Review by The Manx

"Zerocool. That should've warned me off."

Sometimes I cruise through the other works of someone I thought wrote a particularly good and informative review. Sometimes I learn of a game that sounds so weird/good that I just have to try it out, and I ignore any warnings they offered up on that particular piece. One of them, I'm sad to say, was Jewel Knights Crusaders. Let me warn people like myself who might be reading this that sometimes it pays to follow the crowd, or even Crowd.

I'll warn you right now that this game is not only a hentai dating game, it's also a parody of the Japanese shows that they adapt into Power Rangers. If you hate things like that, you'll hate Jewel Knights that much more.

Anyway, you're Ginji, a karate expert who likes showing it off by beating people up. He meets the Jewel Knights, a team of superheroes who, being the kind of game this is, are all supposedly attractive young women. Even though he's the most boorish, um, jerk I've ever seen, raping his teammates at whim, they decide that they need to keep him around because their bad guys have been getting stronger lately. Which puts him in a perfect position to be a jerk and still get a beautiful girl to fall madly in love with him. Ugh.

This is a story-driven hentai game, that much you probably already know. You play by picking the girl you want to end up with before each "episode" of the game (yeah, it goes that extra step to pretend it's a TV show. It even has those little 'next time on Jewel Knights Crusaders' things at the end of each one. I thought that was actually kind of cute). During the episode you make a decision that either hurts or helps cement your budding relationship.

Thing is, being a parody of a superhero show, there's the occasional battle with a villain, and that's something they simply weren't willing to put out the effort to do right. Everything is only described in text, and it takes way too long to read through it. You can fast forward through them, but you're almost guaranteed to speed through something you probably wanted to read, or stop short and have to read through more annoying and pointless text. Don't make video games tedious!

I can't say I like the art style. I've played more hentai games than I probably should, and the characters in this one just look...wrong. Mouths especially. Not "wrong" in an "oh that's so gross I'm totally turned off" kind of way, just in a way that made it hard to focus on the fact that I was supposed to be trying to get together with them.

BGM is acceptable at best. The voice acting sounds okay. If I spoke more Japanese I could probably give a more professional opinion on it.

Replay value-2/10
There's bagging the other girls, of course, and this is one of those games that has a harem ending after you get all the single endings, but trust me when I say it is not worth it.

Overall-2/10 (not averaged)
If I felt like playing this game several times to remember exactly what all I hated about it I could go on, but I think I've tortured myself enough. I like a little flavor with my hentai rather than just going to school and banging all your female classmates, but this game didn't do what it could've with its chosen inspiration. Don't start what you can't finish.

Reviewer's Rating:   1.0 - Terrible

Originally Posted: 03/23/07

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