Review by Crazee Boy

"The fact that you poop to save about sums it up."

I rather foolishly bought No More Heroes as soon as it became available, mainly because I had gotten my first job and I spending money like I'd use toilet paper. And I'll admit I had my share of fun, but sadly, it didn't last. No More Heroes isn't a built-to-last game. The novelty of it wears thin quickly. Let's begin.

Graphics and Presentation: 6/10

No More Heroes is cel-shaded, which is a popular trend these days, and while stylish and attractive at first, you'll soon realize how bland everything is. Not to mention the gore, which is ridiculously over-the-top, it's fairly simplistic, and therefore fails at what it's intended to do. (Which is make you queasy.)

The enemies all have extraordinarily boring models, with very little variety between them. Travis (your character) looks good enough, which is more than I can say about his personality. (More on that in a little bit.) You can customize everything he wears, and all of the clothes are well-designed. (There's logos and designs that could pass for real-world fashion.)

The other assassins you fight are about on par with Travis' own design, although a few of them are boring as well. (Boring seems to be a recurring pattern here...)

There's not much I can say about the city it all takes place in. Except that it's boring. And bland. It never changes from day to night, the "inhabitants" are lifeless and can't even be interacted with, and the same goes for every other area you "explore".

Sound: 5/10

There's some good sounds in here, and nice use of the Wii remote's speaker. It's not overused. Your lightsab-- I mean beam katana makes noises you've heard before; deep "whoom" like noises. For the most part, these come out of the TV and Wii remote, and don't sound too bad. I don't think I ever heard any other sound effects, aside from the fittingly deep revving of your motorcycle. (Yeah, don't get excited just yet, I'm going to pick THAT apart too.)

The voice clips as you play will no doubt get grating on the nerves. Travis' clips aren't so bad, and kind of cool sounding. For example, as he jumps to deliver a death blow, he might yell "Die!" or "You're a joke!" The enemies, however, are dreadfully annoying. Generally, you just hear a sharp "AHHHH!" when someone is killed. (If you kill a whole crowd at once, this noise gets even louder and makes your eardrums scream for mercy.) Another death cry, a bit more amusing, is "My spleen!" It makes no sense. No sense whatsoever. And it gets just as annoying as the regular scream.

The voice acting in cut scenes is decent enough. Travis has a good voice, and so do most other characters, although a lot of them (SURPRISE!) are boring.

Music: 2/10

There's not that much music to speak of. Just running around the city, you won't hear a lick of music. Riding on your motorcycle, you hear a quiet guitar and drums tune, which at least fits just driving around. When you're on a level, there's only one song. Yep, one song. Well, I might be wrong, but that should tell you how overall boring the music is... (Hey, there's boring again. I was starting to miss it.)

Controls: 7/10

Here's something that was actually tolerable, and would've been great if there were a better game to go with it. You move Travis around in the conventional fashion, with the control stick. A makes him punch, and I believe the D-pad moves the camera around.

In combat, things don't change much, except that A swings your beam katana, while B performs a melee attack. That's refreshing, at least. Given how frantic combat gets, I'm glad you don't swing the remote to attack. That said, when an enemy is whittled down enough, an arrow appears on screen. Swinging the remote that way causes Travis to do a death blow. If you swing it back the other way while he's attacking, something special happens.

Still, Travis runs slowly, and he seems like he's just dropped a fresh load in his pants. I should point out, while I'm on the subject of crude humor, that to recharge your katana, you press plus and start shaking the remote up and down. Why yes, that looks similar to...!

Next up is driving. Or trying to drive, I should say. Travis has a ridiculously large motorcycle, and it controls nothing like a motorcycle. There's not much to say here other than... It handles like crap, and the collision detection is bad, but you don't lose health for crashing into things, at least.

Game Play: 4/10

Here's the game play in a nutshell. You run around doing odd jobs or assassination missions (which are nothing like assassinations; for example, going to a parking garage to kill the CEO of "Pizza Butt", and having a huge bloody battle with forty or fifty armed guards. And no, I didn't make Pizza Butt up.) The odd jobs are actually fairly fun, and make good use of the Wii remote. ...Well, some of them are fun, anyway. Like cutting the grass and picking up scorpions. Others (cat collecting, I'm looking at you) aren't.

Alright, so, we've saved up the money to challenge the next ranked assassin. (I'll get to that in the Story section.) Now what? We go to the ATM, send the money, and go back to our hotel. We get a humorous phone call from the movie rental store, asking Travis to return an overdue porn tape, and then Sylvia, who got Travis involved in this, tells him where to go.

So after much wrestling with the motorcycle, we're here. But we can't simply rush in and kill somebody, no, we have to go through a long, bland level and kill everything that moves.

Whew, that took awhile. Look, a toilet! Use it. You poop to save here. All done? Good. You've got some paper on your shoe. Alright, time for the battle.

Jokes aside, some of the bosses are fun, and humorous. (There's a superhero-styled assassin who shoots a huge laser from his crotch. You know you're interested.) Some of them are boring. (How many times is that now?)

And that's the game in a nutshell. You can spend your hard-earned cash on other things, like new clothes, wrestling videos to learn new moves, improve your stats by going to the dojo (the master of the dojo also repeatedly asks to molest Travis, stating "Make sure your ass's clean!" How charming.) and new beam katanas. You can also dumpster-dive for new clothes and use a metal detector add-on for the beam katana to find cash, but really, it's pointless.

Story: 3/10

Travis, down on his luck, unable to pay the rent (which is odd; even run of the mill bad guys have cash flying out from between their buttocks when they die) and sick of it all. Then he meets Sylvia, a beautiful woman who seems to be German or Swedish. (Who knows?) She convinces him to become an assassin, and, using the beam katana he won in a contest, Travis sets out to be the very best, that no one ever wa-- Whoops, sorry, wrong game. But you get the picture.

Also, he wants to get some tail. "If I become number one, will ya do it with me!?"

There's not any character development to speak of. Travis is apparently an immature person, although when he enters combat, he makes a startling shift into a cold, bloodthirsty bastard. It seems inconsistent, to be honest. When I finally finished the game, well, suffice it to say, the ending makes no sense at all.

Replay Value: 3/10

This is a game I had to force myself to complete, and that was on the easy difficulty. Upon beating it, you unlock the hard difficulty, which is an adventure I wouldn't go on. The game sat on my rack for a few months before I sold it, which should tell you how much I enjoyed myself.

Overall: 3/10

No More Heroes seems like it's going to be a fun game, and then takes a big dump on your screen. Right about when you get to your motorcycle. I want my fifty dollars back. I see that this game is about thirty now. You still shouldn't buy it. Look over a few games and you'll see Bully: Scholarship Edition for the same price. Buy that if you want a third-party Wii game that will actually entertain you. And I thought it was going to be so good, too.


Reviewer's Score: 3/10 | Originally Posted: 10/06/08

Game Release: No More Heroes (US, 01/22/08)


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