Review by The Green Yammo

Reviewed: 11/18/01 | Updated: 11/18/01

It could be a decent game, but dammit, IT JUST ISN'T RIGHT!!!

The year is 1993, and the simultaneous September 13 release of Mortal Kombat on Genesis, SNES, Game Gear and Game Boy- the day is known as ''Mortal Monday'', has already passed over a month ago.

...Thank you, Mr. Johnson, for your powerful speech. Now everyone, please welcome our next speaker for this Senate hearing, The Green Yamo!

Thank you, thank you. I will spare you all the lengthy salutations to get straight to the heart of the matter... an issue that may mold our youth, thus our entire society in days to come: video violence! This is no new concept, with very graphic violence in electronic games of old, like Barbarian in 1983, Technocop in 1990 and Wolfenstein 3D in 1991, but Election Day is coming soo- I mean but this is DIFFERENT!

Of course, this.... FILTH I'm talking about is Mortal Kombat! It started off as an arcade machine last year from Midway- yes, Midway, the folks that used to make things like Defender and Joust have lost their dignity completely by making one-on-one duel-to-the-death games that are NOT appropriate for young kids like any and all electronic games SHOULD be. It was bad enough it had to corrupt the minds of our youth (unsupervised!) in the arcades, but NOW they've collaborated with several other video companies, like Acclaim and Probe Software to help develop the trash for home video systems!

On those games there are not one, not two, not even three, but FOUR buttons that encourage violent aggression (and one for those that don't want to participate in such garbage). The two low and high versions of punching and kicking usually spurt out a giant mass of gore from the hit opponents, in fact, all of the moves very violently knock blood out of them other than foot sweeps, throws and chest punches! Luckily, all seven characters that entered the tournament for whatever unique and evil goal, ranging from a Thunder God in human form named Raiden to a policewoman (that should be fired since I'd kind of count incinerating fallen foes as excessive force), all share the same normal moves. So there's less eclectic violence to take in with them.

Unfortunately, they all have different special moves, though. Like throwing blades and doing flying kicks, which only speeds up the violence. As if that wasn't bad ENOUGH, when one fighter knocks the other unconscious, rather than claiming his prize and leaving the match, the big, blood soaked words ''FINISH HIM!'' appear on the screen in which fighters commence to do HEINOUS things like knocking an already beaten foe, punching their heads off and even ripping their hearts out! Nearly all are done in an extremely graphic or grisly matter! While the Genesis characters and blood amounts are not as large as the arcade's, the evil is still the same size. This trash is the very reason why, and the first game to attract a universal rating system! Although this should've gotten a 17+ rating instead of 13!

Excuse me, Mr. Green Yamo, but I'm a reporter for Bastard's Digest, and I'd just like to point out that it takes a code to activate the Sega version's blood

It doesn't matter. Children will find it, just like how they find ways to sneak into bars. That's why this filth simply shouldn't exist at ALL! On top of the blood, what makes it even worse was Midway's decision to use motion-capturing technology to make the characters practically real people! That being said, since one character's female, it promotes sexism and abuse! And since three characters are Asian, it promotes racism and hate crimes! And since one character's err- dead, it promotes desecration to our ancestors!

You'd think that at least the sound and music would be wholesome, but they both only add to the morbid and violent theme, with simplistic but eerie drumbeats and synthetics! That's paired with the fighters screaming in agony after nearly every hit in most versions, and it teaches people to torture! But in the versions without the screams, it teaches people that fighting is harmless!

This is all topped- actually all BOTTOMED off by mind-reading AI and very difficult special moves people told me about that shams members of our families into spending extra hours or even MONEY if in the arcade waiting for the computer to LET them win and trying to find out the evil moves.

Still, in the midst of all of this, one video company has redeemed themselves and reclaimed most of their honor and dignity: Nintendo. They didn't fall into the pits of this industry and told the madmen at Midway to either remove the blood (replaced with sweat) and limb-ripping or keep the filth off of their system! Thank you, Nintendo! Your modesty and virtue has kept us all in a-

Excuse me, Mr. Green Yamo, but sorry to inform you that so far, Sega's versions of Mortal Kombat are making over TRIPLE the amount of sales as Nintendo's, and as such, Nintendo has announced that the upcoming Mortal Kombat 2 will have all the blood and.....

No, no, NO! Not them too! Now THEY'VE even fallen into the cesspool of that cursed industry? Kids will start off with Hedgehogs and Plumbers, then end up with disembodiment....

....Half the thanks being in part of all the press and attention, thus popularity you're all giving it.

That's it. Get the journalists out of here! Anyway, I think you all get the point now. No matter how many moves or characters there are or how hard or easy they are to control, the bottom line is that this isn't right, thus can't be any true fun. The two recent releases Lethal Enforcers and Night Trap are pretty bad too, but shooting people with look-alike guns and rape scenes are NOTHING compared to the hedonistic, immoral garbage of Mortal Kombat! Video players think they're against us, but they're just uneducated on the matter because people like us that haven't played those before will be less biased about it, and that's common sense!

It's up to us to teach them what's appropriate for them, because neither they nor their parents can really know. Still, I fear for our entire society. Because with interactive violence like this that can easily be picked up on, soon enough, children are going to be shooting lighting out of their fingers into people and ripping out classmate's spines with their bare hands! That's why we need to get this trash off of the street now! So write me and lend a helping hand to all of civilization!

Rating:   0.5 - Unplayable

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