Review by PUhler
Reviewed: 01/21/01 | Updated: 01/21/01
Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to the worst game of all time...
The synopsis may seem a little harsh, but Bokosuka Wars is hands down the worst game ever made. It's hardly even an opinion... it should be a fact. It should go down in some sort of historical script as the worst game ever made, so there will be no arguments in the future. Heroes of the Lance? Nope. Seaman? Uh-uh. Superman 64? Please. None of any of those games hold a candle to BW, the NES's (and gamings overall) darkest moment. All the awfulness of every videogame in existence times 400,000 couldn't stand up to the horrificness of Bokosuka Wars. I'm not joking when I say BW makes HoL look like an epic masterpiece that one should speak of only in fanatical reverence because of it's aura of unbelievable holiness. Mere words cannot even come close to expressing what I mean when I speak of this complete and utter waste of plastic and code.
''What the hell?!''
My reaction when I first saw the graphics: ''For the love... what in the hell is this?!''
Yep, they are that bad... even worse, in fact. Bokosuka Wars visuals are hardly even fit for an Atari 2600. The screen is uselessly letter-boxed, and I can't even tell what the sprites are. You have basically four graphical elements: your black backround (yes, it's permanently pitch-black), your super-deformed blue and white blob of a sprite, these nasty looking 'trees', and your enemies. I would personally award the man that could figure out what your enemies are with all the world's wealth, but I'll never have to hold true to that statement because it's impossible anyways.
Once in a great while you'll come across some different texture or whatnot... but that's about it. Doesn't matter if the graphics were a beautiful sight to behold anyways... the gameplay is a million times worse then the turdy-ass graphics, so it wouldn't make a lot of difference in my eyes.
That's not the exact tune, but I think that it gives you the basic idea of the music. After all, it's only fitting to accompany God-forsakenly bad graphics with ear-splittingly bad 'music'. Bokosuka Wars has just that; probably the worst music I've ever heard in a videogame.
The same EXTREMELY tinny midi loops every 15 seconds. That's just unbelievable.
The sound effects are just as bad. First of all, there are hardly any, and the ones there sounds like some indiscernible crap that I would make with a handheld recorder in a barrel of piss and feces. It's like this: BW has sound effects that make HoL's sound good.
I couldn't even believe that they managed to make the sound as bad as the graphics, but the developers have somehow incredulously managed to pull off this feat. Fantastic.
''The idiots who devised this gameplay should be dragged out onto the street and shot in the head.''
That about sums up my thoughts on what should happen to the idiots who designed this crap. Even if the graphics and music were the same, BW could've been salvaged somewhat with some rippin' play mechanics... and BW certainly does NOT come through in spades in that area. I think the gist of the game is too run right to left through open field, and avoid the enemies (who have insane AI; they move up and down, left and right) who will attempt to attack you by getting in your way. It plays like an extremely poorly-designed Zelda puzzle game (allow me to go kill myself for mentioning Zelda in the same breath as Bokosuka Wars.
Basically, you just and lure these enemies into trees while you sneak around them. If you manage to make it past the first few enemies, suddenly a massive group of enemies appears, and you have to maneuver around them... then the pattern repeats. I believe at one point I was supposed to save some little nasty-looking sprites in a little cave, but I couldn't get by the barrier protecting them for the life of me, so I just randomly ran through this thin blue barrier.
The control makes this possibly interesting premise (if pulled off by a development team not using a Tandy to code the thing and not addicted to LSD) even worse. The control is horribly unresponsive in BW, partly due to the terrible animation. There actually really isn't any animation; you and the enemies just teleport a square in the given direction their moving to instead. The fact they didn't even bother to animate you and your enemies movements just solidifies the fact Bokosuka Wars is the worst game of all time.
''There's no doubt in my mind...''
...That Bokosuka Wars is the worst game of all time. My words simply cannot even remotely describe the horrors that await the brave souls that go out and actually try to play this game.
I'll recommend you give BW a try just so you can tell your grandkids you played the worst videogame ever made, and came put alive.
Now where are my hammer and tongs...
Rating: 0.5 - Unplayable
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