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    Integrity 2.0 Radio Transcript by Jarlathazzard

    Version: 2.0 | Updated: 09/12/10 | Search Guide | Bookmark Guide

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    DISCLAIMER: The content herein is copyright Take-Two Interactive Software Inc.
    and Rockstar Games, written by Dan Houser and Lazlow.
    Transcript made by Harwin, 2008-2010. Version 2.0
    Be forewarned that the following contains explicit suggestive content, aimed at
    a mature public.
    |                                                               |
    | If you spot anything in this transcript that needs correction,|
    | you may send me an e-mail at:                                 |
    | ardente_climhazzard[at]yahoo.com                              |
    |                        _____________________________________________________
    |_______________________|                                                     |
                            | Words within square brackets "[ ]" are parts of     |
     ______________________ | dialogue which I couldn't discern from the audio.   |
    |                      || I encourage you to send me an e-mail if you know    |
    | Send comments too!:) || what's being said in those moments.                 |
    |______________________||                                                     |
      WEAZEL NEWS.............................................................[WZL]
        Snippets from Weazel News where they talk about Lazlow and his
        new radio station.
      PART I..................................................................[P10]
        Lazlow welcomes his first guest, a man who thinks is being
        seduced; a girl who doesn't understand she's being
        interviewed for the radio; and a molester who just wants to
        touch women--no strings attached.
      PART II.................................................................[P20]
        Lazlow runs into a teenager who sells weeds; a woman whose
        husband wears her underwear when she's out of the house; a
        computer geek to whom Lazlow asks for help building a Lazlow
        merchandising website; and a girl who believes life's
        gripping questions cand be answered if one pretends one's
        face is a punctuation mark.
      PART III................................................................[P30]
        Lazlow gets into a dispute with a hotdog vendor and is
        belittled by a taxicab driver.
      PART IV.................................................................[P40]
        Lazlow crashes a music-video shooting.
      PART I..................................................................[P50]
        Lazlow humbugs a saxophone player into following him; talks
        about his new sponsor; is mocked by a jogger; and gets
        called out on by the police for peeing in the street.
      PART II.................................................................[P60]
        Lazlow talks about his stepdad some more; introduces his new
        intern, Georgie; is approached by a gay rights activist; is
        slighted by a british guy after a paparazzi make-believe;
        and gets beat upon by a street musician.
      PART III................................................................[P70]
        Lazlow gets his picture drawn by a street caricature artist.
      PART IV.................................................................[P80]
        Lazlow is denied access to Maisonette 9 and is directed to
        Bahama Mamas and later to Hercules.
        People who have contributed to this transcript.
    WEAZEL NEWS                                                               [WZL]
    NEWS 1
    ANNOUNCER: In entertainment news, it's back to the early part of the decade for
    one formerly-famous Liberty City shock jock--Lazlow, who used to host long-
    defunct radio station Chatterbox, is trying to re-launch himself over the
    Liberty City airwaves with a new show. He's still trying to raise funding for
    the venture. He spoke to reporter Eric House.
    LAZLOW: Eric, it's Radio 2.0. You could even say it's Radio 3.14. I mean, I
    like how I stretch on to infinity, like pot. I mean, the Internet had Web 2.0,
    so now the radio is going to have Lazlow 2.0.
    ERIC: What does that mean?
    LAZLOW: Look, I'm not being vague. It just sounded good.
    ERIC: In Broker, I'm Eric House, WEAZEL NEWS.
    NEWS 2
    MIKE WHITELEY: In radio entertainment news, that annoying shock jock Lazlow is
    returning to the airwaves after a six-year absence in which he was tossed by
    community leaders. He announced that the station will be called "Integrity" and
    will be all about.. integrity. Lazlow lost his radio job after the payola
    scandal and, quite frankly, because he had a potty mouth. Mike Whitely, WEAZEL
    NEWS 3
    FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Great news for fans of Lazlow, bad news for most of us. The
    shock jock who was thrown off the air over numerous payola scandals is back.
    Today he formally launched his new talk-show initiative, unironically called
    "Integrity 2.0". After numerous radio jobs in several cities, well-reported
    drugs and money problems, questionable sexual scandals and high-strung neurotic
    personality, we doubt he'll be on the air for long.
    PART I                                                                    [P10]
    ANNOUNCER:  He's getting older, but not wiser. It's Lazlow on Integrity 2.0.
    LAZLOW:     All right, you're listening to the Lazlow Show, only on Integrity.
    We're broadcasting live from the streets of Liberty City. Nobody does live
    radio anymore, nobody apart from me. I'm your host Lazlow. It's been a long
    time, Liberty City. Too long for--for both of us. Kinda had a dry spell there,
    you know. Liberty City is like a woman, you know. You love her, you hate her,
    you come crawling back to her so she can step on your dreams... But--but I do
    love the women here, you know, the chicks in Liberty City have higher
    expectations than the slobs in Vice City, and they're not as paranoid about you
    slipping in some GHB to their drink. This is the media event of the century,
    because I'm bringing radio back to the people. It's Radio 2.0. It's the future,
    you know. You don't listen with your ears, you--you listen with your soul.
    We're gonna be doing a radio show, and a podcast about the radio show and a
    blog that's about the podcast that's about the radio show. It's--it's media
    intermingling, uh, like, uh, like one of those magazine ads that have [all-
    different] ethnicities. You know, I'm getting under the city's skin, you know,
    into the fatty layer with the--with the warm pillow of a [gunt] to rest your
    head on. You look up and you go "where's my dignity?" With this radio show I'm
    making a difference and--and it's all in association with our sponsor ZIT,
    'cause we can spot the song you're looking for. You're listening to the radio,
    you hear a song, call ZIT, 948-555-01100. Yeah, that's right, I'm walking the
    streets doing a show. This is live, people! Huh! THIS IS RADIO!
    WOMAN 1:    Can you keep your voice down? You're talking too loud.
    LAZLOW:     Hey! Easy, honey! I--I'm on the radio.
    WOMAN 1:    Who cares what this is? Shut up!
    LAZLOW:     Yeah? Can you wear a bag over your head? You're ugly. Go play some
    Sudoku and die peeing on yourself. You don't talk to the media like that. This
    is radio! In--in association with my mega-awesome sponsor ZIT. This is about
    people taking the city back from the media bearance. I'm literally walking the
    streets of Liberty City, interviewing people, getting questions answered, you
    know, discovering why people want to live in a crime-infested overpriced dump
    without trees. Ah, excuse me, sir, ah, can I speak to you for a minute?
    MAN 1:      What do you want?
    LAZLOW:     Well, I want you to--
    MAN 1:      Hey--hey, I'm not like that. I'm not a knob goblin.
    LAZLOW:     H-hey, listen, easy. OK? You're not my type. I prefer, you know, 
    unconscious chicks or--or MILFs with--with stretch marks. Besides, listen,
    dude, hah, I'm famous. Do--do you want to be famous?
    MAN 1:      No way! I don't want the paparazzi taking pictures of me naked 
    doing coke.
    LAZLOW:     Sorry, bro, you're a little too late. You just made radio history.
    You're the very first guest on Integrity 2.0. This is history, my friend, the
    Lazlow Show, here, making media history like--like when they shot the president
    on that episode of 72. "Oh, I've been up for three days, I'm--I'm really moody,
    I'm trying to fight terrorism." You know, how come nobody on TV goes to the
    MAN 1:      What are you talking about? Have you been drinking?
    LAZLOW:     Ah--ah--ah, yeah, a--a little. But--but, listen, quiet. OK? I'm
    talking. Let the host talk. People will remember this show, they'll remember
    this time, because, you know, I'm finally re-inventing radio. I'm--I'm like
    Lazlow Marconi, you know. I've tried blogging, porn, I've tried Vinewood, ah,
    gloryholes, facefuls of pills. But screw that. You know. I'm not about
    dependency anymore. It's finally about me, you know, I'm--'cause I'm a good-
    looking guy. I got a six-pack. Huh! Look at that, huh?
    MAN 1:      Oh, c'--dude, don't show me your stomach. That's disgusting.
    LAZLOW:     Hey! Come back here! I--I'll show you my gluts!
    MAN 1:      N--leave me alone!
    LAZLOW:     C'mo--c'mon, you've made history!
    MAN 1:      Go away!
    LAZLOW:     You're like the John Wilkes Booth of radio! What is wrong with the
    people of Liberty City, you know. Don't they want to be famous? Excuse me,
    madam, ah, look--listen, you're live on the radio, have you got anything to 
    GIRL 1:     What?! Oh, my God.
    LAZLOW:     T--take your time, honey. This is the reality of live 
    entertainment, l--like when I put on a fat suit and go and feel up tourists. 
    You know. Or that thing that got me indicted. Are you finally ready?
    GIRL 1:     What are you talking about?
    LAZLOW:     No, it's--no, it's OK, t--take your time. No problem. You know. 
    Imagine you're a stud about to impregnate a prize race horse, you know. I'm 
    kind like the Seabiscuit of radio.
    GIRL 1:     Did you just call me a horse?
    LAZLOW:     N--not really, but, now that you mention it. I'm just getting 
    metaphorical on sort of an equestrian sense, you know. You know. 'Cause I've 
    written fantastic poetry. You know. I bet you look at me and you're thinking 
    "wow, what a guy", you know, "how can I coax this filly into a moral 
    congress? Can this man make a video with a horse?" You know, lust, it's an 
    idea, you know, like freedom, like--like girls with leg braces falling down 
    stairs, like--like dark matter. You know. Like--like shaking it when you're
    done at the urinal, but it doesn't really help. So tell me, what's on your mind
    here in Liberty City?
    GIRL 1:     Yeah, um, oh, my God, am I on the radio?
    LAZLOW:     Do you not realize that? This is a microphone, stupid.
    GIRL 1:     OH-MY-GOD, you're an a**hole.
    LAZLOW:     No. Actually, I'm a DJ. But--but I don't spin records, you know. I 
    spin words, in the minds. Uh, let's go over here to this guy sitting there, you 
    know, eating--eating lunch outside, ah, what do you think is the problem with 
    this city?
    MAN 2:      The problem with this city? Man, look around you. Look at these 
    women. Look at the--look at these skirts. Look what they're wearing. They wear 
    these things and they don't want you to touch them? All of a sudden a cop is 
    after you. All of a sudden their boyfriends are coming after you. Why? Do you 
    want to show me parts of your body? I wanna touch them. Let me touch them and
    I'll go away. I don't want to have babies with you, I just want to touch for a
    little while. Is that a crime?
    LAZLOW:     A--a--actually, s--sort of yeah, yeah, you (OK) can't just go 
    grabbing, you--women's, ah, buttocks.
    MAN 2:      What about lightly?
    LAZLOW:     No!
    MAN 2:      Hey, we--we're people too. We're part of society. And all we're
    doing is, we're just grabbing for a little while and letting go.
    LAZLOW:     Yeah.
    MAN 2:      Nipples. Necks. Buttocks. (OK, I got--) Thighs. (--I got you)
    Front. (OK. Listen. Give me the microphone back!) Feet.
    LAZLOW:     Listen, I agree with you. I mean, the fashion is in big trouble in
    this city. I--you know, women, uh, sometimes, like you say, are--are so
    attractive, you--you--you can't help but--but bite them.
    MAN 2:      Yeah.
    LAZLOW:     Uh, and--and then there's other women that are wearing like those 
    lime-green-and-orange rubber clog sandals, ugh. I--I mean, you kno--women are
    wearing tit curtains now that-(oh, yeah)-that make them look pregnant. I
    mean, you know. (yeah) Men wearing women's jeans. (ohh) I--I mean, you get in
    trouble (hmm) for hanging outside the women's clinic now (hmm) to cruise on 
    MAN 2:      You got in trouble for that?
    LAZLOW:     What happened to freedom in this city? You know, I mean. The mayor
    is shutting down the porn stores, you know, banning smoking, trying--
    trying to outlaw fun.
    MAN 2:      But there's more places you can go, man. You can find some--some
    more places to--to find women.
    LAZLOW:     Like...?
    MAN 2:      Schools.
    LAZLOW:     Could you really not rub your junk (why not?) and--and talk about
    (why not?--) schools?
    MAN 2:      Let me just do it for a little while.
    LAZLOW:     Dude, listen.
    MAN 2:      Schools...
    LAZLOW:     Stop. Listen, dude. (ohhh) OK, just--fi--finish up. I don't wanna 
    be-(there we go)-I just don't wanna-(there we go)-I just don't wanna be-(that's
    it, that's all--)-OK-(--I wanted to do and there it is)-OK. I-(there we go)-
    don't wanna give you blue balls on my radio show. (ohhh) You know. (what a day)
    I mean, I'm talking about the glory days in life. You know, I mean. If you
    think back to when--when sixteen-year-olds could drink and listen to metal
    music, you know, and you could smoke in bars, you--you get in high-speed
    accidents, you go "dude, I lost my right arm" and your friends would say "dude,
    who cares? you can drum". You know, I mean, it's like I--I--I--
    MAN 2:      You--you--think--you--you could do it with your sister?
    LAZLOW:     Dude, shut up. I'm trying to do a fuc*ing radio show here. You know 
    what? I mean. Things were so much simpler before I got divorced, you know. But,
    this really isn't about me. It's about (uhh) you, the people on the streets,
    uh, (yeah) this guy, uh, (mmhmm) rubbing his junk. You know. I mean--it's about
    a revolution, you know. Anyway, this is Radio 2.0. It's in association with
    ZIT. You know, 'cause nobody has been this edgier or--or even stupided to--to
    take on the media, you know. This is the number-one media investment of our
    time. You go out, you talk to the real people of Liberty City, you know, and
    then you've got everything set up and then the fuc*ing a**holes at the Bank of
    Liberty deny your loan the day that [the rent's due] on your studios.
    MAN 2:      Oh, dude, they're the worst. So, you know the little plastic window
    thing? I put my junk right through the little hole on the window.
    LAZLOW:     Ahh--you know, my life is an amusement ride, a--and it needs to be 
    on the radio because, you know, in life it's like you wait in line all day for
    this ride called life, you--you sweat, you hate yourself, and then it's over in
    45 seconds and she looks at you, she says "you know? I have to go" and she sort
    of get--leaves the room awkwardly and--and you just wish that once you could 
    share a bed with someone who wouldn't get creeped out by the pictures of my ex-
    wife on the nightstand. I gotta take a break.
    -------------------------------|COMMERCIAL BREAK|------------------------------
    PART II                                                                   [P20]
    ANNOUNCER:  Telling you like it is on the tough streets. Here is Lazlow, trying
    to reclaim his integrity.
    LAZLOW:     Alright, you're back, it's the Lazlow Show on Integrity. Integrity
    is the name of the station. I'm out here walking the streets of Liberty City,
    doing a live radio show, meeting the real citizens of the city, you know. 
    Getting urban, you know. Like--like a music video, and I'm in slo-mo, and--and
    there's just girls dancing around me. Ah, excuse me, young man, ah, do you want
    to be on the radio?
    MAN 3:      Young man? You trapped in the seventies? Nobody says "young man".
    What else you gonna say? "Fresh"?
    LAZLOW:     Look--whatever, homeboy. Listen. Tell me what the kids are into. I
    gotta connect with the kids. Not my private parts, you know, but--that's for
    online--but, what are you out doing?
    MAN 3:      Yo, I'm delivering weed.
    LAZLOW:     But, you--you're only like thirteen.
    MAN 3:      Exactly. I won't go to prison. That's what my cousin told me. We
    work for flyhighpizzapie.com You want a smoke? It's good sh*t. I got Purple
    Goat, Widow's Laughter, Blueberry Nightmare, Amsterdam Amnesia and some
    hydroponic Nun's Vagina. It's all good. It's good sh*t. Blow your head off.
    Only three hundred dollars a quarter.
    LAZLOW:     Damn! Ain't this city is some overpriced sh*t. Look, I don't need
    fancy brand names for reefer. Yeah--commercialism is destroying the grit of
    this city. You know, when you can catch an STD from a--from a him/her. You
    know. Look at Star Junction. People singing to each other and fisting puppets,
    instead of having gun fights and shooting horse. Get out of here. You know,
    this show is not gonna be like the one I did at that--that radio station in
    buttfuc* nowhere. I spent the last few years of my life in a gin martini
    getting shafted by the cruel fates of slow career suicide. The city makes you
    angry. Makes you wanna rip a--rip a fool's head off. You know. Bite people on
    the cheek for talking on the fuc*ing mobile phone on the train. You know, bite
    people walking too slow up the stairs of the subway. You know. Bite people that
    are more successful than me. It--it's like I'm radioactive. Why can't I have a
    girl half my age like all my friends that are in the media? Huh? Someone young
    and dumb. You know, I've taken a lot of risks. Ju--just like this. You know.
    I'm--I'm back. They say you can't keep a good guy down. You, sir, can you keep
    a good guy down?
    MAN 4:      Sure, but I don't wanna go down, man. You can go down on me. Heheh.
    LAZLOW:     Oh, wow. Easy, fella. You know. I'm a raging heterosexual. Ask my
    ex-wife. That's why they call me Jack Rabbit Jones. What is wrong with this
    place? You people are freaks.
    MAN 4:      Hey, a**hole. I'm not a freak.
    LAZLOW:     Right. Whatever. You know, there may be a lot of freaks in Liberty
    City but the biggest freak in town is back. Me. Excuse me, ma'am, my name is
    Lazlow, am I the biggest freak you've ever met?
    WOMAN 2:    Are you kidding? You should meet my husband. He wears my underwear
    when he thinks I'm out of the house.
    LAZLOW:     Hey, there's nothing wrong with that. You know. I mean, I've worn
    WOMAN 2:    Damn. You've got some problems, son.
    LAZLOW:     Hey, it's not weird if a chick asks you to do it. Then it's hot.
    Listen, I'm--I'm kind of divorced.
    WOMAN 2:    No wonder. You gotta be a man, Lazlow.
    LAZLOW:     Yeah? Listen, are you and your husband up for maybe some webcam
    action? You know, you ca--you can pay to watch me dance online. I--I can do
    like the windmill nude.
    WOMAN 2:    Breakdancing? Are you kidding? Get away from me, please!
    LAZLOW:     Fine! You know, you probably don't even have a blog. Maybe it's
    this moustache and my sexually-suggestive T-shirt that freaks people out. You
    know. I'm just trying to do a radio show. But--but actually, that's what's
    great about Liberty City, you know. You spend two hundred dollars on a vintage
    T-shirt, you wear five-hundred-dollar designer hip-hop pants and--and limited
    edition neon high tops that some teenager scribbled on with a marker and--and
    you're on the cusp of fashion, at least that's what everyone tells me. This
    moustache once got me laid. Yeah--yeah. She was a slow girl, kind of deaf in
    one ear, but man, you give her ten dollars, she was yours in an alley for ten
    minutes. Loved to eat pennies that girl. Excuse me, sir, hey, I'm doing a radio
    show here. It's kinda like a--like a social networking site where--where nobody
    cares about you or your stupid profile. Le--lemme ask you, what's your favorite
    MAN 5:      I--I--I like, um, the top three or the top one. It depends on
    what--what--which one you wanna go by--by which chart. It's ah--I can't stop
    checking electrictit.com, I mean. There's this one thing where there's 
    teenagers lipsynching--
    LAZLOW:     Oh, the viral videos, yeah.
    MAN 5:      Yeah. And th--th--there's a whole bunch of, ah, like teenagers and
    they're lipsynching a song in a bedroom and it's like a high school talent
    show, but I--I--I can't get arrested. Streaming audio. Streaming photos.
    LAZLOW:     Is it that where there's like--like--there's a cup and there's two
    girls and--
    MAN 5:      Yeah. But there's a backdoor you can take. It's--
    LAZLOW:     Listen. I don't need to hear about your backdoor. I'm trying to do
    a radio show. (alright, oh, so you're doing a radio show?) Yes. (is it
    streaming online?) Listen. (is it streaming online?) Listen. All I know is this
    Internet is seriously cutting into my radio career because I gotta tell you,
    the MP3, please. Nobody's gonna be talking about MP3s in a few years. (OK, I'm
    gonna th--I'm gonna show you--) Radio is coming back. (Radio is not coming
    back.) Because it's Lazlo-- Yes! (Radio is not com---) It's Lazlow 2.0. I'm out
    here on the street. Dude, this is some edgy sh*t!
    MAN 5:      No, it's not edgy sh*t. It's not edgy sh*t at all.
    LAZLOW:     Dude, it's not. It's the radio.
    MAN 5:      I wanna download it.
    LAZLOW:     It's the radio.
    MAN 5:      Streaming radio.
    LAZLOW:     Listen, I--I wanna start my own clothing line. Can you help me with
    the website?
    MAN 5:      Virtual or real?
    LAZLOW:     Yeah, uh--pft. Real! (OK) I want to sell like bowling shirts,
    karate uniforms, like trainer's cock socks.
    MAN 5:      How much memory do you have? How much memory? What're the gigs?
    LAZLOW:     I don't know. I just want a website where you can buy Lazlow stuff.
    MAN 5:      How-much-memory? What are the gigs?
    LAZLOW:     I don't know. Listen. I'll tell you what I need. I need stuff. A
    lot of my fans--
    MAN 5:      Do you have an external hard drive?
    LAZLOW:     A--No! A lot of my fans have huffed gasoline, they watch
    professional wrestling, you know. They wanted to be able to-(I did too)-to put
    on a Lazlow shirt and knock kids off a bicycles. And you know and--and that--
    that was (that's how I'm living) rock n' roll, in Vice City in the 80s, I mean,
    that was rock n' roll. Then my career hit the skids and I'm--I'm stuck doing
    this, and talking to you with your horn-rimmed glasses and you've never (this 
    is--) seen a vagina. What is-(I've seen many vaginas, OK?)-what is happened to
    me? Listen, let's go--I'm gonna go talk to this chick over here. Excuse me. (me
    too! lady--) Leave her alone! (lady!) Leave her alone! (hi, how are you? what's
    your URL?) Leave her alone.
    MAN 5:      How much memory do you have? Excuse me, ma'am.
    GIRL 2:     What do you want?!
    LAZLOW:     I--I'm doing a radio show.
    GIRL 2:     Nobody listens to the radio anymore. Give me a break. We have the
    Internet. You ever heard of it? Now leave me alone. I'm trying to send a text
    LAZLOW:     <mockingly> Imtry-to-seh-ah-tes-message. LOL. Listen, I'm doing
    Radio 2.0. You know, radio has been around for a long time. This is like real-
    time MP3.
    GIRL 2:     Whatever. If I can't send emoticons through it, I'm not interested.
    If you get really drunk and pretend that your face is a punctuation mark, you
    can really get to the bottom of life's gripping questions.
    LAZLOW:     Ahhh--OK.
    GIRL 2:     Whatever, old man.
    LAZLOW:     Old man! You bi--You'll never get to experience the 80s, except for
    one of those stupid clip shows on Me TV where washed-up comedians make snarky
    comments. You know, I may be bitter and divorced but--but I plan on getting a
    sports car, you know, and figuring out how to play online games and--and
    banging chicks like you and then dropping you back off at school. You know
    what? Nobody likes your breasts. You know that? Huh? When I was massively
    famous in the 80s, you know, launching my radio career, there was this weird
    performance art about robots and--and a very bizarre man theorized that one day
    DJs would be replaced by robots and that a machine would pick the music and
    hold humans in slavery, walking around with their portable devil DJ machines.
    And here we are, in Liberty City, and the world is oblivious. They've
    got headphones on. But I'm here doing this, trying to get people to listen to
    the radio, to rise up, 'cause they're all controlled by robots. Speaking of
    robots, let's, uh, take a quick break. This is the Lazlow Show on Integrity.
    -------------------------------|COMMERCIAL BREAK|------------------------------
    PART III                                                                  [P30]
    ANNOUNCER:  He's still a dork. And people keep giving him jobs. Maybe they feel
    sorry for him. It's that wise-cracking dufus, Lazlow! Only on Integrity.
    LAZLOW:     Alright, you're listening to Lazlow 2.0, you know, it's called
    Integrity 'cause it's, you know, sort of about me, you know, ah, like--like how
    I'm gonna someday be a like a millionaire in blue jeans, you know, a guitar
    kind of slung over my back, singing--singing about the struggles of--of being a
    blue-collar guy, 'cause, you know, this show's about everybody, no--not just of
    people with money, you know. Li--like this guy. Here's--here's a working-class
    guy on the street--street food kind of vendor guy. Hey, how much is a hotdog
    cost, guy?
    VENDOR GUY: You [already] got a radio show?
    LAZLOW:     Yeah, you're--you're on the radio. (ohhh) Tell us about how you
    live, uh, like piled eighteen high, uh, just to make it in Liberty City?
    VENDOR GUY: Oh, first let me say hi to everybody. Juanita, how are you? How you
    doing? My friend Paul. He lives uptown. Hi, hello. I'm doing good. Selling
    hotdogs. I want to say hi to my kids. I want to say hi to everybody.
    LAZLOW:     Oh, my gosh. You people just breed like rabbits. Listen, just give
    me the hotdog.
    VENDOR GUY: I wanna say hi also to my friend Paulito. I wanna say hi to the
    guys over at the delicatessen. They're always so nice to me.
    LAZLOW:     Why are you--listen, why are you people so friendly?
    VENDOR GUY: Who--who people?
    LAZLOW:     You people. Where're you from?
    VENDOR GUY: I'm from Central America. ... Hello?
    LAZLOW:     I'm sorry. I'm--I'm stupefied. I--I can't really understand what
    you're saying. C--Could	you--
    VENDOR GUY: You stupid?
    LAZLOW:     No. You gotta work on the English, a little.
    VENDOR GUY: You stupid? Hey, you know what, man? YOU've got to work on the
    English. Heheh. We're a team, right? We're--we're a comedy team.
    LAZLOW:     No. No. We're not a team. I am a radio genius and you are so--so--
    I'm trying to expose the dailies. This is sort of like a radio documentary,
    like I'm exposing, you kn---you know, how--how sh*tty your life is and--and now
    your--your father looked down on you one day and (hey) whatever dusty sh*t old
    town you were in and said "son, someday you'll be huffing car fumes on a--on a
    sh*tty street corner selling food poisoning to--to celebrities like Lazlow".
    VENDOR GUY: Hey, guy. You--you think your--your father is proud of you? C'mon,
    LAZLOW:     Well, I mean, my father was, you know, kind of strangely silent my
    whole childhood which kinda explains a lot but--listen, dude, I'm trying to
    bring the media back to the people on the street corner, you know, on the
    radio, because I thought to myself "Lazlow, get back to what you know, get back
    to entertaining people, you know, sleeping with groupies in--in broom cupboards
    and--and--and on yoga mats, you know--"
    VENDOR GUY: What is this? 1969?
    LAZLOW:     No, I--
    VENDOR GUY: I'm also listening, guy, that your name is Lazlow?
    LAZLOW:     Yes.
    VENDOR GUY: You make fun of me and your name is Lazlow? That's a clown name.
    That's a stupid clown. Heheh.
    LAZLOW:     Listen, I'm not a clown. Dude, I've been around. You--I--I--I (you
    haven't been around) used to do coke off a toilet seat, you know, I took
    payola, you know, I--I got paid to make nasty comments about people and e--e--
    everybody said I was really funny and that I was a great guy, you know, and
    deep down don't you feel like you've a deep dark secret you can't admit and
    (yeah) the hell starts kinda rising up again inside and the--the lying and the
    deceit and, (yeah) you know, and you look at your best friend and even though
    he--he's a guy, you know, you jus--you just wonder "what if?" (yeah, OK) and--
    and, you know, and I mean--
    VENDOR GUY: But I don't go spilling it on the streets like this to a hotdog
    guy. Right?
    LAZLOW:     I know there's this--quite a struggle, uh, being a hotdog vendor
    living eighteen people to one of those tiny rooms in-(no, mister, mister)-
    having to (hey, hey, hey) wire money back to sh*thole or wherever the fuc*
    you're from. (hey, guy) I understand. I'm from the Midwest.
    VENDOR GUY: Hey, listen guy. You don't know my story. Alright?
    LAZLOW:     Yeah.
    VENDOR GUY: My--my mother raised me. And my grandmother raised me.
    LAZLOW:     Right.
    VENDOR GUY: But we would wake up every day and we had no money. We had no water.
    LAZLOW:     Uh huh.
    VENDOR GUY: You know--you know what we used for water?
    LAZLOW:     Urine. I don't know. What?
    VENDOR GUY: Tears.
    LAZLOW:     Tears!
    VENDOR GUY: OK? The tears of my family. That's what we had to drink 'cause we
    had no money.
    LAZLOW:     So you would milk your grandmother, like she's some kind of
    VENDOR GUY: You don't understand our culture, man.
    LAZLOW:     No, I don't. (you don't unde--) I see it (you--you) on the
    television, you win all the fuc*ing sh*tty singer competitions on TV 'cause
    "oh, we've got passion" (no). Well, guess what I've got (you know what we
    have?). Huh? I've got a convertible.
    VENDOR GUY: Please, hippie.
    LAZLOW:     Hippie?!
    VENDOR GUY: Yes. Hippie.
    LAZLOW:     Dude, you're a real prick. What's your--ohh, you're on the street
    selling food poisoning. You--
    VENDOR GUY: Listen, listen. These are good hotdogs, OK?
    LAZLOW:     Shut up.
    VENDOR GUY: No, no. Listen. You shut up.
    LAZLOW:     Dude, wh--why don't I shove your fuc*ing stupid face in the hotdog
    water, huh? How would you like that? I'll--I'll--let me give you a little bit
    of (ow) American history. (ow) OK?. To people like you. (ow) Let me grab the
    back of your fuc*ing head and shove your stupid face into the fuc*ing hotdog
    water. I am a fuc*ing celebrity on the edge and I--
    VENDOR GUY: Please don't do that!
    LAZLOW:     --I had it. Take it--how do you like America now, motherfuc*er!
    Yeah! That's right. God, I fuc*ing--I feel alive again, you know, like a--like
    a man when you just grab the back of the head of another man and you just shove
    it right where you fuc*ing--where you want it. G--go! Yeahhh! That'll teach
    'im. I'm a man!
    MAN:        No, you're an a**hole!
    LAZLOW:     Hey! Pipe down up there. Go back to beating up your fat wife.
    MAN:        You'd better shut up or I'll come down and beat the sh*t out of
    LAZLOW:     Hey, you know what? I think I'ms gonna get a couple of blocks away
    from here. God. Why are the street vendors in this town such a**holes, man?
    Alright, this is, the Lazlow Show on Integrity. It's in association with ZIT.
    You know, my sponsor. You know, speaking of foreigners, if we're going to get
    to the underbelly of this city, you know, we should take a cab ride. Excuse me,
    taxi! Yeah, uh, take me to Frankfort and Jade near Star Junction, please. So,
    riding in a cab it's--it's a serious Liberty City experience, you know, because
    these people, ah, drive for like eighteen hours straight and pee in soda
    bottles, you know, then they talk to their friends on cellphones and
    Jack-fuc*-astan or wherever they're from and, ah, toss off, ah, but the
    immigrants, the--they--they bring the city alive, you know, them and the stock
    brokers. But you know, people say "Lazlow, are these p--"
    GUY:        You are Lazlow?! You are kidding me. I remember you. You used to be
    on the radio! You were so funny.
    LAZLOW:     Yeah, thanks--yeah, man. I was on Chatterbox a--and I'm coming 
    back. I'm on the air now.
    GUY:        You were funny for a while but what happened to you?
    LAZLOW:     Uh, what do you mean?
    GUY:        You turned into an annoying creep. All you talk about is how many
    woman you sleep with. You don't look like you've had any women.
    LAZLOW:     Please. OK? Th--this moustache, a lot of girls have ridden these
    handlebars, huh? You know. I mean, since my divorce.
    GUY:        Nobody wants to hear about your problems.
    LAZLOW:     Hey, dude, that's show business, OK? It's about reality these days,
    not entertainment. OK? 'Cause, I gotta tell you, once you've flown first class,
    you know, it sucks to take the bus again. Tha--that's why I got all these
    GUY:        Bring back that vegetarian guy. That was funny.
    LAZLOW:     Don--don't tell me how to do my show. Pewtoo! I spit in your cab.
    GUY:        Get out of my cab! I don't want washed-up celebrities in my cab.
    LAZLOW:     W--washed up? Dude, I'm doing a new show! See you in hell, buddy.
    GUY:        See you later, Lazlow!
    LAZLOW:     Alright, this is the Lazlow Show. The station is called Integrity.
    I--I should mention that we are--we are sponsored by ZIT. Ah, we are going to
    take a quick break. This is the Lazlow Show on Integrity.
    -------------------------------|COMMERCIAL BREAK|------------------------------
    PART IV                                                                   [P40]
    ANNOUNCER:  What is integrity in broadcasting today? Cookie-cutter monotony,
    overseen by [hand ringing] lawyers, irrelevant executives, paranoid
    consultants and greedy fund managers and stock brokers. Now, radio finally has
    LAZLOW:     Alright, Liberty City, you're in for a surprise. It's, ah, the
    Lazlow Show here on Integrity. I'm out on the streets. You got too comfortable,
    Liberty City, you know? Like you're in a dance club and you're having a bit of
    fun with one of the ladies, and you stick your hand down a stripper's panties,
    you know, and you discover a pair of balls. Well, guess what, baby? The bitch
    is back. But I'm not a bitch. I'm a man. Ahh--you--you know, walking the
    streets of Liberty City you always see a film crew doing some sh*tty TV show or
    movie, you know, screws up traffic. Like here. This film crew has blocked off
    this entire street in Liberty City. Now I know for my brief period as a fluffer
    that the best thing about these film shoots is the craft services table. Being
    famous means that you need a buffet that follows you wherever you go, you know,
    and you've a--a special portable toilet if you're--you're too fat to fit in a
    hotel bathroom. I mean, God! So, let's just walk over here to the craft 
    services table. Oh, awesome! Snake a couple of sandw--
    MAN:        Hey! What are you doing?!
    LAZLOW:     Hey. Slow down, Neanderthal. C--Can't you say I'm doing a--I'm
    doing a radio show here, huh? Live, you know? I'm here to interview the star of
    this--ahh--whatever you're shooting...
    MAN:        It's a music video, dumb*ss. Ahh--that's the lead singer standing
    right next to you.
    SINGER:     [?], this food is awesome.
    MAN:        Aw, thanks, man--
    SINGER:     Hey, you're Lazlow, aren't you? I met you backstage at the Love 
    Fist Show.
    LAZLOW:     Oh, yeah, man, I was always backstage at the--
    SINGER:     You were snogging that guy. Totally sucking face.
    LAZLOW:     Wo--wo--wo--wo--wo. Hey. That wasn't a guy. Alright? Sh--she just
    looked like a guy. A--an--and besides, you know, in the 80s all the guys looked 
    like chicks.
    SINGER:     Young man, are you still incontinent?
    LAZLOW:     Dude. Look. That was totally a misunderstanding, OK? I was really
    drunk. I--I don't think that was urine anyway, 'cause--'cause see, I--I had
    this move, you know, when I'm at dinner or at a party with a really hot chick,
    I--I pretend to spill something on my jeans, you know, and--and then I can rub
    one out right in front of her and she thinks I'm trying to get a stain out.
    It's awesome. Hey, what's your video about?
    SINGER:     Oh, it's [?]. I'm finally going to sing something meaningful about
    rain. And how your soul gets wet too. [what?] a lot of smack. You know, a song
    that you can sing at your [birth], right before you go off [? embarrassed
    LAZLOW:     Sounds brilliant. Yeah--I don't think anybody has ever gone with
    the rain angle. Goo--good vibe for a video. You see, there are celebrities on
    the streets of Liberty City. You can bump into 'em anytime. These are the kind
    of encounters that--that Liberty City is all about, you know, where a man lies
    under a rain machine, you know, singing about a soggy soul and a bunch of
    unionized a**holes move around apple boxes. So, this is the Lazlow Show on
    Integrity. Ah--we're going to take a quick break. We'll be back right after
    -------------------------------|COMMERCIAL BREAK|------------------------------
    EPISODES FROM LIBERTY CITY / PART I                                       [P50]
    [Saxophone playing in the background]
    LAZLOW:     So everybody, you're listening to Integrity 2.0 and we're back. We
    have got funding. We got funding! We are back on the air and--as soon as I can
    figure the technology out, what a--a DNS is, we will be live on the World Wide
    Web. [Streaming!] Ah, with what I believe is called a web page. That's right.
    Integrity 2.0 taking free speech somewhere entirely new. To the Internet! We're
    going global! Global, people, like--like all the way around. Where people like
    don't even wear bras or shoes. Haha. It--It's a great big media reach-around
    and for once, Lazlow is not getting bummed. I am doing the bumming. Ha. I'm
    bumming the world! Ha. Where am I going to stick it? Oh, yeah. Yeah. You take
    it, baby. You like that? Maybe I pull your hair, world! Maybe a little below--
    below the Equator. How do you like that? How do you like that? Who's your daddy
    now, world? Lazlow. Yeah, that's right. I am the Big Bang. Ha. I'm back! I was
    a dwarf star and now I'm a fuc*ing supernova! Hah.
    So, everybody, uh, welcome to Integrity 2.0. After a few weeks off the air
    we're back. We've got funding and I want to say, seriously, uh, a--a quick
    moment, thanks mom. Money is rotting in your 401K. The financial district
    screwed everybody in this country. Invest in new media! Me! And now, your money
    is building a show-business empire one brick at a time. Today Liberty City.
    Tomorrow reach-arounds. Heh. I love you, mom. This is the best thing you ever
    did for me. And I love you too, stepdad Isaac. I mean, I--seriously, I love
    you. Uh. You know, I admit I struggled when you came into my live and our
    family, but I really do love you. I know you're the man of the house now. I can
    accept the rules about the curfew... You know. I'm going to get my new place as
    soon as I can find something suitable. I respect you. I respect your rules. I
    cherish our time together. There. Alright? I said it. OK.
    Liberty City. The media! It's a fuc*king jungle out there. Like a--like a Greek
    girl's pants, you know. Thick [strawberry]. I'm talki--talking like
    undergrowth. Overgrowth. Or just busting out the sides in a massive sweet spot
    that emanates juice. Tha--that's me. You kn--I'm the G-spot of radio and I'm
    back. I--I'm a middle-aged man who has been forced by the collapse of global
    media to move back in with his mom and his truly wonderful stepdad, Cockface,
    um, sorry, I mean, Isaac, a--and yet, my name's like Lazarus! Tha--that's my
    name. I--I'm back from the dead! It's Lazlow 2.0. Integrity 2.0. Maybe even 3.0
    some days. You know. Been but never broken. You can't take a broadcasting titan
    down. I--I learned that, a--and trust me, I'm no exception. I'm here to stay,
    like the national debt or syphilis. I'm that unwelcomed itch and pus-ridden
    sore that just won't die. I'm the telling the truth about the city, to the
    city, for the city and any corporate sponsors who want me to put in a good word
    for them, trust me, I'm available for sponsorship. I'll tattoo your sh*t on my
    junk. Haha. I don't care. I know about branding. You know. I do public
    appearances. [I got there], uh, give some sh*t away. T-shirts, dog, T-shirts!
    I'll hand out samples of your product, spray cheese, cigarettes. I'll give 'em
    to kids! I don't give a sh*t! I love capitalism. I hate taxes. Um. And about
    the appearances, you know, I've got good rates. I'm a funny guy. I make people
    love me and--and that--that means they'll love your product. My last public
    appearance was incredible. It was for my stepniece Jill's bat mitzvah. I mean,
    they didn't pay me formally, uh, you know, so I sort of grabbed what I thought
    I was worth out of that--that bag they hand around. I mean, you know, it's the
    honor system, really. Integrity is what this show is about. You know, I did
    a bit of stand-up there. The--the beanie kids. They loved me. I don't think
    they're allowed to watch TV. You know, they related to my stories about
    sleeping with fat rock groupies. They really did. I told this incredible joke
    about incest. [?] It was shocking. I mean, it was daring but it was true. My
    stepdad's family is riddled with this stuff. I mean, family tree like a
    tentpole. More inter-cousin marriages than a bunch of hillbilly hamsters, and
    you married into that family, mom. Nice one! You know, dad's not so bad. So he
    drinks a little bit. I drink every day. Huh! And Martin, my brother, you--
    you're Judas! And a loser. Being a rich TV producer is not cool anymore. This
    is fuc*ing--the 2000s, bro. Nobody watches TV. We steal everything--on the
    Internet! That's why I'm gonna be a new-media player, you know, playing this
    city like a dirty old man plays a tween chatroom. Just--that amazing feeling,
    wondering, if [?] over to your house, is it gonna be a setup?
    Ah, we're coming to you almost live from the streets of Liberty City, talking
    to real citizens, prominent street folk, you know, disadvantaged people, people
    in wheelchairs with one leg, urban characters, stinky homeless people, you
    [Saxophone stops]
    THEODORE:   Goddamn, boy. You just talkin', talkin', talkin', never say
    LAZLOW:     Wha--?
    THEODORE:   You're gonna pay me my goddamn money like you said. I've been
    playing this goddamn saxophone, walking with yo ass for three blocks.
    LAZLOW:     Uh--yes. You've been walking with me for three blocks because I need
    fame music, you moron! And something about a saxophone just says "the streets",
    says "I'm lonely; I'm gritty; there's a siren in the background; it's raining;
    I just throwed up on myself; should I play some jazz or sit on my pee-stained
    mattress and cry?; tie up my arm--insert some skag."
    THEODORE:   Bitch, what the fuc* are you talking about? You said you were going
    to pay me two fuc*ing dollars!
    LAZLOW:     Uh--I haven't got change! All I've got is a five! Don't you have
    change? You're su--That's what you do. You're suppo--
    THEODORE:   Hey, man, fuc* you. I've got to earn a living out here, buddy.
    LAZLOW:     So am I. So the fuc* am I! Look, I'll give you a five. Just sing
    the song I told you to the sing at the beginning of the show.
    THEODORE:   I can't remember it.
    LAZLOW:     Well, here's a hint. Who's your favorite radio celebrity?
    THEODORE:   Martin Serious?
    LAZLOW:     Martin Serious?! Fuc* that hack sellout! Me! Lazlow!
    THEODORE:   Oh, oh, yeah, yeah. Right. I love your show. I love it. Leslie!
    With the show Intimacy.
    LAZLOW:     Leslie? It's Lazlow! With Integrity, not Intimacy! Well, they
    offered me that gig, but even I won't stoop that low. You know, a couples
    sexuality show. Taking calls from perverts and morons in the middle of the
    night. "How to keep things hot in your marriage when she's as frigid as an
    Eskimo? Is fidelity sexy? Let's talk about marital aides." I mean, give me a
    break, people. Nobody wants to hear about sex on the radio. Please! C'mon,
    THEODORE:   It's Theodore.
    LAZLOW:     Bullsh*t! All saxophone players are called Clarence or Walter. You
    know, for a musical people you sure are cranky.
    THEODORE:   Say what? What you--what you say?
    LAZLOW:     I mean, homeless people! Homeless p--I'm not racist. Let's face
    facts, ladies and getlemen. Fair people of Liberty City. I may have stumbled in
    life. Stumbled, been on my knees a little bit, but I'm a man. A tiger. I'm
    Lazlow, and a tiger needs cubs. She was an intern. It was rock n' roll. What
    did you expect? You know, I really thought my wife was more sophisticated than
    that, but no, what did she do after she found out? She ran off with my best
    friend, you cliché-ridden bitch! You're ridiculous! Well, you didn't tame me
    and you couldn't tame me. You've tamed him, alright. I saw the pictures of you
    guys online on your around-the-world vacation. Oh, I'm sure that was a lot of
    fun. Sure, he's smiling now. You know I'm packing more junk than him. Trust me!
    I'm the king of whisky dic*, but when I'm sober I'm a fuc*ing tiger! That's a
    fact. A fact! Plus, I know I'm bigger 'cause I measured when he was asleep.
    Seriously, if that was all I was packing, I wouldn't be sticking photos of
    anything on the Internet. Let alone putting beautiful-rendered pictures of my
    above-average broadsword on sites with a caption that says "What do u think,
    ladies?" and use the letter "u" instead of y-o-u. Uh. Not that I've ever done
    that. I--I haven't, but I mean seriously. What do you expect? Look at me! Women
    can't handle me. I've got all the chromosomes. X, Y, Z. All of 'em! I'm a male.
    You! Hot young jogger. A layer of sexy she-sweat forming on your attractive
    brow. You want to bed a star right now?
    JOGGER:     Fuc* off, creep. This is called running. Not jogging. Jogging is
    for dorks like you still stuck in the eighties. Maybe if you ran a little, you
    wouldn't have man tits.
    LAZLOW:     Tit--tits! These are pecs!
    JOGGER:     They're man tits!
    LAZLOW:     Pecs! I can bench-press 80 pounds! Smell my pheromones. Huh! I
    don't even use deodorant. Heh. Natural! Oh, you may think you have a great
    rack, but gravity always wins in the end. Heh, those puppies, heh, will turn
    into big old dogs soon enough. That's the great thing about getting older: is
    chicks' boobs sag, but our shlongs just get bigger. Heh. She probably just
    wants me to chase her. Women love the chase, li--like a tiger chases a gazelle.
    You know, I'm really into this nature motif at the moment. Maybe I should get a
    satin jacket with a tiger on the back so the--the ladies know exactly who
    they're dealing with. Yeah! Like tigers, I'm an endangered species, you know.
    And I would chase her if it weren't for you, Laz fans! Because I know you
    deserve more than me running after some ass. Running after some jogger in the
    park which I know I could bang. I know! I mean, you want a radio show, not to
    hear me bang. I know you need more than just the-the wild-beast philosophy of a
    rhino let loose on the--the great plains of Middle Park, impregnating
    she-rhinos, conquering the world, a massive horn.
    I really need to spread my scent a little right now, and by that I mean: pee!
    Jesus! I've been standing out here for ages. It is impossible, let me tell you
    out there, uh, in radioland, it is impossible to find a place to pee in this
    city; and the fascist shops won't let you use the bathroom unless you buy
    something! Which is why I like to do as the true locals do and just piss in the
    street, like in this flowerbed. Watch this.
    [Police sirens play]
    POLICEMAN:  Stop right there! You, with your dic* out!
    LAZLOW:     It's OK. I'm--I'm just demonstrating something for the radio! Sh*t!
    Uh, let's take a quick break.
    POLICEMAN:  Come back here!
    -------------------------------|COMMERCIAL BREAK|------------------------------
    EPISODES FROM LIBERTY CITY / PART II                                      [P60]
    LAZLOW:     Alright, we are back. Radio broadcast almost live from the streets
    of Liberty City. This is your city brought to you only on Integrity 2.0. The
    station has really brought a new meaning to integrity. It's brought a new
    meaning to media. You know, I take the values of new media and I bring them to
    old media. You know, that's raging ego, substandard content and heartbreaking
    inanity. Hah, I'm just kidding. This is about cutting-edge free speech. A
    spirit of innovation, adventure, paid for by our sponsor which I should
    mention: this episode of Integrity brought to you courtesy of Isaac Hammerstein
    & Daughters Funeral Services, "Burying your dead to their final resting place
    with dignity". So much dignity that at a funeral, while I'm fuc*ing crying my
    eyes out, you pick up a dead man's sister, even though she isn't properly
    divorced from my dad yet.
    My mom is dating some dude who touches corpses all day. Can you imagine that?
    I just get creeped out touching his leathery old formaldehyde hand. Ugh!
    Everything around the house has these yellow stains on it, and everything is
    about death! I'm about life! I mean, not like a protestor 'cause I've done the
    other thing a few times but, I mean, we had to. She was young. But, listen, if
    your loved one passes away, which they always do, usually at a really
    inconvenient time, like when I'm snowboarding or too stoned to drive, get them
    buried by Isaac Hammerstein & Daughters Funeral Services, "Bringing dignity to
    a difficult time at new recession prices", and maybe then Old Isaac can join
    your family. Haha. I'm just joking. I love you, you old goat. Seriously, when
    I die I want nothing more than your hand up my ass, and your straw sucking the
    brain out of my skull and replacing my bodily fluids with toxic chemicals, so
    a bunch of as*holes can sit around and pretend to cry like they cared about me.
    Nobody cares about me! Uh.
    As you can see, sponsors, advertising on Integrity 2.0 is a personal service
    that I bring you and your target demographic, you know, together in a
    harmonious way, like in a seventies record where everybody is high. Yeah, I
    make these reads personal. I'm cutting through the marketing nonsense.
    Speaking of nonsense, Integrity 2.0 is expanding. We are becoming a team.
    That's right. Integrity 2.0 taking over. It's like how things are merging these
    days. You used to go to Cluckin' Bell and that was great 'cause you wanted to
    eat a bucket of chicken and then go home and cry. And then you said, "If only
    Cluckin' Bell and Burger Shot were in the same place, I could enjoy both at the
    same time". So then you're like, "What if all fast-food restaurants were like
    at a truck stop, like if the world was a giant food court?". We're making radio
    a giant food court, and out in the parking lot a man will kidnap your daughter.
    That's life on the open road. I know. My sister disappeared that way and I
    didn't do it. Why would I kill my sister? But anyway, we're taking on a team
    of highly-skilled well-paid interns. Paid not in cash, but in exposure,
    experience, a degree in the University of Lazlow. That sounds like an awesome
    T-shirt! University of Lazlow. And without further pomp and circumstance, let
    me introduce you to the show's new intern, assistant to the producer, Jorge,
    but I call him Georgie Boy--
    GEORGIE:    Es Jorge!
    LAZLOW:     Georgie Boy is what liberals call an undocumented worker. Hehe, but
    he's my little buddy. Aren't you my little buddy?
    GEORGIE:    No.
    LAZLOW:     Uh. Jorge the Intern. Let me ask you. If you die of sunstroke
    outside the hardware megastore waiting for work, where would you like your body
    to be taken?
    GEORGIE:    El Salvador.
    LAZLOW:     Right. El Salvador, which is Spanish for "the savior", and who is
    our savior?
    GEORGIE:    <grudgingly> Isaac Hammerstein & Daughters Funeral Services.
    LAZLOW:     Correct! They save this show, and my career. So let's get to it,
    Georgie Boy.
    GEORGIE:    Jorge.
    LAZLOW:     Right! Whatever. What I need is an intern to [bring] me ideas. OK?
    I be funny. I am funny. I get all the credit. You learn a valuable lesson at
    the University of Lazlow. Right, tell me, where did you work before?
    GEORGIE:    In Nicaragua.
    LAZLOW:     Nicaragua, which is a company that sells nicotine water. See if you
    can get them to sponsor the show, man. I'm addictive and I'd love to drink
    nicotine water. So, Integrity 2.0 is more than just a radio show. We're a radio
    show that walks the streets of Liberty City, feels the pulse, see if it's dead,
    you know, like you sometimes do with a girl that's drank too much. And it's not
    day rape. You caress a thigh, you get slapped, you stick in a finger. It's real
    radio. I mean, any successful radio show needs a sidekick. So, as I stand under
    this decorative awning, smoking a cigarette, Jorge is out there rounding up
    potential sidekicks for me to interview.
    GEORGIE:    Mr. Lazlow! Mr. Lazlow! I found you sidekick!
    ACTIVIST:   Hi! Do you have a second for gay rights?
    LAZLOW:     Oh, God! It's one of these activists. They're in every major city
    now. They stop people in the sidewalk, they harass 'em for money, they make 'em
    feel--you make people feel guilty!
    ACTIVIST:   C'mon! Don't you have a second for gay rights?
    LAZLOW:     A second. Well, OK, just a second. I mean, sometimes it's five
    minutes if I'm drunk and, you know, nobody is looking.
    ACTIVIST:   We've got to petition here that would let gay people marry.
    LAZLOW:     Lesbians? Lesbos? Married? Hah. Right. That totally ruins the
    fantasy. Married people are hideous and sexually boring. All they do is talk
    about siding and sh*t. I mean, <inhales> it ruined my first marriage when I
    brought another woman in, 'cause I was like, "Hey, time for a threeway," and
    she's like, heh, "How about no-way, you balding has-been?" and then she splits.
    She empties my bank account, and the woman I brought home, who I didn't know at
    the time was heavily medicated, she fuc*ing sues me!
    GEORGIE:    Lesbo, lesbo!
    LAZLOW:     Hah. I'm sorry. Georgie here is just beginning to learn the
    language. Ah, Georgie, ah, este muchacha no gusta muchachos. (translation: this
    girl doesn't like boys)
    GEORGIE:    No?
    LAZLOW:     Ah, sí. Solamente gusta muchachas. Mucho licky licky, ¿comprende?
    (translation: ah, yes; only likes girls; a lot of licky licky; do you
    GEORGIE:    Ahahahaha. Licky licky!
    ACTIVIST:   What are you telling him?
    LAZLOW:     Um, I told him you really like ice-cream.
    ACTIVIST:   He's looking at me really creepy and is pretending to lick between
    his fingers.
    LAZLOW:     You gotta understand. These people are very passionate about ice-
    cream. It's really hot where he lives in Peru. It's like the Equator and sh*t,
    and ice-cream melts so fast there you gotta lick it off your fingers, 'cause it
    comes right off the cone, and often you've got to lick it off your fingers in a
    V-pattern. It's Peruvian.
    GEORGIE:    Honduras!
    LAZLOW:     That's what I said! Georgie! C'mon, let's stroll. God, what a great
    city this is. A great city to walk through. It takes you in, holds you tight.
    Georgie! I've an idea: walk in front me, clear a path, you know, make a big
    deal. You know what? Take this camera and as I walk take pictures of me like
    you're the paparazzi. Say my name a lot. Make a huge deal. Alright? Here we go,
    go ahead.
    <camera shutters>
    GEORGIE:    Lazlow! Lazlow! Here! Over here! Lazlow!
    LAZLOW:     That's right! Excuse me! Pardon me, people. The paparazzi, always
    hounding me at the pool, taking pictures of me with a swimsuit. On the Internet
    all the time. God, they'd take pictures of me on the toilet if they c--really
    sorry about this--
    GEORGIE:    Lazlow! You're so famous like reality star! Lazlow! Over here!
    BRIT MAN:   Oh, my God. That's Lazlow.
    MAN 1:      Who?
    BRIT MAN:   You know, Lazlow! It was a talentless dic* in the eighties. Man,
    he's short and he's bald. What a homo.
    GEORGIE:    Hahahahaha. Funny. Lazlow homo homo!
    LAZLOW:     No, Georgie. Not funny! That's offensive and unkind.
    GEORGIE:    Homo homo!
    <sound of banging pots>
    LAZLOW:     No, no homo homo. Great! Look what you did! You taught him a new
    word! He's going to get beat up outside the hardware megastore now! Georgie!
    Check it out! It's one of those street musicians that plays on buckets and pans
    and stuff that they sleep on top of in the gutter. Poor people can't afford
    drum kits, Georgie. Hey! Yo, brother, nice rhythm! Give me some skin.
    MUSICIAN:   You're standing on my donation tray!
    <coins spill>
    LAZLOW:     Oh, sh*t! Dude, sh*t! Man, I'm sorry.
    MUSICIAN:   Fuc*, you spilled all my money!
    LAZLOW:     I guess it's a lesson for life? I've just sort of redistributed
    your wealth to all these people walking by. Hey! That's his money, as*hole! He
    beats on a fuc*ing pot for that! Dude, this is chump change compared to what
    you could be making as my band. You know how late-night talk shows have their
    own band? You could be the band, man! The Lazlow Show on Integrity 2.0
    Orchestra! And since you can't even afford a drum kit, hah, I don't have to pay
    you sh*t!
    MUSICIAN:   What the fuc*?
    LAZLOW:     Cool out. Homie. Dog. Let's not get all wound up. Turn your hate
    into rhythm. A rhythm of the streets. A rhythm of the night. Oh, wow ow! Hey,
    wait, what are you doing? Hey! Ow! <voice echoes> Get this motherfuc*ing bucket
    off of my head! I ain't a drum, motherfuc*er! Fuc*, let's take a commercial.
    -------------------------------|COMMERCIAL BREAK|------------------------------
    EPISODES FROM LIBERTY CITY / PART III                                     [P70]
    LAZLOW:     Alright, we're back on Integrity. You know, so many people come to
    this city. They never really discover the true Liberty City, like Star Junction
    where the action is. To really experience this city, you gotta interact with
    the locals and the tourist areas, the really cool areas, not like the ghetto
    places with restaurants you've never heard of. You go to Star Junction you see
    people getting their picture drawn by a caricature artist named Leng Li or Hing
    Hong or something like that. I am getting mine drawn at this very moment and
    later I'm going to get my name written on a piece of rice. Then, I'm going to
    take Georgie, huh!, to the Statue of Happiness. Right, Georgie?
    GEORGIE:    Yes!
    LAZLOW:     Yes, so we can remind him that some people actually play by the
    rules and immigrate legally, but me and Georgie we don't play by the rules, do
    GEORGIE:    No!
    LAZLOW:     We are the outlaws of radio, right?
    GEORGIE:    Yes!
    LAZLOW:     Outlaws! And you're driving and I'm hanging out the passenger-side
    window, blam! blam! blam!, you know, shooting at the cops and I hit one of the
    tires and it flips over and they all crawl out and another one of 'em are hurt.
    Just like on TV. We are outlaws of radio because I can make you laugh and
    Georgie can do some drywall work.
    GEORGIE:    Fuc* you, Lazlow.
    LAZLOW:     Uh, listen. Me, jefe. I'm the boss. I'm here teaching you. I'm the
    professor of radio at the University of Lazlow. Georgie, tell me, how does my
    picture look? Huh? Is he capturing my brooding air and romantic disposition?
    GEORGIE:    Helicopter landing pad!
    LAZLOW:     What? Helicopter landing pad? What the fuc*? Let me take a look.
    Hey, you street urchin!
    CARTOONIST: No! Good picture!
    LAZLOW:     Good picture, my ass! I told you, don't focus on the hair and
    you've drawn a big bald spot on this. Focus on the pony tail like a stallion's
    mane. Girls like to ride horses, often naked. They like a guy that's got long
    flowing locks that looks like he can play bass. What's this bald spot for?
    GEORGIE:    For helicopter--
    LAZLOW:     Shut up with the helicopter sh*it. Shut up, or I'll call the
    helicopter to come take you home, Georgie. Listen, I'm not paying for this
    picture, sir. I said draw me with a fuller head of hair, a nice ponytail, a
    goatee to please the ladies when I go down south of the Equator. You know how I
    do it, Georgie.
    GEORGIE:    Yes!
    <Georgie laughs>
    LAZLOW:     South of the fuc*ing Equator! I'm the king of <rolls tongue> "lera-
    lera". Yeah! Well, I mean not with you, Georgie, but with girls. With girls.
    Right, Georgie?
    GEORGIE:    Girls, yes.
    LAZLOW:     Yeah, we're not gay, are we, Georgie?
    GEORGIE:    No!
    LAZLOW:     No! That's what I wanted to see in this picture. Look at this,
    you've given me man tits!
    CARTOONIST: [That's all I see]. You've man titties!
    LAZLOW:     Ah, screw you and your crappy drawing. I'm tearing this up.
    <ripping sound>
    CARTOONIST: You pay for that, you bald bastard! Come back here!
    LAZLOW:     Oh, let's take a quick break. Come on, Georgie!
    -------------------------------|COMMERCIAL BREAK|------------------------------
    EPISODES FROM LIBERTY CITY / PART IV                                      [P80]
    LAZLOW:     It is the Lazlow Show. It's called Integrity 2.0 in association
    with Isaac Hammerstein & Daughters Funeral Services. It's my new station, my
    new sponsor. It's all me! How great is that? Heh. And I'm not egotistical. It's
    what this town has been calling for. Radio's gone bankrupt. OK? All the formats
    are shutting down. It's all sports talk and Hispanic stations. Who wants to
    listen to Hispanic stations?
    GEORGIE:    I do.
    LAZLOW:     Precisely. I cannot understand a word they're saying and every
    other word is "goal". Listen, Georgie, where we going next?
    GEORGIE:    Dance club. Grindy, grindy, pretty ladies!
    LAZLOW:     That's right. We grindy grindy the pretty ladies in America. I
    promised you I'd take you to see the nightlife of Liberty City and let the
    radio fans out there know where they can get some action. The clubs really
    define this town. They're vain, they're overpriced. So, Intern Georgie and I
    are standing outside this hopping nightclub. Oh, I shoud mention this segment
    is being recorded live, but it's not broadcasting live. That technology kind of
    costs a fortune, but one day. For all the people that will one day listen to my
    show on the Internet when I revolutionize radio there too, so people in Uganda
    can be blessed with my discussions. They need some help. Some American radio to
    entertain them. They're sitting in the dust for godssakes. Let me tell you,
    Liberty City has got the best clubs and a lot of them even I have trouble
    getting into. Haha. I'm just joking. I can get in anywhere. I'm the fuc*ing--
    I'm the king of this town. I've got VIP access. You know. People recognize this
    face. There's one great spot in Alderney where they even paid me to go and I
    threw T-shirts to people in the crowd and did shots with tanned girls and one
    girl let me feel her implants. It was epic, man. It was something else. It was
    some kind of party for an insurance company. It was awesome.
    Anyway, this place that we're in front of right now is called, uh, Maisonette
    9. Hi, excuse me. This is the press. This is radio show--it's Integrity 2.0. My
    radio show. My name is probably on the list. It's Lazlow. My assistant called
    BOUNCER:    I don't see you on the list. Have a good night.
    GIRL 3:     You guys should try Bahama Mamas. That's your kind of place.
    LAZLOW:     Yeah. <sarcastically> Thank you! Thank you! </> C'mon bro, you need
    some celebs in there and you've got one right here.
    BOUNCER:    I'm sorry. Not after last time.
    LAZLOW:     You know, if I wasn't working, you'd be in some real trouble right
    now, dude. Haha. I'd break your neck, you big piece of sh*t. Oh, you've got
    size but I've got speed. I know martial arts. Right, Georgie?
    GEORGIE:    Yes!
    LAZLOW:     That's right. Georgie's seen me busting mad moves, like kung fu,
    like "jump up in the air and everything's slo-mo".
    GEORGIE:    Slo-mo!
    LAZLOW:     That's right. Slo-mo, bitches!
    BOUNCER:    Get the fuc* out of here!
    LAZLOW:     Oh, fuc* it. C'mon, Georgie. I'm not going to stand here and get
    laughed at by <raises voice> a bunch of vapid bitches!
    GEORGIE:    Look, everyone! It's Lazlow! Lazlow. It's Lazlow! Lazlow no get in!
    Lazlow no get in! Hahaha.
    LAZLOW:     Shut up, you little sh*t! I'll have you deported. I'm not an ugly
    American, but I will have you deported.
    GEORGIE:    You as*hole, Lazlow.
    LAZLOW:     No! I'm not as*hole. I'm an entertainer. Hah. There's a big
    difference! That place is over, anyway. Let's go to Bahama Mamas, man. They
    love me in there, but, heh, last time I was there it was kind of a gentleman's
    establishment, but, ah--not that Lazlow ever has to pay for it.
    GEORGIE:    Lazlow paid for it.
    LAZLOW:     No! Lazlow has never paid for it. Girls give it to me for free, and
    the clubs, I get in free all the time. Anyway, where's this other club?
    GEORGIE:    No sé. (translation: I don't know)
    LAZLOW:     Wha?
    GEORGIE:    ¡No sé!
    LAZLOW:     No say what? Say something!
    GEORGIE:    Um, errr...
    LAZLOW:     Man, your English is a joke! It's really embarrassing! And you
    what's also embarrassing? Bad embalming. American people, if you die: Isaac
    Hammerstein & Daughters. "Death with dignity. Leathery old hands that touch
    your mother". And they sponsor this show. And trust me, when they say
    "daughters", they do so to let you know they aren't pets. I mean, seriously, if
    your mom gets remarried, you hope for sexy stepsisters. You know, something
    interesting, lonely, that kind of thing. Isaac Hammerstein's got a couple of
    wildebeests on his hands. I mean, ugly! Heh, word isn't enough! There needs to
    be a new word to describe them that means "so ugly that there's an earthquake
    and mirrors crack". And of them, God!, she's the nerve to ask me to stop
    touching her? Should've billed her! Huh! She was lucky! Just trying to do her
    a favor! Boost her confidence a little. You gotta boost fat girls' confidence.
    A little ass grab, you know? You play little doctor like you always do with
    your sister. Huh! And what does she do? She calls me a molester. How can you
    molest something that's not even human? It's not molesting if they're ugly.
    Trust me. I've been doing it for years and it doesn't count if they're not
    human. It's called science, people. Science! It's examination. Molesting is
    when they're human and can complain or they don't like peanut butter on their
    junk. Heh, though she wouldn't have complained if they could have. Hey, we're
    loving it! They look like, uh, you know, the way I get when I'm at a day spa
    sometimes, even when it's a guy massaging you. You know what I mean. Don't say
    it's just me.
    Where is this place? We've been walking around forever, Georgie. I know it's
    around here somewhere. Man, this town at night is horrendous. Drunk people,
    homeless people. No-one's normal. What are we gonna do? I can't believe I can't
    find this place. That's what the suburbs will do to ya. I used to know downtown
    Liberty City like my own penis--every highway and byway. Now I'm not so sure
    where the hell I am. Uh, excuse me, mister, do you know where there's a good
    club around here?
    GAY GUY:    For people like you, guys?
    LAZLOW:     <sarcastically> No, for my mother. </> Yes! Of course! For someone
    like me! Not us. Don't mind him. He's just my intern.
    GAY GUY:    Sure, whatever. Yeah. There's a place down the block on the left.
    It's a club you'll really like. It's called Hercules.
    LAZLOW:     Heh, sounds like my kind of place. They must have named it Hercules
    'cause it's for people that are gods. Hehe. I can roll with the beautiful set.
    Me, tanned, virile! Cool. Hey, thanks a lot, man. C'mon, Georgie. Let's go find
    us some nightlife. Man, can't wait to go in and meet some hot piece of ass.
    Grind on 'er. There is nothing like rubbing your groin against a complete
    stranger to make you really love life. Hercules, man. Hercules. I've never
    heard of this club. I like the Greek theme, though. Love it. I love gyros and
    short chicks. Should be a blast. I even like a big nose.
    <bass thumps>
    Georgie, I think we're finally going to get lucky tonight, you know? Well, this
    must be the spot and judging by the line all the chicks are inside already!
    Maybe they do one of those "women get in free before 10 PM" offers that really
    brings out the skanky sluts, you know? A couple of well drinks and next thing
    you know she's banging in the bathroom. Hah! My kind of girls! Ladies' night
    tramps who give it up for free shots! I love 'em. I love sluts! Mmm! You know?
    You really should've seen the eighties sluts, Georgie. Hah. They were
    Alright, Georgie. Let's go and catch herpes all over again. Everyone, this has
    been Integrity 2.0. We're broadcasting from the streets of Liberty City. I'll
    let you know how we do in here.
    GEORGIE:    Hola, muchachos. Este es Lazlow aquí. Este gordito, es Lazlow, y
    quiere tener sexo con tres hombres al mismo tiempo. Escojan. A ver, ¿quién?
    (translation: Hey, guys. This here is Lazlow. This fatty, is Lazlow, and he
    wants to have sex with three men at the same time. Choose. Let's see, who's
    LAZLOW:     That's right. I am a celebrity. Thank you very much. Tonight I'm
    here. I'll--wow, everybody seems really interested in me suddenly.
    -------------------------------|COMMERCIAL BREAK|------------------------------
    CREDITS                                                                   [CRD]
    Contribution: You <trapped> in the <Seventies>?
    Part II, Pedestrian Man 3.
    Contribution: I met you backstage at the <Love Fist> Show.
    Part IV, Singer.
    {Crawdad's Dad}
    I--I mean, you kno--women are wearing <tit> curtains now that--that make them
    look pregnant.
    Part I, Lazlow.
    Only <three> hundred dollars a quarter.
    Part II, Pedestrian Man 3.
    Is it that where there's like--like--there's a <cup> and there's two girls
    Part II, Lazlow.
    Go play some Sudoku and <die peeing> on yourself.
    Part I, Lazlow.
    If you get really drunk and pretend that your face is a punctuation mark, you
    can really get to the bottom of life's <gripping> questions.
    Part II, Pedestrian Girl 2.
    [...] walking around with their portable <devil> DJ machines.
    Part II, Lazlow.
    Contribution: I got Purple Goat, Widow's Laughter, Blueberry Nightmare,
    Amsterdam Amnesia and some <Hydroponic Nun's> Vagina.
    Part II, Pedestrian Man 3.
    [...]one of those stupid clip shows on <Me TV> where washed-up comedians make
    snarky comments.
    Part II, Lazlow.
    You <were funny for a while> but what happened to you?
    Part III, Cab Driver Guy.
    You were <snogging> that guy.
    Part IV, Singer.

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