Review by Jaksiel
"Damned Girl Scouts. Always attempting to kill my Double Wookiee..."
Once there was a topic created on CE, by the almighty creator of GameFAQs: none other than CJayC. He provided a link to Progress Quest, claiming it was the best Massively Multiplayer Online RPG (MMORPG) yet created. Since I was on school vacation and had nothing better to do, I ventured to download the puny 357 KB file. After 'playing' this gem for the past day, I must conclude that CJayC was, in fact, correct.
Right from the start, it seems like any typical MMORPG (except funnier): you choose a character name, race, and class, and you 'roll' imaginary dice to determine your character's attributes. However, you are given a glimpse of things to come: the races and classes are anything but typical. After pondering the relative merits of the 'Dung Elf' and 'Enchanted Motorcycle' races (among others) as well as the 'Fighter/Organist' and 'Tickle – Mimic' classes, I settled on Double Wookiee as my race and Robot Monk as my class, and embarked on my quest.
By now, you're most likely wondering what makes this game so much better than other MMORPGs. It's really quite simple: you don't do anything at all! Everything in Progress Quest is automated! You can watch your progress in the myriad facets of the game through various blue bars: you'll see your experience go up, you'll see yourself progress in the plot, you'll see yourself killing various monsters, and you'll see yourself heading to town to sell your loot.
All right, you think this sounds stupid. Fair enough. Just think about it, for a moment, though: that's all you do in other MMORPGs anyway! In Progress Quest, you get the sense of achievement without having to worry about such things as death, player-killing, and wondering where to go next! You can simply leave it on all day, and play some other game (or possibly do something productive with your time). When you check back on Progress Quest, you'll see maybe 5 more levels added to your character. Believe me, there is no greater joy in this world.
The creators of Progress Quest even went to great lengths to make the text and blue bars worth watching. The things you kill and the quests you undertake really can be quite humorous. For example, some of the first enemies you face include Girl Scouts and Porn Elementals. The items you receive upon killing monsters are also interesting. You can gain 'kobold *****es', 'gorgon testicles', and 'ape asses'. This particular set of items prompted one poster to comment, ''I'm gonna make me a well-endowed Frankenstein!'' The spells are also interesting. Some of note that I've acquired so far include Lockjaw, Tumor (Malignant), and Tumor (Benign).
The quests you endeavor to complete also mirror those of other MMORPGs, except with Progress Quest's odd sense of humor. You still must seek valuable items, fetch items for NPCs, and exterminate entire races. However, in Progress Quest, you will be fetching hoes rather than dogs, and exterminating Boy Scouts rather than rabbits.
Obviously, since it's a text-based RPG, the audio and visual are lackluster. There is no audio whatsoever, and the graphics are limited to the aforementioned blue bars. However, there are rumors going around about a hidden 3D Mode, which may require hitting Control, Alt, and Delete simultaneously, as well as several times in succession.
The other problem with Progress Quest is that there's no challenge. You cannot die. You will never lose a battle. You will never fail a quest. And since everything is automated, there is no player-killing. (Yes, that means you still will not be able to kill CJayC.) Because of this, Progress Quest could conceivably get boring.
Despite these flaws, Progress Quest is still a worthy game to download and play. Admit it: you've always wanted to kick ass in a game without actually having to play it. That's what Progress Quest promises as well as what it delivers. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to attempt to fill my succubus bra with my two neo-otyugh organs...
Reviewer's Rating: 3.5 - Good
Originally Posted: 02/26/02, Updated 02/26/02
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