Eternal Darkness: The Abridged Series

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User Info: lprock

8 years ago#11
nice now if someone made this in video style it would be 100time more lolable
psn: LProck
mgo: BIGB0$$

User Info: SmurfyX

8 years ago#12
Long time reader, first time poster.

Keep going! :D

User Info: G_gglypuff

8 years ago#13
LoL @ Mantorok's essence XD

To the first poster of the page, I think it's possible and simple, but it requires some work that I bet no one is willing to do.

User Info: ChaosSamus

8 years ago#14
Alex: Hmm, somehow reading books makes me go insane, oh well. I guess I have to look for more pages, good thing the camera conveniently panned over to that array of candles over there.

(Alex goes over to the candles.)

Alex: Doesn't take a genius to figure this out.

(Alex pulls a pickaxe out of nowhere and smashes down the barricade under the candles to get the page.)

Alex: Let's see what's in this one.

(A monk walks up to Anthony and gives him a letter.)

Monk: Deliver this to Emporer Charlemagne. And no matter what you do, DON'T OPEN IT!

Anthony: Okay.

(Anthony opens the letter right in front of the monk and gets owned.)

Anthony: HAX! Must warn the emperor.

(Anthony runs to the Monastery.)

Anthony: Where's Charlemagne?

Monk: Right behind that door, but you need a key.

Anthony: Right, the only thing worse than the emperor dying would be kicking down a door. That would be disrespectful... Hey, a casket I can rip open!

(There is a defiled body in the casket.)

Monk: Yeah, we're getting the #@$@ out of here, have a sword.

Anthony: Why would a monk just randomly have a swo-

(Anthony warps to a hall full of screaming heads.)


(Anthony wanders around aimlessly for half an hour before realizing he needs to pick up the book.)

Anthony: Cool, a book! I could sell this for so much in this time period.

Monk: Help me! I'm being attacked by zombies and am completely helpless.

(The monk kills a zombie effortlessly and then cowers like an idiot. Anthony saves him.)

Monk: I'm rewarding you with a sword you could have looted from me anway!

Anthony: Yay! More random swords! Where do these monks get all of these weapons.

(Anthony goes into the next room to find a monk firing a Minigun at a horde of zombies.)

Anthony: Now you're just kidding me.

(Anthony goes into another room with a fountain of water in it.)

Monk: You need to find runes and a scroll to cast spells, Anthony. Then you can cast the Enchant spell and reach the bishop.

Anthony: I don't have any of those things.

Monk: Exactly, and this game rewards idiocy with hours and hours of backtracking.

Anthony: Crap.

(After hours of backtracking, Anthony gets the spell implements and repairs the urns. He then completes the puzzles necessary to reach the bishop.)

Bishop: Now I shall kill you with my-

(Anthony draws his sword.)

Bishop:...You have a weapon? No fair!

(Anthony bludgeons him to death with the sword.)

Anthony: Now it's time to save Charlemagne!

(Anthony turns into a zombie.)

Anthony: Aw crap, this is the worst thing that could-

(A horror runs up and stomps on Anothony repeatedly, Anthony returns to life.)

Anthony: This is the best thing to ever happen to me!

(Anthony kills a horror, followed by a very anti-climactic battle with some Mantorok zombies.)

Anthony: I'm here to save you Charle... crap.

Charlemagne: Nice job you idiot! Well, at least you didn't kick down my door.

Monk: LOL nubs!

(A bonetheif bursts out of the monk and kicks down the door.)

Anthony and Charlemagne: Dammit!

(Both die.)
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User Info: G_gglypuff

8 years ago#15
I laughed out loud for real on the minigun part.

User Info: axia_elements

8 years ago#16
So funny it almost made me smile... yeah, that's something strange

GOOD WORK!!! I'd love to see more of this in the future
ummm.... Brain Damage?
Brawl Friend Code: 3179-5831-3539

User Info: Ganondwarf

8 years ago#17
Heheh, funny!
As you gain perspective you'll realize that missed opportunities are a lot more difficult to live with than failed chances taken. - myeerah

User Info: ChaosSamus

8 years ago#18
Alex: That was weird. I don't think I can find any more pages in this room, except Peter's which is barely obscured by a frame, but I need to "survey" the room to find it.

(Alex's search takes her upstairs. She tries to unlock the door but the key breaks. She then calls a locksmith and replaces all of the keyholes in the house with new ones or simply removes them due to redundancy.)

Alex: I don't even know why I bothered to search the bathroom, but I think I saw something in the Bathtu-

(A Badger jumps out of the cabinet and latches on to Alex's head.)

Alex: Cool, this page is in plain sight. I wonder what it's about.


Chandra: Fine, I'll be with you if you do 3 things. Go down to the market and pick me up some groceries, raid an ancient forgotten city in the hopes of plundering a legendary artifact, and I want to live in a stable situation so maybe start going to university.


Chandra: Four, you must never talk... again.

(Karim goes to the city because he is so freaking whipped. There he almost immediately finds the Tome of Eternal Darkness.)

Karim: Ok, this is obviously a very important object and it's very magical. This is clearly what Chandra wanted.

(Back in his home city.)

Chandra: No, this is all wrong. I need something that looks like a jellyfish.

Karim: Awww.
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User Info: ChaosSamus

8 years ago#19
Karim: Stupid Chandra, making me go all the way here just to get some dumb artifact. Hey, this seems pretty neat!

(Goes and picks up a Jade Effigy)

Karim: Now I'm getting somewhere, Oh look!

(Picks up a huge Marble statuette)

Karim: I think I'm making progress.

(Picks up an equally huge Granite statuette.)

Karim: Is it physically possible to carry all of this?

(Karim places the statuettes in a hall that allow him to access the bottom chamber.)

Karim:Now that I'm no longer overencumbered, I think I'm going to stop picking up every last random obje- OMG a huge sword!

(Karim picks up the Ram Dao, which was an ornamental weapon in real life, but in ED, it's as powerful as an Anti-Tank Rifle.)

Karim: I wonder if this sword is good.

(Karim enchants the weapon, he then cuts a horror in half and both of the halves land on zombies. The remaining enemies in the room die of sexual exhaustion.)

Karim: O.O Yeah... it's good. I bet there's nothing that could beat this.

(As if to prove the point, 100 zombies, 50 zombies with bonethieves, 20 Horrors and a Wehrmacht King Tiger tank all charge the final room.)

Karim: Aw, crap! There's no way I can survive this.

(However, the enemies stupidly arrive one at a time, allowing Karim to cleave through all of them with his Ram Dao.)

Karim: Alright, I defeated nearly an army of demons, but I found the artifact and it was completely worth it.

Chandra: Everything you did was useless!

Karim: Wha- what are you doing here? What happened to you?!

Chandra: Yeah, do you remember that Amy Fisher thing in the news?

Karim: Uh-huh.

Chandra: That happened.

Karim: You cheated on me?

Chandra: You were gone so long.

Karim: I've been gone for 3 days!

Chandra: Same thing, now I'm going to turn you into a ghost! OM NOM NOM NOM!!!

Karim: Wait what the F-

(Screen cuts to sepiatone and fades out.)
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User Info: Void_If_Read

8 years ago#20
That was kinda "WTF?"
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