FAQ/Walkthrough by KamiNoSamurai

Version: 0.5 | Updated: 08/03/05 | Printable Version


The Kingdom of Loathing is an odd little online game whose main intention seems
to be mostly to make fun of other games that take themselves too seriously. It
is completely free, and a whole lot of fun, so I'd recommend taking a jaunt
over to www.kingdomofloathing.com and checking it out for yourself.

The quests in this game, though a lot of fun at times, can be quite frustrating
to complete. Often, they require you to complete a rather convoluted series of
seemingly unrelated tasks to complete. This guide should help out those of you
who simply cannot figure it out on your own. However, a big caveat here, I
strongly recommend that you try to figure these out on your own first, since a
large portion of the fun of this game comes from figuring stuff out for
yourself. Only use this guide as a last resort, because it will contain HEAVY

| Table of Contents |

     A. Copyright Information
     B. Version Guide
     C. Council of Loathing Quests By Level
          1c. Level 1
          2c. Level 2
          3c. Level 3
          4c. Level 4
          5c. Level 5
          6c. Level 6
          7c. Level 7
          8c. Level 8
          9c. Level 9
          10c. Level 10
          11c. Level 11
     D. Non-Council of Loathing Quests
          1d. Defend the Gourd
          2d. The Untinkerer's Screwdriver
          3d. The Pretentious Artist's Lost Pallette and Paintbrush
          4d. The Crackpot Mystic
          5d. *Mayor Zapruder* Tame the Bugbears
          6d. *Mayor Zapruder* Summon a Mushroom Familiar
          7d. *Mayor Zapruder* Defeat Felonia
          8d. The UB3r 31337 HaX0R
          9d. The Dolphin King's Map
          10d. Hobo Jones' Map
          11d. Most Extreme Haiku Challenge
          12d. Obtain a Pagoda
          13d. The Secret of the Dungeons of Doom
          14d. The Slug Lord's Map
          15d. The Spooky Temple Map
          16d. Unlocking the Castle in the Clouds in the Sky
          17d. The Giant Castle Map
     E. Frequently Asked Questions
     F. Contact Information
     G. Special Thanks & Acknowledgments

| Copyright Information |

This guide is copyrighted by Brian Thompson, 2005. The only websites allowed
to use this guide are:


Please notify me (See section E. Contact Information) if you find any other
websites using this guide, either in whole or in part.

Many thanks go out to my clan, KoL Addicts (www.koladdicts.com) and to my
real-life friends who play this game for helping me figure out some of these

| Version Guide |

v 0.1 Starting Version, not posted.

v. 0.5 All Council of Loathing quests finished. The next version will have the
       non-Council quests in it. I also need Sorceress strategies for all
       classes besides Disco Bandit and Sauceror (the two classes I've beaten
       her with).

| Council Of Loathing Quests  |

1c. Level 1 Council of Loathing Quest: Toot Oriole
     "Welcome, Adventurer. Your first order of business should be to complete
     the training offered by the Toot Oriole. He lives atop Mt. Noob, in the
     Big Mountains."

     This should be a fairly basic quest to even the most inexperienced of
     players, but I will detail it anyway. Below is Toot's text telling you
     what to do and my explanation of it.

     "You have much to learn, young one. Go ye hence, and adventure. I'd
     suggest a few runs at Cobb's Knob, and the Haunted Pantry. Come back to
     me when you're marginally more experienced. Be sure to equip your starting
     items (from the inventory screen) before you do."

     Basically, the easiest way to make sure you've done enough adventures to
     satisfy Toot is to level up once. This shouldn't take you more than a few
     adventures at any one of the locations available to you at the moment,
     but for the sake of Toot's second request, I would suggest Cobb's Knob,
     since it seems to yield slightly more meat than either the Haunted Pantry
     or The Sleazy Back Alley. When you have gained a level, return to Mt. Noob
     and Toot will give you his second task.

     "Welcome back, young one. Now that you've gotten your feet wet with the
     whole adventuring thing, I have an assignment for you. Return to me once
     you have amassed 30 Meat."

     For the completely uninitiated, meat is the currency of the Kingdom of
     Loathing, and you therefore need it to buy things. Like I said before,
     just pick a location and adventure there a couple of times. It shouldn't
     take you too long to get to the lofty goal of 30 meat. Once you've gotten
     that much, return once more to Mt. Noob.

     "In the Kingdom of Loathing, Meat is used to purchase things. Go to the
     market, and purchase some chewing gum on a string. Bring it back to me."

     The market is located inside of Seaside Town. Find the proper store and
     purchase the chewing gum on a string as per Toot's request. Return to Mt.

     "Excellent work, young one. Chewing gum on a string can be used to fish
     things out of the sewer near the market. Give it a shot when you're back
     in town. In the meantime, please accept this headdress as a reward for
     your progress."

     He will give you an Oriole-Feather Headdress, a 15-power hat. Since you've
     got nothing better, you may as well equip it.

     To get Toot's fourth request, adventure some more until you've amassed 100
     meat. Once you have enough, return once more to Mt. Noob.

     "Welcome back, my disciple. It is good that you have returned, for these
     are trying times -- I have broken my favorite action figure. Make some
     meat paste (in your inventory) and fix it for me -- you are my only hope."

     He then gives you an Action Figure Body and an Action Figure Head. In your
     inventory, go to the Miscellaneous page. Down at the bottom of that
     section, you'll see that you can make Meat Paste. Make 1 Meat Paste, then
     click the "Combine Items" link that has appeared at the top of your
     inventory. From that screen, select the Action Figure Body and the Action
     Figure Head in the two separate drop-down menus and hit the "Combine"
     button. Once you are in posession of the restored Mighty Bjorn, return to
     Mt. Noob to recieve Toot's final request.

     "Joy of joys, my disciple! Thank you for repairing my precious Mighty
     Bjorn. Meat paste can be used to combine other items, as well. Spend some
     time playing with it, and see what you can make."

     "And now, for your last assignment, go fetch me a nice-looking twig for my
     nest. The Hermit probably has one. Buy a Hermit Permit in the market, and
     visit him in his mountain abode."

     "Give him this, in trade."

     Toot hands you a Worthless Trinket. These otherwise useless items, along
     with Worthless Gewgaws are the items The Hermit will take in trade for his
     items. Go to the market once more, and this time purchase a Hermit Permit.
     This item allows you one-time access to the Hermitage, where you can trade
     with The Hermit. The Hermitage is found in the Big Mountains, so go there
     with your Hermit Permit and Trinket, and trade for the Golden Twig. Once
     you have this nice twig, return to Mt. Noob for the sixth and final time.

     "Ah. This golden twig will do wonderfully."

     "With that, I bid you a fond farewell -- you no longer need my guidance."

     "Take this certificate, and visit the Council of Loathing, in the Seaside
     Town. They will instruct you further."

     He gives you a Certificate of Participation, which you can proudly set up
     at your Campsite. QUEST COMPLETED!

2c. Level 2 Council of Loathing Quest: Spooky Forest and Your First Familiar
     "We require your aid, Adventurer. We need a mosquito larva. Don't ask
     why, because we won't tell you. In any case, the best place to find a
     mosquito larva is in the Spooky forest, which is found in the Distant
     Woods. We'll mark it on your map for you."

     Go adventure in this newly-unlocked location until you find a mosquito
     larva. Once you are in posession of this odd little item, return to the

     "Thanks for the larva, Adventurer. We'll put this to good use. Have some
     Meat for your troubles."

     Despite this message, you get to keep the larva. Thus, the 500 meat the
     Council gives you is best spent on a FamiliarGro Terrarium in the market.
     Use the terrarium from your inventory to set it up at your campsite, then
     use the mosquito larva to hatch out a mosquito, a familiar which drains
     health from your enemy and returns it to you. To take him with you, visit
     your terrarium and select the mosquito.

3c. Level 3 Council of Loathing Quest: Typical Tavern
     "We've recieved word that the owner of the Typical Tavern, in The Distant
     Woods, is having a bit of a rat problem. I'm sure he'd reward you if you
     took care of it for him."

     To successfully complete this quest, I would recommend getting to at least
     level 4, since the rats you'll have to fight are fairly tough. That said,
     sojourn to the Typical Tavern in the Distant Woods and defeat ten rats.
     Each rat you defeat will give you a Rat Whisker (proof that you beat the
     rat, since you can't trade for these). Once you have ten Rat Whiskers,
     adventure once more at the Typical Tavern to recieve a reward from the
     Tavern Owner: An Ice-Cold Six-Pack and a Shiny Ring. QUEST COMPLETED!

4c. Level 4 Council of Loathing Quest: Meatcar Quest
     "You look like you need a vacation, Adventurer. Down at the Shore, they
     have a wide variety of relaxing trips available. Unfortunately, it's
     pretty far away, so you'll need a car to get there."

     "Also unfortunately, there are no more car dealers left in the Kingdom
     since that Pork Elf Wizard came through a few years ago. You'll have to
     build your own car. You should be able to find almost all the parts for
     it down at Degrassi Knoll. It's in the Nearby Plains."

     This quest is the most involved one you've receieved so far, so expect to
     spend quite some time adventuring at Degrassi Knoll before you get all
     the necessary parts. You will need the following parts: 1 Cog, 1 Empty
     Meat Tank, 1 Spring, 1 Sprocket, 1 Tires, 1 Sweet Rims (obtained from
     The Hermit, not from the Knoll), 6 Meat Paste, and 1 Meat Stack. Most of
     these items are most easily obtained from a Degrassi Knoll Toolkit, but
     they can also be found as regular drops. Once you have the necessary 
     items, it's time to start combining items from your inventory.

     First, combine the Spring and the Sprocket to make a Sprocket Assembly.
     Combine the Sprocket Assembly and a Cog to make a Cog and Sprocket
     Assembly. Combing the Tires with the Sweet Rims to make some Dope Wheels.
     Combine the Meat Stack with the Empty Meat Tank to make a Full Meat
     Tank. Combine the Cog and Sprocket Assembly with the Full Meat Tank to
     make a Meat Engine. Combine the Meat Engine with the Dope Wheels, and
     you've got yourself a Meatcar, which allows you access to the Desert

4c. Level 4 Council of Loathing Quest #2: The Boss Bat
     "The Council requires another task of you, Adventurer. You must slay the
     Boss Bat. He can be found in the deepest part of the Bat Hole, in the
     Nearby Plains. Slay him, and return to us with proof of your conquest."

     Sounds pretty straightforward, right? Wrong. This is one of the most
     annoying and time consuming quests the Council gives you. You need a bunch
     of items to finish it, as well as at least a couple more levels under your
     belt before you can even hope to go toe-to-toe with the Boss Bat.

     The first step of this quest is to go to the Bat Hole. You'll notice that
     there are two areas immediately available to you, as well as three blocked
     off areas. You'll need to start off by adventuring in The Entryway until
     you get a Pine-Fresh Air Freshener, or unless you have some other item
     that provides Stench Resistance. The next area, Guano Junction, is
     inaccessible until you've equipped such an item.

     Once you have the Air Freshener (or whatever), take some time to adventure
     at Guano Junction. You'll need three Sonar-in-a-Biscuit from Guano
     Junction. Each time you use one from your inventory, one of the walls in
     The Bat Hole will collapse, revealing a new area. The Batrat and Ratbat
     Burrow and the Beanbat Chamber are superfluous to your quest, but can be
     great places to adventure to get stats and items. Your real goal is the
     Boss Bat's Lair, where your showdown with a hideous, two-headed bat

     Prepare yourself well, get the best equipment your stats allow, and cross
     your fingers, because even at level 6, this battle is no walk in the park.
     I can't really provide you with any particular strategies for the battle,
     but make sure you keep your health high and eventually this affront to
     nature will fall in defeat. He will drop you a Bandana, which you need to
     take back to the Council.

     "Well done! You have slain the Boss Bat. As a reward, we present you with
     this belt made from his skin."

     They then give you a Batskin Belt, which at the moment, has not particular
     use for you, though it'll come in handy later on. QUEST COMPLETED!

4c. Level 4 Council of Loathing Quest #3: The Nemesis of the Cave
     Note, first off, that this quest is entirely optional to continue the
     sequence of Council Quests. However, it does net you a pretty nifty hat.

     "We have recieved news that might be of interest to you, Adventurer. In
     the Dark and Dank and Sinister Cave, deep beneath the Big Mountains, our
     agents have detected the presence of a dangeous foe: <Your class's

     Just as an interesting aside, the various names for the Nemesis are:
     Lumpy, the Sinister Sauceblob for Saucerors; The Spirit of New Wave for
     Disco Bandits; Somerset Lopez, Dread Mariachi for Accordion Thieves;
     Stella, the Turtle Poacher for Turtle Tamers; The Spaghetti Elemental for
     Pastamancers; and Gorgolok, the Infernal Seal for Seal Clubbers. The hats
     they drop, in the same class order as above, are: Ancient Saucehelm,
     Disco 'Fro Pick, El Sombrero De Lopez, Elder Turtle Shell, The Colander
     of Em-er'il, and The Scalp of Gorgolok.

     Once you enter the Dark and Dank and Sinister Cave, the first area you'll
     need to get through is The Fly Bend. In order to pass this, you'll need a
     Gnollish Flyswatter. The next obstacle is a door with a broken lock. To
     bypass this, you need to have a cog and a sprocket in your inventory.
     These will be consumed when you pass the door, so make sure you don't need
     them for something else. The next obstacle is a Lavatory Troll, who needs
     something to put on his fries. Grab some Ketchup or Catsup from The Hermit
     to get past this ravening beast. Now, another door blocks your way. Oddly
     enough, it seems to be completely covered with salad, though you wouldn't
     know it from the picture. To bypass this door, you'll need a set of Knob
     Gobling Tongs to pick all the salad away. The final obstacle is yet
     another Lavatory Troll, this one in need of some Fairy Gravy. Venture into
     the Haiku Dungeon to get some, then waltz on by this ugly brute. The final
     room of the Cave is the Chamber of Epic Conflict, wherein you can fight
     your nemesis. With victory comes the nifty class-specific hat and a new
     entry on your Character Sheet. QUEST COMPLETED!

5c. Level 5 Council of Loathing Quest: The King of Cobb's Knob
     "We've gotten word, Adventurer, that the Knob Goblins, who normally keep
     to themselves over at Cobb's Knob, are planning a major military action
     against Seaside Town."

     "We need for you to go deep into the Knob, and nip this problem in the
     bud, so to speak, by neutralizing the Goblin King."

     "We've marked your map with the location of the secret entrance that will
     allow you to go inside the Knob. Many Bothans died to... oh, wait, never
     mind. That was something else."

     You remember how I said the last quest was a pain? Well, this one is even
     worse, second only to the Naughty Sorceress quest when it comes to taking
     time and effort and needing some good fortune to complete expediently.

     You need to go inside of Cobb's Knob, to the Harem, and adventure there
     until you have a Knob Goblin Harme Veil, one pair of Knob Goblin Harem
     Pants, and one vial of Knob Goblin Perfume. Put on the Knob Goblin Harem
     Pants and Veil, and use the perfume on yourself if you feel you are ready
     to take on the Knob Goblin King. Be forewarned, however, that he is a
     powerful foe, not to be taken lightly. It is highly recommended that you
     be at least level 7, possibly even level 8 before you take him on. Losing
     against the King will force you to find another Knob Goblin Perfume, as
     its effect only lasts 1 turn; therefore, it is best if you are properly
     prepared for taking on the king so you only need one perfume.

     Again, the best strategy for fighting this boss is simply to gird yourself
     with the best equipment available to you and hope. By level 8, he should
     pose no real threat to you, so be patient and don't take him on too soon.
     When you do finally defeat him, he will drop you two Dense Meat Stacks
     and a Crown of the Goblin King, a nifty hat that gives you +10 to your
     primary stat. QUEST COMPLTETED!

6c. Level 6 Council of Loathing Quest: The Deep Fat Friars
     "The Deep Fat Friars in the Distant Woods are having a problem -- one of
     the experiments has gone awry, and fey creatures have invaded their grove.
     Please, Adventurer, lend them your assistence."

     Head on over to the Deep Fat Friar's Grove in the Distant Woods. There,
     you'll find some distressed Friars who ask you to find the Dodecagram, a
     Box of Birthday Candles, and an Eldritch Butter Knife.

     Begin by adventuring in The Dark Heart of the Woods, where the Box of
     Birthday Candles can be found, because you can also find some Infernal
     Insoles here, which reduce fire damage. Since most of the monsters here
     deal fire damage, this can make your task somewhat easier.

     Adventure in each of the areas until you have the three necessary items,
     then adventure once at the Deep Fat Friar's Gate to cleanse the grove.
     When you've completed this quest, the Friars will teach you the secrets
     of being able to consume more. On your first playthrough, they will give
     you a Liver of steel, which allows you to get up to 20 drunkeness. If
     you are on a Teetotaller path, you get Stomach of Steel, which allows you
     to eat up to 20 fullness. If you are on an Oxygenarian path, you get
     Spleen of Steel, which allows you to use 20 stat boosters per day. QUEST

7c. Level 7 Council of Loathing Quest: Undefile the Crypt
     "Recently, an aura of extreme Spookiness has begun to emanate from within
     the Cyrpt, near the Misspelled Cemetary. We fear that some horrible
     monster has taken up residence there, and begun to rile up the local

     "Would you be so good as to investigate?"

     This quest is somewhat simpler to complete than the Goblin King's quest,
     but still will take a bit of time and numerous adventures, so expect to
     spend most of a day's adventures completing it.

     To be able to access the Haert of the Cyrpt, where the Bonerdagon resides,
     you must first clear out the four lower areas of the Cyrpt: The Defiled
     Nook, Cranny, Alcove, and Niche. I recommend simply taking them in
     counterclockwise order, starting with the Defiled Niche. The reason for
     this is because here you can find a Lihc Face, a hat that grants Spooky
     resistance. This is useful for the Cyrpt, since all the monsters there do
     Spooky damage, and having Spooky Resistance reduces this damage

     Adventure in the Niche you encounter and defeat the Gargantulihc, a mini
     boss. When he's been defeated, the Niche will disappear from the Cyrpt.
     Next, adventure in the Cranny until you encounter and defeat the Huge
     Ghuol, another mini boss. When he's been defeated, move on to the Nook,
     where you must beat the Giant Skeelton. Once he's been disposed of, move
     on to the Alcove and destroy the Conjoined Zmombie.

     Now that all 4 of the Defiled areas of the Cyrpt have been cleansed, it
     is time to move on to the Haert of the Cyrpt, to take on the Bonerdagon.
     Level 7 should be sufficient to take on this boss, especially if you
     have Spooky Resistance. Once he has fallen, you will get the Skull of the
     Bonerdagon and the Chest of the Bonerdagon. Open the chest to gain a
     respectable amount of substats as well as some meat.

     Take the Skull of the Bonerdagon back to the Council.

     "Aha! So the Spookiness was coming from this abominable creature, was it?
     Well, you have our thanks, Adventurer, for your courageous act of

     "Please, allow us to fashion that skull into something a little flashier."

     They'll take away your Skull, and give you a Dragonbone Belt Buckle in
     return. This can be combined with the Batskin Belt you get from the Boss
     Bat quest to make a Badass Belt, an acessory that gives +5 to all stats.

8c. Level 8 Council of Loathing Quest: Mt. McLargeHuge
     "Adventurer! We've received an urgent letter from the L33t Tr4pz0r,
     requesting our assistence. We're, like, really busy right now, so we were
     hoping you could go out to his place and see what he wants."

     "He lives at the base of Mt. McLargeHuge, the tallest of the Big
     Mountains. We'll mark it on your map for you."

     The L33t Tr4pz0r will be the one to guide you through this long quest, so
     you may as well get used to him.

     "You enter the cabin and find the Tr4pz0r sitting at a table in a bare

     "Upon seeing you, he leaps from his chair with a gleam in his eye."

     "'You must be the one the Council sent to help me. Yee, haw!'"

     "'As you've probably already reckoned, I'm the L33t Tr4pz0r. I live
     'round these parts, and I make my living tradin' furs.'"

     "'Or, maybe I oughtta say I used to make my living that way. The way up to
     the Icy Peak, where I do most of my huntin', has been blocked by all
     manner of ornery critters, and I need your help opening the way again.'"

     "'The first step, Adventurer, is to get me the materials to make us some
     weapons. I reckon 3 chunks of linoleum ore oughtta do the trick. You can
     find some over at Itznotyerzitz Mine, on the other side of the mountain.
     I reckon the Dwarves over there won't take too kindly to you just bargin'
     in and stealin' their ore, so you'll have to figure out some way to
     disguise yerself before you can get in deep enough to find any."

     The first step for the Tr4pz0rz's first request is to head on over to the
     mine and start adventurin' -- er... adventuring (damn me if that speech
     affectation isn't contagious). You'll need to gather up the entire Miner's
     Gear outfit, which consists of Miner's Pants and Helmet, as well as the
     7-Foot Mattock. Once you have these items collected, put on the outfit,
     and once more venture into the mine. With the outfit on, you get different
     adventures, including sometimes striking ore. Tough out the cave-ins by
     resting to avoid completely running out of HP, and eventually you'll get
     the three necessary linoleum ores. Once you've got them, you're free to
     return to your regular outfit, then visit the Tr4pz0r once more.

     "'Hey, fantastic! Let me see that ore, and I'll make us some weapons. Be
     right back.'"

     "He walks out the back door of the cabin, and you hear some clanging

     "A few minutes later, the Tr4pz0r walks back into the cabin with an
     armload of weapons."

     "'Here ya go, Adventurer. Thanks for the help.'"

     Now, he'll hand you a new linoleum weapon depending on your class. Muscle
     Classes (Turtle Tamers and Seal Clubbers) get a Linoleum Sword,
     Mysticality Classes (Saucerors and Pastamancers) get a Linoleum Staff, and
     Moxie Classes (Accordion Thieves and Disco Bandits) get a Linoleum
     Crossbow. If this is your first time playing through the game, odds are
     this weapon is better than what you've currently got, so go ahead and
     equip it ASAP.

     "'The next step is to get us some provisions for the trip to the peak.
     I've got a hankerin' for goat cheese pizzas, so that's what we'll pack.
     There's a pass over yonder where you can find some goats. Bring me back 6
     chunks of goat cheese, and I'll cook us up some pizzas.'"

     A new area now becomes accessible on the mountain: The Goatlet. Adventure
     here, fighting off Dairy Goats, Drunk Goats, and Sabre-Toothed Goats to
     get the requisite 6 goat cheeses. This is also a very nice place to
     adventure for stats, so consider staying here and gaining a level or so
     before continuing on, as the next areas you'll be fighting in are a bit
     harder. When you've got the necessary cheeses and want to continue with
     the quest, head on back to the Tr4pz0r's cabin.

     "'Yee, haw, Adventurer! That goat cheese looks mighty good. Lemme cook it
     up, and we'll be ready to head up to the Peak.'"

     "You sit around for a while watching the Tr4pz0r cook some pizzas. When
     he's done, he hands you your share."

     The three goat cheese pizzas he gives you are quite good in terms of stats
     and adventures gained for the amount of fullness they take up. You can
     cook your own later on, if you so desire, by cooking a Flat Dough and a
     Tomato to make a Plain Pizza, and then cooking that with a Goat Cheese to
     make a Goat Cheese Pizza.

     "'Well, Adventurer, we're almost ready to head up to the Peak. I reckon
     you'll need some kind of protection from the cold, though. If you can't
     find some magical way to do it, you can probably get some warm clothes
     from those crazy kids on the eXtreme Slope. I'd recommend steering clear
     of those Ninja Snowmen, though. They're pretty fierce.'"

     There are three ways to go about completing this task. The first is the
     simplest and least adventure-consuming: If you are a Sauceror in posession
     of the skill Elemental Saucesphere (Level 4 Sauceror Skill, 4000 meat from
     the guild trainer), simply cast it on yourself and return to the Tr4pz0r.

     If you do not have the skill, though, don't fret: there are other ways to
     get to the next step of the quest. The first of these is to adventure at
     The eXtreme Slope until you get the entire eXtreme Cold-Weather Gear
     Outfit. This consists of an eXtreme Scarf, Snowboarder Pants, and eXtreme
     Mittens. Once you've got this outfit, put it on and return to the

     The least recommended way to get the necessary Cold Resistance is to get
     the Hot and Cold Running Ninja Suit. This process requires you to
     adventure at The Lair of the Ninja Snowmen until you get a Cold Ninja
     Mask and an Icy Katana Hilt, then Adventure at the Deep Fat Friar's Gate
     until you get some Ninja Hot Pants and a Flaming Katana Blade. You must
     then combine the Katana Hilt and Blade together to make an Icy-Hot Katana.
     Now that you've got the Hot and Cold Running Ninja Suit, put it on and
     return to the Tr4pz0r.

     "'Great -- it looks like you're all set for some cold weather. Let's head
     on up there, shall we?'"

     "You accompany the Tr4pz0r to the Icy Peak, where he teaches you the ins
     and outs of Yeti hunting. You come back with a sizeable haul of furs and
     meat, which you divide up."

    The Tr4pz0r will give you 5 Yeti Fur and 5000 meat -- a decent reward for
    this quest, I believe. And completing the quest unlocks the ability for you
    to trade in Yeti Furs to the Tr4pz0r for Penguin Skin, Hippopotamus Skin,
    or Yak Skin. QUEST COMPLETE!

9c. Level 9 Council of Loathing Quest: The Strange Leaflet
     "Your name is <your name>, right? This came in the mail for you."

     The council hands you a Strange Leaflet. When you read it, something odd
     happens to the world. For the sake of ease, for this section, the commands
     you're going to enter will be in all caps immediately following the new

     "You read the leaflet, and things become less... illustrated."

     "You are standing in an open field west of a white house. The house's
     front door is closed. You hear a gurgling stream to the south, and a path
     leads north into a dense forest."

     "You open the front door of the house."

     "You enter the house."

     "You're in the house. The house's only furnishings are a plain wooden
     table, a single chair, and a fireplace on the north wall. The fireplace
     is cold and empty. An ornate sword hangs above the mantel."

     "You take the sword."

     "You leave the house."

     "You walk north from the field."

     "You are on a forest path north of the field. A cave leads into a granite
     butte to the north. A thick hedge blocks the way to the west. A hefty
     stick lies on the ground."

     "Thwickety thwack, you cut down the hedge with your sword."

     "You pick up the stick."

     "You go west."

     "You're in a clearing west of the forest path. There is a huge, crackling
     bonfire here."

     "You hold the stick in the flames until it lights. Voila! A torch!

     "You walk into the cave, your torch aloft."

     "You're in a dark and dank cave. A treasure chest sits near the rear wall,
     with a dangerous-looking serpent coiled around it."

     "Your sword makes quick work of the serpent. You're in a dark and dank
     cave. A treasure chest sits near the rear wall, surrounded by hacked-up
     serepent bits."

     "You open the chest, and remove the glorious treasure from within."

     You find a Frobozz Real-Estate Compant Instant House (TM) in the chest,
     the second highest quality place of rest you can have at your campsite.
     Use it from your inventory to set it up.

     "You're in a dark and dank cave. An empty treasure chest sits near the
     rear wall."

     "You discover a tiny hole in the wall behind the chest."

     "You find a Grue Egg in the hole!"

     This final command nets you a large stat boost. This is a reference to the
     oldest computer adventure game of all, Colossal Cave Adventure. If you'd
     care to understand the complete concept behind this quest, check out this
     Wikipedia entry: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colossal_Cave_Adventure.


9c. Level 9 Council of Loathing Quest: The Baron of Rof L'm Fao
     "Adventurer! We've just received an urgent message from the Baron of Rof
     L'm Fao. His Valley, beyond the Orc Chasm, in the Big Mountains, has
     been invaded! You must help him!"

     The first step in this quest requires you to adventure at the Obligatory
     Pirate's Cove in order to get the Swashbuckling Getup. However, you may
     not have access to the Island at the moment, so your preliminary step is
     to gain access. Go to the Distant Beach, and take 5 trips at the Shore to
     get the Dinghy Plans. Then, once you've got the plans, go visit the Hermit
     and trade him for some Dingy Planks. From your inventory screen, use the
     Dinghy Plans, and you'll get a Dingy Dinghy, which grants you access to
     the Island.

     Now that you can actually get to the Pirate's Cove, adventure there until
     you've got the Swashbuckling Getup, which consists of an Eyepatch, a
     Stuffed Shoulder Parrot, and Swashbuckling Pants. Put on the outfit when
     you've got it, then continue adventuring at the Cove until you get an
     Abridged Dictionary.

     Take this to the Untinkerer in Seaside Town (consequently, if you haven't
     finished his mini-quest yet, see section 2d. The Untinkerer's Screwdriver
     for details), and he will turn the Abridged Dictionary into a Bridge and
     a Dictionary.

     Take your new Bridge to the Orc Chasm, and it will be automatically
     deployed, granting you access to the Valley Beyond the Orc Chasm. The
     Dictionary will be of great help to you while adventuring here, as it does
     significant damage to all the creatures who reside here. You'll need to
     adventure at the Valley Beyond the Chasm until you've got two 334 Scrolls,
     a 30669 Scroll, and a 33398 Scroll. Combine the 334 scrolls to make a 668
     Scroll. Combine the 30669 Scroll and the 33398 Scroll to make a 64067
     Scroll. Combine the 64067 with the 668 Scroll to make a 64735 Scroll,
     which is the item you need to help the Baron. Use the 64735 Scroll, and
     you will automatically help the Baron out. You'll explain to him that the
     Dictionary is of great help in beating back the creatu res who dwell at 
     the Valley, and you give it to him. By way of thanks, he gives you 21337
     meat and a Drywall Axe, a very nice weapon. QUEST COMPLETED!

10c. Level 10 Council of Loathing Quest: Giant Trash?
     "Something is amiss, Adventurer. The Nearby Plains are filling up with
     giant pile of garbage, and despite out best efforts, it keeps falling
     from the sky faster than we can clear it up. We need you to figure out
     where it's coming from, and put a stop to it."

     Begin by adventuring at the Beanbat Chamber in the Bat Hole until you get
     yourself an Enchanted Bean. From your inventory screen, use the Enchanted
     Bean, which will sprout into a giant beanstalk, allowing you access to
     The Penultimate Fantasy Airship.

     This new location provides excellent stat gains and meat, so feel free to
     adventure here for a while. Your goal at the moment is to find the four
     Immaterias: The Tissue Paper Immateria, the Gauze Immateria, the Tin Foil
     Immateria, and the Plastic Wrap Immateria. Once you've got these four
     items, continue adventuring until you find the S.O.C.K. This item grants
     you access to the Castle in the Clouds in the Sky, the next area you must
     adventure in.

     Spend some time adventuring at the Castle until you ge the Wheel in the
     Clouds in the Sky. It starts out on "Right now it appears that it's the
     Procrastination Giant's turn to take out the garbage;" any turn either
     clockwise or counterclockwise will satisfy the conditions of the Giant
     Trash quest. However, if you want access to the Hole in the Sky, you need
     to turn the wheel twice in either direction so that it says "Right now it
     appears that it's the Procrastination Giant's turn to guard the back

     Once you've spun the wheel at least once, head back to the council.

     "We're not sure what you did, Adventurer, but the garbage finally stopped
     falling. Thanks a lot! Oh, by the way -- we found this in the garbage we
     were cleaning up, and thought you might have some use for it."

     They hand you a Giant Discarded Plastic Fork, which is a fairly powerful
     staff-class weapon. QUEST COMPLETED!

11c. Level 11 Council of Loathing Quest: The Naughty Sorceress
     "So there's this sorceress, and she's quite naughty. As such, the council
     wants you to do something about it because you're such a nice person like
     that. Go forth, adventurer, and defeat this evil being." [NOTE: This may
     not be the whole of their message to you. If you have a more complete
     version, send it to me and I'll fix this and give you proper credit.]

     This is, without a doubt, the most convoluted and involved of quests,
     which makes good sense, as it is the final quest you'll be doing in any
     given incarnation.

     As you first enter the Naughty Sorceress' lair, you'll need to get through
     three doors. For the first door, you'll need to be under the effect of a
     Sugar Rush. Four items provide this effect (Angry Farmer Candy, Marzipan
     Skull, Tasty Fun Good Rice Candy, and Yummy Tummy Bean), so consume one
     of those, and go through the first door.

     For the second door, you'll need to be under the Wussiniess effect. It
     should be obvious, but the item that provides this effect is a Wussiness
     Potion, so quaff one of those and head on through the second door.

     For the third and final door, you must be under the effect of Rainy Soul
     Miasma. Two items provide this effect (a Thin Black Candle, and a Yummy
     Tummy Bean), so use one of those to gain the effect, then head through the
     third door.

     The last obstacle you come across in this chamber is a Huge Mirror. In
     order to get past it, you must remove all of your items, including your
     familiar's equipment (to make putting it back on easier, I recommend
     saving your current outfit as a custom outfit if you haven't done so
     already. Once you've stripped down to your birthday suit, head back to the
     mirror. It will shatter, and you will be rewarded with a Huge Mirror
     Shard. Now put your clothes back on, sicko.

     As you move on into the next area, you should immediately notice Three
     Stone Mariachis standing in the middle of the room. To bypass the door to
     the north, you must reactivate the Mariachis. To do so, you must first
     solve the mystery of the Perplexing Door. This door has a shifting lock
     on it, and you must find all keys that fit and use them on the door,
     solving six puzzles along the way. In no particular order, the Keys you
     need are: Jarlsberg's Key, Boris' Key, Sneaky Pete's Key, Richard's Star
     Key, Digital Key, and Skeleton Key. The first three keys can be found by
     adventuring in the Daily Dungeon. Richard's Star Key can be made using a
     Star Chart and combining 8 Stars and 7 Lines. The Digital Key is made by
     the Crackpot Mystic when you give him 30 White Pixels. And the Skeleton
     Key can be made by combining a Skeleton Bone with Loose Teeth.

     When you use Jarlsberg's, Boris', and Sneaky Pete's Keys, you'll be
     presented with a riddle. The answers to these riddles aren't all that
     difficult to figure out, but in case you're having trouble, they are, in
     order: Phish, Fish, and Fsh. When you correctly solve the riddles, you'll
     get a Fishtank, Fishbowl, and Fish Hose. You need to combine these items
     to make a Makeshift SCUBA Gear.

     With your SCUBA Gear assembled, you may as well put it on, since to start
     activating the Stone Mariachis, you must adventure at the Perplexing Odor.
     To do so, you must be Wearing the SCUBA Gear. Once you've adventured at
     the odor, you may put whatever accessory you were using before, and head
     back to the Door.

     Using the Richard's Star Key won't do anything unless you have the proper
     items equipped. You must be wearing a Star Buckler and a Star Staff, 
     Crossbow, or Sword and have a Star Starfish as your active familiar. To
     make a Star Buckler, you must use a Star Chart and combine 4 Stars and 6
     Lines. To make a Star Staff, you must use a Star Chart to combine 6 Stars
     and 5 Lines. To make a Star Crossbow, you must use a Star Chart to combine
     5 Stars and 6 Lines. To make a Star Sword, you must use a Star Chart to
     combine 7 Stars and 4 Lines. And to make a Star Starfish, you must use a
     Star Chart to combine 6 Stars and 4 Lines. Once you've got all this, use
     the Richard's Star Key, which will yield a Sinister Strumming Stone Tablet
     from the door.

     The Digital Key may as well be the next key you use. You'll be prompted to
     enter a code when you use this key, and those of you familiar with the
     original NES system might well get this one without any help. Those of you
     not so familiar with the system will probably need help. The code is, for
     the uninitiated, is: Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A.
     Entering the proper code will yield the Squeezings of Woe Stone Tablet.

     The final key you need to use is the Skeleton Key. To win the card game
     the skeleton presents you requires you to be in posession of a Ten-Leaf
     Clover. If you don't, you will automatically lose the game, but if you do
     have one, you'll get the requisite 11. Getting the right number yields a
     Really Evil Rhythm Stone Tablet.

     If you feel like getting another all stat-boosting accessory, assemble
     yourself a Balloon Monkey in your inventory (takes a total of 4 Long
     Skinny Balloons) and hit up the door once more. Doing this will yield an
     Easter Egg Balloon, an accessory which gives +5 to all stats. And that's
     the last thing you can do at the Perplexing Door, so let's move on.

     You'll need a few more items before the Mariachis can be brought fully to
     life: Either an Acoustic Guitarrr (found at the Pirate's Cove) or a
     Heavy Metal Thunderrr Guitarrr (made by combining an Acoustic Guitarrr
     with a Chrome Ore); a Stolen Accordion (Accordion Thieves' starting weapon
     or dropped at the Sewer) or a Rock and Roll Legend (Made by combining a
     Hot Buttered Roll and a Big Rock to make a Heart of Rock and Roll and
     combining that with a Stolen Accordion); and a Tambourine (made by
     combining a Gnollish Pie Tin with Tambourine Bells) or a Bone Rattle (made
     by combining a Skeleton Bone with a Broken Skull). Once you have the
     necessary items, visit the Stone Mariachis, and they will play you a song
     to unlock the door to the north.

     Venturing through these doors reveals that you are now in the Tower
     Courtyard. Beware, however! The toughest normal monsters in the game,
     Topiary Golems, reside in the Hedge Maze in front of you. They give great
     stats, though, so if you are feeling underlevelled for taking on the
     Sorceress, this should be your new location of choice for adventuring.
     Anyway, now you must adventure in the Hedge Maze until you get a Hedge
     Maze Puzzle. Use the Puzzle from your inventory and rotate the pieces
     until you have a clear path to the key. Then, adventure once more to
     actually get the key. Repeat the process with the puzzle, this time
     clearing yourself a path to the northern edge of the maze. Be forewarned,
     however, that each time you rotate a piece of the puzzle, there is a 
     chance that a Topiary Golem will come and steal the puzzle from you. It is
     therefore recommended that you get a couple of puzzles so that you can
     solve the puzzle in its entirety without having to adventure for more.

     Now that you have the key, you may access the Sorceress' Tower. There are
     six new enemies you must get past to continue onward, one on each floor of
     the tower. The trick here is that you cannot defeat the enemies normally.
     Instead, you must use a specific combat item to defeat each one. The
     following chart lists all of the possible enemies and the item needed to
     defeat each one:

     |    DEFEAT       |       USING       |
     |   Beer Batter   |      Baseball     |
     | Big Meat Golem  |     Meat Vortex   |
     | Bowling Cricket | Sonar-In-A-Biscuit|
     |    Electron     | Photoprotoneutron |
     |    Submarine    |       Torpedo     |
     |   Enraged Cow   | Barbed-Wire Fence |
     |  Fickle Finger  | Razor-Sharp Can   |
     |      Of F8      |        Lid        |
     | Flaming Samurai | Frigid Ninja Stars|
     |  Giant Desktop  |        NG         |
     |      Globe      |                   |
     |     Ice Cube    | Can of Hair Spray |
     |   Pretty Fly    |     Spider Web    |
     |Tyrannosaurus Tex|  Chaos Butterfly  |
     |  Vicious Easel  |       Disease     |

     Since these monsters are randomly generated for each player, I cannot tell
     you which monsters to expect. However, most of these items are quite
     easily obtained, so there is no need to fret about finding them to use.
     Once you find out what your next monster is, I suggest running away,
     because if you don't, the monster will instantly kill you, wasting some of
     your valuable turns.

     Once you have bypassed these tough monsters, you will be able to access
     the top of the Sorceress' Tower. It is, of course, time for another
     Puzzle. This time, you'll need to figure out the correct number code to
     unlock the Heavy Door. Going through the Light Door leads you to four
     guards, who are the key to deciphering the code. One guard always lies,
     one always tells the truth, one flip-flops between truth and lies, and one
     craves human flesh. Betcha can guess which one is the one who craves human

     The trick to this is to write down all the applicable numbers the guards
     offer you, in the order they offer it to you, and extrapolate from there.
     Rather than go through a lengthy explanation of the puzzle here, I'll
     just say that their very first set of answers (about people asking about
     about the combination) tells you immediately which of them is the always
     liar or the always truth-teller. The one who answers second (with the
     "He's Lying" response) is either always lying or always telling the truth.
     From there, it's relatively simple logic to figure out the combination. If
     you get the code wrong when you try to enter it, you'll get hit for 50
     damage. If you absolutely cannot figure out the code, feel free to contact
     me and I'll give you the entire conversation I had with them, along with
     my answer.

     Now you'll notice that you have access to the Sorceress' Chamber. Before
     you even consider venturing inside for the first time, go to your
     inventory and equip your Huge Mirror Shard. The reason for this is
     because as soon as you enter the chamber, you'll be hit with a barrage of
     electricity. If you have the Mirror Shard equipped, however, you will
     deflect the attack and it will instead blow a chunk of the Sorceress'
     Chamber away.

     It's not time for the climactic battle with the Sorceress just yet,
     though. First, you'll have to come face to face with your shadow. This is
     an odd battle, in that to damage your foe, you must heal yourself. You are
     best off, then, using Red Pixel Potions every round. However, since these
     can be fairly expensive to either make (takes a bunch of turns farming
     pixels) or to buy at the mall, you may be better off with Doc Galaktik's
     strongest healing potion. Either way, if you find yourself having trouble
     with this battle, your easiest solution is to raise your HP before the
     fight and make absolutely sure that you're at full HP going into the
     fight. When your shadow falls, another large chunk will be blown out of
     the ceiling of the chamber.

     The Sorceress has just one last line of defense against your siege of her
     keep: Two high-leveled familiars. Similar to the monsters you fought on
     the way up the tower, these are determined randomly from this list:

     |   To Beat A   |   Use A 20-LB   |
     |   Angry Goat  |     Mosquito    |
     |   Barrrnacle  |    Angry Goat   |
     |   Levitating  |    Barrrnacle   |
     |     Potato    |                 |
     |   Mosquito    |  Sabre-Toothed  |
     |               |       Lime      |
     | Sabre-Toothed |    Levitating   |
     |      Lime     |      Potato     |

     This can be a bit of a pain to get your familiar up to the proper level,
     but the biggest trick to getting fast exp is to adventure at the Cake-
     Shaped Arena, as this can net you up to five familiar exp per round. Not
     only that, but you will also get a piece of familiar equipment which will
     raise your familiar's effective weight by 5 pounds. Also, getting buffed
     by the Turtle Tamer skill Amphibian Empathy can boost your familiar's
     weight by an additional 5 pounds. If you're having trouble at the Arena,
     try using this site as a reference: 

     Once you've bypassed the two familiars, you're finally ready to face the
     Sorceress. Be forewarned, though: this is the hardest battle in the
     entire game, and you won't even be able to equip your best weapon during
     the fight. In fact, the weapon you ABSOLUTELY MUST HAVE EQUIPPED TO BEAT
     combining a Ruby W with a Metallic A to make a WA, then a Lowercase N with
     a Heavy D to make an ND; combine the WA and the ND to make the Wand of
     Nagamar). The biggest challenge with this battle is that it's really two
     battles in one with no break in between the fights.

     Now, on to the class strategies for the Sorceress!

     Equip the following items:
     Hat: Draggin' Ball Hat
     Weapon: Wand of Nagamar
     Pants: Hippopotamus Pants
     Accessory: 3x Sneaky Pete's Breath Spray
     Familiar: 25+ Pound Ghost Pickle on a Stick or Mosquito

     Bring with you a number of strong combat items, such as Star Throwing
     Stars, Photoprotoneutron Torpedoes, or Plot Holes. She will render many of
     these useless, so be prepared to go through plenty of them on her first
     form. Items become even more useless on her second form, so Moxious
     Maneuver is pretty much your best bet. Be sure to bring plenty of HP and
     MP restorative, and be sure to heal any time your HP drops below 40% or
     so. Using this strategy, and with a little luck, you should be able to
     take her down at about level 12.

     Equip the following items:
     Hat: Wolf Mask
     Weapon: Wand of Nagamar
     Pants: Furry Pants
     Accessory: 3x Kickback Cookbook or Enchanted Toothpick
     Familiar: 20+ Pound Ghost Pickle on a Stick

     Be sure, first of all, that you've purchased the skill Intrinsic Spiciness
     before the battle, as this will raise your spell damage an extra 10
     points. The Furry Suit lowers your Moxie by around 50%, which greatly
     reduces the amount of damage the Sorceress can do to you. Your basic
     strategy for her first form is either to use good combat items or cheap
     spells on her. For her second form, use either Stream of Sauce or
     Saucestorm on her, which with your equipment setup should be doing from
     40-70 damage per cast to her. This will take her down fairly quickly.
     Again, heal immediately if your HP gets down to around 40%.

     When she falls, the King's mystical prison floats in front of you. From
     this point on, however, you can figure everything out on your own, and I
     don't want to give away the fun ascension material. CONGRATULATIONS! You
     have completed all the main quests this game has to throw at you! A
     Successful Adventurer Is You!

| Non-Council of Loathing Quests  |


| Frequently Asked Questions  |


| Contact Information |

The following are viable ways to contact me. If any one fails, try another.
Eventually, you should reach me.

AIM: Catatonicmonkey9
MSN Messenger: Catatonicmonkey@hotmail.com
E-mail: BrianJThompson@gmail.com

Thanks for your interest in my guide!

| Special Thanks and Acknowledgements |

CJayC for creating GameFAQs in the first place
Jick for creating the Kingdom in the first place
My friends and relatives who have helped me assemble the information in this
Anyone else who's contributed that I forgot to mention specifically

Thanks, everyone!