______ ,-' '--__--,___, / ,,',__,___,< ,--, ,--, / /\_|___|__|_| ,--, ,--, /--| /------/ | |/ / / / / | |_| | / | '- -' | / __ ,| / /--/_,--,___, | _ | / , | / / | . \ / _'''|| ||\ , / | | | | / __ | / / | | \ \ '' ''' \ \ \-______,,' | | | | / / | | / / '-' --' \ \ |___--, '--' '--' -- -- -- \, ----,,/ '-----, ,-----------------, | K~CHAT SCRIPT | ,-------------------------------------------------------, |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-TABLE OF CONTENTS-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| |---------------------------------------------------------| | 1 - Introduction............................. | | 2 - Script................................... | | i - Jezz Torrent......................... | | ii - Farewell Ranch...................... | | iii - Giggle Cream....................... | | iv - Complete the Look................... | | v - Jezz Torrent - Pools of Pain......... | | vi - The American Thing!................. | | vii - Pet Stuffers....................... | | viii - Sissy Spritze..................... | | ix - Michelle Carapadis.................. | | x - The Military......................... | | xi - Commercial Break.................... | | xii - Yuppie and the Alien............... | | xiii - BJ's Used Autos................... | | xiv - Michelle Carapadis - Callers....... | | xv - Giggle Cream........................ | | xvi - Exploder........................... | | xvii - Mr Zoo............................ | | xviii - Pit Balm......................... | | xix - Just the Five of Us................ | | xx - Mr Zoo: On the Phones............... | | xxi - Pastor Richards Statue............. | | xxii - Maibatsu Thunder.................. | | xxiii - Gethsemanee...................... | | xxiv - Farewell Ranch.................... | | xxv - Exploder Survival Knife............ | | xxvi - Gethsemanee - Coven Leader Phil... | | xxvii - BJ's Fit for Football............ | | xxviii - Domestobot...................... | | xxix - BJ Smith.......................... | | xxx - Musty Pines........................ | | xxxi - Knife After Dark.................. | | xxxii - BJ Smith - Comeback.............. | | xxxiii - Degenatron...................... | | xxxiv - Salivex.......................... | | xxxv - Claude Maginot.................... | | xxxvi - D'Leo and Furax.................. | | xxxvii - Ammu-Nation..................... | | xxxviii - Claude Maginot - Phones........ | | xxxix - Maibatsu Thunder................. | | xl - Advice about Reds................... | | xli - Pastor Richard's Statue............ | | xlii - Thor.............................. | | xliii - Medallion Man.................... | | xliv - Synth and Son..................... | | xlv - Thor - Phones...................... | | xlvi - Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts......... | | xlvii - Think Your Way to Success........ | | xlviii - Complete the Look............... | | 3 - Links to the Past........................ | | 4 - Version History.......................... | | 5 - Thanks................................... | | 6 - Contact.................................. | | 7 - Copyright................................ | |_________________________________________________________| | | | Author: dark52 | | Version: 4.0 | | Last Updated: 25/06/09 | | Website: http://gta.darkspyro.net/ | | Email: darkgta(at)gmail(dot)com | |____________________________________| ,-----------------------------------------------------------------------------, |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-INTRODUCTION~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| '-----------------------------------------------------------------------------' Hello and welcome to my scripting for the radio station of Vice City known as K-Chat. I decided to write out the entire dialogue of the station for very little reason other then I had finished the game to 100% and had completed all of my Walkthrough already. OK then, the script starts at the beginning of the track on the disk, the interview with Jezz Torrent. ,-----------------------------------------------------------------------------, |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~SCRIPT~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~--~| '-----------------------------------------------------------------------------' ,--------, ,--------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Jezz Torrent |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  | '--------' '--------------' '--------' AMY God, can we play more commercials on this station? This station is about me. What? Oh, hmm, Hi, I'm Amy. So right. We're back, I'm here with like, oh my god this is so exciting, but now I'm here with Jezz Torrent, a Rock god all the way from Scotland, England. So Jezz, I'm sorry as you can tell oooooooh, I'm a really huge fan of Love Fist. JEZZ Hey, hey, hey, hey, Dinnae say sorry babe, you are a woman of substance and I like that. AMY Thanks, yeah, thanks, that's cool, and oh, Jezz, who is that thing with you? JEZZ Ah dinnae mind Mandy, I think she's zoning out a little bit aren't ya man, look she's gotta take me 24/7, you know what I'm saying, poor lassie she's had a torrent of Jezz more than one girl can take eh, say hello man. MANDY Hi Paul, angle, where are we? JEZZ Err, the rock lifestyle hasnae been too good to her, man just go away and sit in a lavvy until I'm finished hen. MANDY Check the fridge. AMY Is she ok, I mean apart from being an UGLY CHEAP COW, she looks half dead. JEZZ Aye, she, hey, hey, hey, seriously man dinnae cramp my style, I'm an artist you know. AMY Uh, heh, ok jezzy, so Jezz, I was listening to your album on my boom box all weekend, like how is it, aaah, I mean you know, you're really, totally famous, no wait, I mean, uuuuhhh like, so anyway, How. Are. You? JEZZ Cool Man, I'm cool, things are good, you cant O.D. on love, and I have tried. The tour is really something special, you Americans, you really know how to rock and roll man, not like back home. AMY I'm so confused, is that because the new album didn't do so well in the UK? JEZZ It's that facist Thatcher, I sing about working class people, trying to make it through a tough life, I sing about the things they want, trashing hotel rooms, wearing glitter on your eyes, and waking up in a ditch next to a totalled sports car, when you make minimum wage, love conquers all, know what I mean Sheila? AMY Uh, the names Amy, heh JEZZ Aye right, what ever. Like as was sayin man, right, I'm an artist, I ain't in this for the money, if I were, would I be wearing these clothes? It's because the critics don't know, you know, they stand there and they do not know, have they ever really listened to the lyrics to Bury Me Deep Inside? Eh, if the music isn't what they want to hear, if the songs ain't the right songs, you know, if things aren't in their space, or whatever, right man, you know that's my choice you know, because man I am Love Fist and the thing is right they're not, and if they don't get it, and if they're not riding my wave that day man, well, you know, I ain't gonna go crying puppies, just because their dog is teething you know, as far as these idiots are concerned I'm a man, but I tell you sweet heart I've been over to the other side baby, and man, oh, man it's beautiful, but these idiots man, they've not been there. AMY Ok, riiiight, this last album wasn't your best selling, was it. I don't even think it charted in the UK! JEZZ What is a chart man? A piece of paper, bring that to a concert and I'll set it on FIRE. I ain't no Ronald Reagan of rock babe, album charts are a metaphor for human isolation, and the break down of interaction. And I say it's time to ROCK. Right Mand? MANDY Right Jimmy. JEZZ That's right, because I say it is, because sweet heart... MANDY I left the stove on. JEZZ ...oh man, I am Love Fist, the biggest band in the world. AMY Yeah, but you and Dick, and Percy, and Willie, you're all Love Fist, the four Scottish horsemen of the apocalypse, Fist Till Morning, Take it on the Chin, Zink Deficiency, Four Boys Against Your Face, great tracks, what memories, and here you say you dedicate the album to the children of the night, who are they? JEZZ No, no, no, no sweet heart man, babe, let's get one thing straight, here, hello, *taps mic* are we recording here, this is for the record right, testing, testing, testing, now listen. Love-Fist-Is-Jezz-Torrent, I sing the songs sweet heart, it's my face on the merchandise, you see us in concert see four men, rockin' and dancin' with tears in their eyes. you will see, I am Love Fist, he who pays the piper, plays the tune. AMY Oooohhhh, I didn't know you had a piper in the band. JEZZ Love, I was talking metaphorically, I'm a poyet, condensed meaning, enlightenment, we're a family living in death valley, but I walk alone, I am on a spiritual journey, and if Percy or Dick, or anybody stands in my way, the contract says I'll walk, I've been dragged back, and held down, and embarrassed by those guys, but you know, its part of being in a band man, like wearing make-up. AMY Yeah, but wasn't Percy voted guitarist of the year by Kerrap Rock Monthly? JEZZ Look, I love the whole bit with the fuzzy guitar bit, but he's over rated love, right, without the Torrents of Abuse, Love Fist would be over, and the new contract reflects that, as an artist it's really important that I make a lot of money right Mand. You need to keep you and your fringe and your diamonds and that, eh? MANDY yeah, rock on, keith, roger, what a trip. JEZZ Ah, shut up ya silly tart. AMY Uh, let's take a caller. Hello, oh, ooh, wuh.. you're on the line with Love Fist. Hi. WAYNE Yo, this is Wayne man, hoh, Hey guys, I'm on the phone with love fist, Hey what's up Jezz, I'm a huge fan, I go to all of your concerts, I get crazy, I wear my Love Fist t-shirt everyday, even when I'm with my old lady, hey I heard there's subliminal messages in your video, is that true? JEZZ Listen, seriously, the big hair, the limousines, the girls, the partying, the clubs, the hotel suites, another TV smashed into a thousand pieces right? After my unfortunate incident in Cleveland, I told the press, I don't like Mondays. This livens up the day, if you're asking me if we was using backmasking, the music is reversible, but time is not, do you want me to say, Congratulations you have just discovered the secret message, dreams are made to be broken, like so many broken dreams, I want to pick up the pieces together, god.. I am so creative, love, oh wow, I think I've just wrote a song. Maybe I'll write a song about you. Eh. But anyway, like I say, that stuff it doesnae matter, not for me, I'm a spiritual person on a journey, right? And nothing will stand in my way, you know. AMY Boy, do I. On the track Satan's Pillows, you sang about how a broken heart can... JEZZ Bout how a broken heart can't ever be mended, just broken again, I know, really powerful stuff, emotional, I think that song says everything that needs to be said about love man, when you belong to the night, its best to take advantage of it, and what takes you up, will take you down man, if everyone remembered that, the world would be ok, thanks love, you are a real smart cookie. AMY Thanks Jezz, now, do you think it's important that, well, I mean, you're a great looking guy, even though your girlfriend is a CHEAP TRAMP, but do you think that it's important that rock and roll bands look good? Or is it about the music? JEZZ Like I said, I'm a creature with two faces babe, you know, an angel and a devil. And that means it's really important to look good, music cannot stand on its own, you need to look good singin' it. I'm tired of people saying all we care about is partying, and that we cannae play, if we couldnae play, then people wouldnae come to our concerts, we're not going away, and if we do it wont be on purpose. MANDY Where are we dear creek JEZZ We're on the radio love, stop dagging me down, I told ya, if you ride a whirlwind, don't be surprised when the dawn breaks, anyway, where were we? AMY AAAAAHHHH, she's really getting on my nerves, w..why are you waving your hands at me, oh, I'm supposed to go to commercial, I'll be right back! ,--------, ,----------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Farewell Ranch |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  | '--------' '----------------' '--------' SPEAKER Howdy! Welcome to Farewell Ranch. They say the golden years are the best years of your life, but for many seniors they just stink up the house and make the grandkids feel uncomfortable with unwanted affection. Now, your old people can be earning you money and enjoying their final years at Farewell Ranch it's a working farm, cattle ranch and crematiorium where the cowboys are all over 75. They'll enjoy rodeos, working in the fields and tending all the final resting places of their new friends on Sunshine Hill. Farewell Ranch works your loved ones from sun up to sun down. And when your loved one passes away we'll send you a presentation package, VHS with the spurs and boots they were wearing as they went onto a better world. Our residents sure love it here right Norm? NORM Is this WW2? SPEAKER Farewell Ranch. The only way to ride into the sunset. ,--------, ,--------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Giggle Cream |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  | '--------' '--------------' '--------' BACKING Gi,gi gi,gi Giggle Cream! Wa,wa wa,wa,wa,wa wa wa,wa wa,wa That's the sound I love. MAN Stop my morning, you make my night WOMAN And Giggle Cream with everything, you make life bright MAN Getting fat and laughing, laughing and getting fat WOMAN With giggle cream, get the feeling, and what's more fun than that? BACKING Gi,gi gi,gi Giggle Cream! Wa,wa wa,wa,wa,wa wa wa,wa wa,wa That's the sound I love. MAN Giggle cream! It makes desert funny! ,--------, ,-------------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Complete the Look |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  | '--------' '-------------------' '--------' SPEAKER Asian pyjamas, chinese bandana. Something missing? BACKING Complete the look! SPEAKER With a throwing star, kendo sticks, or nun-chucks. At Vice City's onestop shop for the silent fashion assassin. BACKING Wow, you look like a psycho! SPEAKER Complete the look. ,--------, ,------------------------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-| Jezz Torrent - Pools of Pain |~-~-~-~-~-~|  | '--------' '------------------------------' '--------' AMY Hi, I'm Amy, and you're on K-Chat. Jezz you were telling me about the music. JEZZ Aye, yeah. You know, we wear these costumes to appeal to the working man, because after you spend a day working in a steel mill, you want to wear tight leathes clothes and play air guitar. That's what we're about, the recent album was a musical trip through hell, and I think it shows. AMY Oh Yeah, it does. JEZZ I mean, I saw Satan, he didn't like what he saw in me, he saw darkness, but also a gentle side. Ask Mand, I can find treasure in the dark. And it's that erm... its that err.... err.. what's the word? Erm... AMY Thing? JEZZ Yeah, that's the thing that typifies me as an artist, heart and soul, head and trousers, everything, that's what you get at one of my shows, Jezz Torrent and Love Fist will really show you, you know, we take the soul into darkness, bring your lighters, you know, I invented that, I've about had it with wankers ripping off my vibe, I wore women's clothing first, why? because it tells you about light and darkness, like the moon, but seriously love, you've got great eyes, really. AMY Oh, heh, thanks Jezz, I've always thought that your music really lets people see into your soul. JEZZ Right into great big pools of pain like me, Dangerous Bastard, you see babe, I've had my heart broken and I am still a man, I'm working on a song right now called fallen stars on shattered dreams in the rain, it's about being able to communicate through music rather than words, its set in a wind tunnel, that's why there's a huge snake painted on my jacket, the snake symbolises kind of a... subconscious power force, because, life is pain babe, and without music I'd be lost. This new album is our most mature work yet. I am brilliant on it, because I sing from the heart. AMY About... Heart break? JEZZ Babe, babe, babe, don't go there please, do your show a favour, take it easy, my people spoke to your people about this, and seriously, I appreciate the offer, and look, I would shag you, but you have to understand, its too soon. AMY Because Sharry left you, right? JEZZ Babe, babe, my people spoke about this to your people. I said do not mention Sharry, it's like sticking needles in my soul, voodoo, who are you? Are you my personal devil, that you could do this to me the pain is too much, I have hair on my face to hide my soul, Sharry had to go, because she wanted to be a marine. We couldn't be together, seriously, don't go there. AMY Ah, uhuhuhuh, uh, this is so sad *sniff* do you have a tissue out there, oh Jezz, I'm so sorry. JEZZ Seriously love, if you listen to the song dragon eyes, it says everything that needs to be said about her, you can't help me, it's raw like a chickens head you know, the pain it grips you, and makes you think about everything. It's the longest night of all, December of the soul. AMY Jezz *sniff* This has been the best *sniff* interview *sniff* of my life, thanks so much for coming on. For all you love fist fans out there, it's time for a contest. JEZZ That's right, ladies and gents, you're listening to me, Jezz Torrent on K-Chat being interviewed by, by... AMY It's Amy. Oh god, you forgot my name? JEZZ Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Citizens of Vice City, now you've got the opportunity to win a part of me, my signature, ink. I only give away parts of myself to people who have bought all our records. So you've got to answer this: On which album did Beast Fist appear? Was it a: Dogs on Heat, b: Fat Chicks, All Day All Night or c: Devil's Own Band. AMY For the chance to win tons of Love Fist prizes, just answer the question. All you need to do is write the answer on a postcard and send it into the station. Jezz, before you go, will you please play us a song acoustic? JEZZ Piss off! Acoustic songs are for sissys! Babe, seriously, do not cramp my style. Look, I've got to save up the love for the big show. Babe, I love you, I really do. Friends for life. Dancing in the fire and all that. Always good to meet a fan. Will you look after Mand for us will ya? MANDY Aww, I lost my lighter again. JEZZ LOVE FIST! AMY That was the dreamy Jezz Torrent of Love Fist who are appearing this week in Vice City as part of their world tour. Bring your lighters and a spare pair of panties. I know I will. We'll be right back on K-Chat after these messages, thanks. ,--------, ,---------------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| The American Thing! |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  | '--------' '---------------------' '--------' SPEAKER What makes a real American? A cowboy hat? Enjoying a fine T-bone steak? Going to a baseball game? Shooting a gun? Maybe it's the freedom to go into a poor country and tell them how to do things! Heh! Those are all great qualities! But one thing that makes a true patriot is the ability to choose an American car. When you buy an import you take a hot meal off a hard working American's table. BABY *Cries* SPEAKER There, there! This poor girl is going to starve to death, just because you bought a cheaper, more efficient Maibatsu. Without gross symbols of excess, what will Americans have to look up to? Our great industries are threatened! Cars, pornography, armaments! And they need your help! So the next time you buy a car, a piece of adult literature or a missile defence system, make sure you do the American thing! ,--------, ,--------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Pet Stuffers |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  | '--------' '--------------' '--------' OLD MAN Old Max. We go everywhere together. Right boy? SPEAKER At Pet Stuffers, we know there's nothing like the relationship between a man and his dog. Sometimes you just can't let go. OLD MAN Max, you didn't eat your food. That's the second week in a row. Max? SPEAKER When the unspeakable happens, just put your four-legged friend in the fridgerator or freezer, then call Pet Stuffers! We'll be there within a week to pick him up and in less then a month he'll back as good as new. Through an Ancient Egyptian miracle process called Taxidermy you and your best friend will always be together. OLD MAN Yeah, that's a good dog. SPEAKER Pet Stuffers, when you just can't let go. And coming soon, Grandparents Forever! ,--------, ,---------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Sissy Spritze |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  | '--------' '---------------' '--------' BACKING Higher! SPEAKER The key to feeling great is looking great, and the way to look great is to have great hair - that's great! BACKING Take your hair higher! Take-your-hair to-the-limit! SPEAKER Use Sissy Spritze when your clubbing, or sticking your head out of a stretch limo sunroof, you want to know your hair is performing to the limit. BACKING Higher! Gonna get higher than the sky! SPEAKER With Sissy Spritze, it's hair for the future, not the past. When you have great hair, people know you're a winner! BACKING Gonna fly on my own hair tonight! SPEAKER Sissy Spritze may cause dry mouth, dilated pupils, paranoia, heart palpitations and nose bleeds, but your hair will be great! BACKING Higher! ,--------, ,--------------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Michelle Carapadis |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  | '--------' '--------------------' '--------' AMY This is K-Chat, welcome back to the show. I'm Amy Sheckenhausen and next up, we're going to be interviewing someone with a lot to say for herself. A woman who pretended to be a man and then wrote a book about it. I haven't read it, but I'm going to pretend I did. She's professer of Anthrosociology and womens studies at the University of Vice City. And her name is Micheala Crapis. Crapadis. Micheala. Michelle. Hi, welcome to K-Chat. MICHELLE Hello. AMY Hi, so Michelle, you're a teacher? MICHELLE If you mean professor, yes I have a doctorate, teachers are homely women who make minimum wage to keep the teenage boys off the streets during the day. I am very intelligent and I'd rather talk about that. I'm trying to sell my book. AMY Ok, now it says here you wanted to be a man so much, you dressed up like one. MICHELLE Well that's a load of crap my dear. More misogynistic propaganda I hate men, can't bear them, I think they're a complete waste of time and space quite frankly and a disaster for the planet. AMY Me too, I just got dumped. MICHELLE Oh well it is unfortunate you measure your self-worth in relation to a man my dear. Look at you. You could be an attractive girl. If you did some physical labour, cut your hair short, grew out your body hair and wore boots for example. You mustn't get sucked into their hetro-patriarchy. AMY But I like dating, having someone buy you dinner is great. MICHELLE Well we'll come back to you and your problems accepting who you really are. Let's talk about me a bit more. AMY Ok, so, tell me about your book. You hate men a lot. And you dressed up like one, and now you've written a book about it. Right? MICHELLE More or less. As I said I'm very intelligent so I don't expect you to understand, my dear, but I'll try to keep it simple. I've always been fascinated with the world of men, revolted of course, but fascinated. Now, as an acemdemic I can get paid to write a book about pretty much anything as long as I give it a complicated title. Are you with me gorgeous? AMY Ooh, I think so. MICHELLE Good, then hold my hand, it helps me think. AMY No! MICHELLE Ok, ok, sorry. Don't be so weird. God, everywhere I go just like the university, won't let me display my beautiful and sensual woodcuts in the student comments. It makes me so angry! Where was I? AMY You were talking about yourself. MICHELLE Oh of course. The ego is a dangerous thing especially in my case, I'm a Jungian, anyway, so what I did was dress up like a man and enter into the man world. I can tell you it was more horrifying than I imagined. AMY What did you do? MICHELLE Well, the first chapter, I was a roofer. These sexists spend all day on a roof talking about us Amy. I was expected to sit around and talk about what I had done to women, of course I had to so as not to blow my cover. AMY So what's the name of your book? MICHELLE Yes, as mentioned hitherto, my book has a very very obtuse title. Being and Seeing, From Freud to the Building Sites, a Woman's Journey into the Male Psyche. AMY Huh? What? MICHELLE I'll admit it's not very catchy. But Academia is not about getting to the point. It's about exploration. AMY Ok, wow, I'm learning a lot today. MICHELLE Yeah, so I entered the world of men, in disguise of course, I was dressed like a man. AMY Ok, and you haven't changed back? MICHELLE What, what did you say? AMY You're still dressed like a man. MICHELLE No I'm not, these are my normal clothes. Amy for gods sake, don't fall prey to the patriarchy's evil fashion schemes! AMY Oh, sorry. MICHELLE Anyway, I learned a lot when I was a man. Did you know for example that during my time as a steelworker in Pittsburg, I learned that men sometimes speak crudely about women when they are out of earshot. I was horrified. Or that men regard some women, like you Amy, as mere sex toys. Things for their amusement. Unbelieveable! Or that men actually find sports interesting! It's appalling. And they run the world my pretty, oh yes, they run the world. AMY They do? MICHELLE Yeah. Look at Reagan, look at Thatcher, look at Gorbachev, while we stay home and bake cookies, well screw that sweetheart. AMY Yes, I agree. MICHELLE Good, don't bake a cookie, smash him in the face with a baking tray instead. He's a brainless dolt, he's a man. Did you know men enjoy looking at pictures of naked women? It's called pornography, it's sick and foul. I'm giving a talk about it this weekend at the women's centre. That's women with a y. AMY Hah, I think you spelt it wrong. MICHELLE Are you a woman? Three of the five letters that make up your description are M. A. N. You're too dependant on men amy. That's why I don't call myself a woman Amy. AMY Um, ok. MICHELLE I bet this radio station is owned by a man, white male conservatives monopolise the media selecting right wing blondes to propagate conservatism. AMY I don't have blonde hair. MICHELLE Not yet Amy, not yet. Did you know men drink beer and smoke cigarettes and wear hats? AMY Uh, umm, yeah. MICHELLE Heh well, you must have read my book. I've discovered a lot of things. I was also a policeman and an untrained brainsurgeon. And they're all the same, all women haters. AMY But just because they like sports and hats, doesn't mean they hate women does it? MICHELLE You self hating fool! Of course it does! The media, meaning you, falsely portrays feminists as bra burners, out-dated combat boot wearing, bad mothers. Why don't you take your top off right now Amy huh? Tell them you won't be censored any more! AMY No! I'm getting a little freaked out here, ah buh, hit the, buh ,--------, ,--------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| The Military |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  | '--------' '--------------' '--------' SPEAKER Do you en- (interputed) we'll teach you how to make beds, march in squares, shine shoes, clean bathrooms, kill a man with your bare hands and do it all with pride. The military teaches you all the skills you'll need later in life. Call 1-800-BEAHERO. And become a real man today. ,--------, ,------------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Commercial Break |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  | '--------' '------------------' '--------' AMY Why are you waving your hands... oh, I'm supposed to hit the other commercial. ,--------, ,----------------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Yuppie and the Alien |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  | '--------' '----------------------' '--------' SPEAKER This fall, a new hard-hitting police drama is coming to Friday night. He was a well to do cop, transferred to a troubled precinct, downtown. His new partner is a space traveller, with a passion for justice. It's Yuppie and the Alien! CAPTAIN Look! You may vaporize dissidents in Alpha Centauri, but in this precinct, we do it by the book! YUPPIE I'm so terribly sorry, captain. GOOGAN Da, Googan sorry! SPEAKER Don't miss this one of a kind police drama. They're fighting crime the hard way, in designer clothes, with a quarter of a million dollar sports car, and a UFO. YUPPIE Partner, let's go cruise in the car and look moody. SPEAKER One tough, downtown precinct, two outsiders, doing things their way, Yuppie and the Alien, on VBC. ,--------, ,-----------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| BJ's Used Autos |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  | '--------' '-----------------' '--------' BJ SMITH Hi, I'm BJ Smith, tight end for the Vice City Mambas and proud proprietor of BJ's Used Autos. Cars from all over America come to find a new home in Florida, just like you. I moved here after the draft, football uh not Vietnam, even though they do have a lot in common, I noticed there was one thing missing from this great town, a celebrity endorsed used car shop. That's why I founded BJ's Used Autos. Everyone of these beauties is freshly painted they look brand new. We have new models coming in every morning, usually around 2 am, we can get you anything, and if you see a car of your dreams, tell us, we can aquire it for ya! I've taken the skills I've learned as a pro football player to the used car business, smash grab and run like hell. BJ's Used Autos, I'm tackling low prices with hot cars. ,--------, ,------------------------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-| Michelle Carapadis - Callers |~-~-~-~-~-~|  | '--------' '------------------------------' '--------' AMY If for some reason you'd like to speak to Michelle Crapper, just give her a call on K-Chat, who's on the line? CALLER Michelle, hi! Peace sister. I'm wearing trousers, I haven't shaved or waxed in nine months. I left my broken hearted husband and baby behind. Now I'm living in a commune with a series life partners having quite simple amazing experiences, I got my inspiration from a lecture you gave last year. Thank you so much. You taught me a lot. MICHELLE Yes good sweetheart, but ask yourself, are you doing enough? It sounds to me like you're living a lie. Your life is still very man centric. You're still justyfying yourself by the I am Not rather then the I Am principle. I mean really, you might as well make his bed and clean his litter tray for gods sake. It's half hearted fools like you that give feminism a bad name. CALLER But, I, I even attacked by brother with a bread knife. MICHELLE You showpony! Promqueen, cheerleader, skirt wearer. You see Amy, that's the thing about people, they're so halfhearted. Pick and Mix, not prepared to carry out their threats. That woman, that lady, as I bet she likes to be known, is really a self hater, a failure in a man's world. You know, why, I bet she's never even attacked a man with a vat of boiling oil. AMY But she said she tried to kill her brother. MICHELLE Don't argue with me! I write books! AMY Ok, next caller. CALLER Michelle, I'm a huge fan. MICHELLE Are you? CALLER Yes, you've really changed my life. Before I heard you speak a couple of times, I was getting into the feminist movement, but in sort of a silly way. MICHELLE Really? CALLER Yeah, you know, burning my bra, beating up policeman, shooting my dad and stuff. Just fooling around you know. I really didn't understand the feelings I was having. MICHELLE Ah, I know the wearisome troubles of the halfhearted. CALLER And then after listening to you, I realised what a load of crap it was. MICHELLE Excuse me. CALLER I realised what a load of crap it was. You can't hate men just because they're different, you can't hate anyone just because they're different. You have to work with them. Luckily I needed a moronically, pretentious, over educated hairless old heriden like you to show me how stupid I was being. I mean, we're all just people, and it's idiots like you who cause the problems in this world in the name of reclaiming some false ideal. And blabering on and on about gender politics at rallys just so you can wear leather in public. MICHELLE Why you misogynist. CALLER No, you're insane. You hate yourself because you're a failure, you're an appaling academic and about as intellectual as a haemorrhoid, goodbye. MICHELLE Well, uh, hum, well it's nice to see my work has stimulated such healthy debate don't you think? AMY Uh, Michelle? She hated you. MICHELLE Yeah, nonsense, poor dear was in bits. Not very used to the cut and thrust of acedemia, I thought she expressed herself poorly and didn't know what she was saying. Probably burnt her husband's cakes or something. It is important for me to confront the differences and similarites between myself and other women. I am smart, strong, I seek liberation. Your society imposes on me. AMY God, this is all so confusing. Everything has two meanings. MICHELLE Exactly, apart from the word through which has five. You can choose to be a victim Amy, but after you read my book you'll realise men are irrelevant. Can a man have a baby? Do I need a man to have a baby? No. We don't need men, we need more parts of town we can call our own, more parades, more gatherings of understanding where women can beat each other with pillows and practise judo. AMY That doesn't sound like fun at all. MICHELLE Oh shutup, I've had enough of you you little tart. AMY That makes two of us. Right, listeners don't go away. When you come back we'll have a new guest and I promise they'll be more interesting then Michelle Crapartist. Michelle, it's been a pleasure, I'm sure we've all found this very illuminating. And why our beliefs are right in the first place. We'll be back right after this. ,--------, ,--------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Giggle Cream |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  | '--------' '--------------' '--------' BACKING Gi-gi gi-gi Giggle Cream! Wa-wa wa-wa-wa-wa wa wa-wa wa-wa That's the sound I love. MAN Love the dairy goodness, propelled with toxic gas. WOMAN Make detol real low, suck it have a blast. MAN You can buy it anywhere, grocery store or shop. WOMAN Make sure that you're in a chair 'cos your heads gonna block. Oh no! BACKING Gi-gi gi-gi Giggle Cream! Wa-wa wa-wa-wa-wa wa wa-wa wa-wa That's the sound I love. MAN Giggle cream! It makes desert funny! ,--------, ,----------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Exploder |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  | '--------' '----------' '--------' SPEAKER He was a man of peace, living on a quiet farm in North Dakota. 'Till one day all hell broke loose! SOLDIER Tim we need you! TIM I'm a man of peace, I'm done killing! I wanna raise a family! SOLDIER That's just it Tim! They've got your family! TIM Noo! SPEAKER Jack Howitzer is Tim in Exploder! From the heart of America to the jungles of Cambodia, follow one man's quest for peace. TIM Ho Chi Vet is that you! HO CHI Tim I know you come! Just like old days we kill everybody! SOLDIER Tim they've got your wife! TIM But I'm not married! SOLDIER You are now, to America! SPEAKER He went in to save his country, but found his family and lost a friend. TIM Ho Chi! HO CHI Tim don't leave me! You taught me baseball Tim and how to laugh! TIM Noo! He would have been a fine American. I'll cry when I'm done killing! SPEAKER Get yourself a body bag, strap yourself in, start making friends the American way! Exploder: Evacuator Part 2! Rated PG, may include patriotic garbage. ,--------, ,--------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Mr Zoo |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  | '--------' '--------' '--------' AMY So, hello everyone and welcome back to K-Chat. Vice City's main place for things. I mean well, it's a place in Vice City where things go on like interviews or things or other things like that. But at the moment it's interviews! And I'm Amy Sheckenhausen, the best interviewer in Vice City and exclusive to K-Chat. Remember you only hear Amy on K-Chat. Our next guest is a man on a mission. And that's why he's got such a silly name. His mission is simple, zoos. His name is Mr Zoo. MR ZOO G'day Aim. AMY Hi Mr Zoo. MR ZOO Hi, the name's Pat, Pat Flanerdy. But I love zoos, I really do. That's why they also call me Mr Zoo. AMY OK, and which do you prefer? MR ZOO Ah what darlin? AMY Which name, Mr Zoo, or Pat Flingerthingy? MR ZOO Ah, I don't mind babe. Whatever you fancy. Fine by me as long as we talk about animals. I don't give a damn what you call me. As long as it ain't Sheila or something. AMY Ha, ha ha, you're silly Mr Zoo. Why would I call you Sheila? MR ZOO I don't know love you tell me. AMY Ok, um, this is getting confusing. It says here your name is Mr Zoo, and now your saying your name is Pat Flanagum, and now you're saying it's Shelia? MR ZOO Uh, doll, the name ain't Sheila, that's a Sheila's name. It's an Australian joke. AMY Okay, oh right. I don't speak Australian, do I? MR ZOO I guess not sweetheart. AMY Ok, well, moving on. You're Mr Zoo? MR ZOO That I am AMY Cool! And I hear you've made quite a name for yourself, why's that? MR ZOO Because I love animals Aim, animals. And publicity and stuff, and I love animals I love 'em. AMY Me too! MR ZOO That's the thing babe. We all love animals but we don't know too much about them, that's what I'm here to tell to you about, that and myself of course. AMY Of course so, right, what about animals? MR ZOO Well its interesting right, but not a lot of folks realise that we're 90% the same as a fly or a cockroach or a pigeon that's the new science out there called Genestics, I think, which is going to be real popular real soon. But what it tells us is all animals are pretty much the same, from a genetical level. AMY Oh cool! MR ZOO Damn right it's cool babe! You know what that means don't ya? AMY No I haven't got a clue! MR ZOO It means we've all got to start caring for one another like family. AMY OK! So let me get this straight, like my brother is a cockroach, and my dad is a pigeon and my mom is a fly. Is that right? MR ZOO Well sort of genesticallistically speaking but your bang on love. And you know what that also means? AMY Uh, no. MR ZOO That you could legally speaking marry any animal you wanted and have kids unless you're married already babe, you ain't married are ya? AMY No, I just split up from my boyfriend he didn't like me being on the radio. Whatever. Said I sounded stupid. MR ZOO Well that's my point love, I mean, imagine if you'd been out dating a wolf or a cute little deer he'd protect you and stuff, urinate to keep out intruders but he wouldn't mind you being on the radio, wouldn't mind a bit. AMY Why not? MR ZOO Wolves and deer's have no concept of jealousy of someone else's success. That's the Genestistic variation between homoerectus and spider monkeys. Jealousy and fur and stuff. AMY Oh. MR ZOO Oh indeed sweet thighs, oh indeed. Would you like Mr Zoo to tell you something else? AMY Yeah. MR ZOO Everything you learned in school was a lie babe, a lie! Take porology for instance. You were told sharks were dangerous right? AMY Yes. MR ZOO Cobblers babe. They're frightened of you. They ain't gonna hurt you! Have you ever tried cuddling a shark, getting down and dirty with one, relaxing it a little? AMY No. MR ZOO Well I have, and I'll tell ya its very rewarding Aim babe. Very rewarding indeed. AMY Really? MR ZOO Yeah, absobloodylootly love! Once you've calmed it down with a little rubbin it's like a swimin puppy, real affectionate and stuff. AMY OK, I'll try that! MR ZOO You should love, you really should. Let me tell you something else. AMY Go on, go on. MR ZOO Well, this is something for the guys out there really. You know with a girl like, you ain't got a clue, I mean a female human, when she's on heat right and ready to mate, looks identical to a female human when she ain't on heat. And would throw a drink over your face if you grab her behind and start trying anything intimate. You can't tell the difference. I know that only too well. But take a Fawker monkey from the jungles of the Philippines, when she's on heat, her behind sticks up and glows bright red and she makes a sound a bit like this (Mr Zoo makes a crazy screaming monkey mating call) and any fool or dingbat can tell she's ripe and ready for action, certainly clears up any confusion. AMY Yeah I guess it does. MR ZOO Or a female Black Widow spider, now, they eat their mates after the deed, as they say, is done. AMY Uegh! MR ZOO Yeah, I know! That certainly puts things into perspective doesn't it? AMY I've never done that. MR ZOO No, but you can now because you're the same! Well more or less the same. I mean that's the funny thing about my work, about Genestetics. AMY Oh God! The world is so complicated. MR ZOO There are also lots of tiny differences between animals, you know what a species is don't ya Aim? AMY Yes. MR ZOO It's an animal, which has other animals, which are quite a bit like it. A dog is a species but a cat isn't because there's lots of cats. However, I've discovered out there in the wilds loads of new species that regular science practiceborror repressed blokes in laboratories has't even known about. AMY Really? MR ZOO Really I have. There's a hornypat bear named after me, Pat right? Exactly the same as a regular bear only it's got a big horny growth hidden right down its groin area. You gotta reach in and have a fiddle about and then you find it. Completely different it is. I was amazed when I found it. AMY I can imagine. I was amazed when I left the hairdressers. MR ZOO No wonder darlin. Or the Double Gutted Pat Tree monkey, exactly like a normal tree monkey, only it's called after me and if you have a rummage around inside, goin in the back door, you discover it's got two digestive tracts, two, amazin! Really profound it was. AMY Ooh. That's gross! MR ZOO No Aim, it's the science of Mr Zoo, gettin down and dirty with animals. Because I love them and I hate lies. AMY Okay, it also says here you like zoos. MR ZOO It's a love hate thing babe. AMY That, that's nice. MR ZOO But I'm certainly an expert, I know what I'm doing and I'm not afraid to expose myself. AMY OK, well I'm getting a little confused here why don't we take a break and when we come back take some phone calls, because all the buttons are really flashing all of a sudden. You're on K-Chat! ,--------, ,----------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Pit Balm |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  | '--------' '----------' '--------' SPEAKER The science of evolution has uncovered many of life's mysteries. Like tadpoles or the pyramids. But the mystery of the armpit remains. What's it for? Why is it hairy? And why do men have nipples? But one thing is for certain, the armpit smells bad. Luckily there's Pit Balm. It's like Napalm for your skin or Agent Orange on your sweat glands. Pit Balm stops unwanted bodily functions in their tracks. It's as effective as sending GIs into a peasant village. When you're fighting the war against personal hygiene, bring out the heavy artillery. ,--------, ,---------------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Just the Five of Us |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  | '--------' '---------------------' '--------' SPEAKER This Friday night it's the incredible sitcom that has captured America's hearts and given the whole country a new catchphrase. JIMMY But I'm 42! SPEAKER Just the Five of Us! After a mix up at the adoption agency the Chesterfields came home with three zany new houseguests. DAD Jimmy, tidy your room and go to bed. JIMMY I'm so sick of this! I keep telling you I've got a rare disease! I look 12 but I'm a 42-year-old investment banker. I wanna go out and get laid. DAD Oh yeah and I'm Santa Claus. Now tidy your room. JIMMY Asshole! DAD Shaun, our posh suburban home must be a welcome change from that alley you were sleeping in. SHAUN I really enjoy living here but there's not enough booze. SPEAKER It's the funniest most touching half-hour on television. DAD Charlotte, what's that smell? CHARLOTTE I set the couch on fire again. SHAUN Here I can you help with that. *unzips* SPEAKER And this week it's a very special Just the Five of Us where an attractive blonde lady tries to steal Jimmy away. JIMMY Now you're talkin! SPEAKER Just the Five of Us, Friday nights on VBS! ,--------, ,-----------------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Mr Zoo: On the Phones |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  | '--------' '-----------------------' '--------' AMY We're on K-Chat, and so are you. If you're listening, I'm here with Australian animal lover Mr Zoo. If you've got anything to ask him, why don't you just give us a call right now. MR ZOO Yeah, great, give us a call right now and I'll tell you anything you need to know about animals. AMY OK, who's on the line? CALLER 1 Is that Pat Flanerdy? MR ZOO G'day, of course it is. CALLER 1 And, and you're in Vice City? MR ZOO Yeah. CALLER 1 What are you doing here? MR ZOO Promoting animals mate. CALLER 1 Don't you remember the court case? MR ZOO Ah, get lost. Amy, uh, let's have another caller. AMY Uh, oh, ok. Whose on line 2? You're through to K-Chat! CALLER 2 Don't hang up on me Flanerdy you're meant to be in a hospital you sicko. MR ZOO Hey, easy there mate. Hospitals are for people who don't feel well. I'm at the top of my game. CALLER 2 Are you insane? Don't answer that. I know the answer. You're sick and insane and you need help. MR ZOO I've got a Visa mate, I've got a Visa. You can't touch me, I'm bonafide. I love animals. Leave me the hell alone or I'll come by your aquarium and feed you to the bloody sharks you no good by the book paper pushing murderer. Bobo would have lived if you'd let me in the tank. I could have cheered him up. I could have done. Now stay away from me y'here? Name all callers k Aim? Phones are so impersonal not a two way conversation like the radio. AMY Okay, um, who was that? MR ZOO Wrong number I think. AMY No, it wasn't. MR ZOO Yeah it was, a bloody wrong number. He wanted a plumber and a Chinese. I was speaking to him in Australian. AMY OK, cool. Uh, what was that about the aquarium? MR ZOO Nothing babe, all in the past, long time ago. I was tricked into saying something I regretted. AMY Oh, cool. That happens to me all the time. MR ZOO I can see that love. Yeah, big mistake, never trust a judge or a mental health tribunal, never. Only trust animals. AMY Ok, and what did they make you say? MR ZOO Nothing babe! Oh, it was a long time ago look. I brought a little surprise for you. It's a little female plague rat. See how relaxed she is with me? I've got special powers. She's a lot like a little Joey kangaroo in a lot of ways, you know what I mean love? AMY What did they make you say? MR ZOO I've also brought a menacing trouser snake. Would ya like to see it? Look at this it's a little frog in my pocket. Calm as you like, not even awake. Awh he's died. Anyway, in this pocket I've got a baby dwarf giraffe I birthed this morning, see she's still covered in fluid from her mum's womb. Wow, isn't that fabulous? AMY Ooh that's grody. What did they make you say at the mental health judge? MR ZOO Nothing babe. Nothing at all. Long time ago, it was a bad period in my life. I wasn't sleeping, I was heartbroken like a platypus. D'ya know a platypus only gets a bill after its mate breaks its heart by sleeping with its brother? I know all about that. I was crying my eyes out for weeks. On all kinds of pills for my nerves. Couldn't move, couldn't talk. I was cooing like a dove. Please darling, let's move on. D'ya want me to talk to a parrot? AMY Now I'm really curious, what did they make you say? MR ZOO Ii love yoou! AMY You do? I never knew! MR ZOO They made say I love ya! AMY Oh, I made my boyfriend say it and he slept with my best friend. I think we're bonding now. MR ZOO Noo. We ain't bonding ya halfwit. We're miles apart. I hate ya! They made me say I love ya to Bobo. AMY Who was Bobo? MR ZOO Bobo was the most beautiful creature that was ever on the earth. Ever at all, really beautiful. AMY Who was she? MR ZOO He, he, he! AMY Okay okay, he. MR ZOO He was a dolphin. And I loved him. And I knew him properly. You people could never understand. It's natural. We were identical. From a genertergorcial perspective. And Bobo was really unhappy. Putting on a show every day like a circus animal. They thought they caught me doing something, but they never did, Aim, they never did. We were only cuddling. How can people take that the wrong way? Babe, they took me away and they locked me up. Then Bobo died of a broken heart. AMY He did? That's awful. But, eww, oh. Just a second you sick bastard! Security! MR ZOO I love ya more then you can imagine! AMY Call the police someone, please help me! This guy is molting animals. Ooh, it's gross! MR ZOO Aim, I only wanted to be loved. Properly mind and he's gone. DOC Pat, it's Doctor Phillips. MR ZOO Get lost doc. I got out I'm fine. Me and me friends are travelling around in a black van and solving crimes and running from the Colonel. DOC Pat, I'm coming in. MR ZOO Stay away from me! DOC Pat, you've been a very bad boy, come on we're going home now Pat. MR ZOO Stay away from me, I've got a poisonous lizard in my boot he'll kill ya in two seconds. OTHER Pat, please, we've been through this, you're not well. Bobo is dead. It's time to get back on the medication and start piecing your life back together. While locked up in a padded cell for a very long time, or until you die. MR ZOO Is it that time again Doc? DOC Yes Pat, it is. C'mon. Put on the straight jacket. Look, it's even got your initials on it. And swallow this. MR ZOO Oh thanks Doc. Did I tell ya I love animals and they love me? I got a message. Look for a wall at the china hand... OTHER I'm really sorry about that. Pat is a very, very sick man. We rarely let the dangerously ill out into society. And when we do, it's not always fatal. AMY Okay, great. DOC Get this crack head out of here. Sorry to be a bother. AMY Oh, ah, um no bother. DOC C'mon, don't bang his head. Those bruises show! AMY I never knew animals were so interesting. We'll be back after this. You're on K-Chat. Don't go away. ,--------, ,------------------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Pastor Richards Statue |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  | '--------' '------------------------' '--------' PASTOR RICHARDS Do yourself a favour, pick up your telephone, call now. 1-866-9SAVEME. What better place to witness 40,000 years of nuclear winter, then from the comfort of your very own space ready nuclear bunker? When we raise 25 million we will build a 50 storey tall likeness of me. If we raise 300 million the statue will rotate so I can look over this great city and cast an evil eye on degenerates. And when the eminent nuclear strike occurs, those who put faith into action with sufficiently generous contributions will join me inside the Pastor Richards salvation statue as we blast into space! Contribute to the Pastor Richards Salvation Statue Fund. Pick up your telephone. Call now, 1-866- 9SAVEME. ,--------, ,------------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Maibatsu Thunder |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  | '--------' '------------------' '--------' SPEAKER Knights of the road, here's your stallion. The car for freedom. BACKING Freedom! SPEAKER The car for hot excitement. BACKING Excitement! SPEAKER The car for a man who is alone against the elements. BACKING The Maibatsu Thunder SPEAKER The pride is back. It's the power of a compact. BACKING Looks small but it's so big. SPEAKER Fuel injected. BACKING Inject me! SPEAKER Maibatsu Thunder. On the toll road of life you have to pay to prove you can. Live the emotion of an individual. BACKING Thunder! SPEAKER The awesome power of nature distilled into one vehicle. BACKING Wow! SPEAKER Because after you get struck by lightning, there's thunder! BACKING The Maibatsu Thunder! ,--------, ,-------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Gethsemanee |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  | '--------' '-------------' '--------' AMY Hello, welcome back to K-Chat! I'm a woman so I know it's important to discuss feelings. That's why we don't have any male hosts on this station. People open up more to women. I was telling my girlfriend yesterday if a woman were president we'd nuke a country every 28 days, ahah! In these times of trouble. Of international scary things that cause anxiety, people seek sole ice. Or is that solace? Oh my god. Some visit lady friends, others go to a bar. and a strange few talk to rocks. My next guest is the author of this book 'I'm Lovin' the Coven'. She sits on the board of the Vice City resna, renaissance committee. Get seminee? GETHSEMANEE Gethsemanee AMY Ah Gethsemanee Welcome to the show. GETHSEMANEE Hello Amy! I brought you a crystal. Isn't it gorgeous? AMY I guess so. If you're into shiny glass. I prefer lacy gloves. GETHSEMANEE Amy, for many thousands of years, my people have been using crystals and gemstones to heal the sick. Take the crystal and then when the night is enchanted and the candles have been blown out. And the wind sings through the branches of the eucalyptus. Hold up your arms and sing: All dwee my sky sailing pregnant moon the goddess. AMY Pregnant moon? What are you talking about? Gesemanee? GETHSEMANEE Gethsemanee. AMY Sorry, whatever, do you even have a last name? GETHSEMANEE My compost coven named me Gethsemanee Starhawk Moonmaker. Trust me Amy. I'm quite accustomed to people persecuting us. It's been going on for thousands of years. Native Americans, they studied crystals, the ancient Chinese, Belgians, Superman! They all studied crystals. So why do you view it as so weird. Grab your crystal, hold it tight and close your eyes. You will be transported back 35 thousand years when the temperature of the earth began to drop. The tundra was teeming with animal life and small groups of hunters followed the free running reindeer and there, under the magnolia tree a woman breast-feeding a baby elk. Do you see it? It's nature. AMY Ewh gross. You're one of those filthy hippies that thinks breast-feeding in public is ok. Well, uh, it's not. There are bottles of milk at the store, don't act like a cow. Huh! You really remind me of someone by the way. GETHSEMANEE See Amy, you're putting the blinders of society on. We're all the same, I remind you of yourself of every man and woman. AMY Um, uhuh. No none of them. GETHSEMANEE There're trying to outlaw nature. If I'm in the park and a nice gentleman comes along, I should be able to breast-feed him. Pretty soon everything natural will become illegal. It's really depressing. If I died right now would I get buried by a female priestess in a cave surrounded by my favourite tools and ornaments? No. There was a time when children were taught about their bodies about the goddess lady of the mammoths about the importance of the spiral dance clutching a bison horn under the crescent moon. At the bead and rock shop where I work, we have classes that teach the importance of feeding wild plants, shellfish and understanding ancient crop circles. AMY Oh I love lobster. GETHSEMANEE Have you ever tried talking to one? Energy flows from everything, even a tractor. My mother, the Moon, taught me how to trace ley lines with your bare feet in the dirt. AMY Listen you're very weird. And you smell like petulia in compost and I think you might have a shot at a boyfriend if you shaved and got some gel in your hair and put some clothes that fit or something. I mean, please. GETHSEMANEE Did Joan of Arc shave? I was given this fascinating pamphlet called Caucasian female body hair in American culture. Amy, I love you like my sister but honey, you've fallen prey to a sustained marketing assault that began in 1502 to convince women that underarm and leg hair was wrong. There's nothing more natural then this enormous bush I've got growing under each arm. Having hair is natural. What's the deal with Anglo Saxons? I mean go to England. The women there don't shave their underarms, it's really quite attractive. You just need to focus your eyes to look for healthy signs and not the signs of socialised barbarism. Like shaving or wearing deodorant or birthing in a hospital rather then the open air like a wolf cub. Remember brother Romulus and noble Remus? Wolf raised. AMY I find this really interesting, not really but I say it is because I'm told to. I'll be back on K-Chat after these messages from our sponsors. ,--------, ,----------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Farewell Ranch |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  | '--------' '----------------' '--------' SPEAKER Howdy partners! It's 4:30 in the morning here at Farewell Ranch. And it's time to get up and work the old cow. Get up ya oaf! At Farewell Ranch, old people don't sit around stagnating watching game shows talking about the good old days. Sinking into the grave in a urine soaked mess. At Farewell Ranch they sweat and toil until the breaking point. Keep that miserable contemplation of mortality at bay. Hell at steering time, we'll work grandpa so hard he'll wish he was dead. At the end of the day he'll sit down in the blue grass eat a bowl of commemorative beans and enjoy a sing along at one of our nightly funerals. It's the cowboy's code. Work hard, don't shower and die in your boots. Right Norm? NORM Ahh, my prostate! SPEAKER Farewell Ranch, the only way to ride into the sunset. ,--------, ,-------------------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Exploder Survival Knife |~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  | '--------' '-------------------------' '--------' SPEAKER It's the knife that saved America. If you liked the film Exploder, you'll love this enormous commemorative survival knife. In the handle you'll find all of the things you'll need in any wilderness, disaster situation or the jungle of your backyard. It comes complete with fishing line, needle and thread for sewing gashes back together. And an incredibly useful endurable toothpick. HO CHI Tim, go on without me. I've got toffee stuck in tooth. TIM It's okay Ho Chi, try this! SPEAKER For those unplanned extended stays in the jungle, there's a saw for building your own hut, toilet paper and a fold out woman for company. As well as a serrated blade that can kill a man before he can scream. TIM That'll shut you up! SPEAKER The Exploder survival knife. It's the knife that saved America. Now it can save you. TIM This knife killed 25,000 people in Cambodia. Now, you can too. ,--------, ,---------------------------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~| Gethsemanee - Coven Leader Phil |~-~-~-~-~|  | '--------' '---------------------------------' '--------' AMY Whatever, I'd die if I didn't have Sissy Spritzs and Blocks. Germs are like so gross. Oh, hi, I'm Amy and you're on K-Chat! Gethsemanee, I can't get over how familiar you are. GETHSEMANEE Oh right Amy, I real hope you read my book. The mysteries of the absolute can never be explained. Mother Nature knows more then all of us. That's what keeps people coming back for more. People are turning into zombies. A roof separates you from the sunshine in the morning, a bed separates you from the loving earth at night. That's what's so great about learning these things. When you're no longer opressed by the cultural issues of making money, showering, or wiping yourself after using the toilet. You can focus on the important things, do you travel Amy? AMY Well, I've been up north to the theme park and last week I went to the beach. GETHSEMANEE No. Really travelled. My coven has been meeting every Thursday, Saturday to prepare for a grand coracle journey. Along the same route we took when our people came from Russia and Alaska, along the Bering Strait. AMY What's a Coracle? Oh is that like a Maibatsu? Uhuh, I prefer American cars. GETHSEMANEE No, Coracle. Cora, means Arabian gazelle, which we all know was the daughter of Zeus. And cle means gather grass and sew it together. A Coracle is a single person rowing boat made from lots of twigs from Ancient Britain. There are so many wonderful things you can learn from the Ancient Britons Amy. Like metallurgy and how to cauterise the wound when a bear has eaten your arm. Everyone used to have a coracle Amy, even people who were scared of water. We're all about working to preserve the diversity of natural life. Reuse everything. AMY Question. Who's this 'we'? GETHSEMANEE My coven. AMY Like witches? GETHSEMANEE Nuh, oh, uh, yes. But not witches like you think. We're just a group of people who believe in communal sharing and chanting a lot. And can't find husbands. Reading magazines, cloaks, wands, horned gods. Rubbing your skin raw with rocks. Dying of old age at 27. Crying in terror when it starts to thunder. And these are all the things our ancestors did. Since I found my new mind and body, things have really changed for me. Our modern society only celebrates a select few. Every woman and every man is a star in the sky Amy. Not just the ones who sing on TV or those people in the movies. I think I know what you need to separate your reflection from your true self. A Zen garden. AMY Oh, my brother had one of those. And the federalies came. GETHSEMANEE Oh, no, no, no. Zen silly girl. It's a little sand box you draw pictures in. It teaches you things like that death isn't an end it's just a stage and also a beginning of a new journey. AMY Do you have a leader in this weirdo cult of yours? GETHSEMANEE Not a cult, a coven. There's a big difference. Yes our leader's name is Phil. AMY That's a weird name for a leader of a group of witches. Oh hi Phil. What hairy legs you've got what with being a man who's a witch and everything. Hah, hah, hah, hah, har! GETHSEMANEE Do not disrespect Phil. He teaches us the wheel of the year Amy. It's full of solar holidays and goes round and round and round. You can learn a lot from the sun and the moon. If you look at the sun for too long you can go blind. Meaning it is something to be respected. And the moon has a dark side, just like we do. And some people have craters and only a sixth of gravity. The ancient Britons knew the moon could breathe. We can change the world, rearrange the world. It's dying though Amy! And it needs some Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Like a swan or a fish on a hook. If you take your nervous system seriously, if you take your organs seriously and explore them some really neat things can happen. Phil taught us that. he's been to Mali to meet with the village elders. That's why there's the ceremony of the knife. AMY Oh great. Why does everyone have to be packing sharp things? GETHSEMANEE The knife ceremony is very important and spiritual. It's an ancient one-person personal crisis. You say to yourself, I'm going to have a spiritual experience, or thrust this thing into my head. Life actors never rehearse and need no script Amy that was said by somebody really spaced out and I'm going to say it again. Like the wind which keeps blowing or sun which shines with life. AMY Will you please leave you smell and you talk really weird and you're just really gross. GETHSEMANEE Not until I tell people out there become an internationalist learn oral traditions, learn to respect life. Make war on machines, marry your mother. Technology will enslave us. Buy my book! It's printed on bark! AMY Ok, ok! Let's take a quick call. Hello, you're on K-Chat, what's your name? EMANUEL Hey, it's Emanuel from Prawn Island. I love the show. Yeah, I want to talk about technology enslaving us. You know that play 'In the Future there will be Robots'? Well that's a true story, in the future there will be robots. And I'm going to hack 'em all. I'll make them say funny things. You know I can move satellites around with my computer. GETHSEMANEE Computers are evil. The Luddites of ancient Briton know this. That's why they destroyed the computers that created things faster and more efficient and took their jobs. EMANUEL Oh shut up! Computers aren't evil. It's the people that programmed the computers that are evil. That's a pretty big difference. I'm talking to you through a computer right now. In fact, I am a computer. GETHSEMANEE Well anything that can think faster then me is evil. Anything which doesn't dance or sing or cry or wear a smock. You create your own reality. We're like the dust in the wind. We are golden. We've got to get ourselves back to the garden. AMY Okay, okay, huh! I know who you remind me of! My aunt Susan! Oh, she was single too. GETHSEMANEE I'm not single Amy. I share my life with a number of valuable partners, and we commune with each other in a non-judgemental expressive way. AMY Old Maid, my mom calls her. Anyway, let's go to the phones. You're on K-Chat. FREDDY Uh, yes, thank you, thank you. That was great really interesting. I'm, I'm, I'm British you see. GETHSEMANEE Like our ancient wood wearing queen. Medusa, meh meh medusa, uh uh uh. FREDDY Um, no, I think actually it was Bodicea, but, but no, no, not, not really. I'm from Hampshire you see I'm I'm here on business. GETHSEMANEE A wanderer! FREDDY Yes, I, I was wondering, you're you're a good witch correct? GETHSEMANEE Yes, a white witch. FREDDY But you have a broom. GETHSEMANEE Yes, it's ceremonial. FREDDY Supposing I'd been a bad boy. Like if I hadn't learnt my spells or something. Would I, would I get smacked with it? GETHSEMANEE Violence is wrong. FREDDY But you must hit Freddy with your broom. Freddy has been very naughty and not learnt his spells. Hit me hairy legs hit me! I deserve it! AMY Prank caller! Prank caller! Sorry listeners. Somebody call the IRS. Who let that guy in the country? GETHSEMANEE Yes, poor man, so lost and ill at ease. With his father son and mother nature. I hope he finds what he needs. AMY And I need to take a commercial break. Geth good luck. GETHSEMANEE Gethsemanee. AMY Yes, I hope you find what you're looking for and I sincerely hope you, whew!, take a bath. We'll be back after this. You're on K-Chat. Don't go away! ,--------, ,-----------------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| BJ's Fit for Football |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  | '--------' '-----------------------' '--------' BJ SMITH Hi, I'm BJ Smith. In my long and illustrious three year career at the top of pro football. I whooped some serious ass and got paid for it. They didn't call me death in tight pants for nothing. When you've had such a rewarding career maiming others as I have, you know how to stay fit. Through running, wrestling, stuffing 20s down panties of foxy strippers, firearm training, nature pursuit and beating the hell out of your fellow man. That's what keeps me healthy. And now, using training methods, I perfected. It's going to work for you with BJ's Fit for Football. Watch those pounds fall off. I'm down to 300 pounds using exactly the method I demonstrated on tape. I mean, who are you gonna trust to get you fit? A man who can rip your arm off and beat you with the wet end, or some aerobics instructor who wouldn't get drafted by the local hopscotch team? Hell no. BJ's Fit for Football, out now on Beta and VHS. Remember to win in a game of football, or life, you have to annihilate everything in your path in a blind rage. ,--------, ,------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Domestobot |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  | '--------' '------------' '--------' MAN Ever since Linda started working, our kids are home alone. LINDA We tried hiring a nanny but she wanted health insurance. MAN Yeah right, that's when we got Domestobot. He's great with the kids. DOMESTOBOT Mrs Laurence, Tommy has some skin magazines under the bed. LINDA And he helps us too. DOMESTOBOT Would you like your drink freshened? MAN He's a great conversation piece at our special parties. DOMESTOBOT Please put your car keys in the hat and the fun will begin. LINDA It's like having a personalised alarm clock. DOMESTOBOT I've brought you a drink. MAN Ah, it's eight in the morning! DOMESTOBOT I made it a double. LINDA Ah Domestobot! SPEAKER Domestobot, he's three foot high, he only says ten phrases, he's the friend you've always dreamed of. Order Domestobot today. ,--------, ,----------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| BJ Smith |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  | '--------' '----------' '--------' AMY So, welcome back, and all that stuff. You're on K-Chat with me, Amy Sheckenhausen on Vice City's station for the stars, including me. And boys have I got a treat for you. Next up is a living legend. A man who won the World Series single-handed. Known to his fans as 'Death in Tight Pants' and known to his enemies as 'Oh my God, I just got flattened by a truck, how is that fair?' It's sports legend, BJ Smith. So BJ, welcome! BJ SMITH Thanks, it's a real pleasure to be here. AMY Oh, I know. BJ SMITH But one thing sweetheart. I never won the World Series, that's baseball. I play football. AMY Yes, but it's all the same isn't it? BJ SMITH Football and baseball aren't the same. In one of them you get bored during a five-hour game, you touch yourself a lot and start a massive brawl with players who are degenerates, egomaniacs and criminals. The other's football. AMY Yes, but it's all the same. BJ SMITH No Amy, it isn't. Anyone can hit a home run. In baseball you stand around a field dividing your salary by 162. Waiting for some action. Talk to a guy who just played an hour of football. He's been in the trenches getting Agent Orange sports drink poured all over his head to keep him from taking an innocent life. One of them's a game for men, the others a game for pansies who like wearing button-down shirts. They call baseball a national pastime? If that means making a million dollars by standing around all day? Count me out. I work for my money. AMY Yeah BJ, just like me I can tell you. BJ SMITH Yo baby, it's cool. I just wanted you to know what I did. AMY I do. Gees, get over yourself. You must have a testosterone imbalance like all those jocks who shower with other men. You can't tell me you don't look at other people's business. BJ SMITH Baby, I've played professional sports for fourteen years, including high school and I'm making a comeback. I'm a very competitive person I grant you, but I ain't got no testosterone imbalance. With that little moustache you busting out looks like you shouldn't be talking about some hormone problems girl. AMY Excuse me? What did you say? BJ SMITH Oh, oh nothing, damn baby, you so ugly you make look blind kids cry. AMY BJ you better stop being a bully just cos I'm not into the jock scene. I like sensitive guys you know like actors or rock stars or that kind of thing. Not some great big hulking giant that has to tell everyone how important he is. BJ SMITH Whoa, I didn't realise we were trying to impress each other here sweet thing. I was thinking we was here to discuss my new exercise video or talk about my possible comeback in professional football, not sitting here flirting with each other. I'm a married man, I'm on my seventh wife. AMY So you've got a big family. All those wives, that's fantastic. BJ SMITH Not really, you see I really like family, especially some show up you didn't know existed. I tell you, Father's Day, I'm scared to go to my mailbox. My big heart has caused me a lot of heartache but when you're in the public eye, you can't always tell what other people are about. BJ has met some real manipulative people AMY Seven wives, that's fantastic. BJ SMITH No, I have one wife, I had six before that. AMY So you downsized? Right? BJ SMITH Yeah, something like that. If you want to win in life you have to change players. You can't play on the same team all the time. AMY So, oh my god, isn't this getting intimate BJ, I feel like we are really connecting. BJ SMITH I'd like to connect with you. Other men might fumble but I go into the trenches like a doberman. That's actually part of my video AMY What are you talking about? BJ SMITH Well, as you know running a ball is like making romance. And one day when I was going for a touchdown, if you know what I 'm saying, I had a great idea. You see all these fitness videos on television? It's always that idiot fool in leotards prancing about giving it the skinny thing. And I say what is this? I mean what in the world is this? These people ain't fit. They ain't got a clue. When you're fit you know it. If you come into the locker room you know I is fit for football. Able to wrestle and pounce and hurt somebody an hour straight. That's what people needs, if someone comes and jack you ride, are you going to bust a aerobic move? Hell no, but when you know how to grab another man by the facemask and twist him around and so you tear his ligaments in his back and never play again. I mean that's some real useful everyday stuff. And I should know, I invented it. AMY You know, I just don't want to talk about football any more. BJ SMITH Well, take dating, or washing the car. What good is a leotard when you washing the car? Put a man in a helmet and a cup and he can wash a car any day in it. That's fighting fit for football. It really very simple program, the best way to get your body fit is to have total disregard for your body. Every now and then you wake up and come out of concussion saying damn, I look good. AMY BJ, you talk funny. We'll be back on K-Chat right after these messages. ,--------, ,-------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Musty Pines |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  | '--------' '-------------' '--------' SPEAKER Are you tired of your couches getting ruined? MAN Oh grandpa! GRANDPA I made tinkles again! SPEAKER If you've got old people cluttering up your home. Why not send them to Musty Pines? We'll help bring back dignity and we promise it will be the best three months of their lives. They'll enjoy bingo, complaining, mumbling incoherently, skinny-dipping and organ donation. And once a month it's our famous lucky dip medication switching night. Musty Pines is located at a luxurious location overlooking Vice City's state of the art sanitation facilities. You can still visit your old people, but now you have the comfort of knowing you don't have to. After they pass on to something better, guaranteed in three months or less, you can start enjoying their money. Finally, you can have quality family time again. Musty Pines, now you don't have to say goodbye. Drive thru service also available. ,--------, ,------------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Knife After Dark |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  | '--------' '------------------' '--------' SPEAKER He was just the boy next door. MAN Hi well hello there Danny, I didn't know it was hockey season. DANNY Hey can I borrow a knife? SPEAKER A deadly curse, a deranged killer, a small town in tears. Knife after Dark rated R for retarded. ,--------, ,---------------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| BJ Smith - Comeback |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  | '--------' '---------------------' '--------' AMY Eugh, that's gross BJ, stop hitting on me. Hi, I'm Amy and you're on K-Chat. So what do you need to do for BJ's Fit for Football? BJ SMITH Well, Angela, anybody can do it. What you need is a real expensive gym, a team of trainers, medical practitioners, dieticians a baying crowd and an opponent who wants you dead, dead in the dirt. I mean a nasty blood sucking leech of a man who would destroy you if you don't destroy him first. A man you'd like to set animals on, he's the enemy, and you sit your foxhole until it's time just right and then you pounce baby, like a kitty Kat on catnip. I'll sack a man, pile drive him hard, again and again because the idiot comes my way I'll nail him every time. AMY This video sounds like a lot of fun. BJ SMITH Fun? Fun? You think it's fun when grown men cry in mortal agony when you're so scared of what you're going to do to a man you step outside yourself like an astral projection and the police go Kent state on ya and people cryin and bleedin and pouncing each other in the face, and that's just in the locker room before the game. That's your idea of fun? AMY Yeah, I, I, I guess. BJ SMITH Yeah, mine too, that's why I'm making a comeback. I've been retired two years and I'll tell ya selling cars or appearing in soft drink commercials is not fun, compared to having 50,000 low IQ morons in Green Bay, or Tampa or Liberty City or wherever. Screaming and howling they want you dead just because you're playing for the Mambas. That's actualising the soap. AMY Wow, that sounds interesting. Tell me about it. BJ SMITH I'm doing that, I've bin doing, hey, wait a minute. Are you reading a book over there during this interview? AMY No, no, I can hardly read, get on with it. BJ SMITH I'm trying to sweets, you best listen. The comeback is a real deal. BJ Smith's six-year Pro Bowl MVP the man responsible for more broken bones then anyone since people had legs. I'm a Fiddler Crab you can rip my arms off and I'll just moult and grow some new ones. AMY Where? BJ SMITH Right here, right now. Let's get it on! AMY Of course. I mean when? BJ SMITH Soon baby, real soon. But, and don't call it a comeback, like the songs say I'll whoop your ass. And this time I'm doing it my way. Ignorant fools they gave me nothing to work with. The owners I mean. AMY What owners are you talking about? BJ SMITH The owners of the team. They gave me nothing. They the reason my marriage failed. I worked my ass off all those years, sweating blood, and and puking my soul out and they treat me like a tractor. Roll me around treat me no better then a dog. The guys that got hurt, they never saw a penny out of those monsters. AMY That's just like Jade. BJ SMITH Who's Jade? She a fox? AMY My friend, she's a Goth. She got sacked for wearing makeup and an 'I hate Life' t-shirt to work and never saw a penny. BJ SMITH She like um, football or something? AMY She teaches Kindergarten, professionally. BJ SMITH You know, I know a lot of players who need to go back to school after they finished playing. It's a tough life and you lose something. AMY What did you lose? BJ SMITH Hope, diction, something, it's brutal out there, AMY That's just like Jade. Those kids are evil little brats. BJ SMITH Listen, are you going to talk about your freaky friends, who dress like a funeral? I thought we here to talk about BJ. BJ Smith. And I feel alive! I mean really alive! Ain't nothing more envigoring then holding a mans head in your hands and looking him in the eyes and saying I can kill ya in one second old man. And he says I've got a wife! And you say, give me all the money in your cash register. AMY What are you talking about? Uh! BJ, are those muscles real? BJ SMITH That's funny you should ask, because the answer is yes. They ain't implants or nutin. AMY Wow, you're enormous. BJ SMITH Nah, there's guys twice my size, but I'm quick, rich and angry, like a republican. AMY So, oh, um, I see. Look, I ain't got anything more to say to you. And I can't fall in love with another guest, or I'll get sacked. So, let's go to the phones! Who's on line one? CALLER Hey Amy, I'm a first time caller. How you doing? I love your show. Sorta. BJ man, you're awesome. Here's my question. How'dya play that game against San Andreas with two broken legs? Ah, I can't believe I'm talking to ya. Wow man, I don't know what to say. This is the greatest day of my life. BJ SMITH Well why the hell are ya calling in? Don't worry. I'm a professional. The method I used in the game against SA, is actually a part of my exercise video. When in doubt, go for the groin. I hope that answers your question. That's the problem with the public, fans. I get it all the time. Know what I'm saying? AMY Absolutely. I get that all the time. People say, 'huh, are you that girl off the television in that show?' and I say, no, I'm the girl from the radio, I just look like her. Anyway, BJ, that's all we have time for for now. BJ SMITH Thanks Amy, and um, look after that moustache. AMY Ok. Thank you. I'll be back on K-Chat after these messages from our sponsors. Don't go away. ,--------, ,------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Degenatron |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  | '--------' '------------' '--------' SPEAKER Are ya tired of dad? BOY Dad, no-one wants to hear your stupid Vietnam stories. SPEAKER Are ya tired of mom? MOM Hi angel, do ya want to read a book or go outside? BOY Nooo! BACKING Degenatron! SPEAKER The arcade comes to your living room, only without the creepy guys offering to show you puppies. KIDS Awesome. SPEAKER The degenatron, you can play video games just like you are in the Arcade. KIDS Excellent! BACKING Degenatron! SPEAKER The degenatron gaming system plays three exciting games including Defender of the Faith where you save the green dots with your fantastic flying red square. KIDS Cool! SPEAKER Monkey's Paradise where you swing from green dot to green dot with your red square monkey. KIDS That's rad! SPEAKER And Penatrator where you smash the green dots deep inside the mysterious red square. KIDS Wow! SPEAKER The Degenatron brings arcade realism to your living room. It can even take quarters and a strange sweaty man comes by to empty the machine on Fridays. BACKING Degenatron! SPEAKER Degenatron, fighting the evil of boredom. KIDS I'll never go to school again. BACKING Degenatron! ,--------, ,---------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Salivex |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  | '--------' '---------' '--------' SPEAKER Do you have dry mouth? WOMAN I soor doo. SPEAKER It protects your teeth, fights infection and lubricates your food. But what happens when you run out of saliva? WOMAN Help me, I can't talk. SPEAKER For personal dryness upstairs, it's Salivex. WOMAN Wow, I can spit again! SPEAKER Salivex is more then saliva in a can. Salivex improves consumption efficiency by 50%. No more half way cures like coating your throat with cooking oil to have that extra piece of cake, or bowl of kitty litter! WOMAN After a night out my tongue tasted like carpet, it was embarrassing. Now with Salivex I can eat a whole box or crackers, or lick my life partners... CENSOR Stamp-Collection WOMAN ...all night! MAN It's like having a Salivation Army in my mouth! Now I can suck a... CENSOR Lollipop MAN ...for as long as I want! SPEAKER Salivex tastes like your own saliva. That's because at Salivex's state of the art production facilities, we use salivation philanthropists who make Salivex all day. Salivex, when it comes to personal dryness upstairs, we're deadly serious! ,--------, ,----------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Claude Maginot |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  | '--------' '----------------' '--------' AMY Welcome back to K-Chat, my next guest is the star of the hit show, 'Just the Five of Us', where he appears as the rich father of a family of misfits. But more recently he's been working on a controversial theatre piece 'In the Future there will be Robots'. Claude Maginot. Welcome to the show! CLAUDE Thanks Amy, however, you have mispronounced my name. It's Madge, which rhymes with badge. Uh as in duh and no as in more then you. Maginot. Anyway thank you for having me on your show. It's always a pleasure to discuss my art. AMY Yes, you're so funny! Now Claude, you're an interesting man, if you don't mind me saying so myself, because on the one hand you're on the funniest show in the whole wide world, Just the Five of Us, and on the other you do those weird theatre dance shows which aren't funny. CLAUDE Yes, thank you technical school dropout, I'm sure sitting here talking all day is terribly difficult. Juilliard is not. In the Future There Will be Robots is not a funny piece. It deals with the most important issues in the world today, love, pain, suffering, skin tight pants and well stretched groin muscles. But see music has no name Amy, it's about depth and texture and the sense of community that emerges from the struggle going on within all of us. Between man and machine, between the angel and the beast. It's as if Petrushka and Leonard Bernstein were in a ferocious dance competition with switch blades. That is passion my dear. AMY Um, ok, so it's a bit like Just the Five of Us, what a show! I love Jimmy, he's so cute, even though he looks so young. CLAUDE I'd rather not talk about my complications working with, him. I'm a performer, I express myself anyway I can. While I'd never attempt to describe Just the Five of Us as anything other then worshipless pap I need to support my serious art. It's like stealing a boom box to do live interpretive dance. If I bring joy to people's hearts doing an interpretation of a tree in a park, who is harmed? There is a value I derive from art, as a man, as a creator, and that is this: Never overestimate the dreadfulness of the mass market, the degrading excess of the culture or the horrors that we all have within it. AMY Great, yeah, um, me too. But, as Mr Chesterfield you're so funny! What is it you say? Not in my house. Hah, ha ha! That gets me every time. Especially after the drunken tramp you adopted has wet himself. Oh say it for me, please! CLAUDE As they say in France, matrise. AMY Please! CLAUDE Not in my house. Please, I came on your fine show to discuss art not people that whore themselves out on the alter of commercial success dancing like a puppet alongside a genetic freak. Although I do that too. AMY Ok, moody. So what do you want to talk about? CLAUDE Oh, I don't know, my performance at the Hollywood bowl perhaps. there are some that attend the concert inside. I am the concert outside myself. In the parking lot where we build bonfires and dance it comes back to the seriousness of my purpose. At a young age, I held puppet shows on the corner that had people weeping and lying down in the streets. It's about movement, about encouraging ordinary working class people that there is something enervating about a modern dance performance. That seeing In the Future There Will be Robots will change your life, no matter what your life's like now. AMY So, it's kind like getting a new haircut? CLAUDE Yes, exactly. No! Nothing like a new haircut you halfwit! This is movement! Watch my hand, yes movement! There's a manatee on stage see he cannot hear from the wall of Wagner around him. We have lasers that shoot him down, cut him free, free his soul from the bondage of the past. And then on stage, we have snow that falls and represents love in all its forms. The robot makes a snow angel and we begin to cry. Close curtain. AMY Um, ok. Well, I love 'Just the Five of Us'! CLAUDE Please, please, please, enough! Five succeeds while Robots starve. Attendance has been poor. If I were opening this with the orchestra philharmonic de halap in Mexico, there would be riots in the streets with small children giving me flowers and weeping. Here in Vice City they wouldn't know art unless it came as a tube of beef jerkey. They told me, Claude, it can't be done. Vice City is for sun worshipers and philistines. And I told them no, I told them, if I'm directing a work of commercial dross down there. I must save my soul with some serious art. But to be honest Amy, they were right. I feel ahead of my time. The best artists are ignored. I mean, surely, any right minded person would rather spend an evening watching me express the meaning of space. As they move delicately across the stage in the dance of desire and denigration. Than flopping around in a disco or a nightclub or sucking the electric teat of television. AMY I know I would! CLAUDE God! I mean, what is wrong with you people? AMY God my hair! CLAUDE What? AMY My hair, is all wrong, it clashes with my dress. CLAUDE Zeus, Cicero, Shakespeare, Floberce, someone please save me from this hell hole. my dear, you are so ignorant, I'm trying to save you, to save everyone. You don't see the art around you. Are you in search of Auld Lang Synes, singing Madame Butterfly on a window sill or relegating yourself to a cricket in Huckleberry Finn. I'm a movement that conquers love while you complain about your dress. Know you not how important my mission be? AMY Right, cool, okay Mr Chesterfield. I mean, huh, Mr Maginot. You've gotta hang in there. You're on K-Chat and I'll be right back. ,--------, ,-----------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| D'Leo and Furax |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  | '--------' '-----------------' '--------' SPEAKER At the law firm of D'Leo and Furax we understand that sometimes life throws you a curveball. We help our blue-chip clients get their lives back, after circumstances have conspired against them. Just listen: MAN 1 It was an unfortunate accident what happened to my wife on that precarious cliff. D'Leo and Furax can't bring my wife back, but they made sure I didn't end up in the slammer. MAN 2 I was unfortunate enough to be found with 15 kilos in my spare tyre. I was so mad at the auto repair shop that sold me that tyre, thanks to D'Leo and Furax the district attorney saw it that way too. WOMAN I, I accidentally torched a Quick'E'Mart when my medication ran out. Hum, hum. D'Leo and Furax helped me and the community by insuring a healthy settlement from the Pharmaceutical company. SPEAKER At D'Leo and Furax we understand the juditional system and will insure the truth is heard, no matter how improbable. We're not cheap, but what price can you put on truth? Call D'Leo and Furax today at 8-669-742333, that's 8-669- SHADEE. D'Leo and Furax, accidents happen, and we'll prove it! ,--------, ,-------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Ammu-Nation |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  | '--------' '-------------' '--------' SPEAKER The store leading the fight against communism is having a blow out sale! Ammu- Nation has a wide array of peacemakers! Come by Ammu-Nation on Militia Mondays, exercise your second Amendment right and get 10% off all armor piercing bullets. We're the only gun store that lets you try it before you buy it! Need anti-tank missile? We've got'em! Flamethrowers? Oh yeah! No credit? no problem! No money down, 90 days, same as cash. Shoot now, pay later! You're in the 10 minute waiting period fire off a few rounds at the Ammu-Nation gun range, featuring faces of famous commie paint coats! Come by Ammu-Nation and register to win an anti-aircraft gun actually used when we whooped Australia's ass! This weekend is the Ammu-Nation Film Festival with free screening of the documentary Red Dawn! Ammu-Nation, protecting your rights! ,--------, ,-------------------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Claude Maginot - Phones |~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  | '--------' '-------------------------' '--------' AMY You're back on K-Chat with me, Amy, and my special guest. Let's go to the phones! BRUCE Mr Maginot, Bruce from Prawn Island here. Big fan of the show Mr Maginot. Big fan. Dude, I dunno about this the robot thing it's weird. Quickly, is he really 42? Does he shop in the kids isle does he get on rollercoaster rides I mean, what's the deal. Does he pay half price at the movies? CLAUDE No comment, next caller. AMY Oh my god, trauma. I meant that, that's my line. I'm supposed to say... oh god this guy is such a dick. Urgh, next caller. Oh, who's on the line? I mean, who's on line 1? Urgh, What number is it? Who's on the line? MORGAN Hello Claude, this is Morgan. I'm just vacationing down here having finished my doctoral thesis into images of young boys in post lapsarian Greece an erotic understatement in the few and contemporary baroque. Fascinating stuff. Mmmm. AMY Do you have a question? I'm confused. MORGAN No, woman, I just wanted to tell Claude about my thesis and discuss his bleaker death in Venice streets period. Of course I have a question you silly girl. Claude, I saw Robots. Big fan and that's praise indeed coming from me. I normally hate anything humanity has achieved since 1836, but one thing fascinated me. Claude, about the show, the pants, they were so tight, so fitted. How do you get such a marvellous close sequined figure hugging fit and still. Hmm? Oh, and were the sequins a reference to lasers? CLAUDE Yes, yes, my, my, I agree. Thanks for calling. That is an important question. You see, I'm an important person, and I especially think so. It is really important for people to see my form move through space in very tight pants. Or the effect is ruined. Interpretive dance cannot be expressed in baggy clothing. It's like a violin parade otherwise, why have a love story with a manatee and the lasers? It's very important. AMY You're kind of creepy. You're nothing like you are on the show, you're so funny there, joking with the family, and putting out the fires started by the homeless guy, and starting group hugs. But in real life you're just plain creepy. You won't even tell us how old Jimmy is. All you talk about is Artsy stuff like that nobody understands because it's complicated, and how tight your pants are. CLAUDE That's not true. I also discussed love and passion and a manatee and the lasers. You my dear could use all three. You my dear are a philistine. I'm sorry, but this is one of the most degrading, debasing, horrific, unedifying, opportunistic things I have ever done in my life since that whole Rake's Progress lawnmower commercial. I feel dirty, like I've just sat in something. AMY You did, our last guest was taken violently ill. CLAUDE Yes well, such is the plight of radio. Rather then grumble like Leporello, or a Taxi driver about my duties cleaning the back seat. I shall bid you adieu. AMY Okay, thanks Claude. Next we have a very important guest who doesn't dance like a weird jerk. We'll be back right after this. You're on K-Chat! ,--------, ,------------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Maibatsu Thunder |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  | '--------' '------------------' '--------' SPEAKER Knights of the road, here's your stallion. The car for freedom. BACKING Freedom! SPEAKER The car for hot excitement. BACKING Excitement! SPEAKER The car for a man who is alone against the elements. BACKING The Maibatsu Thunder SPEAKER The pride is back. It's the power of a compact. BACKING Looks small but it's so big. SPEAKER Fuel injected. BACKING Inject me! SPEAKER Maibatsu Thunder. On the toll road of life you have to pay to prove you can. Live the emotion of an individual. BACKING Thunder! SPEAKER The awesome power of nature distilled into one vehicle. BACKING Wow! SPEAKER Because after you get struck by lightning, there's thunder! BACKING The Maibatsu Thunder! ,--------, ,-------------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Advice about Reds |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  | '--------' '-------------------' '--------' KID *Laughs like a small baby* MOM What's this I found under your bed? The only Engle's you're going to read is Laura Engle's Wilder. SPEAKER If you think your child might be a Red, here are some warning signs. They read compicated literature and have concern for their fellow man. They even like to share. Tell your kids, if someone approachs them with pamphlets about recycling, an invitation to a Labour rally, or showing any doubts about the fairness of our system. Then they should find a teacher or a policeman immediately. ,--------, ,-------------------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~| Pastor Richard's Statue |~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  | '--------' '-------------------------' '--------' PASTOR RICHARDS Do yourself a favour, take both hands off the wheel and touch the stereo, do you feel the power? Ah yes friend, there's a lot of evil in the world, but there is also light. And I have been sent to shine a light on all degenerates, philanderderers, Liberals and other evil doers and expose them for what they really are. Don't waste your money on unnessacery and corrupting material possesions, give it to me. There's only one thing that will save you. A highly fortified structure in the shape of the most powerful thing on the planet, me. Degenerates will ruin this great city. In my wonderful book I tell of the impending disaster about to befall this planet, nuclear holocaust, plagues of flying rodents, the seas rising up and turning yellow. It is coming, it is written by me but you can save yourself. Contribute to the Pastor Richards Salvation Statue Fund, pick up your telephone, call now, 1-866-9SAVEME. ,--------, ,------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Thor |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~|  | '--------' '------' '--------' AMY Hi! And welcome back. If you're just joining us, you're listening to K-Chat, Vice City's only commercial talk station. The place where the stars shine in conversation with you and me. I'm Amy Sheckenhausen my next guest is a rising star in the world of Norse Mythology. He's appeared in several best selling Informercials and travels the globe speaking at corporate training camps. His books and audio cassettes are sold around the world. He's Valhalla's finest diety and motivational speaker, Thor. THOR Hi! Hello Amy, I'm happy to be here, it's been a long journey. AMY Uh, yeah. Now I don't know much about you, I mean I read Beowulf, well, I didn't but I read the cover. But like, you're a Viking right? THOR Did the tunic and goatskin boots give you a clue maybe? I am a Viking. And a Viking that will not only help you unleash the fury's but unleash yourself. It's in my Thor's Norse Power Program. AMY Okay, I'm a little confused. Well, I'm a lot confused. I was taught in school that Vikings were bloodthirsty and violent! THOR An elder once told me, you must unlearn what you have learnt. Of course then he died of the green plague. There are some Vikings that are a bloodthirsty lot yes. But no more then anyone else, really. We're a nomadic people Amy, we have cold fire in our soles. Ye have that fire too Amy, you've just lost it since you got in television. Now, that being said, I'll answer your question. We're mostly non-violent, though many of the Vikings travelled to Scotland. And mind'ya, anyone who goes there will turn bloodthirsty, you can't understand what the lot are saying. It's all afore, reckle, aboot, dinnea, it's enough to make you want to burn a village to the ground. That's why in my cassette series, I talk about the importance of communication. You see Amy, men and women live in different worlds. We use different words. A group of men talk about what they've killed, how to start a fire, who has the best longboat. Women want to talk about keeping the communal longhouse tidy and their feelings. When I'm raiding a village I don't need to be talking about feelings, it's time for action! AMY Great! So is that all there is to being a Viking? Pillaging? THOR No, lass, no, pillaging and battle are important but we admire poetry as well, as long as it's poems about whacking someone in with a doublehanded battle axe. What's holding you back Amy? In Chapter 3 of my book I talk about listening to the blood thirsty water spirit. It's really quite important if you want to enter Valhalla. AMY I think I went there last night! Uh, no, umm that was Malibu but it's the same sort of thing. Valhalla was that goth club wasn't it? So 1983. But right, what does being a Viking have to do with anything? This is the 20th century. We have elecricity, penicillin, jet planes, implants, well, I don't, but I want some, but I heard the operation is really gross. You live like it's 982AD or something. THOR Mind ye toungue wench, lest I cut it out. Deep down all of you listening to me say Thor, yes, I'd like to unleash the Viking within. Maybe you go camping once a year or hunting, and wonder why it feels so natural. That's because it is, too much of you denying your instincts. Men shaving you know deep down in the pit of your sole you wish you could crouch in the grass with flies biting your face afraid to move for fear of alerting the beasts. Covering yourself with Yak urine to thwart your smell, then a beast draws close, you pounce, bringing your battleaxe on its skull! Man and animal at that moment, one and the same in a terrible beauty. Then you drag the carcase back to camp and celebrate by eating its heart! Some people they only do this once in their lifetime, I do this everyday. And so can you, all it takes is some positive thinking. Just attend my Unleash the Norse Within weekend. When you are finished you will say, I am a God! Nobody can stop me! I crush my enemies and dance on their funeral pyres. This is very helpful for living in suburbia Amy, and I should know. AMY I really don't understand how. THOR Oh, it's very helpful. Maybe a neighbor is tossing his leaf clippings on your lawn, or looking at your woman, or harboring desires regarding your longboat. You enslave his children, set his house on fire. He shall not bother you again. AMY Huh, it must be nice to have you as a neighbor, not. THOR I live in no place longer then needed to fulfil my goals, taking slaves, valuables and food. Goal setting is very important Amy, not just in football. AMY You're very weird and creeping me out a bit. But whatever, no weirder then anything else. So what do you think of Vice City? THOR Ah, I like it very much. Your women here are prepared for battle. They are large, not like those scrawny things to the north. A woman who eats well provides for her man. You cannot set sail for robbing and pillaging on an empty stomach. It's like the story of the Parson's Wife and the Troll. AMY I don't think I've ever heard of that one. THOR Great Carloson. Ye mainlanders have no historical perspective. Read the runes! It's all right there. Talk to a grandparent. But no, ye cast people out like rubbish. Wisdom is not to be treated so lightly. When my father grew old, I sat with him day and night absorbing his wisdom. Learning about the demons and where the wickedness resides in men's hearts. And as his time grew near, I built a large pyre, burnt him and his wife while communing with Odin's spirit. AMY Careful. Musty Pines is a sponsor of this show. Uh, grody. What are you doing? THOR I'm just adjusting myself she devil. Wearing these animals hides does get a bit itchy. AMY Um, okay You never answered my question. What do you think of Vice City? THOR Your land and people have a lot in commomn with mine. You see, we too fled our homes due to lack of food, over population and the bitter cold, and mind ye starting out to raid passing ships is fine. But we needed a new land to have our way with. Granted we rode and sailed to an area, land and forest and burned down a local monastry or village. Whereas you come in, destroy all the creatures and sell plastic versions of them. You did a fine job pillaging these lands. But you should have something about Canada. AMY Wait a minute there buster, my mother's half canadian. THOR Oh, what are you going to do wench? Sweep the ice furiously at me? Hah! Socialise medicine? Nah, you did it all wrong. You should have continued to the north and finished things off. I talk about this in me motivational learning tapes. That and beware the magpie. Tis the devil. Evil raineth when darkness falls. AMY Are you married, you seem like a tough character to live with. THOR Aye, my wife Helga. What a hag. AMY This show is not sexist. Whatever certain bearded women might say. Women are people too. I'd appreciate if you wouldn't talk that way. THOR Ah! Go live in a chimney ye troll! You 20th centry women are all the same. And me hag Helga, she fell prey to your uppity ways. She says to me, Thor I ain't having no mead no more, I'm going to meetings. See, that's ye problem. As soon as you sort something out, you have to go preaching from the rooftops to everyone else, how to live, not pillage nor plunder no more, but live in boxes. Then she says, Thor, I'm getting me stomach stapled I look fat. I now fat as two yak skins when previously it was only one. I said, wench! Dont' come crying to me when we're in a longboat crossing the straights for two moons and you're all skin and bones. A man needs something to grab onto. Aye, ain't her fault. A cursed pixie goblin got her. AMY Pixie Goblin? What kind of weird ancient nonsense are you talking about? Now, Thor, I've got to ask you, how old are you? THOR I'm as old as the fjords and as a young as a new born lamb. AMY Are you shy about your age? Just lie about it like my mom. THOR Thor is never shy! Thor is mighty, Thor is a god! AMY And where are you from? THOR From the beggining of the flat earth where the sun meets the sky. AMY Oh right, by the beach, great. Let's take a commercial break, we'll be right back with Thor! he's a real Viking! Yeah right whatever. ,--------, ,---------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Medallion Man |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  | '--------' '---------------' '--------' FERNANDO MARTINEZ Hello, I am Fernando Martinez, I think by now you know I am an emotional kind of guy. People stop me in the street and say, Fernando what the hell is wrong with me? Silk-shirt, hairy chest, enough aftershave to drown a household pet, but I still cannot get a woman. And I tell them, you are an ignorant fool. Without the symbol of power and fertility around your neck, what kind of woman is going to respect you? That's why I've teamed up with Medallion Man, the shop for medallion needs. Medalion Man caters to all levels of masculinity, for the strong silent type a medallion the size of a hub cap will say everything that needs to be said. Even singing medallions for the Casanova who knows music is the food of love. My old drains, thal houses, dipers, whatever your interest, we've got the medallion for you. Don't forget, every woman knows, if you can't support a medallion, you can't support a family. ,--------, ,---------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Synth and Son |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  | '--------' '---------------' '--------' SPEAKER We have some sad news for you.. Rock & Roll is dead, and pop is in! Why not discover the excitement of the science of music yourself, at Synth & Son - the home of keyboards! Thanks to the science of music, you don't need musical talent to make great music. Just listen... I created that, just by pressing a button. Synthesizers are the new way! Why work hard on difficult compositions, when a machine can make music better than you've ever dreamed of? You'll be the hit of the party! It's perfect for in restaurant entertainment, cover bands, and funerals. Make fuse funky, and death marches danceable! It's the science of music at Synth & Son. Remember - you don't know you're a musician, until you try! ,--------, ,---------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Thor - Phones |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  | '--------' '---------------' '--------' AMY We're back on K-Chat, with me, Amy, and my guest is Thor. Viking Warrior and elf help guru. Do you have a last name? Oh, whatever. Anyway, what were we talking about? THOR We were talking about the wisdom of the ancients. There are many hurdles in life Amy, I remember one of the first bits of fanmail I got. It came by bottle in the sea. A man of lolard island said, a tiny woman came to our farm and swept in front of our door, a woodland troll has carried off my woman in the dead of night. Give me wisdom Thor! AMY So, what did you tell him? THOR Aye Amy, it was obvious the black plague had visited his home. As sure as you can't be a midwife to a fairy, expect wisdom from a fool, or find a good meal Downtown on a Saturday night. AMY Ok, I don't um I really have nothing to ask you. Because I really don't think we're bonding quite right here. I'm more then a little confused. Let's go to the phones! You're on K-Chat with Thor! JAY Yes hello Thor, my names Jay. I'm a huge fan man. Your book really helped me get through puberty. Everyone else was into vampires and stuff. I'd just got into the Viking thing it's pretty cool. It's been working pretty well for me. Anyway, my girlfriend and I, we fight all the time. She's always calling to check up on me. It really totally sucks, it's a drag. Like I hang out at the stripmall with all my boys, and she shows up. Is there any advice you can give me? THOR Ah yes. There was s man that asked for a nights lodging at a certain farm on the eve of Maunday Thursday, or maybe it was fat Tuesday. Anyway in the course of the night the old woman of the house took that out a horn of salve and smeared herself with it from head to toe. She then climbed on top of the stove, sat astride a sweeping broom and began to... AMY Uh, hello, excuse me. What the hell are you talking about? THOR Reading from the Runes wench! AMY What kind of rune is that? THOR Aye, it's a man's rune and not appropraite for the warrior under 18 years old. But there's a moral at the end. Are you still there fair Jay? JAY Ah yeah. I'm still here. THOR Do you love this woman? JAY Yeah, I, uh think so. She's really special. Specially in the backseat if you know what I mean Thor. THOR Then behead her! And parade thy love around on a stick for the world to admire. JAY Wow, cool, thanks Thor! AMY OK I'd like to throw you out but you've got an enormous sword and uh, arh, yeah. Let's take another call. But first listeners, Vice City, remember don't behead your girlfriend and take her head around on a stick. Hello, you're on K- Chat with Thor! TJAY Hey brother. My name is TJay. Your book is fresh. Real fresh. Like it's been a real inspiration and all that. it's most definately on me and my crew's vibe. And that Loki brother, he as slick as Salivex. You know what I mean trooper? In fact, me and my boys have started a Thor fanclub. You know what I'm rapping? We're on your vibe man. THOR Aye, a Thor fanclub. This pleases Thor very much. I shall speak of myself in the 3rd person from now on. TJAY Uh, uh, yeah I wasn't really into school all that much. But I hear you Thor. So so anyway, we have this fanclub right, and instead of naming it something like The Vice Lords of Valhalla we gave it like a, a modern name, keeping things firmly in the '80s you know. The Bloods. Ain't that off the wall man? We follow your teachings to the letter sir. Especially how you go around smiting fools with that wild mad hammer of yours. And getting people to know exactly what time it is. You hear? THOR Have you a magic hammer? TJAY Nah T, we don't have any Odin types round here to strap us with superfly hardware like yours. But we do have Mac 10s, Tec 9's, Tray 8's StreetSweepers and all that. Are you still on my vibe brother? THOR Aye, I like the sound of this. Me thinks I want to join your group. Do you pillage proper? TJAY Hell yeah, we do it like a viking. You ought to come party with us. We'll even make you a honouray Blood. Word. THOR Ah, indiscriminant pillaging. This is, as we say, the school of old. When I am done with the wench, we shall meet. Till then beware the Frost Giant, TJay and the serpent with two tounges. TJAY Uh, yeah, ok whatever, yo brother! Where did you land that funky fresh silver helmet of yours? Those wings on the side are wicked money! AMY Stop calling me a wench! THOR I have much to teach you wench Amy. Only if you would listen. For many centuries people have asked questions. Why has my fatted calf gone after the gypsy woman appeared? Are there trolls living in my chimney? Aye sure, I could tell ye the story of twelve children on the platter or the midsummers snow. And the spirit hatched from the cock's egg. But in the end Amy, you need a spirit journey. A wandering spirit demands a wandering body. Take a longboat. Pack only what you can carry. Head toward the moon at high tide. AMY Ok thanks for the advice. And with that revelation, I'm going to have to change topics. That was Thor viking warrior. Coming up next, we have another guest. We'll be back, right after this. ,--------, ,---------------------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-| Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts |~-~-~-~-~-~-|  | '--------' '---------------------------' '--------' SPEAKER How do you like to enjoy a Rusty Brown's Ring Donut? MAN I like to lick lovingly around the outside and then thrust my tounge in the middle. WOMAN I like to munch it vigourously. MAN I just love the batter, all over my face. MAN On Friday nights I just can't stop eating Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts. WOMAN Oh my god! It's so good. MAN Sometimes I like to wear women's panties and walk around 5th Street. SPEAKER When you go Downtown, make sure you enjoy Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts. ,--------, ,---------------------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-| Think Your Way to Success |~-~-~-~-~-~-|  | '--------' '---------------------------' '--------' JEREMY Hi, I'm Jeremy Rowbard. Entrepreneur, VIP and founder of the revolutionary program Think Your Way to success. It's a three step program that's been changing lives, and my income, for the last two years. Five years ago, I was a nobody just like you. After my Think Your Way to success program I spend the entire weekend in my jacuzzi. Or engaging in the exciting sport of domino toppling. Hey, if you can think it you can do it. One of my award winning courses is sure to be perfect for you. The first course I call, Think, Hold that Thought, Complete because that's what you do. Step two is known as Learn, Start doing, where I explain the mysteries of starting. Or take the new excelerated course that'll have you laughing and hugging strangers. Motivate, Demonstrate, then motivate again. Just listen to these endorsements. And remember, these people volunteered. They aren't being paid much. MAN I've been on the Think, Hold That Thought, Complete program and I have to say, I'm finally gonna start my career in being a well paid rich person. MAN Yeah, I've been thinking my way to success for a while now. It's some good stuff. JEREMY Call now and sign up for my Think Your Way to Success program, and if you want to think really fast, try my Crank It Out program. Call 1-866-434SELF. Hey, don't just do it. Think about it. ,--------, ,-------------------, ,--------, |  |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-| Complete the Look |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-|  | '--------' '-------------------' '--------' SPEAKER Sweaty leather tracksuit? Absurdly fat day glow laces? Something missing? BACKING Complete the look. SPEAKER Complete the look, with a replica car sign insignia on a chunky gold plate chain. At Vice City's one stop shop for people who know how to put the hip into hip-hop. BACKING Wow, you look fresh. SPEAKER Complete the look. And that's all 1 hour 43 minutes and 55 seconds of the K-Chat radio station all written out for you. It'll just loop back around to the start now. ,-----------------------------------------------------------------------------, |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-LINKS TO THE PAST~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~--~| '-----------------------------------------------------------------------------' Thanks to Forelli_boy I have started this brand new section with links from past GTA games. The first two are thanks to Forelli_boy: Freddy was that "nanny" guy from Chatterbox in GTA3. Mr. Zoo is known as Johnny Zoo in GTA2 who was a Yakuza boss! And here's some more: Maibatsu Thunder is a younger version of the Maibatsu Monstrosity Rednecks were a gang in GTA2 The Zaibatsu have a very similar name to the Maibatsu Thunder (probably) In the Ammu-Nation commercial they mention a war with Australia which is also mentioned in GTA3's Chatterbox The Morgan caller to Claude Maginot is the host of Double Cleff FM in GTA3 And here's a link to the future: During his interview, a caller mentions BJ Smith playing against San Andreas. This is a mention to the next game in the series which is called San Andreas and is a whole state rather than a single city as has been in GTA3 and Vice City. ,-----------------------------------------------------------------------------, |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~VERSION HISTORY~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| '-----------------------------------------------------------------------------' v4.0 - 25th of June 2009 Rechecked the entire script, fixed a lot and reformatted. v3.02 - 17th of May 2009 Minor corrections. v3.01 - 12th of November 2004 Just a few errors fixed and the version history moved. v3.0 - 7th of June 2004 OK, in the first update in over a year, I have reordered the script so that it reads like the file on the disk thereby starting with Jez Torrent rather than Mr Zoo as was previously. I have also gone through the whole script again and corrected hundreds of tiny errors in order to make the script readable to everyone. There is most likely still many small mistakes in the script but unless I really can be bothered to go through the entire station yet again, this will be the final ever update of the script. I also have written out an ASCII picture which is now located at the top of the guide, it's the K-Chat logo if you couldn't tell. Oh, and I have also made it easier to find the exact bit of the script you want to find as I have improved the contents list. v2.3 - 8th of March 2003 Again some more mistakes have been corrected to help you with your viewing. I think that this could be one of the last updates (I mean it this time!) v2.2 - 22nd of February 2003 Just a few mistakes have been corrected really. v2.1 - 29th of December 2002 A few mistakes corrected and after realising that I had the whole thing written out twice, I have removed the copied bit to make the file more readable. Very sorry if it confused you. v2.0 - 19th of December 2002 Ahh, complete and utter stisfaction. I have finally completed the K-Chat script! I thought that it would have taken longer but the parts seemed to go by faster then ever before. Anyway, this might be the last update unless there are enough corrections to require a new edition. Thanks for reading and goodnight. I will still take all corrections and stuff so keep sending them in! v1.4 - 15th of December 2002 Finally got back into the swing of things with this script after taking a few days off with my new Walkthrough on GameFAQs (was already on IGN) to add some stuff to that. Anyway, with this one then. Finished off Thor (I hate him!) and all the ads till Michelle Carapadis. Done some of her talking (not much as yet) as soon as both her sections are complete (and the ads in between and after) the script will be mostly complete (except for errors of course) so Merry Christmas again! (10 Days to go!) (and 6 sections to go!) (plus I slightly redid the ASCII thing again but not much) v1.3 - 10th of December 2002 Well, large update today, added the whole (still a few corrections to do but it's mostly done) Jez Torrent script given to me by Psy and is the biggest contribution by anyone! Thanks! I have also now completed the Claude Maginot section and have started with the Thor bit, but that may take a while as I have got quite a bit to do for it. So all the way to section ac are done. Today I have scripted over 20 minutes of the show and I expect to do more by tomorrow. Just 12 sections left to do (part of it is the Thor script and Jez Torrent last bit) v1.2 - 1st of December 2002 Merry Christmas! (Or at least in 25 days, but still) I have now added the start of the Mr Zoo conversation (as when I saved in the game it had just started) And added all the info for all the different conversations and adverts. Just got the dialogue for 29 more sections to do but 19 already done so the script should be finished by next Sunday. v1.1 - 30th of November 2002 Finished up with all the way to BJ Smith's conversation. Still got the Thor, Jez Torrent, Mandy and Michelle Carapadis bits of K-Chat to do! Nearly there now! Only a few days till the script is complete in sections (though correctness in words and stuff will probably take a while longer) v1.0 - 29th of November 2002 Added a lot. Rest of Mr Zoo talk and half the Gethsemanee bit. Listed some stuff after that as filling spaces which people can send the bits into if they want! That's it really. Made a few alterations to the original bit but not much. ,-----------------------------------------------------------------------------, |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~THANKS~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~--~| '-----------------------------------------------------------------------------' Anyway, here the sources/people I need to thank: GameFAQs for hosting this script for K-Chat. IGN for hosting this script for K-Chat as well. Rockstar North for making a great game with a great radio station in. Dan Houser and Lazlow for writing the original script for K-Chat in Vice City. All the voice actors who recorded the station. And the contributors to the script: dr_evil1981 lint6 Psy hendrix Thomas Cygnet04 Forelli_boy Tony Unladen Tristan Michael Fierro Rick Lee StoneTempleDude ,-----------------------------------------------------------------------------, |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~CONTACT~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~| '-----------------------------------------------------------------------------' Please contact me at the following email address regarding the script if you've spotted any large errors. Make sure to state clearly what you're talking about. darkgta (at) gmail (dot) com ,-----------------------------------------------------------------------------, |~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-COPYRIGHT~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~--~| '-----------------------------------------------------------------------------' Copyright 2002-2009 dark52 All trademarks and copyrights contained in this document are owned by their respective trademark and copyright holders. ,-----------------------------------------------------------------------------, '-----------------------------------------------------------------------------'