Review by BigWorldJust

Reviewed: 11/03/05

Never, Never Again

Story - 1/10

Untold Legend's story genuinely appears to have been made for the sole purpose of insulting everyone who plays it. It might sound like I'm exaggerating, but I'm not. It's that bad.

Apparently, Aven (the game's central town) has been peaceful for millenia. Or centuries. It doesn't matter. The point is, something is going wrong. And that something is dog-sized, venomous spiders that apparently turn people into slaves to Athloxxia, the spider queen.

Now, if you've ever played anything in the Forgotten Realms setting, you're probably already offended at the "spider queen" reference (all nerds know Lolth is the spider queen). Well, this spider queen is taken very literally. She's a huge spider (about the size of a semi-truck). That on it's own wouldn't be so bad, except that it isn't really the problem. The problem is that Athloxxia isn't a problem for more than an hour of game-playing time. After that, something else is a problem. After that, something else.

Untold Legends has a never-ending stream of bite-size stories, all in the same town and time. Boy, this millenia-long-peaceful city sure has been having a lot of problems lately, huh? That sure is convenient. There isn't any correlation between these miniature epics, yet they keep happening within 15 minutes of eachother. To top it off, the story is renaissance-fair ready. Everything about this game seems to have been created by a Dungeons and Dragons nerd. Thirty years ago. I'm getting off the story subject, though, so on to the next problem!

Graphics - 5/10

Aspiring to be average, and succeeding tremendously, Untold Legends' graphics are rock-solid. I've never seen anything so average in my life, with the exception of Serious Sam (which is actually fun).

So, is there anything stylized or unique about anything of the graphics? Well, the Knight (yes, there is a Knight class) looks pretty standard. Cloth through Chain through Plate-styled armor and some large swords that look like... Swords. Wow. How about the Druid? That sounds pretty original (even though there's one in Diablo II: Lord of Destruction, the game that everybody says this game ripped off). So what does he look like? Well, he looks like a... Guy. He has arms, legs, skin, hair, and a face. Huh. Well, I'll bet his spells are pretty nifty! Look, he can... Summon Thorny Decoy? Sting? What do those do? Let's check it out.

"Pudd'n Head casts Summon Thorny Decoy."

Well, gosh, if it isn't a tumbleweed! And look, it attracts the enemies attention! Only wait, if I attack the enemy he loses interest in the tumbleweed, and starts hitting me again. Gosh, that isn't very useful. Well, what about Sting?

"Pudd'n Head casts Sting on Spider. 47 Damage dealt."

Well, that looked a lot like the Necromancer from Diablo II's Teeth spell. Only there was only one. And it kind of made a little poof of smoke when it hit. Sound visually stimulating? No? Yeah, well, it's actually a lot plainer than I'm making it sound. It's kind of difficult to express how plain this game's graphics are. Sorry.

Sound - 3/10

I was tempted to make this another 1/10 out of spite. You see, in order to review this game, I've had to play it a lot. I felt duty-bound to do so. As such, I've had the Knight's (my completely plain hack n' slasher of choice) grunting sound effect permanently engrained in my mind.


Rather, the Knight's two grunt sound effects engrained in my mind. "Hoo!" and "Ha!". At first, this is just like the story and graphics; not a problem. But you know what? Play this game for a few hours. Go on. You'll notice the sound becoming more and more and more painful as you go on.

If you don't want to pay $40 to torture yourself and see what this is like, try this: Find a blender and turn it on. Sit right next to it. No problem, right? Well, sit there for an hour. By the end of the hour, you'll know what Untold Legend's sound effects are like. How about the music? That's an important thing to cover in "Sound", right? Well, I really wish I didn't have to. I don't want to think about it, or come up with a creative way to describe it. But here goes.

Have you ever been to a renaissance fair? Or watched a really old movie about knights or something relating to them? It had really corny music, right? Kind of like "dee-de-dee-de-dum-de-dum-dum-de-dum" at a really high tempo? (It's hard to describe music, okay?!)

Well, that's the Untold Legends soundtrack. Not part of it. All of it. And it's only at the title screen (something I'm truly grateful for). That's why I put sound effects first - because there's more of them. Sure, there's some music in town and out and about - but it's ambience music. If you don't know what ambience music is, do this:

Turn off all household appliances.
Sit down.
Now you know what ambience music is. Wind. Maybe some chatter (which would go under "sound effects").

Gameplay - 4/10

Okay. Fine. You know what? I admit it. This game has something going for it. So do the Vancouver Canucks, but they never win.

I don't know where I was going with that analogy, so forget it.

Untold Legend's gameplay hits the "average" mark so squarely that it actually becomes "below average" by virtue of it's average-ness. This is much more possible than it sounds. Once you do something enough times, no matter how average it is, it becomes below average. I've done this in every hack n' slasher I've ever played. I played Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in Time when I was little (and still do). I played Diablo II a couple years ago. I played Dynasty Warriors on my PSP a couple hours ago to remind myself that they're not all bad.

Untold Legends takes the basics of the basics, and tries to pass them off as a game. It's almost surreal. It becomes worse than everything else by doing this. I don't know how. I don't know why. I don't want to know how or why. I honestly want to forget about it.

I don't think I'll ever forget Untold Legends. Every time I dump a girlfriend, have a bad day, or stub my toes, I will remember this game.

Overall - 2/10

I hate this game!

Rating:   1.0 - Terrible

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