Review by xVAExVICTUSx
"12 years of developement = a 12 year old game"
First off, let me say I'm not a Duke Nukem fanatic. I have not been saying a prayer every night before I go to sleep for the past 12 years, wishing for Duke Nukem Forever to come out. However, I do enjoy a good first person shooter, or really a good game in general. I'm willing to give anything a try just to see if I may like it. Duke Nukem Forever should be retitled Duke Nukem Shoulda Stayed Gone Forever. I read the press reviews before buying this game, and heard the fan outcry in response. So against my better judgement I dropped $60 on this game, which I could have gotten a more productive use out of the money if I had used it as toilet paper. Everything about this game feels old and outdated. From the gameplay to the pre-adolocesant jokes, there is nothing about this game that feels new or fresh. Which isn't always a bad thing, but when your basically stealing gameplay from other games, then mocking those games in the process, it doesn't feel nostalagic, it feels like you were in a coma for 10 years and now your trying to still act like the "cool kid".
Don't get me wrong, the actual gunfights in the game can be fun, but they get old really, really fast. The thing that made Duke Nukem so great at the start of the FPS genre was that you carried an arsenal of weapons, and enough ammo to take out an entire company of enemies. Unfortunately, Duke Nukem Forever does away with this in favor of a more modern, limited ammo, only 2 weapons at anyone time setup. The one gun you should always have with you is the shotgun. Every other gun is pratically useless in normal firefights. The enemies in this game prefer to get up real close either to shoot you or meele you. The only time another weapon rises to the forefront is during boss fights, where even the in-game hints tell you that only explosives and turrets can damage a boss. So during that time the RPG becomes your best friend. However, for such a bad ***, Duke is really quite weak. It doesn't take a whole lot of effort to kill him, so expect to die on a regular basis. Which leads into the next problem with the game. The loading times in this game are insane. And you will have to sit at a loading screen every time you die. Slowly your frustration will build, never at the fact you got killed, but at the fact you got to sit and stare at the screen for upwards of 30 seconds every time it happens. Then there are little glitches in the game, that just add to the frustration. While trying to play the billiards mini game, I would find myself sinking a colored ball, only to about 3 seconds hear Duke curse, and the table get reset. I watched carefully, and found the balls would mysteriously fall out from the bottom of the table. But the one that directly effects progress through the game, is during the tedious platforming segments of the game. You will be jumping from object to object, and maybe brush against a wall or shelf and for no apparent reason you will all the sudden go flying through the air away from the object, and fall to your death. It happened to me a total of 3 times, and always seems to happen during the platforming parts where you are tiny.
The graphics in this game are terrible. They look like a so-so PS2 game, and don't even call it a regular Xbox game, because even a budget title on the first Xbox had better graphics than this game. It is most noticeable to me when your looking at characters with hair. Unless your standing right next to them, their hair looks like thin strands of yarn, and they all look balding. The environments are nothing special to look at, they are about as dull and run of the mill as can be. Which makes one wonder why you have to sit through 30 second loading screens so often? In this day of open world games that can have alot of activity going on in them, you would expect a largely empty, remarkably small area, to take no time to load, especially with the graphics being as subpar as they are.
This part here is what absolutely killed this game for me. I understand Duke is suppose to be crude and arrogant, but what is said and occurs within this game is just downright insulting to human intelligence. I swear at certain points I could feel my brain cells dying from exposure to this garbage. The most disturbing part is during the level the Hive. Naked women are restrained and being impregnated by tentacled creatures, and the tentacles all resemble male reproductive organs. It looks like this entire level is dedicated to Japanese XXX Cartoon porn, and then Duke makes that painfully obvious. After killing one monster in the level he states, "Take your tentacled freak ** back to Japan." Then the monster that was doing all the impregnating hit me with a ranged attack, that was graphic, disgusting, and vile. There was absolutely no mistaking what that monster had fired at me. Seriously though, this title should be classified as AO, not M. If you allow your children to view or play this, please turn them over to Child Protective Services before more harm is done. I can appreciate sarcasm, I can appreciate toilet humor. But the only purpose the content in this game serves is to please people on the Sex Offender Registrary.
The music is pretty decent considering the source material, and it is nice that they throw in the original Duke Nukem music in the areas with the minigames. Also it is nice to have Duke's original voice, and it is hilliarious to hear tiny Duke talk. Just imagine if Duke inhaled about 3 tanks of helium, and that is what he sounds like.
As far a controls and how they work, the game does a pretty decent job overall. If you have played an FPS within the last 10 years you should feel right at home with the controls.
Look, I know alot of people out there think this game is like the second coming of Jesus or something, but it isn't. I'm sorry, but if you play this game, and think this is the best thing ever, than either your really good at lying to yourself or you have some serious issues you need to resolve. I bought this game expecting some cheap laughs and good humor, along with a decent FPS shoot-a-thon. And while it does deliver at first, the jokes, and the overall content, start to become completely distasteful and unquestionably vulgar by any definition. The fact that the gameply itself feels completely outdated, just makes the vileness of the game's content all that more apparent. And just to be clear, I hate censureship, and I don't believe a game should be banned for pushing the boundraries of the content present in it. But this game does not attempt to push boundaries for creativity or narrative. It is obscene, just to be obscene.
Reviewer's Rating: 0.5 - Unplayable
Originally Posted: 06/20/11
Game Release: Duke Nukem Forever (US, 06/14/11)
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