Review by Psycho Penguin

"They could have named this"

Oh my lord. Something told me I was not going to enjoy playing this game when I first decided to sit down and play it. I don't know why, but I had this strange feeling that I was not going to enjoy it. I had enjoyed Super Metroid a lot, and remains one of my favorite games to this day, and Metroid is a classic game, and always will be, but I had a strange feeling that this game was going to turn out to be a crappy game. And guess what?

I was right.

Yes, here is another overrated game that I have pulled out of my memory bank to review for your convience. Do not get this game. If you value your sanity (if you still have it, lucky, I lost mine a while back) you will make sure not to get this game. Don't be an idiot who plays it 6 hours just to review it. Just don't play it. I am saving your life by giving you this advice, so you better be happy.

Seriously, the main point of all the Metroid games has been the fact that they have all been fairly non linear. The non linear aspect of the game play remains an all time favorite of mine, because I love the non linear game play that the series has always seem to provided. Sadly enough, that type of non linear game play is not to be found in this game, at all. This is probably the worst attempt of making a non linear game, ever in fact.

See, Nintendo decided to try something new.

''Instead of making a vast world where people need to gain special weapons and items to open up new places, let's instead block them in one room by using lava, and making them kill a little metroid. Then, after killing the Metroid, the lava will disappear! What a great idea!''

Great idea? I don't think so. Maybe it is just me, but I prefer the game play ideas in Super Metroid and Metroid much better than I did in this game. Come on, what kind of BS is this? I do not want to kill stupid metroids over and over again. All you have to do anyways is pump about 20 missiles in them. Oooh, but then there is a variety of Metroids! Who gives a crap? Not me! This has got to be the worst idea ever, trust me.

Then there is the rest of the game play. It is a lot like any other Metroid game, besides the fact you will never get lost or feel lost at any time. Also, some of the enemies in the game are very challenging, and you will never get lost in the ''mazes'' because most of them only require the brain of a three year old to complete anyways. This is not a good thing, especially if you do not have the brain power of a three year old child.

I really did not enjoy playing through this game much at all, and whether I am comparing this game to the series or not, I just do not like this game much, at all. Besides all of the stuff I just mentioned, this game just does not feel like Metroid. It does not feel like a Metroid game at all. This game feels more like a crummy platformer from some third rate video game company. The whole non linear feeling of the game is not what a Metroid game is supposed to feel like.

''The graphics in this game remind me of some of that old Atari stuff!''

One of my friends uttered those words to me the day that he played this pile of crap. He was not too enamored with it, either. The graphics in the game are perhaps the best quality of this game, but that does not make them any good. In fact, it means that the graphics are still pretty bad, because let's face it, the whole game was made by a small child anyways. The ''backgrounds'' (if you can call it that) are basically a clear screen with some pale bricks on top, and not much else. The character and enemy designs are straight out of Metroid and don't look half bad, but the game definitely looks like a mess.

Music and sound effects in the game are terrible. Let's see. I loved the music in Metroid. I loved the music in Super Metroid. So, I should love the music in Metroid 2, right? Eh. Wrong! The music in this game was horrible. The problem is, they tried to make it sound a little too much like the classic music in the other Metroid games. This is not a good thing, because they screwed around with some of the classic stuff, and I don't appreciate it one bit. Nintendo's logical staff decided to ''remix'' the music for the Game Boy version, and the final version is absolute crap.

You will not want to replay this game, trust me. You may want to feed it to your baby brother for breakfast, but you won't want to play it. You may want to give it to your teacher as a gift, but you won't want to play it. You may want to use it as fire wood, but you won't want to play it. Not like I did any of those things with this game, of course. I'm a good little McFadden. BLAME HEROES OF THE LANCE. OK I'm done now.

The game is as challenging as trying to watch a Lions game.. its not happening, the Lions are not going to win, and chances are you are not going to beat this game. It's not like you would actually want to beat this game anyways, seeing as it is a big pile of crap™. But, it is also pretty challenging because some of the Metroids get rather annoying later on in the game.

This is one of the worst games I have ever played, and the dark spot of Nintendo's history (I believed they released the Game Boy version of Zelda, another stinker, the same year). This is just another game boy game that is so totally terrible and dark spots of the series. First Zelda, now Metroid. What's next? Banjo Kazooie? *evil laugh echoes*

Good Points
-Samus Aran is in it.

Not So Good Points
-Anything and everything

I Run Down the Ratings… DaLadiesMan Style!
Storyline – 3.1/10
Graphics – 2.9/10
Music – 2.3/10
Sound Effects – 2.1/10
Control – 2.2/10
Gameplay – 2.1/10
Replay Value – Below Average
Challenge – Above Average
Overall – 1.3/10

The Last Line: This is not a Metroid game. Do not be fooled by the false propaganda. Avoid like a Ricky Martin song.

Reviewer's Rating:   0.5 - Unplayable

Originally Posted: 11/10/00, Updated 07/16/01

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