Review by Belfento

Reviewed: 08/21/06

Wow, what a fabulous game. Now, I will vomit.

This is, without a doubt, the WORST shooting game, EVER. It is glitch, the controls are unresponsive, and the graphics, my god, they are horrible. A game like this makes Pong seem like Top Spin, Wolfenstein 3D like Perfect Dark Zero, and Shaq Fu like Soul Calibur III. To put it simply, play this game, because you will laugh you *** off for hours. Invite a few friends, and have yourself a party.

Let’s start with the graphics. These are the most premature, shoddy, and most blatantly effortless “graphics” I have ever seen. I can’t even make out Drake’s face; it looks like a block of grey, sitting atop a black stick. It tries to be a different kind of cel-shading, and it fails horribly.

Alright, so the graphics aren’t that great, but graphics aren’t everything. Well, let me tell you something, this game, not only fails in graphics, but in EVERY OTHER CATEGORY.

I want to introduce to you the revolutionary new reloading system with which Drake of the 99 Dragons has presented us. You know when you run out of bullets, your character usually ejects the clip from the gun, and then inserts a new clip? Well, that doesn’t happen here. Instead, when Drake runs out of ammo, he will THROW THE GUN ON THE GROUND, and grab a new one from his jacket pocket. Don’t worry; he has an unlimited amount of guns in his jacket, so conservation is not a concern. Now, when you want to switch from a pistol, with 7/17 bullets left, to a fully loaded SMG, Drake will throw the pistol on the ground, and get an SMG. You want to switch back to the pistol? Easy, just throw the SMG on the ground, and get a “new” pistol, which magically has only 7 bullets.

Okay, so that’s a little unrealistic, but no matter, I can live with that. Oh, well try this. The aiming system and the camera are BOTH CONTROLLED BY THE RIGHT THUMBSTICK. Let me explain to you how ridiculous that is. Imagine an enemy popping up in front of you. You are aiming to the right of him, so you use the left thumbstick to target the enemy. Unfortunately, you just rotated the camera, so you can no longer see the enemy. One of the game’s greatest challenges is to shoot an enemy while looking at him. There’s also an auto-aim system, which is extremely useless. First of all, Drake is terrible with dual guns. He will always miss (Burst-fire to avoid recoil? Hang on to that dream.), and you probably won’t know you have targeted an enemy, because they use a targeting icon that you CANNOT SEE.

The enemy AI is terrible and predictable, but since you cannot aim properly, they end up destroying you. Enemies will often get caught in objects, just running straight into them, and NEVER STOPPING. They are invincible while this happens, and this also happens to couriers, which you must follow in order to win. Imagine having to follow someone, and they randomly get stuck in nothing. Now, you must restart. Oh, joy!

The storyline. I don’t understand it. Oh, I guess that’s because I couldn’t beat the fourth level (guess why), and gave up. I’m sure the storyline would have sucked, anyway. And the voiceovers, my god, Drake sounds like an infomercial host. All of the voice actors put in 0% effort into this game, or, at least, that’s what I’ve noticed. The voice actors sound nothing like the characters they represent, and it just takes you right out of the paper-thin plot (maybe that’s a good thing).

Look, I KNOW you want to get this game (if you haven’t already), and I strongly recommend it. You will have a great time telling your friends how bad this game is. After all, that is why I bought it (for six bucks).

Rating:   0.5 - Unplayable

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