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    FAQ/Walkthrough by zukowskc

    Version: 2.0 | Updated: 11/30/09 | Search Guide | Bookmark Guide

    B A L L A D
    O F
    G A Y
    T O N Y
    BY: zukalous(at)gameintestine(dot)com
    You should follow me on twitter: Gameintestine
    Or on my website: www.gameintestine.com
    The Ballad of Gay is a landmark game. It marks the first time that the star
    of a video game is a Dominican. Well first time since "Sammy Sosa High Heat
    Baseball 2001." By the way - "its so reaaaal"
    Disclaimer for when I need to get security clearance or run for president:
    there are times in this game when you actually have to shoot a member of a
    fictional law enforcement agency. You must do it to advance the game.
    Therefore, since I am describing how to beat this game, I must write some
    variation of the phrase "kill the cops." I never, ever would condone that. I
    actually think that this game's plot (the story of a reformed convict who is
    putting his life back together by being a club bouncer) would be better
    serviced if the main character was sympathetic to the police. So please Fox
    News, when you publish this document on my inauguration night, don't clip out
    the phrase "kill all cops on the street" and say this is my master's thesis.
    I am really excited about this game. Besides the fact that this is a short
    GTA game, it just sounds fun to see the backrooms and back dealings of a
    Furthermore, what would a ballad about the trials and tribulations of a gay
    club owner sound like. Would it have a house-beat?
    So put on your best open-collar shirt, pour yourself a vodka cranberry and
    push the start button.......
         Tony Missions:
              I love LC ------------------------------------------------ (x01)
              Practice Swing ------------------------------------------- (x02)
              Chinese Takeout ------------------------------------------ (x04)
              Bang Bang ------------------------------------------------ (x08)
              Blog This (Part I) --------------------------------------- (x12)
              Boulevard Baby ------------------------------------------- (x13)
              Frosting on the Cake ------------------------------------- (x14)
              Blog This! (Part 2) -------------------------------------- (x15)
              Not so Fast ---------------------------------------------- (x16)
              Ladies Night --------------------------------------------- (x23)
              Ladies Half Price ---------------------------------------- (x24)
              Party's Over --------------------------------------------- (x25)
              Departure Time ------------------------------------------- (x26)
         Yousuf Missions:
              Sexy Time ------------------------------------------------ (x07)
              High Dive ------------------------------------------------ (x10)
              Caught With Your Pants Down ------------------------------ (x11)
              For the Man Who Has Everything --------------------------- (x22)
         Mori Missions:
              Kibbutz Number One --------------------------------------- (x03)
              This Ain't Checkers -------------------------------------- (x17)
              No. 3 ---------------------------------------------------- (x18)
         Mom Missions:
              Mamma's Boy ---------------------------------------------- (x05)
              Corner Kids ---------------------------------------------- (x06)
              Clocking Off --------------------------------------------- (x09)
         Bulgarin Missions:
              Going Deep ----------------------------------------------- (x19)
              Dropping in ---------------------------------------------- (x20)
              In the Cross Hairs --------------------------------------- (x21)
         | I love LC - Tony (x01)                      |
    We hear whispering. A man, who is lying chest down on a shinny floor, says
    that he is going to take down these men. "These men" appear to be in the
    middle of robbing a bank. Either that or they are hanging out in a ski lodge
    that is themed like a Bank of America. While the bank robbers take a moment
    to fight amongst themselves, the whispering man demonstrates why unfettered
    application of the 2ND Amendment won't reduce crime. He pulls out a hand gun
    and shoots one of the men and then the other masked bad guy just shots him.
    And he does it with a shotgun. The bomb the masked men planted goes off and
    then everyone screams and the scene transitions to the Grand Theft Auto Title
    Later the cops arrive to investigate what happened. After completely evading
    an investigator's questioning, the man who was laying on the ground and
    didn't pull out a gun walks away. He is Luis and he gets his grade-A,
    Saturday-night-live-esq strut on down a Liberty City boulevard. Along his
    walk we are treated to cameos by Niko Bellic in a passing car, Johnny Klebitz
    on a speeding motorcycle and Luis's mom on his cell-phone.  His strut ends
    when a woman in a white blouse passes him and he gawks so obviously that we
    can be sure that he is not the one nicknamed "Gay Tony."
    Luis buzzes in to an apartment and he is called upstairs. The place is a
    nice, pre-housing-market-meltdown style loft with exposed brick, track
    lighting and paintings of Chinese opera masks that look like they could be by
    Andy Warhol or Patrick Nagel. As Luis explores the space, a man in a white
    shirt greets him. Mr. White-shirt sets up his own exposition: he is a gay
    owner of two night-clubs. One club caters to the rich and the other to the
    gay. However, the club business is not good anymore.
    Luis, who is his body guard and business partner, unsuccessfully tries to
    console him. However, Tony's bitching is cut short by two Italian men who
    help themselves in. Because this is a GTA-game, we can assume that they are
    mobsters. At gunpoint they commandeer Tony's money because he is late on his
    shady loans.
    The scene resumes outside of Tony's apartment and he asks Luis to drive him
    to each of his clubs. They stop by the Hercules club and Gay Tony calls over
    the bouncer to ask him how the club is going. Not good. Tony says that the
    club business is going down and asks where his club-bailout money. That is a
    joke that is already old in real life but because it is made in a video game,
    it seems shockingly current.
    Luis and Tony stop at his other club, Maisonette 9. The club is themed like
    Beatlejuice with black and white stripes along all of the walls. There is a
    modest dance floor in the corner and some private booths along each wall.
    Tony releases Luis from his immediate bidding and tells him to work the club
    floor. For a high-end club bouncer, Luis sure does look like a high school
    quarterback who got to skip out of homeroom. Don't most clubs of this caliber
    ban sports wear?
    The bouncer is keeping a couple guys from entering the bar. Based on their
    generically Latin-American accent they must know Luis. The bouncer says their
    style of dress is the reason for their restriction. Tony prances by and says
    that they all look bad, including Tony - which is what I was just saying.
    Luis gets Tony's car and must take his pal back to their place of residence:
    Northwood. For a game named Grand Theft Auto there is an awful lot of car
    lending going on.
    As they drive, they banter about the bad economy and how Luis is not making
    much but since he came back from prison Tony has been taking an interest in
    him for some reason. After driving them back to their 'hood, drive back to
    Luis's apartment.
    Luis's apartment is a nice departure from the stained mattress and porno-mag
    coffee tables of typical GTA protagonists. Luis has a large book case filled
    with actual books, a picture of Luis or possibly a relative in a uniform.
    There is a platform bed, an Ikea lamp, lots of shoes, comic books. Looks like
    Tony had a hand in the decorating.
    Before leaving do a couple of things to advance the mission
    - Go to the bedroom and save your game
    - Head to the full-length wardrobe and change your clothing.
    - Sit at the TV and flip through them: The Internet is abuzz about Princess
    Bubblegum. Just don't watch it if your mom is in the room.
    Head back outside to receive the text message from Tony. He needs you so
    drive over to Tony's House or to the club indicated club. You can find both
    of them by opening the map screen and zooming into the map. Tony's location
    is marked with a "T". Click to set a way-point on the T and you will be given
    turn-by-turn directions there.
         | Practice Swing - Tony (x02)                 |
    Difficulty - 6*
    Enjoyment  - 6*
    Length - S
    When Luis shows up to his apartment, Tony is a nervous wreck. Tony sold his
    business to two separate people and they both think that they own the clubs.
    Very casually Luis says that he will kill them if they actually think they
    actually own the clubs.
    Drive Tony to the mistaken club owner: Rocco. Rock - as they call him - is at
    the river-side driving range and when they approach he is teeing up. He
    quickly slurs both of them in a barrage of derogatory terms. Luis offers that
    Rocco's club investment is not a good idea. He totally ignores the offer and
    instead says that he needs help beating up a union guy who is tied to the
    front of a golf cart. Surprising that Luis agrees to this. Wasn't it just 5
    minutes ago that Luis said he would kill this guy and put him in the VIP room
    at the bottom of the West River?
    You must hit the union guy 3 separate times. Here is how to aim and strike
    the Teamster:
    - Aim using the control stick. Line the target up right on the guy.
    - Hit the A button and to start the white line. Wait for the white line
    bounce off of the top of the meter and click A again when it lines up with
    the black bar.
    - If you timed it correctly, the ball will land exactly where you aimed it.
    - Rocco drives the Union guy around again to a new location, so re-aim and
    repeat these steps.
    After you successfully hit the guy 3 times, the teamster's mob ties drive up.
    - Hide out and shoot most of the mobsters.
    - When prompted, jump in the golf cart, not the caged one with Rocco - head
    for the open-air one.
    - Drive off and follow Rocco while avoiding the guys in the black SUVs. Don't
    worry about killing them all. Just flee.
    Louie is Dominican.
    By the end of it Rocco is still not conceding anything, they are not square
    on their club deal.
    HOUR 1 - 5* - This is regular old GTA, nothing interesting done in the game
    play. I really like the character of Gay Tony though.
         | Kibbutz Number One - Mori (x03)             |
    Difficulty - 8*
    Enjoyment - 6*
    Length - M
    ** Before starting this mission be sure to have a gun, preferably an
    automatic one. body armor would be good too.
    On Tony's advice, Luis must visit the other man who owns a share of the
    clubs. Mori is a short, orange, and q-tip-headed mass of a man with a taste
    in Mark Rothko paintings and homo eroticism. His hobbies include belittling
    his younger brother Brucie who we first met in GTA 4.
    Luis agrees to head down to the docks with Mori. Mori needs help because he
    is renegotiating with some old business associates.
    When they get there, the business associate, a guy who looks like he would
    have his own HBO comedy hour, says he will will not deal with him because he
    ripped them off before. Then he starts shooting at Mori and Luis.
    Quickly dive and take cover behind one of the pallets.
    - Press Left Bumper to take cover and pop out only to shoot.
    - Advance to the next pallet when the first line of guys is clear. Stay close
    to the right side of the dock (the side closest to the water) to avoid the
    guy launching grenades.
    - By staying on the right side of the dock, you can have a better view of the
    grenade launcher who is on the upper floor of the building. Take him out.
    After you have killed everyone in the construction yard, a few remaining
    thugs flee to the boat. They make the fatal flaw of all GTA antagonists by
    leaving an open boat at the dock and stocking it with sticky bombs.
    Luis and Mori jump in and speed off in pursuit of the thugs.
    - Drive the boat up on the right side of the slowest boat. Press A to toss
    bombs onto the boat then drift to the right of the boat to avoid the splash
    damage of the bombs.
    - When clear, press down on the control pad and the boat explodes.
    - Repeat this with the other boats.
    Mori, despite killing all of his clients, wants to continue doing business,
    and doing it with Luis. Luis declines but Mori says he has no choice because
    he technically owns Tony and by the transitive rule owns Luis.
         | Chinese Takeout - Tony (x04)                |
    Difficulty - 9*
    Enjoyment - 8*
    Length - M
    * Before starting this mission, purchase grenades because you will be
    fighting guys who like to take cover and stay there.
    Luis ducks into the club to see two business guys obnoxiously dancing with
    two women. My favorite move is when the bald guy points at his bicep in a
    rhythm that barely matches the song. Luis pushes into the backroom see Tony
    who is, as always, loudly negotiating something illegal. Together they leave
    for Dragon Heart Plaza because Tony still owes a few favors to Rocco.
    When they arrive at the Dragon Heart, the scene switches to Billy Grey from
    the Lost and Damned bike gang dropping off some "smack." Do people still call
    it smack, and do they still do it? How retro! The recipient of this "smack"
    is a Chinese fellow. Just before the Lost and Damned guy leaves he lets loose
    with a barrage of passive aggressive digs at the buyer's nationality. The
    subject of these barbs floats from filial devotion, capitalism, Chinese-
    style-Leninism to the financial crisis, and then the Korean war.
    Mr. L+D leaves just as Tony and Luis arrive. The Chinese guy called them here
    because Rocco promised that Tony and Luis could help him acquire a liquor
    license for their under-construction house of ill-repute. Luis says they
    can't do it. The Chinese guy doesn't buy it and says that they can't leave
    until they settle on an agreement. Then, to increase the legitimacy of his
    demand, he pulls out a pistol. Despite the fact Luis still has a grenade
    launcher after the last mission, and has enough gumption to wield it, he
    decides not to use it and kicks the gun out of his hand and punches him out.
    The rest of the mission is a hallway rampage. Luis must lead Tony out of this
    Chinese market place. Here are some tips:
    - There will always be a guy coming around every corner and up every
    stairwell so have your gun drawn.
    - Have your gun pointed at every turn and get ready to shoot.
    - Check your radar for red dots that indicate foes.
    - Don't go running around the corners. After the first stairwell, the gunmen
    throw grenades. As long as you hide behind the corner you remain unscathed.
    - Use the grenades I told you to get to flush out guys who are taking cover
    behind copiers and boxes.
         | Mamma's Boy - Mom (x05)                     |
    Difficulty - 6*
    Enjoyment  - 6*
    Length - S
    Relenting from the insistent cell-phone calls, Luis visits his mom. It is a
    nice place, cozy, with a 1970's sitcom look to it. Think Maude or The
    Jeffersons. Mom is sweet and is clad in a paramecium-print house smock.
    Another man is in the room who I hope is not a sugar daddy. His name is Mr.
    Santos. Mrs Luis's mom needed the money to pay the mortgage and instead of
    asking her hustler son she borrowed it from a loan shark.
    She was late on her payment and so the man, Mr. Santos, is here to squeeze
    the money out of her. After minimal negotiation with this surprisingly
    pleasant loan shark, he agrees that Luis can settle her debt. It is unclear
    what this "settlement" is but Luis has to follow Mr. Santos.
    The loan shark leads him to the conveniently-located neighborhood pit-
    fighting club. To earn the money that is not coming from his mom, Mr. Santos
    is relying on Luis to throw a fight. Of course throwing a pit fight is quite
    easy from a video-game standpoint so you will have to actually fight these
    out to pass this mission.
    The fights are one-on-one brawls with other guys who, I assume, are also
    fighting their way out of late mortgage payments. Please don't let a network
    exec hear about this pit-fighting for debt-forgiveness unless you want to see
    "UFC: Troubled Assets" in the Fall lineup.
    The first opponent is dressed in a soiled chef's jacket that is cut at the
    arms and coupled with a jazzy pair of parachute pants. Based on the ensemble
    I assume he is the third-shift fry cook at a Lubby's cafeteria. Here is my
    method for beating him:
    - Backup up until you are close to one of the cage walls.
    - Lock on to the opponent by holding the left trigger and rotate around him.
    - Start in with a series of kicks to push the opponent up against the cage
    - If you are lucky, the toothless spectators will grab him freeing you to
    send an barrage of unanswered punches.
    - I think the AI kind of breaks when he is cornered because if you continue
    to button mash with attacks he will fall.
    When the cook goes down, the next fighter enters. You know he is tough
    because he has a shirt that says muscle.
    - To beat him, use the same method of attack that use against the fry cook.
    The third fighter is wearing a nice striped shirt and a clever pair of denim
    overalls that are sensibly rolled down to his waist. It is a clean look and
    the word "professional" seem all the more appropriate when describing him as
    a "professional fighter."
    - To beat him, use the exact same method of attack as all the other fighters.
    Luis beats all three opponents - a clear lesson that you do not F*CK with the
    bouncer at a gay dance club.
    Quick to condemn Luis for not throwing the fights, Mr. Santos yanks him out
    of the pit-fighting club. In the back alley, he pulls a knife on him.  I can
    only hope that you have a gun to finish him off.
    When Luis returns to his mother to tell her that her debt has been fulfilled,
    she scolds him for not taking better care of her and not being a baseball
    player. Seriously.
         | Corner Kids - Mom (x06)                     |
    Difficulty - 8*
    Enjoyment - 4* - stupid shootout
    Length - M
    While walking through his old neighborhood, Luis happens upon Armando and
    Henrique who are dealing drugs on a street corner. Luis is expressly
    disseminated that his childhood friends are stooping to such a lowly means of
    making illegal money.  He even disregards their dealing style. Armando's
    rejoinder that Luis is just the fun boy of some club owner seems to hit a
    nerve with Luis. Instead of letting it slide, Luis gives a motivational
    speech that all GTA leads must give at some time: this is "Liberty F*cking
    City" and that anyone can advance as long as they try hard and makes
    something out of themselves.
    Despite the inspirational speech, Armando and Henrique do not give up the
    drug trade and actually convince Luis to come along on their next big
    transaction. The threesome arrives in the shell of a brick warehouse. A lone
    tree stands in middle and under it is a man in a ball cap.  Armando greets
    baseball cap man with a boisterous handshake that ends with them re-enacting
    the winning hit to a baseball game that never occurred. By the time the
    greeting is over the police begin firing on the place. Was this a no-bro
    zone? Are the police now anti-assembly?
    One of the boys says that it was a setup as they desperately take cover
    behind the crumbling bricks. But by whom? I don't know. If this is really a
    super-shady drug deal maybe they shouldn't haven't picked a location that is
    open on all sides.
    Inexplicably Luis has an enormous assault riffle. With seemingly little
    reservation, Luis becomes a cop killer as he shoots his way out of this drug
    raid. The police have the place completely surrounded which seems like a
    heavy-handed way for arresting a couple of lowly street dealers.
    - Aim at the cars to blow them up and knocking out the guys who are taking
    cover behind them.
    - Advance to the brick piles and shoot any of them hiding behind the columns
    - Move up to the columns and shoot out the next line.
    Follow your friends to the next area and aim at the cops who are on the
    When the roof cops have been taken care of, take cover behind the burned-out
    - Take out the cops hiding behind the SWAT van to the East
    - Continue to your buddies and knock out the other clutch of cops behind the
    SWAT van.
    The guys advance to the car and an attack helicopter hovers overhead. Somehow
    Luis acquires an RPG. Aim at the helicopter and it blow it up.
    In what started out as a couple of thugs passing out dope quickly escalated
    to a full out act of terrorism using military-grade weapons. What happened?
    Is Rockstar satirizing themselves now? This mission didn't make any sense
    unless it was a joke about how over-the-top sandbox games have become.
    After their night of massacring half of the police force Luis drops Armando
    and Henrique at their house and he says "talk to you later." The mission
    2 HOURS - 6* - it is more Rockstar, but some of the missions are overly
    ridiculous like Corner kids
         | Sexy Time - Yousuf (x07)                    |
    D - 8*
    E - 7*
    L - M
    Luis enters Yousuf's apartment. The place is a garishly decorated with the
    trophies of a billionaire with the cultural sensibilities of a eleven-year-
    old. There are large TVs, framed sports memorabilia, arcade machines and in
    the very center, a scale model of Liberty City made entirely out of gold. The
    big screen TV seems to be showing a sunset with the end credits to another
    GTA game. As Luis circles the gold city, the TV aligns with it so it looks
    like the sun is setting over the model.
    He also has rooms full of ladies of loose morals. He tells Luis about how
    they are so hot and what he will do with them - which as you can image, would
    not be something that any of their fathers would like to hear.
    Yousuf says he has dreams of running this city. As he talks, Yousuf drops the
    N-word like he learned to speak American from Boyz n the Hood or any of the
    earlier GTA games. Interestingly, Luis reacts negatively to this language and
    says that it is not cool.
    Yousuf says that he wants you to steal a helicopter to show his dad that he
    can do something. This, somehow, can lead Yousuf to owning the entire city.
    As Yousuf says adieu, he yells upstairs "Ladies, prepare to suffer" ... from
    The helicopter you are going to steal is on a yacht, so drive to the Marina.
    You must steal a boat to get to where it is anchored. Park your car and
    before you head to the boat, catch a glimpse of the Statue of Liberty.
    - Commandeer one of the parked boats by jumping to it and then pressing "Y"
    - Head out into the harbor, the yacht is a ways off-shore, just west of the
    statue of liberty
    When you get close to the yacht, a cut scene shows you that there is a patrol
    boat. To avoid it, position your boat so that the patrol boat is always on
    the opposite side of the yacht.
    - Coast your boat to the back of the yacht,
    - When close enough, press Y to let go of the steering wheel. When close
    enough, press the jump button. You are aiming for the rear platform that
    doesn't have any railing.
    - If you fall into the water just swim over to the yacht's rail-less platform
    and pull yourself up.
    When on board, the scene switches to a bunch of WASPS lounging in their yacht
    living room with their loose women and talking about being rich. The loud guy
    says the chopper is called the Buzzard.
    - From the rear deck of the boat, climb two flights of stairs to the top
    - The helicopter is parked on the back of the ship. Immediately jump in it
    and hold the accelerator trigger to take off.
    - Fly the chopper away from the boat and towards the red spot on your radar.
    - However, as soon as you get too far into the river, Yousuf commands you to
    head back and blow up the yacht.
    *In the next part of the mission you might die several times. If you crash
    the helicopter too many times you will call Yousuf to tell him that it is a
    little damaged, he will forgive you but you will not get the chopper to him.
    If this is important to you, click the phone button and choose to replay the
    mission again.
    You must hit the boat three times with missiles. It is hard to control the
    aircraft and aim your guns but here are some tips. Try all of them because
    what works for you may depend on your play-style
    - You must hit the boat 3 times
    - Hold the machine gun and missile buttons down at the same time. You have
    unlimited ammo so you might as well bullet hose them.
    - You can also try aligning the flight path so that you fly down the length
    of the boat, point your craft downward and hold the shoot buttons. Maybe you
    will hit it.
    - You can also try hovering along the boat's broadside. Hang just above the
    water and fire at it without moving.
    - You should be able to avoid the missiles that are fired from the side of
    the boat as long as you move when you hear them fire.
    The boat sinks in a slow, Titanic-esque way except that the crew falls into
    the river matrix-style. Also there are exploding lounge chairs.
    Three patrol boats escaped so you must destroy them too.
    - Fly low in order to see them. If you can see the texture of the water and
    the splashes from your mini-gun, you are close enough.
    - Approach slowly behind the boats. When I got close enough I let go of the
    accelerator and let the momentum of the helicopter carry me to them.
    - Hold down both the missiles and mini-gun button. Rock the chopper up and
    down so that you spray the escaping boats with in a parallel direction.
    - When the missiles come after you, jam on the accelerator and go straight
    - Repeat.
    When the boats have been destroyed, fly to the indicated way-point and land
    the craft to complete the mission:
    - You can shoot rockets at the city with no consequences
    - The helicopter pad is on the top of a medium-height sky scrapper on the
    east side of Manhattan I mean Algonquin
    - To land it, try and slow down to a near hover.
    - Slowly inch towards the rooftop
    - move the camera with the right stick to make sure you are on target
    - Press the break to slow down the prop and slowly land it.
    Yousuf is obsessed with what they won't sell him.
    HOUR 3 - 6* - the missions are starting to get more interesting and I like
    the Yousuf character
         | Bang Bang - Tony  (x08)                     |
    D- 8*
    L - Medium
    E - 6*
    From the title I know this one s going to be about sex.  Luis is in Tony's
    loft again and a guy with frosted hair is listening to "man eater." Get it?
    Heh. Ugh. Evan is they quintessential gay boyfriend: a Schrodinger's cat of
    relationships. One who is simultaneously involved with Tony and on the outs
    with him. Tony is in the bedroom, sleeping, drunk, or high, or drunk and
    Disappointed, Luis comes to Tony's aid and wakes him. Even gets in the way
    and is generally not helpful so Luis headbutts him. When Tony comes-to he
    says that the union guys and Rocco are threatening to burn the club. Tony's
    idea of dealing with it is to blow up parts of the city - well the Union
    controlled parts of the city. Tony wants to do it himself, but Luis
    considered his current state of mind and knocks him out so that he can do it
    The first stop is to bomb the crane of a construction yard. When you get
    there walk up to the base of the structure. Select the sticky bombs, hold the
    right trigger to aim and fire them onto the crane's base. Do this 3 times,
    back away and detonate.
    Next, follow the way point and keep going through it to jump onto the train
    tracks. As long as you didn't push the break while you were on the hill, you
    can land on the tracks with all for wheels on the ground. Drive down the
    tracks following the train. Throw the bombs out the window so they stick.
    Detonate it after you have put a couple on  it.
    I couldn't find a good way to get my car off of the track so at the nearest
    stop I jumped out of the car and ran for the nearest car. Follow the GPS to
    drive onto the tarmac. The targeted plane is stopped on the tarmac ready to
    taxi. Drive around it throwing bombs out the window. They don't have to stick
    to the plane, just around it. Drive away and detonate.
    You then need to escape security. Driving around on the tarmac will not get
    you far enough away so you must find the nearest exit. Your security level is
    really high so try and stay outside of the red and blue circle that is
    indicated on your map. If you stick to long straight highways, you can get
    going real fast and escape the cops.
         | Clocking Off - Mom (x09)                    |
    Luis's returns to his mom's now-paid-off house to find Armando and Henrique
    sitting on the couch. His mom is serving them a plate of something that looks
    like black mush. It is probably rice and beans. Luis calls these guys out so
    they can go on more hair-brained adventures. His mom complains that dealing
    drugs is not a way to make it out of their situation. Luis says that things
    will be OK because knows the good people form the bad ones. He then turns
    over a comically large bundle of cash which she gladly takes.
    On the way to their drug-related destination Luis's cronies upbraid him for
    talking down to his mother and somehow the conversation quickly turns to
    talking about pussy.
    Henrique needs Luis to help manage the couriers who are importing drugs from
    the boats. Of course, just like any GTA mission this one goes wrong and
    shooting will sort it all out. In this case a rival gang tries to steal their
    - From the water side dock, run and hide behind the blue shipping crate. Take
    cover here to shoot out the gang members who are on the next floor up.
    - When they stop shooting at you, run up the stairs to the next level.
    - Clear out this floor, make sure that you also shoot the guys who hide
    behind the parked gangster SUV. Head up the back flight of stairs to surprise
    the guys who are on the top floor.
    - The top floor is wide open and gang members can hide behind all the cars
    and flat bed trailer there. Use your radar to identify where the guys are
    With the gang completely murdered, return to the car. Two SUVs have been
    loaded up and Luis must follow the other car so they can stash them. Keep
    close so you don't get lost. The parking lot is just around the block.
    4 Hours 5* - This game is alright it still feels like every GTA
         | High Dive - Yousuf (x10)                    |
    E - 9* - you get get on the top of the empire state building.
    D - 8*
    L - M
    Yousuf is on his gold -phone phone and is pleading with his father. It seems
    that his dad is withholding money because of his predilection for
    prostitutes. This is one of those awkward moments when you have to listen to
    your friend's embarrassing phone calls but they give you that hand wave like
    "This will just take a minute, stay here." But you have nothing to look at or
    hide behind so you just have to stand there while they describe their bunions
    or last sexual encounter to their phone-friend. If I were Luis I would go
    over to the arcade machines.
    With the call over, Yousuf straddles a motorcycle game called Total Outrage
    and says that he was in Vice City.  "The rich that were there were tacky" he
    says as he tucks his gold phone into his gold track jacket. Hey Yousuf has a
    painting that looks like a Roy Lichtenstein
    (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roy_Lichtenstein). I tried to look up the
    painting but I couldn't find it, I think the GTA designers just made a
    painting that looks like a Lichtenstein so they didn't have to pay royalties
    or whatever you have to for the art of dead painters. I think the GTA
    designers are using these quite obviously placed paintings to describe the
    characters. Mori had a Rothko painting which symbolized his brutish
    masculinity, Tony had his 80's style Warhol/Nagel paintings to symbolize his
    party lifestyle. I would say the Lichtenstein symbolizes Yousuf's attempt at
    adopting American pop culture and expensive tastes. I figure he would buy
    this painting not because he appreciated the art or the pop-culture but
    because it seemed American and rich.
    Yousuf makes Luis drive him to the Empire State Building doppelganger and
    drop him off so that he can meet his brother and an associate. However,
    Yousuf panics at the last minute and says that Luis should go instead. So,
    Luis heads up to meet them. When they see him they are totally panicked
    because the plan has changed. This was a setup to trap Yousuf. To escape,
    Luis pushes the bald friend, Tahir, off of the building. Ahmed escapes and
    the NOOSE (aka SWAT team) descends to finish what Tahir and Ahmed couldn't.
    Use the exploding shells that Yousuf gave you to take out any troops that
    stand in your way. You can also use the shells to take out helicopters. Here
    is how to navigate the tower without getting killed.
    - Do one loop around the tier you are on and shoot out all soldiers and
    helicopters that are in your way. You need to make sure that there is no one
    left on the tier so they don't sneak up behind you when you move to the next
    - Behind the stairs on the first floor is a bullet proof vest, you need it.
    - Head up the stairs to the next tier of the tower.
    This tier is not too heavily guarded but still make sure you clear it out.
    - Before you climb the latter, pan the camera up so you can see the next
    floor. If you climb up without killing them, the troops shoot you before you
    can get off of the ladder.
    - Do another lap around the next tier to clear it of soldiers. Shoot down the
    next helicopter too.
    - Climb the next short ladder and do one more circuit around the tower.
    - Climb up to the tall ladder that is on the tower's huge antenna. When the
    Empire State Building was constructed, this metal tower was added so that
    people could tether dirigibles to it. Back when the ESB was built, people
    actually though that blimps and balloons would be a viable form of
    transportation. I kid you not.
    - At the next platform another helicopter appears, take it out too. I was
    lucky enough to be at this point as the sun was rising and I stopped to
    watch. There is no rush, Ahmed will not be going anywhere. Note: #EMERGENT
    GAME PLAY + 10
    At the top, Ahmed cautiously gives Luis the parachute before being scared
    backwards and heads for the ground the fast way.
    Jump off and press  the jump button again to open the parachute.
         | Caught With Your Pants Down - Yousuf (x11)  |
    E - 9* - you get get on the top of the empire state building.
    D - 4*
    L - M
    If I were Luis, I would start bringing blinders every time I visit Yousuf.
    This time he is holding a golden machine gun and dancing over the golden
    model of Liberty City with a prostitute named Jonell. She stops to do a line
    off of Battery Park.
    Yousuf is wearing a pair of underwear with a tiger that covers his python. He
    starts handing out money and says they are going to take over a NOOSE tank.
    Then a man walks in who is dressed in a white suit and Middle-eastern head
    dress. He is accompanied by a body guard who looks like N'gai Croal?!?. It is
    Yousuf's dad. Comically Yousuf tries to disguise what he is doing. Pointing
    at the prostitute and Luis he says that they are married friends were just
    visiting.... and that he, somehow, lost his pants. Papa is disappointed in
    his son.
    Thankfully Yousuf lets Luis go outside before the scolding starts. Yousuf
    calls moments later to say that he has to stick around until he can give his
    dad the slip. Meet him at the Burger shot in Star crossing.
    When Luis gets there, Yousuf lands a giant helicopter in the middle of the
    Yousuf needs you to fly this choppers so that you can pick up the NOOSE tank
    he was talking about earlier.
    - Fly towards the red dot. The target is an air crane that is carrying the
    tank across the city. Fly close enough and Yousuf takes the controls so that
    Luis can equip a sniper rifle.
    - Shoot the yellow bolts that are on the four outer corners of the tank. They
    are real small so you must zoom in to see them.
    - Zoom in by pressing up on the left control stick.
    - Try to shoot the bolts that are closest to you. After the front two are
    gone the tank starts rotating so you can have a shot at the back two.
    When the thank is free, jump out of the helicopter and parachute to where it
    landed.  (Is that possible without getting decapitated?)
    - Get in the tank. you must kill some cops until you are told to flee.
    - The most effective way to destroy everything is to drive to one of the
    long, cross-town freeways.
    - Hit the gas, and just hold down the fire button. While firing, turn the
    turret around backwards and aim at everything that moves.
    - After you blow up enough cops, you are prompted to escape from them.
    - Drive down the long freeways again. You want to stick to roads that are
    wide open so the NOOSE tank can pick up speed. Surface streets are too tight
    and require frequent turns.
    - After evading the cops, take the tank to the indicated spot
    At the meeting place, Yousuf is in a crane. He picks up the tank and takes it
    5 HRS  - 8*
         | Blog This (Part I) - Tony (x12)             |
    E - 3* - cute jokes boring mission
    D - 0*
    L - S
    Troy, the door guy, approaches Luis quietly. He confides that he wants to
    stop working Hercules and work at Maisonette 9. The gay club is hurting
    Troy's chances with the women. Obviously Troy is not aware that many women
    prefer the clubs of gay persuasion because of their nearly no-pressure
    atmosphere, better dressed patrons, and near lack of insecure men. It can
    also be a great honor to take a girl to a GAY, BAR, GAY, BAR, GAY BAR
    Tony arrives, and asks Troy how the door is going. Troy says not good and
    Tony has a total freak-out. If I were Troy I would want to work there just
    for the chance that my boss would crap himself like Tony does so regularly.
    Tony commissions Luis to drive him and Gracie to her house. As soon as they
    all hit the road, Gracie starts throwing her female parts at Luis who,
    without hesitation, turns down every offer. Tony interrupts the sexy-time-
    talk to complain that the Celebrinator, a gossip blogger, is speaking bad
    about Tony's clubs. Luis offers to check it out at the nearest Internet cafe.
    After you drop them off and get to the indicated cafe, sit down at one of the
    computers and click on the Celebrinator link. The blog is a clear Perezhilton
    send up - they even included the Microsoft-Paint phalluses. The top story
    gossips that Luis and Tony are so enamored with each other that Tony doesn't
    have time to run a decent club anymore.  Click "comment" and Luis writes an
    open club invitation to a blogger. You don't have the option of writing
    And yes, that is the entire mission. You just got fake-points for logging on
    to a fake Internet and placing a fake blog comment. The endless hall of
    mirrors of video game simulacra has bent itself over.
         | Boulevard Baby - Tony (x13)                 |
    *Warning about this mission: If you don't have any guns because you got
    arrested or died, stock up on an automatic weapon and some body armor because
    there one is a lot harder if you go in unarmed.
    The scene opens the on Maisonette 9 again and a Russian guy shows his ID and
    points at his card and his face and says "its me, see? see? see?" I am
    totally going to do the next time I get carded (Russian accent too).
    Luis approaches the entrance and sizes up a woman who is in a short one piece
    with a pink stripe down the side. While she is at the bar, Luise whispers in
    her ear the camera cuts to a bathroom scene that proves that despite the
    rumors of the previous mission, Luis is not in anyway interested in Gay Tony.
    Maybe the reason Tony is having so much trouble filling his clubs is because
    the staff is using the bathrooms as their personal bath houses. What would
    the health inspector have to say? They did do it on the sink so there is a
    good chance they will wash their hands but GROSS. GROSS.
    With the bathroom sink montage barely fading from my singed retinas, we
    switch to Tony who is having a one-on-one meeting in the back office with a
    bottle of wine. Luis arrives at the end of Tony's meeting. When they patrol
    the floor, Tony stops by two guys who look a little bored. They are Russian
    (one of them was the see?, see?, see? guy). The Alpha (or whatever the first
    letter in Cyrillic is) male is Ray Bulgarin and wants to buy sexy-time with
    all the women in the club, even the actresses. Tony buys them a drink and
    calls in Luis to charm them so they don't actually try out their Russian
    method of courtship. Despite buying them a drink, they still don't like Tony
    but the do like Luis. Probably because he smells like woman's perfume and
    hand soap.
    With more important things to do, Tony takes Luis to sabotage the rival club
    at Bahama Mama's. Rocco has a plan to force Luis to sleep with the club-
    owner's girlfriend while he is out of town. The ensuing chaos will damage the
    club. Luis resents the fact that he is being used as a crime-syndicate gigolo
    but he probably eager to see the Bahama Mama's bathrooms. Follow your way
    through the club to reach the girl who apparently has a GPS transmitter on
    To dance with her:
    - move the two control sticks around, somewhat energetically, but treat them
    softly - like a lady.
    - When the "HOLD" text comes up, hold the sticks where they were when you saw
    the text, and tap the triggers in time to the beat.
    - When the the dancing is successful she pulls Luis into the backroom.
    Despite not being in his favorite location, Luis slums it and settles for a
    BJ in the main office's black leather chair. Wouldn't you know, the club
    owner comes back and heads right for the backroom. The club owner punches his
    promiscuous girlfriend in the gut and after having enough time to pull up his
    pants, Luis stops him.
    Switch to a gun and mow the club owner down.
    Shoot your way out of the club.
    - Duck out of the backroom and hide behind the short pony wall. You know, the
    wall where all guys who are too afraid to dance hang out and stare at the
    dance floor.
    - Shoot the guys with riffles from here.
    - Proceed to the club entrance and hide here poking out to shoot the other
    guys in the hallway.
    - Run out the club and head for higher ground.
    6 Hrs.
         | Frosting on the Cake - Tony (x14)           |
    D 8*
    E - 8*
    L -
    Tony has company. Evan, Rocco, and two women are all sitting around Tony's
    living room. Its board game night. Well if you consider a giant coke-mirror a
    board game. Tony is collapsed on the ground and despite the fact they are
    sampling his blow they are mocking him for being so wasted. Holy crap, I
    think the character that looks like Fran Drescher is actually voiced by Fran
    Drescher. Luis dutifully stands-up for Tony and helps him get cleaned up.
    The party breaks up and Luis is tasked with driving Evan to the docks so they
    can receive two million dollars worth of diamonds. On the ride over Evan
    teases that he is taking over the business and that Tony really doesn't care
    about him. Luis's tension is palpable and Evan says it is because he is
    jealous of him.
    At the docks Tony, Evan, and Luis meet the guy who is wearing a chef's smock.
    The guy, who they call the Chef, pulls over a little bag. With the diamonds
    and cache now within reach of each-other the two parties argue about the
    terms of the deal. Meanwhile a bunch of thugs sneak up on them. The problem
    with meeting in the docks is that there are so many shipping crates to climb
    over and around.
    Tony and friends make the deal and grab the diamonds. The gang is after them
    though. Luis, hands over the driving to their driver and instead takes roost
    with a backpack full of bombs.
    Your goal is to get back to the club without exploding. Do this by killing
    everything else before it has a chance to hurt you.
    - Always check your radar so that you can anticipate where the bikers will
    - Toss the bombs ahead of where the bikers will drive so that you can
    detonate them as they approach.
    After outrunning the gang, the police setup a blockade in the middle of one
    of the boulevards. Destroy the middle car and the rest of the blockade
    explodes into a slow-mo burn. This, however, queues the NOOSE tank.
    - The tank is slow so lay a bunch of bombs on the ground in front of it. As
    it drives over them, detonate.
    - Repeat this until the tank is gone.
    The police then send a helicopter.
    - Aim the bombs high so they ark towards the distant chopper
    - You don't have  to stick the bombs on the side, just detonate them as they
    get close. Splash damage counts.
    Finally while driving at a barricade, the limo driver (and Right Said Fred
    impersonator) is shot in the face. Luis takes control.
    As soon as you are behind the wheel, drive as fast as you can through the
    - You need the speed so you can out-run the cops.
    - Continue to speed straight on through and hope that the cops are slow.
    - When you get outside the blue and red flashing circle you are moments away
    from escaping. Keep an eye out for the circles that are hunting for you. Dip
    into side streets to avoid them.
    - Just keep driving and don't stop.
    - If that doesn't loose them, head for the nearest long boulevard so you can
    gain speed and outrun them. The idea is to find a runway where you can pick
    up enough speed to escape.
    When the battle is over, they soon realize that Evan ran off with the
    diamonds. Tony thinks he is dead but Luis knows better. Tony checks Evan's
    Bleeter (aka Twitter) account and finds a transcribed, onomatopoetic, account
    of his death.
         | Blog This! (Part 2) - Tony (x15)            |
    E - 7*
    D - 6*
    L - S
    With word that Tony has convinced the Liberty City's blogger, the
    Celebrinator, into a borrowed helicopter, Luis meets them to teach him a
    Jump in the helicopter and....
    - Follow the red rings to fly over Happiness Island
    - At the right altitude, Luis gives up the controls and starts punching the
    Celebrinator before pushing him out of the chopper
    - Luis just wants to scare him so jumps out to grab him. Hold the left stick
    to dive. When you are close enough, he automatically grabs a hold of the
    - As soon as you grab him, open your parachute.
    - You must land on the island, if you are too far over the water, press the
    air breaks (L and R triggers) to float down more slowly.
    You land together, safely and Rockstar ends this triumphant moment with a
    poop joke. Mission over.
    By the way, to get off the island, head to the docks on the west side of the
    island. There are a few boats there you can use to float back into town.
         | Not so Fast - Tony (x16)                    |
    D - 10*
    E - 3*
    L - M
    Back to the club and there is a long line waiting to get in. Troy, the door
    guy, the one who wanted to move to Maisonette, doesn't care anymore that he
    is a bouncer at a gay club. He got his own reality show about his life as a
    doorman despite the fact that he looks like a cross between an MBA-majoring
    in accounting and an Edwardian-era dandy. It is actually a funny scene solely
    because of the great voice acting and the nonchalant motion capture. The way
    he points and waves in patrons made me laugh, and for the first time it
    wasn't because the motion capture looked cheesy. Also, watch the people
    waiting in line. They shake their IDs in a really funny way.
    Luis arrives and Tony is drunk. He philosophizes that the gay community is
    settling down and doesn't need him anymore. Instead of being self-loathing
    slouches who got there kicks by wasting their money on clubs, they now are
    happy and in relationships.
    Tony heard that the diamonds are still around and that they are being sold in
    the Libertonian. He sends Luis off to go get them.
    Fly the chopper to the Central Park area. En-route to the museum you can see
    that the level designers chickened out and didn't add the Guggenheim. When
    you locate the neo-classical building that is the Libertonian, park the
    Buzzard between the sky lights on the roof - there is a marker there. Get out
    and climb down the nearby scaffolding.
    Luis peers through the window and spies six men who, despite my multiple,
    failed attempts to land a helicopter on the roof, are unaware of his
    presence. They are deeply into the exchange of the diamonds. Hey! one of them
    is Niko Bellic. They brought two Jewish jewelers with them to identify the
    diamonds. As soon as they confirm that they are authentic, Luis opens fire.
    He kills everyone who isn't a speaking character or Jewish. One of the
    diamond IDers hides under a table and says he will split the diamonds with
    Luis if he lets them go. In response, Luis just cracks him with the riffle
    butt and takes all the diamonds.
    At this point you can join a huge gunfight through a museum (one of my all
    time favorite video game settings) or you can just climb back up the ladder
    and continue the mission. If you are having trouble deciding, you should note
    that the dinosaur skeletons are completely destructible.
    When you are ready to continue the mission, turn around and go back up the
    scaffolding that you took to get in here. Press Y to climb the ladder on the
    way out.
    Climb back in the helicopter and get ready for the hardest mission in the
    entire game. This is classic Rockstar: cool setup coupled with extremely
    clumsy controls. "Not so fast" is to BOGT as the RC mission is to GTA:SA. Get
    ready and don't throw your controller. I will try to help you to the best of
    my writing abilities.
    - As soon as you have control of the helicopter go straight up. Don't bank or
    anything. You just need to get altitude for the next fight.
    - Press select to zoom out so you can see more.
    - When the first helicopter approaches hold B to get a view of it.
    - The other chopper should approach you so don't try to chase it. Just rotate
    around so that your chopper is pointing at it.
    - Turn by letting go of the accelerator a little so that it is only 75%
    depressed. Also, don't push the control sticks to the max or you will just
    start swinging around wildly. Everything has to be in little corrections.
    - Hover when you are shooting at the other chopper. Don't try to turn when
    you are accelerating otherwise you will loose control.
    - When you are facing the chopper, hold down both X and A at the same time to
    fire both of your guns.
    - With luck you will hit the police chopper with the missiles which grounds
    it with one hit.
    With the first chopper down, go straight up again. you need altitude. Two
    more choppers approach.
    - Press B to zoom to the two.
    - Wait for the choppers to approach and just hover.
    - If you want to just turn around, hold back and the direction you want to
    turn. But don't pull the sticks all the way back. Just a little bit.
    - Again, hold X and A and hope that you hit one of them.
    - When they fire the heat-seeking missiles, accelerate up to avoid them.
    - Just keep at it and you will eventually beat it. I consider it luck that I
    finally got through it.
    With the choppers down, land the chopper where indicated.
    Tony is there to meet you in a car - drunk. like he couldn't get a driver
    while he is in his condition.
         | This Ain't Checkers - Mori (x17)            |
    E - 7*
    D - 2*
    L - M
    After positioning a bunch of tiny candle sticks in a weird checkers-like
    game, Mori points a finger-gun at Brucie's head. Mori says check-mate real
    slow. Then he brags that he also got into two Ivy League schools. This is all
    posturing and Luis is sick of it and he wants out of his commitment to him.
    Realizing he is not wanted, Mori says he will free Tony of his debt if Luis
    wins a one of his custom challenges.  If Luis looses, Mori gets everything
    Tony owns - including his eternal services. Wait a minute. This is the plot
    to most of the episodes of Saved By The Bell.
    The challenge that Mori is proposing is a triathlon of skydiving, boating,
    and driving.
    A plane takes Mori, Luis, and generic-NPC-model #3 over Happiness Island. The
    race starts as soon as they all jump out the plane.
    Event 1 Skydiving:
     - As you fall, aim for the west side of the island. If you can land on one
    of the boats there you can get Rockstar points. If you can't make it to the
    boat, at least try for the dock.
    Event 2 Boat race:
    - Don't do anything crazy to try to get ahead - especially in the beginning
    of the race. In the long run your boat will outrun Mori's. There are some
    real long straightaways towards the end of this race and you can pass him
    Event 3 Car race:
    - Pick a car and follow the markers.
    - The cars have nitro but you should only use it on the long straightaway at
    the middle of the race.
    - While boosting, tap the break to turn it off.
    - You can probably win this race without boosting so unless in trouble, don't
    use it.
         | No. 3 - Mori (x18)                          |
    E- 2* - I can never tell where to go, I need checkpoints
    D - 10
    L - M
    Luis hears enough of Mori's bullying and tells him that he should be nicer to
    his own brother. Just seconds before this cut scene turns into a PSA, Mori
    agrees and offers to spend the day with Brucie. Luis comes along too.
    Hold on tight because this mission is a long and excruciating onslaught of
    Mori. It is interesting because Mori could be the scariest monsters in all of
    video games. You see, if game designers really want to make something that
    can out-scare a survival-horror game, they just need to prey on the gamers'
    barely-healed emotional scars that were inflicted by an adolescence of peach
    fuzz, braces, glasses and, most importantly, bullying.
    When they arrive at Mori's garage they split up and each take a vehicle.
    These are stolen vehicles and Mori is tricking Luis and Brucie into taking
    them to the ship yard.
    God this mission sucks. You will be falling off the pier a few times and
    loosing the trail even more. Luckily Mori takes the same path over and over
    again. Here is the best path from the start:
    - The first major obstacle is to watch out for that taxi van that crosses the
    center line EVERY - SINGLE -  TIME.
    - Mori veers into the back alleys and river-side drive. You should go real
    slow in this part so you don't flip into the water. I depressed the
    accelerator to about 50% through this entire area.
    - When you get to the jumps, you should speed up. But don't go so fast that
    you jump  over the landing strip
    At the end of the drive, the three cars crash-land into a flat bottom barge.
    Mori encourages Luis to keep following him so that he can learn the ways of
    being a d-bag. Luis, stunned, tells Mori off. Then Brucie accidentally roid-
    punches Mori in the face and they both cry.
         | Going Deep - Bulgarin (x19)                 |
    D- 8*
    E - 4 *
    L - L
    Luis arrives at a quite nice house in the wooded suburbs. At the door, a guy
    in a track suit answers. Luis asks if Mr. B is there. The door guy steps
    outside and looks to the left and the right. Like cops haven't figured out
    that every thug looks outside like that when someone comes to the door. No
    one is there of course, and the jumpsuit thug calls Luis in.
    Ray says that the department of security enforcement is after him. He asks
    Luis to kill them for him. Luis balks but Ray posits that with enough money a
    man would cut off his own leg. Ray then offers a lot of money to complete the
    job and Luis agrees. They head off for the garage where they will make their
    stand against the military team.
    In the car ride over, Ray asks Luis, like every other thug in town, to leave
    Tony and join them. Luis says that at least with Tony he doesn't get locked
    up. Even though he totally should be.
    Drive Ray's SUV to the garage and park it where indicated. Throw a bomb on
    the grill of the vehicle. Meet Ray in the empty parking space. Duck and hide.
    The NOOSE team storms the vehicle assuming Ray is inside. When prompted,
    detonate the bomb to blow up the commander and half of his team. Ray
    encourages that they are all bad and they deserve it.
    Eliminate the rest of the NOOSE squad using the following tips...
    - As soon as the shooting starts, run to the back corner of the garage and
    hide behind the parked car there. Hiding in the back corner prevents the
    NOOSE from sneaking up behind you.
    - Press the right bumper, to hide behind the cars.  Although it might not
    seem like much, it protects you a bunch from the cross fire.
    - Wait for the police to approach before you shoot them. Don't waste your
    - After the first wave, the cars start to get damaged so watch them. If a car
    that is just a few cars away catches on fire, retreat further back. A single
    explosion can cause a domino of explosions that takes you out.
    - If you run out of bullets, try to get in one of the parked cars or, if you
    can do it safely, the NOOSE van, and run over the cops.
    - When prompted that the coast is clear, glean the room for the leftover
    armored vests and guns.
    - After you clear out the cops, grab the NOOSE truck or better yet, the
    lighting-fast BUFFALO sedan.
    - Take an immediate right out of the garage and head for one of the cross-
    town boulevards so that you can out run the cops.
    This whole mission was to clear out the security protection that Maki has.
    On the way out Ray teases Luis and tells him that his share in Tony's club is
    just an illusion so that Tony can hang out with him. Luis is just security.
    Ray tell Luis that he will hire him and teach him how to make something of
    8 HRS - The missions are more difficult and Rockstar's clumsy controls are
         | Dropping in - Bulgarin (x20)                |
    D- 6*
    E - 8 *
    L - M
    Luis walks in on Ray's man-servant, Timur, playing some nasty fuzz-tone
    guitar. Ray is dancing with his AK-47. Luis doesn't take to this Russians'
    sense of hospitality and nearly takes it out on Timur. Taking it all in
    stride, probably so they can get down to business, Ray orders Luis to kill
    the owner of the sought-after Hockey team, Maki Ashvilli. Luis balks. He
    takes a somewhat arbitrary stance that he is no hit-man. A cop killer, yes,
    but not as despicable as a hit-man. Despite his objections, Ray forces him to
    get in there and kill and to take Timur with him.
    On the way, Ray's personal thug has a philosophical debate with Luis as to
    whether he really is a horrible man. Despite what he says, Luis argues that
    he is isn't just a mindless killer.
    The two killers board a chopper with the goal of dropping Luis onto the roof
    Maki's office building undetected.
    Jump out of the chopper and aim for the Helli-pad on the roof-top.
    From the roof...
    - Shoot your way down the abandoned looking hallway.
    - Jump down the elevator and be ready to turn around and fight the guys who
    are ready for someone to just drop down the shaft.
    - Fight through the hallways and wind through the rooms. You can identify the
    doors that you can walk through because they have a triangle warning symbol
    on them.
    - Open doors by shooting them. This technique allows you to have a clear shot
    into the room without having to actually go through the door.
    - After you get to the circular, main desk, look behind the filing cabinets
    in the corner because there is a big, green health pack.
    Mikil is just around the corner in a conference room overlooking Time's
    - When you kill Mikil, jump out the window, open the parachute and float down
    to Times Square. After 9/11 I truly thought that it would be a good health
    initiative to equip all high-rise buildings with parachutes as an alternate
    to fire escapes. Similar to what they do with fire extinguishers. This
    mission proves that my idea is at least partially feasible.
    - When you land, find a car fast. The other body guards are right behind you.
    - When you get the car, drive off and once you get a safe distance away the
    mission is over.
         | In the Cross Hairs - Bulgarin (x21)         |
    D- 8*
    E - 7*
    L - M
    This time Ray is without his trusty man-servant. He commands Luis to head for
    a rooftop that is downtown to protect Timur while he does something shady.
    On his way out, Luis orders a sniper rifle from one of his weapons dealers
    because he will be doing some precise shooting. But shouldn't, in the world
    of assassins, weapons be part of the contract? Luis must get paid for gas and
    mileage. Doesn't he? Why not weapons too?
    When Luis gets to the roof of the building, Ray calls him and directs him to
    a small box that is in the corner. Inside, just like the end of Seven, is a
    head. But this time of the cook that sold them the diamonds. Those diamonds
    Tony bought were originally stolen from Ray. It doesn't matter how a person
    got them, if they touch the diamonds, Ray wants them dead. This rooftop is
    the trap to get rid of Luis.
    At the top of the building...
    - Duck and press the left trigger and zoom with the left stick when the
    attackers stop shooting,
    - If you are locked on to a wall, you cannot view the sniper scope.
    - Check your map, the snipers are indicated with red circles. The arrows
    indicate their elevation relative to you. Shoot them all
    After the first set of snipers have been eliminated, Luis tries to get off
    the roof. It is locked and a chopper circles the building.
    - Hide behind the raised wall, it protects you from the snipers and machine
    gunners. Your first task is to get rid of the chopper.
    - Instead of wildly chasing the chopper with your scope, hold the sights
    steady in its flight path. When the chopper gets into your sights, fire.
    - Aim for the pilot to down the chopper or the gunner to protect your head.
    After you shoot down the chopper, work on killing all the guys on the
    surrounding rooftop....
    - After the first wave of snipers are dead, the rest come trickling out like
    a bizarre Russian version of Mary Poppin's chimney-sweep scene. Except, of
    course, no dancing.
    - When they are all killed, jump over to their rooftop. More will pop out.
    - Kill all the guys who stand in your way and continue jumping from rooftop
    to rooftop towards the marker.
    - When you get to the fire escape, clear out the guys below, and run down to
    the now vacant cars.
    - Drive far enough away and you beat the mission
    Luis calls Tony to apologize. He had met with the Russians behind Tony's
    back. The diamonds that they bought were stolen by the cook and Ray was just
    luring Luis into his trap to get back at him.
         | For the Man Who Has Everything - Yousuf(x22)|
    D- 8*
    E - 6*
    L - M
    Yousuf enters with his normal inappropriateness. Luis is at his construction
    site. Yousuf gloats that his ancestors built ziggurats and that this building
    is going to be great. He says the building is going to be totally over
    indulgent and too expensive for anyone else. It sounds as if he is describing
    his childhood tree house.
    Yousuf called Luis so that he could get a ride to his chopper. Yousuf wants a
    subway car and Luis is going to clear the way so that he can pick it up. It
    is going to be part of a huge resort in the Gulf.
    Yousuf drops you off on an overpass. Stand at the marker but don't jump until
    the train actually comes by.
    After you land on it...
    - Move slowly towards the front.
    - Your main objective is destroying helicopters. Moving to the front is
    secondary. As soon as you see one, start firing.
    - Push down the left stick to duck. You must do this for the low bridges and
    particularly climactic scene about under a helicopter.
    When you finally destroy all the choppers and move to the front car, Yousuf
    comes in with his helicopter crane and grabs the subway car.
         | Ladies Night - Tony (x23)                   |
    E- 7
    D- 7*
    L - M
    Tony is upset. Gracie has been kidnapped. Instead of planning something, the
    two men start bickering about which one of them is a bigger junkie or low-
    life psychopath. Tony grabs a gun and says that he is the one who is holding
    Luis back and tries to commit suicide. The gun jams or was never loaded. Luis
    knocks him out and they run off to find Gracie.
    From the chopper, follow the car. Hold the B button to keep the camera
    centered on him.
    - You don't have to follow too closely, and can maintain a pretty high
    altitude to avoid the buildings.
    - When he heads into the tunnel, go to your map. The tunnel is that two-lane,
    dark gray line that heads west under the river.
    - Follow that line, if you hold B it will kind-of track where the car is. I
    used my map to find the other end of the tunnel
    - If you followed him to the other side successfully, he continues into a
    parking garage.
    - Circle around the garage until he reemerges.
    - He drives another two blocks to an apartment.
    Tony "phones it in" and tells Luis to fly back to the nearby helipad.
         | Ladies Half Price - Tony (x24)              |
    L -S
    D - 3 *
    E - 4*
    Brucie is there at the door trying to get into Maisonette. He compliments
    Luis as an adventurer, a lone wolf, but one with a sensitive side. Then
    Brucie arrives within an inch of getting fresh with Luis. He stops, gets
    offended, and covers saying that he is not gay. Luis totally brushes it off
    instead of acting like a insecure prick.
    Luis takes Tony to the pier and so they can surprise the kidnappers by
    arriving by water. When Luis lands at the pier they practically stumble over
    the kidnappers.
    When Luis confronts them, they demand the diamonds in exchange for Gracie.
    Luis is fearful though because the Russians also want the diamonds who will
    kill to get them back.
    They land and Tony is determined to give the diamonds back. The captor is
    Niko Bellic. Gracie is gagged and Luis fabricates the exchange rules by
    putting the diamonds in the middle and sending Gracie over. It is a strange
    fusion of Red Rover, Red Rover and Snatch the Bacon.
    Gracie asks why we didn't kill them. Luis starts shooting as Tony pops pills
    and runs back to the boat with Gracie. There is nearly a firefight but Luis
    decides to skip the bloodshed much to the whining of Gracie.
         | Party's Over - Tony (x25)                   |
    D- 9*
    E - 7*
    L - L
    Rocco and his uncle are hanging out in the worst secret meeting spot EVER! -
    a bathroom in Central Park. Luis arrives to negotiate with them based on a
    tip they sent him. They tell him that Ray and the rest of the Russians are
    after him and Tony. Luis has the power to appease them; all he has to do is
    kill himself or Tony. The two Italians don't mention Luis's other, and more
    likely option, which is to shoot and explode everything that moves.
    Taking this in stride, Luis leaves to find Tony. As he enters the club, the
    Italians are already there holding Tony at gunpoint. They must have used
    fast-travel. Tony pleads that he is good for the money but Luis confirms what
    the Italians are saying: one of them has to die. Rocco throws Luis a huge
    handgun and he looks Tony in the eyes apologetically. Just as Luis is about
    to pull the trigger, he turns it on the old Italian and kills him.
    Rocco, unscathed, says that this carefully orchestrated plan is falling
    apart. The Russians are coming. He runs off.
    And the Russians do come flooding down the tiger-striped stairs. Tony and
    Luis, unwisely, take cover behind a delicate, bamboo lattice.
    There are 3 or 4 waves of Russians. Here is how to deal with it
    - Each wave is made up of two types of guys: guys who blitz and those who
    just stand and shoot. The guys who blitz are the most deadly because they
    come up to the deck and shoot you from behind.
    - When the first part of the wave comes, don't even try to shoot the
    Russians. Instead, take cover behind the pillars with the Maisonette TVs so
    that your back is protected from the shooters who are standing below. Face
    the stairs and when the blitzers come up, you can take them out before they
    take cover and shoot at you. There are usually 2 blitzers in each wave.
    - When the blitzers are done, turn around and blind fire at the guys standing
    and shooting. Be sure you stay in cover behind the pillar with the Maisonette
    9 TV screens.
    - Repeat this for each wave.
    - If you need health, turn around. There is a med kit stapled to the wall in
    the corner. If you have to ask why a VIP room needs a med-kit, you clearly
    haven't been in a good one.
    After the waves are done, follow Tony to the front door.
    - Take cover behind the wall on the non-hinge side of the front door.
    - Shoot the door to open it.
    - Blow up the cars first so you have some nondestructive cover later.
    - Shoot all the guys that you can see from your vantage point.
    - There are guys that you just can't see because the door doesn't swing open
    all the way. Sneak out to get them, but only when the easily shoot-able guys
    have been killed
    After essentially committing mass genocide against all Russians in Liberty
    City, Luis and Tony head outside. Tony says he is leaving, this is too much.
    He then leaves. Luis warns that they will still find him anyway and then he
    HR: 10HRs - 7* - Really exciting and I want to see what happens next
         | Departure Time - Tony (x26)                 |
    D- 8*
    E - 6*
    L - L
    Tony is packing while drinking which always ends well. He is getting out of
    Liberty City. Luis verbally smacks him and then Tony holds it against Luis
    that he tried to kill him. Luis says that it will always be the two of them
    against the world.
    They head to Funland because the word is that the Russians are receiving a
    big heroin shipment. Luis thinks that by shutting off their income stream he
    can stop Ray B.
    - Fight through this really cool ending level that is set in a run down
    carnival. So creepy.
    - When you get to the SUV, take cover against the walls and peak around the
    corner to shoot the huge number of Russians there.
    - After the area is clear, shoot the duckling that is made of compressed H.
    - There are two more ducklings that are hidden next to the round-and-round
    - Hiding behind the ticket booths is a good idea while you are advancing on
    the other Russians.
    - When you destroy the last duckling, head back to clear out the other side
    of fun-land.
    After clearing out the other side of Fun-land, Timur yells at Luis and tells
    him that Ray is heading out of the country.
    - You must kill Timur, but don't worry he never runs far so you don't have to
    make any risky attacks to get him.
    - Follow the radar and head for the red dot. Kill him. He is easy. He doesn't
    even turn into a Mecha-Timur or breath fire. He doesn't even have body armor.
    Follow the map to the bike and head for the airport to get Ray. En route to
    the airport, Yousuf make his return. He does it much like Han Solo but in an
    attack chopper and shoots out any aggressive cars.
    When you get to the airport, Ray is taking off in his Leer Jet. Race down the
    tarmac and get close enough to red marker icon on the let side of the plane
    to start the cut scene. Luis jumps aboard. Hey that was in the trailer.
    In a Modern-Warfare-sort-of-way Luis shoots his way to the cockpit. Ray is
    there and holds a grenade threatening that if he dies the plane blows up.
    Shoot him despite the warning and the plane does, in fact, blow up. Luckily
    Luis's line of work demands that he wear a parachute at all times. Float him
    back to dry land. Find a car and drive Luis to the park.
    As Luis rounds the corner, looking for Tony, he collides with a bum. In the
    scuffle the diamonds fall out, which, humorously, the bum finds.
    Luis finds Tony sitting at a park bench overlooking that giant globe
    sculpture. They talk about their childhood dreams. It really is a great
    moment and strange that two video game characters have a conversation for
    this long that doesn't involve aliens, portals or guns. It is a real hear-to-
    heart and they congratulate themselves on keeping each other alive.
    This article really nailed how good the relationship is between the two of
    them and how it shows that this is a game that is adult in a good way.
    Before it gets too sentimental, Yousuf arrives swearing and slurring his way
    into convincing the two buddies to move with him and start club franchises
    around the world. The scene fades to gray and we say goodbye.
    The credits roll as a crane shot pans over the globe. The music plays and it
    feels like the end to a Rodney Dangerfield film.
    FINAL TIME: 11Hr 23 MIN 7* Good final mission, fantastic, cool ending.
    -----------------  Legal --------------------
    Copyright 2009 Zukowski
    This may be not be reproduced under any circumstances except for
    personal, private use. It may not be placed on any web site or
    otherwise distributed publicly without advance written permission.
    Use of this guide on any other web site or as a part of any public
    display is strictly prohibited, and a violation of copyright.

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