Review by shneepshnop

"Have you ever tried eating a video game? Well this would be a good game to experiment with."

Hmm, what’s this? A remake by none other than Nintendo. How clever, instead of actually being original and creating entirely new games they just remade another game that has already been remade 17 times. Well Super Mario Bros. Advance is a remake of the original Mario Bros. (not Super Mario Bros) and Super Mario Bros. 2. This game is trash and don’t buy it unless you own in your backyard, a cage full of lions whose appetites consist only of crappy video games. I am writing this review assuming you all have played the original Super Mario Bros. 2. If you haven’t you should DIE!!! Err, wait, I’m only joking I didn’t really mean that, no don’t walk away! Come back here, I was only kidding. You hear that? Only kidding…

Gameplay - 8/30
I am, wait… hold on… ok I am being told that this is in fact, Super Mario Bros. 2. I couldn’t tell at first but after writing to Nintendo demanding to know what game this is they remade, I have been informed that this is in fact Super Mario Bros. 2. Well now that that mess is cleared up lets talk about the actual gameplay here.
Mario Bros. is exactly identical its original. Sadly it’s just about as good as it too. Basically it sucks, and Nintendo would be better off denying all reports that they had anything to do with creating it.
Most of your playing time will be directed towards Super Mario Bros. 2, therefore most of this review will be directed towards it as well. When you start off you notice how much Nintendo has added into this remake. There are now new objects and platforms that are lying around. As are there new larger versions of enemies. You will now find walking around through certain parts of the level, large versions of Shy-Guys (the stupid little guys who walk around wearing the masks) who are, well just large versions of Shy-Guys. They do nothing else other than look big and dumb. Also there are now larger vegetables that can be picked up. Their sole purpose is to create a larger object for the gamer to throw at his targets, maybe being able to hit more enemies. Also hidden in the ground are little hearts. Originally, the hearts were flying around randomly throughout the level, now they are just lying around and can be gotten from 30% of the items lying underneath the ground. This makes living through each level a lot easier. Also there are now coins hidden throughout the level similar to the Yoshi Coins in Super Mario World. There are 5 per level and when you get them all you get a 1-up. Speaking of 1-ups they are lying around in abundance throughout the first 5 levels. At the start of the 2nd level I had honestly 27 lives. This makes the game, O, I don’t know, ridiculously easy I guess would be the phrase I would use. If you ever run out of lives in this game you should cease all game playing and ask your parents to check you into some special ed. classes. Nintendo’s remake aspect involving gameplay means making larger baddies, larger vegetables, and reducing the difficulty level to virtually non-existent.

Funfactor - 3/20
Mario Bros. is not fun at all. I never liked this game and I don’t now. It is extremely repetitive and uninteresting, and lets not forget boring. That’s a pretty good description of the fun found in Mario Bros.
Now for Super Mario Bros. 2, is this game fun? Hmm, lets see… fun or not fun? Fun or not fun? Fun or not fun… I’m leaning towards completely so unfun it’s virtually stupid. This game is sooo not fun. Super Mario Bros. 2 was fun. Hell, even Super Mario Bros 2. remade on Mario All Stars was fun. But this? No way. This is lame. You will not get the same experience out of playing this remake as opposed to the original. The crappy controls make this game down right frustrating. The only saving grace is that the game records in a percent, the number of Yoshi Coins you find. Some people, who are the obsessive kind of gamers, may want to scour the levels for all of these coins. That may entice some people to play this game and enjoy it.

Control – 0/15
Control in Mario Bros. is bad, but it was bad on the original, so why change it…
Controls in Super Mario Bros. 2 are freaking terrible. This game is so easy if you don’t factor in the crappy controls. Factoring in the controls make this game next to impossible to play. The controls are sluggish and the game does not respond to button inputs at all. Imagine greasing up the bottom of your roller skates with melted butter, then running full speed across a frozen lake. I would think the amount of control you have over where you want to go doing this is equal to the amount of control in Super Mario Bros. 2. The characters slip and slide every which way. You thought Luigi was hard to control originally? Ha, play as him now. You could take a running start, then jump with any of the characters, then release the directional pad and your character will end up continuing in his direction for about 42 miles. The controls are terrible and executing jumps onto small ledges is impossible. These are probably the worst controls ever in a video game. They put Hero’s of the Lance to shame.

Graphics – 14/15
The graphics look good in both games, but more so in the 2nd Super Mario Bros. The backgrounds are very colorful, and detailed. The characters and enemies also look sharp. Remember playing that board game back in the day called Candy Land? Well every level looks like it was taken from that game. No the levels aren’t edible, so please restrain yourself…

Music/Sound – 5/15
Be prepared to turn off your GBA’s sound. The music isn’t too bad. But the sound effects, my God… This time around Nintendo decided to make this game even more childish than before. Every time you go to pick up an object your guy will talk. Every time he gets something useful he will say, “Just what I needed”, and every time you reach a boss they will say something stupid to you. All this is done in one of the annoying accents each character has. Every time they opened their stupid mouths I wanted to throw a vegetable at them. Especially the mushroom head guy, *shivers*…

Story – 1/5
Once upon a time there was a video game company called Nintendo. Back in the day Nintendo used to make the best games. Now for some reason their brains don’t work very well and they cannot invent new concepts to create new games. They decided that in order to make easy money they would just re-release all of their old games onto their new portable video game system. This brought tremendous success and gave Nintendo a lot of its fans hard earned $$$. Nintendo fans become outraged. They demanded their hard earned $$$ back, but Nintendo just sat up in its nice tall building and laughed, while displaying a large banner reading: “SUCKERS”. Nintendo then decided to remake every video game they ever created, because it is cheap, easy, and they can sell it at a regular game price, while putting in 20% of the money and effort. Boooo.

Repalyability - + 1/5
Well in order to have replayability one would first have to have playability. This game unfortunately has neither. It isn’t fun and the sluggish controls make this game so very lame.

Conclusion – 32/100

- Well at least no one makes you play this terrible game
- Graphically the game appears nice

- Terrible controls
- Not much new
- Very annoying voices

Do you remember that episode of Southpark where the boys try to stop Stephen Spielberg and George Lucas from remaking Raiders of the Lost Ark? Well it goes like this, upon finding out that Raiders of the Lost Ark will be remade, the boys form a club. This club’s purpose is to help save movies from their crazy directors by making it illegal to remake movies, thus preserving the greatness of the original. Well I wish someone would make a club preventing game companies from remaking their games. Boycott this game, unless of course you want to eat it... (not recommended)

Reviewer's Rating:   1.5 - Bad

Originally Posted: 03/17/04

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