoo and drive it to Cafe Robina's get out
and use a hammer to total the car. Make sure to knock out the hood, both doors,
and pop all the tires with a gun, to demonstrate your hate for the Haitians but
do NOT destroy it, drive it to my garage in sunshine autos. Now I need you to
take a Cuban Hermes and take a page out of LCPD's book and go on a killing
spree in Little Haiti, taking out Haitians until you have 3 stars, then take
out cops until you have 5. Now outrun the cops to the pay and spray in Sunshine
autos and park it in the same garage as the voodoo. I appreciate your help in
regaining the title of err... Senor Super Cajones. Hah. Keep your phone on
Tommy.
Thanks to PenguinKnight

--Show your faces
Objective- Kill the traitors in our gang
I knew it, Tommy! You are working for someone else. But as long as he doesn't
ruin my plans, then it's ok if you work for him a bit. Anyway, time for
business. Ever since Sonny died, you and me are the top bosses in Vice City. My
men work for you, your men work for me. We are equal!! Yesterday, Mario called
me. He told me that one of your men's planning something bad for our next deal.
Teach your kids! Kill at least 30 of your men.
LCPD's men- Red hair, sunglasses
Tommy's men-Brown hair, sunglasses, blue top
(You can find my men and your men talking outside your Mansion)
Thanks to LCPD

--Pedestrian Panic
This mission needs to be done in the locations given for each objective. If you
do not do them in the area given, you fail. If you get Wasted or Busted, you
fail. Here are the objectives:
Kill 15 men and 15 women inside North Point Mall.
Blow up 10 regular cars in the Washington Mall parking lot.

--Dead Dodo
This mission involves blowing up a Dodo that has a banner flying behind it. You
need to go steal either a Sea Sparrow or Hunter and go and blow it up with
either machine guns or missiles. Then, you must go directly to the Pay N Spray
and spray a car to get the police off of your tail. Now, go to the Film Studio
and blow up the Sea Skimmer that is by the little dock behind the Film Studio.
It will only appear if you have beaten the missions for the Film Studio. Now,
go get your car sprayed again. If you get busted or wasted, you fail.

--Aftermath: The Final Malibu Mission
Have to go to your mansion after you complete the Malibu missions, Phil
missions, and "keep your friends close"

Opening Scene
(You're sitting on your porch and you see Hilary drive up in a new yellow
Lambourghini, you walk up to the car door)
Tommy- Hey what the fuck is this Hilary. Is this what you call laying low? I
said not to buy anything big.
Hilary- but-but-but Tommy I-I thought-
Tommy- Well you f*cking thought wrong.  Get this outa here.
(Cam and Ken walk up)
Ken- What's going on Tommy?
Tommy- This prick doesn't know the meaning of laying- What the f*ck are those!
(points at the brand new Rolexes on their arms)
Cam- Uh, Tommy they're uh fake
Tommy- Give 'em to me (throws Rolexes on the ground and stomps on them
(crunching noises)) Now they're fake. I thought I told you guys to lay low.
What is this?  (gunshot-bird sqwalking hits the ground)  Sh*t. Don't move. Stay
right there.  (Sees Phil and walks over to him)
Phil- check this out Tommy, look it's a 14 karat gold plated Desert
Eagle
Tommy- That's it! Gimme the gun! (Hits Phil over the head with the
gun) What the f*ck did I tell you!? Get outa here, all of you.
(they all leave)

The bank job boys are getting antsy with their new money. Sever any ties
between you and the bank job.

Hilary's driving his yellow Lamborghini around Ocean Beach Make sure you find
him before the cops do and kill him without attracting too much police
attention.

Now you have to blow up each of Cam's, Ken's and Phil's places by using car
bombs from 8-ball and placing them by their houses without attracting too much
police attention.

You lose if you (A) die (B) get busted (C) don't kill everyone before
01:00 (D) attract two or more wanted stars
(Thanks to Steven Kuscher)


--Phil's Dryspell

Phil has run out of his beloved boomshine, and is actually more cranky when he
isn't drunk. Tommy, sick of Phil's irritation, decides he has to do something
about it. Go get any car and rob 10 out of 15 of the stores of all the liquoir
they have. Then drive to Phil's place and drop it off. Do this all without
getting a pay and spray, dying, or being busted. You may switch cars though.
(Thanks to Springy)


--Sonny's Revenge

It seems that Sonny some how survived your ordeal and is looking for a way to
get back at his old business partner Mr. Vercetti. What better way than to
annihilate Tommy's gang.  First change your suit so that you are in the Sonny
suit. Then armed with Brass Knuckles, A Baseball Bat, A regular Pistol, a
Stubby Shotgun, A Mac-10, A Ruger, Flamethrower, and a Sniper Rifle, steal a
limousine from somewhere other than the Vercetti Estate (I know they're rare
that's what makes this so hard). Next head to Tommy's mansion and kill exactly
50 Vercetti Gang members. Then escape the cops in style by taking the limo to a
pay and spray to get it painted. If you lose the limo or must switch the limo,
you lose.
(Thanks to Springy)

--Kamikaze Cop

The cops keep busting your button men and your drug dealers. They even went so
far as to threaten Ken Rosenberg the dirty pigs. Its time for Tommy to send
them a message and teach them who's really in charge around Vice City.  First
get dressed up in your cop uniform which we all love so much.  Next you must
find a Patriot from either Phil's Place or Interglobal Films.  Next take it
down to 8-Ball he'll know what to do with it. Get it suited with a bomb and
drive it to any police station of your choice then blow it up (obviously when
you're a distance away). Make sure you blow it up at the entrance. Once you've
finished the station of your choice, repeat this at all of the police stations.
(Thanks to Springy)

--Survival of the Fittest

Tommy's gang is weakening and other gangs are gaining power we can't let that
happen now can we. Tommy decides if his worthless gang can't do something about
it looks like he's going to have to do it himself. Travel to each part of town
where this gang hangs out and take out 30 of their men, leave no survivors.
1. Haitians- Little Haiti
2. Mall Goers- North Point Mall/Washington Mall
3. Cubans- Little Havana
4. Port Authorities- Vice Port (the guys in the lite blue jumpsuits)
5. Street Wannabes- Prawn Island
6. Golfers- Leaf Links Golf Course
7. Bikers- Near the Greasy Chopper
After killing 30 of each gang you may drive your car to a pay and spray but not
during the killing only before and after
(Thanks to Springy)

--Ken's Breaking Point

Whether it's because of two much cocaine or not enough or maybe even two much
stress, Ken Rosenberg, Vice City's most prestige lawyer finally snapped. Armed
with an Minigun Ken is going to teach Vice City that the little guy really does
matter. First put in the code to get the ken suit, then by some means get the
minigun and tons of ammo you'll need it.  First go to the mall and kill at
least 100 people more if you desire, cops are included as people. Next go
outside and destroy 20 cars, cop cars count as well. Luckilly Ken has his good
friend Tommy to help him out, Tommy agreed that he will pay for police bribes,
the pay and spray bill and all the money spent on armor, what a nice guy :).
After destroying all 20 cars killing 100 people in the mall and somehow finding
your way out of trouble, Ken becomes paranoid yet again. Now get a flamethrower
and tons of ammo, you will once again need it. Then light fire to another 30
people Tommy agrees to help out again. Drive your car to another pay and spray
and be on your way (that rhymes :P). If at any time your busted or are killed
you lose and the Vercetti gang will never be the same.
(Thanks to Springy)

--Getting your Feet Wet With Fire

Those Damn Haitians are smuggling your drugs, and the port authorities are
allowing this to happen. The only problem is that the Haitians are smuggling
them using real company cars that they have stolen and hired drivers for.
Tommy won't stand for this! First go down to Vice port and steal a company car
then take it somewhere with water and drive as fast as you can toward the
water, then bail right before the car hits the water. The car should sink to
the depths of the ocean. Do this with five of the shipping trucks to ruin the
Haitians Economy, but your not done yet. You still have to teach those dirty
Haitians a thing or two go steal a voodoo and take it to 8-ball's bomb shop
have it acquitted with a bomb and take it to a place highly crowded with
Haitians, let them recognize you then get out of the car and run. Once you're
at a safe distance blow up the car, and collect the dead Haitian's money, so
you can send it to Auntie Poulet as a token of your victory.
(Thanks to Springy)

--"Cartop sniper"
Hey Tommie, it is Phil.  Guess what.. I got a real good job for ya. I need ya
to get at those Cubans for stealing my guns and boomshine, so hop on top of car
in Little Havana and get out that .308 cause your gonna have some fun...   ya
gotta take out at least 20 cuban gangsters and only with head shots, you are
only aloud to have 5 body shots or you fail, yunno cause I want them and them
cops to know that Phil Cassidy's got 'em a real expert and don't nobody mess
with him.  So you can use ma hummer but get er a new pant job and an engine
fixin before ya bring er back, okey doke see ya.
(Thanks to Metallicafan21)

--"Sniper at at the cafe"
Hey there Tommie it's Avery, i need ya to take care of some cuban gangsters for
me in Little Havana.  Ya see they screwed with some of my buildin sites and i
dont know what i'd do without a buddy like you to take care of em fer me. I
want you to get into one of them crazy cuban gangster getups and make six stars
worth of trouble for em. Snipe everything ya can from behind the wall across
the street in the alley of cafe Robina. then hightail it back to a pay'n spray
near ya, if that dont just light a fire under thier a$$e$ i dont know what
will. You can use a hummer from ole phil's if ya need one. I'll catch ya later
tommie.
(Thanks to Metallicafan21)

--"Jason XI Terror in ViceCity"
If your really into havin some fun then check this mission out. You'll need:
1. the bank job out fit.(you can get it from the malibu upstairs after doing
the mission)
2. a chainsaw (can be aquired by getting 20 secret packages or you can by it a
a tools store)
3.and an IMAGINAAAAAAAATION
You pass the mission when you have gotten six stars and and killed at least 50
people
you get 2grand for every 10 kills up to 50 where you get a bonus of 5grand
making a total of 15 grand for completing this mission. If you get busted or
die you lose.
(Thanks to Metallicafan21)

--"Paulet's asasin"
"Aaaaaay! Tummie i knuw yud be air, becuz when mz cleooooo i mean auntie paulet
comes a callin then ole Tummie cumes a knockin' mon.""Anywayz mon, i need you
to get rida few my boyz na, they been get'n really rowdy wit my har lately seem
day ben breakin up all my plantz and tings a dat sort na"." i want ya to take
care'a dem boyz fer ma, ok Tummie?" "Juz make sure you get at least 15 of em
from on top of  a car, mon." Juz becuz itll take more than a punnie uzi to take
carufem,ok Tummie?" "Now i needz ya to get your old cubano gang outfit together
from the little havana streetware & tatoo parlor, and that otta get that there
attention offa me and back onthe freakin cubanos where it shooda been allalong,
good luck Tummie!" "Come visit me and ill have somtin special for ya infront of
my house ifen ya get the job doon right."
(Thanks to metallicafan21)


-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Series Of Made Up Missions
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

This section is for made up missions that have a series to them.

=======================================================================

                          The Russian Mafia Missions

--Russian Mafia Mission #1: Cry Baby
(Telephone rings) Ah, Comrade Vercetti, what a pleasant surprise.  My name is
Pishkin.  Many a day has passed since I last saw you.  Liberty City wasn't it?
Anyways, let us skip the pleasantries and get down to business.  The Russian
Mafia has been interested in developing business in the Vice City Area.
However, we had been unable to establish ourselves, due to local sentiments
against communists.  Now, our goal is to give the people something else to
worry about.  As you well know, the Washington Police Station has some tear gas
around the back.  Pick up a police uniform, and the tear gas.  I would like you
to release the gas in the Malibu Club, the Pole Position Club, the Vice Point
Mall, and the Washington Mall.  Our hope is that police brutality will become
the cities main concern.
Objectives:
Collect the Tear Gas Canisters and the Police Uniform from the Washington
Police Station.  Borrow a squad car, and release the gas in the following
locations:
Malibu Club
Pole Position Club
Vice Point Mall
Washington Mall
If you are wasted, busted, or run out of canisters before reaching the last
location, you fail the mission.

--Russian Mafia Mission #2: Cross Town Rivals
(Telephone rings) Comrade Vercetti, good news.  Our drug operation has been set
up, and we are currently producing at full capacity.  However, we have been
unable to distribute our goods on the mainland.  The Haitians and Cubans are to
blame.  Their dealers have control of the market in their respective areas.
Take out the enemy dealers, so my dealers can distribute our good.  If you
complete this mission, we will let you in to our base of operations
Objectives:
Travel to Little Haiti and kill 20 Haitians
Travel to Little Havana and kill 30 Cubans
If you are wasted or busted before reaching the quotas, you fail the mission

--Russian Mafia Mission #3: Betrayal
(Telephone Rings) I am Fedotenko, Pishkin's second-in-command.  Comrade
Vercetti, Pishkin has told me much about you.  He will be attending a funeral
back in Mother Russia.  For years, I have been Pishkin's second-in-command.  I
have watched as he pitifully struggled to establish himself.  I have wanted to
eliminate him myself, but that would put me in bad standing with the homeland.
With you here, I can now complete my plan.  You have nothing to fear, as you
have not yet reached the mafia hierarchy.  Pishkin's flight will be leaving in
3 hours.  I do not have enough time to give you a description of Pishkin.  Get
to Escobar International and kill everyone there.  With Pishkin out of the way,
I will be in control, and I will see to it that you are handsomely rewarded.
Objectives: Get to Escobar International Airport. Once there, enter the
terminal and kill 15 civilians before Pishkin's flight leaves. If you are
wasted or busted before reaching the quota, you fail the mission.

--Russian Mafia Mission #4: Grand Theft Aero
(Telephone Rings)  Tommy, good to hear from you.  The plan went off without a
hitch.  Pishkin is gone, and I am in command.  Once we complete our next major
objective, you will receive your reward.  In preparation, we will need some
flying vehicles.  The vehicles should be delivered to Hyman Memorial Stadium,
where my men will take care of them.  The vehicles we need are a Maverick, a
Police Maverick, a VCN Maverick, a Sparrow, a Sea Skimmer, and a Hunter.  If
possible, we would also like a Sea Sparrow.
Objectives:
Deliver the following vehicles to Hyman Memorial Stadium:
Maverick
Police Maverick
VCN Maverick
Sparrow
Sea Skimmer
Hunter
(Optional)
Deliver a Sea Sparrow to Hyman Memorial Stadium
If you are wasted or busted before reaching the quota, you fail the mission.

--Russian Mafia Mission #5: Havoc
(Telephone Rings)  Tommy, it is time for us to strike.  The VCPD are at their
most vulnerable now.  We need you to take a Hunter, and cause as much
devastation to the VCPD as possible.
Objectives:
Destroy a minimum of 10 Police Squad Cars
Destroy a minimum of 25 SWAT Enforcers and FBI Ranchers
Destroy a minimum of 20 Barracks Ols
If you are wasted or busted before reaching the quota, you fail the mission

--Prologue to Russian Mafia Missions:
Comrade Tommy, it has been good working with you.  Our operation is generating
millions daily.  The VCPD dare not interfere.  However, I believe it is time to
extinguish our contract.  Goodbye Tommy. (Fedotenko pulls gun on Tommy, but
Tommy is too quick.  Tommy knocks the gun out of Fedotenko's hand, pulls out
his python and blows Fedotenko's brains out.)

Thanks to Succotashi for the Russian Mafia Missions.

=======================================================================

                        The Brotherhood Missions

Background:
The Brotherhood is an underground organization that prefers to remain in the
dark.  Information about their location, leader, and operations is scarce.
However, it is known that those with information about the Brotherhood have
disappeared without a trace.  It also seems that those who wish to contact the
Brotherhood have disappeared.  In short, it would be wise to not even
acknowledge their presence.

--Brotherhood Mission #1: Contact
(While out at the Pole Position Club, the private pole dancer hands Tommy a
business card with a location and a time.  Junkyard, 10:30.  Tommy shows up at
the Junkyard at 10:30 with the business card in his pocket, and a python in his
hand.  A masked stranger approaches)
You are Mr. Vercetti, I presume?  I am #8.  If you wish to learn more, take
this envelope.
(Tommy accepts the envelope.  Inside there is a letter)
Mr. Vercetti, it has come to our attention that you may be interested in our
organization.  In order for us to assure that you can be contacted further, you
must complete 2 tasks.  First, gain a full wanted level, steal 2 tanks, and
deposit them both at the junkyard without visiting a Pay-And-Spray, or
collecting police bribes.  The second task is that you must acquire a Hunter
from Fort Baxter without collecting a police uniform.  This is to assure that
you are both cunning and stealthy.  If you accomplish these two tasks, we will
contact you once again.
Objectives:
First, attain a full six-star wanted level.
Steal 2 tanks and take them to the Junkyard.
Next, steal a Hunter and take it to the Junkyard.
If you are wasted, busted, or cheat, or if you visit a Pay-and-Spray or collect
a police bribe, you fail the mission.

--Brotherhood Mission #2: Test of Survival
(A note is left on Tommy's desk at the Vercetti Estate)
Mr. Vercetti, I believe we can now establish open lines of contact.  I am #4.
I belong to the Brotherhood.  I believe it is time you got acquainted with our
organization.  We have a hierarchy of power.  As you can tell, I am fourth from
the top of the chain.  The founder of our organization, #1, has granted me
permission to scout another possible member.  Currently, our organization
consists of twenty men, each with a numeric designation. The first test for all
candidates is a test of survival.  Acquire a Baggage Handler.  Blow out all
four tires.  Gain a six-star wanted level.  Your goal is to survive for 1 hour.
You must remain in the vehicle at all times, and you must remain on a main road
within Escobar International Airport.  Once you have outlasted the Army for 1
hour, remain in the vehicle, and proceed to the mall in Vice Point.  Enter, and
pickup the casual outfit from Gash.  Once you have completed these tasks, you
are free to collect a police bribe or visit a pay-and-spray.
Objectives:
Find a Baggage Handler at Escobar International Airport.
Gain a six star wanted level.
Survive for one hour against the army.
After having survived for 1 hour, proceed to the mall in Vice Point.
Enter the mall, and collect the Casual outfit in front of Gash
If you are wasted, busted, or cheat, leave the Baggage Handler at any time, or
leave Escobar International Airport before reaching 1 hour, you fail the
mission

--Brotherhood Mission #3: Trial by Fire
(Tommy receives a telephone call)
Mr. Vercetti, you completed the first test with high marks.  The second test is
a trial by fire.  You must kill 100 law enforcement officers with either a
Flamethrower, or Molotov Cocktails.  Civilian kills do not add to your total,
and neither do gang member kills.  Once you have reached the requirements, go
to the Junkyar