Review by Shirow

"I analyze games"

Once upon a time, there was a war. During that time, a Russian guy thought of a game that would aid his fellows endure the pain caused by the art of war. That once-small but genuine creation was called Tetris, which soon wreaked havoc with its simplicity, ingenuity and long-lasting appeal.

And now, I review it because, as impossible as it may seem, there are people who still don’t know what Tetris means, nor do they realize that Ronaldinho has finally moved to Barcelone.

Story: 10

Unbelievably, there is indeed a story to Tetris. Unfortunately, I find it impossible to talk about it here because it’s as complicated as Ghost in the Shell’s plot, and consequently, only someone like James Cameron would be able to summarize Tetris’s heaven-shattering plot in less than 400 words. Unluckily, I am not Cameron, nor do I wish to be him (because he sucks!).

Game play: Infinite!

The objective of the game is pretty simple: kill the foe!

Actually, no; I’m confusing with another game. Tetris is much more than that and only a BIASED fool would say that Tetris is not complex! That includes you, ReV (don’t argue!)!

In Tetris, your aim is to make different blocks of an unknown material, shaped in various ways, fall until each square of pixel of the play arena is completely covered by those blocks. It doesn’t matter which block is next to which block, since any block can be used as long as the damn horizontal black space is being completely covered with those blocky blocks that will block your view of the wonderful, black background.

There are a few pieces that can thus appear at the top of the screen so they can descend until the reach the bottom of the screen, which should normally coincide with the bottom of your television set. One button can be used to toggle that piece, which is falling, as the latter undergoes a clockwise rotation without losing its invisible charm and undeniable charisma. Consequently, the piece which starts as horizontal can thus be made into a vertical drunk Tetrade. Cool, isn’t it?

(Or you can press another button for an anticlockwise motion, which is infinitely cooler.)

By pressing the directional buttons, you can also move the buttons left and right to make them fall in the locations you wish. This is a strategic strategy, and one that is required to make your plough through all the levels strategically. Either way, it’s no Command and Conquer, nor does Arnold the T(etris)-800, make a cameo in it. How sad!


4 is Tetris’s other name, one that will sink into your puny mind and never let go again. 4! It’s not my favorite number, but it’s still a great one. Make 4 lines appear (to fade), and you’ve got yourself a Tetris, which, as much as I hate to admit it, constitutes the core of the game. By harvesting as many 4-line-wonders as possible, you can count yourself as a true Tetris master, and go on to challenge the world!

Other categories: Who the hell cares?

Tetris is a game where the graphics and sound need not be mentioned. I’ll however go ahead and mention them.

The graphics are cool.

The sound is not cool.

Overall: 10

Tetris is a pioneer in video gaming. Take it for what it’s worth, and endorse my review.

Or press ALT+F4 to close this window. Either way, Tetris is good.

Reviewer's Rating:   5.0 - Flawless

Originally Posted: 07/23/03, Updated 07/23/03

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