Review by BimmyandJimmy

Reviewed: 12/07/10 | Updated: 03/25/14

Not the Goldeneye I know and love. Far from it.

Hell ya, 10,000 views for this one review alone, that's what I'm talking about!

But first, a very special fan message sent to me, BimmyandJimmy:

BIMMY AND JIMMY: GoldenEye 007 (WII) Review Vote: No. Date Comment: 2013-11-13 00:26:18
You suck!

Thanks shmuck!

Why did I play this game? Even when the game was announced, I remember saying to myself "don't by into the hype, it's not going to be as good as the original,". Please keep in mind, I actually was positive going into it. I tried to enjoy it for what it was, both a remake and a tribute to my favorite game OF ALL TIME. How badly could they screw it up?

This game also marks the first time in YEARS that I have ever rented a NEW game. I'm dead serious, and it goes to show how distant new video games are to me nowadays ever since the business became more fascinated with money, rather than developing creative, original and just plain kick ass games.

Like many of you, I found out about this game from the E3 convention this year when they showed a promotion video for this game on Youtube. You know, the one were they gathered a bunch of Goldeneye “fans” inside a conference room and gushed about how great the game was, only to wet their pants in excitement when they found out that Activision would be creating a NEW Goldeneye game. Great, at first, it looked like we were FINALLY getting the new remake of Goldeneye we always wanted, and, who knows, they might even add to the game's overall greatness.

Gee, isn't that what EA promised us back in 2004 when they released that god awful Rouge Agent game?

Worse of all, this game is on the WII, the last console you would EVER expect a First Person Shooter game to ever be on. Really, go ahead, name one great, or even good FPS game on the Wii. It isn’t possible since the controllers themselves aren't FPS ALL.

Like I said, some remake this game was. It’s just insulting how little this game has with the original. It seems like this Goldeneye was trying to model itself after the 1995 movie, and even that's pretty scarce. Sure, at the beginning, they tried to replicate a few of the scenes found in the original game such as the first part of the Dam level or shooting the guy in the Facility in the air duck. Either than that, the level design in this game is confusing and insulting. In the original game, to ensure a fun and challenging game, each level was design to promote the use of stealth, as well as to showcase as many items and CPU characters that Rare created. In other words, perfect in every way imaginable.

This game, on the other hand, decided to break that perfection and implemented a boring point A to point B level design. Don't get me wrong, when done right, the point A to point B, kill everyone in a gigantic area, run and gun style of First Person Shooting, or gaming in general, can be great, as shown in games like the Doom series, where blood and dismemberment were the key factor in creating a great atmosphere. Without it, it feels unsatisfying, uninteresting and sleep inducing, especially in this game where each level felt completely empty. For most of the game, all I did was shoot mindless and uninteresting enemies. There was hardly any fast intense action or objectives to complete. Worse, there was hardly any interesting detail or humor to be found anywhere, which was ramped in the first game. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Everything just felt concrete and hardly a joy to experience.

The enemies are pathetic and nonsensical. To compare, the programmers who coded the original game had guards who would patrol the level or stand in one spot and keep an eye out on the hallways, kind of like a deadly game of cat and mouse. This game, however, cheapens out and has enemies spawn out no were and run in to a new room that you haven't explored. Great idea, isn't it?


It's not fair that enemies can just come out of nowhere and ambush you without reacting fast enough to kill them in time before you loose an ass-load of health. Don't panic though, because the game designers give you some mercy by allowing you to fill your life bar just as long as you don't get hit for a period of time, you know, that same tiresome old feature just about every other FPS game made to date seems to have. By the way, if you can't tell from my tone, this is absolute bulls***. You know you've got a poorly developed game when the only way you can survive is by having your life refill for you. It's garbage like this that makes FPS games these days the mind numbingly dull and easy to beat crap it is today, and me begging the question why a lot of people prefer FPS games these days over the ones made in the 90s.

Artistically, there isn't much that can be said. Everything is pretty much the same shade of color through the whole game, making for a rather boring, and in some way, nauseating color pallet. By the way, before you start labeling me, NO, I'm not one to bash on the Wii's technical limitations, because there are games on this console that actually look wonderful.

I will say this, I bet the game would have been far more colorful if it wasn't for the lighting. Most of the levels have the same inky black dark as hell lighting which blankets the level 90% of the time. Thanks in part of this nonexistent lighting, I could barely figure out what I was suppose to do or which way I was suppose to go, especially when it came to fighting against a massive enemy unit in a gigantic cluttered room. I can't count how many times I spent just blindly shooting everywhere without hitting anyone, while they, on the other hand, could take easy pop shots on me without error. To reference an old saying that I've used before: THIS IS LAZY PROGRAMING.

Musically, there's absolutely no chance that this game's soundtrack will ever be as good as any of the songs created by Graeme Norgate and Grant Kirkhope. None of these emotionless orchestrated scores added any atmosphere or any feeling of danger at all. Instead, it seemed to drone on in the background and drained my energy. Compared to the original, each song, while every baseline was pretty much the same, added something to the overall experience. You might as well lower the music in this game to zero, burn some Toxic Holocaust on your I-phone or whatever, and go from there. At least then, it might actually have a chance at that point.

Either way, after playing the game all the way through, I doubt you'll ever want to touch the single player again.

As for the Multiplayer, seeing as how I couldn't find anyone to play with (ya, so go ahead and make fun of my social life, I don't care), I guess I can’t really complain about this, nor can I give any credit…BUT I know I disappointed SOME users that I didn’t include a full multiplayer section in this so called “awful” review, so I’ll try to elaborate a bit more. Upon further research, the game does have a traditional four player split screen mode and an online mode, complete with an assortment of scenarios and characters. Typical stuff here, so it really doesn’t improve much. Even still, if you don’t have anyone to play with, don't you think they should of at least gave us some bots to play with? Every single James Bond game from 2000 onward has this feature, so why not this one?

This concludes with me asking one question. When, oh when, are they ever going to release Goldeneye on the X-box live arcade as a true remake? I've seen both the screen shots and the leaked videos on Youtube and it looks a whole lot better than this game will ever dream of, so what's taking so long to make it? If you're new to the whole Goldeneye experience, please play the original over this game; you’ll be happy you did.

Rating:   1.5 - Bad

Product Release: GoldenEye 007 (US, 11/02/10)

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