Review by Rick L
"I could have peanut butter toast for breakfast, but I'd rather have a punch to the head instead."
Like a leech to the human body, I saw some reviews that were pretty bad for this game after I'd got done reviewing the two Barbie games for the SNES. And when I see games that have 1, 2, and 3 ratings, you know that I can't ever pass up the opportunity to kick a game while it's down. This here, is absolutely no exception.
So I pop in the game and fairly quickly, I see that this is a game about diabetes. Yes, diabetes. Wonderful, I can see where this is is going quite quickly. I'm led to a pretty little title screen of a dude named Captain Novolin running at a doughnut, a piece of licorice, and a foaming glass of green soda. Now I don't know about you, but seeing the label screen, then seeing the title screen, I almost think that Captain Novolin wants to commit suicide by eating a crapload of sugary food.
So I press Start, and I get to pick my language. I pick English since je ne parle pas le francais, and yo no hablo espanol. I also get to put in the code that the doctor told me was right for me! However, since I have diabetes, nor do I have a special code perscribed by my doctor, I just skip it, and then I'm treated to a nice little story. Unfortunately, the President was not kidnapped by ninjas. No...this is a smaller scale crime on the horizon. You see, Captain Novolin is running on his Treadmill of Justice as he watches the News Report of Informative News. Aliens have kidnapped the mayor, who unsurprisingly is as diabetic as girls think Justin Timberlake is hot. He's got 48 hours to live because this is a game about diabetes, so it just so happens by some stroke of unfortunate chance that the mayor is stricken with diabetes. However, that's not the end of it. Apparantly, the aliens have decided to disguise themselves as a various assortment of junk food. And you, Captain Novolin must save him! Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the mayor? Yes, you are! So you hop off your Treadmill of Justice and proceed up, up, and away....to a place where he thinks about doctors.
Yes, that's right. He stops to think about doctors. Captain Novolin's starting to become really, really weird, because not many of us stop in the middle of somewhere, especially when there's a mayor who needs saving or he's gonna croak, and start pondering over our doctors. So if he ponders over doctors...guess what, kids? Yes...Captain Novolin is diabetic too! What a complete surprise!
Dr. Woman is a very, very unattractive woman who tells us that we should check our blood sugar level at least four times a day, but however...get this...we can check it more if we'd like! HOORAY! I have truckloads of fun checking my own blood sugar! Then the ugly woman reminds you to not forget to take your insulin dose! So then you take your insulin which is a finger-breaking effort to press "Up" on the control pad. And so now that we've injected ourselves with insulin, we have to think of Dr. African American who looks like someone drew his face with smears of feces, who tells us what we can and can't eat! He suggests that we eat peanut butter toast, half a banana, a glass of milk, and a bowl of cereal for breakfast, and if we want a snack, we can have an apple and some crackers!
So now that Novolin's done sitting around fantasizing about his doctors, he can finally go out and save the mayor from certain death! So you're thrown out on the street to go look for the mayor. Now, for some super special powers, you have the ability to move, duck, jump and....that's it. Yes, this is the extent of Captain Novolin's powers. There's no junk-food killing eye lasers, no throwing insulin needles like ninja stars, and no super sub-atomic glucose bombs, nope. You simply have to dodge enemies to get to the end! Captain Novolin isn't much of a superhero now, is he? Basically, all you do is collect just some of the food items and skip the rest, for if your blood sugar gets too high, you basically drop dead and kiss the ground like you were married to it. Neat, huh? Not only that, every little tap, touch, and near-miss will have Captain Novolin being hurt like someone nailed him with a sledgehammer. Obviously, donuts and boxes of sweets hurt just as much as being hit by a car.
And basically, this is what you do for the whole game. Until you get to the end where you just do jack squat anyway. Captain Novolin...you completely suck as a superhero and Spider-Man would kick your little wussy ass any day of the week. It's nice that you help kids with diabetes, but you fail in every other aspect of being a superhero.
The graphics themselves were basically OK. Nothing to write home about, but they suited things adequately. You could actually tell what things were, but some things needed clarity such as Dr. African-American. The sound and music was very annoying, or forgettable. After turning off the game, I can't even remember if there was background music or not except for the doctors giving you lectures.
So I've learned a few things about this game. One, Captain Novolin sucks as a superhero and should go get a real job instead of running around in a crappy spandex outfit.
Secondly, I learned that aliens disguising themselves as junk food is the best disguise ever. Why hasn't Hollywood picked up on this yet? Just imagine how much better alien movies would be if you saw a UFO disguised as a huge candy dish even!
Third, I will say that I seriously did learn a little more about diabetes than before. Not much mind you, but just when people take the insulin and stuff.
This game is in the range of things that should be used as coasters and doorstops. It's great to put that diabetes-friendly glass of milk on as you're eating your peanut butter toast and cereal.
Rick Rating: Sugar-Free and filled with bitter substitute.
Reviewer's Rating: 1.0 - Terrible
Originally Posted: 05/19/05
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