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    Game Script by Wanderglass

    Version: 1.01 | Updated: 02/08/10 | Search Guide | Bookmark Guide

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    Written by:                                Wanderglass
    Latest version:                            1.00
    Completed on:                              03/21/2008
    Last update:                               02/08/2010
    Contact:                                   wanderglass(at)gmail(dot)com
    INTRODUCTION                                                              [IN1]
    RANK 10 DEATH METAL                                                       [R10]
    PRE-FIGHT: RANK 9                                                         [P09]
    RANK 9 DR. PEACE                                                          [R09]
    PRE-FIGHT: RANK 8                                                         [P08]
    RANK 8 SHINOBU                                                            [R08]
    PRE-FIGHT: RANK 7                                                         [P07]
    RANK 7 DESTROYMAN                                                         [R07]
    PRE-FIGHT: RANK 6                                                         [P06]
    RANK 6 HOLLY SUMMERS                                                      [R06]
    PRE-FIGHT: RANK 5                                                         [P05]
    RANK 5 LETZ SHAKE                                                         [R05]
    PRE-FIGHT: RANK 4                                                         [P04]
    RANK 4 HARVEY MOISEIWITSCH VOLODARSKII                                    [R04]
    PRE-FIGHT: RANK 3                                                         [P03]
    RANK 3 SPEED BUSTER                                                       [R03]
    PRE-FIGHT: RANK 2                                                         [P02]
    RANK 2 BAD GIRL                                                           [R02]
    PRE-FIGHT: RANK 1                                                         [P01]
    RANK 1 DARK STAR                                                          [R01]
    ENDING/REAL ENDING                                                        [REN]
    CREDITS                                                                   [CDT]
    DISCLAIMER NOTICE                                                         [DNT]
    VERSION HISTORY                                                           [VSN]
    INTRODUCTION                                                              [IN1]
    [The introduction shows a montage of the game's scenes and trailer.]
    Travis: I know a lot of gamers out there don't have much patience. Least that's
            what Bishop, the dude at the video store said. So I'm at the register,
            then I realize I got no money. I was seriously broke. Why? Cuz I met
            this smokin' hot chick last night at the Death-Match bar. Man, she
            smelled good! So being the gentleman I am, I bought her a drink.
            Anyhoo, I decide to get a job. The gig: assassinate the Drifter. So I
            went where I was supposed to and waited for the guy to show up. And
            there he was. This cat. Well dressed, cool. Couldn't tell if he was
            "the shit"...or just plain ol' shit. Yeah, so he's stylin', fast,
            aggressive and packin' heat. Bada Bing! Or at least it was supposed to
            be... Til she showed up. Her name: Sylvia Christel. An agent with this
            whatchamacallit Association.
    Sylvia: Congratulations. You are certified as the 11th-best hit man. How about
            getting rid of the ten killers above you and aim for the top?
    Travis: I wanna be number one. How's that? Short and simple enough for you?
            It's gonna be a long, hard road. But who knows? Could kick ass... Could
            be dangerous. Could totally suck. Whaddaya say, bro? Join me. Let's see
            how far we can take this. And for you there holding the Wii Remote
            right now... Just press the A Button. Let the bloodshed begin.
    RANK 10 DEATH METAL                                                       [R10]
    [Travis crashes through Count Townsend's mansion's main gate on his motorbike, 
    the Schpeltiger. He then jumps to the sky and chops off two guards' heads off 
    as he lands.]
    Travis: Fuckhead.
    [Travis walks to a scared guard who has his back to a door.]
    Travis: Yo. Help me out here. Where's this Death Metal dude?
    [The guard stammers in fright.]
    Travis: Bad answer.
    [Travis chops the guard's head off and kicks the door open.]
    Travis: It's game time!
    [Travis fights through the stage.]
    [Travis' cell phone is ringing.]
    Sylvia: Hey Travis? Your ranked fight begins just up ahead. Win, and you will
            be 10th. Lose, and hell awaits. Are you up to this? Need a bathroom
            break? Whatever you need to do, do it now. Your opponent, some call him
            the Holy Sword. He is good. But I know you can take him. You are the
            man! Eye of the tiger! He only looks tough because his mother was an
            ugly bitch. Take it to the red zone! Assassin's way at full throttle!
            Unleash your power! Show no mercy! Bring me Death Metal's head! Enter
            when you are prepared to fight. I believe in you and your Force. Now
            off to the Garden of Madness...
    [Death Metal's introduction scene.]
    [Death Metal is sitting on a reclining chair, holding a glass of wine.]
    Death Metal: Quite beautiful, wouldn't you say? Paid for with the lives of  
                 many. When you have the strength to take life for yourself... That
                 is true wealth. I am free of desire. So long as I have this
                 scenery to look upon. I need nothing more. Please, leave me be.
    Travis: You're the one leaving... In a body bag.
    Death Metal: I'll only say this once more. Leave here now!
    Travis: Me, leave? You obviously don't know me.
    Death Metal: You don't get it, do you?
    Travis: Hey, you know what Paradise is, right?
    Death Metal: Paradise?
    Travis: This is Paradise -- the place where dreams are fulfilled. Well, you've
            had your dream, old man. Time to wake up!
    Death Metal: This is no Paradise.
    Travis: All right. Then what is it?
    [Death Metal stands up from his chair as his jacket falls off, revealing his 
    Death Metal: A place to die.
    Travis: I'm glad you and I are on the same page here.
    Death Metal: So naive. You have no idea, do you? What a pity. You make an old
                 man cry. Arrogant, crude little shits like you come around from
                 time to time.
    [Death Metal begins to walk up the steps with Travis.]
    Death Metal: Listen well, young one. The wall is high... Higher than you will
                 ever know.
    [Death Metal draws his beam katana out.]
    Death Metal: Ultimate sacrifice is sublime. Now draw.
    Travis: You can take that to your grave.
    [The fight begins. Travis' monologue begins.]
    Travis: This count... I feel as if I'm looking at my future self. Mega bucks,
            big ass house, fast cars... Dining in style with a world class chef and
            a trusty nutritionist counting every calorie. A team of hot yoga
            instructors to keep me in shape. Nurses to attend to my body... Maids
            and loyal servants at my beck and call. On the weekends, tanned babes
            knocking on my door every two hours. Every day full of excitement and
            luxury. That'd be the life. Everything in its right place. It's the
            perfect life. It's the life for winners. That'll be my life! I thirst
            for selflessness. Hypocrites lusting for their own desires get killed
            by young rookies like me. This is how it goes down. And for the old
            killers? They'll croak anyway. I guess you can call this a comedy. I
            realize there's really nothing here for me. But what else can I do but
            keep going? Maybe I should have been a little more careful before I
            jumped in. Gotta find the exit. Gotta find that exit to Paradise. But,
            I can't see it. Can't see anything. There's this sense of doom running
            down my spine, like it's... Like it's trying to suck the life out of
            me. I need to get rid of it before I bail. Something deeper... Deeper
            than my instincts is taunting me. Can't find the exit. Can't find the
            exit. Can't find the exit. Can't find the exit. Can't find the exit.
    [The fight ends. Travis dodges Death Metal's attack and slices his arms off, 
    which causes them to fly up to the ceiling, still holding the beam katana.]
    Death Metal: Extraordinary. The moment I've been waiting for. The name "Holy
                 Sword" is now yours.
    Travis: You're joking, right? I don't care about titles or power. I just wanna
            be number one.
    Death Metal: Then master the ways of the assassin.
    Travis: Here's your ticket to Paradise, old man!
    [Travis cuts Death Metal's head off.]
    [Sylvia is waiting with Talbot and Webber.]
    Sylvia: Nice kill, Travis. I didn't think you had it in you. It was rather...
            Exciting. Congratulations. You are now ranked 10th.
    Travis: 10th, huh? What? Do I get anything?
    Sylvia: Hmm... How about some cash? That should help you pay the bills.
    Travis: I'm not feeling the sense of accomplishment that I should here. So I
            just gotta do this a few more times, right?
    Sylvia: If you so choose, yes.
    Travis: And you will keep your promise?
    Sylvia: There is nothing the Association cannot do.
    Travis: And if I refuse?
    Sylvia: As the 10th ranked assassin, you are now a target for those who want to
            replace you. Anytime, anywhere. Number eleven could be right around the
            corner, ready to put a knife in your eye.
    Travis: So what you're tellin' me is that I gotta continue fighting. There's no
            way out of this. You set me up, bitch!
    Sylvia: Quit your bitching and get with the program. There's only one road out
            of here. No turning back.
    Travis: OK, how 'bout this? If I become number one, will you do it with me?
    Sylvia: Mmm... Maybe... Maybe not...
    Travis: C'mon! Just once!
    PRE-FIGHT: RANK 9                                                         [P09]
    [Travis returns to the No More Heroes motel. After getting his toilet break, he 
    leaves his room and finds a limo at the entrance of the motel. He enters it.]
    Sylvia: The next fight has been arranged. You don't have a lot of time so I'll
            just tell you what you need to know. The 9th ranked assassin is
            currently... Dr. Peace.
    Travis: A doctor?
    Sylvia: Actually, a detective. A dirty and unscrupulous detective with plenty
            of dark secrets about him. Illegal investigations... Illicit sales...
            Black marketing... He is your one-stop shop for marketing illegal
            goods. And on top of that, he is a trained assassin. He's been doing
            some work for the Mafia. And before you know it, he's up there, ranked
            9th on the list. To be frank, he's good.
    [Sylvia kicks Travis on the head for attempting to touch her.]
    Sylvia: You won't stand a chance against him. You're as good as dead. So what's
            it going to be, cowboy?
    Travis: Put me in, coach!
    Sylvia: Alright. Please transfer 150,000 LB dollars.
    Travis: Wha? 150,000 LBs?!
    Sylvia: Your entry fee, my overhead costs... Don't tell me that you were not
            expecting so many zeroes on that price or that I'm ripping off or some
            shit. We have an elite staff in the thousands. Personally? I think it's
            a bargain.
    Travis: OK. I gotcha. But you really think I got that kind of dough on me? What
            the hell am I supposed to do?
    Sylvia: You are supposed to do your job. You've been hired to kill someone, so
            just do it and quit your whining. Plus, on-the-job training would be
            good for you. If you're interested, I can introduce you to an
            agent. ... An "advertisement agency". But really, they're erasers. I'll
            tell you where it is later. I am running late for my facial. Catch up
            later. K?
    [Sylvia leans back on her seat.]
    Travis: Wha?
    [Travis gets kicked out of the car at the entrance of K-Entertainment.]
    [Travis pays the entrance fee and returns to his room. He checks his telephone 
    for new messages.]
    Sylvia: Hey, Travis. The next fight has been prepared... Destroy Stadium. Dr.
            Peace is waiting for you. Hop to it.
    RANK 9 DR. PEACE                                                          [R09]
    [Travis fights through the stage.]
    [Travis' cell phone is ringing.]
    Sylvia: Travis hello? The moment you step onto the field, the fight begins. If
            you win, you will be ranked 9th. If you lose, well, there's no need to
            go into that. Need to pop a breath mint? Hit the restroom? Brush your
            teeth? When you're ready, step inside. To be honest, your chances of
            survival are slim. But trust your Force... And head for the Garden of
    [Dr. Peace's introduction scene.]
    [Dr. Peace sings "The virgin child makes her wish without feeling anything". 
    After he finishes, Travis claps.]
    Dr. Peace: Thank you. Mighty kind, mighty kind of you.
    Travis: Nice set of pipes you got there, old man.
    Dr. Peace: It has always been my dream to perform in a stadium such as this. A
               gentleman from the Association told me I could have any stage I
               wanted today. How could I refuse such a kind offer?
    Travis (to himself): Courtesy of me and my entry fee no doubt.
    Dr. Peace: My ex-wife called me the other day and I met my daughter for the 
               first time in ten years. We dined at a fancy restaurant... One of
               those that are impossible to get a reservation for. Then afterwards,
    Travis: Who got you the reservation?
    Dr. Peace: The Association took care of it, of course.
    Travis (to himself): Fuck... My entry fee.
    Dr. Peace: What's important is not the fact that the reservations are hard to
               get. In fact, no one "gets" reservations. The words "Reservations
               Only" apply only to those outside of the circle. It's getting into
               that circle that matters.
    Travis: And the food? Good?
    Dr. Peace: Unfortunately, the atmosphere was a facade. Not once did my own
               daughter look me in the eye. Oh, the food? Tasted like blood...
    Travis: You're a junky for blood, old man.
    Dr. Peace: Sadly, I can't disagree. There's only one way to live. People like
               us... We're sharks attracted to blood. You smelled blood too, didn't
               you? Isn't that why you're here?
    Travis: You got it, old man. And for some reason, I feel this sense of
    Dr. Peace: Don't die on me too quickly. I want to gorge myself on this sense of
               fulfillment till I vomit.
    Travis: Man! This is what I live for. Fighting your own kind... Nothing's more
    Dr. Peace: See you on the other side.
    [Dr. Peace shoots off a bullet. Travis tries to deflect it with his beam katana 
    but ends up crashing against a wall. The fight begins and ends.]
    [Travis and Dr. Peace get ready for the final showdown.]
    Dr. Peace: Don't kid yourself.
    Travis: Playtime is over.
    [Travis successfully strikes first. Dr. Peace kneels down, bleeding in the 
    stomach. Travis picks the microphone and holds it to Dr. Peace.]
    Dr. Peace: Next song I sing, I know my daughter will love. Won't you, darling?
               Better practice my rap. Rap with me, Jennifer...
    [Dr. Peace dies.]
    Travis: It's open mic night in hell, old man. Sing all you want down there.
    [Sylvia is waiting with Talbot and Webber.]
    Sylvia: Congratulations. You are now ranked number nine.
    Travis: What'd you expect?
    Sylvia: Wait a minute. Are you getting a little sentimental? Still green aren't
            you? You know this is only the beginning.
    Travis: Call me when the next one's arranged.
    Sylvia: Game set!
    PRE-FIGHT: RANK 8                                                         [P08]
    [Travis checks his telephone for new messages.]
    Diane: Hi, this is Diane from Beef Head Videos. This is a message for a Mr.
           Travis Touchdown. Just calling to remind you that you haven't returned
           one of our rentals. Let's see here... It's uh... titled... "Big German
           Jugs Collection #23". Be sure to return it soon. Have a nice day.
    UAA agent: Congratulations, Mr. Touchdown. Your registration for the 9th UAA
               rank is now complete. Thank you very much for your cooperation. In
               addition... We have faxed you some information about the rankings in
               case you wish to continue your ascent. As a friendly reminder...
               There will be a small, nominal fee to participate in ranked fights.
               Thank you for your understanding and have a nice day.
    [Travis pays the entrance fee and returns to his room. He gets a phone call 
    from Sylvia.]
    Sylvia: Travis?
    Travis: Yeah?
    Sylvia: The next fight has been set.
    Travis: Wait a sec. Why the hell you telling me this over the phone?
    Sylvia: Why? Because I cannot decide what to wear to the Association's party
            tonight. Big-shots from across the nation will be there. This is
            serious business. So serious that I'm going to spray perfume on every
            square inch of my body.
    Travis: Yeah, whatever.
    Sylvia: Right, right. Your next opponent... Head for the school.
    Travis: To the school? And then what?
    Sylvia: Just go. You'll know what I'm talking about, I think...
    Travis: What'd ya mean, you "think"? You know, you really suck at your job.
    Sylvia: Life is more important than some job. That is why I'm busy shopping
            right now. You, on the other hand, are busy killing people because that
            is all you ever do. What? Am I wrong?
    Travis: Well, I guess not...
    Sylvia: Alright, then!
    RANK 8 SHINOBU                                                            [R08]
    [Travis fights through the stage.]
    [Travis' cell phone is ringing.]
    Sylvia: Hey Travis? Your next ranked fight begins the moment you step into that
            room. Win, and you'll rise to 8th in rank. Lose, and an even deeper
            circle of hell awaits. Wiped away your tears? Hit the can? Picked the
            tartar off your teeth? When you're ready, step inside. I highly doubt
            you'll survive this fight. But hey, there's only one way to find out,
            right? Give it your best shot! I am 100% certain you're returning from
            this battle, Travis. ...In a body bag. But trust your Force, and head
            for the Garden of Madness.
    [Shinobu's introduction scene.]
    Shinobu: A rankings fight?
    Travis: Yeah, how 'bout it?
    Shinobu: All right. Will you give me a minute? Wait for me in the hallway.
    Travis: Right...
    [A slashing sound is heard as the screen goes dark. It is assumed that Shinobu 
    killed her classmates. She steps out of the classroom.]
    Shinobu: Mind if we do this somewhere else?
    Travis: You're the boss.
    [They walk to the school gym.]
    Shinobu: Stop checking me out like that.
    Travis: You killed them?
    Shinobu: Such a gentleman... Are you asking out of tactical curiosity? Or are
             you just fucking with me?
    Travis: Bet they didn't offer much resistance.
    Shinobu: You got a problem with that? You got no idea how hard it is to hide
             your true self around here.
    Travis: Hey, I'm not accusing anybody.
    [They enter the school gym.]
    Shinobu: A real gentleman... I just turned my back... But you didn't strike.
             You ARE fucking with me.
    Travis: It's actually pretty hard to take cheap shots when your enemy is as
            bloodthirsty as yourself.
    Shinobu: People like us think alike, don't we?
    Travis: Shall we?
    [Travis activates his beam katana. Shinobu seems surprised.]
    Shinobu: You will pay with your life! At last, I have my chance. I will now
             avenge my father!
    Travis: Something tells me you watch too many samurai movies, little girl!
    [They begin to fight. Shinobu unleashes Sonic Sword. Travis dodges it.]
    Travis: Holy... What the hell was that?
    [The fight begins and ends. Travis slices Shinobu's right arm off.]
    Shinobu: What are you waiting for?! Finish me!
    Travis: Finish you?
    Shinobu: Don't look at me like that! Don't!
    Travis: I think there's been some kind of misunderstanding. I never fought your
    Shinobu: Liar! You killed him! Sliced him in two... You sick bastard!
    [Shinobu tries to kick Travis, but he pulls her close to him. They are now in a 
    kissing position.]
    Travis: Woah Woah. Calm down a little.
    [Travis executes a wrestling move on her, and stays in that position.]
    Travis: Jacobs was my mentor. I'd never kill him.
    [Travis gets up.]
    Shinobu: Liar!
    Travis: I watched Master Jacobs' teachings on video over and over till the
            fuckin' tape wore out. We've never met in person.
    Shinobu: Kill me... I admit it. I lost. Just do it.
    Travis: How 'bout, "Kill yourself after you kill me?" Sounds like a bit
            straight out of a samurai movie, don't it?
    Shinobu: Shut up! Shut up and kill me already! You've already dishonored me
    Travis: Do it yourself.
    Shinobu: Please...
    Travis: I'll fight you anytime, anywhere. Until then... I'll be waiting.
    [Sylvia is waiting with Talbot and Webber.]
    Sylvia: Another victory, Travis. You are now ranked 8th.
    Travis: You gonna kill her?
    Sylvia: Probably not. She's still young. But I still have to follow the
            Association's rules of conduct.
    Travis: Then let her live.
    Sylvia: Are we suddenly in love, Travis?
    Travis: Hell no.
    Sylvia: Then why take the risk of her coming back for revenge? In this
            business, there's no such thing as mercy.
    Travis: "Kill when you can kill." That's bullshit. All I wanna do is fight
            someone better than me. She'll grow up. Why not kill her when she's
            stronger? Yeah... Then I'll kill her.
    Sylvia: You are sick.
    Travis: So are you.
    PRE-FIGHT: RANK 7                                                         [P07]
    [Travis checks his telephone for new messages.]
    Diane: This is Diane from Beef Head Videos. Just calling to let you know that
           one of the videos you returned yesterday wasn't one of ours. It doesn't
           have a label on it, but it seems to be a recording of a guy... Humping
           a pillow... The video you should have returned was "How to Please a
           Woman in Bed 101 Part 2". Please return it to us soon. Thank you.
    UAA Agent: Congratulations, Mr. Touchdown. Your registration for the 8th UAA
               rank is now complete. In addition, we have faxed you some 
               information about the rankings in case you wish to continue your
               ascent. Please transfer the money into the designated account. Have
               a nice day.
    [Travis pays the entrance fee and returns to his room. He gets a phone call 
    from Sylvia. She is calling from a place that looks like a beach which is under 
    Sylvia: Travis? Can you hear me? It's crazy over here. No time to explain! I'll
            send the details over snail mail. Gotta run!
    Travis: What the hell's going on over there? Geez. Don't leave me hangin',
    [Travis receives a snail mail from Sylvia.]
    Dear Travis,
    the next ranker is
    one dangerous dude.
    But there's no
    going home now.
    You've set foot
    on the path of
    a real man.
    No amount of
    tears can wash
    that choice away.
    Now, hurry to the
    subway, get on a
    train, and find
    him... Waiting.
    Put your life on
    the line!
    RANK 7 DESTROYMAN                                                         [R07]
    [Travis fights through the stage.]
    [Travis' cell phone is ringing.]
    Sylvia: Hey Travis? Your next ranked battle is at the filming studio. Win, and
            you'll be 7th. Lose, and you're dropping down to an even deeper circle
            of hell. So, how are you feeling, Travis? Your head feeling better?
            Relieved yourself lately? Maintaining proper oral hygiene? When you're
            ready, step inside. Some people say it's important to know when to give
            up... That you shouldn't aim for things that are obviously beyond your
            grasp. But ignore idiots like that! Don't accept defeat before the
            first punch has even been thrown! Hello? Anybody home? Did you even
            hear what I just said? And you call yourself an assassin... This is why
            third-rates like you are hopeless. I am 120% certain you are going to
            die. All you can do is trust your Force... And head for the Garden of
    [Destroyman's introduction scene.]
    [Travis enters a blood-splattered studio.]
    Travis: Oh man...
    John Hanetto: I thought I wouldn't make it here on time. Had to take care of
                  some customers that filed complaints. My apologies. So much to do
                  with so little help. I can't stand people with all their nonsense
                  complaints. They think they can just say anything. It's crazy.
                  But anyway, I'm here. I made it on time. That's the important
                  thing, right? I take it you're Mr. Eight?
    Travis: You? You're ranked?
    John Hanetto: Not me. Well, actually, it is me.
    Travis: THAT makes sense!
    John Hanetto: Never mind then. We've got a job to do. But first, I need some
                  time to get ready. Would you mind turning the other way? I need
                  some privacy.
    Travis: Privacy?
    John Hanetto: Yes. I need to prepare.
    Travis: Whatever. Don't mind me. Pretend like I'm not even here.
    John Hanetto: I just need you to look the other way for a second...
    Travis: A second?
    John Hanetto: Yes. Just a split second. I don't think it's too much to ask, do
    Travis: Then we can get on with our fight?
    John Hanetto: That is correct.
    Travis: All right...
    [Travis turns around and a beam of light comes out of nowhere and barely misses 
    him. Travis looks back and Destroyman is standing where John Hanetto was.]
    Destroyman: Damn it!
    Travis: That was close. For a second there I forgot that you were a killer.
    Destroyman: Sorry if I scared you. I didn't mean to do that. Something's wrong
                with me today.
    Travis: I let my guard down... Getting sloppy. I gotta stay on my toes.
    [Travis runs towards Destroyman. Destroyman holds his right hand up.]
    Destroyman: Do you mind if I ask you something?
    Travis: Yeah what is it, mister cosplay?
    Destroyman: We're both assassins, right? Why do we have to kill each other
                anyway? If you ask me, it's absolutely meaningless.
    Travis: It's about determining who's best. That's what it's about.
    Destroyman: Can't argue with that. Well then, let's get started.
    [Destroyman offers to shake Travis' hand.]
    Travis: What? You wanna shake hands?
    Destroyman: We're both fighters aren't we? Not killers, at least for now. This
                is a sign of sportsmanship, that we respect each other before and
                after the fight. Good luck.
    [They shake hands.]
    Travis: Likewise.
    Destroyman: Destroy Spark...
    [Travis feels the might of Destroy Spark. Destroyman laughs manically.]
    Destroyman: This is great! Is this guy an idiot or what? Is this a joke? You
                fell for the oldest trick in the book! Oh man! You are something.
                This is the best. Man, you really crack me up. I think this       
                laughter's going to kill me. Seriously! I think I might really die
                from laughter. It hurts. Someone help! Oh God! Oh shit. I thought I
                was gonna die there. For real. And look at you. You look like
                you're dead. I guess it's time for a wake up call.
    [Destroyman uses Destroy Blast and Destroy Beam on Travis.]
    Destroyman: This is where it gets good. Good night.
    [Destroyman uses Destroy Buster on Travis.]
    Travis: That was quite a move. I'll admit you've got potential. If challenge
            had a taste, you'd be quite delicious. Fight for the 7th? Yeah sure.
            Bring it on. I love a challenge.
    Destroyman: You're as good as dead.
    [The fight begins and ends. Travis stabs his beam katana from the back through 
    Travis: Don't cry like that. You're a killer, aren't you?
    Destroyman: Help...
    Travis: What?
    Destroyman: Help!
    Travis: I can't hear you.
    Destroyman: Help me. Please...
    Travis: What is this I hear from a 7th ranked killer? Whatever. It's over
    Destroyman: Please, help me...
    Travis: There you go.
    [Travis pulls the beam katana out. Destroyman smiles, turns around and shoots 
    machine gun bullets from his nipples. Travis cuts him in half.]
    [Sylvia is waiting with Talbot and Webber.]
    Sylvia: Travis, I'm starting to think that you may be for real. You are now 7th
            in rank.
    Travis: Hey, when I hit number one, you better be lookin' your best.
    Sylvia: No need to pretty up. I want you to see me for who I really am.
    Travis: Serious? Damn.
    PRE-FIGHT: RANK 6                                                         [P06]
    [Travis checks his telephone for new messages.]
    Diane: Um, this is Diane from Beef Head Videos. Just calling to let you know
           that the video you reserved is here. Title is... "How to Please a Woman
           in Bed 101 Part 3". One of the girls here said that you might need a new
           pillow cover for this one. You know, just for protection. Thank you.
    UAA Agent: Congratulations, Mr. Touchdown. Your registration for the 7th UAA
               rank is now complete. As always, we have faxed you some information
               about the rankings in case you wish to continue your ascent. Please
               transfer the money into the designated account as soon as possible.
               Thank you and have a nice day.
    [Travis pays the entrance fee and returns to his room. He gets a phone call 
    from Sylvia.]
    Sylvia: Travis? Hello? I'm at the beach, are you coming? Not like I'm waiting
            for you or anything...
    RANK 6 HOLLY SUMMERS                                                      [R06]
    [Sylvia is sunbathing at Body Slam Beach.]
    Sylvia: Rub some oil on me, will you?
    Travis: Me? You serious?
    Sylvia: What? Is there a problem?
    Travis: No... Thought you'd never ask.
    [Travis begins to rub some oil on Sylvia's legs.]
    Sylvia: Your next opponent is here on this beach.
    Travis: Just up ahead. So I'm supposed to fight on the beach?
    Sylvia: That is one of the conditions. Why? That's for you to figure out. Feels
            good. What other hidden talents do you have, Travis?
    [Travis' hand moves higher on Sylvia's leg.]
    Sylvia: Go any higher and I will kill you myself! Not until you become number
            one. We have a deal, remember? So hurry up and go get 'em!
    Travis: Yes, your highness.
    [Travis fights through the stage.]
    [Travis' cell phone is ringing.]
    Sylvia: Travis hello? The secret beach is up ahead... Then it's ranking match
            time. Win, and you'll be number six. Lose, and your new home will be in
            the flaming tombs of hell. Everything OK? How's that sharp pain in your
            neck? Bladder in a bind? Have you trimmed your nose hairs? When you're
            ready, step inside. You know, you've been quite cocky lately. Well,
            more than the usual dose of self assuredness. You think that being
            ranked seventh means your hot shit, don't you? And you're just raring
            to go... You've gone from dumb to dumber. Watching your meteoric rise
            of stupidity is truly painful to observe. That careless attitude of
            yours will be your undoing! And with that... I am 500% certain you will
            die this time, but trust your Force, and head for the Garden of
    [Holly Summers' introduction scene.]
    Holly: Do you like fighting?
    Travis: Yup.
    Holly: Do you like killing?
    Travis: Live for it.
    Holly: Do you like fear?
    Travis: Can't say... Never felt it.
    Holly: Do you accept death?
    Travis: Death? Never crossed my mind.
    Holly: Death is the only truth. You are still a mere bud.
    Travis: That's not a good thing, you know... Seeking meaning in everything.
            Especially killing. That's a bad habit among smart little girls these
    Holly: Come closer and you will understand everything.
    Travis: I'm ready. Anywhere, anytime!
    Holly: Just your ordinary assassin... Such a disappointment.
    Travis: Are you in the mood yet? Normal assassins don't shoot the shit like
            this. They see their target... And kill them!
    [Travis runs towards Holly but falls into a pit hole instead.]
    Holly: Let's see you get out of this predicament.
    Travis: No prob. You'll see.
    Holly: Uh-huh.
    [Holly tosses a grenade into the hole.]
    Holly: A bud that will never blossom... A sad truth. Good night, my sweet 7th.
    [Holly tosses three more grenades into the hole.]
    Travis: Oh crap.
    [Travis bounces upwards from the hole due to the explosions.]
    Travis: Nice trap. I like your style. Maybe I can steal a kiss before I steal
            your life.
    Holly: We'll see about that.
    [The fight begins and ends. Travis points his beam katana towards Holly's face.]
    Holly: What is this?
    [Travis backs off.]
    Holly: This is not mercy. You can't kill a woman? Pathetic. If you can't kill a
           woman, you are less than a thug. You'll never make it to the top. That's
           OK. I seem to have a thing for stupid pathetic men like you. I can
           accept defeat if it comes from your hand. I will let you in on a
           secret... Assassins must die when they lose. Open your eyes and never
           look back. Promise... Never forget me.
    Travis: Huh?
    Holly: Thank you. The moment you hesitated... I felt your embrace.
    [Holly pulls a grenade's pin off.]
    Travis: Hold up!
    Holly: Academics like to fantasize too, you know.
    [Holly bites the grenade.]
    Travis: Wait! Number Six! No!
    {Holly's head is blown off.]
    Travis: Forgive me... Number six. I never meant to shame you.
    [Travis hugs Holly's standing corpse.]
    [Sylvia is waiting with Talbot and Webber.]
    Sylvia: Not a very smooth victory there, Travis. But a win is a win. That's all
            that matters. I hate to award you this, but you are now 6th in rank.
    Travis: What was her name?
    Sylvia: That is not important anymore.
    Travis: You're right. But I owe her at least that.
    Sylvia: Holly Summers. Born in...
    Travis: No. ...Just her name.
    [Travis carries her body towards a hole dug in the sand.]
    Travis: Forgive me, Holly. I was late in saying this... But I love your soul.
            Rest in peace.
    [Travis drops Holly's body into the hole.]
    PRE-FIGHT: RANK 5                                                         [P05]
    [Travis checks his telephone for new messages.]
    Diane: Hey, this is Diane from Beef Head Videos. You're late in returning one
           of our videos. It's called "Coffee and MILF". Please return it ASAP.
           Have a nice day!
    UAA Agent: Mr. Touchdown, please wire the money as soon as possible. Please
               hurry, or something unfortunate may happen. In addition, the
               registration for the 6th UAA rank is complete. We look forward to
               hearing from you.
    [Travis pays the entrance fee and returns to his room. He gets a phone call 
    from Sylvia.]
    Sylvia: Travis?
    Travis: Let me guess... You're out shopping?
    Sylvia: Wrong! I'm on vacation. Fiesta, baby!
    Travis: Shopping... Now a vacation...
    Sylvia: Ibiza's amazing! Almost as amazing as me. A hard-working girl never
            forgets the office, even on vacation.
    Travis: Hey, I don't wanna interrupt your fiesta. Who's next?
    Sylvia: Hey, gimme a second. Don't go anywhere, sweet thing.
    [Sylvia checks her pockets.]
    Sylvia: What? Huh?
    Travis: Yo, what's the problem? Something wrong? Hello?
    Sylvia: I'm getting a bad connection... Hello? Can you hear me? Hello.
    [The call ends.]
    Travis: Great.
    [Sylvia is seen cutting off the line on purpose. She continues dancing.]
    Sylvia: Shake it baby! Oh yeah!
    RANK 5 LETZ SHAKE                                                         [R05]
    [Travis fights through the stage.]
    [Travis' cell phone is ringing.]
    Sylvia: Travis, hello? Continue forward and you will enter your next ranked
            match. The fifth rank awaits you if you win. And only eternal damnation
            awaits if you lose. How are you feeling? No irritable rashes? Hit the
            john lately? Taken care of those blackheads on your nose? Might I
            recommend a good hygiene set? When you're ready, step inside. Now don't
            tense up too much on this one. You've been slacking off a bit. You must
            maintain a steady tempo. Oui? You know what I mean, right? I'm sorry to
            say this, but I'm 1800% positive that you will die here. But trust your
            Force... And head for the Garden of Madness.
    [Letz Shake's introduction scene.]
    Letz Shake: At last... Doctor, it's time. Wake up!
    [There is a huge machine next to Letz Shake. The machine is named Dr. Shake.]
    Letz Shake: Oh ya! I feel a good undulation. Your rumbling is excellent. I
                think I'm going to lose the bowel control.
    Travis: You the 5th ranked guy?
    Letz Shake: Ya! I have been waiting for you.
    Travis: You certainly sound like you're up for a fight.
    Letz Shake: I am ready whenever you are.
    Travis: All right, then. Here I come.
    [Letz Shake laughs and starts an attack sequence.]
    Letz Shake: Disaster Blaster, charging ignition.
    Dr. Shake: Ignition ready.
    Letz Shake: Activating main engine.
    Dr. Shake: Activating sub-engine.
    Letz Shake: Check.
    Dr. Shake: Cycle ratio 15%.
    Letz Shake: Cluster Generation active.
    Dr. Shake: Calculating coordinates.
    Letz Shake: Thermal protection on.
    Dr. Shake: Cycle ratio 25%.
    Letz Shake: Anti-Shock Balancer open.
    Dr. Shake: Calculation complete. Heat detection system normal. Target
               Acquisition 98%.
    Letz Shake: Main panel open.
    Dr. Shake: Cycle ratio 55%.
    Letz Shake: Activate CELL Pistons.
    Dr. Shake: Maximize output.
    Letz Shake: Ignite Vanishing Sparks.
    Dr. Shake: Cycle ratio 80%.
    Letz Shake: Activate Trinity Pistons.
    Dr. Shake: Pistons at peak power.
    Letz Shake: Scouting Scope open.
    [Travis is running towards them.]
    Dr. Shake: All systems go.
    Letz Shake: T minus 10 seconds.
    Dr. Shake: Cycle ratio 100%.
    Letz Shake: T minus 7 seconds.
    Dr. Shake: Cycle ratio 140%.
    Letz Shake: T minus 5 seconds.
    Dr. Shake: Maximum output. Critical point exceeded.
    Letz Shake: T minus 3... 2! 1!
    Dr. Shake: Fire!
    Letz Shake: Eat this!
    [A figure wielding a beam katana falls from the sky. He cuts Dr. Shake and Letz 
    Shake into two halves. A huge explosion occurs.]
    Henry: Travis Touchdown, is it not?
    Travis: Sonvabitch! Fuckin' snatcher. I had 'em!
    Henry: Dance with me, Travis.
    Travis: A katana. This is getting interesting. What do you go by?
    Henry: Henry.
    Travis: Henry?
    Henry: Your instincts serve you well. I am...
    Travis: I don't know who you are or what you want. Sir Henry. Where're your
            manners? That was my kill, you naughty boy.
    Henry: Shall we get this over with? And don't hate me if I play a tad dirty.
    Travis: Fine by me.
    Henry: After you.
    [They run toward each other, but their fight is interrupted by Sylvia who is 
    blowing a whistle.]
    Sylvia: Stop right there! The fight is over. Travis, you are now ranked 5th.
    Travis: But we haven't even... We're just getting started.
    Sylvia: Perhaps you've forgotten. These fights are an official game. If your
            opponent dies for whatever reason... according to the rules of conduct,
            it is your win.
    Travis: That's fucked up. That's the stupidest rule I've ever heard! This guy's
            mine and you just want me to let him go?! Bitch!
    [Sylvia blows the whistle again.]
    Sylvia: Rules are rules. You can't have what you can't have.
    Travis: Whatever... But this dude says he wants to fight, and ain't nobody
            gonna stop him. This ass clown right here...
    Sylvia: Who?
    Travis: Hey! He's gone! Mr. Sir Henry Mother-fucker, he just jetted. What a
    Sylvia: Sorry. Save that aggression for your next match.
    Travis: Who the hell was that guy?
    PRE-FIGHT: RANK 4                                                         [P04]
    [Travis checks his telephone for new messages.]
    Diane: Hi, this is Diane from Beef Head Videos. We're calling to let you know
           you are overdue on returning one of our videos... It's titled: "Air
           Force One. The First Lady Returns to the Mile High Club".
    UAA Agent: Mr. Touchdown. Your UAA registration is complete. As of today... You
               are officially the 5th ranked assassin in the United States. Nice
               work. You are on the fast track to the top. Keep it up and good
    [Travis pays the entrance fee and returns to his room. He gets a phone call 
    from Sylvia. She is getting an oil rub.]
    Sylvia: Travis? The next rank is 4th.
    Travis: Who is it? But come to think of it... It doesn't really matter does it?
    Sylvia: I am sending you a ticket for a show. Look nice. Let's go together.
            Number Four will be there.
    Travis: A show? Wait. This is a date, right?
    Sylvia: Something like that. Why else would I be getting an oil rub?
    Travis: Wha-wha-what? What did you say? Someone's rubbing you down?
    Sylvia: I'll see you later.
    [Travis receives a snail mail from Sylvia.]
    Dear Travis,
    You know
    what that is?
    It's a platinum
    Reserved seating.
    Go and give the
    performance of
    your life.
    You can do
    this! (two hearts are drawn here)
    RANK 4 HARVEY MOISEIWITSCH VOLODARSKII                                    [R04]
    [Travis fights through the stage.]
    [Travis' cell phone is ringing.]
    Sylvia: Come on! You can do this! You're almost to the next ranked fight!
            Winners proceed to the 4th rank. Losers will also proceed... To the
            eighth circle of hell. But you and I, Travis... We are going to
            paradise together. Take me by the hand and show me a world of drama and
            passion! One that I've never known before. But be sure to hit the
            bathroom first. As soon as you're ready, come for me. Don't leave me
            waiting. Today, little Sylvia has done herself up quite well, I must
            say. My skin is so silky and smooth... This "Charisma Make-up Artist"
            from Japan gave me, like... the most incredible color gradation ever. I
            really hate how she says, "DONDAKE~ DONDAKE~" ... Like some stupid
            bimbo! And will you look at that? Today, you are going to win with
            2000% certainty! One hot night together, you and me... Coming right up.
            A promise is a promise. Trust your Force, Travis... And head for the
            Garden of Madness...
    [Harvey Moiseiwitsch Volodarkskii's introduction scene. Sylvia is waiting for 
    Travis outside a building.]
    Sylvia: You're late, handsome. Hurry! The show's about to start.
    Travis: What's with all the excitement?
    Sylvia: It is not every day you get to watch a big fight from VIP seats. Of
            course I am excited. But I am most excited being with you.
    Travis: Whoa, you're serious. I wouldn't do that if I were you. Oh shit. Ohh
            shit. I'm packing heat, baby.
    Sylvia: Wow.
    [Travis and Sylvia enter the building.]
    Harvey: Ladies and gentlemen, and all killers out there! Welcome to Harvey
            Volodarskii's Magic Freak Show of the Century! It'll be a killer night!
            So let's get started! It's show time!
    [Harvey throws two knives to his two assistants.]
    Sylvia: Oh my!
    [The two assistants appear uninjured.]
    Harvey: Quiet, quiet please. What do you know? It's already time for the last
            program. But you know today is a special day. And you, ladies and
            gentlemen, are lucky. So lucky that you might even get lucky. Now! One
            of you lucky people will be chosen to be up here with me. Who's it
            gonna be? The lucky person is... You!
    [A spotlight appears above Travis' head.]
    Sylvia: Wow, Travis! This is your lucky night.
    Travis: Me? They want me? Serious? You gotta be kidding?!
    Sylvia: Go get 'em, tiger!
    Harvey: Come on! No need to be shy. Congratulations, you nasty little boy. Tell
            the audience your name.
    Travis: Travis Touchdown. It's a good name, don'tcha think?
    Harvey: It's a fine name indeed. You have your parents to thank for that.
    Travis: My parents are dead.
    Harvey: Oops! Touchy subject! A question that should not be touched upon.
    Travis: That's OK. Really, it is.
    Harvey: There there, don't let it bother you. Hold on to your hopes and don't
            give up, my nasty little boy.
    [Travis is cuffed to an X-shaped object.]
    Travis: Thanks. I'll remember that.
    Harvey: So you came to enjoy the show?
    Travis: Damn right I did. I was really lookin' forward to this. It's the last
            show, right?
    Harvey: Last show? Did I hear you right?
    Travis: Oh you heard me right. Harvey, you gonna die tonight. Right here, by my
            hand. Let's close the curtains.
    Harvey: I hope you aren't being serious. That would be a pity. We still have
            the main event to unveil.
    Travis: Play time is over.
    Harvey: Ladies and gentlemen... It's showtime!
    [A buzz saw goes down towards Travis as blood spurts out.]
    Harvey: On to the grand finale. Now this is entertainment!
    [Travis re-emerges, screaming in delight.]
    Travis & Harvey: It's killing time!!!
    [The fight begins and ends. Travis throws his beam katana towards Harvey's 
    Harvey: It's dark! Somebody turn on the lights! I can't see shit! Oh! How am I
            supposed to perform in total darkness? Hit the lights! Hurry up! I
            can't see. It's dark! I'm surrounded by darkness!
    [Harvey is cuffed to the same X-shaped object as the buzz saw goes down and 
    kills him as the curtains close. Sylvia appears on the stage with Travis.]
    Travis: The name is Travis Touchdown. Thank you all for coming tonight! I hope
            you enjoyed the show.
    Sylvia: I would also like to thank you for coming this evening. As a result,
            Travis Touchdown is now ranked 4th place.
    Travis: And the show will go on! I hope to see you all again soon!
    Travis & Sylvia: And have a good night!
    [The curtains close as the two of them kiss.]
    PRE-FIGHT: RANK 3                                                         [P03]
    [Travis checks his telephone for new messages.]
    Diane: Hi, this is Diane from Beef Head Videos. We're calling to let you know
           that the video you returned was a copy of one of our video titles, um...
           "The Best of Raunchy Amateur Interviews 2". You didn't seem to copy the
           whole tape though -- It ended two minutes into the middle of the first
           "interview". Anyway, please be sure to return the original tape you
           borrowed. Thank you.
    UAA Agent: Good morning, Mr. Touchdown. Are you on the throne again? Please,
               wire us the money. Now.
    [Travis pays the entrance fee and returns to his room. He gets a phone call 
    from Sylvia. She is doing some yoga exercises.]
    Sylvia: Travis? Well, this is the Big Three.
    Travis: Where are you now?
    Sylvia: Yoga class.
    Travis: Right. You go ahead and do that.
    Sylvia: Thanks. Your next opponent is a witch. She lives in this abandoned
            place called Speed City.
    Travis: A witch?
    Sylvia: Travis... Don't die, OK?
    [Snail mail from Sylvia.]
    Dear Travis.
    Here's a highway
    bus ticket.
    You know where
    the bus terminal
    is, right?
    Take the bus to
    meet the witch!
    She's got powerful
    magic, but you
    can kill her.
    Just come back
    [Jeane (the cat) follows Travis out of the door as he exits his room.]
    RANK 3 SPEED BUSTER                                                       [R03]
    [Travis fights through the stage.]
    [Travis' cell phone is ringing.]
    Sylvia: Travis hello? Next up is a ranked match. Win, and rank three is yours.
            Lose, and you're sitting on the devil's lap. Did you have any sweet
            dreams? If you didn't dream about me, I'll fucking kill you I swear! If
            I ever hear you say another woman's name in your sleep... You'll wake
            up the next morning with your joystick missing. Got it?! Anyway, make
            sure you go to the bathroom first. And when you are ready, step inside.
            Now Travis, don't be getting any funny ideas. Things between you and I
            have not changed one bit. You are still a loser. Nothing can change
            that. Honestly? Where do you think you're heading? There are legions of
            more powerful opponents out there. Never forget that. Keep your feet on
            the ground... Your head out of the clouds, and a stiff upper lip. I am
            3,602,600,218% certain you will die. But trust your Force... And head
            for the Garden of Madness.
    [Travis arrives at Speed City and spots Jeane (the cat). He follows her. 
    Thunder Ryu is holding off a powerful beam of light.]
    Travis: Master!
    Thunder Ryu: Stay back! This one's mine, so back off!
    [Thunder Ryu spots Jeane (the cat).]
    Thunder Ryu: A cat? You frightened me for a second, kitty.
    Travis: Master!
    [The beam returns and Thunder Ryu is caught off-guard.]
    Thunder Ryu: How could I have been so...
    Travis: I'm coming master!
    Thunder Ryu: Do not interfere! This is a duel! Don't do anything stupid.
    Travis: But!
    Thunder Ryu: I have nothing left to teach you. Aim for the top. Remember...
                 Master your katana, and the power will be yours.
    [The beam gets stronger and Thunder Ryu is killed.]
    Travis: Master!
    [Travis screams in agony.]
    Speed Buster: Why are all men so freakin' ignorant? They never learn, no matter
                  how old they get. They never learn.
    Travis: You are the 3rd ranked assassin, bitch?
    [They talk as Speed Buster's weapon transforms.]
    Speed Buster: You were saying, Sonny?
    Travis: I asked if you were ranked 3rd.
    Speed Buster: What? What did you say?
    Travis: I said, are you the 3rd ranked assassin, granny?
    Speed Buster: What? Say that again? See, I'm kinda hard of hearing. I can't
                  hear much these days.
    Travis: Are you ranked 3rd?!
    Speed Buster: This time I heard you. Yeah, I am. OK... There. It's complete.
                  That's right! Don't you see? Idiots! All men are. Why should I
                  even bother killing you? Even if you had nine lives it wouldn't
                  be enough. I just love losers who don't care for their own lives!
    [The fight begins and ends. Travis cuts a pole down which causes the adjacent 
    poles to fall down like dominoes on Speed Buster's weapon. Travis runs towards 
    the weapon and destroys it.]
    Speed Buster: Pretty good, boy.
    Travis: Damn right. I'm an apprentice of the Master.
    Speed Buster: Thunder Ryu... He was a good man, and I hope one day you'll be as
                  good as he was.
    Travis: Count on it.
    Speed Buster: A little present for you.
    [Speed Buster gives Travis a kiss.]
    Speed Buster: Farewell...
    Travis: ...And goodnight.
    [Travis cuts Speed Buster's head off.]
    [Sylvia is waiting with Talbot and Webber.]
    Sylvia: Congratulations. You are officially ranked 3rd.
    Travis: Only two more to go.
    Sylvia: It is really cool how they all die.
    PRE-FIGHT: RANK 2                                                         [P02]
    [Travis checks his telephone for new messages.]
    Diane: Hi, this is Diane from Beef Head Videos. This is just a reminder for you
           to return one of our videos. It's titled... "69 Techniques: To Improve
           your Love Making". It's overdue by two weeks. Be sure to return it to us
    UAA Agent: You know the drill. Go get 'em.
    [Travis pays the entrance fee and returns to his room.]
    [A pigeon bursts through the window. It is carrying a letter.]
    Travis: What the f- A letter? What do we got here? "Don't come looking for me.
            Sylvia Christel." Some trouble at home? She quit her job? What the hell
            is this all about? "The Rank Two match will be at Destroy Stadium."
            "Aren't I a hard working girl?" Not the baseball stadium again... OK,
            Sylvia. Only two more to go. I'm going all the way. That's a promise.
    RANK 2 BAD GIRL                                                           [R02]
    [Travis fights through the stage.]
    [Travis' cell phone is ringing.]
    Sylvia: Next up is a ranking match. Win, and you will be 2nd in rank. Lose and
            you go to hell. Before you fight, please use the restroom. When you are
            ready, head inside. Good luck, Travis. Trust your Force. Head for the
            Garden of Madness.
    [Bad Girl's introduction scene.]
    Bad Girl: Home run!
    [Bad Girl whacks multiple guys wearing S8M suits as they go down a conveyor 
    Travis: This is insane.
    Bad Girl: Phew... What a day! I need a drink. So fuckin' thirsty... Hold on a
    [Bad Girl opens a can of beer from her refrigerator, Chiller7.]
    Bad Girl: Damn that's smooth! I feel alive again. Wanna drink?
    Travis: I'll pass.
    Bad Girl: Pop quiz. Why am I such an angry bitch? Seriously, no matter how many
              I kill... It's all the same. They're all going to pay. Yeah... With
              their fucking lives.
    Travis: You're a bad girl...
    Bad Girl: You have no right to look at me like that. It's just a job. The daily
    Travis: You're no assassin. You're just a perverted killing maniac.
    Bad Girl: In essence, they're the same. Don't go on thinking you're better than
              me. You think you're hot shit! Who the fuck do you think you are?
              Come on!
    [The fight begins and ends. Travis stabs Bad Girl through the stomach from the 
    Travis: Naughty girls need spankings.
    Bad Girl: Maybe you forgot. I'm a bad girl.
    [Bad Girl knocks Travis down with her bat and continues whacking him with the 
    beam katana still inside her body.]
    Bad Girl: I won't lose... I will never lose...
    Travis: I give up. You win.
    Bad Girl: Yes! I've won!
    [Bad Girl dies, lying on Travis.]
    [Talbot and Webber are waiting.]
    Webber: On behalf of Sylvia Christel... I am here to tell you that
            you are now officially ranked 2nd.
    Travis: Thanks. That was a close one. Almost didn't make it.
    Webber: It was a fine fight, sir.
    Travis: Shit, that was close.
    PRE-FIGHT: RANK 1                                                         [P01]
    [Travis checks his telephone for new messages.]
    Diane: Hi. We are sorry to inform you that your video membership will be
           revoked until you return one of our videos. It's titled "French Maid
           Cafe: Spilled Coffee". Please return it soon.
    UAA Agent: Good morning, Mr. Touchdown. I wish you a pleasant journey.
    [Travis pays the entrance fee and returns to his room.]
    [Travis picks up the phone.]
    Travis: Why didn't I call this number in the first place? Hello?
    Mrs. Christel: Hello. May I ask who's calling?
    Travis: This is the Assassins Association, right? Look. I gotta talk to you
    Mrs. Christel: Oh dear... She's done it again, hasn't she?
    Travis: Hey! Are you listening?
    Mrs. Christel: Excuse me for asking, but are you by chance an assassin?
    Travis: Don't tell the whole world.
    Mrs. Christel: Then you have been had, sir. You are not her first.
    Travis: What? Run that by me again?
    Mrs. Christel: Listen to me. Do not get involved, whatever you do.
    Travis: Listen lady. I don't know what the hell you're talking about. Who are
            you, anyway?
    Mrs. Christel: Another sorry kid... And for the record, I am Sylvia's mother.
    Travis: Mother?
    Mrs. Christel: Yes, you heard me. And there's no such thing as an
                   association... Or whatever you think exists.
    Travis: You're joking right? Do you know how many people I've killed?
    Mrs. Christel: She is a professional con artist.
    Travis: You mean a fraud? Are you telling me this was all just bullshit?
    Mrs. Christel: She set everything up. Would you mind telling me how far this
                   all went?
    Travis: I'm now 2nd in rank.
    Mrs. Christel: So just one more to go... Alrighty. Why not play along since
                   you've come this far?
    Travis: Are you serious? What's the point? This is all some make-believe
    Mrs. Christel: But a good man finishes what he started. Fight to the end! Your
                   most formidable opponent awaits in the castle. Now, off to the
                   Garden of Madness!
    RANK 1 DARK STAR                                                          [R01]
    [Travis leaves his room and finds a man draped in black riding away on the 
    [Travis fights through the stage.]
    [Travis picks up Thunder Ryu's letter from the ground.]
    Path of men is not path of beasts.
    You know?
    You know?
    Your edge can be
    poison or cure.
    To be learned is
    the path,
    and to be ignorant is
    also the path.
    Your path, your path is
    A path that no one,
    nothing can pass.
    Yet the path reach on.
    Devotion is only given
    to those who perfect
    single thing.
    Reward, then!
    No reward those who
    do not perfect.
    Does a reward or just
    evil lie down
    your path?
    Fight until you die,
    Thunder Ryu
    [Travis' cell phone is ringing.]
    Sylvia: Travis, can you hear me? It's Sylvia. I never thought you'd make it
            this far. But I am sorry... I cannot see you anymore. I want to fly to
            your side, right now. I want to be in your arms. I want to be with you.
            I want to share my life with you... No matter the cost. Meeting you...
            I've felt truly alive for the first time. I mean that. But feelings and
            reality are two different things. Life is not that simple, yes? Now be
            honest. Did you really think I would let you do me if you hit number
            one? You really are an idiot, aren't you, Travis? Come back to reality!
            I mean, look at yourself! You are a dopy, otaku assassin. The bottom of
            the barrel. No woman would be caught dead with you... Unless she was a
            desperate bitch! Where in the world could you find a woman who could
            fall in love with someone like you? Well... One is right here. It was
            fun, Travis. I love you. Now... Don't forget to use the restroom. Trust
            your Force... And head for the Garden of Madness!
    [Dark Star's introduction scene.]
    Dark Star: Welcome to my castle. I heartily receive you, my son.
    Travis: All right. Enough with the jokes.
    Dark Star: A joke? You don't remember me, Travis? I am your true father. Blood
               does not make such mistakes.
    [Dark Star pulls his beam katana out.]
    Travis: Geez. You are full of it aren't you?
    [Dark Star shows off his mighty beam katana.]
    Travis: It's a good story. I'll give you that much.
    Dark Star: We'll see if this is just another story.
    Travis: Even if you were my father, it doesn't matter. The only thing that
            matters here is who's best.
    Dark Star: Remember, son. Engraved into your memory is the night when
               everything changed. I fell to my feet right before my son's eyes.
    [Dark Star pulls up his iron mask.]
    Dark Star: Do you not remember this?
    Travis: In my deepest memories... I hear someone... calling...
    [Flashback of Travis' past.]
    Travis: I remember... It was a hot summer day. There was someone standing
            behind my father and mother. That person killed my parents. The face...
            I can't make it out. Who are you?
    Dark Star: Remember.
    Travis: Who are you?
    Dark Star: Try harder!
    Travis: I think I can see it... Almost...
    Dark Star: Do you recognize the face?
    Travis: Now I remember. Everything.
    [Present time.]
    Dark Star: Well done, son. She was the girl you loved.
    [Dark Star is attacked from behind by Jeane and falls down.]
    Jeane: You're still as gullible as ever, Travis. Think. Why would he be your
    Travis: I guess you're right. I don't have a father, at least not anymore. You
            killed him, didn't you?
    Jeane: Yes. And that's why you became an assassin to kill me.
    Travis: Now I get it. All those fights... It was for this!
    [Flashback to Travis moping in the Death-Match bar with Sylvia.]
    Travis: I lost everything that I ever cared about. That bitch took everything.
    Sylvia: I can help you to get even.
    [Present time.]
    Travis: She's a good con artist, that's for sure. She set up some killer
    Jeane: So you and I finally meet. You should thank Sylvia.
    Travis: Jeane... There's just one thing I wanna ask you. Who are you?
    Jeane: Me? You don't need to know. All of your trivial questions will be
           answered in the afterlife.
    Travis: Answer me!
    Jeane: It's impossible.
    Travis: Impossible? What do you mean?
    Jeane: It's too terrible. It alone would jack up the age rating of this game
           even further.
    Travis: So what? Who cares?
    Jeane: What if the game gets delayed? You don't want this to become "NO MORE
           HEROES FOREVER", do you?
    Travis: All right. I'll fast forward this so you can tell me.
    Jeane: OK. I'll make it short and quick.
    [Fast forward segment begins.]
    Jeane: You are my half-brother. You know that manga called "Miyuki"? The
           Japanese one? Well, it's like that. Your father abandoned my mother to
           run off with your mother. It broke her heart beyond repair. She killed
           herself. Knowing I had nowhere to go, he took advantage of me. Ever
           since I can remember, he molested me. We lived in this rotten apartment
           and I was his slave. Every day, I cursed his soul. I swore that I would
           kill him one day. But cursing didn't change anything. That's when I
           decided to become a killer. With no money to pay for training, I paid
           with my body. But to you? I bet that son of a bitch looked like a
           hard-working family man. That was an all act. He didn't give two shits
           about cleaning up my life. So I decided to clean it up myself. That's
           why I do what I do. And I got what I wanted. Killing him in front of
           your very eyes...
    [Fast forward segment ends.]
    Jeane: That's my story.
    Travis: Imagine that... You and I, brother and sister.
    Jeane: Now you see what I've been through?
    Travis: Maybe it had to be done... But vengeance begets vengeance.
    Jeane: You're right. Go ahead. Draw, brother.
    Travis: All of your sorrows end today, Jeane!
    [The fight begins and ends. Jeane punches through Travis' chest. Shinobu jumps 
    down from the sky and cuts off her right arm.]
    Shinobu: Do it!
    Travis: Right...
    Jeane: Brother, please don't kill me!
    Travis: Sorry, Jeane. This hurts me, too.
    Jeane: We're both in the same business, after all. And I've had enough.
    Travis: Time for you to rest, Jeane.
    Jeane: Good night, Travis.
    Travis: I hope your next dream is a more pleasant one.
    [Travis cuts Jeane into three pieces.]
    Travis: It's over. This is where it all ends. Right, Sylvia?
    [Sylvia appears from the corner.]
    ENDING/REAL ENDING                                                        [REN]
    [Ending begins.]
    [Travis is taking a dump in the toilet of his motel room.]
    Travis: It's finally over.
    [Ermen Palmer cuts the door down with his beam katana.]
    Travis: Can't a guy get some privacy? At least when he's taking a dump!
    Ermen Palmer: I'm afraid not. These fights don't work like that. It's time to
                  die, Mr. First Rank.
    Travis: You gotta be shittin' me.
    [Ending ends here. Real ending starts.]
    [Henry cuts Ermer Palmer horizontally in half.]
    Henry: Will you hurry up with that? I'll be outside.
    Travis: That was close. Thanks.
    Henry: What an idiot... You're a disgrace to yourself and all those you've
    [The fight begins and ends outside the motel. They clash their beam katanas.]
    Travis: Damn it!
    Henry: That all you got, Travis? Don't make me laugh.
    Travis: Mind if I ask you something?
    Henry: Sure.
    Travis: Why the hell do you call me Travis? Travis... Like you're my friend or
            something. Who the fuck do you think you are?
    Henry: You can't be serious. All this time, and you didn't realize?
    Travis: What are you talking about?
    Henry: I'm your twin brother.
    Travis: What the hell? That's the craziest shit I've ever heard. Why would you
            bring up something like that at the very last minute of the game?
    Henry: I would have thought you and the player would have at least expected a
           twist of fate of some kind.
    Travis: Whaaat? And hey, where's Sylvia anyway?! She disappeared without a
            trace. Where the hell is she?
    Henry: Sylvia? You mean my wife?
    Travis: Wha? Wife?
    Henry: Yes, you know. Spouse, soul mate. Henry's wife. Get the idea?
    Travis: When did you two get married?
    Henry: About ten years ago. Yes, that's right. Cause we were both in college at
           the time.
    [They break off from the clash.]
    Travis: Oh shit! All news to me. I'm gonna need shock treatment to get over
            this one.
    Henry: I'm sorry for all the trouble my wife has caused you. Forgive her.
    Travis: She caused me some trouble all right. But it helped me clear up a lot
            of things.
    Henry: Eh, y'know how women are. Especially my wife... A really big spender.
           Yeah. She knew my income wasn't enough so every now and then she'd just
    Travis: She's a bad wife... But a good woman.
    Henry: What? Are you telling me that you and her...?
    Travis: Oh, come on!
    [They clash beam katanas again.]
    Henry: But Travis, my brother... We are similar in many ways.
    Travis: You're right. Suddenly you being my brother doesn't sound so awkward.
    Henry: Let me ask you.
    [They run out of the motel with their beam katanas still clashing.]
    Henry: How do you plan to put an end to all of this?
    Travis: Wait a sec. You want me to tie up all these loose ends? I don't think
    Henry: You're the protagonist. I'm just a cool, handsome foil who happens to be
           your twin brother. Hate to say it, but it's your job.
    Travis: I want to bail, but where the hell's the exit? There's no way out, is
            there? No getting out... Right, bro?
    Henry: That's right. All we can do is keep running.
    Travis: Then let's find that exit they call Paradise.
    [They break off from their clash and stand off facing each other.]
    Travis & Henry: Let's go!
    [They clash again and the credits roll as the last frame is frozen in a paint-
    like look. A little girl is looking at the painting of the two of them as 
    Sylvia talks to her.]
    Sylvia: You like this painting, don't you? Let's go, Jeane.
    [Screen fades to black and Sylvia appears again.]
    Sylvia: I know. Too bad there won't be a sequel.
    [She giggles and pulls down a scroll that reads "FIN." The Grasshopper 
    Manufacture, Marvelous Entertainment and Ubisoft logos appear, followed by a 
    "TO BE CONTINUED" in a Back to the Future-esque style.]
    CREDITS                                                                   [CDT]
    Wanderglass: Myself, for typing this.
    GlassGiant.com: I use their services for making the ASCII art above.
    Bruce Lord - For providing a transcript of the snail mail during the pre-fight
                 of Rank 7.
    VERSION HISTORY                                                           [VSN]
    0.95 - First update.
    1.00 - Transcript of the snail mail received during the pre-fight of Rank 7
           completed. Talbot's name has been changed to Webber in the Rank 2
           script, due to the mention of Webber's name during the credits.
           Neoseeker and Super Cheats are allowed to publish this script on
           their site.
    1.01 - A change of username and email address plus a few fixes on grammatical
    DISCLAIMER NOTICE                                                         [DNT]
    This game script is only allowed to be published on GameFAQs, Neoseeker and
    Super Cheats. Any other website that wishes to host this website needs to ask
    for my permisson first at wanderglass(at)gmail(dot)com.
    This may not be reproduced under any circumstances except for personal,
    private use. It may not be placed on any web site or otherwise distributed
    publicly without advanced written permission. The use of this document on any
    other site or as a part of any public display is strictly prohibited, and a
    violation of copyright.
    NO MORE HEROES (c) Grasshopper Manufacture.
    All trademarks and copyrights contained in this document are owned by their
    respective trademark and copyright holders.

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