Tomb Raider (1996)
Review by matt91486
"At least Saturn owners did not have to suffer as much"
Tomb Raider has been immortalized by many, mostly teenage boys, because of its start Lara Croft. For some, this seems to get in the way of the fact that this is a horrible game.
Wow! Lets jump much more than we should. Then let us run around like we are training for a marathon. Let us push a switch. Let us jump from cliff to cliff some more. Run some more. Shoot an enemy laying on the ground thirty feet away. Now we will jump on a ledge and pull a switch. And then let’s train!
Get the idea? The gameplay all adds up to a colossal waste.
Lara Croft at times looks like a lady draw in the sand in the beach. With some sand castles added for extra “realism.” She is the most pixelized character I have ever seen in my life. By far and away the most on the Saturn. Your opponents look like undescribable things with fur. The rocks only look realistic, because there are so many of them, you cannot tell where one ends and the other begins.
The guns look like sock puppets that Lara has put on her hand. The bullets are invisible, so the enemies deaths are invisible, too. But yet they die!
If there was any music in any Tomb Raider game, I surely could not hear it. Maybe my ears can tune bad songs out. Sadly, I could hear the sound effects. The gunfire sounds like a small child yelling “Bang! Bang! Bang!” Lara grunted and groaned every three seconds. The footsteps seemed to drone on and on forever. The enemies made unrecognizable noises, that just sounded like “QWERTYUUNNIDFNL!” “DBUOBBUSODFBSUO!” What realism! They sound like two year olds! And they look like a two year old drew them!
Well, this is the best aspect of this game. Jumping is easy...and running finds a way to be slow and impossible. I ended up jumping forward instead of running usually. Pulling switches is pretty easy too. All you have to do is press one button. Many, many times since there are so many switches.
Ahh...who am I kidding. Pulling switches is not easy at all. You will probably get a blister from doing it. But, the Saturn controller works much better with the game than the PlayStation controller.
Um...not! (Not fun that is.) This game is completely not fun. I would rather go to the proctologist, eat a broken mirror, or play Superman 64 than this. The most fun thing about this game is reaching over and unplugging the system. Plus, you get to exercise that way!
Another fun thing about this game is letting Lara Croft die. Letting those furry blobs of enemies get to you before the “Bang”ing of your gun can start.
Yes, the challenge is quite high. Too keep playing this game! Without killing yourself! In real life!
The game is actually so easy, that if you wanted to, you simply could beat it in a day. While, I cannot picture any of you being stupid enough to play it that long, you could. I cannot picture any of you even playing the game at all.
If anyone reading this plays the game (not heeding all of my cautions), and feel the urge to play it again, seek assistance as soon as possible. You need to stop yourself before you do permanent damage. The game’s low ‘fun factor’ makes sure the game will get no more use as anything but a frisbee.
Do not play this game. At least if you value your life. Well, you can play it. If you like going insane, and you jump constantly all day in real life and think that is fun. As for the rest of you, stay VERY FAR AWAY!
Reviewer's Score: 2/10 | Originally Posted: 07/19/00, Updated 07/18/01
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