Review by HisDudeness

"Sorry Eidos, beautiful women ain't gonna cut it. And, she ain't even that beautiful!"

I’ve come across some bad games in my time. Though I’ve never really played any of games that all the other reviewing dudes rant about all the time (Heroes of the Lance, Bokosuka Wars, etc.) but I have played a horror known as Test Drive Off Road 2. But, this game goes beyond that. I don’t know why people say that this game is a real tribute to Action games, because it is nowhere near earning a tribute. In fact, this game really mares the Action genre more than just be an average game. I’m not talking about some crappy game that no one has ever heard of. I’m talking about Tomb Raider. Don’t know why I’m rating this game so low? I’ll tell you. Now.

Okay. Let’s say that right now, you get me a piece of cardboard. Now that you have that, I’ll throw dirt on it. Then, play this game, and run up to a wall. See the difference? Well, I didn’t. Seriously, most of the environments look just like someone threw dirt and sand on them. Also, the environments are very unimaginative and bland as well, with few differentiations sometimes between levels, other than walls being different colors. A basic environment is usually a square room, with flat walls that look like they have holes in them, and maybe a few features that separate it from the other area. Speaking of holes, did I mention there are tons of holes? Well, one time I was playing a level in Europe, and I was just about to get a lead bar that I had worked for about 40 min. to get. I accidentally sidestep, and I fall through a wall into a deep black void, never to be seen again. Other flaws are the objects. Want to know why? Well, I walk into a little shrubbery, and just as soon as I walked in, I was out. Why? The Bushes were flat. I don’t know about you, but bushes aren’t flat in my area! This is just one of another problems that adds to the overall unimaginative graphics. One last thing, at some points, the game was impossible, because I’d be walking, then all of a sudden, everything would get grainy, and an enemy would pop up, right in front of me!!!! Overall fury.

Here it is. Some dudes at a company are looking for someone to go and recover the Scion, an object of unbelievable power. Problem is that the pieces are spread about very deep in tombs around the world. So, they decide that they need a person that can go and do their dirty work. So, they find Lara Croft, and say Hey, go out and get this for us! You get no pay, just do it! Unbelievably, she says yes. One thing that I really hate about this is that there are things that just pop up! Like, when I first went into the Europe levels, this guy starts shooting at me! I have no idea why, and then after I finish the level, I get word that this guy is really from an enemy company, and then they give me the go ahead to kill him. Gee, isn’t that what I was trying to do? The problem is, there are just so many of these occurrences, it just gets painful.

Sound and Music-0/10
Well, this is going to be pretty short. For one thing, there are only a few sounds, such as Lara’s foot-stepping, or enemies growling at you. But, they are very grainy, and Lara’s feet just get annoying after awhile. One thing that I had a problem with is that they would make a creature known as a Vampire Bat, which normally bite when you are asleep, come and bite you, and Lara actually makes the sound “Ooooohhhhh!!!!”. Hehe, I think I would be screaming instead of cooing it along. The only music is this one tune that will start up every once in awhile when you step into some really big, important room in the areas. But, there is no difference, just the same tune, over and OVER. Overall annoying sounds, and that one song will drive you up the wall. If I could recommend any music to you, maybe make it some light rock, like Santana. I don’t know why, but it just seems to fit the game.

Control: 0/10
I have only given 0/10 for control on one other game. But, this is almost worse than that! The controls in here are downright clunky, and it takes a lot to get your character to move around. Lara is very hard to steer around, and instead of going backwards, you do a jump backwards! So, if you’re trying to pick up an item, you need to do a lot of stepping around, and the like. And, what really sucks is the jumping. The jumping system just adds to the trouble. Instead of just doing a normal jump, you first of all press the square button, and after you run for about another 5 steps, you finally jump the way you want to. And, you have to press the way you jump BEFORE you press the jump button. This leads to tons of cheap deaths, and you know no one likes that! Plus, buttons don’t respond to you, and sometimes if you’re being attacked, you pull out your guns, and you don’t shoot at the animal! In fact, if there are about 4 enemies all around you attacking you, the control gets so clunky you can’t even move! What the hell is wrong with this?

Gameplay: 2/10
Well, this pretty much sucks as well. You play as Lara Croft, a young adventurer, who sets out to find the Scion. Through your quest, you’ll visit such places as Incan Ruins in Peru, and gothic ruins in Rome. But, be warned! There will be many things that will stop you in your path, such as Lions in Rome, and Wolves in Peru! But wait. Did you just hear what I said? I’m sorry, but Wolves are not found in Peru, especially in old decrepit Incan ruins. And, unless lions live over 3,000 years without food, they aren’t going to be in Rome. In fact, the game is plagued with what I call Delta Force Syndrome. A game that is filled with tons of stupid, stupid idiosyncrasies. Things include being able to be attacked by swimming giant rats, a dude shooting at you that you first get word of a level before he dies, and how ancient civilizations are able to rig up pull switches to electrically open doors. Just plain stupid. But, it goes beyond there. The gameplay is just plain boring, and the enemies are just plain stupid. Such as when I am in a pool, the Wolves around it will go around it and not even notice me, even if I’m at the edge! But, if I get out, they all of a sudden notice me, and run over. Also, as I mentioned before, the enemies will all of a sudden pop up at you, and since the screen gets so grainy when this happens, you can barely move around. You’ll have no fun playing this, as after the first level, it gets to just be all tediousness. Plus, one last thing from my mind. Tomb Raider: One that travels deep into temples, mosques, or the likes, and acts as a grave robber, taking all that they can possess from the dead. Well, this game doesn’t even live up to it’s namesake. None of the environments acts, or looks like a tomb of any sort, and she never really raids areas of anything really large or full of wealth. An overall dissapointment.

Replay Value: 1/10
Well, there is a mode where if you beat the game once, it gets harder, with more enemies in certain areas. Gee, that’s just what I want to do! After playing an already miserable game, let’s play it again, except this time with even more pop up, and due to that, it’ll make the graphics even WORSE to look at! Come on, dude! Boot up Tomb Raider again, so we can play through this monstrosity AGAIN! And, if you can find all of the secrets in the game, you get an added bonus of yet MORE enemies in ALL of the levels! Let’s do it! Yeah, right.

Fun Factor: 0/10
There should almost be no explanation for this. What you need to do is read the rest of my review above this. Then, come back to here, and say, “Am I going to have fun?” Well, what do you think you’re answer is going to be? NO. It is a teenie bit fun in the first level, after 1/3 through that, you’ll be swearing, angrily at your TV.

Difficulty Description: It’s Hard!
I’ve seen some hard games, but COME on! You have no idea where to go since you don’t have a map, master all of those moves, play through this monstrosity, and still be able to hang from a wall shooting? Give me a break! Hmmmm, now does seem like a good time to have a Kit Kat. *Runs Off To Get One*.

Mmmmmmm!!!! That was good! Now, back to this game, and the recap.

Sound and Music-0/10
Difficulty Description-It’s Hard!

Score, let’s see, carry the 2, divide, I got it!

Overall-0.1/10. But, since I can't do that, 1/10

To Buy? Hmmmmmm. Let me think. No.

Reviewer's Rating:   0.5 - Unplayable

Originally Posted: 01/13/01, Updated 01/13/01

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