GRAND THEFT AUTO IV

=================
WKTT
WE KNOW THE TRUTH
=================

In-Game Radio Station Script and FAQ

Version: 1.0

Date: 7 May 2008


-----------------
TABLE OF CONTENTS
-----------------

I. Introduction

II. Transcription Notes

III. Characters

IV. Show Transcripts
   
   Station Taglines

   1. The Richard Bastion Show (Episode 1)
   2. Just or Unjust (Episode 1)
   3. Fizz (Episode 1)
   4. The Richard Bastion Show (Episode 2)
   5. Just or Unjust (Episode 2)
   6. Fizz (Episode 2)

V. FAQ's and References

VI. Credits

VII. Contact


================
CONTENT ADVISORY
================

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING: This direct transcription of the We Know The Truth radio station in
Grand Theft Auto IV contains uncensored objectionable language and mature
themes. This document is intended solely for those of an age and maturity
level sufficient to play the game itself (which the ESRB has arbitrarily set
at 17 years.) 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


===========
LEGAL STUFF
===========

This document was transcribed by Brian Taylor. The creative content 
found in the "Show Transcripts" section is the sole property of Take Two
Interactive, Ltd. and Rockstar Games. All content in the other sections is 
my own work and is copyrighted to myself.

This script was created and is intended for free distribution only, for use
as a reference for educational purposes. Any sale or use of this document for
commercial purposes is strictly prohibited. As of this version, GameFAQs is 
the only Internet site authorized to host this document.


===============
I. INTRODUCTION
===============

This script contains close to the full transcription of the audio heard on
the We Know The Truth radio station in the 2008 Rockstar North title Grand
Theft Auto IV.

The station is a fictional, satirical take on conservative talk radio 
programs commonly heard in the United States. The characters consistently
refer to locations and elements of the Grand Theft Auto alternate universe,
which bears many correlations to the actual United States.

The station plays six main programs in a loop, which include two episodes of
each of the following programs.

-The Richard Bastion Show
-Just or Unjust
-Fizz

The Richard Bastion Show is a straightforward conservative talk program that
follows the conventional "host/caller" format. The host, Richard Bastion,
allows callers to make comments and/or ask questions, and Bastion provides
his often lengthy opinions on those subjects and whatever else seems to come
to his mind during the program. The show is almost certainly modeled after
the real-life "Rush Limbaugh Show," which follows a similar format.

Just or Unjust is a mock courtroom show in which an unabashedly misogynist
judge settles petty domestic problems. The judge asks questions of both the
plaintiff and defendant and then allows the studio audience to determine the
appropriate method of deciding the case. This show is a parody of the
numerous television shows that feature a small-claims court judge deciding
similar cases in front of a television audience.

Fizz is a celebrity gossip show in which the three hosts discuss the latest
celebrity news and conduct interviews with various celebrities. This show is
probably patterned after television shows like Entertainment Tonight and
Access Hollywood.



==========================
II. TRANSCRIPTION DETAILS
==========================

The audio for this transcript was captured using a cell phone to record the
output from the Audio section of the Pause menu in the PlayStation 3 version
of Grand Theft Auto IV.

Due to the crude method used for the audio capture, there are certain parts
of the audio that I was unable to make out properly. This problem was most
prevalent during sequences that included background music. There are almost
certainly numerous errors and a few omissions in this transcript as a 
result. Please refer to the Contact section at the end of the document for
information on how to inform me about mistakes or corrections.

In spots where I couldn't even come up with a plausible approximation, I
marked the unclear section with the [unintelligible] tag. If you know what
they're saying in these spots, please read the "Contact" section at the end
of this document for instructions on how to let me know. 

I took great pains to include as many of the standard "filler" sounds that
people tend to make during contemporaneous speaking, even though it can
reduce the clarity of the text and become distracting. I did this to 
maintain fidelity to the source material as best as possible and also to 
demonstrate certain audial cues (like hesitations and moments of being
flustered) that are difficult to get across in text. This is particularly
noticeable in the Richard Bastion transcripts, as his filler sounds are 
often critical to understanding the tone. I also strongly suspect that the
voice actor included most of these intentionally for purposes of mimicry.

I also decided not to include the commercials between shows, because although
many of them are quite humorous, they don't seem to be specific to the WKTT
station. Surely, someone will eventually compile a comprehensive GTA IV
Commercial script at some point.



===============
III. CHARACTERS
===============

Richard Bastion: The host of the self-titled Richard Bastion Show. Bastion 
is a bombastic, unabashedly right-wing host. He is most likely a parody of
the popular real-life radio host, Rush Limbaugh. Bastion's vocal patterns 
are similar in certain ways to Limbaugh's.

Judge Grady: The host of Just or Unjust. Judge Grady is an extremely 
misogynistic "judge" who oversees domestic dispute cases in his "studio
courtroom." He often devolves into sexist diatribes and tends to side with
the men in the cases, regardless how egregious their behavior is.

Jane Labrador: A host of Fizz.
Marcel Lemieux: A host of Fizz. 
Jeffron James: A host of Fizz.



=====================
IV. SHOW TRANSCRIPTS
=====================


================
Station Taglines
================

Most of these begin with "WKTT" and end with "WKTT 1066. We know the truth."


"Because the battle for America begins here."

"Because the liberal media wants to give your country to an illegal
 immigrant."
 
"Because democracy is worth suppressing rights for." 

"Because foreigners don't bathe as often as we do." 

"Because democracy is worth suppressing rights for." 


========================================
1. The Richard Bastion Show (Episode 1)
========================================

ANNOUNCER: Conservatives finally have a real voice on the radio...it's the 
Richard Bastion Show.

CALLER: This country's going to hell. Ever since we let those damn Australians 
back in this country, everything has gone to shit. What in the hell did we go
to war with them for in the first place?

BASTION: I'll tell you why. We did it for freedom and for valuable munitions
contracts.

CALLER: [unintelligible] and drift up in a cute little bunny suit with holes
cut in 'em so their penises will stick out and they pound each other's 
heinies, makin' weird-ass animal noises.

BASTION: Do you hear what public television has brought to you, America? Do
you hear what's happening to the children? Heinie pounding!

ANNOUNCER: Saving America from itself...it's the Richard Bastion Show.

BASTION: We're back America, here's the Bastion Buddies salute. 
[trumpet plays] At ease. Today on the show we're going to talk about why 
America is number one. OK, without further ado, let's do what this show is all
about, and hit the phone lines. You are the people that make this show. All I
do is make the money and spend it on facefuls of pharmaceuticals until I go 
deaf. Hello, caller!

CALLER: I just wanted to call in and say that I absolutely love the
show.

BASTION: Well, I absolutely love that you think that, OK? Now, now you want to
talk about what makes America number one, huh? 

CALLER: We have a completely incompetent buffoon for a leader. We drive 
outrageously large gas-guzzling Maibatsu Monstrosities. 

BASTION: I know. Isn't-it's fantastic, isn't it? What we've been given from 
our forefathers-the freedom from thought. Y-that, for my money, is real 
freedom! Knowing you're always right! That's...real freedom! It's like
life is a party that's never gonna end, and, and you're not hosting that 
party, you're there, so you can, you know take a-take a dump on the coats, and
you know, you can leave your beer bottle in the toilet if you want, it doesn't
matter, it's not your house! OK, we're just here to have a good time. Now this
is unless we make a serious mistake in the election! You know, think about it,
you can't expect someone with no backbone to police the world! And...that's 
what these liberals don't understand! Drinking is a sin. Laying is a sin. 
Fisting? You know, that's a mortal sin! And the trannies...don't even get me
started on the trannies, it's, it's science run amok. It's very confusing, OK?
I'm looking at a woman, I'm talking to the woman, I see the woman's 
penis...now I'm confused! I don't know what's going on! The 
government...i-i-is turning into a confused transgendered prostitute. I mean
it really is! They don't know who to serve! You feel terrible afterward, you
have this overwhelming feeling that everything in your life is horribly wrong.
Yes, it feels good while you're doing it. Yes, you're making him/her feel 
good. But still, it's wrong. Julie on Line 1.

CALLER: I'm totally with you, Richard! I feel like there's a full assault on
our values. We need to prepare our own counter assault. I mean, I'm a good
person with good values. I think we should just go after anyone who doesn't
agree with me or celebrate my holidays!

BASTION: Julie, you're totally right. I-I mean, the minority agenda, the, uh
midget agenda. Yuck! Yuck! I mean, every idiot in this country has a damn 
agenda. I mean, what about my agenda, you know what that is? America! It is up
to us, Bastion's Buddies, to tell people what they can do. Because if not, 
they're gonna live like heathens. Left to their own devices, they're gonna 
eat their own c...shit! You know, they're gonna have sex with their daughters!
We gotta tell them what to do, a-and what to listen to, o-otherwise, we're 
gonna be screwed. We're gonna be screwed. We want order, America! You hear me?
We...want...order.

CALLER: Well, I'm ready to take the Bastion's Buddies pledge!

BASTION: OK, well, all you gotta do right now, Julie, I need you to raise your
right hand. OK, I'm getting another Buddies pledge. It's abstinence. Now, what
is that? It's...doing nothing. Now, you're good at doing nothing, right Julie?

CALLER: Yeah, I'm totally frigid!

BASTION: That's great! That's great! Abstinence from sexual activity, it 
builds up hormones...now listen to me, this is science, this is me using 
science for good. Abstinence builds up hormones. Abstain for a long time,
produces, a euphoric feeling, OK? It is nature's anti-depressant. Say it. "I
will not come on to men." Say it with me.

CALLER and BASTION (in unison): I will not come on to men, and sodomy is a
sin, even if I crave it. [flute playing along]

BASTION: Good. OK, I take that pledge...every morning. When I wake up, I-I-I
look in the mirror, OK, you know, after I get done doing my facial scrub, and
then, I-uh put some toner on my face, uh, but after that, I say that pledge.
It's great for strength, and purity of our nation. There are no better ways to
serve your country apart from one, and it involves taking out museums, and 
inappropriate health facilities. If we-we're gonna stay pure out there, and 
focus on turning this country into an aggressive and limited access paradise,
then listeners? You're gonna need to start by avoiding, uh-romance novels! 
Any machinery that vibrates! Uh-hand soap! Baby oil! Baby soap! Hand oil! The
Internet, OK? Jumper cables! Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-you know, what are the-
trampolines! All right, trampolines, you get a-a-a young lady on a trampoline,
and her boobs start bouncing, or you get a well-endowed man and his package 
is bouncing all over, you're gonna start thinking, there's more to life than
shutting up and that's not...what...is true. It's that simple. Next caller!
What's wrong with this country?

CALLER: We don't have enough mascots.

BASTION: You know, OK-that is true. This is so true. Kids-the children of 
America, need to look up to people like Derrick the Dodo! A-and, not some, 
not some liberal puppet o-on public television to teach her how to count. OK,
there's only three numbers I care about, and that is 3-2-1-Launch, OK? And 
that is what I like to hear, right before we send a missile cock into some 
asshole country's mouth. All right? N-now, if I need my kids to be taught 
tolerance? You know, sometimes-i-it's a dirty word in my household, tolerance.
I-I'll tolerate them fighting, OK? That is what I'll tolerate. I don't need 
them to uh-uh-learn about life, from puppets, OK? You don't learn anything
from anybody that likes having a hand put up their ass. The only puppet I 
like...is the President.

CALLER: I-I have a great idea and I would try it at home and at work, because
I have four wonderful darling babies.

BASTION: Ah! Four babies! You hear that America? Another of Bastion's Buddies
making little soldiers to fight this culture war, that's great.

CALLER: My babies are cats...

BASTION: Wait...cats? 

CALLER: I named them after patriarchal influences that I'm drawing my 
inspiration for my kitties.

BASTION: OK, Nobody, nobody wants to hear about your stupid useless pussies. 
God! I mean, what has happened to radio? And to this city? To this world? You
know, I cannot wait to be judged. Because I'm gonna be OK. I already know 
that. I know that, because I have secrets that I keep within me, OK? And if 
you keep them bottled inside of ya, then you get to release them in heaven. 
'Cause right now in this earth, my secrets are the only thing that keep me on
heaven's path. Now most of you are-are-a lot of you are screwed! A-and
rightfully so, OK? We've got into the-into the PC mode of like "hey we're all
the same, we're all equal, man, hey, women can do anything men can do, you 
know, even have Adam's apples! Yeah, you know, right. Yeah, sure. BS, OK? 
I don't shop uncontrollably! OK, if I bleed for seven days, I die, OK? You 
know, I can drive a car for more than thirty minutes without hittin' 
somethin', OK? That's the difference. Next caller.

CALLER: First of all, I'd just like to say I love this show, you know, it's
great. You're doin' a good job...for this city.

BASTION: Thank you, thank you. I agree completely, get to the point.

CALLER: Where the hell do these lie-beral fascists get off tryin' to censor
pornography?

BASTION: OK, now now, OK-now listen, put your head up to your radio, so I can
vibrate some sense into that thick head of yours. We need to know who is 
reading and watching what in order to keep the terrorists out and protect-our
morality! That's all that's going on, I mean, mood-altering candles lead to
heavy petting, OK? Don't pet me! I-I don't want to be pet! All right, I-I'm
not a cat! All right? Y-you know what I say? We're not even supposed to be
having sex! Ah...no! Keep it out of my butt! All right? With the nonsense 
o-on TV in this country, like, you know like that liberal Jeremy St. Ives.
Filling women's heads with a-all these irrational expectations about 
masculinity. You know, we-we're all gonna be in trouble, OK, listen...my wife
has never had one of those, ah, so-called female orgasms. A-and she's 
very....very...very happy. You know, she works out a couple times a day with
her trainer, a-a-and she's getting very very good at tennis, OK? Now we have
our faith! That's where our orgasms come from. That's where we get off. From
prayin'! All right? This life is meant to be...shit, so that the next one is
good. You gotta have your valleys to appreciate the  peaks. Y-you know, it's 
like an orgy with virgins. You know, I mean it sounds like a good idea, then 
you get in there and you're kinda like "No, don't put that there..put th-", 
anyway, you get my point. You know, I'm a man who believes in the American
dream. I-I really do. And that dream is I'm in charge, and if you don't like
what I'm sayin', then I'm gonna make wisecracks a-and drop a bomb on 'ya. 
That's it! That for me is, the, uh, the American dream, OK? And maybe, u-our
country oughta sing a song about it, and have me walk around in slow motion.
That's the fully realized dream. You know, maybe then you could make a movie
about me doin' that and we could do action figurines and then myself makin' a
movie about blowin' the shit out of you while I make a wisecrack. Y-you know,
I mean, idea-the dream is endless. That's the beauty of America is I'm 
allowed to dream! That's the dream! Don't complain to me that y-you come over
here, and all you get are the janitor jobs, OK? Don't complain to me about 
that. J-just pick up my shit, and walk out of the room, don't stand in here
awkwardly, don't try to make eye contact with me, OK? D-d-don't talk and 
don't ask about the pictures of my kids, OK? America, we don't want to pick
up our trash, OK? We don't wanna do that, and we don't wanna seat, OK? We'll
be right-we'll be right here in the air conditioning, watching the news, and
stewing over people like you who-who are trying to break into our houses, and
trust me, you come into my house, buddy, you know there's gonna be, uh, uh, 
in store for a little double-barrelled surprise, OK? I will take you, and
I will shoot a hole in you! And then I will torture you, and your family...
for...freedom.

BASTION: That's about all the time we have. Remember, Bastion's Buddies. We 
are right! We will see you next time, on the Richard Bastion Show.



===============================
2. Just or Unjust (Episode One)
===============================


ANNOUNCER: Justice is a game, just like the game of chicken. You've gotta go
full steam ahead, and hope the other guy runs out of energy or money first. 
It takes money to play the game right, and get out on top.

JUDGE: In this court, it's a world where good deeds go undone. Morality is
severely punished, and random luck can destroy your life. I'm Judge Grady,
and this is Just or Unjust.

ANNOUNCER: The excitement of a court show.

LAURIE: He kicked me in the stomach, Your Honor!

ANNOUNCER: The justice of an American courtroom.

JUDGE: I think the wetlands are overprotected anyway. I fine you a million 
dollars for wasting the court's time, you activist scum!

ANNOUNCER: The tension of a desperate network television show.
 
CHUCK: I don't care what your definition of sodomize is! I'm gonna show you
mine!

ANNOUNCER: All fits together, with the incredible excitement of a game show.

JUDGE: Do you love money? Do you? Do ya?

LAURIE: ...yes. 

JUDGE: Well then, unbutton that blouse.

ANNOUNCER: This...is Just or Unjust. Real plaintiffs and defendants in a
radio court of law.

JUDGE: [gavels] OK. Let's get on with this. Welcome to my courtroom. I'm 
Judge Grady. Let's get some justice. Right, today we've got Williams-Jones
against Williams-Jones. Case number 453. Let's get going. I've already read
your opening statements.

LAURIE: Judge Grady, my name is Laurie Williams-Jones. I've been married to
my husband Chuck for two years, and all he does is play that Wizard Online
game Loot and Wank. He plays 'till two in the morning sometimes. When he comes
to bed, he's all grabbin' my ass, treating me like a troll, screamin' "Two
damage! Two damage! Get that ass in the air, troll, I'm about to get aggro!"
Can you help me, Judge? I love my husband, but I am not an avatar.

JUDGE: Look. You are an avatar. Let's get that straight. We all are. And the
sooner people understand that, the better. The reason your husband is in there
lootin' and wankin' and slingin' his wizard junk around is 'cause you got fat
and stopped bein' sexy. I wouldn't even bang you, and I've done a lot of 
trolls in my time. Look at yourself, girl! Do somethin' positive for yourself.
Get some plastic surgery. Chuck, what have you got to say for yourself?

CHUCK: My name is Chuck Williams-Jones. I think my wife is possessed by Satan.
She doesn't refill the ice trays, she hates my parents, she stopped giving me
head. She spends all my money, and thinks she's doin' me a  massive fuckin' 
favor sendin' out Christmas cards. I mean-come on! Give me a break! They just
raised postage again. Ain't nobody givin' a shit about a Christmas card. Even
one with a picture of your fuckin' dog. I don't need to see a picture of your
fuckin' dog in a Santa hat. God damn you! Can you help my wife see what's up?

JUDGE: Hmmm...interesting. And the Court notices that you have a hyphenated
last name. Williams hyphen Jones. Was that her idea?

CHUCK: Yes, it was, Your Honor. I was born Chuck Williams. I went along with
it because that was only fair, you know? I mean, I totally understand that
comes from a time when women were considered property. Women are defective and
misbegotten, but I don't own her. I would like to own a human being someday,
like, you know, like get me a young nubile Filipino boy, and we can sit in my
tropical hut, and play games, and decide who does what by playin' hands-free
touch the quarter...uh...

JUDGE: WHAT? Look what's happened to you! Why you gotta hyphenate? Why you 
gotta be half a man? She took away your manhood, she emasculated you good and
proper. You got some bitch's name on half your shit! Do you pee sittin' down?

CHUCK: Um...
 
JUDGE: Do you pee sitting down? 

CHUCK: Well, we're equal partners and it's not fair that she has to take the
toilet up, so I don't really mind...

JUDGE: Equal partners? You gonna give a man a woman's last name? I'm surprised
you haven't started growin' tits. For the love of all that is holy in the 
world...

CHUCK: You know the deal, Judge. I have to agree, or I'll never get laid 
again!

LAURIE: We have an equal household, Your Honor. Equal. Equality. He wears 
tampons whenever I do so that we may both experience the same burden when I'm
on my flow. 

JUDGE: Equality? Give me back that boat, woman! Let me guess who's at work 
bustin' his ass all day. Let me guess who makes the most money. I know. It's
Chuck. It's the man! You know who's made the most money throughout history?
The man. Who have been the great leaders? Men. Maybe you had Cleopatra, but
Egyptians laid them triangles, tetrahedrons and shit. A triangle is not manly.
Who fought the best wars? Men. [clapping] Who makes the best murderers? Men. 
Who invented the plague? Men. We've got it all, bitch. We run this show. And
I don't give a fuck who knows it! So what if he wants to come home and spend
time online with his guild and pleasure elves, running around with his Orc 
friends. Let him.

LAURIE: Well, family and our children are the most important. Our children
depend on us. We should be protecting and coddling our children, never 
letting them out of our sights, keeping electronic tabs on them at all
times, making them paranoid and neurotic. It's our duty! Children are our 
future!

JUDGE: The future? Where's your jet pack, boy? 

CHUCK: I don't have one, Your Honor...

JUDGE: That's right! Because technology is a lie sent by liberals to kill us,
apart from weapons technology which we use to kill other people! There is no 
future! And you, woman, you disgust me with your liberal ideas. Have you ever
had a three-way?

LAURIE: No, Your Honor, I haven't. That's revolting! [Boos]

JUDGE: No, it is not. What's disgusting is the way you get yourself a dog, 
and the dog hits puberty, and suddenly realized the dog's undercarriage is 
really big. Or when you watch a nature show and see two elephants mating. Or 
when you vomit a bit in your mouth and have to swallow it. 

LAURIE: This is insulting! This is a court of law! All you've given me is a
lot of dog penis and woman hating! What is wrong with you, Judge Grady?

JUDGE: I'm a judge. What exactly did you expect? This isn't a courtroom! It's
a studio! And I'm here not to only administer justice, but also get ratings.
Listen to me. I'm a judge! I'm wearin' a black dress, aren't I? Do you have
any idea what I'm doin' up under this bench when I'm lookin' down at you? 
Oooh...I'm gonna have to retire to my quarters to think about this. [gavel]

ANNOUNCER: While Judge Grady's back in his chambers making his decision, let's
talk to a few people in the courtroom audience. Madam, what do you think? 
Who's in the right here?

WOMAN: I can really empathize with Laurie. Guys only care about women in 
revealing medieval clothing who take it up the back door! 

ANNOUNCER: And what about you, sir?

MAN: Uh...I really liked the part where they talked about elephants doin' it.

ANNOUNCER: We'll be back after this, on Just or Unjust!

----------

CROWD: Just or Unjust!

ANNOUNCER: We're back on Just or Unjust. Judge Grady is coming back into the
courtroom with his decision.

[gavel]

JUDGE: OK, all rise! Please be seated. I've thought about this for a while,
and I've come to a decision. Will you both please approach the bench? OK, 
Chuck, face Laurie. Now, Chuck, raise your hand. Repeat after me. I love you,
baby. 

CHUCK: I love you, baby.

JUDGE: And I will always remember.

CHUCK: And I will always remember.

JUDGE: How good this felt.

CHUCK: How good this felt.

JUDGE: Now smack that bitch!

[Chuck smacks Laurie.]

LAURIE: Ow! What the fuck!?

JUDGE: [cackles] All right, that was just for my own pleasure. I love 
domestic violence. OK, time for Just or Unjust. Courtroom audience names the
game. The defendant and the plaintiff have to play it. How should we decide
this case? 

CALLER: various suggestions, Duel! Duel! Duel! Duel!

JUDGE: Wow. People are pretty unanimous. That's my kind of jury! We're gonna
have to go with Duel or No Duel. Solving things the American way. Here are 
your pistols. Winner gets a thousand dollars and a plexi...

[shot]

LAURIE: [screams] No! 

CHUCK: I've had enough of you, stupid whore! [shot]

JUDGE: Chuck! You're supposed to wait until I give you the signal! We've got 
time to fill! We don't go to commercial for three minutes. Don't you watch TV,
son? Now I got a dead plaintiff on my courtroom floor. I'm gonna sentence you
to 30 days, while you think about what you've done to my ratings. [groans]

[gavel]

ANNOUNCER: This is what our studio audience thinks. Madam, was that justice?

WOMAN: I don't know. They came in with a minor domestic dispute about him 
playing too many computer games, and then, under Judge Grady's incredible 
jurisdiction, he ended up shooting her in the back! Yes, I'd say that was 
justice. 

JUDGE: Great! Join us for the next episode of Just or Unjust. Remember, it 
ain't justice 'till I say so! And today, we saw real justice practiced by real
people in a real court of law. So remember, if you go breaking the law, the
Justice entertainment system may be watching.

CROWD: Just or Unjust! 

ANNOUNCER: See you next time on Just or Unjust.


======================
3. FIZZ (EPISODE ONE)
======================

[song]

ANNOUNCER: From Vinewood to Liberty City, if a celeb shits, eats, or scripts
it, Fizz is there.

WOMAN: Hi! Welcome to this edition of Fizz. The entertainment and celebrity
scene is buzzing like an overdosed debutante. I'm Jane Labrador, and I'm 
joined as ever by our celebrity expert, Marcel Lemieux.

MARCEL: Jane, it's a celeb-tabulous week. I have got so much dirt to share.

JANE: Oooh! And Jeffron James, who is here to make fun of all the people we 
can't. 

JEFFRON: What's up, people?

JANE: Liberty City's entertainment scene has been hotter than a Baghdad 
barbecue. We've had a couple of big name casualties on Star Junction. Maria 
Unsworth was singing her menopause blues away, Middle Age, until she had a hot
flash when it was cancelled this week! 

MARCEL: That's right, Jane. The show has failed to reach 45. Performance said
it. Who wants to hear anything  about the horrors of aging? Listen to this!

WOMAN: I'm horny and nobody wants to fuck me [unintellgible] on the belly 
and that's kind of lumpy!

JEFFRON: I think the worst part is when she showed her flabby batwings on the
stage.

MARCEL: Oh, that's revolting! I hate life without an airbrush! 

JEFFRON: Pick your face up! It's somethin' called surgery! Nip tuck, get some
work done on your funky fat thighs. This is the entertainment industry. 

JANE: Also, tourists in Liberty City are complaining about indecent 
performances at a local night spot. The Perestroika club in Hove Beach is 
home to a wide range of vaudeville performances and has outraged patrons
with both the quality and violent content of its acts. 

JEFFRON: Oh...these rotten, dirty Russkies. They're just takin' over the 
entertainment industry in this town. First the strippers, smellin' like vodka,
and now they want the theater!

MARCEL: Thank God we still have [unintelligible] Week. 

JEFFRON: You do realize you're a stereotype?

MARCEL: I am not, I am an individual! There's no other entertainment 
commentator who's canned, sassy, and bitchy. Leave me alone, has-been!

JANE: Boys, please? Magicians, singers, jugglers, and more are part of the 
vaudeville performances at the Perestroika Club. The master of ceremonies had
this to say.

MC: We have best entertainment in all the city. If you don't like real 
cabaret, the famous, don't come. You offended by man throwing knife, and the
girlfriend stalker, don't come. Some nights with a colt, other nights captain
woman bleeds too much, things about her stepfather's sex change. It's a good
time!

MARCEL: Chocolate, bastle boots magic, people bursting in the sun, sex 
changes, sounds just like a night at my parents' house!

JEFFRON: I would love to get paid to throw knives at pigeons. I would be a 
bitch knife hat-throwin' motherfucker.


JANE: And more on the terrible tragedy.

MAN: Ah, that's right. We haven't had a paparazzi beaver shot for weeks. It's
a catastrophe, for ratings. 

MARCEL: Thank God. If I have to see Jill van Crastenberg's cracked and chapped
chip lips on the Internet one more time, I'll be back at therapy!

JANE: Actually, no. What we're talking about is the death of actor Wayne 
Pearson, who died a few weeks ago, but whose death has gotten great ratings,
and web hits.

MARCEL: Oh, yes. Pearson was found dead in a Las Venturas brothel, and 
Vinewood is struggling to come to terms with their loss. Shock, mourning. 
This is a tragic blow to the entertainment industry! And one we here at Fizz 
are determined to help stretch out! 

JEFFRON: Aww...there there. It's terrible, I feel your pain! A 20-year-old 
millionaire died of too many lap dances and too many drugs...it's a real 
tragedy! [sobs]

MARCEL: Well, you're right. And he did dress like shit.

JEFFRON: Ah, see? That's right! Celebrities deserve to die for bein' better 
than us! That's the subject of this entire show. 

JANE: And, some of the biggest names in comedy are coming to Liberty City. 
Katt Williams is here to do stand-up at the Split Sides club, but he was also
part of a protest in Middle Park against injustice. I spoke with him earlier. 

JANE: Why are you here protesting?

WILLIAMS: Let me explain somethin' to you. We are here to tell the world 
there's a lot of injustice goin' on. Sick people, old people, people that 
don't watch TV were bein' oppressed. 

JANE: How are you being oppressed?

WILLIAMS: How am I bein'...do you know how much it costs to get a ounce of 
good weed in Liberty City? Motherfuckers want 500 dollars. How the fuck am I 
supposed to feed my kids and order Pay-Per-View wrestling, and get a 
sandwich when weed costs that god damn much? And half of it just too 
motherfuckin' strong anyway! Names like White Widow, Northern Light, AK-47,
I'm not tryin' to order a gang, I'm tryin' to order some regular weed.


JANE: You're not here to protest the pharmaceutical companies taking 
advantage?

WILLIAMS: Hell, no. I love pharmaceutical companies, I wish I had a 
pharmaceutical company, I wish I was a pharmaceutical company. All kids should
be on some form of pharmaceuticals. Somethin' to keep 'em calm and inside 
where they belong, not out fuckin' with my ride or stealin' my shit! 

JANE: Comedian Katt Williams. Groundbreaking illusionist Brian Vesuvius wowed
audiences when he made his junk disappear between his legs! 

MARCEL: I could do that! See, look! I'm a woman! It's easy, you just tuck, 
and...

JEFFRON: Please! Put that little guy away! 

JANE: Now Vesuvius is discussing his next big project: a stunt in which he 
plans to shrink his head to half its size! 

MARCEL: I like a little head. Usually after dinner...

JEFFRON: Stop doin' that, would you?

JANE: Vesuvius will perform his cranial reduction, live in space, or so he 
claims. We will stay with this story. Meanwhile, the nightclub in Presario, 
Loresa Swallow about her newest Algonquin venture.

MAN: It's Club Anna! It's gonna be the hottest club in town. Super VIP's.
With all the celebrities, you'll never get in. You've got a gold scale at the
entrance. If you weigh too much, you can't come in! And with the diamond 
encrusted toilet right near the entrance, you can purge until you hit the 
matched weight. And then the bouncer lets you in! Right, Lamar? 

LAMAR: That's right! It's the [unintelligible], bitches! People will do 
anything to get in our club! They'll lie about bein' a celebrity. Or a 
celebrity's dentist! They'll offer you sex, drugs, and money! Now it's down
to the cold, hard facts. How...much...do...you...weigh? 

WOMAN: Latin embalmatoriums are very now, but of course, a bit of a joke, we
just want people to have a good time in a safe environment. I have to say 
that, or they'll shut me down... again. Hey, anyone have a line? Oh, yeah, 
Tony Brin is a loser.

JANE: Fantastic. I can't wait to stop by! That's about all we have time for!

JEFFRON: We'll stay on top of celebs, [unintelligible] on Fizz!



========================================
4. The Richard Bastion Show (Episode 2)
========================================



ANNOUNCER: The number one conservative talk show in America. He's America's 
anchorman, the conservative captain of the good ship Freedom is ready, proving
we can shout down any dissenting voices. It's the Richard Bastion show.

CALLER: I think more and more people need to stop breastfeeding in public. 

BASTION: Absolutely. Breasts are filthy, cover them up, don't make me pull out
my boot knife and give you a mastectomy. 

CALLER: [unintelligible] with birth control, makin' babies, we need to breed 
ourselves like the Chinese.

BASTION: I'm with ya. We need to monitor people's e-mails, we gotta outlaw all
the wrong religions, OK? Cause that way we can finally be free in this 
country.

CALLER: It's the continued pussification of America. It's not OK for them to 
be huggin' each other and cryin' or croakin' about their feelings.

BASTION: You know what? I disagree. I say feel, but feel with your fists, all
right? They're the hammers that God gave you at the end of your arms, OK, you
with me Bastion's Buddies? 

ANNOUNCER: And here's the host, Richard Bastion!

BASTION: All right, thanks for joining me Bastion's Buddies here, and on 1400
radio stations worldwide. Welcome to the show. Now today we're talkin' about
family values on the program. And I'll tell you right now, I'm married to two
women. My wife, my lovely, lovely, wife, with her beautiful hair and pretty 
face, the second person I'm married to? America. Now here's my thing. I won't
go down south on either. Why? Because it does not help with populating this 
great country with real Americans. It's about pleasure, not procreation, and
that is pointless! OK, now if you can't alliterate a real idea, it's too 
complicated, and I will not blind you with science. Now, I-I know why bigamy 
is illegal in most states. I-It's, you know, it's tough! It's tough serving 
two women. In my line of work you need to be able to sing the national anthem
or a, uh....spiritual show tune, with equal amounts of enthusiasm. But 
remember, I ain't just whistlin' Dixie. Cause nobody, nobody likes a whistler,
or a whistle-blower. It's like when, ah, when you see, two people kiss in 
public. Especially ugly people. You know, Good Lord! Keep it to yourself, 
folks, OK? Put the tongues back in their bags, I don't want to see it. You 
know, you keep traditional values. Tradition. You know, there aren't too many
of them around anymore so we better fight for the few we got left. All right,
let me tell ya. I love my country. I would love to tongue kiss the Statue of 
Happiness. You know, just reach my hand underneath that big smock she's 
wearin', and just give her a nice freedom squeeze. Let's go to the phones, 
you're through to me, Richard Bastion!

CALLER: Hi, Ricky, I'm a Bastion Buddy. [trumpet] I've got a problem with 
what this country's become. Nobody gives a shit about holidays anymore. On 
Memorial Day, they don't remember the troops. They're shit-faced on pills
and vodka at a super sale at the mall! On July 4th, they just want to get 
drunk for three days straight and blow shit up! What's wrong with slaughtering
the British, like we used to?

BASTION: What are you talking about? There are a lot of great traditions left,
like, uh, like, you know, hating open-minded liberals, a-and spreading 
unsubstantiated slurs about them! OK? Now, o-on Independence Day, you know, I
like to find a nice Indian casino and celebrate by trying to steal their shit
again! That's what I'm into. Traditional values. Tim, on line 2.

CALLER: You know what really concerns me about America? The educational 
system. First of all, the liberals are making our children learn things like 
geography. Who cares where the terrorists come from? If our children know 
about other countries, there's less time teaching them about American 
superiority. We don't need geography to kill terrorists!

BASTION: [groan] If I had all the time in the world that I've wasted on 
explaining things to women. Here, let me explain something to you, all right?
Public education is another lie, OK? You see it in the bunk they're teaching 
as science. Now, science is good, when it teaches you how to turn a million 
ungrateful foreigners into glass. That, I'm givin' a thumbs up to, OK? That's
a great discovery. But don't tell me that anything that I do causes a problem.
I don't want to hear that. 'Cause YOU'RE the problem! You know why? Because 
this is the land of the free, not the land of the free lunches for minorities,
OK? I don't care if they ARE the ones servin' it. They shouldn't get it for 
free.

[sirens/horn]

BASTION: OK, we've got a live terror sighting. Hello, you're on the Richard 
Bastion show.

CALLER: Yeah, I'm on the train, and I see a guy who's a--terrorist. This guy's
really suspicious!

BASTION: OK, good, what's he doin'?

CALLER: He's sitting there reading some religious shit!

BASTION: OK, now, how can you tell this shit's religious? What is it? What's 
goin' on with it?

CALLER: I'm sure it is! It's in a different fuckin' language! It's Spanish, 
or somethin'. 

BASTION: OK, well, that is a sure sign, OK. What you're sittin' across from 
right there, is Al Con Queso. They're Spanish terrorists, the worst kind, OK?
They're already infiltrated into all our shitty jobs, you know, you see 'em 
outside, uh, at various hardware stores just waitin' for the next strike. 
OK, they're the most dangerous of all, I cannot stress that enough. Now, you
know what you have to do, don't ya?

CALLER: I sure do. I'm up 24/7. We're all trained. There's kids everywhere!
We'll have to let fly with some bullets and see what this bastard's all about!
Thanks a lot, Richard. Eat lead, you Al Con Keeso mother fucker! 

[shots ring out, people scream]

BASTION: That's great, now that-that is a true American. I just want to give 
that man a Heart Stopper from Burger Shot, shove a slice of apple pie up his
ass and salute that guy. That son of a gun loves America. You see? Bastion's
Buddies, we're everywhere, and we're all about keepin' this country safe. 
Next caller.

CALLER: You're always goin' on and on about homeland security and executing
slow people. But I mean, I don't really care about the issues. I've got a lot
of guns, and a pretty impressive penis!

BASTION: Well, you know, I-I think that's all you really need! You know, 
that's the dream that the liberal media is taking away from us. You've gotta
trust me here, I-I've been fined a lot for talking about the size of my
penis. I mean, it is closely shaped to a-a tennis ball container. I'm just 
gonna leave it at that. All right, now, you take the Liberty Tree. Now this
is a newspaper giving aid to terrorists by reporting on unconstitutional 
activities by the government! OK, I don't want to know what the government's
doin', they're doin' it right. That's all I need to know, they're doin' it, 
and they're doin' it right. Sometimes you have to go outside the law, to catch
a bad guy, OK? You see it in movies all the time. What further proof do you 
need? Goin' to the phones! 

CALLER: Yeah, um...I want to talk about that guy's penis, it sounds awesome!

BASTION: No. No, no, no, no, no. Next caller.

CALLER: Mmm...this is Mike Measles, and I'll tell you what's wrong with 
America, man. Stupid people. 

BASTION: Mmm-hmm, yeah. This is a problem. In old America, the America I fell
in love with, we dealt with stupid people very discreetly, OK? Now, now I 
don't know if it's-if it's something in the water, or-or the lack of separate
water fountains, uh, but it's like a plague has taken over, I mean, you know
I've had it with the homosexual agenda. No thank you. Leave us the hell alone!
And with that we're out of time, we'll see you next...time, on the Richard 
Bastion Show. 

=============================
5. Just or Unjust (Episode 2)
=============================



ANNOUNCER: Justice is a game. Just like a game where you play doctor, and the
other boy takes advantage of you, and you block it out for years. It takes 
money to play the game right, but if you run out of money, you run out of 
justice and straight into therapy.

JUDGE: In this court, I am the law. I'm Judge Grady. And this is Just or 
Unjust.

ANNOUNCER: The scripted drama of a court show. 

WOMAN: I'm the mother of his son!

JUDGE: That doesn't mean he can't get some on the side!

ANNOUNCER: Meets justice of an American courtroom.

JUDGE: Somebody give me head and I'll waive the charges!

ANNOUNCER: The tension of a desperate network, trying to stave off its own
self-imposed death rattle, by making a mockery of our justice system. 

MAN: But he put me in a wheelchair! And I've got to save the world in the next
half hour, including commercials!

JUDGE: I'm tired of your fake sob stories. How am I supposed to believe you
lost your leg? Now wheel on out of here, Lieutenant, before I push you down
the stairs myself.

ANNOUNCER: All put together with the incredible excitement of a game show. 

JUDGE: OK. You have ten seconds to tell the truth, or you'll be set on fire. 

WOMAN: This isn't fair!

JUDGE: [laughs] Welcome to America, lady!

WOMAN: [screams in pain]

ANNOUNCER: This is Just or Unjust with Judge Grady. It's the hard world of 
radio justice, real plaintiffs and defendants in a radio court of law. 

JUDGE: Today we've got Allen vs. Davis, case 465. OK, I read your opening 
statements. Let's get goin'. Before me is Lamar Davis and Angela Allen. You 
two used to be in a relationship. And Miss Allen is suing you for five 
thousand dollars to fix damages you did to her car with a baseball bat? Mr. 
Davis, can you explain yourself?

LAMAR: Your Honor, that female is crazy.

JUDGE: Yeah...yeah...sounds like the truth to me. [gavel] Court is adjourned! 

ANGELA: Hey! You're not even gonna hear my side of it?

JUDGE: Oh...well, shit. We've got some time to kill. Why not? Approach the 
bench, Miss Allen.

ANGELA: OK, yes, Your Honor.

JUDGE: Now sit on my lap.

ANGELA: Um...OK. 

JUDGE: There, there. Now isn't that better? Now tell me what happened to you,
baby while I stroke your back.

ANGELA: Well, I was together with Lamar for a year and he started acting 
real crazy. Hey! What are you doing?

JUDGE: Oh, sh...sh...woman, calm down! I'm soothin' you. It's part of the 
legal process. Now, Mr. Davis...

LAMAR: Yes, Judge Grady, I mean, we were together for a while. She was fine,
she carried herself well, and she's got big [grunts] if you know what I mean.

JUDGE: She sure does. I'm feelin' 'em right now. Hold still, girl.

LAMAR: But she's evil! And a cheater! She scratched my brand new truck. I 
needed a truck because I'm an accountant. 

JUDGE: Is that so? You scratched his truck? His new accountancy truck? The 
kind of truck a man who works in a office buys so he can feel like a man 
again? What kind of woman scratches a man's truck? That's his manhood you're
scratchin'. The very essence of his masculinity! 

ANGELA: He sticks outside my house at all times of the night. He's out 
there in the morning, watching me. I go to the store, he's peering at me 
through Sprunk bottles on Aisle 7!

LAMAR: I'm not a stalker, Your Honor. Not after my last conviction. I'm just
tryin' to get some information. These are fact-finding missions!

JUDGE: What kind of information? 

LAMAR: Uh...like who she's screwing so I can kill him. [crowd gasps]

ANGELA: You see, Your Honor? He's psychotic! He's-he's, hey, why are you
touching my hair?

JUDGE: It sure is lovely. So tell me, Mr. Davis, what did you do then?

LAMAR: Well, I was really mad about my truck, so I went to my quiet place 
after my Yoga class, meditated, deep breathing, then I kinda accidentally 
beat all the windows out of her car with a baseball bat [gasps], peed in the
front seat, slashed her tires, and took a dump in the air filter.

JUDGE: You shit in the air filter!?! [maniacal laughter] Give it up, my man.
That's cold.

LAMAR: Yeah. So every time she turns on the air conditioner, her car smells
like my shit!

JUDGE: Ha! That's right. That's right! That's ingenuity right there. That's
what got us out of the primordial soup and into the luxury condos and plasma 
TV's and robotic dogs. Good goin'! I like your style! Now see girl? That's why
you are the undisputed weaker sex and we are humiliating you on the radio. 
Name one woman wrestler who's any good. Name the first woman on the Moon. 
Ah, trick question. Name one woman pro football player. How many women wrote 
Shakespeare's plays? Answer me! You can't. And you...are gonna have to go 
through life as the weaker sex. I mean, tell me girl, did you deserve all 
this?

ANGELA: No, I mean...he owes me. [Boos] He's got a good job, and I had his
child.

JUDGE: You two have a baby?!?

LAMAR: Yes, Your Honor, we did, but I tried to do the right thing and push her
down the stairs, like you recommended on one of your shows, but she had it 
anyway. Then I tried to sell it on the Internet. 

JUDGE: Good deal. Miss Allen?

ANGELA: He acted like he isn't the father. [gasps] I had to do everything 
on my own. I didn't sleep for six months!

JUDGE: You're a terrible mother! [boos] I can tell by listenin' to you! 

ANGELA: But, I love my son.

LAMAR: When I met her, I was 24. She said she was 23, but she was really 13.

ANGELA: No, I didn't! I told you I was 13.

LAMAR: Well, they sound alike...

ANGELA: You told me it was OK because you were from South Carolina.

LAMAR: How do I know it's my baby anyhow?

JUDGE: The DNA test says so.

LAMAR: Well, what is DNA? I've never seen it, and I'm an accountant. How are
you gonna believe in somethin' you can't see? I can't see the wind...

JUDGE: Ain't that the truth!?? I never seen DNA, or stem cells...or a law 
degree for that matter. I'm gonna have to retire to my quarters and think 
about this.

[gavel]

ANNOUNCER: Judge Grady is taking Miss Allen back to his quarters to discuss 
his decision. Let's talk to a few people in the courtroom audience. Sir, what
do you think? Who's in the right here?

MAN: He really has a lot of explaining to do. He pushed her down the stairs!
That's no way to get rid of a girlfriend! 

ANNOUNCER: And what about you, ma'am?

WOMAN: I'm gonna try that thing with the air filter!

ANNOUNCER: We'll be back after this, on Just or Unjust.

ANNOUNCER: WKTT. Because I love my country, and if you don't, fuck you and 
your fat wife. WKTT, 1066. Talk radio for people who are always right.

---

ANNOUNCER: We're back on Just or Unjust, with the case of the scratched truck
and the underage father. Judge Grady is back in the courtroom with his 
decision. 

JUDGE: [gavel] OK, all rise! Please be seated. Now rise again! Now get down!
[music plays]

CROWD: Yeah, that's right!

JUDGE: This portion of Just or Unjust brought to you by America's Next Top 
Hooker on CNT. 

[music]

JUDGE: OK, you know how this works. Courtroom audience names the game. The 
defendant and the plaintiff have to play it. How should we decide this case?

MAN: Make them eat glass!

WOMAN: Put a box of bees on their head!

MAN: Cannibalism! Let's eat them both!

WOMAN: Gladiator cage.

CROWD: Gladiator cage! Gladiator cage! Gladiator cage!

JUDGE: OK...we haven't had this one in a while. Both of you, step into the 
cage! OK. On the floor, you will find a sword, a mace, a flail, a hammer, and
two tridents. Choose your weapons. OK! Now, are you ready? 

LAMAR and ANGELA: Yes!

JUDGE: OK...release the lions! 

ANGELA: Hey!

LAMAR: What the fuck!

[lions roar]

[screams]

JUDGE: [maniacal laughter] That'll teach you to screw with the damn truck! 
Damn! That lion ripped off her arm!

LAMAR: Yeah, bitch, that's what you get!

JUDGE: Oh, it's comin' back to you!

[LAMAR screams]

JUDGE: That's what you get for hookin' up with a young girl and stalkin' her
at the supermarket! Let this be a lesson to you all. Two wrongs don't make a 
right. Damn. I love it.

[music]

JUDGE: What did we learn today? We learned that passion can be your undoing. 
The sensationalist shows like this, celebrity worship, ignoring politics, it 
feels good! Like I just wake up each morning and wrap my hands around the 
American dream and choke the life out of it. Now, studio audience, when the 
lion is done, you guys can go in and eat the rest! [cheers]

ANNOUNCER: Let's see what our studio audience thinks. Sir, was that justice?

MAN: Sure was! I mean, man, when a couple don't get on, rather than a messy 
separation, what Judge Grady gave us today was two people being messily 
separated by lions! That shit was dope!

ANNOUNCER: And you, madam? 

WOMAN: Wow, I knew it! Tastes just like chicken! 

ANNOUNCER: Great.

CROWD: Just or Unjust!

ANNOUNCER: See you next time on Just or Unjust.



====================
6. FIZZ (EPISODE 2)
====================



ANNOUNCER: Celebrities are what matters in America. And we watch their every
move.

CROWD: Fizz!

ANNOUNCER: It's time for Fizz.

JANE: It's Fizz time, everybody! The celebrity show that puts the lobotomy 
back on the cultural agenda. I'm Jane Labrador, and I'm joined as ever by 
Marcel Lemieux, and Jeffron James. And boy have we got a greatly stuffed show
for you today. 

MARCEL: That's right. Lie on your stomach and bite your pillow, America! Let's
find out what's happening in this crazy world of unceasing celebrity banality.

JANE: Let's get down and dirty. Dragon Brain, the movie filled with more CGI,
less story, is sending America Dragon-Crazy! 

JEFFRON: Now here is a movie only fat trolls from the suburbs could enjoy. A 
bunch of pale, inbred religious whackos runnin' around in leather clothes and
hittin' each other with pointy sticks!

MARCEL: What are you talking about? It's fantastic! I can't wait 'til it comes
out in high-def, so you can see every tear in his tunic, as the orcs try to 
mate with Lord Abstentinos-

JANE: We wanted to speak to the star of the show, Clyde Letter, but 
unfortunately, his publicist says his penchant for DWI's has him very busy 
pretending to console the family of the father he killed. Instead, we've
got Dragon Brain child star Christopher Kibbits, who played William of 
Mammary in the film. Here's a tease.

CK: Lord Abstentinos! I've never even touched a girl's bosom (bottom?) Your 
sword is enormous!

JANE: That's powerful stuff!

CK: Thanks. I really learned a lot while doing this film. I learned how to be
a selfish dolt and a materialistic prick, and my director taught me how to 
roll a joint. 

MARCEL: Christopher! Your life must be really exciting right now. Just 
starting to figure out if you like girls or boys...

CK: Oh, it is! I've got a bunch of new Vinewood friends. And I get to wear 
sunglasses indoors! Plus, I started doing coke!

JANE: What is your favorite memory from the set of Dragon Brain?

CK: Oh, it's great. Between takes, Owen McBarbine, who played the wizard, 
he'd take me back to his trailer. He'd perform [???] on his trousers and made
them gross. 

CROWD: Fizz!

MARCEL: He is so cute, I could just eat him up!

JEFFRON: Yeah. Eat him up! There's nothin' more appetizin' than a tween with
a drug problem and a massive ego. What a dick! 

JANE: Also, we spoke with McEllen. Now you may remember McEllen from the 
eighties. His European spitz rock was very popular for a while, and now he's 
planning a comeback!

MARCEL: Good to see you, McEllen. I used to love your records!

MAN: But of course you did. You're a human being. 

MARCEL: And now you're making a comeback!

MAN: Ya. McEllen wants to set the record straight. It is time for everyone to
accept the fact, McEllen has had enormous influence on the music world. 
Before me, the records-they didn't spin!

MARCEL: Really?

MARCEL: Ya. This is true, this is true. McEllen is force of nature. I invent
the game of rock, the hippy scum...

JANE: Meanwhile, in comedy news, our reporter Susan Retriever spent this 
morning getting tested for herpes! So instead we all had an incredibly 
exciting conversation with top comedian Ricky Gervais, who is performing at
Split Sides to rave reviews. 

JEFFRON: Hey, Ricky, I've got a serious question. How come people from 
England never laugh?

GERVAIS: Because not many people go around in England just laughing cause 
they enjoy it, cause they'd be mental. I mean, you see some people on the 
street, walking around laughing at nothing, they also piss in their tongues,
and punch pregnant women in the face. So it's, I mean--

MARCEL: I saw a movie about England once?

GERVAIS: What movie?

MARCEL: I don't know, but one man wore a leather hood, and the other one 
cried a lot.

GERVAIS: Great, well at least you remember where you saw it. Good.

JANE: You do jokes about fat people. Some fat people were going to protest 
your show. 

GERVAIS: A lot of them didn't make it, a lot of them sort of stopped halfway 
and took their breath, and then, um some of them turned up with placards, but
the placards looked tasty, so they were eaten.

JANE: You mentioned in your act, that while you're here you've seen lots of 
commercials for the Relax Power X Motorized Scooter!

GERVAIS: Yes, well, [unintelligble] as opposed to trying to find ways to lose
weight, they've, um, found ways to cut walking out. But I suggest, on the 
Motorized--you still gotta do some things, so what you want to do is get the
pavement moving so you can just literally fall out of bed flat on your face,
and the pavement can move you to the pizza shop. And you can liquidize that--
obviously, if you really want to rub out any movement chewing, you could 
actually inject it straight up your anus.

JANE: You said some nasty things about our best friends, the paparazzi! If 
they didn't stalk people like you, we wouldn't have a job!

GERVAIS: Well, the paparazzi are doin' their job, aren't they? Um, they like
to hide in trees and bushes and, um, take photographs of famous people's 
dresses, and I'm not gonna judge anyone. And if, you know, if most people 
would, uh, hide in trees taking pictures of topless women on the beach, 
they'd be arrested. But if you go, no, it's all right, it's for a newspaper, 
they'll go, "Oh, go on then. Spy on all the women you like, you're not a 
pervert. You're working for a newspaper." 

JANE: What shows do you like on American TV?

GERVAIS: Um, I like, um, America's Next Top Hooker, that's good. I like, um,
Straight Edge. 

JANE: That's just a show selling knives!

GERVAIS: Yeah, they're a little different aren't they? You can't have too 
many knives.

JANE: What do you think about the tragic DWI arrest of Chloe Parker?

GERVAIS: She's [unintelligble.] She's goin' to jail now. She's had a hard 
life. She suffered. She suffered like Mandela. And now it's time to try and 
get her out, and make her a leader.

JANE: What a great interview! I just love British men. That's all we have 
time for! But remember...

JEFFRON: If a celeb shows it, or smokes it.

ALL: You'll find out first on Fizz!

CROWD: Fizz!



=========================
V. FAQ's and References
=========================

This section will be filled out in future versions with any questions or
common observations, including some of my own. Please check the GTA IV Social
Board for a topic entitled "WKTT Script Corrections/Comments."

For now, here's the most common one:

"The voice for Richard Bastion sounds really familiar! Who is he?"

Richard Bastion is voiced by Jason Sudeikis, of Saturday Night Live and 30
Rock fame. 

His performance was brilliant, in my humble opinion.




=============
VI. Credits
=============

Rockstar North for making one of the greatest action games I've ever played.

Rockstar North's creative staff for writing some of the most hilarious
satire and social commentary in the entertainment business. 

CJayC for starting the greatest repository of gaming information on the 
planet, and SBAllen and others for preserving it.

You, for reading.



==============
VII. Contact
==============

For various reasons, I would rather not include my personal e-mail address in
this FAQ, as it is already almost irreversibly cluttered with spam. If you
have any corrections or suggestions and really want to send an e-mail about 
it, you can find it in my Liberty City Stories 100% completion walkthrough.
I rarely check it anymore, though, so don't expect a prompt response.

Instead, when this FAQ is posted, I'll create a topic on the PlayStation 3
Grand Theft Auto IV Social Board on the GameFAQs Message Board where you can
post any corrections or comments, including pointing out typographical errors
or clarifying names or things I was just taking a stab in the dark with. I'll
put the topic in the PS3 Social Board since the general boards move entirely
too fast for it to be found easily.

The topic will be entitled "WKTT Script Corrections/Comments" or something
of that nature.


FIN